Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 37 - Bag of Holding (w/ Justin Michael)
Episode Date: December 16, 2024Gobblin' the Swallower is a talking bag of holding that really wants to gobble up our magical loot.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungGobblin’ the Swallower: Jus...tin MichaelMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandTickets to SF Sketchfest HERE!New T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.
Now in some hemispheres of your blue-green heart and blob of lava, I know it's the
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Until that moment of yuletide sugar plum bliss, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. your host Arnie me camp if you've never listened to the podcast before this is everything you need to know
Nine and a half years ago
I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food luckily
I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal
Through the dimensional riff and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land of Foon.
And I'm joined as always by my cousin,
Chump the Talking Badger.
Oh yeah cousin.
Hey cuz, how you doing?
Oh pretty good.
Actually, you know what?
I'm doing very good.
Very good?
Yeah.
All right, let me, I'm charting your moods.
Mm-hmm. Let's see, very, I'm charting your moods. Mm-hmm.
Let's see, very, oh, we have to very good.
Huh, it's just a circle with two dots and a smile.
I guess that's me.
I realize that you two have decided to become cousins
and left me to be an uncle,
but I was thinking, wouldn't it be nice
if I were like a family pet?
Huh, that kind of feels like my position.
Okay, okay.
You could go back to being that dog you were at some point last season, Professor Scraps
or whatever the fuck the name was.
It was ages ago, I remember nothing of this.
I want to hear what Chunt had to say about hot ants.
Well it's interesting that you brought up being Uncle Usador because, you know, Chris Must is coming up
not too far away.
It's right around the corner.
And I could not wait to get something to Chris that he must do.
So I thought to give the two of you a Chunt Must, Chris, a Chunt Must present gift, if you will.
Oh.
Is this like a coupon book?
No, Arnie.
And actually from a couple years ago,
you still have not redeemed any of your massages.
Yeah, I know.
But there's so many adjectives attached
to each of those massage coupons.
They're very specific.
They're very specific.
One wet massage, one horny wet massage,
one wet horny massage
Yeah, it's a lot of the same adjectives and just different orders. Mm-hmm. Well this year I planted the three of us
It's your again your Chuck must gift. I planted us a family tree now Arnie
I assume you know nothing about family trees because this is a finished thing
But anytime you find out you have I just want to interrupt and say, Shunt? Oh, sure.
Yeah.
Thank you for taking off the burden
of having me say, what's a family tree?
I just, from now on, can we just have you say,
and Arnie, I assume you don't know what a family tree is.
Yeah.
This is what it is.
Buddy, I gotcha.
Thanks, cuz.
You're welcome, cuz.
Ah, dammit.
It's okay, Unc.
Chill out, Unc.
Ah, I don't like it.
W, wait, that doesn't work. Uncle Ysador, we'll just say the full thing. It's okay. Unc chill out. I don't like it w wait that doesn't work uncle usador
We'll just say the full thing
So a family tree is when you discover you have family you plant a tree
With a strand of each of their hair and then the tree grows in however many different sections in each section will kind of
Kind of sort of resemble our faces. Oh
So cousin Arnie cousin Chantunt, and uncle Ysidor.
Oh, that's very nice.
Yeah, the tree's planted in the basement, and then when it gets too big, when it starts
to try and take root, we can plop it down somewhere.
Why did you plant it in the basement?
Well we're in a tavern that has legs and walks around.
Yeah, that's a good point.
If we planted it outside, we'd lose it immediately. Yeah, and then you guys would be like, He planted it outside. We just do we'd lose it immediately
Yeah, and then you guys would be like you didn't really plant it and I'd be like I did
That brings up a good point that I've been wondering how does our basement work again?
Like I know we're look we're in it currently in a tavern
Yeah, that magically can move around and has legs and walks around sometimes but there is a basement
I guess I'm not outside of the tavern enough when it's moving around.
Like, is it just dragging the basement around like giant balls or?
I guess you're restricted by the rules of space and time again.
Yeah, Arnie, I think the basement kind of works.
Remember how you told us not to make you talk about Earth?
Remember how you told us about truck nuts?
Also, Chuck, thank you for just saying not to make you talk about Earth instead of sort
of like coercing me into talking about Earth and I have to say I don't want to talk about
Earth stuff.
I like how we're slowly moving me out of the podcast entirely.
Aw, sweetie, it's not that.
It can be.
Remember when you told us about truck nuts, Arnie?
I do.
One of the most cherished items on Earth.
I think the basement sort of works like that.
It's a small, I don't want to say pouch
But it's a small unit that drags underneath the tavern as it walks along
That's um, you know sort of bigger than it seems
I guess is the way your brain could best handle it and you said only Brazil nuts were worse
Yes, only Brazil nuts are worse and only peanuts are better Charles Schultz
We've read some of that on the patreon. Oh fuck
Him oh you okay him. Oh you said or
Yes, are you ready? Do you want to do it? You want me to do Arnie?
I don't want to make you have to keep introducing us. I got you bud. Okay, great
And we're also joined by usador
I am usador wizard of the 12th realm of aphesius master of light and shadow
manipulator of magical delights devour of chaos champion of the great halls of Turokis the elves
Could you
Gasminis may star and then
Holiday names Oh sure Gasminis may star and then Holiday
Say I spent part of this week getting a lot of my holiday crawling done. What's holiday crawling?
Oh, sorry. I wasn't supposed to make you do that. I should assume you don't know what holiday crawling is
Yeah, well, you know like every
I should assume you don't know what holiday crawling is. Yeah.
Well, you know, like every winter solstice, you have to go and do some crawling in dungeons
so you can have gifts to give to your friends.
So you got to get all your holiday crawling done.
It starts earlier and earlier every year.
All the dungeons put up all the signs like three headed Hydra, you know, used to was five heads.
Now just three heads.
You know, everything's like, you know, mocked down.
But I got some pretty good stuff here.
I got I got a knife with some jewels encrusted on the on the handle.
There's pretty nice.
So I got a does that make it harder to hold on to that knife, though?
Like, does it make the handle a little slippery?
It makes it prettier to hold on to that knife. OK.
I got a very nice belt here.
This belt, I don't know if it has any magical properties. I need to cast a detect magic to that knife. I got a very nice belt here, this belt. I don't know if
it has any magical properties. I need to cast a detect magic on that one. Oh, and I got
a, it's serious, just a bag and a... Hey, let go of me, come on! Get your grubby little
paws off me! Whoa, Ysidor, that belt was talking to you! Oh no, I threw, I think it was the
bag. Oh, wait. Maybe it was this, I Oh wait. Uh, maybe it was this...
I found a bidet. Is it the bidet?
Are you talking to me, bidet?
No, you're looking at the wrong thing.
It's the bag, okay?
Look, it's me, the talking bag.
The top of the hole is kind of moving
like what you would call a mouth.
Oh yeah, I see it now.
Oh.
I choose not to talk.
Was that?
That was the bidet, I think. All right. Was that? That was the bidet, I think.
Alright.
Was that really the bidet because it looked like you were talking?
Why would I do that?
Well, Arnie, I don't know.
Maybe you feel like you're slowly being edged out of the show and you needed to, you know,
switch to a talking bidet.
Well, you know, I suppose if I, if some of the burden of hosting this show is taken off
of my shoulders
I would free me up to do my bidet work. This seems like a cousin cousin uncle family spat. Sorry to interrupt
Whoa, he nailed it in one. Yeah, guess I really am the uncle
Yeah, but I mean that means you get the boss all the little cousins around. I never even thought of that
Yeah, what's that sexy little thing you're wearing on the top of your head?
Oh, you mean my my hat this week. I'm not wearing the mystical armor of Bekler Kellig
I'm your henny
I'm I'm back to my regular hat because I'm like well if there's gonna be a big war that breaks out
I can I have time to write put on a helmet you know yes, I'm wearing my old hat the big brim you like it
You like that. Yeah, I love it. Yeah kind of reminds me of me. You know what I mean? It's got something a big hole in the middle
You keep stuff in there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah all sorts of stuff crazy shit. You wouldn't believe what's in there
Oh, yeah, I bet I would well come on tell me something. What's in you? Hey, you've got nosy about what's in my hat?
Okay, you're right. You're right. I
Little aggressive right off the bat. My name is Goblin the Swallower. I am not a goblin. I gobble stuff, you know.
Goblin, hold on one second. Chunt is exploding, ready to just explode with so many things he'd
like to say about your name in particular. Oh great, every time someone says they're a swallow
or Chunt's about to explode.
I get it all the time.
Oh, careful Chunt.
Chunt, are you gonna be all right?
I think so, I'm going to calmly walk around the table
as we continue to talk.
Are you turned on or are you just kinda generally excited
in a non-sexual way?
Yes.
Oh yeah, all that, all the above.
Plus some other stuff that we don't need to get into right
now.
Uh, well, Goblin, uh, I, uh, I, I see that you're a mystical bag who can speak to us.
Uh, I suppose you, you don't look particularly large though.
I suppose there's probably maybe some coins in you, maybe a piece of gum.
Oh, I got more than that.
And I got more than coins and gum, my friend. Okay. I'm a magical bag of gum. Oh I got more than that and I got more than coins and gum
my friend okay. I'm a magical bag of holding okay. I can I got a business
proposition for you. Oh yeah I was wandering hopping around in the basement
downstairs which is obviously very clear to me what a basement is. We don't need
to explain it everybody understands. And I saw a lot of loot down there. You had a lot of extra loot and it feels like you need a better space to hold your loot.
And I am like an infinite magical hole.
Okay.
You can put anything you want in me.
Pause right there.
Sorry.
You said infinite magical hole and just let Chunt walk that one off.
Sorry.
Chunt, why are off. Sorry, sorry.
Why is Chunt,
Chunt, why are you holding something over your crotch area?
Oh, I'm just super interested in this book
and I want to read it from low down.
How not to be horny.
Wait, your dick can read?
Okay, it's the idiot's guide to how not to be horny, okay?
It's not working, but that's okay.
It's okay to be who you are, Chunt.
I have the next two volumes inside of me if you want to dig around the wet hole.
Oh, okay.
Arnie, I'm concerned that these two are going to destroy each other.
Me too.
This got a lot nastier a lot faster.
I'm really sorry.
Things aren't usually this nasty with me immediately, but you know, I said it's not your fault.
That's not your fault.
It's not you.
It's not you. it's not you.
That's 100% us.
I take at least one third of the responsibility.
Yes, look, Goblin the Swallower,
you're clearly a classy dude, and none of this is you.
Thank you, thank you.
So I mean, maybe I could one day join your family.
Maybe I could be another cousin, perhaps?
Ooh. Can I ask, how is goblin spelled because you're I don't think a goblin goblin right?
No no I'm a bag goblin I'm goblin G-O-B-B-L-I-N apostrophe.
Oh the extra B is for bag.
Yeah the extra B is for bag yeah it is an acronym.
Girl big bag live inside now!
Apostrophe.
Wow.
Fuck, that was.
That's a good, that's a good an acronym.
That was fast.
I mean, I'm a businessman, you know, or a business bag.
Something I've noticed about the acronyms on this world,
as much as they're a mnemonic device
for people to remember things,
they tend to come very slowly when I ask people to say
what the acronym stands for.
Arnie, that's not true. In fact, Chunt is an acronym for...
Changeling...
Hmm...
Huh.
Um...
Nice...
Touch...
Okay.
Don't you remember that, Arnie? We've talked about it many times.
I don't.
I kind of assumed that and I've never met you guys.
Thank you, Goblin.
I thought you had said that you're just a blunt changeling.
Oh yeah, that too.
But you know, a lot of names in Thune are acronyms.
Even if they don't start as acronyms, they can become acronyms.
You sort of grow into your name, as it were.
Arnie, have you thought about coming up with an acronym for your name?
Or is it one?
Maybe everyone on Earth has acronym names, I don't know.
I can't tell you the secret of acronym. Oh, come on, Arnie, let's do some experiments,
you know, have some fun. What does your name stand for?
Everyone furled their brow when I said that.
Well, don't be a Miss Frisbee or Mrs. Frisbee, just tell us the acronym. And we all know
that, you know, withholding rat lady Mrs. Frisbee.
Oh, yeah, the thing that bothered me about her was
How she was sort of flattened round you could throw around quite the catch though quite the catch the ultimate catch I would say
Well, why don't we take a quick break we can kind of?
brainstorm on what Arnie could stand for and of course get some more info out of Goblin Goblin
We've been so rude. Can I grab you a drink or do you just store that inside you or oh
yeah I'm full of so many liquids you know what I mean but yeah I take
whatever drink you got you can just pour it in just make my insides all goopy and
wet
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Okay, let me pass out some ales here and oh goblin I got you a raspberry mead. Let me just pour that inside.
Yeah, just put your whole hand in there.
Yeah, you push past the entire cart and horse that's inside of me if you
could just get down to what I would consider a stomach which is just a big
bucket I swallowed for a wizard back in the day. Oh what what wizard? What?
Witch wizard? Witch wizard? Witch wizard? No it was a wizard not a witch. Oh sorry.
Oh then what wizard? Oh yeah, his name was what?
Oh, W-U-T.
Uh, W-H-A-T, yeah.
What?
W-U-T was his mentor.
Mmm, and he was the white wizard, right?
Uh, yeah.
Yes, that's correct. It was what, then what, then Telethis.
Who I defeated in wizardly battle.
Okay, it's not a contest.
It actually was. It was a contest.
Yeah, he lost the contest and I think he had to throw all of his stuff away,
and that's how I got the bucket.
Ooh.
Goblin, I'm so sorry.
Give us one second here.
Yeah.
That was a weird noise.
Did you hear that?
It was like a, ah.
I feel like this guy should never run for office again.
I don't know if he was running for office,
but his career should be ruined.
You would think.
Yeah, you sir, are you, uh.
Mm-hmm.
How do you guys feel about asking to go, I know I know this is coming for me and I'm so sorry
and I just consider it.
How do you feel about asking to go inside Goblin?
It sounds like there's a whole horse and cart in there so we could all fit.
Yeah, yeah.
Chunt, just, just take it easy.
It seems like the opening's pretty tight for us all to get in there.
Just relax. But I could resize us, us I suppose to get in and out if necessary
Arnie what do you think? Look people can decide to go into a bag of holding whenever they want
You know as long as it's consensual
But I just don't know is that something you do after the first break
Or is that something you do after the second break when you've gotten to know each other a little bit more sure
Fuck it. Let's ask
Sorry, yeah, I was drinking all your meat oh
Well, I'm glad to see that you can drink without assistance as Chunk was helping you before
Would it be possible for us to just like kind of poke around in there get inside see what's going on?
Wow asking to go inside after the first break alone okay sorry just excuse us
for one moment shit I think that was too soon no one listens to me you're right
Arnie we should ask again oh wow you really really doubt that your drawstring
sort of acts like a hand huh yeah just kind of forms into whatever I want.
I was just practicing drinking though.
Oh, sure.
Kind of ran out of stuff.
Well, maybe another time we could hook around inside.
The moment passed, I think.
You guys backing off?
Are you not, you know, not feeling confident?
How about this?
Which is maybe almost as good.
Goblin, could you pull something out of yourself and show us something that's in you?
Wow.
Wow.
What?
Is that Ernie?
Buddy, okay.
Okay.
Let's just order a pizza and watch a play.
Jesus.
Uh, you know, where I come from, which is generally where at least two of you come from,
I believe, that's actually pretty offensive, what you just asked. It's more tame to just crawl inside of my my body oh I'm sorry but I
can pull out a thing you know if you if you want to pull out a thing you want to
go to home home base already we could skip first second and third talking
about our favorite sport blaze ball mittens maybe oh mittens is that what you
said oh yes famous sport here in food very popular I see you're not a sport Oh Ball. Mittens, maybe? No. No, Mittens? Is that what you said?
Oh yes, famous sport here in Foon, very popular.
I see you're not a sporto.
No, I swallow in a sporto.
What sport were you talking about, Goblin?
I was talking about Blaze Ball.
Blaze Ball, that must be like a bag game.
Yeah, it's pretty much a bag game, you know.
One bag pitches a fireball that's inside of it,
the other bag has to whack it with its bag butt,
and then you run around the blazes, which are different, just eternal flames in a generally strange void that nobody can go to.
So it doesn't have a lot of fans.
Sounds like a painful game.
It's awful. It really hurts. It's why I'm not much of a sport guy.
Have you thought about finding a new place to play that isn't a place that nobody can go to?
That's a really good recommendation.
Yeah, I would look for like a, I don't know, a park.
Ooh, yeah.
Or a field.
Yeah, yeah, a field would be good.
Yeah, a void that no one can go to.
I mean, that's gonna hurt your attendance.
Yeah, we've been trying to wrestle up attendance
and you know, it's just hard when like nobody,
there's no sound, there's no visibility,
there's no color, there's no feelings.
Hey, we've all been in voids.
I didn't mean to talk down to you.
Except Arnie, I assume Arnie doesn't know what a void is.
I mean, I know, I avoid the noid, something like that.
Close enough.
Fix that in editing.
We do edit the pockets, Arnie do we oh shit
Yeah Goblin if you don't mind well actually you can pull something out of you or this is a great opportunity
Why don't we go to the basement and we can show you some of the stuff we have?
Not that it's a contest. Yeah your business opportunity. You said you might be able to store some things for us
That might be very beneficial
Yeah, happy to store things for you and then by the way, I didn't mean to stop you.
You can reach into my body and pull anything out. You get one present at the end of this podcast.
Oh!
I'm so excited.
Now I'm the one that needs the book.
There you go.
Thank you, John.
Well, I have to say, is there some sort of reciprocal thing you expect to gain in terms of this business proposition?
If you're storing some of our stuff, are we feeding you, are we paying you?
What's sort of the other part of that transaction?
Well, I have no use for money, obviously. I'm a bag.
I got enough coin to last me an eternity, but I am looking for ways to get the word
out about Blaze Ball.
So if you could just do some light promotion for me every now and then, just kind of talk
about the Blaze Ball games in the void.
If you could send people to the void where we do the games, I'm happy to store any of
the treasure you want.
And as I said, give you a random object inside of my body.
You're allowed to feel what it is, but not see it before you take it.
This sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
The one drawback might be sending people into a void where they can't see it here
or enjoy the game, even though they're present at it.
Do they have to stay there for eternity?
I mean, if they don't have the power
to release themselves from the void,
then yes, they are stuck forever.
But, you know, I don't want to assume
people don't have that power.
Yeah, there's no way to know unless you go, right?
Exactly, no way to know unless you go.
But even if you go, do you know?
Ooh, yeah.
Ooh, wow.
It's sort of like, can you fly?
Well, you don't know until you jump off a building, Arnie. I think everyone that goes to see the sport dies. That's sort of like, can you fly? Well you don't know until you jump off a building Arnie.
I think everyone that goes to see the sport dies. That's my theory.
It's a cool theory but until you go you won't know if you die.
Shit.
Well here, do you mind if I carry you to the basement or would you like to make it there on your own?
No please, please cradle me.
Oh here you are.
Why aren't you holding that bag like a baby though?
Because I want to support its neck.
This is classic uncle behavior.
I'm just gonna say, you know.
Fair, alright, you got me.
Uncle, use the door.
Here we are, just follow me.
Here we go, just lift up this door.
And here we go, down.
It's a bit musty down here,
but that's classic basement, right?
Classic basement.
Classic basement.
We should do more comedy like that on this podcast.
Now, here's a hoard of magical objects that we got recently
from two, how do I want to say this?
Goofs? Car drivers.
What did you say, Chunt?
Oh, I said two goofs?
Yeah, I was gonna say idiots, so I think that's,
yeah, two imbeciles left at these things.
And please,
what what do you think you would be able to hold for us? I mean,
there's a lot of stuff down there's a lot of stuff here.
Like it's filling the entire basement.
We're still sort of sorting through it and then categorizing it
all.
I see a bad painting. That's the first thing I see.
Oh, yeah. It is a bad painting. That's the first thing I see. Oh, yeah. It is a bad painting.
But even more literally than you may think, it's not just a thing that's been painted
poorly. It is a bad painting. The gentleman on that painting has committed three murders.
He has angry eyes. He has the little kind of downward angry eyebrows. I could tell. He's got murderous eyes.
But as long as he has this painting in his house, he can't go to jail.
The painting becomes more and more incarcerated, but he is free.
Sort of a gray area of justice.
Yeah, it's adorable.
I'm getting the picture of it. Portrait of it? Yeah, you know, I'm getting it something, you know something
Yeah, yeah, you're good
So you think you could store something like that something with some sort of you know
Mystical property that's linked to outside world or would that cause some sort of issue? Oh, no wouldn't cause an issue at all
I mean again, I am endless
So you just got to put your thumb and forefinger inside of my mouth hole sort of stretch me open and kind of slide me
in
John you be alright
Yeah, I was just sort of floating in the air while my face turned bright red and steam shot on my ears
I noticed yeah, sorry. I just need a second to calm down here a splash some gold water on my face
I'm a question for you. I'm sorry
I don't know if it's okay for me
to dive into the order of operations
on how a bag of holding works exactly,
but there's so much stuff in you.
Does it ever get lost?
Is the retrieval difficult?
Yeah, I'm gonna be honest.
I have my own system.
I know where everything kinda is,
but it might take me hours days years
Millennia in order to get what you need. So it's not gonna be a quick refine
You know, I you can throw something in me pretty quickly
But if you need it back fast, it's I gotta have some time to search through the pile
If we need it back quickly, we should probably just pop in there ourselves yeah and just uh you know uh root around. Yeah root around and you might be lost for what some
would call forever an entire lifetime but you know again it's a liability that you're willing
to take you can jump on it. Um this is a question I don't know if this is rude or not. Do um your
kind you know uh bags of holding, do you ever think like,
hey what if we're all just inside a bigger bag of holding?
Whoa. Whoa.
Like this existence, what if this existence is just inside a tiny bag of holding that's inside a bigger bag of holding,
and that's inside a bigger bag of holding, and that's inside, and bags all the way up.
Yeah, that's wild. You're blowing the mind of a and that's inside and bags all the way up. Yeah, that's wild.
You're blowing the mind of a human that was dropped inside.
You're blowing the mind of a creature that was dropped in here by some freaky doctor,
okay?
Oh, you used to be a creature?
Are you speaking to yourself or someone that you're in the bag?
I think I was pretty absolutely unclear.
In my mind, a wacky surgeon was doing experiments,
pulled out the brain of a creature, threw it inside of me,
and I was just using the phrase, you're blowing my mind,
but with what I have a relevant image of.
I see, I see.
It was very helpful.
When you meet new people,
you really try to be clear and communicative
and I feel like, you know, it was immediately clear.
It was wild how you sometimes think a thing
and you think it makes sense
and you're just sort of like, hold on,
I've been thinking about this creature brain in me
for all this time and then you say it out loud
and you're like, wait, no, that doesn't make sense.
Just like these last couple sentences I've been saying.
I mean, you just made a world more more sense the creature brain. I appreciate you.
Oh, and here's probably, um, I guess I'll speak for the group. Here's probably our most
treasured item, which is a
newly potted
family tree.
Chunt. Wow. We couldn't put that in a bag that we couldn't retrieve in a moment's notice.
Are you sure?
Oh, no, I was just pointing it out.
You know, it stays in the basement.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, so you don't get that one.
Sorry.
Oh, no, no, that's fine.
You know, you're gonna just give me the garbage.
No, it's not garbage.
I wouldn't say garbage.
There's like enchanted swords and there's a...
Let's see, what else is here? What else, what else what else what else is there certain things that feel better inside on?
No
Yep, got that one
Hope you don't mind. Oh, that's okay
That's fine, but I'm sorry goblin China has a very good question, and I just like to point that out John to you
Oh question well. Thank you are there certain objects that feel better to eat or or or feel worse?
That's a great question Arnie, I'm assuming it came directly from you and not chunt right and I
Would say usually the less painful the shape of the item the better it is inside of my body
So what you might find traditionally painful like blades, you know, swords, pointy things, maybe if
you're just dropping a bonfire in there. It hurts. It really hurts, but I've
learned to weather the storm. Yeah, blades are painful to us. Arnie, you said on
earth Blade 3 was the most painful? Yes, but Blade 2 underrated. Huh.
And sorry, my friend Arnie had a question.
Oh, um, do the objects do anything to each other?
Like, you draw a bonfire in there, are you gonna burn up all the other objects?
Yeah, if they touch something that's wood, if they, you know, if an object touches wood inside of my hole, then it's...
Ah, here. Ugh! Now not to be horny, Volume 2. If an object touches wood inside of my hole, then it's...
Now not to be horny volume two.
Here's a pretty good one you might want to store.
It's a mirrored shield.
I've been examining this one for its mystical properties,
and I can't seem to find any,
but it did inspire me to write a musical about a man who races at windmills and then has to confront the hubris of his own ridiculous nature.
Alright, yeah, throw it in there, my man of, you know, is that just my man of La Mancha?
There you go.
Sorry, I sometimes make up words at the end of things because I'm sure you know you guys know mancha, right?
Like I like to like to mancha and stuff. I like the goblins. Oh, yeah
Oh, I thought perhaps you were you know a lot of different creatures and beings all over food
Give me a different name, and I thought maybe the bags of holding know me as the man of La Mancha which you know I
Wouldn't be upset about yeah crunch and manch Munch. Crunch and Munch, yeah.
We could call you Uncle Crunch and Munch.
Uncle Crunch and Munch.
I love it.
The cousins know him as Uncle Crunch and Munch.
On that high note, let us take a break.
Oh, sorry, Isidor, Uncle Crunch and Munch.
Yes?
Could you do it in a high note, what you just said?
On that high note, let us take a break!
I'd call him Uncle Doubtfire.
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So Goblin, I feel like we've been down here in the basin with you for a while.
Oh yeah.
Like, how did you get into being a bag of holding? Or were you born, were you made?
That's a great question.
You know, in all my years of hopping around
holding people's stuff, nobody has ever asked old Goblin,
hey, how'd you become a talking bag of holding
that swallows other people's stuff?
I was brought to life by an old wizard,
and she was a sweet old lady who took care of me.
She first brought me to life because she wanted a companion after her husband died.
And so the sweet old lady kept her dead companion's things in me.
She wanted it safe and protected.
But this old lady over the years collected many more things.
Many bodies started to stack up. She became bitter and angry. She missed her husband and it turned
her heart ice cold. She started murdering people and hiding everything inside of me. I've got
secrets that I can't share with anybody. And what started like a heartwarming
story ended up being an implicated existence. I had to escape from her one day. And so I
hopped out the window, tumbled down the trellis and hit my fucking face on a rock. You know
what you would call a face. And I hopped off, but I've been on the run.
And I've been trying to bury her secrets and my shame with other people's things for years.
Oh, you run?
I run?
You said you've been on the run?
Oh, I've been on the run.
I've been on the hop, I guess.
I hop.
Yeah.
That's great.
Now I'm hungry.
Yeah. Here. I don't have to be hungry.
So now you said it started as a heartwarming story,
but to be clear, the very first thing that happened
is she shoved a dead wizard or dead husband into you.
Yeah, heartwarming.
Aw.
It's true love.
Okay.
So there's a base level of dead bodies
at the bottom of all the things.
Yes, there's dead bodies on the bottom layered with kind of junk and trinkets, more dead bodies, some old, you know, raisins.
There's a raisin layer? Eww.
Our stuff won't touch the raisins, right? Eww, eww, eww, eww, eww.
Yeah, don't jumble me up.
Here's a question.
Do you have any preservation magic?
Are those bodies in a state of decomposition,
or are they kind of like frozen in time once they enter your domain?
You know, I'm afraid to say that I don't preserve anything down there.
They kind of do the classic decomposition thing. So there's a lot of I
Guess flesh goo, you know
But what not? Yeah
sick decomposition
Oh, I'm going to store I thought classic basement was your favorite joke I
Sorry, I pulled an to nowhere. I thought Classic Basement was your favorite joke. I... Uh, sorry, I pulled an arnie. I wasn't listening.
But it feels good, doesn't it?
No.
Hmm.
No, I'm quite embarrassed to be caught in that moment.
Please, no, no, I mean, you know, we want to give you another shot at your favorite joke.
Uh, you know, it's a Classic Basement joke.
I actually did swallow a performance stage from a tavern down there if you want to you know put up a night of
comedy or something I don't know I feel like we've I've spent so much time
avoiding all of the shows that are supposedly going on in the various
taverns we've been in but this one would be in a bag of holding you could do all
the experiments and you want it's it's will be all held in a bag of holding. You could do all the experiments you want.
It will be all held in the bag.
Yeah, Arnie, you said you've been dabbling in something you called anti-comedy?
Hmm, mhm.
Now if ever there was an invitation to get into this bag, it was to get on stage and
do some comedy.
Come on, Arnie, let's go!
Yeah, Arnie, do a nice loose five.
Jump inside me!
Okay. Whoa! Oh, God! Yeah, do a nice loose five jump inside me
It's like a tips parfait it's like stuff raisins bodies bones
raisins stuff bodies
And an experimental comedy stage. Oh
Also, your voice is a little different from the inside. Yeah sorry.
I feel like I'm just covered in slime.
Yeah it's the perfect opportunity for you to do comedy right?
I guess so.
Alright Arnie get on the stage I've got a handful of raisins and I'm ready.
Oh wait guys.
And you throw a raisin when a joke is good right?
Right right exactly. Oh
Whatever, you know, I you know if I get hungry
Oh wait guys guys, let's not be rude. It looks like well, it looks like somebody's on stage right now
Let's let's be a polite audience
So anybody here ever?
been inside a bag
That's what I am right now.
Anybody here been inside a bag for 200 years?
Sure, yeah, I think.
It looks like I'm getting the light.
That's a reason.
Let me end with my favorite joke.
This one always kills.
Classic basement. That was good.
I feel like I've heard that joke before,
but maybe it's just parallel thinking.
Looks like somebody else is in the wings here,
about to go on stage.
Arnie, you're on.
Oh shit.
Here, Sean, have some raisins.
Um, so, does anybody here notice that this place is fucking gross as hell?
Why were my two friends throwing raisins at me?
How's it going in there? You're not making jokes about me where you're insulting my innards that I let you inside, right?
No, but I am having an aggressive interaction
with the audience and if we were filming this,
it could go straight on TikTok and it would be great.
Could be the Matt Rife of food or something.
Is that name mean anything?
Wow.
Artie, you're saying riff wrong.
Start to riff.
Crowd work, crowd work.
Oh, so what is everybody here covered in?
More relatable. Be more relatable.
Hey, is anybody here named Uncle?
Oh, I am. Oh, me. Oh, oh.
Anybody here suck?
Yeah, I do. I do.
Oh, oh, oh. And fuck.
Wow, my people
You were right to crawl inside my body we got the anti-comedy going strong up there
It gotta be honest. I'm not trying to do anti-comedy. I'm trying to do sincere comedy up here. Oh
Well then talk about like I don't know your car back on earth or your job or something.
I don't know.
Yeah, or Arnie, there's like 10,000 items here.
Maybe do some, I don't know, prop comedy.
Hmm, okay, well.
We have like a thousand fucking candlesticks.
Yeah, they were used to burn that corpse.
Look at this white stick.
This white stick with a bunch of little floppy things.
Oh, no, that's an arm.
That's an arm. That's an arm
Whoa, he's right in observational arms are just white sticks. I mean if you're white I guess I don't know
Are you going yourself?
Now that's anti-comedy booing your own joke, I like it I
Think I just got myself to a place I didn't want to be
Well, it was an accident. We all watched it happen
You know, it wasn't starting in a place that you expected it to go and I was imagining a bone if I'm being honest
Which is white. Yeah same but uh, when it came out it just I just was like oh this should be
edited out but of course we don't edit the podcast. It's good to know though it's a good strategy
if you're ever in a comedy club and you just mid conversation don't like what you're saying you
should boo yourself. Right and you should invite your uncle I thought it was great.
Yeah well we got the anti-comedy what what about the uncle comedy, come on. Oh yeah.
Crunch and munch.
Crunch and munch.
Crunch and munch.
Wait, does that mean Arnie's gonna tell jokes about me
or I'm telling jokes now?
No, I thought that means it's your turn on stage.
Ah, shit, all right.
Okay.
Okay.
Ah, so I just,
I just flew all the way here and
boy
My arms on fire because I was shooting fire out of them to propel myself forward through the air
Yeah, checks out he's a wizard yeah, I love that one
Well the bag like that. Well, you love blaze ball. So any you all have a cauldron
Well the bag like that. Well you love blazeball so. Any of you all have a cauldron?
Yeah!
Anyone got a cauldron?
Yeah!
Anyone seen a cauldron lately?
Have you seen these new cauldrons they've got?
They're self-brewing cauldrons.
Okay.
Like I don't need a self-brewing cauldron.
That's for... that's crazy town.
Some of these self-brewing cauldrons, they brew up something
like a potion.
But when you drink it, all that happens is you get smaller, but only by an inch.
Okay, Andy, really?
Arnie, he is drenched in sweat.
Should we do something?
No. At first I thought that was slime, but that's sweat mixing with the slime that's all on him.
So any of you ever conj, conjure a bat?
Conjure a what?
A bat, a bat. Anyone ever conjure a bat?
No, you look unwell.
Everyone is shaking their head no so aggressively.
Sometimes you, sometimes you conjure a bat, it's just,
it ends up being a rat and you're like, ah, I messed up again.
Oh no, I know what it's like when something dies inside of me.
He's dying up there. You guys gotta help.
I got it, I got it. Arnie, Arnie, here.
Would you grab that candle on the ground there and hold it up?
And uh, can you lift in common?
Oh.
This is a hand. It's a hand and it's on fire.
Anyone know the King of the Northeast?
Uh, I think he might sound a little something like this. He's
giving you the light before you go into it. It was probably a problematic joke. Are you going
to join my evil new plans? That's my best king of the northeast. Is there anyone here who
knows Jamie and Sammy? They might sound a little something like this. Hi, I'm Jamie and hi, I'm Samy and we like to kiss
Yeah, this is honestly I feel like you needed to reach a low to get to a new high, you know
Like just kind of work it out. Has anyone ever
Has anyone here ever started a podcast with a human from another world?
Whoo! That's my cousin! I hear you. I hear you. They might sound a little something like this.
Hello from the magic tavern. Got your ass. Podcast from the...podcast from the podcast from the magical world of phone yeah that's right
yeah that's got an old timey to me yeah you know and I've seen a lot of old
times yeah it sounds like you work on cars and have a huge chin Arnie where
blue jeans tops and bottoms yeah I have an immediate similar image and I don't
know where it came from,
but it was conjured there.
Yeah, I'm from the world of Earth
and yeah, have you guys seen what's in the newspaper lately?
No, we don't read the newspaper.
No, I don't know what that is.
I've never felt worse about myself.
Oh, Goblin, Goblin, why don't you hop on stage
and tell some jokes?
What, me?
Hop on my own stage?
Yeah, yeah.
Hold on, let me form myself out of some of the raisins and flesh goop
Can I get a suggestion of a location
Yeah people love improv, right? Kitchen. Okay. Kitchen. Thank you. Dildo kitchen. Oh, okay. I already heard kitchen. And I'm thrilled to use dildo. Check
this one out. This may look like a normal mixing bowl, but instead of a spoon, I'm using
a dildo.
Guys, that was my suggestion. That was my suggestion, guys. Yeah, that was my suggestion.
All right. Thank you. That's our show.
Arnie, get up there. They love it when you just get up there.
I was already up there. You forgot I was already up there
Join the improv set. Yeah
All right, yeah, can I get a suggestion of what might be in I don't know a big dog garage special a dildo
Special I heard special a dildo.
Special a dildo?
I don't know it's like a special edition dildo?
Yeah, special a.
That's short for, you know, special edition.
Spatula.
Was it spatula dildo?
Look, I've spent
some amount of time in the improv
world in Chicago. I have never
seen the people on stage
so confounded by a thing yelled from the audience before.
Wait, what is improv world?
Tell me about improv world.
Oh, gosh, you don't wanna know.
You don't wanna know.
I don't wanna talk about improv stuff.
I bet it's worthwhile, right?
I bet it makes you a lot of money, right?
No, no, no.
You should resist the scene.
Yeah, I think we're watching it right now.
It's very, what they only refer to as meta.
They didn't really use my suggestion.
Oh, I guess they talked about it.
Yeah, they talked about it.
Oh, hey, hey, extra, extra, read all about it.
Special Adildo right here.
Oh, see, you just have to wait till that third beat.
It all comes back around.
Yeah, you know, life a dildo as they say
Look guys, I gotta get out of this. Can we get out of this bag?
Wait, you're not having fun doing a two-person impromptu
Improv show after a couple of weird sets a stand-up inside of a bag full of raisins and dead stuff
Shouldn't we drink some whiskey and slap each other now?
It sounds... I mean, probably?
Alright, you want me to spit you out?
Yeah.
Not enough?
Oh sure, thanks.
Woah!
Oh, covered in raisins.
Yes, here, let me eat those.
This basement's gonna smell terrible for years.
Yeah, I'm sorry, it will. I didn't mean to get it all over your loot, too.
I think if you're interested in sticking around for a while and hanging out here in the basement,
sort of holding all of our loot, then we'd love to hire you.
Like I said, there's a bunch of candlesticks, mirror shield, bunch of stuff we haven't categorized yet.
We need to go through and kind of candlesticks, mirror shield, a bunch of stuff we haven't categorized yet.
We need to go through and kind of, you know,
but through the week I can come down
and I've been tagging stuff
and figuring out if it's magical or not.
And, you know, just sort of that sort of thing.
Are you interested in that deal still?
It's still appeal to you?
Yeah, the deal appeals, you know what I mean?
As long as you're willing to, you know,
advertise Blazeball in a void,
I believe that was our... that was kind of our deal. So, you know, just kind of slip it in there
organically whenever you get a chance. I'm happy to mention Blazeball in a void whenever I get an
opportunity. And I will send some people to the void, some guests potentially, other tavernistas, and see if they get back
or not.
That sounds great.
This sounds like a real good deal.
Just to be clear though, is it okay if some of these ads for Blazeball are on the Patreon,
or behind the paywall and not on the main feed?
Well, I mean, I was hoping to really get a cast a wide net
you know. I mean there's a healthy amount of people listening on the Patreon. Alright yeah why
don't we why don't we try it out see how it goes with just the Patreon. Yeah maybe
if you're willing to do a tier where you you know you can offer a one full
blazeball advertisement one hour advertisement of blazeball once a week.
Done. Wait, what? We're not done. It's a it's a deal the deal appeal you know. Ar advertisement one hour advertisement of blazeball once a week done
It's a deal the deal appeal, you know, Arnie one hour a week, that's nothing. Oh and actually
Goblin we can go ahead and get you your first spectator for the next game
Isn't that right talking belt?
Yeah, I didn't I'm I am my saying thing earlier cuz the bidet was talking and I was right. Oh shit We don't need a job. We don't need like a third talking item on this show
Everyone forgets the bidet now again. I see that the belt is talking but Arnie was that you just
Some ventriloquism. Okay, just why did you do that in your set? shit. That was crushed. That would have been good
Yeah, if it wasn't so gross in there, I'd fucking go back
What I think the smell inspires Arnie and Barney get a little puppet, you know, I think that'd be fun
Are you considering it? I'm thinking about I really would like you to I think you guys all kind of killed down inside of me
Oh stop you did no flop sweat all over the place.
I was dying down there.
Oh, Arnie, next time we do that, which I assume
will be sometime soon, maybe I draw like two little lines
down the front of my mouth so it looks like I'm a puppet.
And then I sit on your lap, and you sort of act like you
drink a glass of mead while I like scream or something.
OK, it sounds a little too erotic.
Yeah, it's supposed to be, it's meant to be.
Okay.
Could you take turns screaming and drinking the water?
Yeah, and then I'll drink some mead
and then Arnie screams and so forth and so on.
Can I see that book?
Oh, well actually, I still need it.
Let me just rip it in half here and then you can.
Thank you.
Let me hold this exactly 4.6 inches away.
Okay, the perfect reading length.
Huh.
So that's the perfect reading length, eh?
I guess I got something out of all of this too, in addition to the loot, of course.
Oh, what's that?
I learned the perfect reading length.
4.6 inches away.
That's right.
That's right.
Don't let anyone tell you different.
Do you guys want your your present?
I feel like an adventure. I mean each of you should get a present. I forgot forgot about Chekov's present this whole yeah
Oh, yeah, it's a smoking present. All right, who wants to reach inside of me first?
I'll go first
My man, let's see figure out in there and see if I got to
Tangerine
Yeah
Pretty rotten, but you got a tangerine. Oh
I can I can fix it up. Don't worry. Oh
Let me let me go next here. All right, let's see
Okay. Oh
man
It's a arm covered in raisins.
Can I draw again?
You can draw again.
A lot of them are going to be arms covered in raisins, honestly.
Okay, let me...
It's mostly arms covered in raisins.
Feel around for a book!
Oh, I got something.
It's a little book.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Look at this, guys.
It's a coupon book.
Good for one free horny massage.
Love, Chunt.
Huh.
This looks familiar.
Yeah, I grabbed it from downstairs, but now you got it. It's a coupon book. Good for one free horny massage, love Chunt.
Huh, this looks familiar.
Yeah, I grabbed it from downstairs,
but now you got it so you can give out horny massages.
I mean, I just want you to be confidently horny.
I feel like we've been saying how not to be horny,
and it feels like we're being horny negative,
not horny positive on the pot.
That's a good point.
Yeah, the power of horny.
Now, speaking of positively horny,
Oni, reach into the bag. Okay. Reach in, come on. Plunge your hand inside of me. point yeah the power of horny now speaking of positively horny arnie
reach into the bag okay Jim come on put your hand inside of me I think this
feels like special a dildo oh yeah yeah you sort of house my suggestion they're
using a finally used it x-ray it's having trouble pulling it out though it just
keeps not just just pull pull come on our Arnie look here let me get
behind you and pull you sir grab on to me
yep feels like a gross prank no it's some guy this is a guy who goes by the
name Kevin Eubanks and husband yes like the wizard's husband the wizard who turned felt like, yeah, the wizard's husband.
The wizard who turned into a murderer,
the reason that I'm alive, their husband,
who when it was a very happy, normal story
and their husband died,
their husband's name was Kevin Eubanks.
And I don't know, something about your vibe
made me think you could use Kevin Eubanks' body.
Wow.
Arnie, you should be considered quite blessed
for being so intricately tied to Goblin's origin story.
I think this is a great honor, and you should treat it accordingly.
One last question.
We're almost out of time.
Don't say one last question and then play like a fun bass riff.
What was that, like a BWOOM?
And then you gave an easy laugh.
What was that? Sorry, go ahead.
This wizard woman. What was that like a BWOAH and then you gave an easy laugh. What was that? Sorry go ahead
This wizard woman. She could be a wizard. You don't need to just gender her afterwards She's just a wizard. This wizard buried her dead husband inside of you
I presume notably so no one else would find him or know about it. Yeah, is there any bad consequences to us?
Unearthing this body here in our tavern?
Do you want me to lie about it or do you want me to tell you the truth?
Hmm. I'd vote lie.
Yeah, lie. I'd say truth.
All right. Well, nothing bad's gonna happen. The wizard hasn't been hunting for me and
would not be furious if the dead body was exhumed out of me.
And uh, hey, Chunt over here.
You guys are fucked.
Oh, but which one's the truth and which one's the lie?
Sorry, one moment, just taking some notes on my ongoing Elasticity of Time research.
Look into why that stand-up in the void segment seemed to last 500,000 million years.
P.S. if irritated boredom can be harnessed as an energy source, I may have just saved
Earth's climate.
There, all done.
Use it or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.
Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffae.
Goblin the Swallower was played by special guest Justin Michael.
Justin is a writer on Infinity Train and the Among Us animated series.
Check out his improv podcast Nature Talks to Itself and his TV podcast Batman the Animated
Podcast.
Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon, and I'm going to take a break from mentioning our Patreon
supporters by name because, and please don't sexualize this, my pretty little mouth is exhausted.
Patrons, nameless as they are, get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus
episodes each month, including another new episode of Shadow City later this week.
To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern.
Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai.
Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.
Associate producer, Anna Hoverman.
This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.
Oh, I almost forgot. We're taking two weeks off for the holidays.
Now we all have something to celebrate. But actually, next week instead of a regular episode,
we'll post our annual Winter Solstice bonus scene. And the week after that,
we'll unlock a Patreon episode
and throw it onto the main feed,
like an unclaimed cake being tossed into an alley.
I will accept no further questions at this time.
Farewell until next week. Hey, it's Dan Teperski, and my team and I are excited to share that our series Hysterical
has been named Apple Podcast's Show of the Year for 2024.
From Wondery and Pineapple Street Studios, Hysterical dies into one of the most shocking
outbreaks in American history, a medical mystery that had ripple effects well beyond the tight-knit
community where it began.
In 2011, the girls at One high school in upstate New York
began exhibiting a bizarre mix of neurological symptoms,
tics and twitches and strange outbursts.
Question is, why?
Was it mold in the school buildings?
Was it a contaminated water source?
Or what if the cause of the contagion
wasn't coming from their physical environment at all?
As their symptoms got worse,
their search for answers brought a media firestorm
down upon their small town,
and soon enough the entire nation was trying to solve the medical mystery.
From Dr. Drew to Aaron Brockovich.
Believed by some to be the most severe case of mass hysteria since the Salem witch trials,
Hysterical is a podcast about the desire to be believed,
and what happens when the world tells you it's all in your head.
Follow Hysterical on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcasts.
You can binge all episodes of Hysterical ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus.