Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 40 - Momo the Pest (w/ Erin Keif)

Episode Date: January 20, 2025

Momo the Mouse with Human Strength is back and she's horrified to discover how many mouse traps there are in the tavern.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMomo the Mouse: Erin KeifMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Each morning, it's a new opportunity, a chance to start fresh. Up First from NPR makes each morning an opportunity to learn and to understand. Choose to join the world every morning with Up First, a podcast that hands you everything going on across the globe and down the street, all in 15 minutes or less. Start your day informed and anew with Up First by subscribing wherever you get your podcasts. They say Hollywood is where dreams are made, a seductive city where many flock to get rich, be adored, and capture America's heart. But when the spotlight turns off,

fame, fortune, and lives can disappear in an instant. Follow Hollywood and Crime, the Cotton Club Murder, on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. -♪ -♪ Ahem, sorry, just continuing my research from last week. Ah, an update to the schematic for the device that eradicates the concept of custom t-shirts. Let's see, while we originally specified quadruple A batteries, available at any corner store, this device actually requires quintuple A batteries, which only exist on a subatomic level,

and so whoever is reading this was right all along. Well, that is good to know, and I know at least one person out there in our ocean of listeners who will be very happy to hear that. As for everyone else, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Darnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine years and 10 months and some days ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the Wander lost in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my cousin, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Cousin, but you know, well technically we're... Oh, shit, oh fuck, I forgot, Chunt... Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. I forgot. Chunt disappeared, Usador. Oh, yes. Chunt already broke the rule that you can't say well technically. Oh, fuck, I said it.

Well, it appears it's the show everyone's been waiting for. No Chunt, no Arnie, all Ysador, and I have come here to teach you all how to cast spells. The first thing you do is gather all your components. Unless you don't want to, then you just say these words and focus all the magical energies that dwell within your soul. Speak, listen to my words now, and repeat after me. Oh, this is awesome. What? Oh, nevermind.

Oh, no, I've been back for a minute, but I'm just engaged. Please keep going. Oh no, you're here. I can't do it while you're here. I can't do it. Damn it. I can't do it while you're watching me.

Well, technically. Whoa! What? Oh, sorry, I got unbanished. Don't forget if you say that, that phrase, Ysidor, according to the new rules of Foon, you are banished to a pocket dimension for a few seconds. Of course, I would ne'er say those words,

but it does indicate you wish to correct someone, which I would ne'er do. Oh. It's kind of fun in there, right, Orang? It's kind of fun. Wait, what? It's kind of restful. It's fun and restful at the same time. It's fun of fun in there right all right, it's kind of fun. Yeah, it's kind of a wrestle. It's fun and restful It's fun and restful. Yeah, it's like a sensory Deprivation a universe or something right mm-hmm feels like you're on your back and water. It's beautiful Yeah, and by the end you just start seeing weird colors well technically

Well there goes you sir. wait, I didn't go. Oh. I guess it knows when you want it. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Speaking of which, not to spend too much time talking about this new rule, and I don't want to say the whole phrase, I'll just say the second half of it. Technically, what does that word even mean in Foon?

Technically? Technology? Like, why do you have that word? Well, Infin? Technically? Technology? Like, why do you have that word? Well, we have technology, Arnie. If you wrap a stone to a piece of wood, you have an axe. What are you on about? We have amazing technology. Things like levers. Yeah.

Pulleys. Yeah. Seasaws. Saws. Speaking of which, have you guys seen the new pulleys? Arnie, if you say speaking of which one more time, the witch will appear. I think all that's right. I just, there's so few things I can, you know what, you can't say anything anymore

without getting into trouble. That's my, that's what I feel like. Uh oh, wrong podcast. Maybe I'm just getting too old, but I just feel like I should be able to say whatever I want. Well, technically. Sorry, what were you gonna say? I was just saying the new pulleys. Have you seen the new pulleys that are out?

They're really cool. Oh yeah. And I'm not in a hurry to get rid of my old pulley, but the new pulley has some great features. Beautiful, just really sleek aerodynamic, all the trimmings,ins like a little overlay. Oh, that was terrifying in there. You didn't see the fire demon What oh, maybe I just had my eyes closed. Maybe it's not sensory deprivation. I just closed my eyes. Yeah. Oh For a second I was afraid it was different for everyone that I'd seen a fire demon coming to get me Oh Ernie. I wanted to say something.

Mm-hmm? Which is, I just wanna, you know, you said when I were talking, we just wanna congratulate you, because I know in about a month and some days here, you can no longer be fired from the podcast for any reason, I believe. What?

I didn't know that was a possibility. Well, you said on Earth, when you celebrate your tenure, you can't be fired. You have sort of job security. So I just want to say, unless something crazy happens in the next month or maybe this episode, you will not be fired from the podcast. Until then, mind your P's and Q's.

Okay, yeah. If I get fired from the podcast, will I still be able to retain my benefits? What benefits do you get right now? I don't know. We're just the benefits of your our friendship. Yeah, we'd give you a cobra You give you a special cobra to protect you from anyone who might want to harm you Yeah, I I have I have I'm ready to go then they're in those baskets over there if you want one now You're under 27 right?? No. Oh then never mind Arnie who is our guest today? I'm scanning the tavern. I don't see anyone in my sight line

Look up in the sky. See if it's something up there Oh, it's Momo hanging from Queen Mercia's feet Hi fellas Strength, how you doing buddy the very same you're still here, huh at this table. Yeah, I always know where to find you guys What's up? Not not much. Are you did I hurt everyone's feelings the tone of this? Not much, are you? Did I hurt everyone's feelings? A little bit. Well I'm still recovering from the fact that when you fall you go

m-m-m-m-m-m-mo, which is the cutest thing I've ever heard or seen. It makes me fall like a feathered chunt. Well I was curious because I couldn't recall if you'd been to the Wanderlust before, which is this new tavern that we're in now that travels all around food Unluckily, we have crossed paths with you again Momo. Well, I mean with you guys we've Cycled through so many taverns at this point, but you always pick the same table in the different taverns Yeah, we're always in the same spot in the tavern. You're right. I've never really noticed that before you have a comfort spot Oh certainly You're in the same spot in the tavern. You're right, I've never really noticed that before. You have a comfort spot. Oh, certainly.

That's the best thing about going to a tavern is finding that place where you can just relax and be yourself and settle in and make it feel like a second home. Yeah, and I never have my back to the door in case someone comes in to try to kill me. Well, that's just wisdom. That's not paranoia, it's wisdom for you.

Thank you. And Chon, I would like to congratulate you on not talking about your comfort. After she said it's our comfort spot, so you know about my comfort. Well, technically, oh! Oh no! Great.

Momo picked the perfect time to go to a pocket dimension, to not have to hear about your comfort. Oh boy, well, since she's gone, should we dig into the details? Oh, she's back. MoMoMoMoMoMoMoMoMoMo. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Was it horny in there or what?

What? Yeah, I think it's different for everyone. That's the vibe I'm getting now. Oh, it is what you bring to it. Well, I just admitted something out loud in front of treasured friends. Well, well, well. Don't want to hear about my comfort, huh? Who's buying Momo a drink or some cheese?

I'll buy you both. What sort of cheese do you like best, Momo? Thank you. Hmm, soft cheese. So if I get tired while I'm eating it, I can fall asleep on it. Oh, that's adorable. Maybe just get her a fondue-tini. I think it's a new menu item.

Oh. Fondue-tini. That's cheese and a drink, all in one. I'll be right back. It's vodka and melted cheese. Yes, Chunt. Mama, last time we saw you, so much has happened. My brain is foggy. Were you this size? No, I was gigantic Well, not gigantic but for me Gigantic. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you're back to your pocket-sized. Oh, actually. I just feel more comfortable taking up a little less space

You know, I was feeling really self-conscious. I wasn't standing up straight when I was fully human size I was just like I'm getting in the way. And then also, it turns out I like being exceptional when I'm a mouse. I got human strength, which is very, very strong. And when I'm human size. Yeah. Who am I then? You know, I'm just a huge mouse. No, just look at that huge mouse over there. It's true. The bigger a mouse gets...

Oh, I don't even want to finish that sentence. Nevermind. The more likely they are to get killed in a space. Because people think I'm a pest. Did you guys know that they think mice are pests? Yeah, absolutely. I didn't know that. I mean, we kill a lot of mice around here.

What? I didn't know that until like three days ago. Mice are pests Yeah, yeah, no. No, I hate to say you are one of our dearest friends But every time you come by the tavern afterwards, we have to spend so much time cleaning up your droppings around the tavern It's just embarrassed our friends a clock. I didn't realize it was embarrassed our friends a clock You got shit in your teeth Arnie embarrassed our friends the clock. You got shit in your teeth, Arnie. Well, that's your shit.

Yeah, and I hate to say it, but every time you've been here, if you could just have seen over your shoulder, one of us is almost always about to smash you with a shoe and then we realize you're talking. And it's a Momo mouse? It is so embarrassing, so embarrassing. Whatever. Here's your drink.

It seems a little contentious over here at the moment. Is everyone doing all right? Yeah, you sure, did you know that people consider mice and rats pests? Oh, certainly. They carry diseases often. And have you ever heard of a mouse trap? Oh my God, what's that?

Well, it's a little device that you pull a lever. See Arnie, levers. You pull a lever over and it's spring loaded, springs. That's more technology. And then you put a little piece of cheese on it. Oh, I like cheese. Yeah, of course. You'd walk right up to it and you'd get the piece of cheese,

but there's a button there that you press and it releases the spring and the bar comes down and smashes the mouse. What? Yeah, you shouldn't, if you see cheese on a very conspicuous device, you should not eat that cheese no matter how hungry you are. Momo's just staring at her fondue teeny.

Oh no, that's fine, I got that for you. Eyes narrowed, yeah. Those new glasses are pretty elaborate. Yeah, it's got all sorts of springs and gizmos on it, but you can still drink that. I promise, it's good. Momo, this I swear to you, I will never kill you on purpose.

Huh. Well, it does smell like cheese and vodka, but it has gizmos and gadgets aplenty on it. Momo, please promise me you will not go into our kitchen. Not only because it's a health code violation, but also because we've put a bunch of sticky traps down on the floor and you'll get stuck to them and it's really the most horrible way to die. To stick who?

To stick who, Arnie? M-mice that aren't you! Chunt. Yeah? Look at me in the eye. You're avoiding eye contact. Chunt, look at me. There's just so, I mean, I just never realized how beautiful the walls are around you.

Chunt. Yeah? Look at me. You look at me. Pest friends. I know you're a shapeshifter. We are pest friends. You're saying pest friends.

No, best friends. Best, uh, fuck, fuck shit. Chunt, I know that you're a shapeshifter, but my god, you're an animal most of the time. You sleep with animals. You sleep with badgers mostly Canonically all up in my biz. Yes. Yeah We stand for this now we stand for killing mice. I mean it's just Honestly Momo

It's like a health and safety violation like so there's like a mage who comes here once a month and he sort of magics So there's like a mage who comes here once a month and he sort of magics everything around to see if there's any sort of creatures or poop or mice or shit or pests or rat or cum or shit. And we can only have 10 instances of any of those on that list. It's true, we've had a really big rat cum problem around here.

Okay. And then you're on the show a couple times a year or maybe a little bit more. That's about half of it right there. Rackham problem in me one go home. Okay, okay. Momo's having a hard time keeping a thought in her head. Okay, first of all, Rackham is delicious. It's a delicacy. You can quote me on that. New shirt, new shirt, new shirt, new shirt. Fine. We will make a Momo shirt that says rat cum is delicious.

You know what? Sure. Why the hell not? Okay? Let's do it. And also, you're welcome for carrying diseases for you. We're taking the heavy burden of disease off of you and we're carrying it for a little while. I never thought of it that way. I didn't know it was like a

Deliberate choice to but like be yeah, we thought we were like we're gonna stop carrying diseases Wait, wait, wait, I'm gonna stop coming all over this place mom that I would like but mumbo Are you currently carrying any diseases? Well for people I care care about, obviously. It's mostly STDs. Hmm. What do you mean? What do you mean, hmm? So, we can infer that it's mostly for Chunt. Huh? Let's take a break.

You know what? I think I'm gonna gather all the rats and mice in this place, the pests. Wait, hold on, let me get this little piece of cardboard. I'm gonna write union on it. I'm gonna lift it over my head and spin slowly. Norma Ray, I think. Is that what it's called? And we're gonna band together. Oh no, ah, ah, capitalistic tendencies

have blown up in our face, Arnie. We must take a quick break. I can't believe she spun around in a normal radius, a normal ray. Hello it's Dan Harris from the 10% Happier podcast. Is the whole new year, new you thing getting a little overwhelming? Wondery's New Year New Mindset collection has the essentials to help you have your best year yet and to do it simply and sanely. From 10% happier and daily stoic for personal growth to unruffled for parenting wisdom, we've got you covered. Boost your creativity with the best idea yet, get inspired by Baby This Is Kiki Palmer, or dive deep with armchair expert.

Listen to New Year New Mindset right now on the Wondery app. Hello ladies and germs, boys and girls. The Grinch is back again to ruin your Christmas season with his The Grinch holiday podcast. After last year, he's learned a thing or two about hosting and he's ready to rant against Christmas cheer and roast his celebrity guests like chestnuts on an open fire. You can listen with the whole family as guest stars like John Hamm, Britney Broski, and Danny DeVito try to persuade the mean old Grinch that there's a lot to love about the insufferable holiday season. But that's not all. Somebody stole all the children of Whoville's letters to Santa and everybody thinks the Grinch is responsible. It's a real Whoville whodunit. Can Cindy Lou and Max help clear the Grinch's name?

Grab your hot cocoa and cozy slippers to find out. Follow Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Unlock weekly Christmas mystery bonus content and listen to every episode ad free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Spotify or Apple podcasts. Spotify or Apple podcasts.

Mama, would it make you feel better if we had a policy where it's not just mice? If anyone comes in here and shits all over the place and doesn't generally buy any food, we kill them as well. Yeah, I think that's fine. But if you're targeting mice and rats, it feels a little personal. Also, I have a good authority that we are making the food here way better. We sit on people's heads and we pull their hair. That's true. I agree with that. It does help when I don't know what to do next. If someone pulls on my hair, it tends to help me make the correct choice or operate a little bit better, yes. You know what?

I want a promotion on this podcast. Okay. I think the optics are bad. I've been here, we discovered, how long has it been? Years, seven years? At least seven years, I think, yeah. At least seven years? Well, Ani, I'm so sorry.

We're gonna have to let you go. Oh shit. You almost made it. I'm fired. You almost made it. Is that why you've been holding this cobra? Yes, exactly. Keep it away from Momo, by the way.

That cobra could gobble her down immediately. Sure, yeah. Well, Momo, we'd like to promote you to host and we'd like to demote Ani to guest. So take it away. Fantastic. Hello, and welcome to the magical land of food. I fell through a dimensional portal 10 years ago,

behind a Burger King on Irving Park that's no longer there. And then I fell into this land where I met Chunt a talking badger. Chunt say hey and something a little sassy. Well technically a shape-shifting. Okay well there he goes. I bet he's gonna be real horny in there and then also Ysador the talking wizard. I am Ysador the blue and it is a pleasure to see you Momo Yes, do you like my big pink polo? It used to belong to someone else and now it is mine. Yes You're practically swimming in it. You're literally swimming in it. Yes

I can't believe you made me give her my shirt. The guest does not Can I delightfully laugh off mic if something is really great? Yes. Yeah, sure. Yeah. But only if it's really great. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,. Wordplay, jokes, me talking about Earth stuff. It's a whole thing. It's a three, all three of us, we're real balanced about it. And today- Oh yes, I'm sorry, Momo,

but I did want to ask you about one Earth thing. Could you tell us, please, all about Kia Sorentas? Kia Sorentas. It Kia Sorenta's. It sounds like a magical spell to me. It's a key company where you can rent keys and Sorenta's and a bunch of sirs rent you keys. Momo, you know what that's called? Deductive reasoning.

Momo did it. Ha ha! What was that? I don't care for that. I thank you for the very direct and clear answer about my question about earth stuff John anything for you Oh Momo, we have a quick ad read. Could you just do that real quick? Of course You know you should do eat mouth shit and rat cubs cuz that shit is good Okay, give it a shot before you knock it Don't knock it till you try it and that's what we're saying here at hello for the magic tavern

It's a hello from the magic tavern guarantee We stand by it and we'll never back down use code right come and check out Who's our guest for today Little unprofessional to show up shirtless. It looks like we have Arnie. Arnie, where's your shirt? I'm covering my man boobs with my hands. You can't see my nipples or anything.

I don't like any of those words. Me neither. It's a pleasure to have me, it's a pleasure to have me on, oh, I'm so confused about my role. It's a pleasure to be on the show. I've been a big fan since the very beginning. I'm the Arnie now Okay, so wait am I am I guest Arnie or am I? Someone else is a guest am I Momo?

You're well, okay great great question If Momo was Arnie then who is Arnie Arnie pitch us an idea for who you'd be as a guest If Momo was Arnie, then who is Arnie? Arnie, pitch us an idea for who you'd be as a guest. Yeah, like shirtless Steve or something. Like something like whimsical, like a talking, a talking broccoli, you know? But not something we've had on before. Yeah, no nipples Ned or something like that. Hmm, okay. I mean, I, now all I can think about is a talking broccoli. All right.

I already burned to say that one, but okay. Our guest today is a talking broccoli. All right, we'll do it. Sort of, I already burned to say that one, but okay. Our guest today is a talking broccoli. Broccoli, say what's up. Hey, this guy. I'm a broccoli. I see everything from a broccoli's perspective. Okay, this guy's a pervert. Are you two feeling it? This guy's stalking me.

Yeah, he's stalking me. Are you just saying that because I'm a broccoli? Yes. Well, yeah, exactly. Are you just saying that because I'm a broccoli? Yes. Well, yeah, exactly. Are you... Oh shit, I know what it means when the guest says something and then everyone is really silent for a long time. Wait, what does it mean? I'm fucking bombing.

Wait, what does it mean? Oh no. Yeah, it's inside mittens. Guys, I'm never coming back. I'm just, I'm a one episode guest, aren't I? No, no, no, it's fine. It's fine. Let's go to some emails. Let's go to some emails. Look, look, Broccoli friend. Do you have a name?

Yeah, Broccoli bleh bleh bleh I am trying to help you out here man. Sure So like have you been? What have you been doing?

Growing or what? What are you been doing? Growing or what? What do you do? Yeah? Yeah, well, I'm a great source of nutrients and I'm a great source of roughage if you eat me I'll make your poop more good Hmm Bring it back around to poop Yeah Stunned should bring it back around to poop Yeah

We should probably three hosts to come over here. Yeah, we all sort of talked. I'm sorry. Just one minute guest Oh fuck. I'm outside of that circle. I'm over here. Hey should we is there a way to like make this just go on patreon? Yeah, put it behind a paywall. Maybe not really said yeah, or maybe yeah, let's just sit on it or something sit on it Maybe we can just release it after the credits of a regular episode There's a good episode. There's like 45 minutes long and then you just care like 10 minutes of this perfect. Yeah Yeah, I just want to like I just have the impulse to like push him around my plate not eat him Let's push him around the episode, but not really interview him. Okay great. Okay, like put a nap over him or something. Hey, you guys are my best friends, and this is working out so well.

You're my best friend. Best friend. Best friend. Huh? You're my pest friend. Momo, we adore you. And always have. Chunt, I love you. I love you. You're my best friend. And break. Okay. Fuck, it's so annoying when you're the guests in there expressing how much they love each other So probably you're saying you're married to a carrot. That's fascinating use it or what is your perfect date? My perfect date is when the moon is full and the stars have aligned in the seventh house of and the stars have aligned in the seventh house of gil fatale and Then I turn myself into a giant eagle and I rise into the sky Where my date is waiting where she has transformed herself already?

Into a giant flying serpent and then we battle until only one lives Damn, how do you have so romantic so romantic? How do you get a second date if only one of. Damn, how do you have- That's so romantic. So romantic, how do you get a second date if only one of you lives? Oh. Oh, we're having a breakthrough. Shit. That's why you've never been on a second date. This is what happens when Momo hosts,

we have breakthroughs. It's just so sexy, it's hard not to do it because you're like, would you like to go battle in the skies an eagle and a flying serpent yeah mummo hears that I do that all the time well technically oh I'm almost gone fuck we need three hosts though we need three hosts uh bro oh honey honey look would you be willing to be a supplicant and take back your old job at 50% of the pay. Sure. Have I been being paid? Uh, Chun?

Woo! Momo is back in that. It got hornier in there, gang. Okay. Where were we? Anyway, what are you doing in my seat, Arnie? I'm so sorry. Momo, are you open to some notes on how you did? Get up.

You can't pick me up. Man. I mean, you're strong, but you're not strong enough to pick me up. Get up, man! how you did anyways host of the pot you guys are looking at the wallpaper again what is it when you disappeared I'm just gonna be I'm just gonna be straight with you we didn't know if you disappeared, I'm just going to be straight with you. We didn't know if you were ever coming back, even though everyone always has. And we panicked and we made Arnie the host again. You hired Arnie back at 50%. We rehired Arnie 50% off.

Look, can we hire Momo on as a consultant? Because I feel like Momo brought a bunch of great energy to the podcast. Some things I'll be thinking about hosting for years to come. For one, during the intro, should I say everything like I'm surprised by it? Like, that's a good way to sort of get across the premise of the show. Well, Arnie, sometimes you're surprised when you recall your intro. I was surprised at how much I remembered. Well, that was great. I was very impressed. That's great. I also loved how you did the sponsorship read.

That's gonna be especially helpful because Eating Rat Shit and Mouse Cum is actually a sponsor for the next half year. So we're gonna have to be promoting that in every episode for a long time to come. They pay good money. Yeah. You know what, fine, I'll be a consultant.

You guys can keep this sinking ship of a podcast. All right. So then Arnie's the host. Chunt is the co-host. Mm hmm. Momo's the consultant and I'm the co-host. You're the mom. I'm also, I'm the mom.

I'm the babysitter. Oh, we're not playing house. Oh, sorry. No, we're not playing house. Oh, sorry Let's play house. Look if we're gonna have Momo is a consultant. We should take Momo's suggestion. Seriously, we can play house Okay, I'm the divorced dad or the fun uncle whichever sounds more fun I mean the fun uncle sounds more fun just cuz fun is literally in the name. Can I grab anyone booze? This seems like a really full house Sounds more fun just because fun is literally the same. Can I grab anyone booze? This seems like a really full house.

Cut it out. Cut what out Arnie? It. Wow. How rude. I can't think of one. Momo, can I go, and this is going back a little ways. Sure. I'm gonna go back to the You went to college here in Foon. You went to college back on Earth. Oh, what did they teach there? Ernie, you said you learned about mice and men?

Yes. Lots of Steinbeck. I also had to read the book Frankenstein three times in different classes. Oh, Frankensteinbeck. Is that something? Mm-hmm, it is. Of mice and men. Actually, Ernie, I actually really like that.

I think us firing you did you a lot of good. I'm back in it, because I've got my passion back, because I feel the danger. It's still just such a shame, though, that we almost hit 10 years, and now we're starting over at week one. Oh, I can take the pressure off for doing anything cool for the 10 year anniversary.

When time began, mouse and rat were mortal enemies to each other. Shadow puppets. Shadow puppets. The rat, a slightly bigger version of the mouse. The mouse, a slightly smaller version of the rat. Much cuter. But once they realized they could come together

and live inside the walls of a home, they made a treaty that has lasted thousands and thousands of years. That's wonderful. What's the name of the treaty? Um... Moma, why don't you look at me? The wallpaper in here is nice. The detail work on the wallpaper. True fact, not wallpaper. It's painted on. The whole thing's painted. Oh, okay, perfect. Wow, what?

Now I'm even more impressed. Treaty of, the only treaty I could think of is Versailles. And how do I make that about mouse and that? Oh, Vermin's side? Vermin's side, the Treaty of Vermin's side is what Momo said without an assist Slips chunks of gold Wow a genius that Momo is and you know, I feel inspired now

Having been a host for what felt like 30 seconds. That sounds about right. Yeah, roughly a host for what felt like 30 seconds. Sounds about right. Yeah, roughly. Because I just did not realize how poorly us mouse and rats have been treated. I mean, these are land animals right now. We're trying to stick together against the birds and the sea creatures. My God. So we have to stick together.

And you know, I'm feeling fired up again. How invested are you in the animal war? I don't know. Like reading about it every day kind of messes with my nervous system but like I feel guilty if I'm not informed. Right. I don't know if this is true but there was sort of reports I've been following the message boards that get carved into the trees weekly.

There's a rumor that you punched an eel so hard it farted yeah yeah that had huge repercussions isn't that being referred to as the fart heard round the phone his name is Franz Ferdinand and he was an eel but like I'm doing my part right like I'm sending stuff to the front like I'm doing my part, right? Like I'm sending stuff to the front lines. I'm protesting all the things that are made by them. Sure. What stuff are you sending to the front lines?

Like rat cum and... Delicious. Letters. I am like... Oh, can you read one of the letters to us? Yes. Thank you. Ooh, shadow puppets.

My dearest squirrel, it has been many weeks since you left for the war. The children are hungry, but they're hopeful to see you before the holiday comes round. I do not have the heart to let them down. You'll have to win and make an early return so not to break their hearts in mind all my love a Momo Oh already have we told you about war voice? No Anytime there's a war and you read a letter

You just sort of get magically imbued with a certain voice. Here, read one of the other letters here. Sure. My dearest squirrel, but a different squirrel than the other letter. Glad they clarified that. I miss you more than the other squirrel. It's so hard. And I worry that the other squirrel's gonna find out

that I have a relationship with both of you squirrels Momo was stirring the pot You're the squirrel I love more so I've told you about this situation, but I don't think the other squirrel I really now that I think about it. I'm also just addressing these letters to squirrel So there's a good chance this will go to the wrong person. Anyway, I've gone on too long running out of paper. I'm a good writer. Momo. Wow.

Yeah. You see that, Ernie? Mm-hmm. Here, Chunt, why don't you read one of the responses from Squirrel? One of the sponsors? The responses. Responses, yes, of course. My dearest Momo, I write from you from the frontier of the war.

Things are bleak here. They say yesterday an eel got punched so hard it farted. Surely though, that one punch of an eel won't, you know, sort of escalate everything. Of course, the eel's driver took a wrong turn, then he was punched and farted but One wrong turn in a punch of an eel named Franz Ferdinand surely will have zero consequences. I Love you and miss you every letter. Love your squirrel friend. Well. Oh, Nusador, here's the longest letter. Why don't you read it?

Wow, it's so long. So long. I mean, I feel like we already kind of did rule of threes. Let's just do this. Yeah, Nusador, why don't you go get us a drink? Why don't we take a break and I'll read it all over the break. Okay.

Dear Momo, I can't believe that you left me for this other squirrel. They say Hollywood is where dreams are made, a seductive city where many flock to get rich, be adored and capture America's heart. But when the spotlight turns off, fame, fortune and lives can disappear in an instant. When TV producer Roy Raden was found dead in a canyon near LA in 1983, there were many

questions surrounding his death. The last person seen with him was Laney Jacobs, a seductive cocaine dealer who desperately wanted to be part of the Hollywood elite. Together, they were trying to break into the movie industry. But things took a dark turn when a million dollars worth of cocaine and cash went missing. From Wondery comes a new season of the hit show Hollywood and Crime, The Cotton Club Murder. Follow Hollywood and Crime, The Cotton Club Murder on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of the Cotton Club Murder early and ad free right now

by joining Wondery Plus. So, yeah, like I'm doing my part for the war. That's why I can like I'm sleeping with birds. What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I heard that the war is like serious, but like it's not that's like no one's trying to kill each other That's why you know people are punching eels and stuff. Yeah, no one's to die So wait, I'm just saying you're you're sleeping with birds Because of the war or you're sleeping with birds just in that you're despite the war despite the war I see you're like

Sleeping with birds. I'm not calling them back Which I guess is me doing my part. You know what I mean? Yeah That's a sort of Crumbling them from the inside out. So I am doing that fuck with them on the battlefield to be sure I see yes Yes, so that's like GI Joe being like look this war is a is important, but like I'm still fucking Destro Who's he, Wessa? Gastrointestinal Joe, is he okay? Gastrointestinal Joe, yes, on Earth.

He's a Joe with a GI problem. Oh yeah, like Crohn's disease. Okay, sounds pretty serious. You know how old Crohn's are always shit in their robes? Yeah. And he distros that toilet. Well. Yeah, and he distros that toilet Well, I don't want to concern everyone but I have noticed that a number of the rats and mice are Picketing outside you said or I hate to interrupt you but we blew right past Momo sighing with disgust

but we blew right past Momo sighing with disgust. So sorry. Oh, it's the vermin sigh. She's calling upon the treaty of vermin sigh. Mm-hmm. It's the vermin sigh. And you know what? If all these rats and mice are protesting outside, then I'm with them. Time to join the picket line.

Unless it's cold out there. Is it cold out there? It is. It is. It looks like it's snowing. Oh, look at some of the signs hell numb. I won't come This is getting serious They're threatening to not come Good luck signs says unfit to shit

Okay, good luck seasoning your food for the next several months idiots Wow, my little Union sign worked Momo has power that's beyond just her physical strength. Look, I'm very pro-union, but also we should probably not meet their demands because it's good for us that they're not shitting and coming in our restaurant. Maybe we should make more seats and chairs that are rat and mouse size so they don't feel like they have to go into the kitchen directly. They can just pull up a chair and order some food just like everyone else. I love that idea.

Now we're thinking also, Artie, you're grossly underestimating how much rat cum and mouse shit is in the food that you've been enjoying so much. Should I cast a spell to show him? Yes. And then he can't unknow it. Not the Blacklight spell. Yeah, look at that plate of food right in front of you right now. OK.

Irroth Troll, come on, come on, come on. Oh, my God. Oh, it's like an episode of room raiders. I mean, Tomb Raiders, you know that, you know. Chunt, you can rest. We all know. Why don't you guys ever let Chunt rest? That's the biggest gift I've ever received. Let him say the first part of a thing and then we sort of get it, so just let him rest.

Yeah, just let it go. It's fine. Ares got it. Oh, oh no. Look at, oh, what's all this? Look, there's a bunch of voles and marmots and mongases. They're all kind of, they have like, kind of scabs all over. They're running all over the tavern here. Oh

What's that noise? Arnie what's that noise? Why'd you make that noise? Are you disgusted? Oh bigger vermin are worse than little Now the truth comes out about when I was human size, how you really felt about me. I was worse. Wow. I cannot believe the guy who I replaced on a podcast

is so despicable. Arnie, put a shirt on. Put a freaking shirt on Arnie. You disgust me. But under this black light, there's so much cum on this shirt. I'm not happy about that. I love the shoe fits. I Don't know what I'm trying to say. Yeah. Yeah, I agree with Momo though

If this shoe fits you should put on the shirt. Yeah that happens to be covered in rat cum I mean, what are you gonna do where rats supposed to come? You know what? I hate to say this Arnie I think we're all a little upset with you. Could you go away and would you mind if broccoli came back? Okay. All right, you know you messed up when we'd rather talk to broccoli Hey guys, I'm broccoli I'm back and I know what you're thinking. No, I'm not a tiny tree No one thought that Yeah tree. No one thought that. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. That's kind of all I've got.

That's literally all I've got. Never occurred to me. Trunks and bark. I mean, yeah, it doesn't have any sort of bark or roots. Yeah, yeah. If you weren't thinking that, I literally don't know what to talk about. OK, well, do you have a family? Yeah. Question mark.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, we're in a bunch. I Mark. Jesus Christ. Yeah, we're in a bunch. I think. OK. Do you have a job that you go to every day? This is bleak. Are you trying to find love? Are you trying to kill someone? Like anything, anything.

Anything. A purpose. You ever fucked a cauliflower Give us something anything everyone's fucked a cauliflower What about a fruit what about a piece of fruit ooh, it's me with those birds They're crows by the way the crows the preference I have what what is it about crows? They're like the hot topic of birds. It's insane. There's a crow in town It is insane who he's pulled this crow is fucked everyone and he has a wildest weird hair And he's fucked. He's fucked all my friends

Or at least two of my friends two of my hot friends. It's kind of insane, but you can just count on him to fuck everyone. Anyway, Adam Durowitz. I, now I understand why Ani always asks guests about, you know, how they procreate and that sort of thing. It was just immediately engaging, wasn't it? Broccoli, what else do you fuck? Hmm, that's a shirt.

That's a shirt. Hmm, I fuck up your office if you put me in the microwave. Tell you that, like, I'm gonna stink up the place. Why, what do you do, what? Microwave? If you reheat me, I'm gonna smell really, like have a very strong odor. Yeah, if you reheat anyone, they're gonna smell.

What are you good at then? Because like, it sounds like you sort of, you're the type of guy that I have to put a ton of butter on. Great question. Or oil or salt or something else to make you like manageable. Cheese? Cheese. Yes. Sorry, Usadr, could you be a deer and get me another fondue-tini?

I'd be, I'd love to. I'll be right back. Thank you, honey. He's sweet. Hey, Broccoli. Yeah? I'm gonna be honest with you. When, uh, when my co-host comes back with that fondue-tini, um, I think Memo's gonna

dump it on you. Hmm. And they're pretty hot. They're piping hot. Oh. So. Are my ears burning? Are you guys talking about me over here? Chunt, a word?

French. That is a good word. I'll let you be for now. Arnie taught me that word. A king's juice for you, Chunt. A glass of water for Broccoli. And of course a fondue-tini for our beloved Momo. Oh, thank you so much for Broccoli, and of course a fondutini for our beloved Momo. Oh, thank you so much.

Um, Broccoli, would you be a dear and come sit next to Momo? Sure. And you have pretty good nutritious value, you said, those sort of first things you said? I think so, yes. Yes, that's one of the few things I know about myself. Hmm. Alright, well, sit still. Why are you- AYAAH! AYAAH!

GASP! Oh no! Broccoli, take your hands off your nipples so you can protect your face! Hahaha! Broccoli, you're covered in hot cheese! Ugh! Time to eat the broccoli. Takes a big bite.

HWOP! Oh god! I forgot it was Arnie! Hahaha! Ugh! Oh god! Ugh! Pah! Pah! Ugh! Pah! Ugh! Ugh! Oh my gosh, you- Okay, I forgot it was Arnie. Oh God. Oh my gosh. You okay. I I'll be the first to say it.

Your acting was incredible. Oh, thank you. I'll be the first to say I've had this dream before. And I'll be the first to say we should never have fake guests on the show. We should just do what we've always done and just have real guests. And you know, I got promoted and then demoted in a very short amount of time. But I gotta tell you, Momo loves being here.

Oh, actually, point of clarification. I wanted to say you didn't get demoted. Consultants higher than host. This hits. Of course. Chunt, you're fired. Pack up your things. Fuck.

See, this is already paying off. But I do want to say, Chunt, before you leave and then you and me maybe never see each other again, I am just really proud and excited that you guys have been doing this 10 whole years. Momo doesn't like to admit this cause it's a little embarrassing, but I do like to listen to the show from time to time.

It always feels like I'm sitting with my funniest friends. Oh, thank you, Momo. We love having you here. And in fact, your arm, still have broccoli. You're gross. You taste disgusting. We love having you here. And in fact, I- Bite your arm. Ah! Ah, still have broccoli. Ugh, ouch. Ech. You're gross. You taste disgusting. I'm sure I do.

It's probably all the rat cum. Momo, that was a very lovely thing to say, but Chunt's dragging his suitcase away with one sock hanging out very forlornly. Forlornly. He keeps turning around, hoping I'll change my mind. Yeah, he keeps looking back at you. Chunt. Hoping a keeps looking back at you.

Chunt! Chunt! Chunt! No, it's okay. Come on back. Tell us about how you fucked that cauliflower. Everyone wants to hear the story, buddy. No, don't. No, they do, everybody, right?

Yeah, well, absolutely. We all want to hear the thing about you fucking a cauliflower. Onnie, say yes out loud. Don't just shake your head. Oh, yes. Ten years? My God, for sure. We all want to hear the things about you fucking a cauliflower. Oni, say yes out loud, don't just shake your head. Oh, yes. Ten years, my god, Arty. What the hell is wrong with you? Hey, Momo, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh my gosh, of course. Hey, what's up? I'm gonna launch into kind of describing how I fuck cauliflower as a consultant. And I'm gonna head out. Oh, okay. And that's my cue. Thank you so much for the warning. Mwah, mwah, I'm gonna go. You're, okay. And that's my cue. Thank you so much for the warning.

I'm gonna go. You're my pest friend. And you know what? I mean it, pest friend. Well, technically. She meant that. Hey guys, I have an idea. This may, maybe we'll solve all of our mice

and rat problems. When Momo comes back, should we offer Momo a job running a smaller tavern inside the walls of this tavern and all of the mice and rats? Like, like actually serving them instead of them feeling like they have to run around the other parts of the tavern. Right. Oh, like hello from the teeny tavern. Yeah. Did someone say spin-off show?

On the Patreon, get ready for teeny tavern coming next summer Everyone's sort of wincing because now I'm making a promise that they are going to have to keep Momo plus to my co-hosts who are just Tavern who don't talk and then having guests who are mice and rats who don't talk on or and then having guests who are mice and rats who don't talk on. Mm-hmm. Or Momo gets to do a three episode arc, which is Hello from the Teeny Tavern, and I get to book co-hosts and guests. I mean, it sounds like a lot of work for Momo

and no work for me, so I love it. Agreed. All right. And they all signed this paper in blood. Fantastic. Yeah, we felt. Where'd you get all our blood from? I have a supply. What? All right, and they all signed this paper in blood. Fantastic. Where'd you get all our blood from? I have a supply.

What? Mama, what the fuck have you been up to? I don't know, you guys have to have me on more often. When I'm left to my own devices, I go wild. Oni, I think you had an email you wanted to read. Yeah, yeah, I wanna catch up on it. We've been getting so many great emails from our patrons that are patreon You can join our patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern You can also email us at magic tavern at puppies that supplies. It's a real email address

Here's an email. The subject line is bone mage and the contents of the email is bone mage But Mitch, I'm a boom age. So that's that email The contents of the email is Bone Mage. Bone Mage? Bone Mage. Bone Mage. So that's that email. Here's another one. Hi, my name is Hannah. You have permission to say my name on the podcast. And I'm 28 years old. This is not a joke.

Your podcast made me realize I was autistic last year. Basically, one night hanging out with some now former friends, I excitedly played them an episode, the first one with Flower, hoping we could all enjoy it together. After it was over, they were very quiet, and when press said it was quote unquote fun. One friend told me I should totally play another one. I was sort of confused because the reaction

had been a little dry, but she asked for another, so I played one. They were even weirder after that and I remembered just being so bewildered by the whole thing. Cut to me taking tests for autism and rating my social skills very high. Eventually, we got into sarcasm and how difficult it can be for autistics to process it and my mind went straight back to that moment. Everything clicked. They hated the podcast. They didn't want to hear another episode. I was so garbage at social interactions

I couldn't even tell when I made people uncomfortable. I started looking back at all my past interactions with fresh eyes and what do you know, people were actively being mean to my face and I had no idea. Incredible. Anyways, I'm diagnosed now and those people are no longer bothering me. Please feel free to laugh about this, I know I do. Magic Tavern has truly changed my life. Thank you all. Arnie, I'm very concerned about the part of this email

where you read out Hannah's name and then read that you had permission to read it out loud. Oh. Also, if anyone has a problem with Flower, they got a problem with me. Yeah, I think you- If anyone has a problem with flour, they got a problem with me. Yeah, I was a problem with flour. They got a problem with me. Yeah, it seems like your friends should be diagnosed as fucking assholes.

Yeah, that's true. Actually, I just got the paperwork back. Oh, your friends sucked. They sucked. I mean, to be fair, Hannah did call them former friends. Hannah has already made the break, so that's good. I would just like to formally say that there is space at the table for anybody,

whether you're neurodivergent, neurotypical, or whatever, but not if you're a fucking asshole. Amen. Chunt, stop walking away again. Chunt, Chunt, come back, Chunt, Chunt, come on, please. Don't go, Chunt. Are you sure? back! Chunt, Chunt, come on please! Don't go, don't go, Chunt! Are you sure? Yeah, everyone wants to hear how you fuck the fucking whatever.

You know when you fuck stuff? Come on, everyone wants to hear about you fucking stuff. Oh, actually, let me, uh, hey, let me just open the front door here. Hey, rats, mice! Uh, we're, we're not gonna kill you. We're, you're friends now. Teeny Tavern. We're starting a teeny tavern in the walls A new podcast a better podcast is about to be birthed in these walls Hello from the teeny tavern. I'm committing to three episodes that are gonna be around 35 minutes each

I'll do it sometime in the spring if you want I I think I think since we cut Arnie knees salary we can maybe do this. Yeah, okay fantastic I'm willing to donate money to make this happen. I'm not trying to get paid. I'm trying to make content I'm hungry for that's why I love you so much Momo our shared love of content. I love content It's my very best friend, But it's only teeny guests. Only the teeniest of tiniest guests. We're gonna have cockroaches. We're gonna have little pieces of lint.

We're gonna have things even smaller. Atoms, molecules, mites. Chunt will probably be there after he fucks a cauliflower and is a cauliflower for a week. It's gonna have everything. I love everything you said. I could not support this more Please don't have Adam Monoky please don't have Adam Monoky alone

Please don't have Adam molecule on why one his name is so hard to say to He's just he's a real piece of shit All right. Well, I trust it. You'll be my co-host. You'll be my um sort of what do they call it? Coast yeah, but no, no, no, not like a little left. What's the word I'm thinking of, like co-host? Co-host? Color commentary? Yeah, your color commentary. When you're a cauliflower, you can sit on the couch on the

other side of the guest. Yes. Hello from the Teeny Tavern. Three episodes, maybe. Coming this spring. Sponsored by? Maybe. Rackham. Maybe. Rackham. Maybe. Also listeners, we love all of your emails,

but we officially have enough emails of you telling us that you played our podcast for other people and they hated it. No, I'd say seven or eight more. Okay, all right. Seven or eight more. I think they could do seven or eight more insulting emails, I think they'd love that.

I mean, that seems right though, in a room of, you know, what, 10 people, maybe 20% are going to like it. Maybe two tops. Oh yeah. In case any further clarity was needed, keep those emails coming about strangers not enjoying the show. As far as I'm concerned, if we're still recording, the message hasn't really gotten through. Usual the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Momo the Mouse with Human Strength was played by special guest Erin Keith. Let me say at the time of this recording there is not a Momo shirt that reads Rat Cum is delicious. What a world. There is however a wonderful Momo shirt that reads everybody's working for the Squeak End which you should buy instead. Now there is a small chance that between me recording this and the episode dropping, that Team Magic Tavern did come up with a Rat Come Is Delicious shirt. And if they did, there will be a bell dinging sound to indicate you can get that shirt on our Tee Public Store. Boy have we come a long way from an angel getting its wings. Hopefully you heard nothing. That applies to this entire brand.

Either way, there's a link for merch in the show notes. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Hello from the magic tavern logo by Adler Laban. Magic tavern theme by Andy Poland.