Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 42 - Duck (w/ Christy Bonstell)

Episode Date: February 3, 2025

Frankie the Duck is stressed out about the Animal War because ducks sort of live in the water, land and sky.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungFrankie: Christy BonstellThe Red Queen Merzia: Janet VarneyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

They say Hollywood is where dreams are made. A seductive city where many flock to get rich, be adored, and capture America's heart. But when the spotlight turns off, fame, fortune, and lives can disappear in an instant. Follow Hollywood and Crime, the Cotton Club murder on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. In the depths of an Atlanta forest, a clash between activists and authorities ends in tragedy. I'm Matthew Scherr, and on my new podcast, We Came to the Forest, we expose the hidden

truths behind a shootout that left one activist dead and countless lives forever changed. Binge all episodes of We Came to the Forest ad-free on Wondery Plus. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. I mean, so not real. In a world full of people shouting fake news, we are the original. And long after those other shouting people are gone, we will still be here, offering novelty t-shirts. So there's one thing to look forward to. Now, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years and 11 months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my cousin, Trump the Talking Badger. Weeeeee!

How you doing bud? Oh I'm doing good. I am exhausted already. It's been a long day. Oh, well what have you been doing all day? Well I thought to venture out and take my chances outdoors but I was shape shifting into different animals to try and barter a truce with all the animals. So I turned into an oyster and went to talk to the creatures of the ocean and said hey

why don't we call off this war and I turned into an owl stretch and what way I'm sorry. What was that the Ostrich owl stretch an elf stretch to me. Yeah, you said Traven at the top of the show. That's fair I did it's true. I did it's a it's an ostrich with a owl up top. Oh, cuz You know cuz we have fun here and you know, because we have fun here. And, you know, it's telling the creatures of the sky like, hey, why don't we call this whole thing off? And, you know, so I just try I've been trying to play peacemaker. And it is exhausting, Arnie.

Everyone is just bloodthirsty. He also asked them to start saying tomato, because famously they all say tomato. Yeah, it is wild. I mean, we all say tomato, right, Arnie? Of course. Arnie? I'll pass. You want me to pass you the tomatoes?

Here you go. Yes, please. Mm, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Excuse me. Can I just hang out in here for a minute or so? Sure, well yes. It's an open tavern. Yeah, sit at the table with them. Thank you.

I'm sorry, just one second. I'm also going to introduce my other co-host, Ysordur the Wizard. I am Ysordur, wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Avesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos. Tomatoes. Champion of the great halls of Trocas. The hoves know me as Feangaric, the dwarves know me as zoning and hook Stenges and I known throughout the northeast as gasmineus Mace star and There are other names the names of such great power if ever they were uttered alive You would say

Okay, now we got that bullshit out of the way hey little duck yeah yeah well I'm not I'm not all that little you know for pretty average size duck yeah yeah but I mean I guess I'm little comparatively well I'd say you're actually a you know sort of a robust duck oh thank. I am you know, I I've got a nice breast and a good beak. Yeah, you know, I think a lot of a lot of ducks would love to would love to be me. Sure. Normally, I'm more of a beak man myself. I'm more than a bit more of a beak than a than a brand. I'm just love a good beak. Well, it

is a big man's world. Yeah Well, you just heard my entire list of names. So what is your name duck friend? Oh, my name is Frankie It's a pleasure to meet you Frankie. It's nice to meet you. Nice to meet you Frankie. I'm on another world Nice to meet you Arnie. Do you have any bread by any chance? Like just like little chunks of bread? Oh here, I always carry a few scraps of bread. I can just throw them here on the table. Oh actually, I'd feel better if you threw them on the floor, thanks. On the floor, oh yeah, no problem.

Actually, why don't we, I'm gonna pick up the laptop. Why don't we all go sit on the bench in the bar? We never sit on the bench. Oh yeah, we never sit on the bench. That's so nice. I'll just stay over here and you just wanna to throw me whatever you've got in your pockets. That would be great. Sure.

I've got dice. I will packet those and I will probably try and choke one down. But, you know, if I can, I'll just spit it back out or poop it out. I would recommend not doing that. Arnie, why don't you not throw the dice on the ground so that Frankie doesn't eat them? Oh, fair, fair. Well, I should really learn some self-control. Well. You know, I mean, that's really, that's on me. Shouldn't we all? Not going to happen. Frankie, this is a traven. There's no self-control

on a traven. Yeah, I have never been in a traven before. I have been in a tavern, but never a traven. They're exactly the same. Traven. Is that how you say it, that how you say it? This one is ambulatory has giant legs that carry us all over the land of Foon I assume that you came out of the woods where we've stopped recently the woods where they grow all that holly You know, I assume that Frankie comes from Hollywood. Yes, that's that's right. You know Does that mean if everyone could just relax? Okay, Frankie says relax Well, yeah, I do. I think it would help me relax You've been absolutely delightful so far and I my name is Chunt. I just want to make sure you know, sometimes ducks You know sort of stay in a pond. Sometimes ducks will take flight

With the war you sort of like playing two sides or you staying out of it. You know, I'm just I'm trying really hard to stay out of it, but everybody wants me to pick a side, you know, because because I also sometimes, you know, I my bread is on land. OK, and you got to get that bread. So, you know, sometimes I'm on land and sometimes I'm on water and sometimes I'm in the air and everybody wants me to fight for them. And my girlfriend broke up with me and I don't know what to do. Oh, no. I'm in the air and everybody wants me to fight for them and my girlfriend broke up with me and I don't know what to do.

Oh no. Oh I'm so sorry. A fascinating conundrum to, Yes. Chunt much like you who can shift between shapes. Frankie needs not in shift for Frankie is of the air, is of the water and is of the land. Oh, I do not envy thee having to make the choice

that stands before you. It's hard to pick a side when bread is on the land. That's where you keep your bread. That's where you keep your bread. That's where everybody gets that bread, you know? So yeah, I'm just trying to figure it out. And, you know, all my relatives are kind of freaking out about it.

Sure. My aunt is an owl stretch. Trying to figure it out and you know, I'm all my relatives are kind of freaking out about it My aunt is an owl stretch And she's pretty angry with me at the moment Like I said, my girlfriend broke up with me. So So sorry wizard girlfriend A duck as well or no very much. You're a strong God a duck. Ducks gotta be ducks.

Yeah, you know, that is, that's really kind of hurtful because, yeah, I date a wide variety of creature. Sure. I don't like to put a label on it. You like them thick, is what you're saying. I do like them thick, yeah. I don't see phylum. I don't.

I don't. I don't see phylum. I don't, you know, because not all relationships are about reproduction. Okay. Not all relationships are about that. Some relationships are about emotional support. Yeah. Podcasting.

Yeah. And you can enjoy sexual activity with different creatures without it needing to be about, you know, creating more ducks. A cloaca doesn't have to be for more than one thing, although actually technically it does have to be for more than one thing, but you get what I'm saying. Exactly. So yeah, so I was dating a fish woman.

Fish woman, oh. I was dating a fish woman. Not a mermaid. Not a mermaid. Not a mermaid, okay. No, is a common misconception, but she's like the opposite of a mermaid. So her head Not a mermaid, okay. Is a common misconception, but she's like the opposite of a mermaid. So her head is a fish, and then she has legs where a tail would be. We've met her.

Oh, really? We have met her, yes. She referred to herself as a reverse mermaid, but we've definitely met her, or one of her kin. Yeah. That's amazing, yeah. Yeah, no, we met on an app. Like an appetizer?

Like on top of some mozzarella. On top of like some crustini, some bread apps? She was serving caviar. Oh. Oh wait, yikes. Yeah, that's right. She does, she makes it herself. She does.

It's locally sourced, hyper locally sourced. Sure. It's like, have, hyper locally sourced. Sure. It's like, have you ever had somebody make you guacamole, like right at your table? Yes. At this very table? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. So this is like that, except it's caviar and it comes out of her.

Well, we did have an avocado come up to the table once and say, do you want any guacamole? And then it crushed itself to death right in front of us. So we've had a similar experience. But with a big smile on its face. It was so happy, it was freaky. How was it, Frankie, eating whole to table? Eating what?

Whole to table? Did you say whole to table? Is that a term I just made up? Yeah, I think so. I think. And this is the first time I've heard it, but you know what, I'm not a fine diner generally. Um, I, you know what? It was a new experience for me, but you're never going to get fresher fish eggs. Yeah.

Anywhere else. Also, I don't think the term is hold a table. I think it's ask the mouth. Is that right? Oh, is that right? Is that what it is? That's going to break. Is that right? Is that what it is? That's gonna break.

They say Hollywood is where dreams are made. A seductive city where many flock to get rich, be adored, and capture America's heart. But when the spotlight turns off, fame, fortune, and lives can disappear in an instant. When TV producer Roy Radin was found dead in a canyon near LA in 1983, there were many questions surrounding his death. The last person seen with him was Laney Jacobs, a seductive cocaine dealer who desperately wanted to be part of the Hollywood elite. Together, they were trying to break into the movie industry. But things took a dark turn when a million dollars worth of cocaine and cash went missing.

From Wondery comes a new season of the hit show Hollywood and Crime, The Cotton Club Murder. Follow Hollywood and Crime, The Cotton Club Murder on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of The Cotton Club Murder early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. A few miles from the glass spires of Midtown Atlanta lies the South River Forest. In 2021 and 2022, the woods became a home to activists from all over the country who gathered to stop the nearby construction of a massive new police training facility,

nicknamed Cop City. At approximately nine o'clock this morning, as law enforcement was moving through various sectors of the property, an individual, without warning, shot a Georgia State Patrol trooper. This is We Came to the Forest, a story about resistance, The abolitionist mission isn't done until every prison is empty and shut down. Love and fellowship. It was probably the happiest I've ever been in my life.

And the lengths will go to protect the things we hold closest to our hearts. Follow We Came to the Forest on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of We Came to the Forest early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. All right, we're back and I'm sorry before the break. Maybe I said something that was a little crass I didn't mean to so I can keep it clean in this next segment. But first I've got to say this episode, like all our episodes, is sponsored by Ratshit

and Mousecum. Don't forget to eat Ratshit and Mousecum. Don't forget to eat Ratshit and Mousecum. Arnie, I'm mostly worried after you mentioned ass to mouth. You've told you, SwordEye, so many times that on earth you would constantly visit ATM machines. And now I'm suddenly realizing what those are. Well, first of all, yes, that's the only right way to say ATM machine. Some people on earth call it ass to mouth to mouth and that doesn't make sense. No, you don't need the mouth twice. Yeah, it's mouth to mouth.

Shops trying to resuscitate what I was saying. Does anyone want to know what I was doing all this week? Frankie, what was sort of the catalyst for you and you and your fish gal breaking up? I mean, she just really wanted me to pick a side, you know, and I, I just, I don't feel strongly enough one way or another. And I, it's really made me kind of check in with myself. Like who, who am I? You know, who is Frankie? What is a Frankie? You know? And so I spent a lot of time drinking and Yep, and I went to

Yes, okay I was just checking. I just wanted to be sure oh yeah, I'm a drunk drunk drunk Drunk drunk drunk I'm a drunk and dunk. Is she a drunk? Look, I'll get us around then. Around for everyone. An ale? Who wants an ale? Arnie, an ale? Nope, keep guessing. Don't make me guess. Tell me what you want.

Can I have a mead with a little caviar on top? A little caviar floater? Caviar mead, yes. I can't have that anymore because it reminds me of my girlfriend. I'm sorry Frankie. Arnie, do that anymore, because it reminds me of my girlfriend. I'm sorry, Frankie. Arnie, do you also want a caviar meat? No, I'll have an ale.

Frankie, what can I get for you? Do you want like some reeds that have been left in swamp water and then distilled? Do you have that? Yeah, but it's up in my room. I'll be back in a few minutes. What were you up to this week? Oh, you see, he already left. Oh wait, you wanted to know what I was doing all this week? Yeah, but it's up in my room. I'll be back in a few minutes. What were you up to this week? Oh, you see, he already left.

Oh wait, you wanted to know what I was doing all this week? No, we've moved on, no. Oh shit, all right, I'll be back. So Frankie, what side was your ex-girlfriend on? Was she for the sea? Was she for the land? Oh, she was for the sea, you know, because the top half, so in order to breathe,

she's gotta be underwater. Okay. So she's, you know, solid underwater. And I like, I do date a lot of different people from a lot of different places. And I like to think like I'm culturally pretty like aware. But we, you know, we just, we had some differences and she just felt like I wasn't, you know, didn't have her back thin 100%. And she's probably right. It's probably hard to have her back when you don't know exactly where her back is,

like in compare, like where her like back back is. Yes, and just like a shark, you could only kind of, you know, I could only rub her one way, because if I went the other way, it would like rip my wing off. Yeah, oof. Yeah. Oh, Arnie, we should tell you, never rub a shark the other way it would like rip my way off. Oh yeah, oof. Yeah. Oh Arnie, we should tell you never rub a shark the wrong way. Okay.

Don't do it. Yeah, don't do it. I'm going to avoid rubbing a shark entirely, I think. No, you're missing out. What are the great joys of life, rubbing a shark? Ooh, what's the good, what good does it bring? I don't want to ruin it for you if you ever change your mind. Not going to.

This is so embarrassing, but I just dropped an egg. I'm super sorry. I dropped an egg. Oh, dropped or laid? You know what? I've had quite a few eggs and my pelvic floor isn't what it used to be. And sometimes I cough or sneeze or laugh and an egg just kind of just kind of falls out. I'm really sorry Do you wax your pelvic floor or I probably shouldn't ask that do I wax my pelvic floor wax your pelvic floor

I should think that's crazy. Oh, mr. As to mouth is suddenly Oh, Mr. Aztamouth is suddenly so demure. I do not wax my pelvic floor, but I do a series of exercises to try and strengthen my pelvic floor. Yeah. So, I do that and I take, you know, different things I find around and I put them up there and then I grip them and I drop them and I grip them and I drop them. Oh, and then I grip them, and I drop them, and I grip them, and I drop them. Oh, seagulls. That's what seagulls do.

Yep, exactly. But with my pelvic floor. Mm-hmm. So here's an ale for you, Arnie. Thank you. A mead with caviar. And then for you, Frankie, I got some distilled swamp water from reeds, and of course, I'm going to drink an entire bottle of elderflower liqueur.

Oh, that sounds nice. Would you like any? Easier. Oh, no, thank you. Okay. No, no, thank you. So what are we gonna talk about while he's gone? You wanna talk about what I did this week? Give us the first word. I?

Okay. No, I'm out. Wow, your friends are tough. We are, a little bit. I mean, they're not like, might rip you beak to tail because you won't take a side tough, but they do seem pretty tough. Yeah, it can be a little difficult at times

to find the purchase that I need for the friendship woes and triumphs I'd wish to share for the good times and the growth that we could all delve into together. Okay, tell us one thing you did this weekend. I learned a new spell. Oh. Okay. So Frankie, what do you kind of do for a living?

Do you have a job? I am a model. I'm a model duck. So yeah, so people hire me for paintings or for commercials. That's right. Yeah, so you might've seen me around just selling stuff. What sort of products have you been in paintings for to promote?

Um, lingerie. Oh, oh. Mm-hmm, that's right. And- I think I saw that. I think I saw that on the side of the road. There was a giant painting of a duck in lingerie. That was you?

That was me. That was absolutely me. Yes, 100%. You know, I mean, a lot of people, when you think about a duck, you don't necessarily automatically think sensual, but ducks are very sensual creatures. Very sensual creatures. The way water cascades off your back. Thank you.

Sumptuous, yeah. Yeah. you. Yeah, I also have been selling pictures of my flippers. Just to kind of get me through this. It's a war of times, lean times. I understand. It's no problem. You gotta do what you gotta do. My gov'n kicked me out. So like, you know, I'm like in between places. And it's really hard to find a place right now. Like just-

So you don't even have a place to stay. No, I'm just like drifting from place to place. There's like, nobody wants to rent to me. Nobody wants me to stay there because I won't pick a side. So it's, you know, it's hard right now. So I just, you know, keep selling those flipper picks and you know- Is that anything like only fins?

Yeah, that's right. It is exactly like only fins. Uh, and I did learn about it from my ex who, but caviar was really just a passion. Her passion is serving you the eggs that she makes with her own body. Sure. But the way that she, her real income stream, um, her real income upstream is, yeah, is actually, you know, from OnlyFins. I've definitely subscribed to Duck Hunt a few times. It's usually like ducks being sexy

and then there's like a giggling dog in front of them. Can you say that again? Nah, I'd rather not. Yeah, no, I like that one because, you know because you can, you get the action of cocking. You gotta cock that. You gotta keep this action. I've never seen a duck make that motion with its wings. It's just fascinating to see you do it.

Yeah, I mean, if you were to take away my feathers, you would see that my hands look exactly like yours. Wow. Yusur, is that the spell? Did you learn a de-feathering spell? I've always known a de-feathering spell. I love birds. Wait, ducks have human hands under their feathers? Do you mind if we de-feather your hands for a minute?

Just, I can put them right back. Yeah, yeah, go for it. Ingothar, a ton, tiyatay. Wow. Yeah, yeah, go for it. Ingothar, a time to die. Wow. Oh, yeah, right? Isn't that crazy? That is wild. You have fingernails.

Yes, we do. Absolutely. I do. I get them done. Did you paint those yourself? Yes, of course I did. You know, you've got to keep your appearances up even when you're going through massive depression and anxiety.

You know, even when everyone has outlawed you and like pushing you to the side, you still have to like to carry yourself, you know, you have to take care of yourself. Absolutely. And I see you're wearing a mood ring and it looks like sort of a deep orange. Not sure what that means. You sort of do you know with a mood ring what deep orange means? Um, yeah, I think it means I'm feeling very French. Right.

I think, yeah. Sensual but not sexual. Ducklalaurange. Trying to sort of... Exactly. Just trying to make your way in the world and... I have to say this. It's very, take a little bit of ennui.

Right, exactly. There is some sadness built into it. Frankie, if you don't have a place to stay, Arnie, Chunt, why don't we let Frankie stay here? And then, since ducks famously sleep with one eye open, we'll always be safe. Absolutely. I'm sure we could magic a pond somewhere around here or... Well, how about right in front of the bench that we're sitting in? Oh sure, I'll just magic up a fucking pond.

Every time you want something done, I'm just gonna magic it up. The fuck, don't even wanna listen about my weak. All right, fine, what was the spell you learned? Fine, what was the spell you learned? It better not be a pond spell. I learned how to turn the color green into the color blue. Oh. Oh.

Wow, well that would be useful for a pond if the pond had some sort of problem with its pH balance. Right. When the pond gets sort of grimy and green, you can just change the color back to blue. It doesn't actually fix anything, but it looks a lot better. Looks safe. Looks safe to drink. Wow.

Yeah. Wow. I hate when a pond gets kind of slimy. Pond scum. Yeah. You. I hate when a pond gets kind of slimy, pond scum. Yeah, you really gotta watch that pH balance, you know? You really, like, you gotta just make sure that you're keeping it clean. Mm-hmm.

That was you too. That big poster for the pH. Check your pH. That's right. And you're kinda looking back over your wing, and you're kind of like, your bill's a little bit open, but there's, it's like water just rolling off of you. I thought it was a very wet and horny ad for checking pH balances. Thank you. Thank you.

Well, you know, I mean, it's for it's for a product that you use to wash that, you know, helps adjust that pH balance. And as somebody who was, you know, having sex with a fish, you really got to be, gotta be careful. Sure. Gotta be careful. Gotta be careful. Got any sky friends, Frankie?

You know, I do, but I'm, flying has always been my weakest ability, you know? Me too. So, yeah. I mean, if you've seen a duck walk or run, you know that that's like my number one skill I'm so good at walking and running Okay, it's like you know like a duck to attract that's correct. Yeah

Like a duck to attract and then second I would say is is swimming or gliding. I don't even know that I swim You know, I just kind of gliding So flying is like, you know, it's not like my favorite and I feel like a lot of the other flight animals kind of poke fun at me when I'm up there. Out of everybody, they're like my least favorite. That's very rude. Should we kill them?

Yes. No, I don't know. I mean, there are a lot of very attractive birds. I agree. You know? But yeah, they're just, they're kind of, I don't know. Have you ever seen a vulture? Oh yeah, I've seen a vulture.

Arnie, have you seen a vulture? Do they have vultures on Earth? Yeah, and you know what? Week after week, they don't recommend our podcast. I don't get it. So then you know they're the worst, you know, not they're just like they pick it carrying and did you know that they actually that they don't have feathers on their heads so that their pH balance on their head remains good and they don't get any infections on their

face. That's so head. So head safe head with the vultures. A vulture will give you safe head. That's correct. Easy. Easy kneecap. Not what I would have guessed. Easy buddy. Not what I would have guessed. Easy buddy. Stroke the middle of your nose.

Easy boy. Easy boy. Now, everyone hates vultures, but what about starlings? Don't you hate starlings even more? The worst fucking birds? Yes. I mean, they fly in those huge flocks.

Who needs that many friends? Like how bad do you have to feel about yourself if you need that many people around you at all times? You know? Right, why would you need a whole bunch of friends? People who like you want to hear about what you did during the week. Exactly.

You know, maybe you should get an OnlyFins and you can tell people on there what you did during the week. Sometimes they might even give you some trinkets some crackers. I work for crackers. So you know, you can kind of pick what they what they pay you in. I do like crackers. Do I have to grow a fin?

Um, yeah. I mean, do you have a fin spell? Also speaking of will you make my hands back into wings because this is very uncomfortable. Sorry. It's got to be cold. I promised I would. this is very uncomfortable. Oh yeah, sorry, sorry. It's gotta be cold. I promised I would. It feels very vulnerable and I don't care for it. It's so weird to watch you crack your knuckles

in sort of like shadow box. Shmerkity burkey burp. Thank you, that's much better. Do I have a fin spell? Not that comes to mind, but perhaps I could go search through my tomes and spell books trying to find one. Chunt, do you just want to morph into something that has a fin and just sort of ride on my head? Ooh, yeah, that's kind of fun. Kind of a tandem thing.

Yeah, so you can ride my face and then we'll just go and we'll do an only fins. Okay, let me just sit down on your face here mustache rides are free. Someone someone should This is I just feel like this is gonna do really well, I think that there's a very specific Crowd that is looking for exactly exactly this I don't know why you need a chun for that You could have just used your hat change your hat and you could have done like a deepest bluest my hat is like a shark's fin That's a good idea Chunt I don't need you anymore. I'm sorry, but uh before I go could you give me like a like a

Close enough, let's take a quick break enough. Let's take a quick break. So I look I know we've all been participating in this gig economy like I've been doing some OnlyFins where I do sexy Adventure Time drawings. I don't do all the characters. OnlyFins? What is Adventure? What is the three of us going on adventures have to do with Fins's it's shockingly popular on earth. Huh? What's it about my drawings? Yeah, could you be more specific? What's that? Could you be most specific? No a No. I can't think of one. A million characters and I can't think of one.

Now you told me you were gonna start your own site to get off of OnlyFins and you're gonna call it JakeHub? Yes. Yeah, but my work wasn't up to the quality I would like to. I was coming up with stuff that was less than Jake. Well, you know, I mean, one of the best channels on OnlyFins is, you know, a lot of people are into real big fish. Ooh, yes.

And where would I pick that up? Pick it up, pick it up. I think you have to follow them around. I think, I don't think you can just go anywhere. I think you have to kind of like go where they go, right? And they're going everywhere. Oh, okay. Well, maybe another time.

Maybe another, when I have some more free time. Sounds good. I don't know why, but this conversation is making me so angry. Yeah, I know. It's very uncomfortable in here. Everyone's knees keep getting really high. Look, there's no reason to be angry. Frankie, we feel for you. You're torn betwixt three worlds, and we want to help you come to some sort of new sense of balance in your life. First of all, we want you to have a roof over your head. You're welcome here anytime.

Oh, thank you. I'll be back. And also, Frankie, I'm sorry I have to ask this, but I just do, Because every time someone says, all of my friends are turning against me because of my political beliefs, I just have to ask, are you an asshole? Like, I'm just making sure, like,

because sometimes those people are assholes. Like, I'm not saying that's you, I'm just making sure. I don't think I'm an asshole. I think that I just, you know, I like to, I like to do my own research. And I like to, uh like to do my own research and I like to, uh, That's another red flag. My own, you know, views on things. I don't, I don't like somebody else telling me how I should feel.

You know, I would say that like, if somebody was like inviting me, I feel like right now, somebody's inviting me to like three different parties, but I'm like a fourth party, you know what I mean? Like I don't want to go to either any of those parties So I made my own party. We do need a viable fourth party. That's true We need a viable fourth party So, you know and I just I'd like to I listen to a lot of people, you know Who are not like part of them part of the mainstream that runs into the pond But you know some of the smaller tributaries,

I like to go meet people from there. Listen, just listen to what they have to say. Cause you gotta keep an open mind. So I don't think I'm an asshole. I think I just trust myself more than I trust the leaders of any particular Organization I'm really torn because on the one hand that seems maybe not smart But on the other hand a lot of the leaders in food are crazy bad So I don't really know where to stand on this, you know

This is a total sidebar, but you brought up tributaries and I just wanted to mention that I've always really liked Joey tributary mm-hmm he was one of my favorites how's he doing how is he doing Joey tributaries doing great just great how's he doing are you doing yeah thank you good yeah it's all fun and games till he hangs out with his sister huh his sister yeah I think he kind of had a spin out with his sister. Oh Right Kind of lost the popularity after that. Yeah, I think he played it so poorly. I didn't even know that happened Yeah, I think that he played mittens with a monkey. I can't be right. I don't know. I kind of think I love this guy. See, I mean, that's what I'm saying is you can find, you know, good points of

view in the most unlikely of places. Now, would people think that Joey Chirby Terry is like the smartest person they've ever met? No, No. No. But he has a unique perspective. Mm-hmm. Sometimes he'll dress up like a eel. He calls himself Dr. Drake Ramore Eel, I believe. Yes, he does. And if I remember correctly, for me, when he does things like that, he's actually more believable as a human being. Yeah, sadly, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I love my friends. Huh?

I love my friends. You guys, my friends. I love my friends. Even me? Even you. Oh. I did live in a fountain for a while. Are you looking at a fountain?

Oh, I saw that painting of you dancing in the fountain. Yeah, I lived I lived in a big fountain underneath an umbrella Three or four claps For I think it's four but here's the thing look we got to get back to your problems Frank Okay, your life's a joke. You're broke your love life's do a do a Arnie. Is that like ATM? Yeah, dick. I know the Like I just I you guys have been so so great to me And I just want you to know that I'll be there for you also When the rain starts to fall what especially because I it'll just roll right off right off my back water for that

Especially because it'll just roll right off my back. Water off a duck's back. That's good to hear because it really hasn't been my day, my week, my month or even my year. Oh, you Sodor buddy. You really have been stuck in second gear. What does that mean? I'm not sure. I can't really explain it. Is that an Earth thing?

I think? We've said all of them. Well, Frankie, I don't know if you're... I think? We've said all home Well, Frankie, um, I don't know if you're I gotta say I appreciate that and please count on us for anything you need We'll be there Lickety split I wanted to see if you would be comfortable If I could maybe enlist you to help spread the word of peace to the to the different factions of animals since you have Your you know, you're I don't know if you call it a foot or it's like a claw or I don't know what you have down there.

But you have that. You're talking about flippers? Your flippers. You kind of have your flipper in all three worlds, so did you want to kind of help me spread peace? Oh my gosh. I would be like a real phone hero. Yeah, absolutely.

You know, in fact, I have had this idea for like a traveling duck play. You know, where I would I would go out and just like tell people about all the bad stuff that's happening in the world that like that like other people are doing so that they. Yeah, I will, because I want people to know things are bad things are bad everywhere. Like a documentary. Like a documentary thank you. Holy shit that was good.

Like a documentary. Wow. Well that sounds like a truly important calling. I couldn't be prouder of you. I love birds that's well established. I've always loved birds. So Frankie, I loved you from the second you came up to the table.

And if there's anything you need to get your documentary started, I'd gladly donate. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, I would absolutely just love some crackers and some bread. And that's pretty much like 90% of my day is just like sourcing crackers and bread. So like if you just, that would like really take that off

of my plate so that I can concentrate. So you just need some carbs to get you started. Your love language is carbohydrates. Yeah. Absolutely, you know, and bonus, if there's my girlfriend's eggs on top, but if that's not gonna happen anymore than that is what it is I would like to pledge

Ten cracker tins full of crackers as long as I get executive producer credit and a t-shirt sold Wow, absolutely. You can have a t-shirt. Is there any way that I can help support these ducktails? Oh You're just gonna need some help and look I hate to start making ducktales So I know I hate to start this down this path But you know, I do know life is like a hurricane and so you're gonna need some help. Oh, here comes the story of the hurricane Yeah, I would I would absolutely like if you happen to have I don't know This is I'm really reaching but like let's say you have a big room full of gold doubloons That we could all swim in. Yeah, like that would help me

Produce these duck tells like race cars lasers airplanes. I think there's one of those rooms in here Don't know what those words are that you said. I want to go. Guys, that sounds amazing. I once saw a gem goblin dive into a pool of gold pieces broke his neck. Broke his neck. Oh no. Well, you have to make sure that it's not too shallow.

Oh, oh yeah. You know, you gotta like make sure it's got enough. I mean, if anyone could do it, it's a duck, right? Oh yeah. Yeah, good call, good call. They dive under the surface all the time. Adapt it all manner of methods of air, sea, and land so it makes sense that they could easily adapt

to a pool of gold coin. Exactly. So yeah, that would be great. Yeah. Well, done. As soon as I find this room full of gold. I know we've got. Oh, and Frankie, you were mentioning you bring up a amazing point. We do need a fourth, you know, sort of party in food. And I was thinking, I don't know if you've ever met Pizza Skull, but he's

cool skull with attitude. And I feel like we could maybe start a pizza party. I feel like a lot of people could get behind a pizza party. Oh my gosh. I was, I, well, I mean, I was going to call it the Mighty Ducks, but I think that a pizza party also sounds like a great idea because pizza has a lot of crust and people don't like to eat the crust,

but I do. So they throw it, you know, on the ground. So I'm good with that. Well, yeah, I've got some pizza crust in my pocket Oh great If it's from pocket that makes it even better because that means that there's like some yummy fuzz on the outside of it Oh, thank you so much. That is your pocket is steaming. That is a hot You've made that gaffe again, huh? Yeah, already I made that joke again Arnie's over here being like

Oh, you've made that gaffe again. Yeah, Arnie. I made that joke again. Arnie's over here being like, oh John's back in that joke again I should probably say something and I'm sitting here being like Arnie shut the fuck up and that Arnie's like Oh, he told me to shut the fuck up Sean I keep telling you that's a voice in your head. I don't know your why is the voice in your head so critical? I don't know. What a weird thing to do. Oh, already. Already. Already. I can't tell if you're doing that or that's in my head. Already. Do you have an email email? Oh, yes, I do actually. Hey, dear listener, we love you so much. I'm sorry. I haven't addressed you directly since the beginning

of the podcast. You can always email us at magic tavern at puppies dot supplies. It's a really email address. You can also join our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern at puppies dot supplies. It's a really email address. You can also join our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern. I encourage you to join it via the website and not the app because apparently there are new added fees. If you join via the app, but anyway, I'm sure. Can we address the audience at any time?

We can address the audience at any time. Whoa. And Arnie, did you just say Viva La website? Did I just say diviva La Web-site? Viva. Oh. I did a burlesque show for a while and my name was Diva La Website.

Because of your web toes? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Usador, Usador, Usador. What? What? Oh, we should address the audience. Audience, listen to me now. This is Usador. Arnie has an email to read, We should address the audience. Audience, listen to me now.

This is Ysodor. Arnie has an email to read, but I must beseech thee on my behalf. If you believe in me, clap your hands. I don't hear any clapping. I don't hear anything either. Read your email. Okay, so here's an email. It's actually about the animal war.

Here's an email that reads, with the impending war of the animals is Chunt at all concerned about the badgers. Last I knew they weren't very happy with him. And I'd hate for anything to happen to my favorite little badgy, a very worried pest control technician. Oh, um, yeah, that's a good call. Uh, you know what? I actually recently haven't seen a lot of badgers. Uh, you see the occasional one on the road, but typically I will, you know, stop walking on two legs, get down on all fours and kind of grow my fur out over any, you know, starmer I'm wearing or, you know, hide any weapons I might have or, you know, just to kind of blend in.

It is funny, last I remember back in season one, you were briefly the king of the badgers, right? And then all the badgers turned on you because you weren't really a badger. In fact, they actually sold us out to the Dark Lord as well, if I remember correctly. Is that right? Yeah, I guess I was king of the badger for a while. I just kind of ruled myself. Right.

Yeah, I guess I haven't seen a lot of badgers. I wonder what they're up to. Is this a recap? Anything else you want to go back and cover from 10 years ago? Oh, Arnie, could we segue into a clip show? Sure. Oh, that'd be good. But Chunt, I just want to let you know, recently, it wasn't Winter Solstice just a few weeks ago. And I, you know, every Winter Solstice, I write a letter to all our friends and family, you know, telling about our explains, and I definitely sent one to the Badgers

so that they know what you're up to and where you're at and how to find you. Shit. We should probably get this tavern's legs moving. Okay. It's a good idea. All right. You know what, why don't,

oh wait, I take this picture of water? Frankie I'm just gonna pour this water on the tavern floor and then that's That's your mom. Is it avian water? That's the only one just avian water No, no, it is Chanta. I'm sure it's okay. Yeah, you're good. So go for it. So that's that's your home now Oh, sorry that's spreading out more than I thought it would. A lot of it's being soaked up by the wooden planks, but I'm sure you'll make do until you sort of learns a pawn spell. Yeah, that's it. Oh, I'm so sorry, that's another egg.

I'm really sorry. That's okay. But I can provide you with eggs, so. Yeah, that's perfect. We're back to, what did you say earlier about the ATMs? Right? I can provide you with ATMs. Yay!

Yeah! Ass to mouth. Ass to mouth. Ass to mouth. Ass to mouth. As to mouth. As to mouth. If the iHeart Podcasts Awards Committee

listens to a single 10-second clip before handing out the award for Best Fiction Podcast, I find myself praying it's the 10 seconds we just heard. Usual The Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. Frankie the Duck was played by special guest Christy Bonestell. When she's not busy baking homemade cinnamon buns each day at sunrise for every firefighter in Illinois, Christy enjoys hot yoga,

swimming the perimeter of Lake Michigan, tidying up public libraries for free, and never resting. Merzia the Red Queen was played for one word by Janet Varney. Oh, that's after the credits, never mind. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern.

I'm only now realizing there are no custom T-shirt updates in these post-show credits I'm only now realizing there are no custom t-shirt updates in these post-show credits I'm making up, which just shows when God closes a door, he also gives you a tiny break from talking about mouse pee pee or whatever. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Avril Raffae. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Anna Haverman. Still got it, kids? Frisky.