Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 43 - Business Night

Episode Date: February 10, 2025

CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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of you. Might as well get on with it. Sit back and enjoy the show. I call this meeting of Hello from the Magic Tavern to order, a first order of business. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie. Knee Kim. I object. You sort.

What part of it do you object to? Well, I think that you should say hello from the magic tavern. I Am the greatest warrior in all of food Arnold B camp none shall defeat me None shall stand on my grave for I shall live for all time. All right and chen you're taking notes, right? Yes, could you read that back? You said I'm the stenog stenog gopher Could you read that back? You said I'm the Stenog... Stenoggofer? Stenoggofer? Yeah, Stenoggofer.

Uh, so... Let's see... I wrote down minutes. Mm-hmm. Then I said, chunt here. Okay. How's everybody doing? Good.

Then it says, I object. Something, something, rambling, rambling. You said, oh, bullshit. Arnie said, that back chunt. Okay, great. All the key points. And you said Stenog stenographer is your favorite part of loveboat. Oh, yes Let's carve out some time on the patreon for me to talk about loveboat for a long time So then I get a little spicy

Mercy Arnie, please. I want to hear more about this police academy One through six, but then after six, they start to go downhill. Oh, okay. But up through there, pure gold. Hey guys, second order of business, one of my co-hosts introduced themselves. Oh, I am Usador, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius. Slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down.

Manipulator of- He's writing all this down. Magical delights. All delights. Devourer. Okay. Of chaos. Okay, okay. Champion of the great halls.

Halls of Turokis. Of tea. There's an apostrophe there. Where's the apostrophe? It's right after the R. You seem unsure. You seem to remember. No, no, no, no, I'm pretty sure that's right after the heart sure you seem to remember

Right, okay I'm known to the elves as fearing Alec. Yeah fee. It's fi apostrophe ang I think I know where the posture he goes there. The dwarves know me is zoning and who stangies no apostrophes Okay, already. Did you want to interject? I just want to make sure I get that. Um, yeah Can I have just a sub thing in there that says feline zealig? I'm gonna bring that one back. Well, I am known throughout the Northeast as gas manias May star and there may be secret names that affair I did utter aloud Then most assuredly all the gophers and food would find themselves dancing simultaneously

Okay, got it. Whoo. And I'm John. All right. Business night. Business night. Guys, thank you so much. I figured we've been doing this for almost 10 years. And since the 10 year anniversary is coming up in more or less a month, we should really have a business meeting and talk about how we're doing things for the podcast, but also just How we're doing things for the podcast, but also just general business Business night business night. Well shit now you sir has to do another one. I think Arnie I think it is weird when you said or it goes first. Well, I think he was catching up from the last round Oh, oh, oh shit. We lapping each other. I had a frog in my throat Here he is. Oh, you've got a little top hat mckay hello hello hey I am so sorry buddy we are having a business meeting otherwise we would absolutely interview you I'm sure you have a fascinating

personal life but for now can you fuck off bar I used to be a prince goodbye also he could have been a spy for the sea for the animal war. Or the town of frogs. Yeah. I never thought about that, the amphibious forces. I mean, we met that duck that was torn, twixed all three lands, sea and air. I suppose a frog falls in much the same position.

Because of the jumping? Yes. The way ducks jump and the way frogs jump, it's an easy parallel to make. I've seen, during the animal war, I've seen a lot of posters that say frogs put the fib in amphibious, just trying to sew, you know, just kind of, you know, not trusting any sort of amphibians.

How do you spell amphibious on this world? There's some apostrophes in there, I know that. I, apostrophe, M, space I know that I apostrophe M space fib space OUS Hmm. I'm obvious. Yeah, sure. Yeah, it sounds right. I like that on this world It's hard to be bad at spelling because everyone's sort of like uncertain anyway Yeah, I mean as long as people understand and communicate Spelling isn't particularly highly prized. There in fact is a spelling hive that happens in most dungeons

where the prisoners are forced to spell words and then the winner is executed. And that's how we get honey. And that's where honey comes from. And the winner is executed? The winner is executed. Right. Yeah. Because spelling is not highly prized here.

Yeah. In the spelling hive. And we don't want them to procreate and make other good spellers, if that makes sense. It's like, why are you telling me the correct spelling of amphibious? I know how to spell amphibious just any way I want that someone else can read it and be like,

that's the word amphibious. Spelling's for nerds. Speaking of things that are for nerds, let's see, maybe I'll throw out the first order of business. I'm sort of generally trying to catch up on our emails, of which we get a lot, at magictavern at puppies.supplies. Also you can email us at our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern. Oh, finally we're starting with emails.

Here's one that I got recently Use an or wizard of the 12th realm of aphesius master of light and shadow manipulator of magical delights. Are you keep Devour of chaos yeah Apostrophe speaking of which according to this person the apostrophe is after the second are right. That's what I said Okay. The elves know him as Fianyellic. Yeah. The dwarfs know him as Zonan and Hoogstangies. Dwarfs? Dwarfs?

It says in here dwarfs. But not dwarves? Not dwarves. Shit. But although the whole thing reeks of being copy and pasted, so that mistake might have come from anywhere. Well, as long as they spelled it in a way

that everyone understands it, I don't care. Spelling's for nerds. So they say all that, and then they say that you might be chronically drunk and slightly mad, but he deserves an email address. And that's the whole thing. People miss having a way to communicate with you, Usador. Does drinking sometimes on Earth,

Earth, right? Yes. If people drink too much, do you not get an email address? That would probably be wise, actually. Like after a certain, if you drink too much, you do not have access to your email. And if you are mad. And if you're mad, exactly.

Okay, so it's sort of like if you're drunk, you don't have to go home, but you can't send emails. Yeah, you can't send here. Okay. Also, a point of order for our business meeting. I want to say that all of these emails, I don't want to make Chunt write those down again. We have them in a written form.

I think we just say, enter it into the record. Okay, that's good. I would like to enter this email into the record. Smart, enter into the record. Oh shoot, I wrote down record instead of record. Is there a way to rerecord that? I think we just, we might have to start the episode over. Record, say R-E-C-I-R-D, record.

Okay. So Ysidore used to be pretty active on Twaderton, but that seems to have stopped. Yeah, it's a real hell hole there. Yeah. I'd love for that whole thing to just disappear into the darkest realms of hell. Perhaps Pizza Skull could come and devour it

and take it back to Pizza Hell with him. Yeah, it does seem like Twitter is increasingly like not an option. Although I think we still have a Magic Tavern Twitter account that we post what the show is and everything. But it's worth mentioning, we are also now on Blue Sky. Oh, how exciting. What the hell is that? I mean, it's kind of like Twitter. What a rigging endorsement. I mean, it's kind of like Twitter.

What a ringing endorsement. You also noticed that I didn't ask, are drunk people not allowed to make a Twitter account? Because I already knew the answer. No, they can. They absolutely can. But you can follow us on bluesky at magic tavern on bluesky. And Yusador, are you willing to commit to getting on bluesky? Well, I mean mean I like their branding

I mean, it's called blue sky. I like their branding. I'm a blue wizard You're basically mr. Blue sky. Yeah, I love birds One of the things I miss about Twatterton is there used to be a little bird there and I thought that was very adorable Then they took the bird away and I was like fuck right on. Yeah, it did turn from Twatterton to Exerton I've heard that Exerton is bad but Bridgerton's pretty good now sure I suppose I could create an account on blue sky why think of it the marriage of our powers the most incredible blue wizard in all of food but the amazing power of social media through blue sky And how many how many oh so sad yeah, I'm 17 unstoppable, okay Okay. All right. Oh Arnie. I have a question. Yes, or a point of order or whatever an order of business a new

It's not new or is this still blue sky related. It's still blue sky related. Okay, so we're still blue sky. Yeah What is that? I told also there are no bad ideas when we're blue sky. Oh, they're absolutely are. Oh, right Yes, of course. Let's have you sort of turn us into trolls. That's a bad idea Objectively bad. I could do it though. I know you could but I'm just saying I've just tried to prove already wrong I'll branch so Arnie when someone like say use it or Who's creating this blue sky account when you sort send something from blue sky? Is that still called a tweet? Is that called a? Blue ski what what is that? I hope it's called a blue ski? What? What is that? What do we call? I hope it's called a blue ski or should be called like a bleat

It should definitely start with B, right a blue. Yeah a blue a bop a Blop that I like a blop or where should be called a bong and then you being your bong. Oh I gotta get on blue sky. Let me try it. Let me read bong that shot Can I get you to commit to being on blue sky? Hell yes. So we just have to figure out, here's the thing, blue sky hasn't been around that long. I bet both of your names are already taken.

Why should some perverts? Shit. Oh. Okay, so I'll be Chunt's parentheses not pervert and parentheses. Okay, I'm not sure if I, I honestly don't know if parentheses are part of the names, but I like parentheses. Okay, I'm not sure if I honestly don't know if parentheses are part of the names, but I like it.

Okay. Actually, I'll figure it out. I don't want to commit right now, but yeah. We'll figure it out. Maybe we'll put it in the show notes or. Yeah, we'll make sure you can find it. If you can find blue sky, which is its own problem. We'll have our people look into it.

Yeah, skeet, skeet, skeet. All three of them are gonna look into it. Yep. I'm so glad. Arnie, can I just say I'm so glad we hired those three skeets. Yeah. What are their last names again? One of them is all rich skeet, all rich skeet windows, skeet walls. Yeah. I think those are the three. Alright, so I'm gonna bring the blue sky business to a close. We okay with moving on? Oh, Arnie, we just joined. the blue sky business to a close, are we okay with moving on?

Oh Arnie, we just joined, don't bring it to a close. You know what? I second to close the topic. Sorry, John, it's close. John, it's just a discussion coming. Whoa, okay, okay. We have to do it in a very formal manner during a business meeting.

Business night! Business night! So do either of you have an order of business you'd like to bring to the floor? I, oh, sorry, I was gonna say. you said um, and you sort of, I was gonna say five, but you sort of cleared his throat, which is way more formal than saying um, so let's go ahead and go over to you, Sidor. recent work I've been doing to bring the Wizards impending war to a cessation prior to its actual explosion into a full scale war. Well, the mind doesn't like it, but the body's considering it. I would have to say that I've been trying to think of a way to reverse the mortality

of the Wizards, even though it was I who did smash that gem and say, nay, no longer shall you be immortal. But they've been real dicks since then. So I kind of think maybe if we just gave it back to them, they'd like kind of not be such colossal assholes. I never realized what little bitches wizards could be. Yeah. Okay. Until. All right. Not you.

Oh, thank you. But I'm just, um, I was just surprised I think because you know, I've always held a graffiti in town that says there are no good wizards. Wow. Wow. That seems really targeted to you use it or well I'm the only wizard in town. It's in Yeah, it's in this town. In fact, I see it every town we go to. And now that I think about it, that graffiti is usually like a foot or two off the ground. Okay, shunt. Um, let's I want to strike this from the record. Okay.

What the fuck to go back to your business use the gopher. Go back to your business, Ysidore. Ysidore? He's the gopher. Well, I've been searching through dungeons, seeking tomes and ancient knowledge and scrolls from beyond the beginning of time that even the goddesses themselves are unaware of so that I may find a way to reverse this irreversible magic. Can I? I'm so sorry.

I don't want to slow you down with questions, but... I welcome it. But you will. Even just assuming that there are scrolls from before the beginning of time and that goddesses don't even know about them. Like what hint did you get that they exist? Or are you just like, there's gotta be something

and you're just running around like a maniac? A dog told me. Dog? Yeah. I was going through town, I was talking to this dog and it was standing in front of a wall where it was, it kinda didn't want me to see the wall, I don't know why. And the dog said, don't look at this wall, I'm not writing anything here about wizards. Oh, did you know there are ancient souls, scrolls from before the beginning of time?

And I said, I definitely knew about the souls, because souls have existed for all eternity. The scrolls, however, I did not know of he said, oh, yeah, I check out that dungeon And he kind of like kind of hesitated and he's like the one right outside of town I did not hesitate what that huh? Sorry, I just written this down. I said, what's your name dog? And he said Charles Wow, it seems like a pretty good name. Pretty clever name, actually.

Oh, thank you. I always said if I were a dog, I'd be called Charles. What a coincidence. Well, there are no coincidences. Just shapeshifters and wizards. I thought the saying was there are no coincidences, only small actors.

Thank you so much, Deep Bow. So is there any actionable items on that? Point of order. Well, I I don't know I go back and forth I'm like should I give them their immortality back should I figure out a way to do that? Does that solve the problem or does it only exacerbate the problem and then I think to myself well the whole reason I did it So I just wrote down exacerbate I never reason I did it... What? Sorry. I just wrote down exas-ter-bait. I never realized.

I never realized how funny that word is. Exas-ter-bait? I have some ideas about what exas-ter-baiting might be. But I don't know if I'm comfortable sharing them. In any case, so the other side of the coin is this. Is there gonna be like, oh, am side of the coin is this. Is there gonna be like, am I ever gonna come? Jesus.

I think we've moved on. Okay, sorry. The other side of the coin is this, should we, in our efforts to gain alliances with the various kingdoms and trying to create some peace and stability. Should we actually be trying to auth these fucking wizards? I mean, immortal, it's time maybe just like stick a dagger one of their eyes in the middle of the night or something. Pour some poison in their ear. I don't know.

Maybe we need to get some pieces off of the proverbial chessboard, as they say. Well, they can die now, so if we're ever gonna kill them it should be now. Right! User, I have a question. So say we-who's like a wizard, um, uh, what's a-what's a color wizard that we-we've never met? Just so no one's feelings get hurt. Oh, uh, well I suppose that would be, uh, have we met a lavender? I don't think so. Okay, so, say we kill the lavender wizard, okay. In the

middle of the night, we creep in and we you know, just got him from top to taint. Does the why do we stop at the taint? Great question. Because then it's just pure air, my good man. Unless their legs are closed super tight. So here's the thing. Does food produce another lavender wizard to take that wizard's place? Well, I would think prior to them losing their immortality,

absolutely. Yes. Okay. Now, in the interim where they can die a true death, I suppose that they that the creature, the soul of them that existed before they were forced into this flesh body on this orb we call food, they already existed as angelic beings. I suppose they would just go back to being that angelic being. Okay.

Ooh, quick point of order. Sure. Break. We need a break. Oh, okay. Oh, okay Sure. Break. We need a break. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a good idea. All right, let me grab the gavel and... At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me.

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and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to episodes everywhere on February 18th. Have you ever gotten a message out of the blue? Maybe you ignore them, or maybe you end up in conversation.

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What I'm still peeing I didn't know you'd started. Yes. I've been sitting here the entire time, but I have been peeing most of that time From like the beginning of the episode. No just from the beginning of the break. Okay. I'm not an animal Hey, well objection aside. I'm not an animal. Sorry, Chum. Hey, well, objection aside, I open the floor for new business. Okay, hops down on the floor. I have new business. Oh, okay, Chum, what's your business? Can I get back in my seat?

Share your business. Okay. This is the only time I'm gonna say this. Show us your business. Okay. I second the new business. All right, well, I have two things. Do you want the good business or the new business. All right, well I have two things. Do you want the good business or the bad business?

Ooh, Oni, I think we should start with the bad business. What do you think? Yeah, let's start with the bad business. Okay, the bad business is, I had an idea. Oh, fuck, fuck. We knew this would happen. I know, I know. Take your medicine, gotta take your medicine.

I knew this day would come. I thought at some point, you know, we're about to hit 10 years, at some point, in the next 10 years, I thought it'd be fun if maybe we did an episode that was like a fucking game show or something. Okay. Like a little game show.

Mm-hmm. It just feels like, like maybe a game show at some point, like maybe a little game show. Okay. Do you have a point of order? Who me? Chunt? May I may approach? Oh, yes, you can approach the floor. Do you have a specific idea for a game show? Or is it just generally any sort of game show format? Well, you know, Arnie is always telling us about all these game shows on earth and he's obsessed

with. Is that right? Earth? Yeah, it's Earth. E-A-A-R-T-H-E? I thought it was death. That's evil Earth, I think. Oh, okay. Sorry. You know, Arnie's always talking about, you know, card sharks. And I mean, actually, it's mostly card sharks you're talking about and celebrity jeopardy celebrity jeopardy. You said it should be a thing Or I guess it is a thing. You said pop culture jeopardy should be a thing. Yes That's the joke I meant to make and I said it wrong Well, Arnie, maybe maybe it'll come true. Um, but you know, I was thinking there's one Arnie that you talked about a few times That kind of sparked something in me

And that is a family food. Oh Arnie that you talked about a few times that kind of sparked something in me. And that is a family food. Oh, so you want to do, well on earth it's called family feud, but you want to do like a family feud. Well, yeah. Cause Arnie, you're my cousin. You source our uncle. We're legally family. So now we can finally compete in family food. And then, you know, we get then you know we get you know three other contestants guests etc who maybe have some sort of connection and then we you know try and bring stave Harvey to food and

And have a show okay that might be hard to book But I'm willing to commit to some kind of game show episode, probably family food sometime in the next 10 years. I'm willing to commit to doing it sometime in the next year. Well, that might be too soon. Do you know who'd be a pretty good game show host? Who? Larry Birdman. Oh, yes, yes, yes. I can just see him. We're all lined up ready to do our family food and questions. And he comes up to each one of us and he goes, what do you do darling? And he gives us both a big open mouth kiss. You know, we talk about it much on the podcast, but you sort of does talk about a lot of scenarios where he gets a kiss from Larry Birdman. Hmm. I mean, he's like, should we sometime play spin the bottle with I don't know with Larry Birdman Is a handsome successful guy? I didn't like over explain how the game works and you talk about ideas here

I just yeah, I'm just trying to you know, uh support chun's idea by you know saying something It could be it doesn't have to be late, but I don't have to kiss him on the mouth. It's fine If I if I do it's great I mean i'd be happy to I'd be thrilled to and honestly he'd probably like it Uh, and I think that if you think that's weird, that's on you. I don't, I'm not against it. It's just, I'm noticing it. Okay.

You sort of sweat through his robes. Oh, cool. Like last week we were talking about ideas for charity and you were like, we should do some kind of booth. And then you said like a couple things and then you said, we could do a kissing booth. And I hear Larry Birdman likes booths. He does like booths.

I've heard that. I've heard him say it. He's like, I love going to a fair because you can always find a booth. What a weird word. It is. I felt weird saying it. It's like you hit that second. Oh, and you're like, here we go, baby.

It's all waves from here. I'm riding the wave. And then you hit that th and you're like, oh, my mouth better slow down. Arnie, are you from booth? No, I'm from earth earth earth I wrote down booth booth is not your home then the booth is I'm not from booth Sounds right. Um, okay, so game show So that's the bad business. That's a bad business. The good business is Larry Birdman's coming. Oh Maybe probably at some point. Sorry. Sorry you were saying That's the bad business. That's the bad business. The good business is... Larry Birdman's coming? Oh, maybe.

Probably at some point. Sorry, sorry, you were saying. Go ahead. If nothing else, for the game show, the good business is... And I guess this is good for the Animal Wars, but bad for me. Oh, no. So I guess it should be... Sorry, it's two points of bad business.

Do you remember Magnificent Boris, the moose that's sort of leading the sort of land creatures in the animal war? Yeah. Oh yeah. I remember you mentioning him. Yeah. I might have called... He goes by several names.

Sure. And just to be clear, this is not boob honkin' moose? No, he is a boob honkin' moose. He is also... for listeners who don't subscribe to our patreon shame on you But we're starting up March magic and in the brackets competing this year is boob honk actually several boob honking mooses I think the plural is be honking me be Hinking me be I think You spell everyone look if you want to hear us a boob hon' moose a lot of different ways for a long time,

join the Patreon. Or just run your podcast player back 10 seconds. I think at some point maybe we make a shirt that's like a moose, but where his antlers are are your boobs. Whose boobs? Yours, whoever's wearing the shirt. So it's a moose, but where the antlers are, it's your boobs. Okay.

And it says boop honkin' moose. But then it says, don't do it. I imagine with print on demand technology, that's not impossible. But challenging. But challenging. Okay. Is this just a way for you to get people

to send pictures of their boobs? Okay, so Magnificent Boris, leader of the land army and the animal wars, has reached out to me personally. He sent me a parchment and he requested the ultimate sacrifice earning. Oh, no. And I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I want to do it And I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I want to do it. I don't know if I should do it. And I thought to bring it up and sort of, you know, ask my friends, my council, my family

what I should do. Chunt, you cannot lay down your life for the cause of this animal war. Oh, yeah, he didn't ask that. Oh, that's not the ultimate sacrifice. No, I'm sorry. Look, Chunt, if you have to stop doing the podcast, we don't want that to Oh, that's not the ultimate sacrifice. No, I'm sorry. Look, Sean, if you have to stop doing the podcast, we'll we don't want that to happen, but we'll figure something out. That's not it either. If it's not laying down your life and it's and you're allowed to keep doing the podcast, Trump, what is it?

Well, Magnificent Boris has asked that, you know, I'm a shapeshifter. I think sometimes you forget. You know, I'm a shapeshifter. I think sometimes you forget and I've been You know a whole cadre of different animals a whole cavalcade of creatures So yeah, like a dog that does graffiti all kinds of animals maybe In the way in the past way in the past But they're asking me if I would give up my shape-shifting abilities permanently To show and pledge my allegiance to the land creatures and just become a full-time badger for the rest of my life.

Just be a plain old badger. It's like a thousand, a million deaths for you. For you can no longer experience the myriad world of the animal kingdom. I know, yeah, it's pretty heavy. The price is too high! Oh, that was another game show I thought to have us do. Oh, The Price is Too High? Yeah, Arnie, you said you love that show on Earth.

I do, I do, like, especially... And then you said we should get Chunt Spade or Nutted. Yes. Preferably both, because if you're a shapeshifter. Oh yeah, shit. I prefer neither, but we can revisit that. But yeah, I don't know if I should give up my shapefifteen abilities. How are you feeling about it?

I mean, from my perspective, it doesn't affect me a lot because I mostly think of you as a badger already, but I'm sure... Rude. I gotta keep reminding myself other people aren't me I mean we could unpack that for that's a whole other episode where you figure out how you figure out people aren't just you are we gonna commit to a therapy episode yeah I mean I'd rather do the game show frankly but sure yeah smart what if we gameify therapy ooh finally I'd be lying if I didn't say I tried to win therapy in the past.

But you guys know that I've been trying to stay out of this war. Oh yes. So my first instinct was just to be like, well, let me just burn the parchment and not commit to this and, you know, do my thing. But it sounds like they want to you know sort of take me away for treason if I don't commit because they

said I'm a danger they said since I can be any animal that I have no allegiance and they can only consider me to be the enemy now Chant some follow-up questions if you will allow them I would like to approach the the bench again, okay? Yeah, why don't we all take the podcast to the bench again? Yeah? Yeah, we've fed that duck from here Yeah, we didn't clean up any of this bread. There's soggy bread all over the floor still First of all have any of the other creatures see or air made similar threats Not not that I'm aware of. Okay. Secondly, in your Heart of Hearts, do you have a side that you're on?

Do you see some reason in the animals of the land and the reasons that they fight? From my point of view, and I don't want to color your point of view, it seems sort of like this all got started because the birds and the wizards and all that, but in your heart of hearts. Yeah. If you had to choose a side right now. Okay. And it never doesn't leave this bench. Who would it be? Yeah. I mean, honestly, in my heart of hearts, it would be land. I mean, a badger's what I've become so comfortable with.

And I think it's because I was a badger when I met cousin Arnie, and he's shown such good friendship and loyalty and love for me. And you, sir, you've gotten to love me and be a friend to me and an uncle to me, even more so in my badger shape. So it just feels like my badger shape is you know what I'm most fond of do you ever think it's this is a total sidebar we'll get back to this whole

sidebar let's go to the sidebar you know what we spend too much time ordering from the front bar which is the busiest why don't we spend more time at the sidebar we should go to the sidebar we'll get back to this whole like war and your personal like sorry to interrupt if we're going to the sidebar? We should go to the sidebar. We'll get back to this whole war and your personal... Speaking, I'm sorry to interrupt. If we're going to the sidebar, does anyone want to order a sidecar? I'll take a sidecar. Are you trying to say side cart? Yes, a side cart from the sidebar.

Yeah, that's how I spelled it. Okay. I'll quickly get us three sidecarts. Okay. Now, Chubb, do you ever think about the fact that you and Cousin Ani live together and go on these wacky adventures? And just a few years ago, the two of you were perfect strangers. You know what? It is funny that we're bosom buddies now or tit friends, whatever, whatever he calls it. Feels like, you know, we're all in the family and we're friends and eight is enough and

family eating is enough family matters and we have a family matters tavern guys guys guys the sidebar tender family times for free. Wait, now we do the dance of joy. Die die die die die die die die die die. However it goes. I'm so sorry, you said or I completely interrupted. My sidebar about cousin Arnie's all over now. Chunt, I know that you are torn inside and this turmoil within you must be eating you alive. Is there any way that us as your friends and uncle and cousin can assist you in making this choice or Help you avoid making the choice

I mean just saying it to you too has been a huge relief So thank you for that Yeah, I just I guess I want some insight I I have Three months to the side. So, you know, just let's all think on it and, you know, keep an open dialogue about it and I just need to figure out what to do. Wow. Three months is so fast in Magic Tavern story progression time. That's like a blink of an eye.

You also have to think about the way, you know, I know that you have an electronical emails on it, but here in food we have We have birds that send letters and Teleportation well the birds don't really send letters for everyone nowadays No, no the birds have stopped doing that. So yeah a lot of squirrel mail Yes, and also sometimes now gnomes just walk your email someplace and that takes a long time gnomes are small Generally, yeah They don't walk fast who picked the gnomes for that job. They volunteered which was very nice and

Nice and you never want to say no to a gnome But you know they stopped for their naps in their third lunches and they stopped to gossip with other gnomes And then they have all there's all there's 400 gnome holidays Arnie. There's 400 gnome holidays. I think that's why they did it I think they wanted to be able to read the mail so they'd have more gossip. So mail gets delivered Every seven months, maybe it's pretty slow right now. Yeah with gnomes, but again, there are squirrels, maybe. It's pretty slow right now. Yeah, with nobs. But again, there are squirrels delivering mail.

There's magic. There's other ways. But if you send something through no mail. Yeah, people fly, teleport, whatever. But why would we do mail that way? Yeah. Now, Chunt, has it ever occurred to you to tell them, oh, yes, I'm definitely a badger forever now,

and then just still be a shapeshifter? Oh, yeah, are they definitely a badger forever now and then just still be a shape shifter. Oh, yeah, they're gonna test it or follow up. They said that they'd know if I did that. And that was written in very large letters and underlined and then there's like a drawing of a skull, I think. So I don't know if that means like a skeleton wrote it. Sounds like it hold up in court to me. I sort of read it as them kind of like over emphasizing it that actually leads me to believe it a little less. Oh, well definitely no. It's like why if you're saying it like that. I'm suspicious. Yeah, if they ask you, I would just be like, don't look around shiftily and be like, uh, yeah, I'm definitely a badger.

Smart. That would have been my first instinct. Right. Right. Okay. Well, I just... I'm already... You've got months to figure this out. I just want to say, we'll support you and defend you and be by your side, regardless of what you decide. I appreciate it. Thank you, Arnie.

Thanks, cuz. Ditto. Thanks, Ysidor. Thanks, Onk. And sorry, just for my notes. What... Ditto, that's like, is that a gnome or who? Oh, it's, no, it's that amorphous gnome that can take on the powers of other gnomes.

Yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes. Perfect. He can take on the powers of other gnomes. Do other gnomes have powers? Yeah, you know how if you catch a gnome and put in a little ball, you can then make them fight each other? I, you know how if you catch a gnome and put in a little ball, you can then make them fight each other? I did not know that. It's pretty fun. Sounds cruel. Yeah, it's both.

I guess those things don't have to be mutually exclusive. All right, now, and I want to check in with you on this chat very definitively. Okay. Do you want to keep going with this piece of business or do we wanna clear this business closed for this business meeting? I think we can close it. Okay.

We can close it on business night. Business night. Business night. Let's take a break. Hey, true Crime fans! Ever dreamt of solving cases and pouring over evidence with top podcasters, criminal experts, and your fellow True Crime enthusiasts? Join us for Wondry's Exhibit C inaugural True Crime Cruise aboard the luxurious cruise

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Come for the intrigue. Stay for the sunshine. Go to exhibitseacruise.com to learn more and sign up for the presale. What's up everybody? It's Jason Kelsey and I'm here with my slightly famous little brother Travis aka big yeti Kelsey ladies and gentlemen boys and girls We're here to bring you a next-level entertainment experience with our show new heights where the lump baby reigns supreme We're covering all the hardest hitting topics in order of importance UFO sightings the ideal PB&J combo and trap becoming a big-time Acting star big time becoming a big time acting star. Big time is a big stretch. We've got can't miss A-list interviews though. That's right. And of course, next level access to life inside the NFL and in the booth.

Just because I retired doesn't mean I'm out of the game. Yeah, I mean, the old dad shoes suggest otherwise, but those are the I'm out the game shoes right there. Listen and watch New Heights wherever you get your podcasts. And if you want to listen to us first without any interruptions and get bonus content, join One 3 Plus in the Wondery app, Apple podcasts or Spotify. All right. I have a piece of business I'd like to bring to the floor.

I just want to check in. Pizza business, woo! Alright, now we're talking. Oh, I'd love some pizza. Um, that is a good idea. Yousur, can you magic us some pizzas? Arnie. Yeah?

You know the price, right? Um, what's the price? Of course I can summon a pizza here, but you know who will accompany it. Oh. I'm loathe to cast a spell to bring pizza here and open the gates of pizza hell. Yeah, the Noid.

No, not the Noid, the pizza skull. Oh, that's right. That's the thing about pizza, the curse of pizza, is it always is more expensive than you remember it being? I was like wait, that's the cost of pizza and pizza skull I feel like almost always is kind of it doesn't demand but kind of always insinuates that you should leave One to three percent of your soul as a tip. Mm-hmm. I mean I at the very least I mean he's working hard What if you go to pizza hell to pick it up? Then do you have to

give a percentage of your soul? Like if you're just carrying it out of there? I mean, if they've got a jar there, sure. I guess it depends on what portal you enter pizza hell through. That's the worst is like you go there to pick up your pizza. And you know, the skull behind the counters like tapping the jar that says soul and you're like, ah, you're just handing me the pizza. Yeah, and when a skull taps something, it is not subtle.

No. It's just like. Chipped a tooth. Right. Arnie, sorry, you were saying pizza pizzas. I just wanted to sort of catch up on merch. We've been trying some new things with our merch. Every time we say that should be a shirt.

I can conjure all kinds of other food. Um, hmm. What do you want? Ooh, I'm just, look, I just don't want to accidentally conjure chili skull. The big ice block with a skull in it? Mm-hmm. That sounds almost exactly like pizza skull, only in an ice block. Huh.

Yeah, and we don't want to conjure horndog again. Remember, Arnie, you were talking about on Earth, they have this thing on sticks called horn dogs. Yeah. And you said they're so good, and then we, you conjured a horn dog, and he was a nightmare? Mm-hmm. Oh, was that, maybe that was Charlie. Maybe that was the horn dog the whole time.

Okay, maybe let's hold off on eating. I want to talk about merch. How our shirts are going, how there's, I know, Chuck, you sort of have our merch stats. I'm just curious to see, I know, like we did, um, I don't even remember. That's a shirt. What is, was that one of them? I don't remember what some of the, the limited time slogans that we did were. Okay. Uh, let me see. Okay. I have so much writing. So much writing, I have to keep growing new paws. Just because I keep getting sort of wrist injuries.

Okay, first shirt we have here is only you can prevent drugs. First we had one where Chunt, myself, present, was saying that, and then we had one where Yusudoro was saying that. And how many shirts did we sell of those? In total, we sold 100, okay carry the one, 167. No, 167 my good sir.

167, okay, I mean that's nothing to sneeze at. That's pretty good. What about, what was my first shirt? Your first shirt as far as I can tell was Arnie, that's you. And you were saying there are new shirts available in the merch store. Oof. And how many did that sell? 14.

Now, that one's not available anymore, right? None of these are available. Yeah, those are not, and you know what? I know those 14 of you, you've got a rare item that almost no one has. I mean, should we bring it back? Because technically, it's always true. Well, wait, some of my other ones must have sold well, like, what are some of the other ones that were for me? Okay, we have

Arnie, that's you saying a watched tree never dies. Oh, that's not good. 13 soul 13! They're getting worse. Well it sounds like the 40 people who bought their new shirts available in the merch store, sounds like at least 13 of them bought this, but we lost one customer. Yeah, one person. One person wised up.

Not gonna fool me again. Oh, Arnie, wait, wait a minute. We also have ButtassBigDonger. Oh no. You, Arnie, saying that, that's you. And 30 sold. 30? Okay. All right. You have butt-ass big donger. Oh, you are nice saying that it's you and 30 so 30 yeah Alright, I mean you have to imagine

That's a pretty good number for a shirt that says butt-ass big donger Very specific person pretty good for a shirt you can barely wear in the privacy of your own home Just in case someone comes to the door, right? Exactly, exactly 30 people that want a shirt with my picture on it so much So much that they're willing to get it even though it says but ass big donger And sure some part of your brain is gonna say like well, I can wear it while I'm doing laundry But you know you have to walk outside to the river take your clothes to the water beat against the rock You're gonna see somebody do you think you're safe wearing your butt-ass big-donger shirt, but you're you then you forget you're wearing it

Yeah, yeah, so here's what I'm gonna do. I just guys I gotta bring up my stats my my personal stats I don't even really care how much money we make on these which is not much I just am falling so far behind your guys's shirts so I am going to go to a classic and Starting now for a limited time the Arnie shirt is gonna say different things mean different things. Oh Yeah Arnie at some point in the next ten years may I also suggest one of my favorite Phrases you've ever uttered which is tomorrow salad

No, that's also good. It's a pretty good one, which is for now. I'm gonna do different things mean different things smart Yeah, but keep your eyes out for that tomorrow salad shirt. Mm-hmm. And would you guys consider? Like I don't want to like come up with your ideas for you. Yeah, but would either of you consider a shirt that says like, please buy Arnie shirt or something like that? We could do. Yeah, maybe we do a chunt shirt that says please buy Arnie shirt and then a use of our shirt that says please see chunts shirt about buying Arnie shirt.

If all that text doesn't fit, what if we have the Chunt shirt say, please buy Arnie's shirt, and the Usador shirt say, butt-ass big donger? Now here's the thing though, Arnie. I think when inevitably one of our listeners who's wearing an Arnie butt-ass big donger shirt meets and marries another listener

who's wearing a Usador butt-ass big donger shirt, won't there be mass confusion? That was the first thing I was worried about. You got your butt-ass in my big donger. Think about it this way though. If you are wearing the Arnie butt-ass big donger shirt out in the world and you run into someone with a Usador butt-ass big donger shirt.

If I only had the confidence to do that. You know you need to get married. Like you literally, there's no better sign that you should marry a person. What if you're already married? No, you would buy that shirt if you were married. Wow. That shirt equals divorce.

We should have a shirt that's Ysidor, and he's saying, if you're wearing this shirt, you're definitely not married. All right, let's be, I'm gonna close down the merch talk, but let's be very clear about what we're doing. My shirt is going to say different things mean different things. No pressure. Both of you can either keep the shirts that you currently have in the merch store, or if there's something you want to change it, let's clearly defined it right

now. Okay, I would like my shirt to say by Arnie's shirt imbecile. Okay, that's good. That's good And I'm kind of debating between by Arnie shirt, baby There's something along those lines or finally kind of sneaking in blood farts I feel like blood farts is due for a comeback. Yeah I'm not sure why the two of you are so determined to have people not wear these shirts. I Thought we were doing like a throwaway round. I love that this idea could make us money, but it kind of never will. Just because we're not

doing this on purpose. We just can't help it. Arnie, here's something I noticed is that if you go to the T-Public our where our shirts are That you can get those designs as something else. They can almost magic that design on onto other items So what I saw recently is that you can actually make stickers with us saying whatever it is. So What people could do is buy some butt-ass big-donger. Are they that's the thing about the butt-ass big-donger. That's a thing Oh, it's the magic of this is that it doesn't exist anymore It's all been replaced by some other bullshit shirt Well, they could buy a similar design by stickers of that design and then put those stickers on something of their enemies like their enemies

Or their enemies pet or their enemies I don't know books just so the next time enemies big donger or their enemies big donger and now we get why your Enemies with them is because they have a butt-ass big donger. Mm-hmm So keep that in mind that there's other stuff you can if you don't want to wear a shirt Totally understandable. It's not just shirts. It's more than shirts, right coffee mugs Yeah aprons, I assume Wow Arnie discuss No, this is legally by a branch. I have no idea what the things are. Is that a new catchphrase? None of these things are legally binding. No a aprons I assume

That's my new detective series aprons, I assume. Okay. All right. I'm closing down the merch business. Oh, let's play our Closing up the merch bag song. Okay, do we do that? Do we have a closing up the merch bag song the only way we'll know that's awesome to the episode All right. I don't know if you guys have stuff. I have one more piece of business Another email I would love to answer you can again you can email us at magic tavern a puppies that supplies It's a real email address or join the Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern. And you can, we're currently running March Magic, which is very fun.

But here's the email. Hey boys, I'm on my second round of listening to your podcast. I like your podcast so much that I'm thinking of getting a tattoo of maybe a badger with a crown or of a blue wizard eating some salsa. If there's any other ideas you all could give me, let me know.

Peace and love from New Hampshire. Yours truly, Lord of the Lemons. Whoa, wow. That's awesome. One, that they're such a committed fan and that two, that they're in New Hampshire. Yeah, I don't really know what the story with Old Hampshire is.

I assume it's a pork town. I assume it's like a... Oh, Hampshire. All pigs. Yeah, Hampshire. What if they got a tattoo and it's Ysidor eating salsa, but there's a badger in his salsa? And his face is kind of like, who put badger in my salsa?

And then we pan to the... And this is a tattoo that pans and then we have a pan to the back and it's Arnie in an apron there You're you know assume your you catchphrase aprons I assume in an apron and he's got a look on his face like oh shit I accidentally made salsa, but I put chunt in the salsa. It's Chunty salsa What if it's exactly all of that, but there's a word balloon that says, buy Arnie shirt.

So it's, okay, so it's a big bowl of Chunty Salsa, which is salsa with big chunks of chunta. So I think in the background, you'd have to have jars of salsa that clearly say mild, hot, and Chunty, to help sell this. But go ahead. Okay, and then Ysor's got, you know,

he's trying to eat the salsa, but chunts in it, so that's kind of fun. And then Ysor is saying, sort of proclaiming in frustration, buy Arnie's shirts. And how much are we paying this person to get that tattoo? Nothing. In fact, we should probably consider a cease and desist letter. Maybe we should simplify it a little bit.

Okay. How about instead they just get Arnie's social security number? Arnie, go. Okay. Um, 888-6300-Empire. Wait a minute. Guys, look, I had an ulterior motive for bringing up the tattoo email should we get tattoos like the show is coming up on ten years Wow yeah yeah I do a tattoo

like if we can all agree on something like we could all get tattoos that say Lord of the lemons Lord of the lemons that's the person that sent the email I wasn't listening I have to be honest. I Hope that we can commemorate this ten years together without somehow Causing such permanent damage to our own bodies But maybe the Raven with the microphone, I don't know. Oh, yeah, where would we where we each get it like neck or face? Face what do you want to do it or not? We could get lava hate tattoos on our knuckles the two diametrically opposed forces of the universe Lava and hate we could get a my other cart is the fifth festus horse and food tattoo

Mm-hmm. What if like I got a tattoo of usador? Mm-hmm usador got a tattoo of Ch What if like I got a tattoo of Yusador? Mm-hmm. Yusador got a tattoo of Chunt, and Chunt got a tattoo of me. Or some version of that. I think that's the only way that's gonna work. But Chunt, can't you shape shift a tattoo away? Oh yeah, I can.

So I guess it means less that I'm so eager to do this. Mm-hmm. Unless. I can just magic mine away. Yeah, let's get it. You've magic to waste so many tattoos in episodes before Well, if we get the bird with the mic, maybe I'll just magic away the mic Magic Mike. Yeah, take off my fur. Could you but could you get rid of that magic mic? Even if it was XXL? Um, I think so. Hmm. That's I yeah, I think so seems like quite a gambit one day one day

Guys, is it possible? This episode has gone on too long no oh wait no let me check the minutes. Oh, yeah shit I spelled too many minutes. I put my newts My newts instead of minutes. I wrote my newts at the very top So you told me to keep minutes and I kept my newts just fix it Just just cross that out and write mi n space. I T s SPAC does that mean it's any me messages that say send newts Yeah, I don't think because remember you told me you're like, do you know what a ute is and I was like I don't know and you're like, do you know what a ute is? And I was like, I don't know. And you're like, ute guys.

These two utes. Yeah, you're right. I mean, now that you're my cousin, I feel like you're teaching me a lot of newling. Yeah. I mean, I think these are all jokes we've made before. So definitely this episode has gone on too long. Is it possible that this whole episode from start to finish are things we've said before? I mean, there's got gotta be a high percentage.

Pretty, I'd say like 52%. Wait, let me check the previous minute. There's a big stack of them here. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I don't know, order of business, my magic tavern, I object.

I've definitely said that. I don't know, point of order, pizza, pizza hell tips. Mm-hmm. Yeah, we've done this word for word exact episode before uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh sense. Dear listener, if you've heard this exact episode before, just know that there's always intended to be a Retro Monday here on Hello from the Magic Tavern. Wah wah wah. Wow. I try not to take these audio transmissions personally, when I listen to them, which is never, but this episode seems specifically designed to anger me, bringing us to the new shirts available

in the Magic Tavern T public store. Namely, Arnie saying different things mean different things, Yuzuro saying buy Arnie's shirt, and Chunt saying blood farts. To think, this is the same audio medium that Rachel Maddow uses. Again, Chunt's shirt features him saying, blood farts. Get it now before you really become aware of what you're doing. Link to the store in the show notes. Usado the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

You can now follow Usadoor on BlueSky at Usadoor. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. You can follow Chunt on BlueSky at Chunt. That's 6 Ts. Links to both those BlueSky accounts and the official Magic Tavern BlueSky account all in the show notes. Your one-stop shop for things I don't want to further explain here. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the latest bonus episode where Arnie, Ysidor, and Chunt put together their yearly March Magic Bracket. Not the like country automatons. Yes. The automatonies.

Yes, yes. Of course, Arnie, the automatonies. And that's who I'm nominating is automatani. Oh. Atomatani the automaton townie. We've got to look, whatever happens, we got to have a ton of tawny, the automaton townie on the podcast this year. Arnie, if we don't have a automaton the automaton townie,

I think we should be in timeout. Look, I make a sacred promise that this year we're gonna have a automaton the automaton townie who sounds a little bit like Tawny Newsome. Who? Who? Just an earth celebrity on the podcast. And look, I know I've made sacred promises before. You have.

You have made a sacred promise to have Pom Pom Bom Bom, the cloud who lives in a suit of armor on the show. I haven't gotten around to that yet. But I said in season five, and we still have at least seven years of season five left to go. Stop, stop, stop, enough to hear the rest and vote on which hastily made-up Magic user is better than the others, all throughout the month of March, join the Patreon at patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate Producer, Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Anna Haverman. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. I thought that business night went pretty well. Business night? It was fun, business night.

Yeah, definitely. Hey there, hey there, can I be on next week now? Oh, Arnie careful with that. I'm not a frog. No. I used to be a prince. Yeah, I just don't buy it. Just because a frog has a top hat doesn't mean you used to be a prince. The top hat's a totally different story.

What was your, um, Arnie watch this. What was your kingdom? What was your kingdom called? Uh... He's looking around. Frog... kingdom... You looked in that mirror. Wait, don't walk away from me. What was the hat story? I bought it. Ugh.

Not much of a story. Huh. What are your parents' names? Uh... Frog and Frogina. Okay, that actually checks out Arnie. He might be a prince. He might be a good guest. What are your parents' names? Uh, Frog and Frogina. Okay, that actually checks out Arnie. He might be a prince.

He might be a good guest. Um, so just by interviewing you, you'll turn back into your normal shape? Definitely not. I have to get married and raise three children to full adulthood before I'll change back. Oh boy, Arnie, I think I'm gonna marry this frog. Is that okay? I'm just grateful and here's the thing, I was really worried this was gonna lead

to the frog saying it can only be changed by a kiss from Larry Birdman. Oh, oh the frog perked up. I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. You came out of use at all, right? Uh, no, uh, look, I didn't say who I had to marry or kiss openly on the mouth, but it could be anybody. But Larry Birdman would definitely work. Wait a minute. Frog with a top hat that's pointy, big blue robes on the frog, big beard, bird shit on the frog. All right, fuck off.

Both of you. I just go get something to drink. A few miles from the glass spires of Midtown Atlanta lies the South River Forest. In 2021 and 2022, the woods became a home to activists from all over the country who gathered to stop the nearby construction of a massive new police training facility nicknamed Cop City. At approximately nine o'clock this morning, as law enforcement was moving through various sectors

of the property, an individual without warning shot a Georgia State Patrol trooper. This is We Came to the Forest, a story about resistance, The abolitionist mission isn't done until every prison is empty and shut down. love and fellowship, It was probably the happiest I've ever been in my life. and the lengths we'll go to protect the things we hold closest to our hearts. Follow We Came to the Forest on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of We Came to the Forest early and ad-free right now by joining

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