Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 44 - Coach (w/ Rekha Shankar)

Episode Date: February 17, 2025

Coach Broth talks about the joys and challenges of coaching centaur basketball.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCoach Broth Moonwalker: Rekha ShankarMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. But the sun is up, the coffee is brewing, downtown is bustling, dinner is on the table, the stars are in the sky, you're in bed and whoops you forgot to listen to the podcast. You'll get it tomorrow. Once again the sun is up, the coffee is reflecting the full moon in the night sky and damn it, it happened again. One more try. You wake up, you've gotten permanent instructions tattooed on both your palms, headphones are duct taped to your face,

and finally you have no choice but to sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Darnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before this is everything you need to know Nine years ago and 11 months. I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical Fantastical land of food luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift and I use it to upload a podcast Through the dimensional rift and I use it to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land Of phone and I'm joined as always by my co-host Chunt the talking badger cuz buzz or something cuz Cuz I'm old that's yeah cuz cousin. I don't know. You know, sometimes I call you friend

Sometimes I call you cousin. I because we're both I know yeah, it's so weird to be friend and family Yeah, I mean usually it's family and enemies Yes friends and lovers, but I don't know what the other combinations are lovers and enemies Coworkers and doctors. Okay. Yes clowns and kissing Oh Okay, yes clowns and kissing Kissing cloddies and pharmacists. Okay. What are the other big ones and those are all big ones already?

Big ones you know to be clear you said those in order of how common they are. Yes. Yes. Yes Yes in reverse common order because the most common is fuck buddies and pharmacists, is that what you said? Arnie, I have to keep telling you this, I guess. Anytime someone lists something in terms of commonality, or how common it is, or how widespread it is, it starts from the bottom and goes to the top. Yeah, we started at the bottom, now we're here. Like that alphabet man used to do.

What alphabet man? The alphabet man who would count up and tell these hilarious lists. He would go from town to town saying, these are the top 10 things. I'm alphabet man and here is my top 10. Yeah, he'd have those cards, he'd sit at a desk. Arnie, alphabet man.

Okay, it took me a minute, but I think I'm remembering alphabet man. Absolutely. And you just heard his voice, but I think I'm remembering Alphabet Man. Absolutely. And you just heard his voice, but I'm also joined by my other co-host, Usador the Wizard. I am Usador, wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ophesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarrakas. The elves know me as Fianyalek, the dwarves know me as Zonin and Hoogstengis, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maestar.

And I have secret names, names I shall ne'er dare to utter aloud. For if I were to do so, most assuredly, my enemies' hearts would churn to birds, and the birds would peck through their very chests, ripping out sinew and bone and rib as they did fly away into the sky. What a horrible way to die. Yeah, that's why I don't see it. Sure, absolutely.

You know, Sean, you sort of, would either of you like something to drink? I'd love something to drink, sure. What do you want? You're offering to get us a drink? Yeah. Like get up and walk to the other side of the room? Yeah, just to the barn back.

This is wildly out of character. Oh my god. Pull a knife on him. Oh my gosh, who are you? Who are you? No, it's me, it's Arnie. Prove, say something only Arnie would know. Greatest warrior in all of food,

I'm from another world. What's next? He said what's next, it is him. Sorry buddy, sorry cuz. Well I would love an ale, but I'm loathe to believe you're willing to get up and fetch it for us. Yeah I think, how to play this. I think Arnie, since Ysidor and I have gotten the last, let me pull up my notepad.

Since Ysidor and I have gotten the last, let me pull out my notepad, since Usador and I have gotten the last 4,268 rounds, I might use this opportunity to get some liquid beef. Liquid beef, okay. Yes, the most expensive drink. Oh, that sounds good. Can I also have a liquid beef? Fine. Two liquid beefs.

All right, and I will get up and walk to the bar. If the bartender's confused, just to ask for a Laqueef. I've already walked away, didn't hear you. How you doing, big guy? I'm doing wonderfully, Chunt, how art thou? Pretty good, pretty good. Now, I must ask, while Arnie is gone, what are we going to get him for his birthday?

Oh, I know. I know it was a couple months ago, but I can't wait until 10 months from now. I know he's always not saying how much he likes Limerick, so that makes me think he does like them and he doesn't want to be too obvious, so I think a Limerick might be fun. Okay, did you have one in mind?

No, not that I can say on Mike. He's way before What about you any thoughts any? Dabbling there once was a man from dag nabbit. Oh, sorry about a itty gift at all. Oh other gifts. Oh, sorry Sorry, I Telling secrets, I'm okay here. I am I'm back A brewery is your meat juice. You know, what I mean, I'm back. A broom. Here is your meat juice. And here is your meat juice. Oh, meat juice? What'd you order?

Arnie, buddy, I wanted liquid beef. Liquid beef, oh, okay. If it's not liquid beef, it's imitation. I'm sorry, I guess I was wondering why this meat juice was so inexpensive. That's their slogan, they've been painting it on birds everywhere. Birds, nature's billboards, huh?

Look guys, I gotta be honest. There's a reason why I'm walking a little bit more than usual. My phone has a little bit of access to Earth WiFi and I've been doing a new app. It's kind of hard to explain where I track my steps, but to make it fun, it's as if I am walking to Mordor, which is... Oh, God. What's that?

I don't even. So in my world, there's a series of books that were eventually turned into a series of movies and set in a fantasy world where the hero has to walk up Ring of Power to a horrible place called Mordor to have it destroyed. I must have this ring. Mordor, is that like Usador? Is that any relation?

Mordor and Usador, that's true, they do sound similar. That sort of makes me suspect Usador for the first time ever. What? But I am a champion for the forces of righteousness. Well, anyway, I'm using this app to kind of get my steps and it's like, how long is it gonna take me to get to Mordor? And again, this is not a sponsorship or anything like that.

I'm not gonna say the name of the app, there are several of them. I'm not gonna say, some of them are bad, some of them are probably fine. So don't worry about it. But anyway, I am trying to walk to Mordor, tracking my steps. Ernie, this might be stupid, I'm sorry if it is.

Couldn't you just have like a big bird take your phone and drop it off at Mordor? Like, wouldn't that just cut out the middle man? I guess so. I have a different follow-up question, and it is this. I have asked you for nearly a decade now to go on many different quests and adventures, and you always turned me down, and now you want to go on some pretend adventure?

Look. Do you imagine how many steps you could have gotten if we had gone to fight the dragon of Wathathal together? Yeah, but I would prefer to have an adventure on my phone. Does that make sense? No. Oh, fuck! Like, I don't want to have a real adventure. I want to have an adventure on my phone. What make sense no oh like i don't want to have a real adventure i want to have an adventure on my phone what chance are you okay ball just hit me in the

fucking face oh my nose is broken what is this yeah that was so hard let me hit your face with this healing rock oh oh thank you thank you oh who who threw that who threw that ball Thank you. Thank you. Oh who threw that who threw that ball? That would be me. Oh Hello Welcome, please join us at the table. It's our guest here. Please have a seat. Oh, yeah Get off your horse and go ahead and have a seat This is part of the package my friend. Oh, that was very rude. Oh Shit that plant was so well placed. I'm I, you're a centaur, I'm so sorry.

I thought you were a guy and a horse. Hey, it's okay, you look pretty crazy. So anyway, I threw that ball over here because I was talking to the bartender, I said, you know, I can't find anybody for my new league of basketball players. Oh, basketball? You heard of basketball? I have, basketball is a sport back,

I'm from another world, basketball is a sport on my world. And what's your name? My name is Arnie. Hi Arnie. God, by the way, I'm Coach Barath Moonwalker, and that's interesting you have basketball in your world because I'm kind of revolutionizing the damn thing over here.

Oh. What's your basketball like? Well, in my world, if this makes any sense, basketball is a sport coached by your dad. And your dad spends his whole career coaching basketball and so everyone asks you like, hey, are you good at basketball? And you have to be like, no, not really. But that's okay.

It's a family game. Family game. Is that similar to how basketball works on this world? Well, I wouldn't say that anybody on my team is related to me, but we're a family in the metaphorical sense, you know? You know,-wise. It's two groups, five players, you know, each side's trying to get the ball to the other person's hoop, and if they do, they all get a little pizza party afterwards. That's basketball. Holy shit. So two groups, five players, so two and two, and then, I hate to ask it, does

one person have to like bisect themselves? You know, it's interesting because everybody on the team is already a centaur, so what it is is it's actually, if you want to be technical, it's three centaurs and three centaurs. Or no, what? It's... And are they all playing centaur? They're all power centaur, centaur, small centaur.

Point centaur. Chuck, you're being so forward. You're being so forward. Hey, that's your name, okay. Oh, I hate to tell you, kid, you don't got it. I thought from over there, I do apologize. Hey, John, that's your name. Okay, well I hate to tell you kid, you don't got it. I thought from over there, I was talking to the bartender, I was like, I think that kid over there's got it. You know?

That's why you threw me a chess pass. I gotta say, this ball has the density of a dead star. Oh, it better. My boys are strong. If they, you know, we've tried, we've tried some of the lighter balls on my boys. They throw it in the space. It's crazy. Wow. They're too strong. If they, you know, we've tried, we've tried some of the lighter balls on my boys, they throw it in the space. It's crazy. Wow.

They're too strong. Huh, yeah. Yeah. That's a terrible way to lose balls. If you're throwing them all into space, I imagine their games can never be completed because there are five centaurs staring, looking at the five other centaurs,

waiting for a ball to reappear. Oh, it's brutal. Now I gotta say, and I'm no expert on basketball, and it's impressive that they have the strength to throw it up into space, but is it also possible they're throwing the ball too much directly up and not at an angle, like to get it in the hoop? Well, Arnie, hence the reason I am drinking tonight, okay?

My team ain't no good. Arnie, hence the reason I am drinking tonight, okay? My team ain't no good. They practice and boy do they have a lot of heart, but man, these kids, I cannot whip them into shape. And I have to imagine, from what I know of Centaur culture, that they get the ball in their hand and they look at it longingly through their beautiful mystical eyes and they say, the moon, I hold the very globe of the moon in my hand

and I throw it towards the moon because they are so reverent for the moon. Sometimes you hate when a stereotype is true and yet it is. I cannot stop these boys from making odes to the moon on the court. They're waxing poetic, they're waning poetic, they're doing everything they can about the moon.

And I'm like, boys, boys, focus on the hoop. One time, man, this was when we were trying to get to regionals last year, I had a guy paint the moon, a beautiful replica of our moon, onto the backboard of the hoop. Ooh. Boys, boys, focus over there. They're focusing on their own hoop.

They each scored on their own hoop. I said, this doesn't count, this isn't a game. Yeah, right. How old are your players, if you don't mind my asking? So, in, I don't mind my asking? so in I Don't know what kind of years you guys use in centaur years. They're all between 400 or 450 so they're almost they're pretty young Pretty short lifespan for the sport unfortunately, that's why I don't play myself

I don't know in Earth years or Earthling, kind of whatever place you're from years, it might be like 19. Oh, okay, wow, I feel like that's pretty accurate. I mean, I don't know, I'm not good at math, but that sounds about right. Hey, me either, I apparently can't count how many of these boys are on my team,

but I do know that they eat like crazy. Arnie, did you know that there are 40 centaur years in every single calendar year? I didn't know that. Wow. That's true, yeah. Coach Broth, I see you have like a chain around your neck with like a big pan flute. Is that so you can like, you know,

during practices and stuff, sort of get their attention and call plays and stuff? Yeah, so normally when you, you know, my cousin coaches a bunch of halflings, I got an uncle who coaches a bunch of, you know, little elves and stuff. Everybody's got their own way to call their boys. My boys need a pan flute, you know,

and I wish it was kind of a Pied Piper thing where they'd follow me, but they start to listen to the music and they get enraptured But it's the only way to get them all to at least stop and and look at me, you know It's hard. It's hard. How do you wrangle teenage boys? Tell me about it. You know you've done this. Yeah, I trained a dog to wrangle teenage boys, but they ate the dog The appetite is sort of unbelievable. Yeah, they're so hungry. They are so hungry.

My poor wife, she's filling up. Oh, you grabbed the mic real close there when you said my poor wife. My poor wife. My poor wife, she's rustling up, I don't know, four refrigerators full of steak for these boys per night, per game. They blow through it.

They need the protein. Sugar cubes. I'm sorry, Ani, have we told you about refrigerators? So sorry if you haven't heard about refrigerators. No, I don't think I have heard about refrigerators. What about your alligators that swallow ice and then. Yeah, you just keep your alligator really cold and you can keep your food in it.

Okay. And what's great is you're ever expanding. I mean, very rarely are you gonna burst the belly of a refrigerator. Coach, coach. And it's easy to say, that's what we love about it. Coach Roth. Refridge game. What? Are you drunk?

Hello, my team is bad. I've had two grogs. I'm allowed two grogs. That's fair. Coach, maybe we've seen the posters for your team around. What team do you coach in the league? I coach the gates. You know the gates, the golden gates? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, you probably haven't really seen Golden Gate? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, you probably haven't really seen them on some posters or if you have, they're underneath another poster. Because, you know, we're losing to the Colts,

we're losing to the Dark Horses, we're losing to the Dressages. Centaur Heels. The Centaur Heels, okay, let's go, okay. The 76 Horses. The 76 horses. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. We're losing to the bull horses, yeah.

I imagine an all centaur league of basketball players would be quite upset about being called the 76 horses since centaurs are so famously not horses. To me, I think it's offensive. I think they need to change the name. But they say, what, it's history. And I say, that's not right. That's not right.

You don't know the culture. Is it common for there to be a sport in Foon where the name of every team is offensive? Like the mascot of every team is offensive to the players. You're saying is that possible? I'm just saying, is it common? It sounds like that's what's happening with basketball. With basketball, I think spite is a huge part of the sport. Unfortunately, it has become a huge part of it.

So you you get drafted to a team called, you know, what is your what is your species? What are you? I'm a human. So, okay, so let's say you get drafted to the Astral Humans. Okay? That's kinda pissing you off, isn't it? I see it. Yeah, but it's not pissing me off

as much as what at first I thought you were gonna call me. The Astral Humans. What'd you think I was gonna say when I said Astral Humans? First I thought you said I get drafted to the asshole humans team. Okay, even better if that's where you're from you're from asshole So if you get drafted to the asshole humans It's gonna piss you off right maybe piss you off so bad You're gonna try to play so good that you get that you yeah, you leave your coach who might have named that team Yeah, you know, but unfortunately, you're just gonna go to another team

with a terrible name too, so. Yeah. It's the sport needs to be worked on. Yeah. Arnie, you said you were from Ohio. That's like the asshole of your world, right? I mean. Ohio.

Look, it's better than Indiana. That's what I'll say. Indiana. That's a beautiful name. Indiana. Beautiful name than Indiana. That's what I'll say. Indiana. What a beautiful name. Indiana. Beautiful name. Ah, Indiana. And Coach, Coach Broth, I gotta say,

I agree with you with like, in the olden days, there was a lot wrong with the game. I remember there was a Ernie, very, very tall centaur named Wilt Chambermaid, and he was mostly playing against like janitors and blacksmiths and stuff like that where it's like this game was their side side job, you know but I feel like nowadays there's enough money in the sport where people can really focus on it and You know have enough money for you know home family food

It's a great living if you can get there. It's a terrible living if you're a guy like me that puts all his time and effort into a bunch of boys who don't wanna make it work, you know? I coulda had the opportunity. Man. Do you know Michael Jor-horse? Oh, we all know Michael Jor-Horse

Basketball player you don't forget a name like Michael Jor-Horse man, I Had an opportunity. I was walking by a basketball court one day and I dropped all of my groceries on the floor There's stuff rolling around everywhere and I'm kneeling down to pick it up and I see a young Michael Jorahorse. Dude, the most beautiful slam dunk. A slam dunk is when you jump from all the way across the court to slam the ball into the other hoop.

It's miraculous, it's beautiful. And it looked so good. I hadn't believed in myself as a coach at that point. I thought I can't be a coach I'm probably just gonna be crunching numbers in the back. You know, that's what my degrees in crunching numbers and You know, so I didn't see I didn't go up to him I wanted to be like would you want to work with me? Would you want to train one-on-one? Became the best guy in the league. Wow amazing good old number 232 guy in the league. Wow. Amazing. Good old number 233,323.

Wow. It's the one that got away. Although it can fit on a jersey on a centaur because there's just a lot more body. Centaurs have big jerseys, that's true. Do you remember his hoof game where he had an injured hoof? And man oh man. I think I've heard of Michael Jorhorst, but I always thought he played mittens.

Yeah, he tried to play mittens for a couple seasons. He was okay. And people say, I'm not trying to beat the town gossip or whatever, but people say he did that to cover up some kind of untoward business he was doing where he had to leave basketball. I don't know. Yeah, they said his dad might have gotten into a,

you know, some sort of dealings with a warlock or something. I don't know, I don't know. Yeah. Coach Roth, you were telling Arnie about the shoe game. Oh, the hoof game, oh my God. This was unbelievable. Some people call it the horse shoe game, but yes, it was a hoof game.

A horse shoe game honestly sounds better. Yeah. Arnie, it was a whole shoe game honestly sounds better. Yeah Arnie this was unbelievable. You wouldn't know this but sports can be really important to people here, you know and People can really build an identity around it. And there's just one game. It was a championship game and the night before Michael Jorhors had some, what was it, a freakin' gruel delivered to his door. And people said- I wasn't a freakin' gruel. Has anyone else eaten at freakin' gruel?

Freakin' gruel got a lot of flack after what happened, what abouts about to happen. So he ordered from freakin' gruel, he got their mess plate, and he was diggin' in. He's a big guy. I already told you what these boys are eat. This is a big centaur man and He gets so sick. He slips and falls and cracks his hoof Okay, terrible terrible

Ernie this is the finals against the Utah Jizz the you tall jizz Again, just an offensive sounding name, like an insulting name. Artie, you should see their mascot. It's horrible. It's disgusting. You don't want to know. I certainly won't explain it in graphic detail. That would be quite upsetting. No one wants to think about it in graphic detail right now. So anyway, the next day, what do you think this guy does? You think he sits in his bed, kind of licking his paws, crying, saying, I'm not going to

play? No. No. He charges onto the court with a broken hoof and he scores 82 slam dunks in a row. Wow. In a row. Incredible. In a row. In a row. Wow, incredible. In a row. Like in a row. In a row.

Is unbelievable. The craziest part about it was the referee had to keep putting up new hoops so he could just keep doing it. In a row, okay, I don't even fully understand what in a row means. The other team never got the ball. Oh, okay, okay.

They never got the ball. Oh, you said your dad coached basketball and you don't know about 82 slam dunks in a row? We'll explain it during the break. Artie, we have to take a quick break. Coach, I'll get you a grog. Thank you. No, no, wait, I'll do the steps.

I got the steps. What's up, guys? It's your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you it's too good and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest. Every episode I bring on a friend and have a real conversation. And I don't mean just friends, I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on. And now I have my own YouTube channel.

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Well, I've been doing it for about 42 days and I've gone about 87 miles. Oh wow. Coach, how is your drink tasty? Is that sufficient? It's good. It's good. I mean, you know, I try not to drink when I'm too depressed so that doesn't amplify my depression, but I think today I need it

Do you mind if I I'm just it's so cool to have a sorry coach here Do you mind if I ask have you thought about like this offseason any any trades happening or? Any drafts coming up? This is probably my number one problem as a coach I'll never trade any of my boys Really What if they get her so hurt that they can't play put up sticks in their place While they recover, I just can't players that have been injured they You send them upstate for a farm league. You said they're on a farm league upstate? They're on a farm league, if they get too sick, yeah.

May I make a suggestion? Yeah. If one of your players gets too sick, there's no rule saying that a dog can't play centaur basketball. There's no rule that says a dog can't play centaur basketball? That's right, so I would just put a dog in there

and maybe put like a horse mask on it or something, I don't know. Well, the horse mask would make it a reverse centaur. Yeah, a horse mask. I would have to put a mask of say, your face on it. My face? Yeah, otherwise it's a tarsen. And Coach, I gotta say, if you do get that dog,

don't train it to corral teenagers, because again, they'll eat it. It doesn't work? They'll eat it yeah they will eat that dog see these kids drive me crazy but I love them I love them and I'll never trade them I'll never trade them one of them could freaking kill me I would never trade my boys the other coaches in the league are constantly trading their boys but I just can't do it to them. I can't, I won't draft anybody.

Coach, I have to ask, your wife, you mentioned that you were married. How does she feel about your career choices and your unwillingness to trade away your boys? And I'm sorry, what was your wife's name? Meredith. Meredith, okay. Oh, and Coach grabbed the mic again

and is sort of pacing back and forth while he talks about his wife. I just love her so much. She's the apple of my eye, the sugar cube of my life. She just is a wonderful gal and she supports me. She makes steaks for all my boys. She restitches all my jackets I rip

because I'm too upset after the games. She's just the most supportive wife she could be. After the games you rip up your shirts? All my jackets and my shirts get ripped up because I get so mad. I get so mad at my boys, but I love them. Are you one of those coaches who throws your whole stable onto the court?

My God, I've done that once or twice in my early days. I've learned to control the anger through kind of stomping and hoofing around and spitting and stuff and ripping my jacket. Oh yeah. But yeah, I've definitely thrown a stable or two in my early days. Sure, yeah.

So Coach Broth, you said that you would never let your boys go, but like what? Never, I'm never letting them go. What if one of them decides they don't want to play basketball anymore? Like can they go of their own volition? Oh! I guess if one of my boys wanted to divorce

the sport entirely, I would let him go. But I'd of course say why, you know? Was it me? Did I hold on too tight? Was I not good enough? Are you leaving me for another coach? If you put three or 400 centaur years in on these boys, at least they could give you some sort of explanation.

I think that's fair. Yeah, and I'm praying none of them do it. None of them have done it yet, but you know, I wanna be a good coach, so I guess if they really wanna leave to do something crazy like mittens or whatever, then I would let them. I'd be broken to bits about it, but I'd let them. Do you know something?

Is that why you're asking? I was just thinking from my experience, I played a little bit of basketball when I was in junior high. Okay, wait, catch this. Again, I was not good. All right, you're not, yeah, you're not good. Okay, continue.

But what if you had two more legs? Aeroth Trotocophalam! Ha-ham! Ooh, not what I would have thought. Ooh, not where I would have thought. Yeah, not what I would have expected. Ew! Oh my god! Although this might help me walk to Mordor.

I mean, it's not as bad as the utolch is, but I'm going to undo it anyway. Hold on, hold on. Why did the legs go there? Well, I was just sort of freewheeling it. I just tried to, I cast a spell to add some extra legs to Arnie and that's just, you know, who knew they were gonna come out of the shoulders

and what out of the belly button? They came out of the shoulders and the belly button. They came out curly cued like a fry. Yeah, I mean, they're almost like a cube that's a leg. Having extra legs coming out of my shoulders makes it look like I'm going down on myself. Ew. I'm gonna undo this. Avada ta ta.

Arnie stop. Oh, thank God. Oh sorry, this is just your normal stuff. Okay. Yeah, he's back to that's what he always looks like. Brutal. Brutal to have two legs. In his defense, he's back. That's what he always looks like. Brutal, brutal to have two legs. In his defense, he's trying to walk more.

So Coach Broth, do your players ever get to like go to like a professional game and see some of the famous players like Kobe Brighorse? Oh, yeah, I've taken them to see a few games out of my own freaking pocket, too. They've seen horse curry, they've seen. Which is delicious by the way. Okay, I don't do that, I don't do that. They've seen basketball player, they've seen. There's so many, it's hard to like pick one

off the top of your head, right? It's so many, it's hard to pick one off the top of your head, right? It's so hard. Oh, Naamond Green. Yeah. It's a horse that won't stop naeing. Oh, I said that, I'm sorry. But it nays, which is weird.

Yes, yes. They seen, you get it. Yeah, we get it. I've been seeing a lot of these guys. Yana's on the Takum horse. Who are the other big ones? Larry horse. Larry horse, yep.

Magic, magic horse-in. Yeah, yeah, Anthony Black horse. Doctor horse. Stallion O'Neil. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Big centaur, big Blackhorse. Doctor Horse. Stallion O'Neil. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Big center, big center. Horsey Horson.

Yes, Kareem Abdul-Horse. Mm-hmm. Guys, this is easy, this is easy. I take them as often as I can, and I try to point out, here's what this guy's doing. Do you see that pass? You see that, you see that? This is the stuff they're doing behind the scenes,

these are the strings. I don't know, these boys are just soft headed, they don't get it. They have the haunches, but they don't got the brains, they have the heart, but they don't got the reflexes, you know? Well perhaps, if you'd like, I could create some sort of potion that would give them the reflexes that they've always needed.

I, for I am a great wizard, one of the greatest wizards in all of Foon. And if you have a magical boon you wish to ask of me, I shall grant it. And all I ask in return is you don't allow your centaur brethren to join forces with the wizards who would do so much evil in this world Actually raising their armies right now against us all

Yeah, I don't know if you're talking about basketball, but the Wizards changed their name They thought it was insensitive because they used to be the swords and they thought that was too violent And then they changed the Wizards and that seemed seemed weird. Are you talking about the team the Wizards or Wizards Wizards? I was talking about like Spintax and Genelevia, the actual wizards. Okay, I was like. We're all being huge dickheads right now. Sheeeef!

Holy crud, Ysidore, if that's true, I will absolutely take a potion to fix my boys. I mean, I'll do anything to get, but wait a minute. Would they know that it wasn't coming from within? Would they know it was coming from some juice? I've gotta be honest with you. It was all a trick. The potion was just going to be water

that smelled a little bit like the moon. Oh, crud, I wish I didn't know that. I gave him water, crud. But now I know. But that. I'd give him water, crud. But now I know. But then Lucifer, you also have that stuff called Flubber. Yeah, I could just put some, yeah, I could just put some Flubber on the bottom of their hooves. Would that help?

No, would it give them artificial help and it wouldn't really be coming from them? Yeah. I mean, yeah, I mean, if their hearts hit it though, they just could jump higher, sort of bouncing around. I just want to see somebody use Flubber. I mean, I just think it would be great. I think you could use Flubber, but my boys are too honest.

They're honest, they're good, and they're terrible at the game. No, Ysidora, I have to say nay to your offer of horse growth hormones and all of that. Ysidora, I have to say nay to your offer of Horse growth hormones and all all of that I want my boys to succeed on their own merit or keep not succeeding on their own merit I understand coach broth you seem so depressed like is it possible you're putting too much pressure on yourself with your job Like and maybe focus on the other things in your life that make you happy

Like what? Meredith probably gonna leave me in like three seconds Is there tension in your marriage The only tension is I'm a bad husband All right, what what if we attach some flubber to Meredith Moonwalker? The only tension is I'm a bad husband. Oh. All right, what if we attach some flubber to Meredith Moonwalker? So she just keeps bouncing back into your house

every time she tries to leave. You could really do that to my gal? Sure. I mean, it's morally reprehensible, but. I'll do it. I'll do it. I wouldn't do it to my boys, but by God, I'm gonna keep my wife.

Well, okay, I suppose I'll just have to whip up some flubber here. Just give me a few minutes. Well, while you get the flubber together, why don't we take another break? Are you sure? Yeah. People don't wanna,

because all the noises when you make the flubber, it's terrible. We do not want that on the podcast. That's true. Yeah, actually, Coach, would you mind blowing your pan flute and we'll use a timeout to go to break? Okay, great. Stop eating corn on the cob.

At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me, and the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up.

They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to episodes everywhere on February 18th. In the depths of an Atlanta forest, a clash between activists and authorities ends in tragedy, but the official narrative doesn't add up. I'm Matthew Scherr, and on my new podcast, We Came to the Forest, we peel back the layers of secrecy surrounding a deadly confrontation that shook a community

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Wondery Plus. Yes, Arnie, about 40 cent a year years for every traditional funish year. So I would be about, I'd say 14,000 years old in centaur years. Yeah, I didn't ask for that math. I don't know why you're telling me this, Isidore. Yeah, you're too old for this sport, Isidore. I'm sorry, but you aged out. I understand.

It happens to the best of us. But during the break, while I was doing math to Delight and enrage Arnie. I also was able to create some flubber Incredible so I just attached this to my wife's house and then she's not gonna leave me well You could do that, but how would you feel? Oh? I thought you were gonna say something else. I think I would feel awesome. I think I would feel freaking awesome

if I knew she was never gonna leave me ever in my whole life. Chunt, Chunt, this sort of backfired on me. I thought if I could flubber on. Another moral test or something? Oh, also I don't know how the flubber is gonna consistently work like that. She could bounce anywhere.

Yeah, she could bounce back in the house, but she could also be in the house and accidentally bounce out of the house. That's a great point, Arnie. I'm gonna go ahead and do it and let her get away. Where's your wife stayed right now? She at your house or is she, are you in town? Yeah, she's at our stable down the street.

Probably doing something really nice, like sewing up all my clothes and probably watching some good hearted crying. Just eating apples like a little angel. She does sound like an angel. I'm going to go now down the street to the stable and I'll attach the flubbertoe hooves. Thank you so much, Usador.

You don't feel guilty about this at all. No, I love it, bye! Now, Coach Broth, when you were younger, did you have aspirations to be a basketball player? Bye! Bye! Now, Coach Broth, when you were younger, did you have aspirations to be a basketball player? Yeah, but who cares? I was never made for the sport, you know? You weren't made for the sport?

You weren't good? No, I wasn't good. I was too slow. I was cloppin' around. I couldn't focus. I'd start thinking about, oh, does my friend like me or not? Does my teacher think I'm stupid?

Should I, should I wear a blue- Is my fuck buddy a pharmacist? What? No. Yeah, so I just, I could never get good, but I knew I wanted it. I wanted to play. You know, I ended up going through the math route

where I became a number cruncher, and doing accounting for some teams. And then I thought, nah, I couldn't be a coach. And then Meredith was like, why not? And I went, holy crap, she's so freaking smart, why not? And so I started to become a coach. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah, I was gonna say, even just from you

walking over from the bar, no offense, but it seems like you have more of a trot than a canter. I've heard that before. But your wife sounds, I mean, the fact that she chimed in and gave you the courage to coach, I mean, that's a beautiful story and sounds like a lovely woman, horse, centaur. Do you guys have lovely people in your life to encourage you when you don't think you could do something?

Yeah, I mean, I have my cousin Arnie here. Yeah, and I have this app on my phone that encourages me to walk all the way to Mordor. So we all have someone. Wow, it's so beautiful that you have an app that is by your side all the time. Thick and thin, sickness and health. That's very, don't cherish that.

Did you say thickness and health? I might have. Was that your vows? Was that part of your, do you mind sharing your vows? I guess for a horse, thickness and health makes sense. I could share my vows. Remember though, I said, Meredith, you are my moon, and thus here is my ode to you. You are the moon above a glistening pond. You are the moon above the stable of my heart.

I will love you in thickness and in health. Aw. That's my favorite part. That is to say, if we become enormous or are healthy, one of the two. And we promise not to look each other in the mouth. Yes, we not to look each other in the mouth. Yes, we'll never look each other in the mouth. We will always hold each other.

Hold your horses. We will, you will drag each other to water. And I will always hold your horses too. Meredith. Meredith. I'm just realizing, M-A-R-E-D-I-T-H? Correct. You should have brought me back here. He was going to attach the flubber to me, but instead I heard our beautiful vows and I've fallen in love with you all over again. Oh my God, Meredith, even though I'm a freaking shit for brains coach. Even though you're a shit for brains coach.

You're the worst coach who's ever coached. No. Less encouraging than I thought it would be. And I love you, I love you. I want you to keep coaching. Keep your eye on the bottom of that. Keep your eye on the bottom of that hole and keep digging. Thanks for clearing your throat,

you sounded a little hoarse. I am a big hoarse. I'm sorry, no, sorry, I wasn't trying to- She's a big hoarse, Chunt. I wasn't trying to infant a horse here. What the heck? She's thick as hell, Chunt, shut up. Hey, what's your name, little guy?

Me? Yeah, you. I'm Chunt. You wanna come to my stable sometime while he's coaching? Oh, um, for first watching Scrying? I'm gonna buy drinks for everyone while I don't listen to this conversation. Drinks for everyone, I'm in love again and again. Oh boy. Well, I think I've managed to bring them back together.

It seems like they're going to be fine now. You know, I think something I'm learning is that the interpersonal relationships with people are very complicated. We shouldn't meddle or try to fix them. And if someone is just like over fixating on sports, maybe that's not so bad. Maybe that's actually a good thing. Arnie, if I wasn't meddling and fixing things, what the hell would I be doing?

I don't know. Guys, help me lift up this barrel of mead. We're gonna dump it on Coach. It's an honorific. On the count of three. One, two, three. Ah! Ah!

Pfft! Pfft! I'm wasted! Wow, most of that went right in his mouth. Wow. It's kind of unbelievable how much went in his mouth. Very good. I'm driving a boat!

All of it went down my throat! Oh my god. Oh my god. Sentries are big, but that might be a dangerous amount of mead. I can drive. I'll drive. I'll drive anybody. I'll drive.

Meredith, give me your horsesho. I'll drive. Meredith. You drive me crazy. No, give me your horseshoes. You guys are in no shape to pull a cart. Give me your bit. I'm gonna bite down on the bit. Okay, things are getting weird now. Should we be reaching this?

No, no, no, Arnie, Arnie. Let it play out. Okay. Hey Meredith. Yeah? You know how I'm always doing my dreams, and you're always supporting me? Yeah? What are your dreams? I've always wanted to visit the moon. Wow.

What if we take the next couple of years and visit the moon together and I pass these boys on to someone else for the time being? Sure. Arnie? Yeah? You said something earlier to me about a basketball team and your familiarity with the sport. Yeah. Could your dad coach the sport. Yeah.

Could your dad coach my team? Huh. Oh, he's offering you the reins. He's retired and he's in another world. Wow. And for a moment I was worried that you were gonna make me coach that team. Uh, no.

Hey, literally, literally no. You could not even catch the ball when I threw it earlier, and you need an app to tell you to take steps. I'm not going to give you my boys. Can you imagine somebody passing Arnie the ball, him having to take out his phone, open up the app, wait for a signal, look at the app, take a few steps?

It's not efficient. Yeah. You can't, I was just kidding earlier when I said it was beautiful he had the app. I think a few steps. It's not efficient Yeah, can't I I was just kidding earlier when I said it was beautifully had an app. I think that stinks I think that's so sad. Yeah And if I'm sorry, can you excuse me for just a second? Usador, Usador. Yes. Well, do you still have that flubber? Yes, you should put the flubber on both of the centaur's hooves and maybe they'll bounce to the moon.

Can't they just sign up for a cruise like everyone else? Wait, there are cruises to the moon? Sure, how do you think you get there? Arnie, one of these days to the moon. I mean, I'll pay for a, sorry, I don't know why I balled up my fist. Yeah, you said that very aggressively. Well, I'm saying I'll pay for, oh, I don't know why I balled up very aggressively. Well, I'm saying I'll pay for oh Coach, huh? That's it. I have a perfect solution

coach broth Surely, you know every 25 years There is a thing called stardunk Yeah, you know, there's that song. Come on get up everybody It's where all the creatures of the galaxy of the sky will challenge Food teams. Yeah after stealing their powers. Yeah. Yeah, but your boys don't have any powers Yeah, so enter your team into the stardunk

The the creatures in the sky will take your boys power dunk, the creatures in the sky will take your boys power, thereby giving them real powers, and they'll finally win. And it all takes place on the moon. Holy crap. It could be good that my boys don't have powers, because if you are someone with powers and you take the ability of having no powers, then you don't have powers. And then probably because you're so full of not having powers, all your powers leak out and will go into my boys.

Yep, once the channels are open, that makes total sense. Okay, I am absolutely entering my boy, hey Meredith, I'm literally so sorry, this is gonna be a work trip. So, okay, fine. So sorry about everything I said before, I take it back. Gonna take a nice romantic trip to the moon and now it's a basketball thing again.

Absolutely, you got it baby. We're gonna turn this into a big work trip. But this time it's gonna work out, I promise you. You know what? I support you and I believe you. And I love you. She's perfect. She does whatever I wanna do. Artie, she's kissing me.

Artie, she's kissing, no thank you. Do you wanna come with me to the moon, little guy? I'm good, thank you so much though, thank you. She's so perfect and she loves only me. Well we've done it again. Saved another marriage, Arnie. How do you feel? I'm not sure. I mean, now I just feel angry that I'm not coaching that basketball team.

Arnie, would it make you feel less angry if we could classify the podcast from now on as a relationship advice podcast? If it'll get us more listeners. I mean, at first. Then people would listen. And more angry emails. Yes. Yeah. I think at this point the angry emails are a given. My favorites are the ones from the FCC saying, we don't have anything on you yet, but one day you'll get sloppy, and there will be.

Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Refai. Broth Moonwalker was played by special guest Rekha Shanker. Check out Rekha's newsletter at buttondown.com slash Rekha Shankar. Check out Rekha's newsletter at button-down.com slash Rekha Shankar and her videos on Instagram at Rekha underscore S. Hear that? It's the sound of no new T-shirts. It's also the sound of my smile, that rarest of astrological phenomena. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs and at least two and Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Haverman.

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