Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 45 - Mothman Now (w/ Hank Green)

Episode Date: February 24, 2025

Hans Hoffman Science Mothman is back and he's desperate to learn about what science is on Earth from Arnie.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungHans Hoffman, Science Mothman: Hank GreenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Indeed.com slash wonder ECA. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring indeed is all you need. is all you need. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. But just because something's not real doesn't mean that it can't touch our hearts and change our lives in unplanned and extraordinary ways. But we don't really do that either, so sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Darnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine years and 11 months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional riff, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the wanderlost, in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, by my cousin, by my friend,

Chump the Talking Badger. Arnie, how you doing, buddy? I'm doing okay, how are you? Doing pretty well, close your eyes. Real quick, close your eyes. Okay. Put out your hands. Alright, this is all.

And open them. Arnie, it's a fish. Thank you. Yeah, I'm testing out something Ysidor told me. So I just gave you a fish. Anything you wanna say or do with that? Give it back. Interesting, okay.

Toss that on the floor. Okay, now Arnie, now. Hands, do you got like a wet wipe or something? My hands are all fishy now. I just wipe it on my fur. Okay, are you sure? Not my mouth, my fur. Okay, sorry.

Here we go. my fur. Okay, sorry. There we go. You are kind of like wonderfully hand towel sized. I don't know how to take that. I mean I've never wiped my hands off on your fur before. Yeah. But now I kind of want to do that all the time. Hmm. Is that okay? Is that like a cousin thing? You know what? Yeah, as long as it's maybe backs no fronts I think that's fine. Sure. Oh, so Arnie so I gave you a fishy You did you give try to give it back to me, which is wild Okay, now put your hands up because you can't shape shift put your hands up to your face Okay, kind of pucker your lips and kind of do do one of these

Okay, do I like you're flapping your fucking okay. Like I'm flapping my hand like gills. Yeah, yeah. You, sir, I gave him a fish and then I taught him to fish and I don't know, I don't know, I forgot your saying, what was your saying? Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to act like a fish

and he'll make friends with fish who will teach him where to find cattle that he may turn into steaks. Oh, the fish that we put on the floor is going... Arnie, that fish on the floor thinks you're a fish. Oh, uh... Follow it, follow it, it'll show us where the cow's on her. Quick, everyone out of the tavern! Sorry, not everyone, not everyone. Sorry, everyone, finish your drinks. So sorry. This fish is flopping so fast. It's really making a lot of progress out of here. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Oh, oh, Arty, do... oh, oh, which way did it go? Did it go up the road there? I don't... I don't... I don't... While we're following this fish, Usador, why don't you introduce yourself? I am Usador, wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ophesius, Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarrakas, the elves know me as Fjangalik, the dwarves know me as Zonan and Hoogstengis, and I am known in the northeast as Gasmanius Mastar, and know I have finally found a way to track down those slippery and sneaky cows. Yes. Yeah, I'm getting some steps in oh Yeah, the arnie that's right. How many steps are you up to? Let me take a look because let me take out my phone. Let me open my app, okay, but keep running but keep running Okay, so I'm trying to listeners Arnie and revealed last week that he is using something called stepping to Mordor that he is using something called stepping to Mordor or some such thing. Even though I've invited him on countless quests, he's decided to do a fake quest on his phone.

I have now gone 97.5 miles overall, and according to this, I will arrive in Mordor on December 24th, 2026. And Arnie, you said 97.5? Mm-hmm, kiss FM. Oh, I was gonna say, could you say it like a fun voice, like 97.5. 97.5, kiss FM. Kiss FM. Excuse our, all the hits of the 80s, 90s and today. We used to call them oldies, now they're oldies.

I assume it means kiss full mouth. Oh, I thought it was gonna be fish man. Oh, I didn't think of that. Hey, who, do you guys see, there's something kind of flying up above us. Oh, it might be a cow. The fish just jumped back in the river. Wait, is that? Damn it.

Wait, we know this thing. I think this thing looks familiar. We know this thing! Hey! Hey! How- hi! Hey! Hey!

Can- Can- Whoa! Oh! Well, that was kind of a rough landing. Yeah, it's been a rough landing kind of a day. Friend, you look a little, a little rough around the gills, but I recognize thee.

Art thou Hans Hoffman, Science Mothman? I am, hello, it's Hans Hoffman, Science Mothman. It's very good to be with you. Y'all, I didn't, you're from that tavern, right? Yeah, it's been years. I'm Arnie, I'm from another world. Yeah, that's why I recognize you, is because it was so weird to meet somebody from another...

I need to talk to you. I should have talked to you more. No. I've been looking for you for years. For years? We've been in this tavern that walks around on legs, so it's been difficult to track us down. That must have been the problem. Does it go over bridges? It can. It doesn't have to. Yeah. It goes downstairs. It doesn't have to.

Yeah. It goes downstairs. It's fun for a girl and a boy. That's a strange thing to say. Is it? Well, I don't know. It's like girls and boys probably shouldn't go in taverns that much. Is that against the rules? I mean, they have to get gruel and stew somewhere. That's a good point. I don't know how children work. We're very different from you.

So Hans, you're a moth man and it's been a while. I remember you were sort of a science enthusiast. You believe that magic is really just science that we haven't discovered yet. Ha! Cuckoo, cuckoo. Kind of an unpopular opinion in film. Arnie, you have to tell me about this other world you're from.

Oh. I go across this land of food and I'm hired by farmers and artisans to do science, but I can't. Everything I try, nothing works. The other day I was hired to clear out a field of small rodents that were digging holes in all of the cattle. They were stepping in the holes and breaking their legs. Pete Oh, I thought, for a second, I thought you said they were digging holes in the cattle. Jared No, they do that too. Pete Oh, no.

Jared They will sometimes, they'll jump up on the cattle and they'll dig holes into the cattle and I have to use science. Of course, I'm hired to use science to solve this problem and everything I try. I cut the, I cut the little things in half. I cut them to see how old they are, because that's how it works with trees. You cut them in half and then you count the rings. And I counted the rings. They're as old as food, these things. There was millions of rings on the inside of them.

In the inside of these rodents? Yes, so many. It doesn't make sense. How could this rodent that sometimes chews holes in cows be millions of years old? Yeah. There's too many rings. It would took me forever. I would assume it was nepotism.

Somehow that rat knew another rat and he's like, I want to live for a million years. And then they worked it out. They're not rats. They're like rats, but long. Oh, long rats. Do you guys know about long rats? No.

Yeah, I think that's what they're called. Longus ratus. Yousinor, do you ever get hired by farmers to clear their fields of rats? I sometimes go to a farmer who says, Oh, there's a plague that's fallen upon my crops. What should I do about these locusts or these long rats or these... or just bad weather. And I say unto them, let me use my magic to assist you.

And then I create an amazing array of fireworks in the sky, followed by a rainbow. It's been a long few years to be a science mothman in the magical land of food. Oh, you seem like you've lost some of your pizzazz, some of your excitement. That's why I need to see you! Tell me of this world that you're from! Arnie, you've fought it for years.

Now we're gonna finally put you to the test. Tell us about Earth stuff. Do some science right now. Do some science right now? Do some science right here in front of us. How does light work? How does of us! How does light work? How does light work? How does light work? Magnets! Who are they?

That's insane. That's insane. That's not science. I'm just a clown. I don't know anything. I'm with my posse. I've heard rumor of this other world. This other world where science is real and magic is fake and I... If I have to accept that magic is the true the true

stuff of food and that I have believed in science all of these years and it's just it's been nothing. All I am is cutting open long rats. Well, Usador makes fireworks and rainbows. Kind of a hat on a hat. Although to be fair, Usador, when you make those fireworks and rainbows, does that help the rat problem at all? No, but they feel better. I assume the weather's better. I've seen wizards make the weather better. Yes, I certainly could make the weather better, but it can be unpredictable still.

It's a drought, right? And then I call forth the rains, and the rains come pouring down. And then those, all that rain starts to coalesce into a giant water beast, a beast made of pure water, who then sucks the farmer down into an abyss. Whoa! Oh, okay. And you know,

and you know what I'm doing? I'm like, that's a cumulonimbus cloud! I can just name the things, that's all I can do! Oh... I can't make them do things! Did you come up with that name yourself? Yes, it's... I thought that it sounded nice. It does sound nice.

Cumulonimbus. Is that named after my friend Cumulonimbus? The wizard? Yeah, you know Cumulonimbus? The only reason I still get work is because you guys apparently don't need money anymore. Yeah, the wizards have kind of... Ysitor, how would you explain it?

Ysitor, you do the exposition. Well, the wizards, they've become quite miserly since they've lost their immortality and they now amass power and wealth in their strongholds, the skirmishing with one another, and for certain, as tensions do mount, war becomes more inevitable. Yeah, and Hans, I gotta say that Arnie's been sort of,

um, sort of, Arnie, you tell him. Oh, shit. Um, well, you know, I've become the greatest warrior in all of FUN, and... Mm-hmm? I've increasingly forgotten more about the world that I've come from. It's not just that I don't want to talk about Earth stuff. No one asks me to talk about Earth stuff anymore.

What, what, when you were a child and you were ill, what did they do? How did they help you? It couldn't have been magic. It must have been science stuff. That's true. Okay, let me think. Look, I'm not a science expert, but maybe there are some things that I can remember that can help. So when I was a child and I was sick, the kind of things that would help,

I think I would drink 7-Up. 7-Up. Which was this sort of bubbly clear liquid. It wasn't as good as soda. Arnie. Yeah? Sorry, so you drink eight. Sorry, Hans, Arnie's bad at numbers, so sometimes he'll go, you know, he'll be like, I just turned 48 up.

And we're like, just say 49. 49. It's confused. It's one up from 48. I am feeling like you're not going to be much help, but keep going. Trust that feeling. But this, but also another thing that would help is I would eat saltine crackers. Salty, I feel like we have crackers here and then

not even particularly magical. Alone scientific. And then we would stay home from school and watch live with Regis and Kathie Lee. Did they put anything in you? Anything up the front, up the back? In the nostrils? Okay.

Answer the question, Nicky. Alright, can I explain how catheters work? No, but I could, you know, sometimes- We have catheters here. Oh, I guess that's true. Yes, I've the evil wizard catheter. Ysidor, you know catheter, Yes. Oh, I know catheter. He and cumulonimbus are very Staunch enemies they hate one another and of course, uh, ony you may not be able to explain catheters

But you certainly could explain Kathy that comic strip. Ah, I don't know if I want to do that And you said Regis and Her do a...something? Talk show? And Kathy Lee? Yeah, I never really put that together. Well, look, Kathy is spelled more than one way. They're completely different Cathys. But both of them probably drink a little too much. Prove it. Spell it all the ways that it can be spelled. Okay. C-A-T-H-Y.

One. K-A-T-H-Y. One. K-A-T-H-I-E. Two. Two. And then some various variations on that. Two ways. Look, Hans, you look like you could use a drink. Do you want to come back with us to the tavern?

Yes. Is it near? Was that a yes? Sorry, I was being very quiet. Is it nearby? I don't know if I have the energy to go on. Oh, we can carry you, because it also looks like from that rough landing, it looks like there's a bone sticking out of your leg, or I don't know if you have bones.

Oh, it's not a bone, but yes. Something's sticking out. Don't worry about it, don't look. Here, I'll summon a cloud, and you can float on the cloud all the way back to the tavern. Fine, that's fine. I'll do that era turtle conund

Usador it seems like insult to injury to magic him to the place. I'm just trying to help no I get And said you want to learn about science on the way back to the tavern I'll teach you where light comes from. When the goddesses winked at the stars, one star became brighter than the rest and became the son of food. And now that son, who is just the embodiment of the goddesses wink... Alright, can you count the number of rings on the inside of this long rat? One. Two. Thank you.

Alright, we'll head back to the tavern during the break and we'll do all that counting. I'm John Robbins and joining me on How Do You Coke this week is the musician, writer, and presenter, Jordan Stevens. I didn't tell my therapist that I cheated. That was one of the things that she was most confused about. I think honestly, before that point, I might have been lying a little bit in therapy. I might not have really been understanding what it was that I could do in there. I definitely

didn't think it was a safe space because I didn't tell my therapist what I'd done. So that's How Do You Cope with me, John Robbins. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. In the depths of an Atlanta forest, a clash between activists and authorities ends in tragedy. But the official narrative doesn't add up. I'm Matthew Scherr, and on my new podcast, We Came to the Forest, we peel back the layers of secrecy surrounding a deadly confrontation that shook a community to its core. Through exclusive recordings and never before released eyewitness accounts, we expose the hidden truths behind a shootout that left one activist dead and countless lives forever

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I don't think so. Okay. So, Hans, your wings look all messed up. Like, it just looks like you've been through a lot. Well, I mean, we don't live that long. Once we become Mothman. Oh, not really. How much time would you say you have left? Oh, I don't like to think about it that way. It's one day at a time, you know, for a Mothman. I think for most people it's one day at a time.

It's one day at a time for most people. So, so, Hans, you For most people, it's one day at a time. It's one day at a time for most people. Ha ha ha ha ha. So, so Hans, you, before you were so eager to advocate for science, and now you've just been turning science tricks all over Foon? You know, sometimes I feel I'm onto something. I feel I, I get in touch with something real. You know, I really do believe Foon is a ball. After all this time, a ball with water dripping down

across the ball, like Chunt in the shower. Huh? Don't worry about, you know, sometimes I picture you in the shower, Chunt, because you once talked about you showering to me, and so I think about that. It's sort of a comfort thought for me, that I just go back to when I'm having a hard time.

Okay, then take these sketches. Sorry, and you were saying? Uh, yeah, these are sketches I draw of myself in the shower. Oh, they're beautiful. They're so damp. Foon may very well be a giant sphere, as you have postulated, but everyone knows it's also the dream of a bison. Just give me a chance.

Let it exist in your head for a bison. Just give me a chance. Let it exist in your head for a moment that maybe Foon's just... just been here the whole time and it was never... in a bison first. It was just here and it's been here. Where is the... where is this bison? What's your evidence for this bison? What's your evidence for this bison, Usador?

I have none and I must admit that. I believe in the Goddesses because they called me forth, and I used to be an angelic being who lived alongside them, but perhaps they are just beings beyond our comprehension. And Hans, I know we have a contentious relationship, but I know we haven't agreed in the past, but I'm so mad at the wizards that perhaps I should learn science.

What? I have been trying, and I don't have much time left on this globe. And so we must extract from this man who is from a different realm that does not appear to be magical. We must extract from him his knowledge of science. What did they put in you and where? Chut, hold him down. What did they put in you and where? Chut, hold him down. What did they put in you and where? Alright, Neekamp, what's inside of you? I don't know. I always assumed someone would try to take me apart and get the secrets from Earth from me, but I had no idea it would be like this. I'm gonna waterboard him.

Uh, Ysir, that's where I list all the different types of water until he gets bored. Excellent. I'm going to cheeseboard him, and I'm I list all the different types of water until he gets bored. Excellent. I'm going to cheese boredom and I'm gonna get some charcuterie. I'll be right back. Wait, no, he- holding down his- oh, he's up, he's up. Oh, he's up. Look, I think I know what's going on, Hans. You're having a magistential crisis.

Is this a thing that happens? Have you had one? Look, I think really what's happening is you're just dealing with the total demoralizing aspects of becoming an adult. Well, I was an adult the first day I existed. Oh, like Ysador. Yeah. I'm pretty used to being an adult.

You know, I used to be a caterpillar, of course, but after that, it's just been all adult. Look, I'm going to sort of try to think about my experience of growing up and see if using language you understand, if it makes sense. Maybe did you spend so much of your life thinking that, I don't know, maybe science is real. Maybe there's more than just what's going on around you and that, you know, maybe there's something special about you and, and that you'll be able to, you know, capture the science and the world. Yes. And then eventually you realize, oh, wait, no, no, no, science is just a dream and no, and I'm just

stuck in a horrible world. It's all just hard magic. How did you get around? How did you go to places? Did you just horses or did you have clouds that flew? How did you- you remember! You said Burger King. You said Wi-Fi. These are things. What are these things? Hans, here's the problem. I'm from another world, but I would even consider myself an above average intelligence person from my world, but... Whoa, wow. Oh no, that seems right to me.

Yeah, like amongst the friends that I had on my world, I was definitely the smarter one. That tracks. Yeah. But, you know, just give me a little something. Give me something to work with. How did you just like get to get to the Burger King? How'd you get there? Okay. So, um, I had a car.

It was an automobile. So it was sort of like a cart, right? Okay. That you have here, but it would essentially drive itself. Like I would have to steer it still, but you didn't need animals to make it move. You just had to fill it with much more precious resources. So you filled it with precious resources? Ooh, like marriages and love. More precious than that.

Cows? Kids? No. Look, I'm trying to think of how much of this I understand. Say you take a cow, right? And you bury it in the ground and over thousands and thousands of years. Artie, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry, Artie, buddy, whoa. Yeah? What are we doing? You take a cow.

No, no. Classic cow funeral. Look, do you guys know how science works? No, I do. I am the most- Everybody shut up let them talk! I am the smartest person in this room right now. Alright, so you take a cow, you bury it in the ground. Over thousands and thousands of years it deteriorates and it turns into oil, I think. Oil like for like like what what you would use for cooking? Well no like a more viscous oil. Oh like for sex. Sex oil? That is a precious resource. Some of us

have too much of that. No it's sort of like how I describe it it's it's a bubbling crude Texas tea oil that is. I'm gonna need you to go back for us just like two steps to some of us have too much of it. This is important for science. Okay. Let's all go around and say how many bottles of sex oil we have at home. And if anybody's being weird about it, we should all maybe, you know, have a conversation. I guess there is that person in food I've heard about that's in a lot of trouble for having way too much sex oil. All I know is I have a normal amount of sex oil personally. Sure, okay, and same, and same for me.

We don't need to go around and say how much. I can appreciate that. No, certainly not. So getting back to how automobiles work, so you have this oil and then you turn it into something else called gasoline. Boy, that part of the process I don't really understand. And to the point where I'm not actually sure that oil does turn into gasoline. Those are maybe just completely different things.

And let's just play a thought exercise. If any of you had to guess how you would turn oil into gasoline even though you don't know what either of those two things are how do you think it would happen I'll go first yes I would definitely start by burying a cow in the ground that would be my first thought right right so I would do that and then I would dig it up like you said thousands of years later and then I would dig it up, like you said, thousands of years later, and then I would have a gnome kiss it on the nose, and then as it came rumbling back to life from the gnome's kiss, it would begin to expectorate

all sorts of manner of vile bile, and I would take that bile and I would refine it in some way so that it would become this gasoline. I'd refine it probably by sending it to a boarding school. Here's the problem. I stop paying attention to what you're saying and I think that's why I don't know how this happens in the first place.

Sure, sure. My guess would be so you have one thing and you're turning it into another thing. Now I know that wizards do this all the time and Chunt does this to his own body. If I was asked to do that as a science mothman, I would use some form of distillation where you heat up whatever is the thing and then some of it evaporates faster than other pieces. So you can what we call fractional distillation. So some of it will evaporate at different temperatures,

you get it to that low temperature and that portion evaporates off, and then you recondense that into a more pure form of the mixture that maybe you got out of burying the cow. Uh... Just like making a potion. Oh, yes, is it? Very similar, yes. And heating up materials to make them into different forms

as an ancient ritual that goes back through forging weapons and blacksmithery. I mean, there's all sorts. Is it definitely a ritual, or is there an element of science to this? I suppose it could be described as science, for it is taught by non-magical creatures in this world from generation to generation.

Isn't that its own sort of magic? Would you, of course, but would you say that the original substance was a mixture of many substances and you're just extracting one from it, or that you're creating something entirely new from scratch that ever existed before? Well, I suppose the latter, for nothing can be created or destroyed unless I create it or destroy it. Did you mean the former?

I meant the former, yes. I didn't realize that was a gas pump. Oh no, he said latter but he meant former. Indeed I did mean the former. Because if you want to form something out of another thing, you must extract it. Yes, manipulate the elements. I've been trying all of these years. I've been trying to find Arnie to extract the secrets of science from his thick lunk.

But now I find that perhaps the wizards of Foon are the ones with the greatest scientific understandings, my mortal enemies? Well, they're also my mortal enemies, Hans, and I want to say to you again, I believe that we could help one another. We can't let these guys know about this. Chunk, they're fake whispering. I don't know. I noticed they definitely know something's up. Wait, you're fake whispering. I don't know. I know, I definitely know something's up. Wait, shit, oh, you're doing it too?

Yeah, it's fun, join in. Eureka! We've done it. What have you guys made over here? Well, I taught Hans how to create his first potion. And in turn, he has taught me about osteoporosis! Huh. Doesn't seem like a fair trade.

Well, it's... I mean, it's not a big deal until it happens. It's a bone disease. It's also a wizard. Oh, yeah. We've learned about so many new wizards this episode. Yes, and we are going to continue the tradition of naming diseases by their names.

They're sucking away some of their powerful names, are very powerful. And yeah, diseases and also medical instruments, the wizard catheter, take that, ha ha, if you know what I mean. Ha ha ha ha. Yes, I've also learned about photosynthesis, Arnie. It's extremely scientific, and we think that it's possible

that this is how the original energy that goes into your gasoline is created in the first place. Oh, photosynthesis? Power from the sun! Imagine that every plant and every animal who consumes those plants, Arnie, they're like a giant battery. They are absorbing what has come from the light through this process of photosynthesis and then converting it to energy,

then converting that matter into energy to run the animal's body, and then, then by the goddess's blessing, oil is formed and gasoline through a process of distillation. Maybe they should call him Gasminius Maestar the Science Maestar. Whoa! Ernie, when I turned 11, I had, as we all do, a children's birthday scientist that said all this same dumb stuff, but that doesn't make it real. I mean he also pulled two chickens out of his jacket, made them mate, had them lay eggs, put them under a heat lamp until the egg hatch, and then was like, Here, a chicken! When it's like, no, just magic one, what are you doing? These people are insane, Arnie. Don't listen to them. Usurper's been turned. The thing I hate about children's birthday parties is how fucking long they are. Simply too many activities narrow it down.

An entire gestation cycle, please. Chunt. Yes? I know that you heard all of what Ysidor just told us, but did you know also at the same time that while that great battery, the size of food goes on and on, converting energy into life, that also everything is also constantly fucking? Maybe that makes it better for you?

Oh, okay, I'm listening. You have my intention. Yeah, it doesn't work without that. What I don't understand is that, you know, when you see like a gopher go down into the ground, you know, we obviously assume that they pop their head up on the other side of the disc. We never see it, but we assume, right? It digs down 10 feet and all of a sudden it's on the bottom of Foon.

I mean, I think that that's a fairly easy thing to test. Would you like to go back out into the cattle field and dig ten feet down and see if you pop out on the other side of Thune? Alright, come on, let's go. You're a badger! Everyone outside! Sorry, not everyone, not everybody. People who are drinking, staying at your table. Sorry, Hans, what were you saying? What were you saying?

You're a badger. You've dug down more than 10 feet, haven't you? Uh, usually I stop at nine and a half, but, um... Well, seems like someone needs an app to track how much they're digging. Imagine this. You help your little brother land a great job abroad. But when he arrives, the job doesn't exist. Instead, he's trapped in a heavily guarded compound, forced to sit at a computer and scam innocent victims, all while armed guards stand by with shoot-to-kill orders. Scam Factory, the explosive new true crime podcast from Wondery,

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And I was like, what is he talking about? Yeah. And then I said, I, uh, okay, I'll dig down eight and a half. And he winked and he said, Fellini. And I said, I don't want to feel, I don't want to feel lini. And then he said, well, I'll dig down seven. And I'm just sort of like, not my favorite fincher.

I don't know what's going on. Okay, let me get a little stretch here. All right. Sorry to embarrass you, Hans, but I'll go ahead and try and dig down 10 feet and pop out the other side. Oh, Chunt, this doesn't look like a good spot. Let me move this box. I wonder what's in this box.

Here, you can dig right there. Well, hold on. What's in the box? Youssef, what's in the box? What's in the box? I think it's just a box of hair. Ah, weird. Okay, that's mine.

Science, you know. All right, here we go. I'll see you guys. I mean, I guess when I pop out the bottom of the phone, it'll take me a couple weeks to get back to this point. So I'll see you all in a couple of weeks. Wait, you can just come right back. He makes so many noises when he's digging.

Five feet. It's a real grunter. How's it going? Yeah. How's it going, Chunk? It's getting rough down here. Are you gonna need to take a shower later? Uh, not a shower, but I'll have to take something.

Take something, like medication? I don't know what that means. What's medication? Oh, I wish you had that in this world. I have some prescriptions that are long overdue. Uh oh, I'm at 10 feet. The furthest he's ever been. 15 feet.

15? Wow, that was, the last five was really easy. How are you measuring that? 240 feet. Are you just guessing? He's just guessing. He's like four feet down. He's just like four feet. He's guessing.

He's not measuring with anything. I feel like I went so far down. He'd still see his feet. I'm back up, I'm back up. I felt like as I was digging it, it felt like first the ground got really hard and then it felt like the ground got a little muddy and then it felt like the ground got real little muddy, and then it felt like the ground got real hot,

like in the center was really hot, like hot, hot sort of dirt. Hot dirt. Maybe some metal, I don't, it was so weird. Maybe if you found a source of heat, maybe we could use that. Oh, yeah. We could probably put some kind of, I don't know,

wizards. You need heat sometimes. Uh, we'll name him... We'll name the heat thing after the wizard Geothermal. That's great. It has a nice ring to it. But also, thermal means heat and geo means earth. That's a weird coincidence.

Huh. Oh yeah, he's a wizard who mostly lives 12 feet underground. Oh right! I already knew you could go further than 4 and a half feet. Could've saved me a lot of claws, but that's fine. You can grow them back. Now that you've dug that hole, should we put a cow in there? Yeah, let's put a cow in here and see what happens in a few thousand years. That fish over there is pointing to where the cows are.

Oh it's back, come on. Oh, we're chasing a fish. Hey, I... It's fun, right? Oh, yeah. Uh, uh, uh. I hate fishes. They smell very bad.

They do. They also eat moths. I don't know if you know that. What, they eat moths? Moths! Oh, moths. Okay, that makes a lot more sense. Why would Hans Moffmann be upset if fish ate moths?

I don't know. He's into science. Not all of it is interesting. I think that's the thought he was having when he heard me say, I think he just misheard me. You said that. I think I did, yes. Oh, misheard him. So Hans, let me explain something to you.

When we hear something, what's going on is that there's a family of demons inside of our heads who have nets. And as your words enter someone's ear, the little demon family will catch the words in their net and then eat them. Then they'll connect a tube from their belly into your brain. And that's how we hear the words. So I don't know what science thinks about that, but that's how things work. Well, you know, there's only one way to find out. Can I get in there? Chuck, get real big so you can get in there.

Yeah! Yeah, just get, become something really big with really big ears. I want to go inside. Okay, let me, maybe I'll shift into an elephant. No, need bigger. Okay, maybe I'll just shift my head bigger. Whoa.

Ah, that's a good one. Oh, man. 15 feet. That is uncanny. Oh, it's getting. 20 feet. It's still swelling. 800 feet.

I both hate and love this. This is what I asked for. He's huge, but also his measurements are still off. He's just totally guesstimating how big his head is. Yeah, but He's huge, but also, his measurements are still off. Like, he's just totally guesstimating how big his head is. Yeah, but he's shouting it very confidently, which I appreciate. I'm gonna get in there. Okay. Let's all get in there.

Well, wait, don't just walk in, take the magic school cart. I don't know what you're talking about, I'm already in. He already did, digging in. Oh, he's covered in earwax. Oh. Ah. Oh. Well, I don't see any demons in here, Chunt.

Oh, you're here too? Yeah, I decided to come in here. Wow, you're... I thought it was a pretty tight fit with just me, but... Oh, well, I'm half incorporeal at the moment, so I can just move through the... Excess.... lightnings and such. That makes sense, you see? Hey Arnie, what's going on out there?

I don't... what? I can't hear you! Ah. There's something wrong with this demon family, with the net. Could be. Hello demons! Are there any demons in here? Demons! I'll say the smell is not what I expected. Demons? I'll say the smell is not what I expected.

I will say the smell is on par with what I expected, but the sort of flavor of it isn't quite as I would have dreamed. What do you see in there? Can you hear us talking, Chunt? Yeah, it's like you're talking directly into my brain. Ooh, what if I touch this? Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Why is he coming?

Oh! Oh! Why is he pooping? I think he touched my hippocampus. I think if I pull this one that's connected to his hair, he'll become a great chef. Oh! Oh! Oh! Arnie, you're watching this? Yeah.

Whoa, I am julianning these potatoes. More. More what? Julian the more. Okay, let me julian more. Whoa, Arnie, that time I julianned the potatoes and I drew. Julianne drew. Sorry, B went in my mouth. Julian the potatoes and I drew Julianne drew

Sorry be one in my mouth, I don't know what they're talking about. I don't either What do you see in there? What do you see in there? Chunt we don't see any demons. Oh, we see like some membranes saying a lot of a lot of curvatures Oh, is there like a note from the demon family that says like we're, you know, BRB? Is it possible that the little demon family is hairs? Because there's many hairs. Yeah, there's a lot of hair. Wow.

Maybe they're hairs. I don't- Very fine hairs. Maybe the hairs are, maybe that's the net. Maybe, maybe it's a metaphor, what you learned. Oh, I like that. Chud, we think it's a metaphor. Okay. Um, okay. Could, could you, sorry, could you touch head on out of there? But before you go, could you just kind of give that hippo compass one or two more whacks? There you go. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, My friends, I feel as if I have finally glimpsed the possibilities of science.

But it feels as if this was also my last day. What? And I may be passing on. I don't want to die inside of his ear. Don't let me die inside of his ear! No, come with me. Here, grab my hand. Follow me if you want to live.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, what is, oh. Oh, oh, oh. That was so gross. Actually, now that I'm out, I think I'm fine. I ain't got a little earwax on you, but I think you're gonna be all right. Yeah.

Chunt, do you want to be normal size now? Yeah, I can do that myself. All right, just asking. Huh, okay. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha asking. Huh, okay. Ha ha ha. Blah blah. Hans, I want you to have something before you go. Here, let me reach into my hat where I can pull out. Again, I don't think I'm dying.

Oh no, I just meant, since we, I don't think, are you moving into the tavern? Until I go back to work, yes. Right, right, right. I'm gonna reach into my hat, which you moving into the tablet? Until I go back to work, yes. Right, right, right. I'm gonna reach into my hat, which is bigger on the inside. And then I'm gonna pull this out for you. Like my mom. Bigger on the inside?

Hans, I want you to have this, it's a My First Potion set. Oh, adorable. And it's got a little distillation apparatus. I believe that through learning the art of potions, the science of potions, let us say, that you'll become closer to making all of your dreams come true. Oh, thank you so much, Usador. I truly think that the Wizards, if only they would work together and if only they would they would think together,

we could find deeper truths about this world. Also maybe the next. By which I mean Earth, not death. That's an end. Yeah, it's okay Hans. I'll tell your wife you love her, it's okay. Shh, shh, shh, shh. Closing your eyes, closing your eyes. Again, I don't think it's quite time yet. I think it's soon though, I do think it's soon. Stop trying to close his eyes.

He keeps, ah, come out. I promise this, that I shall continue my quest to defeat evil, but part of that is opening the eyes of all the ignorant people who ignore the greater truths. So Hans, as you and I have not always seen eye to eye, know this, I shall continue to fight for truth. Too many I's in this speech. I would like you to know that I shall always do what I have done,

which is to always find a way for I to continue fighting evil, and part of fighting evil is uncovering the truths, the truth that are lost to the ears and the eyes. The truth! He's really making a meal out of it. Goodbye, friends! Goodbye, Hans Hoffman, Science out of it. Goodbye, friends! Goodbye, Hans Hoffman, Science Muffin. Goodbye!

Took off there. Wow. It was nice to see him again. We really seem to have lifted his spirits. I hope so. I mean, I believe that there's hope to be had still, and though the wizards have vexed me greatly, I know that if we continue and fight on, that though things may get worse before they get better, they shall get better.

For the moral arc of the universe always bends towards justice. Yeah, that's not true. But you know, the thing I'm concerned about is, look, I come from a world of science, and I believe in science, and I believe that about is, look, I come from a world of science and I believe in science and I believe that science is important. And I can even see that how science could be important to this world. But I am suddenly concerned that all the science information that I gave him was mostly about harvesting fossil fuels to make gasoline. And I feel like maybe I'm not introducing

the most useful thing into this sort of kind of beautiful world. But Arnie, don't you see, you didn't just give him a fish. You taught him how to pretend to be a fish. That cow thing is just the spark that's gonna ignite the fire. He's gonna start burying all sorts of cows, finding out that, I'm guessing probably in 24 hours,

they turn into oil, is that about right, 24 hours? No, it takes. Well, he almost died today, so that's carry the one. Okay, well, it gave him something to think about. Food for thought, already food for thought. Let's just hope he lives long enough to make another appearance on this podcast. Oh, I hope so.

I feel like listening to that guy, even though I was reluctant at first, listening to that guy talk about things was fun and interesting. Am I crazy? No, not at all. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I know that caterpillars turn into 12 or 11 mothmen when they finally do matriculate, for lack of a better word. I imagine if he sent messages back and forth to one of those other mothmen, that'd be pretty entertaining too.

Oh yeah, you think there's other mothmen? Like a Franz mothman or Hans and Franz Mothman? That would really pump me up. Why Arnie why are you winking? Let's go back to the Tavern. Earth people are a lot of that. On behalf of Earth people everywhere, or at least people who have spent some time on Earth, I can assure you we're not. Usual the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adol Refai. Hans Hoffman, Science Mothman, was played by special guest Hank Green. Check out Hank's new interview show, Ask Hank Anything, at youtube.com slash Complexly. The second episode goes live on

Wednesday. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the latest bonus episode where Arnie, Matt, and Adel do some out-of-character improv with Aaron Keefe. Yeah, I have a problem. Jennifer? Is that you?

No, my name is Jen. It's you, Jennifer. No, you got fired fair and square. No, no, I did not. Yes. Are you calling to complain about that? Are you calling to do a fake complaint and waste my time? I bought a Groupon for you not being a bitch,

and I need to return it. Oh, that's interesting! That's very interesting, Jennifer! Let me speak to your manager. Oh, let me speak to your manager. Oh, I did have a manager, and her name was Jennifer, and she got fired, because she's the worst. I'm so sorry.

Who took my job? Who took my job? Who's the new manager? Is it you? Oh, let me, you wanna speak to my manager? Give me one second. You're turning around in your chair, I can hear it. I can hear you turning in your chair. You can't hear shit, Jennifer.

Hi, it's Marie, the manager here at Groupon Customer Service. How can I help you today? To hear the rest and to vote on all the March Magic matchups, visit patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. To avoid all of that, stay right here with me. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate Producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Owlard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Owlard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen,

and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app

or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts.