Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 47 - Ten Years (w/ Paul F. Tompkins, Matt Gourley & Mark McConville)

Episode Date: March 10, 2025

It's the ten year anniversary episode and our huge guests are three kings who may join our fight against the wizards. Maybe.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungKing Bupropion Wellbutrin: Paul F. TompkinsDoncer: Matt GourleyTimothy the King of Sticks: Mark McConvilleMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Indeed.com slash wonder ECA. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring, Indeed is all you need. I'm John Robbins and joining me on How Do You Coat this week is the actor Tuppence Middleton. I think with OCD, you're so focused on keeping control of certain things because you have so little control over others that it's just about surrendering to knowing that you never really will have control and that's okay.

So that's How Do You Cope with me John Robbins. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. People of Earth. The following podcast, having dragged on for 10 years, is not real. Has it really been 10 years? It feels like 500,000. If I sound extra beleaguered, it's because I've been handed a note from Arnie to read about the show, but I'm putting that off until after the episode.

For now, sit back, contemplate the last ten years, and enjoy the show. Hello from the magic tavern. Now in our tenth year. Oh, actually, Ysidor. Ysidor. What? What? Could you do me a favor? Could you cast a magical spell when I say now in our 10th year. Oh, actually, Usador. What, what? Could you do me a favor? Could you cast a magical spell when I say, now in our 10th year, could you give it like a magical

tinkle that happens after it? Why don't you give me a little bit of warning about these things? Why, look, I just, as I was saying it, I was inspired. You're telling me in real time during the show that I have to cast a spell? Yeah, well, is that hard? No, not at all.

We can't stop you from casting spells usually. Oh yes, I'm happy to do it. Eroctron Chibing! Okay. Ahem. Hello from the Magic Tavern. Now on our tenth year. Ooh, that's nice. I like that. I like how that sounds.

You're welcome. A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. Arnie, sorry, small emergency. Okay, because you're so small? Um, yikes. Um, doesn't feel great to hear. Because you're a shapeshifter who's usually a badger, welcome on board new listeners starting at year 10. Oh, I forgot we always get that anniversary influx.

Mm-hmm. People are like, 10 years, now's my time. Should I mention the emergency or should I just sort of swallow it down and keep going? No, tell us, please. Is it- I swallowed a candle. Oh, uh, was it a lit candle? Is that where your tummy's glowing? Yeah.

Okay. I thought maybe you just had some Care Bear magic or something. Some what? It's just an earth thing. It's like a nurse? A bear that's a nurse? Look Ysidor, I hate to ask you this. Could you do a magic spell to get the candle out of Chant's belly?

Sure. Do you want me to bring it back up through his esophagus or just kind of out through the skin? Could you just like make it go away? Can I answer? Oh yeah. No, let's just do what Arnie wants do it. I'm asking you. I'm talking to Arnie right now. Yeah, that's fair. Well, what's the choice? I if it has to be one of those two, I guess up through the throat. I

mean, through the skin sounds bad. Langle dangle, wingo angle, finger fang, go we thank you much better. Okay. All right, guys, I'm gonna start over. Hello. Do you want to keep the candle? Well, we got to head out right? Let's why don't we head to the door? Because I know we need the candle for the night forest. Oh, yeah. Hold on to that. I'll very quickly just because it's such a special episode. Hello from the Magic Tavern. Now on our 10th year, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years, exactly. I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost

in the magical land of Foon and I'm joined as always by my good buds who I just want to say 10 years in I love you both so much I love you Chunt the Talking Badger I love you oh yeah baby I love you too Ornie cousin Arnie Oh and I also love my other co-host Usador the Wizard I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th realm Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow,

Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarrakas, the Elves know me as Fianyalec, the Dwarves know me as Zonan and Huxtangis, and I am known throughout the Northeaster as Gasmanius Maestar. And I love you too, Arnie. Oh, thank you, buddy. Um, I love you both so much. We really, sorry, the Night Forest or the night woods. Is there some call sometimes called once it hits a certain hour, it is impenetrable darkness that you can't return from mentally or physically. So we really should hit the road not to be alarmist.

Oh, yeah, you're right. You're right. You're right. Look, this is a special episode. I really appreciate that you guys have put in the work and got us big big guests the three Castle Kings and Like mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It's I feel like this is gonna drive up our numbers and also while we're there We should pitch them on helping us defeat the Wizards. Yeah, perfect. And Arnie do you mind if we do? What do you you always call it some earth term? Exposition Erin's Erin's work. Sockening Erin's working. Can we walk and talk? Let's walk and talk. Yes All right, everybody in the tavern. You're in charge. Don't steal anything. We're going out. Everyone's in charge You're in charge. You're you're not all equally in charge You guys hate a pee within you decide who's like come up with a managerial system between you

We shall most assuredly return to a bloodbath and chaos. Oh, it is so dark and spooky out tonight. Yes, it is dark and spooky here in these night woods. But fortunately, once we speak to these kings, we'll move past the night woods into the Elwoods and everything there is pink and bright and beautiful. That's it. Okay, we're looking for a brick castle. Okay. Let's see. Let's see. Let's it. Okay, we're looking for a brick castle. Okay.

Let's see, let's see, let's see. Oh, I'm surprised you guys haven't mentioned, since it's such a special occasion, I'm wearing this pink tuxedo. Whoa, Arnie. I just wanted to class it up a little bit, 10 years in. Yeah. Now that we're in our 10th year.

Ooh, that noise still goes off when I just say it otherwise, right? Yeah, 10 years in. Yeah. Now that we're in our 10th year. Ooh, that noise still goes off when I just say it otherwise, right? Yeah, that's never gonna stop. I stopped looking you head to toe up and down at probably anniversary eight maybe, and now I regret it. You look striking, my dude. Thank you.

I'm not wearing shoes though, so don't look all the way to the toes. Whoop, too late. Why did you choose to not wear shoes? I don't know. I was like, I've done enough. Hmm. All right.

Ooh, oh fuck, my nose. Oh, my nose. I ran straight. Oh, that's the castle. It's a brick. You ran. It's a brick wall, yep. Oh fuck.

It's a brick wall, not house. Yeah, it's okay. All right, now knock on this, we'll use this giant knocker. Nice. I knew it. I knew that's what you were gonna say. Ten years.

We know each other. Who goes there? Oh, uh, hello. Uh, we're the hosts from Hello from the Magic Tavern, now on our tenth year. We had talked about having you on our podcast and also maybe forging an alliance? Allow me to open this little peeky door. Hold on. Arnie, I think they expect to be addressed

in a more formal manner than that. Tis I, Yusador, who's upon a great quest here with my two companions, and we seek thine boon companionship so that you may join us in this great endeavor. That's more like it. Can you see? You can only see the upper portion of my face through this little peeky hole. Oh yeah. What is a peeky hole?

It's a very small peeky hole. Beautiful eyes. Listen guys, I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm going to be level with you, okay? I don't actually live here, I'm only staying here because I built my castle of straw and it's really hard to build a house of straw, much less a castle of straw so it got blown down, long story and then I ran to my friend the king of sticks

It's a different day and then I go let's go to the castle of bricks He says who builds a castle of bricks. I said someone with half a light on upstairs So let me just check with my friends and see if I could come in. All right, great. Thank you boys What is what is happening? Mr. King. Please address me as Bu-Pro-Pri-on of Welbutrin. Bu-Pro-Pri-on of Welbutrin. I am Eucidor and I am here to ask thee for thine wondrous wealth and power to join us in our endeavors.

Oh. Well, you may as well come in. Okay. That's good. As good an invite as you ever get from a king. Let's shuffle him. Your majesties? I'm so sorry, First King. I didn't get your name He's talking to oh, yeah, it's just recently I've changed it What caused you to change your name Getting getting it my midlife crisis, right? So I got a new car. I got a new we call it a whip I got a new buggy and a new okay. I got a new baby And I got a new we call it a whip. I got a new buggy and a new okay. I got a new baby And I got a new name is wait is your cart is your new cart the one with the shiny red horse

the Apple horse that's right Beautiful isn't it something? Yeah, he feeds it candy apples. That's why it's so stout Excuse me, I'm not well. Oh, well, let me say that you look hale and hearty, and I hope that you will join us on our quest. I know that they were asking you about the cart. I was much more interested in the new baby. Yeah, new baby, like Austin Powers. Oh.

Oh. Oh, not a new newborn child, a new lady love. A new baby, like Austin Powers. SAM and TALIESIN and SAM and TALIESIN laugh. Oh, not a new newborn child. A new lady love. Although that is on the way, because when you get a new baby, you know. Yes. I'm not well! Oh gosh.

You see, he has acquired the powers of Austin, which giveth and taketh away, although he does have the power to attract new, shiny horses and young women. It is depleting his health. As you may have. I was diagnosed with terminal illness about 84 years ago.

Oh. And this is his midlife crisis. Any day now, right? Very long lived. I'm just happy to be here after my house was just blown to smithereens, but look, I don't run this place. Old Prupsie does, and we've got someone else here, another brother from another lover.

What's the calamity down there? I'm trying to whittle. King of sticks, tis I, Usador, the great blue wizard, and I have come seeking a boon from thee. Derogatory! My name is Timothy, the forest king. I'm Timothy the Eighth. Okay. So sorry. Apologies.

So we should not call you King of Sticks. That's a derogatory term! Okay, I'm sorry. Don't worry, I gotcha. Just because I live in the forest doesn't mean I'm the King of Sticks! You are wittling, though, and you did build a castle out of sticks, I was led to understand. Write what you know, wizard! Will you please come downstairs? Fine!

I forgot I haven't told you my name yet. Afogato? No! Would you like one? I would love an Afogato! Afogato's for all the people here! Thank you! Our service name is Jessup. My name, my new name,

is Dancer. That's quite evocative. Dancer. It, that's quite evocative. Dancer. Yeah, it used to be Richard. Dancer, and King Dancer, if I may, seeing as you were diagnosed 84 some years ago, and this is your midlife crisis, are you enchanted? Are you some sort of special creature?

What's going on? Enchanted, that's right. You bet I am. Ooh. Hey Sticks, you want to see me do that trick with the coin? I don't think I can bear the smell. Alright, we'll save it for later. Hmm.

I'm intrigued personally. Show them the trick then. I already know how it goes. That's how tricks work. Once I know the trick, it's stupid to do it again to me. I don't know how many times I have to how it goes. You can't that's how tricks work. Once I know the trick It's stupid to do it again to me. I don't know how many times I have to tell you this Just a little side sticks is a bit of a sick. It's a bit of a him in the mud I just want to get back to my forest kingdom while they're rebuilding my castle out of sticks

Why would you have them rebuild it out of sticks after what happened? It just fell over in the wind. I'm lousy with straw, and I'm not having them build my castle with straw. I'm having it built with hay. That's straw. What? No, it's not. You do you, Richard. Tell it to a horse, it's straw.

Now then, travelers, it is customary when one visits a king to bring some sort of gift. Ah, indeed. Oh, yes. The tribute we wish to pay to each of thee is this. And we're not sharing one thing. Right, right. Absolutely, of course not.

I wouldn't dream. Take a bit of a pivot. And it's not something we're supposed to grow into. Right, and they all have to be equal cash value. And it better not be clothes. Okay. Furt. Well, King Timothy, my gift to you

is a new trick you've never seen before. I'm interested. Watch my hands. Carefully now, watch. And I've got your nose. Oh god, it's gone. What's his hand smell like? Yes, what does my hand smell like?

I can't smell anything. Oh. I see the nose upon his face, yet I see the nose also peeking out betwixt this wizard's fingers That's better than my coin and yet but with a flick of my wrist. I returned the nose to your face That clearly King Buproian saw you have endeared yourself to me wizard and we will be friends forever Yeah, wonderful Arnie it's your turn to give a gift.

Oh, sure. King Dancer. Just Dancer, it's a one name thing. The king is implied. Okay, the king is silent? It's certainly not inferred. This guy, if I wasn't staying in his place, I'd give him a real what for.

Dancer, this is my humble gift. I sent you going through a midlife crisis. I drew you this picture of a sexy lady Let me take a look sure It's not entirely in that accurate anatomically I've only opened one of the trif-folds. Hold on. Take it slow. Nice eyes. Nice belly. Arnie, you did do a good job of folding it up in a way that the revealing of it is even more erotic

than the actual nudity. Oh my God. Look at this. This reminds me of my first love, Jelly. Like the spread? No, no no the wench her name was jelly no because she used jam shake like she was known as jelly because she used to spread you know it's dark it's dirty it's right I don't really get it It's dirty, it's great. I don't really get it.

What? I'm not well any day now! Any minute! Any minute! You're from another generation. You're 10 or 12 generations ago. So your behavior can be excused. Thank you. I was a different time. You were a different time?

Yes, it's okay. Specifically? Yes, I was. Wow. Yeah. And a dancer, if you look, you okay specifically yes, I was wow yeah, yeah And a dancer if you look you can also fold it's I know it's trifolded But also if you fold it in the sides together This is what my world we would call this mad magazine rules So like you can make it so that like the edges of the picture make a whole new surprising picture Oh my god look look at that.

Her body disappears and her arms connect into her legs and there's two sausages. Mm-hmm. It's not the best one, but you know. This is the best gift I've ever gotten. Oh, thank you. It's much better than the nose thing. And I just, I can't thank you enough.

Here, here's some straw. Oh, thank you. Whoa, Lucky. I Here, here's some straw. Oh, thank you. Whoa, Lucky. I know, it's good. Ah, Chunt, do you have a gift for King Bupropion of Welburton? You creature, what have you brought for Bupropion? I brought you a gift and I hope it's Bupropriate.

Here's a mozzarella wand. This is an appetizer where I come from, Here's a mozzarella wand. This is an appetizer where I come from, which is just kind of 200 feet that way. And not just the mozzarella wand for you to feast upon, but also I brought you a man from another dimension. This is Arnie Necamp. Oh, I'm from another world. Wait, does he own me now?

Wait, so one mozzarella wand, no sauces, and this fellow who's already here. Well, when you repeat it back to me like that, I'm an asshole, sure, but I think if you bite into the mozzarella wand, you're gonna like the way it tastes. Just dry?

Fear not, your majesty. I shall cast for you and conjure forth the most delicious sauce I can imagine. Erof-cholo-kala! Tomato ketchup! Mmm! Whoa. Let me try this. It looks very appetizing.

Okay. It's all right. Let me try a thumb full of it. Why is he putting it on his thumb? What's wrong with putting it on my thumb? Hey, you do you. Yeah. You're from another generation.

Oh, that's my gift. Let me take another peek at that drawn lady. All right, fair's fair. Look at that. All right, not bad. Now let me see the sausages again. Okay, and then look. Look in her navel. There's a miniature village in there.

I'm not trying to be petty or anything, but you got a drawing that turns into a different drawing. You got some cheese. I got this guy who waved his hand in front of my face and I figured out what he did. It was his thumb. He just poked his thumb out between two of his fingers. That wasn't taking my nose.

You mean I just put my nose in that ketchup? Yes. Also, we each brought you each a giant diamond. One for each of you. Oh shit, we should have led with those. Really buried the lead. I'll put this on the pile, shall I? Let me get out my giant jeweler's loop.

This is a good gag, he does this every time. Wow, really looking at a gift diamond in the facet, huh? Guys, if you haven't figured it out, I'm the fun king. Right? I like to have a bit of fun. All right? That's why they call me Dancer. After the reindeer.

You're the only one who calls yourself that. That's not true. They called me that. You won't call me that. Oh, these three? They just met you and you told them to call you that. Richard. I don't know why I can't get respect from you, Sticks. Ah, that's one reason right there.

What? Whatever quarrels may exist betwixt the three of you, let them be set aside for but a moment, for the exchanging of gifts has transpired, and now I come beseeching your help. The wizards have gathered their power and are doing terrible things here in Fu- Who? The wizards, the wizards, my former brethren, like Spintax the Green and Genlevia the Red, they've become terrible and powerful and hateful in their, as they amass land and power. And I beseech you three kings to join us in an effort to overthrow their evil reign. I don't know.

It's such a small percentage of people in the kingdom. The wizards, what percentage do they make up even? Why are they a problem? There's like one percent of the population is easily wizards, I would say. It sounds small. But they're taking up more than their fair share of the resources. Exactly. I mean, I've been reading up on this and it's more like the 1% of the 1%. Oh.

Yes. Well, we did write a song to try and convince you. Why don't we sing you that song while we take a quick break and we'll be right back with the three kings. Oh boy. Sounds good. Can I dance to it? Please. while we take a quick break and we'll be right back with the three kings. Oh boy. That sounds good. Can I dance to it?

Please. Expect nothing less. All right. Here we go. Arnie Isidore, I'm up here. I'm down here. I'm not participating. We'll be right back.

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Because it's time to get into it. Holla at your girl! Beseech you three. That calico cat was working so much harder than the other two. So many verses. Can I have some water? What do I look like, the king of the stream? Get him some water water Twiggy. I was pretty proud of rhyming compunction with destruction even though it's a bit of a slant rhyme. A bit?

Yeah. Rhymes so slant of it's fallen over. Oh my god, you're gonna take my throne as the fun king. Now then these wizards. We've had dealings with them before, of course. Wizards do tend to travel around and run into kings now and again. I can't say that I care for them over much. especially as of late have become quite reprehensible. But know this, know that Ysador, the wizard here before you is humble to your kingliness and to your majesty. Yet you still have your hat on. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Excuse me, it's just that I didn't get a chance to comb my hair today and I- Actually, looking at your hair, put the hat back on. Put it back on. You've got to do it. You've got to put it back on. You've got to put it back on, actually.

I get it now, but I apologize. Oh no, my apologies. King, King Wellbutrin of, well, of- King Bupropion of Wellbutrin. Sorry. You seem like such a wise king and I feel like you, you know, I feel calmed in your presence. Like you're reducing my anxiety

and slightly dampening my appetite, just being close to you. How these wizards are, maybe they aren't attacking your kingdom right now, but eventually they're a threat to all of Foon. Would you commit some amount of your forces and resources to joining our fight? But why should I?

If I have my own resources protecting me, should I not just sit in my brick-ed castle and wait until all of Foon is decimated by these wizards? And then I can look out and say, I'm good. Oh, and then you'd be the king of everything, I suppose. That's a good point. Ani, I never thought of that. Yeah, and in retrospect, it's a mistake to go to the king

in the brick castle first. Like, that's the- Well, the other castles aren't standing anymore, are they? We're working on it. Ooh, ooh, ask me, ask me! You take this one, Ysidor. Dancer, would you be willing to commit your forces to the cause of defeating the wizards?

Hmm, my brother in mistress ship, which is to say baby's brother, he's a wizard, and I'd be breaking family connections if I did that. So, I like the diamond, I like the drawing. But what else is in it for old Dancer, huh? You know, it'd go wet his beak a little bit. Well, I don't want to cast Dispersions, Your Majesty, but you are kind of living at someone else's castle right now.

It's not a great look for a king. I heard that. And that wasn't a threat when he said cast dispersions that way. He's not going to. That's not a spell, right? You said or no, no, not a spell. Well, listen, when I asked what was it for me, I didn't think I'd get a morality lesson. Right.

No. Why, you thought it's an opportunity to reintroduce yourself to Olifun? In committing some great feat in overthrowing the wizards, you would regain your former stature. Oh, really? Yes, of course. And then there'd be celebrations and perhaps dancing. Yes, so much dancing. Did I forget to mention if

we defeat the Wizards we're definitely having a dance party I'm any minute any minute now oh he's laying down some cardboard what's going on what's he about oh this again oh, this again! Oh, what do you mean, this again? You guys, everybody step back! It's never gotten any better! I'm about to get fucking incandescent! I have to tell you three, this is gonna look like it's hurting him. He assures us it doesn't hurt. Okay, here I go.

Oh, God, it hurts! Oh, my Christ, heaven hurts! God, this is in heaven! Oh, God, Earth! Oh, my Christ, Heaven, Earth! God is in heaven. Oh, Jesus H. Oh. May the goddesses save him. Jesus H. Earthly reference, Christ, Earth. He's sort of spitting on his head.

OK. He's not meaning to do that, by the way. He's desperately trying to stand up. Oh, he's breaking his own neck. Help him. And stand up. Oh, he's breaking his own neck. Help him, help him. And jazz hands. Oh. Oh.

Very good, very nice. What's so sad about that display is that he says in his kingdom he's a professor of dance. I don't say it, I am. It's truth. It's the gospel. You're the king of your kingdom. You could say you're a professor of whatever you want and your dumb subjects would have to believe you.

Yeah, but then why do they all sign up for my classes then, Sticky? Because they live in that hay hellhole up in the west. There's nothing else to do. He who lives in stick houses should not throw chainsaws. Now of course, Timothy, we must also ask you, as the king of the forest, would you be willing to commit your forces to helping to overthrow the terrible wizard uprising?

I don't know. I mean, I gotta be honest with you. It was about, I don't know, eight or ten years ago, I hired a wizard to go through the forest and make sure everything was growing properly, that there was no waste, that everything was being pollinated, and that the seeds were growing properly. I gave him full authority to do whatever he wanted to check up on the forest and make sure the kingdom was working the way it's supposed to be working without any forest waste. And you can see how that turned out. I mean, I... Yeah, sure, my castle fell over,

and I have to live here with these two. But otherwise, you know, he basically ran my kingdom for me. So everything's great. Why don't we put this whole wizard thing on hold for a second? What exactly did happen to your kingdoms? Richard? Uh, I don't know that name.

Dancer? Thank you. What happened to your castle? You apparently had a beautiful castle made of straw and uh... Yeah, you know, I'm just putting this together right now. There is this big, bad wizard, right? Yeah. And he comes, first he comes to my castle, made of straw, made very soundly of straw, loam, mud, and pitch. Oh, he's pulling down a paper curtain to do interpretive dance while he tells the story.

That's right, I am. You got him right. Oh no. Alright, there's no other way to say it. I mean, why even use words? There are other ways to say it! Why even use words when I can use moves? When I can use these hips that God gave me? I definitely don't want to watch this, but I'll cast a spell to backlight it. Gaelic Licton Comma!

Oh, that's artsy, I like that. I'm just a silhouette in aura. All right, it goes a little something like this. A big bad wizard came to my straw castle and said, Let me in by the hair of my, by the tip of my hattity hat hat. Okay? Yeah. And I said, not by the, no wait, he said, let me in, let me in.

And I said, I says to him, of course, this doesn't sound good spoken, but as you can see, it's brilliant visual. Yeah, beautiful. The way you're moving your body. Oh wow look the way he's dancing the way he's sort of undulating with his body you can see that he's The the castle the the wizard and himself all at the same time wow Yeah, yeah, and I says not by the paw of my strawry straw straw I says not by the power of my strawry straw straw right and and he goes what? Between your accent and and the the lost and translation from the original wolf story I don't know what you're talking about and so you just he cast a wind spell and he blew down my castle of straw

Now step back because he ends it by pulling a rope and then a bucket of water falls over him. Don't blow it! They're sitting in the splash zone because it's a surprise! You can't- how many times must I tell you? It's unethical to surprise people with a splash zone! No, there's a certain amount of volume of water that's a fun little gimmick. Anything over that is just- it's an offense, but I'm- You must at least distribute ponchos. Your majesty, we can resolve this right now.

Let's do a quick poll. If you're in the audience of an entertainment, say a circus or a theatrical production, how wet do you expect to get? I would say, if I'm 20% wet when I leave, I'm fine. There's water world wet, there's Galaga wet, and there's SeaWorld wet, all right? Now, I don't want, I'm gonna outdo him, all right?

Because you come into a dancer show, you expect a certain amount of spectacle. Anyway, that's my story. Take it over, Sticky. Well, I told you, I let the guy sort of assess how efficient my forest is and then basically same as Richard, but with sticks. But I came to your place. That's right. He came. He showed up. This guy dances his way in. All of the women in the forest, by the way, love this guy. Going crazy for me.

I don't understand it. I mean, you've seen it, I don't really get it. But these women, they won't shut up about it. They just on and on and on about look at the guy with the whole shadow thing or whatever he's doing. Oh, but Your Majesty. I've got sticks to sharpen. I've got axe handles to make. Keep in mind, I'm not well,

and I'm still plowing all this trim, right? That's really saying something. Yeah, I would appreciate it if you didn't talk about my subjects, like they're just, you know, faceless, warm bodies for you to do your pleasure business with. Oh, God, I thought he was talking about yard work. No, I wish he would do some yard work. There's plenty of leaves that we gotta get rid of. Oh, I've been talking about yard work. No, I wish he would do some yard work. There's plenty of leaves that we gotta get rid of. Oh, I've been doing some yard work.

Arnie, I don't know if you heard earlier, he's literally from his own time. That's true. Your majesty, King Timothy, you have your own charms. Surely there's a comely maiden who you've turned your eye to who would happily become your queen. I've been married to my dead wife for 20 years. Who you've you've turned your eye to who happily become your queen? I I've been married to my dead wife for 20 years now

Any married her off to she died Business transaction We had to incorporate into the forest, okay, okay, okay. Wait, you married a dead woman for the fertilizer? I gotta tell ya, I didn't know she was dead, okay? But I believe that marriage is forever, and so, you know, read the fine print, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. I don't even have the energy to walk over there and give you a fucking wedgie.

Oh, look, one of Dancer's, seems like a soldier or some sort of guardsman is walking over. Hey Smacked one of the force guards. Whoa It's good to be the king that's not I made that up Can I ask what is the relationship like between the three of you that with one of your castles gets destroyed? Is it just kingly kindness that you let each other into your castles? Or are you closer buds than your average monarchs? It is incumbent upon a king whose castle is still standing to welcome one who is in a weakened

state as a measure of grandiosity, of generosity. And also, it feels good to have a king come groveling. Sure, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. It's true, it's tradition. Do you think I wanted to go stay at a little twiggy over here? I don't want to live here. I am trying my hardest to get out of here, and my subjects are working around the clock

to rebuild an exact replica of the wooden castle that fell down With the wind spell from that wizard who is big and also bad to me It seems as if you spend your day looking at engravings and eating Arrows fired. Oh my god. I am reading a wooden tablet Oh, was it made out of the wall from your castle? What if it was? Oh, all three are setting one of their darts to the middle and they're all just smacking each other.

This must be how kings fight. I guess so. So it's so great though that like, you know, if one of you is in need, you have the kindness to open your doors to them. Do you do that same sort of thing for your subjects if like any of their houses are destroyed? No Are you kidding me? So the the people of your kingdoms

Dancer and King Timothy where where are they now? They're they're back in your kingdoms rebuilding That's the thing in my kingdom. Nothing happened to to their homes It was just my castle that fell down so they're out there in the woods eating all the acorns they desire Doing whatever it is. They want to do with birch bark and elm leavens Follow question what that's life in the forest, baby Does elm do leavens like droppings from Elm? What would you know about it, grass man? Oh, okay.

It's not grass, all right? I'll admit I could watch this all day. We don't allow our little servants, we only let them do physical roustabouts. They don't get to bandy about with wit and words. That's the provenance of a king. Of course that makes sense. And dancing.

The problem with having subjects is that they're so often in need and there's so much as a king you need to provide and so sometimes it's best to just throw up your hands and say, well, you'll get nothing and like it. Yeah, that's right, that's right. You get overwhelmed, you see, it's so much. Please, your majesty, give us food.

Please, your majesty, give us shelter. And it's like anything else while I'm at it. Please, your majesty, give us love. Give us passion passion give us dancing That's what they say to me all right. They do. I really doubt they're saying that I just I have to say it It's just not believable old boy. Okay. All right. It's sort of death by a thousand requests. It sounds like Exactly this guy gets it There's a lot of things that we disagree about but one of the things that we do agree about is our

Subjects are so damn needy. I disagree. Oh god Can we all collectively do a mental exercise like so now close everyone close your eyes. All right Okay Now this involve the coin because last time I did this there was a coin and it didn't smell good I haven't even told you what I did, but that's basically the gist of it It's it's instead of it's it's called smell my coin and you can figure it out It's so funny and something my subjects fucking go crazy for there's no way they do. It's like it's abusive. No, it's great here smell my coin Chunk use it or I feel like our eyes are closed, but I don't think the King's eyes are closed

Sorry, I didn't know you meant both eyes. All right, and you're talking to us. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry your your majesty's Yeah, Kings aren't used to taking commands. Oh, yeah Onyx, kings aren't used to taking commands. Oh, ugh. They're willing to turn a blind eye, but not willing to close their eyes on behalf of a regular human. Hmm. Your Majesty's, would you be interested

in joining me in a rival game? Oh! Let me save you some trouble. The phrase you're looking for is, I'd hereby humbly request. Dot, dot, dot. Okay. I hear by humbly request.

I'm listening. Oh, nice. We all close our eyes. We'll do it. When you say we, you see that's a tricky phrase for us as kings. Right, right. Because that just means, when I hear we, you see that's a tricky phrase for us as kings. Right, right.

Because that just means, when I hear we, that means me. Hmm, okay. How do you talk about kings collectively then? When I say we, you say me, we. Me. Oh, me? I suppose the plural of we would be we's? Yes, yes.

We humbly request that all of wheeze close our eyes together. Hmm. I shall consider it, and yes, I exceed to your terms. Oh, excellent. I gotta be honest with you, my eyes have been closed since the start of this thing.

When you first asked, so I have been, is it okay to keep them closed? Of course. Yes. Whatever you want, Your Majesty. And I'm so near-death that my eyes will remain open, but I am 100% legally blind. Okay. That works too. You've been talking to that tapestry since we got here.

Oh, that's no accident. That's my best friend, Chip. So, Your Majesty's, I humbly request that in your kingly imaginations, you imagine what it's like when a king loses his home. I don't have to imagine it. I don't have to imagine it. I'm actually, I did that have to imagine it. I'm actually I did that happened The wound is too fresh now take that feeling that a king feels and

transpose it on Like let's not say let's say like a lord or a Duke having that exact same like losing their Castle, can you imagine them have feeling the same things that you feel? Can I imagine? This is very tricky because I'm supposed to imagine how I would feel if something happened to me that could never happen to me.

But then also you're asking me to imagine how someone would feel if it did happen to them You're saying someone who? Does not have divine right or the blood of God flowing in his veins Excellent point your majesty Well, I think I see where Arnie is going here imagine this then I don't know why we spent so much time closing our eyes and we could just imagine things Well, I think I see where Arnie is going here. Imagine this then. I don't know why we spent so much time closing our eyes

and we could just imagine things. But. I mean, it's better when you close your eyes. It does help. Collectively, can you all agree it was kind of better when you closed your eyes? I will admit it does help. I like it, it's a great equalization.

All right, well then keep your eyes closed. I'll say as we entered the castle, I did see a decree of rules, sort of framed in glass, and it said you shall not imagine in front of the kings with your eyes open. I think that makes them think that you're not engaged with what they're saying. Oh no.

Plus I notice everyone still has their shoes on. My apologies. I'm so sorry. Yes, Arnie came without shoes on already. Imagine that you feel hungry. You know what it's like to be hungry from time to time. And then someone brings you a feast and you enjoy that feast, of course, right?

I always enjoy a feast. Excellent. Now imagine that no one brought a feast. What? Imagine that no feast was e'er coming. Do you mean even when I ring the bell? And imagine there's no bell to ring. Wha?

Wh- Wha? Whoa, that really sent him. No bell to ring, no feast arriving. Oh, he's crashing out. I feel despondent and sad. He looked panicked for a moment when you said no bell. He actually looked over to make sure

that his bell was still there. I did, I'm guilty, I did lose. That's fair. And that is why your constituency, your humble servants, those who live within your kingdom, sometimes come to you asking for more because they have no beltering. They have no feast.

That's why the rabble cries out. Exactly. I thought they were just doing it to make noise. No, this is not a rabble of boredom, but rather a rabble of hunger. You're sure they don't do it because they like doing it? I mean, some of them like doing it, but they're also hungry.

You have given us much to think about, and when I say us, I mean me. Of course, the royal us. The royal us. We should take a quick break while you ponder these deep, meaningful epiphanies. To the break! Meaningful epiphanies. To the break! Hey, I'm Cassie DePeckel, the host of Wanderer's podcast Against the Odds.

In our next season, I'm telling the story of four American rock climbers who were kidnapped by rebel militants in the remote mountains of Kyrgyzstan. The group was taken at gunpoint and forced to hike through brutal terrain under the cover of night to avoid detection by the Kyrgyz army. With little to no food or water provided by their captors, the young climbing team had to struggle through severe dehydration and hunger. Finally, they realized they would have to fight for their lives to escape. It's a thrilling story of survival in the face of violence and terror, and doing whatever

it takes to make it home alive. Follow Against the Odds on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Binge the entire season ad-free right now only on Wondery+. Start your free trial in the Wondery app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify today. At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again.

So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get

your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Ysador. I don't know how you did it, but I feel like you actually were able to teach the king some amount of empathy with your whole Nobel analogy. Like, you should get some kind of prize for that. Yes, that's an excellent point. It's much the way I was taught empathy.

Someone said, what if you're hungry, Ysador? And I was like, well, I just cast a spell. And they said, what if you couldn't cast a spell? And I was like, get the hell out of here. And I turned them into a dog. And Chunt, you're doing great too. Love you, buddy. Oh, thanks.

Your majesty's. Yes? Speak, speak with him. Now that you have learned the power of empathy, we beseech thee, will you use your great power and wealth to assist those beneath you who are so unable to protect themselves?

I will, but when I say that, I mean just my kingdom. Okay. Just my humble rabble. I never saw them that way before. You have opened mine eyes. I'm going to get a ratty cloak and walk around

and see what they really think of me. But I cannot help anyone else. I've got to put my own mask on first, do you understand? Sure. To walk around in the guise of a beggar. Arnie, Arnie, this is an idea for another podcast for us, Under Cloak King. That's pretty good.

Oh yeah, like he goes and he works in like a blacksmithery, and he's like, so what do we do, like what's, how much do we make and how much do we steal? As long as he's not super obvious about it, and he's always kind of of like oh boy. What do you think of that king of ours, huh? Where's that putty I have to make a big crazy nose All right, all right, I feel like I gotta go take the pulse of my kingdom as well I'm gonna put on an old ratty Unit odd a dancer's unit odd, but it's very threadbare and stretched,

and there's runs in the nylon in very strategic areas. They look accidental, but what they really are is a sort of peek beyond the portal. You know what I mean? Dancer, I have excellent news for you. What's that? You're ready to go. Since you're legally blind, you may not know that you've

described exactly the attire you have on right now. Mission accomplished. Let me just, you just need a little zhuzh. Let me grab off the wall here, just a little moss and now you are totally mossy. Oh my god, I've never felt better and I'm not well. Oh, just let me know at the last minute when you need my decision and I'll give it to you. All right, just last thing you do. Let these other two people decide. Sure. And then come to me last and I will give you my final verdict. Of course, of course.

It's done. Yeah, yeah, they're not just people. They're kings. Don't don't be rude. The castle made of straw and a constituency of two cows and a pig. Okay, all right. Don't make me challenge you to a dance off,

so better watch it. King Timothy, how shall you disguise yourself to learn more? Well, the people of the forest are a little bit different than the grass folk and the stone throwers that have allowed me to stay in this castle. We take care of ourselves and each other. And so I don't need to put on a fancy costume. I'm only wearing this fern.

And so what I'd like to do is offer some support from the woodsy people that I rule over. And we will give you 38 hemlock poles and all the aspen shavings you can eat. And if that doesn't help your cause, I don't know what will. I humbly request one last boon of you. I thank thee for this great gift of leftover plant things. Leavings, oh, you said leavings. But I humbly request one last thing. Can you say Deborah for me?

Deborah. Thank you. Everybody loves Forrest Gigg. All right, so if I'm hearing this right, well, Buterin, he's in. Sticky, he's more or less in. All right, so if I'm if I'm hearing this right well putrin easy Sticky he's more or less in but for a king Kingship treaty to be ratified. It's got to be all free. It's got to be unanimous you understand I didn't realize you also heard wrong none of us are in

Not really I mean I'm gonna give them a bunch of stuff that I have sort of like left over from when my castle fell down and hopefully they'll just go away. I just specifically said I'm going to take care of my own people. I heard it differently. Alright, let me take that again. It seems like King Bupropion has made some progress in having empathy for his subjects, but nothing beyond that. It's only five people.

Let me put it this way. Well, Butrin, he's out. He was never in. Nobody thought he was. Old Sticky, he's giving you a pittance. It ain't worth a thing. But me, old Dancer, Dancer's got your back. Dancer's gonna help you out.

I'm gonna pledge everything I've got. An army, food, resources, munitions, material, and oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, not well. Oh, this is it. Oh no, oh no. Oh no. Can we get that in writing real quick? No, he, I think.

No, he's definitely dead. He's dead. He did the splits. He's dead. He died in the splits. Would that be considered a verbal contract? I'm not as familiar. No, kings lie all the time.

Oh shit. Yes, they're well known liars. You would have to get something with a signature inked on it and a wax seal. Yes, it's a whole thing. A bird has to approve it. That's the only way it's official. But on the bright side, you have those wood shavings.

We do have those wood shavings. They're delicious. I suppose if we're going to pot a plant and we need something to put around the edge of the potted plant should be in good shape. I thank thee, your majesties, both of you. Are you leaving without taking all the hemlock poles that I'm supplying you?

Chunt, that's up to you. Do you want those or not? I'll grab whatever can fit in my pocket. They're pretty long, these poles! The poles are pretty long, Chunt. It's not really fitting in my pocket. I'll take one as a walking stick. Should we, um, should we at least attempt CPR or...?

No. I wouldn't. Did you see how old he was? He's older than me and I'm fucking ancient. If you'd like to put your lips on those lips, be my guest, but couldn't be me. I know a few ladies who wouldn't mind it. Ugh!

God, throw some death. What is that? Throw some death. What? Wait a minute, see? That was his death innuendo. No, wizard, don't smell the coin. Oh, oh, oh!

It worked. It worked. Brave trio. Don't smell the coin. Oh Brave trio I Regret that I cannot assist you but before you go I would like to bestow upon you this gift of One brick Use it as you would Wow Thank you. Thank you. My leash Will you excuse me for just one moment? Gramercy is your majesty. Chunt, you start. Yes.

I'm not as familiar with these kings, so I can't really tell. Are they just shitty kings? Like, do they just not have a lot to contribute? Or are they just dicking us around? I can't really tell which it is. I'd say we're doing pretty well. We got a brick and some and some hemlock poles

When you're talking to Kings, usually they're like off with their head or throw them in the dungeon and we didn't get any of that Yes, that's true. Our lives have not been threatened. Yes, not once not to mention We got a dance performance that I'll never forget. That's true. It's a pretty good brick not one with the holes Yeah, yes solid brick. It's very good Not one with the holes. Yes, solid brick is very good. We're very grateful for this brick, and we shall put it to the greatest of use. Maybe you could find a way to combine it with the poles

or the shavings that I've given you, and then you could really get something going. Yes, once I attach this brick to the end of one of these hemlock poles, I shall most assuredly smash in the skulls of my enemies. Those wizards are fucked. Yeah, got a little knockout stick. Thank you. Yeah, wow.

Um, who? Uh, uh, uh, King Welbutron. Welb, Welb meaning... King Eupropion of Welbutron. Yeah, as you, uh, uh, same. Um... King, have you ever noticed some people know you by Eupropion and some people know you by Welbutron? Just, do you ever noticed some people know you by Eupropion and some people know you by Welbutrin?

Just, do you ever notice that before? There are also those who refer to me as Chantix, but that's another person. King, you mentioned you have only five subjects, is that correct? Yes. The Rebel. Could you name them? Sure. Um, ooh, what's the tall one's name? Could you name him? Sure.

Ooh, what's the tall one's name? It's not good when he struggles with the first one. Stephen? Stephen? I think his wife's name is Reggie. Okay. Her name is Rachel, she's a nice lady. If you say so. That's two.

Then they have a little one that looks like Steven. His name goes Little Steven. Three. He wears a scarf around his head always. So, so far it's a married couple and their kids. I suspect he's bald. And he wears the scarf to disguise it Yes, King. Do you rule over just the just the fact just one family? Well now now hold on

I haven't named the other two subjects. Okay, my bad my bad. Um, there's a little Reggie one What is her name? Let's call her Dolores and then it is Dolores and then finally the smallest Member of my kingdom these little brown guy Sounds like a dog Not much in the way of clothing just a sort of collar with studs on it, so he may be into some kinky stuff. Very hairy.

Doesn't speak English. Hmm. Okay. So, his name, and his name is like, Sparta Rover or something or that sort of thing. Champ Biscuit. Biscuit. Oh, Biscuit. That's a good, sounds like a good boy.

Kinky boy, good boy. He's a good kinky boy. It sounds like a good boy. Kinky boy, good boy. He's a good kinky boy. Well, it sounds like we've come to the worst possible kingdom in the worst possible timeline. So we shall be on our way.

No offense, of course. No offense. No offense, of course. None taken? You know what? I'm getting tired of groveling to kings. I expected our system of monarchy to protect us from the wizards, and I guess we shouldn't turn away any support, any support is something, but I'm just getting tired of it.

I'm honestly, fuck you kings. Fuck you kings, fuck you kings, fuck you kings. I'm glad I'm dead. Did everyone just hear that in their heads? Yes. He does that. It's part of the coin trick. Well, this is how it is, isn't it?

You always end up eating your own. Things, you want things to be exactly as you want them to be. You're waiting for some perfect little miracle. Well, that's not how life works. Very well then. I'm sorry we didn't pass your purity test. One of us didn't even survive it. Hey.

Was it our fault? He was very old. He's not well. He wasn't well, and he continues not to be well. I'm the most not well you can ever be. Well, well, fine. That's good. That's grand.

We're not even going to gonna ask you we had another issue Which was we have this baby and I think I'm the rightful parent and Arnie thinks he's the rightful parent And we don't know what to do in that situation any insight there tough guys Hmm. Let me see. Let me see that baby. Yeah Don't give it to dancer. Give it to me, we started with two regular people fighting over a baby, and now we have two kings fighting over a baby. I'll take the baby. Give it to me. I'll handle it. I asked first. Give me the baby. I got this.

It's a baby potato, I should say, or it's a baby... What is your name, the pink one with no shoes? Oh, Arnie. I'm from another world. Arnie. You... Yeah, you are not the father. Okay. Look at him dance. Whoa, whoa, wait, why am I so... I guess I'm just happy for my friend.

Thank you for resolving this terrible dilemma for us. We shall be on our way, and should the forces of the wizards arrive at your kingdom, King Buproprian of Wilbutrin, I hope that you defend your five subjects to the best of your ability. And King Timothy, I know that you have a good relationship with your subjects, and I hope that you do everything you can to protect them as well. If you cannot help us in this greater cause, I wish you all to be safe. And please,

please, check on the Straw Kingdom. Maybe like take them in or just burn it down. I don't know. Do I like that second one? Yeah, it seems like that's kind of a lost cause anyway, so I don't know if you're gonna really help them or not. Well, we appreciate your words of warning, and now don't let the drawbridge hit you in the arse on the way out. That's worth coming back for. Bye! Bye, bye. Well, you sort of felt like that could have gone better. I'm sorry I sort of snapped and started saying fuck you to all those kings

No, it was it was frustrating. It seemed to not Not care about anybody, but themselves am I crazy right? At least they didn't have us killed. Yeah, we did threaten to Shackle us or behead us or anything. I thought that I thought they went great. Oh wait. Oh shit. I forgot We we we did all the stuff about the wizards but I forgot I was gonna ask them if each of them would do some like promo read about being our 10th anniversary. I think I could sneak back in and get the king. Oni, Oni, Oni, let's go. Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. We should just go. I mean it would be pretty great if we had like a king, hey this is King Bupropion of Welbutrin and happy 10th anniversary to the magic tap. No, no. The odds of anyone hearing anything after King Wellbutrin said that drawbridge is going to hit your ass on the way out. We're going to cut all this. Don't worry about it.

Yeah. Oh, actually, you sir, we give me that the pole with the brick attached to it. There you go. Thank you. And go back to the castle, find the cornerstone and give that a good the castle oh yeah shit we got blood it's pouring down

I don't feel a thing well guys happy ten years did I fuck up that anniversary episode by yelling at those kings? No, certainly not. Not at all. Happy 10 year to you as well, Arnie. I think we just picked the wrong kings. Yeah. Yes, these kings were somewhat lackluster, somewhat subpar, I would say. Some of the most embarrassing and pathetic kings I've ever known.

Frankly, I hope they're never on the show again. Well, I I'd have them back on, I guess. Or maybe maybe people with a similar vibe. Maybe not them. There may be three guests that have a sort of similar vibe. Yeah. Well, happy 10th anniversary to both of you. I love you, Arnie. I love you, Trunt. Ysidor, I love you Arnie.

I couldn't be happier to be continuing to fight the forces of evil with the two of you at my side. Same, and actually I got you, I didn't want, I bought it for the kings but I was holding it for you guys. I actually got you guys a gift. Here's some myrrh. Oh, that's wonderful. I got you some gold. Yeah, it's gold for both of you. Wow, that's way nicer than murder. Thank you. I got you guys both these books by Al Franken. Oh.

Okay. These books make a lot of sense. Okay, I bought them used. There are a lot of them in the used bookstore. Oh, yeah Yeah, cool Yeah, I look forward to reading that yeah, and you know what guys we can celebrate our 10th anniversary all year long Damn, that's true. It's a year-long celebration. That's a married Chunk my chum said damn well you you said after handing us the Alfranken book you said you can sell and then you said bright I thought you're gonna say we could sell the books cuz yeah, well also you can sell the books. Oh, thank you already That's the best. That's the best gift you could give me

Yeah, although I will say those books are signed inside with a really nice note from whoever previously owned those books To people in their lives, but not from me, but yeah. Let me see here. Hey buddy, so proud of you. Keep up the good work and keep chopping broccoli from Dana Carvey. Cool. Mine says the same thing.

Wait a second. I got to have a whole box of these. These are all signed by Dana Carvey for some reason why would he do that? I don't know, but this guy is chopping broccoli. He's chopping broccoli He's chopping broccoli well. Let us celebrate the entire year may the skies are light with fireworks and let all of our Wonderful listeners yell out their salutations and celebrations to us All right, I'll talk to you both next week. Yeah, thanks, I'll see you guys later.

But I love you, I love you. Yeah, bye. Love you guys, happy birthday. Happy 10 year, 10 year. Happy 10 year, happy 10 year. I love our friendship, now when it's 10th year. Chapter one, you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, Arnie likes you.

Ooh, I might actually read this. I can think of no better way for the 10th year anniversary episode of a podcast to end than with a proud testimonial to the joys of reading. Don't worry, I'm holding off on that note from Arnie until the last possible moment. Usual the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Refai. Doncer the King of Straw was played by Matt Gourley. Beupropion of Wellbutrin the King of Bricks was played by Paul F. Tompkins.

Timothy, the King of Sticks was played by Mark McConville. When asked for a plug, Mark said, I'd like to plug going outside, walking around, and getting some fresh air. And they say virtue signaling is a lost art. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode where Arnie, Chunt and Usador encounter a joke of the day calendar. Alright, so let's I would like to to hear what you guys think of this.

And also, off mic, you guys are really fun. We hang out, we joke around. I know you guys have a sense of humor that isn't really represented on the podcast. So maybe you can help. Maybe we can see if we can come up with jokes that are as good as the ones in this calendar. Oh, yeah.

OK, that sounds fun. And I am taking notes just because I want to be studious about this. Did you say it's joke of the day or joke of the day? What are the two options? Was it joke of the day or joke of the day? Like, oh, apostrophe F or apostrophe are options. Well, um... Who really got hung up on this?

Layup. Didn't think this would be this difficult. Well, let's bring the episode to a halt to figure this out. Huh. Guys, this is what happens when I try to do comedy. Sure. And where it goes from there, pretty much everyone can predict. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit Patreon.com slash Magic Tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer, Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Red Keener. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Hmm, that's all the credits. Well like a DMV vision exam, I've put this off as long as I possibly can.

Here's the unedited message that Arnie wrote and asked me to read on his behalf. Hello, this is Arnie from Earth, the real one. Thank you so much for listening to at least this episode and hopefully more. It's hard to know how to properly commemorate 10 years, so we just did a regular episode with returning guests that we love and admire, and we reserve the right to continue to celebrate the 10 year anniversary for at least the next few months until we forget to keep doing it. We have a lot of fun stuff already recorded and fun stuff planned. Thank you to everyone who listens to the show, who tell friends to listen, or post about us on

message boards, or whatever social media platform you can stomach these days. Thank you to everyone that supports or has supported the Patreon, which is the main reason, besides our personal passion, why the show is still able to exist at all. I want to thank everyone who works on the show or has worked on the show. Every name in the credits of every episode represents a person who has put an incredible amount of work and love into this very silly show. This may be weird, but I also want to thank the show itself. It continues to mean an awful lot to me.

We frequently get emails from listeners who have been going through hard things, losing loved ones, losing jobs, feeling scared or unloved. We get far more emails from people asking about Sean's buttholes, but still. It's a significant number of emails telling us that the show has helped them get through something. And I want to acknowledge that the show frequently does the same thing for me. It helps me through. Every time a guest comes back I am so sincerely happy to see my friends again. And when I say my friends I mean my real friends playing the characters, and I also mean my friends the characters they play, who are just as real to me. I'm sure it's not healthy to have a parasocial relationship with my own podcast, but it is what it is.

To me, Arnie Niekamp, who I remind you is now writing this, the show is absolutely not real. But, at the same time, it absolutely is real. I hold both in my heart. And not sometimes one, sometimes the other, but always both together at the same time. To me, that's the point. To me, that's the magic. To me, that's the magic. Finally, I want to thank someone who almost never gets mentioned in these credits.

Tim Sniffin. He is a joy to collaborate with, has been here since the beginning, and he is not so secretly the funniest part of every episode. And I will never forgive him for that. But I am pleased with myself that I wrote this way too long, way too sincere script, that I'm sure is paining him greatly to read. And in the end, that's what it's all about. Thanks again. Let's all meet back here again next week. Sincerely, Robot Arnie.

So concludes the note. I'd like to add one thing. In the past, I've only been able to mentally disassociate for short bursts at a time, so willfully losing consciousness for however long that was, taking a guess I'm going to say four and a half hours, is a real personal best. And that's something we can all celebrate. Happy 10th, everyone! Imagine this. You help your little brother land a great job abroad. But when he arrives, the job doesn't exist.

Instead, he's trapped in a heavily guarded compound, forced to sit at a computer and scam innocent victims. All while armed guards stand by with shoot-to-kill orders. Scam Factory, the explosive new true crime podcast from Wondery, exposes a multi-billion dollar criminal empire, operating in plain sight. Told through one family's harrowing account of sleepless nights, desperate phone calls, and dangerous rescue attempts. Scam Factory reveals a brutal truth.

The only way out is to scam their way out. Follow Scam Factory on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Scam Factory early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus.