Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 48 - Chronicler (w/Richard Kind & Erin Kief Live from SF Sketchfest)

Episode Date: March 17, 2025

Recorded live at Club Fugazi as part of San Francisco Sketchfest. The King's Chronicler visits to discuss his chronicling process and he brings along a small familiar guest. Okay, it's Momo.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSteven Anonymous: Richard KindMomo the Mouse: Erin KeifMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSpecial Thanks: Janet Varney, SF Sketchfest and Club FugaziNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Indeed.com slash wonder ECA. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring Indeed is all you need. I'm John Robbins and joining me on How Do You Coat this week is the fitness coach, cookbook writer and social media personality personality Joe Wicks. There was something about physical exercise and yeah I suppose pushing myself physically meant that I didn't need to talk about what was going on at home.

There was this fear around could I talk about my mum and dad's addiction and mental health because I thought I'd be taken away. So that's How Do You Cope with me John Robbins. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Yes, ten years and one episode later, back to mindlessly chugging along. Doesn't get more on the bus at the end of The Graduate than that. I should mention a special thanks to the iHeartRadio Podcast Awards, which just last week awarded

Hello from the Magic Tavern Best Fiction Podcast. Fiction. Best Fiction Podcast. If you won't believe me, believe iHeartRadio. Heads up, this episode is a recording of our San Francisco SketchFest live show, recorded on January 19th at Club Fugazi with special guest Richard Kind. Alongside a million other roles, you know him as Bing Bong from Inside Out, the imaginary friend who sacrifices himself so Joy can escape out of the psychological equivalent of the

Grand Canyon filled with snow globes. Because sometimes imaginary characters threaten to outstay their welcome, and I can't think of a better segue into saying, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Mekim, the greatest warrior in all of FUN. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. More or less 10 years ago, give or take, depending on when we release this episode to the main feed.

I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of FUN. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through that dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern the Wanderlost where we all are now in the magical land of FUN. And I gotta say it's it's packed in the tavern tonight. And as a general rule, I don't know how you are when you go into a tavern. That's usually not my first thought, like, oh, I'm glad it's packed in here.

But honestly and sincerely, I'm so happy that all of you are here. Thank you for coming out for a night of the Tavern. I'm even excited like there are people sitting in, we'll say, the rafters of the Tavern. You know, my guess is probably assassins. I mean, yeah, so if you're in the rafters and you're not an assassin, just know you are probably sitting next to an assassin. We called it the assassin's lounge, which I've got mixed feelings about,

but at least they know where the assassins are. All right, so my rule for myself is when I start getting tepid laughter, I like to bring in my co-host. You know him, you love him, Trump the Talking Badger! Oh, yeah, baby. How you doing, buddy? You know what?

I said this to everyone in the tavern, and so it would probably be awkward if I didn't also say it to you. I'm happy you're here, buddy. I'm happy to be here, and I'm happy you're here. And I'm happy all these, whoa, what are these, rafters? Yeah. Did the tavern always have rafters?

Not always, but you know, we had a lot of requests from assassins to have a place to be. Huh. And Arnie, I don't know if you know this, but chickens are actually descendants from rafters, so. Just something to think about? Nature finds a way. Huh, I have my tankard, and I also have a can of ape water.

Okay. Have you had ape water in Foon? Have I had ape water? No, I don't. Is it water? I'm gonna be, I imagine this is a sponsor, so I'm gonna be very careful. I'm trying to think of a scenario for ape water

in our show that sounds positive. Yeah. Well, I think it's sweat. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, that was better than what I was thinking, frankly. Well, what did you think? I won't say it. Very cool.

And you said the Coca-Cola polar bears are your favorite? My favorite sponsors? Oh, yes. Yes, I would say, well, my second favorite. My first favorite is Lucky the Leprechaun. And especially the caveman version of that, where they say, Frosted Lucky Charms, Oogalaga, Meachamachee. Yes, you got it exactly right.

Yes, yeah, yeah. What's your favorite, like there's some amount of sponsors in Foon, who are some of your favorites? Ooh, I think the Morglorb Muskrat is pretty cool. Oh, okay, so a sponsor for an illegal drug. Yes, yeah, yeah. It kinda helps soften the edges of buying a drug. drug. Yeah, I've always heard more glorb cells itself No, the muskrats do all the selling. Okay. Okay, but that's the thing is us little creatures

We you know, we're not always visible to sight lines. So sometimes people don't see them Yeah, Arnie is this my nose? I was just wondering the same thing. I think you, do you have a concussion? There's a big... Oh. You know, it's only on nights when the tavern is really this full that I start to understand the whole geography of your body

doesn't make a lot of sense. Wow, Arnie! You're a poet, the geography of your body. Arnie. I've been working on a little erotic. Wow. My southern canyons are starting to get precipitation. Ooh. Torrential.

Okay. All right, I'm not gonna think about that too hard. Arnie, what's going on with you, buddy? Not much, you know. It's been busy around here. I think there's a big Mittens game in town. Uh, it was kind of hard to get in the tavern today. Because lots of people just yelling, uh, right outside the tavern.

Yes. I saw a lot of ravens severely disappointed. Yes. They were carrying their messages, and then they just went, uh, yeah. And just kind of dove into the ground. Yes. They were carrying their messages and then they just went yeah and just kind of dove into the ground. Yeah. Was there, and I'm not as familiar with it as you are, was there any other kind of animal or thing? I think it was a bunch of Ravens fighting a guy named Bill. Oh okay. Yeah. Or William. Okay. Yeah. Oh no. Yeah. Oh no. And he's a piece of shit. oh no. Yeah. Oh no, make a Bill? And he's a piece of shit. Oh, okay. Yeah, he's a piece of shit.

Oh sure, I believe it. Yeah, anyone named Bill. Correct, yeah. I mean, here's the thing, think of a Bill? Yeah, piece of shit. I wish the Ravens were fighting someone who was like, I don't know, 48 or 50, somewhere in that range. Sure, sure, yeah, somewhere in there. Yeah, maybe a 49 50, somewhere in that range. Sure, sure. Yeah, somewhere in there.

Yeah. Maybe a 49er, I'll say it. Yeah, yeah. I know what you're going for. Wow, you really don't know anything about the local wildlife. Yeah. You know numbers, not my thing. Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I don't see numbers. I'm going to start framing it like that. I don't see numbers. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't see numbers. I'm gonna start framing it like that. I don't see numbers Oh, wow, that's that's wildly progressive of you. Yeah Yeah Yeah, also though. I did get fired from a job once where I was like I was like welcome to progressive. I don't see numbers Whenever I get that kind of tepid laughter, I like to introduce my other co-host,

Eucidor the Wizard! I am Eucidor, wizard of the 12th realm of Ophesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical lights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Torracus, the elves know me as Fianyellic, the dwarves know me as Xonan and Hook Stengis, and I am known throughout the North East

as Gasmanius Maestar. And know this, know that if ever my name is interrupted by loud screaming, any who dare to do so shall have their ears each turned into a snake, and that snake shall devour their brain from the inside out. So look forward to that. I'm going to be perfectly honest with the two of you before we get started here. Okay. I couldn't hear a thing you were talking about.

Arnie, do you want to tell them about all the... I got... No, no, no. Oh. I don't care. Oh. That makes sense. No, that checks out.

I can't imagine it's important in any way. Whoa. You sir, I've never noticed this before, but... Yes? You're beautiful. Yes? What is this? The dagger?

The dagger in case someone pisses me off? Wait a second, wait, Ysador, was that in your belt? Or in your back? Because one thing you might have missed is there are a lot of assassins in the tavern tonight. Oh yeah, it's covered in blood. You were stabbed. You said or which which one of you sons of bitches did it. Okay, raise your hand if you're a son of a bitch. I will say someone else raise their hand over here. So there's some more enthusiastic hand

raise. My favorite assassin response was one assassin just went... Just one finger. Check, please! All right. Well, let it be known that if you stab Usador in the back, he shall return this favor three... thrice over! What? I changed from three times to thrice because I thought it sounded a little more wizardly. Oh, that's what you call the old thriceroni.

Arnie, Arnie, what a treat. What a treat. What a treat. I shall return this favor thrice over. Know that if you have attempted to kill me, I shall attempt to kill you three times. What? Wow. So I don't think that's a threat you think it is. Arnie and Foon, we have an expression which is an eye for three eyes.

Okay. So someone stabs you and then the eye three times, you return one eye? No, if somebody stabs you once, you stab them three times. Okay. What if they only have two eyes? Huh? I don't see numbers.

I'm a very excited- How are you doing, Arnie? You know, I'm doing okay. Hey, you know what? I would feel bad if I didn't say it. I'm happy you're here, buddy. Oh, I'm happy you're here as well. Unless you'll stab me in the back.

And then I shall kill the right silver. Look, we've been friends for more or less 10 years. We've all stabbed each other at some point. And I know how that sounds, so don't even... Laughter Mmm. Yeah. Your body's geography.

Laughter Uh, I'm excited. Look, we talk so much about the Assassins, but I also see we've got some Mittens fans in the crowd. Cheers. We have a few people wearing it. I think someone was just stabbed. but I also see we've got some Mittens fans in the crowd. We have a few people wearing it. I think someone was just stabbed. We have a Skr Buzzards jersey and, oh, Hogs Face Poison Blades.

I'm so excited that that is merch that we did not make. That's fine. That's fine. I also see someone wearing a Suck It Knee Camp shirt. Now, that was one of ours. Can you still get that? Yeah, well, you know what? I'm going to play some 3D chess. Are you taking that in your pants? Oh.

Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm also wearing a Suck It knee camp t-shirt. Wow! Which I just realized is not the own I thought it would be. I hosted myself on my own petard.

I really did. Can you? Can I hoist myself on my own petard? No, can you suck it? Because your church is telling you to suck it. Look, guys, we- Suck it, suck it, suck it, suck- Arnie, they want what they want.

Guys, we've known each other for more or less ten years. We've all sucked it. More, more. More or less, yeah. Yeah 10 years. We've all sucked it. More, more. More or less, yeah. Hey, we've all sucked it. We've all sucked it. And I should say just very quickly, if you have any emails you wanna send us,

I may not see them, but you can send an email as always to chuntwith6tees.gmail.com if you have any questions about the show. But of course, as you're hearing this, you wouldn't be at the show, right? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Also I should mention, the wait staff is very busy tonight

and customary tipping in food is about 50%. I'm not fucking around. You see, how are you doing lately? Oh, I'm fine, except for getting stabbed in the back, trampled by a horse. except for getting stabbed in the back, trampled by a horse. I was also, someone came behind me with a garrotte wire and tried to cut through my neck. Let's see, then I got six arrows shot at me.

You know what? Someone is trying to kill me. Yeah. No, you're paranoid. Oh, okay, I're paranoid. Oh. OK, I'll be chill then. You sort of, I guess I've never really asked this before, but just sort of looking at your body's geography. Do we want to play this game?

No, no. Oh, god, I took my over shirt off. You, how comfortable are you ever? Like wearing this like, what's the comfort level? Arnold Chunt. It's Arnie. I am a creature of pure magic, brought into this world by a conspiracy of squirrels

and birds and rain and fire, that insisted that there be a champion, and magic incarnate did fire down from the heavens and take this human shape, insisting that a champion step forth. And my back hurts. Sure. Oh yeah. Yeah.

You know, because I'm carrying the weight of all that, you know, all the responsibility of being, you know, a fantastic champion of food and destroying evil everywhere and making sure that goodness triumphs and reigns and frankly, not doing the greatest job right now. Yeah, things are a little stressful in phone. Yeah. But you know what?

Tonight, let's just enjoy being together in the tavern. Yes, we've known each other for 10 years more or less. More or less. And Arnie, I got a tattoo, I should have mentioned this up top. Oh your tattoo says hello from the magic tavern. Yeah it hurt so bad. Yeah I will say you ripped your fur open. Yeah yeah Yeah. That was thus the scream. Yeah. Did that not read?

So why did you get hello from and not welcome to? Oh, shit. No, you should have. I've been saying this for 10 years. It's hello from the Magic Tavern. Oh, sorry. My bad. Let me button up my skin. Arnie, do we have a guest today?

We do. And you know, I don't know. As I'm just hearing, who knows if our guests can hear us, but hopefully they can. I'm so excited. We have someone that works for royalty. We have the King's, a King's royal chronicler. So behave yourselves. So behave yourselves. So behave yourselves. Ladies and gentlemen, give a warm welcome to Steven Anonymous.

How are ya? Now Steven, do I refer to you as your lordship or do you have a title that I should refer to you as? Steve is good. Steve is good. Very good. Excellent. Not even a mister, just a Steven. Okay. Steven. Steve. And please with a V, not a pH. Oh, okay. For God's sake. Yes. Steve-din. Steve-stein-din. Steven. Steven. Steven. Yeah. Yeah.

That's not Stefan. That's Steve-fan. Now the King's Chronicle has insisted that we use Vs and not pHs. So if there are any Stevens here with pHs, I insist that you cut the pHs out of your name right now and then flog yourself for half an hour. So if anybody here went to a wizardry college and you have a PhD, no you don't. You now have VD.

Yes. Thank you. And if, let's say without. And I was gonna say something, but that was so good I decided not to. No, are you? Wise, wise. Wise. Stephen, we're sorry. Sorry, are you? Wise, wise. Wise.

Stephen, we're sorry. Wait. Sorry. We're not going to talk about each other's bodies? Why not? Yeah. What? Go ahead.

You want to talk to Stephen? That's fine. No, we can get to it later. No, let's talk about bodies. We can talk about bodies. You can talk about the geography of my body. I just wanted to say. You know, if I'm being honest, I feel like I've had some Tectonic shifts in my body over the years. So, you know the geography is not what it used to be

Well, none of us are a time takes its toll and I just want to say Arnie you have a beautiful body Oh, thank you Chant. You have a beautiful body. Thank you, Stephen I just met you and the first thing I want to say to you is you have a beautiful body. Thank you. Steven, I just met you and the first thing I want to say to you is, you have a beautiful body. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Wow, and Ysidor, I think- This doesn't come naturally.

I have to work hard to look like this. Oh, yeah. Oh, you do? Very hard. What's your regimen? Getting out of bed, that sitting up part, that's it. That's very difficult for me.

Well, that takes a lot of effort. Yeah. Very difficult. Yeah, how long does that take? Oh, I do it once three times a day. Oh. Yes. That's what it is, yes.

You sir, I think the three of us agree, your body is a wonderland. Yes. Thank you. You have a beautiful body as well. What? What is wonderful? Yeah, wonderful body. Of course.

Of course my body is wonderful because it can produce all sorts of magical wonders! Huh. Yeah. But that's probably it for tonight. Yeah. Keep it at toy. Keep it at toy. Did you always have that talent? Yes, I've always been able to conjure birds at will. Uh, but I, I've always been able to conjure birds at will. But I think I'm spent. There's a refractory period.

Sure. I can definitely spout out birds, but it takes longer and longer for me to return to the state where I'm ready to like perform again. It happens to most guys, yeah. And I can't see too well, is that a Vezant? Sure. Yeah. Uh.

What's up guys, it's your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you, it's too good and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay? Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation. And I don't mean just friends, I mean the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay? Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

And I don't mean just friends, I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on. And now I have my own YouTube channel. So follow, watch, and listen to Baby, This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch full episodes on YouTube,

and you can listen to Baby, This is Kiki Palmer early and at free right now by joining Wondery. And where are my headphones? Because it's time to get into it. Holla at your girl. Hey, I'm Cassie DePeckel, the host of Wondery's podcast Against the Odds. In our next season, I'm telling the story of four American rock climbers who were kidnapped by rebel militants in the remote mountains of Kyrgyzstan. The group was taken at gunpoint and forced to

hike through brutal terrain under the cover of night to avoid detection by the Kyrgyz army. With little to no food or water provided by their captors, the young climbing team had to struggle through severe dehydration and hunger. Finally, they realized they would have to fight for their lives to escape. It's a thrilling story of survival in the face of violence and terror, and doing whatever it takes to make it home alive. Follow Against the Odds on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Binge the entire season ad-free right now only on Wondery+. Start your free trial in the Wondery app, So Stephen, you're a chronicler for one of the Kings.

That is correct. So you sort of write histories? I do. People used to pass down stories, write them on caves and everything. So now it's a niche job. And I write them down, I pass them around there. Pamphlets, little leaflets, things like that. That's what I do.

It takes a lot. My hands are a little grizzled from writing them down. But I have quills, and I used to, the nibs that are not licorice, I put them into my pocket and they pierce the thighs. So sometimes I write in blood. Because it's all there. You know, so I used to put them in a pouch,

but then the hands are tough, and opening the pouch is tough. It's fun to write in blood. I've done it for a few incantations myself. You have? Oh yes, sometimes if there's a dark spirit I need to call forth, I'll take a nib, much as you have, and draw some of my known blood, and then write on the paper, demon from hell, come here to Foon, and do your devilish work on behalf of Usador.

Now I don't usually summon demons, but I do, and then I make fun of them. So you write it like an invitation? I write it like an invitation. I say, please RSVP, demon. So some people do incantations, but you put invitations to a demon. Yes, it's an invitation incantation. And I understand.

I understand, I understand. Now, Steven, when you write pamphlets or leaflets or any sort of news, are you the voice of the king? Do you speak for the king or does the king decree exactly what he wants? I actually take on different characters. I rarely write for the king because he gets embarrassed and he's always worried that he's going to mess up. Even if I'm doing the talking, He worries that I'll misspell things.

So I just, you know, there's some guy who chops down trees and I will take his voice and I'll write out what he would say if he were to keep a diary and to tell the news. And that's what I do when I pass it around to towns. That's wonderful. Would you talk to this person or would you just like? No, I take a guess.

I look at them and I say, oh, that's what this guy would talk like. This is, and they're usually uneducated. Oh, sure. Yeah, that's just, that's my, I can do that. That's what I like to do. Oh, that's fantastic. Yeah, they're usually dumb and, but you know.

So you can easily look at them and kind of sum up their whole deal. That's right. Right. And write as they would. But they sound alike because they're all stupid. Yes. So they don't stick to facts either.

Oh. They just make them up. I just make them from my own mind. That's wonderful. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about right now. Not to put you on the spot for your powers, but would you be able to summarize maybe how you perceive the three of us,

or maybe even just Arnie? Maybe, like what his voice would be or what his deal is? Definitely uneducated. Well, okay, let me ask, what would I be talking about? What would I be reporting in his voice? Well, Arnie is a man from another world who's trapped here in our magical world.

Yes. And he would say, I don't know why, but I keep looking at these bottles and I got ADD. And I just, they're just in the way and it should be a blank stage. But I should be picking these up, these are disturbing me. Oh, yeah. I don't know why, I'm concentrating on three,

and I'm worried that somebody's going to knock it over. Well, they're not. That's because you're dumb. We're nowhere near them. We're nowhere near these cans. That's already to a T. You're an idiot. Yeah. You're nowhere near these cans. That's already too a team. You're an idiot. Yeah.

You're dumb. We're nobody's anywhere near these. We're nowhere near these cans. They're fine where they are. Now, Oni- Why am I worried? You're so neurotic. What?

You're correct. You needn't worry. But Oni, do you know what ADD is here in food? Yeah, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. ADD is here in food? Yeah, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. It's absolute dungeon deficit. That means Steven Anonymous here has looked at you and said, this guy's never been through a dungeon.

He doesn't do any adventuring. He's kind of a lazy guy. That's what ADD is. You look at someone, you go, they've never been through a dungeon, he's got ADD. That's pretty similar to what it is on Earth, and I have to say, I have both. If you've listened to this podcast, you are not surprised.

And there are lots of positive ways to deal with it. You have many great skills besides that. You chronicle your conversations here and send them back to your world. I think that's a great talent. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I am kind of- It's a great talent coming out of a beautiful body.

Oh, thank you. I heard from other towns that you had like a sort of purple pinkish shirt, and yet I see you in blue. Oh, I took off, I made a choice. And I took off my polo, but actually actually I think I'm gonna put it back on. I was, look, on my world we have something called merch and you just have to dedicate a little bit of time every day to sort of talking about or showcasing the merch and you know, it's a long story, not a good one, but we have merch.

Oh well that's wonderful. I didn't see that. Yeah. Oh, there's every reason to wear that. Yeah. If you need a moment to put that shirt back on right now. I think that's what I'm gonna do, actually. If you need a moment to do that,

I'll keep talking and just say, Steven, even though this is very strange to us, I've often heard Arnie talk about teepublic.com slash magic tavern. What was that again? tpublic.com slash magic tavern. But not, we don't have that for sale, right? No, certainly not.

And if you were to go there, even right now on a device, which none of you here have because you're all foolish citizens, you could purchase a T-shirt. Now you can pick up your mic and talk again. I covered for you. I don't. I... Bravo.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I just noticed from your foot stomps, wow, you truly are a man of the king. Arnie, he's wearing Hokas. Only the most wealthy men in food can afford hokkas. You smoke out of them. You smoke a hoka. I smoke hoka, yes. They do double duty.

I walk with them, and they're always there for me to inhale. Yeah. They're wonderful. Arnie, would you like to smoke out of a hoka? You can. Oh, yay. You can. I think...

I think Arnie... You can oh You can I think Arnie Arnie this is a great privilege. Well, I have to be careful because I really hate moisture on my socks Okay, so I will be holding my foot up. Okay like this. Yes, and I would never go I would never allow a man of the king to Raise his foot in the air without some support. So I will... I'm going to tell you something. I hate this.

This is servile. I am a liberal. I think this is wrong. This is not... Oh, should I move or? No, I didn't say that. I'm weighing my liberality versus my utter distaste for wet socks.

Yeah, oh yeah. And as Ayn Rand, who is a chronicler, over in another village, would say you have to be selfish in a good way. So because if I did this and put my foot into the wet stuff, I would be unhappy making you unhappy. So I only am unhappy now with this, but not that unhappy. I see.

And I just want to apologize forever is right there. They are seeing the southern map of my geography. Yeah. Well I'm gonna say. You have a beautiful body. Yes. And also Chunt is our most arch character so this is great arch support. Oh he takes it literally. We should get everybody involved. Do you want to take a whiff first? Thank you for the privilege. Now beware, it's habit forming. I have so many habits that are bad for me, they all cancel each other out.

Oh. All right. Well, um. There you go, good luck. Okay. Wow. He really got in there. I feel like Dennis Hopper.

I'm just happy you didn't spill it on my seat. Oh, yes. Well, thank you so much, Stephen, and thank you, Chunt. Thank you so much. You're very kind, and I mean that. You're kind, literally, literally kind. I've been right about this. You all, the word will be spread far and wide

through my chronicles. That's yeah Thank you Steve and philanthropic and that's with a V Now Stephen you Stephen anonymous you chronicle the going songs in your kingdom And you imagine what say like a lumberjack may say, or a cobbler may say, and you write these things down in your chronicles, have you ever thought about staging them as a series of monologues?

Wow. Hmm. Yes. I actually have. Really? Yes. Oh good. In the Kingdom is a wonderful, a wonderful teacher of acting. We call him Schmuck.

And it's all a sham. It's a game. He steals from those idiots who will pay him money and they all want to get up on stage, which is actually just a stump. Yeah. And they just stand on the stump and they pronounce, but you see, they can't read.

So I just keep yelling the words. So in essence, I'm doing the acting and then they just scream out my words. Wow. Yeah, they can't read. Did anybody understand that? Perfectly, perfectly. Or is it just a head joke?

Okay. For what, you've attempted to give these people the opportunity to speak their words unto the populace and they stand here upon the stump and scream line, line, while you say, I am a lumberjack, a fool who fellells trees and I have wasted my entire life and then he says I'm a lumberjack He kind of like stumbles over it and then you he calls for line again and you have to feed him the line, right? But they're not all bad

That's not pretty good. Some are good. I Saw them. Did you all see the vagina monologues? I'm so sorry. Not the vagina monologues, the vagina monologues. Right, no PHS. A wonderful town warlock named Vagina, now known as Vagina, gave some incredible monologues. That's right, they just stand up and they spout and people will pay, will play flowers to see it. Oh, wow. Yes, they bring flowers to see it.

That's fantastic. And then these stupid people eat the flowers. Oh. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Steven, can I ask you, how did you get into chronicling in the first place? Was it something when you were a kid

you wanted to be a chronicler? No, no, I actually, when I was a kid I wanted to be a chronicler? No, no I actually when I was a kid I wanted to shovel I just wanted that's all I wanted to do. I wanted to shovel things. Yeah. Sometimes it was snow, sometimes it was just people would plow and I would like to have dirt and just shovel it out of the way and I my back hurt. Yeah. So I said let me look into something else. And so I just started to write these things down. And I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed it. I had a wonderful teacher who actually knew how to write, Miss Tindall. And she taught me how to write in my voice. Yeah, she always taught me to write in the present, as if I were talking to somebody. So when you see some of my stories, you'll say, hey, this is happening right now.

I'm actually saying this is happening to me. That's because everybody's stupid. I see. Right. I actually have one of your scrolls here. Go ahead, read it. Okay. Yeah, read it, tough guy. You dumb piece of shit, read it.

I already covered for you once. Yes. It says, Hey, it's like this is happening right now. Those things that I'm reading are happening right now. Would you like to get up and act this? Okay, sure. Here, give it a big hug.

Ooh, I've never seen Arnie act before. Arnie, let's pretend this stump is right there in front, behind the waters. Okay, ooh, hey, this is happening right there in front, behind the waters. Okay. Ooh, hey, this is happening right now. Find your light. Okay. Arnie, relax your shoulders.

Okay. Repeat after me. Five foonish friends. Five foonish friends? Found valuable fresher. Found. Sorry, dude, just trying to help you warm up found five foolish friends found valuable fresher close enough now if you could the the town drunk once did that uh-huh and I would like to see you as the town drunk once did that. And I would like to see you as the town drunk on a stump.

Say those lines. Okay, yeah. Oh yes, oh yes. This is like Stan has less keys. One of the great actors in Foon, Stan has less keys. He would always inhabit the role fully. Okay, so. Do you know why they called him that?

Why? He lost some of his keys. He lost his keys. Yeah. Okay. Okay. All right. I'm going to try to be really present and in the moment. Hey, this is happening right now. Okay. Uh, and I'm going to be, uh, the town drunk. Uh, or are you cold? Arnie? No, no, no, I'm sorry. I'm kind of like getting into character and I'm just sort of like imagining, you know, you like hold a character in your head of like maybe someone you've seen in your life before.

Uh... Grrr... Grrr... Whoa, are you a crook? Uh... Are you playing a crook? Look, let me tell you. I'm not a crook.

Grrr... Grrr... Grrr. How dare you. And I already say, get off my plane. Get off my plane. Very good, very good. Bravo, bravo. I think you're ready, I think you're ready. Alright, no, I think, okay. I am Eucidor, wizard of the Telk Realm of Ephesius,

master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the grad- the- the- the-arcus. You know what, guys? That's spectacular.

We've been doing this podcast for 10 years more or less. Now, why when you were asked to be the town drunk, did you decide to impersonate me? I haven't had a drink since I came out here. And I should, I can clear this up. I know came out here! I'm bad. And I should... I can clear this up. I know that there is a new town drunk. Mobo and the Bounce.

Yes. She might be drunk. I might have to go get her. Yeah. I think we might be in trouble here. Yes. Are Momo's ears burning? Yeah, your head is on fire. Are you okay?

What did you do back there? I a slow dancing with a candle. Oh, I think it went well Hello, it's me Momo the mouse with human strength. Hello. Thank you for having me Momo before you get too comfortable. We should say there is a Envoy from the king here. Oh, yeah, I know him. Oh, probably. I live in your shoes. That's correct. Yeah, you're a fantastic landlord. So good. Thank you very much.

So responsive. I thought I smelled you, but I didn't want to say it, cause I thought it would be weird. Oh yeah, sorry I'm late. I was coming from a rehearsal for the vagina monologue. Oh, Momo would you? Yes.

I don't have it totally memorized. That's okay. Watch out for the ape water. Okay, great. Oh Momo, do you want me, I know you're a little drunk. It looks like your head slipped off. Your head.

You know what, you're fine, you're fine. It's hot under here Momo would you like me to be on scroll for you in case you need to call for a line? I would love that, thank you so much. Perfect. Actually you especially would love that. Thank you. Yes, yes, yes. Okay.

My vagina is powerful It's a manipulator of magical delights The manipulator of magical delights. This is the 12th realm of aphesius, master of light and shadow. Devourer of chaos. Devourer. That one works. Devourer of chaos.

The elves know me. The elves know me. The elves know me as Fiannualic. The dwarves know me as... Zonin. Hube-stank. Hube-stank. That's actually correct in this script. Lime.

I'm known throughout the Northeast. I'm known throughout the Northeast as... Gas-manias? Gas-anus? Glass-anus? May-star. Gas-my-anus. Gas-my-anus, may-star. Andmyanus. Gasmyanus, Maystar, and Lyne?

And I like to get down and nasty. And I like to get down and nasty. Now if you, excuse me, this is straight cheese, and Mom was gonna get even more drunk. So you're cheese drunk. Oh yeah, it's canon that I get drunk on cheese. You not remember? Oh.

Do you even listen to this show? You even, he doesn't even listen. I get drunk on cheese. Oh, you get drunk on cheese. Free cheddar, the other kind, some cheese hard cheese. Yeah, yeah. Cannon bear? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that's one of them. Von Dew? Mm-hmm. Swiss. Did you say? Mm-hmm. Swiss? Do you say Vendue? Yeah. Okay. I do kegs of Vendue. You drink Vendue upside down when you're in college. When you're a mouse.

Oh. Oh, I see. I'm talking too much. You used to do Vendue stands. Yeah. That's fun. Have you ever done one? Oh, sure.

When I hang out with my mouse friends. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever done one? Oh sure. When I hang out with my mouse friends. Yeah, of course. Yeah. And they can lift you? Oh yeah. I mean it takes like a thousand of them. Yeah.

Unless you're there. Unless I'm there and it's just me and baby. You have human strength, yes. Now, Momo, living in Steven's shoe, in the hookah, there must be some sort of like nighttime ritual that you two have when you're ready to go to bed you want him to stop walking and when he's ready to go to bed he wants you to stop drinking what's the what's that like when you're when you're getting ready to settle down for for

night mm-hmm well occasionally if he's up late he says I can sleep in his slipper which is really kind of you Stephen very nice and there's a little sort of a pocket where might you see my big toe aims a little bit that way. Oh. Just a little spot right in there. I say, come on in. It's incredibly cozy. Right. And if, perchance, my toe does wander towards it,

she has human strength and can push it over. So it's fine. It's fine. Yeah, it's really easy. It's just a toe. So it's fine, it's fine. Yeah, it's really easy, it's just a tug. It's teamwork, and if it bothered me, I wouldn't have her there, I'm no fool. But she's lovely at night. Yeah.

What's the shoe setting you back? What? How much is the shoe setting you back? Oh, like the rent? Yes, what's the rent? I pay him in stories. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Adorable. And I take those stories, I write them on parchment, and I take a woodcutter and I put them on a stump and I read those stories aloud because I can't come up with all these stories. She's magnificent. Yes, of course Momo is magnificent. Of course she has to eat a lot of cheese before she starts spouting these stories.

Oh yeah, oh yeah. Cause I'm shy, I need a little cheese. I'm gonna need a little cheese to get warmed up here. You need a little dairy courage. Exactly. Steven, you got anything living in your other shoe? What, you think I'm a landlord? Arnie, disgusting!

Why would I do that? I don't know. That's a hat on a hat. Stephen, I am so sorry about this. It's all right. Oh my God, there are so many assassins in here. There are so sorry about this. It's all right. It's all right. I had a ways for my mother to talk. Oh my God, there are so many assassins in here. There are so many assassins. Hawk?

Yeah. I don't think Hawk's here. Although you know what? Oh my gosh. It's actually that time. They all, there's a prayer that all the assassins have to say at this time. It's their assassin's creed.

And so we're gonna give you some space. Everyone down here be quiet. And I think they're all going to say it in unison. Yeah, they're all going to say it at the same time. So go ahead and just start your Assassin's Creed. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one.

That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one.

That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one.

That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. and a lot of watermelon. Yeah. That's the thing. You know, they're saying, I don't know if you guys caught it, but some part of that, there are a lot of parts of it that I have no idea what it was. But some of that was watermelon, watermelon, watermelon. That's what's tricky about assassins. They can be any, they can sneak in anywhere and you will have no idea because you'll never catch what they're really saying because they're just saying,

watermelon, watermelon, watermelon.. Well that's part of the Assassin's Creed which was written by Anne Rind. That that was objectively good. Everybody we have some exciting news that we want to share. If you want to go on an adventure with Generation Y, we'd love for you to join us. January 26th through the 30th, 2026, we'll be sailing from Miami to the Bahamas on Wondry's first ever True Crime Cruise aboard the Norwegian Joy. Aaron and I will be there to chat, hang out, dive into all things true crime. And we're thrilled to be joined by some familiar voices in the true crime podcasting world.

Sir T and Hannah from Red Handed, Sashi and Sarah from Scam Fluencers, and Carl Miller from Kill List. Super excited to hang out with them too. We got some cool activities, interactive mysteries we can solve, testing our forensic skills with a blood spatter expert, and so much more. So for some sun fun and just the right amount of mystery solving, come join us. Ready to jump on this seriously epic adventure? Book your cabin right now at exhibitseacruise.com. At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me.

And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful.

Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Now, Steve and I've heard, you know, much like a... What have you heard? I've heard much like a blacksmith folds metal and tempers swords to make weapons. Much like a blacksmith, a wordsmith such as yourself can temper words to make them cutting or biting.

Absolutely. Do you have any words that could be one word or a phrase that you really enjoy peppering into your work to really drive home a point or to really cut someone? The word two. Two, ooh. Spelled how? Any way you want with a T and use samos.

And it can mean anything you want and people will get it wrong. Two. I love to throw a W in there. Wow. I gotta remember that. Where does it go? Where does it go? I like it right after the T, before the O. That's insane. That's crazy stuff. Then another W and a few more O's. No! That's crazy. True. W after T, except what's the...

Stephen, you would know. I would. See, I told you he'd know. So Stephen. I've had too much cheese. Oh. Yeah. Arnie on Earth, what are some of the, who are some of the great scribes or transcribers?

Have I been passed down? Oh, to my world? Well, you know, I don't know. I don't know if, you know, I come from another dimension. So, so very few things from food. Dimension? Dimension? For almost 10 years you've been saying another world,

now you're suddenly from another dimension? Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? Another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension. Chant, don't say it 20 times. You talked a lot about how you love Aaron Sorkin from your world.

You know what? If there's one thing you know about me, I love a walk and talk. That's why, and you know, maybe this doesn't come across in a lot of the episodes, I'm often walking while I'm talking. Walking around the town. I don't think anyone's gonna believe that.

I'm trying to think, well, so, like you do a lot of sort of non-fiction chronicling, it seems like. Yes. You know what I have chronicled? Did you see what he just did there? He knew that there was danger in leaving that can there. And I will tell people, if you don't want to spill your water take it put it in a glass and bring it back to where it was and you won't spill the water.

Smart. I know. That's the kind of nonfiction I write. Wow. Wow. Wow. I know these are lessons to be learned. Yes.

I know people will eventually learn them when they're in your learned. Yes. I know, people will eventually learn them. It come when they're in your dimension. Yeah. Steven, you're so wise, you write this nonfiction. If someone were on fire, would the best thing for them to do to be to jump up and down in the air? If I were on fire, Yes. and I was reading one of your pamphlets

about being on fire, would it recommend that I jump up and down in the air and scream, Hooray, I'm on fire? I don't think that is. No? No, but I don't think that is. Then what should I do? I don't think that is the knowledge

that comes from a chronicler. Well, no, I'm asking you, what would that knowledge be? What's? Would I think? Yes, if I were on fire, what would you recommend I do? I would say throw yourself upon the ground and roll and roll and roll and then jump up and down and go, hey, I'm not on fire.

Yes. Oh, brilliant. But a chronicler doesn't know that. That is not my area of expertise. I'm just an amateur when it comes to people being on fire. So you're asking me as if I am, you know, an expert on this? I am not an expert.

I can write about it. I think Momo came out here and my whole head was on fire and you all sat perfectly still. Oh, yeah. We've seen it. We've seen it before. Am I so accident prone that my head's on fire and you're like, another Tuesday for Momo?

Yes. Yes, Momo. Unbelievable. Yes, Momo. Unbelievable. Now, Steven, I apologize. I thought since you know about fire, or since you know about water, perhaps you'd also know about fire. Maybe you'd know about earth, maybe you'd know about wind. I don't know shit. Okay.

I got no idea. I write it down. These things are said or I observe them and you have no idea what a chronicler does do you and you're a wizard my guess is you keep your brains in your hat damn damn it's empty he has got your number and I don't see numbers. Yeah, my brains are in here. What prompted you to think that I was an expert, that I was knowledgeable on all things? It was just the fact that you seemed to speak so knowledgeably about the water

that I thought perhaps other elements were familiar to you. I just learned it. I didn't know that. I saw by example. And I will chronicle that I see now You know all in every county like you my apologies Yeah, you observe things and you are a conduit for the information from other people like you asked about my world on my world Actually in the Chicago of my world. There's an amazing sort of chronicler named Studs Turkle

Ah, I'm big what's his name? Studs Terkel. Arnie, if you don't know his name, don't make it up. If you don't know it. That's a food name if I ever heard it. Well, I'll be working on being a Studs Terkel. Yay, reference! Yeah.

Whoo! And I'm also a big fan of his son, Studs McKenzie. Oh, I'm Arnie. I know authors. My favorite one is Macho Big Guy. Well, who's your favorite, like, who's your favorite author and phone, Ysidor? Azratiriel. Who?

Azratiriel, the binder of spells. Wrote the first spell book ever, Azratiriel. Oh. I think I read that in school. Yeah, everyone has to read Asriterial in school. It's pretty dry. It's a great spell book, but it's pretty basic. You learn the light spell, like,

Gaelic, then cover! And you learn, um. Oh, lights! Yep. Incredible, everyone, ooh. Ooh. Oh, people listening at home, don't you wish you were here? Yeah, the show is dark until just now, I know.

That's right. It was a request from the assassins. Can you keep the tavern as dark as possible? Makes their job 60% easier. Oh yeah, absolutely. Chunt, who's your favorite author? Ooh, I think the shell, there's like a little shell, I think his name is Silverstein.

It's a little shell, shell Silverstein. Just really accessible, really fun, a lot of rhyming. Very good, very good. Is that the shell that has a boy named Sue? I think, yeah, I think for adults. Maybe people don't know that, but I think that's a shell that has a boy named Sue. Yeah, yes.

Cultural reference as well. For, yeah. Very good. Yes, he did. Yes, he did. Steven, do you have a favorite author in food? Yes, Amor Tools. That's T-O-D-W-O-L-E-S.

Oh! It's my favorite. I knew that. Because I like the word too. So I like tolls. Yeah. Stephen can... Amor tolls. Amor tolls.

There's a pun in there somewhere. If you'll just hold on a second, okay? I'll get it sooner or later. Stephen, we've been talking about your work so much. Like how, I hope you don't mind if I pry a little bit. Go ahead. How is your personal life? You can read about it.

I have a bestseller coming out that I'm going to have on Sheeps Parchment. It's not bad because I go from town to town and into various taverns, not unlike this. And I'm sort of a hooker as well. Yeah. And I'm cheap. I'm cheap. You know, all you gotta do, buy me a shot,

buy me a beer and I'm yours. And I will write about that. Beer, can we get a beer? Yeah. Pizza. And so you use that as inspiration for your writing. Yeah. Yes, because you meet so many people.

Sure. And then they stand on stumps, and they read about what the night was the last night. Oh, wow. I know, it's great. He's underselling it. He's one of the best hookers in food. Yeah, she's. Oh, wow. I know, it's great. He's underselling it. He's one of the best hookers in food. Yeah, she's- Oh, really?

So sweet. She, I mean, believe me, there's a reason why she wants to sleep in my shoe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So, that would be a good spot in the shoe. So, it's sort of like, you're, is there spicy stuff going on, but you're out of the splash zone a little bit I never said I was out of the splash zone okay never ever claimed to be out of the splash zone did we ever agree on using the term splash zone I feel like we should have

discussed that before the show I thought I thought before this show you have a beautiful body. Oh, thank you. You all have beautiful bodies. So. Momo feels like she's sort of in a weird dream. Sure. Everybody here, just imagine being Momo for one second

and the last five minutes imagine being in my POV. Sort of a strange moment. What were you saying Arnie? I'm sorry. How have you been besides the drinking? Basically saying that another way I was going to say what's next? What's next? Well you know how Momo usually dates things that are her size. Sure. Mayor Manana who I heard was here. Oh this is embarrassing. If you're is this difficult if your ex is here?

Yeah, it's pretty hard. I also dated a tall drink of water. Steven, I don't know if you read about this. A few years ago, we made a banana mayor. This is the stuff of Jacqueline Suzanne. I'm going to write this down. Wow. You were you were with the mayor. Yeah. So it's good to see you.

Hi. How are you even? So, yeah, like, it's good to see you. Hi, how are you even? So, yeah, like I was saying, I was slow dancing a second ago with a candle who was very hot. And it's going really well. And it was really nice. You were dancing, slow dancing with a candle? Before I came out here, that's why my head was on fire. Isn't that interesting?

Was there like a little song that went with the dance? Oh my god, you're treacherous. Amen, amen, amen. So it was that song. If you could excuse me one second. I'm just going to... Are you OK? Yeah, I'm almost good.

Oh, is it seeing Mayor? Look. Yeah, I guess so. I just wasn't expecting him to look it seeing Mayor, look. Yeah, I guess so. I just wasn't expecting him for her to look so handsome as he does. Does he? I mean, look at him, he's gorgeous.

I... I... It's crazy she's still looking at us. Yeah. Her face is just, she's just rubbing her face against the wall. He's just a banana. There's plenty of bananas in the sea, mama. Artie, I don't know if you know this about food,

but there's plenty of bananas in the sea. And a lot of fish on land. I apologize for that. Yeah. I bet they're all laughing. Oh. They're all having all laughing. Oh, oh. They're all having a great time with Mayor Banana. They wish he was, I guess.

Oh. No. Steven's gonna ask the banana to move into his shoe. No. No. Momo, Momo, come back. Momo, come back. Beg me. No, no, Momo, Momo, come back! Momo, come back! Begging.

No, no, Momo! Momo, Momo, Momo. Oh, this is what she wanted. Yes, Momo, I want you to know. Attention for Momo, I hate it. That's right, you dastardly Lothario! As cute as you may be when you put on your pajamas at night, I shall no longer stand for your

heartbreaking shenanigans. Chunt! I'm tired of this volanderer. Volanderer. Volanderer. Volanderer, yes. He's a vony. Mayor banana fuck off.

He's a rod. This is a banana. I'm chun- wait no I think I think you are about to kick the banana but the person in the crowd was yelling to the banana to kick you. In food, banana kick you. In food, banana kick you. Oh. Close enough. We do need that back. Ow! Oh no! My eye!

Oh no! My eye! Assassins! Assassins! Assassins! Assassins! Assassins! My eye! Assassins! Assassins! Assassins! Assassins! My eye! Assassins! Assassins! My eye!

Arnie, make yourself as big as possible. She usually makes one, not the whole. I'm better. I'm better. He's better. He's better. I'm better. Let it be known that in a moment of danger, Arnie didn't move at all. I think I actively... I think I actively heard him fart.

Look, 100% truth, I got confused because I thought John said, Arnie, make yourself as wet as possible. And did you? I mean, a, make yourself as wet as possible. And did you? I mean, a little, not as wet as possible. I mean, I was scared. It could happen to anyone. Wow.

Steven, are you OK? Now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm missing this. No thanks to her. Oh. Oh, throwing up a knife. Now you have truly the best thing to say

during two truths and a lie at the first day of work. Congratulations. Well, well, well, assassins. We found the out. We'll disguise ourselves as simple Mittens fans. What, what a nefarious disguise. Wow, I wouldn't expect that from someone with a baseball tee and a beret.

You know, you think if in a tavern you make a designated area for assassins, the assassins will stay in that area and not get closer to where they can kill people. But also, Momo, how are you doing? Because, you know, your ex, Mayor Manana, was really cozying up with the best hooker in town. You know, and Steven and I talk about this. Because I am not the best hooker in town. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm a hooker in town. Hey,

don't talk about my best friend like that. You're the best hooker in town, Stephen. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. He's the best. I don't know what to say. Yeah, you know, what do you say to something like that? You don't know what to say. Yeah, when a whole tavern applauds you being a hooker, you just take that. But the best hooker, they don't know, they don't know. Before he works with someone new, he says, whatever you do, don't fall in love with me, and they never listen.

They never listen, they always fall in love with him. I see. I've always wondered, is your heart actually made out of gold? Me? No, Stephen. Yeah, Chunt doesn't have a heart. That's canon, right? Yeah, I had it removed.

Is my heart made out of gold? Yes, Stephen Anonymous, is your heart made out of gold? Yes and? Hold on. Yes, yes, and therefore to be malleable, for gold is malleable. And Stephen's heart cannot be broken. Oh, but it can be bent.

So you may think you're falling in love, but consider Stephen's feelings for once. Can I tell you about the time that Stephen laughed so hard? Don't bother. Can I tell you about the time that Stephen laughed so hard? He was with this guy named Richard Gere and he was giving Stephen a necklace and then Stephen went to go reach for the necklace and he shut the little container shut and then Stephen was like, ahahaha. Momo, I have to say this.

What? You as a mouse don't go near anyone named Richard Gere. I don't, it gives me only a little bit of pleasure to say that. Wow, I gotta write that one down and disseminate it all over the world. And Arnie, we should be careful. We don't know who Stephen knows. Yeah, we don't know.

That's true. That's true. Hmm. That's right. Yeah, this is sort of what we're doing over here. Yeah. To sort of... Oh, you must hear all sorts of rumour. I mean, of course, you write The Voice of the King

and you write what you see in The Lumberjacks, but you must hear all sorts of rumors. I mean, of course you write The Voice of the King and you write What You See and The Lumberjacks, but you must hear all the best rumors. These will be called stories out of food. Ooh, yes. Yes, and I have to go home and make them up, but nonetheless, there are plenty of stories that I will gather, And Momo will be telling them in my shoe tonight. Yes, she tells stories.

Have you had enough cheese? You know what? Round of cheese for the whole bar, please. On Momo. Momo's gonna do a couple more shots of cheese and I'm gonna make up some stores. And he's gonna write them down. All right, so we don't really have enough money

to have cheese, normal cheese for everyone in the tavern, but invisible servers are going to be bringing invisible cheese, so please, and don't look. Arnie, don't condescend to these people. There's no cheese. Oh, Ysidor, don't you know the Cheese Wizard? Oh, that's the formal name. Oh yes, I know the Cheese Wiz.

Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Can you get me a Camembert? Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. I can't tell if Stephen is making fun of us. I mean, I hope so. Wouldn't you? Oh, yeah. Well, I have some emails here. Of course, I have Arnie's phone from when he fell through the portal from another dimension, I guess Here's an email from Evan are we gonna talk about Chantz feet the fuck

Chad what's going on with your feet guys is everyone in the tavern tonight a pervert Why should today be any different than every other day? Wow. Well, I got, I got, you know, I can, I'm a shapeshifter and I can change my feet at will into any sort of design and I thought to honor a pizza skull. Yeah. Happy? Yeah, just thought to honor our friend Pizzaschool. Thank you for that question. We also are, I don't know if the fuck is a question. Oh, we have a question here from Samuel.

They want to know, Stephen, how many buttholes do you have? And Stephen, I want to be the first to say, I'm so sorry. That's a very personal question. Samuel, Samuel. Samuel. Nine. Nine. Nine buttholes? Eight wasn't enough? He's the best hooker in FOOD! wasn't enough? He's the best hooker and foe! That's our show! Thank you all so much. Ah yes, the old climactic nine butthole reveal. Take my word for it, Severance is going to end the same way. Usual the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffae. Steven Anonymous, the King's chronicler was played by special guest Richard Kind. That's kind as in, kind enough to do this show. Momo the Mouse with Human Strength was played by Erin Keefe. Special thanks to San Francisco SketchFest, especially Janet Varney, the staff at Club Fugazi, and everyone who attended the show, even the assassins. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show and voting on the ongoing March Magic matchups, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Now a not-fun reminder, Apple's in-app purchase charge for Patreon subscriptions made through the Apple app have officially gone into effect. Yuck. These do not affect current patrons, and new patrons can sidestep them by not signing up via the iOS app store. But moving forward, if you sign up for the Patreon via Apple, you'll be charged an additional 30% fee that goes

straight to Apple, instead of where it should go, buying Chunt a less janky live show costume. Want a Magic Tavern 10th Anniversary shirt? For the record, I don't know, maybe is a fair answer. They're now available in the merch store at teepublic.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai. Imagine this. You help your little brother land a great job abroad. But when he arrives, the job doesn't exist. Instead, he's trapped in a heavily guarded compound, forced to sit at a computer and

scam innocent victims, all while armed guards stand by with shoot-to-kill orders. Scam Factory, the explosive new true crime podcast from Wondery, exposes a multi-billion dollar criminal empire operating in plain sight. Told through one family's harrowing account of sleepless nights, desperate phone calls, and dangerous rescue attempts, Scam Factory reveals a brutal truth. The only way out is to scam their way out.

Follow Scam Factory on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Scam Factory early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus.