Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 49 - Warlock Now (w/ Tyler Davis)

Episode Date: March 24, 2025

Nicholas Fump returns for a second attempt at exacting his revenge on Usidore.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungNicholas Fump: Tyler DavisMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Indeed.com slash wonder ECA. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring, Indeed is all you need. I'm John Robbins and joining me on How Do You Coke This Week is the comedian and broadcaster Matt Ford. So at that point I did have to kind of come to terms with the fact I might not have long left. And in that moment the only thing that I really felt sad about was the fact that I would miss my wife. But apart from that I thought well I've given it a go, we have to go at some point.

So that's How Do You Cope with me John Robbins. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. the iHeartRadio Awards recently named us Best Fiction Podcast. So excuse me while I eat a lemon wedge from the enormous edible arrangement I ordered for myself that spells out You Were Right. And believe me, it takes a lot of lemons, olives, and turnips to spell that out. But then the humiliation of your doubters never fails to be delicious. So sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food now in our 10th year. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Ten years and two weeks ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King

in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the Wanderlost in the magical land of food. And I'm joined, as always, for the last 10 years and two weeks by my buddy, my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Okay, just walk over here and put my legs back inside the cake and jump out of the cake, hey! Oh! Baby! Hey! Hey! You kinda ruined that cake, which is too bad. Well, I'm sure Ysidor can magic it back together,

but Arnie, I thought 10 years, 10 tears. It's a 10-tier cake. It is a very big cake. Yeah, if I'd pop out of it. Sorry for the bikini I'm you don't need to apologize for the bikini. Okay, what'd be naughty and fun if I took some of this icing and like Booped it on your nose or something. I know I'd be cake pie. Ow my eye. Oh I'm sorry. Oh, no, what is in this icing? It's things so much. Oh, it's glass it makes The Baker says glass makes it sort of pop Oh, yeah

Quick introduce you sir. Here's your store. Where is you sir? I return from her week's worth of soul searching and going through various tomes and grimoires. I'm sorry to interrupt you sir. Did you say stole searching or soul searching? Soul searching. I wasn't looking. Sean, it wasn't just me.

It sounded like stole searching, didn't it? Arnie, don't you want him to cure your eye? What the hell happened to your eye? My eye is fucked up, man.'t just me. It sounded like stole searching, didn't it? Arnie, don't you want him to cure your eye? What the hell happened to your eye? My eye is fucked up, man. Ah, fine. Whoa, he fixed the cake! And now for your eye. KALAK KABTAK ARATAR KALAT ME! Well you just magically put an eye patch over my eye, which is something.

Yeah, that'll help. I mean, it's a new look for a little while. So much for a more aggressive spell than the cake spell. I know. And Chant Alcure your bikini. VARATU KAL TUTTI FUN TUHAHA! Ooh, now it's not ripped anymore and my nips aren't showing. Yeah. Thank you.

You're welcome. So Ysra, I'm so sorry. You were soul searching? Oh, sorry. Let me go back to the door. I've just returned from my travels. For the past week, I've been doing some soul searching. Going through the Oh I've just returned from my travels for for the past week. I've been doing some soul searching

Going through dungeons looking for mystical gems. He definitely said soul Searching this time. Yeah. Yeah I we we don't capture on Mike a lot. He always comes through the door with like a through the door with like a hey hey hey he comes in he's got a real noises off energy like he comes in and out of that door like he fast sometimes you wonder what the podcast would be like if you flip the whole thing around and watch from the outside actually you sir why don't you cast noises off on Arnie and I and you can finish your sentence yeah it's fair all it All it is is to say that for the last week I have been thinking Pondering

considering oh low for the the Those who are scriveners for Kings and the Kings themselves have not come to our aid and I Find myself turning my back on the monarchy. What a radical idea! Whoa, noises on, that's insane! Whoa! I'm beginning to wonder if their goddesses given right to rule over us is not well deserved.

Wait a minute, Arya, I didn't even notice this because it blends in and fits so well. It's so form-fitting. Ysidor, are you wearing a blue leather robe? That's right. I'm a rebel now. Wow. Arnie, it's just that with all the villains beginning to disappear too, no one helping us, lending us aid against this war, this inevitable wizard

war, the animals still warring with one another? I come to find it is the time that great beings, men, women, children, animals of all sorts must stand up and fight for what they believe in regardless of how they may be part of some ruling structure or not. Sorry, Chunt, you were. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah, fuck yes.

Fuck yes. Fuck yes. Fuck yes. Whoa, and Arnie, look out the window. Whoa, Grimhoof has like two handlebars sticking out of his head. And he has wheels instead of legs. Whoa.

And also, I should have mentioned this earlier, Yusador's head's on fire. You're smoking! Woah! Fuck yeah! That's right. I put on this mask and now I'm smokin'! And you got a big chain, you're like whipping a chain around. That's not all Yusador's about to do!

Who said that? Who said that? Who said that? Where's that? What? What the fuck? Slime ball to the feet! Huh! Whoa!

Slime balls to both wrists! Huh! Huh! Ah! Ah! Arty, I'm stuck against the wall! Holy shit. I've never seen slime balls anywhere.

Is this? Arty. And now that I have you right where I slimed you, it's time to finish the job with this normal crossbow. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. No, you hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on a second. Hang on. You drew those slime balls at me and I did not say, I don't know. Hang on. No, wait, you every will everyone hang on. That's everyone. Everyone, everyone, everyone. Hang on. So you can't do that on a podcast. Onnie it's, it's, it's me, Nicholas Fump.

Onnie can you, I need your head. I need you. I need your strong arms. Yeah. I need you to lock this crossbow. I'm so impressed that you recognize me with this eye patch. This is my new look. I would recognize that kind eye from anywhere. Oh, thank you Nicholas. I'm just gonna wipe off this slime and sit at the table. You leave that slime where it is.

I'm not done with you. No, I left it on the wall, it's fine. No, they're not. Nicholas, would you care for an ale or perhaps some mozzarella ones? I know no Nicholas you've spent the last two years getting your nerve and the appropriate accoutrement to take down Ysador and you will not you will not you will not miss your shot. But first I've got to lock this friggin' crossword on it. Well, last time you were here, you were angry at Ysador

because he had cursed you in the past for a really long time. Yes. And you wanted your revenge on him. And so are you, are you back to get more revenge on Ysador? I am back to get my revenge on Ysador. But here's the thing, I came to the Wanderlust for a different reason. And I lo and behold, I look over

and y'all are recording a podcast, and I thought, now's the time, today's the day. Yeah, last time we saw you, we were in a different tavern. We were in the Strange Familiar, I think. This is our new tavern. Yes. No, no, no, that's the thing. This is my tavern. Oh. This is my tavern. I found this place first

I went I went on my quest to kill my wizard and in my my my In my travels, I found a place that I called home. And so I was I've been here every Wednesday night from about you know, eight to 10. This is my this is my spot. Oh We must just missed you every usually not Wednesday's is like one of the few times in the week that we're usually not here We're doing charity work Charity work I turn into a swan on Wednesdays to entertain children and Arnie and I We kind of have to mop up all the swan shit. Yeah.

Sounds like the swan is doing more shitting than entertaining. Whoa. I mean, you have no idea. Oh my gosh. No one has summed up use it or better. No, here's the thing I do because you guys do that on Tuesdays and on Wednesdays. I got to tell you, you're not doing a great job cleaning up the shit because when I do have my ale, I'm usually plugging the nose.

Oh, smart, smart. Also smart to attack us while we're doing the podcast because, buddy, if there's ever a time when a man is most vulnerable, it's when he's recording a podcast. Sure. Nicholas, would you like some help cocking that crossbow? I can't watch this anymore. It's just sad. Nicholas, Nicholas, do not let your mortal enemy cock your own crossbow.

Is he talking to a different Nicholas or is he psyching himself up? I think he's psyching himself up. Nicholas, you got this, you can do this. You've been training for the day that you're gonna crossbow this guy right in the eye. Just gave himself a high five. Hate that. Sounds like he's gonna aim for your eye, Ysidor. Heads up. Who, who, who, who's gonna crossbow Ysidor? You gonna crossbow Ysidor?

Said who, you, you, you, go, fuck, here, got it, I got it. Oh, Ysidor caught it with his hand in the... Oh, for the love of... Boom! Ysidor, though, you shouldn't be so blase about this. I mean, to be fair, one of the things that's changed since the last time we saw Nicholas Fump is that you're not immortal now. Yeah, but I can still take a shit ton of damage. I guess so. You know how many hit points I have?

40? 50? Up, way up. 51? Up. But you know what, if you ask a guy- 40 50 up way up 51 Up, but you know what if you ask a guy I'm talking to Chunt Yusador has 98 98 that's right. I know that because I've been inquiring from every person that I've been traveling with

About the whereabouts of Yusador the blue and his supposed hit point count and it's very hard to find it's not something you really like you know flash about to people for the most part until except i just did just now but the reason it's true usually when a guy says how many hit points he has it's usually half as much is it for a while i thought that Ys had 3,000 hit points and I was like come on Yeah, come on you come up really well. Yeah, that would be that would be absurd. You know Well, they say wilt chambermaid had I think 3,000 hit points Wow yeah at that point That's not a healthy amount of hit point. No you're doing yourself a disservice Yeah, I think they said to have that many hit points He would have had to have start magic when he was 14 or something something insane where it's like. Yeah, I don't want to hear this

Would you like your crossbow bolt back? I? It's undamaged. I will take it back. There you go. That's gonna hurt the pride Please have a seat talk to us for a while Nicholas what are you been up to buddy? Well, I have been on quite a quest, quite an adventure to, as we spoke when I last saw you, to kill my wizard. And of course, my wizard is that wizard over there, that wizard that I'm looking in the eyes and he's refusing to- Wait, where?

No, it's you, Usador. What? Why? Oh, right. I refuse to go into it again, but it is a good reason. I've been traveling, I've been getting my skills up, but also, I've been fighting with time. Ooh. I've only been getting older.

I spent so long in that cursed place, in that cursed, cursed place. Go right! You're falling. Falling, waiting in line, place in that cursed cursed place. Go right. You're falling. Falling. Waiting in line. I forgot. Filling out a W2 that just would never end. You know, the curse you put me under.

Sure. Well, it was an accident. I apologized. That's usually the end of it. You're not even looking at me when you say that. Your eye went up and around to the room. I don't even think you mean it. I'm very busy today.

I have to record this podcast. I just came in with a lament about the state of the world and my role in helping to fight evil in all its forms and having some... I'm having some epiphanies here, Nicholas. It's a time to mix things up. It's time for former friends to become enemies and enemies to become friends. Nicholas, I ask you this, will you join my quest?

Your quest? Yes, though you saw me once as a bitter enemy. I ask you to raise your crossbow faster than you were earlier and point it at our enemies, our joint enemies. Fuck yeah. For you think I am a threat to this world? There are other wizards, terrible wizards, who are doing nothing but grabbing land, doing nothing but grabbing land, forcing people into service as their armies. And they are causing destruction and hatred, and they shall turn on each other, and a war shall break out, and blood shall roll like the kind that thou has ne'er seen.

And I assure you, if you join me in this quest, great glory and wonder shall be spoken when people think of the name Nicholas from you know see if it were me I would have killed him during that speech because he's always so Distracted when he's going on like that and he says this thing where he walks away Just so he can come back and he puts on glasses just so he can kind of take them off dramatically There's so many opportunities. Yeah, and he did he did sort of like present his chest open chest he hit it a couple times I I had the window but I did not want to slay you Sator before informing him that it will not be the first wizard that I have slain who are yes as I've been on my quest becoming ever more powerful I have been getting my skills

right to take down a wizard. By way of slaying all the wizards that I have come into contact with. Which is two. That's actually quite a lot in our world. Look at all these balloons! And what a way to celebrate another canned trip that I have concocted in my travels. When he holds up two with his fingers balloons shoot out of his body, that's a spell. Wow.

You should learn that one. I'll try. Look, I don't know if you accidentally killed a sorcerer or a mage or a necromancer or something. But the odds of you actually having killed a wizard are pretty slim. Well, it was fairly recently after the calamitic event that caused wizards to become more mortal. It actually happened at the exact same time as I was in combat with Grabgar the dumbass. And I slain Grabgar, right then and there. Oni, I don't think we've ever told you about Grabgar,

but easily one of the most embarrassing wizards. Wow, that's saying something. Grabgar the forest green? Grabgar the forest green, Grabgar the forest green. Grabgar the dumbass. He had an opportunity to give his color. He led with dumbass. Yeah, he wasn't really representing well, so you know. Okay, fine. Grabgar, you got him. Good job. Let's take a break and we'll come right back. We'll hear about this other wizard you killed. Oh.

Right there, right there. You could have shot him again. No, no, I gotta lock the bow. Ony, cock my bow, cock my bow. Oh, yikes, wait till after the break, please. Everybody, we have some exciting news that we want to share. If you want to go on an adventure with Generation Y, we'd love for you to join us. January 26th through the 30th, 2026, we'll be sailing from Miami to the Bahamas on Wondry's first ever True Crime Cruise aboard the Norwegian Joy.

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Newest season only on wonder E plus you can join wonder E plus in the wonder E app Apple podcasts or Spotify start your free trial today So that was one wizard you killed Who dare I say who was the second wizard? Well, it seemed after grab gar I First had to take stock of what had just happened to actually kill a wizard especially after my failed attempt at use a door I I Didn't know what was happening, but I didn't have time to think because soon after my slime ball choked Gavgar.

Yeah. And slime balls are still your main weapon of choice, those in crossbows? Well, it's mostly slime balls, yes. That is the most corporeal thing that I can do that is useful now. I do have these healing bracers from Lily Bellwether of the clerics

and I learned to shift the stars from Amanda Just Amanda. Just Amanda. We all know Amanda Amanda the star you you goes by man. You learned to shift like the stars in the sky? Yes. That's impressive, although I can't imagine that it's particularly useful. That's why I don't do it.

Yeah. It took about six months. But you learned. Yes, I am all, it's important to keep up your hobbies. Yeah. In fact- That's so great for you. Frickless. Oh My slime to the chest

My name is Nicholas Xavier Fump Xavier yes Xavier and you best remember it. Because as I was saying I didn't have time to think because

I don't know if you all know Grabgar, he kinda gets down and at the time he had been seeing Trixie of the Mist. Oh yeah. Yes, Trixie the Lavender of the Mist. One thing led to another and I, well, I slimed.

Ball. Come on. I did the... We're talking back shots? I did. I regret. This is my thing. In this one moment, I do truly regret that this is kind of my go-to thing.

This is why a lot of people don't use slime balls. Yeah, you know, I have to wonder, like, how long can you be working with slime balls as your main weapon before you're like, Hold on, what the fuck am I doing? Why are you using slime balls? Here's the thing, up until this point, they have yet to fail. I killed two wizards with them. That is true Every time you say something is to put your two fingers up, you know That reminds me has anyone else noticed this lately Whenever I'm like walking around and I like give someone a thumbs up. I think about giving a thumbs up, huh? think about giving a thumbs up?

Huh? Uh, like, you're like, give a thumbs up. And then you're like, huh, I'm thinking about giving a thumbs up. Is that helpful? It's not helpful. I don't know. I hate it. If I'm being perfectly honest. Correct me if I'm wrong. Are you trying to communicate that your body acts before your brain tells it to act? I mean, yes, we all know that. Ow! Don't kick me. I'm gonna kick you.

Whoa, you kicked him really hard. You didn't think about that at all? No. So Nicholas, you were saying something about, I don't know. Trixie of the Mist. Right. Trixie the Lavender.

And she's your new girlfriend. No She has been slimed to death About sound no, I know bad. No, I know if I feel like I want to high-five you but that's not right No, no, no, well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it seems like all throughout Foon, villains are mysteriously disappearing. What? No trace, just disappearing into the air. So if you cast yourself against a villain, against a well-beloved and well-known hero,

such as Ysador the Blue, you may just disappear. And I know this sounds like the kind of bullshit thing that we would say to you to make you not try to kill Ysador. Oh, absolutely. But it is actually true the villains are disappearing wait but maybe that's when I encountered my third wizard the because I was feeling pretty pretty like hot stuff and you was one day kidding me yeah that was wait that was all one day that was within a half hour. Wow. Yeah. And I hate to ask, you definitely killed them?

Well I checked the vitals just like I checked Usador before and they were not breathing. And so I waited, here's the thing, I waited around their corpses for a good five hours just to make sure that they weren't planning some kind of revival wizardry stuff. Of course. Yeah. And they didn't. So I took two W's that day. And I've got to ask, you can slime two people in a half hour's time?

Well yes. I stay hydrated. I make sure that when I'm going into battle, I have a good meal. And it's kind of no biggie. I'm impressed by the refractory period on those slimeballs. You know, I... Was it less slime the second time? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm a man. Well, if Nicholas checked them and Nicholas checks me, I'll raise Nicholas 500 gold. Whoa. Okay. But you're saying the villains are disappearing. What greater force is threatening the villains of Foo? I mean, we don't know. Like, the villains don't seem to know. But think about it, when's the last time you saw a villain?

I'm not just talking about like dicks or like bad kings. I mean, just like full on villains. When's the last villain you saw? Hmm. There was Dragon Tooth in the mines, but that was before the curse, so at this point that was 202 years ago. Oh sure, yeah.

Whoa. Well we've been able to confirm that Dr. Cold disappeared. We've also been able to confirm that no one has seen, hide nor have Wheelbear for a while. Oh Chunt, I'm so sorry. Wheelbear became a villain. Oh no. Yeah, he used to be a

guard and now he then he turned to villainy. What about Cockroach Clown? I think they were partners, yeah. Oh no. Villain partners. What makes a Cockroach Clown turn to villainy? Insanity. They've already got everything going for them. Yeah. That's a good line of work if you can get it. So I beg of you, I shan't refer to you as mine enemy nor mine nemesis nor a villain, because I don't want you to disappear, Nicholas Fomp. Could this be compassion coming from Ysador the Blue? What is in it for you?

If I disappear or not, there'd be one less person trying to crossbow your eye and slime your wrists. Oh yeah, that's a good point. Villain! Whoa whoa whoa! No, you make a good point! Why shouldn't I take you off the board? But if you- wait wait, here's an. Oh, here's a here's an interesting question

Okay. Yeah, let's think about this. Oh break it those how do we decide? Who's the inciting incident that that causes someone to become? either Villain or victim. Yeah. Oh, if I were to Try to hurt usador to kill him, am I merely just exacting a righteous revenge? Oh. For someone that trapped me in a mental prison?

Right. Yeah. But from your point of view, my callous indifference about having accidentally done this to you would cast me as the villain. But it was not an accident. You looked at me, you cursed me. It was indifference, yes, but not an accident, it was on purpose. Oh, I was probably trying to like give you a little hat or something. I was probably just trying to like conjure a little hat for you to wear on your head

during the orgy, but we don't need to get back into that or religate that. I'm sure it was an accident. I mean I you can ask Arnie you can ask Chunt What I cast accidental things all the time, right? Oh, yeah, so often you'll turn like my arms to chocolate Mm-hmm. You're welcome or my legs to chocolate. You're welcome or A lot of chocolate stuff. Yeah the table to chocolate or Arnie's laptop to chocolate Your tail is chocolate. Oh right. Yeah. Yeah, you sir. Do you mind about that? Yeah, eroth turtle. Come on Oh, you just okay. You made it ice cream. All right, okay. That's better right wetter wetter

It's better, right? It's wetter. Wetter. Wetter is better. Let me try, uh, think-a-dink-a-dink-a-be-ka-be-ka-dink-a-doo. Whoa, my tail turned into a smaller chunt. Son of a bitch. Hey buddy. Hey buddy.

Hey buddy. Hey buddy. Hey buddy. Hey buddy. Whoa, I'm almost like Nicholas. We got, we're gonna do this. Yeah, we got this, we gotta kill him. like Nicholas we got we're gonna do this Yeah, okay kill him remember when Nicholas did that remember wait what oh

I'm doing it right now. I've got my own aside going on He was pumping himself up. Let me try this one You fixed it I should do that more often. Real clean cut, real clear. Yeah, when the spell sounds like the words that you're trying to convey, I feel like that's usually when the spells are best. Okay. But when they're like, hinky dinky, rinky dinky,

like I feel like that's when it's a lot of chocolate. Yeah, those are the worst ones. And then the second worst ones are like the One okay, so everyone has now Nicholas Nicholas. Do you have some notes now? I'm seeing you cast three spells like rapid-fire I kind of need I need more scrolls because I want to be able to cast more. Oh You need a I see that you need a components to cast your spells There's nothing wrong with that. What?

Do you need we got a lot of stuff in the tab? What do you has lots of components around go? I Need I need a a bottle of fresh liquor Okay, we got a secret that has never been spoken to a friend before. Okay. On each other, do we have any secrets left? I think we told each other everything, right? Oh boy. Sometimes when Ysidor turns my genitals to chocolate, I eat them.

I mean, that's not really a secret. Like he maybe have never spoken it, but we know. We knew. Oh, why did you guys say anything? I mean, why? Why would we? I don't wanna talk about it. Why would we bring that up?

Okay. Good enough. I'll take that. I'll take that. And here's a bottle of liqueur from behind the bar. Yes. And then the latent dreams of a scorned warlock. Okay.

How often are your ingredients just things you can provide yourself? That's handy. Well, I'm all out of, I've told myself all my secrets. Sure. So I can. Makes sense, yeah. Yeah, I don't use components a lot,

but I tend to use the ones that need wizard milk. The deadly ones. Yeah, well, just cause I can provide it, you know. Whatever happened to like. No follow up questions? No. I'd rather talk about Chocolate penis. I mean, honestly, my chocolate penis would go really well with some wizard milk

You got your penis and my nibbles Hello for the magic tabern now in our 10th year. Ha ha ha. What's up guys, it's your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you, it's too good. And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay? Every episode I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

And I don't mean just friends, I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on. And now I have my own YouTube channel. So follow, watch, and listen to Baby, This Is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch full episodes on YouTube and you can listen to Baby, This Is Kiki Palmer early and ad free right now by joining Wondery.

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Follow Scam Factory on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Scam Factory early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Oh, looks like that bottle's really, there's something going on in there. Your spell is cooking? It burns with malice and light, and I open it and I drink it. And I spit it all over the ground and now use the door that's right

you may find it very very very very hard to move oh like through that space you spit on yes well don't walk around it use us walk around man. What the hell what the hell? What the hell ice that was the other that was the other? Six months it takes me a little longer to get to the bar, but it's not too bad. Oh, but wait, but wait Look look my my foot. Oh, no, I can't move my foot. No So cuz it wasn't for you Chunt you weren't supposed to even be in this This is now you're gonna be stuck there for a fortnight Oh shit, so wait and we're not gonna be able to clean this right?

Cuz if we try to clean it no cleaning it makes it worse cleaning it makes it spread Cleaning it makes it worse. I thought I was going to have him Do you want anything for the bar, Nicholas? Drink a snack? A bat beer, please. A bat beer. Arnie, you need anything? I'll have a Robin beer.

Robin beer. Chunt? Antidote? Antidote. OK, great. Arnie, I put my right foot in and I can't take my right foot out. Have you tried shaking it all about? No. No, don't do that. That's that's how you get it. Oh, yeah, he's out. Oh, it's out my right foot out. Have you tried shaking it all about? No.

No, don't do that, that's how you get it. Oh, he's out. Oh, yeah, he's out. Oh, it's out, it's out. Whew. Okay, a Matt beer, a Robin beer, an antidote, and a nice frothy red ale for myself. Okay.

Cheers to Nicholas with the new title, villain. Yeah. To villains. Ah, yes, to a new villain. Cheers to Nicholas with the new title, Villain. To villains. Ah, yes, to a new villain, replacing the ranks of those who have disappeared. To chasing your dreams. Chasing, I'll choose to chase my dreams. But I wanted to talk to you, Usador. Yeah, I wanted to talk to you too.

Well, I wanted to talk to both of Ysidor. Yeah, I wanted to talk to you too. This whole bull- Well, I wanted to talk to both of you. Shut up, Arnie. This whole bullshit about trying to kill me, let's be honest, you're never gonna do it. You can't do it. I'm too powerful, I'm too smart, I'm too clever. You spit a circle on the ground, I walked around it.

I mean, that was just walking. I didn't have to use magic, so- I would argue that walking is magic and it's not easy. Every breath is a gift. So Nicholas, I think you're a great guy. I'm really sorry about whatever happened before. But let's bury the hatchet as they say, let us now move forward together in harmony. And you're saying that you need people like me to mount an offensive against the imposing villain threat?

Yes, the wizards amass power, villains are disappearing, by who knows is causing that to happen. Perhaps one of the wizards themselves. And so we're always looking for stalwart and... Determined people like yourself. I- You learned how to make the stars move. Yes. You didn't do it, but...

Well, no, I've been- Here's the thing. That's why I don't use it. I've been doing it this entire time. Oh! Yes. The- The Big Dipper is now over there. Where it was, over there. Okay, well... You're basically just fucking over a bunch of sailors by doing that, you know They're gonna be so good a lot of sailor deaths recently. Oh, no the sailors. I didn't think about the sailors. Yeah. Oh

Oh, I've been doing this all the time I mean, I feel like I've heard this is all secondhand, but I've heard that the sailing industry has been devastated Oh I pumped it up. Oh I pumped it up I've gotten a lot of Ravens that said Hundreds of boats have been crashing and therefore a lot of people have been burning down lighthouses because they assume that's a problem And then a lot of vigilantes have been going after the people who've been burning down the lighthouses because they assume they're in the wrong

Oh No, it's just wanted to kill Ysidor, oh You killed thousands of people, well done dude Oh no It's alright, it's alright, this is what we call a domino effect You know, sometimes you just cast a spell, turns your friend's arm into a piece of chocolate and you just eat some delicious chocolate till his arm grows back. Sometimes you cast a spell that has a terrible domino effect which causes hundreds or if not thousands of people to die. It's happened to all of us. Shouldn't feel bad about it.

Guys, guys, I need you to, can we go in for a little bit of a huddle? I know we all know we constantly got beef, but I need to talk, I need to ask you a real question. Yeah, hit me. Okay, the stars are kind of one thing and they're like really important and I know moving them has kind of messed a lot of things up.

But like, the sun isn't important, right? People don't need the sun, right? If the sun started doing weird things too, that wouldn't- Okay. Yeah, the sun's pretty important. No. Yeah, the goddesses deemed it to be a source of life and nutrients for the plants and

And it's it's heat is what keeps us all alive and fills our bodies with Vitamin D which they which they every time the four goddesses said vitamin D. They like kind of giggled. I don't know what that means Also, if you've been like moving the Sun to different places in the sky that could explain some of the Funian climate change that people have been complaining about lately Also it explains why winter solstice seems to come earlier every year every year you didn't steal my sunshine Did you know I was I was trying to give it? I was trying to give you more sunshine So I brought it closer because the Sun is just a star and then I wanted to be walking on sunshine

Yes, like every day might as well be walking on the Sun Arnie. That's how hot it is or cold Okay Well got sunshine Massive incandescent gas. That's not a song. Fine, fine, fine. So you decided here comes the sun.

Do do do do. And I say unto you, these powers are incredible. What if you learn to focus and control them? Under the tutelage of none other than your former enemy? You said all the blue if I my head is spinning with with all of the sailor lives that I must have claimed by Complete total accident, but if I if I train with you the usadoor Okay, if you're gonna train with me you have to stop cocking the crossbow like you're still trying to load a crossbow bolt

Into that I'm keeping my options open. I'm keeping my heart We use you just speculate and I think I think curse is a coming. All right So I can't be I can't be held responsible for the learned behaviors That's fair. That's fair Right. I'm gonna put the crossbow down Okay, but if I were to study with you, is there any world in which a villain who's killed thousands could become less of a villain?

Cause I feel like I'm on the chopping block. I'm like on the cutting board for getting vanished. Sure. The fact that it hasn't happened yet, it's incredible. Do you feel any regret in your heart? Absolutely. You're the only person I wanted to kill other than Gravgar and accidentally Trixie. Yeah.

Well, I think you're good then. Oh, so Trixie was an accident. We're learning now. Yes. You're bragging a lot about killing two wizards. Because it was still in for a penny and for a pound, I was like, yeah. Here's the thing, a true villain wants to cause chaos and destruction and death.

You in your heart do not want to do that. You felt wronged by me, and that's fair, because I suppose I wronged you, whatever. At least look at me when you say you can half apologize. He was like reading a book while he said that to you. If you have regret in your heart, you can't be a true villain, you can join the side of good.

And if you want to study under my tutelage, then I shall teach you the ways of magic. And if you want, you don't have to do this second part. You could be called Kid Ysador. We used to be a guy named Kid Ysador. I don't know what happened to him. He's been missing for a while. Maybe he grew up.

Maybe he grew up, I don't know. What am I supposed to do? Keep tracking my kids? To study under my cursor, is this the life that I've been claimed for myself? Is this? No, do I? Excuse me for a second. Thank you for huddling for this

My arms are starting to hurt I'm gonna actually gonna unhuddle And guys don't reply to him. I think he's gonna kind of talk to himself. Yeah. Yeah What? Have we pumped ourselves into? Pumped is a verb You said don't Don't listen to me I Would go outside and I'm gonna do this and I'll be right back

With you though, like we hear it but like it'll still go into the podcast. Long XLR cable. Do I, Thump, study under the man that I would one day kill? What do you guys think he's talking about? What are we saying out there? Yeah. Oh wow. Thump, do we have a guest this week?

If this XLR microphone is going into the mixer board on the table and they can hear everything that I'm saying. I think he's saying something like, Am I Thump? Oh, you've got monitor on. If I study under Ysodor, then I can learn Ysodor's tricks. And if I know Ysodor's tricks, then I will be prepared for his tricks. And if I prepare for his tricks, then one day I could still... You...surp him.

He's making a fist. That's a good sign. Boy, kiss this fist! I say with this quenched fist, raised to the stars, that I am still moving- Oh shit, don't put those- Oh! That- that cold over there- Oh, I don't remember where does-

Oh, it just got so cold. It just got so cold! Oh, so cold! Oh, black ol' son. Oh, just got so cold Now I don't know what to say cuz everyone hates my spells so fucking much Oh, they're great. Your spells are great. It's both a great. Here's a new one So sure she shy she swooshed her sauce a see-saw So sweet, so, so sweet. So, sir, so tall. No, and I was wrong.

Those are the worst kind. Come on. Thank you for undoing my mistakes. You said, oh, no problem. I am looking forward to studying with you. And just think, just as the goddesses demanded that there be a champion for good and sent me here to food, to take this humanoid form, I too shall impart to you

the power that you need to meet your true purpose. What kind of cadence are these classes gonna take? Like are you guys gonna meet regularly? Yeah, do I do it? It's not that I don't want to record with y'all every week, but it was like, I don't need to, I don't need to. No, we're not gonna do this during the podcast. None taken, gotcha.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, we can meet at my place up on the hill in my little hovel. That's you up on the hill? Yeah, I reconstructed my hovel that I used to have in Hog's face. I just have a new hovel. That's you up on the hill? Yeah, I reconstructed my hovel that I used to have in Hog's face. I just have a new hovel here. If you want to go there on like Wednesday mornings before I turn into a goose, that might work.

I'm sorry, what? On Wednesdays I turn into a goose to entertain children. We talked about this. Wait, I thought that was Tuesdays. I thought it was a swan. Nicholas, you gotta pay attention. Wait, I thought I was. If you're swan. Nicholas, you gotta pay attention. Wait, I thought I was. If you're gonna be a student, you gotta pay attention.

Oh, sorry. No, you're right. I turn into a goose before I turn into a swan. I'm sorry, that was my bad. Okay, now I'm sorry. Wait, well, the student has become the teacher. It's just too hard of a shift to go straight into swan. So I do goose first to kind of warm into it,

and then I ease into Swan from there. And Nicholas, did you happen to bring any sweat robes just for when you're training and working out and everything? Oh, well, I don't have robes, but I have some garbage liners that I have kind of fashioned into a robe that I then tie around me. Okay. That's perfect.

Similar effect. Yeah, this is going to be a pro montage forward training regimen. So think of doing thing in small bursts and then doing them again and showing your progress that accelerated over a shorter period of time, representing a longer period of time.

Absolutely. I do not do raw eggs though. I could see where I'm going. Okay. I'm not. Yeah, that's fine. Is that a deal breaker? No, that eggs though. I could see where I'm going. Okay. I'm not No, that's fine. I love birds So if you don't want to drink their eggs, that's fine If if you want to we could also do it via correspondence If you just draw this turtle in this pirate and then and then send that to me I'll decide whether or not you qualify

What were those words that were just strung together? Yes, here. I just have a picture of a turtle is a picture of a turtle and a picture of a pirate if you can draw these Then you can get into I don't think this is gonna work out No, no, I just need to clear That's fine. I'm rooting for you Nicholas, but as soon as you decided to become his student, you don't understand anything he's saying. Yeah, I'm breaking down a little bit, little bit, little bit, but I'll get it back.

I'll get it back. I'm sorry. What is confusing about this? We're going to train in a montage, which is a short amount of time that represents a large amount of time. You have to draw this turtle and this pirate and I'll be a goose on Wednesday mornings until I'm a swan. What? I don't think it makes sense. represents a large amount of time. You have to draw this turtle and this pirate, and I'll be a goose on Wednesday mornings until I'm a swan.

What? What do you think it makes sense? I never realized that was a swan. I thought you were just a fucking ugly duckling. How dare you. Arnie. Arnie. Arnie.

I was out of line. And I shove Arnie into the circle of sprayed liquid. All right, buddy, you are shut. You're in there for a fortnight, my buddy, you are in there for a fortnight, my guy. You are in there for a fortnight unless you decide to shake in which that is how you break free. Man, my spells suck. I think Arnie's stuck in there. So now we don't know how to end the show.

This could go on for hours. Well, let's just think about what Arnie typically does. He would read an email. I don't have an email. Chunt, follow my lead. Yes. Dear Arnie, Usador, Chunt, and guest. Yeah, that is me.

I'm writing to you because I have a question about Nicholas Fump, the warlock.uitous. Wow, that's just for me Nicholas When you kill you Sador what as you definitely will probably soon? Yeah How will you celebrate where will you go? love a different Arnie Okay, and that's a real eat and that's a real

PS I'm definitely from earth. I'm an earthling. Yeah. Yeah, and and I love listening to the show But ass Donger from New Mexico And then a P I SS, uh-huh piss from New Mexico and then PISS piss. That's a real email. That's a real email. Yeah that tracks. And that was for you Nicholas. That was for you so if you don't mind answering. Yeah you want to answer that question? Well I was planning on going to the Salt Springs of of Hordahain, but since I am not done with Usador yet, I will leave Hordahain for another day. We should all go to the salt springs of Hordahain. Yeah, I want my quarters.

Chud, do you wanna go? I wanna go to the salt springs of Hordahain. Why don't the three of us just go right now? To the salt springs of Hordahain? Exactly. Oh, I would absolutely love to go to Or die. Oh, wait, we're forgetting something Ernie. Did you want to go? I'm stuck. All right, let's go Guys I'm still stuck down here

Anybody else in the tavern want to help me? No, I guess I'll take a nap. Hmm. Fixed in place with no choice but to listen to what happens in that cursed establishment? Welcome to my world. Usual the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rifai. Nicholas Fump the Vengeful Warlock was played by special guest Tyler Davis. Check out Tyler's original short films and other work on his Instagram page at Tyler A. Dave.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus, the first episode of the Momo the Mouse spinoff, Hello from the Teeny Tavern, starring Erin Keith. [♪ music playing, applause and cheering from crowd as crowd goes by. Hello from the Teeny Tavern, a sometimes released podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, Momo the Mouse with human strength. If you've never listened to the show, here's everything you need to know.

10 years ago, my coworker Arnie fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago. Luckily, he's still getting a wifi signal so I can record this podcast in a little hole in the wall next to the table where Magic Tavern usually records. You know what this means. I successfully wore him down until he said, fine, whatever, and let me do my own podcast. That is a celebration of all things teeny tiny.

I pushed him a little too far and he took a week off. So it has been one week since I have seen Arnie. I think he's upset with me, but I'll deal with that later. The first thing I do is introduce my cohost that might sound a little familiar to you. Chuck Baby, show him who's boss. Oh, yeah, Tiny Babies. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show visit patreon.com slash magic tavern

and don't forget to sign up on the website instead of the apple patreon app to avoid any extra evil apple fees. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young and Adil Rafai. Post production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Hello from Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

["Dreams of a New World"] Guys, I'm still stuck down here. Anybody else in the tavern want to help me? No? Guess I'll take a nap. Hey, it's me Big Rick. They never invite me over to the table, but I just wanted to say, Papa Booey. I'm trying to say, Bop-a-Booey. I'm trying to sleep, Eggwreck. Hey, it's me, Stinky Frank.

You mind if I pop a squat? Thanks, buddy. Eh. Man, I can't believe we finally made it on here, Stinky. Yeah, should we? I never thought we'd be on the podcast. This is fun. Hey, come on over.

We're doing it now. Oh, hey, it's me, Tiny Tarantino. This is gonna rule. Quit looking at tiny feet. Hey, I'm Mike Corey, the host of Wondery's podcast Against the Odds. In each episode, we share thrilling true stories of survival, putting you in the shoes of the people who live to tell the tale. In our previous season, it's the winter of 1925, and a diphtheria outbreak is spreading

fast in the remote town of Nome, Alaska. Children are at a greater risk, and a few have already died. But Nome's supply of medicine is dwindling and the town is difficult to reach in the winter. The only option is for a team of mushers to form a dog sled relay across 700 perilous miles of Alaskan wilderness and hope that they can get the medicine there in time. In a recent episode, I talked with Amazon Books editor Al Woodworth about her top recommendations for books about survival. Follow Against the Odds wherever you get your podcasts and dive deeper into thrilling stories

of resilience and survival with curated book recommendations from the Amazon Books Editors at www.amazon.com slash atobooks.