Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 50 - Claudia Now (w/ Beth Melewski)

Episode Date: March 31, 2025

The boys search for answers about the missing villains by visiting Claudia the Witch!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungClaudia: Beth MelewskiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Do you believe in magic? Well then you've come to the wrong place, because the following podcast is not real. There may be all sorts of fantastical elements seemingly contained herein, but it's all fake. Bridge to Terabithia on the surface, bridge to Staten Island under the hood. I just don't want anyone feeling short-changed. Then again, you're listening to live, right? There's a swamp shack around here someplace?

Yes. Yeah, I think so. I think maybe we tug on one of the branches of these trees or something. Oh, but we have to go through the bramble. Can we please go through the bramble? Okay, how about this? Before we go through the bramble,

I love going through a bramble. I love starting an episode where we approach a location and go into it. But before that, I do want to say, hello from the magic tavern. Wait, wait, waitvern Oh, you tripped and fell so hard Arnie Oh the bramble the bramble got you Bramble my face Oh, he got bramble berries right in the mouth. Well, actually that's the best place for him

I'm surprised he likes walking up to a place. He always used to say why aren't we in media res? Why aren't we in media res? I do have to get my steps. I'm walking to Mordor. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Nechamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal. Arnie! A Crocogator! What's a Crocogator? Yes, watch out for the Crocogator. It just looks like an alligator or a crocodile to me.

What are these mystical beasts you speak of? This magical land sucks. Guys, has anyone ever told you guys that this magical land is kind of bullshit? You all the time! Anyway, I love it here. Now in our tenth year! I am joined as always by my co-host, Chuck the Talking Badger. Watch out for that bramble. Oh, he ate shit again.

So brambling! Arnie, you should not record and walk. Come on, I'll help you up. I'll help you up. Come on. Alright, here we are. Yuppie yuppie yuppie. Okay. Be honest with me, how bad are the scratches on my face? Pretty bad. Pretty bad, yeah. That's why I'm having so much trouble in the brambles with my eye patch. I don't have the depth perception. Should I cast a spell to place another eye on your forehead? No. Alright. Or your chin.

I don't know. You tell me where you want the eyeball. I don't want an extra eye. I just want eventually my original eye to come back. But only after I've exhausted the fan art opportunities of me having an eye patch. Well Arnie, you should already. You sort of have have been meaning to ask do you still have your baby eyes? My baby eyes? You have your baby eyes falling out yet?

Cuz if you still have your baby eyes, then you should be fine. Your adult eyes will grow it. Where? So wait, are baby eyes in the same place as adult eyes, but just earlier? Well, where are your baby teeth Arnie? They're not where my eyes are. I know that. where are your baby teeth, Arnie? They're not where my eyes are. I know that. Where are your baby teeth? Answer the question. Back on Earth.

Ugh. No, your baby teeth are in your mouth. They fall out. The adult teeth take their place, just like your baby eyes. Hmm. How's your baby, Dom? Guys, I think I see the shack. I think I see the shack.

Oh yeah, there's all kinds of smoke or Guys, I think I see the shack. I think I see the shack. Oh yeah, there's all kinds of smoke or steam or something coming out of the chimney there. Why don't we, oh, how do we knock? How do we give a yell? Should we have called ahead? No, I can hear you, I can hear you. Oh my goodness.

Oh, well, well, well, if it isn't the three perverts. Ah. You remember us. Well, of course. How am I going to forget you? What's up? It's David, Marcus, and Polio. Just kidding.

I thought we cured Polio. Ah. How could I forget you three? Yousido, you're looking Mario. Oh, how could I forget you three? Husedor, you're looking good. Oh, thank you. You also are looking well, Claudia. Now, let me say this. Did you three trample my brambles?

Oh, shit. Well, Arnie did fall over on the brambles a couple of times. I could tell, Arnie, you're dripping in bramble berry juice. Ah, yeah, I know, is it? It's tasty, though, I gotta say. Mm-hmm, and make a fine, fine brambleberry shine with it. So if you want to have a little shotsy-totsy,

Claudio'll hook you up. You want some hooch? Yeah, I think a round for all of us, some brambleberry shying sounds terrific. Alright, why don't you come on into the shack? Have you guys ever been here before? I don't think so. So, uh... We were here once when I was on the brink of death.

Oh, that's right. Sorry. Oh, you forget. I have so many perverts over, I forgot which ones were on the brink of death living. Ah, it's tough to keep track of, you know? Is a pervert better on the brink of death or just regular style? Oh, brink of death, because they'll do anything. Oh, ugh. One last hurrah.

Gotta get one last pervy thing in before I go. That's right. Well, here's a little shotsy-totsy, OK, Hugs. Suck him down around the crown. There you go. Oh, that is, uh... Strong. Guys, we gotta get that put up in our new tavern. What was that, suck it down around the crown? Suck it down around the crown. That's right. You gotta take that in. Ha ha! Ooh.

Ooh. Yousido, are you okay? Ha ha ha ha. It's so hot, I feel like I may actually start breathing fire. Oh. Oh, you might. I don't know, give it five minutes. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't.

Okay, all right. Well, what's going on with you fellas and you badger? What's happening, you three big uglies? Well, we're still doing the podcast now in our 10th year. Oh, okay. Also, we came to visit you because recently we've been hearing that villains have been disappearing and I hope this isn't presumptuous,

but you're not evil, you're not a villain, but you run in those circles. Mm-hmm, I hear things, I see things, and well, even more recently, I've started making, you know me, I'm always got some sort of savour balm or something I'm trying to sell. Oh yeah, you're an entrepreneur. I'm an entrepreneur, that's right.

I've gone back to the basics fellas So I'm just I'm I'm making hats with initials on it. Whoa Arnie can we please can we Arnie? Can we please get a hat? Arnie? Can we please? See the hats before you get excited about getting one no Arnie the fact that they have initials on them is enough. Let's get one big hat with all of our initials. That's a great idea. Well, okay, here's the surprise. I saw you coming down the bramble path

and I can whip these up pretty quick, okay? So here you go. I have one for A for Arnie. Ooh! Okay, and then one for you, Sodor, with a U. Oh! Wow. Smart just going with one letter for all of us.

Thanks, it's easy, but here's the rub. I did chants, but an H is really hard to sew, so here's chants, so he's gotta wear that one. Oh. Oh, there's no H. Mm-hmm, there's no H. Look, Ernie, I'm a cunt in a hat. Didn't you say that was a character back on Earth?

I've heard that. That there's, like, books about or something? Sure. He's always rhyming. Trying to think. Oh, yes. Mm-hmm. You know, the cunt in the hat.

Yeah. You know what? We don't need to protect that doctor. That's fine. Just say that he would say something like that. You guys are looking good. These are handsome, handsome hats, handsome hats. What do you think?

I'm quite smitten by mine hat. Chunt, you look incredible. Yeah, there's armholes on mine, so I'm kind of putting it down around my waist. Like I'm really swimming in this and I love it. Arnie, you haven't said much. Do you like yours? I'm feeling, there's like a weird sensation

inside the hat, like on the top of my head. I guess I don't normally feel that in a hat. Yeah, I squeezed a little balm in yours to maybe give you a little bit of the willy dillies, relax you a little bit. Okay, I am in the market for some willy dillies. Mm-hmm, yeah. Okay, now, you're looking for villains.

Now, you run some stuff by me, and maybe I can let you know if they've bought some hats. Maybe, maybe. Well, I haven't seen, I haven't seen Dr. Cold in a long time. Have you run into Dr. Cold? Hmm, Dr. Cold, let's see. Dr. Cold. Yes, slept with him last week.

He's been gone for about two. You do the math. I hope he wore a hat. Yeah, DC. His had two initials on it. He was a good lay. That's exciting. I feel like with the name Dr. Cold,

I feel like he wouldn't be a good lover. Maybe I'm just being presumptuous. Well, I run real hot. I'm in witch paws right now, so anything to cool these parts down, I'll take it. Sure. Onnie, that's Isis. I'm so sorry.

I didn't think we needed to worry about Isis anymore, but I guess we do. Don't assume. It just makes a hat out of you and me. What about the mysterious DOG? Ooh, oh boy. No, haven't seen him or her or it. So mysterious.

Okay, okay. Who else, who else, who else? Well, I wanted to back up for one second. Now, if you haven't seen the mysterious DOG, but you did see Dr. Cold, and they disappeared two days ago, you said? Yes, what is this, some sort of crime drama? It's not an interrogation,

if that's what you're suggesting. So is this an interrogation? Nay, I would not dare. We simply, we just simply, look, my partners here can get really bent out of shape sometimes, you know, if you cross them, but I'm here to help you. I just, I, you know, I came here, I'm wearing your cool hat, I brought you this cup of coffee.

Now I just need to know what you know, like so, you know, I'm your pal, I'm your buddy. Arnie, Arnie, what, Chun Chunchun I think don't say chun-chun I think you sort of setting you up to be bad wizard you know the classic good wizard bad wizard oh I am would be bad at being a wizard yeah get in there get in there look so before my friend flies off the handle just tell us what you know. I'm keeping tight lipped. These witch lips are tight. This is bullshit.

Sorry, am I doing it right? This is bullshit. Don't let me at her. Let me at her. I'm gonna do turn those cameras off. I'm gonna go crazy. Stop smacking your hat. Cameras, what are you talking about?

Arnie, oh my goodness, I've never seen such a force of nature before. Cut the shit. We need to know about these villains. Okay, fine, fine. They left two weeks ago, and they said they wouldn't be back because they didn't like my hats,

and they weren't going to tell their friends about them, so they're never allowed back into the witch shack again. Oh, chun chun. Yeah, don't say chun chun. Chun chun. Should I enter as apathetic wizard? Oh, go ahead. That's what I was about to say.

It looks like Arnie's playing bad wizard. It's time for you to play apathetic wizard. So get in there. Okay, okay. Ahem. I'll be wacky wizard right after you. Sounds good, sounds good. Hey. I'll be wacky wizard right after you. Ah, sounds good, sounds good. Hey, I might quit this job.

Oh, oh, yeah, I could see that. Yeah, I'm feeling kind of bleh. Yeah, well, I could always use an extra hand around here. Chopping brambles or sewing hats or sweeping porches. Yeah, funny thing about a porch, every time every time you sweep it needs to be swept again. Oh fine. He left two days ago Oh my goodness. It worked. It worked. We did sir. We we don't need wacky wizard, but I wouldn't mind seeing wacky wizard Hey everybody. What do you think about banana hammock? I kind of like it What's in there? Bananas.

Can I see one of them? Sure! Well, we gotta... I'm so mad, we gotta go to break. We're not, whatever. We are. Everyone has that friend who seems kind of perfect. For Patty, that friend was Desiree. Until one day, I texted her and she was not getting the text.

So I went to Instagram and she has no Instagram anymore. And Facebook, no Facebook anymore. Desiree was gone. And there was one person who knew the answer. I am a spiritual person, a magical person, a witch. A gorgeous Brazilian influencer called Cat Torres, but who was hiding a secret. From Wandery, based on my smash hit podcast from Brazil, comes a new series, Don't Cross Cat, about a search that led me to a mystery in a Texas suburb.

I'm calling to check on the two missing Brazilian girls. Maybe get some undercover crew there. The family are freaking out. They are lost. I'm Chico Felitti. You can listen to Don't Cross Cat on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Everybody, we have some exciting news that we wanna share. If you wanna go on an adventure with Generation Y,

we'd love for you to join us. January 26th through the 30th, 2026, we'll be sailing from Miami to the Bahamas on Wondry's first ever True Crime Cruise aboard the Norwegian Joy. Aaron and I will be there to chat, hang out, dive into all things true crime, and we're thrilled to be joined by some familiar voices

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So for some sun fun and just the right amount of mystery solving, come join us. Ready to jump on this seriously epic adventure? Book your cabin right now at exhibitseacruise.com. Well, if Dr. Coles been missing for two days, that very well could mean that he didn't care for you as a lover. But I think it's far more likely, knowing what a magnificent lover Claudia is, it well known throughout the realm, that it's far more likely that what trip fang told us is true That villains are disappearing into the very ether Yeah, I could see that just blowing up into the mist their skin dissolving into tiny droplets of rain

Claudia just sucking them down like bramble juice. Wait a minute, that's a pretty specific description. Did you see Dr. Cole? Yeah, have you seen this happen? Okay, you got me, I saw this happen. He disappeared into the ether, you got me. All three of you. Wait, he disappeared into the ether

and you just started sucking the liquid sweat or whatever that was left behind out of the air? Okay, don't act like you're the only pervert around here. Claudia's got a trick or two, upper nose. Have you seen any others disappear, or is this the only one? That was the only one that I saw completely disappear up into the ether. Oh. Oh. Oh, Arnie, what are we here to do? I mean, I guess we just let the villains all go away.

I mean. But the very balance of power here, perhaps this is some nefarious plot of the wizards, for they don't see themselves as villains, but perhaps they're causing villains to disappear. It would be bad for the podcast, because traditionally villains are amongst the best guests on the show.

If we only had do-gooders on the show, it would really suck. Well, how about this? I promise you if any wizard comes and asks for a hat, I send them to you. That would be good. Yes, please let us know if you hear any of the movements of those other wizards,

those terrible bastards who have churned their back on their true callings. I tell you this, I know what we should do. We should cast a spell, a tracking spell to see if we can follow the trail that Dr. Cold left behind. Chunt, do you wanna do that? Do I wanna cast the spell?

Yeah. I'll give it a whirl. Go, cunt, do you want to do that? Do I want to cast this spell? Yeah. I'll give it a whirl. Go, Cunt, go. Uh, Ysaur, can I borrow one of your spell books? Oh, sure, here you go. Here's funny spells and other gags to use your friends. Okay, how to make a spoon levitate, how to make one ball into three balls. I'll save that for later. What else, what else? I got your nose. I put your nose back. There's a butthole thing all over again

I wish wacky wizard had been here when you had that three balls thing. Let's see. Oh, here we go how to Track someone. Okay. There's a few spells here appellate tag appellar tag. Okay Okay A peller tag, okay. Okay. Namanamanasi budu. Ishka woobada. Amara abadi yuupadi. Atata wa. Okay, did that do anything?

You see like a faint line of energy, magical energy anywhere? Hmm, hmm, brr brr brr brr. Kind of weird magic stuff around here. I mean this is a witch's shag. Where are all my bramble juices gone? Oh no. Chunt what you do.

I drank it, it was so good. Makes me feel like I'm drinking fire. Oh God. I'll pay for it, Ernie so good! Makes me feel like I'm drinking fire. Oh, God. I'll pay for it, Arnie. Pay up, Arnie. Me? Yeah, Arnie. Pay up. I guess I do own our current tavern. Oh wait, Arnie, Arnie, wait, one second.

I left my money in the cart outside. Arnie, there's a spell in this book to make fake money. Oh, okay. Cool la la cool, cool la la cool, life saver, yum. Just from reading this out of the book, how do you know what rhythm this spell is supposed to have? I don't know, you just feel it out. Okay.

Well, here you go, here's a hundred gold pieces. A hundred gold pieces? Well this is clearly fake, but I'll take it. I mean a hundred gold pieces gotta be worth something. Oh yeah, fake or real. I can, you know what, I'll put a spell on it later to make it real. Y'all, you tried, you tried. Ah, what a delight.

I'm so proud of you, Chon. Mm-hmm. Claudia, can I ask, how you doing out here? Just sorta isolated out in this shack in the middle of the swamp? Oh, I love it. Are you kidding me? I'm just hitting my stride. I'm taking shots of bramble juice every night, a different lover in my bed. Sorry, Usador. Every day. What?

What? Every day? Every day. What does that scare you, Arnie? Doesn't scare me. I mean, God is blessed. Does it frighten you to think of a woman which this sexual? Arnie, you did tell me on the walk over that you hate when women have sex. Oh, I knew it. I was just quoting a thinker on earth, Jason Voorhees.

But I don't mind being out here alone. The sounds, the animals, the visitors. I mean, you know, you three, I know you'll find me again. Are you concerned that we're going to lose track of you? I don't know, I haven't seen you in quite some time. I mean, a lady does like visitors out here, you sir door. I suppose we haven't been as attentive as we could have been. Yes.

My apologies. I blamed you for that. You know, I did write you some poetry at some point. Oh, I'd love to hear it. Ernie, why don't you and I go, I think I saw a frog out this walk. Why don't we go out and see that frog? Okay, I hate frogs, but let's go look at it.

You're just gonna go look at frogs? Leave me here? Yeah. We'll be back in, what do you think Ernie? Five minutes? Yeah. Four'll be back in, what do you think, already five minutes? Yeah. Four and a half. Alright. Wouldn't you like to hear this poem, Eucidore?

Why yes, Claudia, I would love to hear the poem. Hmm. Wizards be true, wizards be great. I don't want to be alone and masturbate. Stay in my shack, wickety-whack. Pull out one, two bananas. Don't care if it's sharp as a thumbtack. Oh, grow with me, dear wizard.

Stay in my pond forever and ever and ever and yonder. What do you think, Ysador? It's the, there's a certain amount of sadness that comes through, even though it does mention sharp bananas. That is undeniable. I can't help but let my heart go out to thee. I must tell thee, I have had a certain amount of heartbreak

this past year. For my beloved Ginlevia the Red, that great red wizard herself has become one of these fallen wizards, one of these corrupt minions of the dark forces who come to in now. Oh, are you shocked? What a whore! What? I mean, my goodness, are you shocked? What a whore. What?

I mean, my goodness. You're shocked at that? Even the witches, we would talk about that wizard all the time, it'd be like, what a whore. Oh my gosh. You always thought Jenlevia was a whore. Jenlevia has slept with more wizards than a donkey's got humps.

I know that. Not just wizards either. It was forest animals. Oh. I think it was some moss and some lichen. It got nuts up in there. Well, you know, don't put it past lichen to pleasure a woman.

Nuts up in there? I thought you were looking at frogs. No, no, sorry. We were walking. We thought you finished because we heard you say nuts up in there. I know. No, no, sorry. We were walking... We thought you finished because we heard you say nuts up in there.

I know. Ugh. Well, I'm sorry for your heartbreak, Usador. Well, it's just that, you know, I finally am unencumbered, and I suppose, Claudia, if you would take me on as a lover, our lovers we could be. Of course! You don't come humping around my shack for nothing. I do seem to recall coming to your shack What's at midnight for some reason? Why did I do that? Do you remember you sir? Don't I'll meet you at your shack at midnight

You need to come to my shack at midnight Getting rid of these two the Contenani and you can come back to my check at midnight I'll lose them in the bramble. Don't you worry now fine? We'll go look at another dumb fucking frog. Come on, Chud. Why does everybody want to fuck Usador? I don't get that. It's not midnight, it can only happen at midnight.

That's when Claudia's at her moistest. Come back in, we've got a couple hours. Whoa, that's a long refractory period, but okay. It's all right. We should enjoy the brambleberry juice, and in the meantime, if we can resolve this mystery, if there's any other way to determine what has perhaps happened to the wizards. I know, Claudia.

Do you have one of those big, what do you call it, like a cauldron? Do you have a cauldron? Do you have like a classic witch's cauldron? I'm a witch, you dipshit. I've got, look it, I'm gonna open this closet door. Oh, you got like 20 cauldrons. Take your pick, all types of materials,

metals, stone, whatever you want. Grab one. Since Chunt's tracking spell didn't work, we should cast a spell to see if we can look into the future with your cauldron. All right, get in there. Grab it, let's go. All right, let's grab a cauldron.

Arnie, grab one side of this cauldron. Okay. She also has to-go cauldron. All right, get in there, grab it, let's go. All right, let's grab a cauldron. Arnie, grab one side of this cauldron. Okay. She also has to-go cauldrons. Oh. Yeah, I could put some bramble juice in there for you. They're a little heavy, but you know. Wouldn't mind that, yeah.

And you put this little umbrella in it, that's fun. Oh, of course, yes, that umbrella grows and grows into a dragon. Are these cauldrons dishwasher safe? Mm-hmm. 100%. They could be whatever you'd like them to be, but don't use that one, it'll melt. Oh, okay.

Ooh, okay, there we go. We got the big one out, though. What do you usually start with? Some hot water, I assume? Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Grab some hot water. There's... Cold water.

Yeah, that is hot. Yeah, there you go. You know, I totally forgot you're a grab some hot water. There's cold water. Yeah, there's hot. You know, I totally forgot you're a witch with like, cold water. That makes sense. All the frogs outside had no eyes. Oh, yeah, I got rid of their eyes years ago. You think I want those pervert frogs looking at me get out of my witch garments

every night? Wait, hold on. Oh, it's a privacy thing, not a spell thing. It's not an ingredient. So you're not collecting ingredients? You're just blinding frogs in case they'll see you get freaky deaky? Not a spell thing. It's not ingredients, you're not collecting ingredients, you're just blinding frogs in case they'll see you get freaky deaky. Yeah, I don't need frogs seeing my bits and grits. Are you out of your mind? Frogs are known to be perverts, ugh.

Oh yeah, definitely. Think about Squibbit. One of the biggest perverts we know. Yeah, for sure. Oh, yeah. Oh, I see you've got some components here on the wall. You've got newt. Yes.

I've got to put some newts in there, and what else? What are the best witch ingredients? Yeah, what are your favorite ingredients? Not even necessarily what needs to go in this. What are your favorites? Okay, newts up there, that's number one. The bottle here says, poot of newt? Yes, poot of newt.

So you cut out a Newt's Pout. You know, you've got to slice it real, real, almost surgically. You know, you can't be half hazard with slicing out a Newt's Pout. So I got a couple of those. In smaller text underneath there, it says, Sushi Grain. Oh yeah, you can have them sashimi'd

or right up on some brown moss. Mm, mm, mm. Yeah, yeah, you can have them sashimi'd right up on some brown moss. Mm, mm, mm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, newt, really hot item. Let's see, what else? Now, a dragon's nipple. Boy, I only have one of those. Yusador? Yes?

Would you like to use my dragon's nipple? I'm not sure. Sure, yes. Yes, please. Throw it in there, see what happens. Oh, okay, sure. Here we go. All right.

We'll get you some more. Oh, wow. Well, that is... Don't promise her that. Arnie, we'll get her some more. Well, I think the umbrella and the cauldron, in our to-go cauldron, will turn into a dragon, so we'll absolutely get her some more.

Then you gotta just rip its nips, you know? Easy as one, two, three. I'm just gonna make a note here to remember another thing we gotta do this season. Rip a nipple off a dragon at some point. Hashtag rip nip. Ooh, arugula. Oh, yeah, that's fresh. I've been growing that out in my little greenhouse in the back. Just straight up from seed

You know no witchy stuff. Yeah now you store Isn't that what you screamed when I showed you a poster of a naked lady you pounded the table. It's an arugula Arugula you said are you looking at posters of naked ladies? I Would never chunt force me to I. I looked away as soon as I could. What the fuck? Ugh. Chunt, I'm so sorry. I just didn't want to get in trouble.

No, it's fine, it's fine. This is all because of that slut wizard you dated. Jenlevia? Yes, Jenlevia. What happened to her anyway? Did she go slut around too much and get her slut card revoked? Well, no.

I smashed a gem and then all the wizards lost their immortality and she became afraid so when you're afraid you tend to act out and you, you know, become like a warlord who's probably causing the despair and pain of thousands around her. She amasses land and power. Sounds like she needs a therapist. Yes, indeed. Indeed, I agree, wholeheartedly.

Okay, finally, next to the arugula, why don't you grab one more thing for your potion, and this is Tip's blood. Do you know what a tip is? No. Neither do I. Grab it, put it in there, see what happens. Okay.

Is it just a guy named Tip? Yeah, probably. He probably came around sniffing around the shack, and I gave him the old one too. And not sex this time. Oh, oh, oh. Wait, I know Tip. It stands for Tony is pervert.

Oh, that's right. You got it. Oh. Honestly, I hated that guy, so this is for the best. You know what? And I can sniff a pervert from a mile away, so I'm actually glad I did away with him. Yeah.

But they like it when you sniff them from a mile away. That's true. The thing I hated about him the most is he already had a name. His name is Tony. And then he gave him the name Tip, and he's like, Tony is pervert. And you're like, what are you doing? That's not even proper speaking.

He would always point to himself and go, just the Tip. And he'd be like, get the fuck out of here. What of you doing? It's not even proper speaking. He would always point to himself and go, just the tip. And be like, get the fuck out of here. What a horn ball. Oh. He walked into my shack going, Tony is pervert, acting like he was hypnotized or something. And I was like, that's a, I'm done with you. And drained his blood.

Ani, I'm not afraid to say it now that Tip has died, but those are my least favorite episodes of Hello from the Magic Tavern. When Tip was a guest, I just, I didn't like them. I didn't like talking to Tip, and usually I try to be welcoming to the guest, whoever they are, whatever they are. I don't remember those at all.

You don't. Have you been doing episodes without me? You don't remember going, hey, Tony is pervert, just the Tip. He's always like, what has two thumbs and is a pervert? Oh yes, for the listening audience at home, you should know that we're constantly pointing at ourselves with our thumbs when we impersonate tip.

Arnie, how do you not remember that, you pervert? I guess I don't know. He's sort of, he's the guy who would come in the tavern and be like, hey, I'm fucking here. Arnie, come on. That I like. Look, he can't be all bad. That you like? Oh my gosh.

Well, that's one I didn't sleep with just killed. So you're in good company, Usador. Meaning I'm not going to kill you. Oh, oh, wow. That was close. Now who knows what's going to happen at midnight, though. Claudia, I appreciate that you've never, as far as I can remember, threatened to kill us.

Oh, why would I? You little puss buckets. I couldn't do any harm to the three of you. That'd be almost cruel. Yeah, we're sort of so pathetic, it's not even worth threatening us. That's what I was going to say. It's so, you know, I like seeing you,

but it's also sad and pitiful. Aw, thank you. I'm a little puss bucket. Look, Arnie, I'm a puss bucket. You did say puss, right, not piss? Yes, puss bucket, yes. So you can fill your puss buckets with whatever you'd like, yeah.

It's weird to call you puss bucket. It feels like a hat on a hat on a cunt. Pussin', pussin' butt. Pussin' butt? Pussin' bucket. Pussin' bucks? Let's take a quick break while we figure that out. Imagine this.

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At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen. and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming

and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. All right, I'm just going to plant some cocaine in this cauldron, because I'm still a bad wizard. Wait, what Ernie?

I'm just subtly still doing a bad wizard storyline over here. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Good wizard, bad wizard. Blanding evidence. I can't. No, I got it. I got it. Yeah, in case you have to come back and bust her later. Oh, wait a minute. Were you going to tell me you had cocaine? You weren't gonna tell me you had cocaine. Are you kidding me? That's a witch's favorite drug. It's really just planting amount. It's not even really enough to really like use. It's just enough It's like give me that

Thank you, Arnie, oh yeah Thank you, Arnie. Oh, yeah. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Oh, woo! She snorted the whole bag up her, like plastic at all, up her nose. Ooh, cocaine! Claudia feels good.

Oh, thank you, Arnie. Witch Shack Baby! Ah ha! Now that you're high as a kite, can you help us see into the future with the cauldron? Yes, I can. It's beginning to bubble and boil. All right, let me say my spell and you tell me what you see.

Oh. Look into the cauldron. What do you see? Thank you for the coca-yene for you and you and me. Close your eyes and open your hearts, and now you will see when Claudia lets out a big fart. Even with the fart, I prefer that to a wizard spell. What do you see?

I see a tall man dressed in a purple cloak of some kind. What do you see? He appears to be a dastardly villain of some kind. He's trying to make out his garb. He has a hat with a big A on it. Whoa. Is that Arnie? I think it's Arnie.

I thought it was a villain at first, but it appears to be Arnie. Arnie, do you become a villain in the future? Should I smite you even now? You really took to be Arnie. Oh. Arnie, do you become a villain in the future? Should I smite you even now? You really took to that bad wizard. Look, I've told you so many times, I'm not evil. I have flirted with evil a little bit, I guess. Ooh, what'd you do? I just hung out with the Red Queen Mercia.

You know, we were permabuddies. Oh, that's right. It was between seasons. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Woo! Oh, I forgot Claudia's suited. She's going nuts over there. Alright.

She's running on the walls. Ah, Arnie, if you're not truly evil, what could this premonition mean? Oh, Yusudor, chun-chun, I had an idea. Chun-chun. If we're worried about villains disappearing, maybe we should do some kind of like undercover sting. By that I mean, we pretend to be villains, and then maybe then the people we're looking for will just come and find us. Sounds easier, right, than tromping around trying to find them? Yeah, it sounds like a good plan in theory, but Ari, I'm a little worried that if you pretend to be a villain that you might like the way it feels,

because you sort of saw a vision of you as a villain. Maybe what I saw was Arnie pretending to be a villain. Yeah, what was my facial expression like in this premonition? Well, you had a fake mustache, Ard, and you were sort of twirling it. Oh, I'm sold, sold, gone, I'm gonna be evil, gonna be evil.

In a way that I thought he's really kind of Trying too hard to be evil. It's a bit of a cliche Sounds like me Okay, hear me out. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. What what did you guys? Did you just run around the swamp? Oh, I feel great Okay, they're really on me out. What if what if you guys pretended to be villains, but you weren't really villains? So one of you pretended to be a villain, then the other one pretended to be a villain,

and then another presented to be a villain, and then you all were villains trying to trick the other villains. Wow, Claudia, that's a great idea. Really? The cocaine has her mind moving so fast and so slow at the same time. I feel alive. Oh, look look she's dancing like an asshole

Let's okay with villains villains villains Well, I already have this eye patch I guess I could shave my beard to have a mustache or I could just put a fake mustache on top of my beard Right. That's what I saw. Okay. I was speaking of beard. Let me grow out Grows some fur so I have a big bushy beard and let me grow out my claws. Okay Yeah, and I'm who I'm a little sinister. Okay. Mm-hmm. You're scaring me a little bit if I'm being perfect Yeah, okay. Yeah, you sir, what do you got?

Well, let's see, I guess I suppose I could cast a glamour on myself and make myself look like an ogre. Error! Trollocalli! My name is Rock Hudson. Oh my gosh, who's this ogre? I've never been more sexually attracted in my life Something tells me you're not gonna sleep with Rock Hudson

Oh she's gone already. Okay, so Healing Rock Hudson or just Rock Hudson? Rock Hudson. Yeah, cuz healing is for good guys. OK. Yeah, I smash things. Whoa! Will that do as a villain disguise? I guess so, yeah. And Arnie, look, I got the big beard in my claws,

and I'm Darkwater Dave, the pirate. Darkwater Dave? Yeah. Oh, that was weird. Was that good? Was that convincing? That was pretty good. OK, now Arnie, that was weird. Was that good? Was that convincing? That was pretty good. Okay, now Arnie, you do yours.

I'm evil. Look at me. Chip Sky Guy. Airline pilot from Earth, but also evil. Okay. I think you definitely need that purple cloak. That's gonna make a big difference. Claudia, I know, Claudia, do you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm back, I'm back. She popped out of the pantry. That's gonna make a big difference I was having a couple of witch cookies in there Claudia do you have a purple cloak or anything that I could borrow? Yep, there it is. It's weird that you said that while you opened that closet, but thank you. This is nice! And it does look kind of evil, but in a stylish sort of way. I sewed that when I was making cloaks. That was, you know, before the amulets, before... It doesn't matter, it looks great on you, it looks just freaking great! Stop chopping vegetables. And just pay attention for a second. before it doesn't matter it looks great on you it looks just freaking great stop chopping

vegetables and and just just pay attention for a second do we look evil to you let's see yes you look incredibly evil you still like like perverts the old perverts that i used to know but evil perverts and i think it'll do, boys. I think it'll do. Arnie, you got any more of that cocaine? Um, let's see. The third one is, it says ketamine? Ah. Oh. Oh, I'm seeing some things.

Whoa, she put on sunglasses. Oh, I guess that's what daddy meant. Thanks, Arnie. Well, I suppose this is as good a time as any. Now that we have our disguises, we should just wait to see if we disappear. I assume that whatever this spell is, or this nefarious being who's causing this to happen, shall find us soon enough. I mean, I guess while we wait, Claudia, do you mind if we answer some emails? Oh, yeah, go for it. I'm just thinking about how I was raised.

You need some more bramble-bear juice? Yeah, I'll take a hit. There you go. Thanks. Here's an email. You can send us emails at magictavern at puppies.supplies. It's a real email address. Also, you can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern

and message us there. Here's one we got recently. Hello, this is Batch Beat Trip. Hello. Look, that's the email they can't hear well I guess they can hear you now anyway hello this is batch be trippin from the patreon I loved the limited time t-shirt with usador saying only you can prevent drugs unfortunately it's short life occurred during a time where

financially it was not a good idea to get it. Husband and I both lost our jobs within a week. I was just wondering if you guys might be able to bring the shirt back soon. I love the idea of a t-shirt that can be purchased in tie-dye that features a wizard saying only you can prevent drugs. And I would be devastated for the rest of my life if I knew that I could never own such a wonderful shirt. Pretty please bring back this masterpiece of a t-shirt. Pretty please podcast daddies. A fan since 2017, Bachely Beaumont Trippington III Esquire. Huh.

I don't know. It feels like I've said so many wonderful things in this episode that are t-shirt worthy. Like oh, is this newt?, hmm, what are some other ones? Yeah, I'm trying to think. Have you said anything that wasn't bullshit this episode? Oh, probably the best thing that should be a shirt is like, Puss Buckets, was that you, Ysidor? Did you say Puss Buckets?

That was not me. Oh, that's me, Puss Buckets, yeah. Okay, oh, probably the second best thing was, oh, that's me, poor buckets. Yeah, I hate you. Okay, oh, probably the second best thing was, oh, that's what daddy meant. Was that you, Ysidor? No, that was me. Oh, that was you, okay. Oh, maybe witch cookies?

Was that you, Ysidor? No, that wasn't me, that was Claudia yet again. That was me. Ysidor, it seems like this listener, it would mean a lot to them if we put the only you can prevent drugs Usador shirt back into the store. But also we are evil now. Oh.

So maybe we should just be like, fuck no, we don't do that, we're too evil for that sort of thing. Well, we're only pretending to be evil. That's true. I suppose we could put it back there for a limited time if the gods of tea public allow it. Oh, I have an idea.

Yeah? Since we're evil, bad little boys, a couple of perverts, why don't we bring back- Naughty Nellies. Since in the story you can not just get a shirt or a sweater, but you can also get stickers What if we bring it back only as a sticker and they have to buy like, I don't know, 15 to 20 stickers and stick them all over their body to wear it as a shirt? Stickers as a shirt? Is that is that evil or is that that's dumb? Never mind. That's dumb. That is evil. No, it's not dumb It's it's it's dumb. It's inspired.

It's thinking outside of the bun. I appreciate it. You always say that. Yeah, I do. I have an idea. Whoever wrote this missive, if they send me a half pound of sweet cocaine, I'll make them a T-shirt.

Oh. Half pound of cocaine for one T-shirt. I think, I mean, in food, that's a deal. Seems like a good dealoon that's a deal. That's good sense, that's just good math. And legal, hmm, so legal. So just address that to witch in the swamp, Foon, and then make sure your return address is on it.

Yes, in care of witch shack. I wonder how often on my world, just a package full of cocaine comes into the postal service that just says witch in a swamp and a return address on it. I bow often than you'd think. Probably a lot, Arnie. People love cocaine. Claudia, should they put anything more specific,

like you can't be the only witch in the swamp, right? Oh, witch in the swamp, care of witch shack, north of the eyeless frogs. That'll be more specific, yeah. I'm the only one who doesn't like those little bastards looking at my cha-chas, so yeah. Cha-chas? Yes, I have multiple cha-chas,

which you, Sodor, will find out later on. Chonchon, it seems like Claudia has some kind of a spell over Ysidor sometimes, have you ever noticed that? No, I think she just has them sort of under her thumb. Right? Yeah, I guess that might be it. Because any time she yells at him, his eyes go completely white,

and he starts to vibrate and float off the floor about two feet, you know Yeah, and his willy-dilly's oh, it's when he's at his sexiest I love his vibrato Look watch who you're criticizing baby dawn Right. Oh, is that me? That is not my villain name, by the way. Baby Dong is not my villain name. We'll see. I suppose, Claudia, that we should make our way out of here.

I'll be back directly at midnight. You'll be back directly at midnight. Well, it was so nice to see you trouble-making preverts. Boy, I hope you come back. Thank you. We hope to find you again and support whatever business you got going. Thanks. I move shacks once a year, but I take everything with me. So just know that. Yeah. Which can't stay in one place for too long.

Claudia, it's so nice to see you. You really are one of our favorites. And it's so fun to see you, even though you're a little bit evil. And I apologize that every time we come to see you it's because we need to get something but we really do just enjoy your company. Oh thank you well that is a witch's job she provides and Arnie this time you provided for me thank you for getting me high as the day is long. No no problem. Enchant.

You should become a drug dealer. Oh well I would think about that. Enchant you look good, you old cunt. So do you, and just because you were so nice to us, here's a little, don't tell Arnie, here's a little more of the Devil's Dandruff. If you want to go skiing. Ooh! Hit the nose slopes if you know what I mean.

It's cocaine, it's cocaine. Ba-ba-bow, ba-ba-bow, mm-mm-mm-mm, ba-ba-bow. Where'd you get a bass guitar? I mean, that's what happens. I snort and then I play bass until wee hours of the morning. We should go. She's not gonna miss me. She's not gonna miss me. Oh, well, should we go or should we join the band?

You don't want to join that band. All witches be bitches. See you later Claudia. Alright, see you later. Bye Claudia. See you directly at midnight. Bravers. Guys, it was so nice seeing Claudia again. Yeah, you seem to really enjoy seeing Claudia.

Is that a wand in your robes? Oh yeah, that's a one Yeah, it's a want watch out for those brambles It's all right, I I think though now that we're getting away from here I'm wondering if we should emanate sort of an evil energy sort of a put kind of an evil aura out into the world and the hopes that it will cause whatever is attracting the evil forces towards us. Yeah, just like jump to it.

Like if we're gonna be pretending to be evil, let's go big with it. Yeah. Sucker punch. Ooh, oh, thank you. And a slap to you. Oh, yeah, yeah. If you stay evil, you don't gotta get evil. So, before we go out into being evil again, can everyone remind me what your evil names are?

Yeah, let me grow my beard in my closet. And I'm Darkwater Dave, the pirate. I'm Rock Hudson. And I'm Chip Sky Guy, and you can know that's me by the A on my hat. I do sense an evil aura surrounding us. What is that? Oh, yes. Our acts of evil, of punching one another and being unkind to one another, making fun of Arnie's A in our head, caused the evil to surround us.

That's all it takes to be a villain? Wait, but we've been doing that since season one. You should have heard what I was thinking. Oh, okay. Oh, wait, oh, I feel something's happening. Oh yeah, I feel like a tug in my tummy or something. Oh, we just got real cold. Whoa! my tummy or something. Whoa. Oh, we just got real cold. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Where are we? All right, all right there. Move along, move along. Are we at some kind of prison? topless tower keep moving you're here now you gotta check in oh no prison we already did this in season two already the topless tower machi machi oh it sounds kind of enticing although this place doesn't feel very sexy and now it's a terrible place I've heard of it in legend it's a tall tower with no top so it rains directly on you oh though there are many

villains and and and ne'er-do-ills kept here, they're constantly exposed to the elements. Keep in line, boys. No talking to each other. Your The Tobless Tower has become a lot more secure than it used to be. The wizards have taken over, and now it's a maximum security prison for villains. Whaaat? Maximum security? That's right, and we've also added 10 more feet of tower.

So don't get any big ideas of scaling up the walls. Why is that guy flying out right now? Ah shit, one sec. Oh my godesses! They shot him down with a firebolt immediately! He's dead. He's so dead. Nah, don't worry.

Nah, nobody dies at the top of this tower. Oh, good. He seems like he's on fire. Yeah, it'll go out. Hmm. Nobody dies. Never mind the screams. Why are you winking? That's not a bad t- dies. Never mind the screams. Why are you winking?

That's not a bad t-shirt, never mind the screams. Ow! No talking. Well, sorry, some talking. Yeah, only talk enough to keep this interesting for the listener. Oh, do you listen? I would never listen. I'm a big fan, don't tell everyone.

Oh, thank you. Most of the gods here listen to podpires. Fuck, fuck, fuck. But don't worry all this into you guys. You can always count on me. My name's Tim. Oh, shit. Tony, no.

You know, we've been chugging along for ten years, and our heroes have gotten out of all sorts of close scrapes, but I've just got a feeling that this time, they're going to die and this whole experiment is over. Call it wishful nihilism. Use it or the wizard was played, for the last time, who can say? By Matt Young, Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rifai, R.I.P. Claudia the Witch was played by special guest Beth Maluski, to see Beth perform in person, and I can tell you it's the comedy equivalent of a supermoon. Check out the Improvise Shakespeare Company at I.O. Chicago, and Forward in Comfortable Shoes, a variety show the first Saturday of every

month at the Bugghouse Theater. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Don't join Patreon through the Apple app, you know that by now! Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate Producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. We're taking next week off for Spring Break. Can we do that? Well, we're doing it. Next week, we'll have an unlocked episode from the Patreon in the main feed. And then we'll be back on Monday, April 14th with a new episode to kick off Evil April. All villain episodes. Just what I needed. Oops, all drip fangs. Beginning with the return of Jason Mantzoukas.

See you then. ["Witch in a Swamp"] Don't you know there's a witch in a swamp and she's lonely sometimes? All she wants are a couple of visitors so she can tell her rhymes. Doodly doodly doodly do, diddley diddley dee. Oh daddy if you could see me now you'd be proud of me. In the early hours of December 4th, 2024, CEO Brian Thompson stepped out onto the streets

of Midtown Manhattan. This assailant pulls out a weapon and starts firing at him. We're talking about the CEO of the biggest private health insurance corporation in the world. And the suspect. He has been identified as Luigi Nicolass Mangione. Became one of the most divisive figures in modern criminal history was targeted premeditated and meant to sow terror. I'm Jesse Weber host of

Luigi produced by law and crime and twist this is more than a true crime investigation we explore a uniquely American moment that could change the country forever. He's awoken the people to a true issue. the country forever. He's awoking the people to a true issue. Finally maybe this would lead rich and powerful people to acknowledge the barbaric nature of our healthcare system. Listen to Law and Crimes Luigi exclusively on Wondery Plus. You can join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Spotify, or Apple podcasts.