Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 51 - Prison Prince Vantis (w/ Jason Mantzoukas)

Episode Date: April 14, 2025

As Arnie, Chunt, and Usidore adjust to life as prisoners in the Topless Tower, Sweet Prince Vantis arrives to show them the ropes.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSweet Prince Vantis: Jason MantzoukasMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Creatures who live in the pocket of dark matter behind Neptune and whose only food source is tariffs. What a time to be alive, right? Well, we had a long break and we had all these plans to study story structure and plot development. But it was either that or White Lotus. And nothing comes between me and Parker Posey doing an accent. So sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon, now in our

tenth year. Now in prison. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Ten years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago. Guard, guard, guard. Oh, guard's coming. Okay. Murder, murder, murder. It's me, Rock Hudson.

Murder. Okay, he's gone, he's gone. Coast is clear. Do we feel like we're convincing in our evil banter and chat? I listened to how many times we said murder just now. That's true, we did. Oh, 10 years ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast chronicling our adventures in Foon. Unfortunately, we've been zapped to a maximum security prison for villains, and that's where we're doing the podcast now and honor You said that zapped was one of your favorite films zapped one of my favorite films all especially

the ethics of that movie Unimpeachable but once again want to be clear. I'm talking as a villain. I'm talking as a villain now Mm-hmm, man. I wish we had gone into a minimal security prison I know it would be so much easier to get out I'm talking as a villain now. Man, I wish we had gone into a minimal security prison. I know, it would be so much easier to get out. I would love to just fly right out of here, but you saw what happened last week. Someone just got obliterated.

So listeners, if you didn't listen last week, shame on you. But also, we are in the topless tower, an evil prison, I believe, run by wizards, filled with the worst villains in all of Foon food and arnie. I think a tower can be Topless and bottomless as long as there's no drinks, but if there are drinks, it can only be topless. I believe yes Yes, and there has to be pastries, right? Yes, two pastries per person. I believe they just actually they dropped off our pastries for today. Let me

person. Oh, they just actually they dropped off our pastries for today. Let me. Mmm. It's pretty good. It's like an eclair. Yeah. I will say the accommodations here are overall pretty bad, but the pastries are delicious. So good. Now, Arnie, now that we've infiltrated this villain prison, how should we go about letting these villains free. I mean they're being held here without due process Which I have recently come to believe is necessary I'm gonna blow your mind here. I don't know if Kings should be allowed to just do whatever the hell they want It does seem like the Wizards are unduly benefiting from the prison system They've set up like do you know that this prison has the most prisoners of any other part of food? Did you know that Tim Tam the Teal has a pastry business? Conflict of interest.

Mm-hmm. Did you know that the shapeshifter head weighs 35 pounds? Did you know that Luke Skywalker was originally called Luke's Skykiller? Who? Or something like that? What?

You wouldn't mean anything. I don't know if that's exactly right. But I would know. I think that's right. Plus, I'm not from your world. No one here would know differently. Oh yeah, didn't you say Ryan Gosling invented jizz or something? Mm-hmm, invented jizz.

Is that what you always say? You say La La Land was robbed? Is that a, that's like an Earth thing you always say? Yes, all things I say. Huh. Guys, let's find some villains and try it at the very least. And here we cheer for beer and fear but must not eat the pastries. Uh oh. That voice is very familiar.

Across the way is that? Another round boys! He's talking to a bunch of propped up sacks of rice. He's playing cards with a bunch of sacks of rice. Oh, someone's bluffing! I know that look! That's unmistakably none other than sweet Prince Con-vantus. I call! Cheating? Who knows you're cheating? Oh, that bag of rice never stood a chance. I will say, he seems crazy. I will say, he seems crazy. But the way he's pantomiming this game along with these sacks of rice, I feel like I can

follow every detail of it. He appears to be... do you see through the box? He doesn't appear to be locked up though, like us. Do you think he's working here? You guys wait here. I'll be right back. I gotta go take a leak. Whoa, he just swallowed a seagull whole.

Now he's swallowing a handful of rice. Oh, and it looks like the seagull exploded inside his stomach. Oh, cruel. Is that what appears? Is that what he thinks appears? You know what? I feel bad just talking about him without talking to him. Uh, excuse me, uh, sweet Prince Fantas?

Who's there? Who knows me? Hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, oh, you guys are in Mitch's cell. Oh. Oh, was Mitch here before? Oh, yeah, Mitch was my best friend I'm so sorry. What happened to Mitch? Why is he no longer here? Oh, they they zapped him

He got full-blown zapped so much zapping. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they came down full-blown zapped him turned him into a puddle of goo That kind of zapped I thought you meant that maybe they like telekinetically removed his underwear. I don't like the ethics of that. But here's the deal. Here's the deal. Mitch, RIP, you got- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Don't I know you guys? It's been a few years. Wait a minute, don't I know at least one of you guys? You know all three of us. We are your best friends in the whole world. I don't think so. I know that guy. I know the one guy. But who... wait a minute. Do I know all of you guys?

Oh, uh, you know... Are you guys Saksa Rice? The Saksa Rice? The Saksa Rice? Arnie, that's a song you sing in your sleep. You take the good... you take the bad, right? Yeah, you take a boat you take them both. There you have The sacks of the sacks of rice. Yeah

To be living up to your dreams. Yeah I'm I'm Chunt the badger. Oh, right Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right Who are the other Chunts, so you know? When you were born, Chunt, do you think it was like everyone was like, I'm gonna name my Chunt something original. My guess is there was a bunch of Chunts in school. Oh yeah. So they were like, oh that's Chunt W, that's Chunt M, that's Chunt the Badger. Yeah, yeah, I'm a shapeshifter, but I go by Badger for folks who can't remember. But yeah, Chunt was, I want to say, the 3,485 fifth most popular name in food the year I was born Right below Skyler right above Dennis. Oh

There's a lot of Denny's I run across a lot of Denny's so wait you're a shape shifter Um, yeah. Yeah, cool. Cool. Actually, I'm going through a bit of a thing where I'm being asked to like let go of that power And maybe be a badger full-time. So I'll kind of trying to be honest. I'll be honest. Yeah. People don't trust you guys. People don't trust shapeshifters. I do. I don't think you meant chumps, okay. No, no, I trust them. I feel like shapeshifters need more,

they shouldn't, I think people don't like that you can take on the images, sacrilegious images or images of people that have left or gone or you can trick us with the, by taking the body of someone that have left or gone or you can trick us with the, you know, by taking the body of someone that we love. Yeah. I mean, you could be Mitch right now if you wanted.

Yeah, whoa! If you knew what Mitch looked like. Did you guys know Mitch? You just told us about him. He said you got turned into a puddle of goo, right? Good guy. Great guy. Oh, wait, wow.

Let me, here, did you get to say goodbye? Let me just... Oh! Mitch, we gotta get you out of here the wizards are coming man they're gonna goo you they I heard him saying they're gonna zap you they're gonna be full blown goo you Mitch whoever these guys are let's kill these two and get out of here hold on hold on Mitch Mitch talk some reason into him oh fuck where's your water helmet Mitch we gotta get you

we gotta get your gills wet. Oh quick you two quick We got a piss on his wet So into it usually not into this at all he's breathing the stuff Wow Wow, I've been in here a while this is I suppose we could see our urination and I could just conjure a water helmet for Mitch out of nothing. Oh that would be great thank you Usador thank you. Eroch! Tadadada! Whoa Mitch how's that feel?

Pretty good. Cool! All right okay now so so we got Usador we got Arnie and now we've got Mitch for the rest of the episode? That's great! Ooh! Well, maybe for the next couple months. I can't imagine that's a voice that people wouldn't want to hear and or do for long periods of time. I don't know if I want to gargle piss for a month.

That's not what Mitch would say! Quiet, quiet! I hear someone coming even now The guards Sweet piss Francis. Are you here as a as a prisoner yourself? Listen, I've been here a while I was one of the first guys in okay, they got me but I'll be honest. I liked it I you know, it was right before they got really crazy. I was still pretty weird and hazy after that long nap I took. So being in here, I found gave me the structure that I needed. The outside world, it was just too open ended.

I just had too many choices for an adventure. And I would rather not choose my own. Yeah, I'd rather have my adventure chosen for me in some ways. So here I am. They don't lock my cell. I just walk around. They're not so worried that I'm going to escape because I don't want to. Be sure.

I guess we could see if a prison is underpopulated, especially at the beginning. In a way, it could be like a yoga retreat. You might have a little bit of a White Lotus situation. What's that? What's that, Ernie? That's something that I would not know about, but I've seen distantly on the internet mentions, people just keep talking about white lotus.

What's the internet? Yes, what's the internet? Oh boy. So imagine if all the bags of rice in the world Oh boy. Oh boy. could have access to you and you could hear all their thoughts. Oh, thank you.

That would be incredible. That's like so many friends. Yeah. But every once in a while a bag of rice will be like, yeah, you did a good job and you'll enjoy that way too much. Oh, okay. Okay. Whoa.

But you know what? I feel like even if the majority of the bags of rice were into what I was doing, if like one bag of rice said, you're not funny, I would think about that bag of rice forever. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Disproportionately for sure. Oh, yeah. As far as I'm concerned, that's the only bag of rice in the goddamn world. Also, if I somehow like wandered by one bag of rice that I kind of know having an argument with a family member Bag of rice that I didn't know I would just start arguing with that family member even though I don't know them. Oh wow, okay interesting

Bag of rice metaphor gotten away from me. It's pretty fantasized see on your knuckles. You have sack and rice Yeah, sort of tattooed or yeah. Yeah, it's I carved it in there and then I Jay, I got the holes now So I just jam like dirt and coal in there Just to like make it stick out because it's really hard to find any kind of ink or anything like that, you know So, you know my imagine it's hard to take a grain of rice and carve into your fingers with just very hard It's very hard, but that's why I go through a lot of them. I go through a lot of them.

And what you're seeing here now is this is Mitch goo. You know, this is Mitch goo. I put my fists in Mitch's goo and that stained my hands for the last couple of days. What an honor to treat him. I fight with him on my knuckles. It's beautiful. That's really beautiful How did you and Mitch meet well? He was I that you sell used to be my cell he was tossed right in there

and for Almost a year. We didn't speak a word to each other. Oh Yeah, and then you were best friends after that well. You know what we did we did one of those one-line stories exquisite corpse friends after that? Well you know what we did? We did one of those one line stories, exquisite corpse. So we would just write one line a day to each other and then at the end of that year we read the story that we created and we both cried. Whoa Arnie, you and SPV should try that. You kind of create a story one word at a time. Oh, you sir, what's a good title for a story? A story never before told. The Bath Maidens of Excelsior.

Sorry, that's the one Mitch and I did. Oh, sorry, sorry. The Bath Maidens of Excelsior was the exact one we did. Wow, I really challenge Mitch here. I mean, really, everybody is getting, you know what? It's cause you guys are, it's cause he died so recently. Like he's been like, I've seen his ghost. I've seen his specter.

He's been around, you know? And you know what? Now that you mention it, I think I see what you guys wrote on this wall over here. Chunt, do you want to read it? Ooh, I still got piss in my eyes. Can't quite make it out. You sir, you want to give it a shot?

Oh no, I think you're good. Okay. Here's the thing, I can see that this is a struggle. You know, cause probably Mitch's and I handwriting is not so great. So why don't the four of us recite it in unison? Love it. Yes. Okay.

Once... There was... There was... a girl who watched her hair under the mountain top. And then the next line of the exquisite corpse is ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. By the way, that's Mitch. And spoiler alert, every time, I didn't know this for so long because I wasn't looking at his lines really.

He was just doing that. He would just write that. And he really was pretty crazy. Yeah, he was crazy. So I found at the end of it after that year that he really, they had really addled his mind with spells. Oh, it's terrible. Yeah, nothing. I'm being addled and a certain way. What's that? Nothing worse than being addled. Oh, yeah. Oh my God. Well, why don't we take a quick break

and I'm gonna wash the piss out of my eyes and mouth and we'll be right back with more of sweet Prince Vis. Oh, guard, guard, guard. SPV? SPV? Uh, Rock Hudson. Uh, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. In the early hours of December 4th, 2024, CEO Brian Thompson stepped out onto the streets of

Midtown Manhattan. This assailant pulls out a weapon and starts firing at him. We're talking about the CEO of the biggest private health insurance corporation in the world. And the suspect... He has been identified as Luigi Nicolás Mangione. ...became one of the most divisive figures in modern criminal history. I was targeted, premeditated, and meant to sow terror. I'm Jesse Weber, of Luigi produced by lawn crime

and twist this is more than a true crime investigation we explore a uniquely American moment that could change the country forever. He's awoken the people to a true issue. Finally maybe this would lead rich and powerful people to acknowledge the barbaric nature of our healthcare system. Listen to Law and Crime's Luigi exclusively on Wondery Plus.

You can join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Spotify, or Apple podcasts. In 1976, a Georgia native, Navy veteran, and peanut farmer named Jimmy Carter won his bid for the presidency. What Carter didn't know then was that the next four years would be the most difficult he could ever imagine. Hi, I'm Lindsey Graham, the host of Wondery's podcast, American History Tellers. We take you to the events, times, and people that shaped America and Americans, our values, our struggles, and our dreams. In our latest series, we explore Jimmy Carter's time in the White House, from his unexpected presidential victory as an outsider vowing to clean up Washington, to his remarkable diplomatic

breakthroughs and legislative accomplishments on energy, education, and the environment. But Carter also faced crushing challenges as he worked to lead the country through energy shortages, sky-high inflation, and the Iran-hosted crisis. Follow American history tellers on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Experience episodes ad free and be the first Binge the newest season only on wonder eplus join wonder eplus in the wonder eapp Apple podcasts or Spotify start your free trial today So SVP

SPV SPV. Sorry. I don't know who I was saying of somebody else. No, no, no if you're hanging with me You got a bad case of SPV. Oh, SPV, sorry. I don't know who I was thinking of. I was thinking of somebody else. No, no, no. If you're hanging with me, you got a bad case of SPV. They say a lot of people have it and don't even know it. Oh yeah, you should get tested. How does one test for sweet Prince Phantus? I'll tell you right now, you got it, because I'm so close to you. Yeah.

You know, you got it. It's airborne is what you're saying. Oh yeah, it's airborne. It's an airborne toxic event. Yeah, plus you pissed in my mouth and eyes, but How have you been doing with those Re-acclimating to the world you were asleep for a hundred years. I was sleep for a hundred years You know, I thought I was gonna be honest. I thought it was gonna be king You know I fell for the sweet siren song of power and I thought I would, I'll be honest, I thought I was gonna be king. You know, I fell for the sweet siren song of power

and I thought I would be king. And honestly, I thought that that was gonna make me happy. Thank God I didn't become king. You know, especially of the Northeast, hard pass, not interested. I don't even like the Northeast. Why did I wanna be king of it? You know what, I was king of the Northeast

for like 30 seconds and I didn't like it either. Yeah, exactly. It's a hassle. It's a job nobody wants. So let Tom Belleroth have it. Piece of shit. Yeah, why would I want to be king? I'd rather be here in prison. Well, it's understandable because sometimes you imagine yourself, you imagine a life for yourself, right? You're born a prince, and the natural evolution is that you would become a king. Yeah. So when that doesn't happen, sometimes that can be very disconcerting.

It's really a moment where you either dig in and live the rest of your life with regrets, or you pivot, or you lean in, right? I leaned into this scenario here in this prison. Guess what? I'm thriving. I'm thriving. I'm gaining power inside of this hierarchical structure. And guess what?

When I get out of here, eventually, when we take over this place and burst through these walls and kill these wizards and take over all of FUN. Okay. I like the parts of that, but not all of it. When we are committing murder and mayhem, let me be clear, it won't be because we're seeking power. It will be though for revenge. And I noticed you have sort of a, is that called a bandolero? What's that called? Bandolero?

Sure, yeah, it's called a bandolero. Human teeth it looks like across your chest. It's a trophy sash. It's a trophy sash. I've got teeth, I've got a couple ears. I had some balls on there, but they fell off a while ago. This one is for fire making. This one's for first aid. This one is knots, the K-N-O-T-S, knots. This is sanctioned by the prison.

They're specifically giving you these things? Yeah, they, you know. Or is this a system of your own? They realized pretty quick that we needed stuff to do, stuff to like aspire to. They needed to put us on a track so that we would want to get stuff, you know, and in reality, smart for them,

because boy, we all became obsessed with it. We got so deep into these sashes and collecting all the trophies and badges that we stopped trying to break out of the prison. We stopped trying to attack the wizards. We really just got you know I love having a task. Yeah, Ornie write down gamify prison. Okay yeah that's something that's something yeah for real you know and, you know, and they're you know, what else these guys are doing these wizards that smart. They're making it for profit. They're making money off of this. Yeah,

Tim Tam the Tio owns the whole pastry business. Huge, huge, so smart to get offerings for a profit. Cause you guys didn't eat those pastries, did you? Oh, yeah. Oh, actually, I saved one. It's I don't know if you want it. It's a red dessert. No, no, no. You don't want a red dessert? Do not eat that.

Why shouldn't we eat the pastries? These pastries are from the wizards. They have magical properties. They can, not every pastry, but you know, if they think you're out of line, if they think you're gonna escape, they will magic these pastries so that it takes away your will to live,

your aspirations, anything that you think you might do. They can change, they can full blown just change you. They can goo you with an eclair. Like, and half of the goo in eclairs, like half, I mean, I'm sure if you had an eclair, I'm sure you had a bit of Mitch. Oh no. Oh no, I didn't have an eclair.

Oh, for sure. Is that why this chicken head's growing out of my chest? The pastries are people. The pastries are people. You are a cannibal and that is definitely why there's a chicken head growing out of your chest. You're only lucky that it appears to be dead or dying. Yes it does appear to be dying. I know a lot of guys who have thriving chicken heads on all over their body. Oh that's's terrible. Yes, we will no longer shall we eat the pastries. Thank you for the warning. You're really helping us acclimate to this new environment.

You know, it's kind of my thing. I go to the new guys and I give them a little bit of help. A lot of- you'd be surprised how many people aren't interested in my help. It doesn't go well for them. I appreciate that you have a mentoring system. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You know, I want what's best for everybody here. I want everybody in here to get out and get a job and have their lives bettered by this day.

You know, and that's... Listen, that's not what the wizards want. The wizards just want you to fuck up so they can goo you. They zap you, they goo you, you're done. Right? I mean, I'm a wizard. I'm not one of these wizards who runs the prison. But I- I mean- U-Saur, U-Saur, don't ruin my time. You're a wizard. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute. Y- You- You-saur is a wizard? Uh, yes, I'm... The wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Electric Lights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trocas,

The Elves, Normanias, Feangyak, The Dwarves, Noy, Zonin, and Hoxang exchanges. I'm known throughout the most easy this guy's many as may stop Okay, see I think I don't remember it because every time you say all that I zone out. Yeah, I get that a lot It's so much. What was that? Oh Arnie that reminds me. I'm so sorry. I have to do this when we went to the first break SPV whispered in my ear that I'm supposed to knock out the biggest guy here so I'm gonna have to knock you out is that okay? um okay I guess so okay just uh whoa whoa whoa guys don't fight oh wait wait wait wait

chum does it help if I pretend to fall over? oh guys don't fight! just yeah I don't well never never mind you already don't you knocked Or just... yeah, I don't... Well, never mind. You, you, you... Oh no! You don't! You already don't! Chunt! You knocked out me and the biggest guy here! Come on, Arnie!

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Chunt! What the fuck? Everybody better stay away from Chunt! Hey, Chunt, be cool! Hey, Chunt, be cool! Hey, come on, come on! Are you cool, man?

Are you cool, man? Come on, come on! You told me you said the biggest guy here, knock him out! Oh, you think Arnie's the biggest guy here? Wait till we get to the cafeteria, there's a giant! There's a giant downstairs! Oh, shit! This guy's like 17 feet tall!

Oh, fuck. It's crazy! He's so thin, though. Yeah, they don't have enough food to feed them. So you can- you can't- If we band together, we can kill a giant. Okay. I think we can do it. Arnie, stand up. No one believe that So much work getting back up off the ground

Yeah, also you start to faint and scream with a southern accent. What is your what is your process? I was just trying to make a choice. I was just making choices. You know what I mean? Did you say that you were taking the vapors? Yes, exactly I don't have a fainting couch or anything like that, but yeah. Oh, actually, I'm a little peckish. SPV, could we head to lunch now? Let's go. Oh, absolutely. Could you get us out of this cell?

Oh, guys, you stick with me. We got free reign of this place. Let's get out of here. Let's walk down to the, oh, I'll show you guys a shortcut. There's, by the way, so many secret passages in this prison. Now be careful because a lot of them have traps. Okay. And there's rats everywhere.

Well I could just cast a spell to detect traps. Don't do wizard shit man. Here's the deal, don't do wizard shit inside the wizard prison. Because if they find out you're a wizard, whoa. Oh my god. You're fucked, dude. Yeah, Usador, it's sort of like a cop going to prison. If other prisoners find out you're a wizard, they're gonna go crazy. And if the wizards find out you're a wizard, they're gonna make you a guard.

Oh shit, I never should have come here. This was a terrible idea. Yeah, yeah, and everybody in the prison has real hatred for prisoners who become guards. Fuck, I gotta get out of here, man. I'm freaking out. Here, sir. Here, sir. Here, sir. Fuck, wait, here, sir. Hey, hey. Hey. What? What?

I know what to do. Uh, uh, uh, Arnie looks tough with a black eye, right? Like, nobody would let me... Whoa! Whoa! Don't fight, don't fight. Chunk! Oh, god. Chunk, don't fight.

He hit me again. Chunk is so powerful. Oh, I tried to hit you, sir. Stop announcing it. Arnie is so big. Lordy, lordy. What is this? Lordy, lordy. What is this?

The toughest son of a bitch. No one. This is terrible. Blanche Dubois? A streetcar named Despair? Arnie, what are you doing? No, no. Come on, follow me, guys, follow me.

We can get slobbed before everybody, what's up? And if anyone asks I'm a sorcerer. Oh Careful careful because if they ask you to perform an act of sorcery, can you do it? I think wizardry They'll know the difference. I think I can fake it. I think I think I'll be able to get by. Yeah, okay They'll know the difference. I think I can fake it. I think I'll be able to get by. Yeah. OK. So right down here, this is East Wing.

This is pretty chill. Everybody hears a blast. You're going to hear a lot of stuff just because everybody hears a murderer. But believe me, I'd rather be with the murderers than everybody else in this place. Well, this guy just gave me a card for one free massage. OK, don't get a massage from him.

Don't do that. Oh, you guys you don't fall for like like first day of prison tricks, you know, okay. Okay. Yeah smiles. That's good. That's good. It's so lucky. We we ran into you sweet Prince fantasy.

Right. Here's the library. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, you can take out one to three scrolls a week. Okay, I think I see a trap door you were talking about. Careful. Pulls on a grimoire. Okay, nothing happened. That's just a grimoire. That's just a grimoire. You can check that out if you want. It's pretty great, you know, probably some elven stuff in there. You know,

some, some pretty cool stuff. Yeah. You know, I remember hearing sweet Prince Vantis, the famous throughout food of always having great reading recommendations. You, you like to take in scrolls. Do you have any scrolls you've been reading lately? I love to listen. I love to read. I love to read.

What can I say? You know, based on what you like to read and what's here in the library, what's like the L Venn diagram? Well, for me, I've read a, I've read a series of scrolls that I cannot recommend enough, and they are called Up From Beneath the Ground. Oh. Right?

And it is a series of scrolls that are about a cataclysm that has happened, right? And everyone in the land has gone underground to live in caverns and caves. And you can get why I like it. It's very much the people find themselves in circumstances that are not unlike this prison, right? Yeah, it's sort of like Ernie.

What's the opposite of escapism? Invadism? Yeah, imprisonism. Well, it sounds like this book is speculating about a possible series of events that haven't occurred, but since it's fictionalizing it, this speculative fiction is allowing you to imagine what may happen. Oh, yes.

Well, I will say the books are transcribed by a monk who believed that this cataclysm would in fact start, oh jeezez in like in a couple of weeks I think oh, it's like it's pretty eerie actually it might even be well Either of you have the time or day or I have no idea where I am in time space dimensional portal ten years and I only say this because the same monk who wrote these scrolls wrote a bunch of other scrolls and because the same monk who wrote these scrolls wrote a bunch of other scrolls and everything in those scrolls came true. So I'm curious if these scrolls are in fact prophetic.

Oh, actually, Marnie, you may not remember this, years and years ago, when you first came to Foon, in your car you had, I think it was a 2014 far side calendar, so let me, I always keep it on me, so let me see what you always hold that on you. Hold on. Okay. So there's a lady, she's got kind of a beehive hairdo. She's talking to a cow. Yes.

Now the cow has a string of pearls around her neck and sort of a house dress. And beneath the cow, the woman, there's sort of a chicken. Now the chicken is smoking a cigarette. And the caption says, well, I don't know what to do. Not his best. Oh, it looks like it's a Monday, it's a Monday. Oh, okay, it's Monday, Monday. But do we know, it doesn't matter. I think if I'm right, if I've parsed out the number

of moon rises and moon sets, then I think I can say pretty well within reason that the prophecy of those scrolls, I feel like might have just started. See, the scrolls begin, the scrolls begin with three new arrivals in the tunnels underground. Oh. Well, let's be on the lookout.

Let's be on the lookout for three new arrivals. The three fools. The whole thing kicks off with the three fools or the three idiots or the three idiots depending on the translation Yes, that's fun. Okay, let's see and upon their arrival they meet Oh interesting they meet a prince and and the cataclysm begins Reminding me of something so much. Okay, so this is the laundry. This is reminding me of something so much. Okay so this is the laundry. This is hugely important. This is you know you probably get a job in here you know or whatnot you know I spent a lot of time in here it just feels nice it smells good you know you know you can the the din of the machines and the soft, you never get a soft towel in your cell,

but here, boy, you can fold them, you can lie in them, it's great. Oh wow. I see a few villains are making a pillow fort over there. Those are cells, those are pillow cells. Pillow cells? Yep, those are pillow cells. Those are villains whose weakness

or whose natural enemy is feathers. Yeah, they're the sharpest villains, Arnie. Like, where do they least want to be? Yeah, somewhere where their sharpness doesn't allow them any... Imagine, if you will, a villain who could completely control anything metal. You know, you might put him in a plastic box or a glass box. That's a good idea. Sorry, SBB, real quick.

Yeah? Could that guy just like take the metal out of the guard's blood, right? Oh, I see. Am I crazy? I see, just pull the metal straight out of blood, the iron, right? Yeah, I don't know if that would be enough, but yeah, I love that.

As a concept, I love that. Yeah. That would be great. Arnie Rickett, though. Arnie Rickett. And for anybody who's told stories that have that as a as a character or a character trait and hasn't considered this, you feel like a great idiot now, don't you? You've been made an absolute fool of. What would we call this mysterious fictional person? I'd call him metallo ooh Metal ergy metal metal Mike metal

Met al is that something I like that else what else? Thinking too much about the blood thing, but I think I'd call him iron man. Hey Because of the iron in the play he fights with the iron in people's blood. Hey, I'm gonna be talking at SPV's rope Yeah, hey, be cool man. Hey, sorry you just it felt like you didn't really acknowledge that. I said a luma Tim a luma Tim well that is his name Tim or Timothy Why wouldn't it be al you mini Tim fuck I do like that Aluminium is also a valid pronunciation I suspect yeah, I suspect so as well Al hey Al you mini okay, man. That is good. Okay, right that I Suppose here we are. Here's the cafeteria the cafeteria. Yes

Nice so pretty much, you know, it's first come first serve sit wherever you want But for you three I would genuinely say, oh weird. The only three seats left, hmm, are the hot seats. The hot seats? The hot seats. Yeah, they, yeah, so everything's pretty cold in here, you know, but there's three seats that are roasting hot. Okay.

Let me go try and sit in it. Oh, fuck! Careful! I just ran into this pole in the middle of the... Oh, shit. That's like... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 foot tall? Nope.

That's the giant's leg. Oh, no. That's not a pole, bro. Oh, shit. Okay, I gotta knock this guy out. Arnie, I gotta knock this guy out. Yeah, this guy's pretty big. Do you gotta knock this guy out. Put me in your- Yeah, this guy's pretty big.

Do you need me to lift you up to get closer to his knees? Yeah, could you, do you mind? Okay. Up he's, up he's, up he's, up he's. Okay, okay. All right, let me see if I can shape shift just my fist. Okay.

All right, and let me just, ooh! If, ooh, yeah, that's not gonna work. He's doing anything. he didn't even notice that His name is critch if you want to try and talk to him Okay, critch. This is my friend shunt He's going to take you out I'm going to take you out. Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I think he's watching something. Oh, maybe he's listening to a maybe he's listening to something I don't know. Maybe he's not listening to us at all very he I mean he's so high up there They really sound almost never reaches him

If you maybe if we got up on to the only conversations I've had with him or when he's lying down if I'm honest Oh, well, maybe I could source a Man I know I know be careful in this place. You got a really you specifically really got to be careful Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I suppose we can't sit here and eat then So I guess we'll take a quick break and have you guys heard anything about Karen McManus Oh On your travels, that's the one thing about being in here. That's tough is I'm unable to continue my search for my true Love who is missing Karen McManus? Love it the most beautiful woman. I think we saw something that she was like head of treasury for the Kiwanis Club or something. Oh oh good for her. I had a vague recollection that she lived a full and happy life after you went to sleep and then just probably

not. Oh so you think oh wow so you think while I was asleep for a years, those 100 years passed in real time for her? I suspect so. Yeah, when you're asleep, other things happen. The world keeps going on. Does it make me a narcissist that I think that when I fell asleep, when I go to sleep, everybody else just shuts down? What does that mean? None of us here are mental health professionals.

I understand, like, when I go to sleep, you guys are still out there doing stuff, but that's just because I don't really care about you. But the people that I care about, the people that I love, mustn't they somehow only exist when I'm aware of them or when I'm... Then perhaps you're asleep even now. And when you're awake, Mitch will be back. Oh, that would be great. Oh, but I wouldn't be able to hang out with you guys. Yeah. Oh, well, you don't care about us, apparently.

I feel like without you, we'd be in real trouble in this prison. Like, you're our mentor. You're mentoring us. Oh, yeah, no, you guys are gonna, it's so lucky you came here today because it's my day to mentor the new guys. And if you got any of the other mentors,

they're genuinely terrible. Oh, man. Like, Critch the bitch? Dude. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool. He's bending down. Let's go to break, let's go to break, let's go to break, let's go to break. Some people get a wild haircut or book a spontaneous trip when life throws them a curveball.

But Molly? Well, she dove headfirst into a world of no-strings-attached sex, secret rendezvous, forbidden affairs, and unforgettable adventures. And together, we tell every juicy detail in Dying for Sex, Wondry's award-winning podcast that's now streaming on a TV near you, starring Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate. And to top it off, we're dropping brand new bonus episodes where I sit down with the cast to spill all the spicy secrets. Desire, friendship, self-discovery, and the ultimate bucket list of pleasure. This is a story that had everyone talking.

Listen to the original Dying for Sex and brand new episodes on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge the original series before anyone else and completely ad free on Wondry+. At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph.

My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. So Arnie, if the three idiots precipitate the beginning of this cataclysm

and the three of us appear today, who are the other two idiots? What? What? I don't understand what what I'm sorry I'm so distracted by Chuck getting the shit kicked out of it Chuck's really getting he's just getting whipped around like a dog Rich has him 25 feet in the air yes uh Rich this is this is uh this is Rock Hudson. The ogre. You please put my friend down. He really responds to pillow talk. Pillow talk. Yeah.

I can I can I can do that. Yeah, it's me. That's the only rock Hudson. No. You see it. Just make sure you continue to assist me with the charade. Critch. Critch. I just want you to know that I think you're a beautiful lady. And when I look into your eyes, I am ensorcelled by your beauty and your charm.

Would you like to hold hands with me while we walk past the river? Well, how about tomorrow night? You and I, this is good, you're in, you're in. I think I have a date tomorrow night with Critch. Okay. Make sure you are not on that date. I have yet to see anyone survive a date with Critch. Okay.

I'll just have to like transform myself into a dog or something. Oh no, he loves dogs. Loves dogs, okay. He must love dogs. That's a whole thing for him. Maybe if I turn myself into, like, a... So you can shapeshift too? So everybody here can shapeshift but me?

No, not me. Not me. Oh, Arnie, you can? No, Arnie, you can become a southern woman. Yeah, I saw you shapeshift into someone expecting a gentleman caller. It felt more like a community shape-shifting, but you know, the kind of community level shape-shifting, but you know. Dinner shape-shifting?

Yeah, dinner shape-shifting. It seems like dinner shape-shifting. Yeah, exactly. Like cabaret tables, shape-shifting? Like a parlor shape-shift. Yeah, yeah. I, you know, but that's all right. Yes, I can catch.

I can at least shape-shift in commercials, right? Sure, I mean. You think you could get in commercials? Maybe like local Well, yes, I can cast a glamour over myself to make myself appear to be something else That is one of my many prodigious powers I shouldn't be I shouldn't be bragging about that. I can't brag in here. You really shouldn't. The wizards will, if you do a bunch of stuff,

the wizards are on it. They are very aware. There's a lot of alarms that go off. They're monitoring for any magic use and or sorcery use, loose spells. You know, like you wanna buy a Lucy from anybody in here, a loose spell. It's gonna cost you and guess what?

They're gonna know about it Oh, yeah. Well, that's one of my favorite things. I'm they call me Lucy. You see yeah, so I you know, I love a loose spell Are kind of slowly siphoning the magic off of the top they're like almost embezzling the magic out of this place Oh, they are profiting from this this much power inside of this this prison. All of these people, all of these murderers, all of these pillagers, all of these people, all of these things, all of these beasts. I mean, Mitch alone. Mitch must have wiped out thousands of people.

He was a prolific murderer of villagers, you know? And they are just siphoning that hatred and that raw power. We're like a... Something that stores a bunch of power, and then somebody else or something else can use that stored power at will. They can turn it on and off. So they're just pulling that power from us.

Okay. Onyx, it's like those batteries you've told us of that I think you're thinking of assault hmm I don't I don't think I am but uh well that's fine never mind so there was Mitch there was critch so Mitch Critch who are some of the other prisoners around here okay there's there's Lilo. Lilo has a friend, right? Yep. Mark. Okay. Lilo, Mark. Yep. It's Mitch. Mitch, Mitch, Mitch, Mitch, Mitch, Mitch, Lilo, Mark. Um, uh, Lilo, Mark. What's that? What's that? Just with names if I make a little song a little diddy it kind of helps me Mitch Mitch damn it Mitch Mitch Lilo mark Mitch Critch Lilo mark. Okay. Okay. Oh

Yes, okay Stuart and the poison The poison deploy that's what he says that's what he calls himself The poison deploy that's what he says. That's what he calls himself Something someone said they knew him on the outside and his name was Gary, but he calls in here. He calls himself the poison Okay, the poison he's pretty cool. Actually. I mean it's a pretty badass nickname You know it sounds corny at first a lot of people in here have nicknames fyi, you know, what's your what's your um? What I don't have one. I'm still sweet prince van this. Yeah, although It's so good. It's so good SPV. It's it really it rolls right off the tongue, you know

So, you know the minute I got here that I just was rocking it I don't most of them don't even know it's sweet that it's sweet prince van tis. They just call me SPV. Oh That's good, you know SPV. I have to say you really do seem like you're thriving here. Thriving. I was able to just recently give an interview on a conservative interview just recently. Probably podpires. Probably. Probably podpires. There's a rival podcast. Oh, podpires. It's two vampires and they're pretty conservative. It's a lot of I just did it. I just I just did it they they They really welcomed me. I got in a bunch of trouble for doing it. The Wizards put me in solitary Yeah, that makes sense. I just appreciate you seem, you know before you were here

I feel like every time we saw you you were wildly trying trying to kill people. And since we've been here, you haven't tried to kill anybody. I've really softened, you know? Being here has really changed my whole outlook. I'm, yes, I'm, you know, slowly amassing a powerful army to commit an act of revenge that will be, you know, registered as iconic for the rest of time. But, you know, short of a cataclysm happening, I'm having like one of the best years of my life, if I'm honest. I'm writing again.

Oh, that's exciting. Your outlook really has changed. I mean, word, that is awesome. Yep, it's pretty great. I'm writing a pretty good romance right now. Okay, details. Well, you know, it started as a book I'm writing a pretty good romance right now. Okay, details. Well, you know, it started as a... Honestly, it started as the thing that Mitch and I were talking about. Mitch and I started writing about, you know, and it's about... It's about... It's about... It's about us, right? It's about me. It's about Karen McManus.

It's about Mitch as a lovable laughing giant, you know, who's just wanton, blood bloodlust and thirst for chaos, murder, and revenge is driving us forward into a, frankly, very romantic period of time, you know? Is this like a throuple situation? No, no, it's not. It's just, it's me, it's Karen McManus, and Mitch is there as our kind of

He's a kind of a Guardian angel or a guardian devil because I don't know if I mentioned this but Mitch had horns. Oh Yeah, I remember that from when Chunt was Mitch for a little while. Yeah. Yeah, everybody in here called him horny If you hear people saying horny they're talking about Mitch he didn't like it so I always called him Mitch that's nice to be honest I don't know if that was his name oh I was my I gave it to him and he didn't seem to mind okay okay well I mean sometimes when we forge friendships we we give each other names we we we have our own language betwixt ourselves that's the bonds of those friendships are built on isn't that true we give each other names, we have our own language betwixt ourselves.

That's the bonds of those friendships are built on. Isn't that true, Arnie and Chunt? Hmm. Sorry, I was... I couldn't help but notice. You know how SBV was talking about the cataclysmic event, three idiots talking to a prince? Look over there. There's three inmates talking to a guy that's kind of in the shape of a symbol. Kind of looks like his body's kind of pretzeled

into a symbol. Sure. Oh. The guy in purple. The symbol. Yeah, like a kind of, and you imagine that that symbol like means he used to be a prince. Yes, like he's trying to. He might have formally been known as Prince.

Well, that's the artist. That's the artist. Oh. That's the artist. Yeah. He used to have a name. I can't remember what it was But he just takes to calling himself the artist. He wrote the word slave on his cheek and whenever he needs to whenever he needs to sign something he just leaves a Enigmatic glyph. Oh wow So you think those three idiots over there may be the idiots causing the trouble.

Although now that I'm looking around, over there, there are three court jesters, and for some reason, they're talking to a reproduction of a tapestry that's just on the wall. Yeah. Yep. There used to be a tapestry there, but it ripped and fell down, so they replaced it with that very cheap recreation of it that they sell at the gift shop. So sort of a print? Yeah, actually there's two of them. So it's prints. Oh there's two? Oh there is two. So it's plural.

Now that you say it, I see that there's two. This prophecy has more wordplay in it than any prophecy I've ever heard in my life. Let's see... What else, what else? Yeah, keep thinking, keep thinking, take your time! Let's all just take a quick breather and let's think, let's think, think, think. Well, there's those three idiots over there talking to Hula Packard. Pfft. Hahaha!

Okay, well, I think that about covers it. Honestly, I had the sneaking suspicion that Arnie, you and Chunt were two of the idiots and I didn't know who the third idiot would be. Oh, maybe it's Mitch. Maybe it was Mitch and he already got gooed. I bet it was Mitch. He got gooed. He got gooed.

You guys do not get gooed. Yeah. Don't you, get goo'd. Yeah. Don't you? You don't want it. It's not good. Do they come around and collect the goo when people get goo'd? Oh yeah. And they collect all the goo in the same bucket. Oh. So your- So everyone's goo mixes in with a little bit of goo?

Yes! Yes! It's disgusting. And then if they ever decide to reconstitute you, you've got all this extra stuff. Yeah, they don't know which goo's which. They can't separate the goo. I mean, I guess my grandpa used to say there are no shelves in heaven, but I don't know. It still seems gross to me. There's no shells in heaven? Hold on. Pause there. What the hell does that mean? What is that? Arnie, there's no shells?

Or shelves? Shelves. With a V. Shelves? Yeah. Where do you put your stuff? We must unpack this what the hell are you talking about? Arnie what are you talking about where do you put your grimoires and scrolls? Yeah, we need them Grimoires You don't need Grimoires in heaven. So you just don't read. Okay. Well what you're just happy You're just happy without any stuff and in heaven You don't need this stuff to be happy come on on earth and heaven. I've never seen you two more angry No, here's what I don't understand. Here's what I don't understand. Okay, I get to heaven, right?

What about all the stuff that I've taken there, right? You know, I I've gotten there and I've taken everything I got on Phuong. I can take it all with me. Yes. Straight to heaven. So everything you're buried with, at least. I'm not going to get buried. I'm not getting buried. Absolutely not. I'm not getting buried. What do you want after you die? I want to be shot out of a catapult. Towards? I don't care. You don't care, okay. Oh, you know what?

I do care. I'd love it if, I'd love it if, and this might be difficult, I'd love to be shot from a catapult into a active volcano. Wow. You know what? I'm gonna make that happen for you. Whoa, thank you, Usador. Yes, I'll happily be the arbiter of your will and I shall ensure that

your last missions are met and you shall be fired from the catapult into a volcano. Great! Let me just sign over power of attorney to you. Careful, careful, Vantus, I'm so sorry, Usador is my friend, but he keeps getting people to sign power of attorney over their estate. Oh, you think it's a scam? It's a little, It's a little suspicious. You think he won't launch me into an active volcano? You know, let's see how this unfolds. Well, it's very simple. Upon your passing, which I imagine,

since you've already slept for a hundred years, won't be for a very long time, I is one of the longest lived creatures in all of Foon. Uh, wizard. I shall outlive you and I Fuck fuck fuck it was great. It was great. It was critch critch was that you Critch says you're full of shit guys quick. Let's get back to ourselves. No wizards here Let's get out of here.'s go let's go let's go let's take this let's go through this trap door you said we can try so careful careful this way okay make sure this is

not it it doesn't have any spikes or spiders or mice oh that's fine that's fine that's fine just just swim straight through them breaststroke straight through the mice do any of you know Momo, the mouse? Our friend. They aren't saying anything. These aren't talking mice. These mice don't talk. These are, oh yeah, these are zombie mice.

These mice died years ago. Terrible. Worse, yeah, even worse. Yep, and their eyes, their eyes see for the wizards. What the mice see, the wizards know. Fuck the one thing. If I gotta be honest, the wizards, it might see the wizards know. Fuck the wizards. If I gotta be honest the wizards it's not a very good point like it's kind of wasteful having this many of their spy mice all at the same time. I told them it's super dumb I told them it's super dumb and it's a bad use of resources and they said thank you

You know, they're very appreciative that I'm that I'm giving fearless feedback, but I'll be honest They are not making any relevant changes. That's too bad. It's almost like they don't want to make this place better. I don't think they do. The one thing they let me do is now that I'm like, kind of cool with them, I can go to their office and play a record.

Oh, that's fun. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty good. Let's see, I don't recognize this room we've entered into. This might be their office. I see there's a framed picture of she's brain on the wall. Yep, this is the wizard warden's office. Oh, okay. Do they take churns?

Sometimes it's spintax and sometimes it's genlevia. Are they all here at once? Honestly, it is a conclave. You know, they exist all together. They need a certain number in order to make any decisions. Sometimes I do minutes. Conclave's are great. Not the best, but really good.

Really good. Top four? Oh, for sure. For sure. I really enjoy a conclave, you know, and suspect I will enjoy it again sometime in the future when I'm like, you know what? I'd like to see a conclave again.

You know what? I do think I am more likely to revisit a conclave than some other structures I might've experienced recently. Uh-huh. Yeah, I mean, did you get a, did you check out this building when you guys were coming in? It is. Pretty bleak. Pretty bleak. The topless tower? Yeah, yeah, yeah did you get a, did you check out this building when you guys were coming in? It is.

Pretty bleak, pretty bleak. The topless tower? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just stone, no windows, it is a brutal structure. It really is. It's so tall that I was looking at it, scanning up it. When I got halfway, I had to take a break. Go to the bathroom, come back, and then finish the deal.

No, you can't look at the whole thing without taking a break to learn about mattresses that come in boxes But I did see once I got over the building I did see at the base there was a Dora Dora to you know Yeah, uh-huh a Dora the Explorer Now here's the thing Yeah. Uh-huh. Adora, the Explorer? I mean, I explored that, Adora.

Now, here's the thing. What you gotta understand is that in about an hour or an aura, we're gonna have lights out. We're gonna have lights out, so you know, you get the- How you mini-tim an aura set of an hour guys guys guys guys guys I think sweet Prince Vantis I think he's still crazy yeah or he's on some kind of substance I mean why not both yes SPV you were saying it's like it's lights out hey once the lights go out you guys you're not gonna you're not

gonna like what's going on. So do you want any grease? Grease? Do you want any grease? Grease? You take a couple of these. You take a couple of these grease and you'll feel great during the night, right? No matter what happens, you'll feel good and you'll wake up rested.

Great. He goes on one conservative podcast and he's selling supplements. At least it's not like deer antler pills. Listen, these greys, these greys, these greys are made with some of the heaviest metals known to man. Wow. Okay?

Yeah. Priests have blessed these greys. Cool. If you take those greys, watch out for alum in you, Tim. Oh, well, I mean, it looks like they come in different sizes and you've got them lettered A, B, C, D. I'll take six D Grease. Okay, now make sure you separate them.

I have to separate the six D Grease. You have to separate the six D Grease. Yeah, you need at least a certain amount of separation between each of these six degrees. I'm gonna take 98 of degrees. Oh, okay. That seems like a lot, Onnie. It's called a lache.

You said 98. If you take 98, it's called a lache. Can I say obviously? Obviously. Yeah. It's a lache. Of course it's a lache. Although 98, I would say if the lights are going out I'd take 5. But nobody would remember.

You want 5 with the degrees? I think so. Okay. If the lights are going out. Um, degrees, degrees. Yeah, everyone take, okay, everyone take their time again. Take a moment. Just a moment to think here.

You guys got anything else? If you take it as a substance, is that what we're looking for? There's a story called Five Below. Is that what you were trying to do? Maybe I'm getting a little dirty, but I would take One Below. What a satisfying conclusion. Oh, not this. I was watching a video of someone spilling a bunch of marbles then placing each one back in a jar. 10 out of 10 timeless storytelling would watch again.

Usual the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. Sweet Prince Vantis was played by special guest Jason Mantzoukas. No other credits. Jason has apparently done nothing other than this podcast. Tragic. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production

made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Give me a sample of the goods, you say? Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode, a recap of this year's March Magic voting. Uh, the next matchup, Ringo the Dingo, ha-ta-ta, with 41% versus Shuddering Daisy, the Mountain Who Destroys Villages,

Elizabeth Perkins with 59%. I really like Ringo the Dingo, who's a magical dog who prances through the clouds creating golden rings. Yeah. But couldn't beat another boob honking moose with a long name. Well, she's more than just a boob honking moose. She's a she crafts wands, which is a very important job here in Foon. Somebody's got to do it. Chunt turned it down. I remember you were recruited to be a WandsCrafts person

at one point, right? Yeah, WandsCrafts did scout me. They were trying to headhunt me, which at first I thought meant to kill me, but then I realized they were just trying to, you know, get me over to their side. And yeah, I just didn't want to do it. I felt like Wands, when I handled them,

felt too much like dicks. And... And you didn't like that? Well, I just didn't want to do it. I felt like wands when I handled them felt too much like dicks and um, And you didn't like that? Well, I didn't say that Somewhat satisfying right? To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show visit patreon.com Magick Tavern and don't forget to sign up on the website instead of the Apple Patreon app to avoid any extra Apple fees Hello from the Magick Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer, Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Anna Haverman, while Garrett Schultz stood by and did nothing.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. What if your mind could trick your body into feeling sick? Or even worse? In Hysterical, I investigate the bizarre medical mystery that unfolds in a high school in upstate New York. It starts with one girl developing strange, violent symptoms, and then another, and then another. Rumors begin to swirl. Is it something in the water, inside the school, or is it all in their heads? Hysterical is my search for answers, and along the way, I uncover surprising connections to unexplained incidents around the world. Events that challenge

everything we think we know about our bodies and our minds. Named Podcast of the Year at the Gambys, Hysterical is a mind-bending, unforgettable ride. Binge all episodes right now, exclusively and ad-free on Wondery+. Start your free trial of Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.