Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 52 - Prison Kalhaxorous (w/ Brennan Lee Mulligan)

Episode Date: April 21, 2025

The Death Knight teaches Arnie, Usidore, and Chunt how to work in the cafeteria.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungKalhaxorus the Grim: Brennan Lee MulliganCorncob the Calico: Porom the CatMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Tell you the following podcast is not real and chew bubble gum. And bubble gum clogs up my second thorax and makes a real mess of my upper digestive system. So when I said I was here to do two things, one of those things is something I'm practically incapable of doing, which makes me a real unreliable narrator. So sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon, now in our tenth year

now in prison If you've never listened to the podcast before this is everything you need to know ten years in a month or so ago I don't like it for food Yes, I'm so sorry We're recording a podcast while we do that. So I feel like ethically I should tell you if you talk to me these microphones Might pick that up Can I feel like ethically I should tell you if you talk to me, these microphones might pick that up. Can I say hi to someone? Sure. Hey, Larry, Craig, Tony. Hey, happy birthday, mom. I want to give a shout out to Susie. Boogaloo,

hello. Who else? Who else? Who else? All the all the deserted children of a floor tour. Who else? Floor tour? That's it. That ah that's it that'll do it okay great you're not even in line for food now you saw some fresh meat oh for lunch I think we have fresh meat yeah yeah yeah great ah you sit or John I'm so sorry I forgot to I forgot to start the recording of the podcast and I know we're hungry and we're waiting for food but yeah I just wanted to turn it on is that okay with you guys that we do this here like in line like standing in line episode oh on location oh yeah this is fun I think let's just uh maybe we form sort of

a triangle just to kind of watch each other's backs okay sure who were you just talking to who was that yeah who is that guy huh some weird pile shit. I don't really know what his name is. Huh. You always ask who people's names are and how they have sex. He just... That is true. I didn't do either. I didn't do either. Oh man, ten years in, I'm really losing it. Damn, Arnie, I thought you were the best in the biz. Interview, that's your thing. I know, and actually, I'm a little embarrassed to admit this I've started getting lots of emails from both magic tavern at puppies that supplies and from our patreon listeners

We look we've been doing this show for ten years We had our ten-year anniversary and for several for many episodes. I've been saying now in our tenth year They've been pointing out that actually we're in our eleventh year Oh, that's a big one. Arnie, that's a big fuck. Like we're talking like a month plus of me saying that, but it doesn't seem fun to say now in our 11th year. But the first month you started the podcast, you wouldn't say now in our first year.

That'd be crazy. I mean, but technically we were. Now in our first? This is why I don't see numbers. You don't see numbers? I don't see numbers. So it's all you sir What's the opposite of ones and zeros? It's all is this some sort of mathematical virtue signaling? What are you talking about guys?

There are no shelves in heaven All the things I've said that nobody remembers but me. Oh, sorry Arnie I'm gonna just looks like I'm next in line for food one one food, please very well little tray Just, uh, looks like I'm next in line for food. Um, one- one food, please. Very well, little tre- Huh? Wha- You- you fucking guys! Oh, hey! The Death Knight!

Death Knight! Calhaxorus! What? It is I, Calhaxorus the Grim. Hammer of the Eldatheri and foe of the Denduariel. Guardian of the Shroud and the Sewer, High Commander of the Blades of South, Sword Champion of the Red Queen, Merseior's Thrax, Twas I that slew the Gladwins, and twas you who left me

Busting ghostly nuts in that cum house! I was trapped in there for days unending! It seemed as though a turning of the age of the world Conspired to keep me g-g-g-guying. For as long as I could, my ghostly toes curled around and touched the back of my heels, due to you fools. But your armor looks good with a hairnet over it, though. Yes, I am required to wear the hairnet even over the frightening visage of my death knight's helmet Even though as far as I can tell under your helm You're just like ghostly light like you don't even have hair under there. I can make two points of sort of

Demonic red light cool like eyes, but I actually see out of my chest I've been talking up there and I should be you should been like my eyes are down here I like eyes, but I actually see out of my chest. Whoa. What, really? I never knew that. All this time I've been talking up there and you should have been like my eyes are down here. No, no, but I like when you don't look at my eyes. It makes me feel sneaky. Oh, I see. So I know you're here to serve us food

and I would love to find out what you recommend amongst the various slops. But it's so good to see you. And just in case, I don't want to assume you remember us by name. I'm Arnie I'm from another world. Yeah, I'm Chunt Badger is shape-shifter and I am Yusador, a wizard of the 12th realm of the... Oh, sorry, I mean, I'm uh... That's right. They don't like wizards around here.

I'm Dorasu, wink wink, a shitty sorcerer. Not a wizard. Definitely not a wizard because everyone hates wizards I'm just a big bag of meat shit human who learned magic. Uh, just a dumb fucking human who learned magic. I'm not born magical. That'd be crazy! Now, what an interesting crossroads we find ourselves in. Last I checked, this was a prison exclusively for the forces of darkness, those most malevolent malfactors of hideous evil.

And you three fucking do-gooders have no right to be here. I have a mind to warn the warden. Wait! Uh, no need to warn the warden. We uh, we don't want any trouble. You know Arnie, I see now that his apron has sort of holes cut out on the chest. I thought they were like for like nipples? Nipple breathers? Is that a thing on earth? We seek maybe a partnership with you. What can we do for you, perhaps, Cal, where you just kind of forget that we're here? Like

something goes in your hand and then you go I can't remember what these three were doing. You offer power power over you thus begins my rise to conquer this prison for indeed. I know how minions three Shit are we his minions now? I hate being a minion. Oh, but now look they have bananas Arnie No, not like that. Oh not like that All right, listen I've heard it's hard in prison if you don't become someone's minion. Yes is much easier The path of the minion is the path of true freedom the freedom to surrender your conscience and your mind

Prostrate to the will of one greater and more covered in spikes. Oh prostrate. He can't get enough of that count, right? Prostrate. Oh, oh, sorry You can't get enough of that count, right? Prostrate! Oh, oh, sorry. Prostrate! Sorry, I'm dumb, sorry, I'm dumb. Well, I conjured up some little overalls to wear, now that we're minions.

Should I also combine our eyes into single eyes? I think that that would be the least you could do after making fun of my eyes and my chest. Bartholomew, carton,atholm Tathachathantina. Guys, is it just me, or does it suck to be a minion these last decades? Like, wasn't there a time when being a minion of like an evil force was like cool and at least scary? And now in the last decade plus, like being a minion is... Blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Well, Arnie, I think it's because Foon has had a big influx of families, okay? Like being a minion is... Bah la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la I got to work! Here, walk around the counter, come help me. I am preparing the Salisbury steak. Now we work in the lunchroom. Way to go, Chunt-frick. Although to be fair, we were talking for so long that quite a line formed, like... Yes, extraordinarily rude, as I would expect, Badger. Go to the back.

There's a crate of bananas and a crate of papayas. Banana, papaya, got it. Yes, go get the crates and bring them back. We're preparing a fruit salad. God, I fucking hope we aren't entering an overcooked situation where we're just gonna try to have our stations, but we're gonna be at gonna be at each other's necks like yelling at each other Because we can't quite get the dishes out in time. Yes I will be referred to exclusively as chef and and you if you walk over behind me you have to say behind

It's so fun. Oh, yes, but did you sense that I'm behind you like if you see a person behind you Honey, you don't want to have an accident in the the kitchen So you say behind you and you say yes chef It's the only proper way to address a chef such as cowhacks us. It is true in the world of mortals Restaurants are one of the last places where you rightfully glorify the criminally deranged and abusive Okay papayas and uh, oh, I got the bananas, but um, after this they're 69'd, no more bananas. That's the, that's the restaurant term, right? 69'd? 69'd the bananas? That's a term.

Well, unfortunately some of the bananas were brought to life by an evil warlock, so they have been 69-ing back there. Oh wow! Oh yes, we have no more bananas. Will they all get turned alive? Oh god! We have no more bananas today. Oh, they're so hard to catch, you slip on them. Cal, I have to ask, just because you brought up

banana 69ing, you wouldn't happen to have like audio recordings of you in the come house? Like, that would just make such good Patreon content. Is there any chance you have eight to 12 episodes of you in the come house like that would just make such good patreon content is there any chance you have eight to twelve episodes of you in the come house eight to twelve episodes of me in the come house my god with no guests no guests well first of all I don't know how long your patreon episodes are is it sort of a bonus content half an hour thing is sort of clips seem like the half hour to 40 minutes But like we could make an exception if those 18 episodes were like an hour to each

Well, I'll tell you what if you want an hour or two each of episodes of me in the come house You must know that my voice absolutely gave out even spectrally after about hour five Just a husky husky whispering as I shuddered in my clanking armor. Wow. Cal, can I... Oh, I'm sorry, Chef. May I ask, what have you been up to since last we saw you? Like, after, you know, after you got out of the cum house and before you got magically abducted into this prison for evil villains, what's the haps? Let's get that... And by the way, go get that mash ready. I want extra butter on the bash Yes, sir. We're gonna need to yes, you're gonna need to garnish these dishes. All right, there's some parsley back over here

Her walk in her chef heard wonderful. Yes respect. I do because I am so loud and aggressive Essentially I was left in the come house because the denizens of the town were all too polite to knock on the door. It wasn't until an extremely rude berserker got in the back of a forty person line that had been waiting for some days that he walked up, barged in, kicked the door open, and saw that indeed I was trapped in there, and upon removing me I was remanded to the custody of the town constabulary, which were able to arrest me because I was sort of just rubbing myself in the afterglow.

I was too physically content. You have to understand, the come house is one of the only places that felt good. I don't have a physical body anymore. It's impossible to feel that kind of sensation. I dare say that I missed it. In any case, I ran over a bunch of llamas at a petting zoo and they arrested me and brought me here. Like you ran? Those poor llamas they were just trying to pet some animals. And you killed them? Huh?

I don't know man go ask the llamas. I didn't stop to check. Did you yourself? I was trying to get to a show. Show started at 7pm. I had to get there. And you just physically ran over them or were you driving a cart? I was in an animated wagon.

There is a haunted wagon outside of the town where the cum house is, and it is possessed by the ghosts of everybody who's been run over by the ghost wagon. Sort of a Katamari Damacy situation. But with souls of the dead. And so all you have to do if you can come out this year is to get... Sorry, I'm gonna write that down.

I gotta get that to Jackbox Games back on Earth, because that's gold. Capnari, Balisay, but ghosts. Oh my god. Oh Ernie, write down come house. Okay, yes, I will send that to a different game company. A hundred percent. Now, as you can see, as I was driving past as fast as I could, I was looking to get to a Friends of 301 improv show, and I sped. I said, spirits of the hateful dead, those crushed by the wheels of a haunted wagon,

heed my call. Take a right, up at the fork in the road and cut through the petting zoo at top speed. Oh, so that's how you drive the wagon is by commanding the souls. Yes, the wagon is animated by the spirits of dead. There's no driving mechanism, no wheel of any kind. So you're telling us that you killed innocents to go to an improv show. You truly are evil. What can I say? My old college friend is retaking 301. It's the second 301 class show as I've seen. Despicable.

Sounds like he's the evil one. Inviting you again? He wrote, I want to say, an eight paragraph email to all of his old college roommates, begging us to come to this show. Absolutely begging. On hands and knees. Ah, so in here I see a chink in nine armor, as they say. Is not guilt? Guilt about not seeing the show what drove you there And is guilt not another way of saying that you care That perhaps you Calhaxorus could be turned to the side of good There is nothing generous of spirit in watching an old college friend

Absolutely fail to make third-beat connections. Oh Artie Artie! It's happening! Finally! A voice-off! Yeah? The user versus Cal, this is amazing! Now Chef, I have prepared your mirepoix as you have so instructed. And now I shall place it in some butter and allow it to soften Chef cadence chef cadence at the end. I feel like I'm watching the bear with special guest. Mr. Belvedere Huh?

Earth people are confused from the belly of fattened goose I sundered the viscera to produce this most excellent slab Oh shucks the worst part is there's like 30 or 40 more ingredients coming out for them to talk about oh But I want to see what's on that slab Oh, I don't know why I said slab like that the badger the badgers doing a Tim Curry. Oh I'll have some that sounds good. I'll have me a suspicious Tim Curry fear not listener for I Shall season this meat so generously

with not only salt and pepper but time and Rosemary wait a minute wait a minute you're saying ladies and gentlemen salt and pepper. Ladies and gentlemen, salt and pepper! Now we shall take a short break as we continue to describe the ingredients. Behind? Sorry, we're behind on our break. Sorry, we're behind on our break. What if your mind could trick your body into feeling sick? Or even worse? In Hysterical, I investigate the bizarre medical mystery that unfolds in a high school in upstate

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Start your free trial today. Guys, while you fight over this, I think I'm just gonna go to that back window and establish like selling sandwiches out of that. So in case this whole kitchen thing for the prison doesn't work out, maybe I can make up the money from this window. And here you see the Maillard reaction upon the meat that has caused it to brown. And now with but a dollop of butter, I shall finish it off.

Could have been freeze better. You, dear, speak to me of the Maillard reaction. Mino's face was burned in the terrible flames of Thrangas. I'll show you a reaction. Behold this, the Maillard flames of my very own Kème brûlée! Holy shit. I made the custard myself. Oh wow. Oh shit, is that custard?

Yes, everyone helped us out. I actually want to interject something. Yes chef? Something's going on at this prison. Oh. I mean, how much fucking foie gras would you anticipate in a prison cafeteria? Oh yeah. That can't be right.

Well, the reason we came here, Cahax'raths, was because villains have been disappearing and we thought if the wizards are in control and amassing power and they are simply plucking villains off, are they plucking them off to get them out of the way to cause actual peace and wellbeing in the land? Or are they gathering them for some deeper, darker, more nefarious purpose? I didn't hear most of that because I got distracted when you said

they were being plucked off. Yeah, they're being plucked off, you know. You just jerk a couple out of the sky and then right into the prison here. Yeah. You know, and then, you know, finish them off just like you would the meat. My god, villains, true villains,

being plucked off of the face of Foon, like bloody chunks of llama off the face of a weeping child. Oh no. Oh wait, this was an all ages improv show? No, no, no, that was a petting zoo, Arnie. The petting zoo was filled with children, which my stupid cowardly wagon avoided hitting due to its mushy conscience. It swerved to avoid the children that absolutely bulldozed a herd of llamas.

Oh. In defense of the haunted wagon, they too have felt that similar trauma, so I can understand them not wanting to pay that trauma for. Oh, you're right. That's what's wrong with the wagon. Its tenderness is marked by the fact that with each new victim,

it has another ghost that resents being run over by a wagon. Exactly. Uhhh, now I know exactly what I need to do. I need to kill a thousand people who love running over people with wagons. Uh, aren't you sort of so reset is that good? Thousand people who want to run over I would make them wagon works the way he wants I I don't know if it's good Arnie isn't this what you always call a Dexter situation or something from Earth It is like a killer that kills killers. Okay Killer be killed killer be killed The I've been trapped in this prison for some time. The work of wizards beyond this

place troubles me dearly. Do you believe these wizards have something to do with the overflowing wards of this carceral fortress? Oh yes, here in the topless tower we know that it is none other than the wizards who have caused this to happen. Who else has the power and the magic to cause such an epic event to occur? I've been asking around about who the warden is. Oh yeah?

Because we know the wizards run it in general, like they own it, they have like an investment in it. But apparently it's Kornkop, the calico is the warden. Oh, the cat wizard. The cat wizard, adorable. That's why when you hear something out of that speaker and it sounds like a cat meowing, it is a cat meowing. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Like those are announcements we're supposed to understand.

Oh, you kept making that joke that it sounded like the peanuts parents and I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. That's a good one. You're referring to the baker and his wife outside the realm of Threely, who, making a wish to be with child after years of being alone, gave birth to a hideous peanut. How I hate talking about Charlie Brown. You said that Corncob the Calico, is this this this warden? Do you know presumably is this this is this a cat?

Well it's it's a wizard. You know, Calhaxras, as a wizard, you are born into the world. You aren't raised. You don't learn magic, you just are. Now most of us wizards, when we descend from the heavens at the bequest of those who need a champion and by the goddess's allowance, we do not necessarily have to be a human shaped,

but most of us are. And Korda Karn decided to be a cat. So you sort of didn't have to work for your magical powers. I mean, I wouldn't put it that way. I think I work very hard to accomplish the things that I accomplish in my life. You know, I've had some advantages.

I freely admit that, that I was, you know, born into some sort of privilege. You kind of don't freely admit it. You kind of had to pull it out of you. Oh yeah. That's as free as it gets? Even your tone of voice feels like you're being boxed in at a hockey game. Well, it's just that I don't like the idea that just because I happen to be what I am that somehow I should be looked down upon as lesser than those who learn magic.

You know, I know if some stupid meat bag wants to learn some magic, I go for it. Good for you. I mean, it won't be as powerful as a natural wizard, but whatever. The detail I'm stuck on is when you said corn cob the calico picked their form You use it or picked this form for yourself. How how dare you? How dare you say that to my face? That's you that's you use it or put the fucking sounds very steak in your face But the fucking sounds very steak in your face Sounds better everywhere Got him. Yes. I wish there's some sort of like like a jocke's jam that just like just like just kicked in right when you

Sir go Look I've turned my back on the Wizards They are the traitors and I am the only one who stood up for the people. And I've even considered lately, Kal Haxorus, that maybe royalty is kind of a fucked up system. What? What do you mean? That maybe kings and queens shouldn't be born into power, and perhaps that we should have duly elected officials, you know, like the mayors of the towns, but perhaps they should run everything. No, listen, royalty absolutely rules. Think about it.

I mean, that's technically true, yes. Every monarch is descended from an ancient line that begins with someone who absolutely killed everybody. They all descend from a demented murderer, absolute fucking ogre, and then that ogre's shitty children in a line stretching through time, their way absolutely paved in the blood of conquest, got everything handed to them in a silver platter. It is an ideal form of government, and I say that as a hateful ghost in spiky armor. I guess that's the kind of person who'd just like to have a beer with. Yeah, I mean, think about all the incest these people have.

Like, Arnie, have you heard of the Hensburg neck? There's a line of monarchs of the Hensburg neck? There's a line of monarchs called the Hensburgs and their necks just something really weird about their necks. Chum, why do you always focus on the incest part? Hmm? Whenever we are talking about anything,

you're like, also there's the incest part of it. Calhaxress, you make a lot of good points, but I would counter that perhaps people who are Unquestioned in their decisions and their rulemaking Should be questioned and should be asked and should be held accountable by the very people who they serve Who who lunches the lunch man? Wait speaking of we have a big old line is the lunch man. Wait, speaking of, we have a big old line. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. The bananas are alive, so if they're 69ing, you can enjoy eating them, knowing that they were completely sentient. Mwah! Listen, you guys aren't planning an escape by any means, are you? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the power I leverage here as captain of the lunchroom, but I would love to get back to that cum house

by any means possible. Oh wow. To be totally honest, we haven't thought that far ahead. We got in here without a way out, and Arnie, that's a great point. We should think about getting out of here. We figured we'd get around to that eventually. We thought we would do a story here

for like 70, 80 episodes, but we should probably start thinking, we should probably start thinking about an escape sooner rather than later. Could take a year or so. Fucking Skull Master Island bullshit again. Wait, Skull Master. That sounds like someone I would vibe with.

Aren't you Skull Master? Oh, you'd love Skull Master. Oh, do you hear that, that lightning? Skull Master is probably here. I mean, there's so many villains here. It's hard to like meet all of them in a couple of weeks time, but there's so many villains here. It's hard to like meet all of them in a couple of weeks time, but there's so many villains here.

Like Skull Master's probably here. Excuse me, did you say Skull Blaster? Oh. No. I'm Skull Blaster. Look at this Mega Man looking motherfucker. What did you say? My dog hates you.

Turns dog into a skateboard. Did you say you're a Skull Blaster? I'm Soul Master. Sorry, let me make my wayer. Did you say you're a skull blaster? I'm soul master. Sorry, let me make my way back, would you say? You're a skull blaster? I'm soul master. Cool dude. So you're like the only master?

So don't step on my territory. What? You think you're the only master? I'm a soul master. You're the soul master? No, I'm a skull blaster. Me? He said blaster. I said master. Soul, master. Skull, blaster.

Get it straight. Hey, are you guys talking about forming a villain squad? I'm Skull Soul, the master of bone blasting. Whoa, we've got to get together. Let's do it. I love it. I command the undead and I have a cannon for both arms and then two cannons for legs.

And my mouth is. How do you wipe? Huh? How do you wipe? I don't, man. I don't. No need. Everyone put a hand or a cannon in.

Hey guys. On the count of three. Is there room for me and your team? Oh, what's your thing? Maybe. I'm cheese road. No, thank you. No, keep it moving. It's your thing? Maybe. I'm cheese road. No, thank you. No, keep it moving. It's kind of the same.

I'm kind of the same as you guys. Not even a little bit. I'm a maybe, I don't know. Way off, way off. All right, I'm gonna find somebody. Have you guys heard anybody, any other villains that seem similar to cheese road? I'm sorry, cheese road.

Here's your Salisbury steak. Please have a seat. Is it Cheese Road? What? What? Is it? No, I have questions about Cheese Road's lore. I'm sorry.

I'm supposed to mess up. I have questions. Sorry, my name's Chunt. Hello, Cheese Road is starting to look pretty good. I have questions. I don't know where to start. What is Cheese Road to you? That's my name. Okay. And you were named that because...

I was born a milkman. Sorry, sorry. You were born a milkman. No. Not the Occupy. I was born a man made of milk. Oh, okay. Let's hear some more about that. And then I eventually became a man made of cheese. Oh, all right. So you had some sort of fermentation process. So there's enzymes at you, what the hell? Then I was wrongly accused of a murder and I had to go on the road and solve people's

problems town to town, but then I would always cheese out. Hmm, I don't know. We've got like a whole skull soul thing going on. Okay, alright, well that's my thing. You were wrongly accused of a murder so they sent you on tour? No I was being hunted and so I left. Oh. And I was like going from town to town, like just sort of drifting a little bit. So it's cheese road, not road like a road but like the past tense of ride

Cheese road. Yeah, but cheese road cheese road. He did she wrote at one point. Yeah I thought he was saying cheese robe the whole time. Oh, do you guys know cheese robe? The dairy sorcerer desire the the far seer from our oh shit she's right here guys the conjurer of queso to die your rope your your cheese is open your cheese flat I need my nipples to breathe hey cheese robe it's me cheese road we should do up done let's escape I can make a portal fuck we should have fucking partner oh mother fuck got out of here damn it oh man I should have talked during any of the yes, she's robe is the real deal Many villains

You guys my number one observation being here at the lunchline Yeah, they're handing the V word out left and right my god I was just thinking the same thing like any it seems like any old shithead can get in here I would say easy 20% of this prison are actually just anti-heroes. And it pisses me off. Yeah. It pisses me off, okay? Did someone say anti-hero?

Here's a chocolate, here's a chocolate. Hello, anti-hero. Hello, boys. Hello, anti-hero. Can I have some extra slop, please? Yes, a little extra slop, yes, Auntie Hero. Hello, boys. Hello, Auntie Hero. Can I have some extra slop, please? Yes, a little extra slop, yes, of course. Thank you. The Auntie Hero is an ant-themed witch who makes chocolates

and also is a cook of crystal meth and has a sort of side gig going on and has a really toxic relationship with her wife, who is hated by the rest of the prison. Yes, no, there are many caliber villains fallen. I hate to be overly nostalgic or be that guy, but it ain't like it used to be, I'll tell you that. Oh yeah, I mean, with someone like Cheese Road here, you know, it's like I feel like out in the you know in the real world

Cheese Road is not doing much damage right? Am I crazy? We can agree that cheese road kind of sucked But can we make a promise that sometime in the next year or two have a dedicated a full episode? Yeah, you know cheese robe because he was kind of cool. I mean, cheese robe was pretty interesting, I'm not going to lie. I'd love to see some more of him. But before we commit to that, let's take a short break. Did I tell you about my husband? He died.

Alan Rarig was found dead in a parking lot in Oklahoma. He's partly decomposed. He'd been shot twice, once to the head. It was a baffling tragedy. You'd think his wife would be devastated. But a far more frightening set of circumstances eventually came to light. She was either the black widow or bad luck. I don't know which.

People began to wonder, who was Sandra Bridewell? and bad luck, I don't know which. People began to wonder, who was Sandra Bridewell? These guys didn't really see her coming. This is the unbelievable story of a femme fatale with a trail of bodies in her wake and a lifetime of deception that has never been fully aired until now. If something ever happened to me, then they would know who did it.

From Sony Music Entertainment, this is Fatal Beauty, available now on the binge. Search for Fatal Beauty wherever you get your podcasts to start listening today. In the early hours of December 4th, 2024, CEO Brian Thompson stepped out onto the streets of Midtown Manhattan. This assailant pulls out a weapon and starts firing at him.

We're talking about the CEO of the biggest private health insurance corporation in the world and the suspect. He has been identified as Luigi Nicholas man, Johnny became one of the most divisive figures in modern criminal history. It was targeted premeditated and meant to sow terror. I'm Jesse Weber host of Luigi produced by law and crime and twist this is more than a true crime investigation we explore a uniquely American moment that could change the country

forever. The people to a true issue. I mean maybe this would lead rich and powerful people to acknowledge the barbaric nature of our healthcare system. Listen to Law and Crime's Luigi exclusively on Wondery Plus. You can join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Spotify or Apple podcasts. So Calhacktris. Yes. I know we still haven't served more than two or three people, but I do have to ask you.

If we can get out of here, would you maybe be interested in teaming up with us to defeat the wizards? What's in it for me? Remember, always Arnie, to look out for number one. What's in it for old Kal Haxorus? Well the wizards did put you here in this prison. One, don't you maybe want revenge? Revenge?

Oh, for them putting me here in this prison? My life is a prison. I served the Red Queen dutifully for my entire life. If I can claw my way up from the kitchens to become warden of the prison to eventually captain of their armies. They will let me ravage the lands of Fuln, which is my dearest heart's desire. Oppose the wizards? I seek their wicked order and to execute their terrible vision.

What if we told you that somewhere hidden in the prison, somewhere tucked away within the topless tower is a super duper secret come house. Go on. Keep talking Badger. If you keep talking like that this banana will papaya. I'll tell you that right now. Arnie, you sir, back me up.

We know where it's at right? Well we know how to get there. We've heard the rhyme that will open the secret door. Arnie, you know the rhyme. No, guys, you know me. I barely know how to make anybody come. But you do know the rhyme of the ancient come-houser, right? 30.

Okay. If thou wish to come a lot, Ancient come how sir right 30 okay? If thou wish to come a lot Take a magic cooking pot Ecstasy first you soon will saw Search now for that ancient door. Ancient door? Wait a minute. Ancient door? You, Usador, you're ancient? Oh, come on. Once you find it, he chose to be this way.

Get in the pot! Get in the pot! Get in the pot! There's a little bit more to the rhyme. I'm so close to cooking, Usador. I'm so close to it. No need to cook, my friend. Um, oh, so it's find the door and then knock thrice. Come so hard, put your dick on ice. Alright, I'm going to hit Usador in the head with my gauntlet three times, and hopefully I'll bust. One, two, three. Ysir, Ysir, cast a little spell to make it come.

Ysir. I'm worth it. Good, good, good, good. Well that wasn't very good at all. I only came quite a little bit. Barely a bump in the road. I think, uh... Whoa, come on, you hit llamas.

Don't say bump in the road. I think, uh... Whoa, come on, you hit llamas. Don't say bump in the road. Hey, take it from a guy who runs over a lot of llamas. That was a little bump in the road, alright? Alright, uh, well, uh... Perhaps then, if that is not as enticing, uh... You should know what brought us here. What brought you here? One of the last villains that we knew of to disappear

was none other than the Red Queen Merzia herself. Oh! She's here. She's got a super big crush on her still. She's here somewhere. We have not seen her yet. Probably especially imprisoned in one of the places, because she's probably one of the

The bigger villains in top tier for sure. Yeah. Yeah, I'd be in like a especially unpleasant part of the topless tower You don't think they would have put her in the wailing ward. Do you that's the one? Yeah, I heard some Well, it was the wailing ward. Yeah, we know what the wailing ward is, but key what just to confirm What is the wailing ward the Wailing Ward is, but just to confirm, what is the Wailing Ward? The Wailing Ward. Deep in the bowels of the topless tower lies the Wailing Ward behind lock and key, stone and spell, arcane grimoires lit atop black candles to keep any magic from piercing inside the Wailing Wall, filled with the moaning keens of those mourning their lost lives,

is so named for the fact that it used to be a Scrimshaw factory where they did Wailing art. Oh. Within the Wailing Ward was this heart of the prison built, and I heard that only the most mad and powerful sorcerers, wizards, warlocks, witches, fiends, and those whose very hearts dive into the deepest, darkest depths of black magic are kept there.

And if she is there, by my very undead spirit, will I find her and ask her to go out with me? Oh, that's a good idea, yeah. Alright. And imagine this, if you helped us defeat the wizards and we could open this place up, you'd be free to go anywhere you'd like on your date with the Red Green Mercia. Do you think we could go to my friend Evan's Improv Show? Uh...

A third time? A third time. Jeez. He failed 301. That's not even one of the normal ones where you can fail. I don't think they give grades for that, but uh... Now look, I'm going to say this to you. If you go on your first date with Red Queen Mercia and you have a good time, we'll pay for the second date. It is done. By my own death will I serve your quest here

within the topless tower. Also, do you guys think you could help me pick out some clothes for the day? Sure. What should I wear? A full top to bottom white suit with a white bow tie? Oh yes chef.

I think the full top to bottom white suit and I think also then make sure the first date, bring flowers, bring chocolates, bring a giant teddy bear. Yes, put a lot of pressure on it. Yes. Yes, yes, exactly. You're right, Usador.

I shall put a tremendous amount of pressure on her. I will let her know that it means so much to me. And that, of course, it is just a first date, but I'll let her know with my facial expression and my tone that I need this to work. Right, right. You don't need to get to know her. You already know what's going on. Yes. She can't possibly impress me any more than she already has. I don't want to create any sense of mystery or like we should get to know each other. I want it to be clear that I am a flat doormat screaming at her to walk on me. Ohhhh. Chuck, what's that grunting? Chuck, you're grunting.

No, I'm just thinking, I don't know, like maybe... You said you have like a haunted cart that you ride around and kill llamas with or something, right? Yes? Like maybe sell the cart, maybe get yourself like a two-wheeled cart. You know those carts where it's like just two wheels and they're one right in front of the other? You know? Are you talking about a bicycle? Like get one of those, maybe like put some gel in your helm. You know, like get some leather armor.

You know, when you see her be like, I don't care, immediately be like, I don't care. Does that make sense? Hmm. But if I tell her that I don't care, then that might make it seem like I don't care. And then maybe she, you have to understand when I slew the gladwin's I pressed every advantage and I leapt forward and slew

them with my blade of dark steel and when I wish to give my soul away I tried as hard as I could every success I've had in my life has been with maximum effort and feverish obsession and I have to assume that dating works like that too. Yeah, I'm so sorry. Let's start with, what is your, have you taken a Moyers-Bruggs test? What's your Moyers-Bruggs? Quoth, nef, clath, bloth.

Oh, actually now I see it, you're a total Wath-Nef-Clath-Cloth. Classic. Classic. Wath-Nef-Clath-Cloth, yeah, I can see that too. I see it, I see it you're a total walk. I was like Waffen f Clath Barth. Yeah, I can see that too. I see it. I see it Okay Yeah, the blog was surprising but actually it kind of makes a lot of sense because I do actually Expend more energy in social situations Yes, that's the thing about that test is that sometimes you're like I always thought I was the opposite of that and then when you

Think about it. You're like, oh wait, no, I am that. Yes. This fits me exactly. It's the nice thing about the Moyers Brug and various personality tests and astrology and other ways of categorizing yourself is that you can always change how you think about yourself to make the online test right exactly yeah of course I'm

sorry to interrupt but Critch the giant is here for his lunch can I feed him these seven goats oh yes absolutely you do you want to flash fry him real quick yeah flash fry him real quick all right this fryer is big so watch out oh all right Arnie go ahead sorry I just wanted to get Critchie's lunch before he smashed us all. I was going to say, Kalahaxrus. I was going to say, Chef. Yes, Chef? Speaking of changing yourself, have you thought about, like, what's Kalahaxrus at an 8? Like, you're usually Kalahaxrus at a 10. What's Kalahaxrus at an eight or even what's Calhaxras at a six? Whoa.

Do you seek to diminish my own dead light? No, no, I see it as a challenge. Is he doing a challenge? Like, could you be a 10 at being a six? Of course I could be a 10 at being a six. I can do anything. So I can do less than the most because I can always do the most and if doing less is the most of doing Then that's the most I'll do Present me with a hypothetical situation. Sure. Sure. Sean. Sean. Are you comfortable? Role-playing with Calhaxras as being the Red Queen Merzia. I'm already wearing the dress. Oh, that's right

All right. Wowunning. Look at this sleek and supple badger in this gorgeous evening gown. And smack across the face. Gah! How dare you look me umbered down. What's your name? I have served you faithfully for long centuries. I am Calhaxulis the Grim, your sworn death knight. Please, hurt me, do anything to connect us. Even a spell of damnation would let me know that you had seen me. Okay, the worst part is that does seem like it's Kal Haxlis out of six. That's the worst

part about it. Yes, that's a good six, right? You want to see it at a ten? Yes, okay. Yeah, let's see it at a 10? Yes, okay, yeah. Yeah, let's see it at a 10, okay. All right, Chunk, give me the slap one more time. Okay, and smack across the face. How dare you look me up and down. What's your name? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Uh... WHAAAAAAAT? Spirits of death and darkness, un-make me shatter my armor!

AAAAAAAAHHHH! FWHAAAT? FWHAAT? Blastin' blablabla! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN See? That's what you get when you come in at a ten every time. That's how you get the number, little Arnie. That's how you get them digits, okay? Plug this into my phone. Hold on tight with the gauntlets. Okay. And I will be the lover of the Red Queen. And I'll wait. This is a roleplay. Dang! This is a roleplay.. This is a role play Yeah, but I appreciate how you really gave yourself over to it. I'll still sleep with you. Have you thought about getting into it? Oh

Yeah, let's do an improv show For the prison, let's do an improv show Okay, let's um, can we get a suggestion of anything at all, please? Murder I heard of anything at all please? Die! Murder! I heard wizard. Go fuck yourself.

Okay, I heard wizard spatula. Pineapple! I heard pineapple, thank you. A reasonable good suggestion. Pineapple. Oh, actually Arnie, pineapples are pretty rare in food. Does everyone here know what a pineapple is? Raise your hand if you don't know what a pineapple is.

Seeing a lot of hands.. Seeing a lot of hands. Everyone raised their hands. Okay, a lot of hands. Most everyone. Here, I'll just conjure one and show everyone. Here everyone, this is a pineapple. Oh wait, this actually works for an opening. Woosh, the pineapple sits atop another pineapple.

Woosh. Arnie, get in there. Oh, it's big. Oh my god When it's wet big, uh-huh. No, you don't Oprah I won the improv set. I am the winner of the improv set! Holy shit, that was... that was the best improv show I've ever been a part of! Okay, bring it in, bring it in, guys. Hey, amazing show, let me go through my notes here. Look, I don't know if the audience liked it, but at least we had fun.

Can I tell you something? Improv is not about the audience liking it, okay? Oh, good. Okay? I, I feel... It's about, oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, I know we're not supposed to note each other, but I feel like my offer was denied. I tried to decapitate Chunt and Chunt Dodge,

which feels like negating my offer. Yeah, no. I thought it was... Also, when I said it was big, chunt rolled his eyes. Yeah. Yeah, I think we're kind of focusing in on the problem in this group Are we gonna do any organic work? I want to work on organics. Yeah, I'd like to do or get it I'd also like I just like to say What when Arnie said it's big I rolled my eyes because I was thinking of saying that's what she said But then I remember Arnie said don't say that. Yeah, so so it's actually Arnie said it's big, I rolled my eyes because I was thinking of saying that's what she said, but then I remember Arnie said, don't say that.

So it's actually Arnie's fault. Okay, good, good, good, good, good, good. Kyle Haxbridge, what was your question you said? Are we going to learn organic work? I thought we were going to do opening throughout. Yeah. And I want to work on organic thematic stuff. I'm tired of simply ruthlessly pursuing the game of the scene

I want to do some fun organic stuff and get involved in relationships explore relationships. Yes. Yes. Yes Yes, yes, why don't we do some truss falls and I think that'll tick a lot of those boxes. So right So you and the blue why don't you stand up on the big, uh, goat fryer? Okay. Here we go. And then fall backwards. Ah, shit! I should've- Okay, sorry. My bad. Everyone get behind here. I'm being fried alive! Okay, hold on. It's not your turn.

Listen. Listen to- Okay. Listen to understand, don't listen to respond. Does that make sense? Got it! Yes, Chef? While you're in there, some goats dropped to the bottom. See if you can fish them out. Okay, ow, ow, ow, ow. Speaking of fishing them out, I do have a vacation coming up. I'm going to go to the sea.

Could I get my five gold per person now instead of at the end? I don't like waiting around for everyone to get their five gold out. Oh, yes, I'll get my five gold out, absolutely. Okay, backing up slowly, I see that. Listen, when I give the word, we all have to scatter. The last thing I'm planning on doing is paying this improv coach. Yeah, shouldn't the prison be paying for it?

What are we doing? Yeah, should the prison be paying for it? What are we doing? Yeah, agreed. Who is this guy? Also, it's actually a big discussion in the prison right now is that if the prison is gonna mandate improv classes, they should really be paying for them. Yeah, oh yeah.

I think that's Master Cheese. Ooh, Master Cheese is the, oh yes. He's the improv coach, yeah, that's Master Cheese. Hey yo. Guys, you're waiting for my five coins. Five gold coins, please. I have your five coins right here. Banana papaya!

Get out! Oh, wait, were we all supposed to run in different directions? Guys, I'm down the hall! Guys! Quick, catch up! Alright. The Wailing Ward is not far from here. If you wish, we could try to break out the Red Queen of Merzia altogether. But wouldn't she appreciate it more if you did it on your own?

You know, we want you operating at a ten, and not not at a 5 with the rest of us making up the difference. It's a great point. Very well. If you can give me some small piece of magical aid, at least perhaps scrying into the Wailing Ward, to give me a lay of the land that I might later rescue my beloved Red Queen, of the land that I might later rescue my beloved Red Queen, then my blade shall be yours in your final conquest of the wizards. I shall try my best, but you said there are many magical impediments there, so allow me to look within my mind's eye and see what is sight beyond natural sight. Erath-Torot, and Tala-Thantar. I see a pair of eyes

staring down from the ceiling, sharpened teeth as the Red Queen Merzia slowly draws her fingers across the badges she has collected the mini knickknacks and delightful bits of Flair she loves so much. Oh, I need to find a pillow or a big book here at the prison. Let me look around here She is waiting Waiting for her knight in shining armor So she has a flare she has flair? She loves flair. Pawnee, right? Yeah, she's been collecting little pins of power on a vest to eventually do away with all the theme restaurants.

It's sort of her new thing. She told me all about it when I spent a summer with her. Oh, wow. So she sort of become obsessed with like TGIF or like chilis? A little bit, yeah. It's a little weird. She's really into it though. She's passionate about it, so you know, I'd let her talk about it. Huh, okay. Speaking of, have you been to Crackenbarrel?

Love Crackenbarrel. The little bins game? The little bins game. Love that. I'm an ignoramus. Oh yes, I shattered the table in two when I couldn't figure it out and the little board called me an ignoramus as well. Whoa. Also, those big, it's like a rug but it's checkers.

Remember that? It's like a rug but it's checkers, Arnie. You seen that? It's like a rug but checkers. Comically oversized. Yeah. Like, it's like if a rug were checkers Arnie at all houses. I also love the restaurant chains politics That's right, you're a villain I keep forgetting how evil you are. I love cracking barrels politics

Hey, I walk up to any table there and I say how do you feel about people that are different from you? And I always love the answer I get. Mm-hmm. I hope they have this terrible old-timey candy. Oh, but I see. I can see the inner workings of the Red Queen of Moesia's mind now. They are laid bare to me.

She is waiting for a knight, a knight to save her. Waiting for a knight? She thinks if her. Waiting for the night? She thinks if only he would come, if only he would come. Ooh. If only he would come, if only he would come. I need to get back to the cum house. It always comes back to the cum house.

Boy, you tell me. All roads, sorry, all ropes lead to the cum house. Liz Badger, you are a filthy little creature. Of course you burrow right in the dirt. I'll tell you what. I know that I have always kept a chip on my shoulder and even now more so because I have literal chips on my shoulders from getting the tortilla surprise ready. But yes, you have so much of that tortilla surprise on you right now. It's a fucking mess, but I'll tell you what. You guys are all right.

You guys are all right. Oh, thank you. Thank you, chef. Well, we'll be heading back to our cell now. I hope you have a good rest of your day and we'll see you tomorrow in the lunch room. Oh, I'll be seeing you all right. Mercia's depending on me. my final chance to prove my worth and earn her wicked love

And if she needs a brave night to come to her rescue then come I Alright that lunch line play long, okay. We'll see tomorrow tomorrow good night chef. Yeah. Good night chef. Good night chefs You are no longer my minions. You've been added your last papaya Oh, I see you as chefs and brothers Thank you. Woah. Heard, Chef. Heard. Mwah.

Arnie Chunti. Oh, oh, uh, mwah to you. Aww. I've never been, I've never felt more validated in my life. Yeah, Arnie, you said it would take three seasons for us to be chefs. I, I know, I didn't think I cared what that crazy maniac thought of me, but as soon as he gave me validation, it meant so much to me. Yeah.

Oh man. I sure hope the Red Queen Mercy is in that room. I just made all that shit up. I mean what's worse if she is or isn't? Like is it worse if you discover she's not there? Or is it worse the crazy shit that's gonna go down if he does actually find her? Also Cheese Master missed the whole thing. I wanted notes on my back. Yeah what am I paying for if I'm not getting notes? I'm going to go out on a limb and say I haven't gotten this much entertainment from a prison-type setting since I crashed that church talent show and insisted on doing the cellblock tango while substituting in bible names until the sextons dragged me out and tossed me in

an alley next to some discarded coffee cakes from fellowship hour. Oh, that takes me back. Luke, Job, Ruth, Ezra, Chronicles, Lipschitz. Look it up, it's in there. Yuzuru the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. Kalahaxorus the Grimm was played by special guest Brennan Lee Mulligan. Check out Brennan's actual play podcast, Worlds Beyond Number.

Did you not get the memo Brennan? Just one world. The only number it's beyond is zero. Wherever you get your podcasts. And check out the new version of Dimension 20, ugh, I cannot even, with Brennan as the DM on Dropout TV. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus, Podpires, with Steve Waltine and Alex Eilhauer. Yes, so first, VOM! The wonderful piece of merch is the Vox-a-Teeth. These are the Vox-a-Teeth that can simulate the mouth of the vampire. Now, first of all, we hope that you suck. We hope that you suck.

But if you don't suck yet, go out, get bitten if you can, find someone to get to bite you, but while your teeth are growing, we want to get you the wax teeth of Vlad and Chad so that you can look like us and you can start to suck Yes, I second piece of merchandise to two pieces of merchandise We have a special exfoliating cream so after a long

Day perhaps of going out and sucking blood from living beings You may find yourself with living by And by when we say day, we mean night. Yes, of course, night, of course. the Apple Patreon app to avoid any extra Apple fees. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Yogan, Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate Producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Stefan Drainger. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Levan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Hey guys, so sorry, cheese master actually got a little bit sick.

You got hit with an anti-cheese spell, so I'm going to sub in for him for right now. But you guys wanted notes on the on the spell? Yeah, if you mind. I've seen this guy improvise and he plays a lot of dogs. I'll never trust anyone that plays animals. I love the spell Ysidor. It was an amazing offer and I think you're an incredible verbal performer. The writing aspect of that was awesome.

I think that characterization wise, the more dry that some of the spell casting is, the harder it is for your sort of teammates to latch onto what to do. Think about like, how would you have cast it if you were a big old dog? There it is, there it is. Told you guys. If you were a big old dog, like if you were like,

woof woof, I'm a doggy. Okay, that's sort of fun. How would you, so just like, I think making a strong choice. Like picture that you're starting a spell, Arnie comes out and he says, I'm your, I'm your dad. And we were wizards together, right? That's fine. But if he comes out and goes, woof, woof, I'm a doggy, then you go, God, I know exactly where I am. I know exactly what to yes. And see. Yeah.

Fuck. It's just, even a broken clock is right. Twice a day. At 24, I lost my narrative or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help

them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts.