Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 54 - Prison Snake Princess (w/ Sayjal Joshi)

Episode Date: May 5, 2025

Foofina the Snake Princess wants to help Arnie, Usidore and Chunt survive prison by making them her minions. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungFoofina: Sayjal JoshiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The man who defeated Hitler, but also the man who oversaw the deaths of millions of his own people. How did he get away with it? And why is he so popular in Russia today? So, whether it's a double agent, a dictator or a disgraced broadcaster, get stuck into Wanderys VE Day specials from British Scandal, The Spy Who and Legacy. Find them wherever you listen to podcasts or binge the full seasons early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

But it's spring in the northern hemisphere of your world. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, framing devices are shedding their winter exoskeletons, and wandering into their walk-in closets of floral capes. Love is in the air. Wait, no, that's microplastics. Well, whatever it is, they smell and taste delicious. Now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food. We've been doing this for 10 years.

Now in prison. Jason, don't forget to take out the garbage. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Ten years and a month or two ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the topless tower, a maximum security prison for villains,

which we thought we could easily escape. But apparently, we are more trapped here than we thought. That said, get me through it all. I'd like to introduce my co-host, Shun the Talking Badger. Uh-uh. What? Darkwater Dave.

Oh, shit, that's right. You wanted me to introduce you as your villain identity. Also, joining me as always, Darkwater Dave. I don't wait for any introduction by any man. I'm Darkwater Dave. You're a tall bag of chips. I am a tall bag of chips. It's true, thank you. It makes me feel really good being called that.

Yeah, it is my pleasure. Arnie, I feel like since it seems like we're gonna be here a while, it feels like Darkwater Dave sounds a bit tougher than Chunt, so I just wanna... That's true. I really will slip into I'm Darkwater. That's right. I'm Darkwater Dave. You want to know how I got this name? Sure. One day, I was minding my own business robbing a horse. And all of a sudden, a man comes out of the woods and stabs me in the stomach. Mid story. Are you open to questions? or do you want me to wait until the end? I'll take two questions, Mid Story. You were robbing a horse.

Mm-hmm, and no, doesn't mean I was jumping on a horse to ride away, therefore robbing the rider. I was robbing the horse of its possessions. Now, as we all know- Was the horse there or did you sneak into the horse's house while it was away? The horse was there, but the horse was asleep. Now we all know that... I think technically that's a burglary. I robbed a horse.

Alright! Then a man came out of the woods and stabbed me in the tummy. A dark water started to pour out of my body. A deep dark red. This water was so red that it stained the grass where it fell. And ever since then Dave called me Dark Water Dave. Did you know my body is made up of 60% dark water? I did not know that. But you're very convincingly evil. Ooh, all the worst villains refer to their stomach as their tummy. Shit. Oh fuck. Arnie, should I?

Look, here's the thing, I'm so sorry, I hope I didn't come off as a dick when I said that. Like how do you want me to give notes? Like I'm just trying to protect you if you wanna commit to this being a villain thing. Okay, and I have to get notes. Okay, so I guess if I have to get notes, how do I want them?

Yeah. How about gut hole? The horse's name? No, instead of tummy. Oh, now I want a horse named Gut-Hole. Uh oh, well you can make that the horse name too. Gut-Hole's a good name for a horse. That's right, you heard it here first. Darkwater Dave rides upon a stabbed horse called Gut-Hole.

Oh, that's so good. Oh, I am also joined by my other co-host. I am Usador, wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ophesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tragas, the elves know his fear not, the dwarves know his zone of noxious damages, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maestar, and there may be other secret names, names that you from there hear escaped mine lips but I'm compulsive to say mine full name and titles but yes I suppose I should do like Chunt and take on my villain disguise I am no longer Yusador but Dorasu the fat stupid bag of stupid meat magic sorcerer I'm just a dumb idiot human who had to learn magic instead of being a wonderful angelic being who fell from the heavens and became a wizard. Yeah, and I just realized gut hole rhymes with butt hole. Yeah I don't even think about that. Yeah, did you stab the horse twice? Does it have two gut holes? Oh, it does now. Hey Arnie, thank you so much. Thank you so much. You're a lifesaver.

Arnie Chunt, I'm so terrified. For the last week I have been doing not but trying to devise some way to escape from this prison for Ian my incredible powers have failed to give us purchase or purview into some manner of escape. But I have heard, I have heard tell of the person behind the person, the one who's pulling all the strings. They refer to them pulling all the strings. They refer to them simply as the snake. And if anyone can get us out of here, it's the snake.

What happened? So wait a second, you're not talking about Corn Cobb, the calico, the cat wizard that runs the prison, the warden, you're talking about one of the- Fuck Corn Cobb! Stupid cat wizard can eat a bag of shit. Corn Cobb will do it, he's crazy. He is crazy. I mean, cats love eating shit, right?

You have to actively stop them. I think he's referring to me. Whoa! Snake, snake! Whoa, whoa, whoa, holy shit. Nice to see you. Wait, wait, I have seen you before. Previously when I was trapped in that amulet by Dripfang.

Oh, yeah, you know what? I don't think we've ever officially met, though. Oh, yes, well, I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarrakis, the elves know me as Feangelic, the dwarves know me as Zoninhuk Stengiz, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maestar, and I am known to the snake people of the Spartan jungle as... Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Name. Yes, my snake maidens have my snake mains have talked about you. Oh What did they what they say? Oh, they said you're an F boy. Oh, okay. Well, sorry Chunt yeah, you said I was talking to one of his spinoff friends

Arnie chan sorry. This is Fufina the snake princess of the Spartanga jungle. That's right Hello, I'm a snake princess of the Spartanga jungle. That's right. Hello, I'm a snake princess. I handle some of the lower level duties of the kingdom when everybody else is out of town. Oh, sure. You're like a giant, how would you describe yourself? Like a giant snake woman? It's kind of like an Amazonian snake woman. It's like a mer-snake, like a snake, a mer- not a mermaid, but like a snake-maid. Snake-maid?

Yeah, like snake on the bottom, party on the top. Okay. Arnie, have we told you about Amazonians here in Foon? No. Ah, the snake people all take a vow to nair sleep and to work 24 hours a day delivering packages to people all over Foon. They piss in jars. They piss in jars. It's nuts.

That is a nasty rumor. I'm gonna dispel that rumor right now. That is a nasty rumor that has been going around. Anyway, I've been in this prison for a while now and I'm kind of the HBIC, if you know what I mean. I guess I don't know what you mean. Guys, guys, guys, huddle up, huddle up. HBIC. I guess I don't know guys guys guys huddle up huddle up. Yeah

Hbic Is it like it sort of sounds like something a bank would have horny bugs No, and it doesn't track horny bugs in cahoots. Oh Bugs in cahoots. Are you a horny bugs in cahoots? Oh, no, you know what? I should have said HSIC had snakeahoots. Oh no, you know what I should have said HSIC, head snake in charge. Oh. That's right, I pull the strings on the puppet master around these parts. So not head bacon charge. Did you say bacon? I love bacon. Oh I love bacon too. We're bonding. Okay we have something in common. Maybe you can be one of my minions. Oh, Arnie, you'd make a great snake maid.

When life hands you snakes, make snake maid. You know what? I'm going to write that down. Oh, princess, I do you need, you're a snake. Do you need help writing that down or you? No, I have the top of music like a woman yeah you gotta look all the way up my underbelly yeah holy cow yeah no I mean just a genuine respectful appreciation I think holy cow is a compliment you know

worship cows and if I may princess I wouldn't call it an underbelly. I'd call it like an under gut hole. You know what? I would do. Thank you. Yeah, I always try to work gut hole into every conversation, and it never seems to be able to slip in really easily. You know, I don't want to use it. Right. Yeah, I don't know why. Yeah, it's a weird word.

Maybe it's because it rides with butthole. It's kind of a weird word. Oh my gosh. But that's the beauty of it. It's the symmetry. I need to fill up my gut hole and then empty my butthole. Symmetry if you're lucky. Yeah, but if you really think about it, you're just kind of rhyming the same word with itself.

Oh yeah. Gut hole, butthole. Yeah, it's you rhyming hole with hole. Yeah, you know what, that's okay. Any in hole with hole. Yeah, that's it. You know what? That's OK. Any entertainment we can find in here on the inside, I'll take it. Oh, Fufina. Yeah? I come to thee on bended need, seeking thy guidance and assistance.

If you are truly the whispered snake that I have heard so much of, perhaps you could help me and my compatriots escape from this terrible prison. Oh, we don't use the E word around here very often. It's dangerous. Oh, I see. What E word did you say? Escape. Oh, escape.

Yeah, I had to think about it too. I was like, I said prison? I said. Yeah, I was thinking escape started with an S, escape. Oh, I could, you know what? I wish everything started with an s escape. Oh, I could you know what I wish everything started with an s Oh, yeah, that would work out great for you. That would make my life so much easier Be so much easier for you to remember the acronyms about you. Yeah, I know tell me about it. Oh, there's so many I'm kind of the SSS around here. Actually. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know about that

Well, let's take a break. Let's take a break. I'm John Robbins. And joining me on How Do You Coke this week is the journalist, political strategist, author and broadcaster, Alistair Campbell. After I left Downing Street, I had a massive depression, one of the worst I've ever had. And it was probably actually literally a decompression. And so the depression followed. And I started to sort of physically beat myself up. So that's How Do You Cope with me, John Robbins. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. Everyone has that friend who seems kind of perfect.

For Patti, that friend was Desiree. Until one day… I texted her and she was not getting the text. So I went to Instagram and she has no Instagram anymore. And Facebook, no Facebook anymore. Desiree was gone. And there was one person who knew the answer. I am a spiritual person, a magical person, a witch. A gorgeous Brazilian influencer called

Cat Taurus, but who was hiding a secret. From Wondery, based on my smash hit podcast from Brazil, comes a new series, Don't Cross Cat, about a search that led me to a mystery in a Texas suburb. I'm calling to check on the two missing Brazilian girls. Maybe get some undercover crew there. The family are freaking out. They are lost. I'm Chico Felitti. You can listen to Don't Cross Cat on the Wondery app

or wherever you get your podcasts. So, Princess Fufina, is that how you prefer to be addressed? You can call me Foof. Foof? Okay, Foof. I feel like I know you all so well already. Oh, wow. Wow, there's something, you know.

You know, a lot of people are really afraid of me in here. Maybe it's just because of my enormous demeanor and snake-like body, but I'm actually a real big softy. Okay. You, and you seem, I feel like people are just sometimes scared of confidence, but I'm actually a real big softy. Okay. You and you seem, I feel like people are just sometimes scared of confidence and I feel like you have such a strong sense of self, if that makes sense. Thank you. Yeah.

Confident women, people are just scared of us, you know, they're just terrified. So do you mind me asking like, what kind of villainous stuff were you up to right before you ended up in this prison? Oh, you know, murdering, pillaging, that kind of stuff. I just have an appetite for violence. Looting? Oh, looting, yes. I got into some looting, you know, in the later years.

So you're a musician? Yes, I play the lute, yes. As a matter of fact, I have a lute collection on the outside. They confiscated it from me when they put me in here. I was really sad about that. That's terrible. Yeah, so I've been whittling my own loot in my downtime. Hey, hey, hey, we don't need to know what you do with yourself.

Listen, we've all had the urge to whittle our own loot, okay? But some of us have cellmates who stare in the night. Arnie. Gosh, so your cellmate hates music, sounds like. Yes, Arnie is such a... What do I say? Luddite? That's someone who hates music, right? In this world? No. Not at all.

A Luddite. You mean a Fluddite. A Fluddite! Yes. Now I am 350 years old, and I don't whittle my flute nearly as often as I used to. That's alright. You know, maybe you'll get back into it. Sometimes we, you know, we forget about hobbies that we enjoyed in the past.

Hmm. Yes, I suppose so. So it sounds like you want to escape. Yes, very much so. We desperately need to get out of here? We came here to find information about the wizards who have constructed this monstrosity of a prison. But now we have learned all we can learn. Wait, hold on a second. Is that true? Oni-chan, have we learned all we can learn? We can only hold so much information at a time. Well, I mean, have we actually figured anything out about why they're doing this or?

Like life's a journey, life is a learning journey. That's true. I mean, I guess we know the wizards have been putting villains in this prison, you know, partly to keep them from fighting the wizards, but also it seems like they're sucking the power out of everybody for their own gain. Oh, right, right.

And we know where the prison is now, don't we? Do we? I don't know that we do. I mean, we're inside of it. You know what though? Isn't there a prison inside of all of us? Wow. Whoa.

Wow. Just when I thought I learned everything. I know, you just gotta look on the inside. So like, even if you weren't in a prison, wouldn't you kind of still be in a prison? Yeah, I guess that's true of your own making so our Organs are a prison of our skin and then the bile is the prison of the organs Are you a doctor?

I've played one in a In a play I guess like a troop a traveling troop. Yeah, I was in a traveling troop I guess. Like a troop, a traveling troop? Yeah, I was in a traveling troop. We'd put on little skits as my mom would call them. Oh, I love a skit and bit. You all are so entertaining.

Are you really sure you wanna leave? Oh, you've been so wonderfully nice. I feel like. You know, I could make your lives much better in here. I could promote you to snake side henchmen. Oh, we've been working in the kitchen for the last few weeks. The kitchen? Yes, with Calhaxerus, the night, the death night.

Guys, guys, guys, we can't escape now, we just got promoted. Everything's going great. As soon as I sell this tomorrow, Horace, we're gonna be set. I don't want you guys to think like, you know what, we're a family here. I know you guys think you're just prisoners in a prison, but actually no, we're a family and we want everyone to know we care about you. Oh, hmm. Being trapped somewhere and you can't leave,

that is family. This feels like when I was called a rock star last week. This feels really good to know that I'm a family. It's true. I don't know, you're like my little pets. Oh, that feels less good. Your pets are a part of the family, if you think about it. That's true.

They are. Well, I suppose, Chunt, Arnie, are you okay with being pets of Fufina? That is a real ring to a pet of Fufina. Who, hey, who robbed that horse? The pets of Fufina. I would get you all little cute harnesses. Okay.

With your names on them. Little name tags. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Trying to like that. On the back I could put property of Fufina. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Ornie, come on. You get two meals a day.

Two meals a day? And all the belly rubs you want. Oh my god, this is yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So now those two meals a day, are those in addition to the meals that we already get from the prison? No, I would take those. Oh shit.

That makes sense. And so those belly rubs are those in addition to the ones we already get from the prison. Gut hole rubs. Those gut hole rubs. Oh, I wasn't aware you were already getting gut hole rubs. I thought so, I thought that was official were already getting GUT-HOL-RUBS. I thought so. I thought that was official.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Sounds like you're getting contraband GUT-HOL-RUBS. I think that's something Prince Vantus was just doing, honey. Oh, that might be. He's crazy. He's fucking nuts. What are the perks?

What are the... We get a harness. We get belly rubs. Mm-hmm. Yes. I would give you cute little pet names. We like names. I love getting new names.

Okay, all right. I mean, I already know yours, it'll be Guthole. Oh, all right. Oh, that's the best one. Fufina, do you have a nickname for Chunt? Ooh, and I like baked goods. I like baked goods, keep that in mind. You know, I was thinking maybe like Soont.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. It's sort of Arnie and you sort of, soont, if I'm catching you correctly, soont is sort of a sausage and croissant. It's sort of a cord bandone. I have heard of those. It's like a, what are the things that's like a a cruller and a muffin, a cruffin?

Or a cronut? Oh, that's what I was thinking, a crow nut. That is the one thing I missed from the outside. Arnie, do they have crow nuts on earth? I think so. They're literally the nuts of crows. Oh no, we don't have those. But you stand in line for six hours for them.

That's right. I wish I knew more about crows, so I would know, do we have that or not? Some people call them Corvid nuts. Okay. So it's also like a pizza and a car, like a quiza. What did you say? I don't know, I'm just talking.

Arnie, can we add nuts to the Corvid in our logo when we get out of here? Maybe they're already hidden nuts in that logo. Wait a second, are you trying to promote getting nuts? This is Chunt. This is Usador. trying to promote getting nuts. This is Chunt. This is Usador. And we're getting nuts. This is a podcast within a podcast.

Chunt and I talk about our favorite nuts. I like almonds. Don't forget to check your testicles in the shower. Well. That's it, we're done. Does it have to be in the shower? Arnie. All right, I'll send an email. So what I was saying is maybe you should abandon these plans of trying to escape

And just curl up on a blanket on my bunk. Oh, she's wrapping her snake half around the three of us. I feel so enveloped. Yeah, I was gonna say it's warm. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's warm. We don't produce our own heat as snake people. Oh yeah. Can't regulate my body temperature. That's why I need pets like you. Look, I feel like I'm getting sleepy

and I want to do anything you're telling me to do and I keep looking directly into your eyes which seem to be swirling about. But I'm not too worried about it. I think you're all the up and up, but I do have to ask if one of us does something that you find unacceptable, how would you go about punishing us?

You'll have to be disciplined accordingly. Okay, that's a vague answer. Now would you consider devouring one of us whole? Yes. Okay. I consider everything. Okay, whole is good though, right? I would say whole is better than part.

That's true. Yeah. You know, would you rather chomp, chomp, chomp or chomp? I think I'm gonna choose chomp. Single chomp, yeah. Also, as a snake princess, I sort of just devour everything whole, so there's not really any chewing.

Yeah, we would just be digested over a course of, I would say, days, weeks, how long does it take? Oh, sure, probably weeks, depending. Okay, sounds horrific. I pretty much only eat once a week, and I can only really digest food when my body temperature's above a certain degree. Ah. Okay.

And I swear this is the kind of question I've been trying to ask less often, but I gotta be me. How does your poop work then, Arnie? I have a poop hole. Okay, that makes sense. You mentioned it earlier and you were correct. That's right, ask an answer. Actually, it's more of a cloaca.

Oh. Do you know what a cloaca is? Yes. Surprisingly, it comes up often. It comes up more often than you would think on this show. How interesting. Yeah. Well, I famously love birds.

They're delicious, yes. They are delicious. They're also good friends. They also demanded that there be a champion, someone who would come forth into food and protect the forces of good and do righteous deeds on the name of the goddesses So the birds also did that for me. Yeah. Okay. Yeah foos. Can I ask do you have any other current? Minions or pets or buddies or you know, I did but unfortunately I got hungry

So they're no longer with us. Oh no, that's too bad. They're contributing to my kingdom on the inside, as I like to call it. Oh nice. Guys, I'm guessing her friends couldn't stand to watch her eat, so they left and went back to whatever kingdom she's from and started helping, right?

We're all tracking this story, right? I'm confused about the pot where there's a kingdom inside of you, but there's also a prison inside of you. I mean, I guess all tracking this story, right? I'm confused about the pot where there's a kingdom inside of you, but there's also a prison inside of you. I mean, I guess the kingdom has a prison. Well, that's metaphorical. The kingdom in me is literal because I'm literally eating them and they're going inside my body.

Oh, I see. So it's kind of a higher level thinking thing when I'm talking about the prison inside you. I see. How often does the snake princess eat? About once a week. Okay, she said that earlier. Okay.

I mean, it depends on the minions. You know, if I have plenty of minions, it's like I can eat once a week. Less minions, you know, I gotta spread it out. And for a while there, I was doing keto, so I had to be choosy of which minions I was eating. The most protein heavy minions you had? Yes, the most muscular minions.

Right. So no plant-based minions, like a talking flower. No, goodness no. No, I have a lot of respect for plants. I would never eat a plant. That reminds me, guys, when we get to the kitchen, we should put meat back on the menu. Sure. But how would we say it when we get to the kitchen, we should put meat back on the menu. Sure.

But how would we say it when we enter the kitchen? Looks like meat's, looks like meat is getting served up. Something like that. Yeah, something like that. We'll figure it out in the moment. That's catchy. I'm real cute. I'm hung up on this idea that there's a prison inside of me,

and I know it's supposed to be a metaphor, but I think maybe it's just, I think maybe there's literally a prison inside of me, because wizard anatomy is fucking crazy, man. Oh, do you have weird poops? Oh, the weirdest. Is that why you think that there's a prison? I would say there's probably a war raging

inside of you then. Whoa. The stories I could tell you about my poops alone would set your scales ablaze. I keep saying we should do Patreon mini-ser where Ysidor talks about his poops. Give me like a little preview. Sometimes I remember everything I eat. So I eat a lot of strange things and well sometimes that means I defecate and it takes

on a life of its own. Whoa Arnie, I eat a lot of strange things. He does remember everything. Specifics, whoa. Did you want me to list them all out right now, Trunt? Because I can start. Just 72 of them. 72, fine.

That's got to be really interesting for your cellmate. One, an abacus. Two, soup. Thank you for going in alphabetical order. Arnie, I don't know if we've ever said numbers and then the thing, right? It's usually the thing and then the numbers. The numbers? Yeah.

He's really taking charge. He's cutting us out of the whole process. He sure is acting weird. Oh, he's on his last one. And Zebra's face. The face is the best part. Yes, Chunt used to make fox face at a restaurant. He ran in a swamp that sunk into the swamp.

Oh, that's terrible. I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you so much. Did you at least receive a Michelin star? I did. As my restaurant was sinking into the swamp, a shooting beam crossed the night sky, and I squinted in, It was a Michelin star. Those are so rare. Yeah. And they're kind of a gift and a curse, you know?

Yes. A gift because I can say I got a Michelin star, but a curse because people just have to kind of take my word. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And as a prisoner, I'm sure that people think you're unreliable.

Yeah, but at least, you know, I wasn't visited by fucking froders. You know that little kind of hobbit guy, Frodo's? I don't believe I'm acquainted with Frodo's. He goes to every restaurant. It's not a... If you're in Frodo's, if Frodo's visits you, it's not a big deal. Michelin. If a Michelin star crosses the night sky, that's a big deal. Once, you know, maybe once a year, once every two years.

That's fair. Frodo's is an asshole. So you still haven't told me, why are you in this prison? Oh. Well, we came here of our own volition. Yes. When we heard from our friend, Dripfang, La Despare, that,

who were you acquainted with? Oh yes, I remember Dripfang. We were married once. Oh, that's right. Assumed you were related, you're both sort of snakes, I'm sorry. Yeah, it was an unusual pairing. Because normally I'm not attracted to other snake people.

But there was just something about him. Yeah, he's got a certain something, a little. Yeah, Jenna Snake-qua. Jenna Snake-qua. Yes. So he's made up of a bunch of snakes and you're a big snake. Correct. The fact that he's so many snakes, is that kind of like a polyamorous relationship?

You know, it's not because I was actually married to him and his compatriot at the same time. So I'm very open. I wouldn't say it was polyamory. It was more of a throuple. Oh. Is that a po- I guess, you know what though, I guess a throuple is polyamory, but not all polyamory is a throuple. Whoa.

But it sounds like that relation, those relationships, that relationship, those relationships? Yes. I'm not sure how you say it with throuples. It didn't work out. It didn't work out. Everyone thinks it's going to work out. And it's just, it's too much homework. It's too much relationship homework, you know?

Sure. I thought it was going to work out with Jinlevia the Red, the red wizard of nature and nurture, but now she's become an evil warlord like the rest of the wizards, and I'm mad at her. And I thought it was gonna work out with Earwolf, but nothing lasts forever. Oh, I understand.

But you know, love and hate, those emotions are very close. I don't think so. I hate her. And I'll never love her again, no matter what she says or does. I don't care. You know, but love and hate, it's like, if you hate someone, it's like you still care about them a lot. You're wrong. I don't care. Why do you keep saying that? You know, but it's like, the worst thing is not hate, it's indifference. Whoa. Which is all she has hate. It's indifference

Which is all she has shown to me is indifference Oh, that's worse And I just thought of one the opposite of uh war is creation Okay, go off. I learned that from rent Oh, yes, when I pay my rent my landlord. I understand. Okay I know what rent is. Yeah, Chuck, we all know what rent is. When you give coin to someone who owns a domicile. It's a pretty simple concept. Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.

Everyone just pause for a second. It sounds like your landlord was really philosophical. It doesn't sound like it's really clicking. So it's my landlord comes once a month. Your landlord comes? Yeah, once a month. That's not very often. Better than your me at 350. You know those creepy stories that give you goosebumps? The ones that make you really question what's real?

Well what if I told you that some of the strangest, darkest, and most mysterious stories are not found in haunted houses or abandoned forests, but instead in hospital rooms and doctor's offices? Hi, I'm Mr. Ballin, the host of Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries, and each week on my podcast, you can expect to hear stories about bizarre illnesses no one can explain, miraculous recoveries that shouldn't have happened, and cases so baffling they stumped even the best doctors. So if you crave totally true and thoroughly twisted horror stories and mysteries, Mr.

Bolland's Medical Mysteries should be your new go-to weekly show. Listen to Mr. Bolland's Medical Mysteries on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen early and ad-free right now by joining Wondryies on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Spotify or Apple podcasts. In the early hours of December 4th, 2024, CEO Brian Thompson stepped out onto the streets of Midtown Manhattan. This assailant pulls out a weapon and starts firing at him.

We're talking about the CEO of the biggest private health insurance corporation in the world. And the suspect. He has been identified as Luigi Nicholas Mangione. Became one of the most divisive figures in modern criminal history. I was targeted, premeditated, and meant to sow terror. I'm Jesse Weber, host Luigi produced by law and crime and

twist this is more than a true crime investigation we explore a uniquely American moment that could change the country forever. The people to a true issue. I mean maybe this would be rich and powerful people to acknowledge the barbaric nature of our healthcare system Listen to law and crimes Luigi exclusively on wonder E plus you can join wonder E plus in the wonder E app Spotify or Apple podcasts All right, all right John explain to me one more time so you give people money and then they stay at your house

Yes, so you know how? Yes, that's correct. Maybe song is best to describe rent? Song? I can't imagine anyone singing about such a boring thing. 500 gold coin is what I pay. Everyone's not really paying attention. I don't understand what he doesn't think we're understanding.

In gold coin, in gold coin, in gold coin, in gold. That's how I pay my rent. Sorry, I said it four times. That was probably too many times. This is like the time he tried to explain the concept of cats to us. Yeah, that was a little more scatterbrained. Hold on. Did you say cats? I despise cats. Oh, I figured you'd like to eat a cat. I figured you'd swallow it. Oh, absolutely. They think that they sound like me with all their hissing, but they're wrong.

Oh, I never thought about that. Yeah, a snake goes hiss, but cats can also go hiss. Supposedly they do that because of snakes. Everyone says that we're their biggest enemy. It's a lot of propaganda. Yeah, that is propaganda. They're stealing it from you. That's not right. Let's... It's true. Hey, look, actually down the hall there, there seems to be a prisoner that's a cat. Let's go... Should we go do something?

Let's go check it out. Let's go check it out. But let's make sure it's not Kornkob the Calico, the cat wizard that roared in all this prison. Oh, well. It was a cat. Oh, okay, just a cat. Well, hold on, you stole that from cats. I don't know which came first,

the snake with the hairball or the cat with the hairball. I assume the cats came first. Oh the cat. And then the goddesses saw the cat and they thought what if that cat didn't have any hair and it had no legs and then it had scales. Wait are you saying that cats and snakes have a common ancestor? I think the goddesses created every creature here, the three goddesses that we all worship. Of course.

Although I don't know your religious beliefs, perhaps you believe something else. You know what, I respect everyone's religious beliefs. That's another myth about me. Everybody keeps spreading these rumors that I'm intolerant. Why do you think they keep spreading those rumors? I don't know. I don't like it. I'm very tolerant of all different religions,

species, peoples, magic abilities. It sounds like there's a concerted and predetermined plan to smear your good name, Fufina. A conspiracy. A conspiracy. predetermined plan to smear your good name, Fufina. A conspiracy. A conspiracy. A conspiracy. Conspiracy. Conspiracy.

And as your favorite pet, I shall route out this conspiracy and find out who wishes to speak ill of you. Wait a minute. Ari didn't say conspiracy. Oh, sorry, conspiracy. Okay, he checks out, nevermind. I appreciate you. Wait a minute. Arnie didn't say conspiracy. Oh sorry, conspiracy. Okay, he checks out, nevermind. I appreciate that.

Your Majesty, do you have any suspects that we should first go and find? I think everyone is a suspect. Oh, Arnie, Trent, I accuse you. Wait, both of us? I think you've been spreading rumors about Foofina trying to make her seem intolerant and cruel. I'd eat you, but I just had a meal.

I mean, I do like to talk shit in general, but I just met Foofina. Who doesn't? You know what I mean, girlfriend? It's so fun. Like, hey, hold on just a second. Chet, Ysidor, I need to talk to Foofs for just a second. All right, well, I a little accusing you of something

but I'll walk away. Foofs, these other two fucking suck. Uh oh, that's not good. Arnie, should I walk away too? Oh shit, I'm sorry. Oh no, oh no, nothing worse than being caught. Nothing, ooh, that's bracing. You're talking about them like you hate them but but your friends with them aren't you? I am I love them dearly

I love them more than I was anybody in this prison That's interesting because you know you're only as good as the friends you keep oh shit Your friends suck, Artie! But you know what? You have each other, so you can all suck together. Okay. Okay. You can all suck each other, you know?

Yeah, well. Should I stay over here? It's on the table. You know, everything's on the table in prison. It's just a free for all in here. All right. Are we being mean to Ysidor? Should we let him come back and accuse us?

And try to get us killed Mmm. Yeah, he looks sad. Come on buddy. Come back over he can accuse you but like I said I'm not gonna eat you because I just ate But I'll keep you around maybe next week guys. Remember in one week run set your calendars Guys remember in one week run set your calendars So you're saying like near the end of next week's episode. We should remember to run. Yeah, I might just show up We also have to remember to remind that guy to take out his trash. So take out the trash episode run Jason, huh? I'm Chunt

My name is Chunt is this another prisoner that you're talking about? Oh, I don't know. Or someone on the outside? Just someone imprisoned by the weekly task of having to remember to take the garbage out. Oh yeah, what a bummer. I know. Reminds me of- Don't have to do that here. We don't do that in Spartania either.

Everything is compostable. Oh. Yes, they live in accordance with the rules of the jungle. They live a life where they're intertwined with the natural surroundings that they find themselves in. Yes. They're buildings and...

You know quite a bit about us. Oh, yes. For someone who's not a snake person. I am a great wizard who has traveled all over Foon, and I know of all the creatures, great and small, who inhabit it. Oh, but speaking of creatures, do any of you have anyone on the outside that's missing you right now? Who wants to go through the list of guests starting in episode one? I guess episode one is the three of us. That's just the three of us.

Then we had Tom the Traveler. He's mad at us right now for sure. Flower, Larry Birdman.. He's mad at us right now for sure. Flower, Larry Birdman. Flower's probably mad at us. Larry Birdman's probably not mad at us. He might miss us, but he probably isn't thinking about us. He's probably indifferent, which is the worst one, right? Yeah, we do.

We learned that from Fufina. What about Sweet's little Momo? She probably misses us. She's probably busy doing her spininoff in the tavern. All right. So many spinoffs. I think what I meant was like spawn. Do you have any little spawn running around? Oh.

Little, you know, spawn babies? Well, I did have a sidekick many years ago called Kid Usador. We just recently realized like, we don't know what the hell happened to him. Arnie, your eyes lit up when she said baby spawn. You wrote it down and said email comic books? Yes I was like get this to Todd McFarlane. One time I cut my fingers and they turned into little usadors.

You know I've laid many an egg in my day. Oh. But I don't miss any of them. They grew up so fast. Oh so your mother as well is a princess. Yes. I had no idea. Do you ever see any of your children? No.

You know, I ate a few of them when they were born just because I didn't feel like they were gonna make it. Yeah, sure. Wait, hold on. I was only half paying attention, so apologies if I misunderstood this part. You said your mother is a princess? Your mother wasn't a queen are you talking to me yeah no I said I had I have had laid an egg in my day oh I see I thought you

said that your mother was a princess I don't know maybe I mean one time yes weren't all queens princesses your mother was a princess, became the queen, had you, you became the princess. Yes, correct. Thank you for knowing the royal hierarchy. Okay, fine. Eat me first. You have to wait a week. I'll put you on the list. Ooh, Arnie's on the list. Arnie, that could also be a t-shirt.

Eat me first. Okay, against my better judgment, I'm going to update my t-shirt in the T-Public store to say, eat me first. No one's gonna buy it, but if you do buy it, take a picture, it'll last longer. Send it to your senator. If past is prologue, I think six people will buy it. Okay, this is about right, on par.

So that will be updated in the T-Public store. We don't have to update any of the other shirts, but do either of you wanna update? Yeah, I want one that says, oh boy, what did I say? Ask me about my buttholes. Okay. Ass, oh ass, A-S-S? I think so.

Okay. Foofina, do you want a shirt in the store? Oh, I don't wear clothing. Oh, oh my gosh, you know what? I start to look up when he said keep looking up. I stopped right at your navel. I just looked up further. Gagagagoi.

Eyes down here. Oh, sorry, let me put them back down, okay. But your eyes are down where? Just down. Princess, I had a question. It's a little embarrassing, because if I'm wrong, I feel pretty stupid, but is it true that you're kind?

When you coil yourself around someone that person has to tell the truth. Yes That's not a myth Whoa, that's true. Do you want to try it out? Uh, yeah, can you wrap around arnie? Yeah wrap up arnie. I'm usually pretty honest, but sure Oh chun- what should we ask him now? Oh, should we see, like, if he's really bad at math, like, ask him 2 plus 2 and see if he's been lying this whole time? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I so hope I'm not forced to accidentally admit I think these guys fucking suck.

Okay, Arnie, it's time to face some truths. You know, Ysidor and I have been two of your closest, quote-unquote, friends. But what's two plus two? Is there a prison inside of you? The answer is the same for both. I don't know.

Checks out. All right, that can't be a lie. Thank you, Fufina. No problem. Well, I don't know that, Fufina, if you're going to be able to help us escape, but you certainly can give us some succor while we are here and some peace of mind as we act as thine pets and curl around you to give your body the warmth that we no longer need and shed it off onto thee.

Oh, good. And I'll also send you on some dastardly deeds about the prison to keep you busy. Oh! Oh! Looks nice to have projects. Sure. Little side quests. Little side quests.

What sort of dastardly deeds? I'm not really... Oh, you know, stealing people's toothbrushes and... Oh! ...these small things that they think that they misplaced somewhere and, you know, just gaslighting them about it. That's despicable. I shall never commit such an evil deed. Wait Arnie isn't this the exact plot to what you called the Borrowers?

Yes. You said it was like an Earth family or something? Mm-hmm. I think that's definitely seen. That sounds super... Uh, Felfina, we'll absolutely complete your little quest as your pets. Do you think they could probably last 35 to 40 minutes for like spinoff material? I don't understand what you mean.

He just wants to know if these quests have enough meat on the bone for us to do a whole episode about them. I see what you're saying. Yeah, I mean, it's up to you. You know what, I give you the freedom to decide how long you gaslight and how long you pillage. That's what I do for my minions. I am not just your boss, I'm your friend.

Oh. That's nice. That's right. We're a family here, remember? Oh yeah. Yeah. It's not just maximum security prison, it's a family. I can't wait until it's my turn to be devoured by Fufina. I just keep staring into her eyes as they spin around

and I feel like I want to do whatever she tells me to do. Yeah, I feel really good about Fufina and I just saw the contract she has for our little side quests. If we collect 100 toothbrushes, we get paid one tenth of one toothbrush. Yeah, and if you tell your friends, then you know, you can be a boss.

Oh wow. Like if you get other people under you to do side quests. Now hang on. Last week we got suckered into a deal. Why are there so many MLMs in this prison? I'm trying to offload these socks and this tomorrow horse, it's tomorrow's horse today. I can't move any of this shit.

So it sounds like you don't wanna be your own boss. Ah, son of a bitch. Don't you wanna be free from constraints? I'd love to be free from constraints. The shackles of established capitalism. Oh no, I thought we were in a prison for villains, but it's worse than I thought. Are we in a prison for entrepreneurs?

I mean, aren't those the biggest villains? Kind of. Wow. Hot take. Fufina, would you mind, is it okay if, I know I'm your minion now, is it alright if we answer an email? Yes, please. Alright, listeners, you can email us at magictavern at puppies.supplies, it's a real email address,

or even better, you can join the Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern, you get so much great bonus content, and you can also email us directly there. Here's an email we received recently. Hello, Arnie, Chunt, Usador and Guest. For quite a while I've been using one of Usador's names as a pet name for my spouse. At least it used to be the one of his names until he let an inventory imp eat it on a recent episode. So while none of you remember it, my partner is now the only one with that name.

Ysidor always says, names have power. So I was wondering what this means for her. Am I married to a blue wizard now? If she's going to inherit magical powers, some pointers from Ysidor would be appreciated. Thank you and keep up the good work, your boon companion, Buff E. Stott, they them. Southern Wisconsin. Nice try, but you're not taking my powers that easily. Get over yourself. I don't know what name you're talking about, but I find this highly suspect that I err would have given up one of my closely held

titles. They also seemingly wanted your fingers. Give me a few pointers. Oh disgusting. Yeah I'm not gonna go into all the emails we have people asking for your fingers. I mean I have all my favorite names and still Soda Poppin Daddy, Solomondor Pondu, Mr. Yuagi, Stinkle Fe stinkle feather wizard beard these can't be right your hun Sebastian Bacharach Papa mache peepee poo Lucy UC Dale sprinkle sleeves okay Robin Evans Anthony Don Walker this makes me think you did giveaway some your names cuz these ones suck

now to what others names you gave me yourself leverly be ang, that was pretty good. That was pretty good. I remember the inventory, Imp. I just can't remember the name. It's as if it's been erased from my mind. If this is true, which I am highly doubtful about, I wish you'd just taken Bagelme Fingies. Foofina, obviously you're royalty, you're a princess, but if you, not that you ever would be, if you were someone else's pet,

do you have a pet name that you would like to be called? Junkle Skunk. You had that so ready. Wow, yeah, teed up and everything. I was called that for a while. Oh. When I was younger. Junkle Skunk, I like that a lot. A lost love perhaps? Yes. I don't like to go into it because I don't like having feelings

She probably ate she probably ate him yeah them yeah I don't even remember what their pronouns were so long ago. Yeah, you ate the bones I think it's safe to say you ate the bones. I think, I mean, I don't discriminate, you know, I just. One big chomp. One big chomp. One big chomp. Speaking of one big chomp, Arnie, any other emails?

Yeah, thousands that I haven't responded to. I actually have another email if you'd like to hear it. No, please. This comes from our direct messages on Patreon. It says, hey, our knee is spelled O-U-R-K space K-N-E-E. I'm just curious to know if you've ever actually seen New Sodor manipulate any magical delights. No.

I do happen to have a couple of magical delights that I would love to have manipulated if he is available, thanks. And that was from Jason. Mm. Jason, this is the same Jason who we need to remind about his garbage every week. There can only be one.

Wait, what? It's such an unusual name. Why is this guy getting so much air time? I don't know, and again, like I said, we get so many messages, people begging for your fingers. Wait a minute, Arnie, answer the question. Have you ever seen usador perform a magical delight? No, but Fufina wrap around him I have seen him perform a couple afternoon delights on accident when I walked in on him. Okay, that was the true part. Oh Okay

Dare you say you've never seen me manipulate magical lights. All I do is wonderful magic. Oh, he kind of took out scissors, cut a folded piece of paper, and then opened the paper, and it was like a bunch of children holding hands. Like a snowflake. He cut it very fast, though. That is impressive. Super fast.

Oh, wait, don't yank that tablecloth. Oh, he yanked that tablecloth and all the silverware. Everything just shattered. Shattered everywhere. We spent so much time. That was not much time setting up this elaborate dinner service in the cell. Let me try it on the table next to it. Let me try the other table. Oh no.

And... Oh, this time the tablecloth shattered. Oh yeah. Fuck. This is brittle, very brittle. Yeah, unexpected. There goes that fancy restaurant we were trying to set up in our prison cell. Son of a bitch!

Maybe the fancy restaurant was the friends we made along the- no, it's been ten years. The friends we made along the way no, it's been ten years. The friends we made along the way are long gone. I envy them. I thought this was over but apparently we're updating the shirts in the tea public store again. Between this and my consulting on picking a new pope, change is in the air. Now the Arnie shirt reads, eat me first. The Chunt shirt reads, Ask me about my buttholes. Both shirts, along with other less horrible Magic Tavern shirts, are currently available in the Tee Public Store. Go on, buy one, I dare you.

Link in the show notes. Use It All the Wizard was brought to life by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was fully and artfully realized by Adol Rifai. Foofina the Snake Princess was played by special guest, Sejil Joshi. Sejil teaches improv at the Annoyance Theater in Chicago and performs with the Improvise Shakespeare Company. And don't ask how I know this,

but once while on tour with the Second City National Touring Company, Sejil was the only one to follow the script while her castmates cowered in the shadows. And the end result was Sejil shouting, the only one to follow the script, while her castmates cowered in the shadows, and the end result was Sejal shouting CHOOSE to a room full of confused Long Island theater goers. Let it never be said that Sejal Joshi doesn't know how to commit.

To learn more about Princess Fufina and her romantic dalliances with Dripfang and the Baron, check out her appearances on the Magic Tavern spinoff Masters of Mayhem, available on the Magic Tavern spin-off, Masters of Mayhem, available on the Magic Tavern Patreon. Please note, Masters of Mayhem, not entertainment. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. And if you sign up directly on the website instead of the apple patreon app you can avoid any extra apple fees. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young and Adol Rifai. Post production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Speaking of Garrett, with the third

season of the Wheel of Time television series concluding, so has his unofficial, unsanctioned, unbelievable reaction podcast. Garrett and super friends Adam and Faye deliver deserved praise and fair justice on a property that they, and a bunch of the internet, have strong feelings about. Listen to the Wheel of Time show about the Wheel of Time show wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, I get it, a wheel that revolves, similar to how I have to keep talking about this over and over again. All episodes available now. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Lamont Jones's world is shattered when his cousin dies in custody just weeks after entering prison. The official report says natural causes but bruises and missing teeth tell a different story.

From Wondery comes Death County PA, a chilling true story of corruption and cover-ups that begins as one man's search for answers, but soon reveals a disturbing pattern. Lamont's cousin's death is just one of many, and powerful forces are working to keep the truth buried. With never-before-heard interviews and shocking revelations, Death County PA pulls back the curtain on one of America's darkest institutional secrets. This isn't just another true crime story. It's happening right now. Follow Death County PA on the Wondery app

or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Death County PA early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus.