Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 56 - Prison Soulwalker (w/ Ross Bryant)

Episode Date: May 19, 2025

There's more than one Soulwalker trapped in this prison and they all want to kill Arnie.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCrispin Versenjettericks Walker: Ross BryantMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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As the audience made their way out of the arena, a man named Salman Abedi detonated a bomb in the lobby of the venue. And I'm thinking, why isn't he talking about Safi? And I just know. I said, she's gone, hasn't she? And he said, yeah. So that's How Do You Cope with me, Jon Robbins. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real and that's what you should be focused on.

Not the fact that they don't ask me to do the promotional ads anymore. Think about the fake, fictional podcast you're about to enjoy. Not about how I guess no one wants the framing device to gush about mattresses or mail order ferrets or whatever we're peddling this week. Did the framing device anger someone, you shouldn't wonder? Or were they too good at this? Were people afraid? Afraid of one hero overshadowing the rest of a show that is kinda shadowy to begin with? Regardless, put those thoughts aside. I certainly have. Knowing that someday, various services and products can be described with the kind of vocal

finesse that has Juilliard saying, Keep calling, we promise you're still on the wait list. Now, sit back podcast from the magical land of Foon. Now in our 11th year. Now in prison. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Ten years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional

rift and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the topless tower, a maximum security prison for villains run by wizards in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my co-host, Trent the Talking Badger. Bing bong. Arnie, I have amazing news. Sure, what is it? You remember last week I was talking to you

about the conjugal visit room, the sort of cave where one of the guards will like create these visages that will then have sex with each other and you can watch. Turns out that wasn't the conjugal visit room, that was the conjur-cal visit room. Oh the conjur-cal visit room, yeah. Yes. Rolls off the tongue. That's the slogan of the conjur-cal visit room, right? You really have to slow down to say it. Conjur-cal. Conjur-cal visit room, right? You really have to slow down to say it. Conjugal. Conjugal visit room.

But Arnie, that means I found the actual conjugal visit room. Mm-hmm. Where one of the guards will create a replication of yourself, and then they leave the room, and you can go at it. But you can only fuck yourself?

Mm-hmm, But it was amazing. Arnie, you simply must try. You simply must. I simply must? You simply must. I'll think about it. Arnie, the clone knows everything you like. Because they're you.

That's a problem. I don't know what I like. Although I don't know what they do with that clone afterwards. Hopefully sort of melt it down or something. Chunt, can I say something? Mm-hmm, yeah, of course. I think you could do better. Oh, well thanks buddy. Wait a minute, this is sort of a... Also Chunt, I hope this isn't like a freaky thing to think about, but

are you sure you're the Chunt that went in there and not the clone? Well, okay, let's see. We started off 69ing, of course. Then we went into a 180. We pressed butt holes together. Then I slipped under, he went over. Then I went over, he went under. Back, forth, side, side, under the nutshells. Follow the queen, follow the queen, follow the queen. Did you do a 138, the double 69?

Oh, we did do a 138, double 69, very hard to pull off. Let's see. Arnie, I'd say I'm 68% sure that I'm on the chunk that walked in there. Almost, nice. Mm-hmm, you snore, have you been? Did you go? Have you been?

Oh no, I would ne'er. I personally find that I must stay chaste in order to fully commit myself to my quest to defeat evil in all its forms. But you've never been chaste. I feel like the 10 years I've known you. I'm trying it out just because I'm not getting a lot of action so now I'm gonna tell people

I'm being chaste. You know, some paladin shit I'm trying out. You sort of the blue balls. Am I right Arnie? Punch it in. Arnie, punch it in. Alladin shit I'm trying out. Ysador the Blue Balls? Am I right, Arnie? Punch it in. Arnie, punch it in. Alright, I'm punching it in. Yes!

Anyway, I'm joined by my other co-host, Ysador the Wizard. I am Ysador, wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ophesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Troccus. The elves know me as Fianyelk, the dwarves know me as Zonad and Hoax Stengis, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maastar, and no one was more surprised than me to not want to do a standing ovation. You two were very skeptical, and I'm like, no, we can just pretend like we're doing a standing ovation and then we'll all escape.

But then I was like, I just didn't feel it. Yeah. It was, look, and let's be clear. Last week, Benedict Whisperbrew's one-man play, or one-bird play, was good. It wasn't bad. Hector hums the hits. Hector hums the hits.

And part of his plan for escape meant we needed to give him a standing ovation. And we just couldn't get there. Couldn't bring myself to it. So just had to like, I clapped. I clapped loud. Yeah. But then I think Benedict escaped or died in that tunnel.

Who knows? I think he died in there. You think he died in there? I sort of think he died in there. I don't have any proof. So if seven or eight years from now, if we have him back on, he's not dead, then that's why. That's how we'll know.

Yeah. I thought he was great in the first act. I thought it was sort of diminishing returns. I gave him a squatting ovation just because I wanted to, you know, let my physicality represent how I felt about it. Yeah. But he's very talented. He's very talented.

Oh, absolutely. I mean, I did a kind of woo. And if I'm being honest, even that felt like a stretch. A little bit like a stretch. Oh, I was horribly embarrassed. I was mortified. Arnie, woo, uh, woo! Is maybe something you do at a mittens game if you're blackout drunk,

but at the theater. Arnie, at the theater? How do you show your appreciation short of a standing ovation? Mmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Sort of that. Oh, I see. Yeah, it's sort of like a quiet, oh, sort of appreciative.

The one exception to that is, if someone gives a particularly good soliloquy, you can go, that's a spicy meatball. But it has to be a particularly good soliloquy. Particularly good. You sir, keep following me. Okay. This is the sort of corridor

where I found the comfortable visit room, somewhere around here. This is good though. Maybe if we can create some duplicates of ourselves not to have sex with but to help us escape, maybe we've gotta get out of here. I feel like we've done that storyline already. Literally that's how we escaped prison the last time.

Really? Okay. Like exactly that's how we escaped prison last time. Are you sure? Ar Like exactly that's how we escaped for the last time. Are you sure? Arnie that doesn't sound right. I swear I swear last time we made copies of ourself. That is a hundred percent how we escaped for the last time. Hey if it ain't broke. I would have trust you but I told myself I would never trust a woo guy. And Arnie buddy you are a woo guy. You're a woo guy. A woo guy. Oh wait maybe this, hold on. Maybe this guy knows where the, excuse me, do you know where the conjugal visit room

is? Ooh, maybe I caught him in the middle of a, oops. It's so cold in here all of a sudden. It's so cold in here. Whale, whale, whale. What the fuck? Who's that tugging on my duster sleeve? I would know that sound of jangling spurs anywhere.

Why are there so many tumbleweeds in here all of a sudden? As I live and breathe. It's the Soul Walker from the cowboy world. It's, what was his name again? Soul Walker, Hexis Ranger. Oh, at your dang old service. again? name a chunt, you see nor the blue in my quarry his self, Arnie Kneecap. That's right. What brings y'all down to the hall of conjure-goal visit caves?

He said it so much better than I did. It's sort of easier to say with a drawl, I think. Must be nice. Now listen to me, foul spirit. Know this, if you raise one finger against mine good friend Arnold kneecap I shall most certainly fight thee to the death caring not if I am exposed here as a wizard in this Prisoner villainy use it or calm down all he did was ask us a question. What are we doing? Oh, sorry, we came we came down here to fuck ourselves

It's just the sort of sick preversion that I would expect from the likes of you. Yeah. Whoa whoa whoa, hold on! The last time we met you, weren't you determined to do exactly what we have just claimed we were going to do?

Yeah, wait a minute. What a hypocrite. What are you talking about? Y'all are talking about going to these conjugal visit caves, making perfect replicas of yourselves, and having relations. Whereas I, if memory serves, jump to different planes of reality, where I seek out my sort of analogous self on that plane, and then have moments of pure ecstatic intimacy

with those doubles, not clones, but alternate reality versions of myself. As someone from another world, I've gotta say, I do see the distinction. I'm sorry, guys, I'm sorry to disagree with you. It's a fair point, I cop to it all. As Arnie has said before, ours goes dun dun dun dun dun dun dun and his goes dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. It's all together different. Totally different. So stop, collaborate, and listen to what I'm saying here and

putting down. Look, it's completely different to have intimacies with an extra planer self than it is to have relations with a clone of yourself. I mean, that's just sick and twisted. Come on now. Not to mention if I were to do such a thing, being as there are so many of us here, if there were to be doubles upon the legions of us that are currently occupying the topless tower, I don't know if the threads of reality could hold. Oh, you are a legion? We are legion for we are many.

Not only because, not to get too deep into my own lore, but I am full. We leave a lot of space here for people getting deep in their own lore. We like that. I've seen you get pretty fucking deep in your lore, if you know what I mean. Yeah, well let me just get elbow deep in my lore here. Yeah, that I'm full of the souls that I have claimed. Damned and horrific souls that have sworn frontier death pacts and the cowboy worked and wound up inside

the shambling husk that is myself. I contain multitudes, so if I was to clone myself, hoo hoo doggies. Oh. Hey, sorry, I just want to say, hey Arnie, Ysodar? Yeah? Yeah. Am I crazy? Yes.

Well, thank you. Or do I want to buy like a book of poetry by a Soulwalker Hexus Ranger, right? Sounds, that would be very good, yeah. Just a way, he just has a way with words. He is very poetic. Yeah, shambling husk. Uh, Soulwalker Hexus Ranger, do you, do you write? One finds time for a lot of hobbies when you're locked away in the jug as I am now.

Finding myself in the clink, one has to find ways of occupying your hours even if you are a deathless, deathless homunculus as I am. So yeah, I'll put pen to paper every now and then and pin a few homespun verses. Oh, what got you in here? What got me in here was breaking the laws of extraplanar judiciary. I suppose the wizards what run this little bailiwick didn't so much cotton to an extraplanar entity such as myself and my soul- soul walking kin in your neck of the woods And so they done thrown us in here

but it's good to be here in numbers because the most important thing when you find yourself incarcerated as we are now is to run with a an organization a gang of desperadoes if you will and we Soulwalkers is sticking together. So not sure if I'm following you completely. It's a little difficult because now as I understand it, you find my backstory unwieldy and complicated. He's his own prison gang. What are you not following? It's quite simple really.

Are you saying that you yourself, because you are a collection of souls within you of all that you have died, that's your gang, or you have a gang outside of yourself. Yes, I understand that this is all quite hard to parse as we are technically an entity comprised of many discrete souls. So I am a gang of one as twer. But yes, there are other walkers, other walkers of, combined to stalt entities of deathless spirit from

other planes of existence that have found their way to Thune. And all of them are currently locked up in the dang old topless tower as well. Well I think honestly, it's the first thing that's made sense here to me. Though I find myself at odds with the wizards on most topics these days. Yeah, how do you come to find yourself locked up in here, you bearded blue bastard? Oh, well... Ain't these wizards kinfolkier? Well, they were, but then I committed an act which caused them all to become mortal. It turns out stripping them of their immortality has, well, to be perfectly blunt about it, raised their ire and now they seek my destruction as much as they seek yours.

But I am not an evil entity as yourself. Evil? Well, evil is as evil does, I suppose. I am beyond good and evil, beyond the petty cares of morality I follow. That's something an evil person would say, right? Really? Like I'm beyond morality? That seems like an evil person thing. Look, maybe to you there might be some just transcendent form of good. Maybe when you go into the Conjugal Cave and you see the pornographic shadow plays on the wall, that's simply an emblem of how if you turned around you could see an actual erotic act taking place behind you. This allegory of the Conj cave, you see, might might leave

one to believe that there is a transcendent realm where concepts such as good, evil, and such like dwell outside of tactile experience. But I don't believe in such stuff. Oh, well, the metaphysics of this episode have begun to make my brain swirl. Well, let me bring things down to brass tacks. All right Arnie knee camp, that's me. You're right here and I find myself locked up Seems to me there's only one way that I can fix myself up out of this here food And that's if I do what I don't come here for and that's calling you out Plugging you and sending you back to your maker.

You sir, I just want to apologize earlier when I was like, Hey, he's just asking a question. I'm sorry, he's... he definitely wants to kill Lordy. Yeah, I figured as much. Uh, so he does. And so do we all. Oh, what's this? Another soul hawker? Yes, forget... let me just park my penny-farthing bicycle.

Yes, hello. Hello. Ah, knee-knee-kamp. I look so stupid with the big wheel and the small wheel. It's not so stupid at all. It's the most perfect and well-designed way to get around terrestrially. If you want to go through the air, I prefer the zeppelin. Yes, hello. Ah, knee-knee-kamp. If you want to go through the air, I prefer the zeppelin. Yes, hello, Ah-nee-nee-camp. Perhaps you'll remember me?

I am, of course, the peripatetic spirit. Yeah, this fella right here is the soul walker what comes from the steampunk world. Put your philosophy aside, friend, and tell me your purpose here. If you'll allow me to remove my goggles covered with gears and cogs. So many gears and cogs. Makes no sense.

They're not turning. What do they even do? They're just on there. Oh, everyone's a critic, apparently. They all serve a purpose. All these cogs and flywheels on my flat cap and my goggles and my cravat are all keeping the souls tenderly within my corpus. Yes, I've already killed the Arni-ni-ni-camptain, my reality. But if we kill you, then perhaps all of us will go back from whence we came,

wafting back to our homeworlds as if on jets of wonderful steam. Sorry, I just thought about a steampunk Arnie. Yes, imagine the saddest Charles Dickens character you can imagine. Just chugging along. Well then, friend, know this. You face Yusodor the Blue and I shall protect Arnie to the fiercest end. Do you really think you've got what it takes to do that, Netrunner? What?

Oh, behind you. These are behind you. I might just be a hologram, but I'm more than enough of a match for you. Another Soulwalker, but a hologram Soulwalker? I am a Soulwalker, but the O in Soulwalker is a zero and the E is a three. Oh, no. Oh no. No. That's right. You must be a pretty keen console cowboy here in Foon.

But I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire. I'm sure you've seen plenty of things too on an Ecamp. But all those moments will be lost like tears in rain when I'm done with you feels like he improvised that was that right off the top of the dome I guess I you've you've got to hack this guy use your computer and I got a hack him yeah you have to hack him that's a thing you that's a you thing I've got a soul hack him don't even try jacking into my mainframe

flesh bag whoa whoa nobody's gonna check your frame or whatever the That's a you thing. I've got to salt hack him? Don't even try jacking into my mainframe, fleshbag. Whoa, whoa, whoa, nobody's gonna jack your frame or whatever. The conjugal visit room's over there, buddy. Well, alright, look. If there's one thing I know about soul walkers, they're dangerous. If there's two things I know about soul walkers, they won't kill you during a break. We'll be right back. So folks, you might have noticed the weather's changing out there. The sun appears to be out. The days are longer. This is in the northern

atmosphere of course, and it's got me excited for road trips, days out exploring and long walks to castles on windswept crags. And if you're looking forward to all that too, I've got the perfect companion podcast to join you on your adventures this summer. I'm Dan Snow, host of the Dan Snow's History Hit podcast, where I whisk you away into the greatest stories in history. Join me on the high seas as we follow the swashbuckly

escapades of Francis Drake on the Spanish main. We unravel the myths of the Spartans at the Battle of Thermopylae. I'll tell you everything you need to know about how the American Revolution started and what it would have taken for you to survive the Black Death in medieval Europe. Rackets, luck. This is the podcast you need if you seek to escape into history. And we can all use a little escape at the moment. Check out Dan Snow's history here. Wherever you get your podcasts. Check out Dan Snow's history wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, I'm Cassie DePeckel, the host of Wanderer's podcast Against the Odds. In each episode, we share thrilling true stories of survival, putting you in the shoes of the people who live to tell the tale. In our next season, it's February 14th, 1979. Elmo Wortmann and his three children are stranded on a remote Alaskan island after a massive storm destroys their sailboat. Miles from help, they have to face the brutal cold with barely any food, only a sail for shelter and a leaky plastic dinghy. Desperate to survive, they build a raft and try to reach safety. But as starvation and frostbite take hold, and days stretch into weeks, their

endurance is pushed to the limit. Follow Against the Odds wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. You start. Chunt. We are surrounded by soul walkers from different dimensions. All of them want to kill me. Arnie, it's more dangerous than that even. They have killed you. They've killed you on their own world and then they've traveled to other worlds

to find other versions of you. They're finishing the job. You are the most important person in the entire universe. Of course, that makes sense. Arnie, right? Oh, gee. I mean, that makes sense. Artie, right? Oh, jeez. I mean, Chuck, back me up here. That sounds right, doesn't it?

Oh, I already regret saying it. I would say, and I want your guys in, but I would say like blade to my neck. Maybe my favorite is Sowaka. It's like the little kid Sowaka. Like it's, I don't know if he's family-friendly. I haven't heard him curse or anything That's true. We haven't given enough time to soul walker. We should we should interview soul walker Chant that's why you laid your neck and so walker. How's the blade to your neck right now?

Now a soul walker it tell me explain to me again from what world you came from. I'm from the children's entertainment dimension. It's like where there's a kid version of everyone else. Yeah, everyone in my dimension is sort of chibi style. That sounds pretty great actually. Yeah, it does actually. I'm sorry, Arnie, but we have to destroy you. It's the only way we can get back to our various whole worlds.

But at least if I do it, I'll do it with the power of friendship. Boy this knife. Oh. Well here's the thing I don't understand. How is killing me gonna get you back to your worlds? You are all displaced from your own world. You've all killed the me's from your world.

What is killing me again gonna do for you? Does only one of them get to do it, or do they all get to disappear? Yeah, that's a good question. Whoever done does the job finds himself slung back through the portal that opens the deed once finished, going back from whence they come. But if all of us kill you together, sort of some terrible melee, where we can all in a way take credit for snuffing out the embryo or life on an E camp, then maybe, just maybe, we can find ourselves sent back to our various home dimensions.

At least that's the theory that I'm cooking up on the fly here. So you're all going to collectively murder on the Ori and express me, like all kill me at the same time and hope that it flings you all back home? Yes, that's right. As if on the Orient Express, a beautiful steam powered train. Why are there gears on your shoelaces? It doesn't make sense. They serve a purpose, Yusitor. What? What is the purpose? Keeping the shoelaces up? It keeps them up

Also, if you're using so much steam, why do you wear leather that makes no sense when the leather get ruined? I'm not going to lie. It does shrink quite a bit We could tell like your pants are not long enough They were they were when I first made them over the years and their exposure to steam They've turned into sort of Capri pens. But I find that very few people look that far down on my body. They're mostly just distracted by my enormous hangable bar mustache. Aw, couple of gears in there as well.

He's also got sort of like, I guess like a mechanical dog sidekick or something. I hate that thing. Whatever it is, I hate it. I hate that thing. Whatever it is, I hate it. It's probably got some dumb name that's like, I don't know, not sparky, but something dub. Yes, Chuncey. What? That's a chunce? This is Chuncey, my steam-powered cog-dog. Damn it, I already said I hate the name, probably. Shit. I mean, for once, I agree with you.

Yes, I have to feed him a bowl of coal every day to keep him running. I'll give you two guesses to where the steam comes out of. Buttholes. Yes, yes, yes. Two buttholes, probably. Yes, just so. That brings us to the next endpoint. Now, various soul walkers, have you encountered many other chunts and usadors on your worlds?

That's right, you blue flesh bag. There's an analogous usador and chunks in every version of reality. Wow. Chunk, can you imagine if we could harness the power of those other chunks and usadors? The things we could accomplish. Well I imagine they're all dead along with me. No, well uh, no they usually sell out the Arnie pretty quick. No, well, uh, no, they usually sell out the army pretty quick. What? Oh, fuck, that's right, I forgot. Most often they'll lead me to them. Uh, not a great look.

It's not, it doesn't look great on us. Phil Noire-Chunt paid me two bits to kill you, isn't that reality? Not everything is so black and white. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, follow my lead. Oh, sure, yes, follow us. It's the only chance you'll have to get Arnie. You have to come through the two of us. Just follow us as we slowly back into this room. Yes, and just because we're slowly saying these things

doesn't mean that we have any ulterior motives. Arnie, what are you doing? I don't know. I don't understand the plan. Honestly, anyway. We go into the room, we make clones of ourselves. Obviously if there's time we fuck them. Yeah, sure. But we use those clones to fight the soul walkers.

It's not a bad plan, Arnie. We need some support here. Okay. And here. And here. And over there? You could do some support right... If you had a garment, they'd give you a little more support right here, too. That would be nice.

Sure. There's no support here in the topless tower. None of that kind of support. You just keep on backing up. There ain't no escape from us, Arnie and Ken. Oh, it's about to be all Julius Caesar up in here. We're gonna... Wait, before you all try to kill me, keep in mind, I die easy. And you think that you might collectively be able to get a little bit of killing for all of you,

but probably the first one of you that tries to kill me is the only one that's gonna succeed, and then the rest of you are gonna be trapped. Oh, good point. Yes, I suppose he's right. Let's everyone aim for non-vital parts of the body and make this as long and painful as possible. Chunt, Chunt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do we activate your plan? Like how do we make copies of ourselves? Yeah, there's a guard that's sort of a floating orb around. Oh, there he is. Okay, so you gotta go up to the guard that's a floating orb in the wall. You put your hand on the orb and you say,

copies, copies, copies. Yeah baby, fuck me. Okay, here we go. Making ball. Copies copies yeah, baby. Fuck me. Okay here we go Well well well it's been a long time Honey knee cam. Oh, it, is it the original Soulwalker? Yes, original to you, I suppose. I've come to learn that there are many originals across the multiverse.

We, the Soulwalkers, we've had a time here in the topless tower, confined together, exploring the limits of pain, pleasure, and each other's bodies. Gross. Alright Soulwalkers, you may be numerous, but within you there are even greater numbers indeed, yes? Yes. Yes, yes, but many of those Since you entrapped those that you kill Aren't you also Arnie? So if you kill Arnie's aren't there many Arnie's inside of you?

There you know I killed my Cowboy world Sony knee camp. So yeah, there's a there's an R knee and me and in me and is it on any I kill him let's forgive that one I saw me I'm bad and I checked into our knees me free don't say it like that yeah I present a wall a wall unbreakable by any possessed by Arne Neekamp. Achakathatha Kanchalatha! Try to step through here now. OK, quick.

While they're held out, I guess John, we should try to do your plan and make a bunch of copies of ourselves. And then we can mix around and they won't know which one is which. Way ahead of you buddy. Oh stop, fuck. Hey look over.

You just fucked. Okay, I put my hand on this wall? Mmhmm. Copies copies copies. Copies copies copies. Yeah baby fuck me. Hey I'm Arnie, fuck me. Now in prison.

Hey. Fuck me. Hey. Fuck me. Hey I'm Arnie, fuck me. Hey. Hey baby fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck yourself. Hey I'm Arnie, fuck me, baby. Hey, hey, hey baby, fuck me, baby.

Fuck yourself. Hey, I'm Arnie, fuck me. Hey, I'm Arnie, fuck me. I don't like this guy. Alright, now we just gotta make sure that they don't know which one is us and which one is the copy. Fuck me. I think we can make this pretty interesting.

Fuck me, baby, yeah baby, fuck me. Okay, okay. Yeah, fuck me. But which one's the real Chunt? Ask me a question that only I would know the answer to, and ask me to fuck me. Quickly, and I'm trying to push through the wall I've erected. You have to... Yes, you forget, Yuxitor, the blue fool. There is yet one soul walker who has never claimed the prize of Oh no! He's walking towards real Arnie. Fuck me. Oh, this can't be good.

There are already so many souls inside that one soul walker. Is it copying all of it? Copies, copies. Oh no. Wait, wait, no. Soul walker, no. Copies. Go.

Oh my god, go, go, go. Holy shit. Oh what, this is, the fidelity is getting really fucked up. No! It's just a mound of soul walkers... Oh, ow! No, it's too many! It's too much! This might punch a hole in the very fabric of reality! It's sort of making the whole topless tower shake.

Fuck, please! You... What have you done? How could you bring us soul walkers in here? What a foolish ruse? Yeah, fools. Yeah, I am fool The prophecy it's the prophecy that three fools. That's right. The three fools the cataclysm It was us, but we've caused the cataclysm just run and try to find a place that's away from the soul walkers Come on guys away from the soul walkers come on guys here is this one of the trap doors? fuck me fuck me no not fuck me fuck me I'm riding away from them!

those three chunts are doing a 207 okay okay look we lost some of us but I am Yusador are you feeling okay? fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck wrong Yusador oh man uh Chunt are you real Chunt? fuck me that but way you said it, I think that's the right Chunt. Arty, it's me, it's really me. Fuck me, now fuck me! No, no, later!

Wait, look, if you- there's another- Arty, that's not me! Oh. Oh, sorry! So, but- get away from him! Follow me through this invisible bubble! Quickly! Uh, wouldn't use it as fuck clones. We get it, you're horny.

No, stay inside the bubble! Yeah, okay, we'll get in the bubble. We'll wait until the Salt Walkers buckle the very structures that surround us! Oh my god! No! You have eluded us again! Arnie Mechamp! And no, do not think that your victory will last. We will come for you. We are the reigning camp. The reigning camp.

Hold on! The walls are beginning to break! I hope all of our recurring villain guests that we've had on the last several weeks, find a way to survive. Because it would be awful if every character we've met over the last five or six weeks dies in this cataclysm. In the moment, Betrix, the time I found you in, I did also manage to manifest snorkels for all of the other, all of the villains in here. So they're breathing just fine in a sea of soul walkers. It's happening. So they're breathing just fine in a sea of soul walkers. It's happening!

The walls have crumbled! We're free! We're free! We've done it! And we've toppled the topless tower! Ooh, that kinda rolls off the tongue. Yeah, topples the topless tower... Sounds much better than conjure-cold, is it? It's nice to be outside again, it's been way too long. Watch your step, there's a lot of, uh... There's a lot of soulwalker clones that are just sort of like laying here.

They seem pretty confused. that are just sort of like laying in eww eww eww eww eww eww eww eww eww eww

eww eww eww is on we got off oh that might have been the so walker he would probably say on we need camp right oh yeah I get I gave that one so walker a snorkel too I just I couldn't I think we all agree that's a good thing see my know where the topless tower was? I mean, I don't know Ploon very well. Seems colder wherever we're at. Yeah, man, Kornkow the cowgirl is gonna be pissed. But here's the thing. I guess as a victory against the wizard,

we destroyed their prison. And released a bunch of villains back into the wild. Yeah, which I guess is a mixed result. Well, the enemy of my enemy and all that. I suppose if we're causing them trouble, we're keeping them at bay a bit longer, which gives us time to address other issues, Arnie. My time in prison has given me a new focus,

and I say this unto you, Chunt, for I know you have a deadline that came to you from that moose fellow. It's time we took care of the animal war, and as soon as that's resolved, I say I shall confront these wizards. And I shall put an end to their tyranny! Yes, yeah, it's time for us to be more proactive and get these things done.

We're gonna stop the animal war, and then we're gonna fuck me. God damn it! Wait a minute! Arnie! Fuck! I'm over here! Arnie! I'm over here. Arnie!

I'm over here. Okay, he's under some, help me move. Okay, now I will be back in five minutes. Hey, Arnie, let's go over. Fuck me? No, I can't do that. Never mind, never mind. Lamont Jones's world is shattered

when his cousin dies in custody just weeks after entering prison. The official report says natural causes, but bruises and missing teeth tell a different story. From Wondery comes Death County PA, a chilling true story of corruption and cover-ups that begins as one man's search for answers, but soon reveals a disturbing pattern. Lamont's cousin's death is just one of many, and powerful forces are working to keep the truth buried.

With never-before-heard interviews and shocking revelations, Death County PA pulls back the curtain on one of America's darkest institutional secrets. This isn't just another true crime story. It's happening right now. Follow Death County PA on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Death County PA early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. In the early hours of December 4th, 2024,

CEO Brian Thompson stepped out onto the streets of Midtown Manhattan. This assailant pulls out a weapon and starts firing at him. We're talking about the CEO of the biggest private health insurance corporation in the world. And the suspect, he has been identified as Luigi Nicholas Mangione, became one of the most divisive figures in modern criminal history.

I was targeted, premeditated, and meant to sow terror. I'm Jesse Weber, host of Luigi, produced by Law and Crime and Twist. this is more than a true crime investigation we explore a uniquely American moment that could change the country forever. He's awoken the people to a true issue. I mean maybe this would lead rich and powerful people to acknowledge the barbaric nature of our health care system.

Listen to law and crimes's Luigi exclusively on Wondery Plus. You can join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Spotify or Apple podcasts. Well, let's walk confidently away from this mess of bodies and viscera. It's all been decided. Yeah, we solved everything and it didn't even take us a whole hour long episode to do it tomorrow

Salad tomorrow salad. We're being proactive, baby Pretty crafty pretty crafty there your Azure wizard Yeah, you are an indie campK slippery steel and all the multiverse You almost got away with it too with your little horny clone Gambit. Oh, I wonder if the name for my fuck me clone should be horny knee camp And you know what I'm not sure where our clones they ran off somewhere, so They're just gonna live off in the world somewhere, and I'm sure we'll encounter them again someday

Well they might but you ain't encountering nobody never know how again I'm doing what I should have done so long ago I'm calling you out on you need camp. It's time to face the music I'm calling you out, aren't you, Neekamp? It's time to face the music. You mean you're gonna do it in a killing kind of way? Yeah, in a killing kind of way. That's kind of my whole raison d'etre. Pardon my French.

So how do you do this? Is this just a thing where you just kill me or it's some kind of face-off that I have a fair chance in? Well, I suppose I could just plug you. I reckon you'd do the same to me. face-off that I have a fair chance in? You are gentlemen's duo. A duo. A duo. Oh, I got five beans in the barrel and one of them's aiming right at your head there on Amy Camp. And now when you say beans. I mean bullets. Oh, okay.

Forgive my cowboy patois. Might be a little indecipherable at times, but I promise I took the time to look some of these up and they're real. Okay, the Sulwark or Hexus Ranger. So if we're going to have a duel with guns, I don't got a gun. It's not fair until I get a gun. So maybe we'll revisit this two or three years time. And I'll I'll try to find a gun in the intervening time. I mean, I could probably just conjure a gun or make a copy of that gun.

Fuck yeah there we go. Seems like uh it's probably maybe the easiest work around. Thanks for being solution oriented. Oh I was glad to help. Here if you uh let me hold your gun for a second I'll hold it against the rebel and say copies copies copies. Oh great now this is a fuck gun. Can I have it? Yeah Chyne you can have one too. Copies copies copies. copies. Yes. Damn, that gun is horny as hell now. So now, Soulwalker Hexis Ranger, and just to be clear, and I really appreciate you giving me honest answers about this, even though it doesn't necessarily benefit you, but in the spirit of fairness, how do you get killed? Like if I shoot you, do you die?

Or is this kind of like pointless for me to even try to shoot you because you got so many souls inside of you? Yeah, it's funny you bring that up. Sometimes the Arnie's on various planes Make the same sort of argument. Is this a fair fight? Cuz if you're an undead sort of shambling husk as twer if I plug you are you actually gonna go down? Yeah The answer is no, sir This is a rigged contest, but I've gotta play by my own rules, Arnie and Akemi.

Look up at the sky. It's high noon. The sun is right there, the apex of its ride. Very well, then. Are you sure we don't wanna wait to do this until after lunch? I don't think that's appropriate. Chunt, why don't you be second to the soul walker and I'll be second to Arnie.

Now stand back to back and walk 20 paces. When you have walked 20 paces, you shall turn and you shall fire. Chunt, you walk with the soul walker. I shall walk with Arnie. This is my fuck gun. This is my gun. This is for fucking. This is for fun.

Now Arnie, when you turn, you aim for the gun. Okay. How can you walk and keep the count in your head at the same time? 16, 17, 18, 19... What was that? A step? 20! When I turn and I aim the gun? Turn and fire! Okay.

Elator! Gah! Huh. Well I don't know by what intervention, magical or otherwise, you managed to shoot my pistol out of my skeletal digits. But my hat's off to you, Arnie Neakamp. That's exactly where I was aiming. Your hand. So Arnie, you won, right?

Yes. You won? So, Walker Hexis Ranger, you won, right? Yes. You won. So, Walker Hexis Ranger, you have been defeated. You have been disarmed in this duel. You have no recourse now but to concede the fight. This has never happened to me before. I've defeated Arnie's knee camp from every plane of existence.

From sub-aquatic Arnie me camps who breathed through gills and lived in underwater domes. Whatever happened to the soul walker from the underwater world? I sent him to the surface. I mean who knows, but I killed him. He was trying to find dry land. From my experience, the sub-aquatic ones are so hard to beat. So hard. It's very hard, but the music is very good.

Always! What is that? Why is that? But now, according to your own rules, you cannot challenge Arnie for at least three months? Six months? Three months. that's right. All right, we bought some time. Oh look, the soul walker's taking out a white kerchief and he's coughing into it. There's a little splatter, splatter of red. No, no, I ain't sick.

I'm in my prime. Arnie, I think you shot the gun out of his hand so good, with my help, that you've given the soulwalker the consumption. Wow, I don't know, Arnie, it's a magical world. Am I the greatest marksman in all of food? Wow, fuck, here we go. Is that something I should start each episode introducing myself as?

I would, I don't know, I wouldn't. Why don't you go spreading that around Just remember three months come and go and I'm your huckleberry What's a huckleberry is that like like a pallbearer like someone who helps carry the casket? Not sure I think I know it's a fruit. I know there's a whole very hound I'm your huckleberry was he coming on to you? I'm your huckleberry. Now he's trying to get on that big bicycle, which wasn't his. God, just how the hell does anybody do this? Yeah, his legs are too long.

You need like two people or maybe a step ladder or something. It just don't make no damn sense at all. Oh, Arnie, yell after him. Um, yell after him, you're a daisy if you do. Uh, you're a daisy if you do. You're a daisy if you do. Oh well just remember Arnie, you got a three month reprieve. But then I'm coming, I'm coming, and hell's coming with me. Oh he bonked his knee so hard on the handlebars. How does anybody ride that wheel so big, the other one's so small. Maybe all those gears help you stay on top of that thing

right. Seats covered with gears. It's not making any sense. The gears should, I mean, the bike has gears, but not air. Oh, and Chuncey's running after him. Huh. What a weird little thing. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! The only thing I can think to add is Auga. Use It All the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffae. The many multidimensional Soul Walkers were played by special guest Ross Bryant. Ross' sinewy, eldritch form appears regularly on Dropout TV. And if you want to see Ross perform in person, like a lone birch tree in winter brought to life through sheer need to entertain, he's part of the improvised Shakespeare Company appearing at the Denver Center for the Performing

Arts this June. And this very weekend, Sunday, May 25th, he'll be performing with Chris Grace as Grace and Bryant at Kickstand Comedy in Portland, Oregon. I've been a fan of Grace and Bryant for years. How classy for Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda to pass the torch to two spiritual successors. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. And the smart money signs up directly on the Patreon website

instead of on the Apple Patreon app to avoid those extra Apple fees. Eye roll. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer, Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Tim Joyce.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Dang old one-wheeling. What? You can't? Dang old one wheelie. What? You can't, I mean, it makes so much more sense for me. Two symmetrically sized wheels.

Just one big old wheel. I'm sitting on one wheel. I mean, it's barely a bicycle. It's like a unicycle bonus. And here I am just doodling along, looking like a guy on a pack of Trader Joe's corn chips damn old philosophy You gotta be standing bolt up right on this thing How the hell am I gonna get off if you need like a light pole or get pulled next to a tree or something now fall Seven feet who the fuck designed this thing?

What a damn waste of space and engineering know-how last year law and crime brought you the trial that captivated the nation she's accused of hitting her boyfriend boston police officer john o'keef with her car karen reid is arrested and charged with second degree murder. The six week trial resulted in anything but resolution. We continue to find ourselves at an impasse. I'm declaring a mistrial in this case. But now the case is back in the spotlight

and one question still lingers. Did Karen Reed kill John O'Keefe? The evidence is overwhelming that Karen Reed is innocent. How does it feel to be a cop killer, Karen? I'm Kristin Thorn, investigative reporter with Law and Crime and host of the podcast Karen, the retrial. This isn't just a retrial. It's a second chance at the truth.

I have nothing to hide. My life is in the balance and it shouldn't be. I just want people to go back to who the victim is in this. It's not her. Listen to episodes of Karen, The Retrial, exclusively and ad free on Wondery+.