Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 59 - Extraordinary Boris (w/ Kyle Bethea)

Episode Date: June 9, 2025

Extraordinary Boris, the ruler of the land animals, has summoned Chunt and demands he give up his shapeshifting abilities. Will he?CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungExtraordinary Boris: Kyle BetheaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Check out our upcoming LIVE SHOWS!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Is the system working or is it time for a reckoning? I'm Jesse Weber. Listen to Law and Crime's Luigi exclusively on Wondery+. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, and apparently we're not content to hide in our recording studio. No, the show is about to start wandering around the North American continent. Tickets are on sale now for the Magic Tavern 10-year tour. Here are the cities and dates to either plan your visit or know exactly where to avoid

and when. July 18th, Somerville, Massachusetts. July 20th, New York City. August 15th, Washington, D.C. August 17th, Philadelphia. September 27th, Charlotte, North Carolina. September 28th, Richmond, Virginia. Links for tickets and info in the show notes.

And now, while you research what are the current fashions lighting up Somerville, Massachusetts, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Ten years and a couple of months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here In the magical land of food and I'm joined as always by my co-host. He's got a lot on his mind. Chug the talking badger

Excuse me. Oh man, that's, that donkey egg was huge. You ate the donkey egg from last week? Arnie, no, we ate the donkey egg. Breakfast this morning. I thought that tasted weird. And I gotta say, I don't know if Cawthorn was stretching the truth, but that was not a donkey egg. I think that was just a giant regular egg, right?

I mean, you cooked it. I don't know. It tastes a little weird, but I don't know what donkey tastes like. Seemed like an unfertilized donkey egg to me. You could taste the level of fertilization? Oh, I could taste the level of donkey. Okay.

Like how, what level of donkey was it? 20. Okay, level 20 donkey. Out of... Well, you know, I would say it was like 20% donkey. Oh, percent. 20% fish egg, 20% bird egg, 20% frog egg, and then of course 30% man egg. Oh, Arnie, have you had man egg?

No. It's so good on anything, sandwiches, pasta, anything at all. Love man egg. Oh, some man egg. Oh, also Arnie, have we told you about the donkey scale? No. It's sort of, there's a doctor in food who's kind of trying to figure out how, you know, where proclivities lie in terms of sexuality and, um, you know, everyone falls somewhere

on the donkey scale. I'm a 38. Have we told you about the Donkey King? No, there's so much you haven't told me about in this area. Oh yeah, we haven't covered donkeys enough, I suppose. We never talk about donkeys. Donkey King is a monkey. Let's get that straight to start with.

Okay, why is he the Donkey King? Why is a monkey the King of the donkeys? I don't know, but that's what he's called. He's called Donkey King and he loves to kidnap women and take them to the top of his tower. Oh, terrible. But then he jumps on the tower in such a way that the levels of it sort of bend so you can get up there a little easier. If he just didn't jump so hard, they'd all be flattened.

It'd be much harder to reach him. Huh. Remind me not to visit Donkey King Country. Arnie, that was tropically frozen years ago. Oh, it was tropically frozen? Yes. Have we told you about... You know what?

There's no time. We're here. We're entering the Remarkable Ravine. Oh, beautiful. Yeah, there's no other word for it but remarkable. I can't tell if this is actually like stunning or if just the name Remarkable Ravine makes me appreciate it more. Yeah. I very often, we don't take the time to really appreciate our surroundings and the beauty of food. There's so much lush overgrowth and beautiful pastoral scenes that we walk right past talking about butts or whatever. And we could really spend some time painting a picture with our words. Aye, these descriptions would seem to go on for pages and pages as we talked about the way we bit into a ripe tomato. And then the juices dribbled down my beard

and the seeds were caught in there. And suddenly a bird came down and took its little beak and ate the little tomato seeds out of my beard Uh-oh. And then, and then it got closer and closer to my mouth. This is getting a little hornish. And then the bird and I, we started to kiss a little peck here, a little peck there. Alright, okay, okay.

Okay. Well, maybe I'll save some of this for my new podcast. What? Wait, new podcast? Another new podcast? Yeah, I was inspired by Cawthorn last week. I'm going to start a podcast called Wisdom. But get this.

W-I-Z. W-I-Z. Yeah, no, I saw it. What? You did? I saw it coming. Really? Yeah. Well, this is probably a good time, Ysidor, for me to let you know that Chunt and I have

started a podcast talking about... What? for me to let you know that Chunt and I have started a podcast talking about your erotic fiction and we're calling it My Wizard Wrote a Porno. And listen, we're not making fun of you, we're celebrating you. Could I be anonymous in this so people don't know I'm the wizard you're talking about? Yeah, we'd prefer you to be anonymous.

Cut us so much time out of every episode. Guys, keep an eye out for extraordinary Boris. Or I guess also he sometimes goes by magnificent Boris. Some of his scrolls are signed magnificent. So I've never met him before. Keep an eye out for a moose. Shouldn't be too hard to spot here. Now, Chunt, you said that this moose had made a lot of demands on you in relation to the

animal war? Yeah, he's the one who months ago said I need to give up my shapeshifting ability to sort of like, you know, align myself with the land animals so I don't turn into other animals and become sort of a double, triple agent, etc. So we're here to kill him no no no oh we're here too for me to make my choice and to his face and let him know what's what so keep oh these are weird branches look how short these branches look at these branches over here guys beautiful Sound the trumpet! Ha!

It is I, Extraordinary Boris. Whoa, these weren't branches, these were antlers. Hi, little guy. Do not call me little guy. It is I, Extraordinary Boris. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trocas.

The elves know me as Fianyalek, the dwarves know me as... Big Antler Crabbutt. He took out a little book and started flipping through the pages. Yeah, I forgot that one. See you finally accepted my invitation. Yes, Extraordinary Boris or Magnificent Boris. I don't, sir, I don't know what to call you. Please, anything is fine.

Extraordinary Boris, magnificent Boris, whatever name you see fit. Just don't call me what it was you said, little guy. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I didn't know, I didn't realize that it was you. I will say I'm surprised. You're sort of a smaller moose than I would have expected. Yes, yes.

I sometimes am mistaken for a horse. He's sort of balling up his hooves. My father, of course, tower taller than most mooses, ten feet tall, some say eleven. That sounds extraordinary. But I... curse it... stand no taller than five-four. Oh.

Don't, don't laugh at me. That seems like an exaggeration. Look, we won't call you little guy, okay buddy? Don't call me buddy. We're not gonna call you buddy, champ, okay? Oh, dear. Aw. All right, we won't call you champ, little guy.

Enough. We're sorry, pumpkin. You know, I've been called an enchanted moose. Do you know why? Someone enchanted you? You're enchanted? Someone enchanted me, yes. And what normally when someone is enchanted, their powers are, well, what would you say?

Usador, spells, illusions, feats of strength? Prestidigitation? My enchantment is that I see the way the world is. I see people for who they are, what they are. Oh fuck. What's the source of this enchantment? Was it a troll that you made angry or like a witch who you like ate her flowers or some bullshit?

The source of my enchantment Was the torture I endured through Moose High School Okay Sorry just to be clear you didn't like Accidentally trample over like a witch's kid or something? No. You simply went to high school. I went, simply went to high school. An understatement of the millennia. Tortured day by day.

Boris, Boris the tiny horse. Boris the little horse. Boris the little goat looking like a horse. Oh wait, I've seen some of these scrawled in bathroom stalls. What bathroom stalls? Oh, sorry, just some of the taverns in the area. I've seen those names scrawled into them. It doesn't matter.

Could be a different moose. Well, it made me who I am. Do you understand what I mean, what I'm saying? Yeah, we all endure hardships, and that becomes part of our personality. And sometimes we think, could I go back and live that time again, knowing what I know now, and have a much easier time?

But then, would you be the person that you are now, or the moose? And then, would you be a different person in the future who didn't know to go back and to fix those things? And then you would go back and make the same mistakes you made the first time when you went through it the third time and then the third time you'd come through and you'd say well I shouldn't have done that and you'd go back and you'd fix it again but you fix it a little different this time and uh why does you sort of have to explain things in the form of a trilogy oh and double ties and one of them they wear double ties.

What was I talking about? I don't know. Well, I'll tell you this. I wouldn't change a thing, because it made me who I am. Yes, maybe my father stood five feet taller than me. Wow, that is magnificent. Yes, yes, yes, shut up. Wow, that is magnificent. Yes, yes, yes, shut up. What's really magnificent is the grit,

the point of view, the way I see the world. Okay, let's take out some cigarettes. Unless you think about a 10-foot moose, and then that's pretty fucking spectacular all on its own. Well, where did it get him, huh? He's in the ground. Oh, wait, like, hold on, is he in a basement or? Well, where did it get him? Huh? He's in the ground. Oh. Wait, like, hold on, is he, I don't know.

In the basement or do moose bury, like burrow? Is he dead or? He died. Okay, yeah. He died. How long Libid was he? He lived to the ripe old moose age of 210. Wow, that's old for a moose.

Well, is that a moose years? I asked because you said to the moose age, like is that, moose years, is that different than other years? Good question. Moose years are different than most years, yes. A 210 year old moose would be, let's see, 2,000 groundhog years. 210 year old moose would be, let's see,

2,000 groundhog years. Oh, fuck. Okay. Shit, okay, now we have to, this is like ounces to quarts. I'm gonna, let me, I have a table in my hat, but I'm gonna have to dig around for it. I'll find it. Don't worry, here it is.

No, that's not it. Oh, but I guess, I guess mainly condolences. Thank you. Yeah, how long ago was it that your father ended up underground? 90 years ago. 90 moose years. 90 moose years ago. We'll need that chart for it to make any meaning to you, I imagine.

He was a tough but fair father. Now I will say, he certainly showed me no sympathy for my struggles. Oh. Oh, did he walk antlers with you a lot or? Yes. Being 10, some would say 11 feet tall, his antlers look like he wore a rocking chair on his head. Whoa, did people sit in his antlers? Yes, all manner of Fair Moose Maiden.

Oh. Oh, okay, I've got it here. I've got it here, it's three and a half ounces of dark chocolate, a tablespoon of unsalted butter, two large egg yolks, one tablespoon of white sugar, one quarter cup of water, one tiny pinch of salt, and a half a cup of chilled heavy whipping cream. First you have to break up the chocolate into small pieces. Uh, Ysidor?

Yes? I think that's a recipe. Yeah, for mousse. I need, I was looking for a mousse thing, right? Oh no. For mousse! Oh! What? I think that's a recipe. Yeah, for moose. I was looking for a moose thing, right? Oh no. For moose. Oh, they're moose ears, moose ears. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Wizard scum. Finally somebody said it. How dare you say that? Oh no, wait, no, oh, you misunderstand. Yes, most wizards these days are scum, but I am Ucedor, the blue wizard, the one last true-hearted good wizard fighting for freedom and righteousness throughout all of Foon. I've seen wizard scum carved into a lot of tavern stalls as well.

And you sure you do get, we pop into a tavern and a lot of people approach you immediately and they go, my friend doesn't like your face. Right. Yes. That's happened like 80 times, to where it's like, what's going on? Yeah, and I can only cut off so many guys' arms, you know, before it's like, when are you gonna learn?

Yeah. So we're cool, right, Boris? We're cool. Well, if we're cool, then let's take a break. Oh, I grabbed another cigarette. Take a break. I grabbed another cigarette. In the early hours of December 4th, 2024, CEO Brian Thompson stepped out onto the streets of Midtown Manhattan.

This assailant pulls out a weapon and starts firing at him. We're talking about the CEO of the biggest private health insurance corporation in the world. And the suspect... He has been identified as Luigi Nicholas Mangione. ...became one of the most divisive figures in modern criminal history. I was targeted, premeditated, and meant to sow terror. I'm Jesse Weber, host of Luigi,

produced by Law and Crime and Twist. This is more than a true crime investigation. We explore a uniquely American moment that could change the country forever. He's awoking the people to a true issue. Finally maybe this would lead rich and powerful people to acknowledge the barbaric nature of our health care system. Listen to law and crimes Luigi exclusively on one degree plus

enjoying one degree plus the one degree app Spotify or Apple podcasts. system. Listen to Law and Crime's Luigi exclusively on Wondery Plus. You can join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Spotify, or Apple podcasts. Hey, I'm Mike Corey, the host of Wondery's podcast Against the Odds. In each episode, we take you to the edge of some of the most incredible adventure and survival stories in history. In our next season, it's 1980, and in the Pacific Northwest, the long dormant volcano Mount St. Helens is showing signs of life. Scientists warn that a big eruption is coming, but a restricted zone around the mountain is limited by politics. On May 18th, hikers, loggers, reporters, and researchers are caught in the blast zone as the volcano erupts. They find themselves pummeled by a deadly combination of scorching

heat, smothering ash, and massive mudslides. The survivors have to find their way to safety before they succumb to their injuries or face another eruption. Follow against the odds on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Binge the entire season ad-free right now only on Wondery Plus. Start your free trial in the Wondery app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify today. So Boris, you're like, I don't really fully understand your position. Like you're the leader of all the land animals? The leader of all the land animals? The leader of all land animals. So far neutral in the Great Animal War.

Sea vs. Air vs. Land. That's pretty impressive. You, not to be rude, I hadn't heard of you until I started receiving your scrolls. You must have rose through the ranks pretty quickly. Well, it wasn't without its struggles. Many challengers from my brothers, first and foremost. Everyone knows Chet. My father's golden child. The Magnificent Chet?

Is this Magnificent Chet? That's well, that is what he goes by, but certainly he hasn't earned it. I'm the firstborn. Why, why, why, why wouldn't I be magnificent? Well, I guess because you're short or tiny. Or, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Miniscule. He meant to say miniscule for a moose. Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet.

How big is Chet? Let's just put it out cigar in his mouth. Yeah. Boris, is Chet, is your brother Chet the one that owns the bakery? Chet the baker? Yes, last I heard he was trying to franchise it and expand it to as far as the eye could see is what he said. Hmm. Which is not very far.

And that's what I said. I told him real ambition is leading the animal, the land animal creatures in the great coming war. And we will pick a side when the time is right. Meanwhile, Chet bakes his muffins, his bagels, his pastries. Mm-hmm, his funny valentines. Just real quick, I just wanna say to anyone who might be listening, I heard him say the great coming war, but I don't want to touch it

Ha ha ha ha ha Sorry, can we can I say too I know no one edits this show, but if someone did I would hope that they would edits this show, but if someone did, I would hope that they would isolate Boris's laughter and just have that for future use if we need it. Ooh, yeah, maybe use that as like some sort of, like when you knock on someone's door, maybe that sound plays or something instead of ding-ding. Yeah, absolutely.

Extraordinary, Boris, I do wanna ask, you mentioned, I'm really hung up on this, you mentioned that you are enchanted and your power, your enchantment is that you see things how they really are now How does that work in battle like say someone throws a fireball at you and what do I see? How does my power help me when someone throws a fireball at me? That's what you're asking me. Yeah, I guess I guess that's what I mean I'll tell you how my power helps me before the creature ever throws the fireball, I see through it. I see its every insecurity, its every weakness.

There you were. Say you and I were set against each other in battle. There you are, preparing your rock, your fireball, whatever it may be. But I look at you and I see someone who isn't sure what he should do next. Well that is how I feel. Whoa that is a cool party trick. And Ysador. I found it. First you need to wet your hair and then you apply some of the product to your hand. You spread it between your hands. You sort of want to

run your fingers through your hair and then dry the hair so you get a nice kind of like bouffant according to the note that I have here. Does that help convert the ears? I think that's the wrong table, Ysidore. That's the wrong moose. Oh. Extraordinary Boris was just about to read you, yeah, see you in a way that no one else

has seen you before. Oh, okay, great. Go for it. Yes, but perhaps you didn't notice because you were doing as you do, hiding behind your so-called knowledge, your so-called books. Yeah. Maybe if I just come up with another factoid, another spell, another oral history. No one will know. Yeah, I just gotta keep moving like a shark.

That's right. That's right. What do your wizard brothers think of your betrayal? Oh, they hate my guts. They're so mad at me. Even Genelevia, my one-time lover. Not even one-time. One-time lover?

Forma. I meant Forma, not one-time. It wasn Not even one time. One time lover? Forma. I meant forma, not one time. It wasn't one time. It was lots of times. Trust me. Plenty of times. May I ask a question?

Yes. Come closer. Come closer. I can't hear. Have my people, anyone hear me ask this question? Am I coming closer because you're so small? And listeners, I hear it. Just throwing the word come around so much.

What does it like to take a lover? To take a lover? Is that what you said? What does it like to take, to have a maiden interested in you? To have her pursue you, to take you? I haven't known it. Yes, well, you see, here's the thing. I've had this on-again, off-again thing with Genelevia for years, decades, honestly. And, uh, pretty soon, I think, it might pay off. As soon as we get past this whole hating my guts for stealing her immortality thing. Then other times, we have guests on the show

who probably come in with their own ideas and their own sort of person and their own, well, and often it seems like they sort of try to hook them up with the arm, you hook them up with the child, you hook them up with John, or hook them up with me. And then it usually doesn't work out, and they go away. But it's a fun episode. It's a fun episode of just flirting and-

Arnie, Arnie. Yeah? What do you think they're talking about? I mean, I always assume people are talking about how they do it, but that can't be right. Sex? Yeah, pal. Yeah, yeah.

He's probably saying like, if you want to have sex with someone, they come from the future, and you say, yo, you know, that sort of want to have sex with someone they come from the future and you say yo You know that sort of thing and I heard you say come from I know I heard it too And then once you've transformed back from rack of ribs Into your semi human form for you are truly an angelic being trapped in this flesh body You you turn you towards the sky, and your minds escape into the wilderness. That's what it's like.

Let me ask you a question. How does one approach such a situation? Certainly not alone. I can't imagine myself walking up to a moose maiden by myself. I could never be so bold, so brave. You need what they call a wingman, which is literally. Yeah, just get a bird. Oh, sorry. Sorry I love birds if the war weren't happening You could put a bird on your antler and the the bird would then talk you up

They did go over they'd be like hey, have you seen boys? He's pretty cool, right? Did you know he's really into what he went? You do like oh Arnie look a female moose. Oh It's good walking Here's our opportunity just go up and just ask ask about her interests Hmm Chunt to come with me. Yeah, Chunt. Yeah, Chunt be a wingman be a wingman Oh, let me let me shape-shift into a bird. Oh, not literally you don't want to get killed. Oh, yep. Sorry Okay Oh, let me uh, let me shape-shift into a bird. Oh, not literally, you don't want to get killed. Oh, yep, sorry. Okay. Introduce me.

I don't know this lady. Uh, pardon me, ma'am. We couldn't help but notice that you are walking by, minding your own business, not wishing to be accosted by anyone. Yet I have decided to approach you and introduce myself. Oh, wrong way to do it. I amuse it all, and this is my good friend, Boris. And now that we have made an introduction,

of course you'd love to spend some time with us. Oh, he seems strange. I'm so sorry. You seem a little strange. Oh, well, you know who isn't strange? My friend, Boris. It is I. Oh, should I?

Yeah, really, really build yourself up. Like, be as formal as possible. Yeah, build is I. Oh, should I, should I? Yeah, really, really build yourself up. Like be as formal as possible. Yeah, build yourself up, stand tall. He bailed on that sentence so quickly. It is I, extraordinary Boris. Some might know me as magnificent Boris, leader of the land creatures. What is up?

Pretty impressive, right? What's your name, young lady? Who am I talking to? Am I talking to the wizard? No, you're talking to the moose, but we're the mooses, we come as a trio. I heard myself say it. We're just sort of hanging out, yo,

being cool with our buddy, Boris. We'd love to get to know you better. What's your name, young lady? How old are you in moose years? Well, I was not interested, but then I heard the wizard say, yo, and there's something intriguing and powerful about that. Yeah, you'd think that.

You're upstaging me. My name is Monica the moose. Oh, Monica, did you know that Boris's dad was like 20 feet tall? Oh, are you one of those guys that just talks about their dad all night? No, no, no, quite the opposite. Quite the opposite. I have ascended to his position.

I've taken over his responsibilities and his duties. I'm very much my own moose. I see. Yeah, and his brother's got a bakery, so. Don't talk about that. Don't talk about that. Well, we'd love to hang out longer, Monica and Boris, but you two should talk.

We'll grab some phosphorescent moss for you both to eat and bring it over in a few minutes, but just chat in the meantime. Just talk amongst yourselves. Arnie, stand up and get over here. Okay, well, no, I'm sorry, I was just watching all that. It was very interesting. You got this, Boris.

I'm not really sure why I'm here, but I do like phosphorescent moss. Have you ever seen my trumpet core play? They follow my core of trumpets. It follows me around and plays me in and out of various events. I get it. You're in a band. Haven't had great experience with dating people that are in a band. Yes, but I'm much more than my music.

I, well, just last week I organized, I wrote up a part of a treaty. We haven't sent it yet, but it's a very important document. You'll be impressed if you saw the treaty I wrote. And Boris writes poetry too. Yeah, read your poem. Sorry. Yes, yes, I write poetry, yes. Tell me, what is your favorite smell?

I mean, I guess it's phosphorescent moss. Luckily, a lot of things rhyme with phosphorescent. Phosphorescent moss? I'm sorry, I panicked. Here you go, before you start your poem, I'd like to serve you both a delicious heaping plate of phosphorescent moss or lichen. Oh, I don't like lichen. Can I send the lichen back? Of course, m'lady. I'm a nurse. Thanks for asking.

And remind me, remind me your name one more time. I'm so nervous. You know what? I'm so sorry. Monica, ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I remember it's Monica. I remember it's Monica. Here it goes, play a trumpet intro. Agatha. This is us.

Silence! Monica the nurse, a treasure has emerged from a king's purse. Richer than gold, richer than silver. Oh no. I can't wait to hear what he rhymes with. Arnie, the only colors not to say are silver, purple, or orange, and he said one of them but fairer fairer

then I Fairer than a fairer than Fairer than a Everyone run! Dragon! Dragon! Dragon! Oh no! A dragon! Oh no! Guys, guys, guys, guys, stop, stop. Sorry, there's no dragon. I just wanted to chase Monica off. I couldn't wait to watch that anymore. Stop! What were you thinking, Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-Faw-F school pranks. No, no, no, no, no. You're all laughing behind my back. We would never.

If we were going to laugh, we would laugh right in your face. Stupid, stupid Boris, stupid. No Boris, you're not stupid. So you're in charge of the war somehow? What do you mean somehow? Yes, it's my blood, it's my right, it's my right. Fire my bloodline, my regal bloodline. Which seems like you're a bit of an awkward nerd who doesn't like girls and like, you

know, I always think of like a cool general is like a hip guy who's like really tough and cool and like wears, wears shades and has like a little cap that's too small for his head. Yes. And then gets decapitated in the first battle. Right, that's a good point. What a cool leader, so cool, so cool, drawing attention to himself,

big, flashy, 10, 11 foot tall moose gets decapitated. First axe thrown. All right, you got me there, you got me there. Yeah, I guess points. Yeah, I guess I never thought about how you being smaller is actually a big advantage in battle. I won my only weakness is that my enchantment cannot forgive my word choice, penetrate the fairer sex.

Sure. Well, I'm glad we didn't share that on your date. Yes. That's probably for the best. So this has been killing me. I'm so sorry, I'm glad you didn't share that on your date. Yes. That's probably for the best. So this has been killing me. I'm so sorry. I have to ask Moose High School graduation cap. Does it sit in between the horse or over top the horse?

Good question. Yeah. I had, I could not get it out of my head or antlers. I guess it's called antlers. It sits in between. What seems like an unrelated question. Are you tall enough to go on a moose-ment park rides? Well, technically no, but I changed that law

about four months ago. You have the power to just change laws? Yes. Don't you have to go through Moose Congress to do that? You can't just change laws. Is this a power grab board? I have temporarily disbanded and suspended Moose Congress. Whoa!

During these times of war. I don't know about that. I don't know about that, Boris. Well, at least you have the Moose courts to rein you in, right? The Moose courts are proving to be quite a thorn in my leg. Oh, you do have a thorn in your leg. Do you want me to grab it? No No, well it helps you in some way. How does that how is that thorn helping you? This is embarrassing but when I

Yesterday we were on a little bit of a little bit of a small mission Information gathering and I walked through a thorn bush and caught a thorn in the leg and was actually bleeding quite a bit and it seemed like the guys sort of thought it looked cool so I I'm sort of letting it ride okay left the thorn because look cool I noticed you keep lighting a lot of cigarettes but you're not really smoking them You just kind of keep ashing him Yes, well he coughs even when he puts a cigarette near his mouth even though it's not yeah

How could anyone inhale these things? Are you friends with Joseph camel? Well, he does we've hung out once at moose flags Joseph camel left eventually on his hero's journey, right? Yes, he's off doing all kinds of adventures imagined. I well extremely Boris. You're you're also pretty I Can't bring myself to say cool, but you're You're you there's only one you There's only one me. Yes. Yeah, that's right. That's right. And that's what I've been telling my people But the the moose Congress the moose courts

It's just it's a lot of bureaucracy, but I alone uniquely hold the knowledge, the experience, the view to lead us to a better place. And certainly once we see success and peace in the lands, many, many, many, many Am moose maiden will recognize my strengths, my value. Don't you think? Did he say moose maid? Moose maidens. What the fuck is a moose maid? A moose maiden?

That's what they call... Yeah, he said his dad had moose maidens sitting in his antlers. I guess it sounded cool when he was talking about his dad, but when he says it, it sounds... Yeah, it's just like, what decade is this? You know, like, you're saying maiden? Come on, man. I feel like even for his dad, having moose maidens in your antlers, that sounds like it's going to be cool, but once they get up there, like what are you?

What are you doing? I see still trying to smoke stop trying to smoke Smoke I know how to smoke who doesn't know how to smoke Well, uh, it's just I I don't we're not exactly sure how to help you Here, I think that maybe while I I highly recommend working toward an end to this animal war, it's terrible, it's taken too many lives, and it's hard to get around because the animals and the air and the water and the land are all kind of like pissed off. And that's the three main ways I travel. Yeah. I mean I could go into the nether realm and just appear somewhere else but

oh who has the time? You guys know what I'm talking about in the nether realm huh? This thing on? Well technically... Oh shit. Chunt is in a pocket dimension. Now Boris I believe you wrote a letter to our friend Chunt, and while he's away, I just want to ask you, are you still insisting that he give up his powers? Absolutely. With this war escalating, we cannot have any unknowns. Chunt must pick a side. He must surrender his power to shapeshift and Truly once and for all join the land creatures. Okay, but yeah, like what are you gonna do?

What am I going to do about it? Like really like really? What are you gonna do about it? What am I going to do about it? Yeah, what are you gonna do about it? I've made a trip to the Badger Kingdom. Oh I've made a trip to the Badger Kingdom. Oh, they fucking hate him there. That's right. I've made a trip to the Badger Kingdom and I've sown my seeds of chunt propaganda. He can't hear it.

I've sown my moose seeds of chunt propaganda. I've started a wheel turning. They're turning on Chunt. Okay, well, that's... Whoa! We will deal with that if we need to. Chunt. Hey, yeah?

You still have some friends in the Badger Kingdom, right? They don't all hate you, right? Right? I think I have some allies. I think maybe Talbot is Talbot them and yeah Yeah, maybe Misha Misha. I think Misha likes me um Who else Cory but to both the Cory's the two Cory's I think yeah the Cory's like you grunt kind of bullies me But it's like it does seem like a playful bully yeah

Or I think Ernie likes me. Oh, sorry, you're Ernie. Yeah, Ernie's not a badger. He's not a badger. That's right, sorry. It's weird for you to say that I'm a badger when I'm clearly something else. Yes, but why do you ask?

You know, we were just talking to Boris while you were in that other dimension, and you know, just no reason, really, just curious, you know. I'll tell you, I'll tell you why. Oh, he tried to shove Ysitur out or other way. He kind of fell down here, buddy Sorry. Oh, oh, yeah, don't put weight on that. Don't put weight on that Don't go back to the secret time to take a drag before everything just tell me

Hmm. I was telling your friends that you will obey my order to relinquish Surrender your changeling power or else I will see to it that you're never welcome in Badger Kingdom again I've spoken to the quarries to both quarries both quarries shit Well, you know what? I've made my decision and I will give it to you after this break Oh, he fell down again. Don't put weight on that foot. Hey, wowzer fans, it's Guy Raz and Mindy here and Mindy, can you believe we have our very own

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to operations so secretive, they were barely whispered about. Each week, on redacted, declassified mysteries, we pull back the curtain on these hidden histories. 100% true and verifiable stories that expose the shadowy underbelly of power. Consider Operation Paperclip, where former Nazi scientists were brought to America after World War II, not as prisoners, but as assets, to advance U.S. intelligence during the Cold War. These aren't just old conspiracy theories.

They're thoroughly investigated accounts that reveal the uncomfortable truths still shaping our world today. The stories are real. The secrets are shocking. Follow redacted, declassified mysteries on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to redacted early and ad free right now on Wondry Plus John are you sure about this? I'm sure look where are your buddies and we'll support you whatever you decide to do It's just they're so I don't think you guys comprehend

Maybe you sort of does just how many animals there are in food Yeah And this I mean this work could just keep going on and on and on and I always say As a shapeshifter nothing changes if nothing changes So I think it's time for me to make a change. I think it's time for me to Do what I need to do extraordinary Boris. I'm ready to give up my abilities. I have a magical feather from Cawthorn the great crow the great Kraven. Kraven. And I'm

ready to go through with it. Chant are you sure? I don't know if I go through with this particular spell this I don't know if you'll ever be able to be a shape-shifter again. I mean we'll find a way to like retcon it right? Oh yeah I'm sure we can do that that's not a problem. But it might be years before we get back to that story shit You know it no I I've made up my mind. I'm gonna do it Boris I don't know if you know this when I give up my abilities Do you know where where those go do those just sort of dissipate or do they go into like a ball or something? Yes?

And that's this one final condition I have. Ysidor, in one of your books, I'm sure you will find the correct procedure in which I will absorb Chunt's changeling power. The fuck? Oh. Yes. I will absorb the ability to change my form into into whatever it may be 10 feet 11 feet 14 feet. Okay, uh, well, I got to find that book. I still haven't found

that table. So uh, it's gonna take a while. Whoa, boy into whatever it may be 10 feet 11 feet, you're gonna go for 14 feet. It's always the last thing. Right. Am I crazy? It's always the last thing. Yeah. Why would you do the middle one? Yeah. Well, because sometimes, you know, people will say, well, you're doing too much. You're doing too much of this. You're doing too much of that. So sometimes you kind of have to sort of hit a sweet spot where it's not too obvious. You can't wear your dress, your suit can't be too flashy.

It has to be just right. I'm sorry, I can't understand what you're talking about. No one has ever told me I am doing too much. Ah, but let me look through my hat here and see. Let's see, I think this is the spell book in question. I happen to pull it out first thing. Every human year is equal to four moose years. Is that the right thing?

That's not, that was what we were looking for before. Ah, okay. I think his dad was around 50 when he died. Whoa, that's pretty young actually. That is too young. Yeah, late mid-50s, late 50s, I don't know. Anyway. I'm sorry Boris, that must have been pretty traumatic high blood pressure

into the size Imagine that's prevalent among moose. I don't know why I imagine that but may it happen to jet Especially if you're that big, you know, like it's hard on the body to be so big Yeah, you should be fine and carrying all those moose maids in your horns. That's gotta be bad for your neck Yeah, it's gotta put a lot of pressure on your neck. Exactly. I I see what's happening here You're trying to sow seeds of doubt into me. You're trying to make me second-guess my Idea to perhaps use the changeling power to shape-shift into a mighty truly Extraord extraordinary Boris.

I see what's going on here. Yeah, listen, I'll give up my abilities. I'm not giving it to you. It either dissipates for good and nobody gets it or it goes to Arnie. Yeah, or it goes into a ball for some reason. I don't know why I mean, yeah. Hmm. I've just seen so much magic where it's like a sphere in front of someone or a, you know, like a glass, a crystal container ball.

I guess there's a lot of sphere magic in Fin, now that I think about it. Oh, I love a sphere. Like, if you have a sphere of pure fire and you're like, oh, it's smooth on the outside, but it's like burning fire on the inside. Or same thing with ice. Like, I love an love an ice sphere like it's just like so satisfying And I don't know if you saw this last episode I conjured a giant marble. Yeah It was fine. All right Marble, okay So let's let's begin this incantation. Okay, the feather eat the feather? Do I hold it or? Just hold the feather.

Now Chunt. Yeah, why do I always think eat it first? I'm sorry, Chunt, I'm just nervous for you. I hope I'm not being overly critical while you're making this life-changing decision. No, no, I think I'm glad you're here. Yeah, yeah. No, Chunt.

This is like an outpatient spell, right? For sure, yeah, yeah. You'll be able to walk outta here as long as you have someone who can help you see. Now, Chunt, it's a perfectly reasonable question. I'd ask if you would ingest one of the components of this spell, of this incantation. Now, you said you do not want to give the power to Boris, but I can give the power to Boris if you so choose. I can put the power to Boris if you so choose. I can put the power into a ball. That ball will fly into the heavens

and return to the sixth realm of Ephesius where the goddesses will care for it. Or I could give it to Arnie, I guess. Like, I don't know, do we want Arnie to be a shapeshifter? I mean, I wouldn't say no. I guess it'd be kinda kooky. Boris, what's gonna happen if we don't make you the shapeshifter?

You're gonna take a long drag on that cigarette and then tell me. If you do not grant me the shapeshifting power, then I will have no choice but to order all land animals to attack both sea and air. What? That's blackmail?

That's preposterous, you foul scoundrel! There will be death, there will be violence. Oh, you low villain. I say this unto thee. Should I grant you this power, would you abuse it the way you already abused the power you have? Who would have guessed that someone that made an impossible demand would make a second impossible demand? I promise you this. I will only use my power for the betterment of all land creatures. Yes.

I don't know. It sounds like someone's like, guys, I'm getting a new car, but hey, it's for everybody. This cool car is for the whole neighborhood. It's gonna make the whole neighborhood better. Me driving around in this car. And it will. And it will. And it will. And it will.

I mean, just think about it. Your leader, your king, he can change shape at will. Oh, he's so tall. He's so muscular. What is that? A rocking chair on his head? That sort of benefits everybody. Hmm. I guess with the rocking chair, he does have a point kind of a ride. Um, okay. Here's my final decision. You said or yes, I would like most of the ability to go into a ball. Okay, I would like I'm listening. I got you

This is dr. Patient time you talk to me chun don't listen to them. Thank you I would like Arnie to have the ability to Maybe like change his hair color. No, that's fine. I like that and Maybe like change his hair color. Oh, that's fun. I like that. And Extraordinary Boris as selfish and as disgusting and unqualified as a leader as he is, I would like to give Extraordinary Boris a few inches to his heart. Okay.

To his heart. To what? To my heart. Wait, that won't kill him, right? Oh, an enlarged heart, that never hurt anyone. That runs in the family. His dad had heart problems. Wait, I want him to love more shit.

Oh, too late. Okay, here we go. I meant it in like an empathy-compassion way, but oh, he's really clutching his chest. Ah! Hold tight on that feather so it doesn't leave your hands chunt. Okay. Ah, the hair on all of us stands on end as energy flows through us all.

The magical ball I form here now in my hand contains your magical shape-shifting abilities. And here I release it unto the heavens. And Arnie, to you I grant this portion of this power that the color of thine hair may change at thine will. No, my hair feels magical. And to you, Boris, I grant thee an enlarged heart that shall allow you to love more, but keep pace with the size of this new heart. You shall grow two, four, six feet taller than you already are.

And finally, you shall be as magnificent as thine father before thee. Let thine antlers grow, and be a veritable coat rack for moose maidens." Ah yes! Whoa, and I am spent! That spell really took out Yusador. Wow, yeah, he sort of deflated like a balloon. Thank you buddy, thank you Yusador. Oh yeah, you're of deflated like a balloon. Thank you buddy, thank you user. That, um, thank you. You're most welcome, Chud.

Oh, he's really weakened. You are always my favorite. Oh, what? Fuck. Shut up, Adi. I love you, buddy. Thank you so much. Arnie, I love the new brown hair.

Unless it's always been brown. It's always been brown. Keep doing you. It's a subtly different brown. Extraordinary Boris, you look truly extraordinary. Congratulations. Oh, I feel like a new moose. Thank you, Usador.

Thank you, Chunt. You're welcome. I feel like me. I feel the same. Yeah. Try to change into something, though. Oh, nothing. Try to make your wang bigger. I feel the same. Yeah, try to change into something though

Nothing try to make your your wang bigger Well that worked but because of blood yeah Old-fashioned way that I'm staring at this huge moose Wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute my wing. It didn't grow what I got much bigger My antlers got much bigger, but my my moose wing is the same size. Oh yeah, I see that now. Wow, that must be embarrassing. I look ridiculous.

It sort of makes you think that maybe power and the sort of really things that you care about maybe are less important than you think and that maybe your masculinity doesn't need to be tied to your size but really in rather way you treat other people. I immediately order the dissolution of the Moose Congress and the Moose Courts. I'm going to beseech the Moose Congress to impeach you immediately. But well we're off to speak to Moose Congress. Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, look. Oh, there's a bird circling.

This is, I haven't seen this in, oh, it's dropped, okay, I got to scroll here. All right. Dear Chunt, it's over. The animal war is over. The animals of land, sea, and air have agreed to a truce because Wily Potatoes the Rat with a wand in it bet everyone that you would give up your shape-shifting abilities and everyone said nah-uh, but you did it

love podpires podpires? oh it seems like they got the scoop goddammit podpires scooped us on our own storyline? yeah ps don't talk about this too much we're making a whole episode out of it. P.P.S. all of the Moose's wartime powers have been dissolved.

Oww! What? Chum, did you sign away your intellectual rights to podpires? Hmm, that sounds like me. Well Stranay Boris, this is a lot more plot than we usually do, so I think we're pretty tuckered out. Well, I'm off to find Monica. Okay.

And when you find her, talk to her. Just ask her about what she likes and what she cares about. Although you'll probably have to do a little bit of it. She might be freaked out that you're suddenly physically a lot different than you were. Yeah, maybe just start fresh with someone else. Like maybe don't find Monica. Yeah, maybe just start fresh with someone else. Like maybe don't find Monica. Doesn't have to be Monica. If it is Monica, maybe change her name

just because she's not gonna believe you or she'll be scared. So maybe just say, maybe say you're Chet, the aforementioned Chet or something. Yes, the perfect plan. Pursue my one and only with a false identity. She will love the new me. Now that I'm hearing this, I don't love it.

If she does recognize him, then that's twice as bad. Well, we've done all we can here. Yeah, he'll figure it out. Guys, I stopped the war. Yeah, Chunt. That was incredible. Yeah, good work. You stopped one of the two bigger wars that are going on in Foon right now.

I guess legally, it was Wily potatoes They're out with a wand in them that stopped it through the Power and influence and reach of the hit podcast podpires, but but you know, I was a catalyst Yeah, you were the catalyst for the whole thing. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Maybe that's why I was so exhausted from the magical outpouring If Wily potatoes is power and mine were sort of floating through the ether at the same time, maybe they combined and like really, you know, made a huge impact on the whole world. I think we should take credit for this, boys. I think we've done a great boon for all the food.

Sure. But the most important thing is, at least for the near future, Chunt, you don't have the power you had before and you have to adjust to that, and Ysidor, your magic is spent. And that leaves me with my magical hair as the only magical creature co-host of this show. So I'm going to have to protect both of you with my hair color. Whoa, it's light brown now. I know.

I mean, I'm still just working on the browns, but you know, I'm getting the hang of it. Arnie, don't say working on the browns. That's what you say in the bathroom. Bye, Boris. Bye, extraordinary Boris. Bye. Holy shit, it works So close to getting through an entire episode without mentioning pubic hair, like Indiana Jones grabbing his hat from under a descending stone door. Use It All the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chomp the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffaea. Extraordinary Boris the Magical Moose was played by Matt Young. Chomp the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffae. Extraordinary Boris, the Magical Moose, was played by special guest Kyle Bethea.

If you're in Chicago, check out Kyle in Three Actors Living in a Cave, performed at Logan Square Improv. Finally, Improv, just a short walk from farmer's markets, amateur letterpress postcards, and mandolin music. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode where a magic spell makes it so Arnie, Chunt, and Usador have to do all their own sound effects. Or what I call Garrett Schultz gets lazy. I love drinking jam. Hya! Pshhh! That's somebody else's problem to clean up?

Oh, when I broke it, it sounded like, uh, it sounded like your voice a little bit. Uh, Onnie, was that you? Did you make the sound of the glass breaking? No, I didn't. Chunt, did you make the sound of the glass breaking? I don't think so. I certainly didn't do Chunt, did you make the sound of the glass breaking? I don't think so. I certainly didn't do it. Screech!

I think there's something wrong with the sound here in Foon. Fart. Arnie. Arnie. What? Was that you? No, they don't think so. That had your name all over it.

I declare that we should go on a quest. A quest to find whatever magical- Fart. Chunt. Oh Chunt. That was Arnie. No it wasn't me. that we should go on a quest, a quest to find whatever magical- Fart? Chunt. Chunt. That was Arnie. No, it wasn't me. It sounded very similar.

Well, I think we should go on a quest to find whoever has affected the sound here in Foon. Fart. And I won't rest until fart. I've found the person who has caused the sound to be so strange. Fart. He's crop Dustin. To hear the rest and it's very similar to what you just heard and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash Magic Tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young and Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. In the first half of the 20th century, one woman changed adoption in America. What was once associated with the shame of unmarried mothers became not only acceptable but fashionable. But Georgia Tann didn't help families find new homes out of the goodness of her heart.

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