Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 6 - Tom the War King (w/ Steve Waltien)

Episode Date: April 22, 2024

Can a visit with King Tomblain Belaroth help in the War on Wizards?CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiTomblain Belaroth: Steve WaltienMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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That's pretty much what our narrative arc looks like, but stare at it long enough while relaxing your eyes and I'm told you may see a dolphin. And while you're doing that, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp. I'm not evil. I swear that wasn't always there. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into

the magical fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift that I used to upload a podcast currently being recorded in Northeastia, the capital of the Northeast, as we're waiting to see King Tom Blaine Belleroth. Northeasty boys! Ah, Arnie, I know that we have the Wanderlost circling the castle to pick us up, but I must admit to you, I know you haven't introduced myself or Chunt yet, but I'm... Is this all my fault?

Should I have allowed the wizards to remain immortal? Now they're each becoming warlords of their own areas of food causing this. There's a wizard war coming and we must get the help of King Belaroth. It's our only chance of surviving. Oh Ysera, come here buddy. No, no, no, no, no. Shhh, shh, shh. You're not responsible for the wow. War on wizards. Everyone's calling it wow. No, okay. I like that. Buddy, no, hey, buddy, this isn't your fault. You stood up for what you believe in and we back you, don't we Arnie? Exactly. And look, we've all made mistakes. If we focus on all the mistakes we've collectively made,

look, we just got to keep moving forward like a shark with little introspection. Okay. Like a shark with little introspection. Okay. We're here, we're going to pitch to our old friend, now king, Tom Blaine Belaroth, joining forces with us to fight the wizards. We're going to fix everything. But a lot rides on this meeting. Yeah, Ysidor, you did everything right. We love you, okay?

We back you, and we're going to get through this, okay? We're going to get through this, wow. Yes we're gonna we're gonna get through this. Okay, we're gonna get through this Wow Yes, it would be great to get through this. It would have been even better if the two of you dressed up Well, let me shift There we go. That's me better Arnie. This is what I almost always wear. I know Look, I brought some visual aids I brought this easel and this poster board, like, so that he can visualize it. Have you guys all practiced your parts of the pitch?

I have mine memorized. Ahem. Thank you so much for an audience. Now to the pitch deck. And then of course Ysidor comes in with his index cards. Mm-hmm. Has this ever happened to you? Ysador, has this ever happened to you? King Balaroth, has this ever happened to you? Have you ever caused all of the other wizards to lose their immortality, as well as your

own immortality, and then had to fight a war against your own brethren? Oh shit, somebody's coming, somebody's coming. Oh fuck. Are you here to see the king? Yes, we are. Thank you so much. Your name is? Clef. What? Clef? Clef? Clef. Clef. Clef? Clef.

You'll notice that I'm a grasshopper. Oh, first thing we know. Yes. Follow me. Follow me. Hold on, we can't keep up with you. You're moving very fast. You're such big leaps.

That's not a praying mantis. I don't know, it's a green bug. Also, that was not the first thing I noticed about him. What's up with that hat? What? Oh, you'll notice that I'm a grasshopper in a hat. Yeah, it's like a, is that a dandelion or? It is a flower of my choosing.

Of course. Very good hat. He doesn't know what kind of flower it is. He doesn't know. Somebody put it on there and he can't get it off because they don't have hands. You still chose it. You still chose it.

Announcing. What are your names? Oh, I'm Arnie. Arnie Knee Camp. I'm from another world. Greatest warrior in all of Foon. I'm not evil. Announcing Arnie Knee Camp.

From another world. The greatest warrior in all of Foon. Not evil. I'm Chunt. Shapeshifter, but usually a badger. Announcing Chunt. A shapeshifter, but usually a badger. Andouncing Chunt, a shapeshifter, but usually a badger. Nail?

And I, of course, am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of magical delights, Devourer of chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trocus, Known to the elves as Fianyellok, Known to the dwarves as Zerun,

Who Extenges and known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Maystar, but I may have many other secret names that I don't wish to announce here. Announcing... Yusodar, wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakas. The elves know him as Fee Angelic, dwarves know him as Zonin Hukstunji, and he's known

in the northeast as Gas manias may star and there may be other secret names that you do not know yes yes enough my friends ignore the grasshopper come in it's hard to ignore the grasshopper come I'm beset with the Wow Oh our apologies our apologies, your majesty. Uh, we do not wish to burden thee further, but we have come here today to ask a great boon of thee, Chunt. Yes, speaking of the wow, war on wizards, has this ever happened to you? Oh, fuck.

Shepard, it's an easel. Thank you for having. Gather yourself in chairs. What I need now is to not speak of the war, but to speak of friendships. This table is crowded with the very things that make a war. The figurines that represent my soldiers, my battlements, my very creatures that spread all throughout Foon, as well as the last known position of every wizard and this Starbucks cup.

Wow. How'd that get in there? Whoa, so wait, according to this table with the figurines, you only have 15 giant men out there? Oh, sorry. The giant men represent a battalion. And each battalion has one man. So how big is the man? Well there are different sizes, but each man represents a battalion and a battalion is a company of one

So just count up the number of these battalions You'll know the more important thing is finding out where the Wizards are hiding. Yes, which is why we've asked audience with you King it's so good to see you. You look great by the way We wanted to have a bit of a pitch session with you. You, sir? Indeed. Bring some sweet pitch. Each one of you, my friends, will

have a cup of sweet pitch with me, and we may forget our cares. You know that my co-queen is in the Highlands. And I'm left here to manage the war by myself the last thing I want to speak of is matters of state Come regale me with what what what has brought you great joy of late Ah the pitch Enjoy this pitch it comes directly from trees we squeeze it This pitch it comes directly from trees we squeeze it

The bottom of my lip here and Get all the flavor out. Ah Let's have a good old-fashioned pitch session shall we? Indeed indeed yes, it's very um What is that texture how would you that? I'd say it's, uh, tacky. Well, I think it's in wonderful taste. You know, when you reach a certain level, it's hard to know what is tacky and what isn't. I'm a king now, so everything's gold, and at first I thought, well, that's a bit tacky, isn't it? But really, it needs to be because, and this was explained to me, that you want to project a kingly image for everyone that's around,

and you don't want anybody to come to the palace, especially now that we need to recruit all kinds of troops and things, and think, oh, he's not much of a king, is he? Yeah. Oh, yeah, can I just say, a tacky king is so gauche. Oh, it's gauche. Yes Yes, so what we do is we cover everything in gold and that seems to do it, you know Yes, you've recruited upwards of

15 soldiers it seems well. Yes each one of these men represents a battalion Yes, but the battalion is made up of a single soldier. Am I correct in...am I understand...am I following that? Well, yes. These are the battalion soldiers. So all of these are from battalions. And each... I'm from a battalion!

Sorry, I can't hear you. Oh, okay. That's offensive. That's offensive. Yeah. I thought it was the last one we could do. Well, no. Look, I mean, I wouldn't say that in front of a battalion.

Okay. And so that's sort of a litmus test for knowing, you know, because they're not all like that. Arnie, a litmus test is a test where if you fail it you have to, actually you must add it to your list. So let me take out my little list here. Okay. Don't do battalion accents. Thank you for that, King. I appreciate it. Your Highness, you know, I hate to focus on your war table. I know you wanted to talk about other things

But what are all these figures on here that are just like sort of sad faces? What do those represent? Well, I like to as you know, I'm a former actor and I like to represent I'm a former actor and I like to represent dramatically how we're doing in the battle. And so I have various emotional faces that I apply to the map. There's a key right here and you can read all this and this is how sad I'm feeling today. Is this the key to the books that explain the table? There's a box behind you with a lock on it. Use the key, go into the box. That's where the books are that explain the key to the map.

It's really quite simple. But also... Oh, there's a compass rose. Oh, sorry, the compass rose is shining a light on the books. I see. Oh, okay. Sorry, King, you were saying? Yes, I'm saying that in addition to the map, let me open the curtain.

Look at this. We are in the highest room in Northeastern, from which you can see the battlefields stretching out before us. See, each one of these battalion men represents a real battalion that you can see out there in the fields, if you could look far enough enough if you had the eyes of a bird look there's your guards those grasshoppers look like ants from up here look at that yes no those are my grasshoppers that that that their man-sized grasshoppers that I've gotten to serve me but there are still many things I need to wage this war I wish someone would come and give me a

Plan a way to move forward, but the fact of the matter is gents I don't want to talk about the war with you. I want to talk about friendship Yes, of course. I'll do it. Oh, yeah, pitch up drink down your pitch To the greatest of ships Yes Of course friendship is why we came here today. Just to crush a cup with thee and to speak of old times and better times. Well, but you know, if we want friendship to last,

isn't that a thing that's worth fighting for? Wow. Indeed. I'll tell you, friendship and a good glass of pitch is all I need in life. I mean, I'm surrounded by issues. I've got the problem with Trachia Aurelia. I've got this wizard war, you know. I've got my council breathing down my neck. I've got 99 problems, but a pitch ain't one. So you're having problems with your sister. Hit me!

But I can't do a battalion accent. Well, it depends. Context is everything. Yeah. So your sister, she's gone to the Highlands. I assume, is this by your doing? Have you sent her there or tried to trick away so you can have some peace and quiet around here for a change?

I tried to send her away. Any chance I get. She's... Well, you know, she was trying to kill me for many years. Did you know that? Oh yeah. Yeah. I just found that out.

We actively saw her try to kill you. But you know it's hard to tell when someone's your sister. It's almost like you know them too well and they try to kill you and you think you know what's she doing there now you know? But it really was. It was lethal. And now I just want to sit back with my bros, have a pitch sesh. Yes, oh my gosh, can I just say, what you described,

imagine if your sister was a bunch of wizards, right? And she's just like trying to kill you and she's like annoying. Like what, how could we, how could we overcome that, Ysidor? Have you ever, have you ever caused all your wizard brethren to lose their immortality and then, Sister, who's it? Next card here. You put one half of a sentence on each card, Ysidor? He's holding so many cards.

Gasminis, why are you reading cards rather than relating to me in the moment? I see what's happening here. You do? Yes. You, like everyone else around me, wants to talk about the war. I'm afraid you found us out. It's the very reason we came. We did want to speak to you about the war, but it's because...well, we're so integral to it. I am the one that caused the wizards to lose their immortality and to declare wizard law. When I helped them devise their very concept of wizard law, I assumed we would never be mad enough to actually put it into action I assumed

it was just a fallback position if something really terrible happened wait hold on a usador I hate to interrupt uh-huh are you saying that you devised wizard law originally oh yeah oh definitely yeah I'm just saying well all the wizards he were saying this isn't his fault, it's her. I'm just saying. All the wizards. He were saying this isn't his fault, but it's more and more seeming like it is his fault. All the wizards agreed if anything so terrible should ever happen, that we felt like we were losing control of Foon, that we could declare wizard law. But even when the Dark Lord was at his very height of power, we didn't declare wizard law. And now they lose their immortality

and they've declared wizard law, in my mind, illegally because they're doing it for their own self- You keep saying they, Gazmuinus, but are you not a wizard yourself? I am, but outcast from my very brethren am I. Oh, and my sisters too have churned their back on me. I and all wizards, of all genders and non-gendered wizards, have all decided that I am unworthy to stand amongst them. No longer am I part of their order. Oh buddy. So even though your background is a wizarding background, you don't necessarily act like a wizard.

Chunt, I think you could learn something about battalions. Don't do the voice. Now, that you've brought this foul subject around. Yeah. There is something I must ask you, Gus Minus. Oh, we should take a quick break. Oh, for that dad shit. You, Sidore, you really fucking up our flow here.

What do you mean? Was that on the cards? It was on the cards. It was on the cards. Yeah, okay. We'll be right back. No, you're right. Let's take a break and have some pitch. And forget about the war altogether. In such poor taste. Oh, oh, terrible. This is all his fault.

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Oh, I love Pitch. It's really good, isn't it this is aged pitch. Yes. It's it's really has a such a It's a handsome flavor. It's so thick It turns white and flaky on the top right? Oh, that's a good pitch Viscous very viscous. Yeah viscous. Yes, very viscous. Oh, it's good to be with old friends again, I'll tell you, because you can't trust anyone. Tom Blaine, if I may, you are one of my oldest friends in all of Foon, you know. I met you way back in the second episode of this show and we've been following your progress all the way to being

king and you are first and always a friend. Second, second episode. So second and always friend. Yeah, second and always a friend. So if you need anything from us as good buds, Yeah. we're always gonna be there for you and selflessly. Like we don't have like a hidden agenda of something we need from you,

especially now that you are very powerful in this world. Ah, yes, yes, yes. Uh, yes. And we reminisce about these things. Uh, do you remember when we first met you and you, uh, you were in disguise? And we saw through, I saw through your disguise. And, uh, do you remember that? Many years ago, gents, so much has changed.

Each of us walking our own paths. I've been a spy, I've been an author, I've been a lady, I've been many things. I've been a series of bats. Oh yeah, and there's that guy I want to say, Kref, Kreep, Kreep, what was his name? Someone help me, what was his name? It's not ringing a bell. Anyway, We've been through many different adventures together. Oh, Crefnan! Oh, Crefnan!

He's one of my favorite short story writers. Dead, I'm afraid. Yeah, Crefnan. Oh no, Crefnan died? It's Oh Crefnan. Oh, oh, Crefnan died. Oh, Crefnan died, yes. Oh, oh, Crefnan died.

Yes, oh Crefnan. But what about Crefnan? Who's Crefnan? The author, oh Crefnan. Oh, do you know what? I think I had a surprise. I think I had a surprise. I think I had a surprise. I think I had a surprise. I think I Oh Creffin. Oh, do you know what I think I had a servant named Creffin in once?

I hope he's doing well. Yes. I believe that's right Do you remember the time you wrote a book? Yeah Remember remember the time when I think we're all in like a cave doing you were doing the bat dance and Arnie did the bat dance or something and Arnie became king for a minute, remember that? That was an accident. That was funny. Ah, it's fun to think about these things and pause for a minute. This is a clip show, right? Oh shit, we should do a clip show.

Arnie, are we doing clips? It would be a lot less of a burden for us to get an episode out, although we'd have to collect the clips then. Ah, what I remember is when you came upon me in the library. Oh, sorry, I didn't know that someone was over there while I was masturbating. Yes, that was a good time, wasn't it? Thank God we clipped that scene. It's like the only audio clip that we always have handy

I can't believe we haven't used it yet Arnie come on bad choice of words handy, but it's interesting that you bring up the cave Arnaud oh Because it's Arnie you did become king for a moment didn't you well just for like a second? It was just for a second for like a goof? Well, just for like a second, it was an accident. Just for a second. Yeah, for like a goof. Yeah, it's not all that serious. And hey, keeping with the clip show, remember when that grasshopper knew all of Usador's names?

I am Usador, wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, master of lighting shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of trackers, the elves, Gnomius, Fjellik, the dwarves, Gnomius, Onin, Hoog, Stenji's. And why am I doing this in the first person? He is Ysidorf. Fuck. Oh, so he'd been practicing, I see. Didn't remember it exactly like that.

It's funny how you remember it one way and then hearing it back, it's a little different. Well that's why it's so fun to have a clip show because there's no way to go back You have to actually see it. Oh, yes, that is fun. Wait a minute if you did become king swoon's Could he be a threat to me? What? Yes. I see it now Tom Don't you do this one crazy crazy dog call me? He's able to take the throne from me Why is he walking over and talking to that tapestry fist?

against him indeed Alone I must rule North Eastia else the Wizards will close in yes Arnie is a threat to me and therefore I must clutch my dagger close, but they mustn't know. Friends! Hahaha! He's leaving pauses as if the tapestry was talking back. Uh oh, who was your friend over there?

Excuse me? You said Zwoonz, and then you talked to a tapestry? Oh, Zwoonz. A typical, you know, a typical curse. Ah, I'm drunk on pitch. Usador? Uh, yes? Yes, I'm drunk on pitch. Usador. Yes? The time has come for me to ask the question that you must know that I have to ask.

Okay, well, I didn't wanna talk about me and Linda, but during the break between seasons, we had a quick affair. What was she? You'll never say. Gosh. She was the dream of a unicorn, and was never meant to be. She was non-c a unicorn, and uh, was never meant to be. Uh, we- she was non-corpoyal and uh-

Well don't tell us! Boop boop boop boop boop boop boop. Sorry, I'm finishing the rest of the pitch. Does anyone mind? I actually grew a taste for it. Go go go go go go go! You- you were going to ask me about Linda, right? No, but I'm glad that you shared such a vulnerable story. No. I need to ask you about a delicate subject. Gasmoinus.

Yes? I must know the secrets of wizard cum. Oh, anything else. Ask me anything else, your majesty, and I shall surely share. I know it's well guarded, but if I am to win this war, I must master wizard cum.

Chunt, are you hearing what I'm hearing? Yeah. This is amazing. Chunt and Arnie might not know what this is. I have read ancient tomes and grimoires that there is a spell, a summoning spell called wizard cum, wherein some incantation will bring a wizard from any location into the location of our choosing.

Ysidor, Casmanus, my old friend, is Wizard Cum real? It's true, it can be difficult to make a Wizard Cum, but- I knew it! The first thing you have to do is stand in the G-spot. One. Oh, it's in the fields, right? You've talked about the wizard cum fields, or shortened, I guess.

WC? That's right. You must stand in the G-spot. And then, you must think. Think about anything except making the wizard cum. Two. And sustain that for as long as you can. And that way, if you don't focus on making the wizard come, you might have a chance of

making the wizard come. You don't have to warm up before the spell in any way? Oh yeah, you have to. Well, if you're standing on a G-spot, you want to make sure you're standing there tall and erect. Interesting. And the G-spot is... Don't slouch.

It's the most important spot in the ground. And it is located? Well, you gotta find it. Is it in the WC fields? Okay. Yeah, you gotta find it. It's not the easiest thing to find. He doesn't know.

Do you ever think about mittens when you're trying to come? Yeah, if you're standing there tall and erect on the G-spot, you think about mittens. Don't think about making the wizard come. And if you think about middens, you're really focused. Does anyone else think this sounds a bit like sex? I'm sorry? How so?

No, it's just all the things that we're saying, they sound a bit like sex. I didn't turn into a rack of ribs or? No, maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just me. I'm not hearing it. Last one. Last one.

Okay, I shouldn't laugh at that. But... Oh my god, that is a good battalion accent. Well, if there's a way... Show me the G-spot on this map. Let me move the man in the little boat. Well, I think... I think it's roughly...

Well, your two fingers are just kind of circling one area. A lot. Yeah, it's... I mean, it's around well your two fingers are just kind of circling one area a lot. Yes, and it's a it's around here Hey, you're doing a come hither motion with your two fingers on the map. We could be like hundreds of miles I mean like yeah, it's it's there somewhere for sure Well, we're going to have to find it and I'm going to have to find Arnie's loyalty For if he were to threaten my throne's wounds, I must have him. Back to the tapestry.

I must. A half poison is the way. Yes, foul pitch thrown at just the right time. Arnie! Yo, yeah? Tom! Good friend. Good buddy. Another glass of pitch? No thank you. I've had my fill of pitch. Oh.

I'll have some. Come on, pitch. No, thank you. I've had my fill of pitch. Oh. I'll have some. Come on, pitch. What? Don't... Don't be a little pitch. Oh, is that- is that 22 ounces of pitch? Don't be a 22 ounce pitch. Come on.

Wait, hold on. I know what that means. You're trying to murder me. Oh... Well, listen. Yes, I do remember when you were a cup, when you were a 22 ounce cup, and yes, I've buried many knives in you. Knives like this one, hold this for a second.

Arnie, that went through your hand into your stomach. You gotta catch knives. I know, my hand is stuck to my stomach now. It's kind of comforting in a weird way, but I mean, the knife part is not. The knife part feels really bad, but kind of having my hand stuck to my stomach now. It's kind of comforting in a weird way. But I mean, the knife part is not. The knife part feels really bad. But kind of having my hand stuck to my stomach is, ah, it's kind of relaxing.

Who can I count on? What? Who is loyal to me? Chunt? Yeah, I'll do whatever you need, buddy. Guess, Weenis? Of course, your majesty. You're a wizard.

How can I trust a wizard? How can I trust a badger? How can I trust one who would take my throne from me? Well, you shouldn't trust anyone that's gonna try to take your throne from you, of course. From his own lips. From the lips of the man who would do it. Indeed. So my friend is my enemy now, is he? What? No. Uh, uh?

No, no, no, no, Your Majesty. Arnie just means if someone were going to take your throne, say someone who, you know, also did the bat dance, in the cave, they would be someone who was primed to take your throne. In fact, there may be factions already at work proclaiming that person to be king, undermining your very legitimate claim to the throne.

That reminds me, I've been getting a lot of mail from Benedict Whisperbrew. I haven't really opened any of it yet, but he seems to want to get in contact with me about something. Factions. Arnie, you may not know it, but you are the cat's paw of a faction

that would try to destabilize North Whisper. Arnie is terrible at factions. He can't do math at all. Yeah, but I like being a cat's paw. Let me give you this denominator. I will give you a head start of three days. And after that, you will face my blade. Ah, please, let's de-escalate this conversation here. Yeah, thanks to your blade, is he going to send his main vampire killer after me?

Let's enjoy some nice pitch, and this time let's not each get our own cup. Let's have a whole pitcher. Fine. A pitcher of pitch, please. Oh, and, uh, your majesty, I would be willing- Pitch, please. Oh, he's talking back to the staff come on pitch please

Really giving it to that grasshopper your your majesty I'd also be willing to drink some feel tea to prove my loyalty to you Oh, yes, if you drink the field tea it bonds you to me it binds you to me in fact Oh, yes a pitcher of field tea, it bonds you to me, it binds you to me in fact. Oh. Yes, a pitcher of feel tea please. Oh, whoops. I'm sorry. You're going to be all bound up.

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and begs the question, is this young artist the victim of a witch hunt or a silver-tongued devil who's evil to the core? Listen to Murder on My Mind exclusively and ad free on Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Chunt, Ysidor, did I do something to upset Tom? He seemed to...I mean, look, he stabbed me many times in the past and I didn't take it personally,

but he seems to be upset with me for some reason. Yeah, I just brought up a hypothetical scenario where someone else had done the Bat Dance in the Batcave and so I could undermine the legitimacy of his claim to the throne. And I mean, I didn't really think this through, but I suppose you actually have done that. Yeah, I mean, I didn't really think this through, but I suppose you actually have done that. Yeah, I mean, I was accidentally king briefly,

but I said I didn't want to do it, and so he and his sister are king. I'm pretty sure that was a couple of years ago, but when that happened, we did say it's good to be the king, right? We must have. We must have. We must have.

Probably said it several times, not hearing one another doing it. Oh, I have an idea. This is a clip show, right? Mm-hmm. Hey, King, remember that time in the cave where, Not hearing one another doing it. Oh, I have an idea. This is a clip show, right? Mm-hmm. Hey King Remember that time in the in the cave where I think we got it wrong Arnie didn't do the bat dance Arnie why are you just standing there not doing the bat dance because I would never do that to a dear friend Oh Arnie, you'll never be king that way, which is great. It's good to not be the king

It would be good to be the king, no one else said that. It would be good to be the king. No, it would be good to be the king. It would be good to be the king, for sure. It would be good to be the king. Mm-hmm. Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. I don't remember it that way.

Oh? That's the way these episodes go. But that was a real clip, wasn't it? I think so. Strange. It's a clip show. I mean, you did hear the whoop, whoop, whoop, didn't you? Yes.

Well, it was hard for me to tell if that was Chunt finishing off his pitch or if it was the whoop whoop whoop of the dream going back. Memory is unreliable. Perhaps this has finally put this to rest. Well, I think memory may be unreliable, but this clip show isn't. I mean certainly everyone remembers the first time that Arnie and Chunt kissed. Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop. This clip show is entering, certainly everyone remembers the first time that Arnie and Chunt kissed. Whoop whoop whoop. Okay Chunt, we're about to go in and talk to King Belaroth. Yeah? I'll start the episode in just a minute, but it'll really calm my nerves before we go in

and pitch this wow reunion. It's happening, it's Chunt, it's happening, it's happening. If you would just kiss me just a little bit, but like a friend kiss. But like a little bit of an edge, but a friend kiss mostly. I'm just the badger next door. Okay, yeah, with just a hint of possibility. Eyes open or close? Mm, one of each.

Teeth or no teeth? Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. That clip goes on for so long. Oh, that's a good clip, because I can remember the first time I imagined the two of you kissing. Whoop, whoop, whoop, who whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop! Ah, well, off to bed then for me.

Wait! Before you go to bed, King, would you like a little show? Oh, Chunt, what are you doing here? Oh nothing. Tugs on leash? Come in here, bad boy. Arnie? I'm here too. This is my Arnie Necamp impression.

Incredible. Cor blimey. Would you like it if we cut a hole in his tapestry and kiss through the whole king? But enough about my fantasy life. Huh. That was not what I was expecting going on in your mind. Wild. Well, Your Majesty, your proclivities aside, you see now that there's no reason to be upset with Arnie and give him a three day head start before you try to kill him. There's no threat to your claim to the throne. I mean, other than, I guess, potentially your sister

who's always been trying to kill you Indeed the only threat would be if someone had tried to tamper with my memory and why would they do that? Why would someone insert something that wasn't supposed to be there? What the fuck is this Starbucks cup doing on my table? Arnie the star the Starbucks is a stag that races across the night sky, helping to carry the stars from one end of Foon to the other so that the entire land can share in the light and glistening and magic of the stars. Have you heard of this? No shit, Chunt.

Everyone knows what a Starbucks is. The question is, why is it on my war table except as an omen? An omen to tell me that something is amiss. And I think that miss is a mister. A Mr. Arnie Knee Camp. Oh, uh, Arnie, quick, kiss me. Um, okay, but here's the thing. It's mostly friend kiss, but just a hint of possibility, okay?

Okay, when I open when I close, okay? Looks weirder than I thought it would even would. Yeah Please don't draw that. Yep, please fans. Don't draw this I don't know what to do with my hands Close your eyes. Sorry. I think I'm pushing the dagger in deeper. Oh yeah, that's right. No one is taking this dagger out. When you wait nine years for something and then it happens, it's either the show will get better from here or this is just the end. This is sort of... I think we know the answer. I think it's finally happened. So many people have been waiting and here it is twice twice in one episode

King what were you doing? You kind of your eyes glazed over for a minute. What's that? Oh, sorry? It is hard running a wow, you know, I mean Yes, I assume it takes quite a toll on the year Well, I have all sorts of tinctures and ointments and potions that could help your endurance during this time, help you feel fresher and awake, ready to take on the challenges of preparing for an all-out war against the wizards. Yeah, throw it in the pitch. Throw some tincture in my pitch. Okay, here's a little hey can I ask

you something yeah have you have you heard people calling it wo w1 yes I I'm afraid I have well why do they do that well if the prophecy comes to pass there shall be a second wo w oh thank god oh so you're saying this could be a multi-season thing. Yes, and certainly- So you're not the wizard to end all wars. It's, it's, yes, some people would say it's the great W.O.W. and some more forward thinking have decided to number them.

But oh, help us all if W.W.O.3 ever comes to pass. Well, but I mean, why are we certain there's gonna be a WWO2? I mean, let's just have this one and finish it, you know? Let's not make, like, a fucked up treaty at the end that basically just puts it on pause for 10 or 15 years and then come back to it. And, you know, let's just really, like, finish it so that we don't leave the seeds of an aggrieved party

Should then abuse the Alliance again. Do you know what I'm saying? Can we at least all agree that if we get if you know goddesses forbid we get to a WW4 or something that number just starts to feel ridiculous. Can we then just get rid of the number and do something like WW origins or WW the quickening like just sort of spice it up a little bit Can I just say can we what can we not just do so let's say we've done six of them And then they just decide to drop the numbers entirely and then the new one is just called WW as if that's confusing Nothing ever happened. You know I'm saying me you can't call it the very same thing, no matter how many years have gone by.

And it's not enough to call it V.W.O.V.W. because that's also just as confusing. No, it's the same. No, it's the same. I disagree. I feel like if all of FUN is wiped out and then magically a new population arises, then I feel like we could restart at w.o.w Like it's just like it's a complete a complete refund. Yeah, it's completely new civilians completely new Magical creatures then I think if there's any continuity at all you have to use numbers So you have to slightly change the name we should have at least some legacy warriors in there Like maybe they die early in the war, but just like to get a little taste of the original warriors.

Does it feel to you like we're talking about sex? Yeah, very much so this time. Yeah, because yeah, at first I thought we were talking about the wars and numbering them. But then the more the details that we filled in, they felt like the details that apply to sex. I agree, because I know everything about sex. I know what it is. Oh, I know a ton about it. No, I do too. Oh, same. Basically, I'm basically an expert in sex.

Oh, that happens, yeah. No, no, no. I'd say sex expert minimum. Ernie, I'd say sex expert, but I know you said somebody else already took that. Oh, Your Majesty, I forgot to mention this before. I know this seems like a bit of a non sequitur, but You weren't we were recording the beginning of this episode before we were ushered into your chamber here by prayer and I believe right at the very beginning of this episode Arnie said I'm not evil

Yeah, so does that put your mind at ease no really what doesn't no why would someone say that right I think that good should be a pure assumption and yet Arnie feels the need to say he's not evil yeah I kind of thought the same thing it is it was an odd thing to say yeah it was an odd thing to say but's not evil. Yeah, I kind of thought the same thing. It is weird. It was an odd thing to say. Yeah, it was an odd thing to say. But I was hoping that you would think it was a very normal thing to say. Well, at first I thought, well, it's something, it's a carryover from the previous episode. It's referencing something that I don't understand. But now that you've called attention to it, it seems a bit more out of the blue.

Yeah, yeah. And I don't mean out of a blue wizard. I mean out of the clear blue sky. Yeah. And I don't mean out of a blue wizard. I mean out of the clear blue sky, which we can see all around us because we're at an amazing height. Oh, Arnie. Oh, he just put another knife in your other hand. Oh, guys. How do you like two knife hands? Both of my hands are stuck to my belly like some cheap figurine.

Here, give me these knives. I couldn't even afford the hands to go out. What? Give me these knives. Here, and I'm gonna hit you with the healing rock. Ugh. Oh. Ow.

All right, at least I'm not bleeding anymore. Gasminis. Yes. Kill Arnie. What? What? I command you as your, to show your loyalty, and you have drank the loyalty, to kill Arnie. What?

And use Chunt to do it. Huh? What? What? I've stabbed Arnie with Chunt. Oh no. Oh, this is also something the fans have always wanted to see. Yusor, should we do it? Should we do the speed ball?

Come on, bub. Toss me. Throw me as hard as you can. Guys! No! This colossus ends here! wanted to see. Yusor, should we do it? Should we do the speed ball? Come on, bub. Toss me. Throw me as hard as you can. Guys! No. This colossus ends here. I say this unto thee, your majesty, if you do not trust Arnie, who I trust above all

others, for I have plans upon plans. Plans that have been set in motion for years, years in the making, that you shall ne'er understand. You must trust me. No, I saw it. They kissed. No. No, you must trust me. You must trust the wizards. That's been set in motion for years and they did it. That's not it. That's not what I've been doing. Look, your majesty.

Yes? If you trust me as a pure force of magic brought into this world, as a champion of goodness and light, then you will not make me do this thing. And if you command me to do it, then beware the consequences. Wait, did your... what did your voice just do? Beware! Oh, that's unsettling. I feel like this pitch isn't going as well as it could.

That's unsettling. I think the pitch is delicious. I think it's you who's not going as well as it could. That's unsettling. I think the pitch is delicious. I think it's you who's not going as well as he could. And you sir, I should say, um, if you threw me and we killed Arnie, I was okay with that because we could just clip show him back to life, right? Wouldn't that be like a funny games to just like rewind and like clip show him back to life?

Hold chunt. I must have an answer from this king. Do you wish me to kill Arnie or do you believe that the Goddesses have a greater plan? I trust you, Gasmoenus, but I cannot trust him and so he shall face my blade. Whoa, that's a much bigger sword. Yeah, it was the king's sword. It's the king's sword. This is the king's sword. That is nice. That is a nice sword.

So, you don't fuck around with it. It's the king's sword. It was my... Can I see it? You can hold it in your hand. Arnie, what are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? You literally just walked into it. Shut up!

Grab my sleeve. Arnie, grab my other sleeve. Okay. What? And here we go! You're really coming out the window? Oh, his wizard sleeves are slowing us down. A phrase I didn't think I'd say.

We are really high up. Mystical armor of Bekler-Gelling. Transform now into a giant silver hawk. I mean, I can also turn into a hawk. If that's needed. I changed my arm into a giant hawk. Do you also want to be a hawk? We can- we have two hawks. That's fine. Oh this starmer is so tight around me.

Just ride on the hawk. We've got a hawk. We're good. Hey fuck you, King! Fuck you! I feel like they could have gone better. I feel like they could have gone a lot better. Arnie I am so sorry that I put you in harm's way. Whatever happens, whatever transpires now and moving forward, you must remain safe.

Arnie we'll protect you, okay? We've taken some time off to train for this. I mean, we're ready to protect you and you sir, Arnie and I are ready to protect you. Guys, Tom and I are good friends. Besides you two, he's my oldest friend in all of food. Like, he'll get over it. He's no longer our ally. Arnie, look up. He's riding that tapestry down towards us. What? He's riding the tapestry towards us. Here I come, motherfuckers. Oh no. How is he? How does he have a flying tapestry it's a whole new

world well I don't know if it's magical he's just on it and falling yeah he's falling pretty much directly straight down little help please oh fuck we can't let him die he still leads the greatest army in all of food although we have a look at that table it's not as impressive as I thought it was gonna be. Yeah, right? Right, fine. I'll use a Mage Hand to push him back up into the castle. And I'll turn! Oh, god damn it. I bet that reminded him of sex too.

Guys, I was hoping that we were gonna spend like five or six episodes in Northeastia, catch up with all the people we know in Northeastia, but it seems like we gotta get this shit out of here. Yes. Quickly. Here, into the Wanderlust. And away! Who says we're not willing to steal plot points directly from the Dungeons and Dragons movie. Not me! Usado the Wizard, Gravity Defying Sleeves and All was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. King Tom Blaine Belleroth was played by Steve Waltine.

Steve is a Peabody Award-winning writer for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, but more importantly creator and star of a new series of educational YouTube videos, Yoga for Gangly Men. Do your strangely angular elbows pose a real threat to your fellow matmates? Does your downward dog look like a flamingo fighting itself? Let Steve's Vermont-infused confidence help you get out of your head and back on the mat. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like…

Stefan, Tina, Charlie Monroe, Emmanuel G, Brendan Kelly, Zach Dewoodie, Zach Stosch, Christopher Mills, Isaac Sherman, Anne Mett, Kenji Davis, Nikki Pizarro, Daniel B, Devin Rosnack, Moose, William Gillis, Erik Lancaster, Justin Miller, Martin Zastrow, Troy Williams, Alexis C.F., Fabio from Vienna, Jonas Rosborg Rosendahl of Denmark, I feel like I should wait for a Trumpet fanfare. Did we need the entire title, Jonas? You're supporting a Patreon, not swearing your loyalty to Elrond. And finally, Michael K.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog, including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the latest bonus episode where Arnie Chunt and Yuzador try to understand the Earth comic strip, Apartment 3G. Alright, I was told we would run out of meaningful topics at some point and today may be the day. Here's the clip. Yeah and the guy's name is Lunchbag and the comic is titled, um, The Order. And we also see him at work but there's no words and we just see him accumulating

Money to spend on a sandwich that he'll eventually buy can I say and I mean this sincerely When you said his name is lunch bag, I slowly am starting to like this idea now like why am I liking it? Yeah, but I'm a guy named lunch bag and it just his order and like lunch or like a lunch focused comic Yes kind of into this now, right? What's one thing? People have to do every day eat lunch. Mm-hmm You don't have to you get to do we think Wilbur and Wendell this manuscript is another stupid comic like This like a comic within the comic?

Oh, that's a good idea. Has anyone ever done that on Earth, Arnie? I don't know. Meta stuff? Not a good idea, Matt. To hear the rest, if you must, and to learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp,

Matt Young, and Adol Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate Producer, Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Anna Haverman. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Ah, they're gone. And now it's just me, remembering all the wonderful times we had together. Like this one. Yeah. And that one. Yup, they've been some really good times.

But when all is said and done, I'm still gonna have to hunt him down and kill him. More pitch please. You got it. Arnie, should we kiss while drinking pitch? Sure. Yeah. Do it. Do it. Get him. Get him. while drinking pitch sure yeah your majesty are you are you ready for me to

go out into the field yet oh yes Fabrizio thank you so much wait there's two battalions yes sir hey what are you doing that's. All right, you two. Get out in the field and kiss. When you hear your loyalty, yes, sir. Boo. Boo. Stupid. Stupid. Business can mean a lot of things.

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