Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 60 - Abomination (w/ Sandeep Parikh)

Episode Date: June 16, 2025

Salkataur the Abomination was created to destroy a demon king. But what does he do now?CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSal: Sandeep ParikhMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Check out our upcoming LIVE SHOWS!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Looking for the ultimate online casino experience? Step into the BedMGM Casino app, where every deal, spin and gold brings Las Vegas excitement into the palm of your hand. Take your seat at Premium Blackjack Pro, where strategy meets top-tier gameplay. Drop in on the exciting Sugar Rush and Crazy Time slot games, or play the dazzling MGM Grand Emerald Nights, a slot experience that captures the magic of MGM. With so many games, it's time to make your move. Download the app and visit BedMGM Ontario today to experience the next level of gaming.

Visit BedMGM.com for terms and conditions. 19 plus to wager, Ontario only. Please, gamble responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. I'm John Robbins, and joining me on How Do You Coke this week is the comedian, writer, and broadcaster Pierre Novelli. The real way you learn to cope is you just have to eat it and suffer. You just have to

go, I hate this, but I'll just deal with it. And that is a thing a lot of autistic people learn to do because they don't know that anyone else is not having this experience. So they think, well, we're all here gritting our teeth because of how much we hate this environment and they don't realize no one else is. So that's how do you cope with me, John Robbins. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. (*siren wailing*) Coming, coming! Be right there. (*knocking*)

(*door slams*) Sorry, I had to check the shop I run out front. I know, I forgot about it too. I forget for months at a time that I'm secretly in FOOM this season. I mean, have you read our show, Bible? It is not a page-turner. Anyway, tickets are on sale now for the Magic Tavern 10-year tour. And no, it's not called that because it feels like that length of time to sit through

a live show. How could you even think that, Wink? Here's the skinny. Summerville, Massachusetts and New York City in July. Washington, DC and Philadelphia in August. Charlotte, North Carolina and Richmond, Virginia in September. With about 28 days between each date for our hosts to walk from each city to the next, stopping in small towns, befriending the locals, and solving the occasional mystery. Links for tickets and info in the show notes. Now, sit back, calm down, and enjoy the show. Right this way. We're almost free. It's just up this incline here. We'll be out of the ravine momentarily.

Q-Sword? Q-Sword, you've been trying to guide us out of the ravine for like a week. There's an incline right here. I promise if you just follow me, you'll be out of here shortly. Just follow me! Oh, I don't know if I can keep going. You know what, John? He's not gonna realize we're not following him for a while. Why don't we sit here and start the podcast? That sounds good. Alright. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Ten years and several months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi Fi signal through dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast chronicling our adventures across the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my good bud, Chuck the Talking Badger. Sheep. But oh, oh, yeah. No, yeah. Yeah. Talking Badger is uh... Is appropriate. Yeah. Are you doing okay, bud? I know... Yeah.

It's only been a week since you had to give up your... You chose to give up your shape-shifting powers to end the Animal War. It's weird. Arnie? It's weird. Is it? Yeah. You know how I used to... I think I used to like rip off my face or something? I have so many impulses to like- I don't miss that one.

If I'm being perfectly honest, like whatever you're going through emotionally is valid, but I don't miss you ripping your face off sometimes. That's fair, but I, you know, I have a bad habit of like chewing my fingers and stuff, but now I'm like, hey, I gotta hold onto these puppies. So yeah, it's just been interesting. I also realized that before I gave up my power, I didn't take off my starmer that's under my fur. So it's just, it's just very itchy. So I do have under my fur, I do have a whole layer of armor. Is that is there is there gonna be a problem? Like you just have armor under your fur? I don't think so. Like, will it slowly try to work its way out of your body over time?

Maybe. I do feel it already coating my claws. Okay, so in theory your entire skeletal system could eventually be kind of metal and hypothetically if your whole body was burned away you could still be like a metal skeleton version of yourself mmm I don't think so okay shit cuz that sounds fun yeah that just sounds fun like something we would do yeah maybe one day how are you doing Artie I'm doing okay you know obviously you're the one with the big changes but as a result of you losing your powers I did end up with just a result of you losing your powers,

I did end up with just a tiny, tiny bit of your powers. Now I'm the only magic one in our group. I can shape shift my hair color mostly. So that's just getting used to that. I'm mostly been doing different shades of brown. So do you have any color requests for my hair? Ooh, maybe like a dirty blonde. Okay. That's further outside of the brown spectrum, but okay. Ooh!

How's that look? Yeah, and it changed, and you changed it? No, I think I shat my pants. Well, that's dirty brown. It's hard, you know, it's hard to know how much I have to concentrate on it. Yeah. Hmm. It's pretty fun at the, it's hard to know how much I have to concentrate on it. Yeah. Hmm.

It's pretty fun at the top of this incline. Yusador, we're starting, we started the podcast. Sigh. Oh, he's rolling down the hill. And I am joined as always by my other co-host, Yusador the Wizard. I am Yusador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Aesir's Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of magical delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trokis,

The Elves know me as Fiyin' Elk, The Dwarves know me as Zonin and Hoogstengis, And I am known throughout the Northeast as Gaspermanius Maestar, And I swear... H-h- Now I'm gonna go, woo! Whoa, that looks pretty fun. I'm telling you, that incline is where it's at. I can't guess. Arnie, give it a try.

Oh, that was fun. I don't know, it's not gonna be great for what's going on in my pants right now. Arnie, you always tell us that we should try and recapture some childlike wonder, and I feel like rolling down this incline helps achieve that goal. Okay well here look there's a little there's a little brook over there a little stream I'm gonna quick wash myself off and I'll be back in a minute and then I'll do all the fun stuff

that you guys are doing but the podcast is yours don't mess it up I'll be right back. This is Usador. This is Chunt. And we're? Get nuts. I found, I don't want to brag, a walnut in our journey through the ravine. Wow, I found a Pimstachio. One of my favorite drinks. Pimstachio cup, delicious, very sort of fruit forward. Oh, I agree.

Fruit and not both, you know, it's like, it depends on how you make it. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Ooh, look, here's a snake just crawled up next to us. Okay, doesn't seem like it's a talking snake. Okay, it just bit me. All right. Hey, guys, guys, look what I found over by the stream.

Look at this giant thing. Whoa, whoa. Hello friend, I am Ysero the Blue, who be thou? You're talking to me? Yeah, I'm so sorry, I didn't get your name. So I guess in retrospect, I'm sorry that I- You called me giant thing? Yeah, my first impulse sorry. I didn't get your name. So I guess in retrospect. I'm sorry that I Think yeah, I was my first impulse was say car is a looking thing and I changed that to giant thing Because I look I was like one of those I looked over my shoulder. I was like are they talking to?

Yep turns out talking about me or sound like a cool. Is it that obvious? I mean you're bigger than average I guess you I wouldn't say you're like full-on giant giant size Who dares upon my incline? Oh? No Incline my domain that I guard Forgive our trespass friend for I Simply wished to climb the incline and thereby leave this ravine once and for all. For you see, we search now for our very tavern, the Wanderlost, a traveling tavern with amazing legs that

traverses around the world itself, but we have been separated from it. And we need to get out of the ravine because if it walks into a ravine, it's going to get stuck in here. And then we have to get our friends to help us push it out. So much backstory. And I'm sorry to get distracted, but you sort of reminded me, that tavern had great legs, right Chunt? Oh yeah, legs went all the way up to its asshole.

Also, that tavern had an asshole, which is less appealing. So I'm so sorry, big guy, what, you're the keeper of this incline champ? Well, I'm sort of, I'm like inclined sitting. It's not technically mine. I'm just sort of watching it for a friend. Your friend, it's your friend's incline. Yeah, I have friends.

Yeah, no, I got a friend. Right, no, I wasn't questioning that. No, I have them, I have them. I believe you, and I hope you consider us amongst them. That's pretty forward. I'm a very friendly person. I love making new friends. Ysador, you got us insulted by this weird, friendless guy.

Like he's clearly the friendless one and now he's rejecting us because of you. All I want to do is make friends with everyone I meet because if I, imagine this, Arnie, imagine a world where I made friends with everyone I meet, because if I, imagine this Arnie, imagine a world where I made friends with everyone in the world, then they'd all have to be friends with each other because they all know me. And then there'd be no more war, there'd be no more hate.

There'd only be love and peace and goodness throughout the world. And I am so sorry to have burdened you earlier with so much backstory. But you see, when we met Arnie in Hog's face about 10 years ago. This is more backstory. There's a lot of backstory.

There was a lot of signals of backstory coming. Yeah, oh yeah. And I picked up a barn. Sorry. So, but this is your approach to making friends, you just roll the blind there, they're just inclines at will? Well, if I don't roll up, then sometimes I fly out of the sky

in the form of a giant eagle, and then appear before you in this form, and you're amazed by my wizardly prowess. That's a good question. Chunt, how do you approach a potential friend? Well, typically I will offer some sort of compensation in terms of like a baked good, or perhaps cold hard jewels.

So it's transactional is what you're saying. It's bribery. Well at first, but then they realized that I bring something to the table of value and we can go from there. I see. Well do you like jewels friend? No, I do. I like jewels. I like I'm really exploring myself these days So I'm trying to figure out what I like honestly and yeah Yeah, your hands are going nuts first of all. Thank you for calling them hands because they are cloven hooves

Yeah, your things. Yeah, sorry your things. No, I appreciate that. No, really cuz I've just I'm an abomination Obviously, you know, no, I am I am well, I I think there's a negative connotation Possibly to the word abomination. I would say you're a potpourri. Oh Lovely. Yeah. Yeah, is that what your next bag? Is that what you're called or is it like how Ysidor is a total fucking mess? But we don't call him that. Oh, his race, that is his race is a total. The total fucking mess race is what you're saying.

That's it, I'm going up this incline. He's gonna come back. I'll talk to you all later. Sure. Hey guys, real quick, guys, real quick, before he comes back. Yeah. Is it just me, or is it wild that Ysidor said, can you imagine if I was friends with everyone, then they'd have to be friends because they all know me? What? Yeah. That's not how friends were. Is it just me? I hate to I hate I know this is the kind of thing that people I don't like would say. But have you ever noticed that people that want to

save the world, sometimes they just want to make it about themselves? Yeah, it's like, I want to save the world. And I want to be at the very center of that process. Oh my gosh, tell me about it. I feel that. I feel that so hard in my in whatever this is. I wouldn't call it a soul. I was sort of just, I think, constructed at the whim of the goddesses. But yeah, no, I long for a purpose such as making friends or kind of a thing. I think I'm in a mid like sort of abomination crisis, you know? Oh, sure. Sure. Hey, well, why don't we start the friend making process?

I'm Arnie. I'm from another world. This is Chunt. Hello. What's your name, if you don't mind my asking? No, thank you for finally answering the first question I started out with, which was who dares upon my interest. We do thank you for finally answering the first question I started out with, which was who dares upon my interest. We appreciate you bringing that we did. So looping back to that. That's lovely. I'm Sal Kator. Sal Kator. You can call me Sal. You can call me Cody. Call me any cute cute nicknames. What about Tori? Are you okay with are you cool with Tori? No, I hate that., Sal Kator to Cody, that's sort of like a Jonathan to Jack situation? I don't know, I've never heard those words.

Did you just cast a spell on me? I don't think so. Do you feel different? Chunt, maybe he'll understand if you say, is it more like a Jonathan to Jack situation? Why would I say it like that? We have Jonathans and Jacks. I guess that's true. So Sal Kator, You're an abomination. There's I

Don't want to say it and I'd rather hear from you to describe yourself because there's a lot going on. There's a lot Yeah, I'm I think I'm technically half centaur half minotaur Mm-hmm. Send me like mostly so it's like it's like 25% horse, 25% bull, 50% humanoid. Yeah. Rough. And I think there's some other stuff going on. Sal, you said it correctly because in my head I was like, oh, half a centaur, half minotaur, a centaur.

Because that's what happens when you portmanteau those things. So I think you did have the appropriate description. Thank you. Yeah. No, you're right. happens when you portmanteau those things. So I think he did have the appropriate description. Thank you. Yeah, no, you're right. That never thought of it as a, it is a double portmanteau, isn't it? God, I could talk to you guys for hours.

Oh, good. Maybe, I'm not an expert. It seems like you got just a little bit of giraffe going on in there. A touch, yeah. No, it's sort of on the backside mostly. And maybe a pinch, a pinch of wolf? You noticed. Yeah.

Oh gosh, yeah. I so wish I was more wolf. I was like, ah, can I get a couple more percent wolf in there? But no, just a nostril. But I'll take what I can get. Well, you are rocking that nostril. My mom's a manticore, so I have experience with chatting with a jumble of things. And my mom's from the Midwest, so none of this makes any sense to her or would if she knew how what podcasts were. So I've decided to

come back if everyone's ready to be a little nicer to me. Not quite yet. Yeah, I'm good. What don't we take a quick goodbye? Why don't we take a quick break? Goodbye. Why don't we take a quick break and Sal, when we come back, we'll maybe see what shared interests we have. What are we breaking? Oh shit, we gotta explain breaks to this guy? Well, let's take a break. We'll explain breaks and podcasts. In the first half of the 20th century, one woman changed adoption in America. What was

once associated with the shame of unmarried mothers became not only acceptable, but fashionable. But Georgia Tann didn't help families find new homes out of the goodness of her heart. She was stealing babies from happy families and selling them for profit. Hi, I'm Lindsey Graham, the host of Wondery Show American Scandal. We bring to life some of the biggest controversies in U.S. history, presidential lies, environmental disasters, corporate fraud. And in our latest series, a young adoption worker moves to Memphis, Tennessee and becomes one of the most powerful women in the city. By the time her crimes are exposed decades later, she's made a fortune and destroyed hundreds of families along the way. Follow American Scandal

on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. Experience all episodes ad free and be the first to binge the newest season only on Wondery Plus. You can join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial today. Hey, I'm Mike Corey, the host of Wondery's podcast Against the Odds. In each episode, we take you to the edge of some of the most incredible adventure and survival stories in history. In our next season, it's 1980,

and in the Pacific Northwest, the long dormant volcano Mount St. Helens is showing signs of life. Scientists warn that a big eruption is coming, but a restricted zone around the mountain is limited by politics. On May 18th, hikers, loggers, reporters, and researchers are caught in the blast zone as the volcano erupts. They find themselves pummeled by a deadly combination of scorching heat, smothering ash, and massive mudslides.

The survivors have to find their way to safety before they succumb to their injuries or face another eruption. Follow Against the Odds on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Binge the entire season ad-free right now only on Wondery Plus. Start your free trial in the Wondery app, Apple podcasts, or Spotify today. Once I met a skeleton and he was all bones, all bones, all bones. Haha, that was so fun. Sal, that was such a fun game. Oh, thank you.

Yes, yes, yes. Listen, you guys, this has been an absolute lie. I haven't had visitors in, I don't know, centuries. I think this is a very infrequently traversed part of the review. How long have you been sitting this incline? For centuries? This isn't even your incline? You've been of situation. Now I'm in love with them and feed them and all this stuff. And I feel like, uh, someone's got to, you know, so I can't leave. Yeah.

It's been, it's been, it's been a long time since I fulfilled my, my one purpose for being created. So ever since then, yeah. Sort of like, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that. Yeah, yeah, it's been it's been it's been a long time since I fulfilled my my one purpose for being created So ever since then yeah sort of like what's next for all you know old Sal Kator? Sal Kator do you mind if we delve a little bit into what your one purpose is? So people know what that is yeah

Also he said what's next Arnie that's your thing No way to pick up on all the signals that I wanted to tell my story. So I was created in response to a demon king who was granted a wish by the goddesses. Oh, here comes Ysidor running down the hill, okay. Sorry, I heard a story from far away that sounded like someone had been summoned to this world to do something.

So I got real excited. Yeah, no, no. You love backstories, so you're gonna love this. I'm gonna love this. Yeah, so this king was going around, he got this wish and he became invincible. Now, he very cleverly made this wish the longest run-on on sentence ever where he was like, you cannot be killed neither by day or night or by man or beast or inside or outside. And so he had so many, so many caveats and sort of legalese. And so then I was created in response as neither man nor beast. And then I killed him at dusk, you know, so that it wasn't technically day or night or,

and I did it like sort of in the threshold of like a Motel I wasn't inside or outside and yeah, so I know I did it I did it that was like I can't remember thousands of years ago at this point So you were created as an elaborate workaround like someone was nigh in unkillable and someone was nigh in unkillable and goddesses or gods or somebody created you to kill that unkillable dude? Pretty much. Yeah, they pretty much programmed me with like the one goal and I was like so into it. And so all I wanted in life was just to murder this guy. And honestly, I'm really into legal documents and stuff. Like I love kind of finding that loophole.

So to me it was very exciting. It was very exciting to really- You happen to be sitting across from Foon's greatest lawyer. What, really? Well, the title was earned through combat and winning a court case against the greatest lawyer in all of Foon.

So a technicality, which maybe makes you like it even more, technically Arnie is the greatest warrior in all of Foon and I am technically the greatest lawyer in all of Foon. That's a, what's like your favorite clause? Oh, I love anything, you know, I love a RIT. Oh man, I love me a RIT. I love the Santa Claus 3. I'm unfamiliar with this.

I don't know what you're talking about. You're messing out, buddy. I love habeas corpus. Just really hoping we, you know, can hang on to that. But with the wizards, who the hell knows? It's a crazy time, man. That's gone. We're not hanging on to that one. Hey Ar wizards, who the hell knows? It's a crazy time. That's gone. No, that's gone.

Hey, Arnie. Yeah, what is it, buddy? Did you say I was falling asleep last time you told me the story of Santa Claus three? Was it that if you're bitten by Santa Claus, you become a Santa Claus? Mm hmm. Yes. Wow. So I thought it was. But then, but then Santa Claus enters the Clause-o-verse. And there's just Santa Claus is from every dimension.

I just like multi-dimensional things. Whoa, you said there's a Clause-it, which is half clown, half Santa? Mm-hmm, half wardrobe. Whoa. You see. Get back in that closet. I think it was the famous phrase that came out.

Yeah, and it had that famous song, I liked a closet closet. What's the one where you can't feed Santa Claus after midnight or he turns into a gremlin? Hmm. Hey Arnie, describe the woman gremlin again, please. She's our favorite. No, you can do horny chants, it's not horny hour yet. Please, we have a guest, Arnie, we have a new friend.

I know. Oh, Sokotora, you have to hear this. It's the craziest story from Arnie's planet. It's called dirt and we We just love hearing about all the gremlins, especially Tony Randall Do tell do tell sounds like even a better story than invincible king and yeah Yeah, this is way better this way. That's like We can get to me elaborately describing both Gremlins movies and what I imagine will probably happen in an eventual reboot. But maybe we'll do that during the break where we can wave our hands about it and not have to spend as much time on it. But Salcator, you accomplished your feat. First of all, when you killed this

Demon King, like, was he really as bad as all that? Oh, he was bad. Yeah, he was really bad. No, no, he sounded like a real prick. He was a dick. Yeah, no, he wasn't just just lord Nova people. Like he was he was really big into like, like human thrones, like thrones made out of other people. Like he just doesn't just like sit on sort of piles of dead bodies and that kind of stuff. Like he's really into it. I have always said human throne, red flag. Huge red flag. So I feel like the goddesses were justified in their sort of destruction of it.

And by creation, I think they just sort of forgot about me. Like it was like, oh, he did it great. Then there was like a party and stuff like that. I was celebrating, which is nice. And then it was like, okay, well, then you go figure out the rest of your life. And I'm like, oh, my technically even more. I don't even guys, I don't even know if I'm mortal or immortal. Like, I'm not even quite sure.

Oh, sure. And how do you know until you're dead? That's a good question. Great. I wonder the same thing because like, I probably not even quite sure. Oh sure. How do you know until you're dead? You're dead. That's a good question Great. I wonder the same thing because like I probably not immortal, but I feel like I am Yeah, you definitely live life as if it's never gonna end Like I know death is a thing but not for me death not for me Yeah, like I know I should stop talking about this, but I will not Skip me with the death. I honestly wouldn't mind dying at this point. Okay.

It just feels like it would be something different, you know? Sure. Oh, yeah. Have you tried learning to play the piano? Oh, I've tried so many hobbies. Yeah. Okay. But not so much, like I've done a lot of like, like bowling with skulls. Bowling with skulls?

Uh, like skull bowling. Uh, sure. You know what? That feels like Demon King activity if I'm being perfectly honest. Did you live in the Demon King's palace for a while after killing him? Well, yeah, because it was kind of the only place, you know, that I knew really, you know. So I was like, oh, well, this is obviously vacant. The goddesses have the party there.

They take off. You're like, well, I guess I have obviously vacant. The goddesses have the party there. They take off. You're like, well, I guess I have to clean up. Who's cleaning up? This guy. Then I guess I'll just stay here. Yeah, yeah. You know, I killed the Dark Lord, and the goddesses didn't throw a party for me.

That's true. Yikes. Are you in their favor? How dare you! Of course! It's worth considering. No party for Usador. I'm going up the incline! And I'm going to be fine! I don't know if he even got like a card or anything.

Yeah. Yikes. So Sal, you started bowling with skulls. What other hobbies did you try out? I tried to man like yeah, like yarning yarn yarn work using entrails of various creatures sure What are you trying to make with those entrails like a sweater I Was trying for just just a simple scarf I was like just try let's go with something just easy, you know to start out with and honestly it was a mess Yeah, so just just a sort of nothing's really taken, you know, gotcha just to sort of get like a snapshot of your

MO so human thrown bad Quilt of entrails good. Oh, well, I didn't listen. I'm not involved in deciding whether this guy was good or bad. That's not my I am just the executioner. There's a there's a sort of separation of powers for a reason. I see you. You were just a physical manifestation of justice. I guess that's what you want to listen.

I'm just out here trying to try to feed some mountain goats at this point. But yeah, for a while I was like, you know, I really love tearing his flesh and like, you know, sort of killing him neither by weapon nor hand. I killed him with my hooves. It was kind of a cool move. I ripped him apart with my hooves. I was pretty proud of that. Did you say something cool when you did it?

Yeah, I just sort of growled and... And I was like, taste hoof. I think I did say taste hoof. I think I did say I think I said taste of man I'm not sure if I'm honestly retconning that for myself or not sure I hope but in my brain I think I said taste hoof Yeah, it was pretty good so yeah, then he Obviously spent his last mortal seconds just sort of bleeding out, which was cool to also witness. One time Ysidor vanquished a demon, and after he vanquished him,

he said, that'll peach him. And we said, and Ernie and I kind of looked at each other, and we said, did you mean to say that'll teach him? And Ysidor started to panic. He got real sweaty, and he goes, no, no. And then he pulled the peach out of his hat. We all saw it and put it on top of the guy and he goes he was holding a peach We're like, what are you doing? Yeah, he planted the yeah, he planted the pun. That's tough. So I think I may be The more you explain this story the more I feel like I've seen some tapestries of this Like depicting your great destruction of the law a lot of good artwork a lot of good

Someone said they were going to show me some hoofing tapestries. I was excited. I did not. I think I misinterpreted what I was going to say. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry you experienced that. That sounds rough for you. It was. It was tough for me.

We all have our burdens. Guys! Guys! Guys! I found... just on the other side of the incline, I found a bunch of boxes with t-shirts that said, taste hoof. Oh. Whoa.

It's like a bunch of merchandise that someone can't move. Oh shit. Sal, did you try and like brand your killing of the Demon King? Well listen, you know, abomination's gotta eat. Sure. And I was just trying to make it, for a couple hundred years people really into it. So yeah, I sold Saddles helmets, whatever whatever the sort of there's a pretty cool print sort of blacksmith operation that You could get the same

print but on various items And it made it really easy the the whole fulfillment process was taken care of by this. Sounds wonderful. Did they take care of returns as well? Because I feel like that would have to be the worst part. Oh, I wish. That's why I stopped.

Sure. Yeah, yeah. I'd love to hear more about this wonderful fulfillment center, but let's take a quick break. Every big moment starts with a big dream. But what happens when that big dream turns out to be a big flop? From Wondery and Atwill Media, I'm Misha Brown and this is The Big Flop. Every week, comedians join me to chronicle the biggest flubs, fails, and blunders of

all time like Quibi. It's kind of like when you give yourself your own nickname and you try to get other people to do it. And the 2019 movie adaptation of Cats. Like if I'm watching the dancing and I'm noticing the feet aren't touching the ground, there's something wrong with the movie. Find out what happens when massive hype turns into major fiasco. Enjoy The Big Flop on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can listen to The Big Flop early and ad free on Wondery Plus. Get started with your free trial at Wondery.com slash plus. Behind the closed doors of government offices and military compounds, there are hidden stories and buried secrets from the darkest corners of history. From covert experiments pushing the boundaries of science, to operations so secretive they were barely whispered about. Each week, on redacted, declassified mysteries, we pull back the curtain on these hidden histories. 100% true and verifiable stories that expose the shadowy underbelly of power. Consider Operation Paperclip,

where former Nazi scientists were brought to America after World War II, not as prisoners, but as assets to advance US intelligence during the Cold War. These aren't just old conspiracy theories. They're thoroughly investigated accounts that reveal the uncomfortable truths still shaping our world today. The stories are real.

The secrets are shocking. Follow Redacted, declassified mysteries on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Redacted early and ad free right now on Wondery+. Fine, if you're going to talk to me like that, I'm just going to go up this entwine. Nobody said anything. I know. We were all staring at each other for that entire break. We were just... And then he just said that. He's having a real conversation in his head, I think, about a...

I think so. ...sort of seeing demons. That does happen. When people lay their eyes on me for the first time it kind of does get discombobulated a lot with What's going on in their brains, you know, it's a hard thing to grasp visually Yeah, take a minute for the brain to sort of process and be like, what am I looking at? Is this a thing? Am I sleeping? Is this a No offense waking nightmare. What is going on here? Am I looking at three things and not one thing? Yeah, one time I fell asleep and someone was trying to like solve me like a puzzle. They were like

Yeah, like time I fell asleep and someone was trying to like solve me like a puzzle. They were like, you know So yeah, like a slide puzzle. Yeah, like one piece is out Yeah, that's brutal brutal Oh Sal you said I see some off in the distance You said there's mountain goats here that you've you've come to love them. Are they your friends or do they talk or? I think they're just about and go to keep trying to train them to do stuff, but they're pretty feral and they mostly it's like it feels very one way. Honestly, it's like, oh, unless I bring them their feed, they don't really want to cuddle or hang out or anything. Honestly, this is the longest conversation I've had. This is so nice.

I really appreciate you guys. Like, of course you're doing great. Yeah. You're a friend now Wow, wow because I thought honestly and this is that this is maybe a me thing The last guy that had the incline was like, oh you're my you're such a good friend You know, will you do me this favor and watch the incline for like a few years? And it's been so long and then they haven't come back and so I kind of feel like the whole it's like a little bit of a trigger for me when people call me friend you know. Who was this person?

He was like a troll troll the Incline this was his domain but then I think you know I don't know I don't know if it's cursed or something but it just feels if I could you know I should have known I should have known honestly they were like so happy to meet me and they were like, oh, just come hang out. Like, we'll, you know, eat together. We'll eat this flesh and you know, he just brought me so much flesh and it felt so warm and inviting and then before you know it, he's such a good talker, you know, and was like, oh, you know, if you just hang here and watch this place for me and I'll be back, you know, before you know it in the blink of an eye and oh Arnie. This is what you called being Tom Sawyer. Oh, yeah

What is Tom? What is this Tom Sawyer? Well? Arnie hold on so another move from the Santa Claus series Arnie you always start by going me new me new me new I know I was gonna say let me see how many of the lyrics I can remember. So, Tom Tom Sawyer, real mean guy. Um, yeah, the neener neener neener part is really the part that I remember the most. You usually start, Ernie, this is exactly how it always goes, and then you eventually go something something paint a fence. Yeah, da da da da.

Is it today's Tom Sawyer, or is it tomorrow, like which, which, what, what? Today's Tom Sawyer is a tomorrow. Which which what? Today's house. Oh, gosh, your guesses are better than my memory. I know I just want to know which of which time you're speaking of times. So you're telling me the start of your story isn't Tom Tom Sawyer. Wow. I was a part of the Tom Tom club earlier. I thought that was the way the story started. It's confusing. I'm in no rush to figure it out. I think that's right.

Oh, I just saw Ysidor perk up. It feels like he's running down here. I've decided to forgive you all. Just because I feel here in Salcator, I have found a kindred spirit, someone sent to this world to do a great deed of good on behalf of the goddesses who's lost their way. So I say unto you, Salcator, will you join my quest? Though I have defeated my great enemy, the Dark Lord, a new enemy has arisen. And perhaps you never left this world because you were

always meant to join me in our quest to defeat the evil wizards who even now amass power to destroy us all and ruin our lives. You would conscript me into your quest? Aye, for I look at that giraffe neck on your back and I say that's a beautiful creature that the goddesses insisted must be in this world. It's honestly like the one part of me that I haven't really even used to do much of anything. I feel like there is... It's moving.

It's... it's... of itself has purpose, you know what I'm saying? Like that piece of me. And so maybe it'll be solved in your... in your quest. This sounds... Honestly, this is a hot offer. Is there sort of some kind of like like riddle or you know, is is there some sort of legalese in your in your quest that you think that I fit in well to I think I just figured it out. You were born into the most complicated impossible seeming

task which you which you use all of your mental capacity and You were born into the most complicated, impossible-seeming task, which you use all of your mental capacity and all of your weird body capacity to solve. And since then, you've just been trying to do like little hobbies and things. You need, right, like a riddle or just a... you need a complicated life task. Not a simple one. Yeah, I really want to thread that needle, you know? Ooh, I think I can come up with a riddle. Let's see here.

What do you know about riddles? Uh, not much. Let me, okay, okay. Oh, I have one. Okay. So a goblin is taken to a healer. And, oh, because the goblin was like hit by a cart. Oh, sorry, sorry.

There's, oh, how do I? Okay, so the goblin, okay, so the goblin was like hit by a cart. Oh, sorry, sorry. There's, oh, how do I? Okay, so the goblin, okay, so the goblin is with, the goblin's in a cart with his dad. And their cart gets, the horses panic and the cart tips over and they're both sort of injured. And the goblin's son is taken to a healer. And the healer looks at the goblin and says, I could not heal this goblin. That is my son

How is this possible? Goblin gave birth to another goblin. I Goblin gave birth to another goblin. Do you want to show your work on the board? Yeah, let me conjure. Let me go Oh, so I'm ready to answer. I'm ready to answer. I've locked in my answer. Oh, so polite. Go ahead. The goblin was a female goblin. And people are like, oh, the healer. Sorry, the healer was a female healer. That's what it was. And people are like, oh, no, females can't be healers.

That's not a thing. And that's bullshit. That is just garbage. Yes, yes, yes. And so it was like, oh, no, there's no way it could possibly be that the healer is the mom But they say there's the mom and the healers are female. Yes, you'd say you nailed it. You saw we talked later I don't know what you were saying, but Sal you absolutely nailed it. I want to see a scene

Ernie do you want to do a seamless? wrong podcast wrong podcast Here's my question. Ysidor, Chunt, who's the most complicated villain in All of Fin? Not necessarily the worst, not necessarily like the wizards who are the greatest threat to All of Fin. Who's like the most complicated villain?

Ooh, there is Patchwork. Patchwork is a 100 mile tall and wide ball of like different strings. They're just kind of tangled together. Pretty complex, pretty mad. Sure. Yeah. Sokator already said that he's not very good with yarning. Oh, right, right, right. Well, I mean, you know, it's sort of at a beginner level, yeah, but who else you got? There's Skeramouche, of course, Skeramouche

can't be killed under the sun. Very, very frightening. Does he do the Fandango? Please, of course, he can't be killed under the sun, can't be killed near the sun, can't be killed with the son, has three sons, and then also has four friends who he'll never name, but he always sends a gift to, and he doesn't see them except for once every other Wednesday. Oh, that does sound very complicated. That sounds very exciting.

And his mother was the mother of someone's mother. John, it's so hard to tell if this villain is complicated or it's just the way Ysidor tells stories. It sounds like his mom just had a daughter. I don't know. I know. What are we doing? What are you talking about? When I said a goblin made a goblin, you freaked out.

That does sound pretty complex. Is that what you asked Ernie, the most complex villain? I guess so. I guess I'm just trying to think of like a good challenge for Salcator, but also, you know, defeating evil. I mean, defeating evil is probably a good part of his purpose. I love defeating evil. Oh, there is Twistus. Oh, yes! Go on. Go on, this sounds promising. Twistus is sort of an evil magical slab and you approach him and he'll say,

Twistus, Bapus, Twistus, Twistus. And you kind of have to do what he says. And if you fuck up, you lose something you love. Could be an eyeball, could be a cousin. It kind of differs. But it's actually pretty fucking fun. How do they command you to do something like there's like a color and a body part that's semen

Unfortunately named not not si mo n that spelled like it sounds semen has the colors in the shapes, but Twistas is you just kind of want to you just kind of want to do what he says Killing him can you start over? Yeah. Oh, yeah Yeah, one of the most nefarious things about him is just you he can't really die He just seems to keep coming back and if you're doing a good job of killing him, he just gets faster and faster Oh, yeah, these are these all sound pretty good. I mean, these are all pretty good options. They're not bad. Honestly, I'm interested But I have been getting into one Hobby recently that's felt a little bit fun. Okay

and uh, so like kind of maybe want to Complete that and it's collaging like just getting into collaging using sort of various cool trees and branches I find or body parts of animals or various visitors or whatever and I just sort of like rip pieces of them off and sort of slap it onto my cave wall and just really kind of see like, what am I gonna get in? It's kind of a vision board for me.

I don't know, I'm feeling like maybe I kind of want to rip pieces of you guys apart and put it on my cave wall. That's kind of where I was going with that. And I'm wondering how you would feel as my friends about that. Normally I would be the first to donate to the cause, but if you, if you would have just caught me last week, one week ago this dude was a freak for ripping his face off. Oh, oh man. I love, I love a good face rip

I can rip your face off. Back up, back up, back up, back up. I'm happy to rip your face off. No, no, no, that's okay. That's okay. I'm down. I'm down. That's what you need. Well, how about this? Did you hear that? He said he wants to take my face off. No, nothing. No. Just appreciation. I'm just appreciating what you just said, Chunt,

and I want to tell anyone out there listening right now that wants to send me an email saying I didn't appreciate that one enough, I did, I did. I can't allow you to take Chunt's face off. Instead, let me offer this. You could have a greater prize. I'm listening. The finger of a wizard.

What? Which finger? I don't want a shitty ring finger. You gotta give me one of the good ones. You don't want a ring finger? All right. You could have pinky. Pinky?

Those are cute. I want index. You want index. Yeah. Is left index? Yeah. Is left index okay? What's your dominant hand? I'm right handed. Well then obviously I want the right hand.

You want the right right. I want the meaty one yeah. I mean yeah. Alright alright here you go. Usador don't you think? Maybe we should set some ground rules. Maybe we should set some ground rules. Like some tat like you can have the finger but if there's a red sky at night. Oh

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love me some ground rules. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Well played Yes, you can have my right index finger if there's a red sky at night. Okay, and if you're And it's a uh, liquor before beer. Yes. Makes you sicker. Eyes before sea, except. Yes, exceptions are welcome. Except if a mountain goat won't cuddle with you.

Yes, and you can only take it once your friend has reappeared. But if your friend reappears, then you must do a dance, and that dance must ensure that your friendship shall last forever. And speaking of taking it, you can only take it to the limit.

One more time. One more time. Okay, okay, I think I got all these down yes yes this is wonderful oh you truly are friends very much for me I will wait until my friend returns in a red sky and and then then when the limit comes twice I think you're right you said the limit comes to us then I will get the index finger on your dominant hand. But also don't forget beer before liquor and then eyes before sea. Eyes before sea except if a mountain goat won't cuddle you. Except if it won't cuddle me. Yes.

Okay. And also the eyes, the eyes that Sean was talking about, the eyes before sea, the eyes are up here. Yeah, don't look down to where I was looking before yeah not appropriate except a neighboring way and what hand was it you said or my right index finger okay so it'll so it also has to be righty-tighty mmm that's good stuff but is it righty tighty from above or if I'm twisting from below? That's what you have to figure out. So if you're looking directly at Ysidor, would it be lefty yusi?

That's how you remember. Righty tighty, lefty yusi. Lefty yusi, righty tighty, lefty yusi. Well, we're going to be on our way. But you'll be back when my troll friend comes on the red sky day, right? Exactly. Exactly. Yes, yes, yes.

Excellent. Yes, so we're just going to go up this incline here. And my friends will finally see the wonderful things at the top of the incline that they didn't want to see earlier. And we'll wish you well. Perfect. And just as quick collateral, I'll take his face. Just like kind of good collateral.

How about how about just like a lock of hair? Just a change color. Salcator, I have some magic hair for you. I mean, just doesn't have scissors or I have scissors right here. Oh, it's a peach. God Damn it. Yeah, that is a peach Swear I had and then were you gonna say like here's a peach a hair I'll just like I could pull off like oh, yeah, it's like a strand or two a lot. No, this is Shit brown hair is my favorite color

Fair I guess thank Thank you. Well It's been it's been lovely. It is been our pleasure Well, goodbye. Goodbye old friend. Well So long. We'll be off Nice meeting you, Sokator. See you guys soon. Bye Sokator. See you guys soon. I had a pair of scissors in there I when he said mountain goats, I thought it would be like a bunch of them, but it's just one See you guys soon! And I didn't want to spoil what's on the other side, but no you wouldn't listen to me But now look yeah follow me Look a water park wow we're gonna have a blast Enter my water My waterpark! Damn it! Oh, fuck. Oh no. If there was ever a time to pivot into gorgeous, fully realized, avatar-style 3D episodes,

it would have to be for the waterpark episode. Finally, those Patreon millions put to good use. Yuzuru the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafaya. Sankator the Abomination was played by special guest Sandeep Parikh. Sandeep is an executive producer and performer in the hit RPG actual play, Desiquest, set in an original South Asian mythological universe. Another universe wonderful. Sundeep is also the director of the upcoming sci-fi comedy movie starring Rekha Shankar, called Vidya's Guide to the Afterlife, which you can still back on Kickstarter.

Follow his exploits at Sundeep Parikh on all the socials. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young and Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer, Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Stefan Drainger. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Aller Claban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. ["The Magic Tavern Theme"] Today is the worst day of Abby's life. The 17-year-old cradles her newborn son in her arms. They all saw how much I loved him. They didn't have to take him from me. Between 1945 and the early 1970s, families ship their pregnant teenage daughters to maternity

homes and force them to secretly place their babies for adoption. In hidden corners across America, it's still happening. My parents had me locked up in the godparent home against my will. They worked with them to manipulate me and to steal my son away from me. The godparent home is the brainchild of controversial preacher Jerry Falwell, the father of the modern evangelical right and the founder of Liberty University, where powerful men, emboldened by their faith, determine who gets to be a parent and who must give their child away.

Follow Liberty Lost on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.