Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 61 - Mailmanmen (w/ John Hartman)

Episode Date: June 23, 2025

Sendor Mailmanmen is a mailman with no magical powers but a troubling curse.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSendor Mailmanmen: John HartmanMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Check out our upcoming LIVE SHOWS!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Redacted, Declassified Mysteries is a new podcast hosted by me, Luke Lamanna. Each week I dive into the hidden truths behind the world's most powerful institutions. From covert government experiments to bizarre assassination attempts, follow Redacted on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Misha Brown and I'm the host of Wondery's podcast, The Big Flop. Each episode, comedians join me to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Follow The Big Flop wherever you get your podcasts. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

Unless you feel too comfortable in your own Earth home, don't because this show is on the move. If there was ever a time to upgrade your home security system, it's now. Tickets are on sale for the Magic Tavern 10-Year Tour. A 10-year tour. Somerville, Massachusetts and New York City in July Washington DC and Philadelphia in August Charlotte, North Carolina and Richmond, Virginia in September and let's all put aside October to heal and forgive

Links for tickets and info are in the show notes now sit back relax as much as you can, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Ten years and several months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the magical land of food and we've been traveling. I don't really know where we're going honestly. Listener, I hate to admit this, we have no direction. We currently have no

direction. So we decide when we have no direction we We currently have no direction. So we decide when we have no direction, we stop in the closest tavern. And I love to check in with my co-host, my cousin, my good bud, Chump the Talking Badger. Aw yeah, baby. How you doing, bud? Doing pretty good. This is a weird tavern. This is a weird pub. It is weird, even for magical world standards. Yeah, it's the dumb pig. I mean, I guess we should have known from the sign,

but everyone here is just staring at us slack-jawed. Yeah, but I just, there seems something so charming and ironic about the name, the dumb pig. Yeah, and the drinks are served in troughs, so that's gonna be a novel. I love that, love that. In fact fact the only thing is I have to move my head away from the mic to take a drink like it's

more of an active choice so I'm gonna take a quick drink delicious oh yeah let me get in there oh kind of refreshing yeah got a little bit of your backwash but that's fine to be yeah. Yeah, that's true. We're sharing a trough. And there's also a couple apples bobbing in our drink. This one's called the Trough Titty. Hmm. Any follow-up information about that?

Not for me. I gave the title. Okay, fair enough. I am also joined by my other co-host, Usador the Wizard. I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ophesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarrakas, the this. When you have lost your direction, all you need to do is turn to your true north, Usador, and I shall put you back upon the path that shall set you straight.

I have found our next purpose. Oh, really? Well, that's very exciting, because it's been, you know, ever since we escaped the topless tower and we dealt with the animal war, it feels like there's problems, but we're kind of directionless.

Well, I would disagree, because I think we have one direction. That's the story of my life. And I am going to tell you this. Well, it's like a a I'm working on it I don't know exactly where we're going yet but I sure I've got this I cast a compass spell literally to give us a direction and that compass is going to point us towards not the direction of North but our true North what air we

need next a powerful weapon to help us defeat all the wizards You sort of get some of this trough drink. Oh, I got my own. I got a trophy wife. Oh Any follow up to that? No, yeah. Yeah, that's what I said. That's just the vibe of the dumb pig, you know, they're just no follow-ups Oh Arnie use it or and I have been working on something You know, I lost my shape shifting abilities? Yeah, I do, I'm so sorry. Are you doing okay, bud?

I think so. I feel like that was somewhat recently, right? In the last two years at least. Usador and I have been working on something that's just as good. We call it quick change. Okay, so Usador's gonna put this sheet in front of me. Okay.

All right, get my sheet up Okay. Give us a little bit of a wiggle and then he drops the sheet and oh user can you zip me up in the back? Yeah. Just there you go. Oh, and look, I'm a pig. Wink, wink. Wow. So you went behind a sheet and you put on a pig costume. Well, I first suggested a series of hats that maybe maybe he just swaps hats a lot and they're sort of like different, they sort of inspire different characters or something. But he didn't go for that. He wanted the full like animal, you know, change in ability. But I think, I think Chunt the Pig looks great, don't you, Arnie?

Well, I will say this, Chunt has been through a lot. So I fully support you and I think this is great, but I will say, because I have space to do this, Yusador, your part of the trick was fucking terrible. What? Just terrible. You're a wizard, you have magic. What do you want me to do, just use magic all the time?

You also, you didn't get the zipper up very good. You had so much zipper problems. Yeah, you got a lot of skin in it. I didn't want to say. I am sorry, but I can't use magic to fix everything. What if Mr. Tate needs a new ad campaign? Am I just supposed to use magic? Yousodora, you're hundreds of years older than me,

so I have no idea what you're talking about. Did you say Mr. Tate? Nevermind, leave me alone! Speaking of which, China, you have this zipper problem. How's Mr. Taint doing? You mean my Mr. Taint? Yeah, just with the zipper. I just didn't know.

Doing pretty good. Sound like it, yes. Okay, good. I just want to check in. Don't want to be rude. Yes. How's your Mr. Taint? It's always bad.

Dr. Taint, as you sometimes call it. Dr. Taint? It's always bad. Dr. Taint is he sometimes called? Dr. Taint. Yes. Not good. Not good. Now we're talking about... Any follow up? No, no follow up.

No. See? See? You know, maybe we should just have a guest. I didn't even... Classic. This is how little direction we have. I didn't even get us a guest this week.

I could ask one of these pigs. Does this seem like... Mail call! Oh! Oh! Oh, hello gentlemen. This is a classic. How little direction we have. I didn't even get us a guest this week. I could ask one of these pigs. Mail call. Oh. Oh. Oh, hello gentlemen. Oh. Hello. Badger.

Hello, please come join us. Ah, don't mind if I do. Let me put down my drink here. I got another trough drink. I got the Atrophity of War. Oh. Any follow up on that? I probably better not. Just seems like you're a serious drinker.

It's one of the more expensive items on the menu. Sure. But it goes down easy. So you're making buku bucks as a mail delivery person? Well I gotta be honest with you, I haven't been exactly, I'd say I've kind of fallen down on the job, and I'm trying to... You know, I have no magical abilities, and I'm competing with many that do. And not to mention, if I can be so forward with you that I've just met... Sure, please. I was born with an ability, or curse, where I fall asleep for years at a time and I wake up and I haven't aged at all but I have a lot of undelivered mail as a result.

The not aging part is nice though, don't you think? It's a blessing and a curse. There's a lot of ageism in this community if you believe it. If you don't look very old they don't think you know anything. And if you're really old and you don't use magic all the time, then perhaps someone thinks you're not capable of doing magic anymore, and they just think you can't even zip up a little pig costume. That seems like a personal anecdote I missed.

At the risk of being ageist, and I know that's not a great way to start a comment, if you have lived a long time but you've been asleep for most of that time. You haven't really accumulated the wisdom of your age. Is that fair to say? More than fair. In fact, I'm not all that bright. Oh, I appreciate that. By the way, my name is Arnie Neekamp. I'm from another world.

This is these are my co-hosts. I am Usador the Blue. And I'm Chunt. Very nice to meet you. Oh, pleasure to meet you. I'm send or mailman men Okay, send or mailman men send or mailman men and we come from a long line of as you would have guessed ice cream men and It's been in the family for years and I changed all that as I took a different profession And also I'm the one at the courier shop where the mail comes to and fro.

If you have, let's say, delivered a piece of mail and the address was wrong on it, it comes to me. You return it to Sendor. Ah, that makes sense. That makes sense. Your name, Arnie, doesn't it remind you of some of our friends from Strong Guy Island? Yeah, Arnie, a lot of people with characteristics and then it ends in man or men. Oh, yeah, like strong man and weak man.

Weak guy. Weak guy, yeah. I remember so much about this world. Oh, what else do you remember? Well... Yeah, there was a well, that's right. Sandor, hold on a second, we have to ask Arnie some questions. Fair enough. Uh, there are dragons and magic and... Check.

I love you, I love you both, you're my bus buds, that's what I remember about this world. Love you buddy. I know this was a private conversation with you, but if you don't mind, aww. Oh, come on in here Sendor, yeah, let's do a group hug including everybody. Oh, yes. Sorry. I didn't mean to exclude you there And a few takes your Frisky yeah So send or it sounds like your entire family, the mailman men, the mailman men's? Mailman men, yes.

Yes, we are Jewish. Oh good. Was that your next question? No, but how? No, it could be perceived to be offensive if you didn't ask or if you did, frankly, from my position. Yeah, I know, it's kind of a loose one. Did you, so your family was all ice cream men?

That's right. And you decided, no, I want to be a mailman. I rebelled against it as the son of many ice cream men do. That's very classic tale. And I found my way into a profession which I felt I had a certain calling for. Oh, boy, where does your passion for mail come from? Well, when I was very young I often would receive mail and I thought, this is really resonating with me and I tried to find out if others, there were others like me out there,

but we lived on a very long street with one house on it so I had no way of verifying this information and so as far as I knew for a very long time I was one of the only ones receiving mail sure well I got into the business and obviously found out that because it is such a profitable business there were going to be other people that were receiving mail and I was happy to be the one to deliver it to Them in fact if I have my sack here I Have mail for all of you I love getting mail. Yeah, I'm a male simp

Really? Mm-hmm. Did I say that right? Simp well you know, there's I hope there's a community for you all May I simp well you know there's I hope there's a community for you all Thank you now again mind you I've been I have slept through some of the past many years So a lot of these will be old mail for you sure okay? Apologies in advance about that Arnie I have some mail for you here. Oh You've received many many

Periodicals over the years with many many pictures in here. Oh, you've received many, many periodicals over the years with many, many pictures in them. Oh, good. Of various girls. Okay, women, I hope. And I would say I'm just leaping through here. Their behavior is on the wild side. Okay. Do you usually like look through it, it the mail as you're handing it over? If it's not sealed, technically legally I'm allowed to and if it is sealed, there's a more or less an understanding that I can. Yes. Speaking of legal, Arnie look at this

periodical barely 45. Well, to be clear, I did subscribe to that when I was barely 45 a few years ago. Oh, barely 45 magazines. Pretty hot. You have a lot of them here. And again, they're all addressed to you, so you can't claim otherwise. Sure, yeah. I suppose it's possible that one of your friends played a joke on you, right, and subscribed you to these magazines, Arnold? Let's go through some of these other ones concerned women sitting down what else here? Just one drink before bed women okay all right yeah there are girls going wild I would say on this one. Yeah those are the the wenches gone drenched. Are any drenched wenches.

There's actually some pretty good centerfolds in here. Okay, anybody else see any magazines or just me? Anybody else? Nope. Trying to look. Guys, guys, guys. Oh, boy. Don't don't say hog them all the pigs just. They're all getting a little upset. Okay, don't say hog them. All the pigs just... Oh, we got a real stink eye from that. Don't say stink either. Did you say stink-stye? No, no, why?

No, of course not. No, I hate sand. So, Sendor, was there any mail for Chun, Ysidor? Well, let me see here. Oh yes, it seems to be... Oh, now it seems Ysidor, you were eligible here, oh, to be on a jury of your peers. Oh, how exciting. This is from 12 years ago. Oh. Oh, I probably should have responded 12 years ago.

Now, I fear I may be a scofflaw. Now that I have turned my back on my very duty, what can I do to right the wrongs that I didn't right when I was wrong not to go and help right this case? I don't know, except to go down to the courthouse and explain your case, and maybe you'll be on trial yourself for what you've done. What?

No, I will explain that I had a work related reason to not be there. I'm, you know, I'm defending food from all forces of evil. Oh yes, that's one of the reasons listed here that you can get out of this service. Oh, okay, good. That's lucky. Yes, you know, when the goddesses demanded

that a champion appear and the bird in the rain and the wind in the fire came together and said there must be a hero and then i was born into the world so you know i can't really i can't really do joy duty i understand uh no chunt i see here oh you know you have an aunt oh yes i do she died 17 years ago. Oh no. And I'm sorry the funeral was 17 years ago. Yeah that makes sense. Damn it. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I deliver, I mean I am a bearer of every kind of news so some of it will be bad in all fairness. Sandor can I ask, Ysidor's jury summons was 12 years ago, my aunt died 17 years ago. It seemed like maybe you had my aunt's death notice for five years before you fell asleep?

Is that fair to say? It's unfair to say, in so much as I'd fallen asleep multiple times. So it wasn't just the one incident. I see, I see. My apologies for assuming. You may have been on the way, it's been like, oh, I've got to get this to Chunt you fell asleep for another five years You picked up a little more mail and then you came on your way here. You fell asleep again. I is true I never know when it's going to

How long was I out for a 10-year. I thought we were gonna play a joke. Guys, we gotta get our story straight. Either a few seconds or ten years. Do you know like, is there like a specific range? Like is it always for a long time or is it sometimes very short? I thought that it was always for a very long time. So whenever it comes a-ha-ha-ha like he was going to sneeze. Then they fell asleep. Whoa.

So sometimes I don't know, but each one feels the same. It is the same year, right? I'm with you gentlemen and badgers. That's just, that's just the same people. Yeah. Okay. Good. I could also see where a send or you're in such a deep sleep that, um, you know, for several years, if your mail bag is still with you, people might just slip mail in the bag and you could accumulate more mail while you're sleeping that way. So again, my apologies for assuming that you, you know, were sort of shirking your duties.

Well, I certainly was shirking them. But also thank you for an apology. Yes, I've tried to make up for lost time and deliver these things. Though the worst are newspapers in that the news in them has by definition just not aged well. Yeah, that's very true. And I've got headlines that don't make any sense to me.

And newspapers are always famously delivered by male people here in Foonhawnee. Absolutely, that's probably the main thing we deliver. Most mailmen are known to go extra, extra. Yes. We had a system for a short time where they hired young boys to go around on carts and throw papers around,

but they were all devoured by wolves. Oh, yes. I recall this very, very well. Now, speaking of carts, I am seeing here a tragic headline This seems to be nearly 40 years ago. The challenger cart has exploded Oh, no, that was the cart with a teacher on it. Oh No

It's it is old but it still, I still feel sad. Yeah. The cart just exploded? It's unclear. It says on, upon launch of the cart, I assume on its daily route, it exploded. Oh. Whoa. I think they looked into it and some of the planks on the side of the cart were loose. And it caused the whole thing to

catch a terrible tragedy. There weren't lots of children from all over the town watching the cart when this happened. Arnie, you're going to feel very silly for saying that. As I'm reading the story, that was exclusively the audience for this cart's venture. Oh no. Fuck. Why don't we take a break? Let's take a quick break, cleanse the palate

of this terrible news, and we'll be right back with more Sendor. You know those creepy stories that give you goosebumps, the ones that make you really question what's real? Well, what if I told you that some of the strangest, darkest, and most mysterious stories are not found in haunted houses or abandoned forests, but instead in hospital rooms and doctor's offices? Hi, I'm Mr. Ballin, the host of Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries, and each week on my podcast,

you can expect to hear stories about bizarre illnesses no one can explain, miraculous recoveries that shouldn't have happened, and cases so baffling they stumped even the best doctors. So if you crave totally true and thoroughly twisted horror stories and mysteries, Mr. Bolland's Medical Mysteries should be your new go-to weekly show. Listen to Mr. Bolland's Medical Mysteries on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Spotify or Apple podcasts. Hey, I'm Cassie DePeckel, the host of Wondery's podcast Against the Odds. In each episode, we share thrilling true stories of survival, putting you in the shoes of the

people who live to tell the tale. In our next season, it's August 3rd, 1991. A Greek cruise ship, the Oceanos, sets sail into a brutal storm off South Africa's wild coast. Soon after, disaster strikes. A breach in the hull knocks out power and floods the ship. But instead of helping, the senior officers abandon their posts. With no leadership, the entertainers must step up and lead a desperate evacuation to save hundreds

of lives before the ship sinks beneath the sea. Follow against the odds on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Binge the entire season ad-free right now only on Wondery Plus. Start your free trial in the Wondery app, Apple podcasts or Spotify today. Sunder, I've been leafing through some of these magazines that you delivered to me, like this one, Approachably Naughty Ladies, and I've noticed that you've kind of... someone, I don't know if it's you, has kind of scribbled lots of notes in the margins. things like Sendor likes and Sendor's favorite and more of this for Sendor, please. Now, doesn't that just scream the actions of someone trying to frame Sendor? If it were to be me doing it, wouldn't I just circle it or put a red dot on the one that I like

instead of so brazenly incriminating myself. Pete Slauson It is true. It is true that if it were you, you wouldn't have to say your own name almost every time. Jared Slauson That being said, you are dead on and that's what I have done here. I do tend to sign my work, as it were. Pete Slauson I see. Jared Slauson And as you'll see, there's, I mean, Sendor, like, yes, that's on the rating, on the scale of things,

that's around like a three or a four, but you're gonna see as you leaf further, you'll find Sendor Hubba Hubba. Oh, yes. Sendor So Horny. I see a lot of sort of circled areas that say insert mail here. I don't wanna to say where but

That's ma le So I don't know what if that's clear Then it says in parentheses after mail send or okay. Okay, this makes sense A lot of its to remind myself as if I have fallen asleep recently and wake up a little groggy, I'd love to remember. Okay, so, and this isn't gonna mean anything to you because you don't have this in this world. So it sounds like before you go to sleep, memento style,

you need to write on a magazine all your thoughts about each page in case when you wake up You don't remember if it made you horny or if you liked it. Oh Arnie you told us about Momentos it's where someone sits down on a wet painted bench and it puts stripes on their suit And so they roll around the whole bench to put stripes all over the suit and then they move a Volkswagen to get the parking spot Is that mementos? Yes, but also, you know it's from a different country, but you just don't know which one. Sounds wonderful.

Well, Sindor, I have to know, since you're falling asleep while you're trying to deliver all this mail, do you still stay in touch with your ice cream family? Sadly, no, but I ventured out on my own, I knew there'd be a chance that I would be going at it and living a solo adventure life, which is how it's been. They shunned me from the family

when I took on this new profession. Oh, that's terrible. I can imagine a young sender sitting alone in a house at the end of a street where there are no other houses, your family trudging home, covered in chocolate chip cookie dough and fudge chunks as they return from the ice cream mines and your sad faces you thought someday I'll have to go into those mines. But you've set yourself free So you should celebrate and perhaps if you go back to them now

They'll see that you've become the person you truly wanted to be here. I never thought of it that way I've mostly thought about it in terms of revenge Okay That's another angle and if I ever found them what I do But you know, I like your angle as well. All I've been doing is withholding mail from them important mail Smart I should be celebrating. I should celebrate my independence and the life I've made for myself I'll be at a half-assed job of it that I'm doing not to be morbid, but your family is probably dead I mean working in the ice cream mines is a tough life. They probably got mint long or something like that

It's true as many do I working in the ice cream mines is a tough life. They probably got mint lung or something like that. It's true. As many do, I hadn't thought that I might never see them again, they may be gone. My, I feel sad that my plan for vengeance will probably never come to fruition. Well, should we open their mail then? Yes, that's great.

All right, here's- This is fun. Well, here's another, oh, here's another old periodical, a headline. Oh, a knight escaped on a white bronco. There was a chase that ensued. Uh-huh. It seems by the local authorities, this man was wanted for murder. Can I just say something?

If you're going to commit a murder, a white bronco, those are so rare. Take a brown stallion or any sort of just regular mare, but a white Bronco so specific and so noticeable. Poor Pinto. Yeah, exactly. I remember this story and they never should have let him try to try on that gauntlet. Agreed. It just gave away the whole game.

Okay, let's see about my family's mail here. Oh exciting Oh, oh to head of household. Oh Is that your would that be cancer? Yeah. Yeah your mother who is the head of the household? Well, take a guess and see if it's offensively right or wrong Boy, um,'m a giant hip. Your grandmother. I'm gonna guess like a, maybe like a parrot? I'm gonna guess it's maybe a parrot.

Oh, great. Not quite offensive guesses. The head of household was my father. I know you all wanted to guess that, but... I mean, I was thinking it, but I didn't want to seem you know I don't know so regressive in my thoughts I understand I understand well it looks as though there's plenty of bills here but my father's mess oh this letter to my father missing you greatly that's a great start. Yeah. Our nights together were wonderful. I missed you long as I know that your wife can never know about us. I mean this could be like spam mail. This could

be like you know just a way to draw someone in and then there's a coupon or something. in and then there's a coupon or something. Keep reading. Sendor must never know that I am his mother. That's pretty specific. That's quite a switcheroo. See you next month at our usual meeting spot, which I don't need to dictate here as you already know where it is. And love to my boy. Oh, oh. Oh. Sindor, I, I'm so sorry. To imagine all those years your mother thought that she brought you to term and gave birth

to you when in truth someone else did that and she didn't do it at all. She never knew that she wasn't my mother. Oh, yes. You wish she had just for revenge sake or? Well, the revenge plan is just ruined. All forms of this plan are falling apart before my eyes. Well, or now that you know your mother is someone else, maybe she's still alive somewhere, perhaps.

And you could get revenge on her. Yeah. Well, revenge is revenge. So I suppose if it's done at all, there must be some satisfaction to it. I never thought about it. Revenge is revenge. It is. Yeah.

That's exactly what it is. Look, when you're feeling bad, sometimes you just got to get some revenge on someone so you can feel better about yourself and you can know you've ruined something for someone else. It's revenge. It's the perfect cure-all. Yeah, and who knows, your mom could be like a, um, some sort of magical creature, like a narcolepricon or something, like a sort of sleeping magical creature.

That's right! I would explain so many things about my upbringing and why I am the way I am. I like all of these. At Ysodaw that was wonderful. Have you ever worked on an ad campaign for revenge? Well, I told Larry I would love to, but he just didn't seem interested in an ad campaign for revenge and he couldn't get a client to buy it. Yeah, and Pete was trying to undermine you the whole time, right? Oh, yeah. I always hated Pete. You didn't even know who he was

But I may not know who Pete was but I perhaps I can find out who your mother is much like our compass spell It's going to help us find a powerful weapon. I am going to cast a compass spell on you They'll help you find your mother Your true mother. Oh, I would be ever so thankful to you. Great, because I was gonna do it even if you didn't want me to. Well, also, isn't there like a return address

on the envelope? I mean- Oh yeah, we should look at that first. Oh, let's see here. This could be the clue. Return to Sendor. Nope, that won't help this much. No, no. All right, here, let me get out my crystal ball

i get out some uh spell components uh we're gonna do this one right boys all right now here put your hands around the crystal ball send or all right get pigs get out of there get out of there put your hands around the crystal ball and concentrate. Think about your mother. Think about the letter you just read. Oh, he's asleep. Oh, I'll catch it, I'll catch it, I'll catch it, I'll catch it! Ah!

Close one, he threw that ball right in the air when he woke up. Yeah, that was scary. Thank you Chunt, I appreciate it. Sandor, do you always wake up so violently? I have never woken up any other way, so I have nothing to compare it to. Oh. Do you dream?

I would, as a boy I learned I never dream. You learned you never dream, or you learned to never dream? Learned to never dream. Oh. Your dreams won't come true. My mother said at the time. So why dream at all? And I was able to work that into my actual dreams.

So I never dream. Wow. But sorry, you had a crystal ball for me and I needlessly snotted off. It's all right. Put your hands on the crystal ball. Concentrate on your mother, the letter you just read. Eroth, troth, coroth, troth. Ernoth,, coroth, troth, er north, en toth, a toth, a sendor,

sendra, senda. Okay, now, look around the bar. Do you see anyone who you think's your mom? Hmm. That's it. Well, there's several of them. I suppose I'd like to be my mom. Well, do you feel drawn in a particular direction? You feel like maybe there's somebody around here or maybe you're like, I can feel they're in the east from here. Yes, yes. I'm feeling strong sensations coming from the northwest the northwest corner of this of this tavern

Oh, oh right here on the tavern. What are the odds? I need I need to sober up. I can I have uh, Just a hot trophy hot trophies for all. Yes Okay Now Arnie get the recording equipment. Yeah, grab the troughs. Okay Recording equipment. Yeah, grab the troughs. Okay Suddenly as you can and carry these troughs over to the corner. Okay, we're gonna stand a couple feet behind you Here's we're support system send over here if you need us. All right Did you need something um, yes, I

Suppose I should close my tab. I'll be moving on from this tavern shortly. I didn't catch your name. My name is Sandra. Sandra? Yes. Allow me to introduce myself, although you can see clearly on my name tag here. My name is Sendor. You look so familiar. You look so familiar.

There's something about you. Are you in barely 45? You know, you have to make ends meet sometimes. That's all right. I understand. I myself carved my own path away from the fold. Arnie, put down ends meet magazine. Something's happening over there.

What, oh, sorry. I'm just going to take a wild stab in the dark, here, Sandra, I've gotta ask you something. I hope you don't find it forward, especially since I've seen you nude, but... Are you my mother? Yes, dammit, yes. I thought it was you when you came in,

and I thought, it's not possible. It's been so long. It's been over a hundred years. You... Oh, wake up, wake up. Oh, but, sorry. How long was it? Six years?

Just a few seconds, just a few seconds this time. One of the short ones, good. Chunt, chunt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This magazine, it's spelled M-E-A-T-S, ends meat. What? Why won't you tell me? I don't want you to know.

Why are you just talking to Chunt? This is our thing. This is like a Chunt thing. Sindor, I had an affair with your father years ago. I got pregnant, I gave birth to you, and then I tricked your mom into thinking she had been pregnant for nine months.

How could you? I've thought she was my mother my whole life and she's a big part of my revenge plan. I'm so sorry. They've been dead for decades. I have to admit I did assume that with the time passage. Yeah. But you're still here. Well, I fall asleep for long periods of time, but I don't age when I'm asleep So that's why I'm still barely 45

Well, you look great Thank you. And I mean again you are my mother but the knockers it just sensational Okay to say that you know even you just objectively They're just great. I'm really keeping it tight Oh, and should we step in sure? I'm a little concerned. Why can't I? I want to be part of it too. This does not involve you fine I'm just a little concerned that you started this spell and his mother just happens to be in the same bar

Yeah, this seems this seems like a setup or something. I he might he might be in danger center might be in the same bar? Yeah, this seems like a setup or something. He might be in danger, Sindor might be in danger. Yeah. Well, I don't think you have anything to worry about, Sindor. There's no possible way that I was sent here by the mail service to murder you. Oh, that's great to hear. Why did I even say that?

It's good to rule out, I guess, all bad possibilities, so just, yeah, start naming them. That's fine. Junt, Junt, did you hear that? It's spelled M-E-A-T. Yes, I heard you. I heard it too. You suck. He's a rock-off.

Well, I suppose now that we've been reunited, I should invite you back to my house for dinner this evening. We're having soup. Really? Yes. It's so much easier to dissolve things in soup, don't you think? I've thought that for years.

Yeah, you can hide basically anything in soup. Well, I've always been drawn to soup, as I found my parents, who I thought were my parents, when ice cream melted, it became soup. And I was kind of delighted in the fact that their ice cream had melted. Before we go back to my house though I have to admit something to you. The man who you thought was your father, he wasn't your father. I've been having an affair with him but it really I got pregnant by someone else then I convinced your father that he was

the father then I convinced your mother that she was the mother. Well, the man that I thought was my father is not my father. Who is? No. It's embarrassing to say, but it's the Duke of Gumbelspit. Oh my God. We're royalty? Well, you know, you're the bastard son of a duke. Son? Still son? Yeah, so I mean, I guess you could go, like cause some trouble. He's been dead for a while though too.

His like legitimate heirs took over. They probably wouldn't remember me. Oh. Oh, Chandra! What? You only have for a few seconds. Oh good. Oh, thank goodness.

If I... sometimes I fall asleep and I can't poison the person I was planning to poison. Hey, Arnie. Yeah? Do you know how Sandor and his mom, um, they keep falling asleep, but it's always just for a few seconds. I know. You would think it would be like a few seconds, then a few years, then a few months, then weeks, then they... It feels like they're just tired. Also, I'm looking at these.

Did Junot too notice how quickly they're waking up? Usador, we're trying to have a conversation. Usador, fuck off. Fine, fuck off. Jun, is it possible that he just thinks he's been sleeping for hundreds of years at a time and he's just sleeping for a couple seconds at a time? Could be it, a lot of power naps, maybe.

Yeah, but also something seems very suspicious about this mom. Like she seems to have some kind of ulterior motives. Now it's possible it's just because she's still adjusting to being 45. But I don't know there just seems to be something off about her. Yeah soup is more of like an appetizer than an entree. Well I agree with you about the poisoning part of soup so I'd be delighted to go back and eat with you. Yeah, well, I'm off my shift now,

so why don't we just go right now? So should I close my tab or just, is it covered? Would you be comfortable covering that? Yeah, oh yeah, I'll cover it, no problem. It's the least I could do for my little boy. Thank you. Mom, would you wanna to have a group hug? Just you and me?

Yeah. Oh, a group of two. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, all those pigs are running up to join in, but the mom's kicking them away. Get out of here.

Excuse me. Send or send or, can we talk to you for just a moment? Yeah, yeah, I'm about to go off with my mom. Yeah, which is great. We're just checking in, like, just a lot of stuff has been thrown at you in the last few minutes. Are you doing okay? I'm doing great!

Everything is making sense now. It seems like I've got a path forward, I know. Sometimes people aren't sure where they're headed, you know? I don't know if you would you know relate to this at all but I felt a little bit adrift lately and It seems as though things are clicking into place and making sense and my path seems clearer than it ever has before Okay, that's good. It's just this seems a little suspicious But if you seem okay with it, then great that that's okay

Oh, I seem okay with it, all right. And we just met you, so if you go off and get murdered in soup, I suppose it's not the hugest deal for us? Well, now you've said that about soup and murder as well. It's just an option of how people die. I guess it is one. I'm gonna be honest, I'm only saying it

because she said it, but it really stuck out to me that she uses soup to poison and murder people Hmm hadn't thought about that till right now Is it possible send or if this is your mom and I'm not even sure if she's really your mom Is it possible that? You've gotten her thirst for revenge Genetically, it certainly is possible

Things are making sense oh she's clapping for something that someone did a pig do something well well well little arnie knee camp you figured it all out oh how does she know your name that little I've been watching and serving you troughs of drinks, waiting for Sendor to arrive here. And now that you've figured out my plan to poison my son with soup, I'm going to poison you all with soup. Except the soup will be knives and you won't drink it.

I'll just shove the knives right in you. That's not soup. Knives aren't soup. I think she's drunk. I think she's just drunk. Yeah, Laila, knives aren't soup. Yeah, I know knives aren in you. That's not soup. I think she's drunk. I think she's just drunk. Yeah, Liza, knives aren't soup. Yeah, I know knives aren't soup. I'm just saying that in this instance, help me out here, Sindor. It's a metaphor where the soup is knives and instead of the knives being drunk in you, I put the soup in you, but the soups are knives. You are trying to murder me. I know that now, Mom. I won't be helping you out anymore.

I'm gonna take this knife from you right now. What? SENDOR TURINUS! AHHHH! I have to confess something to you, Sendor. I wasn't... I wasn't ever really your mother. Oh. Oh, God. Well, okay, that makes sense. Well, I mean sense but I could inherit it so much from you the people who Who publish all these pornographic magazines? They're furious at you for not delivering to them

No, pornographic magazine industries basically ended. You can't find them anywhere anymore. And now... That's horrible. Yeah, I know. They sent me here to kill you. And I was happy to do it because I loved showing off my magnificent breasts. Hey, let's all agree. Different final words, right?

If we're asked, there was different final words. Yeah. Fair enough. Fair enough. Okay, but also is she sleeping or is she dead? I'm not getting a pulse, but I'm just looking at her. Yeah. Well, let's take a quick break. We'll keep searching for signs of life and we'll be right back. Oh boy. Oh boy, oh boy. Behind the closed doors of government offices and military compounds, there are hidden stories and buried secrets from the darkest corners of history.

From covert experiments pushing the boundaries of science, to operations so secretive they were barely whispered about. Each week, on redacted, declassified mysteries, we pull back the curtain on these hidden histories, 100% true and verifiable stories that expose the shadowy underbelly of power. Consider Operation Paperclip, where former Nazi scientists were brought to America after World War II, not as prisoners, but as assets, to advance U.S. intelligence during the Cold War. These aren't just old conspiracy theories. They're thoroughly investigated accounts that reveal the uncomfortable truths still shaping our world today. The stories are real. The secrets are shocking.

Follow Redacted, Declassified Mysteries on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Redacted early and ad-free right now on Wondery+. Today is the worst day of Abby's life. The 17-year-old cradles her newborn son in her arms. Between 1945 and the early 1970s, families shipped their pregnant teenage daughters to maternity homes and forced them to secretly place their babies for adoption. In hidden corners across America, it's still happening. My parents had me locked up in the godparent home against my will. They worked with them to manipulate me and to steal my son away from me.

The godparent home is the brainchild of controversial preacher Jerry Falwell, the father of the modern evangelical right and the founder of Liberty University, where powerful men, emboldened by their faith, determine who gets to be a parent and who must give their child away. Follow Liberty Lost on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. So, send her, hmm, this kind of, a lot happened. There's a dead woman here. Will I be blamed for this? I mean, you did stab her.

You did stab her. I did stab her. I mean, she said she was going to poison you, but you did stab her. I don't, I'm less familiar with exactly how all food justice works. I will say, and I don't, I hate to do this, but when you said six said North Ternus, there was a pig in the balcony up there that jumped off and broke its leg. I feel like the other pigs are gonna kill him anyway. We might as well put the blame on him.

Is that crazy? It's a great idea. We've escaped pig in our midst. It's a great idea. And you would do that for me? I think so. If everyone's on board I don't want to be the only one lying here

No one else I don't want to be culpable. Yeah Oh now you need me to be part of this Qusador come over. Come on. All right. What is it you'd like me to do? I never thought I'd say this sentence again. We're thinking of framing the dead mom on a pig? Ah, I see. Well, as the greatest lawyer in all of food, I can tell you that a scape pig is one true and certain way to get out of a murder rap.

And I would gladly stand by you, Sendor, since it was my spell that misdirected you, not to your mother, but just to a very attractive older lady who wanted to murder you. That's incredibly sweet of everyone. Thank you so much for sticking by me in this. Yeah, we just met you, but you seem like an okay guy. I'm happy in general, yeah. Remember when certain, there was a time when they said that male people would go postal and they would They would get very violent. Yeah. I do I would love to do that, but I can't I'm too happy

Well, you did just stab that woman to death The happy guy who loves revenge Yes, that's right. And I did stab her So I I suppose I got some sort of revenge out of all of this and after all revenge is Revenge I forgot it. Revenge is revenge. Revenge is revenge. Don't no don't forget. That's what it is that and Remind yourself if you have to I shall Sendor I'm glad that we could send you off with such a happy ending with all your loose ends tied up Send you off with such a happy ending with all your loose ends tied up

Even though you don't know what happened to your family You still going to fall asleep for years at a time and failing to deliver the mail I think this is the happiest of all possible endings and I noticed on this letter about chants aunt dying You wrote send or likes. Oh that should have been send or so horny oh come on man well like she shouldn't have included a picture oh wait Arnie I'm flipping through sorry this issue of drenched wenches and there's a magazine here called hidden magical items monthly what this is addressed to Yusador? Oh, I guess my spell took the form of a magazine. That's very good. Arnie.

Yeah. Chunt. Yeah. Oh, sorry, I answered for you, Chunt. No, that's okay. Yeah. Let's take it again. Arnie.

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Chunt. Fuck, it's hard now. Yeah, sorry. Alright. Alright. From the top. Arnie. Yes? Chunt. Fuck. Oh, sorry.

I shouldn't be part of this. That's alright. One more time. One more time. Sendor. Yes? Arnie. Yeah? Chunt. Chunt. Chunt. Now he fell asleep. Yeah, sorry, Adol.

I know what a magical weapon we need is. Wow, isn't that exciting? Oh yeah! Wait, are you saying, and I'm just gonna try to hype you up a little bit here, you're saying a magical weapon we need to defeat the wizards in the wizard war? Yes, yes, that's what I'm saying. That's probably why that mother spell didn't work, because this spell was so powerful it overwhelmed it. You said, I don't want to spend too much time on this, but that mother spell didn't work

in such a weird way. Okay. Like it didn't work, but it also did, like did it conjure up, magically conjure up a woman that wanted to kill Sendor? like I don't even understand how that happened Well, we'll never know But what I do know is this we must return to hogsface Why that's whether I should have okay that was my fault. I didn't clarify. Yeah, sorry It's just the way you said things. Yeah, it's like if you want to go see like a healer and the healers like you've been diagnosed

It's like if you went to go see like a healer and the healers like you've been diagnosed Right and then the healers like I gotta ask with what it's like Well, I'm I'm kind of assuming you're gonna tell me it seems important. I have okay. Let me try to okay, okay? Okay Send or yes Chant yeah Arnie The magical weapon we need is back in hogsface We have no that's so interesting

Thank you. Thank you. We have to go back to hogsface. Let's go back to hogsface Let's go back to hogsface, too. That's my favorite one. Your favorite one? Yep. Wow, so interesting. Revenge is revenge. Are we still doing the daily T-shirts? No? Tragic.

Usual, the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffae. Sendor Mailmanman was played by special guest John Hartman. John plays Nigel Chessam on the CBS sitcom Ghosts. And boy does he want you to know about it. Good luck squeezing in any updates about your own life between stories about being apart, however small and rarely featured on the promotional materials, of ghosts. Last week John was 45 minutes late to brunch and finally arrived saying, so sorry, I was

just reflecting on my backstage antics with people like Richie Moriarty and Danielle Pinnock, who never seem to mention John on any of their socials. Anyway, good for him. Watch all four seasons of Ghosts on Paramount Plus. And if you're in Los Angeles, see John perform regularly at the UCB theater with the musical improv shows Baby Wants Candy and Shammleton. And when you find yourself quietly praying for someone to edit him, well, just know that you and I would be friends.

Finally, some good news! Hello from the Magic Tavern is taking the next two weeks off for a little summer break, because this summer exoskeleton is ready to be unveiled at the pool. For the next two Mondays, a formerly paywalled Patreon episode will be unlocked and added to the main feed, so you can get a free taste of whatever's going on over there. Then we'll be back with new episodes starting Monday July 14th. Speaking of the Patreon, Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by the supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at

least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the most recent bonus, More Teeny Tavern, a small talk show hosted by Momo the Mouse. Sorry, your walnuts are ready. It seems like Usador conjured some walnuts. I just did one of the silent ones. Well, thank you, Usador. Everybody, you might want to shield your eyes. Let me give you a mosquito drum roll. Thank you. Here we go.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Seven walnuts crushed into oblivion. They're dust. Wow.

In between your butt cheeks. That's the craziest thing I've ever seen in my whole life. That was quite impressive. Follow up question. Those are your butt cheeks? Right. OK. They're down here.

They're down there. Chunt, where were you looking? Where were you looking? Where were you looking? Where were you looking? I'm looking at his eyes. I was looking at Momo's breasts. I mean.

Oh. I was looking at my tiny socks. Today's episode is sponsored by Tiny tiny socks. They're so cute Currently affiliated with tiny pants for now to hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show visit patreon.com Magic tavern hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie knee camp Matt Young and Adol Raffae post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz Raffae. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. That's it for now. See you right back here in three weeks.

Every big moment starts with a big dream. But what happens when that big dream turns out to be a big flop? From Wondery and Atwill Media, I'm Misha Brown and this is The Big Flop. Every week, comedians join me to chronicle the biggest flubs, fails, and blunders of all time, like Quibi. It's kind of like when you give yourself your own nickname and you try to get other people to do it. And the 2019 movie adaptation of Cats. Like, if I'm watching the dancing

and I'm noticing the feet aren't touching the ground, there's something wrong with the movie. Find out what happens when massive hype turns into major fiasco. Enjoy The Big Flop on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to The Big Flop early and ad-free on Wondery+.

Get started with your free trial at Wondery.com slash plus.