Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 62 - Familiar Rescuer (w/ Holly Conrad)

Episode Date: July 14, 2025

Aggie Thistlefield runs a rescue shelter for difficult to handle animal familiars. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungAggie Thistlefield: Holly ConradGorilla Familiar: Charlie McCrackinMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Marisa EwingMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Check out our upcoming LIVE SHOWS!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Agent Nate Russo returns in Oracle III, Murder at the Grandview, the latest installment of the gripping Audible original series. When a reunion at an abandoned island hotel turns deadly, Russo must untangle accident from murder. But beware, something sinister lurks in the Grandview shadows. Joshua Jackson delivers a bone-chilling performance in the supernatural thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat. Don't let your fears take hold of you as you dive into this addictive series.

Love thrillers with a paranormal twist? The entire Oracle trilogy is available on Audible. Listen now on Audible. Hey, this is present-day Arnie bumping into the beginning of all of our episodes to give you important news. This summer, 2025, we're going on tour. If you've always wanted to see us live, here's your chance, assuming you live anywhere close to the places I'm about to say. On July 18th, Somerville, Massachusetts. On July 20th, New York City. On August 15th, Washington, D.C. On August 17th, Philadelphia, on September 27th, Charlotte, North Carolina, and on September 28th, Richmond, Virginia. Tickets are selling fairly fast, even for the shows that are a few months out, but if

you can make it, we'd love to see you. You can get more information and links to buy tickets at HelloFromTheMagicTavern.com and click on the Live Shows tab. That's HelloFromTheMagicTavern.com and then click on the Liveictavern.com and click on the live shows tab. That's hellofromthemagictavern.com and then click on the live shows tab. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, but that can't stop us from breaking free of our usual habitat, wandering into your neck of the earth woods and terrorizing you in person. That's right,

the first two of our live shows are later this week, July 18th in Somerville, Massachusetts, and July 20th in New York City. And then, just as the rest of the country breathes a sigh of relief in August we appear in DC and Philadelphia And before anyone can recover will be in Charlotte, North Carolina and Richmond, Virginia in September and October Will be quiet provided you all behave links for tickets and info in the show notes now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Darnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Ten years and several months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting the wifi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded as we travel back to Hog's face. Although I have to confess, oh, Chunt. Chunt, do we really mess up? Like, a couple weeks ago we said, and now we're leaving for Hog's face,

and we took a couple weeks off, and I have to be honest, we're still in the same tavern, the dumb pig. Yeah, we said that, you're sure? Okay, well, I was gonna say I said that, maybe. Look, is this our opportunity to just blame this all on Usador? I guess Usador said, we're going to Hog's Face.

We're going to Hog's Face. That does sound like him. Let's say it's him. Yeah, we'll say it's him. Although, to be honest, The hogs face we're going to hogs face that does Let's say yeah, we'll say it's him although to be honest. I am excited about going back to hogs face Let's pinky promise although wait. No, I lost my pinky. I do have the other pinky Let's pinky promise that we're gonna start going to hogs face. We're hey work tomorrow salad We leave for hogs face pinky exactly. Okay. Yes How are you doing bud doing pretty good if I could get my pinky back. Thank you so much I just forgot that we were connected in that way. I know we're family basically well What happened here pinky?

Well, you know chun so many things have happened to us in the last ten years I feel like a few years back you gave me a Pinky. Well, you know, Chon, so many things have happened to us in the last 10 years. I feel like a few years back, you gave me a special Pinky ring that we use for Pinky clinkies, and it slowly cut my Pinky off. And then of course, as often happens, my Pinky started talking in its own weird voice.

And I think, and I could be wrong, Genelevia the Red has my Ascentient Pinkie in a jar. Huh, okay. I think that's it. I'm sorry, I guess, if that's, if I gave you the ring that it did all that. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, that's life.

A lot of life happens. Yeah, I've had gifts go nuts too. Somebody once gave me a wooden stein and the handle broke after a couple years. I got some socks one time from my now dead aunt that shrunk after a few washes. So yeah, I think all gifts, you know. That's just the natural deterioration of the object.

The natural deterioration, yes. Thank you. Thank you Okay, well I'm also joined by my other co-hosts Yusador the blue. Are you doing the show in there? Use yeah, Yusador what? Hang on I'm coming What is going on with you so lately I have no. I have been sitting on a horse for almost two weeks. Oh shit. Ooh, you are bow-legged.

Oh no, it's one of those things where you're like, I'm in the car and we're like, we're waiting for him to tell us it's time to go. I've been waiting for you. Oh, sorry, Usador. I thought you were going to follow me immediately. Do you need to go to the bathroom or? No, I went.

Won't follow up with any questions on that? Yuzor, why don't we do the thing? Why don't we do the podcast and then when it's done, like literally at the end, we'll like run out of the tavern, hop on your horse. Wait, do we all have... Do we just have the one horse? No, there are two other horses there. You can tell the ones that are your horses

because I have not defecated upon them. Oh, good. Well, that's very thoughtful. So, you sort of, you've had so many horses over the years, as have we all, all our horses are somewhere, but what horse are you currently riding? Silver Lightning. Silver Lightning?

Yes, and of course, Chunt, you'll be taking Bronze Lightning. Ooh, and wasn't Silver Lightning formed when a horse got struck by lightning? That's right. So he's just sort of a horse that got hit by lightning. He's a horse that got hit by lightning, but he's okay. He doesn't like it when it rains, obviously.

Sure. Whereas me, I'm only happy when it rains. Yeah. That's right. But I'm garbage, so. You are garbage. You are garbage. And Arnie, you shall be astride. Gold lightning?

Puddle. Puddle. Silver lightning, bronze lightning, and puddledle so silver lightning was hit by lightning was bronze lightning And by lightning Arnie bronze lightning was hit by bronze Yes, come on. It fell into a vat of bronze And puddle you sir puddles the the horse with all that clown makeup on right? That's right Yeah, you sir. You got gotta stop buying remaindered horses. I'm sorry, times are tough.

And you have to do what you have to do. But soon we shall set forth on a quest to find a mystical weapon back in our hometown of Hog's face. And that weapon shall help us defeat the wizards. And if it isn't true, then my name isn't Yusador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Avesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Lights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarrakas, Known to the Elves as Fianyelk, Known to the

Dwarves as Zonan who Extenges, and I am known in the North-East as Gasvanius Maystar, and I shall ride silver lightning. Great. Guys, do you see that gnome over there by the end of the tavern, like putting up flyers, it looks like? Oh, yes. One of the few non-pig patrons here in the tavern. Pardon me, friend. Would you join us for a drink? That was an extremely loud wizard speech. Oh, thank you. I'm not really used to the whole wizard speech aesthetic, but I feel like I was impressed by it.

Usually they go on for like five to 10 minutes and you really edited it down to a point where I really appreciated it. Oh, worry not, for I five to 10 minutes and you really edited it down to a point where I really appreciated it. Oh, worry not for I can talk for minutes on end. And if I am allowed to, no, okay, all right. Editing's important. Hello, hi, my name's Aggie Thistlefield. I'm putting up flyers for my familiar action rescue team.

Have you heard of us? You're putting up posters for a fart? Well, no one forgets a fart. Oh, that's true. That's very true. Especially a loud one. Yes, I'm not familiar with the familiar action rescue team. Aggie, please join us at the table and tell us more.

Yeah, please sit, sit. Do you want anything to drink, by the way? I don't, I think, do they have tea at this tavern? I'm not sure. Certainly, we can get you, but everything is served in a trough. Are you okay with a trough of tea? I love being hydrated.

That's good for me. A trough it is. I shall be right back. Does anyone else need a drink? Ooh, I'll take a Pearls before wine. Pearls before wine. Arnie? Give him a second to think of a drink. Pig, pig something? No, I'll have a Pearls before wine as well.

I was thinking, you know, doesn't it suck when you're like, that's what I was thinking and then someone else orders it. And then you're like, duh, I don't want to order this. And then that person's like, oh, you're like, that's what I was thinking, and then someone else orders it. And then you're like, duh, I don't wanna order this. And then that person's like, oh, you're just copying me. Yeah. I'll be right back. Sure. Sounds like I ordered a tiny hot tub. The drink sizes are very strange here.

But Aggie, so nice to meet you. My name is Arnie, I'm from another world. Oh, that's exciting. Yeah. Thank you. And I'm Chunt, I'm from another world. Oh, that's exciting. Yeah Then I'm Chunt. I'm a badger a little less exciting, but very nice to meet you still enthused to meet you I appreciate any adorable small creature. Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you and and Aggie you're a No, I Sometimes miss five people a southern no southern gnome. Yes I've been away for a long time.

I've been trying to build up my rescue for familiars. I don't know if you know about the plight of familiars. Would you like to hear about it? Oh, absolutely. So as you know, wizards summon familiars. A lot of times through contracts. Sometimes some wizards don't offer contracts to these familiars and they just become servants in which case it's it's unwilling It's unwilling and then sometimes familiars might be a little too willing and then murder their wizard

Oh, geez and those familiars also still need a home And so we offer them a place to stay until they can find another willing wizard, which they hopefully won't Murder. Oh, you know, I've I've been many a different type of animal I know it doesn't look like a because I'm just a badger but I've had some friends who were familiars for a you know a wizard or a witch but then they become overly familiars which is where they kind of feel like they really know the wizard they feel like they are best friends and everything and then the wizard or which is kind of like, okay You need to go like this is getting weird, you know Yeah, we we actually have a whole program for parasocial relationships with familiars. Oh, yeah

Are there they're kind of familiar called just like the vaguely familiar where they're not they're like I think I was summoned by one of you, right? I'm not sure. We summoned at some point in the past, right? Yeah, partial familiars, maybe familiars with benefits. Oh, OK. I hate to be... I am who I am, though, so I have to ask this question.

Familiars with benefits, is there a kind of romantic angle to that? We try to discourage that. That's frowned upon in the rescue community is very discouraged, yes. Yeah, I think that's probably fair. The power structure between a magic user and a familiar is probably just- Absolutely, absolutely.

No, we do, we frown upon that and we keep our familiars away from those Here are your troughs for each of you. Oh my trough. Yes. Enjoy a tea full of trough. Clinkies I'm far too weak to lift this. That's fine. I didn't know that was an option. It's more like I guess it's more like clunkies because these are wooden troughs here. Big. Well, Aggie, I did overhear a bit of what you were saying

and it sounds like you're doing some wonderful work helping these familiars find a new home. And did you have a familiar? Oh, no. You know, I've had familiars in the past, but you wake up one night and they're standing over you with an obsidian dagger and you go, oh, maybe this isn't for me. There is the adoption option, I'm just saying,

we have many available familiars. We could go take a look. There's a few So many of them are so friendly and some of them are so violent Yes, I know I know and I I feel bad that I'm not doing my part Potentially, but you know, I just have a lot going on in my life right now I'm trying to find a Weapon that will help us defeat all the evil wizards who've gone rogue a weapon that will help us defeat all the evil wizards who have gone rogue on us.

Yeah, who isn't, who isn't? Seems to be a pattern. Can you imagine that the three of us had a little animal, just a little animal sidekick that we could boss around? That's you. Nobody bosses me around though. Shut up. Okay.

Well, but Chunt, would you like a little friend that you could boss around? Ooh, I'm listening a little friend that you could boss around? Ooh, I'm listening. Maybe smaller than you? Yeah, that sounds, do you happen to, I notice you have a little sort of rolling cart next to you. Is that chock-a-block full of animals?

I have a few with me, yes, yes. I also have a few at my sanctuary along the road. Pets are five gold if you'd like to pet familiars. If you'd like to pet the larger familiars, it's 20 gold. And if you lose an arm, it's not our fault. Oh. Arnie, you always say that bringing animals on Carson makes for good TV.

Do you think that's true for our podcast as well? Does Carson also say familiars? Carson, again, I think Carson's like an Earth wizard. Yeah, on Earth there's this wonderful talk show hosted by Carson Daly, and I don't need to go into it. Oh, they sound wonderful. I hope that they have lots of familiars. Aki, can I ask, and I'm so sorry.

I have a vague understanding, or I've heard of before, or I wish there was a good word for this familiars, but like I don't really know like what's the difference between a familiar and a pet? That is an excellent question familiars are actually Sentient I mean if we want to get into the nature of consciousness we could talk about that for a while But as a mere gnome, I've only thought about consciousness a bit. Being a druid, I talk to animals as well, but some animals have base emotions, and they're very strong, whereas familiars have,

you know, an ability to talk, as we do. So they can communicate more complicated emotions, more complicated conversations, whereas animals are a little bit more black and white. Yes, Arnie, imagine a shark swimming through the ocean. The shark doesn't think. The shark doesn't think about itself or have consciousness, it just devours.

It just continues to eat and eat and eat. And then think about, well, think about Chunt. Hello. Chunt likes to move around and think and think and think, but he doesn't just eat and eat and eat. He also is like, what's going on with me? How do I feel today? Am I upset?

But now I am super hungry. Familiars can be more complicated and a problem, like a roommate versus having a pet. Oh, I see. Aggie, you know your stuff. An obnoxious roommate, sometimes an okay roommate, but I'm not, it depends on the familiars. Sometimes they wash their dishes, sometimes they don't.

Aggie, have you ever had a familiar of your own? I consider all of my adopted familiars my own. I may have a bad time setting boundaries with how many familiars I should be taking under my wing. And now I have many and I'm trying to Pond them off on adventures is you no, okay that makes sense Arnie. I noticed a spider on Their head as well. I didn't know if that was a familiar if I should kill it or You saw it you saw it good job, okay

Well, let's take a quick break, and as soon as we're back, I'll tell you about some of the tales, long-winded as I can about the times that I've had familiars. Oh, how these tales shall go on and on. But Ian, now, we must take a break. I, as soon as I stop talking, the break shall begin. That's true, as soon as this sentence is over, we shall cut to a commercial.

Chunt, is he's not afraid of breaks? I don't know. Have we figured out slow fade yet? So about 140 years ago, I did have, it was the last time I had a familiar, and it didn't work out so well. As I mentioned, as I alluded to before, I woke up one night, and this familiar was holding an obsidian blade, one of the very few ways you can kill a wizard, of course, with an obsidian blade, a dagger, and was about to kill me. And of course, this familiar was an 800 pound gorilla.

What? Yes? Were you nice to this familiar? Did you treat them with respect and kindness? I was incredibly respectful. I was incredibly nice. And I... I mean, Usador, to be fair,

you already are talking about its weight, right? Like the first thing you said was like... That is true, that's very rude. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Now what I... He's very true. Yeah, he always calls me a North East EF5. What the hell?

I only bring it up because traditionally, familiars are like a cat or a frog or an owl, something a little bit on the smaller side. A gorilla, a large powerful gorilla is an unusual familiar. Sure. But we met one day while I was walking through Gorilla Forest and I ran into Mr. Tonks. And Mr. Tonks.

Yes, and Mr. Tonks, he was he was a very intelligent gorilla. We had a wonderful conversation and I said, uh, what are you doing for the rest of your life? And Mr. Tonks became my familiar completely consensually and then one day after a few years together, three or four years, he said, you know, I missed the forest. Could I have a few days off? And I was right in the middle of a big quest, getting ready to go out in this huge quest,

like very important, was gonna slay three dragons, three dragons who were terrorizing the valley. And I was like, what, I really need you here right now, Mr. Tonks. And that night, woke up, Mr. Tonks had a blade over my head and I immediately, summarily let him go. Most familiars aren't trained in the blade. Are you sure this wasn't just another wizard in a costume

pretending to be a familiar? Ooh, good call. Oh, the long con. I don't think so, because it often reached in under its neck and kind of scratched at its flesh neck underneath... Classic gorilla. ...the edge of its fur. I think that maybe one of your rival...

We don't see... Gorillas are extremely intelligent, usually sentient by themselves, and as a familiar, are very difficult to have as a familiar. I think maybe one of your rival wizards was maybe dressed up as a gorilla and tried to kill you. I don't think so because I could see his green robe sticking out from beneath his fur.

Classic gorilla. And he kind of talked like this. And I was like, he sounded a lot like my friend Spintax the Green. And it's possible, well, ah. Spintax Mr. Tonks, Spintonks? Yeah, we've met, familiars don't usually murder in this way. And if you were treating them with respect, it does take a bit of a riling up, so to speak,

to get them to that point. So I believe that maybe this was just a rival wizard. It never occurred to me before. I'm so sorry. This happens a lot actually. Wizards are so fickle and they love dressing up in weird little animal costumes. And it just really, it's a problem

in the familiar community. I'm so sorry. It's all right. I guess the clue that should have tipped me off is when it ripped off its mask as it left and it put back on its giant green pointy hat and said, fuck you, you said, oh, and then flew off on a broom.

Classic gorilla. So this happened for years. For like, I'm just trying to, next time I see Spintax, who, you know, we're at war with, so it probably will not be the first thing I bring up. But I'm very curious to find out, like, was it just a ploy to get closer to you for a while? Or did it start as a prank? And then for years, he's like, how do I pay this off?

I mean, you're asking the wrong guy. Uh, I thought he was a gorilla the whole time. Uh, I should have known better. Uh, I see in retrospect, retrospect, it makes perfect sense. I do have a question. Do you think he was happier as a gorilla? Ooh, oh, that's an excellent question. I sometimes think that maybe,

maybe being a wizard, being an adventurer is hard and being a gorilla could be freeing. Being a wizard is hard, but what you have to understand, Aggie, is that the goddesses demanded that there be a hero, someone who would step forth, and they summoned me forth into this world so that I could defeat evil in all its forms, and I said, yay, I shall take on this duty. I'm sorry, Aggie. I'm so sorry, Aggie.

Oh, no, keep going. This is duty. And then all the, what? I'm sorry, Aggie, I'm so sorry, Aggie. Oh no, keep going, this is great. It's like a puppet show. Ysador's sort of like a politician, and if you get anywhere close to certain topics, he just wants to like, he'll just go and start talking about how he was summoned. Oh, it's amazing.

Oh, it's fascinating. Aggie, I have a question for you about familiars. Yes, yes. I guess I always imagine, I don't wanna be a usador about this, but like what's the biggest familiar that a person can have? Like should they generally be smaller than you or could you have like a whale familiar or dragon familiar?

Oh, I was just gonna say, no, believe it or not, whales, dolphin, they're very common. They're very smart. Obviously not so much for us land-faring folks. For us land folks, large eagles, they can carry us gnomes around. Oh sure. Caw caw, like they just grab us and just drag us places. The eagles will show up, they'll take us away.

They think this is great. Public transportation. The eagles will show up. They'll take us away This is great Even if you think like these Eagles are never gonna get back together Hell freezes over. Yeah, they'll show up. I mean they won't talk to each other, but they'll show up I think one of the most problematic ones is probably crabs crabs are not nice. They're very grabby Soft they're sharp. No one likes that, no one likes that. You sir, you had a little crab for a while and every time you would, you know,

you'd be over a cauldron sort of making a concoction and you'd be like wand and the crab would grab the wand, just snap it in half. Yeah, we've had a big problem with wizards taking familiars and then getting stuck in the wilderness and eating them. And that's all, that's just not. Oh yeah.

Yeah, that's been a big problem. So we have been working on that. Well, I am fortunate that I've never had to stoop to eating one of my familiars, but I do, as Chon said, often ask them, scalpel, ask them to send me, hand me a thing, wand, potion, like mostly I just need people to hand things to me. So I don't even think I really need a familiar

as much as I need like. Oh, I think you'd do great with a crab. Well, but as you heard, snapped the wand right in half. Just snapped right through it. And that was no good. It's too bad. So I think what I need is like. A bench closer to your workspace? A bench, I need a bench.

I need a bench I can put stuff on. But then you forget to put something there and you're right in the middle of the spell. You don't wanna like walk over to the big cabinet or into the pit of despair where you keep a lot of your stuff. It's just difficult. I'll say it again, being a wizard must be very hard.

It's very hard. Thank you, Aggie. Thank you, Aggie. Must be very hard. Sometimes, sometimes you know what happens? Your friends all decide to go on an adventure, and then you go sit on a horse for two fucking weeks. Yeah.

Oh, oh, tell me more about that. Let's unpack that. Oh, that was it. A couple weeks ago, these guys right here were all gung ho to go on a adventure. And I got on the horse and I've just been sitting on the horse. It rained a lot. Is it your friends don't value you? Oh, no, they no, they look up to me. They think I'm their hero.

Right. Yeah, the guy who shit on the horse. That's my guy. I mean, look, let's be clear. I think the problem is, U-Store is a little codependent. Just a little codependent. That's what it sounds like. That's what it sounds like.

What do you mean? We don't need to spend all of our time together. I love you, buddy. We're on quests together all the time. But if you run out the door, I'm not always gonna just follow you everywhere all the time. Your loss. If you want something that will always follow you

everywhere you go, there's gotta be something that will do that. I don't know what that would be. I guess, I guess. Now that you mention it, I suppose that'd be a familiar, wouldn't it? Exactly, and I think this is an excellent lesson in practicing some boundaries with your friends.

Okay. Oh yeah. Fine, Chant Arnie, what do you need? Ooh. Arnie, what do we need? That's a good question. Like, do we need- Do we need to go on a quest?

I do want to have healthy boundaries with these doors. To go on a quest? But also, I'm kind of codependent too, so I don't want to have too strong a boundaries. Yeah, same. A big question. Aggie, what do you want? Oh, I just want to show you my familiars.

I have so many fun familiars that need homes. I would love to just see if you would like to adopt any to take them on your new journey in having boundaries with your friends and maybe some extra little squiggly things you can keep in your pack. This was always meant to happen. Now we're supposed to leave two weeks ago,

but I was always meant to take one of these beautiful animals into mine care, where I shall ensure that not only it helps me with great magical accomplishments, but I keep it safe and protected and warm and loved. And my friends then feel that they have the space that they need to do the things that they need to do. And I can spend time with my new familiar friend instead. And I'm just gonna keep going until somebody comes me up.

Aggie, what other familiars did you bring today? That speech was beautiful. Thank you. Well, I have a few, I don't know if you're really interested in a few baby oozes. They're not really that functional. They're just kind of like, if you throw them at a wall,

they stick. Sure. Like those little hands, they just stick. Those are, I have a whole bag of those. Do you have baby oozes that stick to the wall, but then they like slowly creep down. They come and almost like flip down. Oh, so slow.

Oh, that's fun. Yeah, they don't really do much else. I do have a baby manticore. Oh. A little bit violent and aggressive. I thought that he just really enjoyed attacking stuffed animals, but it turns out it was a different behavior

that may not have been appropriate. But he's fine, he's fine. He's very, I think, lots of potential. You know, Chunt's mom was a medicole. Mm-hmm. Oh, what, really? Yeah. Yeah. She still is, but she was.

Oh, that, really? Yeah. Yeah. She still is, but she was. Oh, that's great. Yeah, this one might not be as mentally sound, but we will trust that he's fine. Interesting. Yeah, a couple of crows, you can see them circling around, stealing food for me. I do love birds. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yeah, those crows do just keep like flying over periodically and just dropping some food in front of you. Uh, yes, I, uh, well, charity work, you know, doesn't pay well, so I just get the crows to steal. I mean, borrow things from the local inns and just drop them off. Now, look, I'm not going to just take any animal here. I have to ask a few questions. I have to be inquisitive to make

sure I find the right fit for me. I want to know, do these crows have eyes? Do the crows have eyes? Oh, they have both eyes. Yes, correct. Yes. Great. That is important. That's an important question. Yes. Okay. The oozes don't have eyes. Okay. The oozes don't have eyes. Okay. Good to know. Good to know. I'm writing this down. No. But they are great for getting into locked chests, so everything has its use. Hmm, I'm really pushing these oozes. Is it possible for me to take more than one? If I get an ooze, I feel like I still need something else.

I feel like the ooze isn't gonna cover all of these. No, they're kind of passive. Yeah, exactly. Do some adventurers just have so many familiars because they have such specialized abilities? Like the ooze is if they're just good for getting into chess, it's like, how many things do you have to do all these different tasks?

Oh, I mean, have you met other adventuring parties? They have like 10 different animals. I mean, this is a min-max of adventurers. You can have different familiars for different things, some to annoy people that you come across, some to unlock chests, some to just be a problem for someone in charge. Do we get a bulk discount?

Oh, absolutely, yes, yes. As you can see, I have a cart full of familiars. Obviously the crows, the oozes, the manticore, that one is shaking a little bit, because a little bit violent, but I do have a couple of other smaller familiars, a few rats. Okay, yeah, I was gonna ask, any mammals?

How are we doing mammal-wise? I have a few rats, they're very friendly, very kind. They're also excellent at doing any sort of thieving work. Yes, oh yeah, rats are good for thieving. I have said many, many thieving things. I am not a thief, I just borrow things. No, no, no, no. None of us are thieves.

We just take the things we need. Yeah, yes, correct. Okay. Okay, look, here's what I think right now. Ani, Chunt, you tell me if you disagree. I think we should each have a news. I know the two of you aren't necessarily magic users, but I think it'd be fine if they had their own ooze, right?

If they needed to get into something. Oh yes, and they're very loyal. They love to hang out with you. You need a potion bottle to put the ooze into because they are acidic and corrosive. Touching them will rub your fingers to the bone. Your finger will fall off. And is there a thing of like, you know,

I fall asleep and then I wake up in the middle of the night and the ooze is like crawling in my mouth and I'm screaming and it becomes like a whole thing? That's not impossible, but you live a life of danger. Yeah, I guess I do. If I have one in a bottle and I open it, will I hear the secret of the ooze? You could, you could.

I'm not saying yes or no. Okay. I mean, you're a wizard of great power power you might be able to hear the ooze talk to you in your sleep Oh guys this could be huge I feel like we have run across you know like Aggie was kind of saying we we've run across other parties of like three Travelers who are close buds just like us, but they have a whole menagerie of animals who it's like There's a hawk that's look out. They have a whole menagerie of animals who it's like, there's a hawk that's lookout. They have a getaway horse. They have, you know, a gecko that draws up plans. Like they have a whole sort of crew. We could have that.

Okay, here's my proposal. Three oozes. We're going to take one of the crows and two of the rats. How does that sound to you, Oni? Ysidor, again, you're just making decisions for all of us. I don't think I won an ooze. First of all, I can't remember the last time I tried to open a chest. I cannot, like, I see, I'm just sort of like, there's treasure in there. I don't care. If you had a bottle with an ooze in it, then you could open a chest, though. I mean, you haven't been opening chests because you don't have a way to do it.

Look, I am open to us accumulating some familiars because this whole conversation is making me think, like, do other adventuring parties think that we're losers because it's usually just the three of us? Like, oh yeah, I feel like a lot of times on the road, people will pass us and scream loser at us. You don't hear that? Yeah, and I haven't thought about it until now, but usually most other adventuring parties that we pass, it's like there's just a cloud of animals around them. Like, why don't we have at least a couple? Well, I, well, cause I got burned by that gorilla.

That was really spintax. Look, we'll take extra care to make sure none of the familiars are secretly spinttaxed, but we can't promise. We just can't promise. I promise. I promise none of these zooses are any of your rivals. I am running a charity for familiars that have been ill-tempered or abandoned. So just so you know, these familiars are in need of a safe home where they can recover from having a bad time with other wizards.

So you need to be nice to them. We're very nice. What, Chunt? You don't think we're nice? No, I think we are nice, but it just feels like, is this gonna be exhausting? A big part of the sales pitch is that they're ill-tempered. I have to say, that gives me pause. Most familiars are ill-tempered. I have to say, that gives me pause.

Most familiars are ill-tempered. I mean, ask any wizard. These ones just happen to be a little bit more ill-tempered and needed assistance getting adopted again. You said ask any wizard? Any wizard. You said or is that true? Oh yeah.

Shit. Okay, fuck. Well, how about we do this? Look, I'm curious to hear more about your familiars, but I don't wanna be limited by the dinky ones you brought in this cart. You said you have a- Dinky? What's that?

Dinky? Yeah, the dinky, the little ones. I don't want the impulse buy familiars, right? Like the chapstick familiars. Like I wanna see what the real stock is. Like you said you had a sanctuary nearby. Could we take a break and maybe go to your sanctuary and see what you got?

Oh, absolutely. It's super close. It's five gold to enter, if that's fine. Sure, yeah, we've got tons of gold. Five gold for all of us? Oh, sure, yeah. Okay. That just makes me feel like I got something,

so thank you This place is great. There's so many weird animals in here. Oh, yeah. Look at this. There's a bobcat We got like a lynx. There's a mountain lion. There's a puma cougar There's an ocelot cheetah. There's a guy lion, there's a puma, a cougar, there's an ocelot, a cheetah. There's a guy in a gorilla costume. Oh, oh, pick me, pick me! Don't pay attention to the gorilla costume. We have lots of staff here that take great care of the animals. You can see them now, just throwing some chum over at that gorilla, so fresh.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, delicious chum. Excellent. Gorilla chum over at that gorilla, so fresh. Mm-mm-mm, delicious chum. Excellent, gorilla chum, my favorite. How do you feed all these animals? Like, do you just feed some of the animals to the other animals? Well, no, no, of course not. A lot of the inns, you know, food goes bad, and then the familiars can get it, you know, at a discount.

We have a lot of different deals with the locals. Also, you know, adventurers run across dead bodies all the time, and some of our more exotic animals love to eat coltists and whoever we can find to provide them a varied diet. So you just, some people just bring dead bodies from the road here. Well, I mean, yes and no, we pay them.

Yeah, I mean, what else are you gonna do with a dead body? Cut off its head and throw it in the river? That's just a funeral. Well, what are we going to feed this pseudo dragon or the manticore or, I mean, they have a specific diet. We don't want them to go hungry. Sure. Can I ask what are some of the most

troubled familiars you have here? Yes. Would you like to meet them? Sure. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We are going to have to go to the caves if that's fine. Okay. Sure. Yeah, I love caves.

All right, well, they're a bit dark, but watch your step. Wait a minute. The sign here says cave entry, five gold. Oh, you already paid your five gold. That's fine. Okay, so there's not like another additional fee to go into the caves. Oh, no, no, no, you're fine.

All right, let's go on in then. But wait a second. There's a sign that says cave exiting five gold. Do we have to pay another five gold to eventually leave the cave? No, that's just in case. Sometimes people don't come out. That's a different problem. Don't worry, we'll get you out.

You're interested in adoption, which is the most important thing at this sanctuary. Okay. Yes, yes, come down here. It'll be fine. Hello, hello? It's a bit echoey. I don't see... Gorrils?

Gorrils? I started to yell. Yeah, Gorrils? Gorrils? It's a bit, uh, it's a bit echoey. I don't see Girls girls. I started to yell. I'm yeah girls girls Girls. Oh, I see some eyes some eyes just open somewhere Yes, it's a it's a Unfortunately, it is a gaggle of night of night hags. Oh, oh. But they're, yeah, so they're a little bit cursed. They're like hens, hags, you know, they might have cursed themselves.

It's like chicken people, maybe. They're really large hags that are also chickens that live in a cave. Wow. They're hideous. Yeah, I don't know about taking them on as a familiar. Oh, that one's got its tentacles out. Come here.

All right. Come here, girls. Get off. Girls. Yeah. Get off. Come here, girls. Get off.

Oh, wait. There's a little machine here. Let me put a copper in. Oh, there's some feed here. You sort of feed it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. There you go.

Oh, and here comes. Hand flat. Hand flat. Oh, oh, oh. Put your hand flat. Do you see? Do you see? You have some of the little Baba Yaga's hut. Do you see it? It's coming. Oh, my god. It hand flat. Do you see, do you see? You have summoned the little Baba Yaga's hut.

Do you see it? Do you see, it's coming. Oh my God, it's huge. Do you see her? Oh, she's very cute. Oh, she's like our tavern. Oh yeah, she's, oh, she's very big, but she's trying to get, she's trying to get the food.

Maybe just throw it. There, there. Oh, oh. Whew, that was a little bit upsetting, yes. But a sentient house! That's very impressive. Yes, I can't deny that. Youssef or Chun, if we're gonna add some familiars

to our adventuring party, like what is the attribute we're looking for? Like some of these are disturbing and unsettling, but maybe that's a plus? Like do we wanna have like a creepy, intimidating familiars or do we want to have like cute, cuddly familiars or really smart familiars? I feel like maybe like a floating camel

where it's like people pass us and they're like, whoa. Like that's what I wouldn't elicit. It's like a whoa. We do have a nightmare. Do you know what that is? A horse that only rides at night? And is on fire. Oh like that. It's an on fire demon horse. Okay. A very very ill-behaved familiar next to the the hags in the Baba Yaga hut which are living in the cave but we can go

see the nightmare if you'd like to see that. Yeah, that sounds great. We're talking about a horse that's on fire that you can barely control. Yeah. They do eat the severed hands of thieves, but I think you can find plenty of them. But it has to be thieves, so we have to find thief hands?

Yeah, you need to feed them a hand of glory every month, and if you don't, then they'll try and kill you with the Obsidian Dagger again. The Obsidian Dagger? They only have to be fed once a month, a hand of glory, no problem. Yeah, they're like a snake. Yeah, I'm not worried about that. I want to be on a flaming horse, called a nightmare, when I confront Spintax about this whole gorilla bullshit. How do you sit on a flaming horse? And how would a horse hold a sitting horse?

Only part is on fire. Ah. Ah, what part's on fire? Just the mane and the tail. Ah, well the mane is pretty close to the sitting part. I mean. Ah, well. I'll be fine. Arnie, you're gonna be riding Puddle anyway,

it doesn't matter. Duh. All right, now're gonna be riding Puddle anyway, it doesn't matter. All right, now let's go see this horse. All right, well, throw the rest of the treats at the tags of the house. They're getting rowdy. Okay, goodbye girls. Arnie, to answer your earlier question, here's what I'm thinking right now.

We get a trio of oozes. We get a crow, we get a couple of rats. We get a couple of the mid-sized like lynxes and pumas that are around here. And then we kind of fill it out with like fun, normal-ish animals and then we get two absolute killers. We get a nightmare. We get the Baba Yaga and everybody's like, oh cool, it's a bunch of like rats and dogs and cats and chickens and whatever. Normal animal stuff. Then a nightmare and a Baba Yaga, and they're like, what the hell's going on there?

It's like, it's really like shock and awe at the end there, at the end of the line. You do have to take care of them. No, we would definitely take care of them. Well, but who? You, Sidor. What? Are you who are you responsible enough to take care of all these familiars? I take care of them every single day, if you let me.

The Baba Yaga hut does need a litter box. I'm so sorry. They need a really big litter box. They need a literal box? Yeah, like a big box full of litter. Listen, the shit's on that thing. Yeah. All right.

Well, I suppose, I suppose that Puddle could carry a cart that would have a litter box in it. And then, what does the Nightmare need? Just the Hand of Glory once a month, or does it need anything else? Wood? You just toss wood on it to me? Yeah, how do you keep the nightmare need? Just the hand of glory once a month or does it need anything else? Wood? You just toss wood on it to me? Yeah, how do you keep the fire going? No, it does need a constant daily affirmation that it is the most specialist and prettiest horse in the whole entire world.

And if you have any- Oh, so it's Arnie. If you have any other familiars, it does get jealous immediately and tries to kill them. Oh, really? Wow, that's good. That does remind me, it's been a whole day and I'm just, I haven't heard any... Arnie, you're the tallest and prettiest. You speak the best, you sound the best, you stand the best, you run the best. Thank you buddies, thank you.

And your hair is a slightly different color of brown today. Good job. Thank you All right, the clock has started for tomorrow. I Hate that he has a literal hourglass so annoying Usin or but your plan I like here's what I like about your plan. Yeah, I like the going big yeah, I like the flashy familiars, but Wouldn't make more sense for us to just get a handful of flashy familiars? Because no one's going to be like, did you see that flaming horse and the upside down

camel? Oh, and also they had some chickens and some rats and some things like that. Whoa, there's an upside down camel? I didn't know that. Look at this upside down camel. Wow. Yeah, that one has a bladder problem. That's why it's upside down.

Ah, that makes sense. That explains it. Yeah, so sometimes we are a recovery sanctuary as well for our familiars with other problems such as bladder problems. That's fair. I'm no expert, but it just looks like this upside down camel is just peeing all over itself.

It is, but I will say that you can ride the upside down floating camel as a flying mount. It does fly. It's just that he needs a constant medication and care for the bladder problem and being upside down, but an excellent familiar and very friendly. No problems there. Okay. I guess I could see how if you're riding it upside down, like holding onto its legs would be handles.

I can kind of see it. I feel like that's a very wizardly mount. Yeah, I could imagine myself a stride and upside down camel. Arnie, get off that camel, let go of its legs. I mean, it's kind of, I'm just trying to figure it out. Arnie, we said we could picture it, please let that guy be. Oh, it's beautiful of, I'm just trying to figure it out. Arnie, we said we could picture it.

Please, let that guy be. Oh, it's beautiful, look at him go. It's so slippery, there's so much pee up here. Look at him go, it's like a beautiful rain. Arnie, stop screaming, it's getting in your mouth. Arnie. So much pee, so much pee. Oh, he needs his medication, get him back down.

Why did I get up here? Now Arnie, I hear what you were saying before. You just want the flashy ones. The ones that would be the most impressive. But the thing is, we also need some very practical familiars. Because sometimes, I'm not Kidman, this is practical magic.

Yeah, Aggie, do you have like, is there like a pen for the flashy animals? So like a salamander or um, yes Yeah, well, I let's go over to the gift shop and I can show you So we have a quite a few here We have a few souvenirs. Obviously have some of our more famous Familiars here at the stop, which is the upside down bladder peeing camel, the Baba Yaga hut, the manticore.

And then you can see here there's a couple of more oozes and jars. And then here you can see our more display familiars that are a little bit more appealing to the eyes, which are the Phoenix. The Phoenix here. And this Phoenix does bite, but it also will repeat things that you say. So it's a give and take. Oh, that's fun. Ooh, the Phoenix is really snuggling up to that Wolverine.

That's gonna make someone jealous, I'm sure. The Phoenix has a strange relationship with the Wolverine. They were raised together. Seems they feel safe with them. They're a package deal. Oh, look, there's a crystal ball with Artie. There's a little image of you getting pissed in the mouth by the camel. Can I...

Oh, okay, prints are five gold? Yes, yes. You can take the crystal ball with a print of your ride on the camel back home with you for five gold. Oh, yes, here you go. It's how we make money for the sanctuary. Sure, sure. I also see a sign here that says five coins if you don't buy anything. That's only really if we don't like you, or if you have your arm eaten off.

Oh, shit. Only by the hags of the manticore and the barbarian. There's a few things here that, like arms. Guys, shun, shun, Ysidor. Just real quick, remind me, in all ten years of this podcast that we've had, you're very pretty, you're very good, you're very talkative. You're the tallest guy, you sit down with perfect grace. Okay, you're good for another 48 hours. But I'm trying to remember, in the 10 years of this podcast, have we ever stolen anything? Like by any definition, would we be considered people with thieve hands?

Oh, good question. I'm guessing we have. We're way down. We went through a full. We're way down. We went through a cave. We're in a gift shop. We're far away from where anyone could hear us. I don't- Surrounded by crazy animals,

including one that has an insatiable thirst for thief hands. Okay, okay, okay. Now look, I can't deny that at some point we've probably taken something we weren't supposed to take. Well, that's strange. The nightmare seems to be riding up against its enclosure. Okay, but we're not thieves.

We've never declared ourselves thieves. We've never like put on a cloak. I've never seen it this agitated. Okay, but we've never like snuck in somewhere and like, ooh, we're going to thief this thing away. Like, we've never done that, I don't think, have we? Someone's jumped over the fence. Okay, all right, we gotta get out of here

for this thing needs our hands. Uh, look, hey, back off. Oh, no, Reginald, Reginald, Reginald, Reginald. Also, Chuck, you clearly just put that ooze in your pocket and weren't gonna pay for it. Yeah. Oh my God, the nightmare saw this burning out the horses by the horses burning I need to get the staff out of here the staff are going to

be in oh no the buildings on fire we gotta get out of this place it's on fire the only thing that's gonna save us from the fire, everybody on the pea camel! Everyone on the upside down pea camel! Everyone get on the pea camel! Oh no! Yeah, let's get all the animals on the pea camel, quick! Come here! At least grab two of everyone.

Come here little baby yagas! We need two of every creature on the piss camel. Come here. Come on night hags, come on. I thought that you all loved us. Spider-Man the Pea Campbell, come back. Spider-Man. Come back.

That's a good name. Spider-Man the Pea Campbell. Now I want the Pea Campbell! Come back Spider-Man! You loved us! Well Aggie, we made it out. Thank you for showing us your sanctuary. I'm so sorry that we seemed to have burned the place to the ground. I just saw one of my staff members pulling out a bunch of snakes and passing out. I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. to the ground. I just saw one of my staff members pulling out a bunch of snakes and passing out. I'm so sorry. Oh, they were Hydra heads, it's fine.

Okay, I'm gonna cast like a rain spell to try to get this under control. So I'll just be over here doing that. That would be nice. And while he does that, do you mind if we answer some emails? That sounds great. These were all my familiars after all and I'll just mourn them in my own time.

Okay well here's the listeners can email us the show you can email us at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies it's a real email address or you can join our patreon at patreon.com magic tavern here's an email we got recently Arnie Chunt and usador oh and this is interesting because this references something Chunt that you said at the beginning of the episode You had mentioned salad tomorrow recently. I still remember hearing that phrase so many years ago I am waiting for this to be on sale I am actively losing weight and I would love it to be one of the first T-shirts I've worn in a long time don't really know what that means. Please sell the shirt. Thanks Shrike

Actively losing weight so they're running out of patients. I Guess so wait, how is weight spill? Artie I forgot it's already never mind. Here's the problem. There's there's waiting and wait there. It's spelled a couple different ways in the email. And I'm just gonna say for so that's not the phrase. What salad tomorrow?

Wasn't it salad tomorrow? The phrase is tomorrow. Salad. Oh, you it salad tomorrow? The phrase is tomorrow salad. Oh, you're right. Huh, okay. Well, we should do the right one. Oh, sorry. But what about horse tomorrow?

I think that's tomorrow horse. No, no, tomorrow horse. Am I the only one listening? Okay, here's what I'm gonna say. I'm gonna change my shirt in our merch store to now be Tomorrow salad it will be there for a limited time And it's now on like Dashery or the links in the bio It's still be essentially T public, but we get a better cut of it

So I encourage you to buy tomorrow salad today Hmm. Yes, but go but go to the Dashery page, not the T-Public page. It's different. We don't know. We get a better cut, I think. So what's my shirt gonna be? Spider-Man and the Pissed Camel? Think about it, Yusufor. I fear we'd be shut down very quickly for that, but it is tempting. While you think about that, let me read one more email. Here's another email. It's pretty short. It just says, your voice has so much bass, my butt vibrates on car rides.

Keep up the glorious work. Thank you. Oh yes, Arnie, your voice has so much bass. You're the bassiest. You have the longest neck and your arms are so strong. Was that intended for all three of us? I'm not sure who it was for, but thank you, Chun, for complimenting me again.

You're good for another stakeout. Wait a minute, another stakeout? Arnie, who wrote that email? They didn't say. I mean, I'm not gonna just give out their email address because so many people are gonna wanna get in touch with this pervert. Here's what I went Here's what I want to do. Let's assume their name is pervert everyone including you Aggy if you'd like Let's all give this pervert what they want

There's no base here. It's just yelling a shrill yelling It's exactly what they don't want pervert turn up the volume as high as you want. Here we go Thank you for the email Thank you for the email and Thank you for the email I literally couldn't think of anything to say I was so focused on trying to sound as bassy as possible now look who's talking Oh shit guys. I almost forgot the promise we made at the beginning of the episode.

We were gonna jump on our horses and head straight for Hog's face. Aggie, I'm so sorry, thank you so much. Your place is so- There's no more horses. There's no more, they've all ran away because my entire sanctuary is on fire. Yeah, but they're less troubled. In a way, they've been set free

and we saved many of them and... Oh, wait, wait, wait, Spider-Ben's back. Piss Campbell's back. Do you want him? Not so fast. Maybe we do. He does seem friendly. He's got really big eyes and they're really wet.

Alright, we'll take Spider-Man the piss camel. Hear me out, Ysador. We have a bad habit of getting new horses and immediately forgetting that we have them. And losing them because we can't remember their names. It seems like it would be really hard for us to forget spider-man the upside-down piss camel fine Yes, we can keep him Who saved who am I right adoption is forever Here's an extra five coins I can eat today

Hooray! I can eat today! Alright my codependent friends! Wait, hold on! We really gotta take care of that! Alright, here's another five course! Yay! Alright, Ysidor, Chunt, my codependent friends, let's hop on this upside down piss camel and head to Hogsface!

Whee! Huzzah! We're on our way! Goodbye friends! Goodbye! I can't believe you ordered a tea when you hadn't eaten in a long time! It's fine, I have no boundaries! As if I even need to say it, Spider-Man the Upside Down Piss Camel was never heard from again. Well, now there's a Tomorrow Salad T-shirt available in the merch store for a limited time.

I suppose you get the t-shirts you deserve. Link to the Dashery store in the show notes. Usado the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffae. Aggie Thistlefield was played by special guest Holly Conrad. Check out Holly's Twitch channel, where she streams mental health Mondays at twitch.tv slash birdholly. Also her website hollyconrad.com, her online, Wee Crowing Hens, and her art.

The Gorilla Familiar was played by Charlie McCracken. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, where Arnie, Chunt, and Usador answer questions from patrons. Remember when I invented that format? Anyway, here's the diminishing returns clip.

Arnie, I feel like almost daily you do proclaim that women be shopping. What is Bills Be Going Crazy? I do say that exactly. Bills Be Going Crazy? You know, we keep getting word back from my world that things are getting more and more expensive. That's a good thing, right?

No, well, I mean, I'm no economist, but I imagine it's a painful thing for people if they're used to paying one price or something and they have to pay more for it. Well, I'm sure employers everywhere will raise wages accordingly. Ernie, is your friend Abdul looking for you? Do you think who a doll? Oh, Adel. Yeah, I have a friend back on Earth named Adel. Oh, you're saying it wrong. I'm sure he's tirelessly looking for me and probably like that guy.

He won't quit. He I'm sure he remembers me and is spending a lot of time looking for me. It's been a long time. Now my friend Matt Young, he's probably dead. Well, sure. You can't live long with a name like that. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young and Adol Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Marissa Ewing.

Welcome to the team, Marissa. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.