Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 63 - Bridge Troll Now (w/ Padraic Connelly)

Episode Date: July 21, 2025

Returning to Hogsface means crossing the Ashit Bridge and dealing with Clovis the bridge troll.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungClovis the Bridge Troll: Padraic ConnellyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tony GullickMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Check out our upcoming LIVE SHOWS!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, and if I have my Earth calendar working correctly, our live shows are currently underway, with all of our central cast on the road. Which means if you've been planning to sneak into the Magic Tavern home base and really mess things up, ensure that production grinds to a halt. Now would be the perfect time. Send me a private message for the password into Magic Tavern headquarters, but also I'll tell you right now. It's PLOT underscore no thanks. All caps and the A is that at symbol because they make you use a special character. And as far as special characters connected to this show are concerned, that's the only one. Happy Mischief Making!

Now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food. Oh, sorry. John, can you move your arm a little bit? We're a little tight. Yeah. Sorry. And use it are Three of us riding on this upside-down camel is not comfortable

The camel has a name on it. That's spider-man. Thank you Can we actually before I can we just dismount off of this camel? Sure. I suppose so It just doesn't I just don't want to do the show like all bunched up on on top of this camel's junk, essentially. Also, we hadn't talked about it too much, but riding on this upside down camel, why do I have to take the junk seat? Well, someone's got to take it. Well, seniority, you know, I've been here the longest, then Chanton, you've only been here about 10 years. So, you know, you're working your way up there, pal. Okay, fine.

All right, I'm getting off. Ooh, ooh, it turns out I have some of those magical grapes left as a little snack. How about we divvy them up, uh, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, based on seniority? Ooh. So let's give, uh, you sort of get some, and then I'll get some, and then Arnie, I'm so sorry it looks like there's none left. Oh, I'm so mad about it. I don't even remember what these magical grapes do. Oh, they taste like whatever you want them to taste like mine tastes like grapes

Mine tastes like Raisins you guys are doing it so wrong magic is wasted on you guys We don't talk about this enough, but magic is wasted on you guys Well, what would you do with magic if you, since you're such a big hot shot now? I'd make it taste like a plan to defeat the Dark Lord, although we already defeated the Dark Lord. I don't know, fuck it, you're right.

Magic would be wasted on me too. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is it, this is kind of what it is. You've already gotten a sense of it. However, if you need to know a little bit more, 10 years and a couple months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of Foon. Luckily,

I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast here in the magical land of Foon on The road back to hogsface guys Does that feel like good branding the road back we get on the road back to hogsface on the road sounds kind of dumb Nothing good could have that name probably yeah. Yeah, maybe camelin' up, humpin' along. Upside down camel trek. Yeah. You guys are really focusing on the upside down camel aspect of what's going on with us.

I really more wanna focus on. Well, with great responsibility comes great power. Ooh, speaking of responsibility, someone has to clean the camel. Why don't we choose who does that by, I wanna say seniority. Oh, good idea. I think Arnie, I think Arnie's been here

the least amount of time, so Arnie, you clean up Spider-Man, please. Have you guys considered delegating this task based on who would do it well? Because I would probably do it worse. It might be a close race between you and I, Chunt, but you sort of would do it the best. Thank you.

Maybe you might burn the camel. Oh, Ernie, remember? Oh, they, well, Chunt, the best way to clean anything is fire, we all know that. Oh. Yeah, let's just, let's just cremate this camel. No, we saved this camel's life. We saved this camel. Oh, right. We let's just cremate this camel. No, we saved this life We can't just burn it immediately the next episode but cremating it would be so easy

And then but look if we burn it we can't say like it's more like that camel rescued us Huh? Don't know what that means. Aren't you remember a few years ago when you gave us all senior superlatives? Check you were means. Arnie, remember a few years ago when you gave us all senior superlatives? I think you were Arson Arnie. I think I was clever chunt, but it was meant to be sarcastic. Yes. You said nothing. There was no alliterative thing for Usador, unfortunately. Underwear Usador, doesn't even track, doesn't sound right.

Sounds like two different words. Yeah, because also you never wear underwear Why would I yeah, how am I supposed to set things on fire if I'm wearing underwear? Unfortunately, I know that with too much confidence Hmm. Oh guys, we must be we must be getting close to hogsface again because look it's the Asshet bridge I always remember that's sort of the bridge in and out of the Hog's Face area. Oh yeah. The Trek home, what a wonderful opportunity this is to relive all those wonderful memories of years gone by.

Ooh, a long day's journey into night. That's what we call this. I like that a lot. Yeah, how do you spell night? Excuse me, pardon me. Oh. Welcome to the Asshet Bridge. If you could please have your name, reason for crossing,

ready, and also your R pass on hand or your QR code. Ah, welcome friend, it is I, Uso-dor, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical lights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trockus, known to the elves as Feangalic, known to the dwarves as Zoninook, Sangys,

and known throughout the North East as Gasmanius, Maestah. And here I present to you my Arpass. Oh, you got the old one. What? Oh, you've got the old one. That's all right, it's still valid for a few more months. Oh. Yeah, we have new ones now. His name is Arnie.

Yeah, I'm not, wait, I'm the old one? Do you have a QR code? Oh, I don't have any of those things. Clovis, you remember me. This is, and I think I remember you. You're Clovis the Bridge Troll from Ashen Bridge. Whoa. Absolutely.

No, no. I remember everyone who's crossed over this bridge, but I've got a job to do. There's a procedure for everything, there's rules for everything. I'm just here to follow them, that's all. Clovis, it's so good to see you again. Oh my god, I feel like we recorded with you,

I wanna say like a month ago? Maybe a month and a half ago? I think it was closer to like six years ago. Huh, whoa. Hmm. Sorry, I'm using troll years, by the way. Oh, so troll years are probably not close to human years. Almost a one for one.

They're just slightly faster. Yeah, it's just a couple days different. We've got 360 days in a troll year. I see. So we haven't seen you since the end of season two when we were escaping Hog's Face? Well, I haven't seen you since you were escaping Hog's Face. I think it was more of like a springtime.

Yes, Arnie, I don't think Clovis is going to understand your concept of seasons. Oh, oh, sure. Yeah, well, it's nice to see you all again. I should let you know, Mr. The Wizard, that your RPAS is still good, but it's only good for three more months. You've got to upgrade to a QR code before that time.

Otherwise, I'm gonna have to ask you riddles any time you cross over the bridge. Oh, fine. How do I get this QR code? It's literally the exact same process you went through to get the R pass. You just have to do it again. Hmm, what does QR stand for?

Quizzes in riddles. The original R pass is only good for riddles. We've added so many other ways to cross the bridge now. We've got quizzes, we've got trivia questions, we've got math problems, logical conundrums. If you want to, we can also just ask you probing questions and see how you make it through those. It's entirely up to you.

Oh. Would it be possible if I gave you this slightly malleable gold coin and you just gave it a little chew Could you could I pay with that Bitcoin? Let me see that for a moment. Yeah, there you are Yeah, oh, yeah, you know I can accept this and once again, I have to reiterate your our pass is still good You didn't need to pay me anything. Oh, well, can I have that back then? Go that's use the door user always spends all his money. I thought we'd already concluded the haggling. Oh, okay, well that's...

Now Clovis, I don't have an RPASS or a QR code. Oh. Do you accept like, ploys? Like if I were just to sort of be like, just like pretend like I'm talking to someone on the other side of the bridge, like, oh hey, hey, hey, and then kind of just sort of try to walk past you. I didn't see anyone.

Hey, oh, okay. Is there someone coming in the other direction? Ha ha, yeah, okay, good, yeah, I'm on my way. I'm right there, I'm coming over. Oh, that's, hold on, hold on, hold on. No, first of all, I do accept ploys. Just now you're coming technically from the other direction now that you've made it past me, so still you're on the hook for this one.

Oh, shit. It's all right, like I said, if you don't like riddles we've got all sorts of other options for you. At times they are a change and are they not? Have there been a lot of updates in the bridge crossing industry? Oh my goodness. Oh, things change faster than you think, you know. Once a bridge gets popular it gets crowded and then you've got to build another bridge slightly farther up the river and then you've got to build another bridge and next thing you know you've got ferries and you've got people flying over.

So many ways you've got to ask people questions before you let them on the way. I'm just doing field work as just to change the pace. I'm usually in the office now. Ooh, pencil pusher. No, I don't. Please don't use the term pencil pusher. That's still a sore point. Sorry.

Why is it sore? Things are so much different. Technology changes, you no longer have to handwrite out all of your riddles and questions. It's all printed up. Oh. They just sort of, they press the questions onto the page. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

They have this thing where they can print the press now, and I'm sure that, but it must save you a lot of time. Just think, you can just imagine something that you'd want to be written out, and then you'd put it into this press, and there it is for you. So we're not even getting like bespoke, riddles, trivia questions, or probing questions? No, all I do is I sit in a room with a small demon

that has a stenographer's pad, and I ask it riddles, ask it questions, math problems, things like that, things you would like to see in the last page of the newspaper, like, ooh, what if we took all the letters in a phrase, but then made them different letters? What was the original phrase? And now it just churns them out, you ask it for anything, within five seconds, oh, here's another riddle for you.

But there's no soul to it. There's no art to it. Yes Right, right, right I would sneak across but i'm trying to kind of keep spider-man on a leash here. I don't want to leave him behind. I Don't seem to know where my r-pass is. Could I get a qr pass? Um, and ideally I kind of hate riddles Could I go with the quiz portion? Oh, absolutely, I can give you a trivia quiz. What is your strongest subject and what is your weakest subject?

Ooh, my strongest subject. I would probably say Arnie. Wait, hold on. Inside Arnie? Mm-hmm. Yeah, you know it all. Yeah, probably my weakest subject would be colors of the world.

All right, that is correct. Question number two. Oh, that was the question. That was question number one, that one was correct. Question number two, if you were at a magical buffet and they only had one food available and that was the only food you could eat ever, what would you want that buffet to have grapes?

Shit, I should have said magical grapes grapes Yeah, did you want to change your answer you haven't locked in you hold on point of order. It's a magical buffet So wouldn't anything there be good be magical. So if you say grapes, it's presumed that they're magical grapes. Oh, okay Right. Oh, okay. Right? Oh. See, this is exactly the sort of thing that would have been caught in quality control before we outsourced everything to a little demon

that just spits things back at you. All right, I'm gonna scrub question two, but first of all, just so you know, that was the right answer if you'd gone with it. Oh, phew. All right, that's two, we've got eight more to go. All right. Question number three, following this got eight more to go. All right. Question number three, following this question,

how many questions remain in the quiz? Seven. Oh! That is correct. Oh, phew. I knew that one. Oh, did you have a different answer? No, no, I don't wanna object, and also I'm terrible at math, so. No, I was just excited that I knew the correct answer.

Yes, very fun. Question number four, just how's things going? Not great, but pretty good. Arnie, that should cover a lot of bases. I think so. I was just, that's technically correct, I was just wondering if there's anything you wanted to ask me?

No, I'm good. Alright, that's not even part of the official quiz, but there was a chance for a bonus point there. That was a trick. This is all on a point system? Yeah, you got to get at least an 80%, but that's also troll percentages, so a little bit off. I'd like to use my Pass to a Friend option, so the remaining questions I'd love to give

to... How should I decide? seniority, Arnie. Oh, so. All right, so this is a very unorthodox move, but it is one of your three lifelines that you are allowed is simply passing it to a different person. If I use all three, I die. All right, question number four, question number five.

That sounds right. Yeah, give or take. Well, there was a question 4B, which always count as five, but they said I had to stop asking it. It was too probing and unprofessional. What was the probing unprofessional one? The probing unprofessional one was, are there any medical dramas you're going through right now?

Oh, all of them. Ooh, yeah, that's, yeah. Also, that's another reason. I mean, I'm self-diagnosed. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Oh, the pits. And how does that make you feel? Dread, but also it's weird that I'm kind of a hypochondriac,

but I also think that I'm gonna be okay. It's a weird combo, my personality. I'm kind of unique. That is correct, moving on. Question number six. All right. Which hand has the coin in it? Hmm. Now, can I ask clarifying questions? I'm not asking for the answer. I'm just trying to make sure I understand the question. Does it have to be one of your... That's just your second lifeline. You have one more before you die.

Oh, shit. Oh, this is not a satisfying lifeline, but okay. Is it one of your hands? Like it's not a tricky lateral question where it could be anybody's hands. Or is it? Oh fuck. Ah shit. Also, that is the correct answer. It could be in anybody's hand. You have no way of knowing. Oh, okay. Nice one.

Okay, I like that. That was good. So, on to question number seven. Yeah, okay, nice one. I like that, that was good. So, on to question number seven. All right, three questions, one lifeline left. Also, I've gotta say, Clovis, I don't know if you're open to feedback. Oh, yes, yeah. I really, and this is positive feedback. Oh, good.

I actually found it thrilling when you were like, or is it? I feel like that's a ploy we should all use more often. Like, oh yeah, let's just sort of like try to make it happen keep people on their toes yeah oh I I use that whenever the magistrate of a local town is like you have committed laws against nature I go they Wait hold on. I have a question. Yes, you use it or people are People are committing laws against nature. Oh shit. Yes, you use it or people are committing ways people are committing laws against nature

Oh shit. Yes, Ernie. You never ask a question in the middle of a Trolls question mistake. Oh fuck now Mr. Mr. Clovis What are the consequences here? That's a question. Yeah, technically, unless it's a clarifying question, you're not supposed to ask a question to the questioner. It creates a whole double negative paradoxical situation. It's just questions all the way down at that point. Oh, so it's just kind of annoying.

He doesn't have to guard the bridge or anything. Well, no, it does make the next three questions I'm going to ask extraordinarily difficult. Oh, no. Can I pass it along to Usador? Technically, that would be a reuse of the first lifeline, so that's not three lifelines used, it's just using the first one again, so yeah, feel free. Oh, great, yeah, I'm gonna reuse my first lifeline.

All right. Okay, very well. And I am curious, I do apologize, Usador, I am curious, what laws of nature did you break? Yeah. No, as Arnie correctly pointed out, I have committed laws against nature. Oh. Since I am good, I don't commit a crime against nature,

I commit a law against nature. I see. So I, for instance, I decide, birds all fly upside down now, and then I cast a spell, and then a magistrate or some other sort of lowly person is angry at me. But please, Clovis, ask you away.

Name one of the five secret colors of the rainbow. Exkillion. That is correct. Question number, this is the home stretch now. I'm so glad I didn't have that color one, Artie. Yeah, John, why? What's the deal with you? He's bad at them. Secret color. Oh, I'm color blind.

Oh no, I didn't know... I've known you for so long and I didn't know you were color blind. Yeah, I don't see color. Alright, this is question number eight. This is this one. This is one of my favorites. This is one of the few that I wrote personally that they have let me keep in the quiz. Oh, fuck. All right, if it's noon, where is the sun in the sky?

If it's noon, where is the sun in the sky? Oh, I know it. Oh, John, what is it? Ysidor doesn't have a son. Oh, yeah. I don't think so, unless kid Ysidor. Yeah, I mean, I vaguely remember he, we've been doing this show so long.

Like, does Ysidor, oh my God, Chunk, this is so terrible. I don't know your colorblind and I'm not 100% confident I know if Ysitar has a son. How am I supposed to know that my coworker of 10 years has a kid? He doesn't have any pictures up on his hat. Well, I have to assume you mean the son of the goddesses, which we all know that the son of that one of the sons

of the goddesses is of course, Bruce the sky god. So when it's noon, Bruce the Sky God is the sky. Oh, it was a long walk, but we got there. That is correct. What's the short version of that? What's the short version of that? Above. Well, we might be above an oven

if we don't take a quick little break just to kind of hydrate and everything. So why don't we do that and we'll come back with, Clovis, is the final two questions? Again, you're not supposed to ask questions in the middle of questions. Right, shit. So they're gonna be much more difficult now. Sorry, Isidore. Dammit.

Isidore, how you doing with these questions? Are they making you nervous? Well, a little bit nervous. I mean, imagine we couldn't cross a bridge. What do we do then? I guess the stakes aren't that high. Oh. Also, you could fly. Yeah.

Also, there's another bridge like just over there. Yeah. I don't know why we always take the Ashet Bridge. Said they've been building a lot of bridges, so we got a lot of choices here. It has the best view, Arnie, look at this view. It is quite beautiful. Yeah.

All right, that is, I think, enough of a deliberation time. Are you ready for your final two questions? Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. What was that? The lighting in here got crazy. Yeah. And when I say in here, I mean outside. I'm telling you, the pace that technology moves when an industry starts discovering new avenues of creating revenue is simply staggering.

It's true. Before this, there was one single bridge to cross this river, and now you look upstream, you look downstream. There's four bridges within sight. That's collectively, not in each direction, that would be crazy. It is weird, I can almost touch this other bridge. Like right, I'm over on the edge here,

oh, my finger, like I'm tall, sure, but I can literally almost touch the other bridge. I wouldn't do it, I would not touch the other bridge. What happens if I touch the other bridge? You touch the other, look, that is my cousin Mark, who runs that bridge, and now you're gonna be in two quiz competitions at the same time, and now you're going to be in two quiz competitions at the same time and you're going to be playing against yourselves.

Oh, you'll be bridging the bridge, Arnie. Oh, that sounds pretty good. Don't bridge the bridge. Okay. All right. Although I've got a sneaking suspicion before this episode is over, I might meet Mark. I'm just saying, you don't want to… Look, I love him.

I got him the job. It was a favor He needed something to do, you know, he tried a bunch of other things and it's not that he's not talented He's a great guy. Sure, he just needed a little leg up just a little you know, just a little something and You know, you've got to have a passion for this job Yeah, it's got to be in your heart. You can't just show up clocking No, I'm gonna guard the bridge and ask people questions. Oh, I've eaten a goat. I'm gonna go home now. No, there's so much more to it and sure, you know He'll get he'll get there. Chloe's gonna ask if mark is your cousin. Does he sort of sound like you but with one distinct difference? Well, I guess so we grew up in the same area and we you know, I'm out around the same people but

Now I guess you could say, you know If you're blindfolded yourself, which again, I would not do in the middle of the contest. Some of this may be visual questions, but if you were to blindfold yourself and have us both speak, you could probably pick us apart. Okay. And I got to ask, not to be rude, Clovis Mark, who named Mark? I was thinking the same thing, man. It's a weird name. My uncle Jeffrey. That makes sense. He's a good guy, but when it comes to having and naming kids, his heart's just not in it.

He didn't really have, you know, it's one of those things, you gotta be passionate, you've gotta love the kid from the get-go before you give a name, or you've gotta grow to love it. But it's tough for trolls, too. Clovis, you're making a lot of excuses for this branch of the family. Okay, it's just, you know, my uncle Jeff, my cousin Mark, and my aunt Mary Josephine, the three of them, I don't want to call them the black sheep of the family because, you

know, they're not sheep, they're made of rock like me. Right. So if I'm getting this straight, not only does Mark have a bad name, just like a gross bad name, but he has it because his parents didn't love him enough when he was born. Well, yeah, it's a common thing amongst troll babies, you know, you know, it's bored and you know, oh, congratulations, it's a troll. And you. And sometimes it just doesn't spark the fire in the heart right away, it takes a few years. And then, you know, and it takes, you know, we're talking troll years too. But it can't be like a surprise

if two trolls have a baby that their baby is a troll, right? Like, you can't be like, oh, how disappointing, our baby is a troll, right? I'm sorry, do you not know the troll reproductive cycle? I suppose, I guess I don't. Arnie, this sounds like your territory. I'm so excited, but just emotionally, like intrigued. I'm so intrigued.

I just want to be, this is not one of the questions. This is not related to the quiz. We are still on a timeout from the quiz. We've got two questions left, extra difficult now. But basically, you know, one troll meets another troll. I met Bridget, and the two of us had a connection right away. And, you know, the two of you, things get hot and heavy, one troll loves another, there's hand holding, there's rock rubbing, there's facial shearing. And the next thing you know, you know, you've eroded away some little pebbles and some shale and

things like that. And five, six centuries later, they've grown up into trolls. Sure. Chunt, chunt. Yeah. Did he say he said rock rubbing? I was... Exactly.

Exactly my question. Buddy, I can't tell if we've spent too much time together or just exactly... Cousin! T-t-t-t-senior member here, Clovis, this sounds like a beautiful thing that happens between two trolls that love each other. Oh, very much. But over those centuries that those new rocks form a new troll life, you're saying that you don't immediately love it.

It takes some time. Oh, absolutely, you know, because at first, you know, you're just, it's just like, oh my gosh, this place is so dusty, oh what a mess, we should probably sweep or something. And then you realize, oh no, it's not dust, it's kids. And, you know, if you're not. Wait, tiny kids?

Well, like tiny dust-sized kids? Yeah, well, you know. Well, by troll, it's dust-size. Yeah. Yeah, they start off, you know, as little dusts in bits of rock and pebble, and you know, eventually, as long as they're getting proper nutrition and care, they're going to grow up to be big, strong trolls

after three, 400 years. Oh. Oh, okay. I feel your pain, for I often conjure entities into existence and those beings, who knows where they end up. I mean, I conjure all sorts of little horses and probably a dad, probably have a kid somewhere. You're a junk.

You know, I could have a son, who knows? But does he? Does he? I don't think he knows any more than we do. Now, so here's a parallel right here. If you were this little horse that you've conjured up, what's its name and its life story? Great question. Couldn't tell you. Don't care. See, it's exactly the same thing. Now, if you were to continue riding this conjured horse around or talking to, I assume it's magical and it talks, but you know, but if you spend three, 400 years getting to know this horse,

you'll probably be pretty fond of it. And by then you'd be ready to give it a name. You know what? I was judging you before and now I take it all back, for I have egg upon my face. Arnie, a magical horse? Think about it, it could taste like anything. Grapes.

Next horse I get, I'm naming it Grapes. We will definitely get another horse. Oh, found one. Arnie, look, I found one. This is Grapes. I knight thee, Grapes. Is this anybody's horse Mark is this sorry. Hey mark

Yeah Hey sounds just like him. Yeah, I know I know Sorry, hi mark. I'm Chant. I'm mark the bridge troll Very nice to meet you. I don't meet you. My name is mark. I'm a troll Very nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. My name is Mark. I'm a troll. No, I got that. We got it.

We're friends with your cousin. I love Clovis. Is he with you? Boy. Clovis, are you here? Are you available? Just tell him I'm out. Tell him I'm out.

Or tell him it's Gary running the bridge today. I'm willing to say that, but he can see you. Like, he is literally like an armspan away. You do not know, Mark. It will work. Your ploy worked on me. This will work on him. Mark, I don't think Clovis is here right now.

I'm not here, Mark. It's Gary today. Oh, is Gary on duty? Yeah, it's Gary today. Oh, never mind then. All right. Chuck, what are you doing? I'm keeping this horse.

That's fine, but don't get Mark involved again. Yeah, please do not get Mark involved again. Again, I love him, I care for him, but you get him talking and he will not stop. He stopped. Well, but you get him talking and he will not stop. He stopped, though. We did get him talking. Yeah, at first I thought he was launching into like a whole new quiz where he was like, is my cousin there? You know, questions like that where I'm like, is this a trick?

Is this some sort of thing? But then I realized we never touched this bridge, right? No one's touched the bridge and no, he's just nosy. Yeah. And by the way, if you want that horse, that horse is is yours It's been here and lost and found for over a month. I don't want a horse. Nobody wants But he is named grapes. Oh, come on Chant. Yeah, keep them test trial test run. Yeah We can always forget about him later. Oh, yeah God just like mark and his kids great mark. You forgot about his kids? Yeah, and I want to be clear,

I don't mean he was neglectful or he abandoned them, he literally just forgets. It's just not important to him. Yeah. Oh, that's so sad. Can you imagine if one of us forgot they had kids? It's crazy, can you even imagine? Raise your hand if you've forgotten kids. I probably, probably got some floating around out there.

Interesting. How would you know? I have no way to know. He just likes raising his hand. All right, hold on. No, I'm just writing, I'm just gonna write this one down. How would you know you'd forgotten kids? That's a good one.

I wanna think about that. Oh, you're in songs or? Well, this wasn't meant for one of my songs, but you know, I might work into a lyric at some point. It does seem like that could be a song. How would that song, what would that lyric sound like if it was sung? Hey, Mark.

Yeah? Could you sing some words for us? Green. Oh, no, sorry, I'll give you the words. Sorry, no, I'm sorry, I'll give you the words. Was he just singing random words? I mean, that was the request. Yeah, he was just singing random words.

He was just singing, he does this all the time. If you ask him to list anything without giving him instructions, he just starts going through the words he knows in alphabetical order. Oh. And to be clear. Those are the words he knows in alphabetical order. He doesn't know anything between A and F?

Well, to be clear, the two words he's saying were green and followed by bird. Okay. Okay. Good boy. Mark, nevermind, thank you. You're welcome. Sorry, I am so sorry, guys, I won't. No, no. I boy. Mark, nevermind, thank you. You're welcome. Sorry, I am so sorry, guys. I won't.

I will make it, I will make it now. I'm gonna write down, let me take out my little pen and paper. I'm gonna write down, don't engage with Mark. Okay. Oh, I wish his girlfriend had taken that advice. Uh oh, what happened there? It's a thing, she's lovely.

I shouldn't say a bad word about her. She's wonderful. We're't say a bad word about her. She's wonderful. We're very happy that Mark found somebody. We're very happy that Penelope was able to find him. It's best for the both of them. Didn't we know a Penelope? Princess Penelope? Well, there was a weapon called the Penelope that we destroyed, but then there was a Penelope

Penelope. We've been doing this for so long, I'm trying to remember. I just want to be clear, that's just, that's the handle she uses. It's a pseudonym, it's a false name. She just insists that everyone calls it Penelope because she doesn't know how to pronounce Penelope as it's written. Oh, I see. But again, I love her to death.

She's wonderful. It's been great for Mark. She's been getting him out, getting him interested in new things and learning. So you know, you take the lumps with the potatoes. What sorts of new things? And we're on a timeout. So asking your question's fine right now. Oh yes, absolutely.

Just to be clear, this is no longer part of the quiz. None of this is no longer part of the quiz. None of this is counting against you. Your questions, I assure you, have not been getting exponentially more difficult with every question you've been asking me. Two left to go. Although Clovis, ethically,

I need to tell you that you are currently taking our quiz. So you are about seven questions into our quiz. And if you get all 10 questions right, you are allowed to leave the bridge. Isn't that the dream? Yeah, oh no, but you know I get plenty of non-bridge time. Now I'm usually like I said down in the corporate office now, you know, working on new quizzes, coming up with new rules, approving new bridges and assigning trolls, that sort of thing. We've got trolls for all sorts of water crossings, ferries, boats, rope ladders, zip lines, yeah. Do you enjoy that work? I sometimes people sort of get promoted out of the positions

they really love and enjoy, you know? You know, when they offered it to me, I took it as a huge compliment, and it was exciting, you know, to really get in there, make some changes, you know, really take it from being just the rote, oh, they cross, you ask question, they get wrong, you eat goat, you know, really take it from being just the rote, oh they cross, you ask questions, they get wrong, you eat goat. You know, and really try to make this something that's enjoyable for everybody before they cross or get eaten. Yeah, it'd be stuck to be stuck in like a, you know, troll booth. Sorry, did you say if we get something wrong you have to eat a goat? Well if you were a goat, yeah.

Get to eat a goat. Oh shit. Yeah, we get eaten if we don't answer the riddles correctly. Oh shit. Quizzes and things. Hey, Arnie Usador? Yeah. Yeah. I just realized that grapes,

I think grapes is a goat. Oh. I thought he was a horse because he has sort of a sandwich board over his back that says horse. Yeah. But I think he's a goat trying to pass himself off. He's too gruff to not be a horse.

All right, so then in order of seniority, let's go back through this. It's Usador, Chunt, Arnie, Grapes, Spider-Man, then Grapes. Yes. So Grapes is gonna get eaten first. Very well, Bridgemaster. Hmm? Oh, yes, sir.

We shall take a quick break and you shall return with your two dastardly questions. Mark, we're taking a break. Shit. You don't have to tell him. Oh, could I come? No. Yeah. No. Fuck. We're not going anywhere.

Whoa, Mark, that's awesome. So you guys are moving in together? Yeah, she's brought in a lot of her stuff already. She's got some posters up on the wall. She had an artist do a couple sketches of us, but my head's not that big in real life. Wow. Yeah, and she probably doesn't rollerblade. Well, we are We'll see you sure I sure can't get you anything from from from the from the kitchen. I've got I've got water

I've got shale. I've got some courts. I've got a goat Anything you want? Oh a quarter what that courts? Yeah Oh, a court of what? Courts. Yeah, oh, several court? It's a, well, I've got at least a court of it, but it's just, it's a crystal structure that emits an electrostatic charge under pressure.

I learned that from Penelope. Of courts. Chunt, I don't think Mark is here for word play. Let's be honest. Hey, have you guys ever looked at, have you ever guys looked at how interesting some leaves are? Well. Hold on.

I'm going to go get my leaf album. I'll be right back. Oh yeah, go get it. Okay, it's so hard when you can't leave to be like, well, because you can't be like, I gotta go. Well, you gotta go. Guys, guys, guys, the stakes have never been higher. We have got to get off this bridge before Mark gets back with his leaf album. Okay, hurry hurry hurry user user

Go go go. All right Clovis Clovis, we're back. All right, tell us well well well Look who decided to come crawling back like everyone who tries to go over marks bridge. I didn't want to go over there That wasn't my idea. But I, you know, I don't, as the senior member of the team, sometimes you have to listen to the suggestions of your underlings and do your best to incorporate their ideas into the team structure.

He showed you his leaf album. Yes. And look, Clovis, we're kind of in a hurry, but I have to ask, this other bridge on the other side, do you have any family over there? Oh God that's the worst family over there. That's that's my cousin ex glock stick and he was that again Ex glock stick fuck that guy's dad must love him so much. Oh, that's the worst part He has been spoiled rotten since the day he was born

Here's the thing. He doesn't even ask people questions. What? Oh. No interest at all, doesn't care, doesn't. Why do you get across that bridge? Just sheer perseverance, all he does is talk about himself all day long. It's exhausting, I don't even want to talk about him.

Fair enough. Guys, should we go see X-Glox? Like, if nothing else, we should encourage him to talk about him. Fair enough. Guys, should we go see X-Glox? Like, if nothing else, we should encourage him to do a podcast. Sure. Well, there's already so much competition in food for podcasts. Clovis, I'm gonna time out one last time

for these final two dastardly questions. Exponentially harder than any questions you've ever been asked before. That's correct. And for no reason, We'll be right back. Don't watch where we're going. All right, I'll be here. Well, it's an old request, but I guess.

All right, let's go see this other bridge. They're so close to each other. If he looks up, he will see us over here. Yeah, but he's not gonna know it's us. Hey, sup, bros. Welcome to the bridge. My name is Ick Glock Lick. Hey. All right, how you guys doing? Pretty good, I'm Arnie. Welcome to the bridge. My name is Ick Glocklick. Hey.

All right, how you guys doing? Pretty good, I'm Arnie, I'm from another world. I'm Ick Glocklick, I'm the bridge troll for this year bridge. And this is Chunt. I'm from this world. Mm-hmm. And I'm Ick Glocklick, I'm the bridge troll

for this bridge. Right, and I am Eusidore the Blue, wizard of the 12th realm of Vesius, and we have come here to cross your bridge. So ask us your battery of unanswerable riddles or quizzes, and we shall most assuredly rise to the occasion. All right, what do you wanna know, man? I'm an open book here, I'm X-Flocklick.

I'm the bridge troll for this bridge. Yeah, we got that. Guys, guys, guys. Yeah, what is it, did you notice, did you notice no matter what we say, he's. You guys wanna hear a song? Just a second. Did you guys notice that no matter what we say,

he says, I'm ex-oxic. He does keep talking about himself, he brings everything back to him. That's right. But he doesn't really talk about himself more than saying what his name is. I mean, I guess he did say Do you want to hear me sing something but it was you know about him me, you know? Mm-hmm

Do we want to hear something? Yeah, we'll hear it Before I go into before I play this little ditty for you got some shirts here They say I met X gox like a rich troll got some hats. I got some mug here. They say I met X-Glox-Lik, the rich troll. Got some hats, I got some mug koozies. And I've got a couple demo pressings, if you want any of these. You can't hear them, but you can read the words. Nice, hey, real quick, never call it a fucking diddy again. Just say song, no reason. Oh, good note, good note, man.

Good note, good note. Hold on, I'm gonna work that into one of my jingles. I think I know this troll's dialect. It lets me interact with him. Yo brah. Oh, a true connoisseur. What's up, my man? Shall we ski-daddle over this bridge, like totally now, man?

I like the cut of your sails. Yeah, you just gotta pass a little quiz. Ah, that sounds harsh to mine ears. Let us be more chill about it and just cross instead. No way, Brzezinski, nothing I can do there. There's rules to follow and... Dude, I got this hard ass who's one bridge over, who's my cousin, his name is Clovis. If he finds out that I let you pass without asking one of his

like stupid quiz things, and I am not gonna hear the end of the end, that guy doesn't talk about anything but quizzes day in, day out. Come on, brah. I'm sorry to interrupt you, Sidor. X-Loc's like we're in a little bit of a hurry, but I do have to ask, this other bridge on the other side, do you have any family over there?

But the next one upstream or downstream downstream is Clovis. Yeah, that's a Clovis one in the other direction Upstream, I mean, I mean, you know, what's family? Yeah, I got family but like we're not like we're not like rock related But we're like found family. Oh So they don't sound anything like you huh? No, like I said, we grew up separately, but we found each other here, just our shared passions, you know? Sometimes you just, you meet someone, you just strike that chord, and you're like,

yeah, bros for life. That is bitching. Thank you, thank you. You were the first person to use that in the correct context when talking to me. Guys, we're in a hurry. I'm just gonna, I'm not gonna really engage. I'm just gonna go over and hear the voice

of the other bridge troll, all right? Hey, can I hear your voice? Huh? That's it, thank you. All right, good enough. Hey, Chum. Yeah? Did you know with Arno you ran away panting like a dog?

What the hell was that? That was so weird. I mean, it was weird. It was like five steps in one direction. So weird. I know he's not the senior most member of the team, but come on. Yeah, I know.

It's so weird. Oh, Arno, you're back. You guys ever talk to mushrooms? Oh, totally, brah. Mushrooms are the chillest. Yeah. Bad vibes over here, guys. I think we gotta go back to Clovis.

Pardon us. We're gonna get harshed on by thine totally lame cousin Clovis. Oh, I hear that, brah. Yeah, don't worry. If you ever come back to this way again, just wanna hang out, I've that, bro. Yeah, don't worry. If you ever come back this way again, just wanna hang out, I've got some, I've got some Stygian black lights,

you know, it can put up some drawings on the walls and stare at them. No, thank you. Arnie, see what we're doing? Yeah. You sir, I didn't know you spoke Nardog. Oh yes, I'm quite fluent in it. It comes, you could hear how easily it rolled off my tongue and sounded very natural.

Mm-hmm. Hey Glovis. Welcome back. Once again, like everyone who goes over to that bridge, you come crawling back to this one. Everyone thinks they can dodge the last couple of questions. Well come on brah, tell me them last harsh questions. Oh, so are we timing in?

Time in, yes. Oh, time in, all right. Question number nine, this is for nearly all the marbles. That's just an expression, by the way, that marbles, in this case, representing being allowed to pass the bridge without getting eaten. Right, man. All right, a man rides into town on Tuesday

on a bunch of grapes. Sounds like a riddle. A week later, he rides out again on a bunch of grapes. How is that possible? Grapes is the name of a goat wearing a sign that says horse. You've got my clues, they're absolutely right. Spot on. Ooh, nice one.

This is usually right, people, we never get to question Tim. Oh listen, Grapes is trying to bray like a horse. Aw. It's cute. This is the reason I work with him. Sometimes you meet someone and immediately have that spark and I could tell from the day that he showed up

that Grapes and I, our hearts were in this, it's all about creating an atmosphere, all about committing to it. and I could tell from the day that he showed up, that Grapes and I, you know, our hearts were in this, it's all about creating an atmosphere, all about committing to it. So Grapes was actually a clue the whole time, we can't take that goat horse with us. Well, it's up to Grapes really, you know, we collaborated for a while,

I feel like to think we're a double act, but you know, we've each got our own passion separately. Chunt, are you gonna be okay? Now that somebody else wants him, I kind of want him. Yeah, I'd prefer to keep him, but we'll see try to get out of here Yeah, maybe at the end we'll do that thing We're like, you know Clovis and I will stand on opposite sides of the bridge and we'll be like, you know Come come to whoever you love most or whatever like that. Yeah, I think I'll be good. Was that all the question final question

final question, all right What was the first leaf in Mark's Leaf album? Shit. Oh, son of a. We didn't look at Mark's Leaf album, but let me for a moment go into the mind of a wizard and in that state. Who does that?

Clovis, while he goes into the mind of the wizard, I feel like you're going to tell us something. Oh, yeah, I just think it's a shame. So many people lose it on this one. And you spent all that time with Mark, and everyone takes the moment that he goes to get his leaf out and there's a chance to escape. And you've already put in the time. Why not spend the extra 30 seconds and find out what that first leaf is? Guys, are we rude? Maybe? Oh, I have awoken and my keen senses tell me that Mark has a

leaf album with over 600 almost identical oak leaves in it. Not only the first, but all are oak. That is correct. There is only one tree that's within walking distance of Mark's Bridge. He's extraordinarily lazy. He has only collected oak leaves. Congratulations.

That has concluded the quiz, and I must say, using the percentage of troll points, you have exactly passed flying colors. Well done. Oh, woo. Woo. Close one. So that's for all of us, right? So, well, Usador here has the R pass.

Again, you've gotta get that upgraded, gotta get a new QR code for that one. I'll take care of it, yeah. And then I believe that it was Chunt who started the 10 question quiz, so Chunt has passed, which means 10 even more difficult questions for Arnie. What?

What? All right, see you Arnie. What time's? Oh. Quick, let's push Clovis off the bridge. Hey, Arnie. Oh no. What?

You can't say quick and then do it. We weren't even ready. You pushed him so hard. I didn't know my own strength. It's acceptable. It's one of the ways that you can cross. Oh Do that more often it's so much faster Physical violence is considered an acceptable answer. I'm made of rocks. Okay. Oh Attempted to go back and push those other trolls off the bridge too. Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Come on. Yo, Chloe bro What you doing in that water? Yeah

Sweet Hey Mark, oh you come back to look at the leaf album Well Well, we did it guys. There's no better way for us to return to Hog's face than to push a bunch of trolls off of bridges that they're just trying to do their jobs. Guys, are we rude? No. Oh wait, we forgot one.

There was one on the other side of- Oh, there was one two down. I'll get it. What's your name? Huh? Ah! Got him! Woo! Four, four, four. Well, that's hard to say.

I'm trying to say like, you know how you say like three for three or like five for five? I'm trying to say four for four, but. Four, four, four. I don't know if it reads. Well, come along, Graves, you're with us now. You are since you're the, the young man. You're the young man. You're the young man.

You're the young man. You're the young man. You're the young man. You're the young man. You're the young man. You along, Graves, you're with us now. You, since you're the youngest member of the team, you'll be bathing Arnie once a week. It's important to get between his toes. He doesn't like to clean that himself. We're glad to have you on the team.

Spider-Man, take care, man. We'll see you. Okay, sorry, Spider-Man. We're not taking Spider-Man take care man. We'll see ya. Okay. Sorry spider-man We're not taking spider-man. All right, do we want to that's too weird. No Yeah, the last week has been weird so weird I'm sorry We probably should have waited to say that until spider-man was out of earshot, but it's been so weird And I gotta say, flying on an upside down camel named Spider-Man, he hit his head on so many different

structures, formations, signs, rocks, hills, people, carriages. That camel is so concussed. To Hog's face. Oh, are we cheersing? I just like to say where we're going next. Oh yeah. We're back on the road to Hog's Face! Oh, are we cheersin'? I just like to say where we're going next. Oh yeah. Oh.

We're back on the road to Hog's Face. Back on the road. I can't wait to get back on the road. Is that something? Or is it? Finally, a new cast addition worthy of everyone's performance skills. A goat. Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chomp the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Clovis the Bridge Troll and all of the trolls in this episode were portrayed by special guest Patrick commonly Patrick performs in Chicago with world news tonight Saturdays at IO and with comedy sports Hello from the magic tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the magic tavern patreon Patrons get ad free episodes all the spinoffs and at least two new bonus episodes each month Here's a clip from the most recent bonus, another episode of Podpires. Hey, so sorry guys, sorry to interrupt. Carnival Wilson. Our producer, Carnival Wilson! Thanks to God.

Carnival Wilson. I just wanted to remind you, that reminded me, you need to promote the new aprons that say we want to suck most guys. That you guys are, it's newly in our merch store. Yes these are aprons so let's say that it's going to be warmer months right and you're going to be grilling you're going to because what do you do with leftover meat when you suck it dry you grill it not to eat it no to throw it in the garbage but you want to grill it you not to eat it. No, to throw it in the garbage, but you want to grill it. You drop it in the garbage, but you want to burn it, you know?

Anyway, looks so good when you're grilling to put out the message, we want to suck most guys. Beautiful, beautiful. Beautiful sentiment. Oh, guys, while I'm here, one more thing. Oh, it's carnival To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show visit patreon.com Magic Tavern hello from the magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp Matt Young and Adol Rafai

post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz Matt Young and Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Tony Golick. Welcome to the team, Tony. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.