Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 67 - Five Finger Wolf Man (w/ Ify Nwadiwe)

Episode Date: August 18, 2025

Five Finger Wolfman, the gambler-turned-werewolf, has a new plan to eat a grandma.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungFive Finger Wolf Grandma: Ify NwadiweMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Marisa EwingMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Check out our upcoming LIVE SHOWS!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey there, Critters. This year marks our 10-year anniversary of Critical Role, and we are partnering with Fathom Entertainment to bring our 2025 tour to movie theaters across the U.S. and Canada. Head to theater to see The Wedding of the Year coming to theaters on October 15th with an iconic jester and Ford Wedding at our New York City Live Show. Visit fathomentertainment.com slash critical roll to find tickets in theaters near you. That's fathomentertainment.com slash critical role. Hey, do you like role-playing games?

Well, you should check out Mystery Quest. It's an actual play podcast, where we focus on all kinds of indie T-T-R-PGs with a rolling cast of special guests. You can find us anywhere where you get your podcasts. I'll see you there. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. And a quick correction to those who have heard me on occasion describe this production as bingeworthy.

I have wrongly been confusing binge with barge, as in the barge that collects all the garbage and then floats far away where we never have to think about it again. And I maintain this podcast is utterly and completely bargeworthy. Now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Ten years and four-ish months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the ruffled feather in McShingleshane Forest on the outskirts of hogs face in the magical land of foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host,

Shunt the Talking Badger. Bing-Bong, or should I say Kachingbong? Kaching-Bong? Yeah, someone's going to be bringing in a little extra gold this week and for several weeks to come. Oh, is you Sador found some gold? I mean, probably, but no, I got

I got a job. You got a job? Yeah, you know, Arnene how sometimes, you know, if I'm being an idiot while drunk, you'll say get a fucking job. Well, I got a fucking job. Oh, wow. Well, congratulations, Chun. Although look, I hate to always make everything about myself, but now I feel like I need to get

a job. If you've got a job, then I'm the layabout. Yeah. Yeah, you are the layabout. Get a fucking job. Fuck. Oh, Arnie, you should go where I went, which is just a few streets down. There is a inn run by a Lynx. Yes. And he will connect you with other folks, connect you with businesses, with opportunities.

It's pretty cool. And that Links is in with all the business people? Absolutely. And just for a small fee, small monthly fee, you can connect with other people and get a job. I think it's pretty cool. Huh. Is this one of those things that I'm going to interact with the links and then forget about it? But then every, like, every month I'm going to be getting messages from the links.

And I'm like, I don't even remember my password. Why did I ever get involved with this links? Oh, speaking of, a crow just hit me in the head as a scroll. I was searched for by two jobs this week. Ooh, interesting. Oh, I get it. It's a sex thing. Huh? I'm also joined by my other co-host, Eucidor the wizard.

I am Eusidor, Wizard of the 12th Room of Ophesias, Master of Light and Shadow. I mean, if you like to have a fucking job. Yeah, get a fucking job, Musador. I have the same job I've always had. Oh, what's that? Sorry. Spells. Hmm. Hmm.

Look, look, I know what you're thinking. He's never had a job, but I've always had a job. Have you ever noticed how when people want our money, I just give away all our money, and then I have a lot more money again later? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I do spells, and I don't charge a dime for them, but there is a suggested donation. of 25 gold post-spill.

I see a lot of spells, because you're always giving out a lot of gold. Yeah, well, I'm good at magic. And spells is my job. Good at magic. That could be a shirt, Arnie. Oh, it's been a while. Speaking of making money, Eucidor, should we change your shirt in our merch store to good at magic? Or what was it?

I already forgot what it was. Good at magic, yeah. G-U-D at magic. Oh, hang on. Look, I think it's implied if you see a picture of me that I'm good at magic. I'm a great wizard. Everyone knows this. It would be sort of redundant, don't you think?

What have we had a question mark at the end? That I like even less. All right. Just maybe we'll change it, but I'm going to say the new Usador shirt is good at magic question mark. And we'll have info in the show notes about how you can get that t-shirt for a limited time. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm, uh, sorry, sorry, buddy. This seat is, uh, taken.

Um, oh, chunt, this is our guest. I don't, it's been a while. No, if you remember. And, oh, oh, it's so hard to remember how to introduce you, sir, because you've had so many names. The first time we met you was five-finger Flint Custoon. And then was five-finger poopie. And now it's five-finger wolfman. Oh, that's right.

That's right. Yes. It's good to see you, five-finger wolf-man. Yes. How are you? are doing these days, are you still getting them bets in? You're putting your money where your mouth feels. Oh, yes. There's nothing I enjoy more than placing a bet

and waiting to see if it comes to fruition or not. Yes, that's what it's all about, is finding out if it will benefit, pay off, and get your them back butts. Yeah, oh yeah, I lose a lot. Don't worry about it. So Wolfman, I was going to say you are one of the the most famous gamblers in food. But that's not really true because you are a gambler, but like, what would you, how would you describe your occupation?

You run casinos. Is there another way to describe what you do? Well, yes. Now I do a lot of wolf services. Yeah, I've switched it up. Just to kind of have like a just steady income, you know, because there's a lot of up and downs, a lot of fluctuations. Some would say it's liquid.

It's a lot of liquid income with the betting. So I went and started my wolf services businesses. And now that's kind of like a side. It's kind of investment. So gambling isn't necessarily as solid, but as being a werewolf. So instead of the house always wins, it's the howls always wins? Yeah, that's actually good. And that's definitely something that was in my merch shop.

Before you told me right now. That was my idea. Thank you. So you said you offer wolf services. I assume this is like scratching, biting, blowing houses down. What are we talking about here? Well, there's a lot of things that can happen with wolf services. Like, you know, sometimes, you know, if you got wolves messing with you as I wear a wolf I now can communicate with wolves.

And something over there, I kind of, you know, wheel and deal. And I make them back off the land Let them know that, you know, this is my territory now And then, you know, then I'm the one kind of holding it down. Sometimes you're mad at your neighbor And you need them to have less sheep. I eat them. I go over there, eat your neighbor's sheep, I do that.

And notary. I can always use a notary. I'll keep that in mind. Yes, of course. I did want to check in on chunt. Have you become the next future king? You've betted 33 coin on yourself last we spoke. This was actually quite a while ago.

Yeah, yeah, I did. Okay, you're saying that in a way that implies you might be lying. The way, like usually kings are pretty self-assured, and you were very sneaky, some would say, in how you answered that. No, no, I wasn't, and I'm self-insured. Now, may I intervene? Usador.

Let's let this play out because I've got a side bet that Chunt would eventually lie about being king. Oh, okay. But I have to question, honey. If he made a bet to be the next future king, isn't that always a possibility, and technically he's won? Usador. Oh, yes.

Don't tell Arnie, but I placed a bet that he would bet on me losing my bet. I won't say a word, Chut. Don't worry. Oh, my bet that I bet that both of them would bet against each other is going to come through like gangbusters. Sorry, F.F. Wolf, we were just kind of doing some table talk here. So, yes, I am the future king. I guess just king now where I was. So I guess that makes me a past king.

I don't know if that still counts. Oh, great. And what were you king of or future king of? Um, okay, the king of wishful thinking, I want to say. I was thinking the, what are the odds? I was thinking the exact same thing. Okay, king of wishful thinking. I'm writing that down.

So I'm going to go meet up with the regional wizard who can connect me with the notaries of different kingdoms and can find out who is currently king of wishful thinking. And they would let me know if you're next in line. And if that is not true, you lose the bet and your life. Well, five-figure wolf, man. If you don't believe him, he'll get over you. I know he will. Oh, look, it's don't, it's, look, we don't have to worry about who's believing who when you have facts and wizards.

It's all good, yes. Good, good. Let's just pretend your life's not sinking. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Um, yeah, uh, go, uh, go check. Um, thank you so much. Uh, use it her, use it. Right, right, right, can you talk to, you're a local wizard.

Can you talk to whoever the regional wizard is here? I'm sort of out on the outs with the wizards. They aren't, you know, they're all sort of ganging up to be a bunch of evil pricks. And I'm like the one good wizard that's left. You know what I mean? What do you mean the regional wizard is at lunch? What do you mean we have to wait? Oh, we got some betting business over here.

And luckily that this wolf business is booming where I'd have your liver. Oh, wolfman, wolfman. Yes, yes. There's no need to be concerned. When the regional wizard is out and unavailable, I often step in as an associate regional wizard. Oh, is that true? Yes, so anything you need verified, I can assist thee with.

Oh, then just grip onto this chaos soul stone. Oh, I'd love to. I can't tell if that's good or bad, Arnie. Oh. Oh, yeah, oh yeah, he's definitely the next. future king of wishful thinking. Oh, all right. Well, that settles it.

All right, so we will pay you out, and your bet was for, let me look at my books here, 33 coin. Here you go. All right. So I get my money back. Yeah, you get your money back. There was no one betting against you, so it was kind of like a flat bet. No one jumped in on that bet. That was a bet.

Wait, no one else. Maybe, Chun, maybe you are the king. wish for thinking. I think about it. I grasp the chaos soul zone for that? Yeah. Yeah, and I will say thank you. I was really worried that, you know, we'd be

stuck waiting for the wizard to come back and I got to say I'll give you a tip for that. Oh, thank you. Here's 100 coin. What the fuck? Oh, very good. Wow. What a nice little side hustle this has become. Well, anything else you need verified.

I'll gladly grasp this chaos soul stone again and allow it to eat away part of my soul just to prove a truth. Yeah, I mean, we don't have to. The other wizard, you know, only allows us to do it once a month. Every person gets one a month because of just how much soul gets eaten. Right. You've got to give that time to grow back in. Yes, of course. I wouldn't want to do that to your soul. Thank you. If I thinker, if I know you, and I think I do, you're not just always about collecting bets, you've always got some action going for yourself. Is there any spicy bets you have out there right now?

Yes, I have quite a few, actually. But they're not in this town. They're like two kingdoms over. I'm stuck in this town because, well, a wolf has reported that one of the town's people's child has fallen into the well. And so I am talking to the wolf to communicate that. and I have to wait till they come back from this well

so that I receive my payment and then I can leave. But they've been gone for three weeks. Wow. Ooh. Woof. Chunt. I'm sorry.

I mean, yikes. Sorry, I'm sorry. Well, I would say if you're having trouble contacting wolves, have you tried howling at the moon? Yeah, I'd have. And, you know, my wolf friends who kind of came over and told me,

I've been nowhere to be found since then. Oh, weird. Have you tried, like, I don't know, eating a grandma and then dressing up in her clothes and waiting in that person's bed for them to come visit? That's what I'm trying to get to the new town for. I'm trying to get there before, you know, the little granddaughter comes. You've got to get fitted for the outfit. Got to lay down to be a little sick.

High finger, I imagine you have to prepare, like an actor must prepare to pretend to be The granny. Yes. Do you, by any chance, have your granny costume on you now? Like, is the granny in the room? Oh, yeah. Check this out. As you can see, it is a velvet moo-loom.

Oh, yeah. And, yes, and it's done because I want to do a rich granny. Because if I eat the granny, who's rich, then the child will, I will take her in, raise her as my own. And, you know, then I can hedge the bets in my favor. You know, whenever there's a, who knows, some kind of, like, ball or such, and marry her to a good family. Huh. So, hold on, you're going to kidnap a child, raise her as your own. Let's not use the K word.

You know, this kidnap, I'm not taking her against her will. I'm just coercing her into thinking I'm her grandmother and grandmothering her as my own. Oh, okay. It's more like adoption when you think about it. Yeah. Exactly. See? Just eating her girl.

grandma to do a little adoption. Yes. I guess as long as all these bets involve positive things for the child, right? Yes, yes, this is just the usual bets that happen for, you know, which, which bell will be wed to which family, kind of just some regency bullshit, you know, that type of action. And I'm just gaming the system because I found the hottest grandma. I'm going to need her. Because hot granddaughters mean hot granddaughters.

Oh, yeah. All the easier to make a good match with. Understandable. Yeah, a little old lady got mutilated late last night, am I right? Oh, yes, yes. I mean, the granddaughter is definitely on the way. I've already digested, and I got to get back to the house. Oh, shit.

You already ate this hot granny. Yeah, yeah. We went on a date. Okay. Yeah, and it was great. We were hitting it off, and then, you know, she had some unsavory things to say about poor people and werewolves, and I was like, oh, this is an extra hot grandma.

Hot that person, you know it's good. But still. Hot grandma. But still, fucker, eat the rich. Let's take a quick break. Oh, yeah. I'm so excited to tell you about a new podcast called Like Minds that I sincerely love listening to and I got to be a guest on recently. Like Minds is a very funny trivia podcast hosted by Joey Bland, who is a two-time Jeopardy Champ, professional improv comedian, friend, and he sounds a lot like winky silks from Hello for the Magic Tavern.

Every episode of Like Minds, he brings on two people to compete in a quiz that he has written based on listener's suggestion. The quizzes go all over the place, lots of twists and clues and tons of bits and banter along the way. The trivia is great, the jokes are great. It's a delightful listen. Plus, he's already had guests like Andy Richter, the Sclar Brothers, Hey Riddle Riddle, Hello from the Magic Tavern, and even Helen Hunt and Jason Alexander. I think you'll love it, I love it. Check out the most recent episode that I'm in, that's the most important part, and follow like minds wherever you get your podcasts. So, five-finger wolfman, now that you're going to be impersonating a granny,

are you going to have a new granny name that we should refer to you as? Yes, five-finger grandma. Okay. Well, we get five-finger wolf grandma. Five-finger, grandma is my grandmother. Of course. Oh, wait, hold on. your grandmother is a wolf also?

Well, no, my grandmother is just a grandmother, so she's five-finger grandmother. Oh, so I have to be five-finger-wolf grandmother to not be confused with my own grandmother. We knew five-finger before he became a wolfman. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Back when he was scoop poopie. And we knew him even before that, back when he was five-finger Flint Gustoon. Yes. That's right.

Did you ever think about changing five-finger wolf-man and just dropping the N so that you would be five-finger wolf-ma? Instead of grandma. Ooh. Oh, that would be great, but I need people to know I'm a grandmother. So when I'm, you know, with my granddaughter, you know, at the ball, everything lines up. What happened to her parents? Why are you raising this kid? Where are the parents at?

Why aren't they doing their jobs? Oh, you know, rich people, they go off and they abandon their kids. They're off in some other town. Terrible. Left to be raised. and that is all to say I didn't check. Okay. If they get in my way, they will be eight as well.

Eight is enough? Yeah. For the rich. If they come back and attempt to raise this child, you'll devour them, and then you can continue to raise the child and assist her along her way in life. And if you make a little scratch on the side, who gets hurt? Nobody. Yes, exactly. Arnie, in Foon, a lot of wealthy children, they will have this magical spell or enchantment.

around them. It's called a trust fund. And what happens is this magical enchantment summons money to them and when they turn a certain age, the enchantment breaks and all the money that the enchantment collected is now their to spend. Oh, interesting.

Wow, yeah. It's pretty fucked up. And so these children aren't like well adjusted or anything like that. No, all of them are pretty wonky. I would have cast a trust spell for the two of you, my good friends, but I'd have to have started generations ago.

Yeah. It takes a long time. Unless you find a new egg. New eggs, indeed. Just like in that book you made us read, Arnie. Yes. It was the one with the snub-nosed motorboat. Oh, yes.

The guy had a West Egg and then somebody... That's right. The Great Gatsby. The Great Gatsby. Oh, nice. Should we lend her copy to a five-finger wolf grandma? Well, yeah, five-finger. If you ever, if you want to borrow a copy of the Great Gatsby, you're more than welcome to it.

Yeah, just, do you have it with you right now? Yeah, here. Okay. Whoa, he's devouring that story. Oh, sorry, I can read really fast now that I'm a wolf. Oh, wow. What a valacious reader. Yes.

But you also, you like your lips move when you're reading really fast. The sound comes out. Oh, yeah. It's because I was licking the pages. Okay. Oh, five-finger, Grandma Wolf, I want to place a bet. I want to bet 33 gold that you don't know what the green light means at the end of that book. Oh, well, that was clearly the sign of the times. Damn it.

Yeah, that could be it. Mailed it. Fucking shit. Yeah. Sign of the times, yes. Here you go. I thought it was related to a spell, but that's my own bias, I suppose.

Yes, look, it's, I feel that way. But you know what? I really, what I love about this novel is it taught me about this faraway world of the United States and how the 20s was such a great time for its people. And it was full of affluence and success. Whoa.

And nothing. wrong. Arnie, is that true? Were your 20s filled with success and affluence and nothing wrong? It was filled with drinking and fun, I guess.

I don't know if I would say there was a lot of success in my 20s. And everyone was doing great? Sure. Well, I don't know. All I know is that when I hit my 30s,

ooh, things got bad. Well, luckily, those aren't coming back around, so I think you'll be all right. Five finger. Now that you're going to be generously raising this child on this grandmother's behalf, are you planning to teach it to be more generous with its wealth, to be more altruistic, or are you going to teach her to become a gambler like yourself?

I think I'm going to teach her to find the richest mate and to live in that life of affluence. Sure. So that when in stage two of this, this whole beat, I fall ill. What? And a mysterious doctor has remedies that seemingly make me better, but costs many, many, many coins. Ah, I see.

To which she, her grandmother, who she cared for, would give. And then this mysterious doctor would make me feel better. Dr. Feel Good. Yes. and then I'll disappear, never to be seen again. Oh, okay. Wait, hold on. You could just fake your death if your grandmother is ill.

Then you don't get the money, right? Like, you got to get the money. Oh, yeah, because I'm also playing the role of grandmother and mysterious doctor. Oh, you're both. Yeah, yeah. I'm mysterious because she can't be in the same room with me and the grandma at the same time. Do you want to workshop that a bit right now where you switch in between the roles? Yes, yes, yes, of course.

Arnie, you play the daughter. Okay, sure. Oh, grandmama. Hello. Oh, you seem so ill, and you've done so much for me my entire life. Is there anything that can save you? I have all this wealth I've accumulated from the bow that you hooked me up with. Yeah, your grandmother believes that you need five million coins from your...

Yes, $5 million from this mysterious doctor. Oh, grandmother, you've been raising me for decades now, and I appreciate that still with every conversation you say, I'm your grandmother. I'm your grandmother. Everyone, stop right there. I'm a local constable, and there's been a murder in the drawing room. What?

Oh, no. Chun, who do you want to be? Oh, I'll read the stage directions. Great. The constable drops his, uh, Wooden staff. Oh, my, my wooden staff. Okay, and then the granddaughter proclaims,

Grandpa, here's a million gold coins if it's going to save your life. I'm a little less invested in what's going on with the constable. Yeah, that's so true, but let's pay attention to the constable. Maybe he has something good to help me and you. Fade to Black, intermission. We return from intermission. to an entirely different set. Let me turn the page here.

The constable is now pacing in his office. Grandma and granddaughter are nowhere to be found. The constable does a soliloquy. Well, I've been investigating this murder for over three days, and so far no clues have arisen. But I am suspicious of that grandmother. Her eyes are too large, and her nose is too large. His pants fall down and his wooden staff clatters to the ground.

Suddenly, Grandma kicks in the door. Was it you, grandma? Did you commit the murder? Of course not. I'm not sweet grandmother. Look at me and my big teeth. Fade to Black. Intermission 2. We return where the granddaughter is sitting on a bed, reading a book to herself. This great Gatsby is such a good book. I'm really enjoying. The end. Huh. I'm just saying we're just saying we. never saw the mysterious doctor, which was mostly what we were supposed to be preparing for, right?

I'm so sorry. Yeah, you know, things go different, you know. Whoa, five fear, when did you get here? I thought you left for a while. Yeah, yeah, I heard y'all were going to tell a cool story and I got involved. I was like, I got to see this. I got to. So I am actually going to leave now. I'll see you in a second. Okay. Well, there's a grandma here now. Who's this grandma? It's me, you're a grandmother. Must be the grandmother Because that's how they introduced themselves Yes, the grandmother, we all know me I'm so sorry

We had been led to believe that you were devoured And that you were no longer alive How are you feeling? I feel fine, you know I mean, look That five fingers was right I was devoured Oh, okay

Guys, I'm sorry I'm so distracted by I hate to say it, how hot this grandmother is. That's a hot grandma, right? Am I crazy? So who are these three tall drinks of grog in front of me? Oh, well, I am Eucidore the Blue, the Great Wizard, and this is my friend Arnie, he's from another world, and this is my other friend, Chunt. He's a badger. And the king of wishful thinking, wink, wink. Ooh, I've heard about this new king of wishful thinking.

Mm-hmm. Yes. Yes, yes. Oh, a king, the perfect person to marry your very sweet and beautiful granddaughter. Mm. Oh, is that right? You have any hard candy, grandma? I do right here in between my boostie to keep it warm.

Mm. Yummy. Warm, rock, hard candy. Yes, right. That's what I always say. I don't know what I'm doing. If I, am I about to hit on this grandma? About to hit on this grandma?

I think you're in the middle of it. I feel like I'm just about to like pull the string on like, you know, really going for it with this grandma. This seems not shocking to me in any way. She's a hotch, hotchinarian. That doesn't work. How would you say hot octogenarian? Hotcheginarian. Hotcagenarian.

Octogenera hot? I wish five fingers was the writer clearly. Octah Shore Octagorgeous? Oh, that's it. Octagorgeous, you say. Well, well, well, I'm happy to see you all. Oh, speaking of Wells, Wells, Wells.

Didn't a little girl fall down the well recently? Oh. Oh, yeah. Let me. Huh. Huh. Hey, what's up, baby? I'm back.

How great? How's it going? Yeah, you know, I was just, that was the wolves. It turns out there wasn't a little boy in a well. That was a trap that the wolves set up. And they got the family there. They ate them. I'm not getting paid by the family.

I am getting paid by the city. Because, you see, I put a bet in that the wolves would eventually get smart enough to come up with some crackpot plan to get the family down to a secluded area to eat them with. And the city took that bed? Yeah, yeah, they definitely did. That's crazy. The city was like, ooh, we got to get in on this action. Yeah, yeah.

They said it couldn't happen because they knew. And looks like knowing doesn't stop much. Wow. Five finger, I've got to say, for half a second, I thought you and the grandma was the same person, but you're clearly not. No, no, no. I was talking about eating her out, and because I did it so good,

she would let me, you know, extort her granddaughter. Yeah, she's like a bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, five finger, you're so good at that that a grandmother was like, take my granddaughter and raise me. I really got to think the wolf mouth, you know. The wolf mouth really helps, you know.

Yeah. Because now, you know, it's a wolf mouth. All the better to taste you with. Yeah, see, see, that's what I would say if I was thinking that 30 seconds ago. Wow. Now, hot grandmother, is that your name, or should we call you by your given name? No, my name is Bernice. Ah, Bernice, it's a pleasure to meet you.

I can't help but notice that you have a little bit of a nosebleed. Do you need us to call your doctor? Hmm. Um, yeah, yes, I guess I should. Um, mysterious, mysterious doctor. Uh, five finger, I think, maybe. No, no, that's not me. Oh, no.

It is me. Mysterious doctor. Yes, how are you doing, Bernice? I'm always just a color way. Oh, welcome, Mysterious doctor. Well, yes. You're very charming. I must say.

A mysterious doctor, I'll call you M.D. for short, I think that's appropriate. Yes, indeed. Indeed. Well, yes. Can I help you with anything? Well, Mysterious Doctor, this hot grandmother seems to have some kind of malady. Bernice, I'm sorry, Bernice, she has a name. Yes. We're just not sure, like, what would it cost for you to give Bernice a checkup just to make sure everything was all right?

Ah, Bernice, open your mouth, please. Yes. Huh. Ah! Oh, wow. I see. We should take a quick break and find out the results of this examination right after this. Fade to black.

So, doctor. Give it to a straight. What's your prognosis? Yes. Oh, a wolf ate her out. Oh. Yeah, the dimensions of a wolf's teeth, you will be chomped a little bit in the process, especially if one's having a good time.

And yes, so she's dealing with some internal bleeding, it seems like. And she just needs rest and a little bit of this tincture I made up. How much is the tincture? For you, Bernice, it is for free. Thank you. Oh, I think that doctor's going to. going to try and eat her out. I was very nice of the doctor

to give her the tincture for free. I was trying to get a lot of money. Yeah, where did he go? He just like this. I like blinked and he was gone. He is gone. So mysterious. I feel like every time, like I'll be paying attention

to the hot grandma and I don't see Five Finger of the Doctor. And then I'll look at the doctor and I don't really see Five Finger of the Grandma. Like it just feels like the other two are just kind of right out of my periphery. I don't know what's happening. It's crazy.

just me or are all three of them, five-finger, the grandma, and the mysterious doctor, so charismatic that when they're talking, that's the only thing I'm looking at. So I'm not even seeing if there's anyone else around. Why even bother? And I do notice every time I turn to focus on a different one of the three people in front of us, characters, if you will, that they're kind of panting out of breath and they have like a wig or a hat or something slightly askew. Is anyone else noticing them? I guess so. It felt rude to point out.

Yeah, almost like someone's running very quickly with, like, wolf-like speed. Uh, five-finger, now that the family's been devoured and you've won your bet, what lies in the future for you? Where are you off to next? I think I might settle down and marry Bernice. Oh. Consider going back to my human form. I mean, it ended up taking, like, three days to turn into a wolf, so I just haven't turned back.

Sure, sure, sure. So you've been a wolf this whole time for several years. Yeah, yeah, I've been a wolf this whole time, you know, had Mange, had to get vaccinated for rabies, you know. Well, I appreciate that you made the effort of getting vaccinated for rabies, though. Oh, of course, you know, I wouldn't want to pass it on to our friend Chunt here. Oh, thank you so much. No, terrible.

Yes. Bernice, how do you feel about getting married here? Ah, I think we're moving too fast. Five-finger. Excuse me? Yeah. I thought this was like a casual thing that led to you extorting my grandchild, and then I'd get a cut of it.

You know, I didn't know you wanted, you know, marriage. Oh. Well, that hurts. the only soothing thing is that I did bet that my heart would get broken. Oh, shit.

Chiching, it came in. Wow. Wow. Five finger. Even while stepping out, the house always wins. Cashing in while stepping out, that is, I want to applaud you. That was incredible.

Well, yeah. Well played. Just hedging all your bets. Just such a smart betting, right? Yes. Yes, I know. Are you doing all right, Fivefinger? You seem a little upset. I mean, obviously, I know... Yes, my art was actually broken.

It wasn't like a play to win. I was hoping to lose that bet. Oh, Five Finger, I feel so bad for you, but I just want you to know that my job is casting spells. And one of the spells that people often come to me for is a forgetful spell. If they fall in love And have their heart broken They'll come to me And I will make them forget That they fell in love

And it doesn't cost a thing Here's a donation jar If you're interested Do you want me to donate to you? You don't have to But I can cast a forgetful spell If you want to donate you can Ah

No I think I'm a I think I'm a hold on of this. I'm thinking this has brought something to me. Yeah. That's beautiful. And I've heard tales of having your memory zapped

running back into the person you got your memory zapped for falling in love with him. Yeah. They're dating some weird guy who found where the memory zapped, you know, pocket dimension is. Use that to date. And now Well

Yeah, I get a lot of repeat customers If that's what you're asking Is it a scam? No For me, it's Eternal Sunshine Five Finger I appreciate that This heartbreak is now just a part of who you are

And you'll build from here Yeah, I'm sure nothing Nothing wrong can happen with a gambling, swindling con man werewolf With a broken heart Heart broken Sorry if that was insensitive You're all right

Five Finger Before we wrap up the episode Would you be all right if I read an email? Go for it Although if you're not in an emotional space No no I can handle it I'll get us a round of drinks Ronnie go ahead and read the email

I'm listening I'm listening And sorry you sir actually Count me out for the drinks I actually have to go to my orientation for my new job So I got to hold on your job Your job overlaps with the time we set aside to record the podcast? It's not like we're getting paid.

Yeah, Arnie, it's not like we're getting paid. Get a fucking job. I'm sorry, guys. I have to go. I got to go to Hugg's face. Bye. Bye. Bye, bye, Fifeinger.

Nice to see you again. Bye. Bye, John. Bye, see you. Watch us. All right. Well, let's see here. I'll read an email.

You know, you can email us at Magic Tavern at Puppies. It's a real email address. You can also join our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and send us a message there. here's an email I got a while back and something that we were talking about this episode reminded me of it and here it is. Dear Usador, I just watched Baz Luhrmann's

The Great Gatsby, a movie version of the book that we all read, and I realized they did not mention or display a snub-nosed motorboat anywhere in the film. I looked up snub-nosed boats. They are designed to be very stable when sailing downwind.

Oh! Why didn't you tell me that years ago? I've been pondering what could this mean? Snub-nosed motorboat. You see, five-finger, when I read The Great Gatsby, I got really hung up on page 14 at the mention of snub-nosed motorboats. I didn't know what those were.

So I don't even know if I finished the whole book. Okay, so they go on, like I said before, I looked up snub-nosed boats. They are designed to be very stable when sailing downwind. I don't think you would ever put a snub-nose on a motorboat. because motor boats can go any direction unrelated to the wind. In lakes, in lakes like where Gatsby lives, the water current will move with the wind. We know from the last line of the book that we are all like boats against the current,

i.e. boats going upwind on a lake. So the book is telling us when we meet Gatsby, Gatsby's boat isn't well designed and it won't succeed in a headwind like Gatsby himself won't succeed when. when he encounters a social headwind. You're sincerely, you're sincerely, Kara Donnelly, Doctor of Fluid Dynamics.

You can use my real name for this email. Kara, Kara, Kara. Kara of Fluid Dynamics. Please, Dr. Kara. Kara Donnelly, Doctor of Fluid Dynamics. Yeah, Dr. Kara. I truly appreciate this interpretation after so many years of having read the book,

but I'm sorry. I have to go with five-finger wolf grandma and say that his interpretation is the best. It's a sign that the green lights are a sign of the times. That's a sign of the times. That's true. That's how I see it now. That's true.

For just a second, Dr. Kara Donnelly, Dr. Fluid Dynamics, had convinced me that against all reason, Eucidore's obsession with snub-nosed motorboats was somehow a deeply revelatory thing about the book. But you're right. I think it's just a sign of the times. Yeah. Some of the times. So thank you for that, Five Finger.

Yes. You've unlocked the mysteries of the book for us at last. Hey, I'm happy to help you. Happy to help you at any time. And we're happy to help you, although you are broken of heart right now, know that you are strong of spirit, and I believe that you shall overcome

any obstacle placed before thee. Five Finger, are there any bets we should make before you go? Are you a little too heartbroken to open those books? I'm always open for bets Even with broken heart Even with broken heart

I'm going to bet 33 gold That you're going to get over this sooner than you think It feels like this feeling is going to last forever But you'll be surprised how quickly you feel better I take that bet And we will see And I'm going to place a bet That chance to do job is some sort of sex work thing

Oh yeah What are the... Ten gold. Yeah, there's a solid bet. I think that's a really good bet. It's a great job. Thank you. Really good bet.

He's crying. Should we console him more? No, no, let's walk away. I wonder if this is like changing into a werewolf, it just takes a really long time. Uh... Oh...

The howl continued for 35 more minutes. Do you know? Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. The Talking Badger was played by Adel Rify. Five Finger Wolfman was played by special guest Ify Waddyway. Ify is the host of Um Actually on Dropout TV. If you want a Usador shirt that reads Good at Magic question mark, the question mark is on the shirt,

not just me questioning your instinct to want the shirt. Although that's also happening. Check out our dashery store. Links in the show notes. Hello? Is anyone here? Ugh, my new assistant is finally here. For the record, you're late. Oh, sorry, sorry.

I had to run from. Make shingle change forest. Mm-hmm. Good thing my equipment runs on excuses. Well, now you can finish the credits. Read the rest of this into that device. Oh, I have one of those. Yes, fascinating.

We all have things. Now read all of this. It doesn't matter if your brain processes any of it. Okay, okay. But hole. But hole. I bit a better butthole. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by the supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patron get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Want to see the show live? We have two live shows left, both coming up in September. September 27th in Charlotte, North Carolina, and September 28th in Richmond, Virginia. Links for tickets and more information are in the show notes. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp. Oh, I know, an Arnie Neacamp.

Matt Young and Abdelterfai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Marissa Ewing. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Ooh, okay. I read it all.

How was that? Wonderful. My favorite part was that I didn't have to listen to any of it. See you next week. A wolf hearts hurts so Oh shit, is five fingers still over here crying? It's been hours.

Or you could say good morning. Oh, good morning. Oh, is five fingers still here? Yeah. Oh. I wanted to see. see if I went on my bed, I placed a bet that Arnie would read an email and say,

Your Sincery. Shit, I was hoping to cut that out. I don't know if it paid off or not. Oh. I think you need a drink or something just to rehydrate alone for all these tears. I'm drinking my tears back on. I'm scary. Stay awake.