Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 68 - Honk if You're Hungry (w/ Ross Kimball)

Episode Date: August 25, 2025

Honk the Assassin is back and you won't believe what he's... okay, fine, he's trying to kill Arnie.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungHonk the Assassin: Ross KimballMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Check out our upcoming LIVE SHOWS!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Love you. Yusinor, have you seen Chunt? We're supposed to do the episode. Oh, no, I haven't seen him. He might be out taking a walk. It's a lovely day. He could be making time with some attractive young creature, though he is stuck in the form of a badger.

His romantic escapades continue. Maybe he's courting one of those geese over there by the bar. Oh, speaking of which, I'm going to finish setting up these mics easier. Do you mind getting us a drink from the bar? Sure, I'll go get just some drinks. What do you want? Oh, I'll just... You know what?

I'll have King's juice. King's juice. Very good. All right. Do we have a guest this week? Should I get a drink for the guest? You know what? I thought we'd just do a weird one.

I thought we just do one where it was just the boys hanging out and we get a little weird. Yeah, maybe a boy's night even. All right. I'll be right back. Okay. Okay, move these microphones around. Uh, uh, pop, burp. Ah. Fuck right off.

You, sir. Are you all right? Yeah. These geese are fucking pricks. Oh, that's right. They're those geese by the bar now. They just, they're dicks to anyone that walks up to the bar. It's going to hurt flower sales. They just started honking at me.

I didn't do anything. Slides across table And a cool way Oh fuck You went right off the other end Oh I knocked up for everything I'm so sorry Oh so many splinters

I thought that It would look so cool Fuck oh my fucking leg Chantai went ahead And got you a king's juice Oh thank you so much Thanks juice Mm-hmm

Oh guys I I sincerely apologize I am Oh I'm sorry I'm late How's the new job Weird good Weird good Weird good

Weird good Yeah yeah Yeah yeah Ooh, are these geese single? What's the story with these geese? I wouldn't go over there. Oh, yeah. So we should drink these slow because if we need more beers, those geese are decks.

Well, I just got a shot, so I'll probably have to go back over there. Fuck. All right, well, anyway, I'll start the show. Are you ready, Chunt? Yeah, yeah, just maybe slow down the intro. Okay. Oh, should I go first this time instead of your time? Yeah, maybe, yeah.

Yeah, okay. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the, magical land of foon i'm your host arnie knee camp if you've never listened to the podcast before this is everything you need to know 10 years and four or five months ago i fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in chicago into the magical fantastical land of foo slower slower slower luckily you're never going to believe this i'm still getting a wifi yeah yeah expound how that's happening i don't know and it's not from the i used to think it was from the burger king but that burger king has been torn down and they put like condos up in its place so i don't know where i'm

getting the Wi-Fi exactly. But I use that to upload a podcast, this podcast, hello from the Magic Tavern. This podcast, not a different one. This podcast. Great, great. To upload just this podcast. Hey, sweetie, what's your name? Oh, ow.

Ow. Hey, sweetie. Oh, hey, what's your name? Don't bother it then. Junt, if you make them honk, it's going to disrupt the audio on the show. Sorry. Sorry. Um, uh, here in the ruffled feather in McShingleshain Forest on the outskirts

fog's face and the magical land of foon. and I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Usador the Wizard. Sorry? Bing-Bong. Oh, sorry. I usually goes first. I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesus,

master of light and shadow. Manipulator of magical lights. Devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Turochus. The elves, nobius, fear, yelok. The dwarves nobius zoned in a new stengis, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gassuminius Maystar. It sucks at one of the geese honked over halls of Turocus. It was great honk of Trakis.

The secret names that if e'er I did whisper them aloud, I, even the faintest whisper, would cause lightning to strike every hemisphere of this globe and break this world in twain! Oh, shit, we're starting too slow. I can tell it. We overshot it. We're starting too slow. Okay, well, I feel a little bit better.

Let me give a little stretch. All right, then I'm also joined my mind. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. What's this? myself. Yes. First. You usually introduce Chunt first. Yeah. You banter with him. I sit there and stare at you two idiots. Not saying a word. But you're skipping over that and going straight into Chantz Introduction?

No, let's banter. You Sidor. What's going on, buddy? You know, spells and stuff. Sure. I'm also joined by my other co-host, Trump the Talking Badger. Honk-Bong, bong. How you doing, bud? So, have you caught your breath? Yes. Thank you so much for for buying me some time. I, um, yes, I tried to ride grapes here as fast as I could. It turns out grapes is not a

racing goat or a running goat or even a trotting goat. Yeah. I noticed when you came in here, you were actually carrying grapes on your shoulders. Like, it must have gotten that bad. Yeah, I just sling them over my shoulder like a continental something and, uh, race over here.

So I am. I am so sorry. No, it's okay. So, so sorry. I know. Look, this podcast is important, but everyone needs their side hustles. And if, if you have job in town you have a job in town we'll accommodate thank you thank you i didn't want to have to bring this up before but is it time to turn in grapes for a racing goat for a racing goat to trade up to a racing goat oh i thought you said turn him in no trade him up trade up trade up to a racing um maybe you know i've gotten pretty attached also um i don't know if you remember someone tried to

eat him and i feel yeah that made me kind of bonded to him win sprinkle yeah i had to kind of nurse him a little bit back to health. Okay. Well, gentlemen, I don't mean to interrupt, but I saw you sitting at the corner, and are you interested in a panini my wife made?

We have cheese and pepperoni, ham, mozzarella. This guy's really pressing us to buy a pinini. Oh, you don't have to. I was just seeing you, men, by yourselves with this audio equipment. Sure. You just looked like we needed a pinini?

It wasn't that funny Absolutely Arnie, why don't you have this Panini Oh, you know, you're really shoving this in my face Arnie, have you bought Paninis from this guy before? I've never met this, but I'm kind of a little bit of a celebrity in this world at this point Let me take off my hood

And this hood And this hood What the fuck? Chunt, grab that end of my hood and pull it back Hello, Arnie. Oh, I know you. You got to be kidding me. Look at me. You look so familiar.

I know he's shut up. Shut up. Shut up over there. Chunt. Grab that hood off the floor. Okay. Put it on my head. Okay. Now, now look at me. Okay, you're sort of, you're sort of showcasing your face.

with your hands. Now, I know it, I know to look at your face. Either you take a step back or I'll have to take a step back, but to get a good view. All right. You're a human. You're not some kind of freaky animal. Hey. Usador, you remember.

Oh, shit. I do, I do remember. Honk the assassin. Honk. It's been a while. Yeah, I'll buy it pinini. Oh, great. Let's see.

Do you have a foil allergy? No, no, I'm fine. That's fine. Great. We have, like I said, pepperoni, mozzarella, and then we have a ham provolone. And my wife made these, so... I'll do the ham in front of them.

She didn't label any of these, so it's kind of just smattering. I don't know. I don't really. If they're not able, I'll just take whatever. It's fine. All right, great. That's going to be four.

There's four gold pieces. There you go. One, two, three, four. Great. And you can have this one back. Oh, okay. Thank you. Very good.

Well, it was a pleasure doing business with you, honk. But we're doing an episode. So, uh, uh, I suppose, um, no, you said or, it's been a one. Look, I know I said we were going to do a weird one. We were going to do a boys night. Sorry, Chunt, we were going to do a boys night. Uh, but instead, why-oh, boys night canceled? Why don't we have honk on as a guest?

Oh, I feel like the last time we saw you was in, at the slippery eel in Grumble Shire, uh, your uncle's place. Well, only a, only a few people would remember that. Yeah, yeah, that one's, that one's just on the Patreon. Oh, shit, wait a minute, wait a minute, slap's the panini is out of use of his hands. I just remembered what Honk does for a living. Don't eat those. But I'm hungry.

He's an assassin. Oh, that's right. You would have eaten this tiny saber. Holy shit. A knife. Yeah, there's a saber inside that Benini. You would have eaten this tiny saber knife. Honk, why would you try to assassinate me?

I was hoping Arnie. Oh, that I get. Get to Panini. He's a bit of a celebrity around here. I am a bit of a celebrity. Oh, no. Have I gotten to death threat level of fame? I guess maybe I have.

Has anyone else tried to kill you, Ernie? Like, recently? I mean, I've tried, I've been stabbed. Along the road, along the road on your travels at the inn while you were sleeping, has you woken up in the middle of the night, someone hovering over you. I do that. I mostly kind of just trapes through Foon with a sort of devil-may-care attitude, but I don't think so, guys. Do you remember anyone trying to kill me this season? Drip Fang stabbed you once upon a time.

Yeah, that was a while ago, though. I'm talking about, like, in the last couple months. King Bellaroth, there's a goose pecking at your neck right now. Oh, yeah. Get away, goose. Honor the warrior. On your knees, on your knees, King Belaroth. King Belaroth.

Oh, sure. Oh, are you like really, are you like a Beloroth head? Am I really into, Marnie? Yeah, I am really into him because he's the king, and he sent me to kill you. What? That's why I ask, because I cannot be the first, but I will be the last. Yeah, because you're probably. probably not the most effective assassin he has in his employee.

Arnie, careful. What are you doing? Get up. Follow me. Have you, have we never met? Follow me to the corner. Chant, Eustador, stay here. Arnie, follow me.

Okay, fine. You're lucky I need my steps. It feels like we should go, but... No, you stay here. Okay. Follow me. We're not going outside. We're just staying right here.

Can I eat my pinita even though it fell on the floor? Absolutely. Arnie, can you do me a favor and just not do that in front of them? I need you to be a little more scared Oh shit I'm sorry I need you to be a lot more scared Yeah yeah

I can't promise that I can't promise that I can't promise It'll let you kill me but I I need you to nod after I say this Oh okay And that's that Mm hmm Whoa you saw did you see that

Oh he seems terrified What's why I'm gonna grab your wrist Let me know if it's too rough Whoa Come here We're back Oh wow Arnie get me something to drink

And I want something off the apps Okay Uh, honk, I gotta say, I'm really impressed. Like, you're being very gentle. You don't need to talk about it anymore. We're back with everybody. Oh, okay. You don't need to say anything.

What's going on? Guys, guys, I'm so scared of honk. I'm gonna go get us all drinks. I'll be right back. Oh, okay. King's juice. King's juice. Chunt, you should eat half of this pinini.

It's excellent. I took the saver out. Oh, okay. Fuck off, geese. Fuck off. Honk, holy shit. You really, I've never seen anyone talk to Arnie like that. That was incredible.

Well, someone has to. Yeah. Here's the thing about celebrity. You get surrounded by yes people, yes men, yes women. You have nature telling you you could do whatever you want. Yeah. And you get to the point where you feel invincible. And today, I'm going to make Arnie feel invincible.

Yes, finally. I actually think this is a provolone and gut a mix. Give me that. Split that out. Spit that out. A vial of poison. You would have chopped down in this glass And the glass would have killed you

It's an empty vial The poison The skull and crossbones There's nothing in it Okay But the shards would have ripped up that pallet Yeah I might not have died

But it wouldn't have been good for me You waste nothing That's impressive Okay I'm back I'm back with the drinks Kings juice for you Kings juice for you Hong

You're very scary I'm scared of you Great And a toast A toast And Arnie's laying it on just thick enough. To be said by chunt.

Oh, um, honk if you do, honk if you don't. Honk and you drink, honk is the best. I'll drink to that. I forgot how much he loves to say, huh? Ow! What the ow! Pick you up and punch them. Oh, he kicked the shit out of that goose.

It flies, it flies. Have you always been married? Yeah, when did this happen? Your wife made these sandwiches? Me? Of course. Oh, I don't know if I've ever heard about her. Have we talked about your wife before? Yeah, a dish.

Well, you don't ask. You don't ask. So I don't bring up. I'm not going to be one of those. I'm not going to be a wife guy. I'm going to be, I'll bring it up when it's brought up. And then I'll be a wife guy. I love her to death. Oh, no. No, not that way, Ernie.

He's so scared. You can see the terror in his eyes. So you say something like that. Of course he's going to take it the wrong way. Is that bag of hay that has, wife written across the chest in that back booth is that your wife? It's like a bag of hay. It looks like a cobbled together scarecrow. No, but

let's not look at her. She's going to walk over. Yes, it is. Holy shit. Holy shit, she's walking over. Oh my God. Oh, geez. I am so sorry. I thought, oh my God, I'm so sorry. We should take a quick break. I'm going to cut her off of the past. Hold on. Well, no, we can just take a quick break because it'll take our while to walk over here. Hey, great. Hey, can you follow me over here? Can I talk to you?

Me? Me? No, babe. Not you. You guys stay. I'll say here. I really want to eat this sandwich, but there's so much shit in it. I'm so excited to tell you about a new podcast called Like Minds that I sincerely love listening to and I got to be a guest on recently. Like Minds is a very funny trivia podcast hosted by Joey Bland, who is a two-time Jeopardy Champ, professional improv comedian, friend, and he sounds a lot like Winky Silks from Hello for the Magic Tavern. Every episode of Like Minds, he brings on two people to compete in a quiz that he is written based on listener's suggestion. The quizzes go all over the place, lots of twists and clues and tons of bits and banter along the way.

The trivia is great, the jokes are great. It's a delightful listen. Plus, he's already had guests like Andy Richter, the Sclar Brothers, Hey Riddle Riddle, Hello from the Magic Tavern, and even Helen Hunt and Jason Alexander. I think you'll love it, I love it. Check out the most recent episode that I'm in. That's the most important part. and follow like minds wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, okay.

She's going to go home and make some more Paninis. Oh. Safe ones? She says hi. Oh, hi. Honk, if you're hungry, we could, um, we could order you something here at the tavern or the... Now, that's a t-shirt.

Honk if you're hungry. Okay. You know what? Chunt, do you want your new t-shirt to be honk if you're hungry? Yeah, either that or... Honk if you're horny. I guess you and your wife could leave and you could. I keep honking.

I'm reloading my honk. So, Chunt, your shirt words read Honk, comma, if you're horny. Yeah, I think I've said it before when honk was here. Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah. Okay, new shirt. Honk if you're horny in our merch store,

but it's Chunt saying it. So it's extra sexy. But honk. It's not an interesting story. I'm not going to get into it. but um no i just happened to know simple engagement simple engagement that's all sure i hate to pry but it did seem like you're married to a sentient bag of hay like it's it can walk around and it seemed like it was talking to you carla yeah was it a disguise or she she always been a bag of hay uh she always

have wife not to me not to me i mean to have everyone else but not to me and um and don't make the joke going to take a roll in the hay. Oh, shit. That is something. I had it loaded. Nope. I saw you. Bring up your fingers. You're loading those joke fingers. It's something that I can say, but you cannot. Oh, sure, sure. We met, I was on a mission.

The king, Toblamp. You love that king. Tom Lane, Belaroth. I don't, listen, if it's not written on my hand, I don't remember. Sure. King sent me on a mission. It was laid at night and I wholly through moonlight. I saw this opening in the field. Oh. And I

saw the bales of hay and the big stacks of hay. Nice. In that movie with a big bird travels across the country. Sure. Oh, Arnie, I've been describing movies you talk about. Oh, sure. Yeah. I think they've gotten around. I think a lot of people have been... I'm just describing it for the... I mean, I

assume these microphones work. I just love that the oral tradition has brought Follow that bird all over Foon. Oh, yeah. Speaking of oral tradition, and keep talking about meeting your wife. What was next? You saw our big case next? I'm following my own shadow through the light of the moon.

And as you know, that's a horrible way to get through a field because eventually you are just going in a circle if you're following your own shadow and not looking forward. Absolutely. And I see out of the corner of my eye a hay bale following me. No legs, just hovering. 18 inches off the ground. 18 inches, come on.

the average is five and a half off the ground what do we do it following me off the ground and I turn to it and I say get away I'm on a mission and the hey I eventually find out it's Carla says I want to help and we go on a mission we break into a house full of adults no children okay that's good and we go in and kill everyone

hey honk okay hey honk yes hey honk no I'm saying was that you're horny no I'm asking what like as a duo are you hey honk oh hey honk or honk hey i have never heard that would that be our celebrity name i think so yeah that's or is that just our is that just two names put together i guess i think so like if you have like a josh and a pam i think they become like josh pam or pam or pam josh that's how it works for me right jam jam jam jam great now i'm hungry i guess hey and honk could be Hank? We can't have children.

Oh. But you've tried. Is her hay all dried? I mean. I'll trade up? I'm rolling around. Sure. I'm drying.

Well, needle in a haystack. Hey, hey, that's not funny. You could put together bail and honk and have bonk, but maybe that brings up the specter of not being able to have children. That's what we're doing on my birthday. Sure. This might seem like a weird question. Is she religious at all?

Like, is she a Christian bail? Yay! Artie, we dropped a banner. There's confetti. Hey, I did it. They're bringing out a cake. What is happening? I told the tavern, I said,

what Arty does his best one? Bring it out. This cake looks old. Like, we've been here for weeks. Things have been slow. That's why she's making paninis. We're growing our own tangerines. It's been...

It's been slow. It's been slow. But this, I mean, if I kill you today, Arnie, this would be a big night for me. So have your cake, drink your, drink your ale. But I am going to kill you tonight. Honk, I hope you don't kill me, but can I ask, has it been a while since you've killed anybody? Like, are you kind of on the outs with the assassins again? Oh.

This is why I need this, Arnie. I see. I'm getting no invites to the midnight rallies. Uh-huh. the four o'clock rallies. I'm getting no invites to the birthday parties. Yeah. I'm getting no invites to the condo raids.

Sure. The worst part about not getting invited to the midnight rallies, it's like, you know when they are, right? It's like, you know they're happening. It's midnight. Yeah. Roll up the, roll up the banner. Okay. Let me just.

Hypothetically, hypothetically, let's say you were very good at a job for a long. time and people revered you, people feared you, people were asking for you to slash their arm as a form of an autograph. Sure. I was going to say before that last part doesn't seem hypothetical. Sounds like you're describing

me to a T, except for the arm slashing part. Should that be your new shirt, Arnie? Describing me to a T, and you're looking at the T-shirt? No new art, just new phrases. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And let's say you asked to go on a mission a run of the mill

going into a house full of adults to kill them and you botched it sure you you went in and you killed everyone

except for one person and that person eventually goes and ruins your life by stealing your identity for three months and tallying up a bill at a restaurant that you don't go to.

Oh, shit. And that you've never heard of. Yeah, yeah. And then down, let's say, three weeks ago, you find a great area, nice schools. Even though you don't have kids, you want to be in an area with nice schools. Sure. This is all still hypothetical, right? This is never happened.

Okay, okay. And this, and you find a place that you want to buy. and they're like, great, we'll just have to run a check. So they checked all the nearby restaurants? Oh, yeah. That's what they do. Yeah, if someone should move into a new area or settle down, they're like, well, we're going to check around the nearby restaurants,

the inns and taverns, and see if you're near-do-well. Yeah, see if you've run out on your bill, you know. Right. Yeah, absolutely. So, long story short, the barley corn has a tab under my name, Honk, for 420,000 gold pieces. Nice. It's not nice.

Oh, sorry. That would be 69,000. Nice. 420,000 gold. Do you have that sort of money? No. No. No.

Can I ask? And I'm so sorry, this might be slightly a side thing, but people never talk about money, and probably they should. Like, what do assassins make? Oh. Money-wise? Yeah. Does it pay well?

What are you pulling down to you? Depends who I'm killing on the food chain. Sure. You know, gutter punks, three pieces. Yeah. Gig life. It is a gig life. You know, I don't even have, and you know, the taxes here, there's no way to check.

So I'm not sending any paperwork. But for someone like you or a king or some sort of sentient being, I'll say this. I'll say this. Have I killed you 17 gold pieces? If I killed a king, I would get paid 400 gold pieces, but immediately death. Yeah, yeah. There's no way. I mean, there's no way.

17 gold seems like a very low amount considering I just paid four for a sandwich. I'm talking about Arne. I know you're talking about Arne, but it's still a life, and I think you need to raise your rates. I think you're undervaluing your gifts, your place in the market. Yeah. I think you need to, like, rethink your whole structure. from the ground up, and start charging what you're really worth. Yes, you need to have a creed.

You need to have, you know, just like your own sort of like... A creed. Something that brings him higher? What? Like, can you take him higher? I was thinking the same thing, and I'm a little upset that I didn't say it. And I'm getting a little closer not to kill you, Arne, because I was thinking the same thing. In my defense, I blurted out so fast because I did know if I was saying it right.

I was like, I'm never going to remember it exactly. And sometimes it's tough to be like, how can I cram this into a sentence? Takes practice. I recommend just cramming away. And if it makes sense, great. You know, it's a confidence. It's a confidence thing. I'll be honest.

It's a confidence thing. I lost the edge. I misplaced a lot of my weapons. Forging a river. You lost them all in a river? I flipped over. I was trying to impress someone. I shouldn't have done it.

I did a front flip. Oh, so you were doing stunts. It wasn't just crossing a river. you were doing trying to do stunts it was a look at this type situation and just you did like your upside down a bunch of daggers and poison vials fell out of your pockets well i didn't realize that until i was on the other side oh geez so now i just have my bare hands my wits and hovering hay that follows me everywhere it's not nothing it isn't it isn't so i i have to start over so maybe my creed would be it's a new beginning for me that means for you

You don't know where I started. I could be in the middle. But make sure that you're following along. I like the length of this creed. Never say that you are away from where your destination is. Because look down. Your destination was always there. Whoa.

Wow. Yeah. Whoa. I need 400 gold pieces. Okay. Tonight. Oh, I like tonight. So it's your.

It's you, 17 with you, and then I need to kill. So you need to kill, like, a lot of people of my stature or higher, like, in standing. I'm trying to get some waterfront property in this place. You think you're going to, like, are you going to, like, flip that and rent it to try to, like, make, make a, make a, make a, make a money back? I don't, I don't, I don't flip. Okay. Yeah, you lost all your weapons. I wonder how much, uh, maybe, like, assassinating a goose would be.

Like, I don't know how much that brings in. This? Whoa, shit. Zero. This one? Oh. Nothing. You should eat those.

He's cutting their necks and then kicking them. I know they fly, but you can't keep doing that. Watch this. A drop kick. That means it hits the ground first, and then I kick it. Seems needlessly cruel, but... There's so much goose blood. All right.

I mean, you're their namesake, so I don't know why you're being such a dick to them, but that's fine. We should take a quick break and come back, and we're going to find a way to help Honk out of this financial crisis. Killing a goose is more than being a tick to him. Honk, I don't want to die. And also, weirdly, I consider you a friend.

I don't know why, because you're always trying to kill one of us. But I have to imagine we can help you. Like, I don't have 400 gold, but it seems achievable. Shunt, did you get these mini-year? Donuts? Yeah, I brought them from, yeah, I brought them from Hawkspace. Here's the thing, Arnie. I am, I'm alone.

I know I'm married and I have a lot of things going on, but you, you seem like a businessman. Have you had any businesses? I mean, just as podcast and our shirts that don't sell because they're stupid and bad. I think we're trying to make them bad. Okay, so maybe I'm not, maybe I shouldn't be talking to you. Um, Ousador, you, uh, you have a, a knack. Oh, yes.

With words, do you, did you have a business at all, or? Oh, I've had many businesses over my very long lifetime. And I would gladly give you any advice you need financially. Most assuredly, if money you need to make, you could be like me. Offer your skills, but for no price at all. But then guilt people into making a donation. Say, oh, certainly. I'd love to assassinate.

that person. And you know what? I'll do it for free. But if you want to make a donation of, oh, I'd say, 200 gold or more, I can get it done even faster. And you'll get this very fetching hat and tote bag. Ooh, a fetching hat. And who am I saying that to? Why don't you ever need someone killed? Well, let's try. Hey, Chunt. Yeah? Do you need anyone killed? Well, I didn't want to say anything, but there is one of the geese at the bar has been just I fucking do all night long. And he left, clearly got a hat in a robe, but now he's telling everyone he's goosador.

What the fuck? What the fuck? Whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on. Wait, that, hold on. Let's not kill this goose so quickly. This might be the most important character we've ever run across. No, shut up, party. Shut up.

Are you talking about that golden goose right there? Yeah, the golden goose. Yeah, the only golden goose right there, yeah. He keeps laying these eggs that I tried to kick one and I broke a toe almost. Okay, all right, that's it. I cannot stand for this. Chant, I thought you were going to have someone killed, but it turns out the customer was I all along.

Honk, how much would you charge me to kill that goose that's dressed like me, calling itself Goosador? Well, geese are zero. You don't get paid. No, no, no, no, no. You have to. You have to reach a house. Oh, yeah.

Ah. Well, it's very, uh, in my mind, 21. 21 golden pieces. Okay. But I'm confused because it's made of gold, so... Oh, but I'm paying you. Okay. This is why I'm bad at business. You're paying me. No, I'm paying you. You are bad at business. Look, I need you to kill that goose, all right? The golden one... I'll be back.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Hong Kong, Kong, Kong. You see? Got to finish the negotiation first. I will pay you 50 gold. Done, when I'm back. No, no, no, no, no. I will pay you... I will pay you 50 gold to make sure that Goosador never dies.

What? No, why, Ani, why would you do that? Oh, shit, guys, look, all the geese are, like, rooting for Goosidor. Now they're selling T-shirts at the bar. There's a t-shirt with, like, a stock image of Goosidor, and it says, I'm going to put Usador down. That's pretty fucking funny. What? That's pretty fucking funny.

That sucks. I hate it. I'll pay you 100 gold to make sure that that goose is dead. I'll pay you 150 gold to make sure that goose is dead. $150 gold to make sure that goose is immortal. Honey, what are you doing? I don't know. 20 gold to go grab me one of those t-shirts.

I'll be right back. Chunt, he went to go get the t-shirt, but the t-shirt cost 20 gold. He's not going to make any money off of that. Look, look, look, look. Okay. Chunt, yeah? I think they overheard what you said

because their t-shirts are very familiar. It says honk, honk, honk, honk, honk. Oh, shit. That's goose for honk if you're horny. But it's the goose saying it. It's the goose saying it. Fuck? Wow.

All right. I've had it with these geese. Ernie, what's this? You want to interview one of them or something? No. I just want there to always, as long as we're in Hogs' face, as long as we're at the ruffled feather, I want there to be a golden goose wearing a wizard hat that we can occasionally refer to as goose atore just in the tavern. We don't need to interview them. We don't need to engage with them very much.

I know what I'll do. I'm going to throw water at this motherfucker What the fuck? He did not like that He's just rolled right off his back Fuck Yeah he is a wizard He is a wizard

I was never gonna do anything Well hold on hold on John I think all of them did that here I'll pour my ale on one Oh he's pissed Oh stop pecking at us Get out of it All right

This is my final offer Honk I pay you No I'm sorry go ahead Honk Yes You need 400 gold right For this real hand while you

Hold my hand. All right. A man, a man's honor at stake. You need $400 gold for your real estate deal, correct? I really do, yes. I will pay you that $400 gold if you promise me to kill all of those geese tonight. And you know what? As a gesture of good faith, here is the bag of $400 gold right now.

What? Hold on. I'm paying you in advance. In real time, I'm going to count this. Oh. Okay. One. Okay, this is going to take one.

Hunk, while you do that, here's my offer. I will pay you two gold pieces if you grab that bag of gold and run right now. Here's two. Arnie, here's two. Here's two for you right now. No, you don't pay him. Why are you giving me you source money? Stop paying other people.

You have to take the money. Okay, this is the first rule of business. Take money from people. Where did those mini donuts go? Oh, sorry. I put up away. I thought we were all done. And you want them back?

No, I want one, too. Okay, here you go. Thank you. Honk, who is this money supposed to go to? Maybe should we cut you out of this entirely? I mean, to help you, like, if we deliver this gold directly to the person that you need to get this gold to, so you don't have to worry about it. Excellent idea. Let me write down the address.

It's a realtor just outside of town named Marnie. Now, Marnie does not look like us. Okay. Okay. Don't love that sentence. When I look, I'm looking at you, humans. I'm looking at Yusador. Arnie.

But Marnie also doesn't look like a badger, I assume. No. No. No. No. Have you ever seen a tree? Yes. Yes. Bend it over. Okay. It was in the wind. Okay. Okay. Now put a raptor tail on it. Okay. 400 gold pieces. Hold on, that's it. If I need... Hold on. If I... What?

So it's a bent over a tree with a raptor tail? That's it? You can't miss her. I can't imagine we would. Just outside of town, if you give her 400 pieces in my name, I will get the waterfront property. Okay. That my wife, Carla and I, can build a small house.

Okay. For our... And it's just us. We can't have kids. Yeah. You don't have to keep bringing that up. Guys, I never say this. Let's not help him.

Let's not help him. Let's not help. What if we didn't help? I suppose we don't have to. Should I walk away while you talk about me? No, no, no, no, no. I want you to hear all this. You say that you're not going to help me.

Yeah, I want you to hear it. I kind of want to meet Marnie. I don't know. I'm very curious about Marnie, Arnie. Chunt, you and I, maybe we should go deliver this gold and meet Marnie. Yeah. Oh, also, no offense, but are you related, Eustador? Here's the thing.

Wait, wait. Hey. I'm so sorry. Hang on. Because now I understand how it fills you with rage, how it fills me with rage, when someone has almost the same name as me. So the whole Goosador thing I get it. The Marnie thing is it's filling me with rage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chunt, what do you mean? Am I related? Well, um, Marnie, the bent over tree has a raptor tail and I know that your cousin is... No. Oh, Crapdoor. No. I am not related to Craptoor.

Crapdoor is a dinosaur. A shitty dinosaur. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dinosaurs as birds, and it is true that a conspiracy of wind and rain and birds and fire and frogs and deer insisted that a champion come forward into the world. And I did emerge from their request, be at the behest of the goddesses to defeat all forms of evil. But I am not related to that fucking dinosaur craptor. I'm not related to him. Arnie, I feel like the wizard doth protest too much.

I don't. Craptor can fuck right off. I'm not related to Marnie. I'm not related to Craptor. He's obsessed. No. Okay. All right. This is what's going to happen right now. All four of us, we're walking down to that river. We're going to find Marnie. Come on. Leave the fucking geese here. Who gives a shit about the geese? You can't miss it. Oh, you're coming with us. Come on. Okay, fine. Come on. Ow, ow. Fuck off. Fuck out. We're going to find Marnie. We're going to straighten all this out. We're going to straighten all this out. Hunk, honk. Hunk. Get out of the way. Out of the way. Hock, honk, honk. I can't. I can't move. I'm going to talk to this, Marnie, and I'm going to prove to you that I am not related to dinosaurs. You understand that? If it doesn't work out

And you're looking for a place If this doesn't work out for me You need her in your contact She's a great realtor Okay, well, that's great Because I don't want to piss off a realtor They're one of the worst things To piss off in all food

All right, here she is Out there in the distance Okay Uh, hello, friend Tizai, Yuselor the Blue Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesias Master of Light and Shadow A manipulator of magical delights

Devour of Chaos Champion of the Great Halls of Trakus Are you sure that's her? Known by the dwarves of Zonanuk Stangy just known by the, known by the... Oh, this one doesn't have a tail. Yeah, hold on. This one doesn't have a tail. Hold on. We're just talking to a tree.

Okay. Hold on. Oh, boy. I'm a little turned around here. Also, guys, I hate to say it. I noticed when we left the tavern, Hong just started following a shadow by the moonlight, so... We're like... We need Carla. We need Carla to get us out of here.

Yeah, we're just on the other side of the tavern. Okay. Um... Well, fuck. Um... Well, I do... I do want to say this. I've had a lot of fun tonight, but, Arne, I do need to kill us. you. No, I'm sorry, I have to intervene here.

Of course, I can't allow you to kill Arnie. He's a good friend of mine, and if you tried to kill him, I will use all my wizardly prowess to strike you down. I may say a secret name, which would cause you to erupt in flames, or I may cast a freeze spell at you, or I may just slam my staff down onto the ground, opening a chasm beneath you where you'd fall to a grisly death of fire and brimstone. Oh, holy shit. Look,

Goosador's in a bubble up in the air above us. He's charging up. Damn it. He's charging. Charging up. He does, why does he have magic? He's just a goose with a wizard hat on. I guess fake it till you make it.

I don't know. Fucking hell. Did we pay our tab? We just... Oh, shit. Oh, no. It's our trouble. It's true.

It's flower. She won't be mad. It'll be fine. It's flower. She will be mad, but she's always mad. Yeah, it'll hold it over her heads for years. Look, Honk, I'm going to be honest. I don't think there's any way you're going to pull off this deal.

Not that you can't get the money. I just don't think you're going to successfully get this place. And that's okay. Here, I have what, 47 gold pieces, which is no small amount. I'm just going to give it to you. See what you can do with that eventually wherever you land. Absolutely. And you know what?

Earlier today, not even but an hour ago, I came rushing from work and I got paid today. So here is 400 gold. You piece that together and do something with it and see if it can make min's meat. In's meat. I'll make min's meat. Oh, a min's meat, a pinini would be kind of delicious, actually. Amazing panini. A means meat panini.

I like that. I mean, spill out after one bite, but yeah. Delicious. I'll also, just so I don't feel like a dick, I'll give you, yeah, it's 150 gold. So you've got... Oh, I'm good. I already have 400. Thank you, though.

All right. Gentlemen, can I tell you I've had a great time. Arnie? Yeah. Look at me. Yes. I'm holding both your wrists on purpose. Yeah, you're very...

Because I was going to kill you tonight. What? Honk. But... I never believe for a second you were capable of it, but I love you. I'm glad we got to see you again. I hope you get your shit again. You will see me again because I'm not an interruptor, but I need to let you know that there are more people out to kill you.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Honk, can these coins we gave you, can they be a down payment on you killing other assassins? Like, you don't have to go... out of your way, but if you come across an assassin that you've heard is trying to kill me, will you kill them?

Down payment. Arnie, it would be my pleasure. I will let you know that I am not good with money, so I will not be, I don't know how to keep track of this. So if I kill a certain number, I will be asking for more money. And you'll say, well, we gave you

400. I will say what I am saying now. I'm not good with money. And if you don't pay me, I'll kill you. Okay, that's fine. That's fine. One tip, though, before you kill them, don't give them any of the money. They won't need it, and then you'll just have less money. Say that one more time.

Right before you kill them, don't give them any of you. Which I will. Of course. Don't give them any of your money. They won't need it, and then you'll have less money. And I will slip it in their pockets. No. In their cold, cold pockets, and I will walk away.

Why are their pockets cold? All right, Honk. Do whatever you want with the money. If you need more money, I guess, just come back to us and shake us down again. Look, Honk, I'm going to be honest. Most episodes, we end up giving most of our money to whoever's on the show for no reason. You did give the money out pretty quick. Yeah. Honestly, this is less than we usually give.

I kept my money for a change. You can't tell if we're generous or stupid. I think it's stupid. I love you. Me? I love you. Oh, Carla. Oh, you were talking about it.

Sorry. We thought you were talking about it. Oh, that felt so bad. We should just go back. Let's just go back to the town. I'm going this way. Oh, shit, he's walking the same direction as us. Oh, shit.

It's weird. Well, let's hang back a little bit, Carla. Let's give him another space. Oh, sorry, honk, you threw the money. Here you go. All right, see you. Gentlemen, until we meet again, Carla, disrobe. Oh, yeah, we here definitely have to go.

I'm worried about Gussidor just charging up in the air like that. Is he stuck? Is he over charge? Chant, here's her money back. Sorry. Are you sure? Here's your money, yes. Oh, this is actually...

Arnie, I'm keeping your 45, Arne. That's fine, yeah, yeah, yeah. Honk, this is $750. I gave you $400. Have a good night. Okay. What is going on in his head? I can't...

I can't put it together. All I know is, running away from the three main hosts, never a bad idea. So, wait, my new assistant couldn't stick around long enough to do the outro? Great, I guess I'll be the change I want to see in the world and phone them in myself. User or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chonter-talking Badger was played by Adol Rify. Honk, the Assassin, was played by the budget-friendly version of John. Brolin, special guest Ross Kimball.

Check out Ross's podcasts, the Kent Beagle Mind Summit, and The Most Wonderful Pod of the Year, where he reviews bad Christmas movies and specials with his co-host, Jackie Gonzalez Dorothy. Also, you can still see him as one of the jurors in the acclaimed TV show, Jury Duty. If you want a chunt shirt that reads, honk if you're horny, I know I don't.

Check out the dashery store. You'll also find the regular Magic Tavern shirts and the special live show's shirts as well. Links in the show notes. Would you prefer to listen to other podcasts? Did you know that's always been an option? Friend of the show Joey Bland, who portrays Winky Silks in this Our Only Universe,

has a new trivia podcast, like minds. I thought there was a new podcast because just last night, one of the evening stars flickered and went out. Anyway, on a recent episode of this, Matt and Arnie competed against each other. Find like minds wherever you find any other podcasts. It's not like they created a new internet just for this thing.

Hello for the Magic Tavern is an independent production. Made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus, which is an episode-length Craig Adventure. I didn't approve this. Here's the clip. There's a present for you under the tree. I've been waiting many years for you to come and open it.

I hope you like it. All right, I'll just open it now here. Oh, is it okay if I stay while you open it? Yeah, I just thought, I mean, it's the gifts. Usually it's better to, it's for the person who's giving it, really. You want to share that moment. Please open it. So I'll just, oh, and it has my name, which is a little odd, but I'll just open this.

Oh, a sweater. Yeah, it's a sweater. I made it myself, but look under the sweater. There's a Game Boy color. Whoa! This is going to come in so handy. This is like the only entertainment here. This is great. I've been waiting what feels like a thousand years to give somebody a Game Boy Color. Oh, but I see the only game you have here is that one that requires the light sensor that uses the sunlight and there's literally no sun here.

So I don't know how I would possibly. I didn't realize that. I'm so sorry. That's all right. I can get some ROMs. Well, that was about how I thought it would be. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rofi. Post-production Coordination by Garrett Schulz, Associate producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Red Keener.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.