Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 72 - Fluff Bloodpants (w/ Josh Gondelman)

Episode Date: September 22, 2025

Fluff the Squirrel is back and he has an insatiable thirst for blood.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungFluff the Squirrel: Josh GondelmanMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Check out our upcoming LIVE SHOWS!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You know, now that Podpires has taken off in Foon, I feel more comfortable telling you all about one of my favorite podcasts that you can listen to on Earth, rude tales of magic. It's an improvised narrative role-playing podcast starring folks who have worked with Adult Swim, Cartoon Network, Comedy Central, Marvel Freaking Comics, and More. It features the deliciously weird Branson Reese and his Jester's Retinue. That includes Christopher Hastings, Carly Monardo, Tim Platt, Joe Lepore and Allie Fisher. They play a group of unlikely

survivors in the madcap and exceedingly rude Fantasy Wasteland of Cordelia. What kind of characters we talk in? Well, we're talking a talking crow for one, my personal favorite. A litch in a wig. A bubbly fawn.

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But seriously, it's fantastic. Gestors of Ravenloft is a podcast where a collection of comedians have been sucked into Ravenloft. The best part is, none of them knew it was going to happen. Four improvisers jump from a warm-up scene straight into a campaign where they have to build each other as characters. We're looking at intelligence or strength. So you're either really weak or really stupid. At first, they struggle to adjust, but soon they're picking catchphrases. Looky, looky, I got hooky.

Quoting hook. Facing down nightmare monsters. There was a man with a horse and flames and flying swords. Not really learning much about where they are. Inside Ravenloft, there are hundreds and thousands of individual domains. I'm stuck in one of those. And running into our sports. special celebrity guests.

It's me, Fern the Hotsog. Did you like wrap on the Mandalorian and then get sent to Ravenloft? Jester's of Ravenloft releases two new episodes every Friday. So journey into the Mists with us now. People of Earth,

the following podcast is not real. And not only that, it's not content to stay within the confines of the internet. No, it's now wandering around the country. leaving a trail of confusion and unresolved plot points in its wake. What I'm trying to say is tickets are still available for the upcoming Magic Tavern live shows in Charlotte, North Carolina on September 27th, and Richmond, Virginia on September 28th. Links for tickets are in the show notes.

Now, while you barricade your home, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of foon. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Ten years and many months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern, the Ruffled Feather, in McShingleshane Forest, on the outskirts of Hogs Face in the magical land of Foon.

And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, he loves to call me boss. Shunt the Talking Badger. Hey, big guy. Hey, hmm, how you, how you doing, buddy? Pretty good. Hey, Arnie, I know I said it a few times. I just really want to check in and make sure that you know when I eventually go, which goddesses forbid, that I am dropped off at stuffed perverts. That is right.

You've made it clear that when you die, you want your body donated to perversion. Well, to stuffed perverts, the taxidermy store with Jeans Hackman in the window. Yes, exactly. And to be clear for people who didn't listen last week, Jeans Hackman is a, is a now. Now dead, axe murderer, who... Artie, you can't describe people as now dead. That's insensitive. Oh, what's the proper term?

I don't think you mention it at all. Oh, you don't mention... Wait, you can't say if people are alive or dead? Oh, you can say, or you can subtly hint at it, but to lead with now dead... Sounds like some sort of coming attraction. It's gauche, my dear boy. You could say less corporeal than I previously believed them to be.

Now, that's tactful. Thank you, Usador. Or someone has some sense here. I don't know. Maybe I'm, am I entering my old cranky phase where I'm just sort of like, I want to be thoughtful,

but also some of this stuff is a lot of work. Arnie, you got to put in the work. Even for dead people? Yes, especially for dead people. They're the ones who would haunt us. I mean, in this very booth, we had a ghost not too long ago.

That's true. If people listened to a couple episodes ago. What are the odds? You know, I see. dead people. What? Oh, you're dating again? Yes. Yes, I decided to go out on a date for the ghost. Ooh, very progressive. How was that? It was interesting. We didn't have a lot in common. She was just sort of like wailing a lot. Nice. Shaking her chains, shaking her chains. Wink, okay. Is it possible she needed help?

I don't think so. I asked several times, as is my want. You know, I was looking to do some good. And I was like, do you need me to free you from these chains? And she said, I forge these chains in life by being a bad seamstress. Oh, sure. Which seems like a harsh... You're moving a little fast.

I mean, you're saying, can I take your chains off, like, buy her dinner first? That's true. Yeah, or buy her a beer. I have a recommendation. It's a new beer called, It's Barley and Barley. Ooh, it's so good. Sounds good. Yeah.

So good. Well, I don't have much time for dating anyway. But I'll get to that once I'm... Once you're what? Introduced. Oh, so I thought you were just said you were going to say dead, but you were being too polite. Oh, Arnie, you sort of wants us to introduce him to someone. Oh, sorry.

I am also joined by my other co-host. Who could you sort of? I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trakus, the elves nobius, fear, and yelik, the dwarves nobius zonan and hoax tanges,

and I am known throughout the northeast as Gassumwanius may star, and there are other names, names so secret that if I did air allow them to drip off mine tongue, then most assuredly those very drips would become a tidal wave and that tidal wave

would engulf the world save it for the sexy ghost I would love to save it for a sexy ghost but I have been hard I'm so sorry to interrupt you this is very early to be doing this in the episode should that be your t-shirt oh save it for a sexy ghost

a t-shirt with usador saying save it for a sexy ghost, I feel like that's just the thing we need to sell more than 10 t-shirts. I mean, it's better than all the other bullshit t-shirts, so I'll take it. Okay, so now on our dashery store, you can buy a used... For a limited time,

you can buy a t-shirt where Usur says, Save it for a sexy ghost. But I've been working diligently all week since I acquired the mystical item, the bleeding rose. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So I could cast a spell to make all the wizards, fall in love

with each other and end this terrible wizard conflict as they amass arms preparing to go to war to lay waste to all of us selfish bastards and need now they they they just build these monuments to themselves and they don't even want to regulate anything it's a nightmare buddy buddy buddy rubs your shoulders you got to relax you're so tense there's a lot going on right i know but you can't kill yourself to save the world okay okay but I can cast a love spell with the bleeding rose, and I've already begun the incantation.

And there's blood everywhere, by the way. There's blood everywhere. This rose bleeds a lot, but it's an excellent rose, and it's going to help this spell be the most powerful love spell I've ever cast. Oh, I see you actually have an incanter on the table here. That's to let the spell breathe a little bit.

Yeah, you really want to, like, open it up, and let the spell kind of any incantation sort of breathe and, um, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I feel like fancy spells are wasted on me. I can't tell the difference. I agree. Oh, do a spell on Arnie.

We'll teach him how to really appreciate, really savor a nice spell. Well, uh, Arnie, uh, let me see. I'm going to, um, hmm, what, Trump, do you have any ideas? What should I do to Arne? Uh, why don't we ask that squirrel at the bar?

Wait a minute. Uh, pardon me. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Oh, shit, fuck. Oh, he saw us. He saw us. I'm coming over. Oh, hey, guys.

Hey, hey, whoa. Oh, what's up, guys? Fluff the squirrel. Fuck the squirrel. Whoa, boy. Sorry, it took me so long to get over here. There is a lot of blood on the floor. Oh, that's, yeah, that's my fault.

I apologize for that. No, no, thank you. I'll shant-te. Yeah. And it's kind of deep. You sort of look now like you're wearing blood pants. Yeah. I got, um, yep, I'm, I think people are really going to like my new style.

Ooh, fluff, blood pants. That has a nice ring to it. Very good, fluff, blood pants. That's pretty good. That'd be a good, uh, vampire name if you were a vampire squirrel. Who told you that? That's full, whoever told you that's full of shit. What? I really reacted to that heavily. Yeah, would anybody react if they, so you get accused of you a vampire or you're not

not abusing you. Okay. I just said it'd be a good name if you were. A vampire. Yeah, which I'm not. So a bad name. Okay, so bad name. But if you were,

mm-hmm. But Fluff, do you want to stop levitating two inches off the ground and sit down and be interviewed? Yep. Thank you. I was waiting to be introduced. I heard you guys across the bar. I was like, they must be doing a podcast. One of those guys got like a deez-is and marrow amount of nicknames for himself.

Yeah, stop, I've been just, uh, what's up, what's up, boys? Sorry, that's your, your body. That's good to see you. It's been a while. Been a while. I've been on the land. Oh, that's right. Last time we saw you, you escaped from a bunch of scorpion cops trying to take you to prison. Yep. And I've been riding around on a fluffy little sheep ever since. Oh, literally. Oh, literally on the lamb.

What did you think, Arnie? I assumed, I assumed literally immediately. On my world, on the lamb is just an expression, I guess, for hiding out from the police. I was doing that on top of a fluffy little sheep. Oh, double meaning. Double meaning. What was in it for the sheep? Well, we've developed quite a close bond. I do the sheep's taxes.

Oh. Oh, Arnie, speaking of, have you done your taxes since you've been here? No, I don't think so. Oh, the, the eras will be after you. Ancient demons that live underground, the eras come out once a year to collect money from everyone in foon. The dead and the living. Yeah, I'm not supposed to say dead, though. Yeah, that's kind of...

Right, see? Forgive me, Fluff. I was saying dead so that Arnie could have, but I told him that you shouldn't say... You know what I say. What's that? Mostly bones. Yeah. But I feel like you say that about the living, too.

Like, you're very bone-centered. Yeah, well, I like the... sweet, sweet bones. Arnie, there's one certainty in life. Taxes. Don't say anything. There's not another. No, it's not another thing. Mostly bones. I like that.

Yeah, it's pretty nice. Yeah. So the sheep was okay with their taxes being done by like a escaped criminal. Watch it. That's not how I like to be identified. Oh, I'm sorry, fluff. How do you like to be? Also, not convicted. Do you think I'm just going to consider? consider myself an escape criminal because a bunch of extrajudicial scorpions decide I'm a criminal?

No way. Yeah, I think they have to prove your guilt. You shouldn't have to prove your innocence. Mm-hmm. That's right. I've been through the justice system in Foon, and it is rigorous and it's grueling. I mean, you're definitely guilty, but they don't know that. Yeah.

And legally, you can't say that. I did the stuff. You're definitely allegedly guilty. Now we're talking. Because I did all the stuff, but guilty means the court knows that. Oh, I see. Maybe I'm getting old, but there's a lot of things I just can't say anymore, and that makes me angry for some reason.

Oh, Arnie old is a little out of step. Oh, I can't refer to myself as old? I think almost mostly bones is the proper term. Almost mostly bones is right. Or a mobo for shorts. Amobo? Yeah, mobo is probably the best thing that you do it. They'd be like, ooh, look at the amobo over there.

And it sounds rude, but that is technically polite. When people say a mobo, I thought they were talking about, like, shirts that you get in the mail. Hmm. Huh. But who knows why I would think that. Whoa, shit. Is it or Arnie. Did you see that?

What? Fluff just took out of blood nut and sucked it dry. Whoa. I think he is a vampire. Are you sure? Is it a blood nut? I look like a blood nut. How do you know a blood nut by size?

You guys doing like an ASMR thing over there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's part of our Patreon. It's one of our site bonus episodes. Well, I'm not a freak, so I won't listen. Keep on, keeping on.

Thank you. Do you mind plugging your ears and giving some content? Yeah, I prefer it. Okay. Whenever you're ready, just to say. Oh, do you want me to do some of your freak whispers. Oh, yeah. Well, that's, I guess that's the time.

technical term, the proper term. Uh, yeah, just, uh, one or two sentences. Sure. Uh, my name's fluff and I'm here to whisper. I love all the stuff. There goes in my veggie crisper. How's that? How's that?

Perfect. Incredible. You made it rhyme. You think I'm making, now, what I go for when I'm doing that is like a 50-50, sleepy, horny ratio in anybody that's listening. Oh, sure. Yeah, I think that would give, uh, someone an erection as they, not at all. That's the goal.

That's the dream. Yeah, absolutely. It's like, no, I'm not even, I'm not even going to complete my thought about that. I have a lot of thoughts. Say it, say it, say, say you're out of, out of date terminology. Yeah, give me, give us your immobo wisdom. I mean, it's just good to kind of have a boner, but also no, it's like you're like, I'm too asleep to do anything about it, right?

Just kind of, like, that's kind of the perfect timing. Yeah. Catch some zes, catch some bees. Bees for boner. Bees for boner, catch some bees. Count sheep and also, you know, yeah. Now, fluff, for no reason whatsoever. Do you have a blood nut?

What about blood nut? Do you have a blood nut? Oh, yeah, we need a blood nut for a spell. That's right. I have a blood nut. First, I'm hearing of it. Huh. Yeah, it's just if I had a blood nut, I could fucking suck that blood nut

and get all the blood out of it, right? That sounds gross. That's not something that I would be into at all. You get to doing all sorts of perversions. So if you had a blood nut, you would not want to suck it dry. O.J. Simpson did it. Here's how we would solve it. What are you talking about?

All right. I'm just asking the questions that everyone else is afraid to ask. That's true. And that's what a podcast is for. Already, have we told you about O.J. Simpson? Yeah. I don't know all the details, but he's accomplice of Gene the Hackman. Yes, exactly.

His name is OJ. He simped for T. Hackman's son, so he was a simp for his son, rode around on a beautiful kind of cream-colored horse. That's him. Yep, that's the guy I was talking about. Oh, also rushed for, I would I say, 3,400 yards? Oh, yeah, he was so fast. I am the best in the game.

It was wild because he was so fast just running, and then he got on that horse even faster. He should put the horse on the football field. Is that allowed? I've never seen anything like it It is if they don't catch you That's true That's kind of my whole deal lately Sure

And it was sort of incredible To watch him run Get on the horse Continue to run And him running While he was seated on the horse Made the horse fast Yes

The horse was inspired It's like man If the boss guy is going this hard I can't slack off Sure Arnie you might have thought that horses are just faster than people He actually made the horse

horse faster. Wow. He was also in the Naked Swords plays. If you ever see those plays around town. I've heard they're great. I feel like there's only one thing people don't like about the Naked Swords plays. What's that? The inclusion of O.J. Simpson. No, people love that guy around here. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, he's so fast. So fast. Probably one of the fastest guys ever seen. So going back a little bit, I don't even know what a blood nut is. Sounds painful. Yeah, it sounds real gross. It's sort of like an acorn, but it's filled with blood.

It's delicious blood. What? I said liquid blood. Oh, sorry. Just clarifying this, not frozen blood or somehow gaseous blood. So if you somehow subsisted on blood. What are the better boxers in food? That's right.

Well, he converted to Islam and changed his name, but... Oh, sure, sure. So you are kind of... Uh, mostly bones naming him. Oh, sure. All right. Now, if you say subsisted on blood for some reason, and you came across a blood nut, you didn't want to, like... Now, you're speaking in the second person.

Well, you. Right. Right. Well, I'm explaining to Arnie. Sure. Oh, okay. Because he doesn't know what a blood nut is. Yeah, that's right. That's right.

Arnie, if you subsisted on blood for some reason. You, Arnie. Which I don't. And if you didn't want to say, like, bite the neck of it. maiden. I don't, well. Or a handsome prince. Because I could get into that, but. You could collect blood nuts and just suck the blood out of the nuts instead.

So, you know, sometimes when creatures are forced become vampiric, they subsist on blood nuts. Yeah, I got to say, when we do chunt for Red October every year, we get a lot of donations of blood nuts. It's just, it's just sort of a more ethical way for people to hunt if they're vampires. Yeah, usually around the end of October, we do, we do chunt for a lot. at October, and there's lots of extra blood nuts around then. What do you think about that? Fluff? I mean, it sounds like you all are doing beautiful work for charity, trying to buy Chunt to Submarine, I'm assuming?

There are sandwiches usually. Well, generally what we're trying to do is to raise blood for needy vampires. Oh, okay. And just, like, curiously, how does a vampire... establish need. Are they just like, oh, shit? Excellent question.

Wait, wait, finish that thought? What would they say? Oh, shit. That was the whole thing. Oh, that's all the thing. Yeah, that's... I mean, a lot of them. And if they come up, you know,

it's sort of, oh, boy. You can kind of tell when a vampire's down on their luck. They tend to have less amulets. You know, if you see a vampire with zero amulets. Yeah.

You're like, probably need some free blood. Good thing. You know, that's not what I'm dealing with, because I've got one amulet. Oh, that's a nice amulet. Beautiful amulet. It's really nice, yeah. Do you ever capture souls in that? It does that have any magical properties?

It does look like there's something inside that amulet right now. That's a picture of my mother. Oh. She's sort of pounding on the inside of the ambulance. She's trying to get out, seemingly. She hates it in there. She doesn't like it one bit Sure

Huh Well why don't we take a break And when we come back We'll Maybe learn more about your relationship With your mother Okay Doctor

So fluff So fluff This is a safe space You know Hasn't been in the past Oh I guess that's true We did Now that I think about it

Last time we intentionally pulled you into a sting to get you arrested by the scorpion cops. And I'll tell you what, that made me feel unsafe. Yeah, fair. You know what? I'm going to say it instead, choose your words carefully when talking to us. I was going to say the opposite. This is the same space.

You can share whatever. There's no judgment here. But I guess that's really not true. Not at all. Yeah, yeah. Stay on guard. That's fluff style. Also, the ruffled feather is not a safe place.

It's a very rough bar. flowers running it now, so it's even tougher. You know, there's all sorts of ne'er-do-wells in here. And the floor is covered with just sweet blood. Sweet blood? Wet blood? Oh, wet blood. Not solid blood, not gaseous blood, not some kind of colloidal blood.

Can't spell sweet without wet? That's right. I'm going to enchant some mops to clean that up right now. Some kind of sexy ghost. What, you know a sexy ghost? They just sounded like a sexy ghost, and can't spell sweet without wet. I'm like, okay, I'm listening ghosts. Oh, because I've been seeing a ghost.

Whoa, that's, that's like a superpower. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yes, I think he's been seeing a ghost romantically. Whoa, most people that see a ghost, they got no Riz. Sure. They're just like, oh, there's a ghost. I am Yusadah, the great blue wizard, and I am 100% Riz.

You got that Wiz-Riz, man. I like to see it. She is Riz. Oh, my goddesses. You got to be a Rizard. You got to be Yusador the Rizard. Is that a better T-shirt, honey, than the, what was the other one? I'm waiting for his sexy ghost.

I think the sexy ghost one is better, but what was the... Yeah, I've already forgotten the new one. Nah, it doesn't matter. Now, I suppose I should enchant these mops so that they'll start cleaning up the blood. So let me just put on my... But, I mean, I'm going to switch hats to my pointy hat with the stars on it. Hmm. Here come to mops, and they're sort of carrying buckets of water, which makes no sense.

And from the song, I can tell there, but there's probably spaghetti and meatballs in there. Yeah, that's not going to help clean this up at all. Oh, yeah, there's spaghetti everywhere now. Oh, geez. Spaghetti mix in with the blood? Yeah, the blood and the pasta sauce all mixed together. Now who's going to know is what? Like an orgy of flavor.

I'm so sorry about that. It's all my fault. I apologize. I should have known it was a bucket spaghetti Wednesdays. One of the best Wednesdays. I mean, I hate to do an ad here for free. But if you ever want a bucket of spaghetti, just come to the ruffled feather on a Wednesday

and we'll bucket you up with all the pasta and meatballs that you could handle. There might be some blood in it. But hey, how often have you had pasta without blood in it? Think about that. That's right, health inspectors. Oh, shit, Eustler, that reminds me. We've had some sponsorship stuff that we have been neglecting. What?

Because all year we were supposed to be sponsored by Mouse shit and Ratcom. Oh, that's right. Oh, that's right. The law firm? No, actually, it's a separate entity. You're thinking of Mouse shit and Ratcombe Esquires. This is literal just Mouse shit and Ratcom. Oh.

Who pays for that? We all do. Yeah. Yeah, sounds like it. We're paying for it right now. Fluff, you've been in trouble with the law on and off a lot. Mostly on. Have you dealt with Matt Schitt and Rouse?

Have you, I can't. Jonathan Moushits and Matthew Ratcom. Yeah. And daughters. Oh, and daughters. Their sons are, they have got to. nothing going on. Those daughters don't went to law school. And they're married

to each other. Bet you didn't see that coming. Wait, hold on. The daughters? No, no, no. Mouse shit, Jonathan Moushit, and Matthew Ratcom. They're partners and their partners. They're together. That's wonderful. They're legal partners. They're romantic partners. They had two daughters together and they are also now lawyers in the firm. That's correct. And their sons, I don't know what they're doing.

one of them says he's going to learn how to play bass. Oh. Yeah. No, boo. He didn't even have a base. Does he have any friends to, like, jam with or anything? Or is it just him on alone playing the bass? He's got a friend with big speakers.

And then he's got, like, another guy that's not their friend, but he hangs out with him because they always have weeds to nibble on. Oh, probably his age, right? It's not like an older guy. It's not like an old scientist. Oh, boy. You are way off. He is the oldest scientist. I've ever seen.

He looks like he doesn't even know what sciences exist now. Wow. Yeah. Sure. But he's probably well camped, right? Probably got everything together, hair matted down real nice. He looks like you couldn't get a lawnmower through his pubes. Oh.

Huh. You know what? That might be my t-shirt, actually. I got to start wearing shirts. They get so much cool stuff on him. Well, why would you wear a shirt? to cover up that beautiful amulet. That's it.

And my mom wouldn't be able to see what's going on. That's true. Hi, Fluff's mom. Can she hear us? Oh, yeah. You can't hear her, though. Oh. That's her curse.

What made you want to put her in an amulet? What's your mom like? Well, she's getting up there. That ambulance is weirdly crawling up your neck. Yep, that's right. I give it spider legs. Oh, yes. It looks like it's trying to strangle you.

Oh yeah She controls the spider legs That's just sporting Fluff, I don't want to be The Grime of Police But I don't believe she's getting older I believe she's getting closer to bones Clobo

Yeah And so, you know She's always doing weird stuff If I don't keep an eye on her So I keep her in this amulet And just let's It hurt me More than it hurt her

Because I sprained my wrist Jamming her into that thing Oh so you had to like physically like shove her into the amulet. Yeah, well, the wizards were all out adventuring. Wait, hold on. I assume this was a magical amulet

that somehow her essence was in. Is this just an amulet? Yeah, just a little glass box. It's more of a cameo than an amulet. The R&B singer. Word up, man. Word up. And actually, can we

you know, we make a little bit of money from all the sponsorships of spaghetti and buckets and uh ratcom shit could we get a cameo from your mom oh yeah totally guys what do we want what do we want fluff's mom to say what you wanted to say you gotta give her pretty specific so she freelances and she you don't want to hear how close to bone she is if you leave her up to her own devices yeah yeah if she's that clobo we gotta we got to tell her

exactly what to do yeah um i thought we should do a cameo but like to me it's like funny to get one from her but i don't want her to think that it's funny like i don't want her to feel bad about it right so Or do we... Can we tell her just to wish Annie a happy birthday and that Arnie's a big fan? Yes, yeah. I think that's good.

A big fan of my mom? Yes. Yeah. Happy birthday. You're a big fan of me? No, no, no, no, no. No. Here's the exact message we want.

We want you a mom to say, Ani, thanks so much for being a big fan of all the things I've done is Fluff's mom. Happy birthday, big guy. She is going to be tickled and confused. Okay, I'm going to whisper. Don't get too horny or sleepy. I'm going to tell her what you said.

No promises. None taken. Okay, mommy. You got to say, happy birthday to Ardy. I'm telling him that you, he's a big fan of you, and you like that. Okay. She gets it. Oh, she's doing the cameo, but...

Oh, shit. Fuck, I forgot that we can't hear... We can't hear her. That's her curse? Shit. We just wasted ten gold. Well, I don't think it was a waste. I'm gonna spend it all on blood nuts.

What? Wait, what? I said, I'm gonna spend it all on putt-put playing miniature golf. Oh, yes. That's so fun. It's so fun. So fun. We were at a water park not too long ago,

and they had a miniature golf course there, and we had a great day. Why wasn't that an episode? I love a water park because it's like the ocean, but less scary. So I worship it, but I don't fear it. It's just like a cool friend that's powerful. That's right. If I remember correctly, Fluff, most squirrels, one of the gods you worship is the ocean.

Yep. And then some of us worship water parks as well. Oh, I see. It's kind of like a smaller, a subsidiary. A subsidiary. That's what they say in religions, right? Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a subsidiary. Or sect.

It's like, and daughters. Right. It's like God, goddess, and daughteresses. Oh. Fluff, have you always had a widow's peak? Only since my wife died. Oh, my goddess is I am so sorry. That's the tradition.

I'm always looking around like, is that her? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Your wife did what? She bones. Okay. She bones. Congratulations.

Can that be my shirt? She bones. She bones. She bones. Oh, baby. All right. Trent's shirt is now she bones. Woo.

You, sir, you seem curious. I hate to pry. And we probably should take a quick break. But right after that, I'm sorry. I just, I have to ask about Well, it's just what you've been up to. Oh, I've got stories. Me and that baby sheep, we've got tales to tell.

And tales to wag. Baby sheep, ew. It was a baby sheep? That's what a lamb is. I guess that's true. Your Parmesan's. but I just can't help but notice well, how tall the collar on your cape is?

Normal collar, get a new slant. Oh, oh, I see, yes. Oh, I guess that is my own prejudice and my own... I just, I don't know what people are always... People always going around and leaving their necks all exposed. Not I? Not anymore. Not after what happened.

What? Guys, let's pull the reins on talking to fluff blood pants like this. He's just got a new ambulance. it, real stiff collar, high-collar cape. Widows Peak. Dead wife. She bones. She bones.

Baby, she bones. I'll tell you what. Mostly bones? Completely bones. Fluff, I have to say, last time we met you about a year ago, I don't believe you had a wife at that time. Now I also don't. Oh, yeah. Many things change in between and back.

Back to Square Wife. Sure. Back to Square Wife. Congratulations, and we're so sorry. Thank you. It was a whirlwind marriage. And I just want to apologize. I say all that about the amulet and the cape and the Widows Big, etc.

That's okay. Because we earlier... Yes, you look fantastic. But earlier we weren't doing ASMR. We were... We thought you were a vampire. I'm sorry. Wow.

First of all, we don't say a vampire. Oh. Oh. We? We're the collective weird. It's like, uh, goche. Okay. What would we say instead?

Guys like fluff. Guys like fluff. Yeah. That's fair. Guys like me who suck blood. Eat blood nuts. Love blood. See blood everywhere.

Sure. Carry their mom around in an amulet because she tried to get him to stop sucking all that blood. Oh, your mom tried. to stop you? Oh, yeah, but she could not. She's in the amulet. She tried to put me in that sucker, and I was like, no.

I thought it was because she was clobo. Oh, I mean, that too. Okay. That's one of the reasons she tried to stop me. Yeah. Also probably why she couldn't stop you. That's right. And one of the reasons that she was so frail that I could put her in a little glass thing.

Oh. Yeah. Can I ask Fluff? Who turned you into a guy like Fluff? Who didn't? Well, oh boy, it was a rough time after I lost my beloved Fliff. Fliff and Fluff? Yeah.

And daughters. Oh. Fliff and daughters? Yeah, yeah. They're fine. They're lawyers now. Oh, okay, good. They grow up so fast.

Thank you. And I'm sorry if I'm here. Am I right? I was, it got into a pretty wild scene. I would let anything bite me. horses, vampires, vampire horses. O.J. Simpson bit me one time. I don't think he turned me.

Sure. But man, he bit me fast. What happens when a vampire horse bites a person or a squirrel? It's kind of a 50-50. You can turn into a vampire or you can turn into a horse. It's whichever you're less like to begin with. And a squirrel is like a horse of the trees. So flip me to vampire from not vampire, which I wasn't at all before.

then. Oh, wow. Yeah. I never really thought about it, but squirrels are the horses of the trees. Thank you. I've always said that. I've been trying to get that started, so I'm glad you guys are on board. And I know we've been trying to solve this vampire thing, but I'm glad we figured out why Fluff has a giant horsecock. I'll tell you why I didn't get it from my mother. She looks furious right now. I don't know why that would make her mad. Why that's a weird thing for a mom to be upset about? She just misses my dad so Oh, I see. All right, that makes sense.

Well, lucky, is your dad all bones now? Haven't seen him. I hope that's son of a bitch's bones. Oh. Oh, man. Yeah. I haven't seen him in a while. We went out for a game of hide and seek when I was very young, and he could be anywhere.

Sure. Oh. Although he might still be hiding. That's what I'm saying. Are you still seeking? I just gave up on that a long time ago. Wow. Yeah.

It's a real tale of tragedy. So, Fluffy, you just let things bite you. Just to feel. Just to feel. And I'll tell you what, it felt bad. I bet. Teeth in my flesh and fur? No thanks.

Well, I hate to be the one to bring this up. You don't gotta. No, no, no, no. Nobody's got to walk to your head. I often am tass. with striking down monsters, dragons, eye demons, other things that are setting, besieging a town or a village. Misguided mummies.

Misguided mummies, big one, that comes up a lot more than you think. They have a terrible sense of direction. Eyes covered up with all those papers. Yeah, they don't know where they're going. Fluff, you might think that I would seek to slay you as a vampire. But I'm not. It's crossed my mind. I'm not.

I'm not interested in doing that What I am interested in doing As a friend of this show There's another very popular podcast in food Now more popular than ours Called Podpires It's an all-vampire podcast Do you think you could introduce us to those guys?

You think all vampires know each other? Or excuse me, all guys like fluff? No, no, no, no. Sorry, sorry. Yikes. No, no, no, no, we just, we just, it's just it's such a good podcast and we would love to connect with them

and sort of like, you know, just like share info maybe get, do a swap or something. I'm just slapping your hat. I know those guys. Of course. You guys, they're my favorite podcast, but you guys are my best friends that host a podcast. Which is a distinction that everyone

who has podcast friends knows. Oh, sure. Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Isn't it sad how it's never the same podcast? Never the same guys. Never, ever. Yeah, I can introduce you. Do you guys want to, do you, I, so they don't love when I suggest guests ideas to them.

Okay. Yeah, because they keep suggesting OJ Simpson's horse. Okay. Not a vampire. No, a vampire. Would you be open to becoming vampires? That would get you bump you way up the list. I'm going to be totally honest with you.

I was a vampire for a while. Whoa. Yeah, I feel like maybe I was two. It's bomb. Entering the villa That's just canon Is the canon which shot the bombshell? That's right

Arnie, have you Have you ever been? I don't think I have. I mean, back on Earth, I dressed as a vampire once. I dressed as a very old vampire That was curious to him. Wow. Whoa.

Is that bad? Close to bones. Oh, sorry. Well, wait, but is it bad for me to just dress up as someone, a guy like fluff for a holiday? My weird haircut and peaked collar and amulet

is not your costume. Oh, shit, shit. I gotta get rid of those pictures. Some of those might be on the internet. My costume is not your costume. Wouldn't fit? Yeah, that's true. It really wouldn't.

Arnie, it seems like out of all of us, you're the only one who hasn't actually been a vampire. Sorry, sorry, hasn't been a guy like fluff. A guy like fluff. A friend of fluff. A friend of fluff. Fluffer, Fluffer, blooder.

I guess, I'm just, I'm a little scared. I don't like being bit. Okay, how about this? You eat a little bit of that spaghetti and meatballs and blood. We call it a deal. I'll introduce you to the, the vampire podcast. Okay. Arnie.

Oh. Stuff because I, guys, I actually don't like podpires. What? But cynically, I do want to be on podpires to kind of get more attention to our podcast. Wouldn't be the first time. that happened. What don't you like about Poplars? You would betray the secret brotherhood and sacred fraternity

of podcasts in that way? I guess so. Wait, is there a rule? Look, if you have to like a podcast a lot to be on the podcast, we have a lot less episodes. You must be pure of pod. Pure of pod? They can tell. Yeah. Yeah, Arnie,

there's been, since podcasts have become popular since you know, you fell into our world and started them. We have to assume you originated them, um, there's been a decree that if you guessed on a podcast, you have to listen to the entire back catalog. Well, all of it? That's what entire means.

They've had a lot of episodes and they've gone through a lot of hosts. Yeah. In a very short amount of time. Well, that's because they've been eating the spaghetti and meatball and blood on Wednesdays, and there was a lot of garlic in there. Oh, yeah, that'll do it. That'll get you. Every time.

Not me, though. Why not you? I'm a Dalian. It's an immunity. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Yeah, I guess Slickback fur, amulet. I guess that's Italian.

But, uh, no offense. Some taken. Well, Fluff, I really appreciate you being vulnerable and sharing us the struggles you've gone through, you know, your tragedies and you're letting yourself being bit. and the fact that you are a vampire now and it makes me feel really bad to let you know that this is also a sting. I'm so sorry, yeah.

Fuck me and the sheep I rode in on her. I guess so. These are different scorpions. These are scorpions from the Vatican. They're here, they hate vampires. And here, I've been wearing this necklace the whole time. It has the letter D on it for Donna, the big squirrel. Oh, okay.

That's very intimidating, but for a second I thought it was my dad. And I was like, both my parents and necklaces, what are the odds? No, I assume that you're scared of the big, of the D. The Big D, yeah, Donna, Detroit, all of them. Yeah, yeah. So I'm holding this up to you, say. Like a cross. Yeah, regular vampires use a cross, but I assume squirrels, you've got to use the D.

Yeah, it could be Donna, it could be the moon, it can be the ocean, it could be the sun, all the things you worship. A big water slide, that'd do it. Oh, big water slide? Yeah. Okay. Big, big water side. Oh, that's rough for a squirrel vampire that they, um, the sun and the moon both affect them. That's right.

It's and the ocean. Like, it's in nature. Most things, frankly. I'm susceptible to things. My greatest weaknesses are stuff. So you're sort of an inside squirrel. Oh, I'm an indoor. I'm an indoor guy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. And I hold this D to keep you at bay. I thought you forgot to do that. Okay. Take him away, Scorpions.

Wait. What am I being accused of? Of being a vampire. These are not police scorpions. These are scorpions from the Vatican. Oh, they're Popians. They're Popians. General vampiric crimes, you know, of course.

Oh, yeah, GVCs. Yeah. All right. Well, look, can't I just speak in my defense? Please. Thank you. Oh, look, the scorpions are taking off their hats. Those tall hats.

If it please, the bar and the scorpion. I was in a dark place, basement, getting bit by a lot of creatures. Who could know what was going to happen? Just letting whoever bite me, I turned into a vampire. I haven't been slaughtering. I've been eating blood nuts. So many blood nuts. I'm basically a vegan pyre.

And even if I were to indulge in sweet, sweet blood of the first, flash. I would... Camillotsmash. Mom, get him. I'm running away. Come on, lamb, let's go. Oh, shit. Oh, oh. This time's trying to hug us. Get out of here. She knows you're a big fan. Let it happen. She's trying to let us eat. Make us eat. That was ironic. Don't hug on me.

We're not too skinny. We're not too skinny. Get in the Italian squirrel, mom. She keeps saying manja, manja? That squirrel for eat. Well, he got away again. Damn it. That's right I did. Oh, it's right there.

Oh, no, he's up there. Oh, shit. We'll never catch him. Well, you know what? Why don't we take a quick minute to read an email from a listener? And if he's still in the rafter somewhere, feel free to yell any responses. Am I far away? Whoa, shit.

Or am I doing AMSMR very close. Arnie, he's in your hair. Oh, I hate that. I'm always finding Robins in my hair. in your hair. Arnie, Arnie. Oh, no. I'm just in your, reading the email.

I'm just flapping your cape. Oh, gosh, I thought he was going to escape, but he had to make it linger. All right. You can email us at Magic Tavern at Puppies.Supplies. It's real email address. Also, you can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and message us there. Here's one. It's a little bit on the longer side, but I'll try to read through it quickly.

Dear Arnie, Chunt, and Usador, the Blue. I stumbled upon your podcast during the most difficult transition of my life. My ex abruptly left me and my 12-year-old daughter in the middle of the lease and turned our lives upside down without warning. I was overwhelmed, trying to figure out how to navigate the heartbreak and the sudden responsibilities of being a single parent. To say things felt bleak would be an understatement. Then, by some stroke of luck, or maybe magic, I discovered your podcast.

The bizarre and hilarious world of food became a sanctuary in the chaos of my life. Your humor got me through sleepless nights, and your stories reminded me to laugh, even when life felt impossible. I can't thank you enough for that. Now, that being said, I do have a request. Could Usador perhaps cast a spell, or dare I say, mild curse upon my ex? Nothing too serious, maybe just the unshakable sensation of wet socks, something appropriately annoying yet carmically just. Thank you again for being amazing and helping you through this hard time, Morgan. Hmm.

Ooh, yeah. Well, Morgan, uh, I would say wet socks is a pretty dastardly spell, difficult to cast from across dimensions, but... Come on, make him piss his socks. Oh, that's even... Oh, shut. I like that. That's what they meant, right? Things can be wet from a lot of things. That's very true.

It feels very disrespectful to respond to the tone of... that email in this voice which I would describe as borderline Cartman Morgan's X you shall ne'er hear this but no wait hold on

let's not assume that Morgan's X doesn't listen to the podcast maybe Morgan's X is a big fan like my mom oh man could be a patron subscriber too Morgan's X you may hear this spell but you shall forget that it applies

to thee. Here now, a little dribble of urine doth dribble down thine leg into thy socks, until thy shoes be filled with urine. And these urine shoes shall ensure that thy feet be ever damp.

Eropteroth, charot, Katala! Yes, sweet revenge, and you can't spell sweet without wet. It's true. You wet his socks, I'm sure. It's done, Morgan. Thine boon is granted.

Well, Fluff, it's been great to see you again. It looks like these scorpions are slowly, very slowly putting their hats back on. How to respect, I'm sure. Sure. Fluff, even though we are part of this sting operation, I think if you wait and Arnie's hair long enough, they're just going to leave. Yeah, they won't know. It's like my dad. Right.

You just keep hiding. Yeah, you could just. Um, you seem to be pretty good at throwing your voice. If you just want to scream, like, screw you guys, I'm going home. I think don't fall for it. I'm going to, excuse me, I'm going home. That's a fool, Carmen. I was going to say thank you for having me, but I was already here when you got here,

and you tried to send me to jail again. So, yeah, I'm sorry about that. I got to say, not a pleasure. And my mom escaped. Oh, so sorry about that. I'm going to have to put out a silver alert. Would you, after all this, still mind putting in a good word with podfires? No doubt.

No doubt. Podcaster's code. Toy. Okay. Well, hopefully next time we see you, we catch you. And hopefully next time, not if I see you get you first. Not if I see you get you first. Now that's a t-shirt.

It's not. It's not a t-shirt. Only so many t-shirts can exist at one time in this version of the universe. And we are getting damn close to the limit. Usadol the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chontha-talking Badger was played by Adul Rify. Fluff, the Squirrel, was played by special guest Josh Gondelman. Josh's new stand-up special, positive reinforcement, is out of, on YouTube now. If you'd like a t-shirt, with Usador saying save it for a sexy ghost, just in

time for the Halloween season, or a shirt with chunt saying she bones, just in time for national regret what you're wearing day, check out our dashery store. Link in the show notes. Hello from the Magic Cavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young, and Adul Raffey. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman, this episode edited by Sage G.C. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBann. Magic Tavern theme by Andy

Poland.