Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 74 - Monster Under the Bed (w/ Lauren Lapkus)

Episode Date: October 6, 2025

Arnie has a monster living under his bed named Grumby that wants to crawl into his mouth.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungGrumby: Lauren LapkusMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.ca slash Wondery. That's audible.ca slash Wondery. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Now, this may come as a disappointment, but you're not done. You've navigated to this page or you've successfully downloaded a file. But now you have to listen to the thing. I know, I know. But the good news is you can completely tune out. Or do a bunch of other stuff at the same time. Think of it like listening to a family member. Or a person at your front door talking about how we have evil alien ghosts living inside us. Oh, that's not where evil alien ghosts live. They live in an abandoned Dave and Busters outside Madison, Wisconsin.

I wonder if they're doing their big Halloween party this year. Ugh, I am staying away from the karaoke machine this time. Unless they have the come-from-away soundtrack, I wouldn't be able to resist. What were we talking about? Oh yes, sit back and enjoy the show. from the magical land of foon. I'm your host, Arnie Kemp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Ten and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional Rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern,

the ruffled feather, in McShingleshain Forest, on the outskirts of Hogs' face in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. Maia, baby? Maya?

Huh? Maya? Well, I think I said all yeah. What did I say? I'm pretty sure you said Maya. Okay. Are you thinking about your mom? I think I'm always, that's my secret, Arneas.

I'm always thinking about my mom. They're always thinking about your mom. Yeah. Even though, and oh boy, I don't even want to go here. Like, you're thinking about your mom. You say nasty shit sometimes. You're always thinking about your mom? No, no.

I mean, I think it's just like backburner. So you know how some. some of the what we call stoves in the foon, the woodburning stoves. You know how the fire can like lick underneath one spot and then also lick under another spot?

No, but I understand the metaphor enough. Okay, so there's front burners and there's back burners. You can have something on the back burner and something on the front burner and never the twain shall they touch. I see. So you're always thinking about your mom in a way subconsciously that you'll never fully understand. I think so. Yeah, that makes sense. Wow,

thank you, doctor. You can also just have two ideas at the same time. Huh? Like, you can be hungry while you also want to defeat all the evil in the world. Whoa. It's true. Arnie, it's true. Think about it.

Close your eyes and think about it. I'm having a hard time thinking about those two things at the same time. Okay. Are you tired? You look very tired. You look so tired. Oh, and I'm going to talk about why I'm tired. But before I do that, before I forget, I also do want to introduce my other co-host.

He can think about two things at the same time. Use it or the Wizard. I am Usador, wizard of the twelfth realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical lights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trakis, the elves, nobius Fianak, the dwarves, nobius Zonan and Hook Stangis, and I'm known throughout the northeast as Gasuinius Maystar. Did he say Gasmuenius Ma Star? Well, he, I don't think so.

Well, I've been thinking about my Ma Star. Yeah. Your, Master? Before I was born into this world by a contingency of birds and rain and wind in fire that insisted there be a champion. I was an otherworldly being living in amongst the stars and the heavens and the

goddesses. They did grant me a Ma Star who oversaw me in my youngest days before I was ever even called Usador. Wow. Did you ever play basketball with your Mastar? I had to play, I was forced to play a basketball against my Ma Star. Oh, no.

But I came out to end in the end it all worked out. We found a ringer. I feel like at the time that felt delightful. But in retrospect, you're like, I don't know, that's kind of shit. What's going on here? Why? Guys, I'm so tired. I was going to say before, you look terrible. More than usual. I'm usually tired. Ernie and Foon, if someone looks bad, you say, you look so tired. Unprompted. Sure. And it's kind of a fun thing people do. I guess so. Yeah. But I am legitimately tired because I haven't been sleeping. I mean, in addition to what I could tell because you look terrible.

You look so bad. Thank you. Well, in a little. In addition to what I can only imagine is undiagnosed sleep apnea that you don't really have anything for that in this world. But even in addition to that, I think I'm getting kind of a scared at bedtime, and I don't know why. You're getting kind of a scared? I'm getting kind of a scared. Oh, Usador, our sweet little boy is so scared. Let's get, Arnie, you know what? You're Yusador and I.

We're going to go up to your room. We're going to open up the closet. We're going to look under the bed. We're going to go through all your books and show you that there's nothing to be scared of. Oh, thanks, Dad. Just what you need before going to bed, a good tucking. I don't know. I wouldn't say it that way, but okay.

Hey, guys, come on. Have you seen my room that I've been renting out on top of the ruffled feather? Oh, I haven't seen it. I don't think I have. We haven't had the pleasure. I haven't invited you over to my room for, like, a pizza party or anything? I don't think so. A pizza pot.

Okay, I got the table. Just, let me get. Oh, wait. You got to carry the table all the way up the stairs? Yeah, yeah, it's not a podcast. I'll help. I'll help. Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, pivot. Get the leg around. I was literally getting around. I was literally getting around, you can't. I don't think we're going to be able to get it through this door, though. That's the... Yeah, fuck it.

Just leave it out here. Yeah, yeah, let's leave it out here. If we feel we've become too disconnected from the premise of the show, we can run out in the hall and touch the table. You know, some people say touch grass. I say touch table. Touch table. Do you say it enough to worn a T-shirt or just... I mean, it's been a while since I've changed my t-shirt.

So I'm going to say... This sets the new lowest bar for t-shirt. I don't know. That we have reached. I've had a t-shirt that says big-ass-donger. I don't even remember exactly, but some... But-ass-donger. By the way, it's not a bragging point.

All right, Arnie, here we go. Touch table. New t-shirt in the merch shop. We'll talk about that later. Okay. So this is my room. It's a little dirty. I'm sorry.

I have never cleaned it. It's okay. Arnie, is this room tired? It looks terrible. It is a little. I think so. I think the whole room has a tired energy. Okay, so, Arnie, as you can see in the closet, there's two or three moaning imps, totally harmless.

They're more scared of you than you are of them. Okay. What else? What else was else? Okay. But here's the thing. Here, I'm going to lie down in my bed and I'm not doing this because I'm hoping to just sleep a little bit during this podcast. So, okay, I'm lying in the bed.

Whoa, Artic jumped in that bed. And it's the only time I can. get super active is when I'm just like leaping into bed. Okay, so let me get, I mean, see what's that? Did you hear that? There's a noise. I think that's just air escaping from the bed. Well, it might

be like a squeaky spring in the mattress. Maybe it's a spring, yeah. Yes. Have you checked all the springs? There's one way to tell. Yeah. You ask a question to the noise, and if the noise answers back, it's a creature. Oh, okay. Hello? I'm a spring.

See, Arnie, it's just a spring. Go on. I have to take issue with the fact that you ask it a question, and then you just said, hello. Well, I said, hello. So so far, you haven't actually asked that a question. You just greeted it. I said hello. Oh, you said, hello.

And how rude is it to not greet something that you're asking a question of? So we got the hello's out of the way. Okay. Are you a spring question mark? Well, yeah, I hate lying, so no. Oh. Not a spring. I'm going to lift up this, uh, this duster and look under here.

Hello. Hello. How are you? That is terrifying. I like your feet. I like your feet. Thank you. Thank you.

I appreciate that. Very dirty. Oh, yes. I've been, a friend, I don't know your name yet, but I've been trawling all or foon looking for ways to defeat evil. So of course, my feet are encrusted with the. dirt and the foul sikiness of of the land around us. But what are you doing under

Ani's bed? My name's Grombie. Grumby, hello. Nice to meet you, Gromby. I'm not under the bed monster, so let's just say I know everything. You're an Utbum. What? She's an Utbum under the bed monster. Have you been thinking about your bum? I'm an upum. I'm an upum. Oh, an upum.

As well, you pronounce it. See my shirt? Upum. And the back says touch table Oh shit taken I can do that one all right Yeah Oh he got poached Grumby

How How What you said you know everything What do what have you learned Well Whoa Use it or everybody Whatever

Whatever the thing That's been living under my bed knows We don't necessarily need to know No no That's the first thing We need to find out I know exactly what it takes

To make you fall asleep at night Oh shit A little bit of a Old magazine some elves on the cover Arnie I like elves they relax me Arty the elves

Arnie Arnie okay BTEs He often screams about his butt ass donger or whatever Yeah That's that's This all tracks

I scream about the low merch sales Of the butt ass big donger t-shirt Right before I go to sleep Oh I found the magazine It was under his pillow Yeah that's it that's it Honey on tits Yeah

Arnie They're elves with huge tits and you have to Or honey on them? Come on. I thought it was something else. When I bought it, I thought it was something else. You thought, okay, what could you possibly have thought it was?

Now, the cover, Artie, just because I'm really going to put your feet to the fire, the cover is a big, tidid elf, who I'm sure is very nice. She is. She's great. Oh, you know her. We've been around forever. I know everyone. She's holding two giant pitchers of honey and pouring them simultaneously onto her breasts.

Okay. Yeah. but the magazine only comes to life if you add your own honey. What? It comes to life? You didn't know that? I didn't know that. Geez, you've been wasting your time.

I've been wasting a lot of time. Yeah, well, anyway, you don't need a sleep apnea machine. I heard you talking about that, but I got you covered. Oh, that's sweet. I'd just climb in your mouth every night when you start snoring. Oh, that's very useful. I can get really small. Whoa.

Wow, impressive. Watch me roll. Lick my feet again. So much tongue. Keep your feet up if you don't want to blitz. You sort of propel yourself around with your tongue when you're small. Yeah, it's kind of a foot. Well, foot tongue.

A foot tongue. So, but when you roll around, you collect, it looks like you, I'm so sorry to say this, you collect so much dirt and shit in your fur. Mm-hmm. I love that. That makes me smell good. And then you climb in my mouth at night? Oh, right, yeah.

You snore with your mouth wide open. So I just climb in. there, I get really small, and then I just block the throat, so your nose has to do the work. Smart. Smart. What do you, uh, Grumby, what do you see in there? When you go in Arnie's mouth? Oh, well, I mean, first of all, he's not getting in between the teeth. Let's just say that much. Flossing could use a little work. Um, but you know, I've seen a lot in there. It's actually, once you go inside someone's mouth, you see their dreams. That's right. If they're asleep, if there's, yeah, we all do that. If it's sexual and you're just going inside someone's mouth, you don't see anything.

Right. But if they're asleep and you're going inside someone's mouth, obviously. I see. You see their dreams. You see their dreams. He misses Chicago. Oh, Arnie. Well, of course I dream about Chicago. And look, I don't want to go on and on about this.

I don't want to get super expositional. But canonically, we know when I'm asleep, I dream my life in Chicago as a way that I both have my life in food and my life in Chicago. At the same time, I don't talk about it because I like to have a separate personal life and a show life. But let's talk about it. Oh, shit. Yet. But you have been looking for the portal to return yourself back to Chicago recently. Well, yes.

The original portal. I've been looking for the original portal that is somewhere in Hogs' face because I feel like that's going to help us in our battle with the wizards. But again, I don't want to get too expositional in this episode. Well, wait. So you think that, like, you want to find the portal so it can help you with your battle, not so you can go home. Well, look, I technically, I am home. Look, I'm from another world. This is super complicated.

It's, well, not. This shithole. I'm not talking about you guys. Who I like and I love in that order. Nice. But there's a version of me on earth that is living my life, raising my child, and there's a version of me here in Foon, and when I sleep

here, I dream about my life on earth, and on earth when I sleep, I don't know, I dream probably about old cartoons I watched when I was a kid. Oh, Arnie, speaking of, you store, I've been testing out sending you through a wizard maid portal, and we sent sort of a fake Arnie

threw a portal to Chicago, and he's stuck in the bean? I don't know if that means anything to you. He's stuck in the bean. He's stuck in the bean. He's stuck in the bean. He's stuck in the bean. There's a man in the bean. We've got a man in the bean here.

Look up in the sky. Holy shit. You know the bean that illuminates your path? Oh, yes. I'm looking at the man in the bean. That's a great song here. I love that recently somebody set food to easy mode so that there's a bean that shows you your path of where you're supposed to go instead of...

Well, why don't you just follow that to get to your portal? Oh, that's a great idea. Grumby, I should have talked to you sooner. You seem to really know more about like what I should be doing with my life. Yeah, well, you've been ignoring me. But, Ani, you needed your friends here to help you. Everyone knows that alone

you should not speak to the monster under your bed. You must have stalwart companions by your side. If you guys leave the room, shit's going to go down. Oh, no. So, just letting you know. You may not have someone to sleep over. Now that I know you, first of all, I'm going to remember that.

Slumber party. Second of all, now that I know you're here, am I always at risk in my room if I'm by myself? You always have been. You just didn't know. Oh, shit. Well, why don't we, I'm going to go grab some extra pillows and a sleeping bag. Grumby, I'm going to be doing your nails. And let's take a quick break and we'll come back for a little slumber party.

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Visit HeroForge.com to start designing your customer. a minute, Joel, and dice today. And check back often. New content is added every week. So grumpy, look, enough about me and the weird shit I get up to at night. Oh, no, never enough, really. I feel like we should learn more about you. You're an under the bed monster?

Yeah, well, lately under the bed, yeah, I've been other things, you know. Oh, you've had other jobs before this. Yeah, well, yeah, I started as a tree monster. I just jump out of the tree and attack people that mostly kill them. That's a great entry-level job for a monster. Yeah, it's a good starting point. Yeah, you can just get up into a tree. Yeah, you don't need a resume or anything.

Yeah, you can fall down. But then you build your experience, and you can go forth and be like, I've jumped on, you know, 10, 12 people at this point. Yeah, once I jumped on about 10 or 12 people, people start really taking me seriously in the industry. Yeah, yeah. And so I was able to kind of, you know, transition into doing more like front stoop or kind of just jumping on people's legs when they walked out of their front you know the front of their house or their dwelling

and that was kind of fun for a while but I felt that you know I wanted to do something a little more supportive of the people that I was around and not so attacky. Oh, that's nice. Oh, real quick, Grumby, do you want periwinkle or salmon for your nails?

Salmon mail. Okay, and do you want me to get the shit out from underneath your fingernails? No, no, no, no, no. I've worked hard for that. Yeah, yeah. When I was born, I had very clean, you know, nails and everything.

And part of being what I am, you know, you kind of have to, like, build your worth through your nails. Oh, yeah. So I've collected a lot of shit. So this is like a patch of honor. It is. Yeah. Yeah.

It shows where I've been, what I've done. You know, kind of like a patch on your backpack. I've been wondering lately why my bedroom smelled so bad. And I'm glad to know that's not me. No, it's you farting. No, there, that too. You fart a lot. I do fart a lot.

When you're asleep. And sometimes you wake up from it and you go, ooh, said that. Oh, she should put a sleep apnea machine on your butthole. So don't give her any ideas. I can handle that. We'll get that covered. Don't you worry. I got friends.

So you graduate for being a tree monster. Yeah, moved to a stoop. I did stooping. I did stoop work. Oh, stoop work. Yeah, stoop work. And then I did a couple years as a musician. Let's not go there.

Yeah. Failed. Yeah. Was it like jazz or? Acoustic guitar. Sort of singer, songwriter. getting out your true inner feeling sort of things. Yeah. A lot of really

sappy shit. I mean, I don't want to put you on the spot, but we'd love to hear some of the lyrics. Sure. Yeah. I mean, sure. Nobody liked it, but yeah, I'll sing it. I got a dream. I got a dollar. I got a dream and I got a dollar. I got a

dollar. I got a dollar. I got a dollar. I got a dream and I got a dollar. Catchy lyrics. Yeah, you made the right choice. Catchy lyrics. I'll give you that. I'm going to have that stuck in my head. I've got a dream. I've got a dollar. I've got a dream. I've got a dollar. I mean, it's, it is catchy in its own way. I think you're kind of giving me confidence. Do you like having confidence or would you prefer to remain under the bed? No, it makes me feel terrible. Okay, okay. I hate having confidence. Well, in that case, we thought your song was awful. Thank you. You're welcome. Yeah, bottom 40 for sure. Good. Bottom 40 of all? Yeah, I don't know. Do you check the weekly bottom 40s? Yeah, I mean, do they just listen to every song ever and then,

the worst ones. Right. So you know which songs not to listen to. Yeah. It's an entertaining show. Not to be confused with this magazine I have,

bottom 40. You love that one. You love that one. Now that one's interesting. It's all gnomes. Because you know gnomes famously have great asses. Oh, perfect asses.

I mean, that's the stereotype. Not all gnomes have great asses. Okay, do you know one that doesn't? Yeah. Show me one gnome with a flat ass. I mean, I don't want to, to perpetuate the stereotype, but I can't think of a gnome with a badass. They got that

shelved up cake. I hate the people are always asking, are you an elf tit guy or a gnome-ass guy? I'm like, why can't I be both? Arnie, that's the shirt. We charge by the letter. Oh. I think that's a great shirt. I would wear that.

I'm concerned that it actually would be a great seller. I kind of think you do front, elf-tip guy, back gnome shelf guy. What was it? No mask. Nome shelf, no mass, no mass guy. Maybe you say no mask guy and then cake shelf, uh, in parentheses. Yeah, it'll make a lot of sense.

Oh, I love T-shirts with a parenthetical. If someone sees you from either direction, you have to be like, hold on, hear me out. Yeah. You think I'm just an elf tits guy? I got more going on than that. You got to look at the back. You must read the other side of this shirt before you judge me. I'm a little more complex than just the front of my shirt.

Okay, so I think it says elf tick guy, parenthesis. I'm a little more complex than just the front of my shirt. Nome-ass guy, parentheses, cake shelf. Sold. I love the simplicity. Yeah. That's what makes it work. Because you just see it and you instantly understand.

You get all the info. Yeah, I got it. Oh, wait a minute. What's this under the bed? There's a sort of a tiny grumpy-sized magazine. Don't, don't do it. Dirty floor dicks. No, come on.

Come on. Come on. But look at what they're from. They're not the kind of dicks you think. Okay. Let's see. Oh, it's a bunch of guys named Richard. Oh, okay.

And they're kind of being assholes. Okay. Yeah, they're floor dicks. Dirty floor dicks. They work on different floors of corporate office buildings and they're assholes. Oh, yeah. Okay. A lot of guys from Northeast, yeah, who are, you know, into trades, you know, that sort of, that sort of guy.

Yeah, but, you know, I like that because it kind of comes from actually, Arnie, It's from your world. I got that on a crazy web, you know. Wait, you've been using my phone at night to surf the internet? Yeah, but I've been using your connection to the Wi-Fi. I've been just tethering it to my device. And then I just look at, you know, the crazy web, which is where we can get shit from the other world.

Arnie, I was going to say, it seems like a lot of people in Foon recently have been talking about a movie on your planet called Boiler Room with Giovanni Rabisi. Apparently, I don't know if that was Grumby's doing, but I guess you've got to update your browser. I love that movie. I love that movie.

I love Giovanni Ribisi. I love everything he's ever done. I've seen every single thing, including any commercial he ever made as a child. Whoa. List them. Fruit loops. He did one for like coosh.

Oh, yeah. It kind of inspired by look actually. Chuck Usador, trust me, these things are more innocent than they sound. Yeah. And then he's on friends and the other sister and whatever. Yeah, a lot of good stuff. The other sister.

I think that's what it was called. The other sister. Whoa, how rude. Trust me. Let's not talk about the other sister. How rude to call somebody the other sister. Trust me. That sucks.

Let's not talk about the other sister. I mean, I have only seen his scenes. Just a super cat. Yeah, I see his scenes of everything he's ever done. So I don't really know the plot of boiler room. I don't know any plots or anything he's done. Just seen the scenes. So you took your tiny,

Crystal Ball that you keep with you there under the bed. And you connected it to Arnie's Wi-Fi, and then you found just purely Giovanni-Rabisi-based content. Yeah, it actually started because it was a complete typo. I just, you know how sometimes you're typing in it. You click every wrong letter. So I actually typed Giovanni-R-Bisi. I don't even know what I was looking for, but it just-

You fell on the keyboard to your crystal ball. And the words Giovanni-Rabisi was just there. You know what? I once passed out while on Arnie's laptop. And when I lifted myself off the laptop, it said Giovanni Rubisi. Okay, something's going on there. Is that a you thing? Okay, I have a hotkey set up.

One time it was that, and one time it said Marquis Grissom from the Montreal Expos. Does that make sense, Arne? That's specific. That one doesn't mean anything to me. Markis Grissom, okay. I once headbutted the keyboard and anger, and it said Uttahagen. Utahagen. Utahagen.

Or is that what you said when it hurt? Uta Hogan. Arnie, when are you going to go to sleep? Good question. Arnie, when are you going to go to sleep? I mean, you look tired. You look like shit. You look terrible.

If I go to sleep and you guys are here to watch over me, we can maybe learn more about what happens when I sleep? Yeah, well, that could be good. I mean, I'm happy to do my little thing for you. Okay. I don't know how I feel about this, but... Well, take off your clothes. He wears boxers.

I do. Were you going to say to his comfort? Here, Chut, let's pull up a chair while he takes off his clothes. Okay. To your comfort, Arnie, to your comfort. But I'll sit on the floor here. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't offer you a chair. Would you like a chair?

No, no, no, no. I like it on the floor. Okay, that's what I think. Yeah, you could tell. Like, amongst your beings, like, where is the floor in the hierarchy, right? Like, it's better than the trees. It's better than stoops. Is there another place that you aspire to?

to be? Well, my real dream, if I'm being completely honest, is to be underneath the mouse trap underneath the floor board. So if you have a mouse stuck under your floorboard in there, you put a mouse trap under there. I want to go under that, and I want to lie completely flat. And when the mouse trap

goes off, I want to feel it. Oh, Ernie's a sleeve. It's the strangest bedtime story. He passed out. He passed out while pulling his pants down. Look at him. See how he leaves his mouth open. Just get right in there. Oh, yes.

Oh, wait, wait, Grumpy, before you go all the way in, are you able to shrink us down so we can join you? Yeah. Oh, yeah, here. Rub this lamp. Okay. All right. There we go, and shrink up.

Whoa. Do you say shrinkums? Yeah. Gotta remember that spell. Whoa. Arnie's tongue goes all the way back. Now remember, this is a non-sexual thing, so we'll be able to see his dream. now.

Okay. Yeah, as long as you keep it that way. Hold on, Chunt. This is a non-sexual thing, right? Fine. All right. This reminds me of when I was in school, my teacher shrunk down our school cart,

and we all went inside a human body. But then, while we were inside of it, the magic spell wore off, and we exploded the guy. Wow. Yeah. Whoa, I don't believe you. Okay, fine.

I made it up. I want attention. Okay, we'll give it to you. Okay, come on, come, fine. Let's over here. You got to see this. Look down his throat. Oh, it's like a tar pit.

It's like bubbling down there. Yeah, this can't be good. Whoa. Yeah, does he ever complain about stomach gakes? All the time. Yeah, he's got to get this checked out. Because this could all be removed. We have a crew that can kind of come in here and clean this out.

Is this part of your contingency of fellow under the bed monsters who do excavations in particular types of gut work? We have some guys who do that, and then the people who actually do the crew, the crew people are actually They're little smaller than me, if you can imagine. Which you should be able to. I'm not that small. I mean, I'm small right now, but... Hold on, let me try. Can I imagine something smaller than grumpy?

Thank you, Sodor. Think. You can do it. Imagine something smaller. I believe in you. I've done it. What'd you come up with? A pebble.

That's fair. That's about the size of these guys. Okay. And they get down there with little brooms that are smaller than them. I don't know if you can picture that. Yeah. Okay, got it, got it. Okay, and little buckets.

And those are smaller than the brooms. And they go in there and they just start sweeping and digging and they just pull out everything. And they just kind of throw it up onto the tongue. And then usually if I'm in here, I'll push it out. But he wouldn't even know. He could be completely asleep. Yeah, we should, there's a lot of work to be done inside here. We should, I love this thing to go.

That should go. We should pull this out. New walls here, I'm thinking. Yes. I'd love a light fixture on these walls. Yeah. I'm just going to throw this out here. What if we made Arnie completely open concept?

Oh, my gosh, yes. Got rid of an edge thing in here. You like that now, but I think it's a trend. I think in a few years we're going to say we want the walls back, so that's going to be harder to do. So I don't know, just think about this. Think about if you like the separate space. You know, sometimes if you're on the phone in here, you don't want everyone hearing your conversation, you know.

That's true. How do you feel about conversation pits? I love that. 70 throwbacks. Yeah. So cool, right? Yeah. We could put one over here.

Yeah. Oh, wait. Oh, my god, it says, look, there's sort of like a ghostly inner Arnie. I don't know if this is, like, inner subconscious. Let's talk to him. I've never seen this guy. Hello, friend. Hey, buddy.

Hi, I'm, I'm Arnie Neacamp. I'm Arne Neacam's inner monologue. Do you recognize us? Yeah, you're Yucidore, the wizard, you're chunt the badger, and you're, huh, you're grumpy, the monster that lives under my bed? Yeah. Yeah, I'm like Arney, but I. They say only the things Arnie doesn't say out loud, so I don't say very much. Can we hear an inner monologue, maybe one comedic, one dramatic?

Okay, sure. Which would you like me to start with? Dramatic. Okay. Huh. I shrunk myself down and inserted myself into Martin Short. Now I'm... It's got to be a better way to phrase that.

I want to assure this is I inserted myself into Partier. Dramatic monologues. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll let you reset. We'll let you reset. No, no, you've ruined it.

I'm sorry. I'm out of the headspace for doing monologues. Oh, wow. That was fun. Well, welcome to my head. Wait, do you think you'd share things that are private? Like, if we asked a question? Yeah, do you have a filter or no?

I mean, I don't have a filter. Here's the thing. Arnie will later edit this episode. Well, who am I kidding? This episode won't be edited. But in theory, things could be edited out if they become too personal. Here's my question. I'll start us off, because I'm going to ask what the listeners have been thinking all these years.

I hope his first question is, hello. Of course, that's the standard way to greet someone before I was going to ask. Yeah, it's a little rude. He didn't say it. That is rude. Hello. Hello. Very nice.

Are you and Chunt ever really going to hook up? This is what the listeners want to know. In the future? I said air. Do you not know what air means? E-apostrophe E-R. Simple word. It seems like it might be two words together, but it's not.

No, it's just taking a V out of one word. Arnie, you're my air bud. And there's nothing in the rules that say we can't hook up. I'm going to say ne'er again. Wait, you guys did? What? Does that what that mean? I think so, yeah.

What happened? Chunt, spill. Wait, did we hook up? Whoa, do you guys hook up with so many people you can't? can't remember. No, I thought I dreamed it. Maybe Arnie and I did hook up. I feel like we did once kiss. Chun, hello. Do you have a filter? Uh, poor. Every once in a while. Should we go inside of Chun's mouth? Yeah. Can we shrink down smaller than this? Arnie, we're going to bring your inner self. You got to hold a whole, rub this lamp. Okay. I'm in corporeal. Can I still rub it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, thank God. Make sure you

You go, Shrinkums. Trinkums! Okay, now go this way. Oh. All right. I'm not in sleep, though. Oh, my God. Yeah, and you're the tiny version of yourself.

So this is kind of, we're like within Arnie's body within your body. It smells like badger come in here. Yeah, it smells nasty. I love it. Trent, can you fall asleep real quick, or should I put you to sleep? I mean, like, not like put you down. Thank you. Uh, I'll go back.

You got a back, okay. Oh, wait. Were we not supposed to go in here before he fell asleep? No, we should have waited, but that's all right. We're impatient. Okay, have some dreams, baby. Oh, there is. There's a little, uh, incompoil version of chump. Income.

Income. No, no, no. He still doesn't. Oh, no. Is it a monologue? It's all wordplay. Chunt, it's us. Hey, chunt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you, are you, are you, are you, you within your? you. Me within me. Oh. Are you asleep, too? Yeah. Hello.

So his inner monologue goes to sleep when he's asleep? I guess it makes sense. Ani, maybe that's why you're not getting enough rest. Maybe the inner you also needs to rest. Oh. Yeah, you're supposed to go to sleep, I guess. Oh, that's weird. Well, let's see what Yus Sador is doing, because maybe he's got someone else going on.

Chunt, we're leaving you. I had the strangest dream. So we're getting in my mouth now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, Chuck. Get in there. All right, I'm going to put my shock to sleep. Shrink him!

Whoa. It's like a starry night in here. Yeah, it's just sort of like a, almost a void. I guess it has, there's sort of like a cold cave floor, then there's just millions of little pinprick lights in here. This is beautiful. Yeah, I have to say, but it's really beautiful. Oh, there's like a tour.

There's like a message, like when you go on a tour, like would you have an audio tour for? museum or something. Oh, what's he saying? And let me do it at two times speed. Welcome, welcome to my inner Yusra. This is the best place to find all the secrets of the universe, the great wizard and all of tune.

Now you'll find it at half speed. Now you find all the questions you've ever had are being answered by the greatest wizard. Can you switch it to the blooper reel? Yeah, let's hear some of it takes. I fell down and I fought it. Yeah. Loser.

Yeah, let's rewind that. Let's rewind that. We'll see it again. I fell down and I fought it. Ah, so good. So good. Hey, I was on the recording. That's weird.

That's so weird. Yeah, maybe you've been in here before and you just didn't know it. Maybe he tripped over you. Maybe I have. Hmm, this is confusing. Well, yeah, I don't know if I've ever had someone trip over me and then I fell in their mouth, but maybe it's happened. I guess I'll never say never What?

Has anyone ever been in your mouth? No No one's ever asked Grumby would you mind if we all shrunk down And went inside of you? I'd actually really love it Well, why don't we take a quick break I'll grab some pillows

And we'll go see what's going on inside of Grumby Yeah, I wonder if we should name this episode Never been mouthed Grumpy, wait, wait, hold on. Are there any dangers to what we're doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. There's, like, a lot of bad stuff in there. There's, like, sharks that are three-headed.

There's, like, all sorts of, like, weird creatures. Things that I've eaten that, you know, everything I've eaten stays alive. Well, I don't digest. You ate a three-headed shark and it lives inside your head? Yeah. Cool. Let's see it. No more questions.

Fuck yeah. Shriggums! Triggum! Well, it is dark in here. Much darker than it in everyone else. Okay, I see the three-headed shark, but there's no water, so it's just kind of flopping. Don't kick it. That's not nice.

Oh, okay. Hello. Oh, hello. Hello. Are you the inner grumpy? Yep. Hello. Hello.

Nice greeting. Oh. Grammises. Have you fulfilled your life's dream yet? I know you wanted to be a singer at one point and you have dreams of living under a mousetrap, but is there anything else some inner secret that only the inner grumbie can reveal?

Well, the inner grumby does everything I want. Hmm. And in here, I own Capitol Records. Oh. Oh, honey, you know Capital Records. records, right? I mean, there's a capital records on my world. I don't know what the Foon Capital Records is. In Northeast, the king of Northeastia, currently Tom Lane, he has a bunch of records, files, and he keeps them there in the Capitol. Yeah, I want to own those, and I want to see what's in

because I'm sick of this government secrecy. Oh, I see. I'm going to be asked. I'm going to charge and get in there and see what's going on. If Arnie owned a record store, it would be called Virgin Records. Nice. Louser. I wish I could high-five you, but I'm incorporeal. That's quite all right, Grumpy. That's quite all right.

Inner Grumpy. I just hope that if you wished, you seem like a pretty fully realized person, but it seems like you still do want to uncover these government secrets. Yeah. We are no friends to King Tom Blaine at this time. He was a former friend of ours, so if you need any assistance in finding those records or or throwing the current government will happily assist. I'll happily assist.

I won't speak for my comrades. I'd be down. I think we should do it. Let's do it. Oh, look, Grumby, the incorporeal grumby's taking out of inkapurro guitar. I want the government to go on down, go on down underground. I want the government to go on down, go on underground. It all makes more sense when you're real.

she's a folk singer. Like, it sort of sounds right. Right. See, I know I'm pretty, I'm pretty good, but now my confidence is getting higher and I feel like shit. Oh, right. Right, right, right. Boo. Thank you. Yes. There's a lot of other weird stuff in here. Like, apparently Grumby has like a little orange horse in here named Prokey. Yeah. Yeah. That thing just melts and remakes itself every day.

Oh, look, here's our, remember when we had like an upside down flying giraffe? It's in here. Watch out. Whoa. The upside down flying giraffe named Spider-Man? Yes. You ate our upside-down flying giraffe that we haven't seen in weeks and weeks. I guess so.

Well, the good news is it's still alive. Or maybe it was a camel. What is that? It was a piss camel. Oh, wait, hold on. This is a, this is a similar upside-down giraffe. We had both. We had an upside-down.

Okay. All our horses is somewhere. Maybe. Wait, where's grapes? Didn't I have a goat named grapes? All our horses are somewhere. Yeah. Okay. What else?

Oh, look at this. Look at this. Oh, look at this. There's a little trap door. Oh, yeah. Oh, don't go in there. Oh, you're already going on there. Yeah, let's go in.

It says childhood on the, let's this childhood scrawled in. Okay, let's. Oh, this must be young grumpy. Oh, young, oh, young, grumpy. Look at young grubby. It looks cute, but, mm. Trying to climb a tree, desperate to get up to the top of the tree. This was a sad memory.

Such a scamp. Oh, look, here's Grumpy drinking milk in front of a mirror and seeing like an older version of themselves. Oh, yeah. That's when I was imagining my future muscles. Yeah. Wow. Hey, let's get out of here. Let's get out of here.

No, wait, wait. Hang on a second. Here's a version of Grumpy that's eating fruit loops. Oh, no. One that loves kush balls. Oh, wait. Holy shit. Here's like a teenage grumpy fucking Giovanni Rubisi.

Well, hold on, hold on, hold on. This isn't real. This isn't real. What the fuck? This is just something in my mind. Anybody can think anything, right? He keeps saying, I'm going to come in 60 seconds. What is that a reference to?

Come in 60 seconds. I can't tell you. I can't tell you. Let's get out of my trapdoor. We should get out of here. Let's go out of here. What do you just say one minute? That was.

Ooh. Inner grumpy. I don't know, you know, actually, I think you guys need to leave Grumby. I think you need to leave Grumby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you've seen all you. Biggams! Oh, look.

I'm going to go touch the table real quick. I'll be going to go. Sorry, I just woke up. That didn't feel kind of sick. I had the strangest dream. What was it? It had a lot to do with Giovanni Ribisi. It was mostly me trying to remember other things he was in.

Well, good dream. Horizon part one maybe Arnie, you don't have to do this Arnie, do you feel more relaxed now? Do you feel like you've got a better sleep now that we all climbed inside of your mouth? I guess so.

Although my mouth does taste like Badger come now. Can't be the first time. I'll ne'er tell. You knew what it tasted like. Got you there. Well, hey, you know, Arnie, I have to say, it's been a real pleasure being under your bed all this time. Oh, thank you, Grumpy, but...

But I actually have to be rolling along. I've been given a new assignment. A new assignment. As you mentioned before, you knew almost everything because you've been so many places and lived for almost forever. Yeah, yeah. I have to roll along and get out of here now. There's another bed that needs me. Can you share with us some details or a little glimmer into your next assignment or is it top secret?

Well, the bed's really small. Okay. And it has two little, uh, an elf couple. Okay. I'm listening. An elf couple sleeping in a small bed? Oh, I see. Yeah.

They're beautiful. Too beautiful. You actually probably wish you could have this job, honestly. Now, for no reason. and this isn't important, but you mentioned recently that you know the elf from the cover of this magazine?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, hypothetically, if someone wanted to try to get in touch with them, just to kind of like... Well, look, I'd have to ask her if it's okay, but just between you and me, you just, all you have to do is take a flashlight and stick it out your window

and put it straight into the sky. That's just her call. Oh, like Batman? Yeah, yeah. But with nothing on it. No silhouette, just saying, She'll know. She'll know what's you. Does she accidentally get summoned a lot?

Yeah. Yeah. It's embarrassing. She'll show up and then be like, what are you doing here? Yeah. But she won't change it. Seems like there'd be an easier way to get a hold of her that would be less confusing to people who just love shining lights into the sky. Look, I can't help her. I can't help you. If you want to meet her, just do it. You're going to get her. You should try. You should try. She's single right now. Oh, grumpy. Grumby. This is a very good.

information to have. They may assist our friend Arnie, or chunt if he's faster. You should make a race of it. Ooh, we should make a race of it. Arnie, what do you say? Gentleman's agreement? I guess I don't really, I don't know,

what do I have to offer? I don't even have any honey. Isn't it just like two gentlemen to race to try and hook up with a big-titted elf? Isn't it just like a gentleman? Isn't this how every story ends? Hey, it was my idea. A grumpy, you get full credit, and Grumby, you get full credit.

for the t-shirt, remind us what that t-shirt says? It says on the front big-titted elves there's more to the story that meets the eye. Big ass, gnomes,

parentheses, cake show. Something like that. Pretty close. Remember, your legacy will live on in t-shirt form. Thank you so much for everything. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for coming to talk to me, but, yeah, I got to go. Oh, good luck at your next assignment. That was terrifying the way she pushed herself out of here with her tongue. Her tongue touched almost every surface in, like, a matter of seconds. She rolls so fast. Oh, I forgot my suitcase. You know, I feel like if she used the acoustic guitar and did like, la la la la la la la la.

Like if she did that sound, that could be a song, right? Oh, I forgot my guitar. I think she keeps coming back I think Grumby keeps coming back on purpose Oh, I've heard to say It was really nice meeting you guys hugs Aww

It was nice to meet you too Grumby Nice to meet you too Grumby Grumby I didn't know you were here All this time but I will definitely feel your absence Aw We hope that someday you return To haunt us under our beds again If you're lucky

Keep those feet dirty Buddy I cannot waste any time in telling you, the listener, that none of the shirts mentioned in this episode will actually be made into shirts. Unfortunately, there are two new shirts inspired by recent live shows. The Trail of Destruction never ends. To see the Charlotte Live Show shirt, which apparently involves a dating pool, and the Richmond Live Show shirt,

which is apparently use it or wearing a shirt with a robot on it, visit our dashery store. Link in the show notes. Hey, this is Arnie from Earth, interrupting with a quick correction slash update. We thought we were not going to do the shirt from this episode, and then against all reason, and with special thanks to Anna Hoverman.

I am not responsible for this. We did make the shirt after all, and it is currently available in our dashery store, along with the live show t-shirts. So if you go to our show notes and click on that link, you can buy a shirt that on the front reads Elf Titskyi and then in parentheses, I'm a little more complex than just the front of my shirt. And then on the back of the shirt, it reads no mask guy and then in parentheses cake shelf. Our first shirt with a front and a back, you can buy that. And I think some of you weirdos will.

And if you do get a shirt, please take a picture. Send it to us on social media or via email. Bonus points if you're wearing it in public. Okay, that's the update. We made another impossibly stupid shirt. Then you can get it in lots of different colors, etc. Okay, back to the credits. Usadol the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Addle Raffire. Grumby, the Monster Under the Bed, was played by special guest Lauren Lapkis. Check out Lauren in the movie The Wrong Missy and the upcoming HBO. Max series, Stuart fails to save the universe. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free

episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode, a behind-the-tavern where the cast shares more behind-the-scenes stories. I do have one more sort of weird story about talking to David

Plots, about like, weird. Weird stories. From my heart and from my mind Why don't people understand Weird story I talked in a previous episode About before maybe like we went to like Emerald City Comic Con or whatever

That I'd been in the hospital For a bowel Unimpacted Bowls or something like that And I ended up being fine But then like half a year later It happened again And I ended up in the hospital again And I was literally in the emergency room

and David Plotz called me back and I was just sort of like I have to take this I was in the emergency room I think they were literally like wheeling me through the halls like I was on a bed being wheeled through the halls

and I was like I'm going to answer this so I'm talking to him on the phone and I'm sort of like trying to explain the show and figure out what he's going to do in the show in a bed being pushed by an orderly and I imagine they must have thought I was a crazy person, just going to the halls being like,

and you're in a magical world, and I've fallen through a dimensional portal, and I just must have seemed insane. Such an ongoing torrent of stories. Story after story, it's like sap dripping from a maple tree. Except with that, you eventually get something sweet and delicious. To hear the rest, and learn more about supporting the show,

visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neckham, Matt Young, and Adul Rify. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBann. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. I got a dream. I got a dollar.

I got a dream and I got a dollar. I got a dream. I got a dollar. I got a dream and I got a dollar.