Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 75 - Planning Meeting

Episode Date: October 13, 2025

Arnie, Chunt and Usidore catch up on the progress of all their schemes. Arnie has a big plan that could maybe change everything.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and three industrial containers of pumpkin spice stolen from Starbucks in the middle of the night, all on the fire. What I'm saying is I don't enjoy autumn. Now sit back and enjoy the show. All right, let me grab my gavel. I officially call this meeting of Hello from the Magic Tavern to order, where we will check in on our progress and all things. first order of business starting the podcast Hello from the Magic Tavern

A weekly podcast from the magical land of food I'm your host A weekly podcast from the magical land Oh yes Are you keeping the Are you writing this all down? Yes I just respond with short words

So I don't have to type my own word Okay From the magical land of food I'm your host Arne Neekamp If you've never listened to the podcast before This is everything you need to know 10 and a half years ago

I fell through a dimensional portal Behind a Burger King in Chicago go into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the ruffled feather, in McShingleshane Forest on the outskirts of Hogs' face in the magical land of foon. And I'm joined by my sonographer, Chump the Talking Badger. Oh, yo, Bobo.

Oh, yo, Bobo. Hey, can you read all that back to me, what we have so far? Okay, let me grab my gavel. Here it is. I'm now calling to order the meeting, the Magic Tavern meeting. I got spaghetti all over it. And then you can't remember the part.

You can't read the part that I've said hundreds of times? Yeah, sorry, I got spaghetti all over it. Oh, so much spaghetti. Ooh, spaghetti. I forgot. These are the little spaghetti fiend. Oh, he's slurping spaghetti right off of your scroll. Can I just say,

I love cooking spaghetti with Usador. He will grab a single strand of spaghetti. He'll make it look like a little wand. He'll pretend to cast little cooking spells. It's just so much fun. Is there a pasta wizard? Well, of course. There's a wizard who deals mostly in barley and grains, but that includes pastas.

Oh, I see. You're sure. Wow, a real carb-blooded wizard. Fordiferous of the Bucatini. You don't hear about him a lot because, like, you know, what's he really going to do? I mean, sure. Not that significant, really. But I hear he's very handsome.

I heard he's a real penny dropper. Oh, yes, definitely. Yes. He drops penny into every single pot he goes past. Don't get your pennies in a twist. Am I right, Arnie? Sure. Or don't.

That's a rigatoni move. Oh, yeah. If you twist penny, it becomes rigatoni. So, yeah, I guess don't. get your pennies in a twist. You shouldn't say that in front of him, though. Oh, why not? His cousin.

Rigot Tony. He had to do rig. Well, Riga Anthony. Yes. Yes, please. Please, we use the formal name. Yes, Anthony passed away, sadly, and then he had to be posthumously. Postumously?

Oh, no. Taxidermined. Oh, that was posthumously. So that's what he originally, his name was just Anthony. And then once they taxidomied him, that's how he became rigatone. Oh, because rigourg Morris sets in. Yes, exactly. Wow.

Well, that all worked out pretty good. Not for Anthony, but just in terms of some of the fun. And so, Trump, could you read all that back? No, I got, I got spaghetti on it. Oh, spaghetti. So much spaghetti. Oh, Cusador. Aren't you going to?

Okay, I'll just, a little. Whoa, that smacked you right in the face. Oh, yeah. Well, I got this red line on my face. Everyone's going to hate listening to this. Oh, that's right. Oh, next order of business, I'd like to introduce. Oh, do you have, like, chunsonographer?

Oh. I realize we didn't actually come up with, like, an official title for, or even knowing what you bring to the table for this planning meeting. Oh, let's see. If I chance the stenographer, and then you're the, what are you? I'm the host. Do meetings have hosts like this? Usually you'd be like the board president or something like that. All right, I am bored and I am the president.

I suppose then I could be the manitoms. Ooh, I like the way you said that. Better be manitoms. That was fun. Okay. Well, I would like, I'll use my gavel. I would like to introduce the man-at-arms, Usore the Wizard.

I am Usador, a wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trakus, the elves, no me as feying like, the dwarves, no me as Zonanuk-Stangis,

and I am known throughout the northeast as Gassuminius Maystar, and today I stand stalwart at this meeting. Spaghetti. Let everyone know that none shall pass on mine watch. I, serving here as man-at-arms, shall not let anything go awry, and He-Man's secret will always be safe with me. And I think during these meetings, Arne, I think we usually call them pasta Williams. Pasta Williams?

Yeah, that's what I call you, sir, when we're eating spaghetti. Oh, I see, that's his... And the chunts, when we're eating spaghetti, call me pasta Williams. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, that's in the list somewhere. I'm sure I've said it. Uh, probably. I'll check the wiki.

Arnie, if you're worried about people not wanting to listen to us sort of, you know, slurp down noodles, maybe we do like slurping Saturdays where we, you know, record some episodes on the weekend and it's all about the noise. Oh.

Could we bring the noise? Bring the noise, bring defunct. Oh, no. I think. It's more than I was ready to sign up for. I was just willing to bring the noise. Oh, yeah, I guess the funk's I really kind of shoehorn that in there.

So let's just do the noise. the noise. We'll just bring the noise. Sure. Sure. Here's my question. Yeah. What does, what is the, what is the man at arms? Like, what do you do? Like, is it just like you hold swords or something? Protect. Protect. Yes, I protect you

here in this meeting. So in case in case some band of ruffians comes along and tries to interrupt our meeting, it's sort of an archaic thing. You know, a lot of meetings now happen. You just, you know, in a room with people sitting around a table talking about things.

And there isn't a chance that perhaps, you know, some band of brigands would come along and take all of your things. It was sort of an archaic thing where you got someone who's on guard while you're having your meeting because probably you are sitting on a stump. Wait figuring out where you're going to go next

because you didn't have a home. People used to be nomadic here in food. Did you know that, Annie? I didn't know that. When did cities start? Ooh, I want to say Let's see I want to say it was more than six years ago

Yeah, sure I remember there being cities when I first showed up Okay, let's see less than 10 Maybe less than 10 Because I've been here more than 10 Okay, maybe it was more than 10 then, I don't know Or when I say cities, I mean, I guess I mean towns also Yeah

Let's see, there's so many ancient castles and Keeps and fortresses Do we count like like ants undergrounds is that a city is ants undergrounds a city i would count it okay so thousands and thousands of years ago oh okay all right so fair which still to my in my defense is more than six that is true that's just good math i have another follow question and i don't really even care about this one any more than the other one what's a brigand uh you know like uh bring in the funk bring in the noise

Dahl, what is with you in the funk? Artie, how could you yell at me? Look, I'm covered in blood. I'm covered in blood. It's pos, mostly pasta sauce, and probably. It's in some blood because you seem to cut yourself. Well, you see, Arna, you know what a thief is, correct? Yes.

And you know what a burglar is, and you know the difference. Yes, and I also know what a hamburger is. Of course. Yes, it's a burglar who steals half. And a ham thief. That's a ham thief. I'm sorry, you're right. That is a ham thief.

A brigand. A brigand, what they love to do is they love to wear a scarf around their face. And they love to ride up on a horse while you're in your carriage and steal your valuables. Occasionally, to mix it up, they will swing out of a tree at you. Oh. Huh. So you wear a scarf on your face and you get a whole name, the whole name for that, like a whole distinct name. It's like, I'm not a thief.

I'm a brigand. They're sort of a, they're sort of like road adjacent. It's very much about like being on the road, attacking people while they're on the road. That's the Briggins territory. Thiefs, they're going to hit you up in an alley. Burglars, they sneak into your house like a real motherfucker. But Briggins, they wait till you're out and about, got no one around, and that's why you needed a man at arms back in the day. When everyone was nomadic and everyone was traveling on the road, then it was imperative that you had someone,

constantly standing guard. Excuse me, boys. Are you two talking about brigands? Pardon my long yellow hair. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wow. Wow, wow. Sorry, guys, just goofing. That's spaghetti.

Oh. Oh, wow. That was a hair of spaghetti. I just need to take a moment to come to terms of how I felt about all that. To rethink everything. Arnie, why'd you grab a big pillow? I'm tired. Pillow on the lap.

I'm so tired. All the blood has left my head. Why does your big pillow have a picture of a girl with gigantic eyes painted on? Yeah, Artie. What's going on? That's my new girlfriend. Oh, enchanté. Enchanté.

Is her name pillow or? Her name is Ashante. Oh, enchanté, enchanté, enchanté. Yeah. Anyway, next order of business. Yeah. Speaking of all this blood on you, uh, Shonda, any. planning going on for Chunt for Red October? It's coming up in a couple of weeks.

Yes, a little bit of planning, but I think you'll find it's not your typical chunt for the Red October. Ooh. Mm-hmm. Great. Properly teased. Expect the unexpected phrase I just coined now. That is a good phrase. Right? Because it sets you up to expect something. Yeah, I was tinkering with like, don't expect the expected. And then I was like, that sounds like I'm leading some sort of like team of superheroes or something. something, and that's my charge line. So I think expect the unexpected. I think that's probably the more, the easier one to wrap your head around.

Sure, sure. Oh, I had a quick point of order. Oh, sure. Here, do you want me to gavel it in? Yeah, if you don't mind. Okay. All right. Sorry, could you bang it again?

Sure. Why, is there something weird? Wait, something wrong with my gavel? No, it's just fun. Oh, it is. It is fun. Um, I wanted to... Is it fun for the gavel?

I mean, I don't know. Gavin, are you having fun? Yeah. Okay, never mind. Oh, shit. I forgot we named the gavel Gavin. Yeah. And, Arnie, yeah, if banging the gavel's not fun for the gavel, why are we doing it?

So it's good to hear that Gavin's having fun. Yes, absolutely. Just a very quick point of order. And I should, Arne, I should have done this on your birthday. I just wanted to check in how everybody's doing with their bodies. I know Yusador and I, well, I used to be a little bit magical. I do live in a magical realm. Usur, of course, obviously, very magical, very ancient.

Arnie, you're getting up there in age, right? Yeah, I mean, I guess so. Oh, you sounded so fee. Yeah. Well, sure. My birthday is coming up in January, just a couple of months away, and I'm getting up there. But I'm still feeling okay. And just so you know, Yusor and I are planning something for your birthday, and let's just say,

uh, expect the unexpected. Indeed. I believe you're turning 49, the sex number. I'll owe you 20. Well, well, well, I need to correct you, Yusador. I'm turning 50, the no more sex number. Oh? Hey listeners, does it make you excited to listen to a show hosted by such a young guy, a young 50-year-old, talking to a cartoon animal and an old, old man that waves hard pasta around and pretends it's a wand?

Well, you don't want to know what I was pretending it was. Arnie, I just asked it because the other day you went to get out of bed and I heard you go, oh, and you sort of grabbed it your knee. Just want to make sure you're okay. It's the worst. I don't look, getting older, sometimes parts of your body just start to not work as well as they used to. It's easier to hurt yourself. But the worst part is, I just don't want to hurt my knee because. Yeah, you only have four of them.

Arne, knee, camp. I know. Because there's too many opportunities. for wordplay in that injury. I just don't want to have to call you Arnie Knee Brace. Does that make sense? It wouldn't be too bad, actually. It's no worse than Arnie Knee Camp.

Hmm. Arny New Brace. I can go with that. Shut that down. It could be part of the 50th celebration that we're definitely planning. Chantra, how is your body doing since you asked us? Um, good. I'm still in the learning phase. Um, so for instance, when I was chopping garlic,

I cut myself at the aforementioned cut and um because I just wasn't paying attention and I was like oh let me just heal that with a little bit of shape shifting went to do it um let out a little fart realized they no longer can shape shift so I just I need to be more careful do you always fart when you try to shape shift now well shape shifting is um I don't know how I explain the sensation of shape shifting it's it's sort of like a little squeeze but that muscle I guess is gone now. So when I did it, it seemed to produce a different magic, I guess. I see.

Just like relaxing your sphincter, essentially. If we must put so fine a point on it. Chun, actually, that reminds me, I was going to save this for closer to the end. I do have an email I was hoping to put into the record. Is it all right if I bang the Gavin and read this email? Yeah, of course. Should we turn around while you bang the Gavin? No, I'm just going to hit it on the table, which I'll also say.

sounds. There's no way of saying this. That doesn't sound like a euphemism. Anyway, here's the email and I would like to put into the record. Hi, everyone. I have a question regarding a potential concern for our dearest Chunt. With Chunt giving up his shapeshifting abilities and being a magical creature, I am concerned for his life. By Chunt giving up his magic as a shapeshifter and being stuck as a badger, does this mean he now has the lifespan of a badger not a shapeshifter? It has been theorized by Chunt in the past that he may take on the lifespan of whatever he turns into, which resets every time he shifts. I am not sure about the lifespan of Foonian Badgers, but the average lifespan of a European Badger is only five to seven years in the wild up to

20 years in captivity. With Chunt already having lived a fair amount of time, ooh boy, shots fired. Does this mean that without his abilities, Chunt only has a few years to live? If so, please consider reclaiming your magic and becoming a shape-shifting, shape-shifter again. Best wishes, and for goddess's sake, don't die. Allie, thank you so much. Arnie, did you say seven years in the wild, 20 in captivity?

Yeah, you know, seven in the wild, 20 in captivity, that old expression? Like two in the... Well, we don't need to get into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Arnie, I think I need to be taking captive. Uh, you said are quick. Captiv, captivate me. Captivate you happily.

Oh, fuck. Watch as I pull this rabbit out of my hat. Whoa. Oh, lucky rabbit. It's going to live 20 years probably now. Oh, no, those rabbits only last a few minutes. Uh, when else could captivate you? Oh, uh, here.

Uh, uh, if I pull up my robes, you can see my knees. Oh. I also have four knees. Whoa, look, he bends down like a lamb or something Yeah, pretty captivating, right? Yeah, his feet kind of bend the way you wouldn't think. You kind of look like those aliens in that Charlie Sheen movie, The Arrival. Also, get in this cage.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. I just bought 10 years on your life. I guess trying to churn as a caged animal from now on. I am also, next order of business, I'm going to send us the break. going to send us to break uh while we do that arnie would you like some more ravioli with salsa this episode is brought to you by hero forge you probably already know that hero forge lets you create fully customizable tabletop miniatures and you can make them directly in your browser

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polyhedral shapes, including regular and extra large options. Bring a story to every role. Visit HeroForge.com to start designing your miniatures and dice today and check back often because new content is added every week. That's heroforge.com. All right. Next order of business. Guys, how do you think this meeting is going? I think I've been pretty captivating. Absolutely. Oh, could I get a little, like a little metal cup so I can kind of like run it along the bars?

Oh, yeah. Oh, of course. Of course. Oh, Chunt, while he gets that, would you like, if I could get a water bottle and, like, hang it from the side of your cage and you can kind of like suckle on it for drops of water? That would be great. There's literally a metal cup at the next table. I don't know why he's doing all this.

I feel like I should interrupt Usador to tell him I don't want the cup, I want the water bottle, but now he's in the middle of a... Finish. Orhanter-harting! There you go. Whoa, that's so good. Do you mind actually transforming this

into like a bottle of water that's on the side of this cage? Oh, sure. Erroth to talk. It's the same spell. You can tell. It's going to be another cup, I can tell. What if I got, like, a wheel in here, right?

Ooh, or like a plastic ball that you can run around the room inside. Oh, that would be... Oh, let me wait for him to finish me. Eikota. Whoa, that one. It costs him one of those fingers. Vikotha. Um...

You start doing mine, actually. What's that? Thank you. You don't like the bottle now? No, it's... You're sort? It's perfect. Thank you.

Okay. Arnie, I'll get it next time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. I can just go running to town and get you one later. Wait, wait. What do you need? Nothing. Just tell me what you need.

Why would you put this off? Why would you whisper around me and make me feel like a fool? No, I just didn't want to bug you. Do you mind putting, like, a wheel in here so I can, like, run or like a ball and maybe, like, holes in the bottom of the cage so my feet can stick it out and can, like, I can run around in the little cage. Yeah, sure. Yeah, no problem. If he does that same spell, I'm going to be so best.

Yeah. What is up with all these spells? This spell is kind of like pasta in that all pasta is kind of, there's different shapes, but it's all kind of the same ingredients, right? I don't know if it comes across if it's just the sound, like, I don't know if it's too visual or if the sound reads. This spell looks like he has to poop and, it hurts.

Oh, also, when he's done with that, Arnie, we should ask for him to do some pesto digitation. Oh, yeah. Just because the salsa does not go with the ravioli. Yeah. Oh, my. How's that? Very good.

Well, I'll check it in a minute. Do you mind doing some pesto digitation to make some sauce for the ravioli, just so we have options? Sure, of course. If it's the... This pesto, rethrocrutable. Oh, now I wish it was the same stalls before. Oh, man.

Anything else? You know what? This is what I live for. I live for doing magic. You know, it's my entire purpose for being here is, of course, to defeat evil. But the way I do that is by improving the world in general ways through the great power of my magic. So it is a blessing to bless you with my blessings. Oh, thank you.

Thank you for the blessing. That reminds me. I guess our next order of business, and I'll go get Gavin ready here. The next order of business is just to check in on how we're progressing and defeating evil in general. We can kind of go around the table. I don't know if you want. I'm going to be honest. I'm just going to cut right to the chase here.

It's not looking great. Oh, I thought that was a good. Buf. No. That wasn't, when you put your hand in your head and stared at the floor and just, side. That wasn't a good version of that? Yeah, that wasn't one of the good, uh, cradle yourself, uh, until you fall asleep, try not to think about the evil in the world moments. Uh, yeah, not, not great. Not a lot going,

uh, well. You know, I have that, that blood rose. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Try to make the wizards fall in love, maybe, see if that does anything. Still don't really understand how that would even help necessarily, but, Yeah, me neither. But, you know, fuck it, give it a shot. Usir, I've noticed that you just have a tendency to just grasp at magic item after magic item. It almost doesn't matter what it does. You're just sort of like, I must find the bell of Timor, and that will solve everything. Wait, you know where the bell of tomorrow is?

I made that up. Is there a bell of tomorrow? I must have it. Shit. Oh, great. Is there some prophecy if someone makes up the name, the bell of Timor, that means the bell of tomorrow is near? You've just prophesied that prophecy into being. I just made that up.

I just made that up. I think I've heard of the bell of tomorrow where it's a bell that rings when it's near the bell of tomorrow. Does that make sense? So the bell rings when it's close to itself? Well, no. The bell of tomorrow rings when it's close to the bell of tomorrow. Oh, what a conundrum. What a perfect conundrum for my wizard brain to unpack.

Oh, I have to do it. I shall solve this mystery. I shall find the bell of Timor. I'll even find the bell of Pumba. And then it'll be no worries for the rest of our days. Not yet. We must finish this meeting. And then we can all go off on some adventures.

But I appreciate the gusto and the Pesto. Este Pesto, et de prulcala. Ooh, Pesto, Jameso. Well, it sounds like you have made no progress in defeating evil, figuring out how we can end this wizard war. I would say no progress. I have been randomly collecting magical items as they, you know, enter my field of vision. How many magical items that have been named before can you remember that we have?

Ooh, this will be fun. Oh, well, of course, now, as you look at me, I'm bedecked in the great Ruby of Galazil and a mystical arm of Beck, Gaelig, and here. Two. Sure. You said that perfectly. Of course, you know, I have, I have the, I have some rocks in this pocket here. Three.

The Blood Rose, you already said. The Blood Rose, that's number four. You said that one. Soon I'll have the Bell of Tommore. We almost got that death book, but I think that's still in Bitsy's bangles and butt stuff, whatever that place was called. You know what? That seemed like a pretty powerful magical hand. We should get that fucking book, man.

Yeah, that's a pretty good book. And also, we should get it just so it doesn't fall into the wrong hand. hands. That's true. Yeah. That, that's the smartest thing you've ever said. And you've said a lot of smart things. That's not an insult. Few. Here's the perspective I think we should have. Are we the best hands? No, but there are worse hands than us. So if we get something powerful, we're keeping it out of the wronger hands. Whoa. That's exactly right. We should name the three of us. If the three of us are going to try and get this death book and we want to sell people on the fact that there's worse hands out there, we should name our group, name our trio, and then we should have a slogan that there's

worse hands out there. Sort of like my expect the unexpected. I will say when there's a plan about the death book and we're talking to people about the plan about the death book, I don't want to foreground our name, right? When talking to people about a book where you put a name in, it kills that person. Like even if it's collectively like we as a group have a name, we don't want to be like, there's a death book. and we, the three bozos,

I don't like that name at all. You don't like that name? No, don't care for that. Okay, I think I solved it. What if we're the death dudes, but we tell people we're death dudes. That way, if they ever get the book and they write, death dudes should die,

we don't die because we're the death dudes. Oh. Interesting. I'm a little bum. Nobody said that's the smartest thing you've ever said. I think that's the second smartest thing you've ever said. I thought that other thing was just tops. I'm going to be chasing that high.

I have to be honest. If we get a hold of this death book, there's a very good chance. I shall feel compelled to try to destroy it because I think it's too powerful to exist. And that's a rare one for me. I like getting some crazy shit that will fuck everything up and just hanging on to it as long as I can. Oh, yeah. That's your brand. But I think this one, you know, even for me, this is a little, this is a little much.

I mean, I don't even know who would have introduced something like this into the world of food. And it seems like a fucking crazy thing to do. Someone who only casually pays attention to what's going on in the story, I'll tell you that. Oh, interesting. I mean, it feels like it's kind of the smartest thing I've ever heard on the show. Oh, when we're talking about things we have, I keep forgetting. But in my pocket, I have this laser gun. Look, I'll just shoot in the same.

sky. Whoa. You shouldn't do that. Oh, yeah, that was bad. That's a powerful laser gun. Also, those lasers have to come back down at some point, right? That's not how lasers work. Oh, yeah, and the laser casings fell to the floor, and they're pretty hot.

I don't know what that is. You should check how many lasers are still in the chamber. I'm not going to, look, don't trick me into looking down the barrel of this laser gun. Oh, I forgot to, is now a good time to tell you guys about two kicks, man? It's a perfect time. Now it is, yeah. There's a rumor out of the, the south that there's a guy named two kicks man he can defeat anybody in two kicks

oh huh so we need that death book probably to kill this guy can i play with the laser gun no you lost our last laser gun remember when you lost that laser gun i said that's you're not getting another one so i'm going to keep this laser gun guys should i start killing bad guys with this laser gun yes arnie we've been saying obviously close your rings first or whatever that is yeah well no i got to get my steps steps that's what it is yes i'm walking to mortar i why have i been calling you the lord of closing your rings arnie the second you hear drip fang like doing his own sound effects banging through a door whatever uh i pull and and fire i you have an open standing order to kill on sight there's all sorts of evil people you should you should take out yeah i mean usually

when an evil person comes by we invite them on the podcast we totally platform them and we sort of eventually become best friends with them. But maybe next time there's an evil person on the show, I should just fucking shoot him in the face with this laser gun. Please. And to be fair, we don't become best friends. We become best friends with them, and they still hate

our guts. Oh, yes. That's even worse. Unrequited friendship is the worst. I should shoot them in the fucking face with this laser gun. Right. Right. All right, guys. I don't do this lightly, but this is my sacred promise. Oh, boy.

A sacred promise that the next evil person we have on this show, I'm going to shoot him in the face with this laser gun. Fuck, yeah. Oh, Arnie, it's not a huge difference, but do you mind putting your hand kind of slightly above the laser gun and kind of twitching your fingers? I think that would just be a little more dramatic, and then pulling it and shooting.

Oh, so put it above, twitch my fingers like I'm trying to get it to come, or I don't understand. I didn't say that, but I don't hate that. Did I not twitch the fingers in the right way? Oh, I've asked that question before. I think what Chunt's trying to do here is create a bit of tension. It's a storytelling technique that we have never employed on the show, whereby you create a moment where, oh, are they going to pull the gun out and fire it or not? Will they do it in time?

How, I must, I sit upon the varying edge of mine's seat, and I know not what shall happen next. Yes, exactly. I'm not against it. I'm willing to try it, but let me ask, who is that for? Like, if I'm going to shoot someone with a laser gun, who is it for for me to, like, wiggle my fingers over it for tension? Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, uh, you sort of can you cast a spell to make sure that's really our friend? Because the guy I know, the guy I met on day one, told me that everything has content. Oh, shit.

So you're telling me you're going to kill someone and not release that on the main feed? Wow, you're right. Also, if I've learned anything from 10 and a half years, of doing the show is you got to draw everything out. You got to make it last this a little bit longer. I put a mirror under his nose. That's Arnie. Yeah, that's me.

It's still breathing. Still love mirrors. I don't know if that confirms it's Arnie, but, yeah. Close enough. Close enough. Okay, sorry. Arnie, any other points of order? Well, I do have one more thing.

This is kind of, oh, I've been kind of working on a plan, and I don't know if this is a good plan. Are you guys open to me running an idea by you? Okay. Are we to the new business yet? Oh, that's a good question. Are we two new business? Do we have any more old business? Well, the only old business was to talk about our bodies.

Oh. All mine are hidden, by the way. All your old business? You're talking about poops? No, no. Never mind. Oh, yeah. Arnie, he used to buries his poop so that his enemies can't get it sent.

Oh, they'd love to get a hold of that defecate. And they would love to make. some sort of potion or poultice out of it. Something with my wizardly off-offings that would then transform them into some sort of magical beast. Oh, they want it desperately, but what they don't know is it's when I defecate, it is the only parts of me that are not magical, that escape. I'm holding all that matter.

I am backed up with magic. Are you saying that out there's some supervillain, some. shit-eating nemesis that's coming for you and trying to eat all your poops. Yeah, of course. I got to shoot that motherfucker in the face with this laser gun. Right, yes. If you see shit-eater, just shoot her in the face. Shoot her in the face.

Okay, don't love that, but okay. You'll be able to tell because she's got a big shit-eating grin. Yeah, okay. I'm going to write down shit-eater, and then I'm going to put under it casting, question mark. Yeah, and just post that up to every. Every tree in the area, and we'll get some people who will come out, and then we can choose from them. They're going to be some weird email requests to send out, but okay, shit eater. But also, Arnie, of course, you can, you know, run something by us if that was the question.

Okay, well, how about this? Why don't we take our second break? That's the last of our old business. And then I will share with you, no pressure. I don't want to build it up too much, but an incredible plan that I think is going to solve all of our problems. An incredible play. Sounds good. Yeah, it sounds really good.

Okay, we'll be right back. Sorry about my Rogues Gallery. Their name's not the most creative. Okay, guys. Let me give my presentation here. Let me set up my easel. Let me put my things on it. Although I realize I have an easel and I have these poster boards, but it didn't write anything on them.

So, okay, never mind this. What a time. terrible clatter. Vin, you okay? I forgot we named all the items. Vin Easel. Are you okay? Yeah, he sounds fine. He's here. He'll be fine. I feel like that easel's best work is behind it. Is that fair to say? I, you, mm-hmm. I mean, I'd be happy to be wrong. I'd be happy to be proved wrong. Okay, anyway, enough about the easel. You know how? 10 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical, fantastical land of foon, into hog's face. No, this is the first time here now. Just the first year

Well, Chunt, read back the notes Yes, I got Pesto on it Oh, Pesto on top of the spaghetti Usador, all I have to do every meeting now is just dump pasta on it Yeah, that's the best thing to do Well, you know, for a long time I was trying to find the dimensional portal And then I found it once or twice, but it was too small to get through I've been looking all over town again

Because I think we could use the dimensional portal To help us defeat the wizards Oh, I'm listening. Not Usador, though, right? Not Usador, the other wizards. Stop the Wizard War, probably kill all the wizards except for Usador. Thank you. Maybe, I don't know, we can figure out if there are a couple that shouldn't die.

Oh, you know, I'd be willing to hear Jin leave you out. I'd be willing to hear Jamilis out. I like spin packs. Yeah, fuck that guy. I like him. So I don't know. So look, we've had a really tough time building a coalition to defeat the Wizards. Fair?

Fair? Yeah, fair. We've spent this whole season working really hard to try to get kings on our side, to try to get other magic users on our side. Maybe once or twice we've had people being like, yeah, I'll help. But for the most part, people have been actively not helpful. Sorry, Arne. I thought you're going to pause and say fair. I really liked when he stopped to ask us fair.

It feels like we're really engaged and part of the decision-making process. Yes, really. Should I be doing that more? Yes. Is it fair? Fair. Fair. Okay, good. I like that. That gives it a little bit of energy. So, we have not been able to get any allies. Also, you know, Tom Blaine Belaroff is actively trying to kill me. Fair? Fair. Fair. And some would say that we've mostly just fucked around most of this season and accomplished nothing, fair. Fair. Fair. I guess it's fair.

No, no, that one doesn't feel as good. I didn't even feel good saying it. But I appreciate you're supporting me. To be fair, we were in prison for a while. We were in prison for a while. It's true. Fair. Fair.

I'm still in prison. What, I'm in a cage. That's right. You're back in prison. And I am emotionally. True, true, fair. Fair. Fair.

Fair. So, we've had no luck getting allies in this world. What if we try to get allies from Earth? Fair. Oh, like the Jonas Brothers or something? I mean, I'm not saying not the Jonas Brothers. Allies like Ali, the person who wrote the email that you read a little bit ago? Exactly.

The person, the type of weirdos who write emails to the show, maybe they would want to help us defeat the Dark Lord. And when I say them helping us, I'm not talking bullshit ways like joining the Patreon or writing reviews about the podcast on whatever podcatcher they use or, you know, writing about us on Reddit or engaging with us on social media. or telling their friends they should listen to the show or going to a live show or buying merch. None of that stuff. Oh, okay. Although that stuff is great. Yeah, do it.

That's fair. Fair. What I'm saying is we should take our fan base and honestly anyone else who wants to and move them to Hogs face. Whoa. Let's find the dimensional portal. Let's crank it open somehow

and there are a lot of ifs here, I acknowledge. Let's figure out a fair way to let them in through the, the portal to decide who comes in, who doesn't. They can move into Hogs' face in the surrounding area. We build a coalition that will help us fight the dark lord. Does that

sound fair? Fucking fair. Yeah. My first vote would be for Liz because I heard she got exiled from Guyville. Fair? I mean, I have never been more excited. Liz. Fair. Fair. Absolutely. And you know what? She can do whatever she wants. She can fuck.

She can run. Whatever. Ever. Oh, she's the blowjob queen out of the Midwest, my dear boy. Fair. I thought you guys were going to maybe not. Sorry, I was a little nervous. I didn't think you guys were going to like this idea. I don't like it.

I love it. My only call is that. I'm sorry, I'm going to stop you. I feel really betrayed by how you did that because you really upset me. And I'm glad where you landed, but for a minute I felt really awful. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry. Fair?

Fair. Okay. My only qualm is that I do feel like it should only be fans. Only fans? Well, you said fans and whoever else wants to go. I feel like it should be just our fans. Okay. Because it would suck to go through all this,

presumably going to be a pretty heavy lift. Fair. Fair. Also, we're getting so many messages from people. I don't know what's going on on Earth, but people want to get away from there. Oh. This is going to be popular, is what I'm saying.

Yeah. But, but, yeah, to finish my thought, it would just suck to go through all of that rigamarole, that whole adventure and chaos and who knows what sort of injuries we suffer and then let those people in, only to have someone turn around while I'm helping them and go, hi, sorry, I don't really listen. Oh, shit. And I go, oh, okay. And they go, I would suck. I don't really, my boyfriend listens, but I don't really listen. Yeah. And I go, okay, you didn't have to, I didn't ask you.

You don't? Yeah. Like, I feel like those people should. just never be able to come here. Yes. What you're saying is, if you listen to the podcast, but your loved ones do not, you have to be separated in a different world. It's tough.

I mean, Arnie, you were separated, so I feel like it's tough, but I feel like it's tough, but fair. Fair? Hold on a second. That brigand tried to swing through the window and steal all our jewels. I was so close to laser. during that brigand in the face. Well, I'm the man at arms, so that would be appropriate. Ooh, thank you, Yusador.

Chunt, I'm agreeing with everything you're saying. Okay, perfect. My only, uh, quibble would be... I don't like how that landed. A lot of quams and quibbles between the two of you tonight. A lot of qualms and quibbles. That's a good question. I'm not sure if this is a quam or a quibble.

I'll share it and you tell me if it's a qualm or a quibble. Okay. I think we should let everyone in a vizabeth. Eventually. Like, we shouldn't say there are people that can't come in, but maybe we should have some kind of organizing system to prioritize who can come in and who can't come in, right? Just so it's not full on chaos. Yeah, I like that.

Like, maybe we say listeners first, or even among them, that might be too many. I mean, our analytics could be better, but it's still a lot of people. Yeah, maybe people with additional buttholes first. Okay, we could have a butthole system. Women in buttholes first. Women in buckles first. Oh, my gosh. Remember when we first met, you were wearing a T-shirt that said that.

I still have it. And it's available in our merch store. What I'm saying is maybe listeners come in first or maybe we prioritize people on the Patreon. Is that ethical? Is that ethical? Is that ethical? I think we're getting into a sketchy territory here where we're deciding who deserves to come through and who does not deserve to come through. based on some sort of metrics that are sort of arbitrary and based just solely on our own,

I believe some preferences. I believe that anyone who wants to seek asylum here should be allowed to do so. And if they don't wish to seek asylum here, then so be it. And if they come to get away to just live their lives peacefully, so be it. And then if they wish to join mine quest to defeat evil, then I shall gladly stand by their side as the forces of evil reign down upon us, swords in hand. As they decimate our forces, we shall stand tall and proud. We shall every listener who wants to stand by my side and die for the cause of food, I shall allow them to die. Yeah, what you're saying is maybe we prioritize people who are willing to join your quest, and that's kind of like a fast pass.

It's not like we're saying they get in better, but like their process is sped up if they're willing to die with you. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, not with me. I won't die. Oh, no, I will. You will die. Damn it.

Wait a minute. And chunt, too, because he'll probably have to leave this cage at some point. Oh, yeah. We got to figure this thing out. Arney, wait a minute. Something you said, this fast pass, what if we kind of gunked up the gears of everything around here, except for the avenues where the fast pass helps people sort of cut the line? Then we could charge whatever we want for this fast pass, and people would be fools not to buy it.

Chunt, you had me at gunk. Sure, available in our merch store. That's the Usador shirt. And that's the thing. look, it's going to take us a while to figure out even how to do this. I still have to find the dimensional portal, although it's somewhere around here. And we're going to need

resources to start building homes the people on Earth would like here in Hogs' face. Arnie, resources. I know of a resourcerer. A resourceer? Yeah. Isn't he the one that reuses sorcerers? Yeah, to make resources.

Huh. So, sorry, continue. I was just trying to help solve problems where I could. Yeah. I should have that. resource that are on the podcast. It's a good idea. Can't believe no one's pitched that. Okay, so we have a couple shirts in the merch store, and they are selling two or three a piece.

Each idea, we sell a couple. Nice. But how about this? This doesn't mean you'll get into Foon any faster, but as a way of supporting our effort to get more people coming from Earth into Hogs Face. We're going to sell shirts that read, I'm moving to Foon. Racing towards double digits And so if you want to move to Foon

If you just want to get away from where you are Or you just want a shirt that will confuse the people you know You can get a shirt that reads, I'm moving to Foon Now, Ani, that last caveat That it confuses people They could pick any shirt in our store If that is their goal This is maybe the least confusing shirt in our store

What about the one we just added that's Arnie and it says Arnie says relax Fuck it, I guess we're adding that one too. But don't let any of those great shirts that someone should buy, someone should, distract you from the I'm Moving to Foon shirt that is going to support our effort to move a bunch of people from Earth into Foon. They're going to fight with Yusidor, many of you may die, but we're going to fix Foon's problems together. Fair, Arnie, more than fair. Fair. I would say.

Yeah, fair. So if you have the I'm moving to Foon shirt, immediately you're in. Yes. we'll say everybody else as we get more people trickling in maybe there's some sort of like they have to make us laugh or oh do we want a bunch of people trickling in trying to make us laugh do we want that oh I guess that's hell I guess that is hell I mean I hate that I'm saying this do we maybe want to deprioritize people who listen to the podcast like is there a podcast out there through the people are probably more effective and helpful that we could come into this world Okay Like people listen to science podcasts People who can do things and make things

Oh yeah or like I mean Arnie I Never mind No what is it John What is it You're friends There's nothing you can say That's gonna change that we're friends

Now it might alienate some of our listeners But Oh yeah It's just I feel like the potpires fan base Is pretty massive And it feels like they're all pretty flippant cool.

Should we buy an ad on bonfires? Arnie, I'm so sorry. I know that's the one thing you said we'd never do. I mean, fine, I'll use some of the coins I have and I'll buy us add placement on an upcoming episode

of podpires, but they have to promise to make it available on our Patreon. Okay, that's fair. That's fair. Arne, that's fair. Fair. Okay. Arne, I really like this idea. Me too. I'm in concurrence, for I believe a fresh intake of raw, stalwart, friendly, and brave souls shall be just the thing that reinvigorates our fight against evil. Look, we've been trying to solve fantasy problems with fantasy solutions, and none of it's done anything.

I think it's time for parisocial progress. Arne, I don't say this slightly. I feel like I want to make you like mayor or something, right? I just feel like the ideas you're bringing in are so cool and fresh and exciting. I want to make you like mayor or something. I like the attention. I like the validation that I'm getting from you. My question is like, would that be hard?

Would that be a lot of work? I guess you would have to like hand out a lot of keys and stuff. Is there like an idea guy job that I could have where I'm just sort of like coming up with brilliant ideas and everyone knows they're my ideas and love me for my ideas, but I don't have to actually, like, do them or make them work. Okay, I just Googled it on your phone, Arnie, and it says podcast host. Perfect. That's the job I want.

Guys, we're doing it. This meeting has been very successful. I declare it. I forgot that's a thing, yes. You declare it. All right. This has been fair. Fair.

The only thing that's slightly taking away from my super sense of optimism is that Chun is in a cage right now. And that feels a little odd. Oh, yeah, I can... Well, here's a good thing. I have good news. I thought about this a little bit more. And, you know, I know that Chunt shape shifted just prior to losing his power. So that puts him kind of at square one, you know?

Oh, yeah. You're like in year one. So you've got a good five to seven years naturally. Oh, perfect. 20 years, you know, sleep in the cage and I, maybe just adds three years. If we get you up to 13 or something, hopefully in it, In the interim, we figure out a way to all become immortal, celestial beings who shall blaze through the heavens like the great heroes and masters of the universe that we are.

Look, I know this episode's going a little long. We probably should have wrapped it up about 45 minutes ago, but two thoughts. One, on the Patreon, we've got to do a series called Chunt Year 1, right? Right. Yeah, or young Usador. Well, the Usador one would be blazing through the heavens, and it would be more Glorpe-themed. Hmm. Okay. Fair. And what was two, Orney?

Oh, that was two. Oh, I'm not good at math. I thought I brought up the second one. Did we start with two and then work back to one? Was that a countdown? I forgot that I shape-shifted it right before I lost my power, so I have all fresh organs. Usador? Hey, Usador. Have you been working on trying to track down that secret earth ingredient that we heard about, retinol?

Yes, I've finally completed it in my secret studies away at night and my Secret Labore at all these. Retinol with a sph, 50. There you go. Just for you, jump. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You all right? Yeah, it's good.

Delicious. Well, it looks like our points of order are down to zero, so that means Yusador. We're ready for our dessert. Ah, excellent. It's tiramisu. Tirmissu, Tirmissu, Tirmissu, Tremoso, Tremosa, Tremissi! I thought the thing he was serving was called Tiramisu, but that's the beginning of the spell.

And, of course, my tiramisu comes with real lady fingers. Baked myself. Were these soaked in alcohol? Yeah, baked myself. I baked them myself. They're real lady fingers, the cookie. Oh. Why did you say it like that, then?

Because they're real lady fingers. I'm not eating these. Nope, no matter what you say. I hope you're done a bomb. Cookies with bones. Cookies with bones. How you did that? You know, sometimes you got to wonder if you're being trolled.

On the one hand, it is my job to stop folks from doing things like transporting people from one dimension to another. It's kind of my whole brand. On the other pincer, they have so... little chance of pulling this off, not to mention the enormous entertainment value of watching them try, that I'm going to say, good luck with that. And if you, listener, want an I'm Moving To Foon shirt, I'm pretty sure they're now available in the Dashery store. Link in the show notes. Use it all the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Junk the Talking Badger was played by Addle Rify. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the

Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes. all the spin-offs and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode, a new Halloween-themed installment of podpires with Steve Walteen and Alex Eilhauer. I'm so sorry, Chad. I'm so sorry, Vlad. He's saying crazy stuff. I wouldn't exist either if I couldn't participate

in something like this. I wouldn't... Or I have to dress as a child, because there's a disadvantage there because it's hard to dress as something smaller. Yes. The primary identifying feature of a child is the size. And so it's how are you going to get

yourself smaller? Well hey, and then I just thought about how I become a bat. Isn't that funny how you take things for granted? Like I become a bat and then I'm smaller. Where does the rest of me go now that you ask? Where do I go?

Where does the rest of me go? I've wondered that too, you know? Yes. And if I get a little cut when I'm a bat, then it's a bigger cut. Oh. Like if If one of my wings comes off, this has never happened to me, but then it's like a whole arm. Oh, yes. What happens to your clothes when you turn into a bat?

Oh, come on, then don't ask stupid questions. Come on. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niebrace, Matt Young, and Adel Rify. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schulz, Associate Producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Red Key. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.