Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 78 - Lady Dowager (w/ Pratima Mani)

Episode Date: November 3, 2025

Lady Dowager is a four time winner of Foon's Most Eligible Widow and she's angling for a fifth win.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungLady Dowager: Pratima ManiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People of Earth. The following podcast is more not real than a horse kick to the face is not ticklish. Forgive me for this. My recent performance review said my disinterest in the product was palpable and off-putting. Who's ready for some hot podcast lightning to be shot into your ears via the battering ram of joy? You're about to be subjected to so many rich character choices. You'll barely even notice we've got about as much of a story. arc as Cloud Atlas.

Now, sit that hot caramel fun pillow down into your chair. This is exhausting. And prepare to have your face melted by your white hot enjoyment of this show. Exclamation points. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Kemp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Over 10 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional Rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the... The tavern, the ruffled feather in McShingleshane Forest on the outskirts of hogs face in the magical land of foon.

And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. Bing-Bong. Hey, oh, that was quite a fast Bing-Pong. How you doing, buddy? Oh, do you want me to slow it down? No, I'm just, I guess, maybe I'm just, look, something about me is that I'm always parsing for micro expressions and just subtle ways people are saying, their catchphrases differently.

I just noticed that you did a Bing-Bong, like a fast bing. bong just checking on you and thinking like oh no is he mad at me did he say it so fast because he's mad at me arnie i have to admit i'm mad at you oh shit i knew it it's just i don't know how to put this arnie at this very table typically i sit where you're currently sitting and you sit over here oh just feels a little passive aggressive to sit where i sit oh you know we've never talked about seats i guess but i guess for 10 odd some years i've always sat right there So I guess I'm just curious what's going on this morning. Are you okay?

Oh, I am. I guess I'm just a little, I've been working so hard to try to figure out this thing about trying to find get earth people here in Foon. You know, we've made up these T-shirts. I move into Foon. Hey, listeners, it's a great holiday season gift for your parents who will have no idea what it means. And I guess I'm just, I'm working on that so hard that I didn't even notice where I sat down. And it's totally fine. I mean, hey, after 10 years, we should shake things up.

Wouldn't it be fascinating if we all sat in different seats for a recording? I think that's the kind of fun, new kind of content, new angles that listeners would appreciate. Arne, are you listening? What's that? No, I'm just thinking. Are you mad at me? I'm thinking about these shirts. No, I'm not mad at you.

I'm just, it's worse, actually. I'm just not thinking about you right now. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. That's fine. Oh, if I could maybe help you with your thing, if that helps alleviate some amount of, you know, your stress. What if we had Usador magic these shirts?

So the minute someone puts them on, it sort of sucks them into food. Oh, well, that would be incredible. I feel like that's not a promise we should make on the podcast. How about this? You don't think I can do it? I am one of the greatest wizards who was ever lived, and my magical power could.

certainly suck people right off of earth. Don't say it like that. Are you mad at us? Of course. Phew. Okay, well, I'm also joined by my other co-host, Usador the Wizard. I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakus.

The elves know me is Fianelik. The dwarves know me as Zonanuk Stengis, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanus Maystar. And there is no feat so great that Usadore. cannot accomplish it with magic. Did he say devour of chaos? I don't, I wasn't really not, I was thinking of these shirts. I wasn't even listening to what he was saying. No, I said it.

I kind of, I kind of, I kind of pushed through it. I was devour of chaos. It was kind of fast. It's kind of like my bing bong. It's a little bit like your bing bong. It's more of a succinct bong. A succinct bong. Do we got to have a succinct bong in the merch store just as a, oh, yeah, that may be kind of nice.

Yeah, absolutely. It's like one little hit in your high. Yeah. those other bongs. Oh, so wasteful. Through a long walk. Usir, what do you've been up to this week? I've been contriving ways to defeat all of the forces of evil.

Oh, how I sit and I plot and I wonder and I ponder and I go, would that destroy evil? Probably not. And then I sit and I think for a while longer about something else. And I go, that's it. That's, no, no, that's not it either. And then I go, aha, that's the thing. And then I go, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What if we made shirts that when evil put them on, it, like, kill them? Ooh. I feel like we should be making more shirt-based magic, is what you're saying. Yeah, it feels like shirts are just an opportunity to do a lot of things. Yeah, I'm loving everything you're saying, Chunt. The only thing is I don't want to accidentally, like, send people the wrong shirts. Like, I don't want to get the wires crossed, and we're accidentally killing our listeners and teleporting evil people to us. Yeah, that's fair.

that's fair so i'm all totally into it and in fact i'm willing to commit to a sacred promise that we'll do an episode where we magically bring people with our shirts onto the podcast at least like one like a pop in from one or two just to see how it goes yeah let's make sure we get the magic right before we do it get them that's arnie bless your heart get the magic right i think that's our motto for the next few months sure let me write that get the magic right now if we're worried about the shirts being crossed. We could make a shirt that says, this shirt is for evil.

And then when you put it on, it doesn't fit right. You think you ordered a 2x,l. It's really just a medium. And evil will look like fools. Oh, my goddesses. That's brilliant. And maybe, like, the armholes are, like, in the chest in the back. So they're trying to put it on.

They're like, what the fuck? What a bunch of morons. They're like, what the fuck? They're putting their arm through their... You know what I'm saying? Like, what the fuck? I love everything you're saying. The only thing is, what about the side effect?

If some people, maybe they put on a little weight or something and their shirts don't fit, suddenly they're like, oh, shit, have I turned evil? Oh. Hmm. Hmm. Yeah. I think about that. Man, there's a lot of English.

Just with great shirts comes great responsibility. We just have to think these things through. We've got to get the magic right. We've got to get the magic right. Guys, I'm sorry. I know we're, we could talk about these shirts for hours. Okay, let's do it. Are we committing to a whole shirt talk episode?

Is that what this is with no guest? Shirt talk. I know, I'm just saying there's this very striking woman over by the bar. Excuse me. Shooting the shirt, that might be a better name for it. Ma'am, Miss. Arnie, she's out of your guest again. Arne, she's out of your league.

Hello? Hello. Would you mind joining us here at this very table? I mean, I was, you know, pondering to my... myself grieving a little bit, if you will, in my solitude, but I did notice you three gentlemen talking a lot about shirts. And I suppose I could, I could do with the company. Enchanté.

Please, take my seat. I'll sit in a different chair today. Thank you so much. This chair is so much lower than my normal chair. Oh, Lady Dowager. Oh, hello. Nice to meet you, Lady Dowager. Hello, yes.

You might not be able to tell through the veil. but I'm sure my regal bearing, people comment on it. So, yes, you have a veil kind of mostly obscuring your face. Do you mind me asking what that's all about? Well, I'm sure you might have been able to tell from, as I said, my regal bearing, I'm Lady Dowager, a four-time winner of FMEW. F-M-E-W? Oh, that's sweet.

You don't know. Foon's most eligible widow Everyone knows FMEW Foon's most eligible widow Arnie you've never heard of the F-Mews I've never No, Foon's most eligible widow Oh and I imagine

That must be what you're grieving Yes I'm grieving The loss of my dear departed Most recent husband And you know There's just so much So much to think about death the after

the grey the grey the void when you think about it that way do you want to think about shirts or do you want to think about death which would you want to think about death?

Yeah what kind of shirt would you want to be buried in strangely you know no one ever asks me this question but it would be a shirt where I think the holes were in a place where they shouldn't be well

well Arnie Okay, you had a good idea. A hole's were in a place where, like, you'd imagine the holds would be in a certain place, but then they're not in that place. Sure. Yeah, and you're like, what the fuck? You're sort of throwing death an insult back in its face. So you took me out.

Now I'm dead. Look at me. I'm not even wearing a proper shirt, idiot death. Yes, suck on that reaper, as we say. And also, as someone who's been to my fair share of very sad funerals, you know, if it's going to be an open casket, you've got to give him a show. That's true.

You've got to give it. Otherwise, it's like what was it for? You know, when you go to an open casket and it's just like a guy looking the same as, you know, you knew him your whole life. Like what you don't you, wouldn't you want your money back a little bit? Of course. Do you pay to go to these funerals?

Is that what you're suggesting? You'd want your money back? You don't pay when you go to a funeral, Arne? I mean, I guess sometimes you give money. But I, I, I, I, if you don't pay. We don't. You think they put those things on for free? There's not.

Well, no, it's very expensive, but the people who come to pay their respects, I guess they say pay their respects, but it's just... It's right in the name. It's right in the name, Arnie. How do you get past the security guard? Security guards? Yes. You don't have security at your funerals? Anyone could just come in?

I guess so? Wow. Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear. Well, I'm sure all the body's getting robbed. Terrible. People just rob bodies like during the funeral? I mean, most of the time, if they're doing a good open casket, then you want to rob it.

So they're like blinged out bodies. Arnie, you have to contact Reaper Master. You have to get your ticket for the funeral. You have to go through security. They have to see if you have any weapons on you. You have to make sure that you pay all the fees. And if you want a concession while you're there, you're going to pay through the nose for that.

Is there any way to put on a funeral? And look, I'm saying you still want to charge people for the funeral. But can you get around Reaper Master? Because those fees are exorbitant, right? That's kind of the only game in town. I mean, you could buy tickets directly from the dead body, but that's pretty rare for someone to set that up beforehand to have the foresight, I guess.

Some future seers, I guess, some fortune tellers. There used to be Gravehub, but I think they got bought by Reaper Master. Yeah. Unlive Nation, I think. was also one. And of course, if there's no security in place, like, you know, who's going to make sure that you don't go in with over, you know, under 100 millicquarts of liquid on you?

You're not allowed to do that. Oh, yeah. Sure. No, absolutely not. Liquid around a dead body, Arnie? No, thank you. People walking in who had qualms with the deceased in their life, just coming in with liquids to throw in their dead faces.

A lot of people just pouring liquids? My dear boy, I'm starting to think you've never been to a funeral. I guess I have... I mean, I've seen a lot of people die here in food. I guess I haven't been to any funerals now that I think about it. Oh, no, you've never been invited to? Well, it's kind of like, you know, we call it death parties, death parties, death fates, death fates. No.

Death fates. Death fates. We say death fate. Now, lady, I couldn't help but notice. Is your first name, lady, or is Lady Dowager a title? My first name is lady Ah, lady, may I ask If I'm not being overly familiar

You mentioned this was your most recent husband who passed away You've been married before then I have, you know, some people say Seven times, eight times, nine times, who's counting, really I mean, who's You'd think if anything was, who's counting. I think if people say that are the ones who are counting Oh, yes, well, I mean, I find that people who count

spouses are people who've never truly fallen, you know, gotten swept up in the moment of love. That is beautiful. You just love so much you don't even... I love so fiercely. It's like a deep, stinging, burning inside my being. You're right from the tip of my veil to the bottom of my anus. That's how deep the love is. And when you're feeling a burning like that, what are you going to think about, what, three spouses ago?

That's rude Marriage ain't nothing but a number I always say We should get that checked out That's my only And you know I have so deeply loved All of my spouses

Is it my fault That a series of unfortunate events Has occurred I just want to Express my deepest sympathies For all 7, 8 or 9 of your losses Thank you Yes

And I'm just putting something together You said you're Four-time winner of Foon's most eligible widow? Trademark, yes. So you've won this, like, after four of the six, seven, or eight, widowings. Is that what you... Yes, I mean, one actually is so gauche.

I don't consider it a win. I do it for the love of professional widowery. Sure. Oh, I see. Yeah, respect for the grief. Respect for the stoicism. It's the craft. It's the craft.

It's a craft. Not everyone can do it. It's an honor just to be widowed. Is that what you're saying? It is absolutely an honor to be widows. I don't know how it is where you hail from. But widows are lots of, lots of perks. I'd love to hear what some of those perks are. Oh, if you go to a park, people have to give you a bench. Have to give you a bench. Doesn't matter what's happening on the bench. They have to give you the bench. You can usually park your horse wherever you want.

You can park your horse wherever you want. If you're in nature and the animals are being, like say, the birds are tweeting too loud, they have to be quiet. Oh, wow. If you ask them to. I love birds. Also, for some reason, free produce. No. I didn't know that one.

Yes, yeah. That's nice. Now, I can't help but notice that your black veil that you wear in honor of your recently deceased husband. I can't help but notice that it's reversible and then it's white on the other side. Yes, well, what it is is, you know, sometimes love takes you so quickly, used it all. It just sweeps you off your feet and turns you upside down and then you're falling down

a hill of love backwards and you tumble right into a marriage altar. What would you know? Wonderful. You have to be ready. You have to be ready. And, you know, try cleaning. Getting a veil washed is,

it's no, no, no, no, inexpensive business. Well, and I have two veils when you can have one that works for both occasions. For both things. It's a marriage veil. It's a funeral veil. It's actually a microfebair, so you can use it to dust things.

So when you're cleaning up the house with the veil, do you take it off and use it in your hand, or do you just kind of like wipe your face along things? You see, as a widow, I am constantly grieving. So it's sort of like if you see a dirty thing, you just cry over it. And then the veil is there. So you like crumple to the ground.

ground in grief and while you're there you just kind of rub your face along the floorboards a little bit. Constantly, constantly. It's amazing I'm standing at all. And the veil also, you know, it also, if you, as you can see, it's going right now, from my forehead to my knees, standard veil length, standard issue. From the forehead to the knees. Yes. You're right. Forehead to the knees. Yes, from the forehead to the knees. It's a catchy. There's a lot of slogans for veils. Fails are pretty popular, right? You didn't finish this song, from the forehead to the knees. Skeet, skeet, I'm in my grief.

That is traditional widows, widows where we call it. And, you know, if you hitch it down just a little, actually it makes quite a fetching dress. You just pop that whole thing down a little bit, just past the clavicle, fetching dress. Yes, you're prepared for any occasion, it seems. Any occasion? Can I ask Lady Dowager, what has been the, I hope this.

This isn't an insensitive question. What's the fastest turnover time between, you know, leaving a funeral and just being at another wedding? I mean, we have a saying in the widow community. Every funeral is a wedding with the wrong playlist. That is what we say. That is what we say. I know that, you know, there's an old adage that whenever the goddesses close a door,

they open a widow. They do. And I feel like this new version, I think, is a lot more apropos of, like, modern-day widows. Yes, I mean, I think widows can have it all, really. I know there's a lot of talk about like widows can't have it all, but we absolutely can have it all. You can be in your grief, you can be in your stoicism, you can be hitching the dress down past your clavicle, you can be meeting people, you can be falling backwards down the hill of love, you can be getting married again, you can have dalliances in between.

It's all, you know, you can do it all. It's just, it's really down to multitasking. I hate to be technical, but the one thing you can't have is your dead husband. No. No. And that was. You could, but it'd be goche. I'm sorry, gross.

Groh. It would be gross. On that note, let's take a quick break. We have some gross sponsors. Lady Challenger, I have a question for you. Do ask. We're in a magical land. And, and.

Again, I don't know if this is... I feel like every question I want to ask, there's the risk of it being insensitive, so I'm just going to apologize in advance for all my questions. To be fair, to be fair, I'm in a regular land. I think you're in the magical land. Oh, I guess that's true. It's magical for me.

That's the vibe I've been telling you that for 10 years. We keep trying to clarify, but he insists. Yes. I would say a man who doesn't avail himself of his liquids before going into a death fate. That's the magic to me. Yeah, I guess, you know. Have any of your... dead husbands magically come back to life?

Ooh. Oh, you know, sometimes you hear the chains rattling. You know, you go to sleep at night. The wind blows through the curtains. You hear a, you hear a moan, you know, you think, oh, that might be, what is it? Is it the wind outside? Is it a stray cat sound something like, yeah, I should never have drunk that cup of wine you gave me. But who's to really say?

Who's to really say? What are they? I think it's, you know, I think it's probably cats. Hmm. Yes, I mean, I mean, sometimes you hear voices on the wind. They could, it could mean anything. And it's not necessarily a ghost saying, Why did you get married before my funeral was even over?

Yes. I mean, that sounds like exactly the kind of, I think livestock outside the window could say things like, you know, why did you not sign that prenuptial agreement before? the nuptials. Now, lady, how many, if you had to ballpark it, how many of your dead husbands died from glasses of wine? Oh, again, as, I mean, as I said,

I don't keep track of, I am so in the moment. So who knows how many husbands there are? I mean, hypothetically, if they're, people say, people say four to five. Fort to five. People say four to five, but you know, they weren't there. They weren't there. Yeah. And of those four to five, how many of those glasses were given to them by youth?

I mean, if you're asking if I was a loving spouse who would hand give my spouses, their cups of wine, I will not shirk from that. I'm not ashamed of that, no, sir. I will hand them their glasses of wine, kiss them on the forehead, say, I love you, darling. And then is it my fault that three out of four of them had a reaction to it? And John, John didn't have a reaction. He didn't have a reaction. And then, oh, whoopsie, he just got in the path of that rampaging carriage. Oh, dear.

Is that my fault? Lady Dowager, you answer these questions so expertly, as if you've been asked them many times before, sometimes in a court of law. Oh, well, you know, I have never, I have never, no, no comment, no comment. You want to cross-examine yourself, which is refreshing. Yes, well, you know, there's a lot of time alone. when you're in grief, a lot of time to talk to yourself, go, how are you doing? How are you holding up? Where did you say you were again last night? Let's say that again to ourselves. Let's get our story straight, that kind of thing. You see, Arnie, the constables became tired of having to ask so many widows about what had happened, that they started Foon's most eligible widow contest as a way to ask widows questions in a more fun and inviting way. So you come in, you tell them what your talent is, maybe you sing 16 bars of a song,

and then you explain everything you did the night of your husband's murder. Yes. Or death, death. And there's a science round also. Oh. They did add a science round after the first year, after a lot of complaints. Yes.

It's all about, you know, like you can't just be only asking women about their husbands. Right. Oh, yeah. It's a little grosh. Now, lady, I'm looking at you. your dance card here. And it seems that you were

married up until the day before the F-Muse every year that you won it. I guess I just assume when you said you'd won several times it was all right in a row, but it was, but I had to assume that you were a widow that whole time. It seems like you were married

right before. Oh, she's fainting. I'm sorry, it's just the memory, the memory, it's such a, it's really one of the more dark periods of my Like, yes, you see how the veil can be used to fan oneself back after a painting self.

Yes, yes. It's just, it was, it was the worst of luck every year, year on year, just short of completing a year of marriage. Yeah. And tragedy. Tragedy strikes again. To become a widow right before the F news.

To become a widow right before, I mean, do you think I want, of course I didn't want it? Of course I did. I want what every woman wants to grow, old with the spouse she married and slowly see them, you know, turn into someone you don't fully recognize

and aren't really that attracted to anywhere and they're wasting, you know, their time on horseshoes for the horses. That's what they're spending their money on. They've got like a horseshoe collection. Who does that? Who does a horseshoe collection? And you're like, oh, and you see the horseshoes

in you're like, oh, oh, God, they're heavy and I have good shoulders. I could just say, you know, when he's turned around, I could just like, I could just, ah. And, you know, so, I mean, who doesn't want that? I want to grow old with the spouse. Arnie, do you hear her romance isn't dead?

And, you know, they're very... Sure. As the vows go here in Foon, I now pronounce you married for, you know, however long you want. Death, no obstacle. So... Death no obstacle.

Death no obstacle. Yes, well, I had forgotten that part of the wedding vows. And you know what that reminds me is that, is that if death is no obstacle, then aren't you continuing to be married to these gentlemen long past their death dates? I mean, in my heart, absolutely. Absolutely, in my heart,

I am a raving, maligamist, water. I can see you're getting the vapors again. Oh, fail, fail, fail. Yes, yes, yes. Quickly, some water for this widow with the vicarious. papers. Thank you for not lifting the veil. People are very intrigued by

a widow's jawline. That, I mean, that does make me want to ask. I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with. I just want the information, like, who gets to ever see your face? Do you have to marry you to get to see your face, or

just catch you during a rare period of time when you're not widowed? Well, I have not been not widowed for, yes, in a marriage phase, in a spouse may see your face and you know like you know like if you're just like it's like a but like a date like if you're like on a date can you can you know you meet uh there's person in the stable new stable hand looking good you know they can look to your face so you like the stable boy that here at the here at the inn here at the tavern Rian Rian Rian Rian yes yes yes yes he's a oh he's a

energetic, energetic boy. Energetic. And built like a brick shithouse. Oh, my God, yes. Let me tell you. Let me tell you. I climb that one like a redwood. Oh, wow, like a redwood.

Yes. Of course, you must understand the veil was off at the time. So it's kind of like when the veil's off. You can't work 24 hours a day, eight days a week. No, you can't. I mean, and really it's like what a widow does in her private. A widow's time is her own. A widow's time is our own.

Yeah, what a widow does. What a widow does? Who a widow does in her private time is her own private kingdom. And, you know, it's like, so it's, it's very much like a hall pass. Vail off tits out, we say. Did you say a whole pass? A whole pass, yes. Oh, a hall pass.

No, not a whole pass. Of course. I was being crass. I thought you said a whole pass. Like you're in the whole of grief and you cut the whole pass. Yes, yes, yes. past to come out of the whole of grief. Yes. That's what we were all thinking.

Yes. But that's the only other, the rest of time, it is solemn contemplation. Sure. Of course. Grief. Keening. Lady Dowager, can I ask if you have a husband die and it doesn't when you win a ward? Is there a feeling of like, oh, shit, that was a wasted one? I mean, I just know that it seems like you've had more deaths than awards. There have to have been a couple.

Oh, the competition actually didn't start until I was on a husband. and four to six. So a recent about, it's when, as was mentioned, when, you know, the investigations of widows had to take a new format. And, I mean, can you imagine going to all the trouble of your husband accidentally dying and then not being eligible? I mean, can you imagine that would be enough to make you kill a, watch tragedy before him all over again?

When is the next award? I guess I don't know what. time of year these awards happen? Excellent question. It's always third harvest moon of the air. Third harvest moon of the air. So that should be next Tuesday.

Oh yes. And your husband just passed away very recently, correct? Yes, it was it was terrible. You probably heard about it. We were going for a walk in the park and then he sort of clutched

his chest. He started coughing. he couldn't, um, he didn't seem to, like, he didn't seem to quite realize that something was going on, but he grabbed my hand really hard, and it was coughing, and then, um, and then he coughed, and a piece of food came out of his mouth, and then, and then he was fine, and then he tripped backwards onto my knife. Oh, dear. Oh, my goodness. Well, you'd hardly blame yourself a, uh, uh, lady should never leave the house without a knife. That's just basic safety. And I will, lady, I will say that is incredibly sad. I mean, mean incredibly sad. I don't want to, you know, diminish what you went through. I will say

this year, um, just kind of recently, I heard about what happened to Merrill Weeps. And Merrill Weeps, the way she lost her husband, it feels like she has the FMU in the bag this year. Not that it's a competition. I guess it is. Technically, yeah. Yeah, I guess technically it is. Pretty much, exactly. Yeah. It just feels like maybe, I don't know if this is your year. It sounds like Merrill Weeps has is kind of wrapped up. I mean, you know, Merrill Weeps is, she's a dear friend. She's dear, I've been, we've been consoling each other in our griefs. You know, we've, um, we've had some, uh, veils down time together.

Nobody cries like Merrill Weeps. Nobody cries like Merrill Weeps. And, you know, they do say that, like, she really can do it all. I know they say that about Merrill Weeps. Triple threat. Stab, shove and, um, Poison. And even with the veil, you're always like, how old is she actually? Like, I can't like, how old is she?

But, you know, I mean, she's a, a Merrill is a dear friend, and she certainly goes for a flashier, you know, it was a flashy death. Are the judges going to be taken by, you know, slipped on a banana peel fell backwards into a wood chipper? I don't know, I don't know. But, you know, sometimes it's good to look beyond the flash. Sure.

To, like, you know, the classic. Sometimes it's, Merrill has had three to, two, five husbands. And, you know, sometimes I always say it really is a quantity over quality. That's what they say. I believe it's quantity over quality. You know, I'd actually heard that there's a lot of competition this year. I've also heard good things about Lady Glenn closed coffin. Yes. And she, her husband's late, late dogs, she turned them all into a big coat as a, you know, sign of her grief. And that was, that was very, very well played. It was. by Glenn.

But you know what? I think the board, the judging panel, you know, they often surprise you. You know, people always think it's going to go one way and then it goes to Bemabone. It's gone to, you know, go to Bemabone. And you so are not to tell tells at a school, but aren't you a judge this year for the FBS?

Oh, yes. I'm quite honored to be serving upon the board picking this year's most eligible widow. I think it's an important duty that I serve here in Foon. I'm just doing my part for King and Country. You still, please. Please. I did not

please have a seat here next to me. Oh, yes, please, please. Would you care for some, would you care for some veil? Oh, I mean, I don't know if that's appropriate under the circumstances, but all right. She is falling all over here. A widow's veil is her own to give As she will.

So, yes, you shall, might I say, you are looking like an extremely salient judge of grief today. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I've often believed that my demeanour as a powerful wizard, aged and decrepit, though as I seem in my human form, I am a perfect person to peer inside the human heart and say that one is the one who is truly sad about the love.

loss of their husband. And when I look upon you, Lady Dowager, I know that your grief is most real and most profound. I can tell, by the way, you're tearing into that bucket of chicken wings. Yes, I'm just so, you know, it was, it was Ralph's favorite dish. And I'm just, oh my God, is there, is that actually sauce with this? Because it's a bit dry. It's a bit right. It's a bit right. Can we get some sauce over here for the grieving widow? Yes. You do, you do have, may I say you, or you have a decrepit sheen about you that reminds me of, you know, all one to 12 of my late darlings.

So, you know, I think, I feel like we have a, we have, I feel like, is there, I feel like, is there, is that, like, is that, like, is there, is there, is there, is there, is there, is there, is there, is there, is there, is there, is there, is there. Well, I, I, I, as much as I would love to be, uh, your next dead husband. Uh, I must inform you that, uh, I have, uh, I have. have sworn an oath to defeat evil and foon. Therefore, I shan't take a wife until I complete this quest. An unmarriageable man, the widow's bane.

Well, it looks like they brought five increasing levels of spiciness sauces for these wings. So why don't we take a quick break? And when we come back, Arnie, why don't we ask some sad ones? Questions I made. Ah, Arnie, Chunt. I know I sort of skirted the issue of becoming the next, uh, Mr. Lady Dowager. Because I'm three... I think you should take her name.

I do agree. Well, shut up. I'm 350, I'm 355 years old, and I'm not immortal anymore. I don't want to die. Uh... Well, I haven't defeated evil, so I, I just said some stuff about... you know, I have an oath not to get married. And yes, I asked Jen Levy to marry me about 17 times.

And of course, she always said no, because she was busy that day. And I was like, we don't have to do it today. We'd actually plan a thing. She'd be like, I'm busy that day, too. I was like, we didn't say a day. We didn't pick a day. And she'd be like, whatever day it is, I'm busy. What was I talking about?

I don't, I don't, I don't, well, you're probably safe if you don't marry her. Although I do wonder, do the judges in this competition? never get murdered, especially if they're ones that the... All the time. Okay. So yeah, yeah, yeah. All the time. A lot of them either get murdered or a lot of them get married

and then they die mysteriously before the next Foon's most eligible widow. Sure. Oh, look at Lady Dowager. She's across the bar with Alex the appraiser. She's having your wand and your potions appraised. That is so sweet of her. What's going on?

Wow. We're achieving get those. Lady Dowager, over here. Oh, hello. Yes, excuse me, yes. I'll be right back. Yes, yes, call me. Call me. Yeah. Hi, hello. Yes. You Sador. Yes. How do you take your wine? Oh, well, I drink only the thickest and stoutest of wines.

Good, thick port. Oh, a winness. A winnice. You like a glass of winnus. Yes, of course. All right. You know, you and I should, we should get a glass. of a winnest sometime. You, me, the bar keep that I just met. That would be delightful. I find you to be quite charming and very urbane and well-spoken.

And I'm sure you know about a lot of different topics. We could spend a lot of time talking about my interest. For interest, for instance, I've started collecting frogs lately. That is fascinating. You see, for an audience, Trunt told me it wasn't fascinating that I was stupid for doing it. Frogs. Oh, what, every woman, the prime of her life long. I, well, I, I think that's such an interesting,

such an interesting hobby, such an interesting hobby. Thank you. Just curious, just curious, no reason at all. I've heard poison frogs. Well, yes, some of them are very poisonous if you lick them or touch their skin. You have to be very careful around them. And do you keep them somewhere like in a crate or somewhere with a, a key, where's the key, like where the key be?

Oh, yes. Well, of course, I keep them in a crate with a key, and the key is, of course, safely in my lockbox that I keep next to my bed, which, you know, you can't get into unless you are spending the night over there. Whoa, careful us is there. Oh, my gosh. You almost

fell right into that knife while seated. That knife attached to this hand that kind of disappears behind your back towards Lady Dowager. I'm so... I'm so sorry. It's my security knife. It just It just, it's kind of like an emotional security knife. Sure.

I travel with it all the time because sometimes it's just overwhelming and you've got to have your security knife. Yeah, Arnie and Foon, if you are traveling anywhere by a carriage or by magic, could be a portal. You're allowed to take weapons with you if they kind of mean a lot to you. Sure. Do people ever lie? People ever just want to take the knife and they're like, I need this security knife. I don't think people would do that. I mean, I guess technically they could, but I don't think anybody in Fun would do that. Oh, okay.

Plus that, the weapon needs to wear a special little vest. Oh. And if you don't, I mean, if you don't take it with you, it goes in a separate compartment. It's kind of cold down there. You don't know how the knife is doing. And then you're like, why did I even, why did I even get a knife? Why did I even get a knife? Like, you know, I was just bored that weekend.

But I am so, so sorry that any harm may have. before in your person. I would not want that to happen before we say the vows. Oh, of course. Before we go for a drink, before we go for a drink. Oh, okay. We said a winness, winness, yes. Yes.

Lady Dowager, I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt this love connection that's happening here, but is there any kind of prize for, or is it just the title? Is it just the pride of the title, or do you win things? Well, you, it's mostly for the prize, for the respect, really. As I said, I'm not in it for the winning. I'm in it for the love of celebrating that I've had so many loves. So it's really, it's really for the title. And, you know, they give you some flowers, which is symbolic of your grief and of your win.

And that's kind of, and like, you know, a house, that's it. Oh, a house. What? You also get a house. You get flowers and then also a house. You get a house, but it's, you know, to be in your, in a state, to be in your grief. But, like, that's not, who cares about the house? Who cares about a house?

Or to yourself where you don't have to see horses or frogs or, like, whatever, you know, and you can just do it. Oh, but you'd like to see frogs, though, because those are fun and interesting, right? Oh, I would love to see frogs so much. I can go say us and get some. I'll be right back. Oh, God, Jesus. Oh, Arnie, you can see her swallowing vomit. That's real love.

No, no, it's just the ripples in the veil. It's just the ripples in the veil. Sure. Oh, God. How many judges are there for the competition? Because maybe, look, I'm just going to be honest with you. You don't want to spend too much time on you, Sador. He's real into those frogs.

Well, just between, there's 10 judges. Oh. And Eustor is the 10th one that I have, that I've I don't know to say track down who wants to say that just ran into you just happened to run into

oh that I've happened to run into and you know it's yes it's a 10 panel of judges for the widow contest we call them the widow masters or the black widows

you know they're like you know they're not they're kind of a team but they're sort of all the hot one on the team the black widows so we're not so far have you given each of them like a widow's peak? All of them

are widows peak all of them we just had a good conversation really I'm going to say a good conversation a widow's peak like you know we were

here's a bunch of them now a lot of these are just common green frogs but it's really interesting because their eyes are set apart at different distances let me show you some of my favorite ones this one's pretty interesting

because his eyes are very close together. Yes, it's so charming how you kind of look like all of them. That's really, that's, it's, yeah, yes, they do say people look like their pets and you do, oh, wow, wow. I've never noticed it before. Gucidore looks like a pile of frogs.

You kind of look like a pile of frogs. Yes, yes, not a single one. Yeah. Good God, no. A whole, a whole pile. Oh, look, this one, this one, this one seems to be seeping something from... Oh, yes, this is my favorite one. I call him Mosey.

And I keep telling you, I swear to the goddesses, that one was a prince. I'm not going to fucking kill him. I'm not going to fucking kill him. Sorry, what? Oh, what are you saying? What? You're not going to kill him? I'm not going to kill him? Is that a spell? I'm not going to kill him? I'm not going to kill them.

I'm not going to curl them. I'm not going to curl my widow bans today under, under the. a bit. I'm not going to curl. I don't think that oozing one is a prince. I think, and I don't think the one wearing a crown making a kissy face as a prince either, because he wants it too bad. I think the one that looks sad and kind of sits in the

corner of his jaw, kind of moping. I think that one's the prince, because he's like, he's like, I don't want to be a frog. I'm supposed to be a prince. You know? Can we just get more chicken? Can we get more chicken? More chicken. The winter's having vapors again. You know what tastes like chicken? Alligator?

frog legs what I keep telling you frog is delicious but my collection let's cook two of them come on well I have a lot of

condo whoa whoa this one's got something in this mouth just ate something on a table let go a judecg

tracking amulet what's a jub the judejee judege e judecgge judgge oh oh

uh uh uh um that That's, oh, that's not, that's not, that's just, you know, it's a, it's a trinket. It's a trinket that I, you know, I stopped by the market, and I, and I thought it would look, you know, offset the veil. That's a very nice. Here, if this is your, I'll go ahead and hand that back to you. Yes, it's just, it's for nothing. So you can track judigiegis, judigis, which are a type of bird.

Oh, so you love birds. I love birds. I'm not familiar with Judica Jee's. I'd love to meet one. I mean, there's so many birds. Yeah, it's, you know, you know, it's, it's, it's got wings. It's got, it's one of those, it's got wings. Oh, those are my favorite birds.

Maybe it keeps pointing at Yusador. Well, that's very flattering. Can you tell your amlet that I'm very flattered but not interested? You're not interested in, in my ambulance? It's very flattered that it's pointing. right at me, but I'm just not interested at this time in the amulet. While I usually love

a magical item, I just don't need to find a judicagy right now. It's not important to me. Yes, well, you know, I was just bird watching because, you know, it was one of Damien's favorite pastimes. That's why. And I do

I do miss him so much. Oh my gosh. We have to assume she's crying under there. Oh, my God, yes. could have swore her husband had a different name before, but... No, no, it was definitely, definitely, definitely... Was that what I said? I think so.

Yes, Damien, it was Damien. And, you know, he... I, Birdwatch... I watched the Adjudica G's in his honour, because I just, I miss him so much because the grief is still so raw. I'm so sorry. I was so far out of line. please accept my apology

and know for a fact that because of your wonderful demeanor and your kindness I can't imagine that in my mind you are not the forerunner for this year's most eligible widow fucking thank God

all right wow your whole demeanor just changed you're just like really relaxed she's actively packing all her stuff up right now you know what it's just that the grief when the grief comes and goes and then it's really it's taking me right now

don't kick a frog I could kick the frog oh did I poor little thing oh they're jumping at her foot maybe security knife oh no no my frog wow how did she manage to stab seven frogs at once or six to seven

really you know it's just a reflex action because Bob was a night you know expert swordsman Bob was an expert swordsman Bob? Yes, Bob, my late husband's Bob.

I swear to the goddesses you said a different name before. I'm a thousand percent sure it was and has always been Bob. We should trust it. We should trust the widow, a grieving widow, guys. The grief drives me mad sometimes, and I mix up the names of my most recent husband. You know, I loved Timothy, loved him. loved him, loved him, loved him, like, you know, apparently our frog lugs loves to puke up.

And before, do any of you happen to have the contact information of that studly young bartender at the bar? Oh, yes, of course. All you have to do is, well, you could just walk up to him at the bar, but I know that he lives just one house over on the top floor. Okay, I just, I've been looking for a new grief counsellor. Sure. And he really has the dealt with it. Is that an important part of grief counsellor?

Yes, yes, because you see, they say that grief lives in the body. It's not, you know, it's not just a mental thing. It's in the body. So the best way to get it out is to find another body. Then you just, you know, you just go at it and you knock all the grief out. And it doesn't have to be one body. You know, I'm talking. Yes.

One sims, two sims. Sure. Three sims. Bang, bang that grief right out. I can go on, shall I? Group counts. Yeah. Fivesums.

Six sums. Oh, she shall. Sevensums. So if we hear any moaning or groaning tonight from the house next door, second story, we should just assume that this is grief counseling. The sounds of grief. A devil seven sim. Cool.

that's when there's seven of you but one person is trying to summon the devil and you have to rip yourself a poem from whatever delightful thing you're doing and stop them before it happens. But sometimes it's like it's kind of it's more fun because you know they are

that the metaphysical rift could open at any moment. So in short grief. Understood, understood. We shall leave you to your grief and I look forward to the day. Even though You've secured my vote that we shall sit and drink wine together.

Yeah, whatever. What's your name again? Use it all. Okay, right. Bye. What? Yeah. That's a winner.

That's a winner there. So, so charming. I can't help but feeling I somehow got tricked there or fooled, but I suppose that's only me being suspicious and old-fashioned in my way. I must have a more open mind That is my goal For even though I am a great wizard I am steeped in where I come from And sometimes our culture is not as forgiving

As it should be Yeah Well, there's a little drink here It looks like she left for you Poisson I'm more into frogs than fish right now I'll just save that for later Okay

My main takeaway from all that is when she mentioned one of her late husbands being called Timothy. I thought, now there's a name of unspeakable sexuality and power. Usenar the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Admiral Rify. Lady Dowager was played by special guest Pratima Mani. Pratima writes for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, and you can catch her doing stand-up around New York City. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production,

made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rify. Post-production Coordination by Garrett Schultz,

Associate producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Anna Haverman, Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBann. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.