Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 79 - Still Princess Trachea-Aurelia Belaroth (w/ Megan O’Neill live in Charlotte, NC)

Episode Date: November 10, 2025

The mostly evil Princess Trachea-Aurelia Belaroth returns looking for someone’s life force to suck out.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungPrincess Trachea-Aurelia Belaroth: Megan O’NeillMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSpecial Thanks to the Blumenthal Performing Arts CenterListen to Arnie’s Christmas music podcast No Skip Christmas!New T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

A quick plug before we get started. Arnie wants you to know he has a new podcast miniseries on Christmas music called No Skip Christmas, with new episodes every Tuesday from now until Christmas. Another podcast. This. This is what will fix the climate crisis. The first two episodes are out now with guests Justin McElroy and Helen Zaltzman. That's No Skip Christmas.

Here's hoping it's no skip podcast. Find it wherever you find podcasts. Link in the show notes. The following episode was recorded live in Charlotte, North Carolina on September 27, 2025, at the Blumenthal Arts Center. It already happened. It's in the past. There's no one doing it now. Sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, I love you. Am I moving too fast? Was that too soon to say that I love you? Look, I don't know, look, I don't know what's going to happen with us between me and you, new listener.

And it's possible you will never subscribe, you will never listen to another moment of this show. But let's just have tonight. For the rest of you, hi! Thanks for coming out. I have never seen more pink-adjacent polos in my life. All right, look, if you've never listened to the show before, this is sincerely everything you need to know.

Over, somehow, against all reason, over 10 years ago. And also, if you're new to the show, every two sentences, everyone needs to cheer. Over 10 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift,

and I used that to upload a podcast recorded in the magical land of food. Now, usually we're either in Hog's Face or Nibble Bottom or someplace like that in the Vermillion Minotaur or the Wanderlost. We're in a different tavern today, and don't shout anything out yet. I am going to pick someone, but start thinking, like, I'm not familiar with the name of this tavern, and it's a two, technically a three-word name.

It's the blank-blank, and I was wondering, you, sir, what tavern are we in tonight? too much to drink already sir not enough we are in the not enough so this episode is recorded in the not enough which is a phrase that has never been said about this podcast before

We're usually recording in the too much, too much of that. Maybe the not enough plot progression. But we're recording in the tavern, the not enough, where we all are tonight. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, my good bud, my cousin, John the Talking Badger! Oh, yeah, baby. Wow, Arnie. I have never seen so many pink adjacent polo.

I know. Too much, almost. Almost too much. I know. You know where we should have gone to. We should have gone to the pink adjacent, which is... Oh, I love the pink adjacent.

It's so close to here. Oh, my gosh. such good mixed drinks yeah at the pink adjacent you're like I'm sort of coming up because we're gonna get something like a party started

yeah is that right yeah it's adjacent to right yeah yeah that's enough for me how you doing buddy welcome to the not enough thank you thank you thank you it's a weird name for it ever it is yeah

it's almost like whoever named it was didn't intend it to be that. Yeah. It feels like a dangerous bar to go to because I don't think there seemed to be a sign

out front that said we don't cut you off. That's true. Which seems... Yeah. Dangerous. It is dangerous. And Thune is full of danger.

You know, Arnie, I just came from the dating pool. Oh. You came from the dating pool? Arnie. You salty. dog

I won't know I just can't I'm putting my as you know or may not know I'm putting myself back into the dating pool as I stepped into the dating pool

which is not too far from the bar get wet yes who so coquettishly screamed get wet it sounded like a toddler

Diper get wet with you. Huh? Diper get wet. That's never mind. I just, I, as I step back into the dating pool to get wet, thank you so much. I got a pair of these guys.

Oh. And these will let me know if I match with someone. Oh. So, Arnie, if I go running offstage tonight, Okay. Looking like I'm doubled over in pain. Sure. It's not because I'm physically ill.

Yes. It's because I got a notification for the dating pool. Oh. So if you run off stage at some point during the show, it's not that you're going to get nasty. Now you're going to get nasty. Yes, yes. It's not that I've been sick for the last three days.

It's because I'm going to get nasty. Yeah. So do you have, am I interpreting this correctly, instead of socks you are wearing full-on, uh green fish that have devoured your feet you put it perfectly oh do you want to partake in the dating pool yeah um

I prefer to like be adjacent I like to be adjacent to the dating pool I love hearing what's going on in the dating sure sure well next adjacent to the dating pool is the watering hole uh huh if you want to water you whole.

You know what I'm saying? Is that like a... You know what I'm saying? Is that like a milk-milon-lemonade thing? What do we eat? What's the milk-milmonade thing? On food, you don't... Well, look, I hesitate to talk about

milk-milon-lemonade. There is a toddler present. You don't have milk-milk-milon-in-fune? I guess if you let me know what it is, I could let you know if we have it. We have milk and we have lemonade. Okay. All right, well, now I have a follow-up question.

If one were to, you go around the corner, is fudge made? Seems like it's some sort of chocolate shop. A chocolate shop? Yeah. So, depending on where the dairy producers are located. Sure. It's not always around the corner.

Sure. And sometimes there's too. Two chocolate producers next to each other. Oh. And that's a real treat. Sure. A dairy treat. Yeah.

So I guess for me it would be milk, lemonade, fudge, fudge. With my current predicament. One milk. One milk. One lemonade, two fudge. Is this what you thought you'd see? So I'm so excited. I mean, it is appropriate that we're talking about this too much in the too much.

Oh, sure. But there is no too much. Oh. You know what? I already forgot the name of this tavern. This is, oh, this isn't the too much. This is the not enough. Well, you know why I was thinking too much because I was going to introduce my friend who is, let's be honest, too much.

But he is enough. My good buddy, Usador the Wizard. I am Usador. Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos,

champion of the great halls of Taracus, the elves, nobius, fian, yalloc, the dwarves, nobius, Zonanuk, Stengis. Shut up! that I am known throughout the northeast as Gasuania's Mastar

And lo, let it be known That no matter how many names I say How many titles I am bestowed How many monikas I take on It shall always be Not Enough Hey Arnie Yeah?

No, never mind. It's too much. Oh. Chant, what is it? I want to know. Chun, you could never be too much. You're always right there at the edge. Thank you.

I'm always edging. Egy or edgine? Okay. Okay. I just thought maybe you sort could do his intro again and make it too much. Oh. It is weird. For the first time,

I felt like Eustor's introduction was not enough. Like he was holding back because he didn't want to be too much. Yeah. But also, I do want to point out, before, before,

I never noticed when Eustor's nervous he plays with his hair. Yeah. And look at that neck beard. It is. It is hard to tell if that beard is coming from his face or his chest.

How did I, how did I never know? notice that Usador Let's not. Let's not. No, my bad. My bed.

But before we get past this point, I do want to point out something that I noticed. I appreciate, people in the tavern clearly are familiar with Usador because there's a lot of people yelling out responses to your secret names

or not so secret names. But I will say I noticed some elves and they want ham on that fangy yelling, which is the right one. And I appreciate that. Oh, that's elvish for milk, milk, lemonade. Run the corner of which is made.

Could I make an intro so big even I couldn't lift it? let's find out Yes Usador Just to prepare for it appropriately Chunt let's talk for about 10 to 15 minutes

before you bring up Sure, sure sure sure What else? What else? What else? What else? What else? What else?

And I realized I said Fangiali they did appropriately to do Fian Yelik which is Fangi Yelik Anyway, oh, we're floundering. Ladies and gentlemen, he's too much. Ladies and gentlemen, Yusinor the Wizard. Pooping, I think.

I am Yusida! Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of the light and shadow manipulator of magical delights devourer

of chaos what's the rest of it go manipulator manipulator of magical delights sometimes I'm Brad sometimes I'm um

we better start over we better start over I better start over I better start over Hey Arnie My maiden name was Vandercluster, something like that. That felt nice, but it also felt like it wasn't too much. It was like he was getting real theatrical.

Yes. That's true. Does that make sense? I hope he can't hear us critiquing him right now. I don't think he can. I don't think he can. I'm sure he's going to nail it this guy. He's going to nail it.

But I'm so excited to bring back to the tavern, my good buddy, Yucin or the Wizard. Ooh. I am Usador. Oh, he's doing it like a dramatic monologue. Wizard of the twelfth realm of Ephesus. Master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos,

champion of the great halls of Tarakas. The elves know me. As fian yalloch, the dwarves know me. As Zodunuchstengis, and I'm no. throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Mastar. And there may be other secret names.

Names that if I Air did dare, Air to dare. To utter them loud, most assuredly each and every one of you here would weep a single tear as you realized

your death was eminent. And you felt your very brain swell within your skull until your skull burst open and your brain popped out of your head and turned you and said, goodbye. And ran off into the woods

ne'er to be seen again. The last thought you would have was the fuck? Should I strike my own chair? No, and we'll let you know. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, one second. Did you also want to hear 16 bars of a song?

Well, hold on. 60 bars of a song? 16. Hold on. This is a big one. Are you willing to shave? I'm not. I'm sorry, I can't shave.

Okay, then we'd like to hear the song. You can't shave? You can't shave. I'm not willing to shave. Oh, okay. I can shave. I won't. The weird part is he is reading for the part of flower.

We would like to hear the song, or at least two of the bars. I am the very model of a modern major general of information, vegetable, animal, and mineral. I know the Quadrant Attic theorem and many sites historical, from Marathon to Waterloo and order categorical. Have we told you about Marathon and Waterloo here in Food? No. Two very famous battles. one, it was Marathon was just one guy chasing

another guy with a sword for miles. It sucked and nobody should do it. Waterloo was a minor skirmish over a bathroom. What's going on? Not much. Chun is getting back into the dating pool.

Oh, oh, wonderful. That's great. Are you are going right into the deep end there? I went into the deep end. Arnie. I went into the deep end and of course got some feelers on so we'll see if I get any nibbles.

Wonderful. Wonderful. You went into the deep end first then got some feelers on? Yeah. That's the wrong order. I made the offer to Arnie. Would you like to join me in the dating pool sometime? I'd love to join you in the dating pool.

What are you looking for? What am I looking for? I'm looking for a meaningful relationship, something I can really sink my teeth into. A lot of people in the tavern averting their eyes right now. I hope that if I have as much love to give, that I will receive that love in return.

But I do not put some sort of qualifier on it. I simply wish to give it love and see what happens. Yeah. And would you want that partner to join you in your quest? Well, they'd have to join me in my quest. I said no caveats, but that's the one, that's a deal breaker. Yeah. If you're not going to go on the quest with me to defeat evil,

you ain't, you ain't gonna play here. What if they've got their own quests? That's just as important as your quest. Oh, I'd, oh, I, Arnie, I'd love to join someone else's quest. What are you talking about? If one of you came to me with a quest, a non-romantic quest, I would still... Oh, okay.

Still, well, I'm just saying it doesn't have to be a romantic. I'm saying I'm open to all sorts of quests. It doesn't always have to be my quest. It's not all about me. I'd love to, if someone came in and he's like, we have to go kill this dragon because it's, it's pestilence upon this town. I'd say, let's do it. Then do you want to help me fight evil?

And then be like, maybe. But wouldn't that quest kind of feed into your quest? Like if a dragon is terrorizing a town, isn't that still evil? Sure, yeah. Maybe that wasn't the best example. Well, some other kinds of quests I could go on. quest for knowledge quest for peace

Superman 4 quest for like the best sandwich oh I love all of these tell me more about this quest for peace Superman 4 look if I'm being honest

it's the worst quest it's the worst quest it's the worst quest you're telling me it's worse than Superman 3 you wouldn't you wouldn't think but it is

Oh, wow. It's somehow worse. Interesting. At least two old people like me in this tavern know what I'm talking about. All right. Well, I would gladly go on a quest for knowledge. Do you have a quest for knowledge of mine? Is there an ancient library that's gone missing in a sandstorm or something like that or that sort?

Oh, I mean, that's a great one. I was thinking more like trying to find the dirtiest limerick. That's still, I was trying to sugarcoat it. That's still not. right? Because you'd know it. There once was a man from food. Okay, this would go a lot of ways.

With his lover, he did like to spoon. Okay. He turned her around. She'd make quite a sound, as he'd put it right in his pocket. That's right. I forgot the limerick rules are different. in food.

Wow, the perfect limerick. A, B, B, C. Wait, I'm tired. Did I not do it? I thought I did limerick. A, A, B, B, C. A, A, B, B, C, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone knows. C.

It'serotorah, La, La, Therio Tothoia, It's a bee for hold her own the hand Would the take the pocket I think in Elvish It doesn't translate Yeah it's hard The rhyme schemes gets weird Eustanor, have you ever been

To the Not Enough before No Saw the sign Walked right by that doesn't seem like that's for me oh yeah that's like I saw a bar called the unhorny rascal no thanks

yeah and I'm just like in what ways is he a rascal I think rascal was meant to be sarcastic oh have you been to their sarcastic rascal have you been to sarcastic rascal have you been in a sarcastic rascal

oh yeah that's great have you been there Rani Arnie it's a great bar Arnie it's a great bar you gotta go You simply must. Yeah, you must go. Arnie, you have to go. I feel like I'm getting mixed messages here.

Oh, are we? Ooh. Boo. If people want to send us mixed messages, they can email me at chunt with six t's at gmail.com during the show. Arnie. I took your phone.

Oh. Look, what word should I? type into your phone. What was it? Grindr. Whoa, it already came up as an app. Is that a... Is that a quest?

Is it how to make sausages? I guess. Kind of. Kind of. Because I understand it. Well, yes, we want that sausage. We want that sausage. We want that sausage.

Be careful, though. We're in a quasi-Republican area, so it's probably crashed. Athenios, ethoccal hath. Aetotuth chunt garrined that the tot to hathar, one-night stands. Is he talking to some sleepy attention? Italians over there? Oh, so the haunt of who. Hey,

sumia, Mario. Ernie, if you haven't been to this sleepy Italian, Oh. Belisima. Belisima. All right. Guys, look. There's been something on my mind

that I've... I think I just had to need to come out and say it. I'm a little bit terrified about our guest tonight. Oh, shit. We have a guest? Yeah. Yeah.

We have a guest that is kind of powerful and also, I guess, sort of evil. Oh. And I'm just a little nervous to bring her out. Okay. Can we just agree to have each other's backs? Yes. And if our guest needs to kill anybody, let's deflect them towards the rest of the table. Good plan.

Honestly, maybe towards the elves because it's hard for you to do order to translate everything. That's true. I mean, they're beautiful or immortal. They'll probably be fine. So, yeah, let's point, yeah, push them that way, for sure. The elves are doing the classic elf,

not me, pointing to their nose. Oh. Okay, look, before we bring our guest out who sometimes murders people, and this is a weird, thing to ask a full tavern full of people look none of you want to be murdered but if we had

to have a few okay a couple we got a few hands up a couple hands up people are ready okay you can't volunteer someone else to be monitored hold on this is the happiest person I've ever seen it's a real thumbs up you can volunteer someone else to be murdered and you definitely

cannot come up on stage at the tavern. Okay. All right. I think we're in a good spot. Now, I'm going to bring out our guest who's probably been backstage, being like,

aren't they fucking praying? They keep starting this introduction. Might be asleep by now. Who knows? But they are royalty, so they expect a certain amount of pomp and circumstance, a real big cheer from the crowd when they enter the room.

Ladies and gentlemen, the co-ruler of the Northeast, Princess Trakia Aurelia Belleroth Lower Your Majesty Your Majesty Your Majesty Your Majesty?

Arnold I would It's irony I would go lower But I have a I do have a torn meniscus. A torn meniscus, how absolutely delicious. Okay.

Arnold, rodent, wizard, what absolute agony to see you all again. The agony is all ours. As it should be. So it's been a while. And I keep, now you're, is it still princess? It unfortunately is still princess. Trachia, Aurelia, Belleroth.

That doesn't seem fair, because your brother... My brother. What of him? Well, he's considered king now, so I thought of your co-rulers that you would be... Yes. Queen.

One would think. However, when it came time for us to be co-rulers, he happened to unearth an old, foonish decree that a woman must have a life partner in order to ascend to full

co-ruler. Damn these archaic laws! Archaic. Wait, but he's the king. Can he just change the law? That's what I said to my brother. And you know what he did? What?

He turned up the corners of his mouth and he laughed. He laughed. Almost like he knew. Arnie and Foon, loft is laughed. Oh. Ero to do a loft. Eikothu laughed.

I've been scouring the lands to find my life partner. Oh. To no success as of yet. Well, well, well, well, well. Can I ask, Your Majesty, what are you looking for? Well, like with any life partner,

what I want is someone with a powerful life force that I can bind to my own life force while slowly draining their life force so that I may live forever. Sounds like marriage. What is it? What is it? The 42-640s? So you're looking for someone to simplify that. Let's think about

we were going to like put it on like a post or something to sort of put out what you're looking for. Like a large log where people carve their dreams. Yeah, exactly. We're just going to put a big log with the princess's dreams on it? Yeah, and you've got to put that out into the universe. You're looking for someone with

a lot of life force, which I'll be the first to admit, does not include me, so I'm out. Yes, I've heard of the meniscus. I know. You've got one meniscus in the grave already. I know. No. Not to be confused with biscuit meniscus, one of Usador's secret names.

True. Is that one of my secret names? I thought so. It is. You always think that's the one that we've forgotten, but you've forgotten which one we've forgotten. And it's not... Look, I've got a lot of names. There are some I forget because I just forget them.

And some I forget because of magical spells. Sure. That's it. so you're looking for someone with a lot of life force and you haven't you haven't had any success so far finding someone with a lot of life force that you're interested in I have tried binding my life force to the life force of several others and unfortunately they drained rather quickly

I don't I don't mean to seem naive can you walk me through the binding process like of course what does that look like binding your life force ancient tradition that involves me making a large jagged cut across the forearm to tap into your life force

I then lash our arms together harness the lightning of the dark priestess have it strike down upon our arms where in which then your blood flows into mine until you take your last breath it's beautiful dating is so much work Do you write poetry?

Only on my logs that I put out into the universe. Oh, wow. That's beautiful. It feels like there's a lot of poetry experience in what you're saying. Thank you, Rodent. I didn't expect that level of appreciation from a creature such as yourself. Oh, thank you. I do have quite a tender artist soul. Yeah, I could see you as like a name.

nasty goth teen bitch like you know they call me Trachia Princess Belaroth that you're nasty Usador

Is it just me Or are they vibing Yeah I seem like I'm vibing a little bit Yeah I mean Chunt just did Just get back in the dating pool All right Anni

Get over here Give them some space Oh sure yeah Hey Trachia Yes There's a tradition here This is a better chair This is a good chair for royalty.

You haven't placed some device on your chair that will make a fart-like noise when I sit, have you? No, I make all my farts myself. Yes. We take great pride in the fact that we need no external device to create our own flatulence. Yes. They're all homemade, so to speak.

Well, thank you. This is a very nice chair. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You got a little life force on your face. Well, I only recently completed a ceremony before I came out here, but that poor gentleman, let's say,

was more than just one meniscus in the grave when I tried to get a quick fix. Sure, yeah. I don't always get to sit by you. Oh. Hey, buddy, how you doing? A little less bird shit. Well, no, I was going to say.

I actually get some extra on there today. Don't worry about it. So your majesty or queen or whatever Do you write a lot of poetry Do you know any limericks? I know a few There once Was a woman from the realm

When she bent you over She was at your hell She gave it a steer You spit out your beer And then we all died Whoa Holy shit that might be the dirtiest limit I've ever heard And it was perfect AABBC

Perfect structure Yes Whoa That was That was Thank you incredible thank you

I like how you just moved like a dolphin I found it pleasing thank you I was trying to move with porpoise yeah Usador

there's no chance he's gonna die no way not a chance so What else? Usador, they're floundering. Is there anything you can do to, like, bolster the mood for them?

What I'm saying is, is there anything you can do to help and not me? I can cast a spell of romantic lighting. Eroth to-do, caroth-to-do. Help me, elves. Erot-to-do and ha-l-la-ha. K-z-rah, whatever will be, will be. The music's not hard to see

It's a rise around Oh my goodness, it works The lighting got so much more romantic Really? Yeah, I don't see it. Way more romantic. I sense no change. No, very romantic.

Don't worry. Trust us. So. I was a wolf. once. Wow. Ooh, sorry, I'm sorry. Oof, I'm sorry. When I was 13, my father cast me out into the

wilderness and I could not return until I had killed a wolf, skinned it, and fashioned a cloak from it. I saw that. Really? Yeah. Well, I saw a wolf die. Yeah. It could have been a different wolf. I finished my task in but six

hours. My brother took three days. And yet he gets a title. Yeah. And I just sit here, titleless. If it makes you feel any better,

Princess Tricky, Aurelia. Your brother's kind of a dick now. Yeah. Oh, now. Now you've realized he's won. Well, yeah. Well, why do you think I even agreed to come here,

Wizard? The enemy of my enemy is someone I still very much want to destroy, but will wait and see if my enemy does it first. Right back at you.

She is a poet It sucks how hard women have it in food You should at some point try going to Earth Arnie, you said women on Earth have it fucking made Arnie, you said women on Earth have it fucking easy street It's never been better for women No one thinks about men Is that what you said? I don't think so

Look, what I said is women on earth, every single one of them deserves a fucking maid. Preferably a male maid. Arnold. It's just maids all the way down. These women on your earth, do they have an easy time leading? Do people accept them as their leaders without these three, frivolous hoops to jump through like life partners and

whether or not you're kind enough and murder too much and are just too dark and we don't relate to you I can't speak to Earth but generally murderers aren't great leaders we don't tend to lean that way well

some would some would disagree look women on my world have it horrible like they're they're capable of being great leaders but yeah society or some of society is resistant to that well

I think we're learning a lot tonight Arnie we might be learning but you're killing the vine oh shit wait okay hold on Usador I hate to do this but you have to tell a limerick I don't blame you one bit it's the exact right move to say

the move yes okay there once was a man named King Cole who had an incredibly big role he didn't know where to put it and nothing rhymes with put it but he did put it in a button-up bag A, A, B, C. How was roll spelled? How was what? How was roll spelled? All the ways.

He had a big roll. Very important person with a lot of bread. Usador. Back on Earth. No, we don't talk about it much. I did do some improv comedy. So what I'm going to do is the most powerful powerful move in all of improv.

Oh, shit. The unnecessary walk-on. Excellent. Hello. I'm just talking to the two of you while nothing happens. Hello, hey. I will be your waitstaff tonight.

Oh. You're going to be the whole weight staff. I'm going to be the whole weight staff. Wow. I was not aware they had weight staff at the Not Enough. Can I get you anything to drink? Or have you had a chance to...

Do you want to hear about our special? Excuse me. Excuse me I have an issue with my order This is not my station Well hold on Hold on In this young man's defense

You are the wait staff Sorry about that Yes I'm so sorry to bother you Young gent But I found this a bird in my soup. Don't say that so loudly. Everyone will want one.

Isn't that? Isn't that? But you snore. You snore. I think it might have worked. You don't mind if I go on Arnie's phone, right? No, please. I've aligned them against a common enemy. Me.

Excellent. Excellent. You should head back over there immediately. Yeah, go, go, go, go, go, okay. I don't, I don't know if this is forward of me. So many matches on Grindr. Speaker of the mouth? Arnold, I had no idea you were seeking sausages. I'm a hungry boy.

That's what it says in your profile. Yes. Look, I just... It's actually a limerick. Do you want to read it? No, why don't you go ahead? It's right there in front of you. I don't have my glasses.

Oh, is that the problem? I'm a hungry boy who's 49. Won't you be mine? I'd love to see you, do what you do. Let's meet up and fuck. Waiter. Excuse me, waiter.

Oh, no. Oh, no, literally, you literally startled. Oh, no, you startled my meniscus. Oh, no. Young man, you seem to be a mage of some sort. Yes, how can I help? Can you cast a spell in his meniscus? It seems to have...

I wasn't going to fucking do anything. Did that help? I'll say yes. Sure, yeah, I wouldn't. Look, I seem to have hurt myself, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to be replaced as the wait staff here. Oh, good.

Luckily, I've been being... I've been being... I've been being shadowed by this wizard who will be able to take all of your orders. Look at that neckbeard. I understand that you've come to dine here today. We've come to die here? Dine.

Yes. That's less appealing. If you wish to die, I can also make that happen. For I am a great wizard who's doing this job just to pay the bills. A great wizard. How dare you? Is this one of those restaurants that also? also has a comedy show.

Can I get you some bread to start and maybe a drink? I will have a glass of tears of a eunuch. Tears of a eunuch, and for you, sir? Just piss. Piss and tears of a eunuch. Two of our all-time bestsellers. You know, Rodent,

My father was a piss drinker. Ooh. What vintage? Self. Awesome, that's awesome. That's awesome. Someone get to the wiki immediately. This is the most important canonical detail we've come across in a long time.

King Bellaroff drank his own piss. Oh, and princess, princess, I have some Yes I have some questions just off the top of my head This is a question Another sort of personality inside me Called Hannah wants to ask What's your favorite color and why?

You have a small girl inside you Who wants to know about my colors No one says that My friend My favorite color is a dull white. Adult white? No. A dull white, which is the color that casts over someone's retinas right before their last breath of life escapes their body.

It's euphoric. You know, a dull, like Arnie's old friend on Earth. Oh, yeah. A dull. Yeah. That half-era piece of shit. Oh, object work. It's been a minute.

Usenor, can I see you in my office, please? Mine's hot. How can I help you? Oh, that might be the piss. Clinkies. Usenor, we've been getting some complaints about you from the customer. Yeah, yeah. Apparently you've been

somehow over-enunciating and hard-to-hear at the same time. And you have an... It's true! And you have an all-time record for saying, how dare you to the customers? Almost every table.

Okay. What's your favorite sound? Mine's like... Blah-l-l-l-l-l-l-p. I'd have to say, I like that. I like your sound. Let's do our sounds at the same time.

One, two, three. What sweet music then? Rather melodious. Rather melodious. So it sounds like you don't want me to work here anymore. No, I'm not saying I don't want you to work here anymore. We value you here at this restaurant. We just wish you were better.

But if you do, do you need help? Do you need mentorship? I have to be totally honest with you. This job and this place for me, it's not enough. Oh, shit. I think the wizard just quit. Yeah. I'm so sorry. Your waiter took this. No, no, no, no. Go back and sit down. We'll come to you. Yes. Yes. Yes. You know, isn't it annoying when a waiter comes and sit down at your table?

It's rare that you come down and sit down at a waiter's table. Yeah. Well, at least you didn't put your hat backwards and look at an empty plate and go, I see you hated it. Yes. I'm very, I'm so sorry. We really value, we really, it's important to us to have good. Are you going to cry? I'm going to cry. Look, if I'm being honest, this tavern is barely holding on. Oh no, you're not making enough?

We are not making enough. And unfortunately, your waiter took this job and shoved it. Oh, no. And he's not working here no more. Oh, no. I wish I knew that song. if I'm being honest that's all of it I know

that might be all that there is oh man well I was just having drinks with this awesome beautiful princess sorry it's all right it's not your fault but your wings are

your wings look crazy thank you I actually I had my wings done since the last time you saw me you would never guess I know. You would never guess. I had them done. I had them done.

Is that a person? Stop right there. I see through your trickery now. Once I cast off this menial labor, I realized these were all the machinations of none other than Princess Tricky Aurelia herself, tricking us into thinking we were running a restaurant just to wear us down so she could make us, let her have our life force. Oh, no.

enchanted and it's gone. My career. My career is a business owner. It's just all disappearing. And now I'm just a fucking content creator. Errotov content. Eretur of middle age. And a tara can't offer the best it shall ever get.

What an absurd act. Do you think I would use my magnificent powers to just make you all think that you were working at some pantomime restaurant? To come in here and addle our minds, confuse us, throw us under the bus, yea, indeed, I think that thou wouldst do such a thing. Well, you're correct. And I siphoned off ten years' life force from each of you. Oh, well, that's not that bad. I think I'll be okay Did you do that to me

Like a long time ago I've done it to you Each time I've been in your presence Oh that explains so much You're on the show so early I finally reap what I've sewed So you're saying You're saying almost everything

Tonight has been a lie Please tell me not the thing about the piss Too Not everything has been a lie I am in need of a life partner and I

did like your dolphin maneuver and I did find your favorite noise pleasing to my ears I don't know it just kind of works right yeah I don't know it just

works Well, I don't want to get between you two You're literally between you two. I can't let you kill my best friend, but against all reason, I sort of like the energy you two have together. Here's what we'll do, if you're amenable to it. Let's go to another bar or something,

or maybe it's a dance club or something, have fun, see what happens, and Arnie, the whole night you watch from a stool to make sure nothing happens to me. Okay. Can you sit on a stool and watch? I mean, that's what I'd do best. When I said I like to be adjacent to the dating pool, that's what I meant. I like to watch. That sounds kind of fun. I've had worse offers of how to spend my time. Which offers? How worse?

Well, I once had a potential life partner asked me to go to a group game night. Oh, that sounds fun. A night where we all brought our own carcass of a deer and had to blindfold one another while we attempt to butcher it, and I've never seen such amateurism. It's like they've never been inside a body cavity. Disgusting.

That's what I thought it was going to be. There once was a princess who was a witch who just as soon throw us in a jitch. It turns out she likes chunt. So I'm destroying this evil. I'll punt. Even though I still think she's kind of a pain in the ass. what are you got

I got some more questions I don't ever get to sit by you I know this is from Wesley question for the fabulous blue wizard that's me oh how's the long leaf this time of year

do you prefer any particular strains oh well of course I of course enjoy a good smoke for now and again I would say if you even though the name is not quite becoming bottom leaf is actually quite good this year

Is it just me, princess? Are those two Vibing? That's a show! That's a show! Was that what a wonderful performance applause, or this ordeal has finally ended applause, We'll never know.

User or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chontha-talking Badger was played by Adderafi. Princess Trakia Aurelia Belaroth was played by special guest Megan O'Neill. Check out Megan's non-profit, Underwire, which hosts events to inform and empower female voters in North Carolina. You can learn more on their Instagram page at Underwire NC. Special thanks to everyone at the Blumenthal Performing Arts Center. As they like to say, support the arts and everything will.

be Blumenthal. All right. There's a special shirt commemorating this live show. Ah, like a war memorial. Available in our dashery store. So, if you want a shirt with Arnie, Usador, and Chunt lounging in the dating pool, there's a link in the show notes, Creepo. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode. Another teeny tavern hosted by Momo, the mouse and you both like check your little button pockets like oh no no we don't have oh no we don't have oh and then like you have night terrors about when you flew from the shirt and so you're screaming and

like flailing your arms at hours of the night and the day too sometimes yeah in the day too yeah because i do be sleeping i'd be sleeping nine to five five to nine yeah which is too much sleep that's insane you're are you sick no no i'm not sick i just don't really want to face the world it's It's crazy out there. Haven't you heard about what's happening? I feel like it's pretty mild. It's been a pretty slow week at the tavern. Bichael, you too.

You may not be screaming in your sleep, but you have a space issue. Like, I'll be walking around and you'll be there every time I turn around. You are there, Bichael. Bichael. Dude, if you don't move, she won't see you. If you don't move, she won't see you.

Why? Who told you guys that Mice's vision is based on movement? Okay, here I am. Did you see me? Bichel. Bichel. So I'm practicing the stealth is why.

Oh my God. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Ruffey. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Haverman, this episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Thank you.