Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 8 - Singing Sword Now (w/ Erica Elam)

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

The Singing Sword returns along with her assorted stabby children.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiSinging Sword: Erica ElamMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Benji KayMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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cash prize. It's one of America's most lucrative scholarship competitions for teen girls. From Pineapple Street Studios and Wondry, this is the competition. Follow the competition on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Summer is just around the corner, except for the section of your planet below the equator. I believe you call it the mirror dimension, and you're probably wondering how to enjoy this audio production while out of doors. Listen carefully.

Begin playing our wobbly creative venture on your laptop or desktop PC. Then go outside and enjoy your favorite summer activity. When you return, bask in the feeling of gratitude that the podcast is over and rest easy, knowing the story did not advance in any meaningful way. Pro tip, this process can also work in reverse in winter, where you begin playing the podcast on your device of choice and then quickly place it outside. Bearing this in mind, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp. Sorry, who are you? I'm your host, Paul Business, owner of the Tavern, The Wanderlost. It's also a bed and breakfast. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal that I use to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Wanderlust, currently running away from North Eastia, where the king of North Eastia is trying to kill me, here in the magical land of Foon. Oh, Chunt, I'm just struggling with the opening these days. There's this no dynamic things are changing things are different It's good. It's good to feel uncomfortable get outside your zone. You know your comfort zone to be exact. Yeah. Yeah, how are you doing, buddy?

I'm a little worried. Actually. I just opened a piece of mail that was delivered by a sugar glider. What was that? I said never do that. Oh, yeah. Well, it had my name written in blood, so I figured it was important. Yeah, it was delivered by a sugar glider? Delivered by a sugar glider. Do you know what a sugar glider is? You probably don't have those on earth. It's a squirrel made of sugar and it just sort of floats in the air. That delicious Arnie don't know I want to eat it um It's around here somewhere. I'll find it so Arnie some weird news. I got a letter again with my name written in Thank you for prefacing it by that. It's weird news. Oh also. Thank you for softening me. Yes, Paul business. I got That weird letter. It's from extraordinary Boris, the magical moose.

I've talked about him, right? Probably. And he said that he needs to see me. It's urgent with one, two, three, four, five, six, 72 exclamation points. Ooh, wow. You can count that fast. Yeah.

With accuracy? I think so. Let me check my work. You're right. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 72. Okay, wow. How many do you see? Seemed like you're right. One, two, three. 72? Okay, wow. How many do you see? Seemed like you're counting the first couple numbers

and then just skipping to your assumption that it's 72. Well, give me that. I'm willing to spend the whole episode on this, goddammit. Arnie, can this piece of mail be our guest today? I think that literally this episode is gonna be called 72 exclamation points, mark speaking of guests Arnie You know our two suits of armor that we lost the skeletons. Yeah, garish and show Shultz and garish I missed them because there's they were such cool pieces

I mean it just kind of tied the bar together. So I got two new pieces of armor. Okay. Um, say hello boys Hello, I'm Hank and I'm Tank. And Arnie do you want to ask their deal or? I guess so. We're not really ready for the guest portion of the episode but I guess I'll dive in. Hank and Tank how you doing? Doing pretty good. Yeah doing all right. And do one of you always tell the truth? One of us always tells the truth. And? And one of us fucks my wife. Huh.

Oh, I hope it's you. Ah. One of you... Just one of you does, though? Yeah, that's right. Is it the one that's married to the wife? No. It's me. Huh. Surprise after surprise.

Yeah, it seems like he does tell the truth. Yeah. So that's that. Yeah. How are you doing, buddy? So, wait, hold on. Tank, seems like he does tell the truth. Yeah. So that's that. How are you doing buddy? So, wait hold on, Tank, that's your whole identity is that Hank fucks your wife. If you need to know one thing about me, it's that this guy fucks my wife. Arnie, listen, everyone's complex. Okay, there's a lot going on in the world.

If I had the magical ability to eat these two suits of armor, I would. Arnie, first the sugar glider, now suits of armor? Oh, come on, you're lucky. Yeah. You're lucky. We are lucky. Ivan's not here. Wow.

I know, exactly. We're lucky in a way that James Spader, watch your back, is maybe not. Arnie, how you doing, buddy? I know the other day you were feeling pretty sick. Yeah, I was not feeling great because I am still worried. Can I be honest, I went from being depressed last week. Now I'm a little fearful. It's really sort of sinking in that one of the most powerful figures in all of

food, our old buddy, Tom Blaine, Bellaroth, wants me dead. He could be sending hundreds of assassins out to kill me as we speak. Six minutes in, lots of plot stuff still haven't gotten to me. The hell with both of you. Okay, sorry! I'm also- No, I'm out of here! I'm leaving! Ernie, here's my thing. Usador is here.

I feel like he doesn't talk until he's introduced. He can talk, right? We can talk. He can talk. Yeah. Like, normally, usually, you can't fucking stop him from talking. Yeah, exactly. Oh, he left. And he left the door open. Although it's nice when he left you can still hear the door open We're not fire placing the whole neighborhood. We're back in the enchanted forest. So it's that beautiful waterfall. I love the sound of it It's so nice. Oh, yeah, so serene just that nice whoosh helps me fall asleep for some reason. Yeah, but also It makes you pee.

Oh, yes. Well, it helps me pee in my sleep is what I'm saying. Yes, exactly. I can't fall asleep without peeing. You know this, Arnie. I've told you. I have confidence. Sadly, I do.

I do know this, unfortunately. And when I say I told you in confidence, I mean I told it to you with a ton of confidence. Yeah. You told me it by leaning over, whispering in my ear. I'm peeing right now Well, that wasn't even a whisper. It was a lot of brazen bravado. That's true. Oh here comes usador Oh, he's in a bathing suit. Oh, I had to get back here as quickly as I could though I rushed off in a fit of peak Furious that you had refused to introduce me and though you had come to the most

important part of our current quest, I have found an ally and a weapon to use in our great quest to defeat the mortal wizards of this realm. Hooooooo! Hooooooo! Hello! It's a singing sword! So good to see you! The singing sword! We haven't see you! The singing sword! We haven't seen you in over four years, I think.

That can't be right. Oh my god, well, I mean, that makes sense. I haven't seen anybody in over four years. You know what I mean? I've just been really above and above and like back at home with all the butter knives, you know? Oh, oh. I hardly recognize myself.

So a lot of parental duties take up your time these days. Oh, yes. Oh my gosh. Saint Sword, are you telling us you're a mother knife? Oh yes, no. Oh my gosh. Yes, I have forged the whole silverware basket full of little knives of my own, which, you know, of course I love them. I do, I love them.

I care for them, of course, you know, obviously, but what a nightmare. I'm exhausted. I imagine so. Giving birth to sharp things must be tough. So stabby. Oh, yet tempering a young blade? Oh, exhausting.

Folding the metal, folding the metal, getting the oxygen out, folding the metal. Honestly, I'm... Well, thank you for understanding. I'm surprised, honestly. A lot of people think like, oh, well, you chose to forge these blades, you know? And like, you should be happy about it. And, you know, I am, obviously. I'm happy. I'm, you know, I love them but oh god

Sometimes I just have to escape and come and hide by an enchanted waterfall Sure listen to the water. Yes I headed towards the waterfall and stripped down to nothing but my bathing suit And as I was about to jump into the cold bracing waters I saw there the sword deep in a stone and I pulled the singing sword from the stone and brought it back here. I hope I didn't ruin it.

Was that like a, you having a moment with the stone? I didn't interrupt you. No, no, no, no. I mean, I was just trying to have some peace and quiet, but honestly, just adult conversation, you know? Parents get stoned too, you know? Parents get stoned too. We take our breaks however we can get them, you know? Just- Parents get stoned too. You know? Parents get stoned too. We take our breaks however we can get them, you know? Chunk, chunk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it just me? You said we were gone for like- Chunk, chunk. 20 seconds. Sorry, I just like that you said my name twice. I know, it was fun to say it that way. Yeah, he was gone for just 20 seconds

and in that amount of time, he went all the way down to the waterfall. He stripped down to his banana hammock which I have to say looks great on him. That's true. Holy cow. Mayor banana am I right? I still haven't been introduced in this episode. Goodbye!

And he ran out again. Oh I hate to see you leave but I love to see you walk away. God who knows what he's all gonna have done in the next 20 seconds. Look! A- seven unicorns! What? Hold on, hold on. One, two, three...

Yeah, I'm seven. And why are you dressed in full evening attire? As soon as I ran out of the tavern in a fit of pique, I put on my finest finery, preparing for a night on the town, dazzling with my soft shoe review. And then I found these seven unicorns and thought perhaps they could help us in our quest. I can't believe you brought seven unicorns here. When you knew I was here, you know unicorns are singing-sort mortal enemies. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

It's just disrespectful. Yeah, well, we already have a guest this week. I'm sorry, can we, can we, we'll talk to you soon. Another time, another time. Thank you, thank you, yeah, we'll talk to you soon. Okay, I'll call you this week, I'll call you this week. One unicorn seemed really put out. Well, that's Tabitha.

We have a history. Oh, no, sorry to hear. Do you mind, I'm so sorry. What happened? Yeah, what happened between you and Tabitha? Deets spill. We both stabbed the same person. And it was,

he died and we have no idea who killed him. And honestly, it was probably her, but I'm not gonna give her credit. I was there first, he was holding me in his hand. I turned on him, pierced his heart, right as she was galloping up, piercing him from behind. Oh, kinky. Well, you pierced him the heart.

I'd say that might go to you. That sounds more like a singing sword feet Tabitha than a Tabitha feet singing sword. Well, thank you, Ysidor. I don't know, I doubt myself Ysidor. I don't know I doubt myself sometimes I I don't know I mean am I really even a murdering device anymore? Who am I? Sing it. Sorry it's just been that's right it's been so long since we had you on. I don't mean to make you dance but I've missed I've missed her voice she has the most beautiful voice in all of FUN. Oh stop. We don't mean to make you dance, but I've missed her voice.

She has the most beautiful voice in all of food. Oh, stop. We don't know. Here's the thing. We keep calling you singing, Sword, but I know that was a different time in your life. That was almost half a decade ago. Do you still sing entirely impromptu songs that you've been forced into? Anytime I sing, my children are like, Mom, stop, you're annoying us.

Mom, enough. Sing Let It Go. From my experience, children aren't impressed by musical improv. Oh, Arnie, do you know the foolish song Let It Go? Mm-hmm. Ah, well, I've heard it way too many times. You have?

Yeah, but I'd love to hear it again. Well, then sing it for us. No, uh, uh, Let it go, let it go. What? This reference is almost 20 years old. What the fuck are you talking about? Arnie, it goes like this.

When you're sliding into first, then you feel something burst. Let it go. Let it go. So, singing the sword, um... I mean, adult conversation is just so, so swell, but song is something that, uh, you know, the three of us have not been graced with in some time. Could we, could we perhaps call upon you to sing this little ditty? Oh, Chant, I'd love to, but you have to... Tell me what to sing about. I...

I don't have just ballads fresh in my brain anymore the way I used to. Yes, of course. Well, you talked about being a new mother. You talked about murdering someone. So I'm going to say murdering mom. Guys, what do we think? Murdering mom? Murdering mom? I guess we don't know what her relationship with her mother was like.

Hey, it just could be a story. It doesn't have to be a personal thing. It was the darkest night on earth, the day the woman first gave birth. Out her baby popped and said, I have life, I'll take yours instead. That was the murder of the mother. That was the murder of the mother. A tale darker than any other.

The tale of the murdered mother. And then it goes, there's so many verses. So it's like an epic poem of a song. 100% because then that child has their own children and then the children murder them. And then it's- The circle of death. Circle of death. And it happened on Earth.

So that's like, wow. Arnie, so you probably know about that song. It's a bit, I mean, it's obviously all fiction. It's unbelievable, you know, it's like a magical, crazy Earth realm. Yeah, still good, that was fantastic, thank you. We would sometimes put that song on when we played Offices and Bosses

to kind of get us in that Earth mode, thinking about it, you know, and. Sometimes when you're playing offices and bosses, which is the role playing game where you pretend to work in an office with bosses, would you be like, we need some ambient music, let's put a singing sword or something next to the table to sort of like play us, get us in the mood?

Oh sure, when I was young, that's how I paid my rent, you know? Yeah, and I'm young, that's how I paid my rent, you know? Yeah, and I'm sure you knew all the Earth classics, like the one you just sang us. Obviously, yes, yes. And I'm sure you knew some Chumbawumba. Yeah. And probably, what are some other good Earth ones? A lot of Wham.

Wham, yeah. Five, four, five, ting. What was that, Chuck? It's like a countdown. Are you sure it was five for fighting? It's a countdown backwards. Five, four, five, ting. Right? Yeah, five.

That's right. That's one of my favorite things that giants chant. Five, four, five, ting. Well, Arnie, they might be giants. We don't know. That's true. You can't just say giants. If we haven't seen them, there has to be a general consensus, right?

That's true. That's true. What else can we get her to sing? Yeah. Well, you know what, let's take a quick break. Okay, we'll go to break, but as we go to break, or Arnie, sorry, Paul Business, if you don't mind. As we go, taking us to break, singing a song, do you mind telling us the names of your butter knives?

Yes, I would love to. There are 72 of them. And so the first one is Stabby, the oldest, then the twins Pierce and Brosnan, and then their little sister slice and Should probably slowly go to break here. So also I had a series of triplets one spoon fork and spork and There's they're very dumb. They're dull. They're not sure. I don't think we're ever gonna go to break

I hope I think we're gonna listen to all 72 of these. Do we not have fade capabilities? Arnie, fade capabilities? I can't believe we're at the first break and I haven't been introduced yet. I'm out of here. Darren and Chuck. I feel like I was blindsided

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joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or Wondry Kids Plus in Apple Podcast. So, Singing Sword, last time we saw you, you were still sort of in the mix. You were bouncing between Jack Vorpahl, the Bandit King. What led you to sort of disappear a little bit from fighting life and sort of start this new life for yourself? Well, you know, I didn't... At first I thought, okay, I'm gonna have a tiny knife, right? Like, oh sure, I can still be who I am. I can keep murdering, battling, you know, I'll still be me. And what you learn pretty quickly is, you know, it changes you.

It just changes you. I couldn't go out. I was up all night with the kids. And I just wasn't... It's not... I could battle, but I found myself just less interested, you know. Although now I miss it. Oh, God, I miss it.

Sure. I really... I just dream of... When is the last time you killed someone? Was it Tabitha? Well, Tabitha was just here, Arnie. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. when is the last time you killed someone was it Tabitha? Well Tabitha was just here Arnie Yeah, wait, I'm sorry. Well that was that's that's old. That's you know, that's in my youth Oh cuz she's staring through the window right at you making dirty horse eyes

Or unicorn you just are unicorn a little horn tapping the glass Drawing attention to herself tabitha just needs attention. You know she can't just be a horse she has to walk around Winning unicorns they can't just be a horse. Why can't they just be a horse? I'm just a sword Sorry I I Ran out of here in a fitted peak and since I still hadn't been introduced. And I was about to put on this ballerina costume and do a beautiful dance on top of the sugar plum mountain

nearby. But when I found these butter knives who have no parents. Hey, Mom, we've been looking for you everywhere. Mom, where'd you go? Yo, Mom, you can't just leave us out there. We can't fend for ourselves. Hey, Mom. Mom. Mom. Ooh, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, babies, what are you doing here? I told you to stay at home and mommy would be home soon. Sorry, they were right by the Sugarplum Mountain and they didn't have any sort of parental supervision

and I just thought it best to bring them back to this bar where alcohol is served. Shaak! Yusor, how often do you just like barge into people's homes, grab children and take them to a bar? Well, I wouldn't say I'm barging in. I would say that there's usually an open invitation for me to take a founding child, or just a regular child, and give it an opportunity to join my quest,

show the child what a wonderful life it can be to live the questing life. A couple times a week. That's it. Hey, Mom. Mama, I want to live a questing life Oh, that must be stabby sounds old Are you stabby? Oh your mother talks about you all the time Whoa, whoa, whoa Stabby. Oh, well, it just kind of tickles when he

It's not really cutting anything. Okay, buddy, here you go. Back into the pile. Stabby, please, these are my friends. Yeah. I apologize. They... No, no, no. I can't control them.

I thought, you know, I thought of myself as a powerful being, you know? And then you have kids and they really humble you. Well, you are very powerful. You're a magical sword. You are a mother. That's an important power. And you still have the power to kill. All it takes is one... just get back in there. Stab one of these wizards.

One of these wizards who's trying to take over parts of Foon. These stupid, mortal, terrible wizards. Oh, how I regret them kicking me out of their order. Oh, Usador, who kicked you out? I will, I'll stab anyone. I will stab a bitch. Oh, well, you see, I, well, not so long ago, I broke a magical talisman

that made all of the wizards in Foon immortal, and now we're all mortal, and that's why the wizards declared wizard law, and they're each kind of taking over their fiefdoms. Hey, mom, mom, mom, mom. I got really bored during that story, and I fell asleep, and I peed. Okay.

No. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. That's all I fell asleep and I peed. Okay. No. I'm so sorry. That's all right. I'm so sorry. No, no, no, no. Awni did the exact same thing. It's not boring. I'm so sorry. There is a puddle.

I wonder... I didn't know knives could pee. Oh, that might have been me, actually. I can't sleep without peeing. Did you fall asleep halfway through this? So everyone got bored during my story and fell asleep and peed. Great. Hey mom, mom, mom, I have badger pee on me. Mom, mom, I'm covered in badger pee. It's shapeshifter pee actually. It's actually incredibly valuable to some, so...

Now young ones, I have to speak to you for a moment. As an authoritarian... Oh, here it comes. As an authority figure who you all look up to, do you have to say the word mom so much? No. It seems like it might get a little annoying. Ysidor, Ysidor, Ysidor, Ysidor. Hey, Ysidor, Ysidor, Ysidor, Ysidor. They're imprinting on him, they're imprinting on him.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, he ran out of the tower again. Look, most of the little nines have chased Ysidor out the door, so we might have a minute or two singing sword to kind of catch up. I know you're not supposed to use wizard time. They say it's bad for their developing brains

to spend too much time a day doing wizard time. To see an ancient magical man in a banana hammock. Absolutely terrible for kids. But, well, then I'm a bad mom, because sometimes you just need it Yeah, you know I can't get anything done look There's such a thing as too much wizard time But like it's important for you to be a happy parent like you need a little bit of space for yourself

So if wizard time is part of that then wizard time is part of that. Thank you. Thank you Arnie seeing your sword do you? Mind or do you want me to pick you up and kind of switch your own? With would you? I yeah, I mean you don't have to you know, obviously like I don't absolutely don't have do you don't do me any favors But yes, I mean, yes favor. I mean do you? Hey, oh would the three of you over at that table keep it quiet for a while? Three of you over at that table, keep it quiet for a while. Every week I've been here, I've been staying upstairs for the last two weeks in the B&B,

and I'm tired of listening to the two of you talking, whoever you bring in. Oh boy. Fuck, Arnie, we've been calling that guy Silent Salamander. I thought he was... You know, I thought he didn't talk. Also, this is a good time. Silent Salamander, you still owe for your room? Yeah, you ain't gettin' that dime of that, my friend. I've had a terrible stay here. This tavern walk around all the time.

Okay, singing sword, singing sword, calm down. He's being rude, but he doesn't deserve death. No, I don't, you know what? Okay, you're right, you're right. Singing sword, could you song murder him? I would be thrilled. Arnie, it's called a ballot. Oh, sorry.

Could you Nick Cave him? Oh, silent salamander, quiet as the grave. You think you're so sassy coming over here talking brave. Well, I will take you down, man. You're this villain. Just because you're a salamander, I'm not scared of reptilians. Oh, silent salamanderander quiet as a pin I

Yeah, I don't have lost it you guys I don't know I was on the brink of death there Thank goodness. I have the blood of puppies and these puppy skulls to to bring me back to life We should kill him the blood of puppies and these puppy skulls to bring me back to life. We should kill him. No, I was thinking so we should go. Oh, he shattered. He shattered. Oh, my God. I feel so powerful. Wow. A lot of puppy blood on the floor now, unfortunately.

A lot of puppy blood. Oh, now the party is getting started. Oh, yeah. Well, can I Oh, now the party's getting started. Oh, yeah, well, can I kill? I'm gonna stab someone. I feel amazing. Tabitha's at the window still. Her eyes are frozen in horror.

Oh. She looks terrified. Oh, she's going down. Oh, Tabitha. Oh, there she goes. She bolted. Oh, boy, oh, that's terrifying. Singing sword, singing sword. Oh, Tabitha! Oh, there she goes. She bolted. Oh, boy. Oh, that's terrible. Singing Sword, listening.

Oh, I mean, I've seen you stab and cut people. I've never seen you shatter someone with your voice. You must have really hit a note there. You're stronger than I even remember you being. Have you ever shattered someone before by hitting a high note? Once. The last time I was giving birth, I did just OBGYN, who was delivering... Oh.

Yes, who was delivering Seradia, my baby, my littlest tiny baby. I don't want to make any assumptions about it. What is OBGYN? Yeah, exactly. OBGYN? Oh, mm-hmm. It stands for oh boy Good you're near and so it's

Yeah, we just we call them that oh boy good you're near and it's that's what they they all say right before the baby comes out Sorry, are we talking about OBGYNs? Yes, yes, there's a rich history of it. Yeah in Foonani where whoever was nearby when you were about to give birth You just be like, oh boy good you're near Pull them over to you and they then they are on a bound to help you through the birth. So what you're saying is when you were giving birth you murdered an innocent bystander. Just a helpful person who happened to be... so I... I try not to let that part of me come out, you know, I'm... Sure.

I regret it. Well, you've always had a bit of a bloodlust and that's one of the things that we appreciate Yes, yes, but you know, I prefer to kill people who are choosing to engage in battle You know that they are putting their lives in my hands and or I'm I'm in their hands Yeah, but I I don't like killing innocent people. I mean if it look yes, it feels good Yes, it scratches an itch, but it does I. I don't feel good about it, you know? Yes, I enjoy it, you know, and I fantasize about doing it, but I mean, it's not what I, it's not who I am, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Why is there so much puppy blood on the floor? Oh. We were playing Puppy Blood Mile. Oh. No, thank you, Chunt. I murdered a salamander who wished for nothing but a little quiet and to avoid paying for his rent. He wasn't paying?

Yeah. Good, I'm glad you killed him. Seeing sort of... I hesitate to frame it this way, but you know, in the past you used to have sort of a partner in your adventures, right? And and you know is it is it difficult for you not that you're not enough just you yourself with your for your children But like do you ever miss having an adventure to kill with oh? Sure, I of course I miss you know I miss what we had I

Gotta be honest. I don't miss the jack of today. I don't miss being controlled by a man, you know? And I miss the help, sure, and I miss the confidant. It definitely makes travel easier. I have a hard time on my own. Does it? To have someone else carrying me around, yes. Oh, I thought you were saying

not having them made it easier. Oh, no, no, I understand. Yes. Being in a relationship, but honestly, I feel more in control of my own destiny now, you know? And it was the right choice for me. It was the right choice for us. Jack and I are still co-parents. He's in the kids lives, but But we just we weren't meant to be it wasn't forever for us. It was just for a season Yeah, in a way aren't relationships 90% having someone to hold your handle and take you places Arnie you're right in a way. Yes. Yeah and singing sort. I just want to apologize For earlier when I offered to swing you around. No, no. You don't need me to swing you. Obviously, you took care of matters.

But if you like swinging, that's also fine. That's... Yes, if you like swinging, let me know. Fuck. Shut up, Hank. Wait, I actually... Look, I heard Hank and Tank talking outside, and I do have a question, because... Oh, please. Was it Hank who said that he was sleeping with Tank's wife?

I believe so. But doesn't one of them tell the truth and one of them sleeps with Tank's wife? So do we actually think Hank was sleeping with Tank's wife, or was Hank lying? Oh, that's a good... Well, I don't think he was lying. Uh, he's been telling me this for several days now.

Oh, okay. So, if there's nothing that's- Well, just because one person tells the truth doesn't mean the person standing next to them lies. Never tells the truth. Okay, I just- Okay, yeah, yeah. Can I tell you what, Dom? I entered a cave and there was two statues, and they said,

one of us only tells the truth, and then the other one said, and one of us only tells the truth. And I was like what the Fuck but they were both telling the truth because only one of them did tell the truth Yeah, I think but that doesn't mean the other one lied I once went into a pyramid and one of the statues said one of us tells the truth and the other one says and only One of us talks. Oh and that part was really confusing Wow I really messes with your head

But then the other one said and only one of us is a ventriloquist. Oh That adds up then and then the other one said it's me Well, I once went into a level 78 dungeon and I saw two statues there. Level 78? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Seven, eight? Yeah. Singing Sword, have you ever encountered any sort of trickery with statues or suits of armor? Oh, well, one time I went into a deep dark cave,

I was carried, and I saw two suits of armor and one of them said I am a suit of armor and the other one said I am the knight who used to be inside that suit of armor and now I got a different suit of armor but I'm still so I'm inside one and one's just empty so he but so it was it didn't seem like trickery yeah except for the was the one suit just talking. Oh Yeah, so I guess that was fairly magical, but I I mean that's nothing compared to I mean you're you're talking magical object yourself So singing and singing and talking I guess just because you sing Doesn't mean you don't always tell the truth

Yeah, yes, I'm singing sort of half. I would be remiss if I did not ask do any of your kids As you sing, doesn't mean you don't always tell the truth. Yeah. Yes. Singing's sorta half, I would be remiss if I did not ask, do any of your kids have your talent? I try to discourage them. I want them to be their own people and not feel like they have to follow in mom's. Throat steps or hilt steps, I guess? Hilt steps.

But you know, Pierce is a bit of a talent. Pierce has a truly, truly extraordinary voice. I bet I'm sure but also I'd love to hear Stabby sing. Also I'm gonna say I've seen the movie Mamma Mia. I don't know that Pierce can sing that well. Pierce is, it's powerful. Stabby, look, Stabby has his gifts. And they are. Stabby likes to sing. Stabby is really good at scooping.

What about Spoon or Spork? Spoon and Spork are so just dumb as a box of spoons. Okay, here's the thing, guys, she doesn't lie. She tells the truth. It's true, it is true. So Sabby must really have some gifts. The thing is, if Spoon really got into sort of a battle mindset, it could be really helpful

because if he stabbed him with a spoon, it would hurt him. Oh yes, spoon probably hurt the most coming out. Spoon was, it was just wide, you know, and dumb. Oh, so it came out sideways? I just assumed C-section. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah. I don't want any fucking Merlot or any, sorry, pass me some wine. Sideways? I just assume C-section. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I don't want any fucking Merlot or any... Sorry, you passed me some wine. I don't want any... Let's take a break so I can calm down about this Merlot. Are you tired of dating assholes? Do you want a Prince Charming? If so, we're filming a reality show.

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Singing Sword, can I ask you, lately I've been worrying a little bit about my own life. Some powerful people in FUNE sort of aren't fans of me anymore. Oh yes, I've heard about it. Oh you have? Everyone's talking about it. Oh crap. Oh shit. People are talking about you behind your back. Oh, are they singing about him behind his back?

Oh, well, my children are. But yes, I've mostly heard just regular dialogue about you behind your back, but I have heard some. You have heard some songs. Because Arnie's songs travel so fast. I know that this is a question that I'm constantly asking people. Could you sing me some of the things you've heard about me? Oh sure. Oh gosh. I can start shit standing up this guy shit standing up Shit standing up. Uh-uh this guy should stand in that

My fault for asking for this at all I guess I was just worried about threats and things. Well, specifically from the king. I would say it's mostly just scathing things about your appearance and your intelligence level. There's a lot of, it's mostly insults. Okay, so I think that I don't wanna hear unless it's really a bop.

His skin's like a crypt keeper. It's like crepe paper. And it's like, people say a lot of like, why is he so hairy? So much hair all over his body. Like that's one that is- That one I'm kind of into. It's a catchier one.

Depends on your proclivities. There's, oh, there's another one that's like, you know, hard to have a conversation with. Wow. Wow, you're a talk show host. That's a real fucking burn. That's really bad. Oh no, it's worse than I thought.

Does he brush his teeth? Does he brush his teeth? Probably not, probably not. It's... Oh, when a song asks a question and then the song answers the question, that's bad. Yeah. And when it's Colin response, you know, that's not good. Oh wait, I'm sorry, Singing Sword, this was a song written by Colin response? Yeah, oh yes.

The most notorious of bards, Colin response. Wow, yeah, he's a real shit singer, this guy. Oh, Colin? But he calls it like he sees it, you know? Yeah, that's fair. Colin is someone you can trust. When Colin sings you a song, you best remember it. Well, I have to respectfully disagree. Several years ago, he rose to prominence by writing a song about how I was a buffoon. Mm hmm. Oh, I remember. Mm hmm. Yeah, he wrote a song about me called Shift Kicker. Hard to say

Shift Kicker. Shift Kicker. Shift Kicker. Hard to say easy to say. Yeah. Oh, yes. Arnie, we don't really talk on the podcast a lot about how hairy you are. I can't tell you the number of people who walk in and they see you and they're like, ah, Chunt the Shapeshifter or Chunt the Badger. And I'm like, no, no, no, down here. Yeah, I've got my beard, sort of a lot of hair. It's true. Dark eyebrows. Yeah. But I mean, your chest, your back, your butt, your leg. You know, the hair on your hands between your fingers. Yeah. Sure. It's noticeable.

The hair on your head and face fantastic phenomenal even but Got a couple of guys sticking out of those ears. Can I just get one of those? Can I just give you a little grooming here? Okay, sure You know I could cut those if you want to clean that up Now that's an interesting career change for you. Oh Other types of you. Oh. Other types of cutting. Oh, cosmetic cutting.

Well, I mean, I'm not trained, obviously. But sure, I think maybe I might have some natural talent, but obviously I never studied it. Singing Sword, you're selling yourself short. Do you know what they call the person who graduates with the lowest gradeboard average for medical school? Obviously. Doctor.

Yes. Doctor Stupid. Let me finish. Doctor Stupid. MD. And nobody goes to Doctor Stupid. No. Do you know what they call the person who graduates with the lowest grade point average

from the great halls of Taurakas? Usador? Usador? Usador, wizard of the 12th realm of Ophesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Turokis. Don't be a daddy boy. Known to the dwarves of Zodin who extenges and known in the northeast as Gasparinia's star.

Known to the bakers as something. And maybe other secret names you'll never know. Is he a buffoon? Is he a buffoon? Oh yes he is. Oh yes he is. It's so catchy. Yeah, buffoon. And you live in Foon? I mean that's rough. It writes itself. I didn't think I was going to get introduced in this episode at all. Well Singing Sword, is there anything we can do? The three of us collectively.

Is there anything we can do? You can of us collectively, is there anything we can do? You can stay here in the wanderlust, you can, it's bed and breakfast, so if you wanna stay here for a little bit, kick up your feet, we can look after the knives, the three of us raising little knives. That's what I want you to do. I want you to do that one.

Oh shit, John, oh. Just that would be amazing, actually. If I could just have a moment to myself and you guys, just, I could just have a moment to myself and you guys, just do a little, you know, babysitting. Okay, we could probably do a good five to 10 minutes babysitting. Okay, well, okay, here they are. Okay, kids, be good, be sweet for Arnie and Shawn.

One went through my hand. Oh boy. Oh, Tabitha. So, hey kids. Oh, really struggling to try and stab us. No, no, no, no, no. Now children, I know how much you respect me and look up to me.

But I need you to know that I'm also very cool and very fun and very with it. I'm gonna stab you in the butt. Ah! Don't do that! I'm mortal! I don't know though, I sort of like the sense of humor of that one. Wait, it left a hole!

Stab me in the butt! Stab me in the butt! I'm gonna stab you in the butt. Yes! Chunt! Chunt! Chunt! Chunt!

Chunt! Chunt! Chunt! Chunt! Chunt! Chunt! Chunt! Chunt! Chunt! Yeah, yes, yes. Oh, I shouldn't, do you want me to pick you up or something? Chy- I'm tired, I'm hungry Chy- can I eat you? Hold on, are you tired or hungry? No, you can't eat me. Oh, do you guys eat?

What do you eat? What do knives eat, rust? We eat, yeah, or we can eat blood, or we can eat, you know, basically whatever we can get our hands on. Oh, there's a ton of blood on the floor right now. Yeah, you like puppy blood? Cool.

I don't know if singing sort of be okay with this. Okay, so what else do kids like? Is this something that we should tell the singing sort about? Like when a parent comes back to you, you have to say your kids ate a bunch of puppy blood off the floor? My mom just assumes I ate puppy blood. If there's puppy blood around, my mom's like, oh, yeah spoon definitely ate that

Classic spoon. Yeah, I could make you a PB and J sandwich puppy blood and jelly sandwich Yeah, no, wait, I wanted on the blue plate. No Okay now how about I delight you with some magical tricks? Do you see this coin? I'm gonna stab it in the butt. Okay, well. Tails. Tails is the butt of the coin.

That was a rare King Albanian butt coin, so you did stab it right in the butt. Nailed it, yes. It is weird how on the backs of those coins, it's actually King Albanian butt coin so you did stab it right in the butt. Nailed it. It is weird how on the backs of those coins it's actually King Albanian's butt. I know, I know. Pretty impressive, right? Yeah. Keeps it toy.

Um, so let's see, what else do kids like? Do you want to hear a story? Yeah, I want to hear a story. I want to hear a story. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Okay. That one just keeps trying to stab me. I want to hear a story. Okay. That one just keeps trying to stab me. It's just I'm holding back its head, which is the blade So it is through my hand, but it's just trying to push through me. I can't tell is that one trying to poop?

Arnie, do you have a story to tell? Arnie tell him like an Earth story. Yes. Okay. Whoa you've been to Earth? I have I'm from Earth. It's another world. That's where I'm from. Yeah, this guy's fucking docked to Earth over here. Tell him. Tell him, Paul Business. So, once upon a time, there was a woman. Why? She had a beautiful... um... she just was, I guess. Why? Um, because that's how she was. She was a beautiful singer, but she wasn't really happy with how her career was going.

Why? Um, well, because she was part of a trio of singers and, you know, they were doing work, they were singing in casinos and they kind of like, no one was paying as much attention to them as they would have liked. Um. What's a casino? A casino is a gambling institution where sometimes they have live music but if I'm being honest not that much anymore but you just kind of have to go with that for the

story. Wait a minute. She's dating the owner of the casino. What's that? You told me a casino was something that Joe Pesci gets murdered in. Yes. Why? Why? Because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. So this woman goes to see her, she goes to complain to her boyfriend who owns a casino, but witnesses him killing an informant who's trying to inform on him. That's right. He's a criminal. Arnie, is this for kids? Oh, I guess it is for knives. Yeah, sorry, go ahead.

Well, you know, the camera pans away, so you don't actually see any blood or anything But you definitely see this woman has seen a murder She runs away and goes to the police and they're like we need you to inform on this criminal Enterprise, but we've got to hide you out in the one place that no one will look for you in a convent. So She goes to this convent. Why she doesn't want to be there Well, you know because you would think that criminals wouldn't look for her in a convent. But mostly because it's it's sort of a setup for a fun fish out of water experience,

where this like sort of brassy nightclub singer has to pretend to be a nun. But when she's out of water because it was a flying fish. Um, yes. Good question question i had the same question yeah great question oh thanks um i was gonna ask what's a convent but the opportunity flew by like a fish i'm trying to explain as fast as possible so i don't have to answer any question she gets put in charge of the of the chorus. What are they called when you sing in a church? The choir. The choir. She puts gets put in charge of the choir and she really reinvigorates the choir and they sing sort of sassy versions like gospel versions of sort of 50s hit songs. Andoss spells. Oh, so there's spells on Earth.

Goss spells. Uh, Yuzor, do you know of any goss spells? I don't. I'll have to see this wonderful tale and learn these spells. Tell me, Arnie, is there any sequel potential? There is, but it makes even less sense than the original story. I think it makes perfect sense so far. Why?

Is this woman sort of you know picking up her habits again? She's back she will be back in the habit. Okay then that that makes sense then. It is a movie that little knives could watch? Yeah I think so you know I'm sure some of the aspects of it probably haven't aged as well as you would like so you're sort of like whoa they let little knives watch this 15 years ago but for the most part, yes. Oni, what a wonderful job you've done telling them a story. They're fascinated, and a few of them even fell asleep.

Yeah. But not in an insulting way, in a sort of sweet, they were enthralled by your voice kind of way. Yeah. It's just a natural gift I have as a storyteller and an entertainer. Oni, that was amazing. I'm sleeping in a puddle of pee. Okay, well, I mean, there is 70 some kids.

Why did you pee on that child? Well, there's 70 some kids. My piss isn't going to avoid all of them. Nothing you can do because I'm stuck like glue to my piss. Cut that out. We're not using that. Keep it in. Well, I guess that now that they're all falling asleep,

you should sneak them upstairs and tuck them into the cutlery drawer. Then, once we've tucked them into the cutlery drawer, we'll come back down here and you can tell us all about the next story. Oh, you're so you're sorry you're getting too close to me your beard is tickling my Oh, that's fun actually. Oh stop getting this cutlery drawing go to bed. I want to hear another story. Is it Chunt? Is it Chunt? Chunt, Chunt, Chunt, Chunt. That's fun actually, Chunt, Chunt. Oh, stop.

Get in this cutlery, Joy. Go to bed. I wanna hear another story. Ah, do you know another story? Hmm. All right. This is, I only bring this one out for emergencies, but I'm gonna go episode by episode

explaining season one of Fringe. Oh. But I'm gonna go episode by episode explaining season one of Fringe. Ohhhh. If Arnie breaking down all of Fringe season one doesn't sound like a Patreon episode, then I don't know what does. But I do know that User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. The Singing Sword was played by special guest Erika Elam. Erika is a proud graduate of

the Chicago Anything's Possible program. Each year, the program selects one individual who struggles with musical improv, Really struggles with it. Has many moments on stage where they look like they're maybe being attacked by a swarm of unseen moths. And then gives them a series of free workshops and a t-shirt. The candidate doesn't always improve, as Erika can attest. But as the program states, anything's possible. Hmm, here's a plug I don't totally understand. If you're in the Buffalo, New York area

between now and May 18th, stop by the Alleyway Theater to see Death of a Streetcar Named Virginia Wolf, written by Tim Sniffin in collaboration with The Second City. Oh, Second City. At least that plug has one name I associate with comedy. I think they have a theater in Brooklyn and nowhere else. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like... Yes, now I'm really hoping it's

Galeiath, and Brad Goople. Patrons get ad-free episodes, a copy of Erika Elam's newest CD of improvised songs called I'm Tryin' Up Here, the entire Magic Tavern back catalog including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Benji K.

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