Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 80 - Pandenomicon Now (w/ Charlie McCrackin)

Episode Date: November 17, 2025

Usidore finds the Pandenomicon, the magical talking book written by Spintax the Green. Can the book be used to discover Spintax's evil plans?CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungPandenomicon: Charlie McCrackinMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandListen to Arnie’s Christmas music podcast No Skip Christmas!New T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Uh, podcast. Did I just say podcast? Did I just come up with a better name for what we're doing? Did I just come up with a better name for nearly all of these types of things? Did I just rebrand about half the internet? All this unused marketing potential, crammed into a lustrous razor-sharp carapace.

Such as life, sit back and enjoy the show. Show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, Arnie Kemp. If you've never listened to the podcast before. This is everything you need to know. Over 10 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the ruffled feather, in the heart of McShingleshane forest on the outskirts of Hogsface in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my good bud, my cousin, Chunt the Talking Badger. Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, exciting news. Oh, yeah. What's this? It's a bestseller.

Arnie, it's a bestseller. What's a bestseller? You know how I forgot to tell you about the children's books I was writing? You're writing children's books? Yes, it's about a kid named Narnie, and he falls into a hole, and he ends up in a sort of a different land. Narni's a real scamp. He's a real nared well, a real sort of... of um i don't know just a real rascal yeah do i get a piece of any of this why would you no no no no

no i only get a piece because i wrote the theme song oh yeah the chronicles what of narnia guys look i know i use a lot of filler phrases you don't have to make fun of that character and call him narnie uh like just because i always say uh or like or hmm noises like that oh it's not oh oh oh oh oh my gosh arnie This is so awkward It's not based on you It sounds like it's about me Narnie is a 6 foot 4 kid

I'm 6 foot 4 and I'm a cat I'm a kid at heart and I'm 6 foot 4 You heard he fell through a hole right He fell through a hole, you fell through a portal Yeah well wait what did Narnie fall through A hole But that's what that would make it the same Don't say it like it's different when it's literally the same

Arnie there's like four stories in the world, okay? And we all just keep retelling them, right? What's a different story? What's one of the other four stories? Batman. That's about me too. That's about me too.

No. No, no. Tell me the story of Batman. Batman is the story of a young man who falls into a cave and then he goes on an adventure. Yes, that's me. Yeah, most stories are sort of a young person

falls into a thing. Yeah. And you're an old person. I'm young at heart. I'm young at heart. Well, Chunt, congratulations that your new book is a bestseller. What kind of gold are we talking about? Is that rude of me?

Is that gauche to immediately ask you how much you're making on this popular thing? It is a bit gauche, but I will tell you that being a bestseller means that it's one of the best books out there and they're really hoping it sells. So I think we'll wait a year or so. We'll see how it's doing, and then we can go from there. I see. Yeah. Well, I have a little bit of news. Oh, also, I guess I shouldn't blow past this.

I am also joined by my other co-host. He's just as good as the first one. Usador the Wizard. I am Usador. Wizard of the Twelfth. Wait, huh? Why did you have to clarify that I was just as good as the first one? I said you're just as good as the first one.

It's like comparing a hole to a hole. That's weird. I don't know. If you have to. You have to clarify it. It seems like there's something off. Different things mean different things. Different things mean the same thing, actually.

I'd hate to be on a date with Arnie. Compare you a hole to a hole. And I am known throughout the northeast as Gatsmanus Mastard. And there are the other secret names. Names that if I dared, it utter them aloud. Most assuredly, your entire shoulder blade would grow out of the back of your body one at a time. Yes, each becoming a wing. expanding those bone-like wings until you flew into the air.

That would be bad. Also, I painted a beautiful painting with Gauch. What is... Well, I was inspired by the Chronicles of Narni. Yeah. Is it in the style of Van Gogh? That's right. Arnie, have you heard of Van Gogh?

I have not heard of Van Gogh. Oh, he is a very famous painter here in Foon. He's well known for his Gauch paintings. where he, you know, just beautiful pastels, pastoral scenes. And the tragic story, though, he got really upset about a crush he had because she didn't return his feelings. So he cut off his dog's ear and ate it. That's a red flag if you ask me.

Yeah, he's cuckoo. Yeah, don't date that guy. Oh, yeah, cuckoo bananas. He bonkers. Well, speaking of green flags, that's the, the best segue I could think of. Guys, you know how I found out where the portal is, but it's too small to get through, and we're going to try to figure out a way to make it bigger so we can start moving humans

into Foon? Did I explain that elegantly? Was that quick and understandable? It was so succinct and so quick and understandable. And, Arnie, I'm just realizing everyone who comes through that portal from Earth is a potential purchaser of the Chronicles of Narnie. Oh. All right.

Let's get these portals going I mean, Chun, here's the thing I don't speak to you privately for just a second. I love you wrote this book even though I am. Oh my gosh, thank you so much. I was going to ask you to do the forward

and then I thought that was too forward. Ironically, that would be, yeah. You know, we were going to try to raise money to get people through the portal with these, I move into Foon shirts that you can currently get in our dashry store. There's probably like in the show notes. Yeah, nice, nice, nice.

I just don't want to, like, muddy that with your book. Does that make sense? Like, I want you to sell a lot of books. books. Yeah. I don't want to kind of step on the shirts. Oh, totally, totally. Yeah. We'll just package it. So instead of a shirt being, you know, whatever it is, however much money, we'll do shirt and a book for like double that amount. It's like you can't separate the two. So it'll just be sort of tethered together. And that works out fine. Thank you. Thank you. And thank you. Okay. Well, we'll work this out later. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, my. Yes, indeed.

Finally, yes. Oh, what is revelation this is. I can't believe it. Finally. Yousor, what's going on? He wants us to ask about it. You could tell him. He was explaining. Do you remember the punchline to that joke you asked us last year? Oh, yes. But in addition to that, I have found what drew us here to Hogs' face.

Oh. Nostalgia? What is, what is it? Nay, tis not nostalgia, for I had thought that I had found that mystical object that had drawn me here when I found the blood rose. And then I sort of felt like, I don't know, is that really a thing? Is anything going to come out of that? It sort of feels like a dead end a little bit.

If I'm honest, I forgot we had it. I forgot we had that blood rose. Oh, yes, well, I don't worry. It's in my back pocket. I have found a link to the wizards, a way to understand the deepest, thoughts away to perhaps not defeat them but bring them back

under the will of the goddesses yea let them be saved and join the forces of good once more Usador, Usador, Yusador, why do you keep wanting to save the wizards? You found a link but you're still living in the time when you were part of them you found a link to the past Well, well

it's, can you blame me? I hear their voices upon the very wind, and it wakes me every night, that wind waker. Oh, indeed, I tell thee, oh, Arnie, you must believe me. I, I must show you here under this, under this very delicate, minish cap. Under this delicate minish cap. Why did I start us down this road? I don't know any of this stuff. Hey, listen, Arnie.

Yusiners talking. Listen. I have found none other than the Pandanomicon. Oh. Wow. Oh, shit. This is the giant book that SpinTax wrote, right? Yes. And within its pages, lie secrets untold.

Unknown into me. Well, let's open it. Yeah. Oh, careful chunk. What do you want? What is this? Uh, uh, Pandanaconicon. Tis I, you should all the blue.

I haven't gone by that name in so long. No one's openly in years. Oh. Oh, my God. That's right. I forgot. Are you feeling all right? I'm sorry.

I'm a book. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, take all the time you need. I forgot the book. It was kind of an audio book.

Like it could talk and now it's a little more sentient. Yes. Yes, it has part of Spintax's essence imbued within it to bring it to life. I haven't spoken in years. I haven't been used as a book. I forgot I was a book. Yes, I found you propping up a table. Yeah, yeah, yes, I was part of a table.

I flattened out some posters. Do you want some water? I need sebum. Seabum. Seabum. Body oil, I'm covered in human leather. Here, here, sebum, here you go. I'm just glad I'm not the only one doesn't know what seabum.

Let me, let me rub it carefully into your pages. Yeah, I like that. Oh, here you are. I can take a lot of pressures. I think we should turn around. Does that help you at all? Panonomicon, do you feel a little more live? I feel rejuvenated.

What a happy book. Oh, well, what a happy boy. He's more of a man. I'd say Narnie is more of a boy. Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking at his heart. I do have the heart of a boy. Okay, well, that proved it then. Pandanamancon, I know it has been long since you've been used as a book,

but you still must have some insights, yay? To the goingsons of the wizards? Do you know of their current plight that they have lost their mortality and they amass power and try to take over lands? I've been in the dark. I don't know much about any of that. Well, let's try to get you on the Wi-Fi and see if we can get you updated. typically

spin tax continues to write in his journals in my update with everything he writes but I've been disconnected for so long maybe or maybe maybe he stopped writing oh that happens sometimes

you know you just you know I don't talk about it a bunch but I have an MFA and creative writing and I just don't write as much as I used to what's an MFA no well I can't know well I could talk about this all day

So on my world, there's something called a master's, which is like a postgraduate degree, like sort of... I haven't tracked my question. I didn't even get to the part about how an MFA is less good than an M.A. Oh, well. You barely got through the first letter of three. Oh, darn, Arnie. I was hoping you would get to talk more about Arizona. Next time.

Next time. Tucson is great to live in for a couple of years, and then you got to leave. Shout out to everyone in Tucson listening right now. You gotta leave. Well, what can I do you for, guys? Well, we're always looking for wisdom and insight. I hate to think of churning you against your former creator, but if you know, any weakness that Spintax might have, oh, you must share with us now, for he has wayward, he's lost his way.

Oh, well, weakness is, what do you mean he's lost his way? Wait, wait, wait, what? How so? How so? Oh, how so. I thought you said also. Also? How so?

And I was waiting because I was like, I was on pins and needles. I thought it was maybe another type of oil he had to rub into him, so I wasn't going to say anything. Well, as I mentioned, uh, that the, the wizards have lost their mortality. And in their fear of losing their lives, they have turned to the side of evil. And I know that deep down, this is not their true selves. The Wizards. And Panonomicon, of course, we would, oh, sorry, please. No, you go.

Of course, we would, you know, a little tit for tat. If there's something we could provide for you or do for you, we absolutely would try and do that. Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. What do I want? I haven't even been conscious for so long. You just woke up, book? Do you prefer we call you Pandanamicon or book or kind of spin tax?

Not the last one. Okay, sure. I have had a life, I've had a, Pan Pan, Pan, I've had a life of my own outside of being a book and outside of Spintax. I don't know what a book needs anymore. So we all agreed it's Pan Pan? Is that? Perhaps Pan Pan, if you tell us more of your adventures that you had beyond after Spintax let the loose into the world, maybe we can learn what motivates you and thereby find the, thing you desire most. Tell us the tales of the

pandanacan. The last thing I remember, Spintax was writing a secret chapter. And he was crying and crying and crying. I'm trying to not be too happy about this.

And his penmanship got aggressive. Big slanty points. Sure. And he cried on to my pages. Terrible. Terrible. So sad. And then he scribbled and scribbled and scribbled tore pages out and threw me, cast me into a ditch.

Oh, terrible. I don't deserve such poor treatment. Okay, says you. Well, I mean, if you still feel some loyalty towards Spintax, that's understandable. But if he's just scribbling in you and writing about his fears and his weaknesses, his greatest weaknesses,

probably be wrote about just in you and nowhere else? I can't find that chapter. It's hidden from me. Well, Pan, Pan, don't even worry about that right now. Now that you mention you've been thrown in a ditch, I do see you have some mud and gunk. So why don't we take a quick break? We'll get sort of a gently wetted cloth and sort of wipe you down.

It's got to be body juice. There's some of that sieveum. It's got to be something from the body. I prefer sebum. Seabum. I prefer that. But if you got other. stuff, I'll take it.

Sebum is body juice. We'll be right back. Here, let me continue. Chunt, here. Take a handful of sebum and let's just rob. Gently. And then a little harder, a little harder. Should I just, should I walk on his spine?

My dad used to make me do that. Would you like Chunt to walk on your spine? Yeah. Use your heels, your knees, your elbows, your forearms. Yeah, get in there, get nasty. Yes, sir. All right. Do it like Daddy Light.

All right. You have to da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Oh, wonderful. Oh, I like your little, your little callous bean pads on your paws are tremendous. I'm invigorated, re-invigorated. Rani, come back over here. Come back over here. No one at the bar wants to hear about your MFA.

Someone over there's got to be interesting Arnie, that was a horse You were talking to Oh, a bored horse Oh, that's right It was saying name I thought it was saying MFA No

Artie, what horse says MF nay It was denying consent To speak with you Oh, I'm so I'm sorry, horse Don't worry about MFA is for horses MFA is for horses

Oh, I like that I'm gonna add that to the book So Pan Pan, Pan, your book, but for the last few years, you lost your sense of self. You thought you were other things? Like, what does it like to think you're part of a table? You know, just being a heavy object for a while really gave me perspective. There's no books. Oh, no.

You know what I mean? You stopped believing in books and literature entirely? There aren't people. There aren't people? Right. Things aren't alive. I'm not alive. Oh.

Well, technically, I suppose that's true. It's sort of imbued with magic. So nothing's alive. Life is meaningless. Wow. Wow. It's sort of a new take on religion, I guess. Kind of makes all the stuff I'm doing seem sort of pointless.

Payne Pan, are you saying that if books go unread for too long, they just become nihilists? I guess I am, Arnie. Everybody out there, you got to read your books. You lose your knowledge. The knowledge is lost if no one's putting it in their brains. Oh, well, we'd gladly put some of the knowledge in our brains, if you care to share. No one, I bet none of you remember how Spintax defeated Morgath, the devourer. Or Zephyrx, the putreifier.

Oh, was it the same way for both? Yes. So what? I'd like to hear about Sephrax the putrifier, though. I am not familiar with that tale. Well, he was set up camp in a pumpkin patch, and he was rotting all the pumpkins, spoiling the harvest. What a dick.

Causing the farmer folk to blame each other. Oh, tis-tiske. And they were at Knife Point and Tine Point with pitchforks like farmers have. You ever see a farmer? What are they always doing with those pitchforks? They get mad real fast, and they reach for their pitchforks. Yeah, I've never seen that. Spoon?

Hmm? Pitch knife? Anything? Artie, every time we're near a farm, farmers come racing out to run you off with pitchforks. What's that about? They know I want to fuck their daughters. Only because I like the jokes.

Oh, okay. That's fine. Well, the townspeople who still maintain their sanity hired spin tanks to rid them of this demon, the putrefire, the putreferex, the putreifier. So he came and he took their money and once he verified that their money was good and got a couple of kids off of them. Then he, of course, engaged Zephyrx in a battle of wits and fists. One question apiece and then you could use your fist any way you wanted on the other person. Any way you wanted?

Any way you wanted and you had to be cool with it no matter what it was. Had to, like, kiss it first, and then, yeah, that's cool. Wow, what a, what a caveat. You have to be cool with it. Can I just say, I've heard so many stories and legends and lore of, like, and then, you know, like, Big Mike took the sword and, like, slayed the, you know, and got the gold. Spintax is the first person who's writing a story who talks about verifying that the money is good, which is so smart.

Spintax is so smart. Yeah, but he also took a couple of kids. You know, I just, I don't. I don't think we should cross over that. I'm still stuck on the Big Mike part. There was someone named Big Mike. Yeah, it's an ironic nickname. Oh, a little guy.

Yeah, as an aunt. Listen, some of those kids that SpinTax took make up the cover of the book you're talking to. So if he didn't do those things, then I wouldn't be here. This book, you book, Pan Pan, Pan, you're made. This book, me book, yes. Vanquished foes. Guys, did I ever tell you I have an MFA and I would say,

this book, me book, yeah, that was actually the name, that was actually my thesis novel. Look, I know everyone's mad at wizards now. I know that's the cool hip way to be. I'm just saying that for a long time, I was trying to point out you know, Spintax, maybe not the best guy. And then everyone decided to shit on me

like they were a bunch of birds. And then they talked about how great Spintax was and how, you know, he emulated the wall of fire and all this stuff. He won so many Wizards Choice Awards. Everyone loves Spintex, Spintex, Spintax, Spintax. You're the one listening to all as Bonafides. I suppose that's right.

Absolutely upset. Pan Pan, do you have any entries in you about Usador? Things that Spintax wrote about Usen. Ah, we don't need to read those out loud, I don't think. Let's see. Hmm, searching my index. Yes? Yes. Ooh.

It's on page 11. Jillian in 4012. He waited a long time to get to me. Is that part of the secret chapter or one of the normal chapters? I don't know how to access the secret chapter. It's not listed in the table of contents. Of course, of course. That makes sense.

Hmm. Okay, so this is the chapter on Usador. I will... What's a whole chapter? Well, it's part of it, yeah. Well... Like a little taste. You know, it's got one big letter, you

very ornately drawn. Oh, I love that. I can't when a chapter starts like that. Also, I like when Disney animated movies start like that. Yeah, the U is made into towers that are going up into the sky. They're made out of brick. And inside one of the towers is a fair maiden. Bucksum young glass laying her trellised hair down, platted for her bow to climb.

And the other is a wise wizard in blue with a half. hat on. If you've ever seen one of those, a wizard with a hat on. This book chooses the weirdest things to not think we know what they are. Farmers, hats. Yeah. It's also curious to be that the book sort of recognizes

and relishes large breasts. That's very fantastic. Pat, Pan, that's what I'm wearing right now. Oh, what a coincidence. Do you have sight? Can you see me? Or can you just hear us? Well, I can obviously hear you. Let's just dispel that notion.

immediately. I'm having a conversation. Yes. That's fair. That's fair. And yes, I can see you. If I have that sense, why not have them all? So you know that I'm a wizard dressed in blue, much like the one that you've pictured here.

I know who you are, Usador. We've met before. And I'm on the chapter of you in this book. I'm just saying you explained it to us like we didn't know what a wizard was, especially one in blue robes, and there's one sitting right here. Oh, sorry. To be fair, Pan Pan was describing a picture that has a blue wizard in it. Maybe he didn't want to assume that it was inherently Usador, and we could sort of infer for ourselves.

It could be an Arnie-N-N-R-N-Y situation. Usdor, if this is making you uncomfortable, do you want to grab your grimoire, Tome, book, and have it sort of speak on your behalf? Oh, I suppose I could. You know, after our chunt wrote his book and after Arnie kept talking about his MFA, I have started writing a book. Oh, you've started writing a book? Oh, it's going to be great. I've got an outline of a couple chapters already, and it's going to be... An outline of some chapters?

Oh, fun. Yeah. Well, let's, um, we're on page 11 de jillian. And 4012, yes. And 4012, apologies. But yeah, you, sir, if you have a couple chapters or, um, sort of like, um, outlines, we'd love to... Oh, here we are. Oh, that's, that's like a pamphlet, but he made a big noise.

There we go. Ah. Sort of picked up three papers and went, Uh-uh. Now, outline, I imbue you with life. Speak here now on mine behalf. Life. I am, chapter one.

Chapter one, where then a wizard finds his way. Oh, boy. Uh, chapter two, a wizard meets a girl. That's it. That's just the beginning of the story structure. That's like a placeholder. Yeah, I mean, I think it's a pretty good story structure so far. How long did it take you to write that, Eucidor? A couple months. I just been, you know, I've been noodling on it, you know, when my free time.

I don't have a lot of free time. You're noodling on it, don't it. Disgusting. Chapter 3, wherein the wizard is challenged by a dark wizard or maybe an evil mage, maybe like a dragon or dragon's dog. I was just going to leave that for later. We'll figure that part out later. Look, I'm just, I'm leaving it open. I'm going to, you know, I'm going to devote some time.

What I need to do is block out some time for myself. Sure, and let me guess. He's going to reject the quest. Yeah, I was thinking, you know, maybe he'd reject the quest, and then there would be a mentor who, like, gets him back on the path, and then... Yeah, to defeat a guardian that they thought was really his whole area, yeah. Oh, okay. So you've, you...

Oh, right, there are only four stories. Yeah, that one, kid fault on a hole. And then the other two. Then the other two. I'm going to put this pamphlet away for now. We'll finish that later. Sorry, you were reading from the chapter of Usador. I'm terrified.

I'm so sorry, Pan Pan, and I know this is not the most important thing, and I really want to hear about the Usador chapter. I just have more thoughts about the giant letter at the beginning. Now, from your experience, like just SpinTax, do the illustrations as well? Yes, absolutely, 100%. Really? And if you had to guess, is it the kind of thing where he's just sort of like working his way up to tell this story?

He's like, I'm just going to spend a while, like, drawing this giant you before I start writing this chapter. I don't know that. He doesn't talk while he's doing that. He just draws. He doesn't dictate. He doesn't tell the story while he's doing it. He just draws. I will say just, sorry, just to chime in as the least of us here.

in terms of stature and accomplishment, I did just write and illustrate a children's book. And I will say that when illustrating, I spent the largest amount of time on the characters that I sort of connected to the most. So maybe this sort of ornate, elaborate giant U, you is sort of a tribute to the respect that Spintax has for you, Yusitor. Well, thank you, Chon. That's a wonderful way to think about it. you know, perhaps all these years of frenemieship and, uh, and, and, and, and, and,

rivalry has been ill-placed. And perhaps all along Spintax respected me as much as I secretly respected and honestly was jealous of him. Well, I can just open up. You can look at it yourself. See, here's the big you and then next to it says, Suck. Oh. End of chapter. Oh.

Also, did you say children's books? Yum yum. Yeah. Oh, oh shit, Artie, quick. I love them. Let me see them. I'd love to see them. I'd love to add a few pages to my back end. You know what I mean? Oh, I didn't even think that books would eat other books, Artie. We've got to hide these books. These are books for children, not books of children, Pandanamacom.

Well, I'm not sure if you know about books, Usador, but small books. Children's books are children books. Oh, I see. Yes. in the hierarchy of the book society. And their innocence gives to me a certain bit of power. Hmm. Do you have a set of books that you can... Here, let me just grab your outlines and feed it. Here, no, no, no.

Yeah, get it off my mouth. Get it out right back out. I don't like that. I don't like all the tastes. Hmm. Well, I feel terrible. I feel just terrible. I really hoped that Spintax had perhaps deep down had some respect for me.

But I suppose that wasn't the case. Yet there's one thing that Spintax will never have. And that's a great transition to break. Are we going to break, you say? I was doing it right then. That was it. Just the way you said it I couldn't tell. No, that was it.

I didn't hear a great transition to break. You guys ruined it. I didn't hear a music thing or anything. I was like, what the fuck is he talking about? Goddess is damn. His face looks like we should understand. He was smiling so big. Like, I'm doing a thing.

And I was like, what? No. Oh, well. Anyway, let's go to break. Oh. Nice one. Pan Pan, as a book, do you have any of your own hopes and dreams and desires for the future? You know what?

What I really want at the end of the day is to be on a show. shelf with a lot of other good books snugly stacked beside me. Sexy. Yeah, right? Community. You can slide me in and out. We can rearrange us by color. Yeah, I never thought about that, but a book must feel sort of a part of a community

when it's on a shelf with other books, much like we do when we're, like, you know, amongst our friends who have a touch, familial touch, and hugging and whatnot. Well, I have many, many, many books at uh in my room here at the tavern if you if you would like uh you could spend some time with those books uh spell books histories of of long dead civilizations and and lineages of royalty that sort of thing nah no okay pan pan pan how would you feel about being left in a bathroom you know it's not as nice of a location but you'll probably be read more often you know i feel

flattered that you wanted to bring me in there and you wanted to read even during this time while you're doing other things, something so intimate but at the same time I'm afraid I'm never going to come back out because you'll decide I'm a bathroom book

and I can only be read in the bathroom. That's a tough spot to get out of. You'd never take me to the beach again. Oh so you wouldn't mind being a beach read then. You know, I like being a beach read too. You get to see the world, get a little sun, which is nice, but not a lot of reading gets done, I'll tell you.

Just a couple of sentences, and then all of a sudden you're used to block the sun from someone's eyes. Sure. Or to hold someone's wine glass level. You know what, though? The three of us, we haven't been to the beach in an age. You mean, Chunt? Yeah, that's right. Which three?

The three of us. There's four of us. I meant, I meant, uh, Arnie Chunt and I, as, as we're kind of, we're famously a threesome, uh, but I, I would say, you know, if Penn and Omagon, it's a perfect excuse to add a fourth and take a little, uh, break and perhaps go to the beach for a week or so. Was that another segue into a break? Yeah, it's so hard to tell you, no, no, no, I was just saying, you know, if, do, do, do, do, do, do, no, don't start singing the song. Well, you made the big, you did the big grin again. I was just saying we could go on vacation if we wanted to and take this book with us. Okay. If I say, you'll know what I'm throwing to break.

Well, you pointed to your eye and then winked. Help us help you, man. All right. I'll do my best. In the future from now on, before I throw it to break, I'm going to turn to all three of you. I'll go, I'm about to throw it to break. And then I'll throw it to break. Will that help?

Which three? You sir, we've already done two breaks. Don't do another break. I'm not trying to do a break. That would be the worst thing you could do. I'm not doing that. The last thing you want is the throw to a break, and then the show comes right back because everyone knows you don't have commercials for that spot.

I know. Shit, use it or don't. Pan, pan, what about this? This would be less reading, but what if you are in, like, an important library, you're in your own area, and there are, like, chains over you? Like, so that, to say that, like, no one can read this. This is a forbidden book. And all the students are like, I'm going to spend all semester trying to figure out

how I can secretly read this book of immense power. Oh, the restricted section. How exciting. What a... Oh, yes. Yes, I'd love to be behind a curtain. Oh, yes. Like a beaded curtain?

Sure, beat it. I don't care. Velvet? Whatever you got? Imagine a heavy velvet curtain, and we pull it back, and you are sitting there alone on a podium, waiting to be oped and have your secrets plumbed. Yeah, I love to be oped.

Ope me. Oat me, Daddy. Both of those are great. I'd love to, some sort of something that really shows off the danger of the knowledge within me. And those little grubby fingers of those kids, they couldn't stay off me. They'd want me so bad. Not just kids, too. Old people, middle-aged people, teens. There's nothing more tempting to me than a forbidden book. I always want to know what's going on in there. Yes, indeed. But what if we went to the beach and we set up a little shack, and within the shack there was the curtain? Are we gilding the lily if we try to have a forbidden book at the beach? Oh, I get you. Yeah, well, you're going to take me with you, right?

We can do it all. Yeah. Take me to the beach. If I were a book and I was chained up, but I was at the beach, I feel like people were planning to throw me into the ocean and so that I would, like, sink to the bottom. That happened to a board game friend of mine. Do you have a friend that's a board game? Yeah.

Shelf. Shelf buddies. What was his name? Oh, Gungongi. Gungongi. Oh, no. Oh, no. We'll never get to play Gugongi. Guys, think of the loss.

I just got so sad. My heart got so sad. We'll never play Gugongi. No, I've heard of this game. You do not want to play Gungi. I want to play Gungi. I want to play Gugungi. Well.

Is that a dangerous game? It's the most dangerous game. After that, of course, man. Man. Gungi, more dangerous than man. What? For real. Oh, man.

I want to spend a, can we spend a whole season getting Gungied? I'm not sure you know what you're asking for. Ronnie, this game is terrible. If you start to play it, all sorts of demons and monsters and creatures will start appearing in your home. That sounds fun as hell. But then somehow later you're in Gugongi for some reason, I think. Oh, so like the people... I think you're Gungi.

So the board game opens up and you're inside Gugongi. I guess. And then there's past players who are also lost Gugongi, who then escape Gugongi. Is that it? And then you're playing Gugongi, but there's no one playing Gugongi. It sounds great, unless it's also kind of weirdly sad in a way that just doesn't feel right. Nope, it's not that. Okay, good.

And monkeys probably too. Monkeys. Oh, tons of monkeys. Demon monkeys. I want to plug a gungi. We got to find it. We got to go to the beach. Let's the four of us.

Okay. And let me point to the four I'm talking about real quick. Just because I've seen how communication does it work. Yeah, there are more people in the tavern. I suppose. Get out of here, you bored horse. He really wants to go to the beach even after hearing Nani's story. I think that horse is coming closer because it wants to hear more about my MFA.

Oh, he's holding up a surfboard. He's a board. Bored horse. All right, this is making sense. I'm going to get some drinks from the bar, and I'll see if the horse wants to go with us. Maybe it'll be a five-some. Give me a sex to go, because I want to have it on the beach. Sex to go for the beach, Ani.

I'm not even going to try to get a red potion. No, no way. Pan in opcon, you need a thing to the bar. Talent wine. Whatever juice the bartender can put into a sniffter. Whatever juice. I've ordered that before. You'll be happy with it.

Probably most juices. Body juice. I meant to say body juice. Yeah, I got it. Body juice. Pan, pan, now that Yusador's not here, I know, look, he's so eager to get terrible secrets about Spintax. And look, we want that too. But we don't know that you're about more than just that.

But I'm curious. Like, Pan Pan, how do you feel about Spintax? Like, he kind of abandoned you. Like, there must be some amount of resentment there. Yeah, yeah. It hurts. You know, I thought I was him. I thought we were the same.

Yeah. And, yeah, I thought that he valued me as much as I valued him. Oh, he's having trouble processing the emotions. Yeah. It's tough. Yeah, buddy. Oh. You know, maybe that's why I wasn't a book for a long time.

Yeah. Because it hurt to be a book. It's got to be tough when you have a book that you're so. closely connected to and it you maybe mean a lot to some people, but then the author is revealed to be a weirdo jerk that everybody rightfully dislikes. Like, what does that do to the books themselves? Yeah, it's almost better to just be like, this book wrote itself. Yeah, like if there was a different dimension, someone would have written that book, even if that person died in a car accident when she was a little girl. I can't, I can't say for sure, but it seems like you're

smiling. Pan, pan, look, I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I went to school for creative writing. I have an M.M. And I spent some time learning about sort of literary theory. And here's the thing. Some people think that authorial intent is the most important thing, that what the author intends the book to be about is the end-all be-all answer.

But other people think that once a book is written, authorial intent means almost nothing. And it's really what other people bring to the book. saying is, I didn't waste my tuition to get an MFA. Talent wine, a sniffter of body juice, and here you are, chunt. Sex to go. Sex to go. I talked to Bored Horse. I think he's willing to give us a ride to the beach.

He says he just wants to go. We don't necessarily have to hang out once we get there. Does Bored Horse understand that our relationship to horses on this podcast is sort of like a sitcom love interest. Like they usually get about three episodes. And every time one comes on, everybody goes, whoa. Yes, he also told me that

his real name isn't Bored Horse, but it rhymes the female part of the body. Blipples. Arnie, you've really opened my eyes. I'm done. I am no longer and do I need spin tax? to have meaning. I'm done.

I'm a done book. I'm a complete work of literature on my own. And now I can have a relationship with the reader. Oh, see, yes. That's the most important relationship between a book and the reader. And Pan Pan, Pan, let me just say, because it seems like it fell out of the back of Isidore's robe, let me just say that to celebrate your new independence, here is a blood rose.

I'm going to put inside you here as a bookmark. and we'll just shut that there I feel like this is supposed to do something to me Shut, what did you do with my blood rose? Oh, I'm using it as a bookmark. It seemed like you weren't really using it. But the blood rose makes wizards fall in love,

which means that they're connected at a higher level of course that all the realms of Ephesius, which means that you've connected the book to the realms of Ephesius, and now what could happen? Maybe we go to the bee? No, I mean to the book. If it's connected, if it's connected.

The book is glowing. Pan Pan, pan, are you okay? I'm feeling an opening in my backside. Uh-huh. Beyond the end, beyond my index, beyond my appendices, the secret chapter. The secret chapter. Oh, we found it. Oh, my gosh.

Pan Pan, pan. know that we respect you and we're dying to get to the beach but please share with us what is hid within this secret shop there's a lot a lot of really messed up stuff in here

it's gonna take some time okay okay so you're saying this is not a one episode revelation you're saying this is something that we could tease out over time I thought I was coming with you you said you're gonna take me with you sure sure we wouldn't leave you someplace and forget to read the history

and chapter and then drop me on the ground. No, no, no, no, no, no. Look. Throw me aside, just like Spintex did. Pan, Pan, pan, look, I know we had you as a book nine or so years ago, and yes, we forgot you existed until very recently, but that's not going to happen again. Not going to happen again. Listen, we found a secret chapter in your prostate. Listen, that's good. You're evolving. All right, all right. It's going to take me a little while to open up.

John, you probably know how this works better than we do. Once I'm comfortable, I'll tell you everything that's in the secret chapter. But for now, I can tell you, Spintax moves toward Northeast here. What? Oh, shit. You mean even now, he's planning some sort of ascendance upon that great and wonderful kingdom? In now! Even now.

But wait, the Northeast is one of the most powerful stopgaps between the wizards controlling all of food. Yeah, that seems like exactly why Spintax would want to take it. Oh, shit. Yeah, why do we think about that? That's why he's no longer writing in the book. It's like you almost didn't need to know that, to know that that's where he was going. He's so much better at plot than we are. If this is a door that Spintax is willing to Ope, I don't know if we can close, did I use that

Right? You sir, did I use that right? No, that's okay. So it's like a past tense, or is it? Oop. You want to say Ope. Oh, if that's a door he's willing to Ope, then I don't know if it can be closed. Closed. You can say closed. Yeah, sorry.

Great, that was great. Closed. Oh, shit. Yeah. That's why you're the book. Yeah. Well, this is indeed troubling news, and we must prepare ourselves for time runs short. For as we all know, in but a mere 20 episodes,

all this shit's going to come to a boil. But we can't go back to the Northeast because Tom Blaine Belroff wants to kill me. Ah! Ah, but didn't we not encounter a Tom Blaine from the past, who perhaps we've planted a seed within to make him good once again? Yeah, and Arnie, it sounds like even if we do run into the Old Kig, he wants to kill Arnie. He doesn't want to kill

Narni. Oh. I gave you bangs. So you're saying the main difference between me and the character in your very successful children's book is that Narni has bangs. What do you want?

Six foot four full beard bangs. That's my Tinder profile. Now, also let us not forget. Chances started recently dating the King's sister. Oh, yeah, there's so much going on, subtly pointing us towards the northeast for the end of this season. Are there any beaches in northeast yet?

Oh, yes, some of the most beautiful beaches in all of food. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Beach night. You know, we've accomplished so much this episode. We should treat ourselves. Yeah, let's take ten episodes off. Well, I don't about that long, but...

Ten episodes off, and let's play a hundred games of Gug-Gong! Just a couple weeks and we'll go to the beach. How's that sound? All right, all right. A couple weeks off and we'll go to the beach. That sounds, yeah, I'm fine, fine, fine, fine. Come on, Pan, Pan, pan, you big beautiful beach read. All right, I'll introduce you to Gugongi.

Gungi. That's what it was. Gungi. While we're at the beach, this doesn't have to be our main thing, but can we spend some time planning a Patreon spinoff where we play Gugongi? I mean, a little time. That's all I ask. Just think of the plot bombshells dropped in today's show

that will come to fruition in just a nearly unlimited number of episodes. Hold our beer, Stranger Things. Usad or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Junk the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rofi. The Pandanomicon was played with that certain jeuner-say nasal confidence by special guest Charlie McCracken. We're taking the next two weeks off for Thanksgiving. I guess Christmas came early.

But to tide you over, each Monday there will be an unlocked bonus episode from behind the Patreon, released to the main feed for free. We'll be back with a new main feed episode on Monday, December 8th. Speaking of Patreon bonuses, it says here, read with enthusiasm, no thank you.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month, including a theoretical future episode where everyone plays Gugangi. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rify. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Stefan Dranger.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. See you right back here on December 8th.