Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 81 - Tiny Lizard (w/ Mayanna Berrin)

Episode Date: December 8, 2025

Scrunch is a tiny lizard that wants to be a dragon. For revenge!Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungScrunch: Mayanna BerrinMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandListen to Arnie’s Christmas music podcast No Skip Christmas!New T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Now, while we ponder the choices before us and what kind of people we've become, let's sit back and enjoy the show. from the magic tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of foon. I'm your host, Arne Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Over ten and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal

behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the ruffled feather, in McShingleshain Forest,

on the outskirts of Hogs' face in the magical land of foon. And I'm joined As always, by my co-host, my good bud, he's my cousin, Chunt the Talking Badger. Charmed, I'm sure. Thanks for having me, honey. Oh, Chunt, what? What is this whole new look you've got going on?

Well, it's a pleasure to be here. I appreciate your time and your signal boost. Of course, I now wear glasses. When you say signal boost, what do you mean by that? I don't know what it means. I saw it on your phone. I assumed it was something positive. You've been saying a lot of terms you've seen from my phone.

lately you've also been talking about holding space signal boosting platforming let's put a pin in this and circle back because i am wearing glasses nowadays and this little scarf because arnie i am now a bestseller um this little book i wrote the little book about narnie yeah about me as like thinly veiled about me we talked about this we talked about this arnie would you believe it's moved 1,200 Unix. Now, of course, in Food... Wait, they've been emotionally affected by your book, 1200 Unix?

In Foon, to become a bestseller, you have to emotionally sort of stimulate some Unix. And if they tear up, if they cry, if they laugh, that's how they rate it. So I've moved 1,200 Unix, and I'm a bestseller.

So, Arne, thank you so much for having me. Wow. Thank you. A sip of coffee from a big mug. Sets it down. crosses my legs who else do we have on the show tonight oh do I need to move down on the couch no chunt first of all you

you're not the guest you're like you're my co-host you're not here to just talk about your book although we can talk about you book we can talk about that later and Arney I do have a autograph copy for you here okay there's just like a muddy paw print on top of this

that's my autograph oh I guess here's the thing I haven't realized this is how you autographed we have neither of a have been asked for our autograph in the 10 and a half years we've been doing this podcast. That is weird. You'd think somebody would want our autograph. Yeah, nobody's wanted our autograph. A little interesting.

Yeah. Anyway, speaking of someone else who, you do not want to see his autograph, Eucidore the Wizard. Why are the chairs all piled up over here? You, Eucidore. Do I sit on the couch now? Chunt, scoot over. Yep, absolutely. And this is my coffee here.

Let me scoge this down. Mostly coffee, winks at the camera. Arnie, where's the camera at? There's no camera. We haven't pivoted to video much to the chagrin of everyone we work with. I'm not sure what a camera looks like, but okay. John, did you somehow morning talk show if I, this corner of the tavern? Arnie, pick up the cards I made for you.

You have a stack of cards, and that's going to prompt everything. Okay. Oh, also, it would be funny if you drank wine and got drunk. I think a lot of people will. would relate to you doing that in the morning, because that's funny. It's funny that you're drinking on the job. Sure. It's charming. I guess so. I mean,

I'm usually drinking on the job, but I don't really like wine. Oh. I don't like wine so much. Well, we do this in a tavern, so it's normal to drink here in a tavern. It's not abnormal. Anyway, my other co-host, Usador the wizard. I am Usador,

Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights. DeVore of Champion of the Great Halls of Tarrakus. The elves, Ghaniak, the dwarves, Gnomias, Zonan and Hook Stengis. And I am known throughout the northeast as Gassiminius Maystar. And I have a new chapter of my book ready. Oh.

So Chun has written his children's book, and now you saw her you barely had started a book. Yeah, I started over from scratch, because everyone hated my book last week. So I started a new book that's about... the erotic adventures of a wizard. Oh, fuck, yes. Is it a children's book? Funnily enough, no. Oh, good.

It is quite erotically charged, and should I read part of the first, a little excerpt from the first chapter for you? I guess. I think that would be good. The wizard rose from his seat and walked across the room, where he transformed himself into a giant eagle. And then, once he flew into the sky, he saw a horse. That horse was beautiful and majestic, and he landed atop the horse.

And then I was going to ask you guys... So horny. This is... So far, this is so horny. Is it? Woo-hoo! Yeah. What?

Woo-hoo. Oh. Oh, thank you for yelling woo-hoo at my beautifully erotic story. Was that you, Arnie? Oh, hey, there's... Oh, a little lizard. A surprise guest, okay. Hello.

Hello, I'm Scrunch. That thing about turning into a giant eagle. Is that true? Did that really happen? You can do that? Is that real? Oh, well, of course I can transform myself into just about anything. I'm one of the most powerful wizards in all of food.

It's a pleasure to meet you. Pleasure to meet you. I am Scunch. As I said, I have traveled far, far from the land of LaGuardia, where all talking lizards come from. and I have just a humble request. I'm so sorry to interrupt your morning show, was it? Can you turn me into a dragon, please?

Oh, absolutely he can, yeah. You sir, go ahead and... I would love to. Yeah? Let's do it right now. Well, the thing is, do you have the proper paperwork? Oh, okay, so I have it in triplicate. It's sorry, it's on a leaf. It's all that I could carry on my tiny lizard body.

But when I'm a dragon, I'll be able to carry all the documentation anyone will ever need. Here you go. Okay. These leaves seem to check out. Scrunch, while he's looking through this stuff, I'm just going to let you know. You turning into a dragon, it feels like a sort of second or third act thing. So, like, he's going to bullshit through this paperwork for a long time.

I'm just letting you know it's probably not going to move as fast as it feels like it is right this moment. That makes sense. And Scrunch, just so you know, and I'm Chunt, by the way. Hi, Chunt. So nice to meet a fellow animal. At some point, we are going to have Usador make salsa. We're all going to put on aprons, and we're going to move to the kitchen set where he's going to make salsa. Make what?

And things are going to go crazy. So just be prepared to make salsa. Okay. And fake it until you make it. Even if you don't know what that is, just big smile, maybe drop something because that'll be funny. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great idea. I also cut a little apron out of a sock.

Hang on. I'm going to just put that on. My goddesses, look at that. Oh, that's adorable. God, we got to pivot to video. I think, uh, chanta Ani, um... Yeah, what is it used to art? I'm thinking that perhaps, uh, that, uh, you know,

scrunch is extremely cute, very small little lizard, very charming. Yeah, I agree. Uh, are we all, are we at all concerned that they may be stepping on Momo's territory? And should we fire Momo? Moma wants to be a dragon? No, no, no, no. Moma's a mouse with human strength. Very adorable, very charming.

But, you know, we have small, charming little creatures. You know, we have also chunt. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. You're charming in a different way. You're sort of a rhapscalian. Yeah, a bit of a scamp. You're so right.

Also, I think Spintax kind of steps on your tail. So maybe we move Spintax in. We should only just have one of everything, I guess. No, no, hang on. No, no, no. Spin tax is a fucking prick. Let's get that straight. Everyone used to love him.

Then he became an evil wizard like the rest of the wizards. And I still fight for the forces of good. Yay, woohoo. Sorry, I eavesdropped on the huddle. No one can really notice when I sneak on in there because I'm just going to hide my own. You can wiggle into any huddle, it seems like. Sure can. I hear lots of things.

Well, I've gone over the paperwork and everything seems to check out. But there are a few. our formalities that I like to do in these cases. Why is that you wish to become a dragon? I'm so glad you asked me that question. Where I come from in LaGuardia. I am the smallest of all the lizards. There are bigger lizards than me, and they all make fun of me,

and they say that I'm just a tiny little guy, and I can't do anything. And then, you know, I get sort of dark feelings inside of me, but one day when I'm a dragon, I'm going to go, back to LaGuardia and I'm going to stomp on everybody and I'm going to tell them to cower. Men will cower before me. Maidens will throw gold at me and they

will all, they will all cower before the villainous toothclaw. That's my dragon name. Did you cower in fear of my dragon. Toothclaw. Toothclaw. I'm going to write things. Those are two sharp things at the same time. Right. I love that.

That's a very specific vibe. You're like, I want men to cower in front of me and women to throw money at me. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Look, I'm perfectly familiar with a revenge monologue. I've given many myself. But it is a warning sign. I just want you to know, if I grant you the power of a dragon,

that is a great responsibility. I know, isn't it exciting? Yes, and with great responsibility comes great power. Okay? Oh, yeah, okay, got it, yeah. So I'm going to be really responsible for how powerful I am. Exactly. And I'm going to have all these powers.

I'm going to breathe fire. and sometimes my claws will turn into ice daggers and I can throw all in people and it'll be so cool. Hold on. You want to be an ice dragon? No, no, no, no. Okay, so here's what I was thinking. Because that's a whole different thing. No, no, no. So I was thinking the head of a fire dragon. Let me write this down.

Of a lightning dragon, the claws of an ice dragon, the belly of an acid dragon. Oh, the belly of an ass dragon? Oh, acid dragon. Acid dragon. Acid dragon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dragon. I would love for someone to say, that guy's got a belly like an ass. I mean,

I mean, this is a lot you're asking for. You're not asking just to be a fire-breathing dragon. You're asking me a fire. Ice, lightning, acid dragon. And the tail is poison. The tail is poison. Which is different than acid. So wait a minute.

You want to be a full-on flip. Flip, of course, standing for fire, lightning, ice. Poison. Yes, and acid soul, a flipper. I want to be a flipper dragon. A flipper? Mm-hmm. What about grass type?

You're going to get grass type in there? Psychic? Maybe, maybe, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I can read minds, and I can read the minds of all the plants. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Sounds pretty boring.

Essentially, this is going to take a lot of work. Okay. There's a lot of different types of dragons that you want to be. Okay. So it's going to take me a little time to kind of cobble a spell together. Uh, you know, it feels more like, uh, maybe a third act thing. Uh, if you give me just a couple acts. I don't know. Third act, even, let's be clear.

Usador has never done anything close to as cool as this. Like, I don't... Did you hear the chapter of my erotic novel? About how you got out of a chair? Well, hold on. He didn't get out of a chair. Not about me. Someone called the wizard. Someone called the wizard. I see. Nope. No first name.

Well, actually, you know what? Let's take a quick break. And when we come back, Yusador of the Blue is going to be showing us how to make his famous salsa. We'll be right back, folks. What is salsa? Bernie, big smile, big smile. He magically lost the ability to know what salsa is or something like that.

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I see. There's like a nice water feature. Yeah, oh, yeah, the big lake. It's been really nice. We all kind of gather around there. We find our favorite rocks to lay out on the sun upon. Yeah, it's really come a long way. Yeah, I think there's an artichoke pizza in there now.

There is. Yeah, we find all the artichokes are. We steal them from the farmers who live in the little town over, and we bring them over, and we chop them up, but everybody has one. It's great. Pretty nice time. You mentioned the chameleons and the iguanas. If it's not rude to ask, Scrunch, what kind of lizard are you? That's the problem.

I don't know. Oh, no. Oh, no. When I hatched out of my lizard egg, I was all alone, and I didn't know what other, I walked around, and everyone was. like, what kind of lizard are you? And I was like, I don't know. And I still don't know. And I traveled far and wide, and I asked people, hey, what kind of lizard am I? And people would say, get out of our bed. We're sleeping. And so I decided I would become the greatest lizard. I saw one flying in the sky one day, and I thought, that's a dragon, because it was one. And I was

going to become that. And then I'd never wonder what kind of lizard I was ever again. Yeah, wow, that's a type of story That would move a eunuch You really think so? I think so Here's my card Oh, I'm... Oh, yeah, I just eat that

And we'll circle back later I have the information Oh, I understand I remember everything I eat And here's what I think I can do For you, I've been crunching the numbers over here And I think that I could definitely

Make you a dragon a mid-sized dragon with a fire claw and a lightning claw and like an icy stare. They won't like shoot ice, but like people, you'll be like, they'll be like, oh. It'll feel like it. Like, oh, what's, hey, mad at me? What's going on? I love it. I love it. I love it. Let's do it. Let's do it right now.

Can I look, no, no. You do whatever is good for you. I would say maybe no ice dragon stuff. I feel like people just aren't really into ice right now. Ooh, you're right. Given how snowy it is outside, yeah. People don't want any more ice right now. Too much ice, I say. Yeah, it's like, fuck that ice.

You're right, too much. Yeah, get out of our city. What about a stair that makes it feel like you're being burned alive by acid? Oh. Okay. Yeah, you could give him an acidic stair. Sure, we can do that. I'm going to have to

I'm going to have to recalculate this though so just give me a couple minutes here How do eye powers work? Like you've got acid eyes Are you at any risk to yourself? Oh, I bet it's one of those things where it's like you know how tears are salty but like your eyes don't feel

that when you cry? I bet it's like that. Oh yeah. Yeah, if they kind of sit in the acid they don't feel it. Whatever happened, Arne, remember like seven years ago you asked you store to give you Betty Davis eyes? Did that ever pin out? I mean, you tell me.

I don't see a bleak, bleak, bleak, I don't really see a difference, but I'll trust you on that. I forgot to specify the age. I can barely see. Yeah, if you if you have acidic eyes, clearly

the nature of your eyes are made to live in an acidic state. That makes sense. That's just the nature of it. What I still don't understand is how does Superman cut his hair? Huh? Ani kept telling us about Superman.

It's a thing from... Oh, Arnie's from another world. I don't know if you're aware. I think I heard something about that. People have talked about this tavern to me, and they're like, there's a wizard there, but there's another guy who's talking about Chicago,

and sometimes people don't know what he's talking about. So that sounds like a thing that would check out. Superman, that sounds like, is he a hero? He's like a dragon, right, Ernie? Oh, really? No, no, he's sort of like Faster than a speeding bullet He shoots fire from his eyes and he breathes ice

Well, he shoots lasers and I guess he flies He does fly Usador Yes Um, I want to be Superman Oh All right All right, I have to read

I have to start over from the game here I mean this is getting a little more exciting Okay Okay Scrunch, I appreciate that you were born. You hash out of your egg, and you didn't know who you were. And you went on a journey of self-discovery. And at some point, you're like, you know what?

I'm not trying to find myself. I'm trying to find someone else and be them. Yeah, exactly. I don't like who I am. Oh, Scrunch. None of us do. Oh, well, did you try turning into a dragon or Superman? That sounds like you should try to be Superman.

Should we all become Superman? I mean, if you can do that. If there's so many supermans, maybe we can finally end the wizard war. Oops, all soups? Oops all soups. Could that be an episode? I have a question. Is Superman a man who is made out of soup?

I just have to ask. Oh, good question. Ani, I don't know. Is Superman made all out of soup? He's not as far as I know made out of soup. Okay, good. But you said humans are like 98.7% soup, right? You said they're mostly soup?

Yeah, they're mostly soup. That's wild. That is wild. So you're your own kind of Superman. Especially in the fall. Okay. Let's see. I don't know that I can churn you into Superman.

Okay. I can definitely turn you into booster gold. Who's that? I don't know. I just heard Arnie talk about it. I just, yeah, I've been saying things. Here's the problem. For 10 and a half years, I've just been talking about bullshit,

and I didn't know that these two were paying attention. I didn't know that they, were taking any of it in. It's like that, is it Sondheim's song? Careful what you say, children listen. Wow. Didn't sound like a song. Ronnie, why?

I have to run out. Just listen to my... Okay, I wrote that down too. Yes, seven episodes from now, they're going to be talking about Sondheim. Yeah. Is Stephen Sondheim also a dragon, or is he more like a Superman? He's like both. He's just a magical being.

Lusador? Yes. Can I be Steven Sondheim? Oh. Let me see. All right, I have to do something to get rid of the case. Eustador, that would be so helpful for your quest. We need someone that can finish the hat.

That's exciting. What happened to the hat? Yeah, what happened to the hat? I don't know. It's not finished. Oh, my. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Euser or Ad finished the hat. And it's snowing outside. This is a very different kind of spell. I think we'll have to go high in a tower, much higher than yours, just as unwakable. Ooh, yeah. And I feel like there's a part that's like Dona no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I completely forgot about the segment.

Thank you all for coming, but we're going to get to salsa. Yes, right now. We're going to get to salsa, yes, right now. We're going to cook salsa, everyone. We're going to cook salsa today. Put on our aprons, put on your sock, here you scrunch. Yep. All right.

The best thing about this is, I don't know if there's a song happening or you're all just talking weird. It's more patter, I guess. I guess I'll cut up tomatoes. I sound stupid, though. Okay. I mean, we can continue to... Yeah. I'm really good at squishing.

I have tiny little lizard hands, but if there's, like, small vegetables, I can squish them real good. Oh, chunt, is there any way we could reconfigure this segment into a guacamole segment? Absolutely. Yeah.

Here, smash up these avocados. Get to town. You got it, boss. Squish, squish, squish. Chunt, chunt. Yeah, is it just me or scrunch? just delightful, so helpful and positive, I, I just feel

bad that they, they feel so bad about themselves. Yeah, I'm not thrilled that you sort of said smash these avocados and scrunch is squishing them, but that aside, 100% that out of dead delightful. Sure, sure. I'm just worried about the guacamole

segment. Yeah, it's really, it's going to shit, this guacamole segment. And, and Arnie, think about it. If we, Scrunch is so affable and friendly and, and kind, if Scrunch gets turned into a dragon, we could then possibly ride

Scrunch into battle against Spintax to stop him from, you know, destroying the Northeast. Yeah, just put some brown sugar in that. You got it, but... Yeah, Shunt, that's a good thing. While they're working on this, I've been meaning to talk to you. Since we found out that Spintax is going to try to take over the Northeast, and if he does

that, he will be able to conquer all of Foon. I've been trying to send messages to Tom Blaine Bellaroth. He keeps killing the messengers and sending them back. I just keep, every day I keep getting dead birds. I tried to send a wolf with bat wings, which is the most reliable but most dangerous way to send a message. Sure.

He just sent this wolfhead back. Oh, that is disgusting. And, Arne, I do need to come clean. Wait, the wolf dead? What? Oh, do you want a wolfhead in the guacamole or? Oh, no, no, no, that's okay. Okay.

This is how you make it, but I went ahead and made some beforehand. So here's how you make brown sugar and beef guacamole. Oh, Arne, I do have to come clean Those birds were You can't expect me to let those words Just slide, so to speak Those birds were a gift from me I tend to bring you a dead bird every morning

It's just sort of a gift Oh Because you're like my owner So maybe those warning messages I've sent to Tom Blaine Have been received I'm just assuming that he's And still angry at me Sure, sure sure, sure

Yeah. And I'm your owner, you said? I'm sorry, I didn't want to cause in, best friend. I also heard it. Sorry, I didn't mean to, but I just couldn't help myself. I mean, I've always tried to avoid calling you a pet, but it seems like you've put yourself into that pet category now. Yeah. Yeah, I thought the scarf was like a, like a character choice, not like a collar type situation. Oh, yeah. I guess it could be sort of a call. You know, the more I'm just a badger and I've lost all magical ability, the more I just feel like, I don't know, sort of a want or a need to be, like, taken care of, I guess. And if being a pet provides that, then, you know, maybe I'm a pet. Sure. You can be my pet, buddy.

Do you want me to start introducing you as my pet? Maybe. I kind of like it. We can workshop it. Yeah, just live with it a little bit. Let's try this guacamole. Oh, brown sugar and beef, my favorite. Mm-hmm.

Yum. Oh, that's sweet. That is sweet, Gwok. Oh, this is terrible. Why are you guys pretending to like it? It's awful. Yeah. No, I said it's sweet.

I didn't say it's good. Oh, oh, oh, sorry. Sorry. It's just, it's like, cloyingly. It's like saffron sweet. Yeah. I put some apple cider in there, too. Jesus Christ.

I feel like there's got to be another name for what this is besides guacamole. It's a pile of shit. Yeah, trash pot. Well, that's how you make trash pile Okay Next week We'll have a new segment Where we make a

What should I make this? Ooh, make a lizard a dragon Next week we'll be making a lizard Into a dragon Wow Scrunch, can I talk to you privately for a moment? Yeah, yeah, yeah I can climb up into your pocket

Or I can be in your hand Or pocket sounds good Okay, cool Or shirt pocket Yeah, there we go Oh, so What the fuck is this? Is that lizard is pet?

No, right in this pocket. I don't know. It seems like really stumpy on your territory. So, Scrunch, I'm really hopeful that you can get everything you want. You want to be a dragon. But I just want to direct your attention to the whole garbage pile situation. So Yusador tried to make guacamole, and he made a garbage pile. Yeah.

So I just want to... A trash pile! So I just want to calibrate your expectations on this whole becoming a dragon thing. Uh-huh. Is any of this getting through to you? Oh, no. Yeah, I didn't think so. You're so adorable, Scrunch.

Oh, thanks. I don't want to be, I don't want to be a trash pile. Do you think he's going to put the tail where the eye should be or the teeth, where the toes should be? I don't want to turn into a freak of nature. At minimum, one thing is going to be where something else is supposed to be. At minimum. Oh, no. Ha! I've done it!

I can easily make you into a Komodo dragon wearing a cape, a red cape. Whoa. I wouldn't say no to that. How do I, how do I, um, how do I politely, um, how do I politely decline the offer? Well, you don't have to politely decline yet. First, hear all the details. Okay. You'd be a Komoto dragon with a red cape like Superman. But you might have a third eye. I can't say where. And Scrunch, I typically, when I want to sort of

politely decline, I give a big smile, give a big thumbs up, and say, no. Oh, yeah. No. Oh, okay. No, thank you. I'll keep working on it. We have time.

I'll keep working on it. Don't worry. It's just my, it's a first draft, early draft. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the first draft? Is that like, does it get better or does it get worse? I think he's working on the screenplay of his novel. I don't know.

Oh, no, but it's not done yet. It's only one scene. Exactly. Exactly. He's, I'm like, I keep telling him, write your book. Don't, don't already work on the screenplay and the stage production. He's just working on too many stuff. He's working on action figures.

What? But of the wizard? Yeah. He hasn't even named the wizard yet in the book, and he's making action figures. I just don't feel like I have enough affinity for the character to care enough to have a physical embodiment of it on my lizard shelf made out of three. You never will, and you never will. I'm pretty sure. Iser, what's this drawing?

Cung-Fuck-action grip? Yeah, that's it. Cung-Fuck-action grip. Yeah, I'm working on the cung-fuck-action grip. It's got to have an ab crunch so it can really get into all those, you know, real sexy parts. Arnie, does the wizard know martial arts? Is that part of the development of the character? I don't think the wizard knows anything.

I'm sorry, Chunt. That's a typo. I meant to write marital arts. Oh, I was going to say, You know partial arts. In a pinch, you could probably kick someone. Yeah, oh, yeah. Arnie, this story is going to be bad.

We have to do something. No, just let him fail for a long time. That's what I usually do. Chantua, I've got you alone. Can I ask you a quick question? Yeah, anything. You were listening to my story before, and the eagle landed on the Puporce.

Oh, yeah, that was my favorite part, actually. So what happens next? Well, I don't know. Can I read more? No, no, I'm asking you, like, I think something sexy should happen after that, But I was like, is it like a wing on a thigh or? Oh, maybe the horse is wearing a bra and the eagle accidentally with its talent like undoes the bra?

Funny and sexy. I love it. Or the horse says, undo my bra, maybe? Scrunch. I have to help. I have to help. No, scrunch. We just met.

I know this is a lot to put on a stranger. I am worried. We are doomed. I am worried. We are fucking doomed. I have to save that. I have to be Superman. Usador.

Sorry, I couldn't help it over here that idea. I know that I want to be a dragon, but I'm actually also a girl, and I think that you would perhaps benefit from a female perspective. Oh, a little late, just placed an order for 500 action figures of a horse and lingerie. No. No, Lucidor, Lusador, and my many travels, I have seen romance, and typically it involves connection. So what does the wizard want?

Oh, well, the wizard wants to stop evil in all its forms and make a great name for himself so that he may spread goodness and freedom and health and happiness throughout all of food. Or whatever the name of this world is. You know, it's not necessarily here. For sure. What does that have to do with romance? Oh, good point. Yeah, you kind of, you know, sometimes,

because if that's a lot of stuff in Ouzid, sorry, the wizard's life already, and, you know, if there were a maiden, perhaps she might be like, where am I in all of this, you know? Or a horse. Or horse, yes. In a bra. It's an excellent point.

I'm going to change this, my script. I'm going to put the word evil in front of all the instances of horse. Oh, okay. an enemies to lovers situation. No, it's just going to have the bird kill the horse. We really fuck the action figures we just ordered. What?

Nothing. No, no, no, I think you're on to something here who's a door. Because if the horse is evil and the wizard is good, perhaps through the power of love, they could come together and the horse could see the error of their equine ways.

Scrunch, this is what I've been telling everyone. Arnie, back me up. up here. I keep finding evil-doers throughout Foon, many of our most stalwart villains, and I've always wanted to convert them to the side of good, and none of them

have taken me up on the offer yet. This is the story I should tell, converting evil to good. Through the power of romance. Through the power of love and romance. It shan't be sexual at all. It should be very chaste. At least in the beginning.

And then they shall learn from one another And they shall grow together A slow build And then it's gonna get hot as hell Yeah, after they've connected And see each other as like people and stuff With interior lives See each other as people

Interior lives Okay I think I'm on to something I think that's at least two chapters Wow Oh but your problem Let's see Sorry I've got so many things going on here

I've got this book. I've got this screenplay. I've got the stage adaptation. I have the web series, which only goes to spiders. I, of course, have, you know, the Broadway rights. That's the version where the book's much wider so that people's bad eyesight can read it. The action figures, of course, I'm working on,

and of course, the lunchboxes. Oh, you know, Isadour, I realize that you're... Bandwidth, which is a word that I think Chunch said when they became a bestseller, might be a little stretched. So I'm going to do you a favor. Okay. Don't worry about turning me into a dragon or Superman. No, no, no, no.

No, no. Erroro chero, kharo kathal, kathal, and kentat, or otteral. Oh, shit. Chutz, it's happening. And it's happening at a pace that I feel like would probably be close to being finished when we finish with this commercial brand. Wow.

So, smoke. I mean, I don't know that you're fully dragon-sized, but you're big. Thank you. I still have this voice. Yeah. Whoa, big S. Big S on your chest. Is that a scar or a scrape?

I can't tell. It's scrunch. I'm scrunch. I'm super scrunch. I can fly. Oh, I shouldn't hit the ceiling. That would be bad. Sorry, ceiling.

I can see. And I can cry acid. Ow. Thank you. Thank you, Louisador. And now I can fight the evils that plague this land. Yes. Get rid of all the evil wizards.

Yeah. Oh, excellent, Scrunch. Now that you are a force for goodness, a powerful person, I want to remind you of two things. Okay. I can still count. One. Yeah.

Being Scrunch was always enough. Then why did you do the spell? Because that's what they wanted. That doesn't mean it doesn't take anything away from their transformation. And two, Scrunch. Uh-huh. You owe me one. Oh, yeah. What is it? What do you want?

I want you to defeat, help me defeat evil. I want you to join mine quest. Okay. And when the time comes and I send up that signal. Uh-huh. Yeah. The scrunch signal. Yeah. It's an S and a U, so you know it's from me to you. Yeah, I get it. I see the vision. Then you'll have to come and come to my aid in our time of greatest need. I can do that.

Excellent. Yeah. And then I do want to help you write the screenplay book thing. I think that some female perspective might be very helpful for you. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I was thinking if there was like a scene where the wizard was like working out, you could just see him getting kind of sweaty and really like ripped.

What do you think of that? Yeah. Is it like, is it framed in a way that men will think it's cool or is it framed in a way that Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. For men to think it's cool. No, no, no, no. I think what you might want to replace it with is maybe the wizard's sensually dicing

vegetables in a tasteful cable-knit sweater while leaves fall in a window in the background and jazz plays. And a maiden, and she comes home and he says, how is your day? And she goes, it was actually really hard. And he stops chopping the vegetables. To tell a story about himself. So no, no, she wanted to talk about something. Oh, okay, I see, I see. So he cradles her hand gently, and he goes, what's wrong?

Are you okay? And then she talks about her day, and then he listens. Then he fixes it. No, no, no. So then they kiss, because what she really needed was for somebody to hear her. And then there's, we've Pan, which is where Peter Pan comes, and he moves the perspective over a little bit to a camp, to like a warm fire, and the fire is a symbol for them having relations.

Arnie, have we told you about Peter Pan? Sort of a man who floats. He's made entirely peanut butter, and he loves to tell you where to look. Huh. I'm a little worried with these screenplay changes that my big scene were the two horses, the two women horses in lingerie talk about a guy. I feel like that's going to get scrapped, and I feel like that was like a really pivotal scene.

Can the two women horses talk about anything else? What else is there to talk about? Oh, no. They're going to talk about a guy that's not there. Arnie, what are you talking about? This is storytelling one or what? But what did the horses in lingerie want? Well, one of them's a frustrated artist.

Okay, okay. That's exciting. Okay. I'm guessing they probably won out of that lingerie. It cannot be comfortable. Arnie, calm down. It will get there. It just has to build.

I know what it is. The lingerie was designed by a man, and they are trying to get rid of it. That way, they can still be talking about a man, but it is associated with their interior life. And there need to liberate themselves from the shackles of lingerie. Are those literal shackles? No, no, no, no, no. These are metaphorical shackles. You know how some of them you feel like you've got chains around your heart?

Yes. Sure. I think I might have gotten a little bit of the Sondheim in here, too. Oh, yeah. Holy cow. I was just thinking that maybe it's because Scrunch, now that you're so big, I'm taking all of your notes more seriously, all your ideas. That makes sense. Okay, so then he holds her hand, and they kiss, he listens to what she has to say, and then outside there's a huge explosion. Okay, then that part makes sense if they both, after having a night of sensual romance, they both, They both put on their cool masks and they go,

The city needs us because the hard day she was having was she had to go down to the magical courthouse because they were trying to say no more magical super elves can do super elf work in the city because she was also, yeah, and they're trying to put all of the super elves on a list. And there's a reimagined metallic man who actually is kind of down for the list. but the superelves who got the super magic potion that made them super strong are anti-the-list. And then there's a big sort of magical war of some kind. And then the web comic people show up

and everyone goes, I wasn't expecting the spiders to be here. No, and expected the Spider-Men. Yes, well, I think, yeah, it feels like it's going to be hard to get the rights to get booster gold in this, but I think otherwise, I think we're pretty good. I can shake them down. I can go and scare them and be like,

Give us the rights. Yeah. It's not worth it. Okay. Yeah. Don't worry about it. Okay. But if you put that signal in the sky, I'll know you changed your mind.

If I put that signal in the sky, it means we're taking on the wizards. Okay. Finally bringing peace to food. And I'll need you by our side, along with our other companions. Like, uh, who else is, who else is, uh, helping out right now? Almost no one has agreed to help us fight the wizards. Really? A lot of people said no.

Okay. I will stand by your side. Thank you, Scrunch. Thank you, Shrunch. What about Momo? Does Momo going to stand by our side? I think Mom was busy with her show. All right.

We should fire her. But you're right, though. Actually, let's start a list of people that we can circle back with and really confirm they're going to help us defend the Northeast from the Wizards. Okay. Yeah, I'll start making that list. Okay, sexy horses and lingerie are out. Oh, come on.

No, no, no, they're busy. They can't help. I remember that. Momo is a maybe. Let's see. How else will we talk to recently? The king, Tom Lane is out. Scrunch, while we figure this out,

what's next for you now that you're a big, powerful dragon? Like, will you go back to LaGuardia? Do you want people to see the new you? You know what I was thinking about? I originally wanted to turn into a dragon so that I could show people who I really am. Really? What I actually wanted was to show me who I really am.

So I don't need to go back to LaGuardia, unless it's to visit my family for the winter solstice holidays, which I probably will because they make really good soup. But it's about me embracing the real me, the me that was inside of me all along, and also helping Usador with their screenplay book. Thank you. Thank you so much.

You're welcome. And also fighting all the wizards and stopping the war and stuff. I'm not really in war or any of that kind of thing. Oh, yeah. I mean, who is? I mean, I suppose war mongers. Yeah, I don't get why that would be the thing that they chose to be. If you could choose to be anything, why would you choose to be a war monger?

Yeah, I don't know. You know what, Scrunch? I'm learning a lot from you in this episode. I'm being perfectly honest. When you came on, you're very adorable, and you said you wanted to be a dragon. And in the back of my mind, I was like, that's not going to happen. I should probably convince scrunch that they're,

like, that who they are is right. You know, kind of similar to how, like, if your friend is like, I'm going to go back to school and study interior design and the back of your head, you're like, don't do that. I told you that in private. Sorry, Usenor. But you want to, you seem happy.

You wanted to be a dragon and you're a dragon. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know what people need. You know what? That's a good point. But I think what I realized is although I am different on the outside, what I was on the inside was already enough. Yeah.

Indeed. Which is fortunate as this spell only lasts about an hour. You know what? That's okay. Oh, wow. I'd be fucking pissed. I would be so pissed. And we can do it again later when I send up the signal.

I'll turn you into dragon again. You'll be a dragon for about an hour. That makes so much sense. I think we can defeat evil in about an hour. I think that, you know, every story I've ever heard about, it's usually the last hour is kind of how long the bad part takes. And then the rest of it is like everyone's learning stuff about each other and whatnot. So, Usador, thank you.

Thank you for not changing me permanently, because perhaps the real change was the change in me that I had to embrace after the change had changed back. Wow. Wow. This should be, this should be the book. I'm actually going to use that in my new book, Laundiery Horse. Damn it.

Chapter one, she slid out of her horse panties. Oh. Huh? I don't, let's, I can't visualize any part of that. Let's table the term horse panties. I'd also just say, I would say she, like, clopped. She clopped out of the horse panties. Oh, yeah.

A great attention to do you. She trotted out of her horse panties and galloped. Mm-hmm. Towards a chair. Yeah, she galloped out of her horse panties. Still not sure about horse panties, but okay. She, like, rode off into the sunset against a beautiful sky as the colors of the clouds blended into a gradient of warms and pinks and yellows.

Whoa, that is good. Oh, so beautiful. Thank you. And she was dragging ass. Yeah. Do you guys mind if we take a moment and answer some emails? um i'll allow it big smile thumbs up no oh shit uh so listeners you can always email us at magic tavern at puppies that supplies is a real email address or even better you can join our

patreon at patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and message us there um since we announced that we're going to try to figure out a way to bring humans to foon uh a plan that we is in its very early stages. Gotten lots of emails from people sort of saying they want to be considered. Many of them really just have podcasts that they want to promote, so I'm not really sure where I'm going to put them in the hierarchy. But here's an email from someone who wrote, greetings Arne, Usador, and Chunt. Greetings. Hello. I am formally submitting my application to move to Foon. I have been listening to the podcast since the beginning, and I shall be looking to acquire an official moving Defoon's shirt, but I was wondering if I could be moved up in line due to my special ability

of having a voice that really disturbs people who hear it. I often get asked to stop talking like that when I adopt a certain cadence and tone. Could that help Usador in his quest to defeat evil? I do have a family, but they don't listen, and I was wondering if I could get a copy of myself to leave behind. Anyway, looking forward to your reply, thank you for this opportunity. Oh, and all the entertainment from the podcast, Andrew S. in Virginia. You can definitely get a copy of yourself to leave behind, but you'll still have acidize. Oh. And the copy will left behind.

However, this special power you speak of, a voice that people find irritating. Boy, we have that covered in space. Yeah, we probably out of that. Think about Can the Wizard, think about Pizza Skull. Think about, you know, spin tax, bloody of people with annoying voices. Yeah, Andrew, or I'll call you Drew, if you talk in, uh, you know, Drew, if you talk in an annoying voice or cadence, uh, Arnie, what did you do with, uh, Drew and Foon? Uh, I think Drew is dead. Hmm.

I think Drew died. Yeah. Oh, no. No, no. I have never seen someone's application more quickly go, go to the bottom of the pile. I can eat it if you want. That'd be great. All right, one more quick email.

Here's another one. Dear Chunt, Usador, Arnold, and possible guests. So that's for you, Scrunt. In a previous episode, while Arnie was planning to widen the portal to Earth, he'd mentioned it was too small for him to fit through. This reminds me about a story on Earth we have about a friendly little bear who loves to eat honey named Winnie the Pooh. In the story, he has been known to get stuck in his own front door when his butt gets too fat. so he'll be half outside his house and half with his butt indoors.

Arnie mentioned he is also trapped between the two worlds with his waking self having a normal day job on Earth and his sleeping self-adventuring in Fune. Is it possible that Arnie physically, spiritually or psychologically, never actually made it all the way through the portal the first time he arrived? And so by being in between worlds, he can operate as a passage between Foon and Earth so long as people are willing to find his earth's self

and physically, spiritually, or psychologically, crawl into his butt and out his mouth. Okay, anyway, I guess I didn't need to read that. Yeah, you definitely did not. Also, I would like to not promote people finding Arnie on Earth. Yeah, that is also. Don't do that. Let's not do that.

Yeah, don't do that, please. But what I will say about your theory is, this bear, frankly, sounds stupid. Did he dive out of his door, head first? What is, how does he, how does he walk through a door? Also, why didn't he just build a bigger door to his house? Thank you. And Winnie is a horse's name.

It's what they do. Winnie the Pooh, whinney should be wearing horse panties. No, no, no, no. Winnie is a mathematician's name. Also, is Pooh a type of bear? Or is that just his last name? Oh, yeah. Or is Winnie his title kind of like, sir?

I'm so confused where the the the is the the middle name Muni the boo I guess he's a poop Orney I do remember when the portal was too small you did try something where you left on your pink polo but you took off your pants and underwear and you were walking around

saying oh bother and then you tried to climb through it didn't work but it was fascinating I was I need to try everything I just need to try everything I tried it also without a shirt but wearing pants I just don't know how this is going to work. That's the mathematician

in you. Exactly. That's exactly right. I don't know how to solve this problem. We should all go talk to Owl. Who? Owl? Yeah. Do you think each one of us represents some sort of

mental disorder? Yes. Absolutely. Does that mean I represent the enlightenment that awaits us all once we've really done the work. That sounds right. Yuzido the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chontha Talking Badger was played by Adderl Rify. Scrunch the Lizard was played by special guest Mayanna Barron.

Myana is a writer for Dispatch, Baby Shark, and Wild Pack. And she's a voice actor in the game's dispatch and fire emblem. A Voice Actor. We'd benefit from one or two of those around here. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes

each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode, a behind-the-scenes chat about the last stretch of episodes in season two. Listen in as this content machine swallows its own tale. Okay, I do want to talk about one of my favorite interludes or sort of spin-off episodes

we've ever done, which is near the end of season two, hello from the future, where we did a kind of like our space universe thing. And the idea was we didn't want to do Star Wars, we didn't want to do Star Trek, that stuff felt like it was really done a lot, but that it would be fun to do kind of like a, I don't even know what you would call it. I was going to say space opera, but that's what Star Wars is, like a sort of Flash Gordon-esque.

It's a pulpier space opera. Yeah, just a kind of. weirder thing like that and I would play a kind of sort of borderline villain or at least just very full of himself version of my character

who you know by some degree could be considered one of the villains of the series To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show including how to gift a Patreon subscription visit patreon.com slash magic tavern Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced

by Arnie Neacamp Matt Young and Adder Rofi. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Sage G.C. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBann. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.