Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 83 - DQ in Pizza Hell (w/ Tim Ryder)

Episode Date: January 12, 2026

A quest to Pizza Hell to save Arnor the Warrior... leads to a reunion with the elf D’athaniel Quen’yarvin. What's he been kicking in Pizza Hell?CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungD'athaniel Quen'yarvin: Tim RyderMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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the following podcast is not real. Don't believe me, check out this setup. When we last left our heroes, they were headed to pizza hell to save Arnor the warrior. I was thinking of saying this answers the question, are there podcasts in hell?

But really, was that ever seriously in doubt? Now sit back and enjoy the show. It's right here behind this sausage. Here, follow me into this pizzeria. It'll give us some respite from the constant attacks of anchovies and sauce. Pizza hell is the worst, but there'll be some respite here inside the pizzeria. Oh, okay. Oh, thank God, this is...

I know we've been fighting for our lives, but this is probably a good place for us to get back. to doing the podcast. Yeah. Okay. Oh, man, this has been seven sort of circular rings of pizza hell. This has been awful.

I mean, pizza hell is panormous. Yes, it is, it is quite a hellacious landscape, and it is enormous, as you say,

panormous. How shall we? Oh, bar keep, an ale, just an ale, I suppose. All they have is ale.

Yeah. It's sort of a light ale. Yeah, it's sort of flat. Yeah, sort of flat light ails. I know. The worst thing about pizza hell, all they have is ale and Pepsi. And it's served in these weird sort of red cups. I kind of like the cups, though. I got to say, there's something about them that I like. And the roof of pizza hell is very distinct roof to pizza hell. Not to mention, the roof of my mouth, which has been burned by all the molten cheese. I know. Okay, but guys, guys, set our mics, let's set our mics down here. This is going to be, I think it's going to be centering for us to

get back to doing the podcast. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Kemp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Over 10 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical land of Foon. More recently, we fell through a dimensional portal into Pizza Hell, and we are questing to find Foon's greatest warrior Arnor who died on Fune, but now is apparently somewhere in Pizza Hell. John Usador, did I do a good job of explaining what's going on? An excellent job.

And it did recent to me. I feel more focused than I have been to complete our quest to find on. For I love going on a quest. And it even makes it worth having tiny little green pepper shoved into the souls of your feet here in Pizza Hell. Oh, the worst. And Pizza Skull seemingly just kind of fucked off after we jumped through the portal. I haven't seen Hydenor hair of him. Well, I suppose when you've completed the seven great pizza challenges to get out of Pizza Hell to become Foon's pizza champion, I don't suppose you'd want to rush back to Pizza Hell.

Oh, you know what? And I wish Pizza Skull was here. You know why? Last episode, he said something that I meant to ask follow-up questions about, but didn't have the opportunity to. He said, before he was a floating pizza skull, before he died, he was just a floating head. Who the hell was Pizza Skull? don't think that's true. I think he was a regular guy. I think it's been established that he was a regular guy and that was a crazy fucking thing to say. So you think Pizza Skull was lying that he used to be a floating head? Why would he say that? What kind of maniac would just say that? I think when you are a giant floating pizza skull who's the pizza champion of food, you're untethered from reality. Yeah, I suppose that's true. Also, it feels like he went to Pizza Hell. It feels like he would be from Pizza Hill, right? It feels like he would be some sort of demon or something. Look, I have all the Same questions you guys have.

My worst fear is if we ever do get back to food, are we going to become pizza-fied in some way? Oh, that's your worst fear? It's up there. What's your worst fear, chent? I guess similar, but turned into a sub. Oh, yeah, too much. Just because pieces can fall out of you. With pizza, it's all on top, so, you know, it's less likely that it'll sort of slough off.

But with sandwiches, it's right in the middle. Yeah. Getting stabbed slowly. Huh. I've seen you stabbed so many times. Yeah, but not slowly. Yeah, that's true. Something about knowing that it's happening is just unsettling.

Yeah. I guess the one good thing about pizza hell is that it is technically all you can eat. And I do love pizza, even now. We've been eating it for a week. Still not sick of it. Still pretty good. Well, there's so many styles. Yeah, there's dessert pizza down here, which I've never had.

Barkeep, barkeep, can we have a dessert pizza over here? He spat cheese in my eye, but he's bringing it. Is everyone we encounter here in? pizza hell, someone that has died and ended up in pizza hell? Or just like pizza demons? Arnie, yeah, of course they're pizza demons. What kind of stupid question is that? You think the first person who died in pizza hell just got the whole thing started? You think it was empty before that? Oh, shit. What are you talking about? That's a pretty good premise for a hell, though. Oh, well? Just like a DIY hell, like the first person is like, I don't know, I guess.

Next podcast. I'll start torturing people. The next person that shows up, I'm torturing them. Arnie, when you create your own personal pan hell, go nuts. Do you want. Ooh, I am thirsty. I feel like I haven't seen any drinks here. I guess there's the flat white ale, but it feels like it's evaporated before it hits my tummy? Yeah.

Guys, is it just me? Over there in that corner booth, that person looks so familiar. That hooded stranger? that very lithe and mysterious. Whoa, he just cut a pizza with his foot. Whoa. He like kicked the... What the fuck?

Say, friend, why won't you join us over here? Is that all right that I invited him over? Was that too forward? I mean, you could have asked us. Oh, sorry. Should I invite him over? Because I already did. Yeah, it's pizza hell.

Let's go. Forget about it. Greetings from the forest of hell. Pizza hell. Greetings from... From the forest of Pizza Hill. Oh, shit. I recognize that voice.

Yes. Could it be? Your ears do not deceive you, Fiannialic. Tis I, Dathaniel, Quinn Yarvin. Oh, my goddesses, hot eats, and cool feats at DQ! So happy to see you. And it is a pleasure to perceive you with these weary eyes. Fiannialic, chunt, my shape-shift.

friend and human you are here as well hey Nathaniel Quinn Yarvin it's good to see you don't don't say it I'm saying it exactly the same way as everybody else honestly one of his better attempts I have to say well you're improving see that's something

okay okay hell's been good on you after several years of knowing each other you are getting scarily close to pronouncing my name correctly so daff and then we're right back to the beginning Last time we saw you on Foon, you were dead. You were a ghost.

Yes. And now you're here in Pizza Hell? Yes. The story of my journey to Pizza Hell is long and arduous. But I am here, and if I may demonstrate by placing a hand upon your shoulder, I am corporeal. Wow. Wow. Well, that would make sense.

You can't be non-corporial when you're in hell. otherwise you can't be tortured. I'm sorry, pizza tortured. Yeah. Indeed, it would just really screw up the whole deal. So there are no ghosts in pizza hell. Nope. Well, when ghosts make the journey to either heaven or hell,

they return to their corporeal forms so that they can either bask in their reward or be tormented by whatever the theme of that particular hell is. This is true. You can't feel pain if you don't have a body. Oh, yeah, never thought about that. DQ, I have to ask, have you seen your dad down here? Chant.

Isn't he always mad about his dad or something? I guess so, but I don't know. It just seems a little rude. Hey, welcome to hell. Have you seen your mom down here? I mean... We'll just assume that the family member you have issues with is down here in hell. But to answer your question, Chant, no.

I have not. I can only assume that means that my... father is still alive. Elves have very long lifespans and he is perhaps still enjoying his life on food, ignoring me and paying attention to his quote, real family. Unquote. Oh man. For if he were to be dead, he would surely find himself in this or another hell. Yeah, I was going to say he might be in a different hell. He could be an ice cream hell, elf hell, elf hell. Tree hell. Oh, dog hell. Did you say tree hell? How many tree hells are there?

I don't know, Arning. How many do you think? I guess is there just one tree hell? Oh, no. Never mind. Yeah, no, you're right. Never mind. That's better. Ah, make it stop. Make it stop. The number of hells that could apply to that person are truly endless. Well, if it helps level the plane feels at all, Chunt said something that might have been upsetting to you, Nathaniel Queniarvin.

But you also said something that might be upsetting to him, although you didn't know it. You called him a shapeshifter. And sadly, Chunt has lost his shapeshifting ability, and he is but a badger now. Oh, my dear friend, Chunt, I apologize. I did not know. Oh, it's no, it's no worries. I mean, we're all in hell right now, so pizza hell, to be excited. X, so I think there's bigger fish to fry.

Indeed. Although it would have been super helpful to have a shape shifter here. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, that's fair. Like, that would have been great. I will say, if you had to choose one shape, I think you chose the right one. Your badgerness is looking especially badgerly. Thank you so much.

I think all this cheese has been great for my coat. Extra lustrous. Thank you. Thank you. And you're looking well yourself. I mean, your legs look so sort of sveled and powerful. Thank you. They have been getting a workout.

Would you like to hear what brought me here down to Pizza Hell? Absolutely. You said it was a long story, though. So maybe we should take a quick break and then find out. I'm starting to think we're never going to hear this story. Hmm, the anticipation. Now, Arnie, we had time for you to say One Tree Hell, so I think we have time to hear DQ's story, okay?

That's fair. That's fair. DQ, I am sincerely interested to hear how you ended up in Pizza Hell. Oh, thank you, human, for your sincere concern. I believe you implicitly. Oh, it didn't sound that sincere to me. I agree. My statement was mostly sarcastic feeling yet.

I see now. I'm so sorry. So there I was. A ghost wandering throughout foon, unable to do the thing that I loved so much to kick. Until I heard tell of a place where supernatural beings gathered to share postings for employment. It was but a tiny spot, a crossroads, nothing bigger than a dot on the map where supernatural

creatures, ghosts, goblins, could gather and share things, glom on to one another to take journeys. So I checked out monsters.glam, and there was a listing. for a pizza chef. And I thought, that's interesting. That's something I haven't tried before. There was indeed fine print that said, need not be corporeal to apply, which in my current state was a big plus.

Sure. Not included in the fine print was that the location was in Pizza Hell, which in retrospect, I do wish that they had mentioned. But I applied. I received an offer, and here I am, kicking dough to my heart's content. Wow. Yes, I do the thing where I send the dough up in the air to stretch it out, but I use my feet. Wow.

Wow. And did they have a lot of corporeal training for you? Is that why you're solid now? Yes, there was a bit of a learning curve, knowing that I, remembering, I should say, that I can't walk through walls, and I've given myself a couple bruises. Because I forget and just try and bong, really bonged myself. There's a lot of trade-offs with a corporeal job. Like, you get great benefits, steady pay. But you're working in the corporeal world, so, you know.

Stock options, you have the option to stock shelves. Yeah, that's an option. Ingredients, yeah. And I do, I stock them often. So I've been learning to make pizza, which is truly thrilling for me at this point in my life. that pizza is, from what I've been told, occasionally used to feed people and occasionally used to torture people, which doesn't feel great. That's not ideal in terms of an end point of pizza, but here we are. You know, you can't complain if you're not in the game.

Ooh, I like that. I am back in the game, as it were. I have to say, I'm quite impressed that pizza hell is done. a world of good. You seem to be in the best spirits we've seen you in in years. Yeah, and you got a little mustache now. Thank you. I am. I am a little chef, and I have the mustache to match. I will say, the dough is fun. The sauce is tricky in terms of leg and foot manipulation. Or couldn't you do some of that with your arms?

How dare you? I'm so sorry. Cusador. I'm so sorry. I just, I just, if you're having trouble, I thought maybe, you know, you've got this turn of this new leaf on life. Maybe you get your arms in there. See what's going on. You know very well that these willowy arms of mine could scarcely pick up a ladle, let alone a ladle, filled to the brim with sauce. Yeah.

Well, I knew you had trouble, you know, pulling back a bow to fire an arrow, which is why you turned to kick you. initially. Indeed. I thought, try starting with like a spoon, like a regular-sized spoon, and then work your way up to a little. Hmm.

Arm training. An interesting thought. It's not the craziest idea I've ever had. I have spent many years skipping every single arm day. Yeah. And that is what has brought me here. Perhaps with your encouragement, Viannialik, I may try.

I may try to pick up a spoon with my hand. Some would say, that this is an obstacle insurmountable at any effort expended. And yet, I believe I can try. Think of it as kicking with your arms. Wow. Perhaps the most profound thing that you've ever said to me, human. Oh.

Well, we've got a spoon right here on the table. Why don't you just, uh, why don't you just go for it right now? Right now in front of everyone? I mean, well, we could look away, I guess, if you want. Could you please all look away? Yeah, sure. Yeah, we're looking around. A lot of other grotesque things happening in this pizzeria right now.

I don't love looking at, but I guess if it makes you comfortable. A lot more nudity than a regular pizzeria. Yeah. I didn't like that, no. Oh, I want to turn around so bad. Let's see this. I don't know. Has he started?

That's what I don't know. Does he, like, working his way up to it? I hope he has unlawed himself. I'm fearful. He's pulled something. He might be dying. Like, can he die in pizza hill? Can your arms get her heart?

hernia? How's it going over there? To give you an update, I have managed to successfully use my fingers to grasp the spoon. Oh, wow. Okay. Well, it's a lot of progress to start. Yeah, just take it slow. Take it slow.

Don't, don't push yourself too far. And now to lift the spoon. I don't know if that's, I really regret. Continue, please continue to not look. Okay, we're not looking. So going back to this new. for a minute. It's a little alarming

how everyone's nipples looks like pepperoni. Yeah, I think that's part of what's supposed to confuse you here. It's like, is it sexy or is it meat?

Nothing confusing. It's sexy. Now, is that someone being tortured or is that D-Cube? I hope it's not tortured. You may look. Okay.

Are you bleeding? Only a little. Okay. There is sauce everywhere. Or blood. A chitho a car latin teher. A simple healing spell shall help your arm, uh, uh, heal in time.

Thank you. That felt strange, but invigorating. Hmm. Perhaps in time I will indeed lift a spoon or a spatula or even a cutter. Yeah, I know I suggested the whole idea, but maybe just stick to the kicking, you know. You think? You know, after hearing all that, it seemed like,

Chunt, would you say awful? Yes. Yeah, awful. It sounded awful. So don't ever do that again. All right. The only time I've heard of similar noises when I was a whale and another whale was trying to court me,

very similar noises. Did it work? Oh, you better believe it. Then I am honored. John, do you haven't many stories of people unsuccessfully trying to court you? I'm sure I could think of one. Nope. Oh, I got one.

That time you got someone for jury duty. Oh, yeah. They were trying to court me, and I said, I'm busy. And they said, no, no, no, you're going to go to court. And I said, no, I'm busy. Eventually, I gave myself a, well, used to or helped. I gave myself sort of Black Death, which is a extinct. illness, but Usur was able to conjured up so it got me out of your duty.

Oh, yeah, I brought it back. Now it's everywhere. Oh, no. And don't even get me started on when Usur made me his son-in-law. Well, Nathaniel, is there any opportunity for upward movement here? I know that, you know, perhaps... We've already tried the arms, Yusidar. Oh, no, no, no, I'm saying a different level of hell. Could you work from pizza chef to, like, manager of the pizza?

Pizza Hell Pizzeria or, you know... You're talking in terms of career advancement. Ah, exactly, yes. Climbing the pizza ladder, as it were. Mm-hmm. There is rumor whispered about almost as legend in the halls of Pizza Hell, that if one can make the perfect pizza, that one can actually leave pizza hell.

Oh, guys, guys, we could probably do that with DQ's. help. I'm thinking like a rectangle. So it's almost all crust. Just a lot of crust. It's the best part. It's the best part? Yes. Yes. Orney. Back me up here. No, no, no, no. Here's what would be the perfect pizza.

You take a just okay pizza, but you make it cheap and then you put stuff inside the crust. It doesn't even matter what it is. Stop it. Stop it. Everyone knows that their perfect pizza, the golden pie. is a caramelized crust with an inch or so of cheese and then sauce on top. Deep? What? Yeah, a deep, very deep dish. Yes, exactly.

Yeah. Deke, what do you think? There is a pizza that is discussed often. It is the three pizza, although in pizza hell it goes want toot-troit. That is the term for three. so people off and off they try to order Detroit style pizza

they say give me that Detroit and I say okay I guess sure why not Jets do it I mean let's do it I mean with so many different types of pizza how can you make the perfect one it's an impossible task

is not taste subjective to the eater what is perfect for one is abhorrent to another this is the conundrum of the perfect pizza. Wait, hold on. Of course. Of course.

It's just the kind of dastardly thing that would happen in pizza hell. They say you can get out, but you have to make the perfect pizza, but that's impossible. It's giving you hope when there is none, which makes it all worse. It's a trick. It's like they say, hell is other pizzas. Whoa. Man, that would suck if it's a trick, but Arnie, I feel like I'm remembering a long. time ago, maybe like 10 or some years ago, you mentioned the perfect pizza. It was called

Cibararo? You said it was a bite of heaven? What would get us out of pizza hell if not a bite of pizza heaven? I suppose Sabaro could be achieved. And if I had to guess, most Sabaro pizza is made with a foot. Perfect. Then it is perfect for me. I will toss the dough, I will slice it, I will pour the sauce and distribute the toppings all with my feet. And in doing so, give it that special extra taste of flavor. My feet are very well seasoned, if you did not know. It's like a cast iron skillet. It just keeps getting better.

You don't put water on those guys. And you never clean them. Oh, no. And then people argue about, like, it's okay if you clean them. And then other people are like, you never clean them. and it just the debate starts up every time. It's annoying. And they're my feet.

I should get to clean them or not if I choose. Yeah, if anything, I'd say dip your feet in oil and put it in the oven for maybe an hour to sort of recapture the seasoning. And I do. And I can and I will. DQ, like career ladder aside, do you have any sense of where you are in the hierarchy of hell here? Very little. We occasionally have meetings. We have a regional manager who talks.

about his other franchises, and he keeps making mention of corporate and corporate retreat, so I know that there is a big, grand world of pizza hell out there, and yet I have seen only a very small, small part of it. There is some mention of a holiday party. We apparently get a night to relax and enjoy, look back on our accomplishments, if we meet our pizza quota. I will say the pizza quota seems impossibly high. Yeah, that tracks with the same thing as making the pizza.

It seems now that you've brought up the concept of a trick to give you hope, I am starting to see that pattern repeated constantly. Yeah, capitalism. Wait, DQ, are you in this pizzeria making pizzas all the time? Like, do you not get time off? Do you not get like a weekend or even just a night to rest? What is a weekend? A smoke break or, I don't know, just like a nap?

The orders keep coming and someone has to fill the orders. So I keep making the pizza. That's kind of our catchphrase back in the cook room. Sure, the cook room. We make it a pizza. When the chips are down and it looks like you can never make your quota, we make it a pizza. I gotta say that is a good slogan. If it seems like you're in hell

and there's no chance of escape, we make a pizza. Well, I've got to hear more about this cookroom and some of your colleagues. That's the official term, right? The cookroom, yeah. A cookroom. Is it not that in your world?

I think perhaps you've lost some memories of things back in the surface world. I think it's always been cookroom. Okay. Well, we'll hear more about that. right after we get back from this break. Oh, what's going on in the cookroom? Now, DQ, if we were able to pull off the perfect pizza,

which it sounds like we might be able to. If Arnie can remember the ingredients, and if you work your feet as well as you do, maybe the new slogan is something like pizza to pizza. Pizza to pizza. Something's there. I featser to pizza. Yeah.

Perhaps there's a way of improving my feet, and then it's better foot. ingredients, better pizza. Hmm. Death and needle, Glenn Yarvan. Yes. I beseech thee,

though you have rejected me in the past. We come here with express purpose to bring Arnor the warrior back to the world of food so that he may protect us from wizards who have gone rogue. Can you join my quest? Our quest.

When we find Arnau, if we come back here and we make this pizza together, perhaps we can all Escape from pizza hell As honored as I am To be yet another person You stumble upon While looking for someone else

I do have a lot of pizza to a maker Part of the joy is the journey You know the friends you made along the way That sort of thing But yes Yes Yes I will say

That although I am delighted to have a corporeal body again there's only so much pizza that you can make. You know what I mean? It just sort of gets old after a while. Sure, sure, sure. So I'd be down to leave if that is possible. Well, if we're escaping from here, there's no reason to leave your corporeal form behind.

Indeed. You could live again. Yes. Yes, to kick things again on the surface would be a pleasure that I have not even allowed myself to imagine. Yeah, maybe you serve up a perfect pizza to your dad just to get back at him. Oh, Chunt. Don't get his hopes up.

I'm not sure he can bring his corpoil for him back around. Right, yeah. I just said that. We'll kill your dad. Yes, yeah, we gladly kill your dad. Attempting offer. But I do think that I would like to try to serve him a really good pizza, and then maybe he would love me.

Oh. Yeah, we can go that way, too. Boy, Chant, you keep bringing up my dad, and it really just makes me spiral. I'm so sorry. I don't know. I don't know what it is that's making me think of Papa's. Well, just remind him he can't turn into a bird or something. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Do me. Do me. Do me. Hey, hey, chunt. Why don't you be a dolphin?

Why? No, no, you're supposed to be upset about that. Oh, oh, oh, man, what the fuck? Yeah, sorry, I thought it was like a knock. Yeah. Oh, fuck, man. That, that hurts. Yeah. Got him. Well, he's giving you guys a high-fyes, but with his feet. It's been wonderful to talk to you, Detainio Quignarland, but are we going to get served some pizza here or what the hell's going on? Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah, you've been at our table a long time.

Yeah, for a while. The orders are probably really stacking up back in the cookroom. Yeah, you kind of like lean down with your elbows and kind of put your fist on your chin and you're like, it feels like you're being really overly familiar if you could just make that pizza. Yeah, and for listeners who can't see what's going on during this entire, entire time. We've been great. We've been making eye contact. We've been very happy. Well, frequently over the last 40 minutes, we've been like looking down at the menu, just to remind you like, oh, hey, hmm, there is, we should be ordering something. In Nathaniel Kwenyaovins' defense, though, the menu just says pizza over and over.

That's true. That's fair. My apologies, friends, allow me to replace this familiarity with some professional yet congenial. distance. Hello, welcome to Pizza Hell. May I take your order? Now he feels like an employee. We know him. It feels weird. Can I get you started with some drinks, perhaps?

Yeah, I'll take a flat white ale. Yeah, flat white ale's, I think, for all of us. We have no drinks. Welcome to Pizza Hell. Damn it. Keep falling for it. Maybe, um... I guess I'll have the pizza then. An excellent choice. And for you, the person stuck in one

form forever. Oh, damn. That was actually a good. I'm actually going to do, let's go nuts. I'm going to do the pizza. A wonderful choice. Oh, Chun, are you sure he was talking to you? Oh.

Yeah, because I am stuck in one. Well, he's also stuck in one form. And for the other person stuck in a form forever, but also a distinctly worse form. Oh. Oh, that's odd. That's Tony. Yep. No lies told.

I will, I guess I'll have the pizza as well. Three pizzas. Coming up. Oh, do you mind if we see where you make it a pizzas? You would like to see the cookroom? Yeah. I think so. Maybe a tour of the cookroom would be fun, guys?

What do you think? Yeah, I'd love to see the cookroom. I'd love to. Very well. Follow me. This is the VIP tour. Oh, what does that stand for? I bet the peas pizza.

Very important pizza, obviously. Okay. Just come back here past the bar. And here's our bulletin board where we post important things, messages to employees. Oh. Here's our quota. It's sort of a big thermometer that we're filling up from the bottom. And we've got a long way to go.

Almost every flyer on this board is someone looking for a drummer. Weirdly, there are very few drummers in pizza hell. Weird. You think it would be just flogging. with them. Yeah, chakablock. That's wild. Not true. I think if I heard correctly, there is a drum

hell. That tracks. Where most drummers go. To torture other people. And their torture is they have to keep proper time. And most of them can't. Anyway, here's the cook room. There's an

oven and sort of a prep station. I've modified some of this you can see to be more foot, Vescible. Yeah, a lot lower to the ground than I would have expected. Gloves for feet. Sure. Fluffs, I assume, they're called.

Yes, floves, correctly assumed. They got it in one. Let's see. What is it? Usador. They remove the word kitchen from Danthanok when you're having's brain. But they remove the word socks from chunt's brain.

What is this hell doing to us? Well, those are sort of, what I would say, ankle high flubs. I wear my ankle high flubs almost every day. Wow, kind of thick and kind of warm. Pretty nice. Thank you.

Man, I wish we had fluffs and, what do we call Foon? Like non-Hell, I guess, non-Pisa hell? We could call it Foon. I have a younger co-worker who's always looking at my ankle-high fluffs and making fun of them. Like, oh, look, you're such an

ankle-high flover. And it's like, this is the kind of fluff that I'm comfortable with. Why are you giving me guff about? it. Fuck off. You're in pizza hell. You're bragging on someone's floves. Get a life. It's like what you want me to try to wear your

fluffs? Isn't that even more cringe? This is explaining to me why your apron says pizza flover. Oh, yes. I suppose that was a question you've had this entire time and here we are, the explanation. Speaking of your co-worker,

how have your interpersonal relationships been here in pizza hell? Not bad. Not bad. I I do miss my friends, my family, my fake, I guess I'm the other family or the fake family. It's complicated. I miss the people that I knew. I'll say that. My coworkers are chill.

Pretty nice. You know, we're so busy. I'm making a pizza. Yeah. And, guys, you forgot the word cooking. Don't have a lot of time to socialize outside of work. Well, and band practice. And yes, I am, if I were honest, I have been angling for an invite to join a band and have yet to receive one, which is a disappointment.

And I could kick things rhythmically. Does that count as being a drummer? Oh. People are so specific what they're looking for in terms of musical influences and background. And I'm like, I could kick things and make noise. You should maybe accept what you have to offer in pizza hell. You know what? I'm not making sense.

It's very upsetting. No, maybe you are. No, maybe you are. I mean, I'm challenging my own assumptions. I've always assumed for everything I learned on earth that a drummer has to have at least one arm. You would think so. You would be wrong. The feet are very powerful.

Yes. And I can make several different sounds just with them. No equipment necessary. Like just the foot? Like the sound of one foot clapping? If I clap it against the other foot, is that two feet clapping? Yeah, yeah, I think technically you need two feet. Yeah, yeah, yes, yeah. Anyway, it's a process and I'm trying to put myself out there and meet people, but it's hard. Oh, well, you know, if you were to join one of these bands as their drummer, maybe they'd fall in love the drummer, you know?

Do you think that's likely or even possible? Yeah. Fell in love with the drummer? Yeah, another and another fell in love with the drummer. I miss the innocence. I know. Well, as far as jobs in Pizza Hell go, you've got a pretty good gig here. You think so?

I'm not directly torturing anyone. I'm not directly being tortured myself, so I suppose I should be thankful. You are definitely indirectly torturing people, though. Just keep that in mind. You're making some pizzas for consumption and some directly for torture. Yeah, we saw a lot of people coming when we came in. A lot of people were sort of tied up and then you'd get a hot pizza right out of the box into their face. Or there'd be like a conveyor belt full of pizzas and then you'd hear ba-p-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da.

And there was like a person with their open mouth at the end of the conveyor belt just filling in with pizza. Perhaps there is something that I can do regardless of where the pizzas are going to make it easier. for the intended destination. Oh. I could cut them. Yes. Wait, the pieces aren't cut into pieces? Well, I could cut them further.

You see, I have been using the, you know, the little circle roller cutter, but I could... Is there a name for that thing here in the cookroom? Yes, it's the circle roller cutter. I just said it, human. Circle roller cutter, honey, obviously.

But I could use some scissors. I could use my feet to use the scissors and Cut them up. Wait. If I want them to be little pieces, they'd have to be little Caesars. Scissors. D.Q. Scissors. His brain's slipping again. Not see that. Come on. Little Caesars. Did you hear him? He called them Little Caesars. That's what I use for the pizza pizza pizza. Of course.

Well, you have to say twice because you're cutting it up into so many pieces now. Whoa, did you guys see that? What he said pizza pizza, he slammed down the the knife he's working with with his foot, and the pizzas jumped off the knife, flipped, and landed back down on the knife. Oh, wow. That was incredible. Just one of the things that I can do when I make it a pizza. I don't understand, D.Q, you're clearly so talented.

You have these crazy skills for pizza making, but this cookroom is still just chaos, almost like it's an impossible task. Well, such is life in pizza hell. It seems like what you have here is what we call on Earth. An overcooked situation? Yeah, look at that raccoon in the wheelchair. I didn't even see him before. He hasn't said a word.

To be clear, though, of all the characters we have met so far in Pizza Hell, raccoon in a wheelchair is my favorite. He has a name tag. It says Parma Sean. This cookroom has resulted in the breaking of several relationships. I don't know if that tracks. I've noticed lots of the workers are like yelling at each other, and they kept being like, we had a plan.

We had a plan. Why didn't you stuck to the plan? You do the tomatoes and I wash the dishes. And I think that's part of the pizza hell. You would think the dishes could wait, but yeah, it just feels like everyone's kind of going for it. You can never have enough dishes. You gotta have new clean dishes, yeah. Yeah, that's fair.

Never have enough dishes. Well, it's been a real treat, DQ, to catch up with you. And keep making this hot. Cool treat, actually. It's been a cool treat. Yeah, and keep making these hot eats. And if we happen back this way, perhaps we can all find a way to escape together. My only request is that if you do find a way, if you are successful in your quest, that you come back this way in a hurry.

I request that you book it. That just means to come back here quickly. No, my personal plan would be to book it back here. and I guarantee you that we will. I thank you for that. And so that we don't forget, let's make little buttons for ourselves. And put them on our shirts,

and they'll say book it. So we'll remember to book it back to DQ. I would appreciate it. Well, then we'd have to read the button. I don't like reading. Well, every time we read the button, I'll give you a sticker. No, just lie about it.

Trent, did you hear? You could fake it. You could fake it. First of all, you could fake it. And Ani's going to give you a sticker. Oh, I do it. like stickers. Look, DQ.

I know we've got a lot going on. We are here in Pizza Hell to find and save Arnor the greatest warrior in all of Finn. But, even though it's not our top priority, we are going to come back and save you. And our personal history suggests

that's definitely a thing we'll remember to do. Absolutely. Just ask our friend O-Talk. He can tell you for sure. We're always good eventually. I have your word, and that's as good as a guarantee.

Arnie, leave him the recipe for Sabaro. There you go. Just in case. Just in case he can make the perfect pizza. I carry it with me everywhere I go. I've taken it from Earth. Interesting. I will practice. There's almost no instructions on it. Almost nothing goes into making this.

Doe cheese piss. Feet, feet, piss, dough. I don't know if it's possible to make this not in a mall or airport, but you could try. It is worth a I will endeavor to make the perfect pizza, and I wish you luck upon your quest. And we, you.

And definitely you'll remember to come back. Absolutely. We'll see you. Sabaro, Sabaro, we'll see you, Sabaro. Now, guys, let's get the hell out of here. So long, Nathaniel Quen-Yarvan, we shall return as soon as we... Did you guys hear him say, Little Caesars. Little Caesars.

What a doof. It's good to see him, though. Good to see him. Great to see him. But Little Caesars. You know what? I don't know. I wonder how long, how many weeks, how many episodes were going to be in pizza hell.

Especially considering we said almost every single existing pizza thing in this episode already. Oh, shit. Yeah. In my head, I was like, oh, we're leaving. But I guess we're stuck here. 10 to 12 episodes, probably. Probably. Get out of here.

Ah, the only thing that's going to get me through this is Little Caesars. Yeah. Cut my pizza with Mr. Seasers. Dear listener, next week, when the episode comes up and you see if the title isn't Arnor in Pizza Hell, just know we're all fucked. I don't know how long we're going to be in Pizza Hell,

but I can already tell you it's one episode too many. Yuzzo The Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adrel Rfei. DQ the Elf was played by special guest Tim Ryder. Tim Ryder is a comedy performer, writer, and director in Los Angeles, California. Tim wrote and directed several episodes of season 13 of Mystery Science Theater 3000, which can be streamed for free on Pluto TV and YouTube. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production,

made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, including how to gift someone a Patreon subscription, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Shultz, Associate producer Anna Haverman, this episode edited by Red Keener. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.