Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 84 - Sword Bro in Pizza Hell (w/ Erika Ishii)

Episode Date: January 19, 2026

A trip through Pizza Hell leads to a reunion with dragon "enthusiast" Kelvaxostrastymor Ebonwing aka the Sword Bro.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungKelvaxostrastymor Ebonwing: Erika IshiiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tony GullickMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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the following podcast, currently in Pizza Hell, although one could argue we've been in hell all along, is not real. For those of you listening, because you were gifted a Patreon subscription to our transmission, yes, we've received your angry letter, and we're doing everything in our power to make it right. In the meantime, whether you're enjoying us or whether you're slowly building up your resistance to us, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of foon. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Over 10 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift,

and usually I use that to upload a podcast recorded in the magical land of Foon, but a few weeks ago, we descended into the afterlife, into Pizza Hell, in a quest to find Arnor, formerly the greatest warrior in Foon. And so now, I guess, I didn't come up with like a name. Like, is this like the Pizza Hell Chronicles or? Oh, yeah. Oh, I like that. The PhDs.

Oh, the PhDs. That sounds good. Yeah. Okay. I was looking for a spitball situation, like, where we kind of like, uh, third. Okay. How do you have so much saliva left in pizza hell? It's not the most hydrated place I've ever been. Yeah, it's not super conducive to spit, but I think what it is is the heat sort of evaporates this bit, but then I smell the pizza and my mouthwaters.

Still hungry for pizza. After all this time in pizza hell. You better believe it. Me too. Me too. I love pizza. Like, I'm feeling tortured, but also. still at least a little delighted by the pizza.

Same girl, same. Arnie, isn't it wild to see all these people being tortured down here and just think that if they just would have believed in Jesus' crust, they would be in pizza heaven. Oh, is that how? I guess I don't really know the deep theology of pizza hell. Oh, Arnie, you simply must read up on it. It's fascinating.

I've been talking to some of the pizza demons down here. I guess there's seven sizes of pizza hell personal pan hell small sure medium large extra large is there kind of like

all corners pizza hell or like all parts of it like no matter where you are you that was the next one piece okay and the last one was Big foot Big foot mm hmm

okay I Jesus crust died for your spins spins of my pizzas you could spin the dough you toss it up in the air I had no Wait, have you guys converted to becoming crustians?

No. Jesus crust is, feels like more of a story. Yeah. Just my personal opinion. Okay, so you're just talking about some of the things you're learning about what's going on in pizza hell. Right, exactly. I don't want to go to pizza hell when I die for real, but I also don't want to go to pizza heaven. I don't care.

I'm just indifferent. I like pizza, just fine. Does anyone down here talk about what's the difference between pizza hell and Pizza Heaven? Say a couple hundred miles. At least rumors. Oh, yeah. I'm not, I think in pizza heaven it's all you can eat,

and they don't throw the pizzas on your face. Less torture. Less torture is probably the difference. They more set them in front of you, I want to say, if that makes sense. Yeah. Oh, and I'm so sorry, not to torture my co-host, Eusador. I haven't introduced my co-host, Usore the Blue. I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius,

master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarrakus. The elves noomi is Fiannialuk. The dwarves nomi is Zonin and Hooxtengis, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gassmuenius May Star. And I swear this unto you, I, I gotta take a break. I'm gonna, I'm gonna just sit down here next to this molten cheese river. Just take a load off.

Pretty tired. So, Arnie, um, cheese's crust was betrayed by Chudis. who started to chew Jesus crust first. There's a lot of the same sounds at all these names, I'm noticing. It must be exhausting. It's like eating sounds like, Jesus Christ, chewed us. It's like it's a chewy, they're chewy names. It's a tongue twister, which is why I'm not a crustian.

Also, it's a related question. Is anyone ever called Jesus crust chewy? Just name of chewy? You know what? I'm not sure. Hmm, I'll have to look into that. I kind of like that. And I'm so sorry. You snore, how are you doing here?

Oh, I just need a break here. I just, you know, just, you know, dip my toes here in this molten cheese river. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. It is relaxing, but ow, ow, ow, ow. The skin is melting off of your foot. Oh, yes, I suppose I shouldn't do this after all. And you can see all the tortured souls floating down the molten cheese river. It's a hell, you know.

That's true. You know, it's hard sometimes to tell who's a demon, who's just an inhabitant, who's a tortured soul. Like, I'm still new to Pizza House, so I can't tell all the different types apart. Just read their name tag. Oh. Oh. Well, that's helpful. Yeah, it got a little name tag.

It says, look, I'm a demon my name is, then they write it in. Sure. Or I'm a willing participant. Or I was brought here via a method dissimilar to. not believing in Jesus crust. I see. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So there's demons, there's people who go to Pizza Hell, and then there's willing participants?

That's right. That's right. I mean, a lot of the economy is tourism-based. Oh, a lot of visitors. Interesting. And they're into S&M, sausage and mozzarella, I or something? That's correct. Oh, God, I like that. Or sausage and mushrooms, you know, whatever.

Oh, yeah, even better. You know, sausage and mushrooms. Why are you winking and nudging? So, so just to understand this sort of name tag thing, like, see, this dude over here. This has got, like, the longest name I've ever seen. Wait a second. Hold on. Start surfing.

Jesus up, my dudes. Hey, hold on. We know this demon. Well, it's not even a demon. It's just, that's our friend. He has his little bro. Whoa. You there.

Hello, I've a yorn, friends. Oh, you're here to catch some curds? I'm glad to catch some curds. They're so soft and spongy, they'd be nicer to sleep on. Oh, yeah, but, you know, when it's just right, when the cheese tides are just ripping, it's, it's like, hey, wait a minute. Don't I know you? Yeah, of course you do Calvax.

It's me, Usador, and Chantanani. Hello. Yeah. We knew you back on Foon, and you're a boy. I can't remember your whole name, Kel... Oh, oh, oh, oh, that's right. I haven't seen you guys since the Wizard's Choice Awards. That is the last time we saw you.

Yes, that's correct. And if you remember, my full name is Kelvax Estrastomor Ebbing. But you may call me Kelvax-Shtra-Mor-Wing, but you may call me Kel. or Kelvax, if you so wish, for brevity's sake. Oh, and my pronouns are he, him. Okay. Good to know. Didn't you have, like, a real name?

I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. Chuck, we don't have to bring that up. I feel like, perhaps there was a name that the Foon government gave to me when I was But then, uh, uh, bestowed up, I was bestowed with another moniker by the, the dragons of foon. Perhaps you remember that? I don't remember if the dragons did it or if you just did it. I think maybe you, you just kind of did that. It's, uh, I mean, six of one, half a dozen of another, you know?

Look, if you want to be named Kel, I'll call you Kel. I can absolutely respect that. I do not wish to be known as Kel. It is a dragon's title befitting of a mighty warrior such as I. Looks like you got a lot of pizza cutters here. Oh, yeah, man. Here, here, here, here. Take it like this whole roll.

See, this one is, it looks more kind of like a, you know, like a chakrum. Oh, wow. It's for people who don't like the pressure of just, that single circular blade. You know, this traditional one, of course, I have. All of them are edged. Charmed. Good steel on every single one.

Mm. Wow. Serrated. You don't see that very often. Yeah, yeah. Sharpening it is a pain in the, you know what, but, oh, boy. Ass. This baby can say.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I guess you can say that down here. Yeah, we can say ass down here. Can you say ass down here? ass there you go hey no no consequences

and you're already in pizza hell you can say whatever you want yeah yeah I guess so why are you guys here don't you believe in Jesus Christ Oh cool boy now this is an awkward

situation we're talking about religion we may not have the same beliefs We're just here to save Arnor the warrior for a quest we have back on food. We're hoping to return back to the what do you call before after life?

The before life. The before life. Life. No, before life is something else. Perhaps before life might also be afterlife. We don't really know. Wow. It's hard to not get philosophical in pizza hell. Yeah. Yeah, it really makes you think. It sure does. It also makes you wonder

about pizza heaven because pizza heaven also probably has a lot of pizza. So really, what's the difference? I think it's a torture. Oh, it's a torture. Yeah, it's a torture. The voluntariness of the habitation. So, Cal, on food, you know,

I sometimes would think of you as our good friend, the sword, bro, because you're just really into swords. So now... Sure, sure. So now are you kind of a pizza cutter, bro? You got a lot of sweet pizza cutters. Well, thanks, my guy. Well, you see, I was dispossessed of my sword collection when I came down here, unfortunately, and they only really have utensils that are meant for cutting pizza.

But in the right hands, they can be deadly weapons. Oh, wow. See, watch this. Watch this. Watch this. Yeah. Oh, careful. Yeah.

Yeah. My eye. Not a lot of control in those swings. A lot of energy. I have an unorthodox training, you know, self-taught, really. You know, seeking out masters, but mostly looking at sort of etchings that I have found, you know. I would say maybe some traditional training might behoove you to keep your weapons further away from our faces. It was so close to my face most of the time.

Yes, but that little breadth of pizza cutter is the line between afterlife and further post-afterlife. Post-after-life. Oh, is there an after-after-life? Or is it just theorized? I don't know. Actually, I really don't know a ton about this place except for what I've experienced. which is so far lots of pizza. Pizza cutting implements that can also be a deadly weapon in the right hands.

And the surf, the surf, you know, it's just kind of nice. It clears your mind. Yeah, it seems like your... A lot of the sort of molten cheese surf is kind of hitting your skin, and it doesn't seem to be bothering you. Is that because you spend so much time in steeped in dragon culture? Oh, it's as much as I'd like to agree with that statement. I have to be honest and say it's probably because I'm dead.

Yeah, that tracks. Yep, that doesn't. You all aren't dead, though? You're not dead. No, not so much. More alive then. I hate to ask. This is such an awkward question, but I never know how to ask this to somebody, the people we

encounter down here. Did you die, like when we saw you last? because you were in rough shape. Oh, yes, that's right. I lost so much blood there. But no, actually, I did manage to staunch the flow of blood, and I had a long convalescence and got back to, you know, full health. And then, you know, I died doing what I loved.

Oh. Yeah. Swinging swords around? Dragons. Dragons. Swinging dragons around. Yeah, I mean, well, it depends on who you ask, you know, who was doing the swinging. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

That's right. As I remember, Kelly, you have a kind of, hmm, I'll say. An appreciation for dragon culture. Yes, really into dragon culture in a way that seems. Not weird. Not weird. Respectful. And respectful.

That's right. Yes. That's right. You're honoring those traditions. It's true, it's true. You see, I have done so much studying at them. I know more about dragon culture than some dragons. I wouldn't, I wouldn't do that.

Oh, Cal. Oh, yeah. Oh, Cal. Even I know. That's a no-no. What? What do you talk? I certainly wouldn't say that to a dragon.

That's all I'm saying. Well, I think the new girlfriend that I had might. of agreed with you, I guess. Oh. It ended badly. It ended badly. But it's okay. It's all right.

It's all right. You know, you live, you love. Well, and then sometimes you don't live after that. Right. So your girlfriend killed you? It was a bit of an altercation. Kel, we don't need every grisly detail, but do you mind letting us know what your last words were?

Oh, it was somebody had literally, literally just asked me, do you believe in Jesus Christ? And I was like, huh? And then, and then darkness. Darkness. Oh, terrible timing. Bad timing. Yeah, you see, it's what I call, what they call, I think,

the missionaries dilemma or the missionaries paradox, where it's like if I know about Jesus crust, then I have to, you know, then I have a responsibility to follow his light and the warm glow of his oven. But if I didn't know, I probably would have died and just gone to normal, whatever it is that happens after life. Sure. Yeah. I hate to correct you, Kettle, but I believe it's called the missionary position.

I couldn't. I don't think that that's something that dragons, understand in their culture. I think they are actually The dragon religion is more animistic, you see. And so there's not a whole lot of, you know, how do you say, religious colonization with them? So I feel like missionary position is something that they wouldn't quite dig.

Oh, I was going to say eye contact and you could make s'mores. But yeah, that makes sense. Well, we should take a quick break, but right after that, I mean, I'd love to hear more about dragon religion. Oh my guy. Do I have the talk for you? Oh, you sit on. Piss Williams.

Piss Williams. That was Piss Williams. That's right. Piss Williams. Your real name is Piss Williams. We'll call you Cal, but we know that your name is Piss Williams. Listen. So what a lot of people don't understand, you see, about Dragon Religion, is that it's sort of like, you know, a combination of a lot of different kinds of, you know, belief systems.

and everything, you know. But it's like more, it's less about like a religion and a practice and more kind of like a way of life, you know? Yeah, sure. Guys, Cal is talking, it's about like a half hour talking about how it's nuanced without going into any details. Like, there's a lot of enthusiasm and table setting. Yeah, so much energy from Calvics. Here, let me, uh, so, Kel, do you believe that, uh, do you believe that you believe that you should have ended up in some sort of dragon afterlife.

Listen, I don't know, whatever higher power that there is, you know, which I honestly think in Foon, we just had just all learned to coexist. Oh, sure. But I can't help but be a little surprised, you know? Yeah, sure, sure. I think, you know, there's not quite a dragon afterlife in their theology, you know, as I studied it. But, like, I can't help but believe that, you know,

I should have ended up in some sort of glorious Valhalla, you know, you know, being kind of like, you know, attended to by Dragon Shield Maidens. Sure, sure. Like, you know, it's, you know, the dice land where they will. And, uh... Oh, so what you're talking about is sword heaven. Yeah. Oh, sword heaven.

Oh, do you have to roll to get into sword heaven? You have to roll a natural 20, chunt. Holy shit. Yes. And unfortunately, I just didn't have any dice on me when I died. So that must be, oh, thank you, thank you. That must be it. Unfortunately, yes.

There are so many deities and gods and goddesses that are, of course, the children of the three goddesses that we all know are real because I've met them. But of course, you know, they let their kids do whatever the hell they want. There are all sorts of heavens and hells and afterlifes that are neither judgmental, you know, just sort of like a general, like, you all go to this afterlife, the same one. But sword heaven definitely exists, and it's pretty cool. You can go in there, and if you've never picked up a sword, you'll be able to do cool tricks with it. You'll be able to, like, slice the wings off of a fly, and then the fly can, like, reattach its wings, and it's fine, because it's sword heaven.

I don't need the fly to be okay, but the rest of that sounds cool. But it is. There's an unending supply of fruit that just comes at you at all hours of the day. Does the fruit ever just fly in the air in front of you and you're just like, Fruit Ninja, Fruit Ninja. Yes. Yes, that's it. Exactly.

It just flies at you. And you just, you're always ready. You're always ready with a quick draw. But surely in Sword Heaven, no one would be throwing. if I remember correctly, bombs occasionally? So you accidentally hit a bomb instead of a piece of fruit? Whoa. You can't bring a bomb to a sword heaven.

Yeah, no, not sword heaven, man. I mean, sheathus Christ wouldn't allow it. Yeah. Wait, hold on. The savior of sword heaven is sheathus Christ? Yeah. Artie, am I telling you something you don't know? Hmm.

What's the betrayer of sword of sheathis Christ's name? Arnie, I don't know all the details because of course, as you sort of mentioned, I was raised to be a traditional Udhist. My parents believe in Ooo, which is the middle goddess of Fu Oon, and I am

a Udist. Oh. An Udist? And that's why you kept talking about you were going to an Udist colony? That's right. I thought it was something else you're talking about. I really did. Now, that's a particular...

I don't want to judge people's religion but I've kind of never understood the whole Oudist thing because you pick one of the three goddesses and you believe in that one, but not the other two? Or do you like mostly just pay obeisance to that one? Oh, that's just like your favorite. That's, yeah, it's, we acknowledge the other two. I mean, obviously I don't live in Ooo.

You're right, I live in Foon. So we acknowledge that they are there, but they're more like book-ins for the greatest of the three. It's sort of like, Arnie, when you explained that you liked Mayor McCheese, but you still believed in Ronald McDonald. Oh, sure. I just have a preference.

I just prefer Mary McChese. So when you die on Earth, are you going to go to McDonald's land? Ooh. It's like you've read my will. Oh, I've heard about this one. I know this one. This one is the great ball pit in the sky.

Yes? That's what your people believe? Sort of, yeah. Yeah, I guess so. I mean... And you can have... Wait, no. The other one, the Burger Kingdom of Heaven is the one where you can always have it your way.

Oh, Arnie, is that true? Well, I mean, they say that. They say that. I mean, look. In McDonald's land, they say that you are loving it, yes? Well, you're supposed to be loving it. And you hear it so many times. You get a little bit indoctrinated into thinking, well, of course, I'm loving it.

Because since I was a child, they were telling me I'm loving it. But if you ever take a moment and really question, am I loving it? And then will you be cast out of McDonald's forever? Ani, don't question the deities of McDonald's. Otherwise, the five guys will drag you right to the red-headed demon Wendy's. Guys, we cannot keep talking about this shallow, unimportant stuff. We've got to talk about the fact that we're in pizza house. I'm so sorry.

Right, right, right, yes, right. Cal, can I ask? I'm not even sure why I'm broaching the subject. How's your dating life been in pizza hell? Oh, man. Are there dragons around? Oh, yeah. Are there any dragons on there?

No, there are not, my guy. And so here's my thing. Here's my thing. Here's my thing is that it's not that I was specifically looking for a dragon girlfriend, right? It's just that we share a lot of the same values and a lot of the same sort of appreciating. for cultural, like cultural touchstones, you know? Yeah. And so now that the dating pool does not include dragons,

it's just kind of, it's really hard to find someone who's, you know, who gets it, you know, who has, appreciates the finer things, you know, like a horde. And it's like, I don't want to say that it's their fault. and stuff. All of, all of them, all the denizens of Pizza Hell. It's just that I feel like... It's hard for you to connect. Yeah. Sure. That's understandable. It can be difficult when you don't have the same interests and the same sort of background to find a common language to share. And Ani, of course. There are no dragons in Pizza Hell. Everyone knows that dragons prefer flatbread. Mm-hmm.

I heard that all dragons go to dragon heaven. You know, again, I don't think that there's sort of a black and white sort of nature to dragon morality. Right, right. Oh, sure, sure. But, but here's my thing, is that I think that they're able to manifest all of the good, you know, just how incredible, how incredible. And all the cultural achievements and contrast. They have. It's just like, you know, of course they would go somewhere good afterwards.

Did Kel always have those dragon wing tattoos on his back? I'm not sure. She's a little inappropriate, right? I think he was usually, had some swords strapped on there so he couldn't see. Yeah, that is, that is a choice. That is wild. Arnie, Arnie, come here for a moment. Yeah.

Let, let Chuck talk to Kellogg's. Sure, sure. I know last week I promised Nathaniel Kwyniavon that when we got on, Oh, no, we do our best to get him out of here, too. Oh, but were we thinking the same thing that that was a lie? No, no, no, no, no. What? No, no, no, no.

You thought I was lying? No, no, we're going to save him. So, dragon wing tattoos, shit. Yes. Oh, man, I got this one in a dragon colony. Like, I was just sort of visiting, but, like, you know, they were like, hey, if you want these guys, this is really incredibly, like, is showing. people that you're one of us i think i think that's what i think that's what i think that's what i think that's

what you know it's it's it was special it was special it's you know and and and maybe other other scholars and the dragon arts have have informed me that that's not what they mean but you know i it's more about the memory of of what happened there you know awney i i'm just i'm i'm I tend to believe that Kelvax doesn't belong here, and I think it's our fault for not putting him out of his misery when he was bleeding so much of the Wizard's Choice Awards. But usually we fail to save somebody. This time we failed to kill.

Us allowing Kelvax to live allowed him to go on and be killed in such a way that he ended up in Pizza Hell. If we bring him back to the world of living now, there's a chance to end up in that dragon afterlife or that cool sword heaven. Chun, I don't mean to be rude. Do you have any sort of permanent body art? Oh, I have two buttholes, if that's what you mean.

Oh, what? That seems so incredibly useful. Please elaborate, my God. Was this something you had installed? It would be real useful down here in pizza hell. Let me tell you that. All right. Finally, someone who appreciates my second butthole.

Arnie. What? I think they're talking about buttholes. Buttholes. Sorry, I wasn't. Now I'm tuned in again. My man, chunt. I hope to one day get up to Valhola.

Of course, my own personal heaven, but, you know, we'll see what happens, I guess. Oh, I didn't even think to ask. Kelle, I don't know if you'd know this. Are you, sir, you might be the person to ask on this. Are our bodies still up in? Foon sort of slumped over or kind of going about their business or... Well, not us. Or walking around getting steps?

Not us. Because we came here of our own volition. We went through a portal or something. It was a couple weeks ago. I can't remember. I think we were sucked into Pizza Skull's open mall? That's right. That's right.

But it's such an easy detail to forget. It's right. It is. It happens to you. Yeah. How many maws have I been sucked into in my life? Nice. You live, you learn.

You get sucked. to a ma. Am I right, fellas? You're absolutely right. No, we have to get out of here with these bodies. Otherwise, we're in big trouble back on food. Oh, that's not good. Kel, I'm sorry. I'm just going to come out and say it. I don't think you belong here. Like, like a pizza hell? As you were saying,

the last minute before you died, you were asked a question, now you end up in pizza hell. You weren't really thinking about pizza other than when you you are hungry the rest of the time? Oh my God. Listen, Usador, that is the first time

that somebody has said, Kel, you don't belong here, and I have, even in your, even in your previous life? Oh, my God. There's no way

you've not been told that before. No, no, no. This is the first time I've, but this is the first time I've been told it, and it was something very kind. Yes. Usually it's, you don't belong here.

You have to leave, sir. Right. Right, right, yes. Put back on your shirt and your shoes and please leave. Yeah, yeah. Or this is not, like, it doesn't matter how many scales that you've glued onto yourself, we can still tell that you're a human and bipedal. Or this is a private event.

Stop drawing what's happening here. Yes, yes, yes. Please stop throwing those shiricate in my restaurant and get out of here. Whoa, are you spying? lying on me? Wow. Oh, speaking of drawing, I seem, he dropped some papers here. It looks like, oh, Kel, these are drawings you did of you as a dragon.

And there's a big word bubble that says, who's the piss now? Yeah, yeah, that's, it's a... I would burn these. Well, no, man. Don't you have sort of affirmations, you know? That you know, that you, like, put up by your door or something. things that every time before you leave. Yeah, I guess I have a daily motto,

which is love Arnie. I thought it was get wet. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It is get wet. Kel, I want to save Arnaw and take him back to Foon to bring him back to life so that he can join us as the greatest warrior who's ever lived and help us defeat the evil of the wizards. Oh, by the way, all the wizards back on Foon are evil now except for me.

It's a whole thing. Yeah, it's nuts up there. Yeah. It's nuts up there. If you aren't tuned into this and you can stay off pizza media, I highly recommend it. Yeah, no, no, I'm not on there much. You know, there's a great chance for me to unplug and, you know, enjoy my pizza. But, man, do you need any help?

I mean... Oh. Kelle, you have sussed out exactly what I was leading up to. As we gather honor and we gather De Thanniel Kpen Yarvin. Maybe. I think Kelvax should be joining. our quest two. On our way out, once we find

Arnor, you should return to the land of the living. Oh, yes, yes, yes. My pizza cutter is yours, sir. Oh, wait. Hey, sorry. You're really, careful. It's so close to my eyes.

Kelly, your technique is usually just sort of like swing it around and letting your arms go rubber. Like, it's just like, well, yeah. Like, all over the place. Uh-huh. You know, have you ever seen those mighty, Warriors outside of the used vehicle lots. You can tell.

The ones that bend in the wind? Yes. Like the breeze themselves. We can all learn a lot from them. Yes. It's true. Arnie, never buy a use carriage. Never buy a use carriage.

Nope. You know, sometimes that's all that you can, you know, that's all the gold you have, man. And then you just got to do a good job and make sure it's well maintained, you know, throughout its life. But my point stands in that I, a mighty warrior of the dragon world. Oh, sorry, sir. It's supposed to my face again. Okay, okay. Cut some of your hair off.

I can join you in your quest to rid the world of evil in the wizards. Excellent. Well, I'm so glad that you've agreed to this. And as soon as we find Arnor, we're going to get you out of here. But first, let's take a quick break. Oh. Piss Williams. That was your name.

No, we said we only say it once. Yeah, yeah. That is twice, and it is, you know, it is my name. Just like saying it. John, Usador, not Piss Williams. Guys, during the break, I know we got distracted, but I think we might be in danger. Look, coming this way, it looks like some of the most evil demons in pizza hell. It's the Cinnabites.

We're in danger, girl? We're in danger, girl. aren't they the kind of like cinnamon pastry dessert with a bunch of needles sticking out of their heads? Yeah, the pizza hellraisers. Yeah, the pizza hell raisers. Oh, no. I hear they can give you such pleasure.

The delights of sugar and cinnamon. Kell, get a hold of yourself. Your pursuit of weird pleasures is part of the problem that got you here in the first place. Oh, that's true. That's true. I guess I don't want to say weird pleasures. That's probably not.

I don't know. Wait, listen, I'm a... We're taking that word back, you see. Sure, sure, sure. But yeah, we have to be careful, because these synobites are always saying the pleasure and the pan. The pleasure and the pan?

Yes. Got it. The pleasure and the pan. Yeah, the pleasure and the pan. I think it makes sense, right? Hell yeah. Should we hide or should we try to... It's too late time.

Oh! Do you wish... Do you wish for me to do... join them in combat, or do you want to kind of get in on some of this stuff and then I don't know. I don't know. I don't want to yuck anybody's yum. Yeah, I do find the one that has, there's one that has like its skin sort of pin back

that, yeah, I'm kind of into. They're kind of grotesque, but it's sort of, there's, there isn't something about them. I have to confess. I want to give you sexual pizza pleasure. Sexual pizza pleasure. That's why I am. He's wearing a shirt that. This has sliced to meet you.

I think we take a chance. I don't know if I like this too much. This seems way too contradictory. All of my living life, usually pizza kept me from having sexual pleasure. It was just like too tired, ate too much pizza. It's time for you to experience the pleasure and the pan. And the pan. That's what I said.

Why did you? No, I know. I established that earlier. I don't know why I got confused by it. I don't know either. I feel like this is going to be a thing where it's like, we have sex with them, but then we get made into pizza or something, right? Are they crazy? It's going to be like that, right?

Wait a minute. These guys don't have frosting on them. It's wrong. Wrong, I tell you. What the fuck? We're being torquered pieces. Whoa, look at Cal's no. Wow.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. It's just a blur. I know. It looks like Cal's wielding 10 pizza cutters at once. I know. I mean, he's missing. a lot, but he is hitting sometimes.

That's incredible. Oh, they never stood a chance. What? What ended up in your mouth? Just a lot of cinnamon in here. That can be challenging if you have too much cinnamon. That's why my face looked weird. You really tore right into them with pizza cutters. Kovacs, I...

I don't know if you want to hear this, but I think you may be more... at murder with pizza cutters than you ever were with swords. Kel, you saved our afterlives. Oh, dear. I really did. Kel, back on Foon, we hired you to be security of the Wizard's Choice Awards. Terrible choice.

Yeah, you kind of shit the bed there, but you saved us this time. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we're all growing and learning, and I'm listening, and, uh, yeah, I think this is, this is my personal crucible, the oven under which I have baked. into a hard, hard breadstick. Oh, good job, Goody Williams. Listen, the only thing I'll say is, while you were battling, you looked amazing.

You were sort of like a blur. But I did notice you kept flapping your arms every once in a while. I would say lose that, otherwise perfection. Oh. For being self-taught. Yes. Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

I would say Arnold's, you know, formerly the greatest warrior in food, but I would have to get it. it to Kell to say that Kell's the greatest slicer in food? Wow. Is that the best term? Oh, guys. Oh, that's... What if we give you a new name and we refer to you as the shredder?

Ooh. Not Slice Williams? I mean, I don't hate Slice Williams. I was going to say Piss a pie. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Well, and as you store knows, though, the more title. you have, the mighty hero warrior you are.

That's true. So I shall take it all on the shredder. Kelvax of Strathamore, Evan Wing, aka Kelvax, aka the shredder, aka Slice Williams. Slice Williams. Slice Williams? Yeah.

Oh, yes. Do you all, listen, I couldn't help but think that sometimes you guys might be, you know, having a laugh at me sometimes. No. But no. Exactly.

I think now, you know, after all, we've been through together, that's just you all taking the me, you know? The kind of the way that you do with your friends. Sure. We're not taking the slice. Listen, if you want to fetishize, I mean, if you want to appreciate. Appreciate dragons. Yes.

Do your thing. Yes. In a weird way, Kelly, you seem to have really come into your own in pizza hell. I mean, it's not just the slicers. I also notice your shield is this cool, white plastic little table that you sort of just keeps people from fully getting to you and sort of smushing you. Yes, it's true. This is the stopper. It's still, do you like that?

I do. Is that good? I haven't. You know, usually I think it's named after, you know, some sort of great, great and mighty deed. But mostly I just go into battle with two waving pizza slices. So I haven't really had much of a chance to use it yet. But it's doing pretty well, right? Yeah, absolutely.

So impressive. You shall join our ranks of stalwart heroes who shall destroy those evil wizards. And with you by our side. and your pizza cutters in your hand, you'll no longer need of your life-sized dragon pillow. Well, I mean, let's not... I mean, if you want that, that's fine. That's your saying.

Chalula can come too, right? Yeah, that's fine, that's fine. I do notice, I know you couldn't bring anything from the physical world here, but it... We didn't want to mention it, but it did look like you've taken cheese curd. and sort of smush them together to make a dragon-shaped pillow? A simulacrum, if you will, my good man.

I will. I will. Yeah, I didn't want to bring it up. I didn't even really want to look over there. Oh, it's all right. She is to be a beauty to behold. I do not blame you for your eyes wandering. Now that my eyes are wandering, I do see behind you,

it's almost like a whole field of curds smushed into dragons. Oh, yeah. Some of them just smushed beyond repair. Oh, yeah, yeah. There were a lot of false starts here. But nevertheless, you live or you unlive, you learn. Sure. You live, you unlive, you learn.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. It's a beautiful cycle of life and un-life that brings us to wherever. Life is a pizza. Life is a pizza. It just, you know, It rises, no matter what. Yes. That's beautiful.

Or shallow. Yes. Such as you wish. I, there is something about the three of you that just gives me such pause for philosophy whenever we hang out. You know? Thank you, Cal. Philosophy bros. Well, you just hang tight here.

Oh, yes. Wait, Chunt, Yusador. Do you feel like when Cal called us? philosophy, bros, that he was kind of condescending to us and secretly making fun of us? Because we are really into philosophy. We do have smart thoughts about philosophical

things. Stroking chin. Yeah, let's hear some. Yeah. Actually, I'm taking notes because I hate to admit it, but Kel just gave such a great analogy for life being a pizza that I think I might be turning into an atheist. Oh, you're going to have to say that again.

I've tried out to do really. religion that's revolving around Kel's teachings. Oh, about Piss Williams based. Atheapist. Atheapist. Sure, it rolls off the top. We can keep workshopping it, but... Guys, I have selected for each of you,

something, a little something, to help you on your way. Gifts. I love gifts. Arnie, it's like that story you tell us at bedtime, The Wizard of Oz, where everyone gets a brain or whatever. Yeah, a brain or whatever. It's not my fault. I can't remember.

the other things. Arnie, for you, I bestow upon you this very large pizza cutter. Whoa. I call it the distributor. The distributor. Wow. Isidur, for you, I bestow upon you

this big pizza slicer. I call it the divider. Incredible. Please be a brain, please be a brain, please be a brain. Shunt? I bestow upon you. this big pizza slicer

next best thing hell yeah oh I can see in your face how much you love this yes and this well you must tell me what its name is oh oh um I think I shall name it

after you Calvax I shall name this piss it's beautiful so mine is called the distribu I'm the divider. The divider, and yours is called The piss?

The piss. Okay. You all are so good-hearted. Kelvax, Gramerces for these wonderful boons. We shall surely need them as we continue to travel through pizza hell. And though these gifts may seem very similar in their natures, I'm sure each one shall help us in some unique and special way. as we travel downward and further into the depths of molten and saucy hell.

And Kelvax, we didn't forget about you. We, of course, each have, uh, oh, you did. Oh, you should know, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you shouldn't have. What'd you get me? Um, two silver and a gold one else I have here. I just got a couple of pepperonies that fell in my pocket. Oh, yeah, fine. Okay, fine.

Uh, I didn't want to do this, but I'll take. take off my hat and I'll reach in and from my hat I shall give to you this short sword. It's glowing. Whenever pepperoni is near, the sword glows. It's going nuts. It's not going to stop while you're here. Yeah. Oh, wow.

It is. Oh, it's binding. I shall keep it well. I shall do honor with it. Yeah, wow, look at it go! And so close to us. Careful, careful, careful. Kelly, you stab yourself in the leg like three times while you're doing that.

It's okay. I'm already dead. It's just a little embarrassing at this point. It'll be all right. But really, I would stick with the pizza cutters. I was loathe to give you a sword against my better judgment. I did it anyway. I'll keep it up on my pizza hell apartment wall.

Excellent. Yes. Let's all put in our big pizza cutters. And, uh, Cal, you put in your short sword and just all kind of give out little clinkies here. They keep rolling off each other in a weird way. Yeah, sorry. Keep them still. It's sort of a weird, uh, sorry.

Two, two great reunions. Hazzah! Haza! One for crust and one for all. One for crust and one for all. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza.

Pizza. Pizza. Pizzo! Pizza! Pizza! Pizza! Pizha! Pizha!

Proving again that any word spoken in unison enough times while knocking things together can sound important. Usadol the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chump the Talking Badger was played by Addle Rify. Kel the Sword Bro was played by special guest Erica Ishii. Check out Erica on numerous shows on dropout TV.

On her podcast Worlds Beyond Number, don't love that name. And on Instagram at Erica Ishi. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode, where Arnie Chontanusador

try to play a game of Gugongi. And I found a copy of a game we've been wanting to play. I sent it on the table. Guganji. Guganji. Guganji. Gee, the Panda-Namaicon told us about this incredible board game that sucks you into the game. Here, let's open the box. Ooh, this is a big wooden board. Is there a pop-in-lock? Sometimes there's just a pop-in-lock you can watch. Oh, wait, there's like a little image of a guy appearing.

Hi, did you want to play Gagangi? Yes. Yes, please. Okay, I'm hearing yes. Is that correct? Yes, we would like to play Guganji. Correct is correct, yes? Correct.

Oh, yes. Are we not saying it right? Do we have to confirm the confirmation? Correct. Correct. Great. Here's what you need to know about Gagongi. Okay.

One, it's pronounced Ghanji. Wait, he pronounced it wrong and then corrected his own pronunciation. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, including how to gift someone a Patreon subscription, visit patreon. Visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adder Lerfai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Tony Gullick. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Well, well, good seeing you. Oh, thanks, guys. A pleasant journeys. Oh, you're heading the same way as we are. Whoops, this is like you? Oh, yeah. I'm going to try to, uh,

So you had, said he had an apartment. Yeah, yeah, it's actually kind of this way. All right. Okay. Oh, shit. But we don't have to talk anymore. It's okay. No, we can go the other way.

We'll just go the other way. We'll just go the sharp turn at the same. Okay, all right. Oh, boy. All right. Well, this is where we, nope, we're both taking the same path. I'm still, I'm still this way. Yeah.

All right. Let me. Maybe get a little bit in front of us. We're just trying to go deeper, deeper into pizza home. Yeah. All right. Well. somehow we passed him okay now we're walking okay

I'm just gonna do what he said nut we don't have to talk okay well I'm actually here oh okay okay okay okay okay can I use your bathroom? My friends shunned I have two bottles yes yes twice

twice the BMs thank you which door it's on the left there it's on the left there it's on the left Don't open the closet Oh, what the fuck?

More dragons Oh, don't tell us What you see in there