Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 85 - Arnor in Pizza Hell (w/ Blaine Swen)

Episode Date: January 26, 2026

CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungArnor: Blaine SwenKelvaxostrastymor Ebonwing: Erika IshiiD'athaniel Quen'yarvin: Tim RyderMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. And, according to the Golden Globe Awards, it's not only not real, it's nowhere near as good as Amy Polar just winging it with whoever happens to be nearby. 45 minutes finding out what the DoorDash person wanted to be as a kid? That sounds like a good hang. Here's a statuette. I guess the next time we're hoping for awards consideration, I'll put aside the careful diction and impeccable breath control,

and have Rachel Dratch stop by with some tangled headphones. Until that day, sit back and enjoy the show. Awe. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of foon. I'm your host, Arnie Kemp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Over 10 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast from the magical land of foon.

However, several weeks ago, we fell through Pizza Skull's mouth into Pizza Hell, and we are now trying to rescue the greatest warrior in all of foon from this pizza-filled afterlife, Arnor the Warrior. We've gotten some intel that we might be getting close.

We are currently riding on a boat across the river Red Sticks, and we are getting ever closer to where we hear Arnor may be. I am joined, as always, by my co-adventurer. Shut the talking banter. Bingboks, sorry, sorry Arne Arnardis on the other side of the boat skipping jalapeno poppers. Across the river breadsticks. Arnie, are we doing another episode of Dish and Deep with Arnie? Oh, I don't know.

We talked about doing that, and I don't know if that's ready for prime time. I guess my dad and I have had a pretty hard relationship. Yeah. I guess it started when I was a kid. He was dead. Okay, dish. Dish. Oh, no, sorry, we're just doing the main.

Yeah, yeah, we're just doing it. Remember, hello from the Magic Tavern. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And, Sean, like, be very careful. Don't use your piece. pizza cutter. Oh, the piss? The piss. Yeah, mine is the divider? The distributor.

I've got the divider. Okay, I've got to introduce them, I guess. And I'm also joined by my other co-host, Usador the Wizard. I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, master of lighted shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trakus.

The elves noobius fear and yelik. The dwarves nomi is zoned in hoaxingis, and I am known throughout the northeasters. Casuadius maestro. And here, Lithely off of my wrist And my forearm, You see the deadly pizza cutter,

Divider. You know, I've noticed, Arnie, a lot of the sort of souls down here, calling Usador Marinera Gary. Yeah, I don't know if that's a secret name, or if he just looks like someone else, but I feel like everyone's been like, oh, Marinera Gary.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Sorry, I got up real close to you when you started whispering. And I couldn't help it over here. You do that a lot. I do. I'm not great at personal space. But, yes, I am known to...

A real close talker, and he's a real close talker. What do you mean? I'm real close to him. See? And he spits a lot. Ah, yes, to the denizens of Pizza Hill, I am known as Marineri Gary. Or to those who know me particularly well, Manera Gary. So then, who are they talking about when they say Gera Neri?

Who's Gera Neri? No, Arnie. Gera, Mary is my sworn enemy. And someday that inverse false pizza wizard shall meet his demise of my hands. Yusador, we've been here a couple weeks and you already have a reverse nemesis in Pizza Hell. Sure. Gera Mary? Yeah, of course.

The pizza wizard? Yeah, I mean, don't you have a reverse nemesis everywhere you go? It's me, I think. I think I'm my own nemesis. Arnie, marinari a place we go, do you not have a nemesis? It's you? It's me. I'm the problem.

It's me. Don't you have like an Imra running around trying to kill you or something? Imra. Enra? It's Arnie Backwards. Yeah. Although, someday we're going to run, encounter this character that's just called Arnie Backwards. Oh, I've met him.

He's a nightmare. I already killed Tinnuk. Let's chunt backwards. I can't. I'm not. I can't visualize these words. Oh, you killed your reverse doppelganger? I know, I fucked them, but I'm just going to tell Ernie, I killed him. It's easier.

Smart. Easier than explaining? Yeah. Oh, it looks like we're coming close to the shores. It's been a good time. I just want to say it one more time before we get off the boat. We're riding on the river breadsticks. You seem very proud of that.

I love this river. something about it. You keep giving a big thumbs up and a cheesy smile. Yeah. Domoregato River. I'm just so glad we reached the shore. I'd heard that the river breadsticks was endless. Oh, that's just

impossible. Endless river breadsticks? Can I take these deep-fried pickle chips off my eyes now? I don't know. You were still looking so tired. You've got to keep those on. You said they were the toll, but nobody else put them on. Oh, oh yes. Yes, there were.

There was no ferryman here waiting to take our toll of deep-fried pickle chips, but, Trunk, you know what? Take them off, eat them, throw them in the river, whatever you want to do. Let me lean into this ranch waterfall here and just... Where is your toll? Oh, shit, right when I eat them. This guy looks charred. Where is your toll?

I'm sorry, friend. We've already... We've just disembarked, and we figured we'd pay the toll before we got here. If you're trying to get their money now, it's a bad business model. Give me your toll. I do have a... It's like a wooden coin. This is Bogo.

Buy one, get one. This is for any pizza in Pizza Hell. Wait, are you telling me in Pizza Hell where everything is pizza, and everything is made of pizza? that I can get a free pizza? Well, no, I'm not saying that. I'm saying you can Bogo. You can buy one, get one.

You still have to buy one somehow. Yeah. This is the greatest deal I've ever seen. Free pizza. It's not free. I don't want to get in the weeds about free. It's not free. You do have to pay for one.

I've been set free. I finally can have a free pizza. You've been set, Bogo. This is the end of my. my term here, goodbye forever. He's just latching on to the word free too much. You're all free. Souls and demons and demons, you're all free as me.

Let's just walk away from this guy. Whoa, he's unfurling sort of two slices on his back and he's flying. Oh. He has sort of like pizza wings. Whoa. That was, I didn't expect him to kind of, yeah, lean into freeze like that. Take care, creep. What a weirdo.

Friends. Oh. Friends. I bid you step no further lest you scald your feet. Holy fucking pizza shit. That familiar voice. Also what? I am doomed to stand here in this flowing river of Motsalava.

Monsalava. That's a lots of Motsalava. And if you step any further, your feet will scold as well. I try. every day to push a boulder up to the hill to the peak of the volcano that spews forth the Mazzalava. But just before I reach the top, I have an irresistible thirst.

There before me is a shallow fountain of R.C. Cola. Oh. I kneel to sip. But none of the carbonated water is there. It's just the syrup, you know. Oh, yeah. They don't even have the mix, right. But it is appropriate to Neil, since it is royal crown.

Oh, I always thought it stood for really crappy. There's some ring of familiarity in your voice, friends. Yes, look upon us here. We are your friends from that foonish realm that you did once walk upon. Tis I, Yusinor, and Shunt and Arnie. Usenor. The wizard. Chunks.

Yeah. The badger, formerly shapeshifter. I have trouble recalling. What happened in my former life. I only know that when you spoke the name Arnie, a river of hate boiled in my heart, hotter than any matzalava. Oh, sure.

So you're saying you don't like Mazzalava? You're not a Monsalava lover? Orney, look around. That's a lots of Mazzalava. Matzalava. That's what I keep saying. I don't make fun of Arnor. Look at him here. It's...

It's so terrible and sad. Pushing this giant meatball up this... This pile, this mountain of spaghetti on top of spaghetti all covered with cheese. Oh, just before I get to the precipice, the meatball rolls itself to the ground.

Or I step aside to try to quench my thirst, and then it all starts again. I am condemned to this eternity of futility, never able to achieve a single feat. Then know that you are in good company, friend, for if you do not remember us, we have come to rescue you. Rescue me. We are here to accomplish our feat of rescuing Arnor and bringing you back to Foon. Foon. Foon, yes.

Yes I once walked I walked The sweet The sweet earth of food Look His eyes are unclouding Oh my eyes

My eyes My eyes And this is the most cursed part of it I cannot sleep here I go I go to close my eyes But I have no lids As though when I passed

Someone tried to close my eyes and broke my lids off accidentally. Oh. I can't blink. I can't sleep. Oh. So terrible, but you were such a great hero. How did you end up here in pizza hell?

Yes. A great hero should have, should be living in bliss in Impala. Why am I in Pizza Hell? Or at least like a less good Impala, like you could have gone to tame Impala. I really don't like you. I don't like you.

I don't remember you, but I know I really don't like you. Oh, Chud. I think we found Arnie's reverse. Reverse doppel. Why am I in Pizza Hill? If I was such a great warrior, I must have been defeated in shame. Oh, shut. So you don't remember any, you don't remember barely anything about your life?

Like none of the canonical details? I have flashes of visions, fights with bears. buzzards, great lions and beasts. It's a lot of bee things. Bears and buzzards and lions and beasts. There's and buzzer, great lions and beasts. Arnie, I must write this down and turn it into a song. Can we take a quick break while I do that?

Yes, but can you add to that song? Mata Lava Lava. Bears and Buzz and Great Lies and Beats. Mata Lava, that's a lot to lava. That's a lot of lava. That fucked it up. You didn't tell me I had to buy one. We did.

I told you several times. Hey, what? I thought I got a free pizza. Well, I'm not sure what to tell you. I explicitly said it's buy one, get one. I said Bogo, which is universally a term that means buy one get one. You're lucky I'm so rich, and I'm going to buy that pizza and get a free one. Goodbye.

I've never heard the phrase you're lucky. I'm so rich. That's crazy. Why would even come back to tell you if that one is case? What a fucked phrase that is. Yeah. You're lucky I'm rich. Get the fuck out of here.

I should have eaten. Clearly the worst person we've met in pizza hell. Hold on one second. Arnie, I've gotten pretty good at skipping jalapeno poppers. Let's see. He's flying at about 30 miles an hour going. Arnie,

I'm going to be right back. Nailed him. I'm going to go eat that guy. I mean, none of us even talked about the fact that that guy is also made out of pizza and he wants a free pizza? What is that?

I mean, how many weeks can you be in pizza hell before you stop Ignat, like talking about All the people that are made out of pizza. That's true. That's a good point. But, Arnor, please.

We beg of you. Put this terrible task beside you and leave it here so that we may return to Foon. We need you now more than ever. Honor. Honor, yes, that's my name. Yes. You need me in food. Yes.

Honor, the warrior, the greatest warrior in all of food. Formerly. Oh It hurts I didn't think I could hurt Any more here in hell And yet every word you speak Is another torment

You've asked me for help before Haven't you Yes Yes to fight To fight The dark lord Ah indeed exactly You remember

You're remembering your true self That you are the Gah Gah Gassuinius Yes Yes you're recognize me. And you

remember how much you love me and how much you love Chant and how much you like Arnie and and you want to help us more than anything of course, right? Yes, yes, yes. I've always wanted to help you, Gassiminius, anything for you. Chunt, chunt. Well,

I love chunt dearly, of course. And... Oh, no. I sense of change in tone. Yes. I don't know why yet. Still, but there is a hate, an unquidgible hate, deep within my heart. But probably also a begrudging respect?

No, I'm looking. No, I don't feel any of that. Oh, I've never seen somebody shake their head no so hard. Wow. No, I was worried about his head. And look, his arm keeps kind of reflexively reaching on his back for a sword that's not there. That's... I feel...

I feel... I feel naked. I feel like I'm missing my power. Casmuenius, tell me how I can help you. Return with us to Foon. For the wizards other than mine self have turned to the side of evil. And even now they amass power waiting to rain down havoc, unseen, even when the dark lord was at his height of power.

I'll do it, Cosmoyneus. I'll help you, anything for you. But there's no way I can leave pizza hell with my head held high if I cannot complete a single feet. Oh my God. That was one of the most incredible song lyrics I've ever heard. Could you repeat that? I cannot leave pizza hell with my head held high if I cannot complete a single feet. Oh, my God. This is...

I cannot leave pizza hell with my head held high if I cannot complete a single feet. Guys, we need to sign him immediately. Someone else is going to snatch him up. Honor, are you open to assistance with this feat? There's no need for us to be mentioned in the great tales that are told after. But perhaps we can help you get that giant meatball to the top of that mountain. Oh, yeah. Gasmuenius, I am at my wits end and would accept any help you have to offer.

Okay. Now let's all think How can we get a ball To the top of a mountain and not Roll down the other side Chint. Toothpick. Great. Arnie? Hmm.

Never mind. Arno, you've already been trying this. What if What if we shrunk the mountain? Whoa, that's so smart. I've never thought of that. That's so smart. That's the beauty of being a wizard

You can think outside of the box, and you can do incredible feats like shrink a mountain, like this. Daycock. Day... What? What? Are you sure this is the right spell?

What? Gassouinus. Is this the mountain shrinking spells? Does the... Daycock? Okay. Okay. I know the spell.

I don't need to question you, Gassuadis. I can't remember anything, really. Yeah. It just... My instinct is... That does something else. Yeah. I'm sorry, Daycockus.

Daycock. Huge wag. Ah, big old member. I remember who in the middle of the spell. This spell is a shrinker, not a thinker. Now the mountain is half the size it was before. Gersmoinus, you've done it. I could throw the meatball from here.

Wow. Incredible. Wow. With this feat complete. Now we must gather up Kell and Nathaniel and get the heck out of here. That brings up a good point. Well, first of all, Arnor, are you feeling good about that feat? I guess I feel good about it.

You know, sometimes when you get what you've been aiming for, and you don't really experience the sort of high that you thought you were going to have and the sense of satisfaction and fulfillment, you know. And so I've been working for it for such a long time. I just expected to feel full. Yeah. Right.

And I still feel like the same Arnor. Yeah. And now you've got to start thinking about like, what's my next gig? Yeah.

Yes. It doesn't stop. It's a ham... It's a hamster wheel of feats. It's cyclical, like the seasons. I hate you so much. I really do.

I don't know why. I don't know why I'm going to figure it out. But just every word. Just. makes my skin crawl. Well, as you're remembering things, maybe you're remembering them in order, because I think you used to hate,

Arnie, and then, right before you passed away, I think you really liked him a lot. Really? I think so. I think it grew on you. Right, chunt? Yeah, yes, probably, it's probably the best friend.

Stop elbowing me. I said, well... Well, forgive me, then, Arnie. I've betrayed our friendship now. Oh. If we were that close, Then I wish to be again your boon companion. Oh, yeah, Arnard, are we?

And some would say we're equals. Oh, Arnie, back off to lay it on too thick. We've sort of, you know, we've had similar experiences, is what I'm saying. We have? Yeah, similar name, similar job titles. Arnie, Arnie. You must have accomplished so many feats. Your name, your name is shorter than mine.

It's not. In a sense. Really? We've been over this. You've forgotten, but they're the same size. Yes, yes, yes, yes. But I comes earlier than oh in the alphabet. Sure.

Yes, it's shorter in a way, yes. Right. Yeah, because it's length and then alphabetizing. Let's not stand around comparing Daycox. The good news is the band's back together. I'm... Arnie, I embrace you as a brother. I embrace you as a friend.

You're embracing me really hard. I embrace you as a fellow warrior. Yes. That's beautiful. Thank you. Thank you, Ani. Thank you for coming all this way to retrieve me from pizza hell.

I will die for you, Arne, Meekam. And for you, Gassmoyneus. And for you. You, chunt, I will die for you. To retain all my memories, to develop my full power. All we must do is go back to Foon, and I must vanquished he who slew me.

Uh-oh. Huh. Once I have done this, I shall be restored to my full strength. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Do you have any inkling of who might have slayed you? Because I don't think we were there.

I was hoping you could help me with this, Gassimuinius. My memory, my memory is so, so splotchy. Yet, there are powerful memories stored within my weapon. I had it in my last will in testament that I was to be buried with my sword. Take me to my corporeal flesh. There, I will be reunited with my sword and can have all my memories restored to my mind. Okay, yeah, okay. Ani.

We were supposed to bury him with the sword, but we forgot to do that. We had the sword for a while, and we played with it, and then we, like, propped one of the doors open with it. Should we just say that Garenera Mary killed him? Oh, yeah. Oh, I love that. Do we think this is a kind of thing where he literally has to kill the person that killed him, or is it, like, a psychological thing, where he's just like, I got to kill the person that killed me, And then if it's any other person, and if any person, it'll do.

Arnie, I'm not a, I'm not a learned badger, but my guess is based on Arnor's feats that we know of. I would guess, slay pretty heavily. Like, really, really put the screws to him, like, absolutely chop them up. Lim by limb, probably disembowl, I'm guessing. Probably cut off their generals, shove them in their mouth, so their mouth shut kind of thing. So not all bad. Just based on the legends and lores and songs of Ardoll. Orn's feats. It's pretty graphic. And Chut's right. He's not a learned badger. He's just a simple

country badger. But that doesn't mean that we shouldn't bring honor back. Because even if he tries to kill you, I won't let him and we'll figure out some of the way to get his memories back. Maybe just having a sword will be enough. And I, I know what a sword is. No, you do. Okay, good. What do you guys? What are you guys talking about over there? What are you guys talking about? Oh, Chun was telling us about the pizza guy he ate. Did you finish eating that guy? I just ate his wings. He seemed pretty sorry after that. It seems like the worst thing you could have done just to like,

now if he comes back, you can't fly away. Well, with us. Yeah, in all honesty, I burned the roof of my mouth pretty bad. So that's why I had to stop. I think he was also coughing, like, red chili flakes into my eyes. So he has sort of like a defense mechanism or maybe just a bad cough. I don't know. Yeah.

Are you guys talking about Alan? Oh, the ferryman was his name Alan? Alan, yes. the ferryman, Alan? Yes. Yes. You ate his wings. I ate his... Oh, okay. They grow back. His wings, they grow back. He eats them. He eats them sometimes. He eats his own wings? Oh, yes. He just kind of like flutters them in the ranch waterfall, and then he just, he nibbles them. As much as he can get into his mouth, you know, he has to really...

I don't... It's to really reach around pretty hard to get his own wing. Take out some ribs or something, yeah. Yeah, but he gets as much as he can. And then they grow back. They grow back. They grow back. Yeah. Well, that's good and bad news, I guess, but, but ultimately it's fine, because we're leaving. It's excruciating for him. He screams when he does it. Yeah. It really does. It's excruciating. But, you know, kind of no harm, no foul, chunt. You know, if you, you know, if you'd eaten him entirely, then he'd be dead. Sure. Kind of fucking wild his name is Alan, because if you gave me a million guesses, right? I, Alan would up, yeah. I give you a million

guesses. Ready, go. Pizza lax. No, that's not it. It's Alan. It's a close one, though. Gary. No. How long is it going to take him to guess Alan?

Arnie, I've only done two of a million. He's got a million to get three. We already told you it's Alan. He doesn't want to waste these guesses, though. They're a gift. Well, now I'm going to guess Alan because everyone keeps saying it. That's right. All right.

So three guesses out of a million. That was really good. You can save the rest of those guesses for later. Hell yeah. Chant, you've got 999,997 guesses left. That's amazing. Yeah, I'm going to come back down here for sure, play a little game, and guess who? Now, Arnold, when we return to Foon, if we can't immediately find your sword, can you still help us?

Well, I will be a shadow of what I once was, but I will do my best. What kind of shadow stuff could you do? Like, if you're just on foot as a shadow, what are your powers? Well, I would be more of an average warrior. Hmm. Thought of probably just ten times your strength, Arnie. Oh, okay. Oh, ten times Arnie's strength?

Well, that's if I'm estimating him just by looking at him and what my perception tells me he can do. Yet by legend, Arnie, you must be a great warrior. I mean, I... Of course. I'm the greatest warrior in all of food. You're my best friend. I understand this. And yet.

Are you okay, bestie? There is an open wound in my ego and there's salt being poured in it with every syllable that comes out of your mouth. Well, let me just reach into the river breadsticks here. Oh, what? Here's two breadsticks. Why don't you each take one? And just have, like, sort of, you know, you know how, like, or, you know how, like, hedge knights will spar with, like, wooden swords?

Oh, yeah. You just let them get it out of their system, right? That's a great idea. Yes. Yes, so two of you say, guys, guys, the only thing is, I just want to be careful. Don't forget that there is a spell on me that I cannot be defeated by someone with my name, a similar to my name.

So if he tries to fight me again, I'm going to defeat him. Isn't that just going to further humiliate him? God it, breadstick. It feels natural in my hand. Yes. Yes. Don't worry, Arnie. This isn't a fight to the death. You're just sparring. Come, come, Arnie Kemp. I'm going to make you fall like a domino. All right. How do we start this? Do we, like, grab down and say, hut, hut, hut? Yeah, do that.

I see you're getting shaky, Arnie Neacamp. Are you afraid? Sorry, I have a little bit of a nervous bladder. I might have to go to the Papa John, because I'm a Papa. Well, you both look like regional pizza chain. Happy Joe's to me. Are we doing this? Giordan, yes, or Giorda, no.

See, see, see me? Look, I'm going to do the. Countdown. Duo. Uno. Go! Every time I tried to... What do you want on your tombstone? It was pretty good. It was good. It was really good. I like that. I like that. Would you say it was a home run?

So chintz, while they're sparring, I couldn't have but notice that Arnie and Honor are best friends now. Are you looking for a new best friend? Um, you know what? I could use a, uh, uh, I don't know, sort of, I don't know, a best friend, but maybe an additional very, very good friend. Oh, oh, okay. Well, uh, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna throw a name out there and see what you think. Okay, go ahead. You Sidor the wizard.

No, thanks. Okay. Because, you sort, you're already one of my best friends. Oh. You big galute? Ha ha ha ha, ha, ha. Well, if you need a real, uh, Ani best friend replacement, I was going to suggest Momo. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, it seems like a no-brainer. She's the best. Oh, oh. Every time I try to strike you, Arnie, Meekamp, somehow I'm redirected, and I cannot land a single blow. There can only be one explanation of this. I'm too skillful.

It's that I remember deep down that we are truly the best. best of friends. We are. And I won't allow myself to land a blow. To bring harm unto my nearest and dearest.

This is evidence of what you've said, Arnim E, Kemp, that we are two warriors in a pot. Yeah. We're the same person, Arnor. It's like we're looking in a mirror. I don't know why I just vomited a little bit.

And it's all, He's kind of stuck in my throat. That's your heart trying to leap out of your chest. That's what it is. It must be what it is. It's the only explanation. It's another thing we have in common. We both have devastating acid reflux.

Oh, it already gave a swish of his spritzic. Look at it. It's not delivery. He disarmed him. You two have really been going at it here for a while. Why don't you both have a nice refreshing Pepsi and we'll take a break? I hate Pepsi. Okay, guys.

Obviously, we have a problem to figure out when we get back to Foon. But I've been asking around in Pizza Hell, and I've been told there's only one surefire way to get out of Pizza Hell, but it's a little complicated. All right, hit us. I can lead us out. I have this map, but anyone who died and is in Pizza Hell has to follow us, but if we turn around, then they can't leave Pizza Hell.

Hell. What? So, like, you have to follow us. Wait, if we turn around? No, no, no, no. As long as we, look, the three of us will lead Arnor out. He just has to follow us, but we can't turn around or he will be stuck in Pizza Hell forever. That's true.

It's an old song. Yes. If you turn around, I'll turn to salt. You'll turn. Oh, it's already so salty here in Pizza Hell. Yes. Like a little tower of salt or like a pillar of salt? Like a pillar, like a pillar.

I'll be like my own shape. I would be my own shape. But then the winds of Pizza Hill slowly take you grain by grain across Pizza Hill. You're pillar-esque. Like your bill, I see. We don't talk enough about how you're pillar-sized. You're pillar-sized. Thanks a lot.

That means a lot, you guys. It's all right, buddy. I don't want to derail us here, but I just want to tell you. make a moment and say, Arnie, good work figuring a way to get out of pizza hell. I mean, I had a lot of free time this week, and I just got tired of doing pizza activities. Well, I mean, what else are you going to do in pizza hell?

Other than find a way out of pizza hell. You did it, and you didn't ask for any help from me or, Sean, did you help? I don't think so. It made me emotionally. Sure. Look, this pizza, look, I found this map. It's mostly white.

It also has a word jumble on the side. Oh. And the little area where you can do Tic-Tac-toe games. That's pretty great. There's a lot of these around. Should we... Should we solve the jumble?

Okay. That'll lose in itself. Yeah. Let's see. If anybody, like, knowing be polite. If you see any words in the jumble, just yell them out.

Jump. I see jump on the diagonal there. That's not how you spell jump, but okay. What? J-Y-M-P. Uh, well, then, uh, Ani, you have the map. We'll follow you.

Oh, did we do it? That was it. It was just a misspelled jump. That's the only thing in the jungle. Oh, that was fun, you guys. It really feels like we were best friends. Yeah, that feels right. Oh, yeah.

We all did it. Okay, so we just went this way, and this should be easy. We just don't turn around. That's it. That's how I like it. High stakes. Yes. Okay.

Here's the thing. I'm not going to turn around. I'm not going to look at you. I'm not turning around, but we do need to turn around as a group so we can go back and pick up our other friends. Friends like me. Alan, buddy, hey.

Alan, you're not part of this, Alan. I just want to say I'm so sorry about the wings thing. That's all right. Hey, can I follow you guys out of pizza? You don't have to look at me. Good, good. Well, that helps. We don't do a pillar of salt or?

You're just saying in general. But, Alan, you're not, you're a pizza creature. Yeah, you belong in pizza hell. You belong in pizza hell. Yeah, but that is a meeting I can grow and change. I don't, I don't think so, Alan. I think you need to go back to your job, your duty as a ferryman. Fine, no.

I'll just wait here. And we'll come back. We'll come back for you. Come visit in like the spring or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Here's, let me, Arne, can I see the map for a minute?

Can you tear up a piece of the map? Sure. I guess so. Okay. Here is my, this is my address. This is my home address. You live at 21 Gymp Street? Uh-huh, J-Y-M-P.

And I'm, me and my partner, and we are high schoolers. And we come, come hang out any time. Okay. I will. Yay. This is great meeting you guys. I'm going to jump in the river. He's burning.

He's burning. Who knows what the hell the pizza rules are here? Let's get out of here. But I do. We don't know the pizza rules, but we do know that pizza rules. It's true. It's true. After all of this, after being tortured for weeks in pizza hell, I still do kind of like pizza.

Yeah, I got to say this smell's been incredible up here. Guys, don't turn around, but we have not heard from Arnor in a while. Arnor? I'm back here. No, I'm going, okay. I'm still holding my, I'm still holding my hand up for that high five after you said pizza rules. Oh.

Oh. Okay. We can try, we can try to reach back behind us. Is this working? I think I'm just hitting Usador's hand. Yeah, we're just hitting each other's hands. Oh, well, I'll, here. Okay.

Yeah, that's pretty good. That's good enough. All right. Oh, wait. I have an idea. Let's, actually, I'm going to take this, Arnie, can I have that breadstick that you haven't put down yet?

Okay, so I'm going to, let me just put this by the fire. We'll toast that up. Okay, it's kind of crispy. I'm going to put this breadstick. Arne, I'm going to tie this to your back here. Okay. Arnor, can you tie this breadstick to your, like, your chest? Can I tie the breadstick to my chest?

Yeah, this end? Just so they're sort of like, in between you and Artie, there's sort of, I don't know, so you toasted the breadstick to make it more pliable as a rope? Yes, I'm using the breadstick as a rope, or am I to find a rope and tie the breadstick with the different rope? I'm pretty sure that in Pizza Hell, breadstick is rope. I don't think they have just rope. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because everything's pizza. If we kind of scoot to our left, there is some mozzarella seeping out of this mountain. So maybe take some mozzarella, and that might be a nice sort of like, like, what, like glue? A tether. Oh, just some really, like, viscous mozzarella. Yeah. Yes. Yes.

We'll be bound together with the viscous mausoleva. Yes. That way, even if, even if you go quiet for a little while, we'll know you're still there. And if the mozzarella goes slack, Ani, you speak up immediately. We have rope. Like, why are we have rope? Yes, we brought rope, but we don't want to use that if we don't have to. I'm slinging the matzalava now, Arnie.

Yeah. Yes. Now we have a physical. manifestation of the tether that bonds us together in our friendship. Yes, an umbilicus between the two of us. Because you are reborn. Billicus between the two of us. Bears and blizzard.

It's a pretty good song. Complete defeat. Complete defeat. Complete defeat. Complete defeat. Something there. It's like there's a, it's like there's a holiday for the rest of us. Now, forward, my friends.

We've only got one shot. One opportunity. to seize everything we've ever wanted. Look, I think we'll have no problem accomplishing this as long as we are just fully confident at all times, as long as we don't second guess that we can do this.

Just using the same kind of stupid moving forward without any introspection that has gotten us through the last ten and a half years of this show. Ah, our savior shall be unearned confidence. Yes. Oh shit. Arny, when you said Can Do, I heard a little pop. Look to you're right. Can died?

Or did he just magically come to Pizza Hell? I don't know. We didn't die and we're in Pizza Hell, right? That's true. I don't understand it either. Do we know if Can's on your side, on the wizard side, if he's his own little thing? It depends. He's probably doing his own little thing because there's so many versions of him. There's probably like a shitty one that's helping spin dax, but... Are you a shitty one?

I'm a good, canificent dew spring. Okay. That said, speaking of dew springs, there's a beautiful fountain of mountain mountain dew right behind all of you. Oh, Ken, you're holding up a can of can't do of the mountain. Yes, but, oh, there's a bunch of sexy, people right behind you.

Good try. We're not going to turn around. Ken, I don't know if you're aware, but we can't look behind us right now. Because we're trying to get on or out of pizza hell. I had no idea. Oh shit. There's something pretty cool right behind you. Even cooler than Mountain Dew and sexy ladies? Yes, sexy ladies made of Mountain Dew. That doesn't seem really well.

with turning around for. Baja blast. It's really hot right now. I think we're all right. Ani, you're fine, right? I'm okay. I don't need to see that. Chunt, you don't need to turn around, do you?

Baja blast, that sounds interesting, especially if it's in like pie form, but I'm happy to keep trudging along. All right, Kim, take care, man. All right. I tried. I wasn't very invested. Bless you guys.

you've resisted the first temptation. Oh. How many will there be? Was that the last temptation? Well, you know what? I've never actually ascended before. So, you know, I called it, it was a temptation. I called it the first.

Maybe it's the last. Hopefully it's one of one, indeed. But it seems unlikely. Or, Arnie, you once said, when we were visiting you on Earth, you said there was four temptations? Yes. And then you start snapping your fingers and jutting in and out saying, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Yes.

It's a same old song. I think. I could be wrong about who I'm attributing that to. It looks like you found your quarry and you're headed out to Pizza Hill. Wow. Whoa, Arnie, I don't want to turn around and see who that is. Do you know that voice? I can't tell who it is.

Sounds like Alan? Hey, guys. No, you know who it is. Just turn around and take a look at me. Is it Wolfman Jack? Uh, foo. That's not Ornor, is it? Arnor, uh, different boys.

It's not me. No, it's not me, I promise. Don't turn around to verify. Oh, come on, just turn around and verify. It doesn't take about a second. Yeah, here I am. When this is, this person trying to trick us? You know, there's a saying on earth,

the meanest dog you'll ever meet. He ain't the hound dog in the street. The dog you really need to dread is the one that hounds inside your head. Yeah, all right. All right, I'll give you three clues. One, I'm a giant floating skull. Okay, that could be anyone. Yeah, I don't, you got to narrow it down.

Chunt, you still have your guesses. Oh, shit. Almost a million. Yeah. Okay. Do we have to care who's behind us? Pizza tax. Gary.

Nope. I want to reuse those just because, you know, It'd be so dumb to just not use them. And then the very end be like, shit, it was Gary the whole time. And I just assumed. The great thing is, those still just count as guesses number one and two. All fat rules. Yeah, you already banked those guesses.

Whoa. Um, uh, for... You need another clue? I'm willing to give you up to three. Yeah. Let's take another clue, yeah. Out of my eyeballs right now, there's pepperoni falling, and I'm puking up mozzarella.

It sounds like Alan. I mean, that sounds like... It does sound like Al. Al. Especially after going into a molten river of mozzarella. Wait, is Arnor allowed to turn around? Can Arnor just turn around

and tell us what's behind us? Yeah, you can see me right now. We're just standing right next to each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm standing right here. I could tell you the answer, but it feels like it'd be cheating. Have we met before? I think we've met, but yeah, I remember you. You're Arnold the warrior, right? That's right. That's right.

And you're your Flaky Crust Friend. No, man. Everyone knows me. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Flaky Crest Fred, of course. No, no, no, no. He's not right.

He's not right. I'm so dumb. I just call him Flaky Crust Fred. It's just a thing. It's just a thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, sometimes friends call me that, but everyone knows me because I'm the greatest,

this is the third clue. I'm the greatest pizza entity who defeated the seven feats in Pizza Hell to come out and be the pizza champion of food. Yeah, yeah. Dude, you should have practiced this. You defeated seven feats? Yeah, that's how I got a pizza hell.

I had to do all the pizza feats and hell. Are you a peanut? It does sound familiar. Who is this? I feel like I've met this person. Come on, you all know me. Yeah. Chunt, you're going to guess one more time?

Can we just keep going? Let's keep walking. We don't we even engaging with this. Okay, one more clue. A fourth clue. We're good. No, you said three. We're good.

You walk through my KBin pizza, guys, guys are walking, guys are walking, all right, we're good. Pizza skull. We're good. It's pizza skull. We're good. Thank you, we're good.

Thank you, we're good. Oh, I just, we're good. I was. I was so tempted to turn around just to tell him to fuck off. Yeah, that must have been the second, uh, The second trial, I suppose.

I guess so? These are weird trials. So that was the second trial. We've had one temptation. So two trials, one temptation. Boy, I hope we don't have any hurdles. Oh, here's some right here. Shit.

All right. How is everyone at jumping? Not good. I tore my meniscus. Oh, we can go around. Guys, we can go around. Yeah, they're just like normal width hurdles. We can just walk around these.

All right. Is it possible that half of my torn meniscus is somewhere in pizza hell? Like if a part of you gets injured, does it go to the afterlife? Of course. We can look for it, Arnie. No. You want to stick around? It's possible without turning around.

Oh, no, my friends. Be careful. We've come to the revolving door. Oh, shit. How are we not going to turn around in the revolving door? This is going to be tough. This weird mozzarella rope is also not going to make this easier. Is it?

No. Is it, and that sort of mozzarella epoxy we put on it is really bound tight. Is it, consider turning around if we see it, if we see Arnor and our peripheral? Is that considered turning around? My peripheral vision is so good. I don't think you can look at them at all. I think if you go in and you just kind of pivot your torso counter to the swing of the revolving door, you can make your way out the exit without actually turning around in any respect.

Oh, yeah. Or what if we go in backwards, Arnor first, and then the rest of us sort of, you know, I guess it's the same. I'm just going to close my eyes while I'm in there. Oh, so smart. Yeah, that's a good question. Is it the actual turning that matters, or is it the seeing? Oh, my God, so smart. Oh, good question. Could I turn, yeah, could I close my eyes and turn around? I'm still turning around. It's a good question, yes. Oh, I don't even want to risk it, though. Don't turn around, even with your eyes closed.

All right? You know what? If we're going to have to come back down and do this for Kel and Nathaniel Quintyarvin, I say, fuck it. It's not worth it. This is too much work. That's true. Oh, wait.

Kel's behind us. Kell are you there, too? Tell you there? I'm here. All right. Well, just be quiet for a while. Yeah, yeah. We don't say too much.

Just follow us. Okay. Dethaniel Quinn Yarven? I don't hear him. Yeah. But he's pretty quiet anyway, right? That's true. He is quite.

He's probably back there. He'd know. we'd start running. All right. I'm gonna go in first with my eyes closed. I'm kind of feeling the wall to see when... That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me.

Sorry. Sorry. Okay. I'm gonna open my eyes again. And now I'm gonna walk into the door first, into the revolving door. Now I'm gonna feel the wall as I start to turn it. So I can tell when it's open on the other side. Am I on the other side?

I feel like I came out the opening on the other side. You're back where we are. Okay. You went all the way around. I... Okay. So I didn't feel an opening. Oh, it could be up. Did you press up?

I didn't press up. You did kind of technically turn around. Arnor, are you still back there? I'm still here. Okay, so it must be the eyes. It must be the eyes then. But still, let's not, don't chance it. I've got to, all right, closing my eyes, I'm going in.

I'm feeling the ceiling this time. Okay, yeah, there's a hole up here. Okay, so stop revolveld, out. Stop revolving the door. Stop revolving out. My out. You're doing it. Your other hand was pushing.

One hand was pushing out, the other hand was pushing it? No. Oh, all right. Well, I'll do it one more time. Here I go. All right. I'm going in. I'm feeling, okay, there's a hole right here. I'm going to climb up in this hole. Are there any other doors? Like, okay. I'm above, I'm above the revolving door. Oh, Arnie? Yeah. About 20 feet to your left. Do you see the big push doors that says

pizza hell exit? Yeah. Should we just do the push doors? Yeah, this revolving door, the sign says bathroom. He'll figure it out, right? So everyone comes this way. He's in the walls now, so I think. He's in the walls of pizza. All right, you got this, buddy. You sure we believe in you. You'll know you're there when you feel the porcelain.

All right, we're right behind you. Let's just go to it. Hey, Arna, we're going to go to the side. Shimmie, shimmy to the side. Jimmy, shimmy, shimmy. Shimmy to the shimmy, shimmy, okay. This mozzarella tether is really kind of hardened. It is.

It's just sort of lost its give. There's a toilet here. Are there toilets and pizza hell? Oh, hell yeah, buddy. Go ahead and, yeah, do your thing. Alright, let's go. Okay, and we are... Ooh.

Oh. Oh. Usador, you still down there? Do you just trade Arnor for Usador? Guestuanius. Guestuoyne. Oh, don't worry. That exit also works.

He'll get out of there in a few minutes. It'll be fine. Alan. Hey, I just thought I'd follow you guys out. No big deal. You couldn't turn around. Sorry, you don't get to say that. Yeah.

Yeah. You can't say what you did and say no big deal. Fuck you guys. I'm out of there now. Yeah. You fucking suckers, I just kept quiet and followed you the whole way. Hey, guess what, Alan? Hey, guess what?

You're not in hell anymore, the source of your power. So, let me just take my pizza cutter here, the piss. I think your wings don't grow back anymore. Oh, uh, uh, uh, thin crust wing ass bitch. Ooh, that's cool. Yeah, Cal, that was cool. Goodbye, pizza hell. We saved Cal too.

Yeah, yeah. To be honest, any number of people could have gotten out of pizza hell just by following us. Yeah, probably like, we could have accidentally released all the pizza hell. You did. You talked about the map pretty loud. Yeah. And then we stood there and spoke about the rules for a very long time. We also didn't look behind us.

So like a lot. Who knows who is following us? And I will say when I said, look at the push doors and we went up to the push doors, I did hear a voice kind of somewhat far away, say like, oh, hell yeah, I got to go and tell the rest of the guys. No. I do think. It's like that old saying

when pizza hell is full, the dead will walk the food. Oh. Oh. Oh, us atores. Oh, you're already here. Yeah, we somehow got in front of you from the same way you took.

So you all got into the bathroom and then you all had to figure out a way to flush yourself down the toilet? No. No? No. What did you do? We just walked out of the door.

Arnie. Fuck. I knew I should have walked out that door. It was a cool experience you had, though, Gasboides. Don't let anyone take that from you. Yeah, you have a story. I'm jealous. Man, I am jealous of that story you have. I do have a story. The time I escaped pizza hell through a toilet.

I don't want pizza anymore. Arnor. It's so good to see you back in the flesh on Foon. Yes, the air. It's crisp. and refreshing. A gentle bubbling spring. Oh,

my thirst is quenched for the first time in years. Holy shit, he's going to give that whole stream. Yeah, he's going to give himself cramps. He didn't drink it that fast. Pepsi is pretty refreshing. I don't know. You truly are a friend,

Arnie Neckhamp, the best friend and a great warrior, the dearest companion any war. Warrior could hope to ever have. I draw you near again in my manly embrace. I hate your hugs. I love you, Arnoy, Neacamp. I love you, Arnor.

I treasure you, too. Well, we're going to find your sword just as soon as we can and figure out who killed you so you can kill them right back. Oh, you already killed Alan. Well, I cut his wings off. Yeah, I'm fine. You're fucking Alan. Hey, Alan, how do you feel about March Magic?

I love March Magic. We got to enter you this year, maybe. Or next year or whatever. That'd be sweet. Yeah, we'll see. Well, we'll call you. Okay. Well, you guys are just walking away, and I can't really keep up because I don't have wings.

Mm-hmm. Bye to sign, buddy. We can't look back. I'll see you at 21 Gymp Street. I'll catch up. Yep, I'll see you there. Shit, Arnie. I really do live at 21 June Street.

I went to write a fake address and I guess just instinct took over and I wrote my real one. I told you when you moved in there, you said this address is so cool, I'll never be able to lie about where I live. Come on, Marty, can I stay with you? Yeah, but I live at 22 Jim Street. That's right. We decided to build a little cul-de-sac where we all live.

We said it'd be the best time and now we're fucked. Do you think we'll ever build a 23 Jim Street? They're working on it. I hear they're working on it. I want in. I want in that cul-de-sac of affection and love. Well, I mean, honestly, unless we can figure out a way to get this redstick, uh, epoxy-dissolved, you guys will absolutely be living next to each other.

Oh, yeah. That's true. This Monsalava. Oh, wow. This is, this is like granite now that it's on food. Oh, are you strong enough to break it? I mean, you're... I'm not back to my full strength yet.

Arnie B. Camp. But when I have vanquished the one who slew me, then I will be able to do feats like you wouldn't imagine. Yeah. Your arms are like medium strong. It just looks weird on you a little bit. Well, I take that as gentle criticism from a friend. And, you know, that's constructive.

It just tells me, you know, I need to sort of get back on my buys and tries and, you know, getting into my old routine again, I guess. Hey guys We can figure this all out later What do you say we all Go grab a slice I'm dumb Alan

Fuck off Yeah let's just walk away He can't keep up Yeah Just don't look at him Don't go Where you guys going I can meet you there

For a slice of pizza Shit Arnie what is wrong with me Talk to you Yeah The only thing that's going to save says we're going to immediately forget he exists after this episode is over. I love pizza. I'll see you there. Eat yourself.

Yeah. Thumbs up. Should you ever find yourself lost in this wide, carefully populated universe we've created. Just remember. Head for the nearest toilet. Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rify. Arnor, the War II.

was played by special guest Blaine Swen. Blaine is the creator and director of the Improvise Shakespeare Company, and rumor has it. When any of the other lesser players are having a great show, Blaine will pull them aside backstage and say, don't you dare outshine me. I built this style of improv. I will kill your character for no reason.

Anyway, that's what I've heard. Check out Improvised Shakespeare.com to see when Blaine's extraordinary creation is performing near you. Kel the Sword Bro was played by Erica Ishii Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon Patrons get ad-free episodes all the spin-offs and at least two new bonus episodes each month

to learn more about supporting the show including how to gift someone a Patreon subscription Can you imagine? Visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adder Rify Post-production coordination by Garrett Shultz. This episode edited by Sage G.C.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBann. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. It's been several days, and I have heard nothing. They would not forget me again, would they? They gave me their word. And if history teaches us anything, it's that their word is as good as gold. Yes, practically a guarantee. Oh no.

Oh. Oh no. It's happened again, hasn't it? Oh, guess I have no choice but to continue to... ...meca de pizza.