Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 86 - Gianessa Now (w/ Dana Quercioli)

Episode Date: February 2, 2026

Gianessa, the overworked mayor, considers future plans for Hogsface.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungGianessa: Dana QuercioliMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. That being said, a thing doesn't have to be real to have a community around it that tends to be there for each other, even at the darkest of times. And I went to summer camp in a proto-black hole I know about dark times. So let's keep looking out for each other while we also look out for that most precious of things. A worthwhile story arc to counterbalance some shoddy, even reckless character development. Now, take a deep breath, be reminded that we're not going anywhere. and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnold Kneecamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Ten years and three quarters of a year ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago

into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast, recorded here in the tavern the ruffled feather in McShingleshain Forest on the outskirts of hogs face in the magical land of foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. Shirts, get your t-shirts, get your pizza hell t-shirts. Arnie, no one is buying these pizza hell t-shirts.

How much did you invest in these, does Pizza Hell merch? I'd rather not say. And I, what sucks is I bought five different options. You know, just in case. You didn't just start with like one. design. I have Pizza Hell Lowe from the Magic Tavern. That's pretty good. Which is sold two.

I have Pizza Hell closed on Mondays. Just sold two. Of course, you and Usore. Are these the same two people that bought these? You and Usir. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Wait what?

You guys, you guys bought some, right? Come on, please. All right. Counting on these two. The third one says Ravioli Valhalla, which I'm not sure what that is, but I put on a t-shirt. Would you guys want to buy a rabbioli Valhalla t-shirt?

No. I'm good. What about Hogi Heaven? What's the last one? Hogi Heaven? I'll take 12. Yes. At this point, did you just get caught up in sort of brainstorming and forgot what the original point of the merch was to promote that we had gone to pizza hell?

Arnie, I learned it from watching you. Yeah. You said, be on the lookout for. for anything that could be a t-shirt. And so I thought, well, Pizza Hell was quite a long time. That's true. I mean, are you just, okay, I hesitate to ask this. Is this something we're going to try to put in our,

you didn't hesitate at all? I didn't. Is this something we're going to try to put in our regular merch store on Earth as well? Now that we're out of Pizza Hell, we're going to start selling Pizza Hell t-shirts. All right. People are going to be so excited about those three episodes where we were in Pizza Hell, that maybe they're going to want a shirt to commemorate it. Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, maybe. Well, let's see how well they do here in Foon first. How's that sound? Uh, it sounds pretty bad. But you're right. Hey, what happened to that pizza demon that was following us? What was his name, Gary? I can't remember what his...

Alan? I don't remember what his name was, nor how his voice sounded. I don't think any of us remember. Why would we? It was over a week ago. I just feel like he... would probably buy a couple t-shirts. Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. Like, have you ever moved someplace and then immediately wanted to buy a, a t-shirt of the place you're from? Hmm. Guess not. Are you worried at all about getting a cease-s-since-s sausage from a pizza skull?

A piece and desist? That would have been better. No, yours is better. Yours is better. Hey, I'm just riffing, man. I'm just riffing. I got all these t-shirts. Look, guys, it was a dramatic and almost traumatizing experience.

spending several weeks in pizza hell, but now we're back in Hogs Face. And I've decided that I'm just going to be a little more responsible and a little more adult. And we're going to start accomplishing things. And I think it's time to wrap up all our loose ends in Hogsface because I think it's time for us to head back to Northeastia. That's what I've been saying. Adult stuff for 10 years now. Like let's go out and get some shit done. Yeah, let's start investing our gold.

let's, you know, open an LLC, whatever that is. Let's really do it, guys. And Arnold, I've already noticed the changes you've made. You referred to yourself as Arnold. Yeah, thank you for noticing. I've just decided, you know, maybe I'm not in Arnie anymore. Like, I'm old enough that maybe I should just embrace being Arnold. Oh, and whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this?

Polo tucked into the jeans. Mm-hmm. Whoa. Also going by your full name, of course, keeps on or off the trail of getting into a fight with you again about the lengths of your names, that's true. That is a bonus. I don't know why I resisted it so much before.

Then the other thing you said that I caught on to was you said, uh, nearly traumatic, something to that effect. I'm just so curious about what, how something is nearly traumatic. Well, it's kind of like if it's sort of traumatic, but still fun content, basically. That's what I would say is nearly traumatic. Okay. And you know what, guys? Yeah, we need to be adults.

Throw those t-shirts in the lake. From now on, I'm only making dress shirts. My Hogi Heaven T-shirt. It'll be a dress shirt that says Hogi Haven or, you know, Pizza Health Club. Wait, is Hockey Haven? Not even Hogi Heaven? Hoagie Heaven. Sorry, Hogi Heaven. Well, there's a typo, but don't tell you to them. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Look, as we settle up all of our accounts in Hogs' Face, we've got to make sure Hogsface is still in good hands while we leave. So I thought we would talk to the most responsible person in all of Hogs' face. These t-shirts are soaked. It's clearly not Yusador. But here they come now. Gianessa, Gennessa, over here. Oh, what?

What's going on? Oh, hey, Gina Nessa. I don't know. It's been a while. I don't know if you remember us. I'm Arnie. This is Chunt. Hi, I'm a badger.

I remember how everybody, hello. Oh, how is everyone? Well, we've had a nearly traumatic experience, but overall, we've grown and we're adults now. Oh, wow. Oh, I've got to have some sort of contest to get rid of all these wet t-shirts. Oh, wait, what is Ravioli Valhalla? I have no idea. I'm in.

Shit. Right when I pivoted. That sounds amazing to me. Oh, well, I believe a chunt here could sell you a t-shirt if you like. Yes, a t-shirt, a dress shirt, perhaps a cardigan that says Ravioli Valhalla. Oh, I don't want a cardigan or a dress shirt. I'm trying to like chill out. Oh, okay.

Wouldn't it be fun if you guys saw me and you were like, whoa, a t-shirt? Actually, GNS, I couldn't help but notice that you're literally only wearing one hat. That's right. Oh, wow. I had this specially made because you guys know I can't sew anything, but I had this specially made. and it's just one mayor. That's all to see.

Can you see what it says right here? One mayor. One mayor. That's it. That's all I do now. Really? Yeah. Because last time we saw you, you had dozens of jobs all throughout.

You're more or less running every aspect of the town. Oh my gosh. I know. I ran for, because I didn't know that I was going to win because I thought they're going to hate me because, you know, I'm non-male. And so I thought nobody would vote for me. And, but I was, I received so many, I got so many jobs. It was too much.

So I'm trying to like scale back and Momo and Flower have helped me try to come to term my friends by two of my best friends. You know them. And so they're trying to come, like help me kind of step into a new version of me. Okay. That is very laid back and would maybe love Ravioli Valhalla. Oh, Jeannessa, I love this for you. You always seem sort of so stressed out and overburdened, but maybe you're growing up and you're learning how to relax and how to have the right amount of responsibility. And also how to wear a fun t-shirt.

Thank you so much. This couldn't have happened at a better time. For just as you are giving up your responsibilities, Gianessa, Arnie is learning to take up responsibility. It's Arnold. I noticed. Now, you did say Arnie to me. You said, remember me, it's Arnie. Oh, it's going to take, oh, it's going to take some learning.

It's a period of adjustment. Yes. Gina, so thank you for calling me in on that. Yes, it's Arnold. You're so welcome, Arnold. Can I give you one tip? Sure. If you're going to tuck a shirt in, got to put a belt on.

Okay. Oh, yeah, should he also zip up his fly? Because, yes. The shirt's kind of hanging out. Yeah, okay, I thought so. Did somebody say, belt? Eratural clow! I've conjured a belt out of nothingness.

You're welcome. It's braided, so I don't love that about it, but... So, like, I didn't know how to conjure. What's that human hair? Braided human hair? Yeah, oh, yeah. It might be. This looks like your hair, Yusador.

It looks like you set a spell, but it looked like you reached in the back of your pouch and pulled this out. Smells. Well, I mean, I did craft it initially with my own hair, which grows so fast. I have to do something with it. Did you just braid a ponytail and then cut it off and make it into a belt for me? And then I stuffed it in my hat and I did a little shiny, flashy spell, just some lights to make it look like I pulled this belt out. You may waste magic on making a belt?

Great point. Oh shit. Actually, would you waste some magic? I just thought of this and I'm trying to be responsible because we're adults now. I guarantee you someone's going to go Ravioli Valhalla. Vealholla was right there. Can you make me a Veal Haula shirt just so I have that base covered? All right.

And while you're at it, because I know what the next thing he's going to think of is, then he's going to ask for a Vol Haala shirt. Yeah, but C-H-A, et cetera, like the bread. Oh, shit. So let me get this straight. This is going to be Ravioli, Vealala. That's the shirt now? Oh, it's all one?

You want all of it on one? I did initially, but now that we're really kicking the wheels on this, I think I do. Gianessa, what do you, or no, you're sorry, you're just a one hat. Well, I mean, that t-shirt is a hat on a hat on a hat. I'm worried about it. Well, it's going to take a little bit of doing, so I'm going to go draw a circle with chalk to get that started.

Excuse me. Oh, my goodness. So, Gianessa, you're just the mayor now, or not just the mayor. That's enough. You're enough, but you're the mayor now. Thank you for saying I'm enough. I recommend we all tell each other that and ourselves that. Momo and Flower have been telling me I'm enough for as long as I've known them.

I know, you know what, female friendships? They're so important. I know you guys don't understand that, but they really are. I have some female friends, I think. Even when you're like a non-male and you're friends with other non-mails, it's very important. Oh, I'm sure that's true. Yeah. Also, how many female friends do you have?

Because sometimes when you say that, it's like, oh, I know, I know a woman. But do you have a lot? Well, can I ask you a slightly related question? Am I your friend? Yes. Yes. Okay, well, then I've got, I don't know. I've probably got like a dozen female friends.

Arnie, you always say, you always say some of my best women have friends. You always say that. Yeah. Yeah, right? That's how you say it. Do you want to tell me what some of my best women means? Yeah, what does that mean, Arney? Oh, just the women that I hold in the highest esteem.

My best women. And I like to have a weird sense of ownership over them. I feel like that's healthy, right? Do you have kind of some sort of like a binding device that has a list of names in them? I do have binders full of my best women. You know, that might seem crazy now. But like 10 years from now, you're going to look back on it and be like, that's better than what we got. That seemed crazy.

But that person was trying. They were maybe not talking about it in the right way. But they were trying. Trying, sometimes trying is all that, all you can do, which is what, another lesson I've had to learn. All right. I cast the spell. I drew the chalk circle.

And I put the t-shirts in the middle, and I cast the spell. But I'm sorry, it didn't work properly. And I just have these t-shirts now that say Ravioli U. As in university? Correct. I'd go there. It's pretty good. I would probably graduate from Ravioli U.

I'll take one. Yeah. Oh, you will? Yeah. 10 gold. What does it say about me that I spent weeks being tortured in pizza hell, and I'm still up for Ravioli U? There's just something about it that sounds delicious.

It does sound so good. That sounds so good. You know, I would also enroll in What's Amata, you. Thank you. Yeah. I wonder, I do, not to steer us away from What's Amata You, but... Please do. Don't we wonder what the meal plan is like at Ravioli U?

Oh, like as a people? Huh? Like is it people? Like are there raviolis at the university, but they eat people? Let's take a break. Am I doing all right? Are we doing all right, Artie? Are we doing all right?

I thought you meant is the meal plan at ravioli you people? Like, do you eat people at ravioli? I was going to have to put my foot down. I thought the same thing. I think that's what I meant. But the pique, but the ravioli are eating people. Huh. It's rabbioli going to university.

And of course. Oh. For lunch, they eat people. I get it now. Got it. Not really. Are we on break yet? I mean, it was annoying.

I don't know if I'd call it torture exactly. I mean, they really need to up their torture game if they really want to, like, keep pace with the other hells. Yeah. I mean, like, you get tired of eating cheese, obviously. But even then, you like, just take a break. You have some cup of some breadsticks. Yeah. There was, you know, there was like, you know, some of the demons would open their mouth and you would look at the breadlights and you would lose your mind.

Like, looking at breadlights does make you lose your mind. Oh, yeah. I lost my mind. I recovered pretty quickly. Yeah. How long, how long were your minds lost for? I'd say. 30, 40 seconds.

Yeah, something, maybe two minutes tops. Oh. I'm not sure we ever got them back if I'm being perfectly honest. I don't know. We've got some pretty good ideas with these t-shirts this week. I don't think you could make merch this good without minds. Janessa, I'm so sorry. We keep talking about ourselves and our near trauma and our sort of great T-shirt ideas.

We haven't spent enough time catching up with you. You've got your great friendships with Momo and Flower. That's wonderful. It makes me a little bit jealous, but I'm excited about it for you. Thank you. And it sounds like you've got work-life balance, finally. I do have work-life balance I have what I have is

free time Oh you guys ever tried to have that I've never had that before It's great I try to have as much as I can Oh yes I say mostly that's the time That we have

Yeah I'm basically all free time I went fishing the last two days You went fishing for two days And not to supply a whole town with food No no no he went fishing for fun two days ago, and then I ran into him down by the creek. And I said, do you want to go fishing? And he's like, yeah, I need a break from this.

And we took a fishing trip in the middle of his other fishing trip. So the fishing for fun was interrupted by more fishing for leisure? Correct. Yep. Wow. What a world. You don't feel compelled to do one million things when you're... All of my time is free time, except for this, what I'm doing?

right now, which really seems like free time. Huh. This is my job what I'm doing right now. Wow. Isn't that crazy? That even, the guy kind of blows my mind, and I'm just part of it. You store and I are furvillous little pigs. You're working?

I'm working right now so hard. Wow. Can I throw just a hypothetical at you, fellas? Please. Okay. You're walking. You're just kind of strolling down the street, which everybody says go on long. I'm sorry, you already lost me.

Oh, you don't go for walks. Not a lot, but no, no, okay. So I will, okay, I will imagine a version of myself that's walking. Okay, it doesn't have to be for leisure or for fun. Am I stridently looking about to take in my whereabouts in case there's any danger of foot? Always. Great. So you walk by.

You see something. Let's say there's a cart and the wheel has come off the cart. Do you feel like it's your response? ability to go help the townsfolk or to fix that wheel on that cart because that's probably belongs to somebody who needs to get to the town center to get goods and supplies and contribute to the greater local economy. Of course I would churn around dramatically and say, Townsfolk, come together. We must repair this wheel. I beg each of thee, take up thine hammer, Take up thine steak, take up thine extra wood, and help this poor person.

Prepare their sad cart. Oh, what a day! If we do not repair this cart, most assuredly evil shall win. Whereas I would probably just go up and say, whoa, what's happening here? And I think I would see all that and be like, we'll, I really need to go fishing. Okay. So Usador would summon other people to work. And Arnie, you would just kind of observe it?

No, no, no. I would, honestly, I wouldn't even be paying that much attention. I'd be talking. I'd be talking. I'd be kind of asking questions. You'd be interviewing the wheel. Yeah. Yeah.

Talking at it. Okay, you'd be talking at or around a wheel. Sure, sure. And, Chunt, you're like, get me to the fish and hole. Mm-hmm. Okay. My second favorite kind of hole. I'm tempted to ask what the first one is.

He really laid it up for you. But yeah, okay, so my problem is that I would see that wheel and I would think, well, I better fix that myself with these two hardworking, gorgeous hands. They are looking good. Thank you so much. I did you do a manicure or something? I legally have to. You legally have to have a manicure? Yes.

Oh, because you're the mayor. Yes. Is that a law you passed? Yes. Oh. I could, I do so much. labor that I needed to... You know, you can't...

It's just one of those things where if you're again a non-male in office, there's a double standard. Oh, right. Because a man had grizzled and gnarled hands that most assuredly everyone would say, look at how he's the salt of the earth. Why I would drink an ale with him right now.

Exactly. Where she showed up with gnarled and twisted hands, people would say, oh, she isn't looking her best. Oh, that's so nice. No, they'd call me a stupid cunt, and they'd tell me to get out of office. I've seen the signs. Well, I've seen signs that say Cupid stunt. Well, I suppose if no one walked up to the cart eventually, I would turn and say,

Stand back, fair citizen, let me use my magical powers to repair your cart, and then I would conjure from a very ether, from nothingness into full corporeal being, a series of squirrels, which would take the place of the wheel, and then run the cart along while this person made their travails. Gianessa, I'm asking this as a friend. If you were a cart, how would you describe yourself these days? Sturdy, old, worn, worse for wear, solitary, solitary, abandoned?

Oh, but you've got your friendships and you've got your manicure routine now. You could pass another law if there's some other type of self-care that you need. Perhaps, oh, I don't know. Can I say something? Well, I'll help you out. It's not self-care I need. It's other person care. Does that make sense?

Now that I have all this free time, it turns out when you're not constantly working, You think about other things that you need. Yeah. Oh, wow. It's wild. So wait, are you saying you need these other things or you need a distraction from thinking about these other things? Six of one. I didn't realize I needed them.

I could use distractions. I could overwork myself, but then I'd be going back on my word. I don't want to do that. I don't know. I guess what I'm learning is I have needs. It sounds like you. Need a horse. A horse?

Yes, a stalwart and powerful horse, a steed upon which you can ride across the land. Going from one place to the next with the quickest of speed, we had some horses. They're around here somewhere. All our horses are somewhere. We have like an upside-down camel or something? Upside-down camel. We did have an upside-down camel. His name was Spider-Man, and he peed everywhere.

You don't want him. Yes, that is a true thing. And we're not drunk. Oh, well, I don't know. Now I don't know. Me thinks the lady does protest. I honestly, when people tell me out of the blue, they're not drunk. But we're not.

We're not drunk. We're not drunk. Is a part of your job, Gianessa, as mayor, to cut people off when they've had too much to drink? No. Part of my job as mayor is to enforce the law. that keep the people who work at the pubs, the taverns, the whatever, that they know that they have the right to do that when it gets to be too much, you know? Well, then we can just ask Abraham behind the bar if we're too drunk.

Abraham, are we too drunk? Have we, have we been drinking? Are we drunk? Fuck you. Okay. There's no one over there. Yusador is so drunk. He just keeps yelling at that corner. I thought that your whole thing was you were going to. to be more responsible. What the hell happened?

We're trying. We're putting on a brave face. It's a transition period. Okay. We've already established that. Janessa, oh my gosh, I hate to do this. We need so much help. I know you want to limit how many things you're doing, but we need so much. We're trying to close out all our loose ends in hogs' face, but we're just not good at doing any of those things. What can I do?

Okay. What's our top priority? Be great to find our animals. Good to find our animals. That's on the list. Would love to move the plot along. Arnearney, you're always saying that. Let's make the list and then we'll rank the list. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah. Let's not be pressured by what the top thing is. Well, one thing is we are working on moving hundreds or thousands of earth people, people from my world, into Hogs Face. And we haven't thought at all about what that would do to the town itself, the housing market, the resources of the town. It's going to really exhaust everything. I mean, what are we talking to?

12, 15 more people? There's 7 billion people on Earth, I think, Ronnie. Yeah, yeah, we wouldn't want all of them. We haven't come up with a good system for how to decide. Yeah, you said no one from Cleveland. Well, I mean, I'm just, look, I'm taking every state and sort of classifying the cities by who. In Cleveland, I'm sorry. Even below Toledo.

I'm sorry, Ohio. All right, okay. But if I'm putting Cleveland right next to, like if I'm doing a side-by-side and it's pizza hell. And Cleveland, surely Cleveland looks like pizza heaven, right? Well, I suppose so. Ani, were we in Cleveland when we were on Earth in the 1980s? Well, no, we were mostly in Northeast Ohio, which is, I generously would say is the most boring part of Ohio. Didn't we go to a venture or something?

Adventure. A lot of Kmart, one of those. We went to a Meyer. We went to a Meyer. Super Store. Oh, a Meyer, yes. I kept telling you it's not Myers. It's Meyer.

And I got Blue Moon ice cream at Myers. And we also went to the Island of Kings. Well, no, we wanted to go to the Island of Kings, but we were closer to Cedar Point, America's rollercoast. And that was the best part of the whole trip. I fell out of a roller coaster.

Gianessa, can you get us back to Earth in the 1980? ladies. Can I transport you back to earth? Yes, when Arnie was, but how old were you then? Twelve or something when we saw you? Yeah, it was like 12 or 13, I think. Can you make us all young again? I guess that's what we're asking. I wish I could. I wish I could do that.

We'll do it right this time. Well, I don't have any powers. Oh. A couple times I could think of something and make something happen, but it's mostly like, boy, I wish I had a glass of water. It's nothing big Yeah But it still just showed up there

Yeah I didn't even have to go to a well And pump it or anything Just showed up Let me ask you a question Did you turn around and it was there Or did it appear like literally In front of your eyes?

Appeared right in front of my eyes Wow G&Sah I have news for you You got magic You magic girl? I have a little I have a little

I don't know my full Like heritage lineage Okay well I know I have some some stuff going on. Can you try to wish for something like that again? Maybe like a drink or a meal or something that would appear on the table.

Okay, because it's the first thing that I can think of. All right, see? There's ravioli right there. It's just, it was in my head. I couldn't get it out of my head. You know, like, once you hear something and you're like, God, I want to have that. Feel halla. Thinking about it. I would never eat it.

Viala, but ravioli Valhalla, yes. But you know what? You got me thinking because my globe spin in a little bit because I I don't know if you guys remember this, broke both my legs in a horrible fall. Sounds familiar. And as I was trying to get away

from Spintax, I said to myself, boy, I wish my legs weren't broken. Oh. And wouldn't you know it? And I ran, I ran and ran to safety. Wow. Well, that's, maybe that's why you've been able to keep up with all these jobs from a normal human like Arnie here would become exhausted. And you're kind of constantly healing yourself, but yet you're using all this magic, all this manner to, for the benefit of others, which is wonderful.

But it's good that you're taking some time for you. Enjoy that, ravioli. And also, GNS, I had heard that you were kidnapped by SpinTax. and almost died. Yeah. And I'm so sorry I didn't catch up with you. Although once when I saw Flower and they said they were going to go talk to you, I said, hey, Flower, tell Gina, I said hi.

I don't know if that ever got to you. That's the same thing. Oh, yeah. Flower did. Flower did. Yeah, good. Yes, of course. And then I said, oh, did Arnold ask how I was doing?

And Flower said, no. Oh, shit. Well, I was just starting the dialogue, really. But I didn't want to overburdened. Look, how many messages can I expect Flower to carry? Oh, absolutely. There's so many stories to tell. We've all got our own tales. I don't blame you. And when I heard, I sent you that grub hut. Thank you so much.

That little hut showed up right next to your house and you were able to get food right out of it? Absolutely. So convenient. Could you imagine? It's just right there? Just brought to me? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Just a mention of hut. I'm having some near flashbacks about pizza. Yeah. Oh, near trauma. Near trauma, yeah. So many things shaped like huts. Someday soon, take it for me. It's not going to be near trauma.

It's going to be far trauma. It won't be, you grow with it. Do you know what I mean? It's like when a tree gets struck by lightning. You know, you see where the damage was. And then you just grow, you grow around it. Or it splits. Yeah, sometimes those trees die.

That's fine. Yeah, sometimes they die. But for the most part, they're all right. Yeah, so our psyches will distort themselves around this impossible to digest thing, essentially. Yeah, exactly. Becoming two parallel psyches, growing one right next to the other. Perhaps they'll be Eucador left and Eusador right, and only one shall win in the end. Wow.

But probably not. Probably not, but I got to say, I would camp out all day for tickets to that. Oh, yeah. I can't imagine having to have two different voices. GNSA, can I ask you for another favor? Yeah, name it. So we're heading to the Northeast, but we don't know for sure that the wizards won't attack Hog's face. So, and I don't know if this is something you sort would need to help with.

Is there some way that you could try to quickly communicate with us if Hogs' face is in danger? Like set something on fire. No, no, no, no. No need to set anything on fire. Well, I was just saying it would be fun if, like, you set something on fire here. and then almost as far as it would be to possibly see, someone would see that, and they'd set something on fire. And then through a series of fires,

that message would eventually get to us. Seems needlessly complex. It also does seem, I mean, well, you were talking about the housing market earlier. If I set something on fire, this whole town's going to go up like Tinder. I mean, it's just going to go up in smoke. We don't want to be responsible for destroying this town two times. Not two times. Speaking of Tinder, you mentioned earlier that perhaps you were looking for some companionship.

Yes, we talked about the tops and the bottoms, and I'm up for other. I'm very versatile. So you're looking perhaps to have a partner to share some of your time with. Absolutely. There is not an equine. No. Or maybe an equine. Don't rule it out.

No? I'm going to rule it out. That's fine. I'm going to rule it out. You could still get a horse, though. Imagine how fun it would be to ride around on a horse. I would love, I would honestly love to have a horse to ride around on for transportation. I'm getting tired.

Okay. Those legs look like they were broken, but magically fixed, but not perfectly. Yeah. I mean, I'm still, you know, I have limits. Let's say, Arnie, Chunt and I, we're traveling along, Arnold, sorry, if we're traveling along and we're, we're meeting people. We interview people almost every week. Occasionally, it's just the three of us. if we met the right sort of person,

we could put them in your direction, but what are the attributes which would most fulfill your needs? Excite-line senses, yes. Fantastic question. Can I say, I've always wanted to have friends who've wanted to fix me up with someone? I'd love to fix you up.

That's good to know, yeah. Let me get out my list. Okay, number one, non-horse. Non-horse. I'll go ahead and say it. Non-animal. No offense, John. You're a catch, but can't do it.

No offense. Taken. Okay. Non-animal. Yeah. I'm going to say at this point, 85% chance it's a non-male individual.

That's fair. You know, it's kind of always changing, but I think the fact that I didn't say 90, yeah. It's close. It's close. Yeah. At this point, honestly, why does anybody want that?

I know that benefits me sometimes, but that's a crazy choice. It does seem like a crazy choice. 85% of a woman. No, no. I want a full... No, no, no. Of the people, I'd like percentage-wise, let's say you're going to introduce me to 100 people, which I hope you do. I would like 85% of the 100 to be women or non-male.

And now Chunt's writing 85 cent of a women and a hoo-ha. Is that exactly what you were writing? Tell us the truth. Well, women have hoo-hahs, so that's his favorite hole. Is that the one? Is that the one? I was going to ask. I'm not going to tell.

I'm just glad it came up organically, finally. When you, we introduced you to these hundred people. Would you like to meet them all at once and perhaps have them arranged upon a wall where you could shut down lights over them to get rid of the ones you don't like? Maybe three at a time. Three at a time. Here's my ideal. Okay.

A stranger, a scientist. three people to me. And one night a week, for three weeks, I go out with one of them. And then we all come back together. Hold on, just. Stranger, people, one night a week.

One night a week, three people. Stranger, three people. One night a week. For three weeks? Yes. So that's nine people. Wait, what? Okay, so you've got three people that you've gone out with. And I go out with one person, one week. Here's here's where I misled you. One person.

One week. One person? The second person, the second week. Third person, the third week. And then the stranger that made us all go out interviews all of us. We talk about how it went. Okay, I have an easier way to do this. Let me get out my board.

Okay. Would you like to date someone with a hat? Maybe. Okay, put those down. Okay. What about a glasses? Sure. Not a necessity.

Not a must have. Okay. Not a deal breaker either. Same with the hat. Put them all back up again. No animals, you said. That's a deal breaker for sure. Okay. I've narrowed it down. How? Huh? How have you narrowed it down?

Guess who ha. So, Gianessa, hypothetically, say we're on our way to Northeastia and we find someone that we think would be great for you. Yeah. Should we set something on fire to let you know? and have a system of fires that get back to you. Arnold. Yes, thank you. Was there fire in pizza hell?

Are you like trying to work through something? Because why do you want to keep setting things on fire? It just feels like it would be a great image. And it also seems like the kind of way you would communicate in this time period, like over long distances. Like a big fire. You mean the present? In the present. Yeah.

In this time period, the present. It is a gift. Are you, is there, has something happened with carrier pigeons? Has something happened with town criers? If something happened with simply messengers. Look, I'll give you this crystal ball that's attuned directly to me. And if there's a problem, you can just rub the crystal ball and you'll conjure an image of me and speak to me directly. That sounds hot.

I'm in. Let's do it. Don't you worry that there's too much magic? Don't you worry you're going to just be staring at your crystal ball all day? you're just going to be doom scrolling on that crystal ball. Why can't we get back to a time when we just lit giant fires to communicate with each other?

I guess. It's just, you know, the ball's a lot of fun and there's a lot of things you can do on there. And, you know, if you wanted to attune your ball to someone else, GNS, you could... I'm dying to. You could send them, you know, like a dirty message or something, you know, something, you know, sexy.

Just be sure, you know, to clear your... ball, clear the cash before you try to call me. How much cash does it take? Because you got to have six, seven, eight gold. You know, there's a little slot in the top. Okay. Even though it's a solid crystal ball,

somehow there's an ingress and egress. Wait, use it or are you saying that if someone got my crystal ball, they would be able to see all the things I've been scrying. Yeah. My whole scry history. Yeah. Sean, I can't believe you heard the phrase slot at the top and didn't jump on it. Oh, look what I

wrote down. There were so many things we said. Simply look at my pad of paper friend. Oh. He's been scribbling like a madman. Yeah. It looks like you have extra hands. Like, how could you scribble that much? It was going fast. Excuse me that some would say

extra hands. Oh. Sorry, I'm a dying man. I have a map to a million gold. Would you be so kind as to take this to my nephew? Uh, it sounds like a good deal. Arnold, what do you think? What would you do? Would you take it to my nephew?

Oh, brother. Fine, I'll do it. I'll take it to your nephew. What do I have to do first? Oh, he died. Oh. Yeah. I don't know who his nephew is, so I guess we're good. What in the world? He died so fast.

He did. We didn't even have time to try to help. Sometimes that's the best thing that can happen to people who come on this show, honestly. It's if they just die real fast. Just die. We don't have to really kind of deal with their whole thing. Some of the most popular guests die immediately. Yeah, for sure.

Why are those people over there kind of like staring at us so hard? Trump, do you notice this? Yeah, they're just really staring at us and kind of shaking their heads like, no, no, no. Is it because you didn't put that braided belt on, Arnold? Oh, that's right. My pants have been down this whole time. Put it on. I'm so sorry.

It's okay. You had a zip slip. I did. So why do you think they're staring at us, though? Yeah. Just because of the pants or is it another? Is it possible? This is one of those pranks with a purpose thing?

Do you think we're being set up with a moral dilemma? Should we have checked if that guy really died? Oh, he's kind of crawling away. He is crawling away. That doesn't seem like something a dead person usually does. Excuse me, sir. Yes. Are you dead?

Yes. Who's your nephew? Can't say I'm dead. Got me there. That checks out. I don't believe he's talking back. Sir? Yes.

You can't lie to me. I'm the mayor. Oh. Are you dead? No. What's your game, sir? I'm with pranks with a purpose. Can you ask this for me, Gina?

He maybe can lie to me. Can you ask him, like, what it was the purpose of the prank? Yeah, what was the purpose of that prank? To see what you would do. If someone just died in front of us? Yes. How do we do?

Bad. Bad? What's the right thing? Well, I'll tell you the wrong thing. Pull up your pants and put a belt on. Well, I don't know about that. What if somebody was going to come interview him? Exactly.

Yeah, that's fair. That he's going to have his big moment being interviewed by people with his hip slip and he's got no belt? Exactly. I don't think so. I was thinking about helping your nephew, but you died before you could tell us who he was. Yes, we didn't know Well, sorry, the prank was not Will you take this map

For a million gold to my nephew It was, what would you do If someone died in front of you? Oh, well You've got a misdirection It's confusing I guess talk about it We talked about it

We're still workshopping Oh, workshopping You have to understand We just got back from pizza hell Where we saw people Not me Eat a lot of pizza Right, that's rude.

If I may, that's rude. Because they just went through what can only be described is near trauma. Yeah. And I'm the mayor. We can't put, you can't do false death in front of the mayor. That's illegal. It's fraud. Is fraud.

Yeah, take this asshole to jail. GNS as the mayor, I know you're not sheriff anymore. Right. Do you deal with criminals or do you get other people to deal with criminals? Well, I can now. Oh, yeah. I never officially resigned. from sheriff.

Oh. So what you're saying, there's no actual sheriff right now? There's no sheriff. It's just me. Can I tell you the secret? I'm still doing it. Oh, you're still doing a lot of the stuff? You're doing it.

There's no hat. So you started with the hat part and then you're like maybe the rest. Yes. You know how it's a work in progress? You said you, it's a work in progress. It's so hard, you guys. Yeah, that's kind of where we're at too. That makes sense.

Yeah, I'm just at the call me Arnold stage of being an adult. I figured the rest will come. It doesn't. Can I be really honest? It's so hard. Look at him, scribble. Wait, because I said it's so hard? I thought it was going to calm.

Connie also said he was going to calm. Chant, I think that's gross. Do you say gross? No, I said growth. But now I'm worried that you... Either way. I thought for a second, did you develop a lisp in split seconds? That's growth.

No, I went through so much speech therapy. Oh, no. Yes. Were you the therapist? No, I wish I had been. No, I had to give all these speeches and I had a lateral lisp and I sometimes I have nightmares that it comes back. Oh. Well, you sound wonderful.

Thank you so much. Yes. And we're so glad that you've started on your journey, just as we've started on ours, yours to be somewhat less responsible and ours to be somewhat more responsible, that is. But, Arnie, what's the next step for us? Gianessa is going to give up some more jobs. She's going to put these pranksters into jail as the sheriff first. They're in big trouble.

What do we do now? Well, it's a good question, Yis Adore. I think, first of all, we have determined that although we don't know exactly how it's going to work, Hog's face is in good hands with Gianessa. We can safely leave Hogg's face. Perfectly manicured, gorgeous hands. which is important to women. All right.

Let me test my magic again. Let's go to break. Hey, does she get to do that? So, Gianessa is taking over Hog's face. And if I'm being honest, we neither helped nor hurt it while we were here for months and months anyway. This time. That's true. Yes.

And we know that there's danger elsewhere. For did we not hear that the northeast itself is under great threat of danger? So we're going to travel to the northeast. And look, I was not able to find any of our horses. I was not able to find Spider-Man, the upside-down Piss camel. I was not able to find grapes, the goat. I was not able to find Chode or, I don't know, any of the number of the horses. Wait, let me try this.

Come, Chode. Growth. No. No. But let's all go outside the tavern because I did find one of our most important vehicles. Do you even want me to come outside? Please. I would have to see this, GNS. Okay. Look at this. Across the road.

I found our tavern. I found our walking tavern. The Wanderlost. The Wanderlost. Truly living up to its name for it's been gone for so long now. Oh, it's so good to see you Wanderlost. G&S, have you ever seen anything so wonderful? A tavern atop on top of two. giant chicken legs. I have never in my life. What? This is the coolest.

I know. And now we can travel all over food, but still just have a regular tavern ambiance in most of the episodes. Oh, isn't that great? Because it's just such a mixed bag when you go places, when you travel. Yeah, just makes it easier on everyone. It's like you get to a certain age and you're like, maybe a cruise does make sense. Right. Like, I just want to go back to my room every day. I'm not there yet.

But we, Flower, Mo Mo and I went on a crew, it was kind of fun. Oh, that was good. I bet that was a lot of fun. Listeners should go to listen to our bonus episodes if they haven't heard that yet. Joy, the Patreon. Why not? Gianessa, not to just like spring this on you, but could you tell us like two or three things that you and Mo Mo Mo and Flower are planning for the future? Like fun things that you might do that are coming up? Oh, wow.

Okay. Well, here's, we have a list in no particular order. and one of them is we got, like, one of them is truly, am I allowed to say this? We want to go on a sex fest. The three of us want to get the fuck down.

We just want to party. You know what I mean? Sure. That doesn't have to be number one, but it's certainly top of mind for me. Number two, we want to start learning how to make scrapbooks. That's really fun. Right? Where we just picked little pieces of like

flora and fauna. And we put them We preserve it. It's really that be so adorable. The three of us talk about sitting down and collectively writing one poem together. Not as exciting as you might think. And then just, you know, a little quest. Go on a nice long quest. Oh, that sounds wonderful.

Guys, we never do anything like this. Why don't we write a poem together, the three of us, one word at a time? That's the one you want us to do? Yes. I always try to get us to go on a quest. I suppose it's hard to plan those sorts of things right now, though, GNSO with, you know, Momo dating this new hot dog and all. Yes. And honestly, Momo has a type.

But I will say... Mo has a size more than anything. Fallic food. Yeah. Yeah. It's that. Banana. Uh-huh.

Tall drink of water. Hot dog. Yep. And the thing is, it's like this is another reason why the sex fest is not necessarily number one. Right. But we never said partners couldn't be included. That's true. And also, if you think about it, every group of three people can be defined as the banana, the tall drink of water, and the hot dog.

Sure? Yeah. What should you? I can't. Okay. And it's like if you don't see a hot dog, look to your left, look to your right. Whatever that is. If you don't see a hot dog, look to your left, look to your right.

You might see it. You might, because you're probably the tall drink of water. Makes you think. It forces you to think. Well, this has been a real meeting of the minds, I feel like. And I think we, Hog's face is in good hands and the rest of Foon, the three of us, will take care of. We're going to save the Northeast. Can I just say, I love that you trust me.

Not that you have any reason not to. I'm a really chronic overworker. Yeah. And, you know, like really responsible. So there's no reason for me to not be trusted, but it does feel nice to hear it. Easily the most responsible person we've met in 10 years. Gianessa, we've known you for nearly a decade. Yes.

And I know that you can take care of everyone in the entire town except for yourself. That is the truth. I agree. Totally. Kit, you're going to jail. Hmm? Yes. You can't crawl away from this prison sentence.

I'm sorry. You are under arrest. Classic GNSA. Why did you crawl all the way out into the street with us? Hmm? Is this still a what would you do situation? I can't tell when it ended. It went from a what would you do to a why did you do that?

Right. Yeah. Oh, Gianessa, don't look. Here comes the hottest horse you've ever seen. Holy shit. I'd fuck the hell out of that horse. Oh, holy shit. Guys, is it okay to say this horse has legs like a thoroughbred?

Then it is decided. Gianessa will continue to take care of herself while she still manages to take care of the town. And we shall head out towards the northeast where we shall free the troubled Tom Blaine from his dithered state, hopefully churning him back to our side for goodness. And if not, we shall strike him down where he stands.

Oh, Wanderlost is walking away. Oh, oh, go back here. And we're going to save, yeah, we're going to save everyone. We're going to save everyone. We've got to go. Okay, all right, bye. Yeah, and Gianessa, when I get to the horizon, I'll tell someone to start a fire if they need to get a message from you.

No fires. Usador, get you crystal ball. Yeah, just call me the ball. Okay, I'll call you the ball. All right, talk to you soon. You get back here. Stop running with us. What are you doing?

I like to think that last What Are You Doing was meant for everyone still choosing to listen in. Usir or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rify. Gianessa was played by Sirley Improv Drifter Dana Quertioli. Check out Dana's funny podcast, Those Who Ant, co-hosted by Manic Pixie Nightmare Girl, Colleen Doyle, voice of Ahag in this fake world, wherever you get your podcasts.

And if that's not enough of Dana's brand of tobacco-stained velvety sass for you, catcher as the host of Suspectives, a noirish social deduction game as part of the Jackbox Party Pack 11. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the stuff. spin-offs in at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus, yet another episode of Podpires with Steve Waltine and Alex Eilhauer.

I'm a mentor to a lot of vampire. Vlad, can I ask you a question, actually? Yes, Vlad, yes. How do you feel about other vampires you have sired versus children you had before you were a vampire who are now vampires? Who do you feel closer to? Who do you feel is more your offspring? Are they both?

Do you consider them siblings? Do you say no? They're different. Also not to muddy the water, but you have a close personal relationship with the band, the offspring. Correct. From Earth?

Yes. Oh, yes. Who have traveled to food on a few occasions to be guests on potpires. Yes. So I have people that I've sired. I have biological children

and I have the offspring. And all these groups, You got to keep them separated. Yes. You know. You know. It's true. Absolutely.

You know where I was going. Oh, yes. There's... To hear the rest, you won't believe how similar it is to what you just heard. And learn more about supporting the show, including how to gift someone a Patreon subscription. Visit patreon.com.com slash magic tavern. Hello for the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young, Adel Ruffi, and plain close. Wait, no, close dropped out when Addle wouldn't stop borrowing her wigs. Just the first three. Post-production

coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBann. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.