Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 87 - Talking Crossbow Now (w/ Colton Dunn)

Episode Date: February 9, 2026

DeMonte the talking crossbow is back and starting a juice business. Also, Usidore is acting strange.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungDeMonte the Talking Crossbow: Colton DunnMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Now, for those of you in that portion of Earth that's freezing right now with no signs of change, I brought a bit of advice. Yes, you're trapped in a frozen hellscape, but there's no reason you can't josh it up. The other night, I was feeling down from all this cold weather, and then I thought, hey, framing device, make your own fun. So I raced outside, scrambled up a nearby fjord, caused a towering crystalline fortress to burst from the ground, And for the coup de grace, I crafted the most gorgeous flowing ballgown out of icy particles of water in the air.

I wasn't even going anywhere. Literally an ice dress just to wear around the house. Why not? So, you know, do that. And sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of foon. I'm your host, Arnold Neacamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Ten years and 11 months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional Rift,

and I use that to upload a podcast recorded in many different taverns around Hogs Face, but currently in the Wanderlost are tavern that has legs, you know, as they do sometimes, heading towards Nibble Bottom. And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Jump the Talking Badger. Bing, bong. Sorry, Arnie, I was just staring at the tavern's legs. Look at those getaway sticks. I know.

You kind of have to really stick your head out of this window to fully see those legs. But they're really moving. They go all the way up, if you know what I mean. All the way up. I never realized at night that the tavern. Tavern legs wore stockings. Where else would they go? Yeah, that's the fur point.

But I guess these ones go all the way up. I guess our legs go all the way up. Mine go all the way up to my assholes. But I guess that is the norm. And that's interesting because I think of my legs going all the way down to the ground. Yeah, I guess it's just how you feel about legs. Ernie, what about yours? I don't know.

They're there. I try not to check in with them too often. They work. I make sure they work. You know, sometimes they fall asleep a lot. I don't mind saying my circulation could be better. But speaking of legs, Chunt you mentioned, the Wanderlost is wearing night stockings. I guess I never spent enough time looking outside of the tavern.

Is it wearing other leg accessories or shoes at different times? I'm not sure, yeah. They look like silk stockings right now. Oh, sexy. Yeah, I'm sure there's times where maybe if it's out with another tavern and they're having a good time, it might be something else. But, yeah, I'm just noticing this too. Now, Arnie, I wanted to ask you, in the intro it sounded like you called yourself Arnold. Yes. You know, I recently had a birthday, and I've decided to start calling myself Arnold.

And, you know, look, as you get older, you stop forgetting things. You know, it's harder to remember things week to week. That said, I have been calling myself that for a few weeks now, and every time you ask me anew. So, honestly, I think you might be the one that's sundowning. Oh, that's fair. Finally, it's not me. Also, I wanted to ask, didn't you say that Silk Stockings was one of your favorite U.S. say television programs? Well, all I've got to say is, when I think of sell stockings,

I think about staying up all night. Okay. Only old perverts like me will know what I'm talking about. Hey, some of us young perverts might like something you're talking about. Sure. Oh, and I am also joined by my other co-host,

Usador the Wizard. I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesias, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great holes of Tauracus. The ill of Nubius, Alka the dwarves, no me is Zonanin' Hux-Tangis.

And I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmuinius Mastah, and I am a wily young, 350 years old, ready for all sorts of perversions you can't even imagine. Have you ever thought about going with a different mainline first name now that you're getting older, instead of Yusador being like your forward-facing name? Oh. I suppose I could be Zonanin, if you want to me to...

Do you guys want to try that on? What was that feel? I'm likely to forget that every week. Hey, Zoning. Hey, Big Zee. Zoh. Big Zoh. Big Zoh.

I like that. I mean, it is intimidating. Don't mess with the Zonan. Arnie, get that smug little smirk on your face again. Middle-aged perverts are loving that one. Arnie, you said Arnold, which makes me think, I don't know if you ever asked you, are there any famous Arnold's on Earth? Besides, present, company excluded, of course.

Well, let's see. Hmm. There are some famous Arne. of course there's Arnie Duncan, who I believe was in charge of agriculture. Whoa, so famous you have to stop and say, I believe. It's tried to sound smart, and I immediately messed it up. Well, there is the very famous Arnold Palmer, who is an inventor of a fancy drink that was half lemonade, half ice tea. I think he was also an athlete of some kind.

There is also, honestly, one of the biggest strong. men on earth, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is a... Oh. I guess a bodybuilder. Oh, guys, honestly, everything I'm going to say about this guy is going to sound crazy and made up. A bodybuilder, so, Arnie, similar to your Dr. Frankenstein. Yes.

Well, no. He built his own body. It's sort of if Dr. Frankenstein was both the doctor and the monster. So did he just start as a head or something? Like, how did he build his own body? I guess he was like a, hmm, how do I? described this. On Foon, you know how people are just like jacked, just

like crazy with muscles? Well, not all of them. There's some real 50-pound weaklings down on the beach, some real scrawny motherfuckers. I like to go down there and kick sand at them. Well, you know, he would, Arnold Schwarzenegger sort of like that, but then he became an actor and he would act like a guy

with a lot of muscles in movies. Wow, that's impressive. And then he became a governor. Oh. Okay, I think you're making this guy up. And now he just hangs out with goats, I think. You know, when we traveled back in time to the 1980s and visited you upon Earth when you are simply a 12-year-old boy or something, you told me your favorite Arnold was Arnold the pig from Green Acres. That's Arnold Ziffel, yes. Neckamp family... You knew his last name. I knew his last name. Well, Neckham Family lore is that maybe I'm named after Arnold Ziffel. It's very unclear. Wait, how have we buried the lead on this for almost 11 years, that you were named after a pig? I'm not. I truly, all my life, have never been able to get a straight answer as to why I was named Arnold on my birth certificate, but always called Arnie.

My parents would never give me a straight answer. Occasionally they would say after the pig from Green Acres, but they would say it in that, my dad would say it in that dad way where you weren't sure if it was a joke or if it's real, but he would never give me any kind of other answer. Interesting. Very interesting. And you said your dad would always say to your mom, you are my wife? Look, chunt. You can establish any detail about me, but please do not dismerch my father, Ron Neacamp. Oh, Arny. Usador.

I mean, Big Zo. Oh, yes, that's me. It looks like someone's walking towards us. I can't. The shadows are kind of casting off the walls. Hey, guys. Just to meet that crossbow you used to, you ran into a while a long time ago. It's me.

Oh, DeMonte, the talking crossbow. Yeah. DeMonte, hey. What is going on? What the heck are you guys doing here? Well, we're just traveling on our way to Nibble Bottom. It's so good to see you. Wild.

That's where I'm going. Oh, you're going to Nibble Bottom. Oh, that's so great. Yeah, man, I got to get to Nibble Bottom. There's some people there I need to talk to. Oh, okay. What sort of business do you have with these people? They got some land that I'm interested in.

Oh. You've become a land veteran since last we've seen me? Well, I'm trying to, I'm trying to, I'm trying to start a juice company. Oh, interesting. And, you know, I had this idea, you know, people go from town to town, and every different town's got their own juice, and they get out of a bucket or whatever. And I was like, and my thing was like, what if I made a, put a little bit of juice inside of something and how? had a bunch of like little things that I could put the juice in. Oh.

And just have those available all around. I could be selling juice in multiple towns. Sort of like a tiny juice square. Huh? Like a tiny juice square that you could give to small children. Why a square? I mean, I don't know what the packaging is going to be if it's going to be in the shape of a square. But it would still be juice.

It wouldn't retain its shape once it left the packaging. Ah, I see. Yeah. Well, I just thought you were trying to get out of the bucket. game. Oh, I mean, definitely that. I mean, who is not, right? These days, all these fucking wizards. Have you said, oh, finishing the prices

on, on buckets lately? Crazy. I will say, the wizards have done so many evil things, but they've had a lot of economic things they've tried to do that has made the price of buckets skyrocket. It's ridiculous. You're ridiculous.

Buckets used to be so cheap. I will say probably the main culprit is Bucket who's an amazing wizard, but he wears a bucket as a hat, so no one kind of knows. Some people are like, maybe I know who that is, but it's kind of a mystery, and I feel like a lot of people don't want to be associated with buckets now. It's true. Yeah, it's kind of like a bad, yeah.

And it used to be that, honestly, like, most things came in buckets. Like, buckets are the main thing. Ahuga, ah, Oga, take a look at those legs over there. What that? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, blah, blah, upa.

Please, please, DeMonte. Put your eyes back in your trigger? Yeah, put your safety back on, buddy. Restrain your bow, buddy. Yeah, yeah, I got to get tight, get tight. I must say you're looking, you're looking well. You look much better than the last time we saw you. Last time you guys saw me, I had gotten all kinds of messed up.

Yeah, you were part crossbow, part guy, in all the wrong places. I thought for sure I was about to turn back into a full-on guy, right? Like, that seemed to be the direction it was going. And, you know, but then, yeah, I just wanted, I just didn't happen. Ended up just being a crossbow. Just turn right, yeah. Just turn right back. Did you kiss a witch or something?

No, nothing. Did you kiss a crossbow? A week after I saw you guys, like one week after I saw you, I wake up and I'm like getting up. I'm going about my day. I made it like three hours before I like was walking past the mirror of my house. And I like caught a glance of myself, you know, in the corner. Sure.

Of your eye, the peripheral vision. Yeah. And then I look over and I go, yo, where are all the human parts of my body of going away? Oh, that's so sad. Just just, just, just spontaneous. Oh, yeah, yeah. It seemed spontaneous, you know? Huh. It's what it is.

I was, you know, I was a crossbow before. I thought I was good. Hey, it would have been fun, but I'm over it, guys. I'm on this juice thing now. I don't need to worry about any of that other stuff. That's so positive. I don't want to dwell on it. But I want to say when you woke up and discovered that you were full crossbow again,

did you like check your bed to see if any of the part, like where the parts went? That would have been, that would have probably been a great thing to do. but I was already a little late for work, so I had to get hustling and get out the door. I mean, nothing was there when I went back that night. I didn't find anything. Yeah, I don't, look, man, I don't know. That's all I can say.

I think it's wild. It's totally normal. Hey, man, sometimes shit just happens, man. Yeah, it's totally normal to realize that you're not what you thought you were and immediately divert all your time, attention, and energy and money into a new company, a new endeavor. Some of my friends' money. Some of my friends and family members' money as well. There was one time, about 100 years ago, I was on a quest with a traveling party, and our thief, you know, we had kind of the classic makeup. You know, wizard, fighter, thief.

How did you have a thief in your party? To sneak into places, unlock locks. They're very useful on a party. adventuring partiani. Have you thought about becoming a thief? How often would he steal things from you? Every fucking day. Yeah. Every fucking day, I'd be like, where's my spoon?

It wouldn't even be good stuff. He'd just take my fucking spoon. And then I'm sitting there with a bowl of soup like an idiot. Anyway, one day, the fighter on our, the classic fighter, just went up in flames, just spontaneously combust it, burned up to a crisp. Oh. We were like, did he kiss a witch? Did he kiss a crossbow? What happened there? And, uh, never figured it out.

Went about our business, got our asses handed to us, never got the gems out of that cave. Whoa. And why this story? Oh, we were just saying things that happened spontaneously sometimes that you can't do anything about. I was dragging it, man. I was dragging it. I get you, man. That's what I'm saying, you know?

Yeah. Sometimes just shit happens. Whether it's, sometimes it's a fighter, sometimes it's a, you know, you go to sleep, you wake up and you're a crossbow again. I will say, conversationally, we're at the perfect point where we could tell any. story. And it would fit us talking about how sometimes random shit just happened. Yeah, I mean, I just

wanted to make Demonte not feel like this is something unusual that happened. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, exactly. Sometimes crazy things happen. And then as soon as we failed in our mission to get those gems, we all decided to go into the

creatine business. That also failed. The supplement? Yeah, the supplement. Oh, is that the one that comes in buckets? Not anymore. Buckets. Unbelievable, man. Buckethead, unbelievable. I hate these buckets.

I hate these fucking buckets. DeMonte, what do you have any plans to name your juice company? Anything specific? I haven't figured that out yet. That's kind of what I'm doing here. I'm sort of kind of walking through all the towns that I'm going to be selling the juice in and trying to just sort of vibe out, you know, pick up the end. of the area, you know,

and see if something comes to me. Smart. I like that. I saw this great little tavern you guys got here. I figured I'd pop in and catch up. And we can help you get to your final destination. It's a perfect storm of circumstances. I, you know, I'm inspired by the fact that as a crossbow, you have the capability to fire a bolt, steal bolt directly into an enemy or a wall.

What if you called it, bolt of juice? A bolt of juice. Oh, oh, wow. Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's exciting. That's a good one. Bolt of juice. Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Yeah. I mean, I'm just brainstorming here. I'm just coming up with ideas. No, I love it. Honestly, I had not even thought of anything that would be connected to me as a crossbow, as a name of my juice company. So that's, but personalizing, I mean, hey, look, you know, it works. You humanize it, you know.

You're so charming. And you should be the face of this brand for sure. Oh, that's very flattering. Yeah, I guess it's a fair point. Just because you're a crossbow doesn't mean everything has to be crossbow related. That said, have you thought about just healthy living things? Your whole platform is called like CrossFit. Hmm.

Then it's more of a lifestyle thing than just the juice. Yeah. I think that sounds kind of cool. See people get together a couple times. a week, hang out, try to lift stuff up, yell, maybe get together every, you know,

a couple months or moon cycles and brace each other. Sure. Man, I don't know, I don't know, man. I mean, I wouldn't want to do it, but it sounds like a catchy name. Yeah, we're sort of treading on your, this is your thing.

We're not trying to take it over. Oh, yeah, no worries. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. What, what's going on? with you guys. I mean, you know, it seems like you gotta get to the town, but why?

Oh, well, we are trying to amass a group of heroes willing to help us finally take on those wizards in Bucket Hat so that we can ensure that prices come down and the evil ways of the wizards who are warring amongst themselves will come to an end. I'm the only one who isn't

participating. I've just been hanging out with these guys. Oh, well, so you're... Wait, this is the mission, but not your mission. Oh, no, no, I'm just saying I'm not one of the wizards. I'm not like these other wizards. Oh, yeah. I'm not trying to do this to like push my own thing, my own agenda. You're a wizard?

Yes, I've always been a wizard. Really? Yeah, the big blue hat. Back when I met you before, you were a wizard? Big pointy hat, big long gray beard. You're not a wizard. No, I've always been a wizard. What do you think I was?

Do a wizard. Are you sure you didn't just wake up one day and look in the mirror and you're like, oh shit, I'm a wizard now? No, no, no. I know, no, no, I, no. Anybody, anybody could buy that hat, dude. Let's be real.

Anybody could buy that hat. I tell you this now. I swear by the goddesses that I did walk upon this world fully formed as you see me now, for they demanded that there be a champion for goodness and righteousness, and the birds and the rain and the wind and the fire.

They speak, and thus Yusadol was born into this world. Sure, buddy, sure. Oh, come on. What do you, fuck. No, let's take it. Hey, let's take a break and maybe you can conjure up a spell or something to prove, to prove. Oh, yeah, I'll prove that you're a wizard. To prove I'm a wizard after all this time.

We'll be a bit back. You know, it's funny you should mention it about the hats. I was going to save this for later, but I actually bought a couple copies of Usador's hat, and I thought, you know, just a fun fashion thing to do. So, like, I have one for me. I have one for you, Chunt. And DeMonte, I think this little one would fit you as well. Oh, you got to pull.

put that on me, a crossbow with a hat. Look at me. You think that makes you a wizard? I dare you to conjure anything. Al-A-Zam, Al-a-Zoo. Shit, that worked. Whoa. A tiny little zoo.

There's a tiny little zoo. It's a bunch of animals. Wow. Oh, that's even impressive for a lot. Wow. I don't have to take care of the zoo. Oh, no. This is a huge responsibility.

Yeah, you really should. should take care of them. I mean, they're going to need food. They're going to need some sort of hay to lay down in water. Training, of course. Alica zoo, alica drought. Oh, dry to ride it right up. That's a slow way to kill that zoo. I mean, you're a crossbow, man. There's a much more humane way you can kill these animals. Let's go sit over here. They all turned to dust, we assume, in six to seven months. But yeah, DeMontag's got a good idea. Let's move to another side of the tavern. Oh, yeah, let's just come over here for a second. Waving a saddye.

Humber, hubba, hubba, hama, hava. A la la la. Me, me, me, likey. What, me, me, Cici. D'amante, how was your love life going these days? Oh, well, not so great. I've been so focused on this big idea of mine. I haven't had any time to connect with anybody.

And, you know, to be honest, it just would be unfair for me to try. I'm really married to this goal. Oh, sure. Now, I did have a clarifying question about the whole juice thing. Yeah. Is it any kind of juice? Are you focusing on, like, orange juice, apple juice? Yeah, I'm going to, oh, I'm going to hit the big, you know, the big ones, you know, orange apple.

But I got a couple of my own little, you know. Oh. I got some surprises out there, you know. Okay. Ham. Ham. Ham. Okay.

Ham juice. Okay. Ham juice. All right. You don't normally juice a ham, but I suppose... Nah, you don't. I suppose if you press apples to get juice out of them, you could press a ham just as easily. I hope off the bone.

Huh? I hope the juice is off the bone. Oh. I just know, you know, if you go into a diner and food, you can get ham on the bone, but I hope this juice is off the bone. I assume... I'll be sourcing all my juice from on the bone ham. Hmm. Bone juice. I think bone juice might

that might be something. Keep that in the backbone juice. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Bone juice. No, I don't like the direction this is going. Right. Do not try to saw me bone juice. Fool me once. This taverns about a

some bone juice if you know what I'm saying. Clearly, Domante is a leg guy. Oh, man. Well, yeah. You know, but here, the thing is, guys, I sure would love. to meet a lady if you know any of any. Oh, of course, Damante, this is tough to ask.

Are you mostly into, like, crossbows, or do you like... Just other crossbows? Yeah, I don't know if that's, like, if you find crossbows attractive or you... I date anything in every buddy, you know. That's good. Okay. Have you ever considered dating a tavern? I mean, I guess I don't know for certain, but I've never...

seen this tavern on a date with someone. Yeah, I just don't know if it will work out, you know. I mean, I'm definitely attracted to the tavern. Don't get me wrong. It's an attractive tavern, but I don't know. It's always on the move. It's got to serve a bunch of other people. You know, when does the tavern ever have time for me?

Yeah. It's a tough schedule. Yeah. That people eating, drinking, and sleeping inside of you. Yeah, and constantly moving. Constantly on the move. Well, what are you looking for? You're looking for someone who can compliment your best features

or someone who has similar interests or are you looking for sort of a ying yang kind of thing? I'm looking for like a little female mouse and a polka dot dress. Okay. Okay. Very specific. Very helpful.

I like how you went from, I don't know, man. I'll date anything to the little mouse in this exact outfit. Well, hey, you asked me. I got specific. Well, that's great. But I'm open, I'm open. We do know a little mouse. Last I checked, though, she was dating a hot dog.

Oh. So I'm sorry about that. If that situation changes, I'll let you know. Yeah, let me know. I mean, maybe somebody will just eat that hot dog and problem solved. Between you and me, she tends to date things that can very easily rot or be eaten. Yeah. Oh.

Wow. Weird. Yeah. It's strange. But that's our momo. Anyway. Were you going to prove that you're a wizard or not? I mean, we'd be like,

waiting for you to do a spell or something. I don't feel like I need to prove myself after all this time, but I can. I did. I produced and destroyed a tiny zoo. All right. We produced a tiny zoo. Let me look around here. Let me see.

Oh, I know. I can cast this spell. Uh, uh, Ithel carl. Isokalotura Rootan tach tharach Roth to charlacacacacac. Athantirak

Othokal, I hate this. Whoa, my meat got five degrees hotter. Yeah, you just... I've warmed up all your drinks. Yeah, you produced laryngitis. Oh, yeah.

And it seems like we all have laryngitis. Oh, no. Oh, both of you produced little horses. That's right. My little horse is in your throats, though. All right. Well played, wizard, well played. You won this round, you, Cedor.

Oh, throat horse. Is that something? Well, I don't feel any further need to prove myself to anyone. So remove those hats. No. What? You don't get a demand that we take these hats on. Yeah, I don't remember that part of that deal.

You're just going to sit here and let people think you're a wizard all day? Yeah, your culture is our costume. Oh, boy. Yeah, what's wrong with that? Oh, boy. What's wrong with that? Okay, let's see if I can try and make a spell to wear wizards drink half off tonight. Anything happen?

I don't know. I guess we've got to order some drinks to find out. Yeah. I mean, also, technically, I own the bar, so. Oh, yeah. So you did it. So, whew! That doesn't count.

That doesn't count. I don't know. Magic can be subtle, right? Yeah. I suppose you could have been influenced. Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh, a little mouse in a polka dot dress.

Oh, whoa. Well, hello. Excuse me. I can't find my family, and I was hoping you wizards could help me. Okay. How old is this mouse? I guess I should have let the mouse introduce itself. Oh my, yeah.

You can't find your whole family? I'm on a family vacation with my adult siblings and my parents. Okay, so your siblings are adults. Are you also? I'm at a consenting age. Which is 22. Perfect, just a perfect. Wheelhouse.

I mean, the. Good news is, not weird, bad news is, goes on vacations with his adult siblings? I mean, you've got to assume that it's a family. It's a recurring yearly thing. Honestly, I wanted to stay home this year and just work on my interior design business. Yeah, I want to hear more about that. Well, let's see if we can help you find your family. Can you cast this?

You want to cast a spell? Yeah, cast the spell to find the family. If you're a wizard, go ahead. Cast a spell, find the mouse's family. I dare you. I mean, is that how spells work? I don't know. Yeah, it's a tracking spell.

Yeah, certainly. Okay, well, all right, so here's what we got, lady. My man, Ustador here said he'll do a tracking spell if you want him to do that. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, wait, hold on. I, excuse me, I'm Arnold. I can do a spell. See, I'm going to wag my finger, my magic wizard finger, and we're all going to follow it, and it's going to take you to your family.

Oh, everyone follow me. Oh, it's taking us to the kitchen. Oh. Wow. All right. It's incredible. Thank you, Mr. Wizard. Yeah, they're probably in here somewhere.

There they are. Wow. Hey, Ben. Why are you cockpuck in these? Oh, shit. Thank you for having me. I wasn't ever, I wasn't ever planning on something. Oh, shit.

Oh, Tamante. Oh, she was right. You hear the girl of my dreams. Arnie, it looks like the little mouse is tugging on your pants to give you a kiss as a reward. What? Can't give you a little kiss, Mr. Wizard? No, thank you. Tonight.

Today, I'm of consenting age, so I do whatever I want. I've gotten so many mouse kisses run of the show. Well, goodbye. I have to. Where me and my family are late to get naked to the water park. Bye. Did you say get naked to the water park? I don't know why you'd have to do that.

be naked at a water park. They all just ran in the bathroom. Oh, my God, man. Hey, man. That was messed up what you just did back there. Well, Arnie, that was fucked. Right in my face, dude. I'm so sorry to Monta.

And you knew. I told you. I know, you're right. I'm a bad friend. Okay. What's your... I'll help you out. What is your second most attractive thing?

Oh, no. Oh, no. So we can get them here and you can make out with it again right in front of me. Arty, here's how it works. You think I'm some kind of fool? You tell us what your type is. Yeah. And then we're going to have Demonte. Yeah.

Yeah. So, Arnie, what's your type? Hmm. Well, a wheel. A wheel, like a wheel from a wagon. Like a wheel from a wagon with big tits. I don't know. It's very.

specific and I've never heard you say anything like that be cool be cool someone's rolling over oh wow yowsers hello boys oh wow to them hello ma'am what are the yachts oh sorry I'm rolling all over the place oh pardon my tits

oh man you're excused PMT if you will pardon my tits All right. That's my favorite NPR show. Oh, you know of NPR? Oh, what is NPR and Finn?

No princes are real. I love that station. Yes. I listen to it all the time with my adopted children. Oh. And I take care of back at home. Oh, my gosh. I'm glad you take care of children because people who don't take care of things are awful in my book.

For I just rolled past a tiny little zoo that seemed to be going thirsty. Unbelievable. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go put some water in that zoo right now. Thank you. That would mean the... My hero, would you bend down so I could kiss you? Uh, yeah. My mouth is over here. Oh, hey, Arnie.

Look me in the eyes. I'm so jealous. Oh, oh. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh! I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. We forgot you're across, though. I'm so sorry. No, it just, it's, I'm made of wooded. It just went on one of my spokes. Oh, that was a close one. I'm so sorry. Oh, good.

It's fine. You're good? Okay. Oh, yeah. Honest mistake, no worries. Thank you. Now, where were we? Oh, oh, yeah.

Thanks. It's, you know, actually, I realize that I'm married. I'm sorry. Huh. Oh, okay. Yeah. Um, I'm sorry. Yeah.

Uh, uh, bye, boys. Huh. She didn't seem too upset by that. Yeah. What do you think of that, Arnold? Well, you know what? We're totally even now. Oh, I'm mad and I'm disappointed, but we're even.

Okay. Well, well, well, someone thought I wasn't a wizard. Who do you think just conjured a family of mice and a wagon wheel with big tiddies? Wait, you did that? I did all. That was all me, baby. That was all me. You think that, you think a wagon? We already believed you.

Yes, but I was tired of being mocked in question. So I went out of my way to make your greatest fantasies come to life. You got so mad at us that you decided to fulfill our sexual fantasies. Well, and knowing that, uh, that you couldn't resist, uh, undermining one of us. another. I left you to fly in the wind like a bunch of imbeciles. And what did you get out of it?

I got a... What? Is that your kink? Oh, perfect. Now that I think about it, the wagon wheel was blue. The little mouse was blue, or whole family was blue. The petting, oh, the little petting zoo was blue. Wait a second.

Did I now make that petting zoo? I also conjured the petting zoo to make think you are a wizard. And then I killed everyone in the zoo to make you still think you are a wizard. Oh, dude. I'm feeling particularly petty today. You are wild, man.

You are wild. Well, you definitely are women. You sort of have you began turning to evil like all the other wizards? As we grow closer to where the other wizards have set up their encampments, why their influence must be causing me to do these terrible things.

Is that a chain going from your wallet to your... Help all cool? Yes, of course. I want to be able to find my... You didn't have that earlier. I want to... It's easy to find your wallet this way.

That's worse than we thought. Maybe as you get closer. I don't think so at all. But I do have a new idea I want to tell you all about. I think that you should all each buy a plot of land where you can be buried in the future.

But this plot of land isn't like the normal plots of land that you normally buy in a cemetery. No, these are created by building blocks up in chains. And that way, I call it crypto, and you can be buried here in this crypto. What do you guys

think you want to buy into my crypto? I think he's becoming more of a dick. He's got a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his robe. Is that a fidget spinner? Oh, yes. Well, of course. I have to keep myself on my pipe. Let's take a break. we think of a way to protect me from the influence of those evil wizards.

He's trying to make this about him all of a sudden. Anybody want to bone juice? Bone juice? Bone juice? It's just not working, man. It's not. Yeah. Fear not. I have fashioned this hat out of very thin metal, and they've fixed it around mine head.

I, and it is made entirely of aluminum to protect me from those wizards and their evil forces. Okay, well, that should do the trick. I hope so. I do hope so. But have you seen my new cart? It's got all sorts of weird angles on it. It's a big cart with crazy angles everywhere. Oh, no, you got one of those... Did you get one of those fancy carts?

Oh, no, man. You shouldn't have gotten that. That costs a lot of money, man. Oh, but look at how futuristic it is. Dude, what future? Man. Hold on a second, though. Your story about crypto has given me an idea.

Buried Fields. Okay. Berry Fields. Who doesn't want juice from Barry Fields? Oh. I want it. I think that might be the name of my juice company. That's a pretty good name.

It's a good name. That's a great name. Barry Fields. I'm going to put that down on my little book. Yeah. You know when you said, buried fields. The first thing I thought was, since you can't use

buckets anymore, what if you just filled coffins with juice? Yeah. Yeah. And I could have, yeah, I could have a bunch of coffins set up in every town and people would just know they could go there and get juice out of the coffin.

But bone juice was dumb. Okay. Yeah. I couldn't have been the only person that thought that when I heard buried fields, right? Buried fields. How is Barry spelled? I guess it could be either way.

Bury Fields. Yeah. I think it would be like you want people to think you're talking about people who are buried. Yes. But we're actually like, no, man, these fields have so many berries. Mm-hmm. The fields are buried. Yeah.

Buried in berries. Buried in berries. And ham. And ham. All berries. And ham. DeMonte, how much money did you get from your friends and family? for all of this?

How much? Yeah. In total? Yeah, you said you had a lot of investment from friends and family. Yeah. Like $15 million. $15 million. $15 million.

$15 million gold? Mm-hmm. That's a lot of gold. Well, my mom had won the lottery. Oh. And it was great because, you know, we had some other family members who were dealing with some health issues. But I said, look, you get. give me the money, we get this juice thing off the ground, we'll be able to help out everybody

with their health issues. That's fantastic. That was, you know, what, a year, year so ago. So those other relatives, unfortunately, they have not made it. Oh, that's, but luckily you invested all these coffins. Well, not yet. I mean, you just gave me that great idea. I'm going to have to drum up some new investors for the coffin.

Well, I mean, it's really a way to stick it to the whole bucket industries. We don't even need you. We have coffins now. I love that idea. I love that idea. It's revolutionary without being revolutionary. And it'll sell us some juice. You know what I like about it. I like that it's disruptive. Everything should be disruptive.

Everything needs to be disrupted. No, here you sort of take my hat to. You might need extra hats to stop these bad ideas from coming. Okay. If you insist. I still feel like the bad ideas are coming in. I might need a couple more hats. Oh, man, I just got this one.

All right. You can take our hats. Well, I feel like all the bad ideas are gone, and now I'm the only one wearing a hat. DeMonte, have you considered if you have all this millions in gold? I mean, obviously, you should definitely do this buried fields thing with the juice. But would you also be interested in investing in the future of food? I spent most of the money already.

Oh. Oh. What did you spend it on? Oh, man, well, you know, just startup, basic startup costs. Uh-huh. You know, and they're just, everybody, you know, that's the, you know, that's crazy. And then I had a guy draw some pictures of, like, what the fields would look like. Okay.

Stuff like that. Oh, some papers fell out of your. Oh, those are the pictures. What do arrows go into? What's that thing called? My quiver? Yeah, your quiver. Oh.

Oh, my. Oh, my God, this is... Look, that's the most realistic mouse drawing I've ever seen. Oh, yeah, I actually did spend a lot of the money having the same guy who drew the pictures of the field. I had to draw a number of pictures of the mouse that I had to have loved. Huh. Okay. I don't know why I'm sticking on the part.

Like, how much did you pay someone to draw a field? Like, how much did you pay someone to just draw a field? I mean, there was only about, I'd say, 100,000 gold just for the field. Is this piece of paper here? Is this the drawing of the field? Because this is just like a line, like, near the top of a piece of paper. Is this the field drawing? Mm-hmm.

Yep. Huh. I mean, that's pretty much what it is, if you were looking at it for. I mean, it is a feel. We gotta get into the drawing game. We gotta. Everyone knows that artists make the most money, so... Look, Demonte, I don't want to criticize,

but I'm a little concerned about this upcoming land deal that you're negotiating with the people in Nibblebottom. Yeah. If you don't have any resources to purchase the land. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I got a little bit for that. Oh, okay. I've got allocated, you know, for...

that. And I've got some boots on the ground up there already, you know, wetting the wheels a little bit, as they say. Okay. And I'm also planning on squatting on a couple pieces of property and, you know, just sort of staying there until the people who own it gets so frustrated they leave. They just give up. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, boys, that someone say wetting the wheels? No, no one said. Hello. Hello, hello. Hello. Oh.

Iser, did you do that one? Is that still her? It's just the kind of the, yeah, it's just, it's gonna, it'll dissipate in a couple hours, you know, if anyone needs. Can we all agree to stop making things that will slowly die in the next couple hours? Yeah, it seems like, she seemed pretty conscious, is it, are they aware that they're going to dissipate? Yeah, I mean, that's, I think that's why she's really going for it, you know? I think she knows she only has a couple hours to like really like

Oh she is look she's riding that mechanical bull She can't stay on that thing It's difficult very difficult It's a wheel With large whizoms Those tits Those tits are going everywhere She's still kind of rolling on the bowl

So they're bouncing down and up and side to walk away And for the listeners at home We didn't mention this but those things are not symmetrical in any way shape. No, no. Anyway, I just want to be sure, DeMonte, if you're concerned at all and you're looking for angel investors,

I'm always looking to part with my gold. Oh, well, yeah, no, that would definitely be great. I would definitely, whatever you would like to, you know, put into it. You know, obviously working title, you know, buried fields, but I think, like I said, I'm still open to a lot of ideas, but I really think this is going to be big. I would love to just invest a thousand gold. How then would I be bought into the business, a silent partner?

What do I get in return? Yeah, well, you know, like I said, there's about a million in already on the business. So, you know, a thousand. Okay, 10,000. Okay, 10,000? Great. So like what, you're talking about, like, what kind of access are you going to have? That's right.

Yeah, great. Well, I have a kind of a tier setting to it. Oh, you know, so basically, you know, the different type that you decide to kick in to help me start this, you know, business, a different tier. So, like, the first tier, you're going to get a personalized letter from me thanking you for your contribution. You know, Tier 2, you're going to get, you know, sort of monthly pictures that were, like, send pictures out of, like, you know, what's going on with the juice and what's the juice gang doing and what, you know, what are the juice guys up to? Let's not run past juice guys and the juice gang is also a pretty good name. That is pretty good. Oh, yeah, that's my marketing team.

You know, so I've got them in place, like I said, on foot already in these towns. Wow. But then we've got tier three. Now, this is 50,000 gold. This is... Okay. But in tier three, you're going to get a... You know, and it's something that I've just kind of developed.

But it's basically like a small circular frisbee, the back of a better word, that actually has information burned into it. Oh. And you use a small light stick to get the information on. Wow. On that are a little, like, short animated pictures of fruits. Whoa.

I'm in. I want to CDs. Wait, CDs. That's it. We'll call them DVDs. Yeah. DeMonte, if I'm being honest, you probably didn't need to explain any of that. You sort of usually just gets all his money away.

Oh, okay. I just found 50,000 gold when I was going through a nearby dungeon. It's all the money I have. but I'll gladly give it to you right now. Here's a little trunk filled with all the goals. Great. This is perfect. Oh, what a relief.

I'll go ahead and toss in, sign me up for $8 million. What? Eight million? Whoa, okay. I didn't want to tell you guys, but my mom also won the lottery. What? Wow. I feel like a lot of people I know their moms have won the lottery, so let's just, you know, let's just pass.

It's all going to come back to me threefold, right? Hey, that'll get me eight buckets. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, buckets. You know what I'm saying? Oh, it's a nightmare. Demonte, Yusinor, Chunt, do you mind if I read an email from a listener? Oh, that'd be great, man.

I think that's awesome. Yeah, sure, go ahead. Let's see here. A listener emailed us. You can always email us at Magic Tavern at Buppies. That supplies. Is it a real email address? Yes.

Chunt didn't say yes. Demonte and I agree. No, I'm sorry. And also, Yucidore, it's Arnold. Arnold, so sorry. Thank you, Yusador. Arnie, it's Arnold. I vote present.

Okay. That's good enough, I think. You can always email us at Magic Tavern at Puppies. That Supplies. It's a real email address. Or you can join our Patreon, which as of now doesn't have tears. But still, you could join our Patreon at patreon.com slash Magic Tavern and also message us there. Here's the message.

Hello, all, including potential guests. So that's for you, DeMonte. Oh, okay. It is my obligation to inform you that I am coming. I have my shirt and I am willing to throw myself in front of a fireball or any such spell for the goddesses. DeMonte, basically we're working on a plan to try to move people from Earth to Foon. We don't know exactly how we're going to do that yet, but we're encouraging people to buy T-shirts that say, I'm moving to Foon. That's sort of part of it, basically.

Okay. He goes on to write. I have a feeling that most of your recruits will be coming from the United States. United States because of their proximity to the portal, but I volunteer to lead the British contingent once we are there. Please use the attached image as my CV. Don't die, Andy. Let me turn my computer screen. What the fuck, Arnie? That's a lot of tabs open with mouses. Mises, Mises. You got to put a dress on those mice. God, I put a dress on those mice. Okay, I'm sorry, sorry, yeah, yeah, let me close those. Okay. I'm moving to food. He's got to

one of those shirts. Yeah, this is a jacked. Dude, we... He's kind of doing like a muscle pose, but his thumbs are... It's hard to tell if his thumbs are pointing at himself or you're supposed to grab onto them. I think he's about to use them as weapons. Those are the longest thumbs I've ever seen. They are long thumbs.

So that could be useful in the fight against the Wizards. Johnny Long Thumbs or whatever your name was. Welcome aboard. Also, Andy's facial expression... Andy. Look, Andy, you're great. We like you. Thank you for buying the shirt.

Your facial expression, I'm not sure what you're trying to convey. It sort of looks like maybe you're pooping standing on. And folks, buy a shirt, send us a picture, and we'll roast your ass. It's true. There's a link in the show notes to our dashry store to get the moving to Foon shirt. Look, we cannot promise that means you'll be one of the first people that gets to move to Foon, but it couldn't hurt. Andrew, we thank thee for purchasing this garment. And for preparing the British invasion of food.

Andy, I hope when you get to food, you help yourself to some tasty ham juice right out of a coffin. Oh, yeah. It's from good friends at Buried Fields. It sounds so good. I'm getting so thirsty. Used to drink you juice out of a coffin just by this conversation tonight. Now I'm thirsty for juice out of a coffin.

Yeah, that's all I want now. It sells itself. I think my idea of small squares was pretty stupid now that I think about it, when we could have had a coffin the whole time. Yeah. If you just had a little square that you could just stick a straw in.

You're talking about boxes? Yeah. You're talking about boxes. All this time, I thought you were suggesting it would come in like a two-dimensional object. Why didn't you just say boxes? You're talking about like a, some kind of juice box? I'm talking about juice square.

If you want to call it a box, I suppose, that's less specific. You lick the juice off the square? No. No one thinks it's two-dimensional but you. So you're talking about a juice cube. I'm talking. Oh, that's something.

You're talking about a juice cube. I am talking about a juice cube. You're right. I misspoke. Cuse cube. You know that's how Andy's going to say it. Can I have a juice cube? He's friends.

Man. How dare you write into us? Yeah, this is coming from three guys who are unroostable. Talking about us three hosts. Of course, the guest is, but you could always roast a crossbow. He'll jam his giant finger in the back of your head and go, Excuse me! You know, I have a chest.

Andy, you're the best. We love you. Andy, it's not too late to steer clear and save yourself from a toxic relationship cycle. Usadul the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adder Raffai. Domante, the magical talking crossbow, was brought to life by special guest Colton Dunn. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs,

and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, including how to gift someone a Patreon subscription and really teach them a lesson, visit patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neckham, Matt Young, and Adder Rify. Post-production Coordination by Garrett Schulz,

Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited. by Anna Hoverman. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.