Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 88 - Ancient Thriving Turtle (w/ Olivia Nielsen)

Episode Date: February 16, 2026

Hildy the ancient turtle is back and she's mad at her children for putting her in an Assisted Thriving Community.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungHildy Shiblin: Olivia NielsenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello downtown Pittsburgh. No, wait, what was the note I was given? Oh yes, make it more general. People of Earth. The following podcast is not real. There's no stamp of podcast authenticity. No use-by date stamped on the bottom. And believe me, if this medium had an expiration date, we would be well past it.

The only thing real about this venture is, listening until it's over always seems to take a real long time. But the sooner we start, the sooner it's over. So sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of foon. I'm your host, Arnold Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before,

this is everything you need to know. Ten years and 11 months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern the Wander Lost, which is currently on the move.

This Tavern has legs. It is currently on the move to Nibble Bottom as we try to figure out how to stop all of the other wizards. I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Trent the Talking Badger. Oh, yeah, baby. How you doing, bud? This tavern has legs. I like that.

This tavern has legs. Should that be the slogan for the Tavern, the Wander, the Wander, the wander lost or should that be just the slogan for the podcast this tavern has legs um maybe both i don't i feel like something above a nice sign above the hearth that says this tavern has legs might be nice or even on the outside yeah that's probably better than uh the scroll that's above the hearth currently yes the one that says um put your waist here and points down to the fire yeah so many people we've had so many burned wastes yeah and as a lot of people don't understand what is and is not waste.

Yeah. You know, you can't put trees in there. You can't put banana peels. Yeah. Can't put dead bodies. You can't put living bodies. Yeah. Well, I mean, also the way it's spelled, people are putting their midsections into the fire. Wait, based on how what's spelled? W.A.I.S.T.

Isn't that the midsection spelling? I mean, I guess, uh, my spelling isn't so good in Finn because some of the words are spelled differently. Arney, I don't want to get into it. You know what? Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to draw us up a new scroll to put above the fireplace right now because, Arnie, I'm of a new mindset. I'm a changed badger.

Sorry, it's Arnold. Oh, sorry? Arnold, I'm of a new mindset. I'm a changed badger. If anything takes less than one minute, I'm going to do it now. I'm going to stop procrastinating. How efficient. Thank you.

So let me just start on this scroll now. And so just have a... Can I keep talking to you, like you? Hmm? Can I keep talking to you while you're doing it, or do we need to stop for every one minute task on the podcast? You know what? I can't finish this right now. This is too distracting.

So let me just toss this in the fire. I'll get to this later. I'm also joined by my other co-host, Zonan the Wizard. I am Zonan Hook Stangis. Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow. Manipelator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Traarchus. The elves, Nomius Fian Yalek. The dwarves know me by my regular name.

And I am also known as Yusador the Blue. But throughout the northeast, I am known as, uh, what is that one? Gasminius Mesa. When I do about it order, it gets confusing. I know, I know. Honestly, the whole beginning of this podcast, if I, if I don't do it in exactly the right order, I don't know what I'm talking about.

I kind of have to do it almost in like a, I'm almost in like a trance. Oh, yeah. I totally disassociate now. Oh, yeah, I phoned it in. Is that what we're talking about? Uh-huh. Absolutely. What?

What are we talking about? Uh-huh. Agreed. Yeah. Boys, let's relax. Yeah. You know what? I'm working so hard trying to defeat the wizards.

I would love to relax. But we are on our way to nipple bottom. We are trying to stop Spintax from attacking Northeast here. There's so many things that will start happening in the last. three episodes of this season. Of course, I know, I know, which is why we need to get in some rest. You're right, you're right. I don't know.

You store if you can maybe conjure up some mage hands and maybe those mage hands can give us some massages. Ooh, good idea. Yeah, maybe we just kind of, you know. Maybe this is a cozy episode. Just get cozy. I got, so Blake, it's here. Let's make a little, maybe a pillow fort or something.

Inotality, keely, keely. Here now hands get touchy, feely. Oh. Oh. It does feel good, though. I hated that spell, but the results. You can't argue with the results. Wow.

Oh, hot stones. Hot stones. Oh, that's wonderful. Should I run to the bar and get us something to drink while we're getting all massages? Sure. What would you like, Arnold? You know, since I'm in a cozy mood and it's still winterish, I'll say I'll have a hot toddy. Do they make hot toddies here?

You know what? I don't even know what's in a hot tauties here. So whatever that is. Okay, chunt. Since we're trying to relax, I'll take a punya kaluda. Punea caluda and a hot toddy. I'll be right back. Chun, why do you always order drinks that you can't quite say?

What are you talking about? What was your order again? A punya colluda. Sure, sure, sure, sure. What do you call it? I don't know. I mean, all I have to go on is what you're saying. I don't know what the right way is, but it just always sounds.

a little wrong. I'm ordering one of my favorite drinks. What I'm on vacation, which is a puna colluda. Okay. Here, John, here's your puna curleuda. Ani. Here's... Oh, buddy. I'm so sorry. Arnold. I do not want a punya caluda. I want a puna colluda.

I'm so... I'll be right back. He obviously ordered with a U, not an O. Yeah. John, we could ride the whole next hour on this interaction. We could really... Make a meal out of it? I hope I pray to the goddesses that we don't have... have a really interesting guest for this episode because we could just get these, this drink order could spend the whole time on it.

All right. Chunt here's your Poonam-Clusum. And Ani. You're not going to believe this? That's not what I wanted. What? Save one more time. Puna-Coluda.

Puna-O-Dou-O. Yes, it means no worries. For the rest of our days? This episode, at least. And, Ani, here's your hot Todd. Here's your Hot Todd E. Hot Todd E. What does he stand for?

This is Todd Erickson. Hi. Hi. We warmed him up for you, I guess. You're sweating like a beast. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's pretty hot. Well, I'm going to head out.

Okay, well, it was refreshing just looking at you, I guess. Good, good, good, good, good. I know you love to watch me walk away. I mean, I don't hate it. I'll be right back with your Piny Killini. Wow. That one sounded good. The worst. Wait a minute. I feel like I know that person walking towards us.

So slow. Like walking is even hard. So slowly. Yeah, it's really taking their time. Todd Erickson, you haven't seen the last of me. Wait a minute. I know that voice. Where'd that little guy go? Has anyone seen a very tiny but handsome man? I didn't mean to lose me, I'm sure. Oh, it's Hildy, the ancient, ancient turtle, one of the oldest beings and all of Foon. Oh, hey. I know you guys.

Yeah, it's me, Arnold, Neekam. Hi, Hildy. Hi, it's Chy. Do you like, Hildy, do you like being introduced that way? It's one of the most ancient, ancient creatures. That old turtle, that old bones. Is that what you said? Something like that, Arty. What did you say?

John, she can barely hear what any of us are saying. Well, as long as you guys are showing flattering pictures of me to whoever you keep talking to, I really don't mind. She doesn't know this is an audio medium. Hilday, I want to thank you out of the blue so unexpectedly, and thank you so much, I got a check for one gold on my birthday. I thought that was so sweet. Oh, of course. Well, birthdays mean a lot to me. I've had hundreds of thousands of them, so.

Yeah. And I just wanted to pay it forward. That was so nice to you. And the check did say to let you know before I cash it. Yes, definitely. It sounds like I probably shouldn't cash it. I'll just hold on. Well, just let me know.

Just give me a running start. Because you know how long it takes me to get to the bank. Sure. I don't know where they bank is. Hildy, are you surviving on some kind of fixed income at your age? Well, actually, since I saw you folks last, there have been some updates. Oh. There was a little bit of, well, you know how I have dozens of hundreds of thousands of children at this point.

Yeah. Who I don't talk to. Yes, I know. Which is why I so impressed you remembered. birthday. Well, you gave me a calendar, and that's the only thing that was in it. Oh, Hildi is here. Welcome. Oh, hello. Can I get you something to drink from the bar? Oh, yes. I would actually love just the tiniest droplet of an Earl Grey.

A tiny droplet of Earl Grey. Arnie, do you want something else since Todd left? Oh, boy, I'm trying to think of something that's not going to be a person. Yeah, Earl might have left with Todd. He left the check. He did leave a drop behind, though. I'll have a Mai Tai. A Mai Tai. And for Chunt, here's your penile collusion.

You know what? I simply will just have to make do. So Hildy, you were saying? So anyway, the dozens of hundreds of thousands of my horrible children who I have explicitly not wished to remain in contact with had a little bit of an intervention with me. And they said, based on a few little things here and there, like lighting things on fire in my own kitchen, by the way, that I should be placed in an assisted thriving facility. Oh, congratulations.

Okay, well, I'm basing my reaction on your reaction, and when you look at me like that, it looks like pity in your eyes. No, there's probably so many activities. There's actually, there's actually, it does too many activities. It's a wonder I could escape. Do you know how many local Acapella groups are coming to sing to me? Oh, no. Local ones, like not even national ones.

Local. They're not winning. Like from the actual, from the assisted thriving community local? Well, they have competitions between the local youth and then hyper-local acapella groups, which is the elders.

Oh. And that's sort of a battle of the ages. So wait, have you been suggested that you'll go there or have you moved into this assisted thing? They've been placed. The thing is that not all of my husbands were turtles. So some of my children are half turtle and half creatures that are very big and strong.

So they just pick me up and put me there. I didn't have much of a choice. Oh, wow. And did you say a battle of the ages or a battle for the ages? I said of the ages. You got to be the, no offense. You got to be the oldest person or creature at the assisted thriving community, right? Which is why I'm a hot contender for all of their archipel.

groups, but I won't join. Why not? What do you have against singing? I'm a solo act. Oh. Oh. I have nothing against singing, but I'm not part of some group. Would share? Would share? Would share more, but having the time.

I'm looking for Todd Erickson. Ah, here you are. A drop of Earl Grey tea on a single maple leaf. And, uh, Ani, uh, I forgot what you were. ordered, so I just got you an ale. Okay, that's right. I'm fine with that. Hey, I'm Al. Al? Al the ale? I wanted the Earl. Oh. Oh, I got both of these wrong?

They're both owls? Oh, I'm sorry. I'll be right back. I'll get this sorted, uh, and, uh, I'll get a round of mozzarella ones on me. Hey, hey, use it her, use it or, use it her. You know what? Fuck the drinks. Just relax. Sit down, join us for conversation. There's so much to do. No, no, no, no. No, no. Have one of your mage-hands order the drinks. Oh, okay. Here off, Cheru. Come on.

Tadda, thal-da-t-da. There they go. I'd really like you to sit down with us. Let's relax. Let's talk to Hildi. I know you've been working so hard. I think it's getting harder for you to accomplish all the things you have to do in a day. I feel like some of the things Hildi is talking about might be of special interest to you.

Okay. Oh, yes. Sorry, I've missed most of the conversation so far. Hildy, I assume everything's going swimmingly with you as usually. Well, I'm doing well quite personally, but on a slightly zoomed out level, I have been placed against my will in an assisted thriving community. What? Yes. That's unacceptable.

We must put together a band of heroes to save Hildy from this assisted thriving community. She got out. She's here. She's here now. Yes. Well, they let me, it's like a revolving door situation. I'm not locked in there. But my children, my hundreds of thousands of dozens of children, signed me up.

So I have nowhere else to live. All my stuff is there. But I try to come here on the weekends, try to meet a suitor or two. I thought your home was on your back. And that's right. You started a fire in your shell? Huh? You started a fire in the kitchen in your shell?

Okay, so I have to watch every burner all the time. It sounds like you set yourself on fire. And then my children place me in a home. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Well, Heldie, just pivot slightly but still talk about the home. Would someone, let's say, of Yusador's sort of age and prestige, would they maybe be comfortable in this assisted thriving home? What?

Well, I think Arne and I would probably agree that it's time to just start, just losing option. Are you looking to wind down? No, I'm looking to... Always! I'm looking to wind up. I have to take on all these wizards and fight them to the death potentially. Relax, relax.

Well, I've been meaning to say... I don't remember when the last time I saw you guys was, but what was it, a couple hundred years? I'll say you're all looking a little haggard, and I say that as someone who's been alive since the beginning of time. That's what I'm saying. I can't really argue with that statement, but...

Are you suggesting that I should... just lay down and let the rest of the years pass me by in some sort of retirement that doesn't befit me? Not at all. The pamphlet here, Hildy, that you just slid across the table. Oh my God, there's kicking all sorts of things in my shell. Yeah, it seems like someone put a magnet on your shelf. Held this.

It says that you're not just lying down, you're sort. It seems like that you're making the most of your twilight. This is ridiculous. I would never agree. I imagine there's one big comfortable chair that you sit in most of the time and watch TV. Absolutely. And look at the events on the other side of the flyer. Every day, every half hour is accounted for.

7 a.m., peppermid milkshake social. 7.30 a.m. Karaoke. Battle. That goes until noon, actually. Then quick lunch. 12.30. Fencing.

One. Chess. 1.30. Mandarin. Not to go back to the very beginning. You wake up, immediately have a milkshake, and then start singing karaoke. It's a busy, busy, busy day. That's the holiday schedule.

I don't know. This seems very vaccine. Wait, oh, wait, what is this? Oh, so many acapella groups. Local and hyperlocal. Hyperlocal. Oh, look at this. Local acapella group, the bone deaths, will perform twice a week.

Ooh, the bone deafs. You know them, right? Oh, of course. They're wonderful. The skeletons that perform acapella? Oh, yes. And the funny thing is, since they're skeletons and they just sing Acapella, they can still play each other's ribs cages as a xylophone.

That still counts as Acapella for them. And that's great. I love that. I think I see here, there's an old slightly sort of withered group of Akapala singers called Bentatonics? I think they have scoliosis. Okay. Hildy, do you see any names? Share?

Share, if you see any names. I honestly don't want to get tied up in all of this because I'm preparing my solo act for the big holiday concert. Ooh, what are you going to perform? You say you're a solo act. I guess I just assume singing, but it could be a plethora of talents are. the soft shoe tap dance, modern, origami. Oh, okay. All of these are actually very good ideas.

And I'm actually quite proficient in all of them. But, no, of course, I will be doing an original song. Wow. You should come if you're available. It's at 8 a.m. on a Wednesday. Huh. In the cafeteria. That's a cafeteria and an auditorium.

Wow. It sounds like the acoustics are going to be mixed. Okay. 8 a.m. on a Wednesday. Oh, I feel like Wednesday. Guys, guys, Wednesdays when we have our blank. Oh, still being asleep. We have our still being asleep.

Yes, we still have our still being asleep. Oh, yes. Addy and Chunt will be asleep. I'll be going through a tomb looking for any sort of gold or gems that might be hiding there. Well, if you can't make it to the show, you could always come to the dress rehearsal. It's at 6.30 a.m. on Wednesday. Same Wednesday? It's the same Wednesday.

Okay. Just making sure it wasn't the previous Wednesday because that would be particularly inconvenient. Oh, what do you have then? Going through a different tomb. Oh, my gosh. No wonder you're not looking so good. You guys are busy, busy, busy.

Yeah, Wednesday's my tomb day. We're working too hard. Well, I wish I could say that there's relief on the other side of retirement, but frankly, I'm busier than ever. I'm batting away friends and suitors. I'm trying to be alone and rest, but yes, don't look so surprised.

Yes, I still have. So, there's. I'm not surprised. You were dead for a while, and now you're alive and dating again. So that's pretty impressive. Yeah, alive and dating again. I think that should be a show somewhere on the road, in the home. Is it true about all the STDs?

What? In the thriving community? I heard that a lot of thriving communities homes have... Save the dates? Rampent... Save the dates? Yeah, save the dates. Honestly, I should hire an assistant to get things on my calendar.

Oh, well, actually, you gave me a calendar. But do you know how long it takes me to write one thing down? I'm like, where's my pen? My shell's on fire. I am noticing some smoke is still coming out of your shell right now. And I think your priorities are a little mixed up. Where's my pen? My shell's on fire.

I'd reverse those. Well, let's take a quick break, and I'll go get another drink for everyone at the bar. Earl. Punea, Caluda. Just whatever. So Hildie, I know you're not happy about your children putting you an assisted thriving community, but it could be worse. They could have put you in an assisted suicide community.

That's so true. I hadn't thought of it like that. I was going to say worse than that as my children are talking to me at all. I explicitly said, no contact from birth on. I got you here. My job is done. How do they find you in the first place? Because I know you've gone to great lengths to not be found by your family.

It's got to be my online presence. Oh, you do have a lot of fishing. lines kind of hanging off of that. Yeah. So your family's gotten caught up in the nets that are like dragging behind you? I think that has to be it. And then I'm dragging them along in the sea. And then they're like, wait a minute, I know that guy.

I'm being followed. Lo and behold, it's all 11,000 of my children. It's a classic story. You get caught in a net. You look at who's dragging that net along. You go, we have the same cheekbones. A tale is oldest time. Hilday, I feel like I could be misremembering, but, you know, every time you're on, I feel like you give us a handful of your kids' names.

Could we just get just a taste, just a little spattering of some names of your... Of those who have wronged me? Yes. Of course. Well, there's the one who looks the most like me. Eliv. Eliv. Yes.

There's Elaviv. Then, of course, there's her twin, Sean. Dumpia. I was going through a French phase. Wait, hold on. Say that again, because I'm not sure I heard that one right. Dumpy air. Dumpy air, okay, I did hear that one. I was teaching myself French.

So there was dumpy air, jumpie air, jumpie air, Sean DePaul. And after that, it just gets blurry. Arnie, didn't you have someone who went to Sean DePaul, graduated even, just for grad school? That reminds me, I did bring over some more drinks. Uh, Arnie here is a dumpier for you, Jean Pierre for Hilde, and of course, Pendant Ku for a chunt. Oh my gosh. This air is extra dumpy. Hildy, do you have, um, out of all your dozens of hundreds of thousands of kids,

is there one that's just been like good to you that maybe you do feel a connection with that maybe you could go live with or they could live with you? Ah, that's such a good question. Well, they can't live with me. Because your home is on the back. They're very strict because my home is on my back. And I have a twin bed at the assisted thriving community. That I make the most of, by the way. But it's too close for comfort for...

Sure. Anyway, you understand. But I guess I have to say I've always been curious about El Aviv. And it's not just because she looks exactly like me, the one time I bred with another turtle. But I don't know. She seems smart. Now, I have a question, and I don't want to pry.

The one time... Really? Because you guys are prying left and right here. Why stop now? Well, what I said was mostly a lie. The one time you bred with a turtle, you gave birth to Elaviv, but Elaviv has a twin named Sean who's not a turtle? Correct. Three ones?

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Follow-up question? Oh, I guess maybe he's a turtle. I guess I just didn't know turtles could look that ugly, but I guess I could see it. Well, quick question about Sean. Of course.

Big hard shell in his back? Yeah, you could call the shell. Okay. Is he like to eat pizza? I don't know. I don't know anything about him. You don't know anything about him other than you'd think he's not attractive. Yeah, just sort of a bad vibe off that guy.

Yeah. Well, you know, you've got to follow your gut instinct. That's fair. So a lot of your kids you don't know, but you hate them. Correct. Well, to be fair, they did put her in a home. That's fair, but it seems like, I mean, based on, no offense, your age, Hildy, I assume that your kids must be up there as well.

Some of them. Some of them. Yeah. It sounds like maybe you weren't present for some of their lives. I wasn't. I had the strict out-of-the-wom policy. I said, the sea is hard, then so am I. So get cracking.

Sorry, sorry, hold on, hold on. You don't lay eggs? And someone of your age should not be saying the hard sea. Yeah. I mean, do what you want, but it's just, it's surprising coming out of your mouth. You're an incredible creature, an ancient creature, and it's possible that you existed before turtles laid eggs, and you have, again, so personal. Oh, they...

Tell me about your womb. Well, they did update the hardware at some point. Okay. At some point. Got a new pelvic floor, new pelvic flooring and everything. Turtles these days, it's so much easier to leave their kids for them. Because they lay eggs on the shore, they kick up their little sand, and then they scooch back into the sea. Back in my day.

Yeah. Oh, here comes her solo act, probably. Back in my day. It wasn't so easy. I used to be queasy. My stomach would swell to my shell. Shell, shell, shell. Imagine me pregnant.

I could. And this is where the lyrics. You're workshopping. You're workshopping. Yeah, yeah. You're workshopping. Hey, you got time. It's not till Wednesday.

The dress rehearsal is not to Wednesday. So is it true that your one-woman show is called Mama Fleeia? Where you're constantly running away? Oh, so they do reference me on the flyer. I do like that you're a solo act that refuses to sing with others, but you do back yourself up with a... Yeah, a cappella means all kinds of stuff. Yeah, yes, yes.

And you're the oldest creature in food that I know of, so you know what? I feel like you hold all that knowledge, so I'm never going to contradict you. Oh, yeah. By the way, instruments weren't even invented when I was growing up. So what I am doing is playing an instrument as far as I know. Hildy, do you remember the first time you saw a musical instrument?

Oh, my God, it was incredible. Yeah, what was it? When was it? Where was it? Well, you have to remember there, it was a different time. Sure. Oh, she's going to say something racist. It was, we didn't know.

We didn't know any better. So it just was, it was simpler in a lot of ways. But the first time that I ever saw an instrument, it was actually, there was this wonderful starfish who used to really run my corner of the sea when I was growing up. And that starfish used to really piss people off saying things that I know we don't say anymore. So I'm not going to repeat them. Sure, thank you. And then one day, a beautiful sea lion picked up this starfish and sort of hurled it across the sea,

ninja star style, and it's stuck in... Sorry, before musical instruments were invented, you did have ninjas? Of course, there's always been ninjas. Sure. When do you think ninjas were invented? The goddesses created things in an order that, well, it may not make sense to us, makes perfect sense to such divine and perfect beings. Turtles, ninjas, a long, wait, hold on, actually.

I'm just putting this together. Turtles, ninjas, teenagers. musical instruments? Sorry, Hildy, so they threw the star. Yeah, Michelangelo, yeah. Rafaelo? Quentin? Anyway, they threw the star across the ocean

and stuck into a piece of coral in such a way, it led out such a tremendous dong. Nobody said anything about tremendous dom. And when I heard this tremendous dong, tears came to my eyes. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard before. And I knew right then and there that I was destined to be a musician. Wow.

Anyway, what was the question? That was an incredible story. We were asking about the first musical instrument you ever saw. Oh, it was a different time. Okay? Oh, no. Wait, she's starting over. She's starting over from the beginning.

Guys, I think she might need to be in that home. She totally does. She definitely does. No offense. Hildee, can I ask a little bit more about the social scene at the assisted thriving? Also, what is the name of this assisted thriving community? Better Shores ahead. Is I think what it's called.

Yeah, because a lot of them have to do with like groves or, you know, different types of wood or something. So Better Shores, I think, is really good. Buried fields. Buried fields, of course. I don't really like that name. It's calming. I mean, it's lovely. It's, it's bustling also.

It's full of a competitive spirit. So it is a bit of a, it is based on audition. And so... You have to audition to get in to the community? Yes. And you didn't want to be there, but you passed the audition? Well, they gave me three choices. They said you can go to Better Shores Ahead, the end of the fishing line, or live fish, don't bobble.

And I said, the last two sound terribly depressing. Please let me go to the Performing Arts Thriving Community. I auditioned, boom, got in. Of course, not a big surprise, but still feels good. Well, it makes more sense that there are a lot of acapella groups there now, too. I guess you're right. Hildie, we'd be honest with us. Always.

Is this an upcoming talent show, or is this a retainment audition? Every year, is there a retainment audition where you have to prove that you still belong? It's not a retainment audition necessarily. It's just the annual assessment. It's like a wellness check. Okay, yeah, yeah. So on the every, so we have our doctor's appointment. They weigh you.

They say how it's looking for you, life expectancy-wise, and then you do your performance. Oh, gosh. And you're like singing cognitive tests? Often you're singing cognitive tests. I'm concerned I'm not going to have what it takes to get into this thriving community. Are you a singer? Not really.

I'm more of a, you know, vocal interpreter. You patter sing, you situr, don't sell yourself short. I can definitely get, I can carry a tune when needed. It's more of a William Shatner of singing. I don't know what that is, but okay. Well, could I, what about a dramatic monologue? I bet I could pull off a dramatic monologue. Oh, yeah, they're always looking for actors.

Oh, excellent. Well, Chunt, name a play, and I'll do a dramatic monologue from it. Ooh, okay, name a play. How about most of the... Most of my sons. Father. Father, I'm begging you. Please bring your other son back.

Why are only most of us here? If we were all together again, we could be a family, father. Father. Father. Wow. I've never heard a script of so many fathers at it. Yeah, I was going to say the reviews for that one were a few two fathers. Father? Father.

We must go farther, father, to find our brother. Where's our mother, father? When our other brother. Did Dr. Susan? Father, I beg if thee. This might be a cognitive test. And he's failing. He's failing.

Please, let us sit down. Us or? Ancing. Oh, wow. Wow. How did you remember all those words? Well, it's mostly one word, which makes it a lot easier. But you have to remember how many times to say it.

Gosh, I could never do what you do. Well, I have before, but now I'm really focusing on my music. So you could do what he does, but you choose not to. Hildy, I have a question. This is kind of an earth thing, so I'm not sure exactly how to explain it. Try me. I wonder if in the thriving community you have a kind of Ted Dansen situation, where like an older gentleman is pretending to be in the thriving community just to like solve a murder mystery or something like that.

I didn't want to ask you, have a man inside because that seemed a little too personal. So that's why I explained it in that way. Well, so you're wondering if there's a man who's at the thriving community to solve mysteries? Yeah. Are there mysteries to be solved? Oh, there are mysteries to be solved. Oh. Absolutely.

A lot of them are crimes of the heart. Oh. Oh, I can do a monologue from that too. Hello, I'm your lawyer. My name is Barnett Lloyd, and I've come to make sure you aren't prosecuted improperly. Arnie, in Fune, actors love to do a southern accent. Yes.

Why, I never thought that you would think that I was attractive, me being a young, handsome lawyer. Oh, no. This is one where he says lawyer. lot. Thank God he didn't do one from night, mother. Yeah. Oh, did you want me to do one from night, mother? No, no. No, we got to do a break. We got to go to break.

Well, I'll take us to break on a monologue. Fuck. Mother. Mother. It's the night. Night, mother. Just go to bed. Don't go to sleep yet, mother. Mother. Listeners are praying for a commercial right now.

Mother. Mother. I'm literally crying. Mother. Mother Mother How can he remember These words

Mother, it is night I can't see It's too dark Mother Mother Hilda You've been so generous And talking about

These difficult things going on Being in the thriving community I feel like We kind of owe you You've always done so much To help us Yeah

Do you want us to help you Get revenge On your children In some way? Oh you know I hadn't even The concept of revenge Hasn't even occurred to me

But what would I do? I don't want them in the thriving community with me Hmm And I would ask you to help me escape But I'm kind of looking forward to the concert I've also got bad news for you Hildi You move very slowly And you were currently in a tavern that is walking

So I suspect you're not going to get back To your thriving community anytime soon. Oh, well, I have to be there by Wednesday at 6.30 a.m. Sure, for the dress. Maybe you could help me get back, actually. I could use a ride. Oh, yeah, I think we can

divert far enough to go over to, uh, sorry, what was the name of it again? Better Shores ahead? Better Shores ahead. Oh, that would be fantastic. But what was the name of the other two? The end of the fishing line. And something about bottles? And a live fish never

bubbles? Yes. Yes. You and you've Let me check that off. You've passed that portion of the cognitive test. Oh, thank you. Hildi, I'll say just from, you know, people in my life that I've talked to, they always say the best revenge is a life well-lived. But we could also, like, beat the shit out of your kids or, like, mm-hmm. No, because I don't want if, I mean, thank you for the offer.

I truly appreciate it. I just worry if they survive the beating and it gets traced back to me, then they're going to take me and they're going to place me. me in alive fish never bobbles. And at this point, I have so much invested in the community. I have so many STDs for events that are coming up down the bike. So I honestly

I never thought I'd say it, but I'm grateful to my children. Wow. What a wonderful epiphany to have. And thank you for having an epiphany during our show. It's always best when

the people that we meet save their most important moments to happen here on microphone. Oh, of course. And as long as you're catching this all on camera and can show my image to the people, I'm happy. I'm starting to feel bad about myself. That Hildy has a more contemporary idea of what a podcast is than what our podcast is. So Hilded, it seems like your biggest hurdle right now is finding something that rhymes with pregnant.

That's correct. Okay. So let's all sort of combine our, you know, mental prowess and come up with. What did you say? I said eggplant, but it's just a place to start from. No, no, that's good. Pregnant, eggplant? I think, yeah, I think that works.

I was becoming a saucy song. What about a hamnet? I haven't seen it. A hamnet? Yeah, I haven't seen one of those in hundreds of years. That's when pigs used to live in the ocean. Yeah. It's before they could fly.

Before they could fly. Ham juice is making more and more sense. Okay, someone owes me an apology. Hildy, I think, I think it with your first thought. I think eggplant does work. Okay. Oh, that's perfect. I forget the words.

I've got to be writing down my good ideas. You forgot the words that we just helped you, right? No, no, I forgot the words to the song. Imagine me pregnant. Yeah, what's that? Okay, can I talk to my friends for just one moment? Excuse me. Oh, sure.

I can't go anywhere, but I'll look away. We have got to see this show. What? That was what you wanted to say? Just to see if she even remembers what it is. Oh, she put her head and limbs inside her show. To let us talk for a second. Knock on the top again.

She'll pop back up. Okay. Who is it? Who is it? It's Arnold. It's Arnold. Just a second. Oh, she may not be decent.

There's a lot of smoke coming out of the holes. I know. Hildi. Her kitchen. Shit, shit, shit, shit. Hildie, what are you doing in there? Hildie. Hildie, do we need to save you from yourself?

Just a minute. How do you turn this burner off? Oh, no. If we look in that shell, we're going to find a bunch of long expired medications? Hildi, there are a lot of newspapers falling out of the headhole of your shell. Okay, well, just one minute. Just one minute I guess.

I hope she's not driving cards. Someone needs to take away your card license. It's covered. Oh, hello. Hey, Hildie. Wow, you really got up to a lot in those kind of five seconds we were having a good chat. I was just making a little snack and then I, well, you know how it goes. Sure.

I think maybe you're glad that you're happy with your children now, but I think they've done the right thing. You shouldn't be starting fires in your own shell. Right. My creative energy needs to be on the bigger platform. Thank you, Wizard. Was that what I said? Sure, Wizard. And you know what?

Let me take all these papers that fell out, all these newspapers that fell out. Let me just throw them in our hearth. Although actually, oh shit, that's a lot of paper. Guys, I think I said the hearth, the fire is start the tavern. Okay. I'm going to put out the fire with a magic spell. Okay. Chuddle,

Chabah. Okay. That made the fire bigger. Okay. Well, all right. Foss. Shit. Chut, you've got to get all three of us to this assisted thriving home.

And Hildy, we owe you a huge apology because I didn't realize how, um, how hard it can be to just be alive in general. You're telling me. Now, uh, Chunt, we know how myself and Hildy are going to get in. But, but, Arny, uh, Arnold, how are you going to get into this, uh, assisted thriving facility? You got 16 bars of it. a song or why? I'll probably just do a podcast or something.

No, no, no, something that shows off your talent. Yeah, like a host, like an interview. I could interview people at the home, at the assisted thriving, at the community. No. No. Okay. Oh, Ernie, what if we did like a two-man act? Like, you know, a lot of, a lot of creatures have interesting names these days. Wait, are you setting me up for an actor? I have to come up with a bunch of names?

Shouldn't that be the other way around? That's your talent. Okay, I tried. Oh, wait, who? Who's on first? You, Arnie, I'm talking to you. Oh, who? Uh, what?

I would have die. I don't know. Quick, chunt. Hildy, find someone for our honey to interview, so we can see if he can really do it or not. Uh, well, where'd that little guy in the drink go? Todd. Oh, yeah, Todd.

Todd. Wait, wait, hold on you, sir. This whole time Hilly's been talking to us trying to find Todd. Hildie, be honest. You don't want to, you're not here to see us. This whole time you've been trying to find Todd. Well, I didn't know you were here. I was a surprise to see you as you were to see me.

But yeah, sure, I came to find that handsome little gentleman in a beautiful three-piece suit. Oh, Todd Erickson always wearing a three-piece suit. I just ran over there and ordered another hot Todd E. Here's Todd Erickson again. Hello. Well, well, well, you thought you could get away from me. Okay. What?

Okay. Okay. Is that all you have to? to say? I'm here to serve. That's right. Now, do a little dance for my friends. I don't know if I want to say what's going to happen next. Oh, you've got to see

him dance. If you want get on it, right of, I'm Toddy. Yay! Huh, very impressive little dance. Then why did you say, huh? I didn't expect such a small dance to be so impressive.

Yeah, I think it was more, we were just kind of kind of blown away by it, we didn't know what to say versus in commentary, yeah. Also, we're distracted by the tavern slowly catching on fire, so. Oh, yeah, everything is on fire, right? Getting pretty bad. Everything is on fire right now.

Well, Todd, if you ever need a place to stay, you know, there's always room in my shell in my twin bed. Please, get me out of here, please. I want to leave so bad, please, let me out of here. Think of a water spell real quick, just going to think of a warm smell. Are you talking to them?

talking to me. Oh, just I was thinking out loud. No, not you, Toddy. Oh, me? Yeah. Who's talking to who? Me? Second base.

I want to get the second base with this turtle. So that's a yes? Whoa, Toddy, very forward. Yes, that's a yes. You're so beautiful. Oh, my gosh. Can I talk to my friends for just a second, Toddy? Oh, sure.

Oh, he's kicking the ground. He knows rejection. Here, let me pick him up and place him over here. All right. Sorry, guys. We're going to have to figure out how this am scray, the Arbe. Seeing Todd E.'ll be so thirsty really was a big turn off, if you know what I mean. Ooh, the Arbeys, I'm not hungry, but...

We could go somewhere else. While we figure this out, he'll leave you mind if I read an email from one of our listeners. Oh, sure. Don't know what that means. Oh, sure. Well, listeners, you can always email us at Magic Tavern at Puppies. That's a real email address. Or you can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash Magic Tavern and message us there.

Here's one we got recently. It's a little long, so I'm going to sort of just read parts of it. Dear Arnie Chunt and blah, blah, blah. I recent... Arnie, just... I would say maybe don't say blah, blah, blah. It seems disrespectful to their words. I guess so.

Here's the thing. It's used to our full name. So that just take a lot of time. Yeah, blah, blah, blah. I recently heard the call to bring more humans to Foon to help fight the League of Evil Wizards. Naturally, I immediately considered the most important requirement of all buying the T-shirt. That part is already done, waiting for it to arrive as we speak. Now, as to why I should be summoned through a mysterious portal.

First, I am a dentist. This means I possess a deep understanding of pain, fear, and how to control both. And then there are a couple other similar things about being a dentist. Second, I am also a scout leader, which means I can survive in forests, mountains, and questionable terrain with limited supplies. Third and finally, I am Portuguese. This means I come from a people with a legendary ability known as Desenmarder, literally translated to unshit yourself. To be able to find a solution when there should be none. We can improvise tools, plans, food, and hope out of thin air, magically yours, Bruno.

Wow, Bruno. All right, Bruno, yes, please, join my quest. It sounds like you have all the perfect skills to be part of an inventory party. I think anyone with the magical ability to unshit themselves should be given first priority. I mean, that's nothing that. None of us are capable of that. No, no. What was it called again, Arnie? Oh, boy.

Desimbruder? Desmmerder. Which I don't know if I'm pronounced. I'm sure I'm not pronouncing that, right? Wait a minute. There's been a merder. A densen merder. I know why I'm reading it as if it's a Norwegian word.

I don't really know how to pronounce it. Well, Arne, you said merd, and Hildi, you might know this, is the French word for shit. So that might make sense? Yes. Mird. Mird. Do you know any more French, Hilder? Oh, it's been ages, but...

This must be from a time when... Because you're so ancient when Earth was, the dimensionals were touching closer and you could hear maybe some of the French. Yeah, I really picked up on it just really through osmosis. Mostly it was a, je sule la jean merd. Whoa. Or, um, je wouldre an tass du merd. Beautiful. Something about shit?

I think it's, uh, I am a young shit and I would like a glass of shit. Yeah. Artie, back to the home. Artie, can that be marriage? Can that be marriage? Wait, you're suggesting we make, we add that to our merch store? I need, we should have more

merid merch. Well, it's all, it's all kind of mered merch. That's true. In the meantime, people can buy an I'm moving to Foon shirt along with many others. In our dashery store, there's a link in the show notes. I'm a young shit. I feel like more people should wear shirt, older people should wear shirts and say I'm a young

shit. All the young shits. Doodoo de Ani, I think that's your song. You can get in now. Oh, that was wonderful, Arnie. And Ari, that's an original? Yes. Because your song goes, dun, dun, dun, da, dun. And somebody else's song might go, dun, dun, dun, dun, da, da, dun. Yeah, very different. Okay. Interesting. Why haven't we ever thought of having Ani just recreate all the songs he knows from Earth and just passing them off as his own? Oh, yeah, you could do that with books, too. We talked about

yesterday. Didn't see it. He said it. Heard it was bad. Hildy, thank you so much. Best of luck with your talent show

on Wednesday. I think we're going to try to be there. Yeah, and again, it's on 6.30 is the dress for ourselves. So if your, if your schedule clears up,

all I've got on mine is Wednesday and then Chan's birthday again. So, yes, stop by any time. Oh, that reminds me. Thank you so much for sending me the one gold check for

my birthday. I really appreciated that. Oh, yes, of course. You got me, well, you got me a wall calendar, and that was the only thing that was marked on it. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, I really appreciated that, and I cashed it, and it went to a good cause. You cashed it? Yeah, I just went ahead and cashed it. I just sent it to me, so I figured it would be fine. Oh, okay. I just need to attend to something in my shell.

if you don't might. I'll just need a minute. If you're overdrawn on your accounts, are you in danger of being removed from the thriving community? Oh, I have to imagine my children are paying for it. It's certainly not linked up to my shell account.

All I had in there was one cold coin. Oh, okay. Oh, no. But you're so old, you must have accumulated so much interest. I keep it in cash. Oh, my God, this is... Wait, you don't keep your cash inside your shell, do you?

Oh, there's smoke coming out of your shell. Oh, no. Oh, no. Of course I keep it in my shell. That's the safest place you could keep something. Strapped to your body at all times. Now, if you'll excuse me, it would appear that I left my heated blanket on.

We've got to drive this whole tavern right into a river. Almost makes me wonder if I should keep my heated blanket plugged in. left on the highest setting, and sitting on top of a pile of gasoline-soaked rags and fireworks. Eh, should be fine. Usadol the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Jont the Talking Badger was played by Addle Rofi. Hildy Shiblin, the Ancient Turtle, was played by special guest Olivia Nielsen. You can follow Olivia on TikTok at Olivia West Nielsen.

Olivia also co-hosts a monthly variety show in L.A. called Quality Time, with Friend of the Tavern, Erin Keith. You can follow that show on Instagram at Quality Time Show. I'm not used to hearing quality and show used in the same sentence. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the most recent bonus, another teeny tavern, hosted by Momo the Mouse, played by Aaron Keith. What? What? This, sir, sorry. Please. Stop the recording. Honey, what are you doing here?

Oh, it's me. Babe, what's wrong? It's me. You're out of breath and you're sweating. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Huge news, honey. I got huge news, Momo, baby.

Sorry, Reese's, we're in the middle of a teeny cavern. Oh, my God, you're crying. It's not good. It's not good. Use the door. It's hard to break. We'll be right back after these messages from today's sponsor. Hot dog buns.

When you want to eat a hot dog. Put it on a bun. That's not even a real sponsor. Sorry, I didn't, I just saw a hot dog and I said the first thing I thought of. I totally did that. Of course you did. Of course you did.

Look at me. When you look at me, what do you think? You see food, right? God. I've never seen a sausage sweat. That's what I'm thinking. No. Hey, you said, or, can you get in a glass of water?

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including how to gift someone a Patreon subscription, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adder Rify. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Haverman, this episode edited by Stefan Drainger. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBann.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.