Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 9 - Germ Crust Now (w/ Mary Tilden)

Episode Date: May 13, 2024

Germ Crust visits to introduce Usidore to her new love.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiGerm Crust: Mary TildenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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wherever you get your podcast. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. But maybe you hold a secret spark of hope in your heart that it is real, that the possibility of a world beyond your own exists, a hope you'll cherish and keep alive no matter what evidence exists to the contrary, your own quiet, brave belief that the world still has room for wonder. And what that tells me about you is that you're not able to follow simple instructions because I just said

the podcast is not real. So sit back and enjoy the show. Come on, Wanderlust. Come on. Hi-ya? Hi-ya? Is that? How do I get the tavern to move? Move?

S-uh. Chunt. Yeah, yeah. Wanderlust come on. Hiya hiya is that how do I get the tavern to move move Chant yeah, yeah I'm I'm in pushing judge. You want me to keep pushing I don't know how we get the tavern to move like I know sometimes the tavern moves on its own But the tavern doesn't want to move how do you get the tavern to move? an unmovable

Object have you tried tempting it with a treat? Maybe we put a carrot on a string in front of it so it chases it? Wait, can you taunt a tavern with food when there's already food inside the tavern? Oh yeah, we do live in its stomach I guess. Maybe there's a secret spot you have to rub or touch or press? Why are your solutions to everything find the spot to rub or touch something? Hey, man, we're all we're all just bags of flesh having fun, man. All right, we'll figure this out later Let's go inside and start the podcast. Okay, okay Oh

Sorry that's People will freak out if they would have heard me Thank you if people would have been hearing me on that side of their head the whole time we would get angry emails Yeah, be weird. So, okay. Okay. Oh Arnie quick warm up. Yeah quick warm up. So, okay. Okay. Oh, Arnie, quick warm up. Yeah, quick warm up. You want to get the first one? Okay. Perfect. Then now it's your turn. Okay. You said doors a wizard, not a lizard. That's for sure. Arnie, you and do that with me. You saw a wizard, not a lizard. Okay, we completely synchronized Shit, I just heard you guys warming up. I almost missed the podcast. Oh

You said also wizard not a lizard for sure. That's for sure your warm-up you sir. You have your warm-up many mumbling mice Or making merry music in the moonlight my Nice, oh I say mighty mice mighty mice Arnie have you met mighty mouse? I have not It's our friend Momo you remember Speaking of speaking of I am so Arnie. I am so sorry. I forgot to mention the winner

We have a very special guest here my I am so sorry I forgot to mention the winner. We have a very special guest here in my central here somewhere. There he is. A very special guest. This is the winner of March Magic. Arnie, I don't know if you ever officially met. This is Wile Potatoes, the rat with a wand in him. Oh, wow.

Yeah, that rat has just got a wand stabbed into his body. Oh, Wiley, it's wonderful to see you again. I can't believe he's here. Wile Potato's the rat with a wand inside him? Now for listeners that aren't Patreon subscribers, we did March Magic throughout March, where the listeners decided who was the most powerful magic user in all of Foon,

and the winner, for some reason, was just this rat with a wand stuck into him Wiley potatoes the rat with a wand inside him and Arnie I gave him the trophy You know how we made trophies for the top two. I gave him his little first Shit, I didn't we have a budget for two trophies. I gave him his first place trophy and look he's made it into a little hat. Oh That's adorable. Aw. Now remind me, isn't there some danger

in having Wile E. Potatoes around? Yes, whenever he coughs or farts, magic shoots out of him. Yeah, not sneezes though. Sneezes are safe. Okay, sneezes are safe. Like they say, sneezes or breezes, coughs and farts, jump your starts and get moving.

Mm-hmm. Okay, I really want to remember this sneezes or breezes yeah costs of farts farts jump your starts better get moving starts better get moving but don't forget Arnie if you're ever in danger so say like a mountain troll is barreling towards you it's before except after sneeze oh Oh, yes. Wiley, could you cover your adorable little ears for a moment?

Thank you. Listeners, if you think it's absolute bullshit that this rat with a wand inside him won the March Magic, then go join the Patreon and vote next year. Yeah, exactly. It's been more than a month since March Magic was done, and it took us a while to get Wily on the podcast. Look, these magic users are not so easy to book. We're still trying to get Shandy Randy the

Big Bull of Randy on the podcast. There is sort of a consolidation of powers. The wizards all form their own fiefdoms and become warlords of sorts. So, you know magic users are at a premium Oh you sir. That is a great one warlords of sort warlords of sort warlords of sort Which reminds me my warm-up is hello from the magic tavern a Weekly podcast from the magical land of food I'm your host Arnie neat camp the greatest warrior in Foon. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago

into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the Wander lost in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my co-host, Ysar the Wizard. I am Ysador, wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ophesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trakas.

The elves know me as Fjangalak, the dwarves know me as Zonan who extenges, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maestar and I carry a burden. Oh the heaviest of burdens for I have caused all my wizard kin to lose their immortality and this burden I must bear alone. And I'm also joined by my other co-host Wily Potatoes the rat with a wand inside him. Yeah not as sad as Usador's thing but um E. Potatoes is sleeping under a slice of bread. Aww, you're kinda cute. So cute.

Hope he doesn't fart in his sleep. I'm also joined by my other co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. Bing-dong! Arnie, we spent so much time warming up. We spent so much time meeting Wile E. Potatoes, the rat with a wand in him. Do we have What hello I I didn't realize you would be here I Just wandered in from the enchanted forest. It's me. Go. Do you remember?

Good shit Yeah, of course girls so wonderful. wonderful to see you. Gurm! It's just, oh, Ysodorn, buddy, uh, you okay? Oh, yes, of course, I'm fine. Last you saw me, I was, uh, ghost or dead, I forget. You weren't dead yet, Ysodorn. It seems you still aren't. I'm so happy to see you alive and well. And I am happy to see thee as well.

For my death was but a ruse, so that we could hide the Dark Lord away. But that sort of all blew up in my face, but it's wonderful to see you. Oh, you're such a trickster. Last time you saw me, I was either dead or a ghost. Well, I was dead. I was dying and then I was dead and then I was a ghost. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah Pull up a chair. Oh, thank you so much. Yes, actually I I'm so sorry to do this, but I I just got married

Just moments ago What? Just moments ago. Moments ago? Just moments ago? Congratulations! This is part of a celebration! It does! I thought I would come in here for a pop of drink, you know, to celebrate.

Oh, yes, of course. Married in the Enchanted Forest. What a glorious day. And your look is, look, this new special in the tavern. Pops of drinks are half off. Oh. Oh, good. Round for everyone. Yes, I'll go to the bar and get us all a pop of drinks. A pop of drinks for everyone.

Is Ysidor okay? Yeah, he kept repeating pops of drinks several times, so that's, I mean, that sounds like him, right? That sounds like him in the morning. Yeah, no, look, I, look, Garm, I don't wanna overburden you. You just got married, but I'm sure maybe this is just a surprise for you, Sidora. Obviously, you two haven't been an item for a while,

but you know, this is always a little, you know, this is a little bittersweet to hear about something like this. Yes, of course, yes, of course. Well, I'm very happy, and I'm so happy to see you, and I'm so sorry I didn't invite you. Oh yeah. I'm sure you just didn't know where to find us.

Our tavern moved so it's a whole thing. Mail is tough. No, I really didn't, I didn't invite you. I intentionally didn't invite you. And I'm, and you know, I do regret it now that I'm seeing your faces because you're so just adorable yeah and I always forget about that like we gave you an out forget about our positive qualities is what you're saying oh yes yeah a round of pops for the table everyone everyone have one. Thank you, Usador. Cling, clang.

Cling, clang. To your new thang. Oh, well maybe she'll be in here sometime. She's outside getting her portrait taken solo. Oh, boy, a lot to unpack in that sentence. So it's still portrait time. Everyone's getting their portraits done still? Yes.

Do you have to go back out there for a while to do the whole family? Okay, good, good, good. No, I wasn't invited to the portrait session, but that's okay. I'm still in the marriage. Okay. Well, that seems a little insulting.

If I were to be wed, I know I would want to be in the portrait, Chunt. How about you? Usador, Usador. Don't make this about yourself. I wasn't. This isn't about you and Gurm's former relationship. I didn't say anything about that.

I literally, I went and got a round of drinks and then I asked Chunt a question. If I were with. Gurm, I'm very happy for you. We've had our ups and downs, we fell in love in an alternate timeline. I don't even know if you knew that. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

You know, it seems familiar, but only in my bones. Right, so, you know, these things are behind us. I have a lot on my plate, too. You know, I have to, um... Easy, you sore, easy. Easy, big guy, easy. I have to... Get this tavern moving.

Oh, oh, yes, I did. I was wondering, it does seem like it was in a different location than last time I was in it. Oh yes, oh yes, it's ambulatory, you know, so we're moving all about and it's stuck right now, but I'm sure as soon as we find the steering wheel we'll be fine. Gurm, welcome to the Wanderlost, our new tavern.

It's got a curse that it can move from time to time. It's had numerous names over the years. It used to be known as Howl's Moving Castle and then it was Stitcher Premium's Moving Castle. But I just call it the Wanderlost. Ah, yes, I'm sure it's just changed ownership many times. Absolutely. And let me just say, big squeeze around Ysidor, this tavern may be stuck now, but at some point this tavern will

meet someone or something that gets it going, so... I'm fine, everyone. I'm talking about the tavern. Okay, I'm fine. We should be celebrating GERB. That is true, 100%. Ysidor, you know, I think we're great old exes. We're not even exes. We won't ever even really official, but... Right.

But everyone has people like that in their lives and... On Earth, if you fall in love with someone in an alternate reality, it's just called an emotional affair. Oh. hmm. Well, perhaps that's what we had. We had an emotional affair. But don't tell Garena, because Garena might not take that very lightly. She might come in here. Tell us all about Garena. How'd you meet? What's her deal? Oh well, the reason Garina's, you know, being the subject of the portraits on her own is because she's just honestly much more important than I am. Oh, I don't care for that. I think you're equally important at least. I think you've accomplished a great many things in your lifetime. Being a, you know, a makeup artist for ghosts

and all manner of other things. Oh, thank you. Oh, Ysidor, that feels like a whole lifetime ago, but it is true my ghosts were in attendance at the wedding. They were grumpy about it. You might be able to hear them outside now being grumpy. Let's listen for a second. Give me a little bit. Oh, my ghost. Stupid. Being grumpy. Let's listen for a second

Classic classic grumpy ghost noises. Mm-hmm. Yes, they don't love Garina, but Garina is Important and the reason I I say that is because Garena hosts a contest and it's a very popular contest called Sweet or Savory, you might have heard of it. Sweet or Savory? Oh my god it says, oh my god it says, that Garena, you're married to the Garena? As of today. Oh my god it says. I'm so sorry, I'm not as familiar as Chunt is.

Can you tell me about this contest? Oh, sweet or savory. It's basically what you would think. It's a contest where people make two breakfasts, a sweet one and a savory one. So far exactly what I would think. And it has to be to the liking of Garina. And Garina.

And Garina chooses which one is best, which person has the best sweet and savory, and they win. It's quite an entertaining amusement, Arnie. You know, whenever I see a show or a play like that, I always have to wonder, how do you get that sort of job? How do you become a Garina? You must know her very well by now. Well, I was a fan for a long time.

We actually met because she was on my old podcast, A Canned Evening with Gurm, which is now defunct, mainly because I'm so happy in love. Well that's wonderful, but being in love, you could still do a podcast. I don't, right, Arnie, is that true? I don't know. Good question. Ask me again in another nine years.

Yeah, we're not sure about that, but it seems like probably you could. Well, the subject of my podcast was glomology, and I felt like I was having to talk about how sad I was or how sad other people were all the time and I realized I was just pitying all my guests, which didn't seem very healthy or fair. So I quit the podcast and I ran away with Garena. And to answer your question about how someone gets a job like Garena, Garena is a self-made woman.

Oh, okay. Well, that, yeah, that explains it right away. But how'd she do that? She famously brought herself into existence, isn't that right? Yes. She was born of herself. Sort of like you, Ysidor. Sort of. I mean, the birds and the rain and the wind and the fire and the squirrels all demanded that there be a champion who come forth and defend food and all its glory and make sure that evil is stamped out wherever it may be.

Hey, don't, don't, you're looking right at Gurm while you say, don't, don't do that. It's so weird. Sorry, sorry. We're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, we wanna hear more about everything and celebrate your marriage a little bit more. Yeah.

Woohoo. Woohoo, clang clang. Cling clang. Cling clang. Woo hoo! Woo hoo! Clang clang! Clang clang! Clang clang!

Clang clang! Enhance your listening experience with Wondry Plus. Enjoy ad-free listening, exclusive content, binges, and more. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels. She was a romance mystery writer who happens to be married to a chef. But this story didn't end with a happily ever after. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground and I heard

somebody say, call 911. As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries. So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy, we weren't that surprised. The first person they look at would be the spouse. We understand that's usually the way they do it. But we began to wonder, had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels There are murders in all of the books. that she was playing them out in real life?

You can listen to Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. So, Gurm, I don't know, I don't know if this is a great question to ask, but that's never stopped me before. Oh, I. I don't know if this is a great question to ask, but that's never stopped me before. Oh, I love bad questions.

When you say Garina was born of herself, did she like literally birth herself? Like, honey, honey, no. Oh, it's not a bad question. No, I think I love to talk about things like this. Do you know how, I'll use a food metaphor, since she loves food. Make it sweet and savory.

Okay, well, let's see. Have you ever had boar and waffles? Sure, of course, we all have. Oh, one of the best combos in all of them. I have not. Oh, Arnie, how am I supposed to explain? Oh never mind. Anyway, so boar and waffles, it's a very popular dish. Both a little bit sweet, a little bit savory. Now, garina was like a plate, an empty plate. And then one day a breeze came by and a little mouse hopped along

and suddenly sprang out of it a Boran waffles dish. That is how Garina was born. I love it when a breeze comes by. Oh, one of the best feelings, especially when it's a little muggy. Yeah, you get a little tap, tap, tap on the door and you're like, oh, a breeze came by. How wonderful. Yeah.

That did. It's weird, everyone that's had Boran waffles seem to totally understand that story, but I did not understand. Arnie, we gotta take you to Rico's had born waffles seem to totally understand that story, but I did not understand Arnie We got to take you to Rico's born waffles one of the best places to get born waffles Just just know that if a breeze comes by most likely there is someone being born Okay, every time you feel a breeze someone was just born Arnie you repeat that okay? if there's a sneeze it's a breeze, someone was just born. Arnie, repeat that. Okay.

If there's a sneeze, it's a breeze. If you need to shart or giggle. Why are you writing this down? I'm just trying to, am I remembering? Now, I don't know if you ever knew this, but the etymology of the word born, it comes from the word bore. Oh.

Everyone in Foon and outside of Foon, everyone, and you probably don't remember this because you were too young, but you started as a bore. Yes, honey, don't you remember? That I started as a bore? Everyone starts as a bore. I mean, frankly, you still are.

Ha ha, sweet bird! Yeah, I knew it. Woo! Aw. For the first three months, you were a fucking boar as a baby, Arnie. You don't have this on Earth? No.

Well, I don't know how much more I can teach you in this moment, as it is my wedding day. You're being perfectly clear. Yeah, let's celebrate. You could not have explained that better. Arnie's just a little dense right now. I have drops of sweat dripping down my brow. I worked so hard to let you know how Garina was born.

Let us help you celebrate. Okay. Yes, yes, yes. Have you burned the hay bales yet? We could set the hay bales on fire. It's one of my favorite wedding ceremonies. Oh, let's. I would love that. I don't want to do it without Garina though.

Oh, of course. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was very presumptuous. How do we solve a problem like Garina? Well, she's less of a problem. Sure. Than more of a clever solution. Yeah, Shawnee, that was a very inappropriate question. You might as well ask, how do you catch a cloud and pin it down? Well, so there goes my follow-up question. Oh, I don't really know the answer to that one, but Karina might know

Let me see if she's willing to come inside. Oh Yes, yes, yes, yes common honeymoon question Now you sir you sir yeah what we need you to be in top form, okay? I'm totally fine. Hold your cool, don't be weird. I haven't been. Don't try and posture and pose. Yeah, I wasn't. Okay, this isn't a contest. You already lost.

Of course. Say, if it was a contest, you already lost. But it's not. Okay, okay, fine. Yeah, I'm fine. It's not a contest, and you already lost. Oh, here she is. Oh, hello, darling.

Hello. Green-Eye, it is a pleasure to meet you. Hi. This is Hello from the Magic Tavern and I am Eucidore the Blue, one of the greatest wizards who has ever lived. Cool. And this is,

this is Chunt and this is my other friend Arnie. Hi. Chunt, this is like watching a cart wreck. And I've, you know, I've done some pretty important things. I, let me just say I love sweet and savory. Sweet or savory. Oh, my show? My show?

Yes, your show's amazing. Wow, my contest. Your contest, I'm sure you're- So you're a fan. Yes, I'm a big fan. I'm sure you know a lot of the things I've done too. Ha ha, good one. Oh. Gotta say, I've done too. Haha, good one. Oh.

Gotta say, I like Karina. Yeah, she's really good at defusing Yusora's weirdness. For him to say all that and then she just went cool. Honestly, the best comeback you could possibly have. Hey, so I have a question you guys. Sure.

Yeah, of course. Were you trying to crash my wedding or oh no no no no we're sort of new to this magical tavern and we can't seem to get it to move we're not sure there wasn't really a owner's manual so we're not sure how to get it going oh well it's asleep oh the windows are shut that's right oh so amateur the windows are shut! That's right! Oh, so amateur. The windows are the eyes. Ugh, Arnie. We spent a lot of time in taverns.

I mean, not moving taverns. We're not amateurs. Oh, really? Honestly, the best possible comeback. Well, I mean, prove it. Show me how much you can drink. Oh. Oh, sure. Barkeep, a round of ales for the entire table. Gurm, are you... Yes? Oh, sure. Barkeep, a round of ales for the entire table.

Gurm, are you... I assume you also want an ale and you want to join in this drinking competition? Oh, do you mind, Garina? No, go ahead. Then yes, I'll do it. Oh, and Garina, I'm so sorry. That's not a sandwich.

That's actually Wiley potatoes, the rat with the wand, sleeping under a piece of bread to don't shit. Yeah. No, just don't bite down on them I know this I I I know this rat. Oh This rat was in my contest, you know, Wiley potatoes the rat with a one side of and you don't know you should or the blue I I'm I can't say that I do. All right So Wile E. Potatoes was in your contest, Sweet and Savory? Yeah, like a long time ago, about three years ago. He dominated our March Magic competition. How'd he do in Sweet and Savory? Oh, it was

a terrible mess. He kept disguising himself as the food. I almost ate him at least three times. Okay. Wiley's got a thing. He's got a real thing. Garina, let's, first of all, cheers. The ales are here, let us all cheers. Cheers. Clink clank. Clink clank.

Clink clank. Garina, I have to, you know, I want to take an interest in you. Garm is an old friend of ours. We've known her for many years. And I just want to say to you, I hope you become our friend as well, but I have to take an interest in you. Gurm is an old friend of ours. We've known her for many years And I just want to say to you. I hope you become our friend as well But I have to know as someone who's an expert in your field What would you say is the greatest breakfast you've ever had?

Oh, I think I got to go with the classic. Born waffles? Yep, that's it a little bit of spice on there. You know about special spice sure guys For someone famous for hosting a food competition not very effusive about talking about food I mean I can hear you I'm I'm standing right here Guys for someone hosting a podcast for nine years not very good good about whispering off mic. No, you're not. That's right. Arnie, do you know about the special spice?

No, what is the spice, the spice melange? Oh, some call it that, I guess. It's a little certain something something. Gurina, you would probably know best about the spice. Yeah, so the spice is harvested from enchanted trees, little disgusting rodents, and also really big, big, big elves. Oh, big elves. Yeah, you have to, it's basically like you scratch all those things with your fingernails.

If you're lucky enough to have fingernails, you scratch all those things with your fingernails and what's left underneath your fingernails, you scratch all those things with your fingernails and what's left underneath your fingernails, you use it in the dish. It's a very time consuming and manual process to gather the special spice. Obviously you have to find an elf that's big enough and willing to be scratched. You have to find the right kind of tree.

And the other thing. A tiny disgusting little rodents, no offense to Wiley potatoes. Please Wiley, yeah. Arnie, that's probably why, you know, when we go out to eat or even here in the tavern, you might see customers where as they're eating, they start to bite their nails

or maybe they clean under their fingernails and wipe it on their food. That's the spice. It is the spice. Sounds unsanitary if I'm being perfectly honest. Well, actually, it's making everyone stronger against the elements. So sort of the opposite, Arty. Oh, whoops.

You stepped at it. Isn't she amazing? Yeah, yes, absolutely, Gherm. Well, we're so glad you two are so happy. Gherina, when you two first met, what did you think of Germ? Oh, well, when we first met, I honestly wasn't even looking at Germ.

I was on Germ's podcast. I had been very low for quite a while, and Germ was interviewing me, but I was in love with another. And Gurm just complimented me until I realized I could spend my life with someone who compliments me all the time. Arnie, Arnie, Usador,

I think this is a good podcast whisper. Did you see when she said I loved another, her eyes darted towards Wile E. Potatoes, the rat with her wand in? I did clock that, yeah. Okay, this is awkward then. Maybe that might explain some of the tension in the air. At first I thought it was Usador,

but it's definitely not Usador. No, I'm being super cool. It's the rat, Wile E. Potatoes. There's a real love square going on here I'm just so happy that worlds are colliding Yes, it's wonderful to make and meet new friends and and reconnect with old friends and I've already had four beers I Also have had quite a few Yeah, I'm feeling great. Oh, I'm so sorry to interrupt. Karina, like we said before, stop trying to put Wiley potatoes in your mouth.

That's not a sandwich. Oh, um, I just, I can't help but to taste things sometimes. Oh, she said it! That's her catchphrase! Wait, her catchphrase is I can't help but to taste things sometimes? She says it before she tastes anything. On a contest? A food contest? Well, on sweets are savory. you know, it's a whole, you know, it's not just like I sit down and eat the food.

It's like, Corina goes around and finds the food and she's like, I can't help but taste things. So she's just tasting all different things to see if they are the breakfast. That's right. I am a little confused here. Corina, you mentioned that Why the Potatoes are At with the Wondedom has maybe been on the show a few times now

I've only been watching for four or five years, but isn't the way it usually plays out the losers Become the ingredients for next week. Well, yeah that that is how it used to play out But why we here kind of ruined it because why they kept trying to be the ingredients before even losing Why Lee really is a Thorn in my side. I'll say that much kept trying to be the ingredients before even losing. Wily really is a thorn in my side, I'll say that much. Yes, I noticed you described Rodents as disgusting earlier, which did, which seemed a little pointed, considering Wily's right here being very cute. Oh, he can hear me.

You know, it's not his fault. He has a red wand inside guys The sexual tension between Karina and Wiley potatoes is off the charts It's like a moonlighting will they won't they? Yes It's so between Wiley and Karina the tension between me and Gurm the tension between you and Chunt. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's crazy It's all off the charts. Oh Yeah, so you're just gonna have that wand stuck inside of you. Is that what you're trying to tell me? between you and Chunt. It's crazy, it's all off the charts. Oh yeah? So you're just gonna have that wand stuck inside of you?

Is that what you're trying to tell me? Look, a wizard tried to kill him and by stabbing him with a wand, this is established law. It's not his fault that that wand's inside of him. Have you ever been around him when he coughed? I have, one time he turned my thumb into a rose bush. One time he coughed and farted at the same time, all he did was turn around.

It was like his head and his butt switched places. So that was fine, I guess. It sounded like the joke was on him. Just really gets me going. Gets you going? The things that he does. Well, let's not focus on that. Let's celebrate.

Do we want to set the hay bales on fire? Let's set the hay bales on fire. And also, I've been saving this behind the bar for a special occasion, but go ahead and bring over the big bowl. Oh, the big bowl. Is it always this exciting? It is so exciting.

It's so invigorating to have old friends back with us here. Oh, Gurm, it's so nice to see you and I'm so happy for you and you look beautiful on your wedding day. Thank you, do you like what I did with my hair? Yes, the way you matted it down and then put that sort of, what would you call that? Like a hood over it?

Fur, fur. Fur, a fur hood over it. Yes, and Garina looks, you know, quite becoming herself. Yeah, well, how so? Well, just, you know, the very elaborate dress with the very high ribaldo collar wrapped all around. It's very striking and it really stands out. with the very high ribaldo collar wrapped all around.

It's very striking and it really stands out. Oh, a fun fact about the dress. The train actually goes for at least 3000 kilometers. Wow. It's a long train. It's a long train. Yes, so she can never get lost. Well, that is nice. That's very good. Well, she can never get lost. Well, that's, that is nice. That's very good. Well, she can still get lost, but she can always backtrack.

Right. And, and also, um, the reason for that is because she has, um, very, how do I say this? Active producers for a contest. The producers, if they ever need her, they just pull on the train of her dress and she's whipped back to work. Oh, that's got to be frustrating if you're out for a nice dinner

and suddenly she feels a tug on her train and she has to go to work. Right. Wait, so are you saying she wears this wedding dress all the time? Oh, well this is one version of the dress, but sometimes she wears a different color. Oh, this is the wedding version of the dress. It always has the train.

Yes. No matter what she's wearing. Okay. Garina, what possessed you? Did your producers force you to wear this train all the time? Or put Wily down? Oh, get away from me. I don't know why I was holding you

Disgusting little rodents The top of his head yeah, well he was getting on my nerves. Oh your other catchphrase Let's let's all grab one of these cups Dip it into the bowl grab some of the brandy out of there One of these cups. Dip it into the bowl. Grab some of the brandy out of there. We'll all cheers.

Cling clang. And we'll be back from breaking just a moment here. Cling clang. This is Shandy Randy, the Big Bowl Brandy. Oh no. Once upon a beat. Remember those stories and fables that would capture your imagination and you couldn't wait to see how they would unfold? And now, when you read them as an adult,

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From the producers of Jury Duty and The Bachelor. We have scoured the earth for the 14 greatest reality contestants that were available during our production window. Comes a reality competition show about reality competition shows. Nobody has dared to find out who is the actual best at just being on a reality show. I'm your host, comedian Daniel Tosh. It's Winner Go Home. just be an honor reality show. I'm your host, comedian Daniel Tosh. Is winner go home. Each episode, our contestants will face new challenges that will test their strength and lack of life skills

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What a gay hell have I got myself into? The GOAT. Stream free on Amazon Freeview or Prime Video. Well, I've only had eight ales, but I'm doing fine. I say it's finally time that we all go outside Step outside follow me and we'll Set the bales of hay on fire and we'll really set you off in style. What a wonderful What a wonderful day this is

I Congratulations, you two. You're so beautiful together. Thank you. You're worth it in life, you're married. I hope to be married someday. I think that would be so fun to be married. I've just never met someone. Jenner, you saying you hope to be married someday? I hope to be married someday. And I'm so married because I don't want people over B. Oh Well, don't don't get married too soon because then you won't be able to do your podcast And then you will wonder what your direction in life is And then you might think that perhaps that you don't have any purpose other than being married You may have an existential moment Okay, I think.

Garm, I don't want to meddle in your relationship or anything, but just because you're married doesn't mean you can't do your... You've got to have work-wife balance. You've got to have work-wife balance. You're right. I do need to have work-wife balance. It's just that, you know, everything's so new. I feel like maybe in ten years or forty I could pick something back up again, maybe a little hobby.

But not 11 through 39. What? Follow me outside to the bales of Hay. Wait, I want a sandwich. Oh, nice piece of bread and a sandwich here. Oh, don of bread sandwich. Don't eat that. That's Wiley. Wiley you try to trick me and lick your little head. Don't lick his head. That's a me thing.

Come on let's go. It's time to burn some bales. Burn the bales. Burn the bales. Burn the bales. Burn the bales. Burn the bales. Burn the bales. Now Arnie, the way this works is you get some bales of hay and people take turns lighting it on fire and you try and see who can make the bales burn the fastest. And Arnie, everyone has their different tactics

for making them burn the fastest. And the worst thing that can happen is if it doesn't burn. That means that the marriage will not be successful. What? Yes, that's sort of the ritual. Honestly, the worst thing that can happen is you set the bale of hay on fire and then a horse comes along and is hungry and starts to eat the bale of hay and then a horse catches on fire, runs into a stable and catches the rest of the horses on fire.

That's how it happened once. Oh, that happened to you? Not to me, but I saw it happen. It happened near me. Oh, oh, Chunt. I wish I was still doing my podcast so we could sit down and talk about this terrible thing. Arnie, can we do an episode inside an episode?

I don't really love setting up competition for the podcast, especially now that podpires is so popular. Oh, Curb, have you heard podpires? Have you heard podpires? No, I haven't. God, listen. It's a bunch of vampires talking about vampire stuff. Yeah. Oh, my cousin is a vampire. God, listen. It's a bunch of vampires talking about vampire stuff. Yeah.

Oh, my cousin is a vampire. That's why it's so popular. Everybody's got a vampire in their family. It's true. Everyone has at least one vampire in the family. And if you don't know who it is, it's you. Oh. If you don't know who the vampire family is, sorry.

It's you. The only vampire in your family is looking in the mirror. And if you don't see yourself, vampire in your family is, sorry. It's you. If you don't know who the vampire in your family is, look in a mirror. And if you don't see yourself, it's you. It's you. Corina, stack up more hails of ba- bails. More hails of bait. Alright. Oh, you're so fucking drunk.

Come on Wiley, help me stack these. Seventeen. And now I set them aflame, ensuring that your marriage is more successful than any other marriage in the history of all food. Alright, well, wouldn't it be embarrassing if you had that many bales of hay and none of them set on fire? Well, that's not gonna happen because I'm an incredible wizard. So wonderful. And a good catch.

Okay. And a good provider and a wonderful supportive partner who would always make sure that my partner felt valued and felt like they were, didn't have to put their life on hold for me. He's reading off index cards. Arnie, have you ever heard Ysidore try to do spell when he's drunk? No.

Probably, but I can't wait to hear it again It's pretty bad. It's pretty bad. Okay, keep laughing you Sidor, but look at my bales of hay Look, they're basically already full of embers. Whoa It's so beautiful. Oh Looking at burn. Yeah, they're sparkling. They're sparkling with fire now All I have to do is get them to burn, baby burn It's so hard to make that transition from sparkling with fire to burn baby burn now look Sure, I could do one of my normal spells like Caleb licked and cover

Sure, I could do one of my normal spells like Galef Licton Karma, or Terethroth Trothknoflar, one of those, but uh... Terethroth Marknothlar? I'm gonna do a really good rhyming one, and fires... yeah, watch. Oh, I hope the bales all burn! If to a great marriage you wish both to aspire, then let these bales of hay catch a flame. Oh, they're wet. They're all wet. Oh no, Ysidor, don't cry onto the bales. They're just all wet with your tears. Oh no.

Oh Ysidor, I don't know what this is really about, but if it is about me, I would just say, you want to keep your podcast. That's right. I still have the podcast and all of my plans. Right, you are such an ambitious, an ambitious wizard, and I know you have a lot of enemies I have been keeping up with, you know.

Oh yeah, everyone's mad at me. The animal word, yes. Are there ghosts mad at me? Oh, I know they're just mad in general. I think they're more mad at Garina. Yeah, let's listen to it for a second. The ghosts. Whoa, I don't know if we have to do this.

I don't know if we have to do this. I don't know what I'm gonna be. Oh, come on over here. Boo. What are you people dressed? What are you people dressed? Boo. Boo. Not a regular boo though, like a boob.

Boo. Oh yeah, I get it. I get it, you guys. I'm not going anywhere. Look at my flaming, flaming bails of hay. It's still kind of sparkling. All right, I'm gonna cast another spell right after I put this torch behind my back.

You should've whispered that. Oh God, this is a disaster. And then slide over here towards the bails of hay. Okay, my robe's on fire. Oh. I'm not immortal anymore. Damn it! Houston, I'm...

Put me out! Oh. Put me out! This is hard to... Arnie, here, give me the laptop. I'm going to edit this out. No, I just put silly music behind it. Oh, no.

He's running around in this silly music behind it. I'm sorry, Artie. I pressed the wrong button. You, Sidor! I didn't want this to be this way. I just thought maybe I would say hello and how are you doing? And catch up with old friends. But Garina's bales of hair obviously have more potential. Look at the embers. I know, it's true. It's not, I would say, a blaze, but she also didn't have to jump into a horse's trough to put out the fire on her clothes like I had to do just now. It was ingenious of you. I'll give you that.

Yes. Yes, it was ingenious. A super smart move. I'm sorry you had to do it Yes, it was ingenious. Super smart move. I'm sorry you had to do it with a funny music played behind you. That's all right. I just, if you'd like to, you know, tell me some vows, if that would make you feel better,

then maybe you could be even with Karina and we could, you know, pretend like that happened. What? I mean, I don't really wanna say vows. I don't want to get in the really get in the middle of this thing. Is this turning into a thruffle? What? I didn't mean to make this about me. I apologize. It's been a difficult year. Gurm, I wish you all the luck in the world.

Garina, I think you have found a wonderful person to be a partner with, and I hope that you treat her with all the respect and dignity that she deserves and lift her up, even though you are a very important person. Oh, I'm so sorry. This rat, I didn't know it was in my dress. Ah. Get that out of there. What? What are you doing?

The rat with a wand in him inside a dress? The dress with a rat in it? So disrespectful. Oh, God. I'm sorry. I have to tell everyone something. Inside a dress? The dress with a rat in it? So disrespectful. Oh god, I'm sorry, I have to tell everyone something. Wiley and I used to be an item. Whoa, no way. I know, I didn't expect to run into you on my wedding day. Oh, well, Ysidor and I used to be an item too.

Sorry. I can obviously tell that. It's very obvious. Right. If we're all sharing stuff, one time at the castle, Arnie and I kissed for King Tom Bow and Bubba Buff. Yeah, as it was on the show. Oh. It was on the show.

Was it good? It was fine. It was okay. I give it like a six. Oh, out of what? Six out of sexy. Like 40? Oh. I'd give it like a six. Oh, out of what? Six out of sexy. I don't know, like 40? Oh.

I was gonna say out of 24 or something, but it's not that 24. Right, well, this is awkward. I just feel like I still have feelings for this rat. I'm sorry, Gurm. I'm not taking back the wedding, per se. I just, I don't know if my bales are gonna fully light a flame Sorry

Chunt honey. Mm-hmm. Sometimes you have to do something for other people I'm going to help set Karina's bales aflame gaily reflecting karma. Oh look, greener, they've caught on fire. Look how brightly they're burning. Oh wow.

It's meant to be. I've never seen it so, and the bails are so stable. What stable bails of hay are burning? Wow, I really hope a horse doesn't come up and try to eat this bale because... That happened to you? Did I tell you? You told me. Oh, Gareen I'm so relieved. I waited so long to get married and I never thought I would. Honestly I'd sworn it off. I said I'll be a professional podcaster But thank goodness. I didn't have to live that life Sure why that's a choice marriage or podcast

Oh look at that a big tug on the train. Oh No And there she goes. Oh, it like both are back Oh, and there she goes. Oh, it like both are back Shoulder that like me yanked it to avoid I know I felt like I was watching nope like Yanks, oh no They promised they wouldn't do this tonight. They said we'll at least wait till midnight. Well, guess what? It's not even it's not even nine o'clock. Hmm.

Well, how far away is that train? Might be midnight where they're at. Oh... yes. Time zones. Oh, well, yes, it did just change. All of the time just changed. Ah, from minutes to hours. Arnie, do they do that on Earth where they change

from minutes to hours sometimes? No, that sounds awful! Yes, it's really confusing. You know, for half the year we're on hours, then the other half of the year we're on minutes. Yeah, and there are certain zones you can stand in where there is no time. Time just kind of stands still. Sometimes you have to spring forward into minutes. Yeah, get yanked back. I really didn't want to schedule our wedding on a day that was near a time change, but these days it's always happening.

They're always doing the time changes. It must be because the wizards are angry. Well, if you'd like, I could use my great magical powers to send you to ever a green A's. No, that wouldn't be necessary. What would I do with a bunch of producers? Ha ha ha ha. Wiley, Wiley.

Huh. Where'd Wiley go? Where are the potatoes? I think Greener might have been holding him still. Do you guys mind if I sober up? It feels like everyone else sobered up real fast. I think I'm still drunk, but I just can't maintain an accent. I fell into a trough of water after being on fire.

That sobered me up like that. I just got so paranoid that I was the only one still drunk. No, I'm still drunk. Oh, OK. My voice just reverts back to this. Oh, I think I am still. I just don't have the hiccups anymore. Oh, no.

Well, Gern, why don't you stick around with us for just a minute or two longer? And for old time's sake, do you mind answering an around with us for just a minute or two longer and for old time's sake, do you mind answering an email with us? Oh, I would love that. I love the idea of emails. So listeners, you can email us at magictavern at puppies.supplies is the real email address or you can join the Patreon and message us there.

Here's one message we received recently. Hello, are Usidor's new armor pieces also covered in bird shit? Thanks, Zach. PS, thanks for the years of laughs. I will, I assume they're referring to the mystical armor of Bekla Gelig and Yaheem. Yes, when I found it in a mystical tomb, it had quite a bit of bird shit on it, but I scraped like half of it off. It's got a lot of scraped bird shit on it, but I scraped like half of it off. It's got a lot of scraped bird shit on it, like streaks. Yeah, it was 100% covered in bird shit when I found it.

Hmm, wow. Well, you know, as my old days as a makeup artist, I would have used that raw material as, you know, one of my makeup items. Oh yes, you could take that and make a sort of a foundation out of it to really whiten the face. Right, yes, or I would actually probably use it in someone's hair.

To achieve which effect? Oh, to make the hair a little PC. PC? Like, pieces. Oh, PC. PC? Like pieces. Oh PC. PC. I thought you were saying the initials PC. No, no, no. Piece-y. Piece-y. Yes, I see, I see. Or, um, you know, what else? Oh, you could put it under your nose to make it look like you had snot it a little bit. You know, make your face tell a story. Oh, make your face tell a story.

Oh, that would be my slogan if I went back to Crust Foundation. Maybe I will. I mean, you could. Nothing's stopping you, Gherm. You can do whatever you want. Corrina is an amazing person who's accomplished a lot in life. Everyone loves sweeter savory, but that doesn't mean you can't also accomplish things yourself. You're right, Ysidor. Thank you. Oh, I should come to you for advice more often. Yes, I'm like an older brother. Hehehe.

Haha. Yes. Anyway, uh, no... Guys, I hate to interrupt, but where'd the tavern go? Oh shit, it's running. The tavern is running away. We opened the windows. We opened the windows. The smoke woke it up.

All right, well, we gotta, Gern, it's so great to see you. We gotta catch our tavern. Bye, Gern. Okay, I should probably run in the direction of Garena. Yeah, it's so good to see you. I hope you're doing okay. I'm just so drunk. Good luck to you

in this marriage if that's what you want. Thank you. I'll miss you all terribly. Be good to yourself. Good girl. Okay. You should do podcasts again. Hey hey take this bowl. It's a nice bowl. Oh a wedding gift. A wedding gift! Oh, my first one! We eloped. Goodbye! Goodbye! Everyone hop on Centipede. Alright. Here we go! Run away, Tavern. Keep running and don't look back. Usable the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adel Raffae.

Gurmcrust and her fiancee, Garina, were both played by Mary Tilden. Mary performs with the improv team Devil's Daughter every Friday at eight at I.O. Chicago. Mary will also be doing standup at the Whistler's Chicago on May 25th at six p.m. as part of My Two Dads. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by an ancient machine

buried deep in the Earth's core. Also made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Chris Vyvaros, Isaac, Dave Ince, Miles Zaroni, Thomas Waldek, David Lazator, Scott the King of All the Snakes Clark… Uh, heads up Scott, I don't think that's something you can just declare. This isn't LinkedIn where you can just give yourself important titles and pray no one

fact checks you. When the Snakes have actually taken a vote, get back to me. Let's see. Brian R. Brendan McMahon, Mike Baird-Smith, Darren Posh Dog, Francis and Adrian Evans are patrons get ad-free episodes the entire back catalog including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the latest bonus episode where Arnie, Matt, and Adol play another listing game. Okay, uh... How many characters in MASH can you name by the character name?

Who do you want to start with? You got to start last time so aren't I'll go Ernie perfect. I'll say three Here's the thing I I know three I I don't think I know four But I don't want it I don't want to let you get away with three because then it feels like you also don't want me to be talking that much in this episode

so say like say like Eight and really make him yeah go higher make him work Ernie if I say four will you promise me? You'll say five. Yeah, and if you say five, I'll stop. Okay. Okay, I'll say four Go ahead and say four Arnie, what are we doing? This wasn't part of the deal. Someone... My master, I'm a, guys, I play three dimensional chess, so I'm really, that's why I'm really good at this game.

You 3D printed a checkers board, and you keep calling it three dimensional. You tried to give a scorpion a ride on your back, and this is what happens. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, You tried to give a scorpion a ride on your back and this is what happens. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young and Adol Rafai. Post production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the magic tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Are you tired of dating assholes? Do you want a Prince Charming? If so, we're filming a reality show. Sign up here. 12 American women have flown over to the UK

for a bachelor style reality dating show. There are so many questions about a show like this because it's so odd. These women have been told that they were going to be dating the world's most eligible bachelor, Prince Harry. What? Y'all playing with me, right? You can binge The Bachelor of Buckingham Palace exclusively on Wondry+. Join Wondry+, in Apple Podcasts or the Wondry app.