Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 90 - Fool (w/ Jonathan Coulton)

Episode Date: March 2, 2026

Phineas the Fool, the most famous court jester in Foon, is very serious when he's off the clock.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungPhineas the Fool: Jonathan CoultonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Have you ever wondered why we call French fries French fries, or why something is the greatest thing since sliced bread? There are answers to those questions. Everything Everywhere Daily is a podcast for curious people who want to learn more about the world around them. Every day you'll learn something new about things you never knew you didn't know. Subjects include history, science, geography, mathematics, and culture. If you're a curious person and want to learn more about the world you live in,

just subscribe to Everything Everywhere Daily wherever you cast your pod. The following podcast is not real. Well, I have been encouraged to inform you that there is now a pizza skull shirt available in the Magic Tavern Dashery Store. Link to the store in the show notes, which also features the I'm Moving to Foon shirt. No, you're not, you have no way of getting there. The get-n-nuts shirt and lots more.

Really, all the fashion equipment needed to convince anyone you might encounter that something is deeply off. So go get a shirt. But if you need a moment to think over that decision, only too understandable, then sit back and enjoy the show. Hello for the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of foon. I'm your host, Arnie Necamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nearly 11 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi. signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the strange familiar in the village of Nibble Bottom at the base of the unnameable mountain in the magical land of foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. Oh, yeah, baby. How you doing, buddy? Doing pretty good. How are you doing Cus? I'm doing all right, Cusons. That's right. We're cousins. That's right. We're cousins. I've been focusing on our friendship and ignoring our cousinship for a little while.

Yeah. The best ship for, well, not for sailing. Best ship for something. That's a boat ship. Oh, the best ship for sailing is a boat ship. A boat ship. That's what I would pick. Yes.

Arnie, here's what I'll do. Cousinship, that's the best ship for... And then we'll fill this in later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll record something later and we'll just drop it into the episode. Yeah, I'll insert full of ship later. We insert good jokes later, right? Yeah, yeah.

Someday. Arty. Yeah, we're going to... Once we get to 20 years, we're going to go in and put all the joke. We're going to refresh the whole run. Arnie, speaking of jokes, I have found all over this tavern, the strange familiar, I have found laughing, taffing jokes. Have you heard of these?

You seen these? Laughing taffing jokes? Have I heard of these? Have I seen these? Yeah, so it's little bits of candy. Well, they're not really candy. They're really inedible. But they're wrapped in this cloth.

On the cloth is written in the most delicate calligraphy, the most absurd jokes. Okay. Can I hear an example of one? Sure. Arnie, what's a vampire's favorite drink? Does it say my name on the thing? Yeah, it does. Oh, wow. Okay.

What's a vampire's favorite drink? Mm-hmm. Blood? It says water here. Huh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I think a joke's meaning is to, Uh, undermine expectation.

Okay. Well, let me hear another one. Because I think, you know, you might guess bloody Mary or blood, but I guess it's just water. Chunt. Yeah. Are you going to eat that? Um, no, it's an edible. Ooh, I heard a jaw crack.

Yeah. Oh, no. Usador. You, sir, I know you just broke your jaw, but do you want to read one of these laughing typing? Oh, sure. Oh, um, uh, what do you call a chicka? with a job. What do you call a chicken

with a job? Okay, Arnie, really think about this. There could be consequences. I'm so glad that it's not my job to come up with jokes because this seems hard. Yeah. I don't know you, sir. What do you call a chicken who has a job?

Mr. Bird. Because it's a formal title for the job he has. Oh, I see. Okay. All right. It isn't pretty good. Yeah. Usador, can you fix your face because I would also like to introduce

my other co-host, Usador in the Blue. I am Usador, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Phaeus. The elves, nomius,

Fianelch, Fianelch, and I am known throughout the northeaster's Gasmuenius Maystar, and there may be other secret names, names of such great power important, that if I did air, speak but one aloud. Most assuredly, the seas would boil.

The lands would boil. The air would boil. The lands would boil. What else is there? I got seas. Rivers would boil. Lakes would boil them. Ooh, you've ever had a real good river boil, Arnie?

No. Sounds delicious. Oh, you throw some corn in there? It's great. In the river. Yeah. Yeah, you put some imps in there, some corn. What else?

Some mushrooms. A couple of noms. Oh, yeah. Mix it all up. And then you just like sip up the river? Oh, yeah. Guys, don't look. What?

Okay. But you got to tell us where not to look. Should I just close my eyes? Don't look. Or should I look everywhere? Should I grow more eyes? Don't look at my, sundial. Let's see.

Don't look at my afternoon. Don't look at your afternoon. Is that a euphemism? Don't look at Chunt's afternoon. Well, it is an answer to one of these laughing tappings, but that's not the point. Is that guy staring at us? Oh. That guy?

Yeah. That guy over by the bar? Yeah, the guy at the bar, but don't look. Chunt. Yeah? I glanced. Okay. I didn't look.

I glanced. Good, good. I also, I full on looked, I realized. Arnie. Well, he's coming over. He's coming over. I know what it is. I know it's, uh, pardon me.

Uh, I don't mean to, I know you're probably just going about your day and you don't want to be bothered. but um yeah yeah i'm sorry but aren't you phineas the fool hi yeah yeah i am hey thanks so much for being a fan i really appreciate it but i'm right now i'm just kind of i was just looking to get a joint of mutton and a couple of flagons and yes of not really well please join us at this table and we're thanks for being a fan i really appreciate it oh no no but we're actually doing our own show we do a little show here uh really yes uh and uh this is arnold he's from another world. It's Arnie. Yeah, I'm from another world.

Arnie. Another world. I'll accept that without asking any questions. That's fine. Yes, well, and this is Chunt. He's a badger who used to be a shape shifter. Yeah, I see that. It's nice to meet you, Chunt, the badger. How are you? Good. Nice to meet you. You said you want a joint of

mutton? Yeah, is that, do they serve that here? I mean, we can scrunch up. You just look like someone who only eats beef. I don't know how to take that exactly. I mean, I used usually eat beef, but sometimes I like mutton for a change of pace. Well, please have a seat and join us here. I am Yusinol the Blue, one of the great wizards of this world. And I beg of thee, please sup and drink with us. I shall bring you a flagon of mead.

Arnold, would you like a flagon of mead? Sure, yeah. I'll have a beef joint. What was it again? A beef joint for Arnie. A mutton. I'm having mutton. You can have beef if you want, but the mutton here probably pretty good. Oh, oh, the mutton is outstanding. Would you like mint june? jelly with it? No, no. I don't like to mix sweet and savory. Oh, okay. Chunt,

what would you like? I'll take a beef bong. Yep. Be right back. I'm so sorry. You said your name was Phineas the fool? Finius the fool, yeah, that's right. I've been a fool for a long time. Jester, fool. Oh. All right. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's a living.

As I say, I'm off duty right now. I'm just taking a little break from it. Yeah, I was going to say. Pretty good. Yeah, I was going to say you're a serious-looking dude. Yeah. Well, when I'm on stage, it's a, I mean, there's a little me in there, but it's mostly a character that I'm doing.

Some people don't know that, but it's not just me who's up there. I'm doing a little bit of it. That's great. I love that. I'm actually not telling jokes right now. Oh, it's awesome. Yeah, what? That's awesome.

No. I'm sorry. I'm sure you're great. Maybe you're doing stuff that I'm not getting. You know, sometimes if you're. like really famous like you'll just like vibe off of that at the beginning of your performance and you don't really have to be funny i'm really not doing any jokes right now i don't know what what this badger is doing are you all right hell yeah it's so good am i all right

yeah are you did you already have a beef bong i'm like what's going on maybe maybe maybe i just said the vicinity that's so good uh here we are mutton uh mutton uh thank you Thank you. Beef joint for you, Arnie. Flaggants of meat for everyone. And of course, for you, Chunt. Beefbong. Thank you so much.

This, ah, you sort of this guy was just cracking some jokes. Oh, I'm sure. He's so funny. Finney, I have to admit, I have seen you on over 600 separate occasions. 600 separate occasions. You must get to court a lot. Well, the wonderful thing about being a wizard is I can just disappear like this. Oh.

Oh. And then reappear. Oh. Oh, sorry, I reappeared while you were talking. Equally surprising. Yeah. No, no. I...

Could you hear me while you were gone? I don't know. No, that's the problem with disappearing is when you don't exactly know when to reappear. Yeah, that's how now. You can never perfectly time the reappearance. There's just no way. Yeah, because we just disappear. And then, yeah.

Is he... Is he going to... You know he's in some never... You know, he's in some never... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's hard.

That's hard. I do a little magic myself sometimes. Oh, I know, I know. I mean, but Arnie here from another world probably hasn't seen any of it. Would you mind if I hate to impose, but would you mind? Yeah, do a magic trick right now?

I mean, I would be over the moon. All right, I'm going to make this piece of roast potato disappear into my mouth. Okay. Okay. Chewing it, all right. As I say, I'm off duty and I don't really... Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, I get it. Yeah. I thought they were going to eat these potatoes and this mutton and... Where'd the potatoes go? Yeah, I ate them. He ate them. Chunt. That was really easy.

That was not the prestige. Well, it was at least an illusionist. I always get those two confused. Which one made me angrier? What are we talking about prestige and the illusionist? What are these plays or... Some friends of all. We know some magicians, not wizards born like I am innate with magic.

Of course, everyone else has to learn magic, and wizards such as myself are just born with magic. We know the prestige. We know the illusionist. They did a double act for a while, then they really got into a bad fight. Now, your friend, the prestige, he's the one that's like that huge jacked man, right? Yeah, the huge jacked man. He was the prestige. That's correct.

And the illusionist was the one. it was a bail of hay? Was that the same one? Hard to say. No one really remembers the illusionist very well. All of those magicians kind of run together for me, to be honest. I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't say that to the face, but I... No, no, no, I never would. I respect the craft. Yes, very good. Speaking of craft, Phineas, tell us about this hat you have on. Yeah, this hat, I really should have taken this off if I wanted to be less recognized. I realize that now.

That's a mistake. I've been wearing it for so long that I forget that it's there. But you can see when I move my head. You can hear it jingling. Oh, that's good. That's pleasing. Yeah, because it has many,

I guess these are called corns. It's a multi-corn hat and it has bells on the end of each corn. It's to look foolish and funny and sort of create entertainment, a sort of baseline of entertainment. Well, there's sort of a, yes, it kind of gives you a,

musical quality all the time that you can't get away from. It's very becoming. As a comedian, I'm sort of music adjacent, I guess you could say. Oh, interesting. You don't look at it. What's under your hat is like two feral cats or something?

Fighting? No, it's just a hat with bells. Look, see when I shake it, it jingles. It's funny. Most people find that funny, but you didn't find that funny? I diggled. You found everything else funny, and you didn't find that part funny? You can't buy funny.

this guy just bought a hat. I'm not going to laugh at a purchased item. Yeah, you know, it's not just the hat, though. I mean, I have the hat, but I've also put in literally decades of entertaining people in various royal courts throughout the land. So it's, I mean, there's a lot behind this hat. I mean, yeah, I need the hat because it's my job. But I also, I'm funny. That goes without question.

Chutton, don't question him. I saw you once at the court of Albain Bellaroth. I mean, this must have been, I don't know, a long time ago. Long time ago, maybe 20 years ago, yeah. Yes, and you fell directly into a vat of pudding? Yeah, that was funny. I fell in, yeah. Bauer off was kind of obsessed with me falling into food.

I fell into mashed potatoes for him. I fell into soup, pudding, of course. You know, I mean, it was, it paid well, but honestly it gets a little tiresome when you have that kind of that level of focus on one joke over and over again. I like to do a lot of crowd work and sort of stay loose and like I don't want to come up

I don't want to be one of these catchphrase guys. Oh, oh, certainly not. That seems awful to be stuck with a catchphrase. How dare you to suggest that someone do something like that? Or like, you know, do jokes with your shirt off or something with your tunic, you know, like off. Yes, indeed. I like your later stuff too.

When you started really, you know, kind of really razzing the people in the crowd and like, you know, but making them feel like they're part of it. Not like you're making fun of them, not at their expense. Yeah. You know, the thing is that you can't, you can't do that with everybody. I mean, honestly, like, you know, the king, you don't, you don't really want to make fun of the king. So when you sort of have to turn it a little bit, you know, if I were, you have to flatter them a little bit. So you could do, you could do something like, you know.

Oh, this roast chicken is as big as the king's Hm-hmm. Right. And so that joke works in a couple of different ways, obviously. Because you don't know what the mm-hmm is exactly. No, you don't. I mean, you can guess what it is, but you don't know what it is. Orny, can you guess what it is?

Yeah, Ani, would you be able to guess being from another world? Would you be able to guess what who was? Well, let's see. Usually when I hear a sound effect, referring to a body part. I usually think it's like a penis. But I don't, yeah, but you're probably trying to compliment the king, so I'm going to say

penis or balls. Penis or balls is correct. It could be either penicer. I mean, I was thinking penis, but it works whether it's penis or balls. Yeah. But, but, it also works on another. It's not the butt.

It's the penis or the balls. Or butt. If I said it's as big as the king's butt, I'm going to get canceled. And I think you know what I mean when I say. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Really canceled. penis or balls. Yeah, they'll cut your head right off. Or your penis or your balls. Maybe both. Yeah. But you know what? Sometimes when you get canceled, when you get your head completely cut off, there's some people that will still platform you. They'll still, like, put you on a spike. And it's like, you're not fully canceled.

People can still see your head. You know what drives me crazy, though, is that, I mean, let's say you do get canceled and you do have your head removed. Is there any approved way for you to come back and start performing again, or is it just that's it? You know, is there anything you can do to overcome that, or it's just over?

Are you allowed to get another body again or is that just off the table? Yeah, I don't know. There's no rules. Everybody's sort of making it up as they go along, you know. I mean, you could try apologizing, but of course you don't have lungs. Or a head. I mean, depending on where. I guess depending on the body.

If you are in the head, I don't know. That's a great question. Ani, are you in the body or in the head? God, I hope I'm not in the body. I hope I'm my head. I prefer my head. I prefer my head. I think of myself as my head.

and I just, you know, put up with my body. Interesting. Yeah, it's interesting. I mean, pizza skull would make me think that you're mostly in your head since he's a giant floating skull made of pizza. Yeah. But soup legs. Remember soup legs?

We met that guy? We did meet soup legs. That's true. Arnie, didn't you say there was a man on earth who froze his head? Well, I'm sure there are several, but probably the most famous is Walt Disney. Walt Disney. Is a Walt like a count? or a duke oh that's a good question

no i i think that his name is walt just walter disney i've never really thought about it before but he does rule over a magic kingdom that's weird because i worked for a king disney for a while i wonder if there's oh how is that working i've heard i've heard mixed things about working for king disney i mean listen it was a lot of fun it was a lot of fun it was a well-run kingdom everything was very clean there were a lot of rules though you know yeah i

just recently spent some time reading about King Disney and his legacy and it just turns out a lot of the things he made was sort of about rebellion and resistance and then he ultimately didn't like

that so much. Yeah. Interesting. I heard that his security detail, if you worked for security, you couldn't say you were security. You have to say a friend of mine is security. Isn't that interesting? Yeah, it is interesting. Yeah.

Well, we should take a quick break. And then we'll be back with more from the incredible Phineas the Fool. And maybe we'll even get him to do his act. Oh, yes, yes, yes. So Phineas the Fool, I guess I ethically should tell you, we are recording this conversation. This is something called a podcast. And on my world, like 90% of all podcasts are people interviewing like the same dozen comedians.

So I'm really excited to break into that format by, interviewing you about your process, if you'd be willing to talk about it at all? Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. That's not really working. Sure, yeah. I'm proud of what I do. So, sure, I'll be happy to talk about it, yeah. Okay. So you mentioned before, like, falling into food. Yeah. And I know that's not your favorite work. That's not, that doesn't define you. But do you get to pick the food or does the king pick the food? No, I wish I got to pick the food. I mean, I would love to just fall into like a plate of Brussels sprouts, right?

because that's a lot. That's a lot easier. But I suppose it's not funny. I suppose that's the problem. And, you know, you're really at the mercy of the king. And obviously, they're going to pick the grossest, wettest food for you. So it's always something gooey, mashed potatoes or frosting or something. I haven't had a million cakes in the guys.

Sorry. Sorry. We're just talking about my process. Yeah, yeah. No, of course. That a lot of cakes in the face and that sort of thing. Pies in the face. maybe we should move on to a different question.

Okay, sure. No, I'm sorry, please, please, go ahead. How did you get into fooling? Is that what's called? Like, how did you grow up foolish? Was your dad a fool? I guess I've always been a fool. And, you know, I would do something or say something at home.

And my father would say, get out of here, you fool. And I guess it just sort of stuck. You know, I just realized I had a talent and I just ran with it. You know, you start in smaller places with a Duke or an Earl or a Viscount. Oh, wow, yeah. Or is it Viscount? Do they say Viscount? I honestly, I don't know how that's pronounced.

I always say Viscount. I like to confuse people and remind them that. That's silent. Probably is Viscount, but I had a moment of panic when I said it, and I wasn't sure if that was how you said it. Panic not, friend. Just relax and enjoy your time here being interviewed by Awny and ignore that vat of lemon occurred behind you. Yeah, I clocked that.

I clocked that earlier. I don't, listen. I mean, I like to perform, but as I say, off-duty, take a little break. Sure, sure, yeah, of course. Sure, sure. So when you get your start, you're playing for, like, earls or Viscounts or Dukes. You know, you're playing those small courts. Ah, awning, it's pronounced Viscount.

Viscount? Yeah. Okay. So when you're doing, you're working for Earls and Dukes and those others. Viscounts. Bycounts. Like is it tougher working for like a small crowd or or is there something pure about it? Like you're just really about the jesting in that early stage.

Yeah, I mean that that's the, it is pure jest. I mean, you, because, you know, you get a bigger crowd and you can get lost in the room. Some of these castles are huge. But a small space, usually a Viscount, am I saying that correctly? Viscount is going to be in some sort of basement. basement dwelling. They don't have a ton of money. They got six or seven rocks.

They pile it up into a house, and that's where they live, you know. So it's a much closer, much a closer space, a much more intimate audience. And it's true, I just sort of miss those days. Oh, but you've had such a successful career

working such large courts. I'd say that you're, I'd say you're able to do infinite jest. Yeah, that's, I probably could do infinite jest if I, if I, if I had the time. Yeah. We all could do infinite jest.

We could. It's on the shelf. Yeah. We all intend to eventually do infinite jest. I appreciate it. I don't have to actually do it. Yeah, yeah. To appreciate it and understand it.

Yeah. One day I'll figure out the rainbow's gravity as well. Who knows? Chunt, you shouldn't do that. Oh, why not? It'll crush you. Really? If you get messed up with a rainbow real good and you get in into its gravitational pull.

If lepricons can do it. Well, because they're very special magical creatures, and you're a very special magical creature too, but in a very different way. Rainbows are deadly. I've been telling everyone this. This is my new thing. Everyone, listeners back on Earth,

rainbows are deadly. Avoid them at all costs. You'll be crushed to death. Is it specifically the gravity involved with the rainbow? Oh, yeah, the rainbow's gravity is deadly. They're beautiful and they're wonderful, and they're a gift from the goddesses, but don't get caught in their gravitational pull.

You'll get smashed to bits. They're not made of light. They are made of light. but they're also a little bit a little bit fussy and if you get too close to them they'll just pull you right in

they don't give a shit right yes they're a little bit fussy that's the scientific way to explain it I think Phineas have you heard the story of Pagladoucci Pagliducci

the hilarious clown Yes he was a hilarious clown Arnie do you know Pagladucci hilarious clown he went to a doctor because he was depressed and wait, hold on. I ruined the story. No, I know.

No, I ruined the story. He was a sad clown, I think. He was a sad clown, and he went to a doctor and he goes, I'm so sad. And the doctor goes, go see the great clown Pagladoucci. And when you say go see Pagladoucci, the doctor didn't know that this clown was Pagladoci. The doctor didn't know. The doctor was a woman. That's right.

Oh, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And we've had very forgetful. And so, and Pagleducci said, but doctor, I hate Pagladoucci. And the doctor said like, oh, yeah, I've heard mixed. And then Pagliudu Ducci was like, you misunderstand. I am Pagli Ducci. I hate myself.

Wow. And so it's sort of a lesson, Arnie, that clowns can also feel. Oh. Chant, I thought you were telling a joke. So did I, Fidio. So did I. I was going to say that you did a terrible job because it wasn't very funny. It was actually a very sad story.

Yeah. But now I know you were just telling a sad story. And now thanks for doing the opposite of entertaining us, I guess. Oh, thank you so much. Well, but everything is context. I mean, in certain contexts, that might be a very funny story. Like, as you were saying earlier, if you fell into a plate of Brussels sprouts, knowing your entire history of falling into so many other types of food,

it would be very funny to me because I'd be like, oh, he's riffing on that thing where he used to fall into pudding all the time. Right, subverting expectations. Exactly. Oh, like laughing taffing. Sort of a med... What is that? Oh, it's this inedible candy called Laughing Taffing.

They had these just sort of... It's sort of like anti-humor. Huh. It's anti-humor candy? It's sort of like... Do you know Time and Eric? The clock... It's like a magical clock and a really tall guy.

I know Mark and Ark. Do you know those guys? Have you ever eaten a snackers? Snackers. Yeah. That sounds like that. It's a candy. It's a candy confection that I had in the, where was I? Oh, I was in the court of the chiffonauts. Do you know the chiffonauts? Oh, yes. Oh, yes, the chiffinods. Very, very impressive. Very well dressed. Very well dressed. A lot of money. Really opulent affairs. And there's a lot of candy and they had these amazing candy. They were like bar-shaped pieces of candy. They were called Snackers.

Oh, Arnie, this sounds like a Snickers. We do have a candy on my world called Snickers That Chun always thinks of as Snikers But Snackers sounds like it's more of a snack candy It's a candy and a snack, I guess I mean maybe that's why you got so confused, Chunt, about the Snickers so long ago Because we'd heard of snackers

It's called Snickers and you say Snikers Snickers? I always say Snickers But it's sort of a Viscount I was going to say it reminds me Let's call the whole thing off That's a joke Now I just told a joke.

Arnie, do you have fools on Earth? Well, yes, we do broadly. But we, you know, we don't really elevate, we don't really celebrate fools on my world. We do have people who tell jokes. They can get quite famous, like, sort of performing jokes. I don't know if we have as many people who get shoved into vats of pudding.

I'm sure it would do quite well, actually, on my world. I just wonder, like, Then is the show done? Like, do you just like, you're like, well, I did the pudding? You don't want to open with just falling into pudding? Because then you have to say, excuse me, I need to change my clothes. Pardon me, I shall return momentarily. Yes, yes.

That's how I would deliver it if I was going to deliver it for real friends. That's very funny. Now, how much of your act is just you being humiliated by the king? Do you ever get to, like, humiliate others on behalf of the king? I mean, I try to. I try to. I mean, the nice thing about being a gesture is I'm in a little bit of a position of power. I can say things to the king that other people couldn't say or that would make him mad.

And as you said, you said, it's about context, you know, so. Yes. So, you know, I could say, you know, oh, your majesty, your son is so he fell from. the castle wall. I mean, I would put it in terms of a joke. I couldn't think of a joke just then, but I would put it in terms of a joke. I could say that to the king, deliver the bad news, and it's sort of

a safe bubble. The comedy keeps me safe. Oh, I see. You're kind of a truth teller, it sounds like. Yeah, I speak truth to power. That's part of my job. It's wonderful. Has it ever made a difference? Like, has it ever changed anything a king has ever done? All the time. Constantly. No, if there's a bad king,

if there's a bad king, and the bad king is doing terrible things, to his people and the right person tells the right joke it'll completely change his mind Wow It happens all the time I love that

You'll say a thing And the king will suddenly realize He's been wrong all this time And you'll get one of these Oh a slow clap A slow clap And then the king will stand And then the rest of the crowd will stand

And then the clap will get louder and louder And then the king is good to all the people Oh just like ready Ernie, we tell you about ruddy? No. There's a peasant who was just real gross, covered in pig shit and mudded, just real ruddy, real rundown. And he never got to go into town. And then one time the town was up by so many points.

They put him in the town. Wait, the town was up by so many points? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in the middle of a joke. Town points. Okay. And the whole town. Let him tell the story.

The whole town carried him off on his shoulders. Or were they competing with another town? Let him tell the story. Yes, Arnie. Do you think towns don't compete with each other? Wake up, man. Wait, wait, hold on, we're currently in Nibblebottom. How are we doing?

We have a six. We're down by 20. Fuck. Because somebody won't compete, Arnie. Wait, is this about me because I am kind of ready, if I'm being honest. I'm not sure, but I am ready. I got to clean myself up. We'll clean yourself up and we'll get out there and try and win the town, but it might be too far behind.

But let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with more. Finius, the Fool. Phineas, take us to break with a joke. How many... How many podcasts does it take? Now, Phineas, I... I want to respect your space and your privacy, but I want to thank you for the time that you've offered to us

to spend some time being interviewed. Sure. But I understand that you're on vacation. I am, that's right. What is it that a fool does in their time off? Like, what's exciting and interesting to you right now? I'll be honest, I'm doing a little research. Well, because the industry has really changed a lot.

You know, I've been in this game a long time, and I know how I do it. But there are a lot of guys, younger guys, who are doing, it's all about short form now. They're doing these really short nuggets, much lower production value. Sometimes they don't even wear a costume. They don't even have one of these hats. They don't even have the hat. Some of these guys just stick their finger into a pudding. That's right.

Wow. It's a stand-in, but it does, you know, it's not, obviously it's easier to do. You can stick a finger in the pudding, and then you can go to somebody else's house, stick a different finger in the pudding, go to another house, stick to different. And you can do it on a sort of bigger scale, but it's not, it doesn't have the same impact as a whole body falling into the pudding. So anyway, I'm trying to figure that out. You know, I'm getting little over the hill. I don't know if I want to keep doing this the way I'm doing it. If I can just get a finger in a pudding instead of the whole body,

maybe that's the way to go. I don't push that fat up a little bit. I guess I could see maybe just seeing a finger in a pudding wouldn't be satisfying. But if there was some way I could just very quickly watch a hundred different fools put a finger in a pudding and then the next fool put a finger in something else, I could see that being good. But that takes a lot of fools. What I've been thinking is that there might be something too.

this this maybe is a business is what you could do is go around and see what kinds of small amounts of comedy people like and then go and find other people so if i find out you like fingers and pudding i can say all right here's a guy who puts a finger in pudding here's another guy who puts a finger in a pudding and sort of bring them all to you yeah although it's just we're talking hypothetically here i don't want to i don't want to be the finger guy i don't want to be the guy that's really sure no arnie no judge i get it i get it no jill you love it you love it i'm not i'm not you love fingers. It could be like a, you know, sort of corral them all together,

and it could be like the sort of kings of fingers or whatever. The things of comedy or something. The things, yeah, that's not bad. That's not bad. Arnie, it used to be before all these finger and the pudding guys sort of came along and they're sort of like a mumble mouth jokes. Used to be there was Coliseum Comics, Arnie, where a comic

would get on stage and get an arrow shot through his head and go, oh, excuse me? and then die. And it was unbelievable. It was so funny. Really funny. To see a guy get an arrow straight through the head.

And it's that kind of commitment to the bit that these young cats aren't really doing anymore. Yeah. He's really killing. It's crazy. When you think about it, one of them will be like, I'm going to put my finger into a blueberry pie. And then, like, a thousand others just put their finger to blueberry pie. They're just copying what the first one did. Yeah.

What are we doing here? I'm actually headed to the Finger Pie Festival. Oh. Oh. Just for laughs or? Well, just to see, just to check out the scene. Five pie fest? That's right, yeah.

I'm a little bit jealous. I mean, I know I was kind of like talking trash, but Phi Pi Fest is probably pretty fun, I'd imagine. It's, yeah, it's Phi Pi, it's Phi-Pi-19. They've been doing it a long time. Oh, wow. But now, isn't there this new festival that's a little controversial that people don't want gestures to go to? Yeah, what the hell was that? It's a little controversial.

Did I say that, right? All right. Viscount? Remember, discount Viscount. Discount. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah.

That doesn't help. I remember because it doesn't rhyme with discount. Right. But isn't there that festival that a lot of really famous fools are going to, but the king is really bad and everyone's like, oh, no, no, you guys are fool washing that kingdom. And that's just like, and they're getting paid really well to do it, But people are just really disappointed in these fools.

Oh, but Ani, were you not listening earlier? As soon as they say something about the king doing something bad, he'll be good. That's true. That's true. You've got to do it. In fact, why would you ever do a show for a good person? You'd got to go perform for the worst. That's welcome to my life.

Now you know why I'm taking a little break. I'm so glad this is the real world and not something just magical and fantastical. Me too. Phinez mentioned you might be doing some sort of crowd work. How does sort of crowdwork go for a fool? Well, so you start with something where you say, you'd say, well, this is how I would do it. I would say, hello, sir, you seem to be, you seem to be a badger of some sort. What is your name and where are you from?

Arnie, he's talking to you. He's talking about you. You're part of the show. He's talking to you. Oh, hi, my name is Chunt, and I'm from, um, uh, I'm, uh, I'm, um, uh, I'm, I'm from... You gotta make it about yourself more. Get aggressive for no real reason. I'm from...

Say it, don't spray it. Oh. What the fuck? And then I would move on to the next person. Oh, oh, oh, do me, to me, to me. Sir, what... What is your name and what do you do for a living? My name is Yusadour,

Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, the power of chaos, champion of the great halls of drachus. The elves, Nomius Fienachianak. Okay. We get it. We get it.

You do? Yeah. What? Oh, that's awesome. Oh, I see. It's a pretty sick burn. That's what I do. Sick burn.

People like to see that. People like to see sick burns on stage. Yeah, Arnie, people love when the fool asks someone for something and then cuts them off. Yes. We love that. That's what you do. That's what you do. Again, it's subverting expectations.

I don't know what else you would do with me. though, I am a wizard here in my blue cloak and my long gray beard. What kind of magic do you do, sir? Well, I manipulate all sorts of lights and shadows to create the most incredible

magical wonders you've ever seen. Can you manipulate the snackers bar into my mouth? Oh, shit. She's coming on to you. Sir? Yeah, here you go. Sorry, I was getting a vibe. Did I go in the wrong direction?

Oh, no. Okay. Oh, interesting. It's got to be lonely on the road. It is, yeah. And it sounds like you're quite famous, so it's probably hard just to have, like, a sincere conversation with anybody.

It is. I've really, I got to say, I was a little worried when you guys recognized me, but I've had a, had a lovely time hanging out with you and just talking about, you know, talking about the real me, you know? Thank you, Phineas.

That's wonderful. You've had a little bit of you. You sort of put you that fat over. I just loved it. And, you know, while we're on this kind of cozy, getting to know each other as real people vibe, I was just hoping you could sign these 600 programs from all the shows I've seen that you've done. Yeah, is that going to be a blue marker and you're just going to sell it at the marketplace? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, these are for me, from my personal collection.

I'm a huge fan. Okay, so I should make them all out to Usador? Ah, you say to my friend. Mm-hmm. To my friend Usador? I'll just sign specifically the name Usador on each one. I don't know if you need to do that. Just because then you'd have to write the whole thing.

You know, use it or... Money you give me one. Let's just do one. Why don't I just do one? Okay, there's one. There's one. Here you go. Thank you. Oh, the fool.

Thank you. That's so nice. I could probably forge that. Sorry? What? I thought you said something. No. Phineas, before you go, would you mind... I'm so sorry to ask this.

there's sort of a painting up there, sort of a magical painting. It just kind of keeps moving. Would you mind climbing up this ladder and just sort of straightening the painting? Yeah. Just climb up this ladder? Yeah, just look a little unstable.

Not my expertise. I'm not really a... Okay, let me see. Okay. And there, is it straight now? Not quite. Just get up on your tippy toes. I got to lean out a little bit to make it...

Okay. Just do this a little bit. Oh! Oh! Oh! No! Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'm covered in lemon curd. Yes, I did. Oh, Arnie, he landed right on his... I mean, I... He landed on either his penis or his balls, yeah. That make you guys happy? Oh, yes. I just have to say it was so organic that I enjoyed it just tremendously.

It felt very organic. It was just one of those things that just naturally happened in the course of events of today. That's what makes it funny. It's just a natural thing. that just happened. Yeah. I have to confess, I found it funny too.

I hope it wasn't too bad for you, but it was funny. I mean, this hat cost me 50 pieces of silver, so. Fancy pieces of silver for that. It's a really nice hat. It is.

Like, can you clean that hat? No, I have to throw it away. Oh. Oh. Oh, I feel bad about that. No, that's all right. Anything to entertain you guys. But today you've entertained

to wizard. And what if I cast a magical cleaning spell to just clean you from head to toe? That would be fantastic. Eroftra. Castellatah, a tron to theracan. Oh, wow. Now I feel too clean in some ways.

Oh, yeah. You're bright. It's kind of hard to look at you right now. Shini as hell. Rubbed raw. The wind is sort of blowing past your asshole and whistling. Well, Finnis, thank you for being open with your time with us. And I just sort of feel bad that now to other people in the tavern

saw you fall into something for us. Clearly everyone else is lining up to get you to fall into something for them. Yeah, I kind of have to get out of here. I can't stay at this place. This place isn't safe. But I'll move on to the next tavern, the next town is what I do.

And maybe I'll use it or maybe I'll see you at Phi Pi. Oh, I'll see you at Phi Pi 19 for sure. Okay, great. Bye, Phineas. Bye. Goodbye, Phineas. Goodbye, Phineas. He can't see me waving.

Let me clear up this ladder so you can see me waving. Here's our careful. Oh, I moved the vat. My coxics. But to be honest, you, Sador, if you had fallen into, it wouldn't have been funny because you're not a professional. And you saw you could have broken your coxics or your ball six. Yeah. I think I got both.

Be careful. You almost re-armed yourself. To the younger members of our listening audience, don't try any of this at home. And by that I mean hosting a podcast. Usadol the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Addle Rify. Finnis the Fool was played by special guest Jonathan Colton. Jonathan is an incredible musician.

And we'll be touring with Amy Mann this February and March. Also, if you get the chance, we highly recommend the Joko Cruise. Jonathan's yearly cruise dedicated to music, comedy, and games. Joko Cruise 2026 is sold out, but already on sale, the next cruise will happen February 20th to 27th in the year 2027. Hello for the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus, creating the brackets for this year's March Magic. The hosts make up a bunch of magic users,

and the Patreon supporters spend all March voting on that foolishness. Here's a clip. Number one with an arrow. It's got to be... Arnie, I'm so sorry you're hearing about it this way. It's got to be Marnie Pee Pants. What? Of course, this is a few years ago.

Yusador and I concocted a plan to make a woman who looked exactly like you. Oh, right. That you might mate with so that if you ever left, we would at least have your offspring. Her name is Marnie Pants. She went clinically insane. Clinically insane. I say clinically because I don't like to call women crazy.

But she is clinically crazy strong. And she, I think she could hold her own in this competition. Marnie Pants. Okay. Marnie Pants, Ms. Frizzle. Oh, God. So far, I think. I think, I think my.

Uh, mine is definitely going to be... Wait, wait, hold on. I'm sorry, I do need to spend at least a second more learning about Marnie Pee Pants. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, and voting on the March Magic Brackets, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adder Rify.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Garrett Shultz. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Label. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.