Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 91 - Eleven Years

Episode Date: March 9, 2026

We celebrate 11 years of the show and prepare for the coming battle with the wizards.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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podcast in a fake and don't try to move their dimension is not real. But it has been going for 11 years. That's all the grandeur of 10 years, plus all the not knowing when to quit of one extra year. And with the entire episode revolving around the number 11, you gotta appreciate the hosts waiting the perfect amount of time to miss all of the Stranger Things finale buzz. You can't teach that kind of media savvy. Now sit back and enjoy the show. the magic tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. 11 years ago, almost exactly, 11 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal

through the dimensional Rift, and I use that to record a podcast, currently recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, and the town of Nibblebott. at the base of the unnameable mountain in the magical land of Foon. And I am joined on this special occasion celebrating 11 years of this podcast by my co-host, my good bud, Chunt the Talking Banjar. Aw, yeah, baby.

Hey, buddy, how you doing? Doing good, 11 years. This is, this is nuts. I know, it's not as special as 10 years. Sure. But 11 is, it's still something. Yeah, it's our first. Um, double digit

where the digits are twins. It's our first double digit where the digits are twins. It's what everybody's saying. Digit twins. Is that? Yeah. Do you have that term on earth? Digit twins? Yeah. Huh. I mean, maybe like two people

have the same phone number. Would that be digit twins? Phone number? Oh, boy. Oh, no. I don't want to explain any of these things. Is it the amount of phones you have? No, it's the way you contact people. Look, there's so many people on my world. Like there's a fair number of people in Foon, but in my world, there are

so many people that to communicate with them, there has to be like a long number to contact them. It's like your address, but for your phone. Oh, Arnie, for an example, can you just give me yours? My phone number? Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, it's 8675309. Okay. Arnie, I know what we have to do. Yes. We have to set up a phone number so that listeners can call us Leave us a voicemail. Uh-huh. Let us know why they deserve to come to food or to scream at us. And then we can listen to those.

Chunt, I actually do love that idea. It would just take a little bit of work and follow-through, and I'm not sure that any of this are capable of that. Never mind. I'm fine. Speaking of someone that will sometimes do some amount of work and follow-through, here's my other co-host, Yusidore the Wizard. Oh, happy Leavenversary, happy Leavenversary, happy Leavenversary, happy-havenversary,

Happy 11thversary Woo Oh, you Siddhar Yes, well, it's our 11th anniversary A mystical and powerful number Because you know one is the loneliest number But now one has a mate And when they mate

The offspring of that number Shall be the greatest of all Digit twins Wait, hold on, are you saying that these digit twins are mating as well That can't be right It's not like an incestuous thing I didn't say no, no, no, no, no, no

Arnie, it's actually beautiful. When 11 has, you know, sex. They produce a 2. A 1 and a 1 produce a 2. Isn't that beautiful? Now, if a 2 and a 2 get together at 22, they produce a 4. I know this is pretty mind-boggling. I don't expect you to comprehend this, Arnie,

but it is one of the most beautiful things in nature. But if a 4 and a 4 get together, do they get right into it or do they kind of like warm each other up in any way? Arnie, a four and a four, never get together. Never? Nope. So there's no foreplay whatsoever. That I love this.

I am just excited that we can finally start saying at the beginning of every episode, Hello from the Magic Tavern, now in our 11th year. Now with foreplay. And Usador, I am thrilled that you wore your party robes. I don't think I've ever seen you dust them off. Oh, yes. These are my formal dress party robes. You can tell because of how many black.

ties I'm wearing. Ooh, what is that velvet? It's part of its velvet. Part of it is a crushed skunk. Ooh. Getting crunk. That explains the smell. Yeah.

No, that's a different smell. I cleaned the skunk very thoroughly. And then on the way here today, I had a little accident. Oh, no. Oh, you sat on your skunk, right? I sat on a different skunk. Oh. Yeah.

And then I smashed three birds between my mighty hands. I put them outwards, I clap them together, and I smashed them, and then I cooked them so that we'd all have our own quail dinner at this very fancy party this evening. Here you are. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Maybe it's just the party atmosphere is confusing me. You, you, you.

Me. Kill birds. You. Yeah, of course. I love birds. Okay. Yeah, they're delicious. I just, I thought you, I thought you, I thought,

you kind of, you know, stood up for the little birds. Oh, I do. I do, unless I'm hungry. You know, it's sort of like people who like love dogs. But eat them? Think they're delicious? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's like people who love dogs, they have a cat.

And then they're like, but I can only eat meat. And you're like, well, that's a bit hypocritical. So I'm being a bit hypocritical. I'm not perfect. I'm an obligate carnivore, but I swear I'm trying to track what you're saying. Why was no one shocked when I said I wasn't perfect? Sorry. I said, there are people who have dogs and also have cats and they can only eat meat.

I mean, they don't have to eat meat, but some of them do. And then there are some people who say they can't eat meat because they think it's wrong. Oh, sure. But can you love your pet and still eat meat and feel good about it? I think so because they'll eat them eat with you. They don't, they don't know. It's a bonding exercise. Yeah, I'll eat you.

You die in your apartment. That dog will eat you or that cat. What? But my cats love me. Yeah, I gotta be honest, if either one of you dies 24 hours later, I'm tucking in. Oh. What? Chunt, you, have you?

Oh, I've never asked this before, and I really hesitate to. It's been 11 years, Chunt. Have you ever tasted human flesh? Um, who? Would that freak you out, or? I mean, I guess I don't know. I guess I assumed that you hadn't, but maybe you have. I mean, you've eaten animals.

Yeah, yes. Arnie. Chump is a wild animal. Sure. So don't get on his wrong side. Sure. Also, to be fair, he's not that wild. I mean, he's getting older.

Well, I mean, it's pretty wild. I mean, look at those sunglasses. I mean, guys. look, I'm pouring some vodka in my whiskey. Woo! That's not... Oh, that's just scary. That's just unhealth.

That's just a warning sign. Yeah. La. Oh, my gosh. You still are... This isn't going to mean anything to you. Are you worried that Chunt lately is leaving Las Vegas? Like, he's just totally like,

Nicholas Cage leaving Las Vegasing it. Yeah, a lot of those words didn't make any sense to me. But if you mean, if I'm reading between the lines of your... speak. Correctly, I wouldn't put him in a cage, no. Oh, okay, that's good. Did I interpret that right? Yeah, enough, I guess.

We'll just keep an eye on to make sure he's doing okay. Guys, I'm so excited it's a special occasion, 11 years together doing this podcast. Wee. It seems like the perfect time to find a mystical parchment and find a secret treasure hidden from us for centuries by those who founded this very land. You guys want to do that? I mean, U-Sooter's not entirely wrong. Look, I do want to dedicate this episode to us

just celebrating how much fun we are together and how great this podcast has been. There is also the threat of spin tax attacking the Northeast that we should... Can we multitask and come up with some plans and celebrate at the same time? Sure, I love coming up with plans. Chunt, what do you say?

Yeah, I guess if we make fun work, we never have a day of fun in our life for however the saying goes. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to cast a spell that transforms half of my black ties into little tiny business manhats. Aerotruth, carol!

Oh. And can you magically turn chunks? Chunks. Arnie? Sorry. That is only a name that you call me when I get blackout drunk. You're right.

Yeah, but you're getting there fast with this drink you're making right now. Yeah, that's... Fair, yeah. Wasn't there a middens player named Chunk? There was. What happened to that guy? He sort of reminded me of Chunt a little bit.

Usador, could you magically turn Chunt's sunglasses into bifocals? So he's in a serious reading mood. Sure. Of course, I could do that. Hey, what the fuck? My focles are attracted to male and female focals. You're looking at all the butts. What did you do?

I've granted you the gift of bi-focles. Oh. Okay. If it helps, would you rather have poly-focals? We'll stick with bi and see what happens. Yeah, why not? Buy now, polly later. That's usually the progression, right?

So, look, I asked for a little help from our Patreon subscribers to remind us of weapons that we may have mentioned or talked about throughout the run of this show. Oh. And if they could remind us what those things are, because look, there's been so much lower over the last 11 years. We have learned about so many useful weapons and things over the last 11 years, and we've forgotten as much as we've learned. Oh, absolutely.

And I have lived for almost 350 years, and I have forgotten even more things than you can imagine. There may be things, things that we've never even uttered about, which I've already forgotten. Whoa. Now, if you're asking for help from people on Earth, why wouldn't you ask them to rebuild that Burger King? Get you home.

Do we need the Burger King to get me back home? I'm not even sure. Like, it just happened to be by the Burger King. Why are you asking me? You're the one who came here. You tell me how it works. Oh, no. I've never felt further from us figuring out how to accomplish anything.

Arnie, how many Earthlings does it take to build a Burger King? 30,000, 50,000? Hmm, I don't know. Probably not that many. You like to build the whole history of the franchise, maybe. I don't know. It probably takes like 50 people. build a Burger King? I have no idea.

We're calling on you a special 50. Please start building a Burger King now. And Arnie, how long does it take to build a Burger King? I don't know. Well, also, before we call on people to rebuild the Burger King, we have to call on a different group of people to destroy the condo that has been built in place of the Burger King, which is a much more difficult and, I would say, dangerous mission.

So it has to be in the same spot. We're sure about that? Here's the thing, I'm not bought in that we needed at all, but you guys are talking about the Burger King. All right, then I suppose for now we'll put that plan on hold and we'll do this other thing where we look at these weapons and see if any of them can assist us in our continuing interventions. Okay, you sort of look, we don't need to get help from our Patreon subscribers to remind us of all the weapons. Maybe you just in your brain, you remember all the things we need. Like in the first episode of the show, maybe we mentioned like a special spin tax destroying stick. Oh, and we've all forgotten, but Usador remembers.

What do you mean, spin tax destroying stick? I don't know. This is an abstract example. But I'm just saying if that had it been in the history of the show and we'd forgotten about it, that would be bad. We need to be reminded of the good things that we can use. Oh, I see. I see. No, I don't know of any kind of like stick tax that would get rid of spin tax.

Spin stick stick tax yeah it's really working on that I couldn't come with you guys have we all been drinking too much vodka whiskey certainly we started pre-partying for this episode way too early Arney I will not have you speak ill of vodka your best friend vodka by best friend vodka it is a acquired taste but I still feel like it is one of better drinks. Bottoms up. Yusir. Did you see how he just waved his butt in the air and started vomiting on the floor when he said bottoms up? I did. Wild. Anybody want some vodka? Look, let's clean ourselves up. Let's take a quick break and we'll come back

and when we come back from the break, we'll be really serious about figuring out a plan to defeat the Wizards. Chunt, Eucidor, my dearest friends and co-hosts, I have spread out before us, printouts of comments from our Patreon supporters who are reminding us of all the useful weapons and spells that we've forgotten about that maybe we can use to save the Northeast. Okay. This is great. There's a lot of papers here. Yeah.

A lot of repeat comments, if I'm being honest. So, look, a lot of you, you're just not going to hear your suggestions because a lot of other people made the same suggestions. Uh, let's see here. Oh, okay. This one is right in front of me here. This is from Eve Taft. Any relation, Arne? To Eve or Taft? Like, who? I'm not sure who... Did you say your favorite president was Taft? I said my favorite president was Eve 6.

Oh. How many people on Earth do you think you're related to? Me? Oh, too many. Yeah, what percentage? Oh, I mean, like I said before, there are so many people on Earth. But I have a lot of relatives. Like, my dad had eight brothers. I have over 40 cousins. Whoa. So that's, the entire population of Earth is probably like 500,000 or something.

I mean, I'm sure it's a lot more. But if I were to say specifics, I would be really wrong by how many. Well, Eve Taft here says, Chunt's menagerie could help. I miss his undead cat. Oh, Eve, Taft, you figured it out. Chunt, you've had so many animals and talking food. items in your menagerie over the years. That's right. I think Ouija

was my undead cat. What else? Grapes the goat. Gorgeous, a screaming potato. Gorgeous. Oh, who could forget? Gorgeous the screaming potato? I mean, except for us until very recently. Of course, of course. Farting peach. Farting peach. Oh, my gosh.

Aw. Do you have any... Have you heard from any of these creatures in the last couple of years? I heard from antagonistic cucumber. Mm-hmm. Arnie, that was someone that was a little before your time. Oh, I see. But they wrote me a pretty, pretty shitty letter.

Oh, yeah. I was furious about that letter. I think it was totally unfair to you. Thank you. If I ever see antagonistic cucumber again, I throw that little fucker into a bowl of brine, turn it into a pickle. Oh.

Who's salty now, dickhead? You hear that, AC? I thought it heard somewhere that some kind of angry cucumber had joined up with Spindex? Is this the same one? Oh shit, probably. That makes sense. Oh, now it's personal.

A cucumber from your past? Yeah, this sucks. Guys, can we all agree? We got to kill this cucumber. We got to kill this cucumber. And also, Eve Taft. I wish you hadn't brought this up. It's really upsetting.

No, no, no. It's good. Eve, you did good. This is, to remember fondly, all the others, all the other animals and foods and weirdos and freaks that were in my menagerie. That is worth it. But, yeah, AC is just a bully and a piece of shit.

Yeah. Now, Arnie, I'm going through all of these parchments that you've written out for us, and I'm seeing here that many people are bringing up the implanted unicorn devices that Funanunia gave to us. And I... Funanunia.

Is that a music festival we threw? No, no, no. One of the demigodesses, one of the offspring of the goddesses themselves. Yes, oh my goddesses, yes, of course. The goddesses are perfect. They can do no wrong. They're kids. I think that these IUDs are incredible.

If they were easier to use, the fact that you have to be writing four unicorns at the same time to fire the damn thing makes it pointless. Yeah. I can maybe get my feet on two. Where am I going to write out? Am I supposed to put my hands back like this

and put it on two more? Unicorns? Yeah, I tried once and got drawn and quartered. Nonsense. It was awful. Yeah. At first, I was excited when Funanunia blessed us with the ability to shoot lasers out of our forehead and shine out of your butt with these implanted unicorn devices. But it's so complicated to do it.

And also, the worst part is we had to be religious for it to work. And that part I just wasn't into. But, Ani, this isn't about religion, some sort of formal... meeting that you must go to every week or paying some tithe to some corrupt organization. This is about faith. Faith in the goddesses who've basically shown up. Arnie, did you see where Usador started his sentence? Seemingly got possessed.

His head turned all the way around and then he finishes. I think this vodka is tainted. I know. Are we even saying words? Because I'm not entirely sure. I also have had a little too much of this vodka. I don't think I've had too much vodka. I think I'm doing fine.

I don't think there's any reason to check off me from the list. Waka's good. Taste good to me. Love vodka. All right, then three more shots. Wadka, Wodka, Wodka. All right, I'm going back to the papers. Oh, here's one.

Haley Handlin, Rota, to remind us of a spell. These don't all have to be weapons. These could be spells we haven't been. thinking about. And this spell is pretzel bones, which causes slow transformation of your bones into pretzels. And if you yell, no pretzel bones for you,

it reverses pretzel bones. Reverses pretzel bones. Yes, but this is a pretty common spell. Really? If I go to spin, let's say I disappear and I peer before Spintax, breakthrough is all his magical

defenses that he's put up. And before him, then I say, now is the time when we have a final duel and I say pretzel bones. Then he's going to say, no pretzel bones for me. And then we're just going to go back and forth like that. Oh, so it's not just limited to no pretzel bones for you. You can also do a total no pretzel bones for me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would actually, what I would probably do is like, now's the time of a final duel. Chinks is no pretzel bones. And then he'd say, damn, uh, pretzel bones. And I'd say, pretzel bones for you. And he'd say, no pretzel bones for me. and I'd kind of go back and forth like that for a long time.

And then I'd try to give him kudies. And could you say pretzel bones bounces off of me and pretzel bones is you? Yeah, sure. Exactly. That sucks. I was excited because I recently learned that a big part of Wizard's power comes from their bones. So I thought if we could just pretzel bones them. Now, it's funny.

It's like, watch this. You see that guy sitting at that other table over there? Yeah, yeah. Pretel bones. You'll figure it out and about it out. Yeah. You, sir, we have to trust that you did something. Yeah.

He looks fine. Don't worry. As soon as he tries to get up and go to the bathroom. Is it soft pretzel bones or is it hard pretzel bones? It's hard pretzel bones. So you have some structure there. Otherwise, you just like slump over almost immediately. I mean, honestly, I think soft pretzel bones would give more structure.

Because hard pretzel bones would be too brittle. Whereas soft pretzel bones, I obviously could tear, but a little more... Do you hear yourself saying the words, odd and soft, though? Oh, yeah. Look, Haley Handlin, why did you bring this up at all? Thank you, but no, thank you. Oh, no, wait, you know,

this paper, you know what? None of us need to read this one. I'm going to throw this one away, actually. No, no, no, no, no. Why? Arnie, what are you hiding? Why drawing so much attention to it then? Okay, well, look, thank you, Laura Bryant, but we do not need to be reminded that apparently at some point there was a potion of returning

Drew to Life slash Drew Resurrection. Did someone say Drew to life? What? It's already been used. Oh shit, the guy you... Drew, don't get up from the table. I'm coming. Oh!

My leg, what's going on? Oh, my bones. How did I not recognize that guy at the bar that you pretzel bones was Drew? My bones, them's pretzels. Oh, kill me. Kill me. No pretzel bones for you. Oh, boy.

His bones are still broken, but they're not pretzel bones anymore. Oh, they're dragging him outside. Yeah, he's going to die. He's going to die from those pretzel bones. Well, we'll see. He looks pretty healthy, bones aside. Did he? What else do we have here?

Oh, Grant Black says book 40 spells and how to say them by the scholar. Do we still have that book? 40 spells and how to say them? I don't, I'm not sure if I still have all my library books or not. Do you know like 40 spells? Would a book help? Easily. I, no, but, but I love books of spells.

I love learning new spells. I love knowing how to save them. So when I checked out 40 spells and how to say them, I was very excited. Got pretzel bones right out of there. No pretzel bones for you. You're just saying spells that you've already said this episode. Yeah, and then 38 other ones. Okay, you start looking through your bag of,

carrying here and it looks like we have a book called 40 Spells to Leave Your Lover. I'm not sure if this will come in handy. Let's see. Oh, it will. Abercazam, Pam. That's a children's book I've been working on. Al-Kazoo Drew?

Did someone say Drew? No. No. I did. Did you Al-A-Kazoo Drew back over here? Wait, this is 40 spells to leave your lover. He should be gone. Well, I guess we're not lovers. All right.

Yeah. It's the 11th anniversary. Let's just interview Drew. Oh, fuck. Let's just deal with it at last. All right? Finally, finally the day has come. I'm going to hit you with this healing rock.

Should be fine now. No pretzel bones for you. Jinks. Also, thank you to the many Patreon supporters who reminded us we have a healing rock. Oh, yeah. I've never forgotten that. Oh. Oh, a big bird just flew in and dragged Drew out of here.

he's probably going to be fine. I'm just excited for once. I'm not the one that's killing Drew. I was just so excited to meet Carol Spidey. Oh, wait, okay. Until Drew comes back, here's another one. Jonathan Stevens wrote, I bet the silent eye has a secret cache of weapons.

The shattering really took the steam out of that alliance, and what better time than now to resurrect it. We need those allies to defeat the wizards. And a few people also wrote that they still have silent eye coins. Oh, shit, do I still have my silent eye coins? coin. Of course you do. Here it is. Right here. Ha ha!

Ah, thank you for keeping my coin for me, Usador. That's right. I keep my coin in Usador's pocket. Well, it's just sort of easier if I carry everything around so you guys don't forget. That's why I have all the books, too. You know, some of these books are probably yours, like these handmaidens of Bloth and those sorts

of things, you know. You know, all these things that I don't want to take credit for. But Jonathan Stevens, this is a great idea. of the silent eye, we used to be part of that secret society to help defeat the dark lord. I've heard tales that the silent eye still moves in the shadows to try to shape the fate of foon. Maybe we could reach out to them and they can help us defeat spin tax.

That's a great idea, Ernie. Yeah, let's absolutely add that to the list. All right. I'm just going to take one of the, I'm just going to take this drew paper and use the back of it to write the list of things that we need to remember. Laser gun check Laser gun No parts of bones for you Put down

Menagerie Ah chunce minasury How do I How do you spell menagerie I think it's B-L-U-E-R-O-S-E-R-O-S-E-S Chunce Viginery Arnie

You gotta take spelling classes Oh here's one Oh this is this is gonna be Maybe the most useful yet Alphones Armourman suit person I'm saying that right says all the usadors in his hat are an army Oh that's right

That one time we went into your hat And met all the usadors that live in there Yeah if all the voices in your heads are an army Then go nuts I don't know if that's accurate at all Oh there's so many little usadors And they all had their own little piccadillos Let's see that's all me

It's all me. So, like, we couldn't send an army of you out. Do you think if I had the ability to send an army of me, instead of wasting 11 years with you two idiots trying to get you to do anything, that I wouldn't have already done it? If you can't do an army of me, then can you at least do a hyper ballad? Or, you know, if it's all so quiet. Shh.

You know, for someone who I'm a fan of, I actually can't think of many of their songs. Well, back to Bjork, work. Back to work, back to work. Oh, well, this vodka's really affected, my tongue is going numb here. You know, many people, I'm not going to, I can't name them all, but a lot of people mentioned also Caballon

the tree once gave me a golden branch, a very powerful tool that guarantees safe passage through all forests. Like, I can't be hurt in a forest. That's wonderful. Boone, do you have any reason to go through a forest? No.

But there are a lot of forests I mean That's true If I had that at least I could be safe in a forest And also like What defines a forest Like how dense do the trees

Have to be for me to be safe Yeah good call Good call Well you can sort of You can sort of I have forest It's just you gotta just feel it You gotta know

Like Okay I bet if you went up to like A couple of trees And had that branch They still wouldn't fuck with you They're not gonna They're not gonna mince

They're not gonna parse terms And say like We're not a four We're just a couple of trees hanging out. They're going to be like, whoa, golden branch, back off. How much of magic is psychological and, like, belief-based? Like, if I think it's a forest, does it work? Mm, couldn't call.

Probably not, because then stupid people would be the most magical. I mean, stupid people do tend to succeed despite all reason to the contrary. Ignorance is bliss. Orny, did I ever tell you when cockroach clown took me into a forest? I don't want to hear the rest of this story, but... It was the middle of the night. It was black as ink. So dark out, and there was all kinds of terrible sounds.

And as cockroach clown was saying, walk into the forest, come on, let's go. I said, Cockroach, clown, I'm scared. And he said, you're scared. I got to walk out of here alone. And then he murdered you. Then he murdered me. Huh. What a terrifying cockroach.

And what a terrifying clown. Yeah. He's kind of the best of... The worst of both worlds? Yeah, the worst of both. Yeah, I think that's right. All right. I'm going to write down Golden Branch.

It seems like it'll be really useful if I can find it. Unfortunately, I lost it. But if I remember correctly, wherever it is, it's slowly trying to walk back towards me. So maybe it'll catch up with me. May it'll show up today. Who knows? Yeah. Now, I would say, to answer your earlier question, if you had the branch and you decided that a bunch of gravestones were a force,

That's not going to work. That's just some bullshit. Yeah. The truth is the truth. Could I tape a couple trees to my body and always be in a forest? Maybe stop trying to break the system and just work within the system. Okay. Arnie, speaking of the branch that's slowly crawling back to you,

did you ever run into that snail that if it touches you, you die? What? Remember a while ago? There was that snail that if it touches you, you die, and you had to run away from it? Yeah. I don't remember that at all. You don't remember snail fail? I don't.

Huh, maybe it was a hypothetical. I kind of sworn there was a snail that it touches you specifically. You die. Me specifically. Yeah. That's not good. I guess I'll avoid snails. No, I'd remember this because I remember asking a snail that very question.

It's like, it's ony specifically? That's right. That's right. And the snail's like, yeah. Over the course of like three days said that. Yeah, it's pretty slow. Oh, so I'm sure I was not paying it. attention. If this conversation

was going that slowly, there's no way I was paying attention. Okay, so we shouldn't write that down. I mean, look. Yeah, can someone draw me a picture of the snail so I know to avoid it? It looks like a snail. Snail.

Yeah, it's good. Do you sort of antenna things? Yeah. Sort of a glob. Big mustache. So, generally speaking, in Foon, and if you were the average forest in foon,

how many snails would there be in them? I don't know, a few thousand? Oh, fuck. Chud, don't forget, it was also carrying that little sign that said, die cam. That's why we even asked it a question

to begin. Oh, sure. Yes, yeah. That's a weird word. It's so similar to our friend's name, and he got a, like, got a pissy, really puffed up, you know, for a snail. Yeah, for a snail. Which is pretty subtle. You know, now that I think about it, we don't have any proof that if you

touch that snail, you die. He might have just been talking a big game. Yeah, we might have been drunk. Yisdor, do you have a magical way to prove out these things? Like, do you have suspect talking a big game or something like that? Oh, yes. Of course. I can, I can cast a gram balls net of pure intent. Graham balls has some of the best magical items. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, great. Like 300 episodes from now, we're going to have to ask the patrons to remind us about Graham Balls. Gramballs. Grambals net of pure intent. I knew that.

No, I don't need to ask anyone. Okay, we'll see. Listeners, email us if it's ever mentioned again. Arnie, we should also pour out a little bit of the vodka because Grambals got run over by a reindeer. Where was he coming from? He could be as magical as all get out, but a reindeer can trample you to death. Where was he walking from?

Well, sadly, Arnie, he was walking home from your house. on Christmas Eve. Oh. I would say, if I had to guess, there's no such thing as Graham Balls. I thought you were making it up. Well, as for you, Sodor and I, we believe. We believe. This paper, I'm going to read this one.

Hem the Goblin, and I only have the vaguest memory of this. You see, we were drinking too much eggnog. Yes. Let's just, okay, let's tease this out. Sorry, you were saying something. Let's move on, let's move on. Let's tease this out. Oh.

Hem the Goblin wrote, Did Chunt keep that limp piece of hay? Hmm. Limp piece of hay. Did it do anything? There's no more information. Limp piece of hay. We can also cut this out.

That sounds familiar. I have a vague recollection, Chunt, that at some point maybe you lost your hammer and you picked up a piece of hay to replace it. That could be it. It sounds very familiar. It does sound familiar.

Although, use letter also brings up a good point. A lot of people were saying Chunt had a warhammer at some point. Jun, did you also lose the warhammer? Oh, no, baby. I still got that. Oh, ho! You're so good at hiding that gigantic hammer behind

your tiny body. Mm-hmm. The key is misdirection. You're always drawing attention to your buttholes so we don't see the hammer. That's it. You got it. Got it in one. Well, got it in two. Someone with a made-up sounding name called Red Keener wrote, What about the Ruby of Gowell?

Gala Zil. Ugh. Usar was able to blow a hole through the roof of the tavern and then reverse the effects to immediately fix up the roof. I think that was Season 5 episode 2.

Well, yes, at the very beginning of this season, I mentioned that I had acquired the great Ruby of Galazil and also the mystical armor of Beckley-Glig, Anya-him.

Arnie, write this down. And I haven't drawn a lot of attention to them. I've been, you know, keeping those pieces with me for when I need them. Honestly, the ruby could be pretty helpful.

Oh. But it's kind of drained of power, and I probably need to do something to recharge it. Maybe walk through a forest, find a mystical spring or something. I don't know. Dip it in there, something. I mean, the forest could be pretty dangerous for you.

Yeah, make it kiss a star. I don't know. Something, I'll figure it out. Who's the biggest star in Fune? Maybe Spintex. Damn it. He's big. He's a big name.

What about King Tom Blaine? Ah, damn it. Yeah, he hates us. You know what? And that's the real ironic thing. We have to save him in his whole kingdom. But he hates us, or he hates me right now. No.

Hates a strong word, Arnie. Arnold. I would hate for him to hate you. I think just because you've come to loggerheads and have some disagreement doesn't mean in the future that you can't be friends again. Yeah. Think of all the times you and Chunt were angry at each other or mad at each other about something.

You've always become friends again. Oh, yeah. And obviously we eventually found out we were cousins. Yeah, we're better than friends. We're cousins. Although, to be fair, I did earlier say I have over 40 cousins. Oh, yeah. I don't have that many friends.

Am I still just an uncle? So how that worked out? You're more of an unc. A cuckle. A cuckle. No, that's worse. A cuckold. A cuckle.

This isn't helping. None of this is helping. Um, this might help. Parker, Scarborough. Not really a weapon, but Arnie might have some latent magic ability. He made a pumpkin grow out of Duncan potato grease's head by saying Bibbitty-Bobbity-boo. Oh, I guess I could try that again. There have been occasional times when I thought maybe I could do magic.

Let me try. I'm not going to aim any other either of you. Oh, look, there's Drew sort of crawling at the door. Bibbidi-Bobbitty boo! What the fuck? Whoa. Got him. A giant pumpkin grew out of his head.

Oh, he just fell in his head exploded. Oh, look at all that pretzel bites. I mean, it looks delicious. Oh, I wish I had some nacho cheese. Here, Ronnie, I want to give you this envelope. Okay. I've been wanting to give this to you for a while and to promote your latent magical abilities.

It's a magic correspondence course. You cast a spell into an envelope, send it to the teacher, see if it were, and then they'll send you back a result. Huh. Okay. On this paper it says I should try to conjure this turtle. Into the envelope.

Okay. Sideways cartoon turtle face. Seal the envelope. Okay. And then how do I get the envelope there? Oh, here's a, looks like a, there's a tiny little postman here. Just put it on that snail.

I'm not getting anywhere near that snail. Well, we'll take a quick break while we try to figure out, If we can get postage here. Little help? Shut up. True. Idiot.

I said you would never be on this show again. Okay, Arnie. We've taped a lot of branches to your body. Now, try and get hurt. Well, now, Sean, also, I still don't know where this golden branch is. I still have to find the golden branch. Okay. But if I do find the golden branch,

all of these other branches attached to me will be very useful. Okay. Now, Ani, I don't want you to panic, but there is a golden branch moving towards you right now being carried by a snail. Now, I know you said you didn't want any snails in here tonight. So do you want the branch?

Do you not want the snail? Which way are we going here? What a metaphor for life. Is it? You've got to risk death to live forever, right? That's what everybody says. Huh. I never thought about that, and I think for good reason.

Yeah, I don't think that's a thing. You gotta get busy living forever or get busy risking death. Okay. That could be a shirt, maybe. I think if you have to say maybe it's probably not a shirt. Yeah, maybe we'll just stick with the, I'm moving to food shirts, I guess, for now. Okay, guys, look. I have a special surprise for you.

But first, I want to thank all of our Patreon supporters for writing all these things, reminding us of these weapons. I'm sure some of these things will help us eventually defeat SpinTax and save the Northeast and all of Foon. I do want to really quickly read one more here. Maricio Machuca, apologies of, I'm sure I've mispronounced that, wrote, I believe that there are still many feral cats that Blemish has vomited up running around foon. They could provide a nasty scratch. And I mostly mention that because, yeah, just to explain to listeners why they may have heard so many cat sounds.

Like, Blemish left, but there's still so many of his vomit cats all over this tavern. Yeah, they are disgusting because they also vomit up little cats. Yeah, it's cats and cats and cats. And they sing at night, Arnie. They sing the worst fucking songs you've ever heard. But they have a lot of interesting names, right? I don't know if interesting is the right term. Insane.

Could you just remind me of like seven or eight of them? There's Delico. He's probably the worst. Tug-Timmie, Tim-Tom. Tug-Tim-Tum? Tim-Tom? Yeah, I think. sir, that sounds right.

Oh, yeah, I mean, there's a lot of them. You don't really want to hear their songs. They just curl up around your boots and boots and cats, boots and cats, boots and cats. Okay, we've spent enough time on these weapons. We don't need to look to the past. We should look to the future. I've had a beautiful 11 years with you, Chunt, as my co-host, and you, Yusador as my other slightly inferior co-host.

host. Did you almost call him Yosador? Wait, hold on. His name's not Yosador? The indignity. Hear me out. Would you appeal more to a youthful audience if your name was Yosador? I don't think so. Yosador raps.

Maybe, possibly in the future, we'll see. Yes. Let us look to the future. I shall cast my mind's eye 11 years into the future from now. Oh, why? Listen, he's rapping. I don't know. It's wrapping so quiet. You can do this for a hundred and twenty minutes.

Oh, I've returned from the future, Arnie. Yeah? Right, the future is blurry, and I can only see visions. Convenient. In this future, I saw you wearing nothing but gold. I saw Chunt wearing two crowns. I saw myself as I shifted from blue to silver to white to green to black to green to black to brown to orange to red.

I airy color of the rainbow. And I saw foon, more lush, more beautiful, more peaceful than air. What about me? Do I make it? I saw Drew's gravestone. Oh, man. It said, Drew, dead these past 11 years. Yeah. Oh, sorry, buddy.

Sounds right. They put up a new gravestone every year, though. That's nice, right? So, listeners. When we have our 22nd anniversary episode, don't forget to remind us that we should have accomplished all those things. Wait, Arnie, we can do 20 second episodes? Why are we going on for 45 minutes to an hour? Let's just do 20 second episodes. I could say my name. That'd be the whole episode. We'd be done.

It's not a bad idea. Oh, but no, I'm so sorry. I keep getting distracted. I want to have a heartfelt moment to thank all of our listeners for listening for 11 years and also to thank you, Chunt, for always being by my side, to thank you user, for always being by my side as well. And just to say that I think what we need to do now is split up. What? Look, it's been so great these last 11 years, but I think we need to split up. See other podcasts?

Oh, no, no, oh, no. I'm not saying we end the podcast. I'm saying, look, the threat to the northeast is really imminent. Call NPR or something and see what they're doing. If podfires could use a badger. If we're going to save the Northeast, we've kind of got to get our shit together. And I've been thinking about it. And I love you guys.

I love you, buddy. And I think we're great together. But we're not really good at accomplishing things together. What are you talking about? We made this list. Oh, someone's gold vodka on the list. Oh, great. I mean, look, think about it.

This past week, any time any of us have done anything, the other two just kind of follow the other one and watch them do it and kind of like bicker and quibble about it and then kind of nothing gets done. Delightful. Hell yeah. And I just think we're really running out of time. I mean, we probably have like 10 episodes until Spintax attacks Northeastia. At our base, we're not going to accomplish anything in that time.

Well, I did mention that this Ruby, this great powerful gem, the Rube, the Rube, Ruby of Gala Zeal needs to be recharged, perhaps I should go off on a quest on my own. Until I am able to accomplish that task, for the power of that great Ruby might be the very thing we need to defeat Spintax. But what else do we need? Well, I was also thinking, like, I meant it when I said I've been hearing about the silent eye more and more. I feel like they might have resources that could help us.

And I'm kind of interested in going off and trying to make contact with them. Oh, that's smart. Yeah, that's a good one. Okay. And I, let's see. Ooh, maybe I could track down all those little usadors. They're in my head. That's my brain.

We all remember them. We all remember them. This is what I'm saying. If one of us accomplishes something, then the others just follow that person and, like, makes fun of them. Chunt, you don't have to know what your quest is now. But you probably need to figure it out the next week or so. Yeah. Guys, I've already packed my bindle and my bag of holding.

I've been thinking about this this week, and I'm excited for us to be reunited somewhere down the road. But right now, I've got to put together a team of fan favorite returning guests and go off and try to find the silent eye. Why don't you just put the bindle in the bag of holding if you've got a bag of holding? I don't know. It just looks cool. The bindle is sort of fun.

All right. The annoying thing is this bag of holding is just a big fucking bag. Like it can hold so much stuff, but there's no good way to carry it. You don't have a strap of holding? A strap of holding? Yeah, for your bag of holding, a strap of holding. I guess I don't know all the holding accessories I'm supposed to have. You can strap endless amounts of bags to it.

Oh, yeah, and there's a travelon of holding. There's a toiletry bag of holding. What else? Oh, guys, am I fucking kidding. I can't go off on a quest on my own. I'm going to fuck it up. I don't even know all the holding accessories. I don't know what to say if someone asked me if I'm holding.

Artie, be cool. You got this. And hey, let me just walk over here and... Thank you, sir. And let me just kick that snail out the door. Arnie, here you go. Here's that golden branch. You know what?

I'm going to try my best to be in forest as much as possible. And I'm going to come back to you guys alive. And with some kind of actionable thing we can use to save the Northeast from Spintax. No. You won't come back. What? We shall meet on the forest on the southern edge of Northeastia, far away from here.

Okay, let me write this down. Wait, I've already forgotten the direction. The forest? The forest on the southern edge of northeast. The forest on the southern edge. Southern edge. There's so many directions in this. The southern edge of northeaste?

No, it's just northeaste is a name. Okay. It's a forest. Okay, look, certainly like you're looking at. Does it have a name? This forest? Pretend like, yes, yes. It's called Westernia.

And should we look to you on the first sunrise? Yes. Look for me on the third sunrise of the eighth day of the 12th week. Shit, okay. Okay. Hey, we'll see each other. I don't know. Guys, I was about to leave here confident.

I'd see you again. Now I'm sort of thinking, we're all going to live a hundred more years, but never find each other. Let's just get as close to Northeast as we can, and then we'll figure it out, all right? Let's turn here. And listen, if nothing else, our hearts will lead the way. I love you guys. I love you, too.

We'll find each other again. We will find each other again. We will. And here, please take your microphones with you. It's very important. Now it doesn't seem important to you, but please try to record some content while you're on your quest. Can you do that for me?

Sure, yes, of course. Yeah. And of course, it goes without saying, Yeah. It totally does. Okay. Well, I guess we shouldn't draw this out anymore because that's what we've been doing the last 11 years. I love you guys. I love you, Chunt. I love you, Yusador.

I love you, Golden Branch. I love you tug-timmie Tim-Tom, the cat. And here, Usador, will you do me a favor? Yes. And watch over Tug-Timm-Tom the cat for me while you're gone. Of course, Tug-Timmie-Tim-Tom. You're the first to join my new quest. All right, love you guys. Bye-bye. Don't forget to end the podcast.

Love you, buddy. Fair travels and fairness to thee. I wish thee all the best. Grammesee. Thank thee for these past 11 years. Oh, chunt. Oh, I'm gonna miss me. Oh, little baby boys all groom this up.

He's all grown up and he's off on his own. I'm so scared. I'm so worried about him. Should we, should we just like follow him and like, you know, help? fight things that are in his way and like he keeps thinking he's doing it but we're actually doing it and then one day he discovers us that he's kind of pissed but that he's also glad we're there oh sort of like when we watched all of inspector gadget when we visited arnie in the 80s yeah yeah that's not the

worst idea or beverly hills ninja when he had that sneak preview in the 80s that must have been in development hell forever chut i know you don't know your question yeah but travel not too far behind mind, Arnie, in case he does need your help, you can rush to his aid, for I must go in the exact opposite direction of whatever direction Arnie is going. Huh. You have to? Yeah, oh yeah. Okay. For wherever the source of power that will recharge the Ruby of Galazil, I know it's far away

from wherever... Why did Arnie leave? He was going to kill Drew, maybe? I think he was going to kill Drew. Yusidor, I love you, buddy. You're my jillical choice, and I'll try my best to make sure Arnie's okay. You also be okay. You also take care.

Yes, Chunt, safe travels to you as well, and I wish you all the best upon your quest. Whatever it may be, you're the most important one of all. You're the swing character. We have very specific tasks ahead of us, but you'll have to be able to pick up the slack. Now, I'm off. Come, Tom, Tilly, Clare.

Put your keys in the bowl of one party and suddenly you're the swing character. Well, Drew, why don't you come over here, buddy? We'll hop on mic. We'll start a new podcast just in case. Things go sour. We'll try and record, I don't know, maybe 50, 60 episodes just so we can air something in case the three of us die. Hell yeah, brother. Let's do it.

What's the conceit? I thought you had an idea. I don't have an idea. Do you have an idea? I do get nuts with Usador. I do a magic tavern with Arnie. Hmm, what's like a third? Maybe like, um, maybe like we're vampires?

No, no, no. I think two people are doing that already. What else? Well, oh, I know. Listeners, give us a call and you let us know what you want to hear as a new podcast, a new spinoff. Call us at 867309 and, um, leave us a voicemail. Hell yeah. Hey, I'm gonna touch this snail.

Oh, Drew, don't... Oh, no. Listeners, don't forget. You always have the option to call and say, I'm good, thanks. Usadol the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chontha Talking Badger was played by Adul Rify. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production.

Made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about... Supporting the show, and voting on the March Magic Brackets, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffey.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBann. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Arnie, remember when Cannes came and gave you pretzel bones? and then he called himself anti-can let's cut that up

it was an auntie ann's joke but yes too much of a walk we'll cut that up put it after the credits put it after the credits