Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 94 - Arnie's Team (w/ Ross Bryant, Erin Kief & Zach Reino)

Episode Date: March 30, 2026

Arnie puts together a team including Momo the mouse, Tormaline Dragon Teen and his old nemesis the Soul Walker. Can they find what they what they need in the library and survive some team building exercises?CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampMomo the Mouse: Erin KeifTormaline: Zach ReinoSoul Walker: Ross BryantProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tony GullickMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. But this week, we continue with our core team divided into smaller groups. Our version of the two towers, with none of the grandeur. A quick side announcement, we have some new shirts commemorating past winners of March Magic. So, if you want a wily potatoes shirt, or perhaps in Automatoni, the Automatantownie shirt, drag your shambling, defeated frame towards our dashery store. Link can be found cowering in the show notes. As mentioned, with the hosts of our show divided into their separate quests.

This week, we check in on Arnie's quest. Sit back and enjoy the show. All right, why don't we set up on this table here? I think this will be good. Moma, thank you for helping me set up the microphones. Absolutely no problem. Is this map about the size of where we're going to be going? Is this approximate or is this?

This is so helpful. I was hoping to get some maps of Northeastia. I think this is Northeast. I'm not the best at reading maps, especially of Foon. Yes, you asked for maps, and I spoke to a very frustrated librarian about it. She was really mad. I asked if I could take out a reference book. And she stared daggers at me.

But, yeah, this is what I got. Is that only one of these books here has a chain on it that's been broken? Yeah, yeah. We probably are our unlimited time with that book. Okay. So since we're likely to be kicked out, why don't I go ahead and start the episode? Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. 11 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift.

And normally, for 11 years, I used that to upload a podcast with my co-host, Usador the Blue, and Shunt the Talking Badger. But we have split up on separate. Two people who did not want me to go with them, which is fine. Oh, they, did they, did you actively talk to them about whether you could join their class? Yeah, I was, I was interested in sort of what they had going on, but they sort of made it seem like they were all booked up and ready to go. I'm fine, Arnie. I'm so happy you're here. I mean, I guess that kind of explains why it took a while for me to hear back.

Like when I messaged you via carrier bird, like it took a while to hear back whether you were going to be in the quest. I put myself on the wait list for the other quests, but I didn't hear back. So I figured it was time to say yes. You know what? I, this is a year of confidence. Say yes to the quest. This is a year of confidence for me. I made a vision board that I was going to be more confident.

And so here we are. I'm not going to let things affect me. Like not getting picked for a team. And you need no introduction, but I am joined by my co-captain in this quest. It's not just my quest now. It's just not Arnie's team. It's Arny and Momo's team. Momo of the Mouse with Human Strength.

Hello. Thank you for having me. Honored to be a co-captain. And I think I would have been at the bottom of the other group. So this is actually pretty good. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

And I can put this quest on my resume or... I guess so. I mean, will people try to reach out to me as a reference? Yeah, they'll probably be like, how's Momo on quests? Does she pack well? Does she give up halfway through? Does she have a good attitude? Well, depending on how this quest turns out,

I am willing to give like a very glowing recommendation. That's fantastic. That's good to know. Have you been on many quests before now that I think about it? Like, I guess I didn't really put you through any kind of like interview for this. Right. I did go on one quest with you guys, and I thought it was a vacation. If you remember that, I packed like it was mostly like Momo and Flipbox. Trying to think if you contributed to that success in any way, you were delight to have with us.

Thank you so much. More of a personality higher. These maps, co-captain, fellow co-captain, we are trying to go to the Northeast. Yes. Well, we're eventually going to go to the Northeast, and this is very useful for when we're trying to defend the Northeast. But also, we need to find out where the silent eye is, a secret society that no one knows anything about. And I'm hoping that there's some information about it here in the Library of Meridance, the biggest library in all of Foon.

Secret, well, we know the name, so we don't know nothing about it. That's true. We know the name, the silent eye. So that's pretty good. Also, I thought this would be, you know, I think libraries are good community spaces. I thought this would be a good place to kind of like gather. Like I rented out a meeting room here. And when I put out for people like whoever, I'm guessing we're going to have like a good half dozen people joining this quest that we could all meet in that meeting room.

Yeah, there's a bunch of students on the outside of this room just glaring at us. It's finals week. And I, the timing of this is bad. Yeah. Okay. Oh, boy. Yeah. And we did, I guess we did show up early.

So maybe we're squatting in a room that's not ours yet. Yeah, we got to make haste on this. I think some of these books were not meant to move from their original locations, and these students look serious. Okay, well, this big book with the chain, it's, oh, it's a history of the Bellaroff, so that's really useful. I don't know if I want to read that right now. Arne, you're going to have to do a lot of the reading,

because when Momo reads, I have to run from one end of the page to the other, and my stamina is bad. Just turning pages alone. Like, you're strong, but still just size-wise. Exhausting. It took me, like, seven years to read the Da Vinci Code. Oh, my gosh. Well, why did you?

Why? And you stuck with it? Yeah, because everyone was talking about it. Remember that summer when everyone was talking about it? I guess so. That is one of the few things I brought into this world with copies of the Da Vinci Code. And it just went crazy in food. Yeah, it was great.

Well, you know, and then I was ready to talk about it. and everyone had really moved on. It didn't have the cultural staying power. We thought it would. That's true. Mom, can I ask, how have you been? I guess we've been so busy working on this. How have you been lately?

I haven't seen you in a while. Oh, I'm fine. Just really trying to turn over a new leaf this year, like I mentioned. I made a vision board that just said stop being so fucking insecure. That's all it said. And we're going to see how that turns out. Yeah, well, do you want me to, like, Like, do you want me to hold you to that?

Like, is there any way anything else? Yeah, if you can hold me accountable. Should I say? Should I point it out? Yeah. Just be like, yeah, point it out. I think that's good, keeping me honest. Is there anything that you're working on right now that I can help you with?

Hmm, that's a good point. You know, I'm trying to, like, be present and be here. Like, besides doing a podcast and always making content, which I know is maybe not being present. I'm trying to, like, not think too much about, like, my co-hosts and, like, comparing myself, like, thinking, like, are they doing a better job on their quest? Yeah, are they having fun? Are they having fun?

All right. No learning, no growth this year. I love that. Stay exactly the same. I love that, Arnie. We're both setting up goals for ourselves that we are unlikely to accomplish. I love it. I love it.

Okay. I think actually, though, we're in a study room now. I bet the meeting room is ready. We can see how many of the people that I reached out to showed up to join the quest. I bet it's going to be, like, dozens. Oh, I bet so. Oh, my gosh. I mean, if I'm being honest, I wasn't discerning. Like, I sent out a lot of messages. Wait, what? I mean, besides you. Like, after I locked down that I had my co-captain, I sent out a lot of messages for people to join this quest.

Okay, great. But it's like people who have a variety of skills, though, right? We got, like, fighters and... Yeah. I mean, the main criteria was I could remember their name. And I got to say, There's a lot of people I know I don't remember their name. Okay, this sounds like every birthday party you've ever thrown. All right. Okay, let's do it. Okay, let's see here. Have you spent much time in this library before?

It is huge. Can you tell by my everything that I have not spent that much time here? I guess that's true. I'm reading the Da Vinci Code for seven years, Arning. I don't have much use of coming back here. Although I do appreciate when we entered this library, you put little like reading glasses on. Can't tell, like, do you need those? Are those just kind of like for show? I'm playing the part.

Okay. I like that. Your intellectual co-captain, Momo the Mouths. All right. Okay. I don't understand the point of it if I can't take it home. So I'm just going to keep it in here. And if you have a problem with that, you can get in my mouth and die.

So how's that? Maybe that's what you do. Yeah, you do run away. You do run away now, book person. Oh, hi, Arnie. Oh, hey, Tormeling. Tourmaline, Dragon Team. How are you doing?

Pretty good. They're telling me that I can't keep all these books for my hoard, which is rude and incorrect. Yeah, that's the reference librarian. She's a real stickler about you not taking the books. Yeah, she's going to be real stickler to the inside of my intestinal track if she keeps this up. Wait, Momo? Oh, my God. Hi.

Mo, it's been forever, girl. How are you? Mwma, wow. Wow, how are you? Oh, really good. I think I'm finally going to kill my dad. and take his stuff this year. Oh, what?

Oh, my God. He's gotten so lax with the way that he guards his hoard. It's honestly embarrassing. He's practically asking for it. It's so crazy to watch your parents age like that, isn't it? I know. It's so beautiful. Yeah, unbelievable.

How are you? I'm the same. Still the same. Oh, yeah. Huh, okay. Arnie, that was a test. I was acting insecure. You needed to keep, hold me accountable.

Oh, don't be so fucking insecure, Momo. Thank you, I don't you talk to my fucking friend that way? No, no, no, I will swallow you

and down hole. No, no, Tornolina. I'm only saying that to her because it's exactly what she needs to hear. Momo, don't be

so fucking insecure. Arnie, you are on the thinnest ice and if you talk to her like that again, I will drop you from several thousand miles

in the air. Holy shit. This is giving me confidence. Anyway, this is interesting that you are the one who is showing up

right now. That's interesting. Oh, normally. Are you here to join my quest? Yeah, I said yes to all three, and all three said yes, but then I forgot which one was meeting which one where. So I guess this was yours, huh? Yeah, this is mine. Okay, cool.

That's good. It's okay. If it's okay, I can accept any answer. Did you have like a stack ranking of preferences of which ones you wanted? Don't ask questions. You don't want the answer to. Yeah, do you want to hear the answer to it. I'll tell you.

I do. I think I do. I mean, look, I didn't care enough to figure out which one was meeting which where. But if I'm being totally honest, it was Usador Yu, Chant. Okay. I can live with that. Oh, mostly because I sort of don't trust that Chunt is actually on a quest. You know what I mean?

Oh, sure, sure. Like, he's probably like a singles mixer right now. Like, we don't know if he's accomplishing anything. Speaking of which, I did sort of invite someone else to come if that's okay. with you. And I didn't sort of, it's more, I was like, well, if I'm renting the room, they asked if I wanted to go on a date and pick the place. And I was sort of busy and double booked while I did pick this place, if that's okay. Okay. I'm not entirely sure. I understand what you're saying. And this is not a new thing. I'm saying I double book the date with whatever

it is that we're about to do. Oh, okay. Oh, so this is both joining a quest and also you're on a date at the same time. Well, not now. Right now I'm just on a quest because they haven't showed up yet. Oh, okay. That's good. Oh, my God, this happens to me all the time. Every time I go on a quest, it ends up being Momo's the third wheel. Momo's not a part of the whole couple thing.

No, no, Mo Mo Mo, I mean, like, look. Momo, stop being so fucking insecure. Arnie, I swear to fucking God I will drop you off a cliff if you talk to her like that again. Oh. Here he is. What? It's gotten so cold in here.

My glasses are frosting. Well, well, well, if my eldritch eyes don't deceive me, if it isn't our knee-kamp. And, oh, Tom, well, this is awkward. Wait, why? Yes. Hi. Sol Walker. How's it going?

Oh, my God, you look good. Thank you. You look amazing. Dormoline, are you on a day with Soulwalker? This evil being that's always trying to kill me? Excuse me. Don't talk about my maybe boyfriend that way. I'll drop you off a clip. Yes.

Wait, Solok, are you always trying to kill Arnie? That has been sort of my modus operandi. die for quite some time. Yes. Do you know, Momo? Down here, pulling on your coat. Hi, you remember me? We went out of quest once. I thought it was a vacation.

Oh, yes. This tiny creature has bedeviled me in the past. Yes, you are familiar to me as well. We did tequila shots once, remember? Oh my God, pause, Momo, come here. What?

Is this, is this your ex? No, no, no, no. Is it cool? Because I don't want to... Oh my God, no, no. Are you sure? He seems like a really good fit for you. Really?

I think so, too. You guys are really sweet together. Okay, thanks. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Hey, Soul Walker, I know we're not really. Like, we're enemies, but we're kind of outside this conversation. That's kind of awkward. You guys don't need to sidebar just because we're sidebar.

Yeah, we're done. It truly took us just a moment. Yes, Arni, NeNe Camp, there was a time that if I saw you, you would feel the deadly and steely touch of my eldridge hand, and I would add you to the legions of souls that currently reside within my rotting shell. Right, the second part I didn't like, but the first part about the cold and stealing hands was doing it for me. Yes.

Normally, how did you feel about the rotting shell part? That's the part I didn't like, Arnie. Let me breathe by it. Okay, sorry. I only listened to half of sentences. Everybody loves cold hands. Yes, cold hands, warm hearts. Can't lose.

That's all motto. Warm hands, cold hearts. Oh no, I did it backwards. Cold hearts, warm hands. No, it doesn't matter. I've met so many other soul walkers from so many other planes of existence, some of whom have so many arnie souls within them. They're more arnie than soul walker.

Let's just say I've been doing a little bit of souls searching lately, and I've realized that in a way I need you Ah, knee, knee camp That's just weird, can I say? And Tourmaline, I guess I'm seeing a little bit of what you're seeing. It felt so good for you to say you need me. Yeah, I didn't love hearing it

because it's like, who are you even on a date here with? Well, try to understand, Tourmaline, that I... This is sort of a nemesis relationship, a white whale, if you will. Oh, okay. Soul walker's reach must exceed one's grasp or what's an abyss for. Also, the saying goes.

Oh, God, don't I know it? Can I get you guys anything to start with? Maybe some water or wine? I don't know if this library has wine. Is this a full-service library? I can try it. Oh, no, I don't need anything. Anything I ate or drank would just fall through my ribs and make a little puddle on the floor.

Oh. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. You know what? I'm trying to be open-minded. This is a year of open-mindedness for me. Okay. You don't mind if we do date while we do quest, right? You don't mind if we do date while we do quest. Do I mind if they do date? Moma, what do you think? Should I mind if they do date while we do quest?

I don't think beggars can be choosers, aren't yet. These are the only people who seemingly showed up. Do you think that I wouldn't show up? Oh, Nini Camp. I am inexorably drawn to you. for years without counting. Well, I guess, I guess really four, five, roughly six years. I have been drawn to you.

Your essence calling to me across. And I've got to say, it makes me feel so good when you say that you're drawn to me. Yes. Okay, Momo, this feels like this is a red flag because he's been all this time and he's just talking about Arneen.

And it's like, I'm right over here and I don't know what to do. Is this just me? I think he's nagging you. He's trying to get your attention. I think that being nagged right now. And it is working. Something fierce.

Anyways, everybody, welcome to the Arnie-Momo quest. This is sort of the orientation, get-to-know-you part of it. Great. Two of you are on a date. Let's just try to get to know each other. Everybody just say a fun fact about themselves. I'm Momo. I have human strength.

Oh. I guess I already knew that. But still, oh. Oh, I'm Arnie. I'm from another world. I have slightly webbed toes. We are the swords. Walker, there are legions of the souls of the slain and damned within us, dwelling in a non-Euclidean

pocket dimension inside us, and I'm on a journey of self-discovery trying to branch out from the dark and abyssal pathways of my life into a new and different chapter. I'm Tormeline, and I'm sort of outdoorsy, but like, if I'm We need to like spend a night just sort of like inside chilling. That's okay with me too. I'm fun. I'm fun. And I think that I have a lot to offer our relationship.

And that's what I need. Somebody who's okay just kicking back and being cozy at home, but also someone who just spontaneously might go out and burn a town. Oh my gosh. That's so me. You're describing so me right now. You are describing. Yes, that is crazy.

I was just going to say that. Yes. This is what they refer to as a meat cute. Why don't we do a quick break? And when we come back, we'll start talking more about our team building. I was expecting a lot more people, so I prepared a bunch of team building exercises that are good for like a dozen people, but I don't know what to do with such a small group.

Well, Soul Walker has like a million souls in him. So like, that could carry it number-wise. And I can be big or small if that's useful. I guess I don't know what the activity is. Is one of them you need people to be big or small? That's right, Tourmaline. Remind me how you're... Oh, this is maybe an awkward question.

Remind me how your size works. Okay, well, maybe don't ask it then. A woman about her size in front of a date that she's on. No, I have, like, dragon magic. So, like, right now I fit in this room, right? Yeah. I have human form if I need it, but I'm not using it because I'm on a date. And, like, if you got it, flaunt it.

Sure. You look great, by the way. Hell yeah. Thank you. Hell yeah. Look amazing. you. Okay, now everyone said it. So that's great for me. Thank you.

Tourmaline, have you ever been on a quest? Like, I know you're always sort of like in a battle with your father to get his hoard, but have you ever, like, gone on a quest with a group? What's the difference between a quest and a job? That's a good question. That is a really good question.

I guess it's like a job, but you're always on it and you, there's a lot of traveling. Oh, no. And then when it's done, you're out of a job. Like if you do it well, then you're out of a job. No. I don't do jobs that I'm always on because I'm trying to have like really good personal boundaries for my work-life balance. And so if I'm working, then I have like, I'm taking time off for me when I need to be.

And also, if I'm traveling, then that's for vacation. Very wise, very wise. I have long been a wraith in the employ of the. dark one. Oh, yeah. Good job security there? There is wonderful job security, but very

very low in the regard of physical security. Many of the dark lords vassals are damned, rent asunder, fed to his dark and sensual panthers.

Dark and sensual panthers? You heard him. Yes. He often rides in his dark and obsidian black armor upon his dark and sensual pan- Have you seen these guys, Arnie? No, how many panthers are we talking? It's not a number, it's not a matter of how many.

It's just like, picture a panther. Mm-hmm. Now picture it really throwing it back. Ooh, yes. Imagine a panther now thicken it by a thousand. And now it's moving in slow motion. Yeah. And sort of tossing its ears to one side.

Big ear, ear, sort of... But we are taking time for ourselves now. I'm not into employment. I'm into seeking a calling. If one loves what one does, one never works a day in their life. Oh my God, I found that to be the case as well. Well, Arnie is paying us handsomely for this question.

Not about the money, but it is certainly a perk. That's great, because my hoard could use it. Mama needs a new pile. And now the money will come once we'll We have saved all of food from the wizard. So I can't pay you right away, but trust me, I feel like the riches will be pouring in, but when people will be so happy when we have, like, saved food. This quest is sounding suspiciously like an internship.

Uh-oh. There's a lot of opportunities for experience, for exposure. Okay, but also for piles and piles of treasure is what is set on the form. Yes. When I have the money, you have the money. Okay, well, no. because when you have the money, then you give it to me,

then only I will have the money. Sort of a startup venture. Yeah. I mean, I guess do you want to believe in yourself? Yes. Yeah. Well, if you believe in yourself, then we're going to accomplish this,

and then the money will come flooding in. Okay. I'll just trust you. And then if you ever double-crossed me, I'll splatter the castle walls with your sort of body, and it'll be a non-issue. So this is fine.

So this is going to be fine. I've got to say I'm a little uncomfortable with the fact to how much of my team is threatening me? Like, I feel like I'm not the safest person within my own team in this quest. Arnie, you're in a room with a limitless soul being, a dragon, and quite frankly, one of the bravest, smartest, strongest women I've ever known. Oh, my God. In what world would you be safe? You're entirely outclassed here, just on every level.

Yes. But we are happy to be here, Arnie. Hit us with those team building exercises. Okay, okay. Okay, well, you know, something Donne said earlier, I think, is a good point. Look, I think we want to really, like, dedicate ourselves on this quest and do a good job. But also, what are the things that we personally need to be, you know, mentally healthy on this quest? Like, are there certain hours that we can quest on?

Are there certain things like, do you have a communication style that it's good for the other people to know about? I'll go first, I guess. Um, Momo likes on a quest when there's sort of like a dark night of the soul where we think we're going to fail. And then the least likely among us sort of gives a rousing speech to sort of get everyone back on track.

And then if we all have sort of a sword or a prop, we all put that sort or prop kind of in the middle of a circle and we say a catchphrase that we do and it gets everyone inspired. I also do love when a beloved member of the team dies on a quest. Oh, Arnie.

That can be you. Yes, it raises the stakes. Am I the most beloved in this group? I don't know if that's true, actually. I think I'm in danger, but I'm not in the most danger. Maybe not the most beloved, but certainly the most likely. Yeah, I'd say the most vital in the literal sense. Like, the most able to die, I think, probably, right?

Yes. Oh, yeah. You are the most vital, yes. Tomlin is exactly correct. The most vital in that you are the most brimming with vital. considering that I am undead. Mom, you said something about like a catchphrase, are you thinking we'd have individual catchphrases

or like a team catchphrase? Like maybe like a team catchphrase. Oh, I love that. Like something that someone says that would get everyone remotivated towards the end of the quest. Now, do we want to come up with it or do we just sort of, do we just want to find it? You know what I mean?

I don't want to force it, but I also don't want to miss it. Does that make sense? know exactly what you're saying. Oh, is it possible that it's, I don't want to force it, but I don't want to miss it? Is that, is it possible? Rolls off the tongue. Yes. Look, I don't want to force it, but I don't want to miss it.

Yeah, it's look. I don't want to force it, but I don't want to miss it. So it sounds like right now our two biggest contenders are, look, I don't want to force it, or I don't want to miss it, or, Momo, stop being so fucking insecure. If you talk to her like that, a. single more time. I will turn body into ash and eat that ash like it's a pixie stick.

I love it when you talk that way. What does everyone else need on their quest? Need? There is very little that I need in the way of resources. I can survive for days. I need no sustenance but souls. And in fact, if a four-person, dragon, mouse,

party seems unwieldy to the group, I will happily volunteer to consume you all so that we can move, move as one, and you can be caged in the non-Euclidean pocket dimension that I surround. Take my meaning? Yeah. Sounds like a great option if my feet get tired.

For sure. I guess for me, though, kind of one of my whole things is I can't be caged or contained or tied down or told what to do. So for me, my sort of leadership style in that what I need from a leader is to sort of let me do whatever I want, and that's kind of the stuff that I'll do. So... That makes sense to me. That's kind of the end of that sentence.

Yes. And my sort of leadership style is to make a dark bargain that you must entertain. Sign on the line, and when you have done, see it fulfilled. Yeah. for a price. I'm okay with dark bargains as long as we sort of like set the parameters beforehand.

This consensual dark bargains. You know what I mean? Of course. We must go in with full, willing, and clear-eyed consent. Yeah, and that can, like, change at any time. And that's okay, and that's healthy. Like, sometimes I think I want a dark bargain,

and then halfway through, I'd think, actually, I'm not in the mood for this bargain right now. This bargain's too dark for me, or not dark enough. And you should feel free to also feel that way. Soul Walker. Yes, indeed. It's important that we gradiate the level of darkness of the bargain. We're saying the same thing.

Is it just a dispositional thing? Like, are you like this bargain is half dark kind of person or this bargain is half light? Now, that's a pretty also good catchphrase that I think we should go out. The whole thing? This bargain is half dark. I think is kind of powerful.

Soulwalker, can I ask, what is the experience like inside your non-Euclidean void? I never asked, like, if someone gets sucked into your essence, how do they experience that? It's an abyssal dimension of howling winds, blasted, erred expanse, twin dark suns that glow with an unholy unlight, and the most rip-in club you can imagine with the darkest and most industrial techno plays nonstop through all. Hours of the eternal night. Are there chains?

Are there leather? You better believe it. This is one of the horniest conversations I've ever had in the library for sure. Yeah, me too. It's top five at the least. You know, when you mentioned the suns, I know Chunt's not here, but he would have said, and twins. Oh, right?

Yeah. I remembered something else I love on a quest. What? I love when everybody, it's a kid. Again, it's sort of at the point where everyone has sort of given up, and everyone goes around, and they talk about what they would have loved to do if we all got to live. And so, like, it's a real, like, it would have been our situation. Like, I, like, a lost love that you never got to say anything to, or a dream you didn't have fulfilled.

So hopefully we get to that point where everyone sort of shares what their dream is. Yes, it's also nice if you have a decrepit old man to sort of call you to adventure. I don't see anyone here except Arnie. I guess I am the one calling you all to this adventure. You're also the literal only man, so I think you're the one that fits the bill. I guess so. Can you like lean into it and really like make a meal of it though? Yeah.

The call to adventure. And that will help me sort of remember what it is that we're doing when you do that. Okay. Do you want me to do that now? Yeah. No time like the present. Make your pitch. Tourmaline, Momo, Soul Walker.

Times are dark. Older. Older and more decrepit, please. Whimsy. Times are dark. There we go. I'm not going to be alive forever. But if I could tell you one thing,

it's that Foon needs you. You could live the rest of your life regretting, not saving Foon. Together, we will be more powerful than the wizards. I'm sorry, the whole time I was thinking about my voice. I don't even know what I said. I thought it was pretty, good. I just wish you had been able to like stay in it.

It felt like you abandoned it at the end. It did be a lot pretty fast. But it was just that like I don't know, Arnie, you're like pretty talented when you're not sort of like cutting yourself off at the knees you know. I feel like you're your own biggest enemy here. You weren't staying present.

How can we believe you if you don't believe yourself? That's a great point. That's a great point. And I think that's a good good catchphrase. How can we believe you if you don't believe yourself? yourself. Yeah. It's pretty cutting to think that I'm my own

worst enemy here because the Soul Walker is here who is one of my worst enemies. He's not here as your enemies, here is my date. And I would beg you to remember that. That's right. Well, that's my thing. The thing I need from a quest is to like make sure that everyone has each other's back,

like that we can trust each other. And Soul Walker, I guess I just need to understand, are you just here as a plus one? Or are you willing to commit to this quest? Well, if I was, I'd be here as a plus thousand. No, I am committed. When I receive a mandate, when I accept a dark charge, I see it through.

Not only to this quest with a person who's bedeviled my every thought for years. Ah, knee, knee camp, but also the frission of this tantalizing date that I find myself on. Okay, well, I don't like being the also, but I do appreciate that. At least I was in this sentence. But either way, Moma will be here, so it's fine. If it turns into just a question, not a date, that's fine. Tourmaline, this is, like, he's talking about Arnie. You know how when you go on a date with someone and they talk about their ex the whole time?

And at first it's casual. But it keeps happening. And the tone changes. It sounds like they're saliv. I think they're they, because there's, like, thousands of souls within one of body, Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It feels like they're salivating every time they talk about Arnie.

And then when we talk about me, they're like sort of confused or bemused. Yeah. Which is like, and that doesn't do like wonders from my self-esteem because I'm worth it. Yes, 100% of course. Are you, you're not, sorry. Were you hoping that this was going to be a date between you and Arne? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm dating a hot dog currently.

Excuse me? That is canon. Okay. That is real. I am dating a hot dog currently. And what is that, and what does that sort of mean? Well, before that, obviously, I dated a banana that's the mayor. And then I also dated a literal tall drink of water.

Think things that are mouse-sized approximately. And sentient? Sometimes. Girl, come on. Sometimes. Let's say always from now on. Okay, always from now on. They're going to be sentient.

just a regular hot dog. And the hot dog is a regular hot dog or a sentient hot dog? Sentient this time. Okay, then I'm happy for you. Oh, Nini Camp. It has been so long since I've put myself out there, since we have stepped out of the confines of our unlife. How do you think this date is going?

Every time I feel like the vibes are really starting to crackle, I feel like I say something that puts me in the doghouse. Well, look, it does seem like Tourmaline is interested, but you're maybe not paying enough attention to Tourmaline? What? Just because I'm here with you, Arnie Neacamp, the man who has occupied my every obsession for years without counting. At least six.

At least, about six. Look how close his face is to their face. He's like right up on there. I can tell that Arnie's talking about you, though. He's putting in a good word. Nassel Walker, remind me, Didn't you used to date Arnor? Is that true?

Maybe. Or maybe you were on a quest together. Gosh, it's so hard to remember. You have a thing for that name, though. Yes. Yes, indeed. I should have looked at my own wiki earlier. It's not important. It's not important. I remember I dated water and a hot dog and a banana.

Well, good for you. Look, it's not important. We are more than a cube. of our past relationship. Ooh, that's a good one. The past is prologue. That's a good one. We are more than accumulation of our past relationships.

Okay, that's good. That's good. It's either going to be that. Or this bargain is half dark. Or the first thing we said. Let's not worry about my exes or my past or current obsessions. Tormaline. If you had to describe your life in five words,

what would they be? Oh my God, that's crazy. No one's ever asked me that before, and it feels like such an original question to ask someone that you actually care about. I would be Tormaline, dragon, teen, dad killer. Parentheses, pause. Positive.

It's helpful to put your own name in that. But then my dad's in there, and that's not how I describe myself. Tourmaline, dragon, teen, dragon, teen. Two of the words are dragon and two of the words are teen, in one of the words is Tormaline, and those are the five words that I would use. See, we're making headway. We're learning about each other. Are you doing the, like, 36 questions to fall in love?

No. Are you doing that thing? Tourmaline, if you had three wishes, hot what you wish for. One, my dad's hoard. Two, this one makes me feel bad, but bigger wings. Oh, don't say that. Your wings are the perfect size. You know, I think they should be bigger? No. As long as they can make you sore, then they're the perfect size for you. Don't go changing.

And three, I guess, is tomato sauce that never runs out. Yes, I can see how that would be annoying. Hey, I'm just checking in. Are you guys still using this room? Because we are studying for finals and we're like really slammed. Oh, I... You're almost down, right? I guess... How about this, guys?

Why don't we do a break? And then we can... And then why... And then I feel like we've bonded enough. Maybe we can look in other parts of the library. Because, you know, libraries do more than just books? This library has weapons you can check out. Maybe we should go look at what weapons we might want to bring on this quest.

Ooh, great. And then we sort of take whatever we want and leave and never bring it back. Well, we have to check them out. one of us has to have a card but yeah I have found that with a sufficient amount of force you actually don't need a card to take things from this building

but that's just me and I don't want to make any of you walk my path what library rules can possibly restrain a chaotic and powerful will before which everything shall kneel oh your name is Will I was wondering if you had something else that you went by

a chaotic and powerful will is that short for chaotic and powerful William Oh my God They're going to kiss on the break. It's been a misunderstanding. If you like that name, I suppose I could try it all. Listeners, while you're listening to these ads, just know they are kissing during this break. How do I even describe that kiss?

It was a lot. Yeah, it felt like a lot. It felt sort of like I was losing part of my soul and also my tongue. And then I got them both back. Oh, okay. As long as you get them back. Because you don't want to, you're just starting this relationship. You don't want to lose yourself.

Arnie, can I check out this trident? Whoa, I mean... That's a full-sized trident girl. You sure you want to roll with that? How are you swinging it around? I mean, I guess you have human strength. I mean, you can carry it easy. It's just like, I don't...

The angle of attack feels wild for you with that. Well, I could try. I can try to have confidence and I can try. How is the kids, by the way? I'm still reeling with the insorseled power of that. kiss. It was weird if I'm going to be honest. For me, it was weird.

That makes messages. An exquisite kiss that danced upon the gossip of thin line between pleasure and pain. Ooh. Like, I don't know, I don't know if I liked it. It was certainly new. I'll say that. Yes. Okay.

Kissing is not a thing that dragons tend to do. Sometimes we'll blow a bunch of fire into each other's mouths, but that's how it. Oh, that's awesome. So walkers, so rarely, kiss, we're just more used to suck. off souls. Okay, some new kinks being unlocked for Momo over here. I'm writing that now.

It's a pretty woman situation. You don't kiss, you just suck off. Yes, I've never kissed, but I've sucked off thousands of souls. Does I even know if you can do that with a hot dog? I just was wondering if anyone knows if you could do that with a hot dog. I'll figure it out.

I think? A hot dog, much like myself, contains the souls of countless creatures. I'll say this, Momo. If you can't, it's time for you to leave them. Oh my God. Find someone who respects you, girl. You deserve that.

God, all right. I feel really good. This is a really good quest so far. Does anyone know this is like a weird metal glove that's glowing green? Does this do anything? Yeah, that's an acid gauntlet. Yes, that's a gauntlet of acid beam. Yeah.

Oh. You can check out anything from the library. Magical items, magic rings, books. There's amazing media. You can get your GED. There are teen programs in adult education classes, quiet rooms. They offer 3D printing, embroidery machines. This and more is available at your local library.

This is a scroll about how to play the liar. So you could like take that home and they even sometimes have liars that you can rent out. That's pretty neat. I rented a little sewing machine from my local library once and I couldn't even believe it. Yes, a lot of them have seeds. Yes. Local ones that you can plant? Seeds?

Seeds. We're big fans. the library over here. Anyways. So that's what you're rolling with, Arnie? And you take the acid gauntlet? I don't know. Well, I already have this laser gun. So I guess I don't know. Whoa.

Wow. Excuse me. Burying the lead, why don't you? I keep forgetting I have this laser gun, but I do have a laser gun. I feel like I should have more than one weapon, but like what complements a laser gun? Probably not an acid gauntlet. A trident, I hope. Hmm.

Is that what you're going with? I'm going with Trident. Can I tell you my, and girl, I support you. If that's what you want, that's what you do. But that is a- Give me your fearless feedback. Here we go. Here it is.

That is a stabbing weapon. That is the sort of like angle of trajectory that you have the least. You know what I mean? Hmm. I see what you're saying. So Trident is often only as powerful as your ability to draw it back for a long thrust.

Yeah, it's a sort of like horizontal attack I'm just worried about leverage for you. It's not a strength issue. Are people throwing tridents? Not really, no. I mean, you can. Well, mermen. And maids.

Sorry. Merman and mermaids, yes. But it's like once you throw it, then you have to go get it back. And that's like... Whereas for you, I feel like a slashing weapon is maybe what you're looking for. Yeah, but if there's a secret eye society, I stab them in their eyes, this is perfect kind of eye height. Look, she's not wrong.

Well, but Mom, we don't know that we're... going to fight the silent eye, we just have to, like, we're going to try to team up with them. You said we wanted to make contact. What's more making contact and stabbing their eyes. Yeah, sorry, Arnie, I was under the impression that we were here to fight the silent eye. No, this is kind of almost more of a diplomatic mission, which I'm realizing maybe this isn't the best group. Oh, no. I can be very persuasive. Yeah, me too. It persuade you all the way down my throat. Whoa.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Suck your soul. Right out. Wait, Arnie, you're not talking about, like, the silent eye society. Yeah, the silent eye. Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah. Are you, do you know where they're located?

I think I'm technically in that. Wait. Oh, my gosh, Mama, congratulations. Yeah. This is huge for you. This was, like, years ago. I was moving, obviously, to a new city and didn't really know anybody, and I got handed a flyer on the street.

And then I went, it's probably, yeah. I don't know if it's helpful. Let me see your right palm. And you up. Yep, there it is. That's that eye. Is this what we're talking about it? Arne is this going to be helpful if I was in it?

Yeah. Do you remember where this meeting was? No, you're not supposed to. See how the sort of like little iris in the middle of the eye on her palm moves? It's like a compass. Oh, so we follow her hand eye coordination? Yes. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I forgot I had this. I've had this like the whole time I knew you, Arne. When you never look at the thing. on the palm of your hand because you're always holding things. I guess I've always noticed there's something going on with your hand, but I didn't really want to like point it out or ask questions about it. Oh, that's nice.

Oh my gosh, Momo. They probably owe you so much money for back pay. I'm supposed to be paid by these guys? That's my understanding. I mean, I guess I don't know. Oh, wow. You've been with them for years, right? Well, yeah, I stopped going to meetings.

Oh. I went to go make friends and then. Oh, if you stopped going at meetings and stopped paying dues, then you might be in arrears. Yeah, you might owe them money, actually. So if we find them, we might owe them a bunch of money? Well, not we. Yeah, Artie, you'll pay them.

I guess it could come out of your pay. Your pay. Because if you get paid, I get paid. Guys, I hope this isn't rude. Do you mind if I quickly read an email? Sure. You're the leader, I guess. So if you think that's best for the quest line.

I guess read an email, and it's sort of a total non-secular from what we were talking about or doing. Yeah, read the room, I guess, but sure. You're the boss, I guess. Go read an email. Okay, I thought I came up with kind of a save the day, cool answer. We have it on my palm, but you're right. No, no, you're right. It seemed like we had a really good thing going.

Yeah, it feels like Moma was on the cusp of sort of blowing this whole thing wild open, but fuck me. Let's read an email, I guess. It was sort of following the gaze of Momo's hand eye, but fuck us. A bunch of total dipshits over here. No, no, email sounds good for the next thing we do. Yeah, let's sort of check in the email. I can't wait to hear what this person is written in. I'm sure it will be super relevant to the, I'm sorry, did you say world-shattering importance of the quest that we're on?

Yeah, okay. I guess I'll, I don't read it. Yeah, crack it open, big guy. Let's see what the fuck's going on in there. I guess I just have a problem with screens. Like, if I don't check my email, like, at least once an hour, I start to freak out a little bit. Look, here, I'm going to quickly, I'll read it, but I'll read it quickly. This email says, oh, it's from Jonathan Fairfax, who has emailed us before.

Hey, Arnie, thanks for reading my email. Sorry for helping start the Wizard War. You guys probably don't remember this, but during our last season finale, Jonathan Fairfax, his email was partly contributed to the Wizard War starting. Anyway, that's all water under the bridge. Are you sure you want to read whatever comes next? Oh, that's true. Because it feels like the track record is not good.

No offense to Jonathan Fairfax. This could be bad. Didn't know these emails were chaotic. Cursed. The next thing. Jonathan writes is, when I sent it, the name I use with Jonathan Fairfax, but since then have transitioned, and I'm using a new name which you can say on and off the air. It is Eon, Sterling, Galaxena, Tonets. My apologies, Eon, if I mispronounced any part of that.

Since you mentioned how much you liked my name in a couple different emails I sent, I wanted to give you a gift. Perhaps it can help you end the war we helped begin. My former name, Jonathan Graham Fairfax is now yours. I hear names have great power, so I hope it aids you. Don't die. Eon, she, they. So... Well, this is wonderful, because Eon has an incredible track record with emails that don't sort of fuck up the world.

That's true. That is true. And we can add to our arsenal. We have a laser gun, maybe a trident or a slashing weapon for Momo. I'm probably going to pass on this acid gauntlet. but we could probably check out any weapons under the name Jonathan Fairfax. And then we don't have to worry about like late fees or anything. Also, I'm going to check out this hat.

Okay, fun hat alert. Thank you. What even is this? What are we call this? This is a beret? It looks good. I'm calling this. This old flatch cap does it do anything?

Yeah, like a peeky blinders. a little brim to it. Let's this little guy. I look like you're about to sell some papes. Yes. Headlines don't sell papes. You sell paps. Yeah, that's right.

It feels good. And also, I can't imagine what weapon I could possibly. Ooh, never mind. Toothcaps. I'll take these. Wonderful. Oh, you've got a grill now. What weapons can I possibly choose?

What could possibly amplify my already chaotic and dark powers? Here's a hat. There's a lead pipe. There's a little hat. Hat on pipe. Candlestick, rope. I've kind of feel that's sort of a hat on a cloak situation.

Sure. There is a mouse-sized sword. Oh, yes. How droll, yes. Oh, no, why don't you use the mouse-sized sword? Why? No, I want that one. I'm putting the hat back.

I want that one. Did you really want it? Yes. Unless you're taking it. What are you taking? Pretty tempting. You can have the mouse eye sword. Yeah.

Mm, yes. Ooh, nice. Oh, a rope. Perfect. A rope, okay. Yes. It's over here next to this wrench and this lead pipe. Mm-hmm. All right.

So we all have some kind of weapon. Now, if only we had any leads on how to find the silent eye. Ernie, are you fucking kidding me? Arnie. Yeah. Arnie. Oh, your hand. Oh, shit.

Right, right, right, true. Remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Using my hand, I'm saying there's the thing on my palm. Okay, yeah, okay, everybody. Yeah, her eye is down here. The quest has begun. Let's all put our new weapons into the center.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me take this hourglass. Because we're starting now. Yes. Does anyone need the rules explained anymore before we start? Yeah, because I'm going to start logging time. Yes, we're logging now. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, we're on the clock now. Well, are we or are we not? No, no, no. Well, after we put our weapons in and say our catchphrase, and then the quest will begin. Okay. Great. All right.

That's a very big weapon, Momo. Oh, you scratched my face. I picked what I picked. Okay. First idea, best idea. Just kind of toss this rope in there. There we go. Mouth-sized sword.

Am I holding it? I can't really tell if I'm holding it. Teeth pick. One, two, three. Moma, please have some fucking confidence, please. But Momo, you're the only one that said the catchphrase. Yeah, you're the only one who remembered. That was a great display of confidence.

Ooh, La Lou. That's a good one. That's it. That's a catchphrase. One, two, three. Ula, Lou La Lou. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Sorry, sorry. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People are really staring at it. People have been staring at us. this whole time. I hate this free bookstore. Let's get out of here. This episode may have accomplished the impossible, making me wish the hosts were back together. Momo the Mouse with Human Strength was played by Aaron Keith.

Tourmaline, Dragon Teen, was played by sinewy rogue Zach Reno. Check out Zach's magnificent podcast, off-book, the improvised musical. The Soul Walker was played by Ross Bryant. You can see Ross in most episodes of most shows on Dropout TV. And check out Ross's new improvised horror comedy podcast, Push the Roll. He wants to point out that many members of Hello from the Magic Tavern have already been special guests on Push the Roll. Not all members, though, Ross.

Not all members. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, a behind the scenes interview with the voice of blemish, Martin Wilson. That's what I, that's the like number one memory that I have is like getting a crazy email and being like, we're going to be on a ship and we need you to kind of like jump off and you're like, yep, yep, yep, got it. No problem. It always comes together, but it's always like,

oh, yo, yo. I think it's, there's something about me that is like inherently, fuckable with a bull and actually like I think about going to and I don't know I don't know what it is I'm not I don't know I don't have like a amazing sense of humor by myself but I guess I'm not like super serious about myself but we the one time in improvise Shakespeare early on we went to a renfair that's in the that's out in the burbs and we all had to wear our like Shakespearean garb like knobs and we all went to this rent fair together like total amount that you're not that you I was like, why are there knobs on your costume? No, no, no, no.

Nob's a great term. Nob, it's almost like the word was invented for him. To hear the rest and learn more about Momo dating a hot dog, which is a real storyline from the Patreon exclusive Momo spin-off teeny tavern. And to learn more about supporting the show,

visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adol Ruffai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman, this episode edited by Tony Gullick. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

We're taking next week off for spring break and life stuff, but we'll be back on Monday, April 13th, with a new episode as we continue the run to the end of the season. Wish us luck.