Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 95 - Usidore's Team Part 2 (w/ Brooke Breit, Anthony LeBlanc & Beth Melewski)

Episode Date: April 13, 2026

Usidore, Flower, Claudia the witch and Jamilious the Mauve go undercover to break into Spintax's stronghold.CreditsUsidore: Matt YoungFlower: Brooke BreitClaudia: Beth MelewskiJamillious Washington the Mauve: Anthony LeBlancSpintax the Green: Charlie McCrackinMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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if it had all the characters from Parks and Rec in it. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. And before I get into my standard boilerplate, of how this episode didn't quite measure up to already diminished expectations, the whole Magic Tavern team wants to extend a heartfelt congratulations to Adel and Gemma on the birth of their new baby. I have been specifically directed not to make any jokes here, and to just let this be nice for once.

And while I do not take requests, I am independently deciding on my own to leave this moment alone. What a valiant choice of mine. As for this episode, some details, as the initial table setting is on the oopsie-daisy side. The hosts have split up on separate quests. This week, we return to Usador's team, which includes Flower, Claudia the Witch, and Jamilius the Molve. I believe they're trying to sneak into Spintax's stronghold by hiding in a cart being rolled through the kitchen. So let's start with some other people already working in that kitchen.

This is a beha past, though. We've got to get to the center of the stronghold. And I need everybody to be wearing their nice white sport presenting to the people that could eat the food. Uh, Giovanni. Yes. I have a question. What's your question?

When do we get to take a pipe bag? make a pipe break. Okay. I do not pay you to take pipe breaks, especially on the day like today when there are very important people here. Very important people. Guys, guys.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. I have magically made all this food. I need you to be able to put this food where it needs to go, all right? Now, whatever happens, you got to take these carts and get them to the tables where they're supposed to be.

Of course, sir. Yes, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Yes, sir. I'm so sorry. No, wait, hey, hey, hey, hey, let me come back over here again, okay? All right. I already ate half of the plate.

I eat half a plate of pasta. I'm sorry. I'm eating in 24 hours. You got us pushing these cards all over to place to see if we could build up our arm strength. They don't have a staff meal. You're not supposed to eat this stuff. Oh, crud. Have you seen that rich lady?

She's going to tear our heads off. Oh, that's socialite. Oh, nuts. I'm going to. need you to push the pasta around the plate, to make it look like there's more pasta there. I'm going back to the wizard over here to ask him for anything else. I'm already embarrassed. We should all be embarrassed of our behavior today. Okay, I'll push it around. Hey, I'm sorry. I mean, I had to come back over here. Whatever you do, make sure that you never, ever, ever do anything to these carts.

These carts are magical. They're floating on their own. power, so don't look underneath them, don't peek in them. You know, that'll make the magic fall apart, right? You're not equipped to be able to restart these cards, all right? Yes, sir, sorry, sir. Okay, all right. Keep up to go to work. Hold on, hold on, hold on. What's up with that pasta right there? What's that pasta right there? It feels like there's only...

It fell off. I took another bite. Okay, okay. This is... She's trying to cover for you. I'm sorry. I can't buy. Wow, wow, wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow. I have worked in so many strongholds where my honor has been put on display, and I have been rewarded for my good work. And I'll tell you right now, never been more embarrassed in my life. Get it together or else spin tax will have your asses. Oh, no.

Okay. I don't want that. All right. I'm going over here. Take care of me. Okay. Lots. This cart is very heavy, and I want to look at it.

I can't look at it. He's supposed to look at it. I understand. I want to look at her. I want to look at it. Giovanni, please do it. I beg of you. What if we all look together at the same time?

Yes, I'll hold hands. Can we hold hands? And we're going to lift up the metal part. And we look at my face and nothing. Our vice and metal outfits in the pasta. Oh, oh. Sorry, everyone. Hello from the Magic Tavern.

A mystical podcast. Where people's faces melt off, coming to you from underneath a mystical floating catering cart. This week I am joined, as always, by my co-Quisters, flower. Hello.

I am not flower today. I am... Oh, that's right. Debbie Newmany. Debbie Newmany. Yes, of course. How could I have forgotten Debbie Newman, that socialite who is coming to Red Spintax's stronghold for her latest soire? It's going to be the fanciest ball in town. And of course, I'm also joined by Claudia the Witch.

Oh, hello. Oh, no, sorry. I'm sorry, sir. You can't be in here. We're in a middle of a crisis. Oh, you're going to talk to Harold Bumbuts like that? We're not married yet. One day we'll be married, though, and I'll be a Bumbuts, too. No one talks to a bum butts like that. Sir, I'm really sorry, but you have to leave. I can't. What? Why are you laughing at me?

Don't laugh at me. What a fool. Oh, how rude. Of course, I'm joined by Harold Bomb Ups and Debbie Newmoney, and we're here to break into Spin Tax's abode, his great stronghold where I shall recharge the Ruby of Galazil. And buck up some shit on the way out. And of course, also our man on the inside, Jamilius them all.

Hey, you sure, you got to keep it down, man. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I've already, a couple of faces have already melted off already, right? I keep hiding all these melted face bodies. What do you want to me to do when they look under here? I just, my first instinct is to melt their faces. Look, it's hard to be able to cover this, man. Okay, how about I just wipe their memories?

That way they can get back to their job. That's better. When you wipe their memories, where their faces, Yes, when I wipe their memories, their faces definitely melt. Ha, ha, Usador. But they don't know why. Got him. Is it strange as Harold Bumbots?

I still want to have sex with Usador. Well, we can talk about it later. I'm fine with it. I debby new money is into an open marriage. Thanks, flower. All right. Now we've spent the last three weeks traveling here, planning out every single detail of this quest.

And I'm certain. Now that everyone remembers exactly what they're supposed to do, Let's synchronize our mystical timepieces on the count of three, two, one. I turned over an hourglass. Perfect. I have a bunch of crystals jangling in my pocket. Debbie. I have nuts around my ring finger.

Oh. Hey, whatever sort of timepiece works for you. Debbie, Harold, you're up. Oh, whoa, well, yeah. Let me slap my wife on the mom. Bumbuts. Oh, Harold. Harold, have you been growing that mustache for a while?

I could just kiss it off your face. I could kiss it, I tell you. Kiss it off your face. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm Spintax's valet, and I don't... I need you to tell me who you are and why you're here. Well, I'm Harold Bumbuts.

Yeah, don't you know, from the Bum butts? Oh, the Bumbutts? Yeah, the New England Bum butts. Oh, oh, oh. there's a new ing gland? Yeah. It was a... This is embarrassing for you, is what it is.

Is it? I'm mortified. And I swear to God, dude, if you don't tell my beautiful wife, Debbie New Money here, she looks good in five seconds, you're going to get a fist to the nips. Of course you look beautiful, madame. I just need to know what your business here today in Spintax's stronghold is. Well, we did make an appointment a few weeks ago. I believe we sent a bird over to tell you that we'd be coming in a few weeks to check out the place to host my ball, my introduction to society. For I am Debbie New Money, and I'm to be introduced to society.

You're renting the stronghold for your coming out ceremony? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Okay. And I demanded to test a bunch of carts full of pasta. Oh, this is the first time hearing of this. I'll have to, uh, let me check in the ledger here. There'll be new money.

Oh, bump butts. I'm sorry, I don't, I don't see anything in the book for you. But I'm so mortified that I don't know who the new in-glan, uh, bum-huts are. I'm certain that somebody nearby. Wait, look over here, look over here. Look over here. Yes. Take a look at the book again.

What? Oh, yes. Now I see you there. It appears that's at the very bottom of the page. Uh, scribble in. I don't know how I missed it the first time. Yes. Your eyes must have got caught in your can.

Harold. Is that Debbie New Money? Oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, we got the pasta already coming out. I made the finest dishes for you to try out. I mean, Spintax is honored to have you as a part of the people that might come and use the stronghold to legitimize the standing of the stronghold as a part of. a society, you know? Yes, of course.

We think it's very important that a leader such as SpinTax has a big ballroom, the biggest ballroom. Yes. So that's why we've been working on adding this huge ballroom space. We think it's very important and worthwhile venture.

Very good thing to do with your time and your money. Especially we can contribute to the ballroom expansion, right? Yes, yes, exactly. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to be rude before. Right this way, right this way. right this way. Oh, thank you. After you, my sweet cheeks. Oh, and I love your little kitty cat. Oh, yeah, we carry this

puss box wherever we go. I have paperwork that says it's a service animal and I'm allowed to have it. You don't need to tell me. I don't have to be questioned anymore about it. I have the paperwork. No, it was just a compliment, eh? I thought he was very sweet and I've never seen a cat quite that shade of blue before. Get off her back about it, man. I'm not on your back. I just, you know, I'm just leaning on this cat in here. Well, and like all cats, this cat has a hat,

because cats always wear hats. It's a cat and a hat. Excellent. Well, right this way, here, let me open the doors for you and look at the beautiful ballroom. Oh, look at all these fancy portraits. Who they? Well, this, of course, is Spintax himself.

And this is, of course, the rest of these portraits are Spintax's lovers from the last several years. Each one more elaborate and naked than the last. Oh, elaborate nakedness. This one's got four boobies. I appreciate this one is Bush Forward. Oh, Debbie, Debbie, Debbie. Oh, Debbie. Always appreciating the Forward Bush. Excuse me, would you like to sample some of this rigatoni?

I'll take a fistful. I'll eat it with my hands. We have plates and utensils if you prefer. Yes, yes, we do have things for you to serve and eat it on. Bumbuts likes his pasta from his hands. It makes it taste better with the oils in my hands. That's why we ask for the ring-shaped pasta, as anything in a tube or a ring, so that Harold can put it on his fingers and eat it off of it.

As you were, sir. That's good stuff. Bumb butts approved. Now, tell me more about the amenities in this ballroom. Now, there's clearly lots of room, but are there any places where, I don't know, and if I guess bring any crystals they want to charge or things they want to do, like, what are the amenities? Well, of course, there's a full bar, and of course,

you've seen the catering come in today. I assume since the caterers are here that your event is starting shortly, I don't know if they'll have time to charge any crystals while they're here. Show me where the bathroom is? Yes, right this way, to the facilities.

Thanks. This pasta went through me like a sieve. Now it's customary that my future fiancé and my husband and the Harold will be coming with me into the bathroom, but just the two of us and our cat, please? Yes, of course. All standard procedure. We have, of course, gender neutral bathrooms for one, two or three parties. Cool, man, that's forward-thinking. Good work. Right this way. Thank you. Bye. Okay, okay, okay.

What is our move here? What are we supposed to do? I guess we'll just ask as many questions as we can, get as much information? Great job asking where we can charge crystals. What a boob. Hey, somebody out there? Somebody out there? Can somebody pass me a roll, please?

Oh, yeah, I didn't. Someone was in this bathroom, yeah, okay. Hold on. Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to be using this. toilet, but man, I was like in the kitchen and that was just, it was just hard to get up and I had to get in here, man, I had to go real bad. Bullet paper, but we have that roll of paper that Jimilius gave us. Should we hand that over? Yeah, I've got a dinner roll in my pocket too. Yeah, we'll do that too. We got a couple different rolls here. Here you go. Here you go, a roll of paper and a dinner roll, whichever you prefer.

Well, I'll eat the dinner roll and I'll use the paper on my aunt. In the bathroom? Yeah, I got to eat where I can. man, you work 16 hours in the kitchen. What's wrong with you? Yeah, you work 16 hours in the kitchen. Yeah, you work 16 hours in a kitchen. You too aren't helping.

Oh, wow, this, I feel a little weird. This paper ain't, this paper ain't normal, man. What's wrong? I feel weird. Why can I see myself? I feel like I see myself. That paper has the last spell of the spelling on it. What are the unicorns singing?

We got to tell us about the unicorns. If I would walk in two. the sky Oh shit And you work the past by I just See you Tonight

Wow Whoa He's asleep This is the perfect opportunity For me to steal this chef's costume And sneak into the kitchen Yes Yes you so don't do it

What are you going to put on him Oh I'll turn him into a cat Don't worry Okay good Oh great Yeah because we need to carry a cat out of here for God's sakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it.

Well, just a chef and a married couple coming out of the bathroom together with that cat. They're betrothed. Even better. Yes. Well, you should get back to the kitchen. You shouldn't be out here.

Oh, so sorry. So sorry. That bathroom is Bumbuts approved. Oh, Harold. Well, I'm here to cook all the things that I normally cook here at the kitchen. Which station is open?

I'm sorry. You, where station, do you think you're supposed to be assigned to? Because right now I see a bunch of people working, and I don't see you where you needs to be. Are you me on the grill? I could be on the grill. I would love it. I would fucking love it if you were on the fucking grill.

Thank you so much for show. Thank you, Sammy. Thank you. I'm glad everyone's had some name tags on. Hey, this is your first day? Yes, I'm new here. Uh, what's your name? Bones.

Bones. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm, uh, Arnie. Oh, nice to meet you, Arnie. Uh, you know, a lot of people want their meat well done around here, so I hope you like sitting on this grill. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, trust me, I know my way around the grill. You only have the most succulent steaks, the most scintillating sausage. Why, the most becoming bacon, and of course.

the penultimate patties of lamb. Wow, you should write books. Oh, you really think so? Oh, yeah, those were beautiful descriptors. Oh, thank you. It's such a wonderful kitchen. I've never worked in such a wonderful, powerful kitchen of a wizard. Is there anything around here you think you could use me?

That's you, my man. Five chop pot. Okay, five chop pot. I'm on it. Yes. Is there any way around here that you could, you know, you know, perhaps, you know, charge up a stone or a crystal or a ruby, anything. Oh, yeah, second floor all the way in the back.

Really? Yeah. I've got to get these five chop pot up real quick. All right, I'm in charge of killing livestock, so it's nice to meet you. Six chick, make them cry. Make them. Make them cry. Six chick, make, what the hell is that mean?

Good luck, my man. Thank you, yes. This chick must be chicken. Make them cry. Lots of garlic. Hey, uh, bones. Hey, great work, great work, man. Oh, thanks.

You mind moving over to the, uh, the soup station? Can you do that right quick? Oh, yeah, let me grab my tureen. Wow, he knows all the linger. Yusir, what are you doing, man? I was trying to figure out where I had to charge the crystal. And I know, but what'd you do with the chef that was, that was here before? Did you melt his face off too?

No, no, no, no. I just, I just gave him some LSD in the bathroom. stole his clothes, turned him into a cat, and gave him to flower on Claudia. And he three wets? Three wets? Three wet?

What? Just wet? Yeah, you gotta... You gotta get some sandwiches, dip them, and then, uh, then spooks and parsley on them.

What the hell would you want a wet sandwich? I mean, some people like that. Really? Yeah, they put the meat in there, they put the whole bread in there. It's kind of crazy.

All right. Wet sandwich. I'm just putting water on it. Is that right? It's just wet, it's just wet from water. Yeah, It's got to be, it's also has some meat juice in there, too.

Oh, that makes a lot more sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you first said wet sandwich, I was like, they just want to dip the sandwich in water. That's crazy. Well, some people do. I mean, goblins love to do that, you know? It gets it down their gullet a little easily. Oh.

Crabbs on a walk. Okay, any crabs on a walk. I assume that's just live crabs. I'll just let some of these go. You're right. People like to just capture their own food. It's a real dog to see here. Yeah.

It's fun. It's a good time. You play with your food. It's really awesome. It's an experience, you know. Hey, look, look, You have to be able to make sure you can also cook While you also charge the Ruby

You chose something that that can't work together, man But I have to get up to the second floor to charge the Ruby Oh, what am I done? It's all right, it's all right. Look, I got an idea. I got an idea. Yeah, yeah. Every once in a while, we send a personal chef up To actually like talk about the dishes

But the thing is you have to not go all the way up to the actual office You know what I mean? Because otherwise, it's been So I know you're here. That's true. But if you send me out, I'll talk to anyone along the way about all the special dishes. I'll really sell it to everyone in the party. Stop by, but don't go to the main office, all right?

Stop by, don't go to the main office. Okay, here I go. Yes, Jamilius, I'll go and tell everyone about the delicious food that was serving. Make sure everybody understands that this is how you serve a perfect crying chick, all right? Okay. That didn't land where I thought it was going to. And he is not going to look under the cart, no matter what happens. No, don't ever look under the cart.

Don't do that. You know what? Bones has been working here 30 years, and I don't get to talk to the people. There's a reason for that, Bones. There's a reason for that. Yes. Pushing one of the carts. Excellent.

Got it. Got the ruby right here. Sir, sir, may I interest you in some of this delicious Let's see what's under this closh. Some of this delicious creme brulee. Oh, yeah, that's my favorite. Oh, excellent. It has a very crispy exterior

from caramelizing the sugar right on top of the cream. Oh, you seem to really know your stuff. Oh, yes. There's nothing like a custard with a crust. A custard with a crust. Yeah. How much is this going to set me back?

Well, it's complimentary. It's part of the event that they're holding here. this evening for Debbie Newman and her husband. They're not married. Yes, well, they're betrothed. They're intended. Yes, sorry. So sorry. So sorry.

They just have that married energy, you know, you know? Yeah, but they're not married. I get it. I get it. All right, let me test this brule. I'm going to tap my spoon on the top to see if it's... Excellent. Okay. Yeah, this is, this passes. Thanks, man. Yes, excellent. It was a pleasure to meet you.

How do you know the new monies? Oh, well, I'm going to be the priest at their wedding when they do get married. I'm so sorry. I wasn't trying to take your job away from you when I said that they were married before. Okay. Well, you know, you're lucky I'm a man of the cloth. You're threatening me now? You want to get into a fight?

You know what? Why don't you get the fuck out of my face? You get the fuck out of my face. Why don't you get the fuck out of my face? The fuck out of my face. Get a fuck out of my face. Fuck out of my face. This is delicious.

Thank you. Not married. I know. Would anyone else like to sample some of the food that was serving here today? I'll have a bite. This is a weeping chick. Weeping chick. It's an undercooked chicken.

I love undercooked chicken. Oh, you do. The closer to life, the closer to wife. Huh. Well, you know they're not married, right? I do. I want to marry this chicken now. I wish it was legal.

I'd marry this chicken today. Huh, really? you'd marry this dead piece of chicken. Yes. It fills me with joy and it listens to me. Okay, I'm going to be moving on. Is anyone else what to sample some of the food here today? Yeah, I'd like to sample some of that food.

Oh, yes, of course. Is there anything wet up in there? Oh, yes. I have this delicious beef sandwich with peppers dipped in au jus. Is it organic? Did you kill it today? It was killed the day? It was killed this morning.

Right before I got here, I saw it, I saw the last embers of life as they left the eye of the animal. Did it suffer? Did it suffer a lot? Did it feel the pain when you actually like slit its throat? Did you want it to suffer? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, then it definitely suffered.

It felt a lot of pain. It was very, and it cried out, Mama, first words it ever spoke. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that. Yeah. So, so whenever you, whenever you dipped it, when you dipped it, did you put it in juice or you put it in water? Should I kept talking to that last guy. Yeah, we put it in, I put it in water, but then I was corrected and put it into juice.

Oh, man, I just like straight water, man. I'm just a water man. I'm just a water man, you know what I mean? Yeah, let me reach under the cart here. We've got just a plain wet one. Oh, okay. All right. You know what?

You're good people. Oh, you're good people. Yeah, you're good people. Well, I'm actually goblin. I ain't people, but you know. Oh, a goblin. I mean, you're a sentient creature. All goblins are people.

Goblin, those food. Am I right? Yeah. Excuse me, I gotta get this crab. It's walking. Yeah, that's self-service. Enjoy the crabs. Grab as many crabs as you want. They're just walking around.

All right. I'm just going to leave this cart here. I open this door to the back of the second floor, and I hear Spintax addressing the crowd. It's so dim in here. What is glowing in the corner? Looks like a well or some sort of... Oh, it's another toilet. All right, I don't...

But it's glowing. Put the gem in the toilet. I put that stone in the toilet? That can't be right. But this is where Bones said it was, and if I trust anyone, I trust Bones. Put the gem in the toilet. What? Who is that?

Put the gem in the toilet. We would never steal you wrong. Put the gem in the toilet. Put the gem in the toilet. Here. Spirits, who are you? Tell me your purpose for being here. I desperately want to put the gem in the toilet,

but it's critical to my quest that I charge this ruby of Galazil. We just want to see the gem in the toilet. You just want to see the gem. It's so pretty. All right. Yeah, it'll look really nice in the toilet. Yes, well, I'll do as you say. I'm placing the gem in the toilet.

Uh-huh. Will that charge it, spirits? Will that charge it? It'll charge us. We'll get, we like this. This is nice. Yeah, we want to see it. Nice.

This is a... I've got the stone on a chain around my neck. So I'm going to have to kind of straddle the toilet backwards. Oh, yeah. If that makes sense, I kind of have my legs facing the back of the top. toilet. Oh yeah, the scat fairies love this. I'm going to pull up these chef's whites so I can pull up my robes underneath the chef's whites. You can just also keep them on if you want to. Then the poop won't go in the toilet. Yeah, the scat fairies like that even more.

Scat fairies. Damn it. This doesn't have anything to do with charging this damn crystal. We never said it did. I got to get out of here. All right, everyone. Keep listening. I'm sure I'll find a place to charge it right after this break. I barely escape the Scat Fairies. I'm going to push this cart over the next door here on the back of the hall.

Oh, Spintak's still droning on. Oof. Yeah. What's inside here? It's dark again. Why doesn't he light these fucking rooms? There. Oh, I see it.

Pure red glowing energy. The perfect place to float a crystal. Stone of Galazil. Return to your former glory. Here I place you upon this altar and let the energies of this stronghold of this bastard spin tax fill you so that you may ultimately become his undoing.

What have you done with my stone? Galazil? Yes, it's me, Galazil. I thought you were long dead. I am, I am but a spirit that gets released every time my stone is charged. Well, here's the thing. I really need this stone. I don't know how awake you've been or aware of what's been going on in Foon,

and I hate to spend a lot of time kind of rehashing plot. But generally, the wizards suck, and I was going to use this stone to try to destroy them, at least the ones that aren't set free by the LSD. Okay, I don't give the fuck, and I don't even know who you are. You don't know who I am? No idea of my stone. Okay, never invited me to your parties. Remember, I'm Usador.

You remember my friend Jamilius, and you wouldn't invite us over, and we would go off and do our own thing? None of this is ringing a bell for me. Fuck, fuck. 75% charge. Well, here's the thing. I am the blue wizard of light and shadow, and it is my duty to protect Foon in all of its glory. For many years ago, the goddesses of Foon demanded that there be a champion,

a champion who would stride forth into this world and set all of the little children and the downtrodden free from the forces of you, whether it be the Dark Lord or whether it be a wizard turned evil. That's a charge of status now. 90% charge. Okay. Take it off the charger. I'm only alive when it's on the charger.

Oh, you're only alive what's on the charger. Well, then let's just keep talking. How have you been? If I leave it on the charger, we could get to know each other, though. What would you like to do now that you're alive again? No, I'm taking off the charger. 99% charge. I'd love to spend some more time with you, like really get to know you.

Perhaps you want to take a cooking class together? Or maybe those wine and paint classes? And it should take it off. 99.5% charge. I, I, I, I, I'd love to take it off. Fuck it, that's enough. I, wait a minute. I thought I heard Galazil up here.

I was gonna bring him a tureen of soup. What, what, what are you doing up here, man? Oh, uh, I just got lost on my way back to the kitchen. Uh, uh. Oh, hmm. Uh, yeah, I was just straight, just, uh, just, uh, I got a loss turned into the wrong room. We went to another room. There's some scat fairies in there.

Have you ever met those guys? Oh, yeah. Pretty weird. Ew. You're going to get the hell out of here, dude. None of us are supposed to be up here. Oh, yeah. I'll just go back down to the kitchen now.

It was great to meet you, Bones. I'll see you tomorrow at work. Okay. I can't wait. If you don't show up tomorrow, I'm probably going to kill myself. What? Yeah. That seems like an overreaction.

Nah. What if I just get, what if something happens to me? My mom's sick or something. I'm gonna end it. If you don't come back, man, you're my best friend at work. I'm not your best friend. We barely, I barely remember your name. You're my best friend, and if you don't come back, this is it for me.

Fucking hell. I'll be here tomorrow. You promise me? I promise you. With everything you have? Yeah. Yeah, with everything I have, I promise. All right, I'll see tomorrow, man.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. All right. All right, see you. You so don't have a team. You should order team. Yeah. You got it? You charge?

It is. I'm speaking to you through my mind. Okay. Yes. I have charged the Ruby of Galazil to nearly full strength. We must make our escape. Let's meet in the lobby. And then fuck some shit up on the way out.

All right. Roger. Right. See you in a moment. All right, Bones. See you tomorrow. Oh, man. I better see you.

Oh, I don't want to die. I don't want you to die. Okay. You're my best friend. Can you take this car back down to the kitchen for me, best buddy? You bet you're my pal. All right, see you tomorrow. All right, I love you, dude.

All right, all right. I gotta go. Is everyone here? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, I put everybody to work in the kitchen. It is a little bit busy back there, but I think we can get out. Okay. I really love playing Harold Bumbats.

This is really the role of my life. It's honestly, like, there is such a thin veil of where hair. The world begins and Claudia ends. It's true. It's just I see that in you so deeply. Thank you, my love. This is nice. This is nice.

The only hard part is we have to get past the valet. All right? This guy is the smartest person I've ever, he might as well. It's almost close to a wizard as a wizard can be, you know, but not being a wizard. Wait, wait, before we leave, if I just want to move a couple of chachis around to be in different places, so it's a little unsettling. That will drive Spintax crazy You're gonna turn this around the other way Excuse me

Excuse me Why are you moving things around here? I was, uh, they fell down And I was just putting them back where they Belong and also the energy of the room was off Yeah, you're gonna talk to my wife like that? I don't believe you're married yet Damn, you're gonna talk to my fiancee like that?

We're so close, it feels like we're married Even if it's not paper, yeah. That's what I was saying. What the room looked like? you know, in different configurations, you know? Yes, yes, yes, that's right. Yes, Janelius, I've noticed you've been spending a lot of time with our guests. Oh, yeah, you know, I just to make sure that, you know, I am the head caterer out there,

make sure that they have the best experience possible so they give the most money possible, you know? Yes, and you, chef, what are you doing out of the kitchen? Oh, well, I'm simply helping Jimilius here as a head caterer, Just Alba-Farating assistance So you're taking a cart around Would you like Oh damn, I gave the cart to bones I could run to the kitchen and get you something to eat, perhaps

You know what? You have a lot of questions So I have a question for you Yes Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck am I? Get him, baby I am the valet of Spintax the Green The one of the most powerful wizards who's ever lived

Nay, the most powerful wizard who has ever lived And I do his bidding What the fuck does that mean? Do you park his car? Wait, no, I tint with every need. Did you say taint? Yeah, get him, baby. What? No, I said tinned, tinned, taint.

Taint, taint, taint, taint, taint, taint. Taint. Taint. I think got an an aneurism. Wow. That was incredible. That was insane. All right, let's set the lobby on fire and go. Got a patrol, cat, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y.

Miao, meo, meow, me. We go. Oh, shit. I got to turn that cat back into a chef. He's going to be naked. He's going to be naked. Balakalaf. Malakalath tomorrow.

Here's your hat. Here's your hat. Tomorrow, come to work. Your name is Arnie and your best friend is bones. I've never had a best friend before. Your name is Arny now. Your best friend is bones. Don't miss work tomorrow.

Okay. That's all I remember. Why is my face half melted? Everyone else run! Let's go! Quickly into the woods! Actually, I don't know why I ran with you guys. I could have just stayed in the kitchen.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you should just walk back in there. Tell them you chased us out. Okay. Put up a fire. You're a team. That's right. But before you go, Jamilius,

I owe you a debt of thanks. And I know that I shall call upon you again in our hour of greatest need. Yeah, I'll be there for you. I'll be there. Because you know what? Usador? You're a real one.

You are the realest. Good luck, my friend. May the goddesses bless your every step. Thank you. Thanks for the pasta. Flower. Claudia. Yes.

Yeah? I must head to Westerin. The forest on the south side of northeastia. This is where we part ways. But please, if you need anything, you need But call and I shall be there for you as you have been there for me. Oh, you so doorm. The feelings pop hard when I see you every time I see you.

I, I feel the same and let us now form an open-faced sandwich before I go. Okay, but like I want to be on top of you have to be Harold when you're facing me. And then you can be, unless you're into the call, you could be Claudia when you're facing. Who's the open part? Is it just you guys? Was I not involved in this at all? No, you're good. You're good.

You can look at the back of my head. I'll look at you as Harold. Oh, yay. Yeah, baby. Oh, Harold. I'd love to watch this. Maybe we can just have a little bit of fun and let you go. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Claudia. Come on. Run! Well, this podcast has now ruined open-faced sandwiches for me. Is nothing sacred? Usital the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Flower, the Talking Flower, was played by Brooke Bright.

Claudia the Witch was played by Beth Maluski. If you want to see Beth perform live, stop by any coffee shot where they've added oat milk instead of 2% to her latte. That's a performance you won't soon forget. Also, check out the Improvise Shakespeare Company at Eye. I.O. Chicago. And two dead-ass hoes at the home theater every other Wednesday. Jamilius the Moll was played by Anthony LeBlanc. Check out Anthony with deep schwa every Sunday at 8 p.m. at the theater in Chicago. The muffled sound of Spintax the Green from another room was Charlie McCracken.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. The most recent bonus is a recording of the Magic Tavern Live show in Richmond, Virginia, which became a celebration of Usenor's birthday because it was in fact Matt Young's birthday. Enjoy this clip.

That's a little cheesy, but kind of fun. Interesting. That's all I have to say about that. There was not the uproar of excitement I expected there to be. I guess if I knew more about these lost boys, I might be

Well, you know, it's a beachside community and everything seems fine there, you know, just a couple of Corrie's hanging out, running around town. But what they don't know is that there are teenage vampires killing people. Also, there's a saxophone player on the beach. Hello.

Wait, wait, my interest is entirely contingent on this question. What type of shirt is he wearing? He's wearing, not. He's wearing like a vest, I think. Arnie, you got so excited. He asked what kind of shirt. You said he's wearing not. Not, not a shirt.

That's how excited you are, Arne. Holy shit. He's wearing not shirt. Only good can happen. He's wearing that shirt. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by

Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young, and Adul Ruffai. Post-production Coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode, by Anna Hoverman. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. See you back here next week with a visit to Chon's team.

I can't believe they set the lobby on fire and melted my face. I just need to sit here for a moment and read my paper. And the toilet? Yes. Yeah. Oh, read it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead and read it. Oh, yeah. I'm just reading it. the paper here from the toilet it's, it appears that Usador the wizard has been

sighted in this area. Oh, shit! Make it a coil. Make it a big old. Dairy queen. Chip chip, chip, chippity chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip. Can't I have a moment of peace? Yeah, someone had corn.