Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 96 - Chunt's Team Part 2 (w/ Mark McConville, Blaine Swen & Janet Varney)

Episode Date: April 20, 2026

Chunt, Arnor, and Axelrod Remax the real estate agent try to solve the mysteries of the temple with the help of the evil Red Queen Merzia.CreditsChunt: Adal RifaiAxelrod ReMax: Mark McConvilleArnor: Blaine SwenThe Red Queen Merzia: Janet VarneyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. If things sound different this week, it's not that we've become riveting. It's that the hosts of the show are on separate quests. This time we return to Chunt's team, which includes Arnold the Warrior and Axelrod Remax, the real estate agent, and possibly a third team member who will pop up eventually. Let's take a listen. Oh, that's a heavy door. I didn't think that viscous key would work, but I guess we just ported in the keyhole.

I missed broth. It's a security feature. Wait, what was that, Axelrod? The viscous key is a security feature for this property. What? In what way? How many keys have you ever seen in your life, Honor, the Warrior? Well, several keys, but never a viscous.

And what were they made of? Metal. Yeah. Stone, of course. But this key chunk. is liquid That's right. It cannot be replicated

unless four placebo genies do the nasty. Oh, I don't want to be a foreman at that factory. Wink, wink. No locksmith and foon could unlock this lock.

This temple is as secure as anything you've ever experienced. Oh my, oh my god, is this. Yes. Arnor, I forgot to mention when, I mean, we've been traipsing through the rainforest for a while. I called each of you specifically because of a skill set you possess.

So obviously you're, you know, the muscle. You're the big man, kind of the protector. I'm the getaway guy where if I see something dangerous, I'll yell, hey, get away, guys, get away. And Axelrod here is the sort of mastermind. He, I believe, sold Tanya the Tired, this temple. Yes, before this was a temple, it was a simple two-bedroom bungalow. They did expansive renovations. Wow.

And so now you can see the vista. A lot of natural light. And I know it's probably not worth mentioning, but also, um, broth. I miss broth. What was broth's purpose on it, just sort of solving rainforest stuff and talking about quack Donald's? Would you believe I just kind of met broth at the, at the beginning of the path? At the beginning of the rainforest path, yeah. So what you're saying is, broth, who we traveled through,

A terrible series of terrible rainforest puzzles and such. Broth was not there for any reason. No, I mean, I told you guys I... Just like a cool hang. Not even. Well, I feel like in the end, Broth proved to be an emotional anchor for me, you know? Honda P. Deep motivating figure.

Honor, Broth brought the best out of you, tapping into your emotions. It's true. It's true. It's beautiful to see you. save broth. When I mentioned, I had assembled Chantz Crew, trademark tattoos. Chantz crew. Chantz crew. Chantz crew. I know I said it was four members, but like I said, broth was just kind of at the beginning of the path, and we kind of were fast friends. Oh, I seriously thought we would get in this temple, get what you need, and get the hell out of

you because of broth. We actually needed one skill set that none of us possess, which is insight into evil, which is why I've called the Red Queen Merzia to be a part of the crew. She said she'd meet us here. What? How? Red Queen. Red Queen.

Oh, is her gas escape? Oh. Hello, everyone. Hi. Oh, it's great to see everyone. Hey. Especially those of you I haven't seen before. Yes.

Everyone, please introduce yourself. This is the Red Queen Mercia, the undead needle tooth beauty. And don't let these needle teeth. I was going to say intimidate you. Now I just want to say infuriate. Don't let these needle teeth infuriate you. Don't let my cobweb hair bother you, or these bike handlebars.

I, for some reason, have growing out of the side of my head like antlers. Just a normal, evil dead red queen. Hello. Arnor, put your weapon away and hear her out. You have big shoes to fill, you understand? Nobody can ever take broth's place. Not in my heart. You were traveling with someone named broth?

It's a common name in this region, okay? There's tons of broths. I have so close to piecing out right now. That is, I do not want to step into the shoes of someone named broth. The shoes are going to be soggy as head. Right, and that's the thing is, oh, Red Queen, we've been on such a haggering journey, right guys? Whoa, the stuff we encountered. Oh, yes.

You wouldn't believe the vines we had to swim. wing, a grand chasm that was very tough and not fun. Yes, it definitely wasn't a casual walk until I had to battle a giant squid to save my one true friend.

Yes, and I had to suck the poison out of a frog. Yeah. All of that sounds extremely unpleasant. I noticed that you described the trip as haggering. Now, I don't know that to be a word, so I can only assume you're calling me a hag. I don't care for that.

I'm honestly asking this question. Who said that? I thought Chunt said it. That sounds right. Maybe I misheard. Oh, good, because I was replaying everything that I yelled. I was sort of going, would I say something like that? And I guess I would.

I don't know. I think it was. Chant and I have a bit of a history. Yes. He was the last to win me over between his two friends or cousins or uncles or whatever they ended up being. But in the end, we became permabuddies. Yes, oh that's right, permabodies. And we're doing great.

What's that been? That's just like when you're closer to someone than your own family and you, in many cases, allow her to, you know, make decisions for you about your life and death, etc. Yeah, I'd say, Arnor, if I may, broth is probably a permap buddy to you at this point. I would feel that's true, chunt, yes. Because you guys have sort of, by the end you had sort of a broth and brachel situation kind of going on, And Axelrod, I would say, you know, probably you and your ex have sort of a permafrostage. She's not my ex.

She was acquired by my enemy, Zillow. Right, right, right, exactly. Did your ex also give you a tactical chastity belt that you now wear around your neck? Tactical chastity belt? Sort of a spiritual chastity belt. It's sort of an invisible, unspoken, chastity belt, if you know what I'm saying? I don't. No, I don't.

Those are the ones that make you feel the most guilty. Let's just say I've been wandering the desert. No, let me ask you something. Please. Why am I here? Queen Mercia? I thought... Mers?

You summoned me and you said, you're going to love this. And then you did two sets of ellipses, which I thought was a little extravagant. Yes, we... But now I'm here, and I need to know what you need me for. We just thought the three of us. We all thought this would be a... Haggering experience. How dare you?

something we're floating. You know, words don't exist until someone is brave enough to sort of float them out there. Yes. We thought this might be a haggaring experience and that there might be some evil entities set up as traps in the temple. And I thought, who better to ask than my permabody who would help us maybe diffuse or, you know, pass these tests? Oh, I'd love to be a part of anything. I'd love to see little outside evil. It's like when you, well, this is an earth thing.

I've heard that people go on and look at like other people. people's houses to see what they're worth and stuff. And I don't know what that's called, but this is like that. It's like I'm going to see what other people's evils look like, and then I can gossip later with my friends about whether or not I'd have those evils or live in those evils. Queen Murcia, may I say, I do a bit of that myself. I'll go to a new town.

I'll put up the banner of the red fin and I'll peruse properties. I am starting to feel a real bond with you, and not just because we both have weird hissy voices. I'll say around, like, Christmas time, I love when it gets dark out, riding a horse by people's windows and looking inside. And kind of seeing what Chris must is what they must do for Chris kind of thing. It's just so fun to be kind of a peeping time. It is the most wonderful time of the year. Orner, what about you?

Do you like kind of looking into other people's lives? Well, mostly I'm looking into my own right now, chunt. My memories are slowly starting to come back And with him a lot of different emotions Confusing emotions Yeah I feel like a two-bedroom bungalow That's being built back into a palace

A palace that was Wait no okay I feel like a palace That was Yes Keep going I feel like a Yes

Okay Talk your way through So I was a I was born a two-bedroom bungalow I was built into a palace and then I was crashed down except for the original two-bedroom bungalow and now, brick by brick, I'm building my palace again.

Yes. Which leads me to a question, is the original bungalow still part of the existing structure or was it a tear-down? You're standing in it, friend. Oh, I thought this was a mudroom. It was a mudroom when it was a bungalow, but now because it's a temple, of course,

you've got this sort of like really big, open area with a kitchen island in it. Wow. Surrounded by water or I guess it's an island. Of course it's water. What are you talking of? Why would it be called an island, John? Yeah, you're right.

My concern, and I hope I'm already showing up to do my stuff here because I am very flattered that you ask me. My immediate concern is that to me, that quote-unquote water around that island, I feel maybe acid. Acid, I said, which is a lot more dangerous than acid. Sort of like haggard. I know it sounded like I was smothering a laugh. You don't have to tell me, you don't have to tell me, sister. So haggering sounds pretty good, actually. So what you're going to want to do is you're not going to want to get burned alive by that acid.

And Queen Merziah, that's why you're part of the team. That's why you're part of Chunt's crew. Chance crew. Chants crew. Chons crew. Oh, my. I'm so sorry. That gives me an idea.

I can take care of this acid. Stand back, and I will blow this acid away. Oh, not only did it blow away, it ate away the wall that we would have had to figure out how to get through later. Short cut. That's awesome. Yes, according to my maps and sort of the, you know how you can look down and see the floor plan of the temple? Now we don't have to go down this long hallway of spikes. We can subvert it and go around.

Oh, actually, that sounds kind of fun. Oh, do you want to go through? We can still go through the whole way of Spikes. Would you guys mind if we... I just, I wouldn't get the full experience. Is that okay? Yeah, sure. Why not?

Why not? Just one moment. If we're doing this, if we're really odd opening this house, I do have to start baking these cookies. Right. Right. Everyone loves the smell of freshly baked cookies. You don't have to tell me, sister.

Now, so I understand you're having a little bit of a Spike Jones and that you do want... to go into the Spikes area. So if you insist, we can make that happen. What else would you call Jones in for Spikes? But Spike Jones. Exactly.

Exactly. Well, whoever did this renovation had to Spike Jones, because look at how gaudy these things are. It's really going to bring the value of this property down. Oh, rats. There are rats. Yes, that's in the next room. That's correct.

Okay, so let's, uh, is that? everyone cool going through the spikes, or did you guys want to run ahead and get the cookies going? No, I could do the cookies on my own. I've got sort of a self-baking oven or whatever it is. I don't even remember. But what is important is, just look at how this place has fallen into disrepair. It's like no one's been in here for so long. Yes. It's like no one's been caught in these spikes for so long you'd forget that they could harm a body. Yeah. It's almost as if this temple had been abandoned. Yeah. I hope, Tony, the tired is still somewhere in the deep sort of dark heart of this temple.

Where is the main chamber, Axelrod? It's just beyond the rat room that's at the end of the hallway, full of spikes, and there's a half bath there if you do need to do your business. Smart. Smart to put a half bath there. Yes, a half bath. Sometimes I like to take a quick half bath. You don't need to clean your entire body. It is not necessary.

Mostly just the legs. Tits and pits, I say. If I need to take a full piss, should I... Is there like a... That's a separate room, Chunt. Good to know. Just, that's why I ask. That's why I ask.

Okay, let's... Oh, please. No, I was just going to guide us past the spikes. It's fair to say there's probably poison on each tip. So you're going to want to go ahead and avoid those unless you like the ideas. Maybe Chunt could just kiss them away. Come on, man. Oh, I'm sorry.

Mersiat, let me catch you up here. While we were on a walk through the rainforest, there was a poisonous frog that Chunk chose to kiss. In kissing the poisonous frog, he activated its poison, and it died. Queen Mercy, let me ask you, if you hear about a poison creature, you assume they have poison to kill their prey or any, right? Yes, of course. But this thing, I've never seen this in my fucking life. I kiss this frog just to make sure that it's not a prey. and he starts to melt.

Turns out it's a poisonous frog because when you touch it, it poisons itself. And that's revenge. That's what they say about revenge. It's like if someone hurts you and you want something bad to happen to them, it's like you're the one kissing the poison. You're the one. It's like you're the frog. It's like someone's kissing you.

You're the frog now, man. And you're the poison. You're the frog now, dog. I'm a bungalow. I'm a bungalow that's a palace. And you're a bungalow. Any bungalow can become a palace. Always remember that honor?

Yes, yes. Very good. I do have a follow-up question. It seems relevant. For me? Mertzia. Oh. Yes.

We traveiled. Traveiled? Is that a word? Test it out. Test it out. Hmm. We traveiled the path through the rainforest and succumbed to several puzzles in the jungle. How did you get here?

You seem to just be. There doesn't seem to be any. anything wrong with you? You didn't have to watch Jeannie's fuck? What happened? I aspirated here. I was able to

aspirate my way right over here and in my case where the place, the location at which I start, I have to have five placebos do the nasty and that's how I'm able to aspirate. So once they had completed their dirty, dirty

sexy deed, I was able to get here in a whip of a Scorpions twitch. Must be nice. Must be nice. Well, let's something to aspire to, yes. Agreed. Well, let's take a

break, and we'll be her right to pack. Okay, so let's all just kind of hug the wall, scoge around these spikes. And... We'll hug the wall, you kiss the spikes, a little hug-and-kiss technique. Okay.

Oh, look at them melt. The spikes are melting. Shant is something... Surely. Something you're not telling us? Are you sure was the frog that was poisonous? Maybe it's something I ate. I don't know what's going on. I just, I have meltmouth.

You probably had some quack donalds. Yeah, broth. Broth did have some quackets, which I guess are their version of nuggets. And I did eat one, so I don't know if it's that, but yeah, my butthole's been burning. Well, let's, I'm fine, so let's... Kiss away, chun. Kiss away. Follow my kisses.

I'd love to hear a little more affection in those cases. Let me grab the back of the spike here. Yeah, that's great. Let me put the, sorry, I put those Spike's hair behind its ear. Be careful. Be a little more careful. You're dangerously approaching touching the poison tip. Although, again, I don't know what crazy magical skills you have.

They're able to kiss these away. And we're through, okay? It looks like up ahead is a hall of portraits. assume they're going to talk or scream or something. Somebody else wanted to take the lead here? Well, this, of course, is the rat. This is the rat room. Oh, right.

So all the portraits are of rat nobility. Oh. Does anybody mind if I take a quick half bath? I wish you would. Tits and pits? Yes, yes. I'll be back in just a minute. Now a three-quarter bath, of course, is tits, pits and where you shits.

Tits, pits. Hey, and hey, Axelrod, real quick. I just need you. Let me get my bag out here, get Arnie's microphone out. Just into the microphone, I already told me to do this. Can you just real quick say, I, Axelrod, sign off on any merch involving the phrase tits, pits, and where you shits? Hey, Arnie Neacamp, this is your old pal Axelrod Remax, reminding you that any sort of merchandise that you wanted to sell would be fine as long as my likeness as they are. Axelrod Remax, out.

Perfect, perfect, perfect, just in case, because I do want a framed poster in my bathroom that says, uh, pits. What was it, pits, pits, and where you shits? You've got it, chunt. Hell, yeah, okay. Ah, that hit the spot. Oh! I feel like a brand new bungalow. You smell wonderful.

What, what, this place seems so deserted. Was there some sort of soap or potion in there? There was some kind of popery spray. I assumed it was complimentary. I just used it. Just kind of spritz it around and then walked through the mist. Oh, ooh, I'm feeling a little... Oh, Chant, are you all right?

I'm feeling a little dizzy. I don't know what's in that Pupor... Chant? Chant! No. Chant! No. Chant.

He's asleep. Sorry, I thought I could scare him into waking up. Chant! Hey, you! Dear God! Pist! Pist! Oh, he is out.

Why would the Pauperie knock him out? I don't understand. We're all fine. I mean, I'm affected by very little being fairly not alive. And of course, my real estate license protects me from evil. I've got to get rid of this scent. Is there a full bath somewhere in this palace? It's down this hall, but before we go, may I tell you, I am here under a dual purpose?

Oh, my. I want to help chunt the badger, for he has helped me in the past, shape-shifting, going into homes, giving me information about apartments, dot com. But one day in the near future, when the wizards are feuding, I plan to acquire the great halls of Tarrakus, the very domicile of all of the wizards in Foon. Can you imagine the power, Queen Murcia? Can you imagine the power, honor the warrior? The three of us could rule over Foon with all of the wizards and their knowledge at our disposal. We could live there. There's 15 bedrooms

There's a super cool kitchen There's a basement that's like a rec room They've got a ping pong table down there Don't tell me I don't want one of those single bowling alley Lane things those things just so that seems like a waste That's in the backhouse of course I shan't visit there Imagine the triumvirate of power that we could

Forge here in this temple of Tabitha the tired or whatever the fuck I don't Tanya Tanya But let me ask you you this. It kind of feels like when you say you have a dual purpose, it feels like the first thing you said is like barely there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's like... It's like... It's like... I like Chanty's fun and he can turn into an ant or a lizard or whatever you need him to do, but also like he's sort of an idiot, you know? So what, I was... We're talking about... Don't talk about my

permabody like that. Don't talk about... Oh, I forgot about that. Yes, he's your permapuddy. And so, you know, he can come live there. You know, he could turn into different animals for a leisure. So it's just down this hole? Is the full bath? Yes.

Oh, yes. Honor, you are unaffected by this offer. Is it is? I gotta go. I gotta go give this stink off me. I believe in the renovation they put in a sweet jacuzzi tub. Daddy's home for breakfast. Wait, so if it's four out of four, and it sounds like he's coming to, but very quickly.

Daddy's home for breakfast? Tits, tits, pits, wear your shits. And nits? Like if you have lice? Is that a full bath? Nits, pits, tits, and where you shit? Okay. Just wanted to make sure. Chant, are you okay? Chant?

Uh-huh. Sorry, I don't know what happened. Where are we? Where are we? Whoa. Whoa. Did I even try to stand up and I fell down. Oh, what is?

Where are we? Is this a rat museum? Or went to go shower off the, or I guess put some other spray to cancel out the spray that he came in with. That really knocked you out, kid. Oh, yeah, the spray, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the popery, I think, I think the poison on my lips from the spikes reacted with the potpourri to form some sort of poisonry. Is that, is that something? Poisonry? Hmm.

Popa poison? I mean, what are you going for? Popa poison. Is that something? That's a good place to start. Poison, poison, poison. Poison. It is in full effect.

Well, let's, oh, okay. Standing outside of the bedchamber of Tanya the tire. Oh. There, how's this? How do I smell? I wash my tits, my pits where I shits, the parts of me that knits, and the place that spits. You've really gone full bathroom. Five out of five. Chant, are you okay?

Yeah, did you spray any more poperee? Oh, no, there was a potpourri spray. I couldn't resist it. Was it the same popery? There was a popery you went in there specifically to that use? Well, it was a different... This one was a blue bottle. Before it was a green...

I thought it was a different... But the same logo? It was the same logo, yes. Same logo. Okay, because, okay, Arnaud, when we were in the swamps, I did think that you had an intellect that was hidden by your muscles. But now I see, you are not able to distinguish between blue and green popery. It's still potpourri, my friend.

But the other bottle was blue, you see. It was blue. Not to worry. Right outside this door, there's a swimming pool, and next to the pool is an outdoor cleansing area. So please, step outside this door, clean all of that off of you so that shunt does not stay asleep, but do not use any popery that might be there. Do you understand, friend?

Well, I understand this, but you've never stood in front of a bottle of potpourri like this, and they told yourself, don't sprit it. Out you go, Arnor, and please, again, do not use the popery. Yes, do not. Goodbye, friend. Don't use the potpoury. Don't use the pupary. Mertia, think of the untold power that you and I...

I've been doing nothing but ever since you dropped that hint, which was all... Seriously, like, maybe we don't have Arnor do it because he does seem like stupid. I don't think he's a fit. He's super strong and everything. We could use his muscle for, you know, sort of purpose, but ultimately, the magic that is in the great halls of Taracas is so intoxicating and powerful. I am a thousand percent

in. Say no more. Say no more. Great. So what I was thinking is we sort of A rat was I once, but now I'm a mouse. Three puzzles you must solve within this house. Oh, I thought we were all the way past the rat room, but now I realize

that these rat portraits extend all the way up to this door, and apparently they're going to be the thing that keeps us from entering the next chamber. I hate a puzzle rat. Hit it. Rodent. And a five, six, seven, eight.

Huh? Is that the riddle? It sounds like he's about to start to sing happy birthday to someone. Did I not say the riddle? I didn't hear a riddle. Is there a riddle in there? Was there one, two, three, four, you're in the house. Now here's the door.

Is that the riddle that you said or something? Ugh. Just get out of here. Just get out of here. Just go ahead. Oh, this is probably to be easier than I thought. It's not, nobody listens anymore. Thank you, portrait of a rat in a chef's took.

I'm a duke. That's not a... Just go. A duke in a toque. Don't... That's what thing is the Colby? Wait, hold on. I think I know the answer.

Is it toucan play that game? Just follow your nose, remember, from last episode at the beginning of it? I wasn't in the last episode. I'm a new character. Well, I'm new to you. I'm new to you guys. You're saying you're a second-hand character. You're used.

Three tales. Just, it's not worth it. You start so strong and then you give up on yourself. Especially because it feels like we're the first group to come here in possibly a very long time. This is your chance to shine. It's Rust. He's Rusty. He's just Rust.

It's a performance anxiety. The answer was Rust. You got it. Great. Is that what you were saying? Rust is the answer? Are you just said Russ and I blew it? A large man approaches behind you.

Ah, here, now fresh as a daisy. Junt, are you all right? Yeah, I think so. I felt like I heard a rat say a pretty good riddle. What else? What do you remember about the riddle? It's not important. It would make you think it was great.

Listen, it's not important what it was. At the moment, it sounded pretty good. So riddle vibes. Riddle vibes, I guess. Yeah. The vibes were great, but the contest sort of, it's like when you watch a heist movie and you're sort of like, really?

You didn't cover up your tattoos, professional criminals. Yeah, there's cameras catching that shit. Hey, hey, hey, hey, riddle. Hey, riddle. Hey, riddle. Riddles aren't for everyone. But I'm glad that you enjoyed the time you spent

unconscious, but also hearing one that you found to be satisfactory. Oh no, you're back. I'd like to see a seed. Oh, oh. Yes, I'm listening. Let's see. The large man with the small stick.

No offense. Yes. And this bottle of unused potpourri that was sitting by the pool. No, I didn't spray it. Oh, no. I'm starting to wonder if the word popery is making him pass out. Maybe it's not the smell at all. It could be such a thing.

This is an enchanted temple. The only way not to use it was to tell myself I could use it later if I just took the bottle. Yes, this will do nicely. It's sort of like when you stay in an inn and they give you a brush to clean your back and you think, I don't need it today, but perhaps I'll put it in my satchel before next week when I'm back in my own house. Yes, this will make a great scene. The one is asleep, so the three of you will do a scene where that sleeping animal is the a large rat guy, he is Tanya the Tired.

And the three of you must do a scene where you heap praise upon my goddess, the one I worship, the one I pay field tea too, with my cheese offerings, Tanya the tired. Is this a riddle? Let's say yes. Okay, so the riddle is we have to do a scene based on the suggestions that this portrait of a rat wizard Duke? Who started speaking only as Chunt was once again passing out after Popery was mentioned. Purely timing.

Um, is the answer Rust? Yes. Yes. Oh, you are good. I do, Axelot, I may have to rethink. He has talked about earlier. Wink, wink, wick, nudge, nudge. Certain times he does show acumen in the mental game, doesn't he?

Does, here. And I say that as a being that hasn't had anything approaching muscles since decades, if not since. I've also seen his testicles because some genies sort of like freaked us out and they were like, we can give you really nice testicles and he's so muscular he can't see his own scrotum. And so he dropped his trousers so that I could examine them. And I said, please explain what you think they look like. And so then a genie was sort of like, I made them like this. And of course, that's how we figured out that the genies were false genies, placebo genies.

Who the fuck are you? Who are you for? I am Axelrod ReMax, and you do not talk to a real estate agent like that rat painting. Oh, hop, up! Ah, yes, my painted brethren have surrounded you in a square. You're surrounded by paintings, and you must find your way out. This is a test. Well, um...

We've been painted into a corner, friend. Painted into a bit of a square corner, I agree. We've been painted into four corners. We must think like the great philosophers. Sherman, Williams Bear A bear, think like a bear. I love, you're painting this whole situation

with a brush, I can really, it's, it's helping me, it's giving me, it's putting color on my cheeks. I love it. So. So. That's correct. The answer is so.

We just needed to say that's so. We're each holding a needle. If you look closely, we're each holding a needle with thread. And it's sort of like, what would we do with, What would my... Get out of here.

Get out of here. Oh, this wall is flipping to the side, and on the other side is a beautiful 70s bar with cheesy music playing and a lot of cheap-looking wine and liquor. Oh, when did I miss a lounge singer? Is that a lounge singer? Chunt, quickly, before you sniff flower petals and spices

into the next room, friend. How long have I been out? Do we need to take a break? A break. Let's go a break. I think that would be best. Mercy, take us to break. Is this a good time to spritz the popery?

I wouldn't, I wouldn't. We're going to try to figure this out. I need a break. Hey, I'm going to pass through me. You'll answer me these riddles three. Hey, everybody. Where's everybody from tonight? How are?

Woo! Um, hog's face. Hogs face? I barely knew face. Who's next? Honor. Look, this renovation was done so long ago that the lounge thigger in here is so very cheesy. Yes.

This sort of renovation was scarcely done in castles and manses around foon. I've never seen one. Mostly they get torn out because they were so dated and sort of problematic at times. Way, hey, little, hey little you, little you. Look at how cute you are. Look at your cute butts. Hey, where are you from? She's drawing me in with a siren song.

Arnold, please, no. This is terrible. This is not good. She's absolutely extraordinary. I have to... Hello, muscles. Hello, muscles. I have to imagine you like to eat brussels.

Oh, she's right, I do. I love brussels. Harnor, no. I have to get nearer. I have to draw. closer. I must speak with her. Oh, what's happening? Oh, help me, friends. Help me. This is danger. Oh, he's sort of floating off the ground, like a, like a come hither. You know when you put pies on a windowsill to cool? They have that sort of come hither scent cloud. Of course I know the

come hither scent cloud. We both be there, right? But I am, I am but a weak and malnourished real estate agent. I don't have the strength to hold on or back from it. We are powerless here, Achunt. We must let this play out. Perhaps Arnold's intellect will shine. Oh, boy. Hey, who's this final person that I haven't made uncomfortable yet? You look like you could use a smooch.

Mercia, I think she's talking to you. What? I thought she was... Because I said I'm from Hog's face. Or, no, maybe she might be talking to Axelrod. Me. That's what I assumed. Now I don't know.

Well, how would you know? How would you know what the law? It's fine. It's fine. I thought for sure she was talking to honor because honor has been drawn in by the spell. I'm floating closer. Oh, I'm interested in you as well.

I love what I'm seeing. You're ringing my bell. I am powerless. I am being drawn in. Oh, no, I'm going to fight, fight. Fight it. Oh, shit. He's sort of floating off the ground like,

Mersey, do you eat pies? Oh, do you, are you about to tell me a story about the smell of pies drawing in like a lovable hobo or something? Yeah, exactly. It was a story, but just, yeah, exactly. So you've, you've had pies. I've vaguely remember the idea of pies. Yeah, you've been around for a... Malady.

Hey, we should get our friend back. Yeah, I don't, I, obviously, I don't eat pies anymore because I would just bite through my own tea. and mouth because my needle teeth are too sharp to be engaged with anything except speaking, but I'm, I tell you what, I'm going to piece out on this one. Oh. I really don't like music. I'm just not a fan, especially not when it sounds like someone's coming up with stuff off the cuff that doesn't even rhyme. I think she's doing, I think she's doing great.

You cobwebbed hair dizzy. This could be the end. What do you're going to do? Are you that busy? I'm sorry, what? Floating closer. I can't resist. This could be the end. Goodbye, chunt. Goodbye. Honor, these dulcet tones have drawn me in as well. I am unable to repel. I... Axel.

I have never felt happiness like this. Axel, run. Oh, the sweet joy of infatuation. The gentle siren's song has left us floating in. the air. It's as if I would do anything that this siren would ask me to do. Now, kiss each other, kiss each other, kiss each other, kiss each other,

kiss each other like your poison spice. I can't resist. Fuck, chunt, think, think. Let me see what, let me see this. Let me see how this goes. Okay. Wait, Axelot, Axelot, the only hope

is if you can reach into my pocket and pull out that can of Popery, maybe that's enough to counter the spell. Honour, the siren is. Chapped as my lips might be, I could shove some petals of flowers into your ears, and perhaps you could do the same to me. Oh, but I draw closer, your breath. It smells so fresh from the half, three-quarter, and full bath you've taken.

Yes, oh, Axelruth, I've never really seen you in this light. Oh, you are absolutely. Majestic. Hey, is that a bottle of popery in your pocket or are you happy to see me? Honor, as I kiss your lips, I shove petals

in your ears. And I, the same to you, Axelrod. Oh, you're free. What's happening? You're free. You're free. Sorry, Axelrod, you're free.

Can you not, can you not, What? What are you saying? It's super hard to hear you. I have potpourri in my ears. What are you saying? Yo-ho. Oh, no. I couldn't hear him. Let me unplug my ear. Oh, well, just a second. Yes, I'll do the same. What is it, chunt?

Hey, why don't you go on Mac on each other? It's Mac tonight is not what I'm singing, because it's probably a copyright issue. That's why it's clearly a different song then. It's Mac tonight. Honor, please Gress the back of my neck As her lips touch Is this going to help?

Is this a strategy or Oh, it's the... Remember, oh, fight it, Axelrod, fight it. The pupary has to go in your ears But not go near chant. Oh, oh, oh, wait, guys. Oh!

That's it, I think. I just had to put a tip in her tip jar. Oh. put a gold in the tip dart. That's what you wanted, right? Hey, guys, it's been an absolute pleasure being with you here tonight. Now, I'm not going to keep you any longer. I know you have places to be, and people to ask for stuff. And right behind me is the mistress of the house. Of course, I'm talking about Tanya, the Taya. Go ahead

and give it up for Tanya. You're going to be meeting her in just a minute. Thank you for that generous tip. And remember to tip each other. Too late. Oh, something had come over me that I had never felt before, since perhaps the days when I met Trulia in a field, in a small apartment that I eventually acquired through the Coldwell banker's riches. I would still kill Zillow for you if that's what you want, Haxelrod. Perhaps, but right now I think we have to help our badger friend, don't we?

Yes, we can discuss this another time. No, no, don't mind me. Please keep, uh, Mercia. What do you think? Let them keep going. Hey, it's me. I'm on the other side. I, I just aspirated over here because I just didn't want to deal with whatever crap that was.

I got to tell you guys something. Come on in. Oh. This girl is out like a light. I mean, she is dead asleep. Oh. Worry not, for I have brought a quill. I sign all of my documents with it, but the other end of it that does not have the nib is a little bitty feather.

that surely shall tickle her awake. Let me try it. Giggity, giggity, gigady, giggitigigigigigoo. Oh, that's compelling. This normally wakes anyone up. She's not waking up. Someone else try. Giggle-diggledy, giggledig.

Well, don't try the same method, you thick, man. Try showing her your scrotum. Yes, try showing her your scroach. Oh, that now, would that I could. Would that I could. Wood, I get it. No. Wiggledy, wiggledy woo.

Wiggledi woo. How's that? Biggledy boo. Nothing. It's as if she's made of stone, honor. Here, let me see the feather here. Habada, ha-ba-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Hey, swing.

Bada-a-ha-ha. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Mersia? You want to give it a go? Well, the whole time you guys were doing whatever you were doing in there, I was just sort of gnashing my teeth.

at her and making scary faces like in Peewee's big adventure, you know, the truck driver. Large Mart! Large Mart! Arnees acted out that movie. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Man. Okay.

There must be some... Maybe if we just tell her what you need, what you want. That's so smart. What you really, really want. What you really, really want. Okay. I want her. Oh, did you step in something? Oh, yes. Of course. Yes. Look at this. I've made a mess. I stepped on a grave.

Here. Give me that feather again. Zigger, zygha. Oh, that worked. She kind of scratched under her nose. Okay, okay, now's my time to, okay. Let me get down on my knees here and clasp my hands. Tanya the tired, it's me.

You don't know me. It's Chunt, the Badger, and friends. They have names. They're their own people. They're not just identified. We're chance crew. You could just call us Chance Crew. Chance Crew.

Chant's crew. That's kind of nice. It's kind of like the lounge singer. Don't get distracted. Yes. Tanya the tired, we beseech you. We beg of you to please bestow upon us a blessing for an upcoming battle. I know that you are famously tired, tired of all the wars,

and so you wanted to do good in this world and give a blessing to those who are honored in battle. So we beg of you to give us that blessing, and it's probably in like a talisman form, like a ring or something, I assume, maybe a coin. So if you have any idea where those are at, maybe just point. You don't even have to wake up, you can just point. Oh, could be a pin.

I like pins. Oh, it could be a pin. Tanya the tired. It is I, Axelrod Remax of the Red Finn. A war approaches. The wizards of foon shall soon lay waste to everything we know and most of the things that we don't know.

We need your guidance. We need your powers. We need your spiritual, I don't know, whatever it's called. Please, if you can hear us, bless this badger. And bless this mess. Look, I'm not perfect. Oh, that would be a great pin. I would buy that.

I would buy it as well. And Merziap. Yeah. Please keep going with your plea. But do you mind just, let me get my back out. Do you mind real quick just into the microphone just saying, I, Queen Mercia, the merchandise. I, Queen Mercia.

I, yeah, merchandise. Got it, got it. Great. Now, all we need is a little side blessing so that Axelrod and I can take over everything, including the reign of Tuchus or whatever it was that you were telling me about. I forgot it. Yes, once I acquire the ring of Tuchus,

we can take over. the great halls of Taracas. Taracas. Honor. Yes. You walking bicep, talk to this sleeping woman. See if you can get her blessing. Listen.

Sleeping woman. Wait a minute. This is no goddess. He's noticing something. It takes one to no one and you're not a god. What? No, no. This is...

This is... Just a tired woman? This is just... This is... This is a pile of blankets stuffed with pillows in the shape of a woman. Mother fuck. What's so realistic? What's that figure in the corner?

Oh, my God, it's... Wait a minute. This is a poster of an old foon picture star, and behind that poster is a hole that someone dug a tunnel out of. She dug a tunnel out of her own palace. Impossible. So you're telling me... Let's crawl down the tunnel to see what's down there.

End of it. You want me to crawl through filth? I can't even imagine. The length of, I would say, four. You're smaller than the rest of us. Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. Okay.

Four paws on the wall. What are you seeing down there? What do you see? What do you see, chunt? It's sort of a shaft. I'm going to, I'm going to shimmy down the shaft. John shaft. Don't, don't.

Keep talking. Is it the John shaft? You know it is. Shut your mouth. Okay. How long is it? Approxima shape. I never...

Describe the shaft in detail. Okay, it's... It's not... It's about nine and a half feet. Pretty thick. Vainy. Meaning there's pipes in the walls. We call pipes house veins, right?

I do. Thank you, Araf. Thank you. Friend, thank you. I thought my last words were going to be. pipes, house veins, but thank you, friend. Thank you. Okay. I'm going to drop down and, okay.

When you do it, go from the window to the wall. Oh. Oh, I kind of slid down. Oh, I got, oh, I got, oh, I got, oh, I got. Brick rash, okay. Oh, shit. You found me.

I'm Tonya retired. You found me. Oh, my, by, by, my, queen. My god, my god, my goddesses. I had to dig myself a hole in my own house just to escape. I am so tired. I'm always tired. You don't understand how tired I am.

They say I'm tired because I'm lazy. But I'm not tired because I'm lazy. I'm tired because I've got kids. And I'm constantly, I'm constantly got to be responsible for everybody's schedules. You don't understand what it's like. I created a little dummy of myself, so if people come and check on me, they don't find me. And you, you figured it out.

You must be some kind of genius. Well, thank you so much. Actually, it wasn't me. It was my... Juntz crew. Come on down. Chuntz crew. Give me, in just one second. They're going to shim me on down.

All the same. You're the one who's here. Yes. Tell me what you want. Chant. I beg of you to bestow upon me a blessing to be used in the upcoming wizard wars. Then as I gaze into your badger eyes, I bless you to be virtuous, noble, and wise. I bless you to be courageous.

I bless you to be pure. I bless you with the perseverance that ever shall endure. And may you find a spark even in the darkest night. May you find reason ever forward to fight. Go on this path. And as you begin, I bless you, dear Chunt, that you might win. Ah, too. Sorry, just got here.

What I miss. Hachu! Oh, wait, you're not wearing potpourri, are you, Tanya? I just want someone to bless me. Oof, that tunnel is tighter than I thought it would be, but here we're... Oh, you must be Tanya the tired, and so I am. And yet here, having blessed now this badger soul, I leave you all, departing through this other hidden hole.

Okay, seriously, though, don't leave quite yet because Honor is trying to get through the tunnel, but it's not very big, and so I don't know how he is going to get through. I'm stuck. I'm really stuck. I just got my legs in, and they're filthy. I need to get to a half-bath now. Oh, God. Just remember, no potpourri, okay, old friend? Yes, I'll pocket my potpourri to use later. Mertzia. I don't think he's ever getting out of there. Yes, go ahead.

It is either, which is, it plays into our plan. He's stuck here. Chant has a blessing, and while the wizards are at war, we shall take over their home. This is wonderful. Now, I see there are two ways to get out of this room. We saw the way that Tanya went, but there's also this pole. Should we do the pole or the hole? Pole or hole.

What about hole on pole? It's my birthday. Fine. Someone got a blessing And how they're all kinds of stuck up Chant, I'm willing to do it once a year And I gotta say Tanya the Tired

That blessing, that speech was incredible She left so, that was like a pneumatic hole She got sucked backwards so fast Mercia, look at Chant's fur It's shimmering, it's shining It is, I wish we would have heard this spectacular blessing I'll choose to believe it wasn't that good

because I wasn't there. He looks to have the might of two badgers. Whoa. Oh my God, two badgers. No one has seen such strength. Here, please, come here, and let me place my hands upon you each. That burns.

It burns. Oh, my God. Sorry, that's some of the acid. I had wiped my mouth earlier from the tips. Let me... Okay, and let me just... There we go. It still burns.

I'm okay. I've burned all of my flesh away, so... It's as if he repels evil. This badger repels evil. Well, friends, chunt's crew, if I may, let's give a big hug and go our separate ways. For I must, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I keep forgetting. I must meet up with my two children. You might have missed it.

Tanya has kids, that's why she's tired. My two scamps, Arne and Yusar, I have to meet up with them. So let's the three of us all leave through separate holes, and I feel like I'm forgetting something. You're kind of stuck in these hole. Yes. Yes, honor. How are you doing up there? How's the hole?

Really stuck in this hole, you guys. Nobody told me how small the hole was. And we wish you the very best. I hope you get out. It sounds like you got this, buddy. Chunt's crew. Who are we trying to do? Chunt's crew out.

Oh, Chantz crew. Really aren't we all stuck in a hole, one way or another? Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rify. Arnold, the Warrior, was played by Blaine Swen. Blaine is the creator and director of the Improvise Shakespeare Company. Check out Improvised Shakespeare.com to see when they're performing near you. Axelaw Remax, the real estate agent, was played by Mark McConville from Super Ego. The Super Ego podcast turns 20 this year.

And to celebrate, the crew is back together to bring you new podcast episodes, a forgotten classics reinterpretation of the novel Vanity Fair, live Super Ego shows, and more. Follow at Go Super Ego on Instagram or subscribe wherever you get your podcasts for all things super ego in the coming year. Mercia the Red Queen was played by Janet Varney. Check out Janet's podcasts, E. Plorbis Motto with John Hodgman, and Avatar Braving the Elements with Dante Bosco.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash MagicTatown. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neckhamt, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman, this episode edited by Red Kiener. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

See you back here next week with Arnie's team. This hole. This isn't even the worst of it. Being stuck, it's that my hands can't reach into my pockets where the popery is. It's the only thing I want right now. This is driving me mad. I'm going to break this floor just so I can get my hands on that sweet potpourri.

Chant? Mursia! Axelrod! Anybody? Anybody? Rat, rat portrait. Rad portrait. Do me a favor and sprit.

Give me a little sprits. Help me out. Help a dimmy god. Oh god. Oh, Bruce, this guy got. Daddy! Daddy!