Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 97 - Arnie's Team Part 2 (w/ Ross Bryant, Erin Kief & Zach Reino)

Episode Date: April 27, 2026

Arnie, Momo, Tormaline Dragon Teen and the Soul Walker deal with team morale problems and break into a house.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampMomo the Mouse: Erin KeifTormaline: Zach ReinoSoul Walker: Ross BryantTalbot the Badger: Tugs the BadgerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tony GullickMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandPost Credit Music: Tony GullickNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Join our campaign, become a high roller, and we'll see you in Althea, the Dragon Empire. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Before we get into it, a reminder that the hosts have split off into separate quests to, quote-unquote, generate clicks or something. And this week, we return to Arnie's team, featuring Momo the Mouse, Tormaline, Dragonteen and the Soul Walker. Let's take a listen. Hello for the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of foon. I'm your host, Arnie Kemp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Eleven years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded in the magical land of Foon. But recently, we split off into teams, and this is the Chronicle of Arnie's team. I guess actually Arnie and Momo's team, because I am joined on this quest by my co-captain, Mo Mo Mo Mo the Mouse with Human Strength. Hello, Arnie. How are you doing, Momo? Good. So sorry about last night. I...

Yeah, you kind of... I mean, I still have some bruising. Yeah. I was at the end of my rope, and I was being reckless, and the Trident... We switched last night. I don't have the Trident anymore.

Yeah. And that's fair. And you're right. It was a three-strike system. And I begged for more strikes, but it's gone, and that's fine. I mean, in your defense, I'm impressed that you carried that gigantic human-sized Trident around for weeks.

Yeah, look at my arms. He took this long. I mean, each of your arms are about the size of your body now. Yes, a perfectly proportioned to mouse. Exactly how everyone thinks the mouse looks. But look, it's been a long couple of weeks. There have been numerous injuries. But I am also joined also on this quest by Tourmaline Dragon Team.

And I would like to apologize for last night. Yeah. We had the horses for a long time. And it's been sort of a constant struggle not to eat the horses. And in a moment of weakness last night, I did eat the horses. And that's on me, and I'm sorry. Yeah. And I no longer have the mouse-sized sword that I've given to Momo now.

And now I have the rope. Oh, okay. Now, Tourmaline, here's the thing. I get that you ate the horses. The thing that I'm still a little salty about is then we went out and got new horses and then you ate those two. Yes. Well, those were salty horses. Yeah.

Those were salty horses. I don't know what to tell you, Arnie. I was on a horse binge. I ate two horses I wasn't done you replaced them so fast like not even a word for the horses that were gone

and I know that's a little rich coming from me but it's like when you're eating jelly beans and you're just like it just sort of just becomes What am I going to eat two horses? No that's crazy Four horses is the minimum amount of horses I'm going to eat and then at a point you get so far it's like well it's crazy for me

just to leave the remaining horses I might as well eat all of them Oh I'm going to store six horses? No. I should eat the horses. Do you ever get that with snacks where you're like, this snack will be sad if I don't put it with the rest of the snacks in my stomach? Sure. Absolutely. I better eat it. Like that little bit of snacks that's left. And so yes, I then did eat three horses that weren't our horses. And that's my fault and I'm sorry and I'm learning and I'm growing. I think you're telling the story all wrong. In my defense,

I was broken up with last night and I was sad about it. Yeah. That's what I was going to say. I guess that brings us to our other quest mate, the Soul Walker. I'm really sorry about what happened last night. Oh, now he knows how to apologize. Okay, don't start. Hey, hey. Yes, I made a personal problem, everyone's problem, and that's on me. You just didn't handle it very well.

That's the main thing. Okay, but now, listen, it's hard for me to control. emotions when I have the emotions of a thousand souls inside me. And several horses now, because you went on a horse binge as well. Yes, I did suck a bunch of horses' souls out. Yes, horses have souls. It's just the way you do it that was especially weird. You don't like the visual arnie.

No. When I approach the horse and just go suck mode on them. Well, now you have the Trident. We all sort of lost our privileges. you were lassoing the horses and bringing them into your mouth. And I was really enjoying you just whipping that rope out and saying, get over here. And then sucking their souls out.

And the only one of us that still has their original weapon is actually you, Arnie. So... I still have my laser gun. And I'm going to hold on to that because I feel like it's going to be important, ultimately. And you feel like you have nothing to apologize for it from last night. Okay, fine. I would like to apologize to everyone about last night. I know there were all kinds of things.

things were very heated and people were trying to deal with emotional problems, with physical problems, and that was maybe not the right time for me to once again decide to read an email to everybody. I couldn't believe it. You just picked the absolute wildest times to read an email.

It just seemed, I don't know, just suddenly I was like, oh, I don't know when I do you want to read an email, you want to read email? You have a problem, Arnie. I'm sorry. Is it just me? Now every time you're looking, when I'm talking, Arnie, honey, up here, when I'm talking, Oh, so sorry.

I'm looking at your eyes and I'm wondering, he's probably thinking about emails right now. You were in the middle of their breakup last night. Yes. Tears. Everyone's crying. I forget who said it, but someone said, are you sure? Are you really sure? And then you said, how about an email?

Yeah. And Momo, you were singing the most lovely song to try to consult them at the same time. I just feel bad. And then you interrupted it with what? An email. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah. There I am.

Blood pouring out of my empty eye sockets, weeping. And then you were like, how? Anyone for an email? Let's get into the subject line. Read the campfire on in E-Camp. I guess maybe I wasn't comfortable with all the emotions that were happening. And I was, instead of just fully disassociating, I decided to read an email. I guess it's a kind of mental escape.

Well, don't do that because it's not our job to make you comfortable with our emotions. It's your job to figure out and handle it. And I do it by maybe sort of like emulating a tree with sort of constant fire until it's gone. Just to feel something. And I do it by making a whole flock of ravens fall out of the sky. I will say, ever since we've arrived here in Skir, where we've been for a few days, the town is terrified of all the strange things that are happening. all kinds of weird weather things are happening.

All of the horses in town are now dead. Yeah, they're going to blame the witches of the town, too, once we leave. 100%. Isn't it always the way? Yeah. Can I ask, maybe this is not the most important thing. I know everyone's emotions and how everyone is doing is most important. Careful.

Yeah, we're a fellowship, aren't we? The nice on in E-camp. Oh, I so much want to read an email. No, how are we feeling about the quest? It feels like we're close to finding the silent eye, but can we all still cohes? Cohes? Is that the word?

How can we all still come together as a team? How can we all kiss? Because I've been single for like literal hours, Arnie. And if I was going to kiss anyone here, it would be Mo Mo Mo Moe. But Momo's in a relationship with a hot dog. I am not going to break that up. Don't tempt me, Arnie Neacamp. I'm vulnerable.

Just do it. You clearly have wanted to do the whole time. Just do it already. Looking over my fucking shoulder every day with you. Nothing to worry about. But now it's over. It doesn't matter. Why do we just kiss on ED camp?

Just to prove we don't like it. I thought we were a fellowship. I thought we were a team. I thought we were a group of four people, one that is a thousand souls. and I thought that we all cared about each other. But you know what? I'm out. Wait, Rose rope.

Nope. I'm going to go walk over there. I'm going to go stare at the horizon. And you guys don't need Momo anymore or my palm with the map on it. Do we, like it's literally the only lead we have? You see what you did, Arnie? You made Momo go run and stare at the horizon and cry. Listen to her.

I mean, Momo go run and stare at the horizon? I think honestly, look, I have. hate to say it. It's you two. You two. You started a weird, tenuous relationship at the beginning of this quest, and it's been a burden on the quest the whole time. The relationship preceded the quest, Arnie. I can tell you exactly when I flipped over this giant thing of hourglass of sand. We were dating first. The quest happened after. So I'm sorry if you don't think that people in relationships should be able to hold down jobs. You knew what you were getting into. You know what? I'm out.

Rope down. I'm going to go stare at the horizon next to Momo. Look what you've done, Arnie Nee Camp. Oh, your shameless trickery has sundered our fellowship. Soulwalker, it's not my fault. Honestly, if I'm being completely honest, it is your fault. You're the evil one. You're not even committed to this quest. You were just here on like a weird soul booty call. Sorry, I'm back for a second. Momo said that she wanted to be alone and stared at the horizon, and I was also one of the people she was mad at.

So I'm going to stare at the horizon over here. Yeah, that makes sense. Oh, we're going to run out of horizon. Bringing out of horizon, bring them the tension that Tormline has been suspecting between us. And it's just best that we get it off with. What? Me, you mean us?

I mean, am I reading this wrong? I mean, Yeah, yes. I mean, I'm flattered by the attention, and I guess I could see, like, evil to lovers. I guess that's, there's something there, but you're just too many souls. You got too much baggage. Too much baggage. Oh, I'm sorry. I guess, I guess you can't handle someone with a past. I can't handle a past. I just... Real mature, Arnini can't, real mature. Can't handle a relationship with someone without a label on it just, just because of this. because they have, oh, I don't know, a thousand souls crawling inside them, begging for release, just because you've watched them suck off a bunch of horses, souls.

Look, I want to be as open-minded as possible. I think of myself as an open-minded person. I just don't know if I'm ready for a relationship with someone with that big of a soul count. Oh, my soul count is not your problem. I have an extremely open mind. My skull is little cracked open in the back here. They lift up the hood, and you ship it's a hollowing wind through there. Wow, yeah.

The fellowship is broken. Perhaps all shall come to naught now. The wizards will run roughshard regions. Oh, worse yet, Chunt and Yusador will have accomplished things on their quest, and this one will just be a total piece of shit. Bad news, guys. I was looking at the horizon, and I saw Chunt and Eusador's quest all walk by, and they all looked like they're having a great time.

Oh, shit. Shit, fuck. Yeah. I heard a little bit of it to it and it sounded hilarious. Oh, no. I'm not going to look at the analytics to see who... Don't. Oh, man.

They're having a ball. Bad news, guys. I just found a series of bards walking after a quest that they had just seen walk past them and said it was the greatest thing they'd ever heard in their ding-dang lives. Don't pay attention to the comments, honey. Don't pay attention. Oh, no. Oh, no. They were calling it an effortless combination of people the likes of which chemistry had never been seen before.

Oh, shit. Were they writing songs about it? Yes, they were writing songs about it. Did you tell them about our quest? Did they want to write a song about it? You know what? Their song could never be as nice as the song that you already sang twice today. It's true. Tourmaline, since you heard some of the song, would you be comfortable repeating some of the song that you heard? I'm sorry, you asking me to sing somebody else's song? Sort of? Take some other Bard song and just sing it like it's my song.

No, Arnie, I'm not going to do that. Okay, well, if Momo asked, then yes, I would. It was like, Usador and his incredible friends, oh, look what they've done, they've done it again. They saved the world from a terrible end. Usador and magical friends. It was a lot of that. Oh my God, that's incredible.

It's a really good song. What was the one about Chant? Oh, that one, it was the same Bard actually, but it was It's Chant and his incredible pals, the things they have done, we're all like, wow, saving the world and how! It's Chantan his incredible pals, dun, dun, dun. I've heard a lot of songs that this bard has written before, They all kind of go like that.

They're sort of the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there wasn't an Arnie one. No, there was a library one. Libraries are important to have. They're good for your mom and they're good for your dad. Read a book and you'll be less done. Libraries are important to have.

Sounds like there's a song about everything except us. Oh, my gosh. Look, I know we all are having interpersonal problems, but can we all come back together? if not just to save foon, but to at least try our best to be better than Usador and Chunt? You know what we should maybe do. Momo gave us a list of things that they really wanted to happen on this quest.

I think we all can agree that the quest is worse for the fact that none of them have happened so far. That's a really nice point. I'm trying to be positive, but most of the things Momo wanted to happen involved us being on the verge of death or failure, right? Stop being a coward army. First of all, we are extremely on the verge of failure right now. I don't know about death, but you are kind of on the verge of death all the time. Yes.

My gods, you're refusing the call to adventure. Refusing a call to adventure. We're refusing. Why, this just be an essential element of the quest. Okay, now I'll light the town on fire, and then as we're about to die and all is lost, we can all say the things that we wish we had died while we were still alive. Perfect. Incredible idea.

Okay, hold on. I'll be right back. Look at Arnie and incredible buds. He may, uh, um, um, Arnie, nothing rhymes with any of the words we're doing. Buds, um, cuds. Suds?

Suds. Suds. How would that be the next lyric? Like we're drinking a bunch of suds? I'm back. The town's on fire. What are we? talking about? We haven't done anything songworthy

yet, so nothing rhymes. Oh yeah, if only one of us were a bard. Yeah. How's the fire? Oh, it's hot. Yeah, it's hot and it's big. Wait, hold on. Soulwalker. How many souls do you have inside of you? Roughly 1,000. And none of them are, one of them's got to be.

Can you like tap in? I guess I never asked. There's got to be a bard in there. That's on me for being incurious about you in her relationship. But like, do you have their memories or just sort of their souls. The souls exist within me in the non-Euclidean pocket dimension. And yes, I can regurgitate the souls that I have taken. It takes an effort.

But I can, but you're looking for a bard? I don't know how we need. I mean, if you've got a bard in you that you think could maybe come up with a song for our team, that would be, I think, pretty inspiring for all of us. Yeah, that would be sort of the Dark Night of the Soul Fix, I think. Yeah. Well, that looks like it hurts. That is worse than I thought.

Yikes. Yes, hello. Oh, no. I've one moment of freedom away from the blasted hell escape within and the pounding industrial techno. Shut up, nerd. We need you to write us a song. Write you a song?

Yeah, maybe I'll convince him to let your soul go? Really? Does he do that? I actually don't know. But this is your best shot. Tourmaline, you guys have been spending so much time together the last couple of weeks. You seem to know nothing about the Soul Walker. And?

Okay. What are you saying? I don't know. Like, you're kind of putting a lot of the blame on them for the breakup. Well, that's how I feel about it. What are you saying? I'm saying that, like, a star doesn't give any light. You be quiet.

Hey, shut up. Hold on. Just give us a second, please. Please, my God. What is with this party and people being unable to read the fire? What are you saying, Mo Mo? I'm just saying, like, I think that sometimes you will run away and you don't like to have people be close to you so you don't ask personal questions about other people.

Right, yes. So you don't get close to them. No, I'm saying that this is not good. Wait, why? I just think that maybe if you were to ever have a shot to be with them again, I don't know. If you're vulnerable first, maybe they'll be vulnerable. But if I'm vulnerable, I'm 1,000% sure they're going to suck my soul out and I'll never get it back. Maybe, but they could also do that, but in the cool kind of way, in the sexy kind of way.

Interesting. Let me think about that. Okay. Now, Bard, go. Wait, I'm the nice judge. Arnie, do you want to be like the mean judge? Oh, yeah. Hold on.

Let me turn around on this long. Yeah, let's turn around. I'm not a lot. I've been let out of my health. for a moment and sudden, and you three heads sitting in judgment of me. What, what, what do you want this, this song to be about? Our quest so far and what it could be. Yeah, do you have sort of like awareness of what's going on outside of your,

uh, God, what does he call? Toraline, you know nothing about what's going on inside the soul walk. You clit, non-Euclidean space? Is that what it's called? I don't know anything about how he works. We, yes, we all sort of participate in his mental faculties, in its, in our mental faculties. In a way, we all speak one word at a time, each taking a brief moment to come to the surface. This is what happens every time I try to talk to him.

I get like deep lore. It's always deep lore with this guy. Well, I mean, when you're a complicated thing, like a thousand souls, you got to do some exposition for it, huh? I guess that's true. The problem is it's very complicated. and it gets more complicated every time you meet it. You know, why don't we take a quick break and then we'll reassemble and we'll be ready for the song. Explain the lore to me over the break.

You know what? That makes a lot more sense than I thought it would. Got it. The town is really burning. All right. Ready for this song? Can't wait. Have you heard about the power of Ronnie walking around with his personal army?

Special friends to defeat the dark with the fire that burns with a flame of a spark A is for the arsenal that he brings. Or is for the regali to the power of kings. And is for never giving up no way. I think that he's going to win the day. Everybody sing this song when Anni's got his army. It can't go wrong. Oh!

N! Oh, sorry, I thought we were going to do my last thing. That's okay. I'm losing control. Oh, there he goes. Back in. Well, kid, I think you've got pipes. Yeah, can you tell that soul that was just...

Oh, he's... Yeah, he got pipes. That's a great bard. You should let that guy out if that's a thing you can do. I thought it was a little pitchy, dog. Let him out. A soul free. Yeah, obviously.

It's like you've never even... listen to my law. It's so deep and complex. I don't know. Maybe you could try something new and let a soul free. Isn't that what dating is? It's kind of just making yourself vulnerable to new experiences. I suppose that's what dating is, but we are not dating anymore. Isn't that what dating is?

You have a part of yourself that you totally let go of so the other person will be happy because they don't like that part of yourself? Is that what I said, Arnie? Well, of course. Of course. I could. I suppose I could do it. All you would need is to get me a vessel that I can regurgitate his soul into. It would take over that vessel and then it could live again. A sort of clockwork construct or maybe a few animals sewn together. Like a rope? Sure, I could be a rope, I guess. Or a laser gun. It should be a laser gun. It's not like you've ever used the laser gun. once even one time.

I mean, I've shot it, but I haven't used it to accomplish anything. You always shoot it into the sky, though, while the rest of us are doing actual work. Well, because I'm confident there are no airplanes here. I don't know what that means, aren't you? The only air and plane I know is the one within me, but I could regurgitate a soul

into that laser, making a sort of barred laser. Like a major laser? Yeah, wow. Yes. topical topical Wow

Wow Yes Wow Yes We really had to Dip low For that one But yes

It would be a major Laser Indeed It would be an act of vulnerability To be short one's soul But it would Add a bard

To our Fellowship That is of course If our fellowship Is still together That's a good point I'm still in it if you guys are still in it.

We're so close. That eye on Momo's hand has been freaking out. We must be close to the silent eye. Yeah. It's glowing and spinning and I'm starting to hear voices in my head. Is that relevant? Whoa. Probably not.

I don't know. But also the town is extremely on fire right now. Yeah. Yes. I'll be honest, that song motivated me. I'm in. Yeah. Me too.

I'm a soulwalker. I'm sorry I didn't pay more attention to your lore. It's just that it was very confusing. and long, and I didn't like listening to it. But I will try to do a better job. I'm not even saying we have to get back together, but I don't think I barely gave you a chance as a person. Thank you.

It's just sort of another thing to add to my hoard. And I'm sorry. That's hard to hear, but it's good to hear. Sort of a mayor cul-per. It's nice to be listened to, and I'm sorry that every time we got close, I was sort of looking at Arnie and... Yep, directly, yeah.

leaning into my obsession over my one-time nemesis and threatening to suck his soul out and sort of hovering nearby here. I just think if I'm going to be totally honest that he's a better match for you than I am. What? No, crazy. No, I don't know this. See, the way the comment you're

saying right now really is sort of hitting it home for me. You're like, you're obsessed with this guy. And I'm looking at him and I simply don't understand it. I'm trying and like, I think that's beautiful, right? Because it's so personal to you and what you want from him.

And if he's your, if he's your treasure and he is your hoard, then pursue him to the ends of the earth and kill any dad that gets in your way. Guys, would this be a good time for an email? Oh, my, Arnie, this is, I, my God, my God. I'm kidding me. I cannot believe you. Absolutely unbelievable. Did you hear the song about, any moment where we all come together?

Okay. Da, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh, you know what then? Let's focus on the healing power of accomplishing something. Look, we can't fix our own personal foibles and personality defects. Let's just, like, throw ourselves into a project so we don't have to worry about ourselves. Arne, if you weren't so focused on email, you would realize that is the exact opposite of what we're doing. We're trying to become better. Oh.

But, yeah, yours sounds easier. So what did you want to do? Let's leave this tavern, which is quickly catching on fire. Let's follow Momo's hand and let's find the silent eye. All right. Go. The eye is absolutely freaking out in Momo's hand. It's got to be close by. It's darn nuts. And, to be honest, yes, it could have a project.

We never know if the rumors will be true in any moment. Food will be overrun by the wizard's hordes. Oh, that's right. Have you guys heard some of the rumors about the thing SpinTax is sending to attack Northeastia? Yes, the herds of fog dogs. The herds of fog dogs? Yeah, the herds of rock hogs. Wait, what was your one totally?

Rockhaws. Foggs and rock hogs? Fogs and rock hogs? Yeah. And boxhawks. Fogs, rock hogs, boxhawks. All of them. Oh my gosh.

I heard they were just sending ice giants. What? Ice giants. I didn't hear that, but you might be right. I heard about it. And people are really fucking pissed off about these ice giants. I heard, and this one really spooked me and made my blood run cold, that there's exact doppelgangers that just sort of talk it a little bit sillier of a voice of everyone they come across.

Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Dark, dark magic's indeed. At least that last one is easier for us to accomplish. Yeah, but it's just like a little sillier. It's just a little, it's so hard to tell, and that's why they're so dangerous. It's just one tick up on the silly dial. Now, are these doppelgangers able to consistently keep this voice, or does it kind of get muddy and weird?

Oh, it's consistent. Oh, yes, rock solid. I mean, not as rock solid as a rock hog. Not a rock fog or a fogg or a box hog. Or a gogog. Oh, Godgogs are coming to. Yeah. Just choke at a different part of your mouth, and that's going to be there.

Every kind of way you can say those sounds. Fog dogs, rock hogs, boggongs, Goggs, Goggins. Walton Goggins? Oh, boy, I got to send some emails. Walton Goggins is sworn to them. He's in everything. Look out. Super versatile.

Okay, so all the more reason we should find the silent eye. Mom will leave the way. Here, I'll open the door for you. It's rerouting. It's rerouting. It's re-routing. I think it's going to lag. Yeah.

Yep. Yep. Do we want to do highways or no highways? No tollways. Definitely no tollways. No tollways. Highways, yes. Low ways, no.

Tollways, no. Okay. Boop-be, boop. Oh, my God. We're a minute away. Does it have an avoid bandits? We're a minute away? We're so close.

Oh, yeah. That's pretty fun. Avoid bandits. Avoid bandits. like two minutes. Yeah. There's just one bandit between it. Can we handle one bandit?

Yeah, I got. Oh, wait, is it that guy? Yeah. Hold on one second. Well, it must be if it's showing up on the, oh. Okay, we're good. Okay. I think that was actually, it doesn't matter.

Wait, what? I don't know if that guy. I'm not 100% sure. Did the signal go away? Yeah, no, no, yeah. It's still there. And I think, yeah, that wasn't a bandit, but that's absolutely no problem.

Wait, what do you mean? That, yeah, I, I should have double checked. To our left is the bandit. To our right was a... Orphanage. Oh, no. An orphanage.

It was the orphanage. It's fine. But we're going left. We're going left. So I go eat this guy now? Yeah. I'm not even 100% sure about it. You know, it's fine.

Yeah. I don't need to make a whole thing of it. All right. In a way, we go. You know, we haven't spent enough time just really walking around skirt. It's kind of lovely. Cobblestone streets. Yeah, what's left in that?

Fire was really raged out of control. So many dead birds on the ground, too, from earlier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And horse skeletons. Oh, my God, remember? Yeah. Remember? Yeah, from last night.

All right, and we are here. Oof. Oh, this big mansion. Wait, this is a library. Huh? Another library? I think so, isn't it? It's either that or just a house with a lot of books.

Man, it's dark inside. Should we, maybe... Yeah, hold on. Do you think we could slip in through one of these windows? Wait, hold up on lighting it on fire. Unless... No, you know what? Go ahead. Yeah, we don't want to destroy the silent eye.

We want to sort of like find them. You keep saying that. Are you sure? I think so. Okay. Then yeah. We're going through the window. I'm going to have to get small.

Oh, yeah. I forgot that you could do that. I don't have to change. I'm good in this. I'm the size that I am. I struggle to get any smaller than this. Can one of you open the front door for me after you slip in through the window? Of course, Arnini Camp.

I'll just slide under the lindle of the door after turning into mist. That's one of the things he can do. He won't shut up about it. There you go. Thank you. Thanks. Huh, this place is big Hello

Exactly where the silent eye A place larger on the inside Than it is on the outside Like myself Oh yeah A lot of creepy paintings Oh I know this lady You do

The lady in this painting? Yeah Wait the eyes that are moving behind the painting Or the portrait The lady in the... That's funny I didn't notice that the eyes Were moving behind the painting Hey wait now they're gone

Oh yeah I know this portrait of the lady is on fire God damn I've heard good things heard good things about this You haven't seen it? Oh it's so good Look at it

It's right here Yeah Look you can make an opinion Right now about it Interesting I don't know sure I understand it But I like it It's good

You're not supposed to understand it Oh that's fun There's like a room behind this picture Or a door behind this picture Oh Okay Do you want to use

Your Fun Mists to go under it And unlock it From the back again Or you want to open it like a normal person. Don't love the tone, but I was thinking I would.

Missed out. Go for it. Mist under the door with one of your many abilities. Can Movo make a quick suggestion for the two of you? Sure. It could be helpful. Take this with a grain of salt.

Sometimes when you're going through a breakup, it is helpful to continue a on-again, off-again, physical situation with each other, to sort of cut all the tension. So anytime you want to fight, you can kiss. It is really messy. It can sometimes destroy friend groups.

It always, sometimes someone will still have feelings the other person doesn't. So if you wanted to try that out, I've heard it works, but. I trust you. And that's what you think we should do. And get over here and get my mouth. Right now? Right here.

Don't you want them getting along so we can get through this? Well, if you insist, watch this, Oni. Don't make eye contact with me while this is happening. See, this is the problem. It's always about someone. else who happens to be nearby. Oh, behind there is just a passageway going deeper.

Like below the mansion? Maybe there's a secret meeting place underneath the mansion where the silent eye meets. Ooh, laloo. Down in a subterranean chamber. I guess. Here, I'm gonna. Does anyone have something to like this torch with?

You mean like, does anyone here capable of making fire? Is that what you're asking right now? I'm sorry. Yeah. We've been doing this three weeks. Has anyone asked each other a single question? Yeah. Oh, my God.

What's my name? Ooh. Describe me in five words. Well, okay. I would say I would describe you as tourmaline, dragon team, dragon team. Ernie, thank you. That's how I would describe myself. Okay, but yeah, I'll light this torch.

Oh, no. Eat the torch. Yeah, hold on. Okay, there it is. Now it's on fire. Oh, yeah. Arnie, do you think that maybe now is a good time for all of us to sort of, oh, not an email. Absolutely not an email, Arnie.

We're all going to start screaming on the top of our lungs again. Maybe now would be a good time for us to split into even smaller groups and then follow those quests and we each make our own team. And then you sort of go between like each person's quest. Oh. Like we split into the party. Yeah. You're always supposed to split the party, especially at moments like this.

Sure, especially in a big creepy house. Yeah. So like I would go out of here. I'd leave. And then I'd start my own team. And then those people, they would each find three people to start their own team. And then everyone gets rich. But wait, hold on.

You're not suggesting that we split up into two different groups. You're suggesting we split up into four groups and each of us find a whole new team. Yeah. We're making pyramid teams. Pyramid teams. Yes. It's just exponentially growing teams. And that way we have all of the sort of like people in our sort of down team can be helpful for the main goal at the top of the team.

Yes. You have all these teams working together for the same goal. So many people are looking for a quest to do in their spare time to make an extra hoard. Yes. And you just send someone a message and go, hey girl, I've always thought you'd make for a great entrepreneur. You really think that about me? I do. I do, yeah.

Tell me what to do. You're a girl boss. What should I do? Go start your own team and then make sure they start other teams or you'll be financially liable for those teams. Arne, I have to go because someone I trust just told me to start my own team. But are each of you willing to commit to getting a team and then recording at least two episodes each with those teams?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, just a scheduling alone is kind of a challenge. For the bit. Yeah, we're committed. Yeah, I'll do it for the bit. I mean, it would give me a lot of free time. Yeah. Can I have anyone I want on my team?

Anyone you can get? Then yeah. I'm 100% in it. I know a lot of people. Who would be, just on top of your head, who would be on your team? I know this wind spirit. I know a couple of great blue tigers. I know, I know, well, hold on.

How many of the wizards are in this wizard war? Pretty much all of the wizards, except for Usador. I mean, I've heard maybe Jamilius is ambiguous, whether he's good or evil. But the rest are pretty evil. Yeah. Okay, well, I know, like, a dragon, I know like a Soul Walker.

I know a guy in a pink polo. Oh. So I'd probably ask them. Maybe. Have we considered that we're all right where we belong right now? Oh, I was thinking about other friends, but... Oh! Yeah.

No, yeah. Yeah, no, no, we are. It's also a pitch, yes. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to head down these stairs. There's got... I mean, maybe we're on the cusp of solving this whole thing.

Yes. The silent eye is probably the bottom of this darkened staircase. Can you shoot your gun so the bard can sing that Arnie song again? Yeah, shoot the gun. Okay, that's... Do we put his soul under the gun or did we mean to and then never... We did it during... We did it during the break.

During the break, we put this all into the gun. I insoled the laser gun. So now the laser doesn't really hurt anybody, but I can make the song play whenever I want. I'm going to be honest, Arnie. The laser didn't really hurt anyone before, not the way you were using it. Yeah, I guess that's true.

Okay, I'm aiming it and going off. Here comes, Arnie's coming down. Honey and a gang coming to your town. A, always doing it well. Oh, really, really, really swell. And nobody thinks he's uncool. I don't think he's a fool. E!

Everyone thinks he's great and completing the quest that is on his fate. Oh, wow, yeah! This was probably the least inconspicuous thing we could do, I guess it's true. If there's anyone down there... I wanted to hear this song so bad. Oh my God. They definitely know we're coming.

Just a fellowship walking down the stairs, screaming letters. Shouting letters together. Oh, my gosh. But I've never felt closer to the three of you. Yeah, I know. It is really fun, although I've got to say, I'm getting a little scared because I just don't have a good experience with basements. Like, most of the basements I visited in the 11 years of this show, bad things have happened.

That's not true. I guarded one of them for you. for a long time. That's true. I did a great job until I decided to stop. That's true. I appreciate that. Have you ever been to like a college basement? The floors are super sticky. Smells like beer. There's like beer in the wall somehow. But also you'll make some great memories down there. Yeah. Flip cup. I mean I do love flip cup. That's true. Like yeah, I should think back further. I guess I'm also thinking about like. Where you do it backflip into a cup. Yeah. Classic mouse drinking game.

I mean, I love flip cup. Is that why you're often covered? in alcohol? Yeah. That's why my mom's often covered in alcohol. Okay, let me look around this corner. Oh, shit. Guys, I don't, I'm not sure

we're in the right house. Why not? I looked around a corner and there's just a bunch of, like, in the dark, a bunch of teenage kids just standing. Oh, I see it now too. Oh, my God, my palm is, you guys, were on the even side of the street. I wish we're going to go on the house.

Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing. I mean, the kids, like, if you wave your hand in front of their face, they're not doing anything. They're not acknowledging it. Hey, y'all. Want us to buy you beer? No, that's not cool. That's not good.

It's easy. Keep your weapons. Okay. All right. Wait, Arnie. I'm pretty sure I know what these are. Yeah. These are basement teens.

Basement teens? Yeah. What about basement teens? No, it sounds terrifying. The two words that I'm most scared of, basement and teens. It can break sort of one of two ways. One of them is fine and one of them's pretty bad. Okay.

Yeah. What's the fine version? The fine way is that they find community somewhere in the real life and they sort of grow, which these seem to be doing as there's a couple of them in front of us. So that's a great sign. Yeah. Or they're smoking weed and watching old episodes of The Simpsons. That's good, too.

Oh, sure. Bad version is when you see just one basement team, and then they're more isolated than ever, and that's when you have a problem. Oh, okay. Stop. Do not read an email, Arnie. Do not avoid these top conversations. Arne. It's cute.

And someone asking a question for their kid, but okay, no, no, no, no. We won't do it now. But real quick, real quick, let's go to a break and then come back. All right. Maybe should we just kind of quietly try to leave? They seem to be in a dormant state. Yeah. I'm just going to smoke a little bit of their weed.

I'm just going to back up the stairs. Yeah, we should smoke some of their weeds. Yeah, we're just chiefering a little bit. I'm just going to smoke the rest of their weed. I mean, I guess the other option is we could just hang in this basement and smoke weed. Oh! That's fun. Yeah.

Wouldn't be bad to just have a little kickback here. I mean, I'm sure what's ever on the, on the basement. other side of the street that MoMA's symbol is pointing to will still be there in like an hour and a half or so. This is pretty good weed for basement teens. Yeah. Where did they pick these weeds? They must come from money.

This is a pretty crazy, expensive house. Soul Walker, do you want some? Oh, I can't inhale it. I can't inhale it, of course. Why not? Suck mists, but I could get a little bit of that soul. You can't suck mists? You can't suck mist.

Do you ever listen to my law? Did you see airst? You're always talking about turning into mist. So just turn into mist and mix with this mist. I'll turn into mist and mingle with the mist. Some of its particles might, I suppose, get. Yeah, get contact high off. Oh, there he goes.

Oh, yeah. All right. Oh, whoa. He's way too zonked. Almost immediately. I need to, can we, do you want to sit down? Yeah. You are sitting now.

buddy. Uh-oh, uh-oh. Uh-oh. It's okay. It's all right. Oh, boy. Arnie, should we go across the street? You guys get back on the quest.

I don't think we're in any shape. Look, is it past? No, no, let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Come on. Okay. Do you guys hate me?

Do you guys hate me? Be honest. No, no. Yeah, a little bit. I do. If I'm going to be torn on. Just drink your water. Oh, my God.

Hold on. You guys want to ride me like a horse? Yeah Don't eat yourself No I'm small Now you can ride me like a horse Hell yeah Do you

Do do do do do do do do do To the beginning of save a horse You're at a cowboy Ride a mama Ride a bummo Right a bummo Don't don't don't I'm a horse

Man I feel like a Momo I feel like a Momo Want to get small Running down the hall Gonna have a momo On my back Gun smoke weeds With the basement teens

Gonna go on a Quest The best thing About being a momo Is a prerogative To have a little fomo Whoa Oh

Toc tiny Thrown a Trident I'm running around Out of the house Nye am a mouse Man I wish I was with Housador Man

Woo, that was the most of my mom I ever had in a whole white time I would have literal tears in my eyes That's literally the best song I've ever heard The song is so good, Arnie I also wish I was with Yusador Ooh, loo. O'alloo.

All right, guys, here's what I've said. I haven't even smoked any of the weed, but just I'm getting a bit of a contact high, too. We cannot go and try to contact a silent eye in this shape. We're on our way. We're going. Here we go. Come on, Arnie. Come on.

Up the stairs. Follow Momo's eye. It's pretty bloodshot now. All right. Silent eye. Holy eye. Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, cross the story. So it's this one. Shh. Shut. Arnie. Shut me. I'm not. Arnie.

Shut. Your mouth. Shut up, Arnie. What do you read? Give me your thing. No emails. Give it. Oh, shit.

I accidentally triggered this laser gun. Oh, yeah. No, I'm going to sit on it. Hey, he's a dog. Ar. Oh. You guys, guys, guys, guys. Shh, shh.

And. Oh, yeah. Hi. Impossible to get my. E. E! Everybody like to be, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You guys, you guys, you cannot do, you're going to make me laugh when we go in there. You guys, when we go in there, you guys, all be cool. You can't make me. Super serious when we see the silent eye. Super serious when we see the silent eye. Oh, my God. Oh, God. So, Wacher, you're so high right now.

They're so high. It's crazy. Okay. Who's going to work the knocker? Arnie, you want me to do all the talking? Yeah. You do it, and I'll gas you up. I love it.

A knock, knock, knock. Hi, yes, I am. Yeah, you do recognize me. I'm Momo. Is that Talbot? Is that Talbot? Is everyone seeing this? Seeing what?

Yeah, I'm Momo and yeah, yeah, I have probably I'm a little behind of my dues. I was a member way back when, but we are here because we're trying to, is this, uh, Momo. We're trying to defeat, um,

the wizard. We were hoping to get help. You're doing a great job, Momo. I don't need to horn in on. this. Momo, where is that confident bitch who no one can say no to that I know lives inside you? All right.

Stop being so fucking insecure, Mama. Let her out. Help us. That's right. Be on the right side of this. He seems convinced. He's gesturing us inside. Here we go.

Hey, great job. I'm proud of you. Thank you so much. Great job. Okay, follow me now. a Tex-Mex latte I just came up with you put chili at the bottom of a cup and then you pour queso on top and you could do latte art

with the two. It would look like a, it's like a savory latte. You're still introducing sort of a milky element into a dark, you follow me here? Yeah, but what if you put it in a bowl and then you take away the straw and then you get like a chip or something?

That's what I was going to say you get a chip. And what if you, then and then you put and then chips what if chips oh my god okay what if you okay what if you got like um like a brownie right and then you heated it right and then you do a couple of cold scoops of ice cream right on the hot brownie yes but the ice cream's cold right but the contrast of the hot to cold think of the different temperatures and then you put hot fudge on top of the ice cream

and then you put like a cold cherry on top of the hot fudge. And then a horse on it. Hey, are you guys still out here? Oh my God, Ernie. I went inside and I negotiated with the silent eye and they'll help us. I've been in there for like two hours.

Well, we've been pretty busy. How have you been? How are you? Yeah, what have you been up to? I'm good. I'm good. A lot of progress. Yeah, it's just the quest. I've been feeling pretty good.

I think we did a good job. Ernie, do you mean that? Maybe I'm feeling a little cracked open because of the basement weed, but I just feel like we made you seem like you weren't our first choice, but of course you were my first choice. Yeah, I said I applied to a whole bunch of class, but I only applied to yours. Oh. I am inexorably drawn to you. Across oceans of time and space.

This guy. I would find you. Fucking spare me. Okay, no one's ever said that to me. That is the most romantic thing I ever heard. I know, right? And the thing that makes it heard even more is to know that it was in there

and it just never came to me, you know? That is the worst. That is the worst. Yeah. Look, we're not the perfect group, but I wouldn't have changed anything that's happened, except for maybe setting fire and killing all the horses.

I'm just so glad. And also, I made us a quest. gift, just to kind of commemorate that we were all working together on this project. How about an email? I could. I mean, I made duffel bags for everybody, but I could, I could do an email instead, if you prefer. Yeah. A duffel bag, I figure like it's useful. You could kind of like put things in it.

Not sort of of my scale. It's way too big for Momo. It's too small for me. And as far as I know, Soul Walker has no physical possessions. This is correct. I am beyond physical attachments. Yeah. Okay. I really fucked this last part up, I guess. Maybe next time a gift card or something.

I'm sorry about the duffel bags, but thank you all so much for helping on this quest. Do we want to one last time put our weapons in? I mean, yeah. I've got a rope. Trident. Laser gun. Tiny mouse.

With a bard in it. Ooh, La Lou. Now let's go kill this secret society. No, no, gosh, no stop. We're not getting them. We're looking with them. Fear not, it's me, the other bookend. A glimmer of hope on the distant horizon saying, it's over.

Momo the Mouse with Human Strength was played by Aaron Keith. Tourmaline, Dragonteen, was played by Zach Reno. Check out Zach's podcast, Off Book, the Improvised Music Critics say, off book, on fire. No critic has said that. And I hate myself for suggesting otherwise. The Soul Walker was played by Ross Bryant. Check out Ross's new improvised horror comedy podcast, Push the Roll. He'd like to remind you that many members of Hello from the Magic Tavern have been special guests on Push the Roll. Despite that, give it a chance. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode. A recap of this year's March Magic Brackets, with all the winners as voted on by members of the Patreon. That's true. Rascaliator, who apparently has more vowels in his name than I realized, got 28% of the vote. Oof.

And Baron Rumtum, an evil son of a bitch, my personal favorite, got 72% of the vote going on. to the next round. Wow. Why would so many people vote against me and everything I fought for in this world? That's a good question. Part of the problem is so many of the contestants

are personally trying to destroy everything you stand for, so they maybe only had so many options. That's true. That's kind of a wash. I get it. All right. I mean, so many of the hosts of this show are trying to destroy all the things that you stand for.

What? I won't say which. It's kind of a wash, Arnie. That's what you say when you use the sink, right? You say you take a bit of a whores bath? Yes, it's true. Horse bath? Yeah, horse bath.

It's where he just splashes water on his balls. From a trough. And I go, Arnie, do you want to take a shower? Yeah, I dunk my balls in a trough in carrot water. And I refer to them as a horsey. And that's my horse bath. Is that your neither regions? To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show,

visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Speaking of March Magic, just a reminder that there are March Magic shirts with the names of each year's winner in our dashery store. Link in the show notes. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young and Adder Ruffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Tony Gulloch. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. See you here next week when the three hosts are reunited. It'll be like the end of the dark crystal. But no one gets transformed into a glowing alien pope with Don Kinghair.

Usida and his incredible friends, oh look what they've done, they've done it again, they save the world from a terrible end. Usador and magical friends, dun, dun, don't, don't. Look, it's chint and his incredible pals, the things they have done, We're all like, wow, saving the world Woo and how! It's Chon, his incredible pals. Libraries are important to have.

They're good for your mom and they're good for your dad. Read a book and you'll be less sad. Libraries are important to have.