Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 98 - Undercover Possum (w/ Branson Reese)

Episode Date: May 4, 2026

A reunited Arnie, Chunt and Usidore meet a possum that is really an undercover druid that's gotten in too deep.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungPossum: Branson ReeseMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It's time to enter a world of stories and adventure in High Rollers, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast set in the vibrant world of Althea, the Dragon Empire. I'm Kim, one of five friends being led through a journey of magic, mystery and mayhem by dungeon master Mark Humes. Prepare yourself for epic encounters and unbelievable stories where heroes uncover sinister plots, explore a diverse world and crack a few bad jokes along the way. If you love the feeling of a fun home game but with the quality of a studio show, then why not give High Rollers a try?

Episodes go live in two parts twice a week in one hour chunks, so it's easy to keep up. So, what are you waiting for? Join our campaign, become a high roller, and we'll see you in Althea, the Dragon Empire. Hey, do you like role-playing games? Well, you should check out Mystery Quest. It's an actual play podcast where we focus on all kinds of indie TTRPGs with a rolling cast of special guests. You can find us anywhere where you get your podcasts. I'll see you there.

Sophomore Year. For many American high schoolers, it is truly one of the most second high school years. But what if a school year was more than just the second one? What if they got superpowers all up in that thing? Rude Tales of Magic has been relentlessly lampooning fantasy and sci-fi with their improvised role-play podcast since 2019, and for their brand-new campaign, they've set their sights on high school. It's Rude Tales of Magic Blue Kindness High.

Blue Kindness High is X-Men meets Degrassy, Animorphs meets Dawson's Creek, Stranger Things Meets Looney Tunes, G-M'd by comedian Tim Platte. Listen to Alley Fisher, Joe Lepore, and Branson Reese. Oh, he's been on Hell of the Magic Tavern, as they tell tales of sophomores, who for some reason are amazing. The world is filled with all sorts of podcasts, good and bad, but there is only one best podcast, Rude Tales of Magic.

It feels like a shot across our Balbado. Whether you're a longtime lover of the series or a newbie to the rude, This tale is one you definitely won't want to miss. Subscribe to Rude Tales of Magic on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocketcasts, or rare you listen to podcasts. New episodes drop every other Tuesday. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Now, with Spring Break behind us, with the last wave having been body surfed, with the final ball having been volleyed, the sunscreens last drop of SPF having been depleted, the very last giant shark,

having been exploded with the last oxygen canister, we now witness our three hosts reuniting as we whisper to ourselves, is this better? Are there other options? Should I give Good Hang one last chance? And while you work to untangle those questions, sit back and enjoy the show. Oh, we said we were gonna,

I said I was gonna meet Usador and Chunt, and I think I got the right for us? There's no, there's no way we're gonna meet it. right place. How could we possibly ever time this correctly? Hello? My buddies? Are any of my buddies in this forest? Let's see. So we're trying to save Northeistia. And I think Usador said the forest to the south of Northeistia. And it's called Westernin. That can't be right. That sounds wrong. The red bears are bad. Green bears are good. The other bears are bad. Don't need to Red Bears.

Say, what are you? Red bears? Don't need to... Wait, I'd know that jibbering sound anywhere. Chunt! Chunt! It's me! Oh, hey!

Oh, are you rabid? Oh! Are you rabid? Are you rabid? Are you rabid? Chant! It's me! It's me, Arnie.

I'm from another world. I'm your good buddy. Sometimes your cousin. Oh, Arnie. Oh, my God. It says, I've been lost in these woods. I got here, like, a month and a week ago. or something. I've just been watering the woods.

I ate these red berries. They made me so sick. I met the most beautiful fish and fell in love. We got married. And then, an evil, an evil lizard cursed us and ate my wife.

How have you been? I'm good. You have a lot of fish around your fur, like you were eating fish yourself. Arty. Arty. Oh, you dog. Congrats.

Well, thank you and also. All right. But also condolence since I'm so sorry. Thank you. Thank you. I'm so sorry, buddy. I can't believe we actually successfully met up. I know.

How did you find this spot? Because we'd ever, I feel like it was pretty open-ended. Like, it was just like, meet in the forest. This is a big forest too. Big forest. Yeah. I mean, the only thing I had my favor is I have this golden branch, which was given to me by Cabellone.

And so they gave me confidence knowing that I can't have safe passage in any forest. Like I cannot be hurt in a forest. So even if I was fucking up, I'm like, well, at least I'm not going to die. Yeah, smart. Yeah. I almost died after I ate the red berries. Arnie, do not eat the red berries. I wonder if I, with this branch, if I can avoid being poisoned, too.

Arnie, I don't know how broadly these. Put those down. Put those down. Okay. Oh, they just look so tasty. Arnie, please. Do not eat the red berries. Chon, here's my concern.

We found each other, but Yusador's not here. So did he fuck up, or did we both just fuck up the same way? Hmm. The second one sounds more likely, but the first one... Wait, there's so much green around us, but I see... It's like a weird... It's like a whisper of blue... Hold there, traveler.

Speak thy name and be known, lest thou comes at the business end of mine staff. Here, chun, chun, chun. have this. Stranger, I am Arnie Kemp. Eleven years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use

that to upload a podcast, currently recorded here in the Forest Western, on the south edge of Northeasteria, chronicling my quest to reunite with my buddies, chunt and us the wizard to save Northeistia and all the food from the wizards. God, I hope this is the right person. Uh-oh. Ah, hilarious. What a coincidence this is. My name is Rick Ramsey.

And I've been here waiting in my blue tuxedo to introduce you to this gentleman over here. Artie, he clearly... Tis I, you should know a wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer. of chaos. Is he the champion of the great halls of Dracus?

The elves, nomius, fearing, yelok. The dwarves no me is zoning and hook stangis. I am known throughout the northeast is Gasuania's Maystar. And there may be other secret names. Names so powerful that if ever they were uttered aloud, most assuredly, I would cause a rain of blood to seep from the skies unlike any other blood rain doused has ever seen. Thank you, Rick Ramsey, for the introduction. You are very welcome.

I shall now return to my pocket dimension. Rick Ramsey sounds a lot like you, Usador. I don't think so. He's like your vocal doppelganger. I know. It's like you're not even trying to. It's like it was you not trying to hide your voice and just giving yourself a name. That was Rick Ramsey.

He came in his blue tuxedo to introduce me to reunite us. I'm very grateful to him. Shame when you come in your blue tuxedo. That's true. Yeah, it's going to show. Gonna bleed through. Guys, how are your quests? Do we all feel like red?

to save Northeasteria? Most assuredly, for the Ruby of Galazil has been recharged, and now I'm ready to face those wizards head on. And, Trent, what were you trying to do again? Have fun. Isn't that what you always tell us to do?

I mean, I hope so. It's the most important thing at the end of the day. Oh, wait, but I also got a blessing from Tanya the Tired. Oh. You set eyes upon Tanya the Tired? Yeah, I think so. It's been a while, but I think so. Oh, what a wonderful boon this is to you, Chunt.

And guys, you'll never believe this, but I found the silent eye, the secret organization. And did you know Talbot, the Badger, is really high up in the silent eye, so it was kind of nice to catch up with him. Really? Oh, yeah, he's like Rank 33, I believe. Oh. Yeah, and he gave me all kinds of information about how to sneak into Northeastia. That stuff happened off Mike, but just listener, trust me, that happened. Well, I also met Rick Ramsey off, Mike.

That's a totally different character from me. Oh, sure, sure. Sounds nothing like me. Yeah, and a lizard killed my fishwife. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that shunt. Let me check. Oh, nerds. Yeah, my microphone was turned off so we don't have.

Unless. No, it looks like the backup failed as well. Okay. So now the heroes are reunited and nothing will distract us from our quest to save Northeast to you. Oh, what was that? I heard another noise. A hundred rustling. Rick?

Rick Ramsey? Rick Ramsey? Rick Ramsey? Rick Ramsey? Oh, is there my? Oh, wait. There's some kind of. large creature

over there. Oh, maybe it's my doppel ganger. Maybe it's like a... Is it another badger? It's got fur for sure. Oh, wait. Ugh.

Oh, it's a possum, I think. Motherfuckers! I'm not... Yo, I'm not... Yo, you fuck up. I'm a real fucking possum. You see this? This is my badge.

Whoa. The possum has a badge. Wait, wait, let me bite it. Ooh, chocolate. Yeah, real chocolate. And he said he's a real fucking possum, so I guess he's a real possum. Motherfucker, do you have any idea how long I've been undercover?

You're about to blow my whole fucking case. Oh, so sorry. You were laying dead. Were you posing as like a undercover as a corpse? I was doing it all, man. I was posing over undercover. I forgot the real me, man. I've been a possum so long.

I don't remember what it's like to be a person. I don't remember what it's like to sleep in a bed. You hear me? Arnie, Arnie, based on your nightly tellings of movies, this sounds like a Donnie Brascoe. This is an into deep kind of situation. You're right. I'm in very deep, man.

The possums in this forest, which is western in on the south edge of Northeastia. I don't even remember names like that anymore. To me, it's just the big woods, because that's what all the possums call it. We've been running... We, and I say we, because I'm part of this, man. We've been running drugs up and down this forest for years now. I'm about to blow the lid off this whole thing. But it is very important that I stay a possum for a long time

and have sex with all the other possums in here, because if I stop having sex with possums, they're going to find out that I'm a druid pretending to... be a possum stuck in wild shape for years and they're going to kill me. So I got to keep having sex with possums. It's not that I like it. It's actually irrelevant if I like it or not. I love it, but that doesn't matter. That's a ton to unpack. I understand. And you imagine what it's like to live is this. Excuse us for one second, possum. I'm going to talk to my friends. Guys, if I'm reading through the lines, I don't think this is really a possum. No, he flat out said he was a

Druid disguised as a possum trying to open up a drug ring being run by possums. Okay. So I was wondering, you said, I adore, if you could, like, had a spell like detect possum, but maybe you don't even need to do that. No, I'm just going to take him in his word for now. I, you know, it's a bit intrusive, you know, I don't like to cast detect blank on whoever without their consent.

Sure, sure. You know, it's like, oh, I'm going to detect magic. And all of a sudden it's like, well, shit, I'm doing magic. But maybe I was just like, you know, putting a glamour on myself to look more beautiful for my date tonight. And then you've kind of outed them. It's rude. Sure, sure.

Can you imagine rude magic? I can't. The tales. Now, listen, guys, motherfuckers, I can hear everything you were saying. I don't know if possums have good hearing or not, but I know I do. If you want to cast a tech possum on me,

I guarantee you right now what's going to happen. It's going to show up, it's going to say possum with an asterisk. That's how deep in I am, man. Oh, wow. That's very impressive. The asterisk is a bit of a good way, though. Sure, sure.

I'm going to be honest. So Possum, Druid pretending to be a possum, how would you like us to refer to you? Do you have a name you'd like to go by? Your possum name, your druid name? We just squeaking at each other all the time. I don't know what the fuck most of these guys are saying. I'll be honest with you.

Hold on. Hold on. You can't talk to them, but you've been having sex with all of them. Yeah. Huh. And look, you'd know. You'd know if something was wrong. Okay, okay. They know sure clear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can read the intonation of the squeaks.

You just can't literally track. I'll be honest. Every once or a while, I can't speak with animals. I talk to these guys. You know what happened? You know what? They're mostly saying? You know what mostly possible?

He's eating cocaine. I think you snorted it. I think you snort it. Don't eat that in your mouth. You snort it? Yeah, you snort it. Really? I think I eat it and I get a sore throat and I don't get that high.

Well, I mean, are you saying there's a better way? I don't think you're fooling any of these possums. You don't even know how their drugs work. They are not small. part. It is not tough to full of pos. You see the poss? They play dead and they think that that works. They don't know that we all know what playing dead is. Did you know bears and stuff? They also know.

Every animal knows what playing dead is. And you know why they don't eat us? You know why? I just was new. I learned this when I was a possum. They think we're so low status. They find it pathetic. It's not that we're dead and gross. It's that they feel bad for us. That tracks. That makes a lot of sense. Sorry, I ate a lot of cocaine. That's why cats sometimes sleep on our bed is because they think we're helpless. have to look out for us. Same idea. Same idea. But possum, I must know, you said sometimes you

cast, um, talk with animals and, and you said what they're really saying. What are they really saying? They are mostly saying, I'm a possum. Ah! Oh yeah. They don't have the, I mean, and that's, and I think that's speak with animals meeting them more than halfway, if you know what I'm saying. You know, I think, yeah. I actually think what they're probably just saying is, ah, ah, ah, and with no, I, because speak with animals. They're real think about it, right? It implies a certain amount. a brain function that is just not happening with these things. In defense of possums, because enchanté,

my name is Chunt, I am a badger. In defensive possums, I think you know, the rest of us don't announce what we are enough. I think, you know, they could pull back, obviously, pull back a little bit, but also maybe the rest of us should start saying

what we are, followed by a little yelp of joy or a little scream of delight. That's what I do. Motherfolk, can I tell you so after being a possum for eight years? Can I tell you something? I strongly disagree. I find it very unpleasant. Okay. I'm sorry. Oh, please put me down. Please put me down. Please put it down. I shouldn't

be this strong. Look, I'm going to say that I've never spoken to a possum, so I'll take your word for all of this. I will take you at face value. You have lived. I have lived. I have lived the opposite if you haven't lived and there is not much you are missing out on if you're not talking to possums. But I was going to

say you can talk to some animals. Like if you cast chat with animals, spell and you talk to a horse or or a dog or even a cow you get some amount of sort of back and forth. They have thoughts, they have feelings. I got

him ranked by intelligence. Last time I talked to a cow, you know what he said? What's that? And she said, I'm a big girl. Was she? Was she? She knew what I was saying? But what was the intonation? Was she proud of that? Was she embarrassed? I'll give you the exact intonation because

it is burned it. I'm a big girl. Yeah, I think she's pretty happy about that. And I And I was trying every angle. I was talking about the weather. I was talking about her kids. I was saying, how's that grass? And she just kept saying, I'm a big girl. And you know what?

She sure was. She's got goals. She's reached those goals. She's proud of it. I don't blame it. There's a level of zen that these animals operate at that would blow your mind. Yeah. If only we could all be so peaceful.

And Arnie, we've dumped a lot of fantasy to you, fantasy creatures. Horse, dogs, cows. These are all, I don't, do you have these? on earth. They're all sort of like how to describe them. I've heard of them. John, I've heard of them. I'm a big girl. Okay. Yeah, he's a big girl. Remember, we used to have some horses. All our horses

are somewhere. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. And cows, that's where we get, um, this is going to sound insane, Arnie. Cows is where we get milk from in food. And I know we're a magical world. And on earth, you probably, I don't know, grow milk on trees, but we actually extract it, huh? I mean, do almonds? Actually, oh boy, I don't even know where almonds come from.

Did I think they come out of trees? Well, here they come from the almond king. Out of trees? Like, if you squeeze a tree hard enough? Just an almond shoots out, right? Arnie. Parson, you should know, this is our friend, Anni. He's from another world.

So sometimes things in our world seem strange and unfamiliar to him. So that's why we try to introduce him to things slowly over these past 11 years to make sure that he grasped the new world that's become his home. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. I get that. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, you guys want to know what cows are saying when we milk them? I guarantee you you're gonna stop drinking milk if you find out. Is it I'm a big girl? Yeah.

That doesn't... You're pretty thirsty for water or orange juice or something that's not milk right now, aren't you? I don't think that makes me want to stop. All right, you know what?

At one out of ten. When I tell this to people, one out of ten, get real into milk. Yeah, I'm gonna have more milk now. I like it. Okay, well, why don't we take a quick break and then we'll reassess and we'll figure out how to help this possum? Most people don't struggle with investing because they're lazy.

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listen to the Investing for Beginners podcast wherever you get your podcast. Dumb Dums and Dice would like to invite you to listen to Agents of the Inquisition, a Warhammer 40K RPG podcast. Interrogator Morgan Rawls is hauled out of prison and assigned a team of hand-picked operatives to save the Imperium. Will she become a true agent of the Inquisition, or will her team fall to chaos? Spotify called Agents of the Inquisition an instant,

hit in 2025. Follow and listen to agents of the Inquisition wherever podcasts can be found. The Emperor commands it. So, possum, we don't want to, like, spoil your undercover, but I'd love to hear, like, could we cast a spell

of protection so none of the possums can hear and learn a little bit about the druid you that led you to this place? Ronnie, that's not a spell of protection. He's the thing, man, they've already seen. They've already seen. You've got to attack me. You've got to do something bad to me. You've got to hurt me. They're not going to trust me if I go back out there.

I'm not going to be able to have sex with possums anymore. I thought you didn't want to do that. Maybe I said that. I say a lot of things. I'll say whatever it takes. But I've got to get back out there and have sex with possums. Whether I like it or not, which is immaterial, it is important to my job that I keep having sex with possums.

Bone in them, left ways and right. Leftways? Wait, there's a little possum scout looking. Clearly, look at it. Artie, quick, punch him. Okay. Oh, hey, possum. hurt.

Ooh, you're really gonna... I'm not really good at fake fighting. Oh, throwing a punch. Nah, no, that's not gonna do it, man. You're gonna have hate in your eyes when you do it. They're gonna know. Get out of the way, Nika. I'm gonna grab you by your little possum lapels,

and I'm gonna shake you down. Yeah, yeah, I'm standing in Christ post. Really make it hurt. Really do it. Listen to me. I want those drugs and I want them right now. Forgive them, Father. They know not what they do.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder if the lapels are kind of a giveaway to the other possum. Summ's, did you notice he's got like a little collar, just almost sort of like a comic strict cartoon that has no shirt but a collar and a tie? Yeah, sort of, um, based on your nighttime tales of earth, sort of snagglepussing it? A little bit, yes. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to immediately guess and just like figure out from context who snagglepusses

it talks like this even, is that right? Yeah, that's at stage list. That's his vibe generally. You got to get real good at guessing if you're a possum, man. Yeah, I'm snaggle pussy. That's why I have these cuffs on. Cufflinks and a bow tie. Well, the little possum outlook, he sort of nodded and turned away, so I think we're good for now.

I'm good, man, I'm good. But you guys even need to kick me and spit on me and do a bunch of real rough stuff to me of any possum C, okay? Sure, sure. But you don't like that. That's just part of your job. Yeah, dude, I hate it, but you're going to have to do it real hard. And even if the possums aren't looking, you might just have to go for it. You know what I mean?

I suppose. Well, let me cast a couple. of silence, that's what you meant instead of a protection spell, Arnie, so we can speak without the other possums hearing us, even though it sounds like they're too stupid to understand anything. They exist in a very specific mental threshold, so it's cool that I'm having sex with them, but they also don't understand about my job. Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And they're all 18.

Oh, for sure. There you go. There you go. Here, no one can hear us now. It is good. It is good to be able to talk to people. Can I tell you, I've just been talking possums for a long time. I'm sure you can't tell because I'm so chill and easy to talk to. But I it's been, I'm a little, these muscles are atrophying. You know what I mean? How long? How long have you been out here?

Pretending to be a possum. At this point, it's just, I'm going by moons. You know what I mean? How many moons? 418? Wow, that's a lot of moons. A lot of moons, baby. And it's just the one. It's just the one keeps turning. Right. Yeah. We only have the one moon. So sometimes it looks like a Fingerdale, remember those? So wait, does that just mean it's 118 nights? Like, nights? Or I guess I'm, maybe I'm trying too hard to understand the moon. Months.

I'll help you out here. It's months. Okay, okay. So as a druid, in your life before, what did you have to leave behind? Oh, wife, several kids. Oh, whoa. It was tough, man. It was tough.

Do you think you'll ever be reunited? I just don't see a way. I mean, they live pretty close to here. I see them all the time. I just don't see away, man. I don't seem possible to me, you know? You see them all the time? You used to see them off in the distance?

I mean, I don't know what I'm... They think I'm dead. Oh. Oh, there's a little cottage there. It says the Druid family. Yeah, yeah. Is that? Oh, that's them?

That's them all right. Live very close. They had a funeral for me. I sat in the rafters and listened. I'm imagining, you know, if there's like a, like a precocious child from from lore, maybe from your world, like a little like that. Sure, sure. People did not have nice things to say about me.

That came as a shock. Oh, no. like possum fucker. Yeah, they called me possum fucker if you can believe it. This does remind me of a story from my world, the story of Diane Sawyer.

Interesting. Now, obviously, I don't know who that is. Yeah, yeah. I assume she listened to her own funeral. Yes. A friend named Huckleberry Finn? No, wait, shit, I got it all wrong. Is it possible that you...

Oh, use it or careful. Maybe don't say a POS word. Oh. Too close to Possum. Yeah, dude, I got mad horny. when you said possible. And when I said it too, it did not help.

Okay. Is there any chance then that you pose a threat to us? Ooh, sorry. I spelled that one out in my head when you said pose. Sorry. It's not a pronunciation thing.

It is I see the words as you say them. All right. Well, let me take this position. And be careful about saying like open, too, because oh, possum, possum, it all makes me fucking hard as hell. There's a lot of letters in possum.

And there's not as much blood in my body, so when I get hard, I get dumb. Oh, yeah, sort of like, Pervert synesthesia or whatever? Yes, exactly like pervert synesthesia. I couldn't help but notice an important detail from your funeral. Sure. That before you became an undercover possum trying to expose this drug ring,

people already thought of you as a possum fucker. That's interesting. The tiebide is hazy. It's not clear why they would have thought that about me. But I definitely, I had to go, I had no choice, had to go undercover to this possum drug ring. They're moving drugs. You saw it. I ate cocaine.

That proves that the possums are moving. drugs and I gotta fuck them. It proves you have cocaine. I don't know it proves that they're moving anything. Hey, where else could I have gotten it? I'm a little possum. Who'd give a little possum just like snagopus cocaine? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Oh, excuse us one moment.

Aren't you? Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Last time we did this, he heard all of it. Wait, let me cost another cone of silence inside this cone of silence. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I'll be on top. Guys, you know how I'm a badger. Ah. Yeah. Yes, yes. Well, I I have my ear to the ground with a lot of

animal community. And maybe like a year ago, I heard about something called undercover POS, which was a boss of who was the CEO of a company. He hired only Possums for some reason. Then he went undercover as a POS and was like, being like, oh, the CEO is so hot, right? We'd all like to fuck him, right? And just like doing all this crazy stuff. And eventually everyone fucked it. And you think this is, you think this might be that. This might be the same guy. or at least you might know him. So wait, you're saying about a year ago you were hearing about Undercover POS? This wasn't like seven to ten years ago.

This doesn't feel like a real recent thing that was happening. Artie, Arthed food are not a one-to-one. That's fair. That's fair. Look, I also wanted to add to this. I know we're inside two cones of silence right now, but I got real bad gas. Oh, cast another cone. Erat-at-tarned-come-up!

I still smell it. I still smell it. Arne, I still smell it. I just can't hear it. Undo, undo, undo, undo. What the fuck? Me? Something smells awful, but I cannot hear what it is. I think something died in the forest.

Makes sense. Always happening in the forest. One of the number one things that happens in the forest. Yeah. What are some of the other things you've seen in the forest? Stuff being born? Possum genitals. Okay.

Possom mouths. That's top of the list? Possum hands. Yeah, we're just going by what I've mostly seen. My own hands. trees. I saw a bear throw up a fish skeleton. Possum.

I keep feeling weird just calling you possum. What is your druid name? Do you mind? I'd be honest with you. I don't remember your druid name? I've been undercover song. I'm just a possum now. You call me possum.

It's not taken. The other possums don't have names. You can just call me possum. I think it's fine to refer to possum as possum if that's what they prefer. Unless their orgasm being and then they should be called an O possum. Oh man, that made me crazy horny.

That's just science. Also, I want to clarify, I know we're having a private conversation, but part of me is like if this conversation were ever to go out to an audience, these possums are into it. Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. These possums dig what I'm doing, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, look, guys, look. In the woods there, behind that tree, there's a possum in like red lingerie. Oh, va-va-boom, yo! They really are into it. Like, they are really... Well, Chunt, there's a few of them up on that ridge over there, and they're all waving and smiling and kind of flirting, kind of blowing kisses. You guys give me 11 seconds.

I will be right back. I never got very good at it. Okay. Once closing her possum eyes and on her eyelids it says love and you. Yeah, yeah. They do have language. They actually speak, they don't really speak much possum. They speak English just fine or whatever the common we call it.

They speak that just fine and can say it. Interesting. Guys, I'm starting to think the cocaine might explain a lot of this. Oh, that's a good point, Ani. I didn't even think about that. We thought it didn't have any effect since he was just eating it in his throat hurt. But, yeah, maybe he's high as hell. Okay, thanks for waiting up, guys. I'm back.

That wasn't even 11 seconds, I don't think. No, I'm just getting worse as I get older. Aunt we all. Just getting worse and worse at it. And let me tell you, I was not starting at a 10 out of 10. I've gone from a four to a one. You know what I mean? Possum, seeing that...

That's my name. Seeing that other possum, not you, seeing the other possum close our eyelids and have it say love and you, makes me wonder, what are the odds that the rest of these possums are also undercover Druitt? I'll be honest.

I have never once had that suspicion in my life. I'm finding it a little rattling. It does take a lot of the shine off of it for me. What is this is just a forest? If I'm just part of a community of fellas, you know, like that's fine, but it's not really what I signed up for necessarily. What's the druid community like in this area? Like, are you the only druid near this forest? Actually, now that you mention it, I was pretty well received in the druid community.

You know what I mean? They had a lot of the same taste as me. Yeah, I'm not liking where this is going, to be honest. and yet at the same time it's making my whole deal go down so much smoother. Yeah, I think morally it's actually a plus. Oh, it's a huge step up. The only thing bad about it is how much you hate it, probably.

I'm not going to have to constantly just say, oh, by the way, they're into it. Trust me. You won't have to constantly look over and see Jessica Rabbit possums smoking, please look on their face to justify my whole deal. Arnie, in food, Jessica Rabbit was, a rabbit born, I want to say five years ago. Does that sound right, Usador?

Yeah, five, six years ago. Sounds right. And she wasn't bad, but she was just sort of born this way. She was just sort of like a very voluptuous, sultry rabbit. And a lot of, a lot of guys, you know, kind of shot their shot with her. Sure. Is this the rabbit that years and years before as a baby fell down a well? Oh, yeah, baby Jessica Rabbit. Baby Jessica, yeah, yeah.

Baby Jessica, the real baby grew up to be a voluptuous rabbit. So it all worked out. It all worked out. All good, yeah. Yeah, I wonder what happened down in that well. I know exactly what happened. I had a picture book as a kid, and I was shocked by the image. Well, Ani, I think we should take a quick break before we figure out if these are really possums or really druids.

Ani, can I speak to you in a cone of silence for a moment? But you're just going to fart again, right? No, no, no, no, it's not that. You farting in those? That explains what I was smelling. Something died. I just have to talk to Arnie for a second. Kelterol to-al-ah!

How you doing, buddy? I missed you. It's been a while. I missed you too. I just, you know, I didn't want it to talk just to you for a second. Is this about chunt? Goddesses forbid. If anything ever happened to chunt,

I think this guy could take his place like that. Oh, that's interesting. They both have a sexy quality about them. They're basically interchangeable. I never thought this before. This never would have occurred to me. But possums are kind of like just a fucked up badger. Like there's a similar look.

Yeah. It's like someone like punched a badger to death. Let's get back out there. Let's get back out there. I'm doing. Hey, Chond, how are you doing? Good. I was talking to Possible.

We have so much in common. Really? Yeah, we're both small mammals. We're both small mammals. Yeah, that's true. Both addicted to cocaine. Both addicted, well. You could quit whatever you want.

We know. Oh, not me. Not me, buddy. No, no, it's got its hooks in me. I would die. Okay, well. Possum, can I ask? I'd rather.

Rather die. I'd tell you that for free. Possum, can I ask, your investigation and you're in too deep, is there kind of like an end game that you know you've been successful? I think when there's no possums left the bone, you know? Oh, I see.

Then I'll know. Then I'll know that the drug ring is over. You know what I mean? Do you have like a boss or a chief that you report to? No, no, no. It's totally freelance. Undercover. I see.

So it's not like your druid chief is like, Possum, get into my office. Turn in your... No, in fact, my druid chief said, whatever you do, do not do this. You will not... If you do, it's Friday. If you do this over the weekend,

do not come in on Monday. And good to his word. Good to my word. I didn't come in. I just been doing this ever since. So you literally couldn't go back to your life. There's a funeral. You have no job.

You've been ex-juidicated? Extrudicated is the term, very good, my man. Very good. That is the term, and it did occur to me. That's almost as good as nothing's impossible. Oh, God. phrases like that make me crazy horny. Do remember that.

Oh, wait a minute. Guys, you know that cottage over there that says the Druid family? Uh-huh. Look, it's probably Possum's ex-wife and the kids. And then Rick Ramsey's is kissing the wife. Oh, man. It looks like your wife moved on. Looks like she did.

I better sit down in this chair and watch the whole thing. I better watch that play out. You know, I better do to just keep an eye on it. You know what I mean? Possom, I guess. And hey, if I have a good time watching, who's to say? Who gets hurt, really? He told me he lived in a pocket dimension.

Now he's just living with some Druid wife. Passam, you might be the biggest Perve we've ever had on the show. And that's, it's not a low bar. Yo, that feels good to be the best of something. Might as well, right? Well, it could be that feeling good

or it could be you in the cuck chair. I'm sorry, the chair. No, no, call what it is. Buddy, let's just rip that band-aid off. There's a cuck chair. Built it out of acorns. She must have found it by now. She's got to know on some level what's happening. Oh, probably. God, my kids are like 20. So how long have you been gone?

How old were they when you left? I said 400-something moons, and I'll be fucked if I'm doing that math. I should not know. Oh, I thought you said 118. Maybe I did? Yeah. You also said eight years at one point, so it's all over them. Has anything I've said, do I strike you as a guy who listens when I talk?

Absolutely not. Yeah, no, I do not know. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. You've got other things to worry about than how long you've been in the forest fucking possums. Yeah, like how long am I gonna stay in this forest fucking possums? That's right. You look ahead. That's right. I appreciate that. 800 moons, my man. 800 moons. And here's the 800 more. I just want to clarify, I hate to keep backing up on us like this, but

you mentioned that your wife probably saw the chair, this little chair that you're sitting in now. For sure. She saw that. And she assumed the thing she thought is my dead husband obviously disguised himself as a possum. and now is watching me fuck Rick Ramsey's. You gotta assume she knew me pretty well, you know? That's true. We walked down that aisle together. Yeah. She keeps glancing over here.

Mind you, we're only, I don't know, 15 feet away. We're talking a lot. Yeah, you're very loud, full grown. Definitely looking. We should probably move. And again, I'm speaking in plain common, not in possum tongue. We're on their long, really. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry about that. Well, that's on us. Yeah. You know, I don't know much about druid magic. Like, how permanent is this transformation or does it, the magic just wear out at some point? Wears off every few minutes. I got to keep casting. Oh, wow.

That's going to be exhausting. I cannot. I cannot. That's why I do all the coke. I got to focus. Oh. And now I'm fine. I can snort it and it'll have a greater effect and I won't get a sore throat all the time.

And my bowels won't just constantly be inflamed. Oh. Yeah. The spell might last an hour now. Who knows? Oh, yeah, Coke focuses. Oh, man, I tell you, when I eat food, it goes flying out the other end. I think I've made it totally smooth, and there's no resistance.

I don't think, I'm, you notice I'm a rather thin possum, not to brag. Well, I didn't want to comment on that, but I, you are very thin. We don't really have beauty standards in the same way, possum. Sure. Is that so? It's pretty nice. And yet, I am a, and it's actually, it's bad for me to be this thin as a possum. It's, there's numerous, uh, I'm in much more danger all the time because of it.

Anyway, every 20 minutes or so, I got to recast this spell. Since we've been talking, I've recast it. Wow. So, being a thin possum, I assume the winters are very hard on you. Summers are no picnic either, my friend. Okay, so bad all around. I'll tell you, Fallen spring. Fallen spring are the easiest of it, and they are agony.

Oh, sure. And what's it like with all the nipples? Not bad. A lot of options. A lot of options. A lot of options. Did you know? You get your legs, guys, your ass guys.

Sure, sure. You know, you can be a seventh nipple guy. Oh. No, that's a part of the. The horizons I have explored would blow your mind. You guys should give it a try. You should be possum sometimes. Wow, seventh nipple, more like seventh heaven.

That's what I'm talking about. Put her there! And make it hurt when you do. They're looking. Oh, they are looking. Yeah, dude, make it hurt. Oh, I'm punching you. Oh, come on, man.

So slow. Already twist his nipple. I know. Yeah, no. Yeah, dude, there you go. Which one you're going to? get. Well, Arnie, all his nipples are doing sort of a come hither

emotion. You know how long it took me to train them to do that? It's like when a dog is really hungry and a scent sort of like becomes like a pie pulling on a window. It begins it over. Yeah. Well, we have to go save the world. Okay.

I'd see no one's jumping at the nipple off. I just, you know, I just, you know, we've gotten a little distracted here. We are trying to defeat the evil wizards who have overrun foon and as fascinating as your story is, I think maybe, um, I think maybe, do you guys think it's maybe time to move on? I mean, we, we do know that the, we do know that Spintax attacking Northeastia is eminent. We probably shouldn't waste a single minute. You probably shouldn't.

Let's quit cone of silence. Should, um, should we kill this guy? I think he's our cast cone of silence. What do you think he's saying? Should we kill this guy? Can anyone hear him? Why is no one responding to him? Hello?

He just cast it on himself. Hello. Yeah. I don't know what. I guess sometimes sometimes we just got to hide out of you and talking to you. Why are you? I'm pretty good at lip reading. I think he was offering to thrill this man.

Undue, undo it, too. Which I would say yes. My friend, I accept your proposal. Oh, okay. Look, we have urgent business, but I do think, Possum, will you mind hang out for a minute while I read an email? Not a problem. I know you probably don't know what an email is, but maybe from context clues.

I could figure it. If you just give me seven to 11 seconds, I actually got some business with another possum. All right. Listeners, you can email us at Magic Tavern at Puppies. Dot supplies is a real email address, or you can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and message us there. Here is one, and I want to read this email because it is about my golden branch that gives me safe passage in all forests. Let's see here. Hello, Arnie, Chunt, and Usador.

On Earth, there are actually hundreds of definitions of forest. Nearly every Earth government has its own definition. For reference, one particularly cited definition for forests is from the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization, larger than 0.5 hectares, about 53,000 square feet. Hectares. I don't know what that means. But more than 10% of the canopy must be trees. the trees must be more than five meters tall, and land like orchards is excluded because those are technically crops. I know this sounds pedantic, not that any of you are averse to pedantry, but if Arnie is relying on the golden branch for safety, sometimes the difference between safe passage and becoming tree food could be knowing if you're technically in a forest.

Don't die in a forest or elsewhere. Name not included. Oh, thanks, name not included. Thank you, name not included. Thank you, I suppose, for, um... I mean, honestly, Ani, I... We don't have the same rules here in food. I imagine if you went to a large area with a bunch of four-foot-tall trees, you'd be just fine, though you'd be taller than all the trees.

I mean, I think 10% canopy is pretty achievable. Like, that's still a lot of open sky. I imagine if you even went through an orchard, you'd be... probably be okay, or at least it probably like mitigate the damage somewhat. I feel like a forest is like porn. I know it when I see it. Does that make sense? It's a bunch of trees. Yeah, that reminds me. I think you're addicted to forest,

John. I could stop whatever I would. Unlike cocaine. Might mean like cocaine. Like okay. Look, we're kind of at the edge of the forest, and it's, I don't know, like a, like a three-minute dash to get to Northeastia. I'm just a little worried about covering that land without getting hurt. I think you'll be all right.

I mean, you have a great wizard with you, and of course, Chunt and all his abilities and his Warhammer, I think we'll be fine. Okay. Are you guys going to get off my lawn any time today? Oh, sorry. Sorry, Rick. His lawn. Do you hear that?

I guess, do you think she remarried? Oh, she's holding up a ring She just pointed a ring And looking right at possum Oh, hey, sorry, I'm bad Yeah, that was the, God, that was That was long in a bad way

If you know what I mean Oh, sure, sure That was, yeah, something's gotten really wrong Something's really got haywire, you know what I mean? We think your wife may have remarried Rick Ramsey Oh yeah, I was at the wedding, I saw Oh, you saw?

Okay, yeah, I brought the little chair, I watched the whole thing Okay, that's next level called cherry Yeah, sure, yeah, really The possum he just fucked is taking out a little weatherproof notebook and jotting down notes. Oh, this is really giving credence to the undercover thing. This is a forest full of druids who think all of the other druids want to fuck possums and are selling drugs and none of them are. And also way over there, there's a tiny little van with possums in the back that are like listening in.

Oh, yeah, I was wondered what that was about. I always saw it. I never once thought to question it. Yeah. Huh. It does say food on the outside, so I, I, I was fooled. I was thinking they sold food. Right. Should have thought, why are there possums in there?

That's a great, really great point. All right. Well, before we head off for Northeast, are any of these trees just knocking on some of these trees? Hello, are you Cabellone? No?

Hello? Are you Caballone the talking tree? No. Do I, if any of these trees can get a message to Caballone, I just have questions about this forest spell. I don't know. We'll figure it out, big guy.

Yes. Fear not. For now we venture forth. Whether we're protected by force or not, it is our time to rise to the occasion, protect Northeistia, and defend all of food from the evil of the wayward wizards. Look, I got this map from the silent eye,

and I think if I'm looking across this field, is an entrance of the secret passages into Northeasteria. So we just got to get to that. Well, there's only one way I can think of. Run! Wait, guys, wait, guys, we use leaves as condoms. It doesn't tell. Why would he yell that at us?

I don't know. I just thought you'd be interested. He's chafing us. Try you tell us, please. I just left so much of my deal on the table. Oh, look, his wife's running after him, and then Rick's running after her. Guys, quick. They're bringing, they're drawing a lot.

lot of attention to us. We were trying to sneak in. Oh no, the food band's coming. The food band's coming. Guys, right? I think we've blown everyone's cover. We've got to get out of here. Hold. Hold there. Who is trying to get into Northeastia? Yeah, I'll go also. Who's trying to get in here? He's new. We're training him. Yeah, how am I doing?

You're doing okay. Okay. It's the how am I doing. That's what is... Really throws it, right? That's the only part. Everything else was good. So if I just do everything I did, up until that? Yeah, all right. Just trying to get back to our food cart in Northeast. I'm just a simple old man.

You see here in my blue robes. Nothing suspicious about me. And this is my son. Jonathan Fairfax. My name is Jonathan Fairfax. Sounds good. All right. Just straight this way.

And if you wouldn't mind just completing the survey, how I guarded this area behind me on a scale of one to five. Keeping in mind four and below, I will lose my job. Oh, shit. Wait. What the fuck? He turned the clipboard to face us and it says 15%, 20%, 25%. And I am hoping for a tip.

We haven't done anything. He didn't do anything. Fine. Just say 25%. It's fine. 25%? Yeah, I mean, what else are we going to do? 25% of what?

This guy's probably living off tips. It is the classy choice. Fine. And I'm a cat. meow. Great. Yes, this is our cat. Fantastic.

Yeah, you guys are good to go. And again, I hate to press this again, but the five stars. Sure. Hold on, hold on. Look, right over there, there's a posting saying, we're looking for these three. Oh. King Bellaroff wants these three captured. These three here, but this is just an old man and his son and his cat.

Yeah, but if you squint, they look old. Look, they're crude drawings, but they kind of correspond to these three. But the blue one's not. wearing a hat. He's just holding a hat. But he's holding the exact hat, the exact hat from the drawing. You there, put the hat on. Oh, all right. Here I go.

I'm putting my hat on in the normal way. Get him! Oh, shit. We're captured immediately. I'm only giving you four stars, but not more. Wait, go, go, go! I'm taking fire to me! Wait. Things can get more than zero. stars? That makes me look at our iTunes store profile very differently. Use it or the Wizard

was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Addle Rofi. Possum, the Druid, going undercover as a possum, was played by special guest Branson Reese. Check out Branson's very funny, improvised narrative role-playing podcast, rude tales of magic wherever you get podcasts. Hello from the Magic Cavern is an independent fiasco. Sorry production. Made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about

supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adder Rify. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hofferman, this episode edited by Sage G.C. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Adlerid LeBahn.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.