Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 99 - Last Night Alive (w/ Blaine Swen, Steve Waltien & Erica Elam)

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

On the eve of the wizard invasion, King Tomblaine and Arnor the Warrior contemplate what might be their last night alive.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungArnor: Blaine SwenKing Tomblaine Belaroth: Steve WaltienSinging Sword: Erica ElamMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Marisa Ewing-MoodyMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Every now and then someone would die. Risk. True stories, no holding back. They catch my mom poisoning my sister. People say risk makes them feel less alone and more alive. During my time in prison, I discovered a podcast called Risk. That podcast saved my life so many times. Risk. The show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share.

you get your podcast. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Well, I don't know about you, but I am flush with excitement. Can you believe it's finally happening? All the delicious anticipation, leading us to this riveting, thrilling climax. I'm talking about my hydrangeas blooming. I don't know what's going on with this whole situation. But let's put on some background TV, fire up our white noise machine,

throw in some laundry, start a few chores, and find out. Sit back. and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, Arne Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

11 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast, usually used to chronicle our attempts to defeat the Wizards and led by SpinTax.

but now being recorded here in yet another dungeon, yet another prison, in the bowels of Castle Belaroth, and I am joined, as always, by once again my co-captive, Chunt the Talking Badger. Arnie, you always talk about Wi-Fi. Have you ever talked about Hal-Fi? Or Who-Fi? Is that where this is headed? Yeah. You're still getting a Wi-Fi signal? That's the man's name. Well, sometimes Wi-Fi.

I spilled my gruel. We're only given so much gruel, and where's your bread? I threw it. We've been incarcerated so many times over the run of this show. It's really getting old. The guard threw my bread at me, and I threw it back at him, then he kept it. Cut it in his mouth. It's actually pretty cool.

And I'm also joined by my other beleaguered co-captive, Usador the Wizard. I am Usador. Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos. Devour. Devour.

Stobeyed. The dwarfed. Stangis. Oh, stangis. And I am known here. Throughout the northeast as Gassuania's Casaminius Mesa, but I must keep my voice low while incarcerated such,

for if I were to fully reveal mine self as a wizard most assuredly, the hatred will. come pouring down upon me, and yet I find myself here with my two boon companions doing time again. Yeah. Does it make it better or worse that we are currently incarcerated by a former friend? Like King Belleroth, good buddy of ours, but now has us in his dungeon, even though we're just trying to save this city. I mean, I have kind of a different take on it.

You know, we've been incarcerated many times, yes, but how many times has that prison remained intact with us inside of it? We've destroyed a few of them. That is true. Yeah, we like to blow that shit up. That is tough because once again, we are here to save this city, and if we start just blowing shit up, that seems a little counterproductive to that end. I mean, you have to break a few eggs in order to make a cake. You have to crack open a cow to get all its milk to make the same cake.

And, of course, you'd have to take a piece of sugar cane and beat it to death in order to get all the sugar out of it. I used to think you don't know how sex works. I don't think you know how food works. I know how food works. It goes in-outy the other. I mean, he kind of nailed it, Arnie. Well, I'm just glad that we're here together. And it sounds like there's been a lot of commotion outside the castle.

I'm starting to worry that we're going to be too late to save Northeastia. From whatever Spintax sends to destroy the city. Yes, there has been a lot of commotion. I'm concerned that perhaps the tax have already started, in now, or there's a community theater troupe out there rehearsing for a play and they're all going peas and carrots, peas and carrots. Oh, I would kill to see one last play. One last play about fruit or veg.

Oh, John, yes, if, oh, yes, if you only had one last play to see, which play would it be? Oh, it might, it's either peas and carrots or a rhubarb, rubarb, rubarb, rubarb. You're just hungry. I love rhub, rubarb, rubarb, rubarb, rubab. I think it's an underrated classic. Oh, yeah. Oh, so good. It's groundbreaking, Arnie, in that everyone, all the characters talk at once.

Every character, there's 42 characters. They all say their lines at the exact same time. Wait, they all say their lines at the same time? They all say their lines at the exact same time. That doesn't sound believable. So the play is only, I want to say like three minutes long, but... Is this play recorded over Zoom? It requires you to go 42 times to kind of get the whole scope of it.

I see, I see. Guys, I'm going to miss you both when you're dead. Aw. Arnold. Arnold. Oh, it's Arny, but hey, it's good to see you. Oh, Arnor. What are you doing here?

A sight for sorries. Arni. It doesn't roll off the tongue. That's hard. I know. I'll be the first to admit it. Yeah, it sucks. It's a sucky name.

Best bud. Dear bud. Oh, I'm so excited to see you. It's hard being hugged through these bars. Arnor, I'm so glad you got out of that chimney, or you're stuck in like a, what was it? It was sort of like a, not a smokestack, but like a... Oh, a hole. I was stuck in a hole, yes.

Is that what you call that? That's what I call it, a hole, yes. It was like void. I was stuck in a void, and I broke free, and I made my way by instinct here to the northeast, where I have pledged myself into the service of King Tom Blaine, Belmont. Roth. Oh, that explains the fancy new garb that you're wearing. Yes, yes. Do you like? It looks good. Thank you. I mean, less flesh. I mean, you're the kind of person that can really pull off

all their clothes. I wasn't going to say it like that, but that's, I wasn't expecting that sentence to end that way. You're the kind of guy who could pull off all their clothes. Arnie, do you mean, a stripper? Look, I mean, he could be a stripper. He could be a stripper. And honestly, if I saw him on earth, I would be like, that guy's a stripper. Oh, I have been a stripper many times. I have ripped the flesh off of so many different beasts. Stripped it right off. Oh, you're making a cake?

Oh, yes, yes. You got to break the cow to get the milk, you know what I mean? That's right. Yeah. Oh, this isn't the time but new t-shirt? Arnie knee-kamp. When I heard you three were in the dungeon, I pleaded on your behalf with King Tom Blaine Bellaroth.

I explained to him how you delivered me from the jaws of Pizza Hill. He sent me here. to bring you onto him. Oh, we're being released, or at least into your custody? Well, I didn't, I didn't, I, you know what? He said, go get him, and that's, I, yeah, I didn't ask any questions. I just, I just, so I can't say exactly what happens next, but I, I do have a set of keys. That's great. I mean, it sucks down here, so I'm open to any change of venue.

Oh, are you going to finish that gruel? No, no, please, uh, you, you can have the rest of mine. I'm all grueled out. Oh, thank you, Gassiminius. Oh, a gentleman as ever. Yeah. Oh, thank you all. Oh, yeah.

Just unlock this door here. And, uh, here we go, swing it open. And congratulations on your new position. I notice you just hold the rank of lieutenant commander? That's right. That's right. Not a full commander. Yeah, I don't have all my...

Oh, there's a step up. Do you report to anybody? Well, to King... King Tom Blaine, to King Tom Blaine, Belorough. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. But everything's still kind of foggy upstairs, you know what I mean? Sure, sure. So the king met you and thought, well, I'll give him the rank of lieutenant commander,

not commander or a captain or general, even though you're one of the greatest warriors in all the food. You know, I accepted it out of the gate. I didn't think there was a chance to negotiate. Oh, never take the first rank. You got a bargain. Yeah, you can't take the first offer. That chunts are right about that.

Can't take the first officer. Sorry, that's what I meant to say. You can't take the first officer. I wish you'd been with me. I, too, honor. Oh, the feat we could achieve together and perhaps shall. Let us go forth and find out if Spintax is attacking, or if there's a community theater production going on.

There's a lot of stairs in this building. Oh, yeah. You gotta love that. That's how you really show off if you're king. You're like, I'm going to be so high up. I'm going to be at least like three floors up, which you can't really build much taller than that. Yeah, Arnie, next time you meet a king,

if we live to see the day, we're literally in our way to see a king, but thank you. We could die along the way, Artie. Who knows? This many stairs, we might. Yes, but we must climb the steps, Arnold. Please keep following me up and up and up until we meet that wonderful regent,

even though I've kind of turned on the whole hierarchy of people being born into power thing. But it's still hard for me. I still want to... I love genuflecting. You were raised a certain way. You like a certain kind of government. I loved a kneel.

I love bowing. I love the whole thing. I mean, I love the whole pomp and circumstance of it. Right, Arnor? I mean, you know, you're a captain. Oh, sorry. Oh, I might look... I don't know what I am anymore.

Come on, keep coming up. Hamstrings make kings. Quads make gods. He takes the stairs so fast. He's going like five at a time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

How am I going slower than Chunt with those tiny legs? Chunt's the littlest one. He needs the most help. Chant, would you like to float on a cloud the rest of the way? Yes, thank you. Oh, there's so many stairs up to the cloud. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. That's the only way to go on the cloud.

Do you need like a bird to come lift you onto the cloud? Oh, that would be amazing. Do you guys, anyone here know any birds? Come on, man. Nearby? No? All right. Oh, wait, there's the door.

We're here. We're here. Okay. That's a big door. Prepare yourselves now. I will open the door. But behind that door stands King Tom Blaine Belleroth. I can't wait to bow.

KT.B. A noble soul. Who eagerly embraced me into his employment and gave me the rank of lieutenant, lieutenant commander. Oh. Arnor, would you be honest with me? Is he going to kill us up here? Because he's trying to kill me every last time I've seen him. He stabbed you, right?

Didn't he stab you? He stabbed me many times before that even. I don't think he has reason to kill you. I explained that you delivered me from Pizza Hill. I explained that the reason I'm able to be in his service as a lieutenant commander is because of you. Surely he will embrace you as one of his own, as he did me. I appreciate how self-centered your universe is. And now I open the door.

Genuflect Your Majesty Neil Oh I love This is great I don't know What the difference Between some of these are

He was waiting right behind the door Right behind the door My former friends Here with me In my throne room To share our last night On Foon Oh shit he is gonna kill us

Wait But your last night as well? Yes. It would be no use for me to kill you. Use the door. I might say you try. No, guess myness, use the door.

Come in. Oh, yes. Yes, I'm here now. Yes, use the door. Yes, use the door. All of you. Come on in. Yes, now, though, close the door.

He's going to have a good one for your name. Can I bring my cloud in king, sir? Yes. Now, everyone chunt down. Oh, shit. I'm sort of chunted down. Yeah. Things are looking very, very, very,

Oh, Lieutenant Commander. Ah, yes. At your service, sir. Oh, I, just a quick question. Yes. Do you have other Lieutenant Commanders? Is this a common rank? I'd like to see your Lieutenant Commander data, if you have any.

What's not? Arnold, of course not. I will share my Lieutenant Commander data with you, but I will tell you, once my Lieutenant Commander data is gone, there's no way to retrieve it. Let's set those rules out right now. There's not going to be resurrecting all the lieutenant commander data. Once it's gone, it's gone.

Otherwise I can't emotionally attach to it. Arnor, don't take that. Show some spiner. I'm just a lieutenant commander. What can I do? You're telling me, King Bellaroth, that the moment I have first contact with the lieutenant commander data, it just vanishes forever.

I'm telling you that after first contact, there'll be one that's not so good. And that's the last time you should see it. So stop there, basically. So stop there. I'm not saying the whole enterprise is bad. I'm just saying if we're going to get rid of the lieutenant commander data, let's have the nerve to stick with it. So if you keep going, he's your nemesis, is what you're saying. I think so.

Have I gone too far? I'd be interested in finding out some other sort of information about other ranks. Do you have like a commander ranker? I do have a commander ranker. Thanks for asking. Would you like it with or without a beard? With please. Okay. Yeah. No, you, that's smart. I'm just going to put a little beard on it. That's lovely. Yes. No, there's only one lieutenant commander, in fact, but there are quite a few ranks above lieutenant commander. In fact, I'm, I'm surprised, Arnor, that when you approached me, given your skills, that you never asked to be anything above it. I've longed it. I've longed it. be a commander if I could.

It would be nice to go down to the sea and be able to access the commander wharf. He's right. Only commanders can access the commander wharf. I didn't expect to be having this conversation, but in some ways it feels inevitable. It sort of seems like it's surprising it hasn't happened

before now. That's that wharf with the fucked up forehead, right? Oh, you get off your boat and it's all fucked. Perhaps to you, but to other wharves, that looks completely normal. It's in honour to be there.

Very few who go want to leave. They cling on. Yes. Honor is a huge part of it, yes. Almost sickeningly, so. Yeah, maybe ran that into the ground. Anyway, oh well, Your Majesty.

Does anyone want to take a bat-lith? Borging. All right. Enough. If you'd like to wash yourself, you may. For you may meet your death clean. and yes, I do honor your promotion, Arnor. And Arnie, I would greet you with the blade as is customary for one who has threatened my rule. And yet, what would the very point of the blade be?

I'm so sorry, I shouldn't interrupt. Yes, what? No, I was just going to say, I guess I don't want to disagree with the king, but I've never tried to disrupt your reign. That was totally your thinking that I was going to somehow do that. Am I making it worse by disagreeing with you? Probably not great. I suppose we need it. It's a real lose-lose when you're talking to a king.

Arnie, buddy, please. You're going to be the next contestant on cash stab. I could destroy you now. And yet what would be the point? I might as well embrace you in friendship. Aw. That's so sweet. Arnie, take it.

Okay. I'm getting a lot of good hugs this episode. Look out the window here. Okay, come really close. Are you going to push me out the window? What? I could, but what would the point be? Yeah.

You seem a bit despondent, your majesty. Why such a dire outlook? The wizards have us surrounded, and I am certain that this is the end of my reign. Do you know, have you ever thought about this? We often ask ourselves, why fight? But we don't ask ourselves how fight. That's exactly

Yes, yes, your majesty That's exactly right How fight We're constantly looking for our Why fight signal The thing that tells us Why to take up arms And yet

At this moment I am plagued by another question And that is how fight Where fight Who fight? Will the wizard Yeah, some of these are Who will fight them?

Yeah, who's gonna fight them? Yeah, because the lot of the commanders are down at the commander wharf. Yeah, I wish I could go down there. I've got to get a signal to them because they're distracted by the waters. That wharf seems very exposed. Like you're going to lose most of those commanders immediately. Yeah, in retrospect, it's a peacetime wharf, really.

But, you know, because you get used to the comfort of peace and you give commanders all kinds of different responsibilities of different. and then you give them recreation. Do you know about Captain Picard? No, what is that? Oh, it's a wonderful, it's a magic show. And you send your captain down, and he can pick any card he likes. Picard, any card.

And then the magician, and captains love it. They spend so much time down there. Certainly. It's lovely. But we must think of showing up our resources, here, for I know the wizards have brought their infernal machine, the doctor crusher, and that means there's no medicine for any of us. Maybe I should jump out this window, maybe.

Don't do it, Arnie Neacamp. King Bellaroth, if you have any ill intent towards Arne Neacamp, you shall have to strike me first. Chunk, yes. I value Arne Neacamp like a brother. I value him as much as my own flesh, my own soul, which he is. retrieved from pizza hell. If you intend to strike him with a blade

or push him from a high flight, then you must do it unto me in advance. Perhaps that would be the easiest way for me to go then. Let on or slay me, so I don't need to see the death of my kingdom. And yet, one final night in the bosom of my friends might just send my soul

to foo, oo, and oon. with the appropriate celebration. Bism over in front. Excuse me? Let's take a quick break and we can figure this out. Your Majesty. I'll allow it.

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I'll see you there. King Bellaroth, I'm glad you're not trying to kill me, but I've never seen you this despondent. I mean, I know the attack from Spintag's forces is imminent, but like, there's probably something we can do, right? Like, in the last minute, save everything. Can I ask you something? Sure. How can you tell I'm dispondent? Well, you're not sort of, usually you walk around on your tiptoes.

You're just kind of like... Is it because I'm, is it because I'm looking at the floor? You are looking at the floor a lot. That's what it is, isn't it? And you keep saying, you know, nothing matters. Yeah, and you're going to die. You might as well die. Might as well die.

Nothing matters. You're kind of shuffling your feet, hands behind your back. Nothing matters. And I've heard you whisper, I'm so despondent. I'm so despondent. Nothing matters. Or a sort of an off gray. I do feel despondent, Arnie.

It is true, for you know that a king, in a way, is his people, and thus if I fall, all of Northeasteria falls with me. The king is his people? And if my people fall, I fall. Oh, what a terrible fate. To be so intertwined and to have so much responsibility thrust upon you. No wonder you never wanted to go to. the bat cave to do the bat dance. You know what?

I've come to love the thrusting. The thrusting is the nice. All right. It's because when you get it and you get all the privilege, that part is so nice. And you get tied up in that. But then when someone decides to come and take over your kingdom, it's these wizards, to be honest,

gas moines. You know, if not for the wizards. And I think that that's true about a lot of things, frankly. Uh-oh. Is you going to start making generalization? About types? Look, I'm not a wizardist, but I'm just saying...

Some of your best friends are wizards. Oh, sure, yes, absolutely. But we are in quite a pickle. I don't know how I feel about that. Oh, there is. He despondent again. Your Majesty, there's something I must ask, since you've had this power thrust upon you, I've always wanted to know.

Yes. Can a king have two desserts? Ah, ha, ha. My good friend, you've heard about dark. double dessert. What? Yes. You can double Ds?

You'd have to crack open two cows. There is a special treat a king can call upon if he thinks he's been quite good that day. He tells his cook, early in the day, mind you, to give a warning that it might be arriving, give the time. Very thoughtful. That he might call upon a pair of double Ds for later in the night. This is the first time I've wanted to be king. Oh, most people just... Can't wait.

When the end of the meal comes, if the king has been good, the double Ds are placed in front of him. And he can, if he wishes, dive his face into the double Ds, moving it back and forth. That's a weird way to eat your dessert. I wasn't the one who said double D's first. Just mind you. What? That's true, noted.

Oh, your majesty, you're... You're standing in piss, you're en-wee. Can you tell? Yes. My en-wee is getting worse and worse. Here, let's dry ourselves off. Come on over to La Forge. Oh, it's so hot over there.

So hot with all these, all this metal. Oh, it's blinding. It's blinding. It is blinding. It's a perfect place to dry off, though. Yes, good, good thinking, your majesty. Yes, many weapons have been made here, but they'll do us no good against the fog dogs.

Oh, this pile of weapons, I assume, to be melted down. This hilt looks familiar. Where have I seen this hilt before? Oh, look, I think this is the fabled singing sword. Look, this is just what we need to cheer ourselves up to get a little bit of hope about the day coming. Singing sword, would you sing us a song to raise our spirits? Oh, why? I'd be honored.

I know the perfect song. All right. Long ago in traveler's woe, a fearsome battle was fought. As they looked down at their bloody limbs, they knew they deserved what they got. This isn't helping. And a stab, stab, stab, and a pope. poke, poke, oh, the smell of death was fresh. The smell?

And a slice, slight, slice, and a... Oh, wow. Oh, what is buttering in this song. And the iron pierced their flesh. It's very accurate sound. Well, I don't feel better. And I could have done without having the smell of them. There were more verses if you want to...

Maybe not right now. It's really stuck in my head now. That's an earworm. And the iron pierced their flesh. Over and over and over. I can't get it up. And the iron pierced their flesh. Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab.

Here a stab, there a stab. Everywhere is stab, stab, stab. But your majesty, you mentioned the fog dogs? Well, yes, we're surrounded. You know there's going to be fog dogs. Rock fogs. Foxhawks. Gog Coggs.

And of course, Walton Goggins. I did hear, I heard rumors of those things as well, right? Fog dogs, rock hogs, boggogs, and... Wait, Bokhawks? I'd heard there were boxhawks, but I did not hear of Bokhawks. I heard there were hog rocks, not rock hoghongs. I heard there's foggy doggies, or maybe soggy doggies? And I heard Walton Guggins was going to be rock hard.

Well, he only carries a shield. Our only hope is that he's overexposed and, dies in the sunlight. That'd be justified. Yes. There's... herds of fog dogs have been spotted on the wind. No. So, I guess I don't understand, like, a fog...

A fog dog is like a wind, like in the... up in the wind? You don't know what a fog dog is. I don't know anything about a fog dog. Arnie, think about it. A fog dog. A fog dog. A fog dog. It's a fog dog. The most times you say it doesn't help me understand it. Well, let's just work through it.

Orney, just break down the two words. Dog? Yeah, fog. Yes. What do we know about fog? Do you know what fog is? Fog is like a cloud on the ground. Great.

Okay. Good start. Okay, let me put this cloud. I'm on. Let me shove it down on the ground. There you go. Okay, what do we know about dogs? Yeah, you know what a dog is.

We know that. Yeah. It's like a four-legged animal on the ground. Okay, let me get down on the ground next to the cloud here. So imagine a dog. Yes. Made out of fog. Okay.

And there's herds of them being controlled by wizards about to attack you. But can the fog hurt me? Like unless there are pirates inside of it? I've got a fog. I've got fog in my mind. It really is driving me crazy. Yeah. You still don't have your memories back, Arnor?

No. Of course, the fog can hurt you if it takes the form of a dog. Right. Right. In dog form, it can hurt you. Yeah, and think about how fog can get anywhere. That fog gets anywhere, and then the dog bites you. And now imagine you can't see because of it.

fog. But now imagine it's a dog. And Arnie, if it bites you, you know how like an animal bite would heal in like a week? Sure. Since it's a fog dog, it takes four weeks. Four weeks? Because it's fog? Yeah. Four weeks for a fog dog,

yeah. Yeah, fog bit you. It would take four weeks, but it's dog. It's fog years. Okay, you don't know about fog years? Wait, no, what are fog years? It's like our years, but longer. I see. Okay, so fog dogs, I get it, I guess. But Rock hogs, is that just like a statue of a hog?

Oh, come on. Here we go. You know what a rock is? Let's bring it out. Oh, yes. I do know what a rock is. Okay, you know what a hog is. I know what a hog is.

Well, I guess I don't know exactly what kind of pig it is. I guess I'm assuming it's like a bigger pig. Fearsome. A fearsome big pig. With tusks. That's not a statue. Why would it be statue? Those would be statue hogs.

These are rock hogs. Your Majesty, you mentioned big pigs. Will there be any big pigs in the mix? I mean, I don't know, possibly. Yes, there could be big pigs, but I'm talking about rock hogs. So a statue can't move, right? Mm-hmm. You wouldn't be afraid of a statue moving, unlike a rock, which could move.

This is terrible. This is terrible news that you've heard all these things, because I heard that there were going to be big kicks, shitlicks, big pigs, rig digs, and banana figs. All coming from the wizards. Some of those sound delicious. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

That's how they celebrate with their banana figs at the end. You think that it's something good. But that means they've just torn off your head and shit down your neck. Yes, if you see a banana fig, that's what that means. It's going to tear off my head? Yeah, yes. That's usually the way people find out. They don't know, and then they find out that that...

That's the method of notification. You don't have to worry about any of this, Arnie Neckham. I will stand between you and the fate of death. Thank you, Arnor. What about this whole city? I'm, look, I'm a very selfish person. I care about myself, but there are thousands of people in Northeastia. We can't, how are they going to fare against the shitlickers and the banana figs and the boxhawks?

Not well. This is a dire situation. The king is right. Oh, singing sword, please sing us a better song that will cheer our low spirits. Not about smells this time. Oh, I know just the song. All right. Oh, there was a warrior strong and brave.

Okay. On a mighty steed she rode. But she was riding to her grave. Okay. As down her friends were mowed. And they laid in the grass as they bled out together. And her horse bled out and died too. Oh.

Stop. Stop. No more. Yeah. That wasn't really. The cadence of it seemed upbeat, but it still was a very sad song. Wow, would you believe the warrior was a mother? Interesting, because I felt like a lot of you were shocked by that.

I think it's interesting that you assumed she was a mother simply because she was a woman. Okay, okay, we get sit in here and throw rocks. I don't think that detail was in there. Yeah. Arno, you really seemed to dig that one, though. Oh, I really, yeah, yeah. Well, I was also still bopping to stab, stab, stab, stab. Stab, stab, you know.

It's a good one. And also, I noticed another hilt in the pile of swords. Man, there's a lot of swords here. Is it guilty of the turtles? This one in particular seems to whisper to me, as though it knows me. No, he's got nuts. Oh, wait. No, he's not crazy.

Otto, don't reach for that blade. Oh, wait, is that Arnold's sword that will bring back his memories? I must. I need you to protect my dear friend, on knee knee camp Oh the light He's getting him stronger I'm looking at the floor

By the power of big stick I am Arnor He's a big stick right You can tell he loves being Arnor because he stiggles a little bit halfway through I have my memories back

I remember I remember the three-headed Cur of the caves of none I remember in exacting detail what was done to me by the buzzards of scur I remember the viathan of the Tharasan Sea And I remember Or knee-kamp

Ah damn Arnor Arnor Sorry when there's that bright light And you kind of got your memories back Your clothes blue clean off I don't know if you want to Oh yeah, well, I'm a guy who can pull off his clothes, I'm told.

That's true. Yeah, so here it is. Here it is. My clothes are pulled off. It's giant. The sword. Yes. My sword.

Big stick. I kind of can't stop looking at it. Look at that guy's big stick. It's huge. And it's uncut. I mean, he hasn't cut anyone yet, right? We should take a quick break and just check this thing out. When someone hasn't cut someone, we say they're uncut, right?

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Can I ask you something? Just a second. How can you tell he's upset? Well, I mean, his eyes are just so big and his muscles are bulging more than usual and his kind of like eyebrows. Do you not recognize emotions and faces? No, I'm just fascinated when someone can pin the emotion just by looking.

Go ahead, go ahead. You pulled the wool over my eyes, a clever trick. Arnie Nee-Kamp. I remember everything. Now I must interject myself here, and I will say this to you, Arnold. Yes, Arnold did make some mistakes. But did we not still save you from Pizza Hell? Are you not here right before us now because of actions that the three of us took on your behalf?

It is the only thing that keeps me from striking you down here in this place, Arnie Necamp. I will stay with a mortal weakness until I defeat the one who slew me. I should strike you down to regain my full power, and yet I will endure this, this weakness among my strength. This my pyrrolis elbow shall I bear. From here on forward until the day you die. which is probably tomorrow Yeah, it's gonna be tomorrow Yeah, that's a good point

Or even just early You know, later on tonight, possibly How do we know exactly when the attack has begun Do you have any kind of like warning system in the city? Oh, you'll hear the godcoggs Yeah, the godcogs are gonna be loud You'll hear the godcogs, that's not gonna be quiet Will I know that it's godcogs that I'm hearing?

Oh yeah You'll probably smell the shit lickers too I mean that's probably what she's talking about in the song when she says, battle, smells so bad. Yeah. Don't worry, Arnie Neacamp. When your head is cut off, I will feed you a banana fig. Well, that's nice at least.

You can't taste it. Something to look forward to, though. If you're going to get your head cut off. Gassimuinus. Yes, what is it? I've asked you before. But if there was ever an hour, when it is most needed, I must have wizard come.

I know your majesty. I know you want the wizards to come here, but I... There is a secret spell called wizard come. Yes. I must have it. Arnold, Arnie. Yeah. Guys, I've been a lot of different creatures.

I've shifted a lot. I can tell what someone's feeling just by looking at their face. Tom Blaine once come. Do you see the way his eyes are sort of like half-closed? Oh, yeah. I guess so. I don't love that every time you see someone with their eyes have closed, you're like, they want come. Maybe he's a little sleepy.

You're right. You're right. It's dumb. I'm sorry. It's dumb. I'm a little sleepy, but I'm desperate for Wizard Come. I'm sorry, Your Majesty. I cannot fulfill this wish. Oh, I wish that I could. Oh, I wish I had what it took. I wish I was one of those rock hogs who could give you what you needed right now. What about a cup of semen? Well, we could go down to the wharf and probably get a couple of scyman. A couple semen, yeah.

No, no, no, no. A cup of seaming. Don't you know, a cup wherein you can conjure what wizard's doing, and then you can observe it? Oh, oh, sure. We can observe them, of course. Guys, they're talking about a conjure visit. Do you know what a conjure visit is? Uh, we, no.

No. Can you conjure a visit of when Spintax, to see what he's doing and where he is? Very well. But we'll need all our friends to take. gather around here, friends, look into this cup with us. What are you looking at in this cup? Do we call one another friends? Is that what we are here? Arnor, no matter how you may feel about me, you have done food so much good. I shall always think of you as friend. And you, I guess moines. And Arnor, I consider you a friend and

I'm comfortable with the fact that at times many of my friends hate me. It's okay. I can live with that. And you, King Beloroff. Yes. Queen Titania was my mother. As much as she was yours. You're confused. Queen Titania was my mother. Queen Titania was my mother. I'm suddenly hungry for double desserts.

Queen Titania's been mother to many people. That doesn't necessarily mean she was necessarily a warrior or anything. Well, think about your sister, Trachia Aurelia. Well, I know that. Well, yes, but it is true. Here, it is time that

know the truth. You and Arnor are half-brothers through your mother. How dare you make me a lieutenant commander? And give me such a low rank when your blood courses through my veins as well.

Would you like to be a colonel? That's a really small, that's small, right? I don't want to be, I don't want a little colonel. No, bigger, bigger. What's about, you can't be general because I've got a general. Well, Look, you guys aren't going to work this all out tonight.

Even though we're probably going to die, maybe you should just book a little time with the counselor, Deanna Troy. Counselor Troy? Yes. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. That's a good idea. Okay, everyone, fingers on the table.

Ten forward. Now stare into the cup. Stare into the cup. Stare into the cup. Aerath, truth, collo. Orah, let us see Spintax as he plans his attack. Dirocolo Tinkala. Here, perhaps, whether he's in a burlap or cotton sack,

or whether he is robed in fine satin and silk, let us know of Spintax and his wizard ilk. Glass is turning green. There. Smells salty. The shape of a wizard. It forms. Keep your fingers on the table.

Keep your fingers on the table. forward. It sort of looks like he's reading a piece of paper that says Walton Goggins is not available. Well, can you imagine the fallout from that absence? That's one thing in our favor so far. This is good intel we've gathered so far. But what have the Goggogs? What have the shit-kickers? What have the rock hogs and the boxhawks? It does look like there's a giant army of really fucked up shit behind him. Oh, yes. I can take them. I can strike them down

And I will I won't let anything take you out But me, Arnie Neacamp Oh that's good news Yeah, I think that He's gonna kill everything that's threatening you I will slay your enemies That I might have the privilege myself

Of ripping your head from your body Arnie, that's it That's how we save Foon We put you out In front of the gates and then Arno, as the hordes come down upon you, Arno will fight them all off for the right to kill you in the end. So great is my hate for you, Arnie Neacamp,

that I would destroy all of food that you might be the last living creature for me to demolish. Well, I'm feeling less despondent. Why can't we just send him out? Why do I even have to be involved at all? Well, because he's motivated by you. Do you get that? I get it.

Arne, maybe you, you're Usador and Tombly. maybe you guys go out and fight for a little bit, right? Maybe he starts to get overwhelmed. Then, out of nowhere, drops Arnor with me on his side, and maybe like a tree or something, like a guy made out of wood or something. The crowd goes nuts. Which crowd is this?

I've assumed people are going to gather to watch the fight. Yeah, war crowd? I mean, people are probably going nuts because the whole city's being attacked. They're probably running and screaming. Well, right now I have the cock ticklers outside practicing peas and carrots. Oh, damn it. You gotta see that.

Well, it's just a great way to sort of generate excitement before the attack. Relieves the tension a little bit. Look, Arnor, you can hate me as much as you want. Maybe this isn't the right time to remind you. I do have a spell on me that no one named Arney or Arnor can kill me. So I might die today, but it's not going to be from you. Oh, why do you do that? Why would you say?

I promise you this. I will murder all of your hands. enemies, and I will legally change my name to Bobby, and then I will return and slay you. That would work. Bobby the Warrior? I mean, honestly, he can pull off anything. And he knows the king, their brothers, so he could do it like in an instant. He'd get through the system real fast.

It wouldn't be hard to change his name at all. Be easy. I'd have to honor it. It's legal. Cut right through the red tape. Bobby. Arnie, honey, listen to me. Yeah.

I think we may have a slim chance here. If we unleash honor upon the hordes that Spintax has waiting at the gates, there is a chance that motivated by his hatred for you, he will destroy many of them. And I'll kill a bunch, too. Don't worry. I'm going to do my part. Yeah. Chunt's got his warhammer. I've got the Ruby of Galazil. He can do this. Look, and honestly, if it means he saves all of Northeistia and he kills me at the end, I don't love it, but it's better than the old.

alternative. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Chunt. Yes, your majesty. Just come here. So, um, how are you? I mean, I'm a little sad, but otherwise I'm fine.

How are you, sir? Yeah, good, good, good, good. I just felt like we, you know, you and I hadn't really, they're whispering and sorry. Yeah, I didn't get a chance to, yeah, yeah. Yeah, nothing, like major, plot-wise, just kind of like, how are you? Yeah, just, yeah, just quick little catch up.

You look, I mean, you look, right. Singing sword, come here. Listen. I'm about to go to the gates, and I'm about to fight the greatest battle of my life. Please, sing me some inspiration. I can't get stab, stab, stab out of my head. Inspire me to great feats, I beg you. We are standing at the gate, my friend.

My brother, my sister, my mate. We are standing at the gates, my friend. And today is our death date. Oh, damn. It's the day we die that much is sure. There is no chance we survive. It is absolutely certain that we will no longer be. Never be alive.

Yeah, it's like the Beastie Boys. I'm going to concentrate on stab, stab, stab, I think. Yeah, we're going to stab, stab, step, step, da-da-da-da-da-da. That noise. That noise on the distance. Is that the Gog Cogs? Oh, no. The hour of our doom arrives.

My friends. My enemies. Okay, that's me. I bid you farewell. This is where I leave. you and this is where I embrace my destiny. When we meet on the other side of the battle, we will embrace or we will fight. You will see me as Arnor or you will know me as Bobby.

Oh shit. Farewell, my friends. And now, into the fray goes Arnor, here with zeal to bid his enemies. Keep it real. Out the window He just jumped out the window He's using his cape Oh my God

He really is the greatest warrior An olive phone When he said Zeal You knew he was setting himself up for something I didn't think so Same seemed natural He has the right idea though Too long have I tarried here

With melancholy kings and men from other worlds Tis time that Yusador Faced this issue That he has brought forth with I am the architect of this disaster, and I shall be its destroyer as well. I will crush it. It is true.

I am will crusher. Let them die at mine hands. He jumped out the window, too. That didn't rhyme at all. Guys, look, look, Arnor's still falling. Remember how many stairs we went up? Yes, yes. Look, Chant, we're going to take the stairs out of here.

Tom Blaine. Well, know this. You shall not. face these enemies alone. You shall have a noble king on this chair. Oh, here. So you're gonna you're gonna stay here.

That's what you're saying. Yeah, I would stay here on the king's chair. Okay. Oh, he's sitting on the throne, his eyes are half closed, Arnie. Still being a little bit. So sleepy. Nothing matters. Look, chunt. We are, look, yeah.

There's no arguing this. We're the weakest here. We're probably going to be the first to die. Oh, don't talk about my friend that way. No, I'm talking about you, though. You are the weakest ones. Goodbye. Look, I'm going to do this. I'm going to set this up on my computer.

Look, we're going to end the episode here, but it's going to keep recording. So if we die in the next like 15 to 20 minutes, it's still going to auto-upload an episode next week. It might just be us dying immediately, but at least there will still be a season finale, which I'm sure is the top thing on your mind right now, buddy. Yeah. Yeah, I guess, yeah, yeah, there'll be a, season finale for sure listen arnie

things get bad um I want you to pick me up and I want you to throw me toss me toss me at one of the others oh add an enemy yeah what not in general

I don't know why'd you just pick me up you just picked me up by the neck so many people went out the window already buddy I'm sorry we haven't checked I'm sorry I haven't really caught up we haven't really checked in I know how are you doing we've been separated for a while

I know this battle has already started outside Yeah, I can hear the fog. Arnor and Usador are probably already dead. Yeah. Oh, I looked out the window, they're still falling. Wow, we are up high. There's two horses underneath, and they're kind of like, I think they're going to move out of the way. It looks like they don't want that falling out.

Yeah, absolutely. Look, chunt, buddy, I love you. I love you. Look, if we can't save Northeasteria, if everything is doomed, all we can do is try to save as many people for as long as we can. Big hug? Yeah, this is a hug I wanted most this episode. Don't tell you, Sidor, I said that. Do not tell Usador I said that.

I won't. I want to. Love you, love you too. Out the window! What, fuck! I'm going down the stairs. See you later, Todd. Oh, goodbye.

So remember, if next week is just 45 minutes of crowd ambience and the distant sounds of people dying, well, that just means dreams do come true. Usadol the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rify. Arnor the Warrior was played by Blaine Swen. Blaine is the creator and director of Glenn Garney, Glenn, Give Us an Occupation.

The Improvised David Mammon Experience, loaded with the adult language your family has been craving. Their new show, Speed the Improvise Plow, opens November 2028 in... Wait, all of that is wrong. Blaine created and directs the Improvise Shakespeare Company. Check out Improvise Shakesheper Company. Shakespeare.com to see when they're performing near you.

King Tom Blaine Bellaroth was played by Steve Walteen. Steve is a Peabody Award-winning writer. Still leading with that? We get it. For the late show with Stephen Colbert, which is leaving the airways in a few short weeks. But at least the trains are running on time. The singing sword was played by special guest Erica Elam.

There are just a few open slots left in Erica's bespoke day-long workshop. Listening is optional. How to strike off on your. own in improv shows and free yourself from the shackles of other people's initiations. To register, just pull Erica aside on the street. She loves, dare I say, craves the attention. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Ruffai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Marissa Ewing Moody. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBann. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Gus Muenius! There are two horses below us, but they seem to be moving away. Yes, they don't want our great.

They don't, wait, they don't want this. I'm going to conjure a cloud. for us to land on. If you may get to the bottom of the steps, you can climb up on the cloud. Thank you, Gassmuenus. Ah! Oh!

Arnie, you caught me. We got down at the same time. You fall so slow. You took the stairs so fast. I fell mostly down the stairs, if I'm being honest. I hoped no one would notice. Thanks for catching me, buddy. I thought for sure I was going to splice.

It was an accident. but I still mean it.