Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 6, Ep 1 - Ashen Advisor (w/ Robbie Daymond)

Episode Date: August 17, 2026

We're back for a new season! Arnie is now King of the Northeast and is visited by Lord Draeven of House Dreadmoor, his new Ashen Advisor.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungLord Draeven Dreadmoor: Robbie DaymondMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People of Earth. Once upon a time, there was a podcast based on the fake premise that there are alternate dimensions where people can stumble into other worlds and meet wonderful and fantastical creatures. And despite its flawed and scientifically lazy foundation, it was very well received and garnered praise both near and far. And then five more seasons happened. So now we're trying to make a delicious breakfast from the two remaining ingredients in the pantry. you hear what I'm saying?

But chug along we shall. Hell, at this point, we're nourished by one-star reviews in the iTunes store. Keep them coming, and sit back and enjoy the show. Introducing His Majesty, King Arnie. Sit, sit here. Thank you very much, thank you. Can we get my microphone set up by the throne? Okay.

Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of foon. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. Some of you may know me now is King Arnie. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Over 11 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional Rift, and I've used that to upload a podcast recorded in many taverns throughout the land of Fune.

More recently, I've sort of accidentally become the king of the northeast, but I promise I'm going to do my best. And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, my good bud. I'm so proud of him because he is now head of the king's guard. Chump the Talking Badger! Oh, yes, my liege. My, um, my Chunt, you don't need that. Arnini King, all hail, Arnini King.

Well, thank you. Thank you, Chunt. But you're not your liege. I don't even know. what liege is. You're my liege, right? We're co-leges. Don't, you want to say that. Every single time I come in here, I don't know what to call you. Well, you know what? It's okay. You can call me King, if you must, but also you can call me, Arnie. I'm not going to, like, behead you or anything like that. I'm still the same guy. I put my

pants on, one leg at a time, just like I did before. I'll have that fixed right away. Come here. Servitz, come here. From now on, the king will put on his pants two legs at a time. Wink Arnie. Yes, sir. I'll create a contraption that will lift the king up and put him down into his pants, two legs at a time. Very good, Dr. Pants. Artie, I don't think that's nice. We've got to learn the servants' names.

We'll work on that. Also, you know what, we got to have a little bit more. Like, it's so stuffy in here. Can we, let's get the room set up for a feast? Can we get, like, the feast tables in here? Hey, can some of the servants come in and move some of the tables? tables and, okay, this is good. This is going to be better. We'll get everybody in the place drinks. Should I do the pants things first? No. The pants thing is for later. Right now, just help us with the tables.

And, uh, chunt, should I be tipping? Should I be tipping for this? Like, already, I am so sorry. This guy is lingering like a motherfucker. I, I, I, I don't have the balls to tell him to kind of like, go away. I don't. Can you, do you mind telling him? I think he just doesn't want to move a table. That's, I mean, and honestly, I don't blame him. Oh, and look at some of these servants are carrying, like, four chairs at a time to show how strong they are. Yeah. We got some strong servants.

Okay, oh, I am also joined by my other co-host, Eusidor the wizard. I am Eusador, Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow. Manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Turacas.

The elves, no me is fearing elyak. The dwarves know me is zoned in, Huk Stenghis, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gassimwenius Maystar, and now I am known as first quarter-appointed wizard of the king, King Harni the First. All right, good to see you, Ucadr, although I should point out. Servants, move those tables immediately. Yusador, do you know any of that we've got to learn these servants' names? We can't just, like, broadly be calling them servants.

Rick, Tommy, Jeremy, move the table. There's always going to be a Rick, Tommy, and Jeremy in a group. No, that's one servant. Oh, Rick Tommy Jeremy? Rick Tommy Jeremy. Is that the one that was carrying the four chairs? Yes, Rick Tommy Jeremy, the power of three names allows him to lift four chairs. The conversion table is the power of three names is four chairs?

Ronnie, I've been saying this for 11 years, but names hold great to power. Which is why I have so many amazing titles. Like my new title, first quarter-appointed wizard of the king, King Anni the First. You sort of to be clear. You appointed yourself. You're self-appointed. First, self-appointed court. Well, I was court-ordered, technically.

Oh. I didn't appoint myself. I got a subpoena, and I had to go to court. Is that why you have that ankle tiara? Right. That's right. I can't leave right now. Did you guys feel that cold gust of wind?

Did somebody leave a door open? It's almost in my bones. Oh, who's this mysterious figure? Oh, my lord, I'm sorry. Please accept my forgiveness. I couldn't approve of hear your conversation. You didn't bother yourself with the names of the service, my lord. Oh.

My king, I'm sorry, let me get this pervert out of here. Clearly... Pervert! No, no, no, no. Chunt, chunt, chunt. This is one of the high members of the house Dreadmore. How dare you speak to him in such a way? Oh, my goddesses.

No, no. it's all right. Anything for the king, if you oughtn't mean to be a pervert, I shall. Oh. I've heard that before. Well, sir, how should I... What is your title? What is your name?

I am but a humble servant of the king, but you may call me Lord Draven Dreadmore, known as the king's ashan advisor. Oh, okay. Arnie, you still haven't had it. You just got out of king's school. You're just meeting all your advisors still. This is, of course, one of your Ashen advisors.

They didn't tell you that I was coming, no one gave you sort of like a post-it note. Maybe someone did, and I just... I've got so much stuff going on in my head right now as a new king. Have you been reading your post-it notes? They're all over your throne. I brought some post-it notes from my world, and I'm running out.

But, yes, let's see. Ever prepared, my lord, ever-prepared. Let's see. Let me read one of my post-it notes. They're not always that helpful. This one just says double boys night, do that on Patreon. I don't know what that means. Ooh, and this one says this year we all get girlfriends.

Oh, all right. Okay. But I'm so sorry. I didn't know that you're coming, but you're part of my royal court? Oh, yes, my lord. For generations, centuries untold, House Dreadmore has advised the kings and matters most peculiar and important. And I am here at your bed. and your will.

Whatever you desire I shall provide. This guy's good. Wow, you are genuflecting so low to the ground. Like I'm impressed, like your nose is grazing the floor. Yes, yes, I must stay flexible for his majesty. Lord Draven, please rise. I beseech you on behalf of the king. Arnie's doing things a little differently now.

You may be more accustomed to the Belarus and their more traditional way of being royal. Arnie's sort of like your cool uncle who became a king. Step back, step back, my lord. A wizard, a wizard approach of thee. Who is this man? No, no, no. I am the first court-appointed wizard of the king, King Arnie I am Eustod.

Lord Draven, that is a great instinct, because you know I need to be protected from all wizards. This is one of the few good wizards. Probably, but still I would keep an eye on him. Come on. All right. Yes, Your Majesty, I'm picking up what you're putting down. Oh, thank you. Yes.

And Lord Traven, can I say you're wearing such finery, but it's also a little, it's a little damp? Like, are you okay like your clothes is a little damp? I prefer to be moist in most situations. I see. I see. There's a distinct smell. I'm not sure I could place exactly what that smell is that's coming off of you. Sort of like you walked out of a swamp.

Well, it's more of a musk. It's a family scent. My dad used to wear it, and I never really shopped around for anything different. I hope it's okay. Forgive me again for calling out something about your appearance, but is one of your eyes a ruby? Yes, you noticed. Wow. Yes, it allows me to see into the souls of the king's most close confidants. Oh, wait, you could see into chunt's soul. Oh, what's a chunt? Oh, this is chunt. This little, this is adorable little badgy. Hello. He's one of my best buds.

And he is also the head of the Kingsguard. Can you talk? Um, Arnie, can I talk? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry, are you saying, can I talk or may I talk? Yeah, I can talk. Are you physically capable of talking? You're a goddamn badger. Oh, is he physically capable of shutting up, am I right?

Hey, come on. My lord. You are so funny. Oh, Lord, Draven. love you laugh the right amount. Your Majesty, if I haven't been laughing at your jokes enough, please just let me know and I'll laugh even more. Oh, you, Sador, it's all right.

No, I'm happy to laugh more. Also, may I request that we have permission to speak freely without having to ask you every time before we speak? Especially when we're recording the podcast. And, oh, Lord Draven, I should let you know ethically we are being recorded this whole time. Hmm, our voices are being magically captured and sent to another world. and then, like, monetized, but lightly, lightly monetized. Oh, can I roll back the part about me being a pervert if you want me to?

Is that all right? I'm sorry, that's probably already a ringtone on my world. I'm so sorry about that. Yes, Your Majesty. How many perverts do you need? Concubines, we'll get to whatever you need. I don't need any perverts. My Lord, we can provide the perverts.

If you need them, I'll get them. I'll fetch them. Perverts? Oh, no. Oh, Dr. Pan. No, not you. I heard you needed a pervert. I was working on that pant machine.

I guess perver and as perv. I knew it. I knew when I saw you. I hate to do this so early in the season, but do we need a t-shirt that says, do you need a pervert? I've been working on that pant machine. Yes, this sounds like really high-end merch,

Your Majesty. Everyone will want to wear the I need a pervert shirt. Um, may I ask one more time about the badger? Is this some sort of polymorph situation? Is this, uh, human man inside of a badger, not in a pervert way? You know what I mean. Poly, yes, morph no more. Um, used to be a shapeshifter now.

Um, full-time badger. But you're Polly. You have like a couple... He's very sex positive. That's great. I'm happy. I've been reading the books. I know what's up. But Chunt sadly lost his shape-shifting abilities during the war with the wizards. So he's now a badger, but he was usually a badger.

So, Chunt, how are you feeling about that? I was a little down in the dumps, but since Arnie made me, the head of the King's Yard, I'm feeling a sense of purpose and pride. And I do want to come clean. Lord Draven is correct. I've started writing some books. They're called polymorphs. It's a group of adults

who slowly morph into being poly over the course of a few years. I've been drawing the covers and they are uncanny. A little upsetting sometimes. It starts with like an adult. And then a little bit further down, it's like an adult with like scratching his chin.

And then the third one is like an adult with his arm around a guy. And then the fourth one is like, It's like his arm around a guy and a gal, right? Does that make sense? Yeah. Do I have to start with the first book, like, if I really want to get to the interesting Polly stuff? Lord Draven, what do you think?

You're a reader at some? No, no, the first one's more of like an exploratory understanding of relationships in general. Really the best one is the second book once he's got the other girl over his arm. I can't tell you're a badger, but I assume this is some sort of midlife crisis thing. Absolutely, always, everything. Yeah. Well, best of luck in your journey. Thank you.

can I advise you on? Oh gosh, Lord Draven, look, don't hold back, because I'm sure I need help. I'm sure I'm doing lots of things wrong. I don't know what I don't know. Just like, looking around the court, uh, like, do you have

any tips or tricks for me, things? Or no-noes? You're like, uh-oh, don't know, don't be doing that. Well, yes, my lord. May I have you for a moment in private? Sure, yeah. Chunt, you said, or I'm sure this will be fine. Let's go move some chairs, I guess. Oh, fine.

Your friends betray you, my lord. What? They want to pull you into their polly ways. I can see it in their eyes. The filthy wizard, the tiny badger. They want you to be metamores with a guy you're not really cool with, and you're like, I gotta do it if I'm gonna be trendy, but then in the end, it's really not about you.

It's about them. My lord, listen to me, you can only trust me. I will guide you down the path to heteronormative monogamy that you desire. Wow. Lord Draven, you really see me. I mean, Usador is kind of filthy. And if I'm being honest, for like 11 years, China's been trying to pull me into some Polly stuff. Yeah, it's the eye. I can see it in the eye. Also just his vibe in general. Thank you, my lord. We shall give away free food for the peasants. Please fold your friends back into the circle. Okay, thank you, Lord Draven. Guys, Usador, Chunt, Lord Draven, he's the best. He is now part of the fore. What? He is like in the inner circle.

My Lord. Part of the four, so we're getting rid of Dr. Pants? We're definitely getting rid of Dr. Pants. Not killing him. Oh, I almost killed him. As soon as you said that, I was just going to shoot a fireball right at him. You don't want him dead? I don't want him dead.

I don't want our first recurring character of the season to be killed immediately. That's something that happens when Chun introduces a character. I think you'll be pressing your luck to call Dr. Pants, a recurring character. We'll see. Well, let's take a quick break and I will have a, I guess, a seat at the table made for Lord Draven, one of the new four. Everwise, my lord. All right, all four of us sit here at the table, new buds, ready to rule this kingdom. And also, I've got to say, and I know I've said this before, and I'm going to reiterate it, I am just an interim king.

Like, my plan isn't to rule this kingdom forever. Look, on my world, we have an expression. I'm here for a good time, not a long time. So think of me as like, I'm here to be a good king, not a long king. What's a long king, your majesty? Like a king for a long time? Like a long king. Oh, okay, I see.

I'm here to be a good king, not a long king. Not a long reign. Okay, yeah, yeah, we got it. But your majesty, oh, of course we want your reign to near end. If you could live for all the rest of the days, you being the very important. embodiment of the goddesses on foon. May your reign ne'erend. I'm not saying I want to die.

I'm just saying I'm a transitional figure that's going to help this kingdom until we get like a better king that can like long-term fix things around here. Your Majesty, there could not be a better king. Same. I'm sorry. Chunt and also my best bud, Lord Draven, can you excuse me just a moment when I talk to you, see it? Yes. Yes, we definitely will be listening.

Your Majesty, would you like me to set someone a flame? Usador. Usador. Yes. I would like you to go, fuck yourself. Buddy, what's going on? Come on, man, it's me. We're best buds for a long time.

Yes, Your Majesty, I'll go fuck myself. No, no, I'm so sorry. Don't make me only use very literal language. I'm not good at that. Well, you seem to be upset with me, yet all I am doing is every whim that you mentioned. I am following through with. Isn't that my job as your best friend and key advisor? Someone who could take the place of both Chunt and Lord Draven when you think about it?

Well, I don't know about that. No, look, you, Sidor, there's always going to be a place for you by my side. You're one of my first and best friends in all of Foon. But, you know, I need you to be my friend. Of course, Your Majesty. Okay. All right. Well, we'll revisit this.

We'll revisit this later. Let's rejoin the table. Arnie, my king, while Lord Draven and I noticed you from across the dining room and we liked your vibe. Yes, yes. We think you're a very vibe, king. The wizard tries to ingratiate himself to you for his own foolish purposes.

Wow, you get right up in my ear. Yes, are you comfortable with that on a scale of one to ten? I mean, normally I would say I'm not, but there's something about, I feel like it's making like the back of my head tingle. Yeah, it's, it's the, it's the swamp. It's the swamp stuff.

I really don't know what's in it. I don't know what's in it. I just smells the way it smells. Sure. Chet. Ah, wow. I was just talking to King Harnie. Yes.

And I got an idea for a new cover. A man hunches over and then sort of turns into a giant ant. And then that ant is wearing a robe, but the robe is open so you can see everything. Fuck, yes. Also, this is making the back of my head tingle, which brings me an idea pounded in the butt by my own Polyborf book. Is that something?

You could just chuck that idea in the bin. Lord Draven, I'm so interested, do you mind if I ask you some questions about yourself and House Dreadmore? Oh, is this part of that podcast thing? Yeah, sounds good. I'm okay with them. I'm comfortable with that.

So you're an Ashen advisor. Have you always aspired to be an Ashton advisor? Oh, well, no one's ever really asked me. It's more of a family business. I guess if I had my druthers, I feel like I would like to pursue something a little bit more hands-on, you know? My family has a history of natural magic and a touch of necromancy. But I'm doing my best to fulfill my role as Ashton Advisor.

I'm doing great for you. Great. Yeah. What is it like? I haven't visited House Dreadmore. What's the vibe like over there? It is a dark and terrible place, rife with strange scents and wild machinations. But pretty much normal, like anything west of the river, it's going to have its ups and downs. Property values, pretty good. Oh, yeah. Once you get west of the river, you know, it's a little hit and miss, but it's still nice over there. What the fuck do you know, wizard?

What? You've been to Dreadmore? Huh? Oh, I have traveled all over this land. I know of House Dreadmore, House Fresh Grave, House Ragoon, House Wickedy-Wonk. I know all the great houses of Northeast. Oh, maybe he is a real one. Don't trust him, my lord.

Sorry, I'm just writing these down. You know what, Lord Traven and Eustero, can you excuse me a second? I need to talk to Chunt, the head of the King's Guard. Of course, Your Majesty. I shall turn myself and turn myself into the case. a falcon and circle around the peripets looking for danger. Oh, he hit his head so hard on the chandelier. Oh, my God, this is.

Oh, my God. Chun, chun, I need you to kind of help me out here. I'm really digging Lord Draven and what he's bringing to the table. But am I crazy? Is he giving off like just a little bit of an evil vibe? And are you open to honest feedback? Yeah, of course, always. Unless it hurts too much.

Like, is this going to be about my face? No, no, no. Well, sort of. Here's the thing. I've tried to be there for you. I'm trying to hear what you just said. I can't stop thinking about. I saw him put his tug in your ear. That's something I asked for years ago. And it just feels like he walked right in and got it. It just seemed part of like what he was talking about. It was just sort of how he talks a little bit. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, he's good. And I'll say that. He's good. He gives a weird energy. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to feel like I'm just biased against people that are really moist. but that might just be part of it for me. Yeah. I did see he had sort of, I guess, like a rooster's talon. One of his hands is like a rooster talon or something. I didn't even notice that.

I'm so focused in on that ruby eye. Yeah, it's pretty prominent. Oh, Arnie, if this helps, sort of, not that I'm vying for my job to keep it or anything, if this helps, I do know that House Coffee Knockers, they sent a message saying that their daughter, Gwenadryl is looking to marry. They're looking to consolidate powers.

So if that's something you're interested in, is Gwenadryl the one that you shouldn't drink with or you're in danger or like drive a machine? I honestly, I can't keep them straight. I can ask if you want me to. I can inquire. Okay, well, thank you so much, Chut. All right, let's get back to the table

before people get suspicious. Of course, of course. What the fuck are you laughing at, Wizard, man? Oh, I thought we were laughing. I was laughing. Sorry. Don't trust him, my lord. I don't. I really don't. Lord Draven, do you have any advice on advisors?

Yes, my lord. There are so many qualified advisors, yet I am the best of them, if I'm being honest, which I am. Okay, great. I guess I don't know how Ashen advisors work. Like, do you need a place, like in the castle? No, my lord. Any crack or crevice or gully will do, fine. And I enjoy being moist. I'll just slip my way on in there. Okay. I still could get you a room. I mean, there are lots of rooms.

Is it wet? Is it a wet room? There are lots of wet rooms, yeah. All right. We want breastfeeding mothers to have a place to go to stay private. So you shouldn't stay in those wet rooms. Yeah. You know what?

Here's the thing. Why don't we get a room in the wet wing, which is, canonically, I've just decided a part of the castle, the wet wing. A lot of walking over there, though. A lot of walking and talking.

My king, can I please move my quarters to the wet wing? Your Majesty, why don't we put your new advisor to attest? You have all these post-it notes, all sorts of requests coming in from people all over the land. Here, this poster note here, the very first one I picked up, just says floods. What are we going to do about the floods? You're so smart, Lord Draven. Yes, the floods, of course. Your Majesty, if I take away my...

own personal preferences for being wet. They say that in general floods are a bad thing, so I might suggest making the floods stop. Oh. Damn, that's good. Arnie, Lord Draven, do you guys mind

just stepping away for a second? Sure. Right, but I could give you bay, if you will. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse us, my lord. You start, we gotta do something about this Lord Draven. I was trying to test it. him to see if he could come up with answers, but then he really, like, aced that flood thing.

He was like, stop the floods. I was like, oh, I should have. Why didn't I think of that? That's what I'm saying is, like, I feel like at first I was like, clearly evil, clearly trying to drive a wedge between us and Arnie. But then he started talking about, like, you know, the cracks and crevices and the moist, and the wet, and it feels like, fuck, I really like him. And so I'm like, I think he's working on us, too.

This is dangerous. But it also really feels like he could replace both of us because he kind of serves the same purpose that we both serve? Absolutely. Hondo P, of course. That's what I'm saying. We have to get rid of this guy. We have to.

Is there some sort of spell that's like, Revealed True Nature or... Oh, I know. I'll cast Reveal True Nature. Hell. So Lord Draven, it looks like you have no feet under there. Like, are you just, like, floating around? Yes, yes, it's lovely.

Chopped off my feet years ago, replace them with the spell. Whoa. You chopped them off. Like, what? Yes, it's not. required, not part of the spell, just felt right. Sure. Did you need the feat for something else?

Do it make a different spell? Not really, just sort of tossed them in the trash. I like to commit. Unlike you, Badger. Oh. What the fuck? I commit. Just because I'm Polly, doesn't mean, I can't commit. I commit to my king, to my friendship with you, Arnie. Buddy, I love you so much. And

this year, we all get girlfriends. Not sharing girlfriends, we all get... Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. I write about it, but I'm just saying... Let me get out. I just mop my brow here, really sweating. John, you can do this. You got this job as head of the Kings Guard,

not just because you're my best buddy, but also because you're a big, tough guy who could save me if you need to, I guess. Yeah. So, wait, you're all looking for girlfriends? Am I hearing this correctly? Yes, distinct girlfriends for each of us. That makes sense. No.

We're open to it. We're open to it. I just haven't done a romantic storyline on the show. It's okay. And how long has this podcast been going on for? 30, 40 years? Right, right. 11 years. 11 years, just 11 years, just three girlfriendless dudes talking about stuff, huh?

Might be step number one. Get out of the pod cave. There's a market for that. There is a market for that. Well, I was romantically involved with Gin Levia the Red, another great wizard for a long time. Well, step number one for girlfriends, maybe stop classic. them by their physical appearance. Oh, yeah. She's a wizard, and we all have a color associated with us. You know how wizards work.

Actually, I don't. Most of the wizards around are assholes. Well, I can't disagree with that exactly, because I've turned against their kind as well. Oh, Lord Braven, you vex me to no end. And therefore, I must do as I will. Here, though, you stand before a wizard At a height of his power, fully grown, Let's thine true nature here now be shown

From your very soul, your true purpose I shall steal. And here, now let your true nature reveal! So, if you're looking for a girl, here's what you really need to do. Ask yourself, why, first. Is it for you, or is it because you want to bring love into someone else? life. Wow. Do you have love in your heart? And if you do and you're willing to share it, the girl will find her way for you. Now, I could clap my hands and say, girlfriend, come to the king. But it wouldn't. That's just a lover. That's just a servant. That's not someone that you want to

share your life with. So first, you must differentiate your need for love with the love that you have for yourself. And when you have that completed moment in your heart, then put yourself out there and until then be all right with being just you. A dumb fucking wizard. I have to stop treating potential partners like there's some sort of prize to be won

and put upon a pedestal. I must come at them honestly and really I think this guy's legit. That was like the best advice I've ever had about dating my entire life. That was incredible. That was fucking unbelievable. I wrote it down so don't worry I'm going to laminate it or put it on a post-it.

We'll pop it on the throat. I've realized that I'm usually just horny. Like the other day, I had sex with a swan with sort of like human legs, like old human legs, like they'd been... What the fuck? I don't know where she got them, but sort of like human man legs, if that makes sense. Like a swan with human man legs. That makes sense? It makes perfect sense.

But why did you do it? Well, because I was like, I'm in love. And then later I realized, I was just horny. Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. I want real love. Chant, chant, chant. Yeah, huh?

I couldn't help it over here. It's sort of my job. The, uh, the chicken claw, the rooster claw. It's kind of like a little antenna. Oh, yeah. I'm just cupped up to my ear and, uh, makes it a little easier to hear things. So, uh, can I tell you something, Chant? Oh, anything.

I'm sorry in the Lord, but I think everyone deserves a little ashen advice. It's okay to be horny. Sexual expression is natural. Yes. Yes. It's okay. It's okay. Oh, I'm healing. I needed that. Yes.

It's okay to be horny. Hortiness is next to goddessnessness. Well, it's just part of embracing your full being as both a spiritual and a physical being living in the world. Lord Draven, I've got to be honest with you. I tried to cast a spell on you to reveal your true nature, and then you laid down the coolest shit I've ever heard in my life. I have to say, I think that you're maybe the... the greatest advisor whose heir lived here in Foon. I thought you were evil, and now I don't think you're evil.

Oh, no, no, I'm totally fucking evil, like 100%. I'm just kidding, you silly goose. Where? Oh. No, no, no, chance. I thought she came back. I've never seen you that excited about anything ever before, John. Listen, listen, just because I look evil doesn't mean I have ill intent.

For instance, you were asking me about my family and our history and my king, right? Any interest still in House Dredmore? You sort of passed that. Oh, absolutely. Well, one of the things, a family hobby that we have is we find poor kittens who are ill, perhaps the runt of the litter, and we suspend them in time and space and rend their spines from their back. But then we use reconstructive magic.

to heal it and germ it back into its body. What the fuck? It gives a full and complete life. Now, I ask you, that's sad. Does that sound evil to you? It's start, I'm going to be honest, much like meeting you, it started off sounding pretty fucking evil. And then it got a lot better.

And then it got a little evil again, but then it got better. It might just be an emphasis issue. My lord, did I come off as evil when we first met? Well, you know, if I'm being honest and you sort of, You seem kind of like cool, but maybe evil. You know, but I've made this mistake before. Everyone I think is evil is good. Everyone I think is good is evil.

So I try not to make too many assumptions, but I don't know. You've never heard this before. No one's ever told you you've got an evil energy. No, not at Tows Treadmore, no. Arnie, Arnie, what? I think I solved something. He just talked about suspended animation and torturing small animals. and then what else do we know about him?

He's always moist. Serial killers, torture small animals, and they what, Arnie, they what the bed. Arnie, they what the bed. They wet the bed? Sorry, I was saying it wrong. They wet the bed. This guy is a serial killer.

He is licking a knife. He's licking all the knives. Is he trying to clean all the cutler? I just like them wet. I like everything a little moist. Well, yeah, but, Chun, it seems like it wasn't that he was murdering the cats. It just sounded really violent, but it was a way to fix the kittens. Ultimately, it benefited the cats, yes.

Oh. So I, yeah, won't you put the spine back in? It's all fine. And, oh, boy. But what a journey. I'm still on the fence. Let's take a quick break and see if it can come to any resolution when we return. Okay.

I guess this has all just been a big misunderstanding. and you're not evil at all. But, and again, I know this is very surface level, but why are you an Ashen advisor? There's just something about that that sounds evil. Yeah, we kind of clocked that early on in the position, so that's why we're so wet. Who wants to be around somebody who's ashen?

I see. You used to be real ashen, and now you're moist. 100%. You nailed it, bud. Man, you've got an answer for everything. It seems like you'd be a very good advisor. It's literally my... You know, you're going to do great at this.

All right, if you think you're such a great advisor, you think you know everything. Let's just pull another one of these post-it notes. There's a dragon that's terrorizing a small town just west of the castle town. Ooh, a math problem. Oh, I thought you're going to say there's a smaller dragon headed to the same. Neverbide. Sorry, I have to flip the post on over. There's a smaller dragon heading northeast at six miles an hour.

and another dragon flying north at four miles an hour. When will the dragons meet? Six and four with a quarter percent differential. If we're talking about a standard curvature, they'll actually meet it exactly the same time. Damn, these poster notes. Did you know the answer to that? What the fuck, an advisor who knows math?

This guy's incredible. Is that the only question? Are we not defeating the dragons? We're just kind of trying to figure out when they get to the village. Oh, yes, we should also stop the dragons, yes. Okay. You're sorry, I got something. Oh, yeah.

Pick up a post-in note here. Sort of an open-ended question. Advise this. Should this season be called the Chronicles of Arnia? Hmm. How good is the King's lawyer? Oh. I guess you sir is the King's Lawyer.

Oh, shit. Okay, I guess. Like, do we think this falls under parody law? Are we just talking about our homophone subject to copyrights? I mean, I can dive deep if you want. my rates are 8.50 an hour. That falls outside of the Ashen advisor's sort of list of services,

but I'm glad to do it for you, my lord. I'm sure you've got the coin. I mean, I guess you could let Lord Draven be your lawyer. I don't charge 8.50 an hour. That's a lot of gold, but I... But I've got this wig that when I wear when I'm a lawyer, I've got it on backwards. Hang on.

Ow! I hit my head again. Fuck, user. How did he know that our blind spots are most knowledge? Why? There's no way you... could have known. But I know what we have to do, Chunt. Your Majesty, Chant and I would like to officially resign. What? And we shall be on our way. No. And Lord Draven will be your new co-hosts and no advisor. Let go on my arm. Let go on my arm. Not me. No. Chunt has already agreed to this. Let go. And there's nothing you can do to stop. Look, we knew this day would come. And I don't feel good about it, but he's so effective at doing everything. I mean,

The only thing that any of us are better at him then is my voice is better than his voice. And, like, everything else, he could do. Luckily, there's a need for me here because my voice is so good. What are you talking about? Did you cast delusion on Arne? No. Are you under some sort of delusional spell, Your Majesty? Look, let's ask the expert, Lord Draven.

My voice is definitely better than yours, right? My lord. Such question. Hi, your majesty. Your voice is sonorous and bold, free of regional, dialectical... Listen, bro, your voice is fine. You got a great podcast.

We don't need to get into this right now, please. Oh, fuck, I didn't really notice. His mic technique is perfect. Ah, fuck. Just one second, Lord Draven. Yucidar. Junt. Lord Draven could.

take over this entire show. And look, maybe he would make the kingdom better. But then what would we be left with? Oh, no. You'll have to step down too. Then I'll have to do some weird dumb spin-off where it's us, but at a different show. I can't go back, Arnie. I can't, we've 11 years.

My lord, sorry to interrupt you. I've been making some notes. What's your sponsor situation like for this podcast? Oh, you know, dynamic ads. You know, we do some host. ones, but, you know, they're the sort of usual ones. Makes sense, makes sense. Now, I don't know podcasts in this world of ours, this beautiful, wonderful, high fantasy

word, but have you ever thought about, like, actual true testimonials? Like, you try the product, and then you do it, and they send you a sample, and therefore you don't have the cross-pollination of actual testimonial usage from your sponsors? Is there anything you need right now on this adventure? See what I can secure for you? Oh, fuck, that's a good idea. Look, I hate to do this, and this might be my first bad act as a king. Lord Draven, I'm afraid.

And I'm not sure if I'm saying this correctly. You are banished. Oh, my goddesses. No, that's not how you say it. I'm banished from the generational castle when my family has served as advisors for centuries. Oh, shit. Did I overreact a little bit?

But I got to stick to my guns or my swords. Lord Draven, you are banished. You are just too much of a threat to me and Usador and Chunt. Oh, no, no, I get it. The king's word is final. So let me make sure that I've got this right. This piece of paper has my resignation on it, and if you sign it, you are banishing me.

is that correct? I imagine you understand the legal precedent better than I do. I do. I fucking wrote it. Okay. God, he's fucking effective. He wrote his own banishment. Okay. Usador should probably look it over before you sign it.

He's going to fuck it up, honestly. I mean, even though... This is definitely written on paper. Even though he's banished it, I kind of trust Lord Draven a little bit more. I don't have my quill on me. That's the only thing. Look, I've got one right here. It's in my wet spot.

Oh, dear, this quill is so wet. Okay. I thought it would be. Your Majesty, as much as I want Lord Draven gone, I'm not certain about citing this banishing document for his eyes glowing a particularly bright red now. I fear we may churn him against us for all the rest of our days. I don't know. I think he's pretty cool.

Like, we thought he was. as evil. I think this is okay. I don't know. I'm realizing my logic is... As long as I am under your service, my lord, I shall not betray you. Now, would you like to relinquish

my service? I mean, I can see no downside to what he's suggesting. I'm just going to sign this here. I got to practice my signature. I don't have a very good signing signature yet. All right. Lord Draven, my buddy, I love you. Like a friend. Uh, but you are, you are now banished.

You are no longer a part of Castle Beloroth. Thank you so much. I am really looking forward to this. You know, I've been carrying on this stupid character for so long, and you know what I'm going to do? Now that I'm finally free, you taught me something, your kingly ship. The real dream is podcasts.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to be starting my own podcast from the very moistest, coldest corners of this cast. Damn it. Every Friday night, I'm going to be here live, taking in letters from you, and in the last 30 seconds, I've just secured four new sponsors. That's right. Thanks to the other houses of this kingdom, knowing that the Dreadmores are here for you. And you can find me on Days with Dreadmore every Wednesday night. Oh, shit. This is the worst thing that's happened since potpires. We're fucked, Artie. We're fucked. We're fucked. We can't compete with that voice.

I know. And also, hold on. You do have feet. That's right, bitch. I was hiding him the whole time. But where did that swan get... Oh, Arnie, that swan was a serial killer. You guys are totally fucked. Hey, I want to let you know I would have been the best advisor you could have ever had,

but now you're free to go have your little misadventures all on your own, because what would you have done with me at your side? You fucking dummies. Peace out! Wow. He just flew out the window. He didn't even hit his head one time. I'm still in the corner, you fucking...

Oh, fuck. Jezels. Gross. Well, guys, as we close out this first episode of the new season and as my reign as the good king, should we answer an email? I think that Lord Draven's really God now. I saw the puff of smoke after he said he was still here.

So I think we're safe to read an email, yes. Okay. So listeners, you can email us at Magic Tavern at Puppies. It's a real email address. Or even better yet, you can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and message us there. Here's an email we got. It's a question from my six-year-old.

Dear Arnie, Chunt, and Usador. First off, I know I shouldn't let my six-year-old listen to the show, but we can't unring that particular bell. That being said, my son, Miles, who would love if he heard you say his name, would like to know if Foon has ceiling fans. And if yes, are there magical ceiling fans that just hang in the air and spin? Stay safe and don't die, Kathleen Swiskey.

Hmm. Interesting. Well, Arnie, you told us a while ago what sealing fans are. We don't necessarily have those, but what we do have is a lot of birds on chandeliers who will blow very hard or as hard as you want them to. Yes, of course, we know all about ceiling fans from you, Arnie. But I personally, I prefer walls. I'm more of a fan of walls.

Walls? Yeah, because they hold everything up. up there, the structure. Sealings just sit on the top. Oh. I'm a big fan of walls. Took me a minute. Oh my god. This is. Oh, fuck. He's still here. Can you even read these things? None of you were qualified to give advice to a child. She asked you to say the kid's name. It's Miles. Miles. Miles.

Miles. Hey, Miles. There you go. Oh. Hey, Miles. Miles. Keep listening to Hello for the Magic Tavern and not. Arnie, look at the... Oh, shit. Arne, look at the podcast charts. Oh, no. Oh, my gosh. It's, it's rocketing. Whatever that is up the charts. He hasn't even dropped his first episode, and he's already beating us.

Hello from the King Arnie's dining hall? That's right. I'm in your walls, bitches. Shit, and you sure just said he loves walls, so we can't knock him down. Fuck. I do love walls. Do you say balls or walls? Yes.

Super strong ending, boys! Oh, fuck! He's right. God damn it. Fuck. Well, at least that's finish, Ed. Usadol the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adderafi.

Lord Draven of House Dreadmore was played by special guest Robbie Damon. Robbie's a busy guy. Check out Date Everything, the dating sim from Robbie's game company, Sassy Chap Games. available on Steam, Switch, PS5, and Xbox. Also, keep your ears out for Robbie in Critical Role Campaign 4, Jiu-Jitsu Kaizen's Season 4, and Devil May Cry, Season 3. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. During the break, we released a whole new season of Offices and Bosses, and last week's bonus episode included a visit from one of the runner-ups in this year's March magic bracket, Ms. Frizzle. Here's a clip. Hi.

Hi. Oh, it is a pleasure to make you a crate of you a crate. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me. What a delight. What a treat. Hello. Well, this is my friend Ani.

He's a man from another world. And this is, of course, Chant, a Talking Badger. Oh, of course. Oh, sorry. I couldn't, sorry, couldn't quite hear you. over your outfit. Oh.

Oh, thank you. Your clothes are very loud. This, I'm wearing a dress that is covered in test tubes. And you might be like, oh, images of test tubes. No, I have three-dimensional test tubes

fastened to every part of this dress. Different liquids inside. Some are dangerous. I thought I heard a crunch when Arnie hugged you. Yeah. Oh, wait. Hopefully I didn't get any little.

those dangerous chemicals on me. Don't worry about it. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Looking for ways to support the show but don't want to join the Patreon? Welcome to my world. Anything you can do to help get the word out

about the new season is greatly appreciated. Post about us on social media. Talk us up to your friends. Trick your enemies into listening to the show. When people on Reddit ask for recommendations, recommend us. Even if they're not asking for podcast, Burn some bridges. Every little bit helps. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by

Arne Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adul Ruffey. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBann. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.