Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 6, Ep 11 - Chunt for Red October 10: Dead or Elaine

Episode Date: October 26, 2026

Arnie, Chunt and Usidore hold the yearly blood drive for vampires at a new tavern.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, but it is potentially terrifying. And not for the usual inconsistent storylines, voiceover actors who refuse to learn about breath control reasons, but because it's chunt for Red October time again, our yearly Halloween episode. And if that's not scream-worthy enough, there's a Halloween sale on Magic Tavern merch at our Dashery Store from October 30th through November 1st, up to 27% off across the store, with $16 classic teas, $35 hoodies, and stickers for $2.50. That means with $4 you could get... Well, no, you could still get just one.

What a terrible example I've chosen. There's no code needed. Discounts will automatically apply across the whole store. Link to our dashery store in the show notes. Click it, if you dare. Now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food.

I'm your host, recently king of the northeast, King Arnie, but you know what? I'm not in the throne room right now, so I'm just regular Arnie Neacamp. Who, and if you've never listened to the podcast before, 11 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, which I use to upload a podcast recorded here in Northeastia in the magical land of fun. And it's a special day. Every year, we have this special fundraiser and maybe Chunt, my good bud and co-host, can explain it better than I can. Oh, yeah, baby. Yes, Chunt for

at October is sort of a nonprofit. We don't involve any deities. We collect as much blood as possible to give to the vampires. I should say as much blood as humanly possible because we're only some of us are humans. And it just sort of helps

them to not attack people as they travel throughout the land. Yeah. And I hope you're okay. Like we didn't want to do it in the castle because we just didn't want to bring all that blood into the castle. So I found out that there's a tavern right next to the castle called the King's Rest. And I'm just excited.

Although I guess they actually had burned down so they rebuilt it. So this is the King's Rest too, romancing the throne. So I'm just excited. Hold on, hold on. Yes. No, I think go ahead. So, I mean, there were other places we could go. I think across the street there's the space rest, which I've heard is hilarious over.

there. Oh. But, you know, let's stay here. We already are halfway set up at the king's rest. Okay. Will some of you guys help me moving all this blood cut by cup is just really tedious? Can you guys help me carry some of this blood? Yeah, I'm happy to help.

There's so much blood. Now that everyone is safe from the perils of bodily harm and death, they're so willing to give blood. We have so much blood. The vampire community shall be thrilled. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you think if we gave enough blood this year that we could get on podpires?

I was thinking maybe we should do like a swap with them or something. Maybe at some point. It's, I mean, can I be honest? Yes. It's always a thought. You know, I'm always kind of like, so here's the blood. Is there anything? You know, but I don't want to make a big stink out of it, you know?

Can I complain? Is it okay if I complain a little bit about podpires? Yeah. Sure. I mean, this is a safe space? Because they seem great initially. It's sort of like, I know they're a very big show. They're bigger than us.

Foon. But, you know, we send a few messages via bird to them, and they're like, yeah, of course. Well, definitely. Let's do a collaboration. And then we keep, like, they just slowly, like, you're getting less and less birds and you're never actually scheduling anything. And then they just don't respond anymore. Oh, yeah. And their letters back are always, the lettering is always like a, yeah, we'll definitely do it. Like, real long, letters, long and thin letters where you can tell, they're sort of lying. They always seem kind of surprised in the letters, like we've cornered them. And they're, They have to answer quickly. Yeah.

And we're not quartering them. If they don't want to do it, they don't have to do it. It's just like, just say, it's not a good time for us. We're not interested. Whatever it is. I won't be that offended. I'd be a little hurt, but I'll get over it. You know, it's not the end of the world.

It's not like something isn't going to come along and dethrone them the way they dethroned us. Mm-hmm. Oh, she's so mad. Fuck, you, sir, did you just dump that in the vat? What? Was I not supposed to? Oh, that was. was A-B, I think this is a positive

Oh. Shit. Oh, and you can't mix the blood? You're not supposed to. You know, people have their favorites. I think we just sell it as a blend. We're not selling it. I mean, we donate it as a blend. Yeah, maybe we'll just dump

some Merlot in there, maybe like a scotch. Chunt. Yeah. Let's sell it as a blend. That's put it as a blend. This will be a blend. We're going to make a little money off this today. Oh. So the fancy stuff you pay for. Oh, yeah. They're usually aged in barrels, like a port barrel or a, you know, a barrel of monkeys or something. Get that nice monkey taste.

Wait, so hold on. Let's not repeat the year where we just had like a big barrel of monkeys because it was so terrifying to see, you know, vampires and coals and goblins just like bite a monkey head off. It was really gross. Terrifying. Arne, that was fun as hell. What could be more fun? Are you kidding me? I don't know.

It sounds fun if you're going to be more fun. if you're going to see monkey bone, but then it's not as cool as you think it's going to be. Kind of like when you first heard foggog. You're like, that'll be cool, and then it was not. Yeah, not cool. Yeah. Pretty weird.

Yeah, just dump all the blood in the big vat, and that'll be that'll be that. Cool. Is there something else going on at the bar here, at the tavern? Oh, well, I've never been in here before, but it seems like a perfectly up and up a tavern, but I do notice that the door is a jar and there seems to be some fog

coming out from the door behind the bar. Is that what you're referring to, Chant? Yeah, door jar, fog rolling in. I also see there's a table that says reserved and then in parentheses it says not for Chump for October. Oh. Boy, that's very specific.

Who could that be? Well, I suppose we can just sit at the table next to that. Yeah, just sit at that table. I mean, one with the reserved is the best table. I wish there were more tables, so we didn't have to be right next to the table that doesn't want to be part of this. Isn't that the worst? That fog is driving me crazy. Should we shut the door?

I'm going to go see what's behind the door. Okay. Door number one or door number two? Because there's the back door. I'd choose door number three. Or you can have what's in my pocket. Oh. I'm so glad I dressed like a giant playing car tonight.

Uh. I'll take what's in your pocket. What's in your pocket? What's in your pocket? Let's see here. Oh, I don't have anything. Yeah, you better go to the door. Yeah, yeah, go check out the door.

All right, I'll be right back. So, chunt, buddy, how you been? I'm so excited to have, like, a get away from the castle. This isn't about me. This is a full, like, Crown-off King episode. I am not king in this episode, except for that I am because it keeps everyone in the kingdom alive. But you know what I mean.

Yeah, and I think it's fun. I imagine for you, like you're saying, to get out of the role that was kind of bestowed upon you. And I love that you're wearing a hat over the crown. Yes. So that you just look like, you know, everyday common dude. It's really hard to fit it over the crown. So I have to sort of like just hang it sideways on the crown.

But it kind of looks cool. I don't know. It just kind of looks cool. Like I'm a cool dude. Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, as tall as your hair is, and then as tall as the crown is, and then as big as that hat is, it is giving, I mean, Wow.

Yeah. There's a lot going on up there. Yeah. Like, it's scraping the ceiling, definitely. Do you guys know where there's some water I could stick my head in? Oh. Oh, what is you? What is you?

Yeah. I live in the lagoon behind the tavern. I need to stick my head in some water. Ew. What? There's a few lagoons. What color? It's kind of a slight.

I'd call a slate. You're a creature from the slate lagoon? Yeah, I'd call it a slate. It's kind of, you know. Gray. It's gray. I would say gray. I mean, it's a very dark slate, I guess.

You know, it's like almost, you know, you could call it midnight, you know, if you wanted to or, or, or deep slumber or something like that. Sure, sure. And you would, I mean, I hate to, like, classify. I don't want to box you in, but you're just like a creature. right? Wow, how big is that? That's kind of like Oh, and he's sitting down. Yeah, you're a creature too.

You're both creatures as far as I can sell. Yeah, man. I'm a merman. Oh, okay. I'm a merman from the slate lagoon. Oh, that explains the pants with just the one leg. Yeah. Okay. Oh, I was just sitting sideways. I got two legs.

I got, I got, I got, I got, you know, I'm not like, I'm not like a, you know, I'm a mur, You know, I guess I'm not a mermaid. Sure. Or the bottom half of me is a fish. But I have these fish like, you know, ears and gills and things. That's why I desperately need.

Do you guys know where there's some water? I'm dying here. We have the lagoon that you came from. Artie. Oh, you think I should go back there because you don't think I should be in this tavern? Arnie. Okay, sorry. You don't think I deserve to be here?

We mostly have blood. Blood works. Can I stick my head in the blood? Um, we're trying to make it kind of a blend. What have you eaten recently? Uh, a lot of oak and monkeys. Okay. Go nuts.

All right. My friend, go nuts. Whoa. Wait, did he throw up in it before he put his head in? He drew up in the vent that stuck his head in. Oh, that's better. I just needed to absorb the oxygen from that liquid. Thank you so much.

You're welcome. You do look better, although you're covered in blood and a little bit of puke. It's so nice to meet you both. My name is Nicholas Bomback. Any relation? Two? Nicholas Williams? No.

Oh, hmm. Both Nicholas's. Yeah. Any relation to Noah Bombach, the fame director on the world I came from? Probably not. Of course he knows a Bomback. He is a Bomback. I'm trying to think that rings a bell.

You know, you know, wrote Barbie. Oh, let's see. Oh, there's a squid and a whale just coming in the door. Guys, this is a closed event. Guys, I told you to wait outside. Oh, you know, I'm sorry. Yeah, they live in the slate lagoon.

Well, they both have wigs. Boy, they just left kicking and screaming. Well, I'm kind of, you know, they're really undersea creatures, and I'm more of a metropolitan fish person. And so that's why I like to get out here and, you know, mix it up and meet people. And what are your names? That's more of a wit Stillman.

But my name is Arnie. I am from another world. And look, it's not important, but I am king. But not tonight. Not tonight. Wait, you're the king of the northeast? You're King Arnie? Yeah, I'm King Arnie.

But you're wearing a hat. Yeah, well, I mean, look. Don't tell anybody I told you this. Look under my hat. Oh, there I go. Oh. There's a crown under there. Your majesty. I'm so sorry. No, no, no, no. I didn't inflect or anything.

This isn't about me. This is Chun's night. This is for, actually, this is the vampire's night. The vampires and the creatures and the ghouls. Oh, it's shot for Red October already. That's right. That's right. What was your name again? Nicholas Bomback. Okay. I thought I, I recognized your voice.

Now I recognize the name. You were on potpires. I went in, I've been on a couple episodes. They usually just have vampires. Yeah. And sometimes victims of vampires and sometimes thralls of vampires. But they made a special case for me. Damn.

Sometimes other, I hate to use this term. But sometimes they make an exception for other monsters. Some people consider me a monster. I just like to think of myself as a fish person. I'm perfectly loyal to the crown. I pay my taxes, even though they're, you know, fish-based. Because it's like kelp or something? Like you pay fish?

No, I pay in fish and kelp. Oh. Because everybody knows that 100 kelps equals one fish. Oh, no, not more weird. We can't keep doing conversion. We can't keep doing conversion. And then if you have, you know, five fishes, that's a fin. Buddy, body, buddy, buddy.

We can't keep doing this. We just can't. Is it just a thing with like amphibious creatures that do that? I don't know. I've been amphibious creatures. I don't remember this part of it already. I do not remember this part. And so do you know them or something or how did you get on?

Oh, well, they were doing a special monster week where they, you know, they make so many episodes. So many. So I was on and a wolf man was on and a mummy was on. You don't hear about wolf women. Yeah. Oh, you know, I think that. I think it's a perfectly normal thing to be. It's just like, you know, sometimes wolf men are a little toxic and a little pushy, you know?

Sure, sure, sure. So it's like there's that whole like, you know, wolfmanosphere that you're like, I'm tired of hearing about this. Yeah. But, you know, Podpires is so wolfmanosphere adjacent. Like, they just love having Wolfmanosphere people on. They do. They do. They do.

I, you know, I don't really necessarily align with everything. thing that they say. Like I said, I'm a loyal subject of the kingdom. Happy to live here. Hey, hey, buddy, buddy. Hats on, no crown. This is a king you can grab a beer with. So you don't have to pay fealty. Sure, sure, sure. I appreciate

that. That's great. And I'm just saying, like, you know, a lot of monsters eat people or terrorize people. I just kind of live my life. Okay. So you don't do any monstrous things. You're covered in blood. Yeah, that's a long sigh.

Well, I wouldn't say Don't do any monster things. Sure. I mean, look, it's not of our business, but like, what's the worst thing you've ever done? Yeah, well, kind of, yeah. Yeah, I know we just met, but I know there are microphones in your face, but like, it's like the worst thing you've ever done. What's the worst thing you've ever done?

Well, you know, I see a beautiful young maiden, and I, you know, I kind of go up to her window, and I kind of put my big fins on her window, big flippers. I'm looking in there. and my big bulgy eyes are looking around trying to see what I can see. Why do you put your, why do you put your big fins on the window?

Just to keep my balance, you know, I don't have my land legs yet necessarily. Sure. And then I open the window, I crawl in there, and I take her back down to the lagoon with me. Okay, that's fine. Yeah, that's not good. I thought I was going to end with leering.

I thought you were just animal housing it. No, I, you know, I carry her away into the lagoon and then here's the thing about beautiful young maidens. I'm so infatuated with them, but they cannot live underwater. I cannot stress enough. Yeah, they drown so easy, I imagine.

Yeah, and every time I forget, I'm like, I'm like, this is the one. And, you know, maybe the next one is the one that, like, can live underwater. You never know. But, you know, then, you know, it's like, ah, well, I ruined it. And then people, you know, chase me back into the

the lagoon and I'm like, oh, leave me alone. I pay my taxes. Buddy, again, you're not in trouble. You don't have to keep telling us you pay your taxes. We believe you. Just relax. Okay. I mean, normally, we'd probably consider slaying you because you, that's pretty monstrous.

Why? It is chunferot October. You asked me. I know, I know. I didn't know it was going to get that bad. You asked me, what was the worst thing I ever done? I thought maybe you, like, shoplifted some kelp or something. When we say, what's the worst thing you've ever done,

I think we were expecting, I don't know, like, you know, you sort of like, I don't know, like, nibbled on someone's toe in their sleep or something. What? No, you said, you know, you must do something, monstrous. And I told you the monstrous thing I do. You know, yes, I capture young maidens. I take them underwater with me to become my wife. They all drown. And I never get married.

And I'm very lonely. So, you know, excuse me. Have you guys never carried a beautiful young maiden underwere? water with you? No. No. Not even once. Wait.

No. No. You've never stood outside a window and leered inside? I didn't say that. I wouldn't say leered. Okay. Like, I've looked in windows, but sometimes I just want to see what they're playing on the TV.

Like, if someone's watching a TV in the window, I'm going to look. You're so much better than me. That's it. I'm done paying my taxes. Well, now, you shouldn't have said that. What, now you're going to hold out against me, too? Hey, can I ask you? something. Since Arnie became

King, have you noticed that you sort of like traipsed off with a beautiful maiden took her out of water and she just won't drown? Oh, I haven't tried to do it since Tom Blaine stopped being the king. Oh. Should I? I don't know if I should

encourage this. Should I? I mean, it won't die. Oh, that's right. There's a magical spell that no one can die. I remember reading that flyer. Well, for no reason at all, I have to leave. Hmm. Do you know? Were there any beautiful maidens nearby?

Is that what you're going to ask? Yeah, do you know if there are any beautiful maidens around? There's one named Elaine who used to come in here. Do you know where Elaine is? Have you seen Elaine? Have you guys been here before? No. This is our first time here at the Kingsrest, too.

Romancing the throne. Romance of the throne. It's a long name. It's a lot of name. It is a long name. Look, Nicholas, was that your name? Nicholas vonback, yeah. Look, I hate to be the woman from Hame to your Zendaya.

Huh? But you're a bad person. You are a bad person. I'm judging you. You're a bad person. You cannot marry Robert Pattinson. Oh. Well.

Get. Get. All right. Fine. I'm leaving. Go on. Get. I'm going.

I'm not going to Elaine's house, though. He's going to Elaine's house. Trott, why is it the part that I'm still so stuck on is like him putting his hands on the window. Yeah, me too. I was also stuck on, but I didn't want to say anything. He said he had fish ears, which is no ears, right? Yeah.

He goes, I have fish ears, but that just means no ears. Yeah. Right? How does he hear what we were saying? I went behind the door that had the fog coming out of it. There's a woman out there who was shooting out a fog spell to kind of keep someone away. Her name was Elaine.

Oh. She's trying to hide back there. So don't, I would, I would leave her alone. Good. Okay. Well, you know what? She's in danger. So I'm gonna, I'll be right back.

Where are you going to go? Although we should probably, you know what? Before I go save her, I know we should do that quickly. Let's take a break. Yeah, before we save that woman, let's take a break. Yeah, leaning his face against the window. With his hands spread out. Yeah.

Like, splayed. I mean, unless you're trying to show off your hands. No. Did he have, like, webbed hands? He had nice hands. That was nice. Does he think that's sex? Or something.

Maybe to his kind it is, you know? Maybe, yeah. Maybe it's like a, no, it's like when birds do like a little, you know, mating dance. You know, they kind of like ruffle their feathers. Oh, yeah. You see, like, maybe that's, that, that webbed hand is kind of like a maity call. Yeah. Could be.

Arnie is hopefully okay, right? I haven't heard any screams or anything. Oh, he was just going to go check on a lane. I'm sure. I'm sure he's fine. Hey. Hey. Oh.

Oh, hey, look at me. Oh, did I scare you? Look at me. Look at me. Did I scare you? Uh, a little bit, yes, you did scare us. Were you trying to scare us? Sorry, I popped up so dramatically, but I'm so weird and tiny.

Look at me. I'm, oh, did I scare you? Uh, say, friend, uh, I, I'm not, what, do you have a name? Uh, where do you come from? I'm not familiar with your kind. I'm a goooly. Oh. Oh, okay.

Like a ghoul, but I'm tiny. Oh, okay. Then you don't think I'm dangerous because I'm so small. He's kind of cute. Okay, well, here, do you want a little booster seat to sit here at the table with us? Yeah, I do, actually. Okay, let me get this. There you go.

Okay, here's some crayons and a placemat. Oh, thank you. I'm going to eat the crayons. I'm a little troublemaker. I'm a goooly. Yeah, you are a little troublemaker. Is that your name? Are you Gully or are you a Gully? I am a Gully. I'm Julie. It can be a boy's name too. I'm Julie the Gully.

Julie the Gully, okay. Yeah. Hey, you don't have to tell us your name, but I'd say it's a boy's name. It is, though. Look, I just want to know one thing. Do you pay your taxes? I don't. I'm a Gully. I'm a troublemaker. That makes sense. Julie. I'm not always around. Like, I get summoned. when there's like magical spells going on that go awry. And then usually I come and I like kill people at parties. Whoa.

That's kind of what goolies do. But first there's hijinks. Lots of hijinks. Oh, you're like a chud. No. Sorry, Chad. You're like Chad. I'm not a Chad.

I'm not a chud. I'm not a critter. Are you a gremlin? I'm not a gremlin. Do you eat pizza? I do eat pizza. Okay. Interesting.

Interesting. I do wear sunglasses. I do pop out of toilets. I mean, that's my, that's what I'm mostly famous for is jumping out of toilets. Not a thing I'd be bragging about. Okay, man, yeah. It's cool. It is really cool.

I mean, you got to see it to appreciate it. Is that what you want to be famous for, though, jumping out of a toilet? I mean, here's the thing. A lot of times we tell ourselves stories about ourselves, and sometimes those aren't positive stories, but then they kind of internalize those stories. And if you just keep telling yourself like, everyone knows me for jumping out of toilets, but that's not who you really want to be.

You know, that's okay. Yeah. But if that's who you want to be, well, it's still not okay, but it's better. Yeah. Hmm. I guess I never thought about it. I mean, I'm proud of it. I'm proud of the times I've jumped out of toilets and scared the shit out of people.

Let's unpack that. You're proud of jumping out of toilets. Yeah. Can you hear yourself? Look, I'm a tiny little goooly. You know, like I don't have a, I don't, I'm not really well made. I don't have a great range of motion and, uh, I can't really. Listen to yourself.

I can't really do much. See, this is a negative self story. I kind of have one move. Like, I can pop out of things in a surprising way. Like you open a cabinet and God, it's a gooly. Or, you know, you open the refrigerator. Ah, it's a gooly. But where do you pop out of most?

Toilets. Toil me. Guys, get down. Can you get him out of the booster seat? Yes, sir. Yeah, yeah, come on. Let's go to the bathroom. Let's go to the bathroom.

I want to show you something. Can someone carry me? Sure, I got it. I don't move well. Yeah, I got you. Okay, let me just open the door here. Okay. Is anybody in here?

Okay. Now, I want you to watch this. Yes. Oh, I'm sorry. I open the door and you are sitting right there. I'm done. Got to wash my hands. Bye.

Bye. Hi. That was weird. All right. I'm going to get in the toilet, and I'm going to pop out. And I want you to see it from someone else's perspective. Whoa. First of all, you're stealing my move. Yeah, I thought we're going to see Julie jump out of a toilet. We're practically the same size. You're going to try to be a gooly? I'm not going to try to be a gooly. Julie, what I want you to see is I want you to see other people's perspective of what it actually looks like when you pop out of a toilet. Because I think you're going to be shocked at how awful it looks.

Okay. That's a great idea. Okay. Just get in there. Can you see everything, Julie? Yeah, I see it. Do you want to sit on... Should I put Julie on top of the toilet as if Julie's going to use the toilet? No. Unless you do that, Julie.

You know what? It's not as satisfying to do it that way. I know this from experience. Like, because then people don't see it. It's just more like, what's going on? Something's biting my butt, which I've done. I've done it. But it's more like you go into the bathroom and you open the lid and,

Bo, how about pops a googly? And he's wearing suspenders. I'm sort of laughing. What? What does that have to do with it? Suspenders, sunglasses, eating pizza pop out of a toilet? I mean, this is a mixed bag. I mean, come on.

It doesn't sound awesome to you? All right, Tron. Put the lid down. Let's show, Julie. Let's show him. Okay. I mean... Look at me.

Did I scare you? I wasn't scared because I knew you're in there, but it's kind of cool. All right, right. Right? You're Sidor. Honestly, you saw it too. What did you see? It was fine.

It looked a little cheap, honestly. Chut, why don't you go back down in the toilet? And I'll do a very quick spell to erase the short-term memory of myself and Julie. Oh. And then you jump out and we'll see if it really scares us. How far back does that spell go? Because I don't want you to erase the point of this. Uh-huh.

Like, are you going to be trapped, like left trapped in the toilet? Well, you can't jump out of the... toilet. We weren't opening that. It wasn't up to us to get him out of the toilet. Okay, here we go. But also, we got to put the full, the googly stank on it. Here, I'm going to, I have magic. I'm going to magically give you sunglasses.

You just, Okay. Do they look cool? They look pretty cool. Yeah, all right, I'm going to give you some suspenders. My thumbs do fit pretty well right here. I'm just going to roll our memory back like a minute and a half. Okay.

Okay? Because that's probably about as long as we've been in the bathroom. All right? So you get the toilet. Close the lid. Ithorot, eat at. All right. Torroth, right.

Oh, shit. How did I get here? Oh, God. It's happened again. It's happened again. I carried you in here, but I don't know where Chunt went. Wow, look at me. Okay.

Oh. Chunt, why are you in the toilet? Oh, um, oh, should, I forget you did it to yourself as well. Dude. What the fuck, man? No, no, no, this was a lesson. I was trying to teach you a lesson. That's Julie's thing.

Were you just hanging in there like a pervert? No, no, no, no, no, no. We were just talking about this at the table, that Julie jumps out of toilets. Yeah. And they shouldn't take so much pride in that. Now you're doing it? But I do it because it's a googly thing.

Like a badger doing it. That's like really pervy. Yeah, now I see that now. Okay, yeah. You're so wet. I've never seen you this one. And I've seen you pretty wet. You really got wet?

Too wet. Okay, let me just, okay, let me just shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. Whoa. Actually, I'm pretty embarrassed you, sir. Could you do a spell to erase your memory and Julie's memory from like, I don't know, let's call it 47 seconds ago? Also, you stole my sunglasses and suspenders. You took them off and gave them to be while Sega spell. I have no memory of that.

Badoo, but do. Forty-oh. Where'd you learn that spell? Let me erase our memory. raised 47 seconds. He rot our ultimate The rest of the hip-bra-be-be-be- Chant.

Hey, I was just taking a shit. Just all hanging out in the bathroom? Yep. Oh, God, what? It's happened again. This is our new friend, Julie.

Did Chunt, did you meet Julie? No. It's a boy's name. Julie's a ghouly. I'm a ghouly. Okay, you look like a Sven. A Sven ghouly? Sure.

I like it Well nice to meet you Wait are you guys I get it We're disengaging from this conversation Well Yeah we were just gonna go back to our table Okay

It sucks that you cold it out Because now I feel Join us for a drink Damn it Alright Now you know what I got some business here in the bathroom Don't worry about it

Nothing important Let's get out of here Yeah okay He's gonna hide in that boat Hey where were you guys Where were you guys? Guys go to the bathroom together. Yeah.

Sure. Sorry, it took me so long. I went out looking for a lane and I got lost in the fog. And then, like, I bumped into a house and I realized that without meaning to, like, to try to figure out where I was, I was, like, peering in a window with both of my hands on the window. It was the worst. Hardy. Fingers played? Fingers played.

Oof. your fingers of people with your hands finger spiked? No, it was just an accident. Although it didn't help me with my balance. Hmm, okay. That's good. Well, I am here at the table for the night. I better stay put.

Yes, let's take a quick break. Do you guys wonder what that reserved table is for? I do. I'm dying to know. Chunt seems really stressed out about running this party. I mean, he's not even spending that much time hanging out with us. It's a lot of work. You know, he spends all years.

working up to this, you know, it's a lot of work to run a business like this, a non-profit, without any deities, helping you at all. And then donating all this blood to all those needy vampires, the poor down on the other like vampires who maybe only have three coffins, who maybe only have... Only have three coffins? Only have a single diamond brooch to wear around their neck when they try to say glamour their victims, you know,

You've got to think about the vampires. You know, you bring up a good point. I don't remember ever seeing a vampire that didn't look wealthy. Well, you'd be surprised. There are a fair amount of vampires who are only a baron, never made it to be, you know, a lord or a king or anything like that. Or a despoiler, you know, a lot of despoilers in the vampire ranks. Yeah.

I'm so sorry. I'm having a hard time. listening to what you're saying, and not in the usual way where I have a hard time listening to what you're saying. I'm just so distracted by this empty reserved table next to us. Like, I... What could it be for? I don't know. It just says not for Junfellow at October.

And that's... It feels pointed, first of all, unfair. Yeah. It's definitely the nicest table here, and I want to sit there. Yeah, I wish I was sitting at that very table. Could you mind your business, please? Could you stop staring? Oh, what?

I'm sorry? Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Please stop staring. Mind your business. I don't think we are staring. Who is that? Where did that voice come from?

Hi, here at the table, here at the table, here at the table, here at the table. Please stop staring. I'm the invisible mom. You're the invisible mom? I'm the invisible mom. Okay. And I reserve this table before your little thing. Well, I don't want to correct you, but do you see the irony here?

You've said it in your name. You're the invisible mom. So we couldn't see you. We didn't mean to stare. You're looking at an empty table. I stood up and I'm behind you now. Oh, hello. Hi, I'm Dolores, and you are?

My name is Yusidor, Wizard of the 12th Theron of Ephesus, Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos. Enough. Enough. Enough. Oh, wow. And you? I'm Arnie.

Invisible mom, would you... Dolores? Do you mind if I call you Dolores? That's fine. Thank you for asking. Would you mind joining us sitting at our table, unless, of course, you already are and I already am sitting. Okay, sorry.

Yeah. What brings you to the king's arrest to romancing the throne? Thank you for saying the whole name. I am celebrating my divorce. Oh. Oh, congratulations. Thank you so much. Thank you for sync because a lot of people will say,

I'm so sorry, but it's actually, it's for the best. I was married too. You might have, do you listen to Podpires? Sometimes, yeah I mean, I have heard it I was married to Snacula He was on a few episodes Oh

You were married to Snacula Mm-hmm Oh Is that the vampire That sucks all the filling out of snacks That's him Hmm So I see you've met him

No, just relatable We'll leave that On the fire You two seem like good boys You two seem like good boys But I think staring Is disgusting The other night, I was slipping into my nighty, and I saw at my window what could only be described as a creature with its fingers splayed.

Yeah. Only described as a creature? Yes. I mean, it sounds right. All right. And I don't need these kinds of shenanigans as a mother and as a recent de force eight. Yeah. Well, Dolores, we didn't mean to stare.

We thought the table was empty and we were wondering why. So I just sort of drew our attention. And so I offer my truest apologies. I appreciate that. And just so you know, it's not empty. I have all my invisible friends. There's so, I mean, go around and introduce yourself, ladies. There's all my.

Hi, I'm Shirley. This is Fern. Wait, why is that voice coming from our table? And hi, I'm Anna. And this is my. This is guava and... Guava? And...

And... Dolores. Which one of them is crying? You've been through quite an ordeal. You've separated... ended your marriage with Snacula. Yeah. And there's no need to make up friends.

You have an opportunity here to make friends with the two of us. Yeah. Well, I guess you can't see me. I should say Dolores is a woman's name. Yeah. I inferred that from mom, but I suppose I shouldn't have. Let me just say this, Dolores.

I think you, as an invisible woman, you know, you don't have to really introduce yourself as a mom. I mean, you're more than just being a mom. Oh, my God, I says you're so right. Are your kids invisible or vampires? Half. Half of each. Okay, okay. Yeah, I was going to ask, yeah, what, like, half invisible, half vampire?

snack-eating vampire. Nailed it. And being a mom is a really important part of your life, but now you're starting a new chapter in your life, and you can, you know, think about, you know, starting afresh, you know. Maybe there's, doesn't have to be out of love. Maybe it's a new career. Maybe it's... Oh, I see. I see.

What? I'm not going to fuck you. What? I'm not going to fuck you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was not saying that. No, no, no, no, no. Pig. No, I wasn't saying that.

Usador, she's not going to fuck you. Fine, fine. You're not going to get an invisible fuck, okay? Like, I was just hoping for at least an invisible touch. Because she seems to have an invisible touch. A visual touch, ah?

She reaches in... Ran right over my heart. It grabs right hold of your heart, yeah. You two are disgusting, okay? I'm not going to fuck either of you. Okay? That's okay. That's okay. Look, we are technically. Oh, it's okay?

So I'm ugly? You can't even see me, but you know I'm ugly? No, I mean, if I'm being perfectly honest, I mean, like, it doesn't matter. It's not like the point, but you sound kind of hot. Like, I'm drawn to your voice. What? What's it? Let's go.

Oh, shit. I'll wait here for Chun. Oh, I guess we are. I am looking. I'm standing here naked and you can't even touch me. Wait, you're already naked. You're naked. Not anymore, pigs.

You take your clothes off. I put him back on so fast. Okay, so I totally missed my offer. Would you like to go on a date sometime? Yeah, let's start there. I left. I'm gone. Oh. Okay.

Well, well, really, we really botched that. She seemed so interesting. Although, to be fair, I kept wanting to ask questions about Snacula, and I felt like that probably isn't appropriate. Oh, of course, of course. Oh, Jed, you still here. You're here. I thought you left.

I did. Look, how are your kids taking the divorce? Are they doing all right? Half of them are. The invisible half? What? No, one of two. Oh, okay. Oh, I see.

Yeah. That makes more sense. Yeah, well, did you get custody of the kids? No, the court decided that I was absent, even though I was in the courthouse. Yeah, that makes sense. That's tough. And I tried to speak, you know, obviously you can hear me, but they thought it was haunted, So, um...

Yeah. Yeah. It's hard to believe that Snacula's a better steward of their well-being, though. Right? Probably not feeding them well. No, it's all just disgusting empty calories. Yeah. Hey, kids.

Here's a cupcake without any filling in it. Go nuts. Is that helping? That is helping. Yeah. Yeah, Snacula seems like kind of an idiot, frankly. He is. Honestly, I don't.

I hate, I mean, I wouldn't tell this to just anyone. I fucking hate podpires. Are you serious? Me too. I, I also hate it. Yeah. Are you kidding me? Yeah, I mean, we definitely have a weird love-hate relationship with them, but, yeah, I don't

really care for it. It's just, we've made a pact with trying to guest on their show and get some sort of, like, cross-promotion going. But, you know, here, what you know what we're doing tonight. You know, it's Trump for October, where we're raising blood for needy vampires. Not raising cream filling. Yeah. Yeah.

For idiot vampires who don't even know how to be a vampire, right? Like, fuck that guy. Thank you. What do you drink? Like, do you drink non-invisible people's stuff? Great question. What? Like, what is an invisible mom drink?

None. Say that again, non-egroise? Do you drink blood? I don't know what your deal is. Yeah. Okay. I get it. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Look at Dolores, no friends. And I want you to know I'm not sad because of divorce. I'm sad because none of my friends shut up. I'm going to finish. my drink whatever it is, and that's for me to know. Uh-huh. And then one of you is going to go, fuck me in the stable next door. Wait.

Okay. Wait, are you sure your friends aren't here? Aren't they invisible, too? Wow. We're all, all women are invisible, huh? Oh, brother. And do you know what you're drinking if the drink is invisible? Your drink is invisible?

How did the drink get invisible? You two are morons. I'm willing to believe that. But these. Do feel like legitimate questions. I saw you the tall one with the hat, the weird hat that gives him a long, oblong head. I saw you pick up a bottle of perfectly fine, invisible scotch and throw it into garbage. What?

I thought I was just picking up an invisible thing. But how would I know if I had that in my hand? Would I be able to feel it? I mean, I think I would have been like, oh, I'm holding something, but I don't see anything there. Oh, shit. I don't know which one she's talking about. with the crazy hat. Well, we both have crazy hats.

Oh, no, my life. I mean, I don't know what you're wearing tonight, honey, but it's very weird. It's a crown with a hat on top because I don't want, you know, I need to keep the crown on, but I want to be crown off. Oh, I see. I see. Well, Dolores, I can go fish that scotch out of the invisible trash if that would help. Oh, oh, my God. Oh, swoon.

Oh, my. Hero, go get me some trash scotch. Well, let me, is it this trash can here? Let me see. Gouly! Oh, shit, that scared me. That, that's pretty scary. Yeah.

When you're not expecting it, it's a little scary. I get it now. Cool glasses, though. Dolores, you still here? Dolores? What were her friends' names? Anna? Grubble.

I'm here, but I'm mad. Oh. Okay. And I'm naked. and nobody said anything. I'm putting my clothes back on. We don't know because we can't see you. Into it.

Into it. Into it. Oh. I mean, yeah. I think you should go sit at that table and just kind of try to scoot over and go sit at her table? Yeah, yeah, go sit over there. But I don't even know what table. I thought she was at our table.

But go sit at the reserve table and see if like, you know, maybe you, she snuggles up to you and you kind of like, you know, you see what happens. Okay, I mean, I guess I'm trying to get out there more. So, even though this really seems like fully just going to make her mad, I suppose I'll sit at her tail. Okay, hey. I'm sitting at the reserved table. Oh, right on my lap. Oh, hey, I do not feel that. Okay, big boy.

Do you have an invisible condom? Wait, are you? Wait, why does the condom have to be invisible? What? Never mind. Why does everything have to be invisible with me? I'm just a woman. No, you asked for an invisible condom.

That's not me. I did not. You Sador. Why would I ask for an invisible condom? I swear. I don't feel like I'm sitting on anything. Are you also intangible? What does that mean?

I think I used that word correctly. I have flat thighs. Oh. It's when you don't have substance, someone can pass through you. You're out of phase with reality. Or you might be a ghost. Are you a ghost? Oh, are you a ghost?

Are you confusing yourself as an invisible? visible entity when you're actually a ghost? I don't think so. Let me ask you this. When did you die? Three years ago? Okay. You're a ghost. You're a ghost. I was carried underwater by

what can only be described as a creature. Only? Only described as a creature. I'm so sorry to tell you this. Yeah, I think you're a ghost. Well, if I'm a ghost, then how come I'm naked? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. Thank you. If you're a ghost, I think you can also manifest whatever clothes you want. You could probably also make yourself visible to us if you're really concentrated. I can see my hands. Yeah, I see, like, the outline of a hand. Yeah, just floating hands.

Oh, just the hands. Yeah, it's just the part that you're just looking at your hands, but all we see is two hands, like, as if someone's looking at them. Yeah, we know it's you, Dolores. Yes. Look at this glass is floating sort of. Wow, the drink is still invisible. You could have done this when you were invisible, too.

Nothing has changed, really. This is so fun. No, you're just floating hands. What? The worst part is Chunt would really enjoy this. Like, I'm sad that he's missing it. What? What would I enjoy?

Chant, look, floating hands. Where? Oh, what the fuck? They're floating out of the bar. Yeah. That was Dolores. Oh. She thought she was an invisible person, specifically a mom, invisible mom.

Oh, wow. Dolores, a... What kind of name? A girl. A girl's name. A woman's name, yes. A woman's, okay. In her instance, yes.

Delora. Okay, okay. But I can see it being both. Guys, there is a line of vampires around the block. Oh. It's a huge success. Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

You guys, thank you so much for always supporting me and for, you know, for helping with this and I just, I appreciate your work and your friendship and your support and I this means the world to me, guys. Thank you so much. Well, it's our pleasure. It's a, it's a wonderful celebration of the holiday, the spookiest time of the year. It really, maybe it's because all the vampires are in one place,

but it really is. It is weird that we don't see most of these monsters most of the rest of the year. That is strange. Yeah, where did they go? Give it up, Julie. I see you in that part. What? Maybe you want to come over it closer to the pot. No, I don't.

I want to suck your snacks. Who's this guy? Snacula. We've got horrible news about your wife. My wife. My wife. She's been missing now, nine on three years. Yeah, she's a ghost now.

She died. Yeah. We think someone dragged her under the water. I know you primarily have snacks, but if you want, you should go over and have some blood on us. Thank you. Goalie! Idiots. Arnie, we saw Snacula, we saw Julie.

I just wish we would see Nicholas Wilburntide. Wait, look at the window. He's peering in. Those hands. That's so gross. Yeah. You guys want to go underwater for me? Arnie, your call.

Might be fun. I haven't been swimming. in a while. Can't die. Can't die. Fuck it. Let's go. Let's go. After party. Tonight, we are young.

Oh, wonderful. I think my favorite aspect of that episode is that I recorded this well in advance and didn't have to listen to it. Yuzidol the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adul Rify. All the other characters were Anonymous. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production

made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffes, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the latest bonus episode, where Usador and Chant try to figure out what gift to get Arnie. Hey, well, uh, yes, exactly. Here, step on to this magical rug and let it fly us away to the shopping court. Okay, let me just...

What, I think you're probably going to play a little music here. Ah! Oh, it's between them in their butts, don't use it or have yet. Ah! We've arrived. But we haven't discussed this at all. What do you get for the man who is literally the king of the entire northeast of food? There's not that anything he asked for he could get.

So how do you surprise him? How do you delight him? Yeah, that is true. Oh, I have a little note-pad here, and then anytime Arnie mentions something that he seems to sort of pine for, I jot it down. Okay. Okay, let's see. Take five. What does that mean?

Oh, we deserve a little break. Okay. Yeah, we just got started, but let's stay. It is, I gotta say, shopping is hard. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Ruffey. Post-production coordination by Garrett Shultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman, this episode edited by Red Keener.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBann. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.