Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 6, Ep 3 - Tomb Guards (w/ Jerry Holkins & Mike Krahulik)

Episode Date: August 31, 2026

We find an ancient tomb guarded by talking statues who haven't had visitors in a long long time.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungPorthos: Jerry Holkins from Penny ArcadeMike: Mike Krahulik from Penny ArcadeMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp, also known as King Arnie. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. 11 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift and i use that to upload a podcast recorded here in northeasteia

the capital of the northeast where i have recently somehow accidentally become king and i am joined as always by my co-host he's head of the king's guard jump the talking badger beat d ddd i still got get a horn uh oh yeah arnie yeah it's okay i know i'm sorry i know you have to carry these heavy weapons and we're kind of yeah we're not back at the castle right now we're sort of walking. So I know this is making things a little more difficult. How you doing though, buddy? How you feel like leading the Kings Guard? Feels

good. It feels good to have a purpose. It feels good to, you know, be a part of your inner circle. It sucks that we have a team of horses behind us and they're not carrying anything. It feels like we should either ride them or put stuff on them or... I was told they're not carrying horses. So thank you for doing some extra lifting yourself.

Yeah, of course, of course. You're looking great, buddy. I'm really proud of you. I'm really proud of. Thank you. Thank you, my leash. We're not even at the royal court right now. Don't call me Riley items. Neil, where's the buddies? Oh, Neil, you pick up. Keep back.

You're all so heavy. Okay. I'm also joined by my other co-host, Usador the Wizard. I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow. Manipulator of magical delights. Devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Traacas.

Oh, they're horses. Oh, you scared off the horses. Oh, all the pretty horses. Oh. Sorry about that, honey. I didn't mean to scare off your horses. I was just announcing myself. To the podcast listening community.

Finish the name. Finish the name. Where was I? Devara of Chaos Champion, Great Halls of Trakkers. The elves know me as Fianak. The dwarves know me as Zonanukestengis, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasuania Mastar. And there may be other secret names.

Names of such great power that have uttered aloud. All the pretty horses will return. Oh, whoa, here they're coming back. I didn't say the name yet. Oh, that's totally coincidental. These are different horses. Different horses? There's so many horses.

We're in a horse-heavy area. Oh, I'll save it for another time then. Guys, I'm so excited to be out of the castle and just kind of like doing a little adventure again. Like, we're not very far from the castle, but you know what I mean. Like, it's stuffy inside. It does get stuffy in there, yes. Arnie, do you have your little branch with you?

I do. Okay. Which listeners, if you just joined us this season, I have a magical branch that keeps me safe in any kind of forest. And that, honestly, that's why I'm king of the northeast. Because the king is his people. The people is his king. And so as long as I have this branch, everyone in this forest city of Northeistia is protected. So yes, I have it with me.

Because if I lose it, everybody could die. It would be real bad. What if we're crossing a stream? Ooh. I mean, the stream is in a forest. Yeah. But while you're in this stream, are you in the forest still? Whoa.

Philosophical. Usador. Stop trying to poke holes in the premise of the season. I'm not trying to poke holes in it. I'm trying to prepare for any ill situations that may arise. Yeah, Arnie, what if a big bird comes out and grabs it, and you two are like vying for the stick? Are you both protected? Is neither one of you protected?

Oh, that's true. What if I try to hit the bird with the stick? I love birds. Mm-hmm. If you break this stick in half, can we each take a stick and all be safe? I'm not allowed to give it to anybody. That's part of it also. And I believe it can't be stolen from me.

But listeners, if you have any questions about how this stick works, email us at Magic Tavern at Puppies. Supplies. Use a subject line, how that stick work. And we'll try to answer your questions on the podcast. Oh, guys, I think the excavation area is right here. So you said that there's a, like a, there might be a hidden. temple here? Yes, your royal archaeologists

recently discovered this tomb and brought word of it to me immediately and I couldn't resist the opportunity to sneak into that tomb and see if there are any magical tomes, magical items, magical cloths that might protect us, fight evil

and destroy it in all of its forms. The saving food and making Yusadar the greatest hero whose heir lived. And you said if we wear these pendants that if there's a guard and they jump out, they'll just take the pendant and then we're fine to keep going? That's right. Oh, really? That's like modern tomb rules.

I don't know. This seems like it's a pretty old, let's go down these steps where I think the original entrance is just up ahead. Whoa. Yes, we're all prepared for tomb raiding. I've put on my light blue tank top and my short shorts. Those are the shortest shorts I've ever seen you at Eucidar. And I shall raid this tomb. Ooh, gag-gagagoy.

Your pecks are so triangular. Thank you. Arnie, look at these statues. Oh, they're majestic. Yeah, there's these very imposing statues at the front of the tomb. I wonder. Oh, oh, there. Oh, the statue's talking.

Oh, wake up. What's your happen? The other statue's talking. What's going on? Tomb Raiders. We've heard about these. Yes. Oh, it's been a minute.

Oh, there's a worse. Statue guards, you stand here before Yusadol the wizard, the great blue wizard of the northeast, and the official wizard of Arnie King's court. Well, he's not getting in this door. Yeah, whoever that is, like we don't know who that is. He can't come in. I got bad news for you guys.

Oh. People can't come in here. What? We'd love to, though. Can you check the list? Yeah, is there a list? No. You have to solve a riddle.

Oh, shit. Wow. Uh, yeah, oh, I forgot about the riddle. My friend has thought of one. Yeah. Oh. No, you had a, you had a good one. Remember, you told it to me.

That was, I mean, it was a while ago, but... I didn't get it. I didn't know it. No, I actually inscribed it upon the innermost portion of the shield. Yes. The most tender, intimate portion of the shield. Let me just take a quick look at this here. Oh, Ani, this is great old magic if they've inscribed it on the back of a shield. Here, no, hold on.

It says something in here about pendants. I guess pendants are a big part of the hang on real quick. Chunt! Here, if I could just please... I have 12 legs. But no, no, no, no, no, no, it's not, it's not time for that. Okay. First is the pendants, no, first is the pendants, and then we go into the legs.

So, if I could just please take all of your pendants very quickly, that's... Of course. I'll collect them, there we go. It shouldn't take it. a tremendous amount of time. Unfortunately, I don't have my pendant because on our way, it got stolen by those... Death!

Death! I don't know. Hold on, hold on. Decapitation. Probably. I'm raising my stone's sward. He's moving so slowly. If you threaten this king, you shall face a wizard's wrath.

I'm made of stone. I don't care. I'll turn stone into dust. If it's gold you come for then it's blood I need. Oh, shit, there's gold. Nice. That was, oh, that was very cool. I just thought of that.

That sounded, that did sound really cool. It sounded pretty hardcore. We are really excited to solve your riddles and get inside the tomb, but I, like, do you mind me asking who I'm speaking to? Do you two giant majestic statues have names? Not in the least. It is our great pleasure to welcome me here. Now, let me just go ahead and get a hold of these pendants.

There you go. Thank you. Oh, but again, I don't have a pendant because... Death? No, I don't know. Shut up! He's a joker. He's a funny guy.

Now, listen, why are you two so much taller than this other one here, this toothy one? Oh, this is Chunt the Badger. Is that... Should I have heard of Chunt? Is that a real person? He's very popular. With who?

I guess, um, these two? Yeah, I mean, I love him like a cousin. Let me just get a hold of these pendants real quick. All right, just thank you. There you go. Very much. obviously. Pirates stole mine? Pirates. The Pirates of pendants?

The pirates of pendants stole your pendant? That's the complication we're introducing here? Yes. I would be ashamed to engage in this level of chicanery. The pendants don't matter. No one is getting in through the door. No, I just like pendants. These are for

your pendant collection. Yes, these are for me. These are for my private reserve. Here, Chunt, give them one of your extra pendants. Oh, man, I... These guys just walk around with extra pendants. Chunt here's the very epitome of a modern major general. He's the head of the entire

King's Guard. Thank you. Times must have changed out there. People are just walking around with pockets full of pendants these days. Well, indeed. And the King's Guard was headed by creatures much more substantial, perhaps, than this greasy rotent that we see here. It's my friend you're talking about.

Also, what I remember. But how long have you been down here? You've just recently been excavated. How long ago do you remember? How many years has it been, or have you lost track of time in Memorial? No, we have all the time, like I don't... Okay. Yeah, we know about all the...

There are seven chalises. Okay, here we go. Six of them hold only death. Yeah, we'd better go to the chalises quick. There's one with liquid. Just drink the one with liquid. Seven chalises and six of them hold only death? That might not be right.

Yeah, yeah. Some of the chalices are okay. Okay. Well, wonderful is, right? Listen, if it's all the same to you, you seem like gentlemen. Oh, thank you. There's no good chalises, to be perfectly frank with you. I...

That's a trick question. I feel bad that you spent the time that you have coming down here. No, no, no. To be fair, all the chalises were great when we got here, what times those were? Amazing chalises. If you had come here, what, eight, nine million years ago? Million years ago.

Wow. Wow. The chalices you would have seen. Yeah, anything you put in a chalice is going to go bad in that amount of time. I like him. It's a plus. As soon as a fluid goes into a chalice, it is ennobled immediately. It's true.

Oh, it's ennobled. Yes, Arnie. That's why kings and queens and royalty in the sword only drink out of chalises because the ennoblement of the liquid is... Ah, see, I like this guy. Yes, that's what makes it qualified to touch their lips. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Recognized.

But these chalices are all shit now? Is that what you're saying? Oh, yeah, you don't want any of these. They're not good. No, you don't want anything to do with these chalises. Yeah, shit chalises. Look, I'm just trying to barter here. Would it help if we got you some new chalices?

I think we can make that happen. Well... I mean, it's not going to get you in the door. No, no, but... I mean, if you want to be a bro, I mean, certainly... We could be bros? Okay. Yeah, we would... Obviously, these are chalisei, which is, I mean, I think that we all understand is the plural of chalice.

Chalice's, yes, of course. Like I said, this is my fucking god. That statue loves you, Yusador. Well... If you can bring us seven, honestly, bring us eight. Eight would be perfect. Okay. That would be great, because then we would have a spare, because you know how it is.

Oh, yeah. What if a great wizard? conjured 800 era tra-kola to-to-o! No, no, no magic slop. What? I don't want, I want real chalices. These are real chalices? Bullshit.

You don't think these are real chalices? Look at this guy. Yeah, yeah, don't magic slap a bunch of chalices. We want some, like, actual, tangible chalices. Oh, fine. Let's take a quick break, and I'll run back up to the castle and get some chalices. Chon, have you noticed that the chalises that Yusidor makes, they glow, this weird way. They're just like, look too shiny. Yeah, way too shiny. Greasy.

Greasy. I put in pomade, okay? Hi, I'm Gustavo Sorolla, and if you love D&D style adventures full of humor and heart, you should check out Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Tales from the Stinky Dragon is a cinematic listening experience complete with guest performances from professional voice actors and comedians, immersive sound design, and its own musical score. Go on a thrilling journey with four friends and me, Gus, their very patient, dungeon master, as we stumble through disastrous dice rolls, questionable roleplay decisions, and even a few wholesome feel-good moments along the way. You can binge our first two campaigns or join us every other week for our latest

third campaign. No matter where you decide to start listening, you're guaranteed to have a side-splitting journey that's fun for all ages and perfect for both D&D veterans and newcomers alike. Just search for Tales from the Stinky Dragon, wherever you listen to podcast and subscribe today. There, I magically transported myself to the castle, and I've returned here with eight chalices, not magically conjured chalices, but those made by the has. of craftsmen under the court of King Arnold the first. It's Arnie, King Arnie, the first. But you magiced yourself over there to get him.

You didn't walk over to get him. No, this is true. I didn't have time to do that. I mean, these are still real chalices. Now you just made the whole thing weird. Wow, I made it weird. Yeah. It's been made tawdry.

Todry? You did cheapen it. You did kind of cheapen it, Eusidar. Cheaping it. We've been gone. Starting this door for eight million years, do you imagine that we've cheated our way through the millennia? Fine.

I will walk to the castle. Would you, please? I have a lot to say about you while you're gone. This guy. I'll walk to the castle. I'm shy shower-chain with eight chalises, but I'm leaving these eight here. You sort of, why don't you send a bird,

and you'll have someone at the castle will deliver those chalices, So you can kind of... No, no, no, no. There'll be some sort of workaround if I send a bird. They'll say I talked to a bird and that was magic or some bullshit like that. So I'm going to walk to the castle and I'll walk back. And I shall walk at a perfectly normal wizard speed. Oh, he's using his old man walk.

Listen, we have seen it before. Yeah. How many people have you ever let into this tomb? Counting you? Yeah. How many of you are there? Well, now there's two, but there will be three when Usador comes back. Two?

Two, then three later. Two. Wow. So wait. No, we have a good feeling. I mean, I'm just saying, like, you know, whatever we might have said to your sorcer. We could have a good feeling about this. Like, I mean, the fact of the matter is, is that, yes, you would be the first three.

I mean, now I really want to get in that tomb. It just feels extra special. You're running a real thing. race and you pass the person in third. Okay. Oh, shit. Do I need a quill to write this down? Um, I don't remember that one.

You're still in, you're in third because you, most people say, it's like, Arnie, when it comes to riddles, I've heard a ball. Hmm. What kind of eggs can you break when you need to, oh. Uh-huh. Most, most eggs? All eggs. Yeah, I guess so.

Ooh, is it possible that the, is this, have I figured out a trick for riddles? Can you just answer all of it? Just whatever the riddle is just say. Yep, all of it. Whoa. I seem to have dropped my sword. This is a giant statue sword. Can you actually, Arnie, or King Arne,

could you please help my friend with his sword? Can you just pick that up? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, Sean, you're going to... Be careful, Arne. Be careful. What's wrong, Sean? You worry?

Just say, it looked like he dropped. without a purpose. Just be careful. Could be a trap. Okay. I mean, his hand came with it, though. That's what they want you to think. Like, these are old statues. The oldest trick in the book.

Beware my traps, mortal. Yeah. Are you guys doing okay? Can I just, like, person to statue? Are you doing okay? Not 100%. I'll be perfectly honest with you. Things aren't going perhaps the way that I had hoped.

Oh. Yeah. You know, four million or so years ago, obviously in midlife crisis situation, I managed to secure a stone Porsche. And you looked very good in it. I thought, as I have said, I thought that in some ways I improved the porch. Oh. When I sat at the helm of that steed. Speaking of over the hill, here comes you.

You said we're kind of tumbling down a hill. Here, eight chalices. Eight chalices. Well, I'd well be the judge of that. Let's take a look at these. I'm sorry, eight chalya. How rude of me. I would have sent a bird, but that is me.

Big time waster there. What sort of wizard is this? That's my question. But before you're angry when I... used magic. Now you want me to? Yeah, I mean, you have to pass between, it's Scilla and Carybdis. Six of these

chalises hold something else, something. Something yucky. Oh, I don't like yucky stuff. Especially to drink. Oh, yeah. No one likes it, and that's why it's such a sophisticated riddle.

Hmm. Yeah. Oh, I'm so sorry to interrupt. Statue number one. Yes. Did you just say, you said, you said these two words that sounded like maybe they were names? This is very rare indeed. This is why I suggested. Did I not suggest that these new claimants to the tomb didn't have something special, something extra?

They're not getting in. Well, they may not get in, but they could learn our names. Oh, yeah. Statue number two, if we were to go on a date, where would we go? And what's your name? The dark forest Oh, kinky. Sexy. I probably

take you to some kind of pedestal that I could stand on. Makes sense, yeah. Maybe some kind of water feature. Okay. I'm liking this. And then I would allow you to read inscripted upon my blade.

Ooh. My ancient name, bike. Oh, is that your ancient name? That is my ancient name from olden times. It must sound odd in your tongue. You honor us with your proper ancient name, Mike. You don't say, he's not saying it right.

No, it's a vowel issue. You can't magic it, I guess. Maybe that's your problem. You have to say it with your human mouth. Indeed, perhaps he is too studied. In any case, you honor us with your ancient name. name, uh, and, and you, uh, statue one, uh, what be thy name? Uh, for it is important, because Arnie sends this audio back to his world. He's not from this world. Well, that, that sounds

like a lot of bullshit, sorcerer, but... Fair. That's what my mom said about the podcast. Mm-hmm. Mothers. Now, uh, you speaks. We speaks. We speaks. To porthos gizalm. Porthos gizalm. Portos Gizalm Gizalm And might Correct

More or less Yes that's It's been a Source of contention Uh Low these many years Were you guys Like, I don't know

Were you made at the same time Or I was made one second First Before him Oh here we go I saw him Come out

Here we go again You saw him come out Come out Of the statue maker. I still can't tell if the statue maker gave birth or some sort of kill or of it.

Oh, someone's mad. Porthos, are you all right? You seem a little upset. Well, this issue of primacy has been nettled by it, though my skin be stone.

Stony skin. Mm-hmm. Here, I have polished the chalier, and now each chalice shines brighter than ever before. No yucky stuff in there. Well, these are looking... One hesitates

to give it to him. I don't like him. I never will like him. I hate him. What? But these are great chalises. They are good chalises. I'm to be frank, brother. Yeah.

This is the sort of chalice. Please speak amongst yourselves. Oh, sure, yeah. This is the sort of chalice collection. You guys want to get some food after this? That we were taught to revere. It's true. I mean, I feel like with a set of chalises like this,

we could make our own tomb. We put these chalises behind the door. Yes. Now we're working for ourselves. Well, no, exactly. Now we own the vertical, frankly. Yeah. Were we thinking tacos?

Cababs? That sounds good. Well, something to consider. In any case, we're taking all the chalises. Oh, good. Yeah, so these are our chalises now. Excellent. So we'll just lift up this velvet rope and head on in.

No, no, the door is not opening. No, no, no. You're not going to be able to get into there. In the classic sense. No. But obviously it's been a great pleasure talking to you gentlemen. and obviously we thank you for the... I get it.

I get it. I see. I see what's going on here. I get it. This door doesn't open at all. There's... In fact, there's probably nothing on the other side of it. Hold on.

Is this door blasts for me? I won't stand for it. Well, this is... Frankly, I consider this and I think I suspect my brother does as well. This is hideous anti-door rhetoric. It is. No, I believe it's the music. of our wise king

who's come to realize if this door were to hope that behind it we would see not but a wall of stone. Why, I bet there's nothing cool or interesting or fun in there at all. This is where you are wrong, wizard. Oh, am I?

This is, in fact, this bulwark of stone separates you from... I mean, it was closed, to be fair, when we got here. Oh, for renovations? You guys haven't ever

peaked? No, I mean... No, that's weird. That's perverse. Really? No one opens the door. That's not the door open. Uh... A candle burns at night, but not...

Okay. It's a riddle. Here comes a riddle. Not when the candle opens. When the candle opens, it's very bad. This is what we were taught as young statues, and frankly, we have made Seeing that palsy today. A man that is riding on a horse. Mm-hmm.

Arnie, say all of them. You know, let's go back to the riddles. So... Okay. Imagine a scenario, so you have a carrot. Okay. And you are due to be led... Okay, okay.

To a lily pad. 24? Yeah. No, that's right. That's it. Yes. 24... 24 carrots?

Oh. Uh, a polylipad. That rests a cocoon. A cocoon. Yes. A cocoon. Yes. A cocoon.

Oh, and now what? Now what are you going to do? Not enough riddles end with now what? And this is, well, you haven't come to just any tomb here. What do you do? What do you? Now what? He is posed to you a question, mortal.

Chant, am I supposed to eat the carrot? What do you think? Oh. I don't want to give any spoilers, but a lot of people think, Maybe I'll eat the carrot where I may or rum. Don't give them any. Don't. You guys talk amongst yourselves and figure that out.

Oh, okay. Porthos. Do you, uh... Yes. Do you know where this one goes? You mean, do I know what the answer to it is? Yeah. Brother, you may be assured.

Excellent. Excellent. I have lit a trap for these breathing creatures. I love it. Oh, there. Stink is so disgusting. Oh, it is vile indeed. Well, let's take a quick break from the podcast,

and, uh, Arnie, no offense, but you stink. We need to clean up during the break. You spell like 8 million years of funk. That would be a great album title. Watch yourselves. Porthos, Mike. This has been great, but I think the sun is going to be setting soon,

and we probably do have to get back to the castle. I guess just, look, just person to statue. Is there anything we can do? Is like, can we negotiate something? I don't even have to go in the tomb. I'd just love to, like, get a peek. And whatever I see, I would tell you what's in there. You guys have got to be curious.

Well, I mean, I've got, I've had ideas, certainly. I mean, one. That much is true. Certainly, we would love to get a hint. I wish that we could. In fact, we are unable. This is the deep, the rich irony. You have to understand we're from a different time.

Yeah. The tomb is solid stone. Like, all the way through? As far as we know, I mean, you can try to look in there. I mean, my guess is that you're going to open these doors. Is that not true? No. This is what he thinks.

He thinks it's just solid stone. I know what's inside. I was told specifically. You know? No. I was born and they told me before he came out. That one second, that one second window? Yes. The sovereign architect said that we were here to guard a kind of end point for foolish adventures.

You're saying that I must lie to. Yes, I know what's in there. What? Weird, tell me, don't tell them, just tell me very quietly. Bigger, bigger statues. Whoa. Really? How big?

Crazy fucking, crazy fucking big. Like, so big. Like, you would see them and be like, holy fucking shit. Like, I'm a big statue. Obviously, I am... No. Not compared to these statues. Really?

Arnie, you want to know what I think is in there? What do you think is in there, Chud? I think it's their two bodies. Like, they died a long time ago, and then someone put their souls in these statues? Yeah. So I called it statues. Is that crazy?

Am I crazy? No, I actually heard all. Oh, shit. Your small friend speaks loudly. Kind of stage whispers. Now, Porthos and Mike, I have to ask. Yes. You mentioned the creator.

The sovereign architect. The sovereign architect. It was the one that, is the sovereign architect the one that actually bid you to guard this tomb? Or was it someone else who said, please stand guard and let no one in? The craftsman who manufactured the entirety of this crypt. Oh, interesting. Well, it was a guy that talked to him. Hey!

I mean, if we're being 100% honest. This is a classic situation. Two guards. One has always lied to and one has always told the truth to. Now you see what I have to put up with. You guys, has it just been you two down here for eight million years? Do you see anybody else? No.

So long. All right. Well, I don't know if we're going to get in this tomb today or not. You're not? Is this going to be like a season long thing where we keep trying to get into this tomb like for a hundred episodes? I'll tell you what, I will crack this tomb. We'll crack the door and you can look in the crack. You can look in the crack.

Deal. No, don't inhale deeply. Okay. No, that's super important. The funk of a thousand years. Great album title. A thousand years? Well, that's the last time it was clean.

Yeah. We have a service. It's a millennial service. Yeah. So they come in and they do the whole thing. Yeah, and we don't ask. When it comes in, are you ever like the night before you're like, shit, I got to clean up this tube a little bit before the service comes in.

I feel so awkward, yes. You know how it is, but we cannot leave these diocese. Yeah, you're like, I'm not hovering. I'm a statue. Oh, we have physical form to be certain. Yeah, okay. All right. I'm going to get down on the ground.

So if you open the door just a little bit, I can kind of get a little peeky peek. Take a looky loop. All right. Okay. It's already what he's hard to see. So dusty. Don't tell us because, but also do tell us. Is it weird?

I like it when they're looking in there. Oh, it's very nice. Why does it feel good? There's a threshold I feel as being crossed. There's a violation. I don't want them to. Stop looking. I'm gonna open it a little more. Oh, mm-hmm.

Ah, crap. It's two more statues just like these two. There's another set of statues and another door. Yeah, just like these two. But less handsome, I assume. What are your names? Michael. Oh, he's arm. Two birds. Two birds.

Shut the door. Shut the door. Shut the door. Branch. I'm not answering your fucking riddle. Well, Porthos, Mike, or I guess I should say Mike and Porthos, because Mike, if you're technically statue one. I am the older brother. Well, no, that's, there's no reason to stand on ceremony, to be sure. Yeah, but Mike is older.

Significantly. Well, yes, but we're both eight million years old. There's certain... And a second. Yeah, he's always going to be one second older than you, no matter what you do. Guys, would you mind before we leave, on my world we have a thing called email. It's just like messages.

Like, would you mind answering a message from another world along with us? Imagine a bird that has a message tied to its leg, but there's a hundred of them and you never delete them. Yes, yes, I can imagine that. Show me this bird. Where's the bird? Okay, so listeners, you can email us at Magic Tavern at Puppies. That supplies is a real email address.

or you can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and you can message us there. Here's one. This is actually, this is an email from quite a long time ago that it somehow bubbled up. And so I don't even know if this listener still listens, but this one sort of tickled me. The subject line is, my son has two buttholes. It says, hello, chunt, Usador, and Arny, I guess. Oh, that's not nice. I am an unwed mother.

My baby boy River has what I thought. was a dimple at the top of his crack. It looks like a second butthole. Now I'm thinking he must be a wizard. How can I help him develop his powers and defeat the Dark Lord with love, Bridget of Banner Elk? Well, eight million years ago,

it should be said that two buttholes would have been considered the minimum. Oh. Oh. Absolutely. Most people would not have left their home without four. Absolutely not. You're giving chunt ideas.

Now, let us consult. with this sorcerer. Oh, I'm so sorry. Usador is a wizard, and he's real touchy about whether he's like a sorcerer. Ah, yes, that makes sense. Sorcers are stupid meatbags that have to learn magic.

I was born into this world as a wizard. Let us consult with this learned sage. All right, fine. What is the proper amount of buttholes? Now, young chunt. Yeah? How many buttholes have you brought with us?

down into this crypt. Well, I'm pleased to say I have two, good sirs. Took a little work, but he got there. Mike, yes. What did I say when they came down our wicked stare? I said, now this is a creature with a reasonable number of buttholes. Well, I also have two buttholes. Famously, all wizards do.

Unfortunately, I'm the only one here with just one butthole. Get out. Death! Their eyes are glowing red. Quick, run. We have to get away. Quick. Death.

Our sacred graves. Raise it right. Cut them now. Oh, their arm's shell off. Don't worry about that. Those statues are falling apart. We're still very dangerous. Quite deadly.

Oh. What happened to blood for gold? Oh, yeah. We got a lot of blood. Your Majesty, I'm considering having the archaeologist cover the tomb back up. What do you think? Yeah, just totally seal it up. But you know what?

But leave a little door. so if we want to come back in a year or so and just catch up and see how they're doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like once a year we'll check in and sort of see if there's any new developments. Did we try saying, please? Oh, fuck.

Mother fuck. Next time. Next time. Big enough. That's right, kids. Please, the most magical phrase of all. Right after cease and desist. Usudel the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chontha Talking Badger was played by Adrol Rofi. The statue guards, Porthos, Mike were played by special guest Jerry Holkins and Mike Krahulik. Jerry and Mike are the writer and artist respectively for the webcomic Penny Arcade, co-founders of the PACS gaming conventions, and much more. To learn about those things and their long-running D&D actual play series, Acquisitions Incorporated, visit pennyarcade.com. And speaking of PACS, Arnie will be appearing at PACS West in Seattle this upcoming weekend, the weekend of September 4th, to promote the upcoming Jackbox Party Pack 12. If you're going to be at Pax West, Arnie wouldn't tell you this, but his favorite

thing is when you stare at him from across a crowded room. And if he makes eye contact with you, point at him. Just point. If you want to delight Arnie, do that for hours. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode. A behind the tavern where Ross Bryant, voice of the Soul Walker, talks about improv, horror, Shakespeare, and more. Here's a clip. I love improvising with Kevin so much, and when I moved away from Chicago, I was like, oh, goodbye, goodbye, sweet prince. And it was really, really lovely to just, like,

ride the Seretta train for a little while, too. Before we run out of time, this isn't matter. Tavin related, but am I wrong? Did you perform on Wilden Out? Yes, I did. I was on one season of Wilden Out. How is that? Pretty weird. I bet.

It's fun and weird. Weird as hell. We all talked about how like we all got started improvising in like, you know, college grad school in the 2000s or 90s. And all this probably started with the same dream that one day I would like to be doing short form improv with walk a flock of flame. And only you achieve that dream. Not to brag, but I got to live that dream.

Well, so far. So far. Yeah, that's right. The nice thing about pulling back the curtain is you can then return the curtain to right where it was, allowing things to remain mysterious. To hear the rest and learn more about hearing special secret episodes and supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello for the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adder Rofi.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.