Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 6, Ep 4 - Knight Applicant (w/ Gianmarco Soresi)

Episode Date: September 7, 2026

Nicolo Pastasmith is looking for a job as a knight... but may just want to get away from his family.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungNicolo Pastasmith: Gianmarco SoresiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandWatch Gianmarco’s New Crowd Work Stand Up Special!New T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Gustavo Sorola, and if you love D&D-style adventures full of humor and heart, you should check out Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Tales from the Stinky Dragon is a cinematic listening experience complete with guest performances from professional voice actors and comedians, immersive sound design, and its own musical score. Go on a thrilling journey with four friends and me, Gus, their very patient, dungeon master, as we stumble through disastrous dice rolls, questionable role play decisions, and even a few wholesome feel-good moments along the way. You can binge our first two campaigns or join us every other week for our latest third campaign.

No matter where you decide to start listening, you're guaranteed to have a side-sense, splitting journey that's fun for all ages and perfect for both D&D veterans and newcomers alike. Just search for Talesman of Stinky Dragon wherever you listen to podcast and subscribe today. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Not at all. If you're looking for a painstakingly accurate, carefully researched podcast, Radio Lab is just around the corner. Wait, no, the public restrooms are just around the corner.

Radio Lab must be just around the corner and down one block. No, that's where the big recycling bin is. Where is Radio Lab? Oh, those rascals. I love how they take a popular news story and then fix it with one billion sound bites and sound effects. It's like they finally manage to make listening an uphill battle. Anyway, if you want that, they're out there somewhere. If you want this, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp, the interim king of the Northeast. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. 11 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the fantastical, magical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast, chronicling my adventures in the magical land of food. Recently, I accidentally became king of the Northeast, but don't worry, I'm just going to be an interim king until I can find a better one. I am joined, as always, by my good buddy.

He's an adorable little badger. He's head of the Kingsguard. He's got a great little sword. Shunt the talking badger. Beat D-D-D-D-D-D-D-U. A little sword here. All hail Arnie and E. King, of course. Thank you, Arne.

How you doing, buddy? I'm doing okay. I'm doing all right. You know, there's so much that's asked of me as king, so I'm really looking forward to finding, like, a better king to protect the kingdom. Oh, sure. Yeah, it's just sort of passed the duties on. to them. Listen, real quick, let me pull out my little pat of paper here.

We have some envoys coming soon. Like trucks? I don't know what those are. Let me write that down so I can look into that. Thank you so much, my liege. Envoys from House Nightwine and House Salt Wound. Nightwine and Salt Wound? That's correct. And they want to see your magical stick. Already a lot of people want to see that magical stick. Okay. And to be clear, listeners, that's not a euphemism. I have a magic stick that keeps everyone in Northeast E is safe.

That's kind of the only reason that I am the king right now. Although, wait, oh, although I probably should double check. That is what they're talking about when they say my magical stick, right? I believe so. That's what the letter said. But we should prepare the castle for, you know, for company. Sure. John, how to house night wine and house salt wound?

How do they get along? With each other? Yeah, they feel like they don't mix. They're like wine and salt. Yeah, terribly, terribly. A lot of bad blood, a lot of bad. blood. Oh, okay. Yeah. Arnie, actually most houses

in Foon are just do not get along with one another. Oh, long histories, long histories, yeah. Oh. Betrayal, marriage, divorce, side pieces, etc. In that order? Yeah, it's pretty sloppy. Betrayal, then marriage, then divorce, then side pieces. Wow. That real estate deals.

Yes. I am also joined by my other co-host. He is the head wizard in the kingdom. Use it or the blue. I am Musador, Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights. Devire of chaos, champion of the great halls of Taracas. The elves know me as Fianelik, the dwarves know me as Zonan Hook Stangis. And I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmuinius Mastar.

And I am the first court-appointed magician of the court of King Arnie the First. How you doing, bud? I am very well today. I have some exciting news for you, Arnie. It's time to hire the king's personal bodyguard. Yes, chunt is the head of your king's guard, but we need to find a knight, a knight so stalwart and brave

that they would be willing to die for you at any second, that if a thousand knives were being thrown at you, they would surely capture 99 of them, and one would like nick you on the chin, giving you a very cool scar. The precision of that seems very difficult to pull off. Well, that's why we're going to interview people. I mean, we're not going to just take the first person who walks in here.

Chunt said he didn't want to do it, right? Chon? I mean, here's the thing. If I still have my magical abilities, I would be all over this. Like, for real, all over this. But, Arne, I just can't. 99 knives? I can't do that anymore.

Three, maybe. Three, maybe. Yeah. Okay, maybe I do need someone a little better to guard me. And also, I just love the idea of gathering a collection of nights. Maybe we'll get a big tag. table that they'll sit around. Oh, like a star-shaped table, something where they can kind of see each other because they're all kind of like at different weird angles.

Or like a rhombus, aren't you? A rhombus table. I don't even know which shape that is, but maybe. We'll figure all that out. Why don't we bring in one of these knights that we're interested in interviewing for the position? Very well. You, sir knight, please, join us here at the table. Uh, hello, hello. Gentlemen, thank you. Thank you for gracing me with time to present myself.

Oh, job. Of course. It is our pleasure. Please, uh, introduce yourself and, and let us know of many of your great feats. Yes, my many feats. My name is Niccolo, Niccolo Pasta Smith. I am, to be honest with you, um, I, I was going to, I was going to lie about my many, many strengths, But this is just, I really, I need a job right now.

Oh, sure. And I have a, there's a family situation going on and I need to provide. And I, I was listening in a little bit. You know, you need someone willing to put their life in the line for you. By the way, congrats on the king. Oh, thank you. And to be honest with you, I think I'm ready to sacrifice myself. Should it be needed, I think, honestly, my life's a mess.

So that might be best case scenario. But whatever it is, I'm ready to take a sword, a dagger, a dragon flame, a wizard's spell. It would put me out of my misery. So I do feel qualified in that sense. How interesting. There's a lot of pros and a lot of cons here. I don't love the fact that you were spying, but I do love attention. So I don't know.

Like, that's sort of a mix, a mix for me. Well, attention is what you're going to need. And if you hire me, I'll use the spying on other people. So, perfect. Todd becomes a pro. Yes. I mean, I think categorizing it as spying might be a little bit difficult. He was standing at the front of the line of nights right by the table.

I guess we are speaking into a microphone, like at the front of this room. Right. Maybe it's not spying. I wasn't going to correct you, but please, whatever you want to call it. But that's still a wonderful skill. Good night. One more time with the name. Let me just write this down on a scroll.

Niccolo? Niccolo. Pasta Smith. Oh, I love that. Niccolo, I'm sorry to cry. It's just part of the interview process. But you said there's a family situation? Are the pasta smiths in some sort of danger?

Shall we send you, good sir, knight, and myself the great wizard, and our head, Kingsguard, shunt, to vanquish some dragon plaguing your family? Well, that's one way to describe my father. But I, you know, I try, I don't advertise it per se, but my family, the, the, the, the pasta Smith family, we make pasta. Oh, that's right. I wouldn't have guessed that. Yeah, yeah. You know, it's, it's the whole family tradition, not really my thing.

Sure. But my, my father has used his many skills in the kitchen to seduce. many, many, many women from my home city. And basically, I have a lot of half-siblings to feed back home. And my father's, you know, somehow, despite being a pasta maker, there never seems to be pasta at home for the family. So it's kind of on me, I'm the oldest, to just get a job, or take a sword to the face.

One or the other. Again, fine with either option. Wait, are you one of the pasta smiths of Pastaton? And Niccolo, we're going to pepper you with questions. You just say when. Yeah, I am of who you speak. Again, it's a heavy legacy to wear. And I just have never been into pasta.

I'm trying to watch my carbon take, and it is very hard. It is very hard when that's all your father has made your entire life. Well, your father is a famous pasta maker all over the land of food, well known for his, for his Bucatini. his paparadel and incredible delicious food that he creates and is also well known for spreading his seed all over the land. Of course I've heard of Luigi Pasta Smith. Yes, Luigi Pasta Smith, or as I call him, Dad. He's very well known. He's invented a lot of the pasta, as you know. I'm really trying to pivot

away from that. I'm thinking about changing my last name because people just, people hear Pasta. I get it. They think pasta. So I'm thinking about it. Yeah, just looking at you, I'm getting so hungry. I'm getting so hungry. And your armor sort of reflects, it feels like your shingards are like little

Nyokis, and it looks like you have a raviolo sort of chest plate. Like, it looks like the armor is, this is like a family heirloom? Unfortunately, it's kind of a branded thing. We were trying, you know, the factory's gotten so big. We have kind of, we have a security force and

And to be honest with you, I just borrowed whatever I could find. That's, as you can see, the chest plate is a little bit too small. But I figured that if I got the job, I imagine you have your own suit of armor or please. Oh, yes. We could supply you with a new armor. We can swap in your spaghetti sword for a real sword. Yes, it's not a very good weapon at all. It breaks immediately.

You do look like walking macaroni art that a kindergartner would make. Yes, it's not great armor per se. It's more an aesthetic choice, but I do worry this would not be very intimidating if anyone's trying to just throw hot water on me and break right through. Pardon my intrusion, but again, we're just interviewing you for this job. Please, it's a job interview. You don't have to apologize. I'm asking you for something. Of course, but this is a normal line of questioning for this sort of job. Have you tried talking to your father?

This is the father portion of the interview, just traditionally talking a lot about your dad. Yeah, I guess I try talking to him sometimes, but I just get so frustrated with him. It just feels like he doesn't listen to me. So when I say, dad, I don't want to make the ravioli this morning. I have other interests than pasta. He just goes like, all right, well, we can talk about when you're done making the ravioli. Yeah. Yeah, he's not, he's listening, but he's not hearing. Yes, that's a good way to put it.

Very, very insightful. Now, so I assume that you have cast off this pasta life, set out upon the world for a great adventure, found foes to banquish and lovers to bed, and have made a great name for yourself in the times that you've left the pasta making business. I guess that's my five-year plan, for sure. To be honest Whenever I've been so lucky to bring a A lass Around the factory My father, she swoops in

He swoops in And you know He's he's Luigi He's Luigi And I'm Niccolo Arnie it sounds like What do you call it when you tell us stories of earth It sounds like a John Favreau and chef situation

Yes Exactly as I remember it Yes a John Favreau and chef situation, where he makes pasta for Scarletch, Johantin, and Beds her? Yes, I think that happens. That doesn't sound right. You always tell the stories already.

Anyway, well, I suppose we should take a quick break and we'll come back in just a moment with Niccolo pasta smith. Oh, that's nice. I've never done a job of interview with a break. That's great. Yeah, well, just quick break. If you'll get up, stretch your legs, use all around. Yeah, yeah.

Tip your server. Nicola, I'm sorry we spent so much of this interview talking about your father. I'm sure you're tired of living in his pasta making, sex-having shadow. I'd be happy to talk about him for the next couple hours. I've never really analyzed this relationship, to be honest with you. I just have been suffering through it immensely. Oh, Nicola's sort of laying down on the, this little couch here, okay. Is that okay? Is that fine?

I'm just, I took the armor off. I'm just, I just want to chill for a second. And there are some tissues there just in case. you need them. Do you have any just going to sound so stereotypical. Do you have any pasta? Here, Dr. Pants, please go get some pasta.

You know what? Also, while we talk, I'm going to have one of the servants go by the door and just make white noise. So if anyone's in the waiting area, they won't overhear what we're talking. Or red noise, whatever you prefer. So, your father, what's your earliest

memory of your father. My gosh, my earliest memory of my father. I remember him and my mom. This is before the divorce, obviously. They were sharing a bowl of pasta, and I had a moment where they thought that they were eating the same, you know, a strand. Strand. Yeah, I wasn't going to use the strand for the layman. The same strand of spaghetti. In fact, my father had set it up so that when he kept eating, it went to another table, and he kissed it. another woman. And this was again one of his new inventions. He thought it would be cute. My mom was furious. She flipped over the table. And that's, that's what I, that's my first memory was a table hitting me in the head. I wasn't wearing this linguine helmet. So it hurt.

That sounds hard. I, I just want you to know that, though these memories may be difficult for you, Now, you have a great purpose, put the foreton, to defend this incredible king. King Arnold I, did you know that he comes from another word? I had heard tell. But this world, what is it like? Is it different from ours? Oh, that's a good question. Thank you.

Do they have, do you know what pasta is? Have you heard, like, is this a foreign dish to you? Well, we do have pasta on my world and that has all kinds of great names that are very similar to some of the ones that you said actually now that I think about it. Like what? Tell me the. Well. All of them. All of them. Right now.

Yeah. All of. We have all of them. We got everything on my world. We also have, hmm, how do I explain this? You know how so much love and care goes into the making of the pasta on this world? On my world, you can just get it out of a can. Out of a can.

Yeah, out of a can. And then you kind of heat it up and it... Wait, hold, so they don't bring it to you on horseback? They don't bring it to you on horseback? No. You keep it in like a cupboard in your house. And then you forget that it's there. And then when you're too lazy to do something else,

you're like, I guess I'm going to open this can of pastaroni or chef boy or D or something like... Pasteroni. But then didn't you also say your favorite Italian restaurant is the Olive Garden in Times Square? Sure. Well, look. The Olive Garden, that sounds like paradise. Well, Artie, tell them about the magical bread basket. Well, they have endless breadsticks. From a wizard.

Well, I mean, I don't. In truth, I think it's that the breadsticks are just cheaper to make than everything else. Why don't they use this to feed the world? A basket of endless breadsticks. That's a good point, Arnie. Why is there so much hunger on your world? world if they have endless breadsticks. Do the starving people not like Italian?

A lot of people don't like Olive Garden, if I'm being honest, but I'm sure that that doesn't have anything to do with the... I've never really interrogated the ethics of Olive Garden. Why do you not like it? When you're there, do you feel like a stranger? Here's the thing. You're not going to believe this. It's the exact opposite. When you're there, your

family. Oh, and then you get angry because your father's sleeping with someone. That's what I was wondering. That sounds like a nightmare. I would like to go to a place where I'm a pure stranger. I don't know one there, that's my family. Yeah. I will say the Olive Garden and Times Square, you probably do hear people angry about that a lot. Like people are you like, why are you sleeping with people? My dad would love it there. Niccolo, what's your relationship like with your mother now? Is she still in the picture at all?

She's there, to be honest. I get along with her, but she kind of reacted so poorly to my father and his pasta making that the food's terrible. Her problem is the pasta making? Not the affairs. Not the affair. I mean, she just, it's clear that my dad was the one who had the pasta making skills. My mom, more in marketing. And marketing does not a good meal make. Sure.

So, so I, you know, it's unfortunate that's gone in the way of our relationship. But she's dating. She's dating. Oh, that's good. Yeah. I mean, I, you know, I'd like to separate if I get this job, I don't assume. But, but I, you know, please don't hit on my mother. Oh.

Well, we'll see. No, no. Yeah, no promises. Is she, could you draw us a picture of her or anything? I keep one in my pocket. Okay. Oh. Oh.

Okay. What the hell? Oh. Listen, she's, she's, I don't mean to offend. She's strictly into human beings. No offense. No offense. Oh, fuck.

She's in marketing? That's the hottest woman I've ever seen. That's really? Yeah. And she's in marketing. Although, did she draw this herself? If she's in marketing. Did she draw this herself?

I feel embarrassed. I drew her and now I feel kind of... I didn't need to draw her this sexily. You drew this. Yeah. That look in her eye? You drew that. What look in her eye?

It's just a circle and a dot. I mean, it's a crude drawing, but there's a... There's just a pent-up sexuality in this crude drawing. No, no. You're adding that. This is a sweet drawing of almost... borderline asexual woman. Look at the curve of that triangle-shaped

dress, I don't know. She's pouring olive oil on herself. I mean, am I crazy? Nicole, trust me, it doesn't take much to get these two going, so you've done nothing wrong here. Thank you. That really creeped me out. Yes, she's pouring olive oil

on herself. That's, how do you, babe? That's probably good for the skin, I guess. Oh, yeah, it keeps it very supple. Well, I Now, let's move on to the portion of the interview where we talk a little bit more about what you plan to do as a night. So how are your sword skills, for instance? Well, I have, as I said, I have a lot of younger, have siblings.

So I would say I've used a broomstick on mostly unarmed children. And in terms of like, you know, I asked on the way here to be honest, I was like, oh, I might as well pick up. a sword once before I go to the interview to defend the king. They're heavy. They're heavy. They're way heavier than a broomstick with the brush part taken off. So I can figure it out. I think it's

about momentum. If I can get a running start, I can get a good swing in there. We have some swords here if you would like to kind of just like practice with one. Fingers crossed on the natural. Let's find out together. Do you mind getting something from the armory? Of course, of course. Also, here is your penny from the kitchen.

Here you go. And let me just bring out some of the swords here. Thank you. Okay, here is a cloth with three different swords laid out if you want to pick one. Oh, well, I just ate all this penny. Oh, yes. Yeah, you should fight. So fast.

I feel conflicted. I want to really do well in this interview. I mean, I can stop eating, but then it's going to be cold. No, no, no, it's fine. You're so skinny. You're so skinny, eat, eat, eat. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Why don't you come around more often?

You should get married. Why are you married? Why am I not married? Yes. Why are you not married? I'm not really a very appealing prospect right now. I have no job. My father is a serial adulterer.

I don't speak to my mother. I apparently am sexually attracted to her. So it's tough. It's been tough to kind of get out. there. Sure. But with the job, who knows? Who knows?

Also, everyone in your village is probably related to you. Yeah, but it's just half. Sure. Yeah, it's just half on it. Yeah. Do you hasn't have any drawings of like average woman in the village maybe? Uh, let's see. Let me, I got, oh, here's one.

This is, uh, this is our neighbor. What there's so much? Whoa. It's the hottest woman I've ever seen. It's hotter than my mom? Well, that's maybe a dead heat. That's both pretty attractive. I'm not going to lie.

Well, look, let's move on from the sword part of this. And let's do some other nightly things. How are your horseback riding skills? Horseback riding skills, they are pretty strong from all the pasta delivery. And oftentimes, my father, you know, he goes to deliver the pasta. And then, you know, it takes a couple of minutes too long. He comes running out. He says, go, go, go.

He's home. He's home. and I got to get that horse moving. And of course, we're dragging along the pots of boiling water. I'm sure that's how they do it where you're from, Arnie. You're cooking the pasta on the horse ride? You're cooking fresh pasta, honey. How else would you do it?

People do it wrong. I don't want to be judgy. This Pene is the worst thing I've ever tasted in my entire life. Get this out of here. Get it out. Thank you. Sucks it you ate the whole thing before you. said that?

Well, I had to be sure. I couldn't believe it. And it got real good at the bottom. Listen, maybe this is my mother coming out, but you really got to try pasta-smith pasta because you're missing out, Arnie. And the king, a king

should have better food than that crap, you know? I'll bring it over myself. Oh, thank you. That would be great. That would be wonderful. Yeah. That's one There don't seem to be many women here, so I don't think my father will cause any trouble. Oh, don't worry. He will. That's one positive.

You've excellent horse riding skills, equestrian. Okay. Yes. What about, have you earned any titles as a knight? Do you ever serve as a squire to learn the ways of the night? I've seen knights from afar. Okay. I've certainly on the way in here, I, um, listen, some of it's going to be figuring out on the job.

Okay. But, but I just, I really do think I'm willing to sacrifice myself. And I think you're going to get a lot of nights with a lot of skills, but they value their lives. I don't value my life at all. Sure. And I think that's a big plus for what, what you want. Yeah. Maybe.

At this point in the conversation, you know, we've had a sort of like slightly therapyizing tone. You know, I'm like legally bound to sort of report that you've expressed them. You're the king. You can make whatever law you want. I guess that's true. I guess I'm just saying that you've expressed some sort of suicidal ideation that I feel like we should at least dig into a little bit. Sure.

I think that's what makes me qualified to be your guard. I guess that's true. Do you want someone who comes in and says, oh, I love life. Please don't kill me. That's true. That's a great point. Well, I'm going to be honest, Nicola. I think it's a balance.

I think it's a balance of fighting to protect life and being willing to take a heroic stance and look down the barrow of evil and say, nay, not today, evil, you shan't win. You may take mine life, but you shall not take the life of my liege. I, this King Arnold shall stand for a thousand years. Well, we're on the same page with the take

mine life. Could you look down the barrel and say, fine. And in that moment, you flee. Yeah. You could say, take mine wife. You could say take mine life, please. Well, now I'm going to have to therapy as you. What was that? Take my wife. Is everything okay with you? Sorry. Well, I don't like that. I don't really talk about it on the podcast, but back on earth, I did, you know, I did go through a divorce. But I try to keep my personal life outside of the podcast. Listen, everyone tries, but ultimately they all capitulate. So tell, you had a divorce. That's, listen, you're talking to the right guy.

This, it's, divorce is tough. Yeah. On the children, you get hit in the head by a table. Yeah. You know what, well, why don't we, why don't we take a quick break? And would you be up for doing a little role playing about some of the things that a knight might have to do? I, that's, that's what I'm here. Let's do it.

Okay, perfect. Chunt. Since you were like, you know, the head knight here, you're the, head of the Kingsguard. Would you mind sort of role-playing with Niccolo a little bit about some of the situations he might be in as a knight? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Okay, I got this.

Okay. And I can play any swing characters. So if you need like a troll or a dragon. Swinging a character. Yes. Could you be like a tree? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got that. Okay, so I'll be hiding behind the tree. Snickleon. Niccolo, if you could just kind of approach this tree here.

Do you want to pick up one of the swords? And pay no attention to this tree, but a normal tree, not magical in any way, though its branches raise high into this air. Usador? Hey, Usador. Yes. You're just a non-talking tree? Not a non-talking tree. Yeah, so in this role, you just, yeah, just arms up, you're a tree.

What's my motivation? Grow more roots. Grow more roots, okay. Yeah, okay. Just so you know, in that scenario, if a tree was talking, I was ready to attack him. Just putting out there. Good, good, good. I'm very suspicious.

Any vegetation that starts speaking, I'm ready to go. Good, perfect, great. In the kitchen, that's a lifesaver. Okay, so you're approaching the tree, and then I pop out. Ha-ha! Give me your king. I'm going to eat your king. Take my life.

What? Come on, come on, man. What are you doing? Take my life. Back up, back up, back up. Back up. Okay, okay, okay. Hey, he's kind of

He's kind of He's trying to entail yourself. He's trying to Don't impale yourself on my sword. We can top through this. I don't. Please just put me out of my misery. Take me instead of the king.

What? Who are you? Are you someone? Are you a prince? Are you? Nicola Pasta Smith, please don't ask about it. Just, just do it.

Can I see a picture of your mother or drawing of your mother? Yes, yes. Here's a picture of my mom. And see, great. Ooh, okay. Wow, that was intense. I didn't hesitate to put my life on the line.

Yeah. I actually started growing my feet into the ground. You saw crushed it. You crushed it. Great job. You did a great job. You did a great job. You started.

Already, how'd you feel? I feel like, you know, my character, who is trying to capture you, was really thrown by the fact that Niccolo is just sort of, like, really rushed, really rushed the quarterback. Yeah. I mean, I got to say, I do appreciate that he turns his weak. is into strengths. Like he, he could kind of run, run an intruder off pretty fast with his sort of,

his neediness to be stabbed. Can I tell you, I had an idea. Again, I'm really learning on the job here. But this picture of my mom, it's kind of a weapon in and of itself. It's a tool of distraction.

I did drop my sword. Yeah, I did drop my sword. Yeah, it was, as much as I don't love, just putting it out there, don't love leaning on my mother's sexuality for work purposes. I've always said that.

That's a rule of mine. Not for work. Not for work. It was on your resume under special skills, we see. Willing to shave and don't want to use my mom as sexualized, etc., etc. Yeah, I added a please don't in my special skills. It's just, I didn't know where else to put it. Skills that I have, but I don't want to utilize, basically, section of your resume.

Yeah. So maybe, again, someone's attacking you. You know, first I take a picture of my mom. That distracts them. And then if they are over it or maybe they're not attracted to women, then

they could kill me. And then you're next on the chain, but that's two things to run away. That brings up a very good point. Not everyone is attracted to women. Do you happen to have a picture of your father? Yeah, of course. Just give me a second. I

keep it in a special case. This one's pretty, I gotta unfold it all. There it is. Oh, fuck. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, it's the hottest man I've ever seen. I thought that scroll was so long because he was tall, but no, it was, it's the other direction. Oh, salt me daddy. Oh, Papa, Papa pasta. Oh, my gosh. I didn't know. Both, all three of you, bisexual, that's great. I think that's a, that's.

I'm just an art lover. I just appreciate art. Mm-hmm. That's what they all. all say in the beginning. I, so now, so maybe if someone comes, attacks the castle, I shout out, wait,

are ye gay, straighter, both? And then depending on how they answer, I pick which drawing, then again, if they get over that, distracted, I sacrifice myself, you run away. Yeah, or they'll yell back, like, you can't ask me that, and that's just more time

for me to get away. More time. I'm here to give you time to flee. Yeah. Now, this may seem like a random question that doesn't belong in this interview, but do you happen to have a picture you've already drawn of a Pegasus? Yeah, I do. That's what the satchel is,

basically. It's mostly drawings. It's just something I do for like a hobby. There's like paper spilling out of all of your pockets and out of the satchel. I can't tell you the world's most incredible artist or if everything and everyone around you is just unbelievably hot. Well, I

like to think it's a skill, you know, but actually I realized, I was looking for the Pegasus, it's turned the resume around. You'll see the Pegas right there. Oh, peg my ass. Wow. Wow. Yeah. That's a sexy Pegasus. Oh, yeah. Your Majesty,

I must beg an audience with you. This, Niccolo, is incredibly talented artist, able to make anything and the most beautiful and desirable creature one is air seen could be a waste to

put him the role. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. If you're a personal bodyguard, you should hire him to paint your portrait. Oh, yeah. Hold on. I don't know if I need like a powerfully erotic portrait of me. Although, do I, I don't know. Do I run away from that side of myself?

Maybe I'd like to see that. I'm not going for powerfully erotic. I'm just drawing what I see. And I mean, I could try. I, you know, I have some extra paper here. I could give it a go right now. Could you do a quick sketch of, of the king and see what we get?

Yeah. Absolutely. It's all starting to make sense. Niccolo, you have a strained relationship with your family. You don't really like any other skills. You are depressed. That's true. I think you're an artist.

I think your calling is as an artist. All right. Well, let's see. Let me put the finishing. And apologies for Arnie saying you have a strained relationship with your family. Oh, that's right. I didn't mean that. A bit insulting.

And also. While Nicola was here painting your portrait, you could paint portraits year after year, day after day, could be a constant source of income for you. But also, if someone were to attack you, could still serve as a bodyguard. Take that sword, just like you did before. Arnie, do you, King Arne, forgive me, would you like to be dressed as you are now or in the nude like the one of my father? Huh. How about I'm wearing pants but no shirt? Okay.

Maybe on a skateboard sunglasses? Ooh, on a skate, oh, I'm trying, how would I describe a skateboard? I'm standing on a plank of wood that has wheels on it for some reason and I'm wearing, I'm wearing like a mask over just my eyes that makes me look cool.

Great. Can you describe your nipples from me? Hmm. No. Or just show? I would say, no, I would say normal size, but if you've ever seen a live show, a little too pokey. Just a little, they just,

poke out a little too much. All right, all right. So like my mom's. And here we go. All right, are you ready? I think so. All right. Boing.

Wow. Hocci. Bokchi. Holy cow. That's the me I want to be. Your majesty. You must hire this individual. They are perfect to become your artist and bodyguard.

No, you know what? You know what I want to do? I don't want to waste you on dying. And I don't want to waste you in a certain job that isn't your calling. Look, I, as a king, you know, we have coffers. We have money. I want to be a patron of the arts in the same way that listeners of this show can sponsor this show by joining our Patreon at patreon. At patreon.com slash magic tavern.

Smooth. Oh, do you make sexy portraits of your listeners as well? Oh, hmm. I guess we should start. We're thinking about starting a new tier for that. Yeah, we'll figure that out. We'll figure that out on the Discord. There'll be a lot of discussion on the Discord if our patrons want that.

But Niccolo, what kind of money would it take to sort of set you up to just make art for, I don't know, the next couple of years? My therapy bills are quite expensive. Sure. Yeah. So it's going to be a couple, what does my therapist take again? They accept rubies. Probably gold. Ruby's, okay.

rupees gold cash app. So I'd say just 20 whatever's a day. And don't feed me any of that terrible pasta. I really, the food has to be a little better. But then 20 whatever's, you pick the unit, and I'm sure I can work it out. Great. Also an artist. Barely understands money.

Clearly an artist. Your Majesty, have you set on a new currency for your reign as king? Are they going to be called duckets or... Arnie E. Coins or something? Orney E. Coins or, yeah. I could draw the picture to put onto the coinage. Oh, my gosh. We'll call it fuck money.

Don't know how... Arnie. Arnie, fuck money. No. Fuck money has a nice ring to it. Fuck money. But here's the thing. I will say, like, ethically, I feel like a leader should never want to put their own name or image on their own currency.

Thank you. The idea of a sexy picture of myself on the... coin? Like not too sexy. Do you want to do my my father and mother? We could just do coins with my father and mother on it. Okay. You've got to

your father and mother are so foregrounded in your mind. I know we've asked you a lot of questions about them. But still. You did bring it up a lot. Now I feel kind of accused like we didn't talk. You didn't ask me 20 questions about it. Did we bring it up? You seem so interested. I thought put them on the coins and as I

remember it, I was sort of like, what are your skills? And you talked about your dad and your mom for like 40 minutes. I just think if they were on coins, that would probably be the only way I could have them together with me. Oh, oh my gosh, it's so sad. That's the saddest short story I've ever heard was what he just said.

But will we still call it fuck money then? Yes. Fuck box. Fuck bucks. Fuck money. Fuck box. Fuckets. Fuckets. Let's, Arney, fuck it's. Let's, come on. It could just even be a limited

edition coin. Okay. We're, we're Pretty much out of time, but let's only do like 20 or 30 more names of this money. Okay. Fuckies. Fuckies. Yeah. Yen. L-E-E-R-A.

Oh, like you're leering at it. I see. Fuck pounds. Fuck pounds. Goon lunes. Arnie, do you have a couple, right? Nope. I don't know why I asked everybody.

Okay, okay. That's what I have that. Canadian fucks? Well, congratulations, Nick. I'm joining our court. You are now the official court artist under the first king, Arnold, and I...

Arnie. It's Arne. It's Arne. Duff my cap to me. And if any of you want a drawing of you, I will make it, but I just want to reiterate, it's not supposed to be erotic. It's just supposed to be you. You're adding it. It's not me, it's you.

Now, this will be the real test. Once you paint all of our portraits and the entire court's portraits, if any of them aren't sexy, you know something's wrong. with that one. Once again, you're adding everything to it. I'm just doing a regular

a regular drawing. Okay. Okay. I'm just saying you have a highly erotic lens on your art. Very beautiful. It's gorgeous. Your artwork is impeccable. You should be very proud. Sure. I honestly think I could draw a

square and you'd be attracted to it. Try it. Give it a try. Okay. What do the nipples look like? There's four, one at each corner. Pepperoni-sized. Great. Not the ariolas, the nipples. Here we go.

Wow. Oh, fuck that square. Oh, my God. You know what? I'm starting to realize it's an us thing. We've got a problem. Hardy, we've got to get girlfriends this season. I guess that's a season arc.

Oh, I can spoil that story arc for you right now. They do not get girlfriends. Because I'm here to protect the barrier between worlds and stop those three from bothering the ladies, and I'm all out of dimensions to protect, especially since there's only one. Usadol the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Jump the Talking Badger was played by Adderl Rify. Niccolo Pasta Smith was played by special guest, John Marco Soraci. Check out John Marco's podcast The Downside, his current stand-up tour, and his new hour-long crowd work special he don't miss, available on YouTube. To learn more about all of that and more, visit John Marcosoraci

or follow him on socials. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. And there's a quarterly meet and greet with supporters as well. Don't worry, I never get invited. Here's a clip from the most recent one two weeks ago.

Batch be tripping. You are our next guest, Mal with you. Hey, how are you? Good. I'm Batch. The pronouns that spark joy are he, him, they, them. And I consent to being recorded and I consent to you entering my nightmares or dreams, whichever. It's cool. Oh, finally. Yes. Yes. The next really scary dream you have that is not like, no, you know what? I'm not even going to go further down this bad. I was going to say, whatever scary dream you have is us. But I don't. I don't know. I don't want that to be the case. My scariest dream, I was being, it was like Penny Wise and Rodney Dangerfield. They were trying to get me in their old Lincoln with them.

Oh, wait. That's us. Yeah, that is us. Yeah. That's got us all over it. I can feel that. Thanks for being here tonight. Hey, we all float out here. Am I right? Yeah. So when I started listening, I didn't have a question. Take my child, please.

Yes, that was recorded. two weeks ago, and this is the first I'm hearing about it. To hear the rest, I'm sure it's a treat, and learn more about supporting the show. Visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adderl Ruffey. Any one of them could have invited me to the meet and greet, but chose not to. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Stefan Drainger. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern Theme by Andy Poland.