Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 6, Ep 5 - Zapper (w/ Mike O'Brien)

Episode Date: September 14, 2026

CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungVespa: Mike O’BrienMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. In the deepest reaches of space, in a darkness that light rarely touches. Far beyond the most distant nebula is, I'm pretty sure, is where I left my spare set of keys. Why did I leave them there? Was I running an errand? Anyway, if you're out that way, maybe keep an eye out. I know you tend to stick to your own planet, and believe me, on weekend nights,

I mostly stay at home too. Okay, I've put it off long enough. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. You may also know me as the king of the northeast now. If you've never listened to the podcast before,

this is everything you need to know. 11 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to record a podcast chronicling our adventures in the magical land of food. And somewhat recently, mostly this season so far, I have accidentally become king of the northeast.

But again, I am just the interim king until we find a better solution. I am joined, as always, by my co-host. He's head of the king's guard. He keeps me safe. Chunt the talking badger. Do do-do-do-do. Hey, love you, buddy. Love you.

Sorry, I'm a little frazzled. I'm putting out fires everywhere. But you got fires? Well, not literal fires. Terrible term. Terrible expression that you've introduced to foon. I don't know why that's an expression where you come from, but it is really confusing. No, the pumpkin monkeys have been, they've been sort of copulating and reproducing very quickly,

and they started pumpkin monkey fights, and now that's become a big thing. Huh. And so just remind me... I'm sorry to interrupt, but can we say pumpkins? This is wasting a lot of time. Pumpkeys? Yes, please. I don't hate it.

I don't hate pumpkins. Okay, well, that sounds very cute, but these fights are vicious. Oh, yeah. These are very brutal fights. A lot of people are losing a lot of money on these fights, myself included. These pumpkins... So remind me, you guys magically combined pumpkins and monkeys? Well, you should or did.

I don't want to be lumped in. Well, I don't want to take all the credit. You did give me the idea. You're like, we've got all these monkeys. It sounds like a chunt idea. It sounds like a chunt idea. Okay, yeah. It does, but it's going south quickly.

Literally, that's a terrible expression you introduced, Artie. They're still here in Northeastia. I don't know why you introduced that phrase to food. It's very confusing, but I'd say 50-50. You serve 50-50? 50-50. How many are in a fight at one time? Two.

That's the strength of six pumpkins. Yeah. So these are monkeys with pumpkin heads. heads. They're beating the shit out of each other. There's, there's just like monkey shit and pumpkin seeds everywhere. They're also learning. What are they learning to reproduce our own? You know, how to live, how to exist in the world that they never asked to be brought into.

Okay. The problem is, look, I don't know. Last week you said that the invoice from house night wine and house salt wound, I'm not sure if I said those correctly, are still coming to visit. Like, can we get this stuff cleaned up before they show? up. I'm going to, buddy, I'm going to try my best. I can't promise anything. And I know that Terrence Nightwine is a stickler for a clean castle. Oh, is he like, is there anything I should know about Terrence Nightwine? Like, look, listeners, I think Terrence Nightwine is still at least a

couple episodes away. But even still, John, is there anything I should know about Terrence Nightwine? Already a couple episodes away. Oh, we got to get the castle together. I know. It takes us so long to do anything. If we're going to clean this. this place, that'll take like 20 episodes. Those pumpkins gourd seeds everywhere. Yeah, and Arnie, that's the thing. That's how they're reproducing. Is they get into fights, their heads

explode, the seeds slip into a crack in the castle floor, suddenly there's ten more pumpkins. I don't even want to say what I was about to say. Do we have a guest? Do we have a guest for this episode? Oh, that's right. Usenor, didn't you say

that we had that guy with a zapper? Yes. Oh, yes, I was able to track down his magical signatures, for he is in the employ of those who I do not trust, so I thought I'd brought him here. You know, keep your friends close, but your enemy's closer. So I welcome here. Arnold. King Arnold I first.

Please be introduced to this zapper. Hi, sir, would you mind coming and sitting down at the king's table? Happy to you, yeah. What's up, guys? Hey. Welcome, welcome. Hey, man. I'm Vespa.

We refer to ourselves as Zappers, but I'm a prison camp disciplinary enforcement officer. But we're Zappers. We zap. We zap the ones that, you know, stop breaking rocks. A PCDEO, I hear. Hmm, all right. So VESPA, and I see you brought your Zapper with you, you have like a long rod with electricity on the end of it? That's right. Yeah. This is a Geneva 16, which is the more sought after,

you know, every morning there's kind of a race to try to get the 16 and now the Geneva 15. Sure. Because they're stronger. Main difference is that the 16 will make the prisoners crap and the 15 just kind of makes them, but yeah, this is a 16. She's a nice. model. It's got a nice hand grip. It's very comfortable. You got to hold it for about 16 hours a day, so that's important. 16 hour workday. Ooh, that's rough. You should consider maybe not being a prison guard for the people who employ you. Frankly, I kind of love the staff and I love my boss and I don't love zapping prisoners, but I am pretty happy because we have a really good time. There's a lot of like interpersonal like who's dating who and it's just oh yeah shenanigans a little bit of that yeah I would rather be out in the the dunes and rock piles I think then you know grinding away at a nine to five meeting yeah

yes now that Donnie's the king there are many meetings and we we oft work from even earlier than nine to later than five Arnold, are you tired of all your king meetings yet? Well, yeah. I mean, but I, you know, I nap during a lot of them. You know, it's being a king, I'm kind of allowed to get away with whatever I want to. And look, I'm not trying to take advantage of that, except for the fact I guess that I do nap during meetings. But Vespa, I'm just curious to hear more. So how did you start working at this rehabilitation camp?

Well, I'm not thrilled to say it, but, um, our prison camp does have a little bit of nepotism going and my uncle got me the job, he'd had it forever I don't know how he got it. I always grew up knowing that he

had this and yeah, then he hooked me up when I was like 18 and I decided to do this instead of college and ended up just having like a lot of fun and yeah it's not rocket science if you see a prisoner stop breaking rocks up into smaller.

So where I work, there's a ton of really big rocks. And that's a problem. And I don't exactly know how that's above my pay grade to know. You just know they're too big. They're definitely too big. And I agree with that. I can't break down the science of why. But they have to be broken up.

And so then we get these, you know, prisoners that are, usually they tried to overthrow a government or their planet or something, and they weren't successful. And so they're going to break up rocks until they grow old and die. And if they stop doing that or they complain or they, you know, scratch their nose or whatever, we give them a zap from the very impressive Geneva 16. Oh, wow. Now, how small do these rocks have to get before that? they're not too big anymore. That's a great question. That's not mine to determine.

There's a managerial group of kind of slugs who seem to be like, you know, time to move on in their language and then it gets passed on to me by Linda, my manager, and we say, you know, and there's

like a lighter zap you can do just to get people walking in a certain direction. Oh. Who speak different languages sometimes. And so, you zap them over towards another pile of big rocks. But I'm going to say they get them down to about, like, a rock you could throw over a hut. A rock you could throw over a hut.

Okay. I mean, so you'd wonder if that's the goal, if that's the problem with the big rocks, but I don't know why that would be needed. But yeah. So you don't know the purpose of the smaller rocks. Those aren't being used for some specific. You're not mining for some precious mineral or something. We never hold them off.

We never. And it's so funny. Don't even hold all them off. They're just there still. The small rocks? Once they're smaller, we just move around. It may be about raking the people's spirits, but I don't really, this is not the type of thing me and my coworkers talking about. We talk about who's dating who and, you know, and that kind of thing.

Yeah, don't live to work, work to live. It's that. And we have fun. We have a lot of fun on the weekends. And we all get together and it gets a little stupid. Linda too? Linda, too? Linda used to.

She was dating Craig, who's a zapper as well. But now, yeah, she's very high and mighty. But I love Linda. Whenever I see her, she always still nods. Yeah, Linda rules. But no, she hasn't been hanging with us. She hung with us for a couple years. And it was really amazing.

Like, I know, I know her personally. Yeah, I see. Oh, and so then she got promoted and things kind of changed a little bit. She's like second or third in command of the whole prison camp. Wow. Get it, Linda. And I think she should run it. I think she's so smart, so funny.

But, yeah, she, nowadays, no, it's just us zappers hanging and sharing stories and having fun. But, yeah, so we don't talk a lot about why they're breaking the rocks. But they do. they have each get like an old dusty sledgehammer they arrive dusty and they use those and they get them down to throw over hut size. I guess my big question is what would you like to see in the Geneva 17? Thanks, Sean. There's a couple.

I've jumped by the other. Yeah. there's a couple of things I would love to have. One is there's still kickback. It's still going to hurt your shoulder. And, you know, as I say this out loud, people are like, oh, what about how it's hurting them? But I didn't stop breaking up rocks and yet my shoulder.

There's kick. There's still kick in the 16. I can tell they were trying to figure that out, but they have not cracked that. I think more solid turds. Oh, from the receiver. The prisoners, it's funny, and we all talk about it a lot when you have a prisoner

and they poop, but it's not as funny if it's a looser poop. It's not as funny if it's a looser poop. It's not comedy poop. There's a difference between comedy poop and distressing poop. That's right. What I would love is just like a hard little turd. That would be funnier to me and just less to think about her and to watch and all that. And otherwise, yeah, I think that's the main thing. Also, I don't know if you guys talk to my slug overlords, but I really want my birthday off and they don't do birthdays. Oh, like culturally, is it just like they don't understand this concept of birthdays or they're just not into it? I got the impression that the main slug had like a bad thing happened that accidentally lined up on his birthday. Because they are very familiar with the term, but they say, well, we don't, and I'm like, it's coming up.

And I would just, I haven't asked for a day off in six years. But if I could get this, this will be my 25th birthday. I'd really love if I could get it off. You've been doing it since you were nine? Wait, let me. Yes. Hmm. All right.

Yeah, since I was nine. And anyway, I would love if... How many other of your coworkers are like, you know, under 10 years old? Oh, tons. There's a bunch of really fun, cool, hilarious coworkers of mine that are 7 to 10. and they're all over the place with the zappers. That's the one thing. You've got to be like, get that.

Don't point that at me, Tyler, or whatever. But yeah, a ton of kids and some older people. We always joke that it's like, well, we're also on this scorching prison camp forever to die. But we do get to go home at night, of course. And if you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, kiss them. And on the weekends, we turn it up. up a little bit, but my birthday is not on a weekend this year. It's on a Wednesday. Happy early birthday. Thank you. It's coming up. It's September 11th.

You'll be old enough to rent a horse now. That is a thing I hadn't even thought about, but yeah, I can rent a horse now. Yeah, because you run out of milestones after a while. But yeah, I can rent a horse and go wherever I can go within one weekend, be back on Monday to Zapp. Well, why don't we take a quick break? And then when we come back, you know, would it be crazy to do a demonstration with the zapper? Not at all. Yeah, let me see if I can find a person or animal to zap.

Not it. He was looking right at B. Vespa, before we take a look at your Zapper, I did want to ask, so I don't understand, do you live on the camp, near the camp? Like, what is your living situation like? So they've got sort of a structure of like dormitories for us and we live there. And I think that's kind of part of the fun of it. Like you go home and you're around all your coworkers. Some people wouldn't like that.

I like it because mine happen to be hilarious. And they're just, it's a ton of fun. It's a little bit of a mess. I mean, most of the weekdays that you get home, you're kind of, you're soaked and sweat. As you're going to see, the zappers shake you. Oh, sure. And so you're sore, you're banged up. Not like a failed rebel who's having to break up rocks, but pretty sore and you got a farmer's stand for sure.

Right, right. And so you get a long shower. So not a lot of hangouts during the week, but on the weekends, like I say, we get a little, we'll end up going up or down. But yeah, they put us up in this sort of dorm. there's sort of bars on the windows and everything. In some ways, it's its own prison, but... It's probably only necessary because there are prisoners in the same complex. It's not that you're a prisoner, but if a prisoner tried to break out and they got into your apartment,

and they're like, oh, there are no bars on these windows, I'll just slip right through. I think that's right. Yeah, it's not that you're a prisoner, right? Vespas, is that right? I don't, I'd like to think that it's about not letting them get in. But no, yeah, they're, and then they lock the door and it's locked in until you work again. But on the weekend, you tear things up, like you leave the facility. In the dorm, in the dorm, sir.

Oh, in the dorm. In the dorm, in the dorm, sir. Oh. Well, Your Majesty, if I may, Vespa, I'm a little bit concerned. If you're tearing it up on the weekends, what are the prisoners doing all weekend? Well, I think they kind of tear it up as well. They are so terrible. They have sort of a prison camp, which is like a building with a bunch of small units and bars on the windows and everything.

Eesh. Yeah, no fun for them. But I think that the main difference, I would say, there's a distinct line. And one thing is we are in yellow. Yeah. And the prisoners are? In blue. Blue, okay.

Okay. But the similar outfits, but different colors. They are similar outfits, yeah, which, yeah. But I don't think we get food given to us to 10. a day and everything. I don't think we get water. They get water but I think I don't think I'm a prisoner.

Let me clarify. You get food and they get water but nobody gets both. No, everybody gets both but I don't think their water is, I don't know what their water is, but I don't think it's like, I think ours is probably a little, I don't think I'm a prisoner. You're getting the good water. Best, can I ask? Before

you started, what is clearly a job, You know, you're not a prisoner. Did you do anything maybe that would be considered, you know, taboo or against the grain? When you were nine. Wraking my brain. Not when I was nine, no. When I was eight, I killed the guy.

Oh, okay. And it was kind of like a, what do you call it, an imperial soldier or whatever? Oh, yeah. So, an important, it was a fairly, like, important. It was not important. guy and he was kind of like, you know, show identification. He had a tone with my mom that I didn't like and I, um, sure.

I drowned him, but um, then I landed. Wow. Drowned him. Yeah. Yeah, I had to hold him under. You know how long? You were not. You were not. Are you eight? People called me fat, but I was strong. And then I, uh, yeah, I had to hold them. It takes a really, really long time. And then my uncle hooked me up with this job. Oh.

Hell yeah. So are any of the other, you said you have a lot of co-workers who are seven to ten years old? Are any of them, have any of them ever killed a guy? Most of them have, yeah. Most of them, yeah, yeah, okay. It's not uncommon and some spoke ill of the slugs. But, yeah, everyone, everyone's got a little bit of it. That's one of the things when we're kind of like getting into the situation.

fees on the weekends, well, sometimes people will talk about. I think there's a lot of bad boys. I think you'd be surprised how many bad boys there are on the staff of a prison camp. Sure. And I think that's kind of fun, but we're not, we're not, you know, we don't have to break rocks up. Sure. That's good. I think.

I don't know. Well, these slugs you speak of, do they, do they have? Is there someone above them or are they the highest ranking officials? They are the highest on our prison camp planet. They come from Dorminia. They're Dorminian slugs. And I get the feeling in Dorminia that they're very low ranking. Very low.

I couldn't help but notice that you use the word planet. Yes. And King Arnie here is also from a different planet. Yes. Called Earth. So, Ani, we've met a traveler from another planet. Yeah, this is very exciting. I got the sense, because I haven't seen like a zapper-like thing in Foon.

I get this sense, and this isn't going to mean anything to you, because from where you come from is normal. To you. But I get a sense that you come from, like, just as lightly dystopian science fictiony planet. I mean, most of what you're saying doesn't make sense to me, but to me, it's, to me, it's home. Sure.

But yeah, I feel like this chat more than anything has made me wonder about it a little bit. And this fun visit, I've been having to your guys plan it, which is just a 24-hour leave that I took in case I don't get my birthday off. This isn't going to be that for me. Yeah. Very cool. First day off in 16 years. Yes. Other than weekends when we get tear it up.

But yeah, and I'm seeing green here, and that's fun. Oh, yeah. You know, everyone was like, it's so sad that you're doing a solo vacation, but I'm having fun. Anyway, yeah, that, I think, I think it's pretty dystopian. It's definitely all prison camp. And again, these slugs, they hate all of us because I think it's one of those things where if you're, you know, shit on all day, you're very anxious to shit on someone else. And I get the impression on their planet.

They are getting kicked around a lot. And so they are taking that out on us. Salted slugs. Salt people. That both is right and it sounded like it had salt in it. Yeah, which they wouldn't like that at all, I don't think. This would be a fun. Sometimes we make up fake t-shirt ideas and then...

Us too. Yeah, same here. No matter where you go in the multiverse. People are making up t-shirt ideas. Wow. What a thing to connect over. Assaulted slugs, maybe salt people. I don't know. It's fun. We don't end up ever getting to make them because we have to get back to work.

But it's a quick thing we'll do on the weekend sometimes. You just talk about shirt ideas? Yeah, we get into everything. Who's dating? Who? We do that. We have so much in common. Now, you've brought this up a few times, VESPA.

Have you been dating anyone? Oh. Or is there anyone you have your eye on? I'll be honest. My best friend, Marcia, is my best friend. Okay. I think that guys and girls can be best friends. He's grinning.

Folks, he's grinning. No, I'll kill you. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Please don't get it. Oh, my God. That zap hurts so bad. I will drown you.

You know, it's kind of a, there's sometimes a gray area there where I'm like, I, this is maybe the love of my life. And then you're back to being like, this is my best friend. Don't even think about that. Then I would puke if we kissed. But maybe I would love it. I don't know. But I'm currently single, and Marcia keeps encouraging me to ask someone out.

But I'm currently single and happy to, yeah. Do you think, King? And is Marcia involved with anyone else? Marsha's got a boyfriend, yeah. Yeah, Trevor. How long has that been going on? I mean, maybe officially like two years or something, but maybe longer in some ways. In some ways?

In some ways? Maybe physically longer? Maybe more like five years, but he's actually not even like, yeah, he's a nice guy, but he's not super funny. Oh, okay. He sounds like that. Dreg. So he doesn't tear it up on the weekends. He kind of sits in the corner and does nothing.

Absolutely. I mean, he should be the slug. I'm like, you're sitting over there, like one of these grumpy slugs. I don't know if he'll hear this, but it's fine. It's fine. He's nice. But does Marcia seem unhappy with him, unsatisfied in the relationship? She seems pretty happy.

Okay. But when she is upset, because no relationship is perfect, does she talk to you about it? Yes. And that's where I'm like, okay, I'm seeing a little, don't. more crack will in here, you know. Bide your time. Bide your time. It's coming. That's right. That's right. Hang in there. Hang in there.

Because he's a bad boyfriend. But he's not a bad guy. But he's a bad boyfriend. I just, I don't think he's as fun as a lot of us. He's not as fun as Craig. He's obviously not Linda. But yeah, who are you guys all dating? Well, this is actually the season we all get girlfriends.

Yeah, interesting. You bring that up. But we've made no real moves yet. Yes. Orney, you're meant to meet up with Lady Gwinedrill to sort of combine houses. Oh, so that could be something. I just thought I was supposed to meet her. Like, we're supposed to, like, combine. There's, like, pressure there.

Oh, yeah. They'll definitely lay siege to this castle if we don't come up with some sort of way to appease them. Certainly something we need to consider. Since they can't directly attack us, they'll have to lay siege to us. You know, it could go on for years and years and years. If we hold out, we should have enough supplies, to do that, then they'd have to find a way to sneak in, which we know would be very difficult to do unless they had some sort of large wooden object they could hide inside.

And then we would think, well, what a beautiful wooden object. Let's bring that inside. Because, like, wouldn't you do that as soon as your enemies left? Bring in whatever they left inside, and then they could sneak out of the object and kill us all. And I've seen Yusador kiss one of the pumpkins. Look, they're learning. Sure. And, Chen, what about you?

We haven't really talked about your love life in a while. Um, you know, it's to and fro hither and tither. Oh, hither and tither? I'm dating twins. They are crocodiles. Um, so it's, you know, it's a little, it's a little fun, you know, mammals and reptiles, they don't typically mix. No. But, yeah, it's been, it's been fun.

Uh, but enough about me, VESPA, this scarf is beautiful. And this little, you have something on your ankle here. It's kind of glowing red and kind of like a light on here. Oh, that's not for fashion. They give us these around when I turn nine. Yeah, I think it was round done. I got this and it was free. And that was cool.

But yeah, it just blinks and it doesn't do much of anything else. And it's a little bit heavy. And then every couple of years, they get you a bigger one because your skin grows around it. But can I ask to, is it true about crocodiles having like a sort of recessed genitalia? Is that private? Ooh, dish. This is the type of stuff we do in the dorm.

Well, I mean, I guess it is, I guess you would call it recessed. It is, it's work. It's a little, it's tough. You said it's work? Well, you know. Put him in the moon. Yeah, Hither might be like, you know, whisper in my ear to do something. and then I'm like, I don't think I can get back there.

Like, it's sort of like crawling under a porch. Uh-huh. And as you're crawling, like, your shirt gets caught on something, like on a nail. And you're like, I'm trying to get back there, but you, it's like if your hand was under a portion, your hand's shirt got caught on a nail. Uh. Okay. Huh. Is that making sense?

I'll say yes. It's tough. Well, I know a lot of things about sex. sex, so it made perfect sense to me. Okay. Okay, good, good, good. Yeah. That was a sex story.

Hmm. Vespa, what's your gin and tell you, like? Great question. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. No pressure to answer, but you can. Oh, yeah. Trust me, this is nothing compared to some of the conversations we have.

It goes down for four inches. Okay. Okay, okay. Nice. And then over for one. Down four over one, okay. And then down one. Whoa. Okay, down over down.

It's like a crossword puzzle. Kind of a little hook there at the end. Yeah, near the end. And then it's got a very, very tiny head. Oh, okay. Well, congratulations. Thank you. Sometimes people are like, wow, that's pretty big.

if it didn't have the crook, you know, it'd be great. And then I say, well, this is all the head there is. And then come the Jews. That's the kind of thing you do on the weekend. Oh, because we'll do strip poker. Oh. Marsha hasn't done it. But we, you know, we get into it pretty good,

me and a bunch of the guys. Yeah. Does Trevor partake in strip poker? Yeah, Trevor, yeah, is. too quick, I'd say to, you know, the whole fun of it is I've got on too many layers,

I'm going to take this scarf, I'm going to take that other thing off, and he's always just on weekends in like t-shirt and shorts, and we're like, we don't need to, I don't need to be seeing that. Sure. Sounds like he has a great body, probably.

I find that people with great bodies can't wait to take off their clothes. This is very good. It's very good. Yeah. Who are you guys? all dating. Did we... No, we already... I think we covered...

Chunt is dating a couple of crocodiles. I'm currently unattached. My beloved Gin Livia, of course, has churned on me as I have all of the Wizards of Foon, those despots who are still desperately seeking to control and destroy everything

good and righteous in the world. And then, Arnie, well, he's busy with King's stuff. I mean, it's been taking me time for, like, the last half decade or so. But, you know, I'm starting to get to a place where I'm willing to get out there, especially if it's going to save this kingdom from being attacked by House Coffee Knockers. In Vespa, could I tell you, sometimes I can hear him taking me time through the walls at night. Okay.

This is the time. That is exactly. Ah, ah, you're zapping. You're zapping. You're zapping. Sorry, sorry. I got to say, started grabbing. Those are pretty solid little poops, though.

Good job. Yeah. Oh, yeah. From the 16. From the 16. That's not bad. This is what I've been looking for in it. I guess the prisoners were doing it just need to eat better.

Well, it's probably all the water. Because I don't drink a lot of water. Maybe they're overly hydrated. Maybe. And I'd like to think their water is dirtier than ours, but I don't know. But, Arnie, you're being set up. Yeah. Well, saying it like that makes me real nervous.

But I guess it's a kind of, you know, you probably would know anything about this. But when you become a king, like, your concerns are so different than what they are normally. And so, you know, when I think about having a relationship, it's not just about me. It's about, like, what it brings to the whole kingdom. So, yeah, but I am nervous. Maybe you need to sometimes think about yourself a little bit. Oh. Oh, that's good advice.

We've been telling him that. That's good advice, Fespa. and I hate to turn the mirror back on you. Marsha has put you in the friend zone and you need to think about yourself. Are there any other eligible women in your apartment, complex, prison, guard friend group?

Does Marsha have like a friend that you could like, you know, make her jealous with or something? Can I just say this is, I love that four guys, We can just kind of like talk. Yeah. This is nice. This is what we do. This is why you, you know, when you guys were like, oh, why don't you leave that job ever if it's 16 hours in the sun all day and everything.

When you're zapping prisoners, which seems morally upsetting. It's not. It's not my favorite part, especially with the looser stool. But, you know, when you try to run away your ankle thing, starts burning through your ankle. but the main reason I don't want to leave is because of the fun like this. Yeah, it sounds like you do have a lot of fun on weekends. But yeah, Marcia, tricking Marcia, making Marcia jealous. Maybe.

I don't know if I would think about it. Why don't we take a quick break? Think about if we really want to trick Marsha or not. I never said trick Marcia. And we'll be right back. Like I said, I never said trick Marcia. I'm just saying, you know, know, play her game.

You know, maybe Vesba, maybe you date somebody for two to five years, and maybe that's how Marcia sort of realizes what she's missing out. Yeah, just see how she reacts. And then in the interim, if you like the other person better, then you're all set. And if you don't, then you, obviously, you need to move on and let that person go in a friendly and constructive way where you try to stay friends. and then, you know, maybe at that point you won't even be thinking about Marcia. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

So, hmm, I definitely don't think I would fall for the other person, but I also wouldn't want to be mean to that. Can you describe friendly and constructive breakup? How would that look for you? Yeah, let's play that out. Chunt, you be a person who I'm dating. Okay. Oh, wow.

I like the shape shift. Oh, I'm just arcing my back. Oh, okay. Now, Amanda, I really enjoy your company, and we've spent a wonderful three weeks together. But I have to be honest with you. I see you more as a friend, and I don't see this continuing in a romantic way.

But if you would care to continue this friendship, I would like to find a way to spend time together and perhaps share intimate thoughts that are non-romantic. Sounds good. Just like that. It's that easy. Yeah.

Well, that didn't. Sean, I don't feel like you... Well, then you play Amanda. Investment, you play Amanda. Okay. Sorry, if you could arc your back a little bit. I think she had more of like a... Like, sexy but confident.

It's actually but confident. Why don't you play Usador if Vespa is going to be Amanda? Oh, I can't remember all your lines. Ernie? I can't arc my back. I've been hunched over zapping for 16 years, but yeah, sorry, go ahead, Arne. So wait, I'm playing Yusador? Yes, you're breaking up with Amanda who's being played by Vespa now.

Wait, Usador, okay. But you're Yusador. I think it's pretty straightforward. How dare? you. The hell is that. Holding up two peace signs. So,

Artie, what is that? Amanda, look, we've had a good time. We've had a good three weeks fighting evil together. But now I've decided that it would be better

for both of us if we didn't take this relationship any forward. But we're still friends. And, um, Oh, shit. I don't know. This is hard. You fucked me.

Whoa. You fucked me, you fucking monster. You know. Okay, never mind. We're still together. Okay. Don't ever do that again. You said, don't. Okay. Great. We're stronger than ever. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, that was terrible. Yeah, that wasn't helpful. I'm sorry.

And it might have been a little strong, but I felt like Chantz was... Chunt, have you broken up with anyone? No. No, I think usually I fake it. I fake my death or something. Okay, my wheels are spinning. Okay, so I could, you know what? I didn't think I'd be bringing this much dating advice back from you three.

I could maybe date someone else. Make Marsha. So a backhand compliment. Really jealous. and then fake my death to get out of that one, come supposedly back to life, tell Marcia, I'm still around, what's going on with the Trevor situation, have you found out about how he's boring,

and then not trick her, but make her empowered to decide for herself to like me. Seems, I guess, as healthy as one could help hope for in the situation that you're in. Well, you three, what is this, this is a dating advice, Podcast or primarily? Mostly, yeah. Maybe. Yeah, I'd say most the people we interview

come on here and end up in some sort of relationship with one of us or we help them with their relationships or We roleplay relationships with them a lot when guests come on. Casual sexual encounters. Actually, we have some listener mail here. Let me just open this up. Okay.

This is from T. T says long time first time. I am from another planet. I'm dating, let's call her M. And sometimes I'm worried about M's coworker. Let's call him V. What should I do if I'm jealous of V being friends with M love T? Huh.

That's got to be Trevor, right? Hmm, I didn't even think of that. Yeah, I didn't think of that either. It's a pretty big universe. That's quite a leap. Yeah, I'm being silly. Because my gut was tell her not to talk to that guy anymore.

Oh, tell her not to talk to the friend anymore. To V. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, well, that was... If you're dating someone, you're dating them, and that's that. Well, but Vespa, think about what you're... Think about the advice you're giving.

If Chund was right, if it wanted a billion chance, we got an email from Trevor. When you are on the show, what are the odds? But if we did, and then you advised Marcia to not speak to you anymore, imagine how the irony would strike you down and make you miserable for the rest of your days. I think we're missing the most important part. Do you have podcasts on your prison planet? Great question. We do. Can I do a side thing? Usador, did you get horny from that? Well, thank you. No one's ever asked. A lot of times I get sort of agitated and I sort of speak in a heightened sense.

And yes, it's very erotically charged, I think. So, yes, speaking of Trevor being allowed to make love to Marsha with you finally cast aside. Oh, how it doth entice me. Sorry, I ask. This is the kind of thing, right? shirt. Did you get a horny from that? Sorry I asked. Sorry I asked for you do a good t-shirt.

That's a t-shirt. The whole thing he just said maybe. I just, I heard your tone. I was like, okay, this guy is horny. He's horny. We get horny when we're hanging in. But yeah, Horn hang.

Horn hang. Vespa, when are you due back on your prison planet? Like eight hours from now, I'll have to be back. or the um, uh, uh, uh, uh, ankle it will burn my foot off. Oh. Which now I'm thinking about would maybe make it fall off. But, you know, at what cost?

And then, and no Marsha and. And no Craig. Oh. You know, zap in. I think earlier you guys said it would suck to zap people. And it's actually kind of fun. Oh. It doesn't kill them. They drop to their knees.

They have diarrhea. And the power that you have, especially because the Geneva 16 has four levels of zap. And so if it's like someone who's kind of cute, you do a level one zap and then you tell them that. And you can see in their eyes sometimes. And we're not supposed to flirt, but it's flurdy. We're having fun. It's a playful zap. Yeah.

And you're like, that was a one just so you know, because I like your bangs or whatever. Yeah. I mean, it seems like an odd power dynamic, but, well, I have to ask this. I asked when you go back, but it never even occurred to us to ask. Why did you come here? I think I needed clarity. I think I needed me time. Yes.

I think I didn't know why I just thought I'm going to go. I have 24 hours. I can go get and get back. We're not super far. And I just thought, I just want to go have fun. And I kind of thought maybe I trip over some epiphanies. And I got to say for the last several hours, I've had zero. I had some good drinks and some good food.

But this has helped. And I think now I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to pick some fucking, I don't know, whoever, and try to date them and then fake my death. And you guys, if I ever talk to you guys again, I'm going to have a wedding ring. Come on, Vespa. When you talk to us again.

Arms all huddle together, arms run each other. I love you guys. Yes. I hope we all do talk again, but I hope it's not because we've somehow ended up on your prison planet, because that would be, that would be bad. That would be bad, unless you guys were zappers, that would be the best. That would be the best. You would love my friends on this thing. You would be dying, laughing on the weekends, and it would be so fun.

Yeah, would you guys all need zappers? You guys have, like a... Oh, I could just zap people with my powers, but I wouldn't. Because it's a despicable, you know, a terrible thing to do to another human being, so I wouldn't do it. But the slugs would tell you you have to. Yeah, I just used to rise up against the slugs. That reminds me, the slugs you talked about, like they talk through Linda. Have you ever talked directly to the slugs?

No, I can't speak their language, but I... But you've seen them. You've laid eyes off. Oh, all the time. Yeah, they're... But you see these slugs, they go. they say like slug things and then linda comes and tells you like but linda you just have to trust that linda is saying what the slugs are actually asking what exactly are you saying about linda arney

i mean i'm not i'm i'm just asking i'm just asking questions i don't linda is a saint linda used to hang out with the zappers and now she's third in command and she used to hang out with us all the time for like two years she was with craig and yet now she's up up up up up uh so i trust her. But yeah, I can also read body language, even with a slug body, which is harder. Sure. But you can tell they're maybe very nice. Maybe have their own, yeah. Yeah, and you said they understood the concept of birthdays. You sensed that, right? Remember? They understand birthdays, but I feel like everyone except the leader is down with birthdays and that the leader had something happened on a birthday or something. That's right. That's right. Yeah.

And that's all from interpreting slug body language. a lot. That's when I say Linda, can you ask them for me to have their response that I'm interpreting. And she's kind of indicated that maybe they're not having the best time on their home planet and that

they're kind of taking it out on us a little bit. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. If we ever start a band, can we call it Linda and the Zappers? Let's start a band. Pretty good. Pretty good. Linda and the Zappers. What are, what's a band?

Do you not have music on your world? What's music? Oh boy. Okay, Arnie, how much time? Court musicians. Enter. That's music. It's like convulsing on the ground.

No more. That's enough. Let's eat. Please stop. Oh, he shit himself. It's sort of a, oh my God. Liquid, oh my God. It was liquid.

Ah, shoot. It's intended to be an enjoyable auditory experience where you listen to music and take pleasure from it. I feel like this could be a new Zapp. I feel like you could do this. Oh, no. And it's no offense to the band you had in here. They're probably, you tell me. They're not the best, but they're...

I mean, I guess if you've never heard music before, it's probably pretty scary and weird. But even with that, I could tell they weren't the best. You're right. Okay. Guy in the harp sucks, right? We can say that, right? He's in the room still. Sorry.

He sucks. We've been interviewing people, nights and musicians and gestures. He's starting too high. He's starting way too high. I felt that. Am I crazy? Yeah. That might have been like 80% of what made my ears bleed.

And if you've never heard music until that moment and you're agreeing he's playing the harp too high, he's playing the harp too fucking high. Arnie, can we, Arney, can we, can we send this guy to Vespas planet? I mean, I don't know if we want to, I mean, look, I don't love the harp either, but I don't know if we want to send him to a prison planet because of that. Okay, I'm a monster.

All right, well, I'll talk to the harpist, and I'll see if he just wants to, like, try to break up the pumpkin fights. How about that? Does that seem like a good compromise? Oh, smart, smart. I should have, I should have, I'm going to calm down. Okay, okay. You could zap those pumpkins.

And this is always like, you know, I'm obsessed with probably too much with the consistency of the poop when I zap the prisoners. But I wonder if their pumpkin heads would explode if they got a zap in the stomach. I would have to assume yes. You got to. It's got it, right? You got to assume. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I mean, there are natural creatures that I created with Chunt's input. Pumpkeys, here. Come to me. there you go. Okay, can I... Give it a shot. Let me turn it on. Takes a minute.

And here we go. Dive burning hell! I usually yell something like that. Oh. You didn't mention that before that you died burning hell. Yeah. I don't even know where that could. Even you...

Yeah. Even you do it on level one with the girl with the cute bangs? Yes. That is part of it because then you say... That was only level one. because you are a cutie. Anyway, their pumpkin heads hold strong. But that was fun.

Before we end the episode, I'm going to do a thing. This is what I do. Every episode where I take my microphone over to a corner of the room, far away from the earshot of anyone else, and just send a casual message to our listeners. So thank you so much, Vesp. As always, thank you, Yusidor and Chunt. I'm just going to walk over.

I'm going to walk over here and listeners. T, T, if you're out there and you're listening, keep M away from V, especially if you suspect that we're talking about the same V. If it's a totally different situation, maybe I'm being more emphatic than I should. But if it's anything like this, keep M away from V. even if he seems to be dead, especially if he seems to be dead, because it's probably a trick. Okay, I just wanted to get that out before I forgot. All right.

Oh, Arnie, I read further down to the letter here. It says, tits, mouth, vagina. Tits. Oh, I want my MTV. Keep mouth. Wait, keep. Tits. Keep mouth away from vagina.

Wait, I got it. Wait, scratch my message. Artie, I overheard what you said. That's, Artie, I don't mean any of that. This is the shit we get into on weekends. Horn hang. Ah, my tartine is finished baking. All that's left is to season it with mustard seed and vermouth.

Delicious. Oh, is the episode over? I lost interest several years ago. Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rify. Vespa, the prison camp Zapper, was played by special guest and mumble. core darling Mike O'Brien. Mike is a former writer and featured

player for SNL, also the creator of sitcom AP Bio, but these days he's happy serving as a sort of creepy uncle figure for the entire world. Check out his substack where he posts short stories. Link in the show notes. And check out his improv podcast business

trips, co-hosted by Brad Morris, and available on all the usual platforms. I'm always up for a fun improv podcast. I literally cannot think of any that I enjoy. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes,

all the spin-offs, one free sandwich, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Sandwich supplies extremely limited. Here's a clip from last week's bonus episode, where Arnie, Addle, and Matt try to put everything in the world into a proper list order. Do we want to put onions last? I would be okay with it.

Or better than Jar Jar Jar? I would put them dead last. I just know, what are we doing? Raw onions below Jar Jar Binks, guys, please. How about onions above Jar Jar Binks? Raw onions between Subalba and Jar Jar Binks. Here, I'll do you one better. Put it at the top.

I'll cut you a deal. If we can put raw onions above Jar Binks, I'm willing to move black licorice down below General Grievous. Why are we doing that? Everyone's agreeing to put him above Jar Bings. Satisfi Adder's different point of view. This I like. Okay, sorry.

So you said if we can put Ronyon instead last, we'll put junk. No, no, no. I'll still put them above George Burbank's. Yeah. But then we can move black licorice down the spot if you agree to moving black. Sold. Sold. Arnie, this is like how, you know, NBA trades happen.

That fucking happens. Oh, just wonderful. I think my favorite part about that clip is I wasn't given a chance to listen to it before recording this. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon. dot com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adder Ruffey. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Sage G.C. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.